1 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:30,120 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever 6 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:33,200 Speaker 1: you are in the world. We have an exciting guest 7 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,839 Speaker 1: today for a very exciting topic. We did a series 8 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:41,040 Speaker 1: on the show called Dating in Your Twenties, and our 9 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,239 Speaker 1: guest has decided to join us and share some of 10 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,280 Speaker 1: her own wisdom. Violet, how are you going. 11 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 2: I'm well, thank you so much for having me. I'm 12 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:51,200 Speaker 2: excited to be here. 13 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, of course, it felt like such a natural fit. 14 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: Honestly so. Violet, if you do not know her, is 15 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,560 Speaker 1: the host of the almost adulting podcast otherwise known as 16 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: Daddy Issues Online. Some amazing advice given over there and 17 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,440 Speaker 1: just like some hard truth skilled So I feel like 18 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: this is gonna be a great episode. Yeah, I'm excited. 19 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:13,399 Speaker 1: Thank you. 20 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,759 Speaker 2: Yeah, we got we got really, we got on really 21 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:20,399 Speaker 2: well before we started recording, so that was that's always good. 22 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I felt like we were sitting in like 23 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: zoom talking because you're in La Yes, yeah, and I'm 24 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,480 Speaker 1: in Sydney and we were sitting on the zoom I 25 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: think for like half an hour just actually just having 26 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:35,679 Speaker 1: having a yawn as they say in Australia, having a 27 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:40,120 Speaker 1: little chat. So I was like, we're about to pop facts. 28 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 1: Everyone's open your ears wide. 29 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 2: That's so cute. Okay, your phrases. I could tell you Australia. 30 00:01:47,319 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 2: The minute you said the word heaps when we're talking 31 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,800 Speaker 2: in DMS, I'm like, okay. 32 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 1: So you're in Australia, what is it heaps? 33 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, you said heaps, there's heaps something. 34 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, I totally say that. So it's so 35 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: funny because I don't notice it until I'm on calls 36 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,480 Speaker 1: with people who are based in the US or based 37 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,000 Speaker 1: in London, and they'll be like, what did you just say? 38 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 1: And I'm like, I don't know. I also got this 39 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,800 Speaker 1: like random DM from someone the other day that was like, 40 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: you pronounce all of your words incorrectly, like and I 41 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: was like, yeah she was, and then she like was like, 42 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,079 Speaker 1: these are the words that I heard in your most 43 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:26,119 Speaker 1: recent episode that were wrong, And I was like, I've 44 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:30,160 Speaker 1: got an Australian accent, Like it's not I know. Yeah, 45 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,079 Speaker 1: it's so strange. 46 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:36,120 Speaker 2: No, it's a real thing. I have gotten before, negative 47 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:40,760 Speaker 2: reviews on my almost adulting podcasts and mean dms when 48 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,359 Speaker 2: people get upset with me when I don't pronounce myself, 49 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,520 Speaker 2: when I pronounce someone's name or word incorrectly, even though 50 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,920 Speaker 2: English is my third language. People forget that whatever countries 51 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,000 Speaker 2: you're from, you and the pronouncing words differently. 52 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm exact. 53 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,320 Speaker 2: Americans forget that. 54 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so interesting as well, considering that English is 55 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:03,920 Speaker 1: your third language. Yes, why come on, give me be 56 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,480 Speaker 1: nice about it. I feel like if they also spoke 57 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,360 Speaker 1: three plus languages, they are welcome to criticize, but if not. 58 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,079 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of like if you were trying to 59 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 2: speak French right now, because of how you grew up 60 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:20,240 Speaker 2: speaking English with the Australian accent, you will not be 61 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,640 Speaker 2: able to have the proper accent that French people have. 62 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 2: Because I speak Hebrew, I have the perfect French accent 63 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 2: when I speak French, and I'm able to mimic it perfectly. 64 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 2: But Americans will not be able either. And I will 65 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,440 Speaker 2: be able to say a lot of words, but that 66 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 2: you guys won't be able to be of how I 67 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,160 Speaker 2: grew up, so it's the same thing. Then people from 68 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,200 Speaker 2: others speak other languages can't pronounce her in English words 69 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,760 Speaker 2: because we've never learned how to pronounce it like that, 70 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 2: or our mouths don't move in that way. I don't 71 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 2: know how to explain it. There's just words, some words 72 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,520 Speaker 2: that we just won't be able to ever pronounce. 73 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,680 Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna try and do that awe sounding. 74 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: I feel like it's going to be so embarrassing because 75 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: I unfortunately only speak one language. How look at that, 76 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:04,600 Speaker 1: Wa're already off online a massive tangent. What we're really 77 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:08,000 Speaker 1: here to talk about today is dating in your twenties, 78 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,720 Speaker 1: and I feel like you have a lot of wisdom. 79 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,520 Speaker 1: Even before we jumped on this call, you were saying 80 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 1: you're in like a long term relationship for most of 81 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:17,159 Speaker 1: your twenties, weren't you? 82 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,720 Speaker 2: Yes? I was. I was in wouldn't be funny, but 83 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,279 Speaker 2: just thinking if I was one of those guests you 84 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,919 Speaker 2: asked me a question, I'd just say yes. 85 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, I'd be working hard. 86 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,520 Speaker 2: Okay, So, yes, I was in a relationship most of 87 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,920 Speaker 2: my twenties. I was on off with one of with 88 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:43,599 Speaker 2: my second boyfriend, I basically growing up. And well, I 89 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,000 Speaker 2: started dating when I was seventeen. I was very much 90 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,520 Speaker 2: a late bloomer. I wasn't interested in boys. I'd moved 91 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,479 Speaker 2: to America when I was fourteen. I was just trying 92 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 2: to figure out how to speak English, and I was 93 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,680 Speaker 2: not even thinking about boys. I did not get them 94 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 2: at all, especially Americans and in Los Angeles right away. 95 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 1: It's a whole different. 96 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:05,000 Speaker 2: World with those kids. So and I had my own 97 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,279 Speaker 2: issues growing up, aside from I was born with a 98 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:10,080 Speaker 2: birth defect, so it gave me a lot of insecurity 99 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 2: as I stay away from boys until late teenage years. 100 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 2: But also I grew up as I'm known as daddy issues. 101 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:20,600 Speaker 2: I grew up with daddy issues when I got through 102 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:26,240 Speaker 2: my teenage life. So of course that subconsciously formed the 103 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 2: way I started pursuing my partners. I didn't know this yet. 104 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 2: You don't know this as a child, and you don't 105 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,599 Speaker 2: know this as an adult that a lot of the 106 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,920 Speaker 2: pattern of who you date has a lot to do 107 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:40,000 Speaker 2: with your childhood trauma. You don't realize that yet. So 108 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,599 Speaker 2: the guy that I was just it wasn't love. 109 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 1: It was obsession. 110 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 2: He was my drug. And I didn't know why he 111 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,200 Speaker 2: was my drug, but I was addicted to him. I 112 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 2: was addicted to my relationship for eight years. It was 113 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 2: on and off, and he was just my everything. I 114 00:05:55,680 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 2: mean when every time we break up, I would not 115 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 2: always felt like I couldn't breathe. I was a person 116 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 2: that I didn't want to get out of bed until 117 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 2: he spoke to me, until I knew we were going 118 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,920 Speaker 2: to be okay. It just felt he was my everything. 119 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 2: And of course when you have those type of partners, 120 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,920 Speaker 2: they love it. But I guess the type of person 121 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,720 Speaker 2: I ended up attracting emotionally unavailable partner. Did I realize that, No, 122 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 2: of course I didn't. I just needed him to love me, 123 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,480 Speaker 2: And for eight years, it was this constant chase maybe 124 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 2: one day he will love me, and I did everything 125 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,240 Speaker 2: I could to be better for him. For eight years. 126 00:06:30,279 --> 00:06:33,040 Speaker 2: I was shaved my body every single day as long 127 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,120 Speaker 2: as we were together, My body shaved every single day. 128 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 2: I want to be beautiful for him. Did he still cheat 129 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,640 Speaker 2: on me all the time? Yes? Did I know? No? 130 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 2: Because I secretly didn't want to know. I secretly didn't 131 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 2: want to know that because I think I didn't then 132 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:48,200 Speaker 2: want to deal with what would happen if I found out, 133 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 2: because then I would actually have to leave, And that's 134 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 2: a whole other thing. Did I love myself when I 135 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,920 Speaker 2: was growing up? No, of course not, because if I did, 136 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,760 Speaker 2: I wouldn't have stayed in that relationship. But I think 137 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:01,720 Speaker 2: everything that happens to us, including people we date, it's 138 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 2: not in a way that you look back and you think, 139 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 2: I can't believe I gave him all my twenties. I 140 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,480 Speaker 2: can't believe I did this. It's more that was a 141 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 2: life lesson and the reason I stay with my partner 142 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 2: for so long was because the universe was teaching me 143 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 2: over and over again the same mistakes that I was 144 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 2: just for some reason, not learning. And it wasn't until 145 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,680 Speaker 2: I learned how to love myself that I removed myself 146 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,440 Speaker 2: from that relationship and started working on myself. Do I 147 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 2: have some regrets that a part of me wishes I 148 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 2: didn't give so many of my twenties to someone, just 149 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 2: one person. Yes, but that's what I needed in my 150 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 2: path to learn. I wish I didn't only exit that 151 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 2: relationship in my late twenties and early thirties, and that 152 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,680 Speaker 2: was the first time I learned how to date or 153 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,400 Speaker 2: I had to unlearn everything I thought love was. I 154 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 2: had to unlearn I had to learn what I like, 155 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 2: what I don't like the other. Because when I got 156 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 2: over that relationship with him, I tried to date guys afterwards, 157 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: and I would pick fights with them, thinking that was 158 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,240 Speaker 2: going to make us closer. I was picked flights to 159 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 2: get that tension because that's where I grew up with 160 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,320 Speaker 2: my dad when I was young, where my dad forgets 161 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 2: I exist, so I have to act out. And when 162 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,400 Speaker 2: I act out, even if you be so sure of me, 163 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 2: at least he notices me. So then accidentally in my 164 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,480 Speaker 2: relationship and then being the same thing where we will fight, 165 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,600 Speaker 2: and that's when my boyfriend payer attention to me and 166 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 2: then we're fine. 167 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,840 Speaker 1: That was so insightful. I was so so insightful. And 168 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,600 Speaker 1: I think it really goes to show the complex interaction 169 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:33,880 Speaker 1: between how we were raised and how we approach intimacy 170 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 1: and romantic relationships. And I think people often don't think 171 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 1: that those are linked, right. They're like, Okay, well, you know, 172 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 1: my childhood was a discreet time in my life, and 173 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,680 Speaker 1: my adulthood or my adolescence is also a discreet time. 174 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 1: And there's no overlap, but it's like you really are 175 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:51,960 Speaker 1: the still the same person that's traveled through all of 176 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 1: those experiences, and the trauma that you take from those 177 00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:00,120 Speaker 1: will be brought into every chapter of your life. How 178 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 1: do you think it was about your attachment style or 179 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,080 Speaker 1: how you were raised or your childhood that led you 180 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:10,440 Speaker 1: to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people? 181 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,040 Speaker 2: Okay, so here's the thing. A lot of people when 182 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,120 Speaker 2: they listen, they think, well, I don't have daddy issues 183 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,640 Speaker 2: that I can't relate, but they may have mommy issues, 184 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,920 Speaker 2: or they think I grew up with both my parents together, 185 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:22,960 Speaker 2: or I grew up with that parents, or whatever your 186 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,800 Speaker 2: dynamic and your growing up is. You'll be surprised. But 187 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:31,440 Speaker 2: everyone has some type of childhood trauma without even realize it. 188 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 2: And trauma is not as bad of a ward as 189 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 2: people think it is. It just means it's what formed 190 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,720 Speaker 2: you into the human being the adult that you are, 191 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,960 Speaker 2: and it's up to you now as an adult to 192 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 2: unlearn a lot of these things. So again, even if 193 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 2: you think, well, my dad was really nice to me, 194 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,079 Speaker 2: so it was my mom. Let's say there's guys out 195 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,240 Speaker 2: there their mom loved them so much. Guess what they 196 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 2: have mommy. 197 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 1: Issues where they. 198 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 2: Now attract women like their mother and they hate them. 199 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,439 Speaker 2: They're pulsed by them because if they feel suf vocated 200 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 2: and it reminds me of their mother. So then they 201 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 2: end up chasing women who don't love them. So everyone 202 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 2: has their own weird type of dating stuff that has 203 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 2: to do with your parents until you realize it's happening 204 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,520 Speaker 2: and you have to learn it, but you have to 205 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:19,200 Speaker 2: be self aware. So I attracted my partner who was 206 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:23,040 Speaker 2: obsessed with who's my second boyfriend? Because my first one 207 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 2: were just chilling, but my second one was like a 208 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,960 Speaker 2: drug because he was emotionally unavailable, which was similar to 209 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 2: my father. And the reason we end up attracting these 210 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,960 Speaker 2: type of partners not just emotional unavailable, anything that feels familiar. 211 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,120 Speaker 2: Anytime in your life you meet someone and one person 212 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,920 Speaker 2: you meet and you're like, Okay, maybe I'll go out 213 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 2: with them a few times, maybe I like them. Then 214 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,960 Speaker 2: someone else you meet and you're like, WHOA, I like you? 215 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 2: What is this feeling? I don't get it, but if 216 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,520 Speaker 2: I love it, and it's because it feels familiar, and 217 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:57,080 Speaker 2: the familiar The reason it feels familiar is because it's 218 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,760 Speaker 2: a childhood wound that you have inside yourself that has 219 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,840 Speaker 2: an healed and your body feels at home, but not 220 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,560 Speaker 2: in a good way, in a way that something hurt 221 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 2: you when you were a child, and that's what's reminding 222 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,800 Speaker 2: you of And what's happening is this is the psychology 223 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:17,120 Speaker 2: behind it. We attract partners are similar to our childhood 224 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 2: traumas or our parents when they hurt us, because it's 225 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:24,439 Speaker 2: your brain hoping to revisit the same situation that happened 226 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 2: to you in the past, and it's hoping that the 227 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,839 Speaker 2: outcome will be different this time. So if my father 228 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,679 Speaker 2: was emotional unavailable, which he was growing up, which but 229 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 2: because I didn't understand his love language yet, So nothing 230 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,680 Speaker 2: I say is in a way where I want anyone 231 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 2: to feel sorry for me, because I've worked through that. 232 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,400 Speaker 2: For me, my father was emotional unavailable, he didn't know 233 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 2: express his feelings, and he didn't hug me or kiss 234 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,920 Speaker 2: me until I was twenty four to twenty five. And 235 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,560 Speaker 2: that's because I changed the cycle in our family, because 236 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:54,600 Speaker 2: I made that choice. V Until I decided to make 237 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 2: that choice, I was dating guys like my dad, including 238 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 2: my ex. So I started dating a man who was 239 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,600 Speaker 2: also emotional and available, and my brain was hoping, maybe 240 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,560 Speaker 2: eventually this guy will love you. So even though when 241 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,480 Speaker 2: you were growing up as a kid, your dad didn't 242 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,199 Speaker 2: love you, this man will finally give you the validation 243 00:12:10,559 --> 00:12:13,480 Speaker 2: they've been searching for years. And guess what, it didn't 244 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 2: happen because no matter what I did, I wasn't enough. 245 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 2: Or that's what it felt like, because love first has 246 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,719 Speaker 2: to start with you. That's the longest relationship you're going 247 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:23,120 Speaker 2: to have in your life is a relationship you are 248 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 2: with yourself. You can't continuously seek this outside validation, outside 249 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,040 Speaker 2: love if you don't love yourself, because you don't know 250 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 2: not to mention, I don't know what love is. I 251 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,319 Speaker 2: grew up with a dad who didn't kiss me, or 252 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,160 Speaker 2: hug me, or tell me he loves me. What do 253 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,280 Speaker 2: I know what love is? I see my dad being cold, 254 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,679 Speaker 2: I think that's love. So that's what I attrack. 255 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:41,559 Speaker 1: Just like I have. 256 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 2: Friends that grew up in a very abusive household where 257 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 2: their parents were fighting all the time. They end up 258 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,680 Speaker 2: attracting a partner that they're fighting with all the time. 259 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 2: They think that's love. So many of us don't realize 260 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,560 Speaker 2: but we don't even know what love is. 261 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 1: I agree, honestly, and especially his people in our twenties. 262 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,600 Speaker 1: I think love for us is sometimes just a feeling, 263 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 1: and we think that it's passion, and we think that 264 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: it's chaos, or we think that it should just be 265 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 1: this like easy thing, and we really don't know, because 266 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,480 Speaker 1: I think, just like trauma, love is also incredibly subjective. 267 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: But it's interesting that you talk about how you like 268 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:23,000 Speaker 1: shifted the dynamic because I feel like when I've done 269 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,200 Speaker 1: a lot of work with my own therapists around my 270 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,400 Speaker 1: attachment style and all that comes with that, and I 271 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:33,040 Speaker 1: think it doesn't just have to do with your parental relationships. 272 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,440 Speaker 1: You know. As a child, I was really bullied, was 273 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:40,840 Speaker 1: really badly bullied, and I never really felt like anyone 274 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 1: liked me, that I was like wanted or desired as 275 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: a friend. And then as I got like later into 276 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 1: my adolescence as someone people wanted to date. And so 277 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,800 Speaker 1: as soon as I went to university and like people 278 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 1: were like attracted to me and there was alcohol and 279 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 1: I was there was all this freedom, and I was 280 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: living in college, which I had no standards for myself 281 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:05,720 Speaker 1: because I was like, well, I have this in a 282 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,840 Speaker 1: childhood wound of not feeling wanted and feeling unlovable. So 283 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,320 Speaker 1: the moment that someone comes in and is like, you know, 284 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 1: even just wants to have sex with you, They don't 285 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,400 Speaker 1: want to give you anything more, my brain was like, well, 286 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,680 Speaker 1: that's showing that they want you, and that's like a really, 287 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,920 Speaker 1: that's something that you've always wanted. That's something that you're 288 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: really like, you've always desired, and wouldn't it be amazing 289 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,360 Speaker 1: to finally have that. So I basically just didn't have 290 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,680 Speaker 1: any standards for myself and would attract people who treated 291 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 1: me badly or who were like almost cruel or super 292 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 1: ambivalent towards like our relationship. 293 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 2: I don't know, actually you didn't know what love was. 294 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 2: Of course, of course you equated that to love, because 295 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 2: you said I felt unlovable. People didn't want to be 296 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 2: my friends. And the thing is that was the reality 297 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,760 Speaker 2: you create to yourself. And when we feel that way 298 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,480 Speaker 2: about ourselves, it doesn't matter what's happening on the outside. 299 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,880 Speaker 2: We don't see it. And eventually you grew up and 300 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,800 Speaker 2: you realize, well, all these people around me are trying 301 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,760 Speaker 2: to love me, and I'm not even seeing it because 302 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,400 Speaker 2: I'm so focused on people don't love me because I 303 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 2: grew up feeling unlovable. So again, you don't know what 304 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,560 Speaker 2: love is. So then you only then end up being 305 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 2: drawn to people who don't love you, or you end 306 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 2: up being drawn to someone that, even for a night, 307 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,840 Speaker 2: gives you sex because in that moment, you feel desirable 308 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,160 Speaker 2: and you feel wanted. And I for the longest time 309 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 2: with my ex boyfriend, all we had really is sex 310 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,320 Speaker 2: that we didn't really talk. I didn't know how to 311 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 2: open up to people. I never talked about my feelings, 312 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:34,479 Speaker 2: so I did even though that was my one partner sexually, 313 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 2: It's all I had to offer him was my body. 314 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,240 Speaker 2: I want to be beautiful for him. I was having 315 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:43,800 Speaker 2: sex with him, so I also equated sex with love, 316 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,360 Speaker 2: and that's the thing that a lot of women do. 317 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,560 Speaker 2: And I've tried to talk about that before. And of 318 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 2: course some people may not agree with my opinion when 319 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,000 Speaker 2: I say hold off on sex, but I believe it's 320 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,560 Speaker 2: genuinely important, especially if you're someone who still has to 321 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 2: figure out your emotions and mental health and to put 322 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 2: yourself first and to learn how to love yourself. If 323 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,840 Speaker 2: you accidentally fall off through sex, which has been a 324 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,600 Speaker 2: thing for me, then hold off because you want to 325 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,360 Speaker 2: get to know somebody on an emotional level before you 326 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,440 Speaker 2: catch up to it in a physical level. But you 327 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,040 Speaker 2: ask me something else, and I'm sorry that I ended 328 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,600 Speaker 2: up forgetting what you were talking about. 329 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,760 Speaker 1: Honestly, it just shows that you're passionate, and I feel 330 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 1: like that's so passionate. When I tell I know I 331 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,800 Speaker 1: love it, it's like, honestly, so refreshing. But it's interesting. 332 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,160 Speaker 1: I just want to quickly talk on this. I was 333 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: loostly looking into this research the other day. Sex creates 334 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,920 Speaker 1: like an emotional and neural bond with someone. Not saying 335 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: that that doesn't mean yeah, for women is like in particular, 336 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: and I'm not saying that that doesn't mean you can 337 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 1: have as much casual sex as you want, but it's 338 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,240 Speaker 1: worth noting that when you are physically closed with someone 339 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 1: in that manner, whatever sex is for you in that moment, 340 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,320 Speaker 1: the amount of like oxytocin, which is like the chemical 341 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,920 Speaker 1: associated with happiness but also bonding that is released. It's 342 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:06,320 Speaker 1: no wonder that so many people, I think, find themselves 343 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,399 Speaker 1: they've had sex with someone and then suddenly they're like, 344 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,919 Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm attached, you've got to also know 345 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,000 Speaker 1: what you want. Like I started doing this thing where 346 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,359 Speaker 1: I realized that I was very actively going for people 347 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 1: who I actually didn't even respect or have anything in 348 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,840 Speaker 1: common with because I was like, oh, you know, well 349 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 1: then they'll never leave me and I'll feel loved. And 350 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,199 Speaker 1: it basically like retrained my brain into not feeling that 351 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,439 Speaker 1: I actually deserve the love that I want it. So 352 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,320 Speaker 1: now I like have I like went to my therapist 353 00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:36,240 Speaker 1: and was like, this is happening. I keep getting like 354 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:39,360 Speaker 1: obsessed over these men who I don't even respect. 355 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:40,520 Speaker 2: I get obsessed over them. 356 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,760 Speaker 1: Not anymore. This was like back maybe like a year 357 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,520 Speaker 1: and a half ago. I like went to her and 358 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:48,560 Speaker 1: was like, I am like there would be men who 359 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 1: were violent, like they would be like sovice. Like literally 360 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,440 Speaker 1: one of them was was living with it, like living 361 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,600 Speaker 1: out of his car and with his friends. No shame 362 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,040 Speaker 1: to that, Like people go through different life circumstances. 363 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 2: And he woke up with you and he said, you 364 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,400 Speaker 2: know what, I think I can do better? 365 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, probably, Like I think it was a long relationship, 366 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: but like there was another one who's like he's like 367 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,399 Speaker 1: I still live at home with my mom and I 368 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,680 Speaker 1: hate my job, but I only worked three days a 369 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,240 Speaker 1: week and I know. I was like, what are you 370 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,919 Speaker 1: interested in? And he's like, I don't really know, like 371 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,000 Speaker 1: watching TV? And I was like, I was like, are 372 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 1: you the love of my life? 373 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,320 Speaker 2: Because it's like if you have hobbies, I can be 374 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:30,800 Speaker 2: I can be your hobby because I'm interested in me. 375 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,560 Speaker 1: Yeah. And the other thing was like he couldn't drive, 376 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,120 Speaker 1: and I was like, I can teach him how to drive, 377 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,399 Speaker 1: and then you know what, he can depend on me 378 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,160 Speaker 1: exactly it was. It was toxic and like I can 379 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 1: look at that now and be like I get that. 380 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,000 Speaker 1: I get where that was coming from. I get where 381 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,040 Speaker 1: that was bad because I've healed that part of myself. 382 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 1: But the way that I did that was like I 383 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 1: literally set out like point blank in my notes. I 384 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,120 Speaker 1: wrote it in my diary, like what is the bare 385 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,480 Speaker 1: minimum here? Like what do I want? And after like dates, 386 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,240 Speaker 1: I would go back and be like did they actually 387 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,480 Speaker 1: meet this? If I couldn't really tell, I would go 388 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,960 Speaker 1: on a second date. But if it was like no, 389 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,760 Speaker 1: then I was like I always messaged them being like 390 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,240 Speaker 1: I'm really like I had a really amazing time, but 391 00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 1: this isn't going anywhere, and it's like a massive thing 392 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,760 Speaker 1: you need to learn. So I think my question to 393 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,960 Speaker 1: you was like, what do you think that, what do 394 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,200 Speaker 1: you wish you'd known at that time, or what do 395 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:22,080 Speaker 1: you wish you'd known earlier as someone back in their twenties. 396 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:27,000 Speaker 2: Well, A, I wish. It's hard to say because a 397 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,520 Speaker 2: part of me wants to say I wish I learned 398 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,600 Speaker 2: how to love myself sooner. But then I also think 399 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 2: I needed to have all these life lessons. But I 400 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 2: guess if I was being unrealistic and more dream in dreamland, 401 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:45,560 Speaker 2: and it's yes, if I could have the same outcome 402 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,879 Speaker 2: as now, if nothing would change, it's something that I 403 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 2: could wish that I learned faster. It's probably how to 404 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,439 Speaker 2: love myself and how to walk away from a partner 405 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 2: that was never going to love me because it was 406 00:19:55,280 --> 00:20:00,360 Speaker 2: never about that person, and I wish that I didn't, 407 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,919 Speaker 2: You know what, Actually I wish I wish that I 408 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:10,240 Speaker 2: would have been more brave and learn and change my 409 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,480 Speaker 2: generational trauma and my family's dynamic sooner, because so many 410 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:18,160 Speaker 2: years I was always so afraid of being rejected by 411 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,640 Speaker 2: my father, which sounds so silly for anyone out there 412 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,199 Speaker 2: that doesn't have the type of issues, whether it's your 413 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:26,199 Speaker 2: mother or your father, But it's this weird rejection because 414 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 2: people don't realize if you have daddy issues, the first 415 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 2: man that breaks your heart technically is your father, which 416 00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:35,520 Speaker 2: is a little strange. But I didn't really grow up 417 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,439 Speaker 2: with him. And then I remember when I saw one 418 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,520 Speaker 2: of my friends hug my dad. I didn't understand why 419 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,359 Speaker 2: she even did that. And I was like, wait, you 420 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,040 Speaker 2: just asked your dad for advice and you guys just 421 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:47,520 Speaker 2: hugged just like that. That's so weird. She goes, do 422 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:50,200 Speaker 2: you not hug your dad? And I go, well, I 423 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,399 Speaker 2: don't even know what you would do. But if I 424 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:52,760 Speaker 2: tried to hug him and he was like, ew, why 425 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,639 Speaker 2: are you touching me? That's so not our dynamic. It's weird. 426 00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:59,680 Speaker 2: So it took me years until and I never would 427 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,199 Speaker 2: say a lot to him because I was scared he 428 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,919 Speaker 2: would laugh at my face or he would reject me, 429 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,400 Speaker 2: and I was scared of the rejection. And that kind 430 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 2: of created the rest of my identity where it was 431 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,920 Speaker 2: around the male gaze, where I was insecure enough that 432 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,679 Speaker 2: I stay with my ex for so long, and I was. 433 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,400 Speaker 2: I was just there to be pretty and have sex 434 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 2: with my boyfriend while he was cheating on me. But 435 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 2: that was my role, and I still didn't know who 436 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:29,480 Speaker 2: I was. So when I one day as an I 437 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:32,879 Speaker 2: used to be an accountant. Oh why Yeah, I have 438 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,080 Speaker 2: two degrees, So I used to be an accountant. That's 439 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,400 Speaker 2: one of my degrees at a big public accounting firm. 440 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 2: And when I was getting bullied at the firm, it's 441 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,160 Speaker 2: actually one of the reasons I started Daddy Issues. So honestly, 442 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 2: bless them for bullying. 443 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. 444 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:46,879 Speaker 2: Strong. 445 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,800 Speaker 1: I wonder how they're going, Yeah, how are you going? Friends? 446 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,920 Speaker 2: So because of that, I created Daddy Issues secretly, and 447 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,919 Speaker 2: Daddy Issues when I created it, and I got to 448 00:21:55,960 --> 00:22:00,080 Speaker 2: see with just through memes that my and when I 449 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,080 Speaker 2: created Daddy Issues, I created an alter ego because at 450 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,119 Speaker 2: this point I had no idea who I was, and 451 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,639 Speaker 2: I felt so invisible. I had no identity, and the 452 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 2: people created me. Because when I started posting random things anonymously, 453 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,680 Speaker 2: because I was anonymous for almost two years, is when 454 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,880 Speaker 2: I suddenly got to see, oh, other people can relate. 455 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,320 Speaker 2: Oh I thought I was alone in this okay, And 456 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,560 Speaker 2: that gave me the and when I created Daddy Issues, 457 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 2: I wrote about a girl who was my alter ego 458 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,119 Speaker 2: because I can never be as cool as her. She 459 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 2: was a popular girl. She was a skinny, pretty girl 460 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,440 Speaker 2: that everyone liked. She grew up rich. I grew up poor. 461 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,479 Speaker 2: She had all the money, she had, all the drugs, 462 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,560 Speaker 2: all the boys liked her. I was so invisible, or 463 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,840 Speaker 2: at least thought that was my view, that was my reality. 464 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,520 Speaker 2: And that's how I was able to have the confidence 465 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,280 Speaker 2: to run Daddy Issues, which is so funny because I 466 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 2: was pretending to be her, and that gave me and 467 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 2: seeing how people could relate that I'm not alone, it 468 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 2: gave me the confidence. And the first time I life that, 469 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,800 Speaker 2: I said, you know what, I don't care anymore if 470 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,679 Speaker 2: my dad's going to reject me, because I want to 471 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,640 Speaker 2: tell him that I love him. Because my father may 472 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 2: not have who knows when how many more years I 473 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 2: have with him. I want him to know that I 474 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:05,640 Speaker 2: love him, and that's all that matters. And I want 475 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,280 Speaker 2: to hug my dad, and I'm okay if he says no, 476 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:10,680 Speaker 2: or because at least I tried so, because at least 477 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,280 Speaker 2: then he'll know that I love him. So I started 478 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,040 Speaker 2: doing that. It was a practice I started. I started 479 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,520 Speaker 2: on the phone when we were about to talk on 480 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,440 Speaker 2: the phone barely but we're about to hang up, and 481 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,080 Speaker 2: I would say, wait, Dad, hold on. He's like what, 482 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,960 Speaker 2: I'm like, I love you, and it's like he hang ups. 483 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 2: Then eventually I'm like, way, Dad, I love you. Silence 484 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,680 Speaker 2: stays on the phone, say on the phone, hangs up. 485 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 2: Then eventually, Dad, I love you. Silence me too, hang up. 486 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:43,159 Speaker 2: Then eventually I love you. I love you too. I 487 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:44,200 Speaker 2: know it's so sweet. 488 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 1: That is really sweet. 489 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, And then eventually started, you know, trying to hug 490 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:51,720 Speaker 2: each other and all that, and now my whole family 491 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:56,040 Speaker 2: dynamic is so different and in a weird way, that 492 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,360 Speaker 2: helped me learn how to love myself. And I helped 493 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:02,040 Speaker 2: me stop feeling this bless you. Sorry, I get so 494 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:06,119 Speaker 2: sensitive about my dad's so that's okay. It helped me 495 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:12,120 Speaker 2: stop feary like my dad's love was the scariest thing 496 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,359 Speaker 2: to me. So once I wasn't scared of being rejected 497 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,919 Speaker 2: by my father, almost felt like I was free because 498 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,760 Speaker 2: even in that moment, I would have known whether or 499 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,040 Speaker 2: not he was going to be super kate, and if 500 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 2: he didn't, I would have finally let it go, and 501 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,920 Speaker 2: if he did, whatever, But in that moment also is 502 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,640 Speaker 2: when I got to learn love languages and all that 503 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 2: and attachmentselves, and I got to learn that my father 504 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:34,879 Speaker 2: did try his whole life to love me. I just 505 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,080 Speaker 2: didn't know because my dad's love language was putting a 506 00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,120 Speaker 2: roof over my head and acts of service because his 507 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:44,159 Speaker 2: father was an alcoholic drug who got beat up to 508 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,080 Speaker 2: death when he was when my dad was seventeen for 509 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:49,520 Speaker 2: being a Jew in Communist Russia, and he left my 510 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,840 Speaker 2: father and his mother with nothing. So my dads were 511 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,159 Speaker 2: to never be like his father, to provide us with 512 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,320 Speaker 2: the home and get me through school. And that's exactly 513 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:58,920 Speaker 2: what he did. That's how he showed me his love. 514 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,919 Speaker 2: But I didn't know because I'm just a child. I 515 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,959 Speaker 2: just want to be hugged and I don't have that. 516 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,639 Speaker 2: But he didn't grow up with that. So as an adult, 517 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:08,479 Speaker 2: I got to learn that, and I got to forgive 518 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,440 Speaker 2: my father for not knowing any better, and I got 519 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,119 Speaker 2: to show him love and he gets to give me 520 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,400 Speaker 2: love back, and I get to show love to the world. 521 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,240 Speaker 2: And that's actually one of the reasons I created my 522 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,959 Speaker 2: podcast because it was me being so fascinating curious about 523 00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:23,119 Speaker 2: all these things I didn't grow up with, and it 524 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:26,360 Speaker 2: made me want to as I'm learning everything, I want 525 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:27,920 Speaker 2: to share it with my audience. 526 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:33,199 Speaker 1: Oh that's so beautiful, it really is, and a massive 527 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,439 Speaker 1: testament to you that I think not many people have 528 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:42,320 Speaker 1: the self awareness and the vulnerability to actually approach that 529 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,520 Speaker 1: issue within their family. Like so many people just kind 530 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:47,919 Speaker 1: of get to the point where they're like, this is 531 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:52,040 Speaker 1: how it's always going to be beautifully changed. Like you 532 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:55,480 Speaker 1: healed your generational and trauma, Like you genuinely did that 533 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,159 Speaker 1: as a single individual. You sat back and were like, 534 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:02,239 Speaker 1: this is mine to fix and you did it. And 535 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,840 Speaker 1: that's so nice. Oh it's so deserving. You're so deserving 536 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,680 Speaker 1: of that as well. And what do you think when 537 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,320 Speaker 1: I really want to pick up on what you talked 538 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,000 Speaker 1: about when you talked about love languages as well? Do 539 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:18,560 Speaker 1: you did a minute? Do you want to pause from fine? Okay? 540 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,879 Speaker 1: Are you sure getting away? Period? 541 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,040 Speaker 2: Start? Oh? 542 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:31,119 Speaker 1: Okay? Do you think that knowing what you now know 543 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:36,160 Speaker 1: about your dad's love language has changed your love languages 544 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,959 Speaker 1: over time or changed how you approach, how you communicate 545 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:41,240 Speaker 1: or show your love language? 546 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,640 Speaker 2: So I think as we get older, our love languages 547 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,920 Speaker 2: are constantly changing as we are constantly evolving, hopefully, which 548 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,080 Speaker 2: is what you should be doing. And I think the 549 00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,600 Speaker 2: coolest thing about love languages is that we don't realize 550 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:56,480 Speaker 2: two things. Number one, the love languages that you have 551 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,320 Speaker 2: as an adult, actually the love languages you didn't get 552 00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:04,280 Speaker 2: as a child. Yes, voice, so my love languages were 553 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:09,600 Speaker 2: touch and words of information, but I didn't know that 554 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,960 Speaker 2: was my love languages. But that's what I lacked. And 555 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 2: the love language I was giving to other people were 556 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,880 Speaker 2: gifts and acts of service because that's what I grew 557 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,080 Speaker 2: up with my father. And the second thing that we 558 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,639 Speaker 2: don't know about love languages aside from it's always changing, 559 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,560 Speaker 2: So I guess the second thing is that it's always changing. 560 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,080 Speaker 2: So then the third thing we don't realize love languages 561 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,120 Speaker 2: applied to everything, and a lot of times we tend 562 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:33,520 Speaker 2: to apply them only in dating. And then how often 563 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,960 Speaker 2: do we have breakups with our friends? And that's a 564 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,920 Speaker 2: thing that we never really talk about friendship breakups and 565 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,359 Speaker 2: the friends. But love languages also happened in your friendships, 566 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:48,080 Speaker 2: in your family dynamic with my sister, my sister and 567 00:27:48,119 --> 00:27:50,440 Speaker 2: I during the pandemic. We had a really big fight 568 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,640 Speaker 2: and I just couldn't get it. She called me selfish 569 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:55,960 Speaker 2: all these words, and I did, and she said, you 570 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,480 Speaker 2: make you just don't love me. It feels like you 571 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,200 Speaker 2: don't care about me. And I said, I don't understand. 572 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,399 Speaker 2: I'm trying so hard to show you that I love you. 573 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,240 Speaker 2: Every day I text you how amazing you are and 574 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:08,080 Speaker 2: how much you're killing it, and I've been buying your 575 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,520 Speaker 2: children gifts because I love you so much. She goes, 576 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,400 Speaker 2: You're so fucking shallow, Like it's like you never answer 577 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:15,800 Speaker 2: my text, you don't call me, and then you just 578 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,800 Speaker 2: tell me I'm amazing. What does that even mean? And 579 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,080 Speaker 2: that's when I sat down. Instead of attacking my sister 580 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,320 Speaker 2: back and not speaking to her whatever people like to 581 00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:28,160 Speaker 2: do these days, I realized, wait, why would she say 582 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:29,800 Speaker 2: I'm shallow? I don't get it. I'm showing you that 583 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 2: I love her. And then I realized, wait, does she 584 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,359 Speaker 2: not feel loved by me? What does this mean? And 585 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:39,280 Speaker 2: then I started digging into love languages and I realized, oh, 586 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,000 Speaker 2: I bet we have different love languages. I bet I'm 587 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:43,880 Speaker 2: doing my best to show her that I love her, 588 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,160 Speaker 2: but she's not speaking the same love language as me, 589 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:48,280 Speaker 2: so to her, she feels un love by her own 590 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:52,719 Speaker 2: sister and we're best friends. And that's when I realized, Karen, 591 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:55,840 Speaker 2: what's your love language? And said, what are you talking about? 592 00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:58,160 Speaker 2: And I said, Karen, just do the test, the random 593 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:01,680 Speaker 2: free test on Google languages. I think that's where we 594 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,520 Speaker 2: have the issue. So again I put my ego aside 595 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 2: to figure out instead of taking what she said personally, 596 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 2: to understand how can I make my sister feel loved? 597 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 2: And that's when I realized, for her, what is it 598 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,960 Speaker 2: physical touch and quality time or her love languages? So 599 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,840 Speaker 2: we are the pandemic, so we can't do quality time. 600 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,080 Speaker 2: So she's missing that, and I mean physical touch and 601 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,600 Speaker 2: the quality time I'm not. I'm so busy with work 602 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,320 Speaker 2: that's not priority for me to answer people's sex right 603 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,000 Speaker 2: away or to call. So I'm doing what I know best, 604 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:34,360 Speaker 2: which is hey, you're doing great, or you look so 605 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,480 Speaker 2: cute in that outfit, because that works for me, but 606 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 2: for her it's shallow. So once I realized that my 607 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,200 Speaker 2: phone's always on, do not disturb, But with my sister, 608 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 2: I remove that. So she texts me, I answer right away. 609 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,600 Speaker 2: I always call her I check in with her now 610 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,480 Speaker 2: the pandemic's over, and make sure to spend time with 611 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,720 Speaker 2: her because I know that's what's important to her. Is 612 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,200 Speaker 2: it one of my It is technically one of my 613 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,440 Speaker 2: love languages now, but in the past was it No? 614 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,440 Speaker 2: But because I knew that's have she feelt loved, I 615 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,560 Speaker 2: made the effort to do that. So I think it's 616 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:07,320 Speaker 2: the same thing with couples as well. You should ask 617 00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:09,640 Speaker 2: each other or your friends what are your love languages, 618 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:12,240 Speaker 2: and even if those are not your love languages, then 619 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:14,720 Speaker 2: you can put the effort to make the other person 620 00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:17,000 Speaker 2: feel loved because a lot it's so sad the fact 621 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:20,560 Speaker 2: that all these years growing up with my father, he 622 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 2: did his best in his own way to show me 623 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:24,960 Speaker 2: that you loved me, and I've was this lonely child 624 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:28,560 Speaker 2: thinking what does my father hate me so much? You know? 625 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:33,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so rough, I think, but it shows a 626 00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: great maturity and I think self awareness to recognize that 627 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:40,320 Speaker 1: your love languages aren't just for what you need, but 628 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:42,760 Speaker 1: therefore what others want to receive from you as well, 629 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:46,520 Speaker 1: and you have to adapt them to different circumstances, especially 630 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:50,160 Speaker 1: in relationships where you really love the person and I 631 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:53,600 Speaker 1: think a familial and a sister relationship is such a 632 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:56,800 Speaker 1: good example of that where it's like, okay, I feel 633 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,520 Speaker 1: like sometimes love languages don't really apply in like the 634 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:02,440 Speaker 1: early stages of dating if you're not like committed to 635 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:06,560 Speaker 1: each other. But when it comes to those like lifelong 636 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,880 Speaker 1: relationships that are always going to be by your side, 637 00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:14,840 Speaker 1: it's worth really acknowledging, like where your capacity for showing 638 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 1: love and the kind of love you show has come from, 639 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,040 Speaker 1: and how it can change over time, because I also agree, 640 00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:23,480 Speaker 1: I do believe that it will change, and there are 641 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:25,680 Speaker 1: certain people in your life who will change that for you. 642 00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 1: Like I think I was always someone who I thought 643 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: my love language was like physical touch and words of affirmation. 644 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:35,160 Speaker 1: And then I had this boyfriend who was so generous 645 00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 1: with me and would always give me gifts that he'd 646 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:40,520 Speaker 1: really thought about, and I always felt so awkward about 647 00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:43,280 Speaker 1: receiving those, and I I was always like oh no, no, no, 648 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:45,440 Speaker 1: like this is weird. This is like what are you doing? 649 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:46,320 Speaker 1: You're bribing me? 650 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,040 Speaker 2: Like what are you bribing me? 651 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,400 Speaker 1: I don't know. I just I wasn't used to it. 652 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:52,880 Speaker 1: I was like worth yeah, I was like, this actually 653 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,040 Speaker 1: makes me uncomfortable and then he was like, no, I'm 654 00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,000 Speaker 1: actually just doing this because I love you. And I 655 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,120 Speaker 1: was like, and then it can change. And now I'm 656 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:04,400 Speaker 1: much better at receiving gifts from people when I'm like, 657 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:06,040 Speaker 1: you know, when they've really a bad way. 658 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:07,480 Speaker 2: He knew how to express himself. 659 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:10,959 Speaker 1: Yeah, and it was so sweet. It was really sweet. 660 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:13,360 Speaker 1: He like, yeah, he was a good boyfriend. Shout out 661 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,400 Speaker 1: to that boyfriend. He was a goodie. Before we wrap up, 662 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,080 Speaker 1: I do want to ask just like one final question here, 663 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:21,120 Speaker 1: because I feel like a lot of what we've spoken 664 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:26,719 Speaker 1: about today is navigating our childhood wounds and these versions 665 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:29,280 Speaker 1: of our younger self that we have to adapt and 666 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:33,160 Speaker 1: bring into our current selves and understand and love. So 667 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:36,520 Speaker 1: what would you say to like your younger self, that 668 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,320 Speaker 1: little girl who didn't feel particularly loved or seen by 669 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:42,120 Speaker 1: her father, or any of those versions of you. 670 00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 2: I guess what I would tell my younger self. I 671 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,120 Speaker 2: would tell my younger self that all the things in 672 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:50,880 Speaker 2: that moment that I think are important and matter will 673 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,040 Speaker 2: not matter a couple of years from now. Whether it 674 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:56,280 Speaker 2: was dying to be popular in high school, to be 675 00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:58,840 Speaker 2: seen the boys that I thought were cool, the guys 676 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:00,960 Speaker 2: that I was seeing the none of them matter and 677 00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:03,400 Speaker 2: wanting to get love from people that ever loved me, 678 00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,200 Speaker 2: that all that would not matter as long as love myself. 679 00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:07,800 Speaker 2: I think the biggest lesson I could have given my 680 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:11,040 Speaker 2: younger self is that no one else knows what they're doing, 681 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:14,240 Speaker 2: and everyone else is just as insecure as you are. 682 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 2: That's the biggest lesson that I would take away. And 683 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:19,800 Speaker 2: it took me a lot of years to learn that 684 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,720 Speaker 2: no one else, everyone else is a loser just like you. 685 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,000 Speaker 2: Because first you're like, I'm the biggest loser in this room, 686 00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:27,960 Speaker 2: and then you're like, wait, no, everyone else is a 687 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:31,240 Speaker 2: loser in this room. No one is thinking about you. 688 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:34,280 Speaker 2: No one's thinking about me right now. No one's judging me, 689 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,040 Speaker 2: no one gives a shit about me. And you know what, 690 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,440 Speaker 2: that's beautiful. That's amazing because I didn't get to walk 691 00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:40,680 Speaker 2: around and live my life and do everything I want 692 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,400 Speaker 2: to do because no one gives a shit. We spent 693 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:45,920 Speaker 2: so much of our lives caring so much what everyone 694 00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:48,400 Speaker 2: else thinks, until one day we realize that no one 695 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:50,760 Speaker 2: was ever thinking about us at all. They were thinking 696 00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:54,320 Speaker 2: about themselves and their ibs and and you know, the 697 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,440 Speaker 2: guy who didn't text them and whatever it else, they 698 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:58,520 Speaker 2: weren't thinking. They don't give a shit. Then you forgot 699 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:00,320 Speaker 2: to brush your hair. They weren't looking at you, and 700 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,400 Speaker 2: tomorrow they're not going to remember that because they're going 701 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,200 Speaker 2: to think about something else. So you're going to spend 702 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,040 Speaker 2: your whole life what not moving forward, not doing sure 703 00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:08,880 Speaker 2: because God forbid, someone else is going to judge you. 704 00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:12,000 Speaker 2: Fuck those people you know tells you not to do something, 705 00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:14,080 Speaker 2: it's people that are too scared to do it themselves. 706 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:15,759 Speaker 2: So what I would tell my younger self is to 707 00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:19,680 Speaker 2: everyone's so insecure and to not listen to other people 708 00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:21,279 Speaker 2: to tell me that I can't do something or that 709 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:24,040 Speaker 2: I or know, because what the F did they know? 710 00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:28,480 Speaker 1: Mmm? I totally agree. One of my friends said this 711 00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,200 Speaker 1: to me the other day and it really resonated. It 712 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,520 Speaker 1: was like, you will never be judged by someone doing 713 00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:37,200 Speaker 1: better than you. No one doing better than you is 714 00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:40,400 Speaker 1: ever going to judge down on you because they know 715 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:41,360 Speaker 1: you know. 716 00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:45,520 Speaker 2: I just that makes me feel I really needed to 717 00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:47,160 Speaker 2: hear that. That makes me feel so really there. 718 00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:48,160 Speaker 1: Thank you for saying that. 719 00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,920 Speaker 2: I'm gonna write that Downeah, really good advice. 720 00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:54,040 Speaker 1: It really changed things to me. You know, I feel like, wow, 721 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,839 Speaker 1: I feel like both of us have online a big 722 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:00,920 Speaker 1: online You have a massive online presence, mindless so but 723 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:07,800 Speaker 1: still an online presence. And sometimes people can be really mean, yeah, 724 00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:12,400 Speaker 1: really mean, and it's just it really I was talking 725 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:14,200 Speaker 1: to my friend about it and she said that to me. 726 00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:16,920 Speaker 1: She was like, listen, none of these people have what 727 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:21,080 Speaker 1: you have. If they did, they wouldn't be saying anything. 728 00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:26,200 Speaker 1: Can you imagine someone doing better than you, ever criticizing 729 00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:28,480 Speaker 1: you or putting you down. It's like no, because they're 730 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:31,640 Speaker 1: not insecure, because they would have that need to prove 731 00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:35,800 Speaker 1: themselves by tall poppy syndrome like we were talking about before. 732 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:40,000 Speaker 2: So yeah, like Kylie Jenner is not sitting around thinking 733 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:43,960 Speaker 2: like that's a stupid episode. She's more thinking, Okay, don't 734 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:45,840 Speaker 2: want to listen to this or not goodbye, you know, 735 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,280 Speaker 2: and then she goes back to her multi billion dollar 736 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:49,960 Speaker 2: company exactly. 737 00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:53,600 Speaker 1: Meanwhile, we're just here like h letting little trolls like 738 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:57,040 Speaker 1: ruin our days. So it's a good thing to remember. 739 00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:00,400 Speaker 1: That's a really good advice. I'm glad you liked it. Well, 740 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:03,520 Speaker 1: thank you for coming on, of course, thank you so 741 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,080 Speaker 1: much for having me. It was honestly probably one of 742 00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:10,080 Speaker 1: my favorite episodes. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I 743 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:13,200 Speaker 1: hope that everyone who is listening right now learned something, 744 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,440 Speaker 1: enjoyed it, and let you go and listen to Almost 745 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:20,680 Speaker 1: Adulting and follow Daddy Issues on Instagram because both are 746 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:24,480 Speaker 1: incredible slices and corners of the Internet. 747 00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:27,840 Speaker 2: Yes, thank you so much for having me. Almost Adulting 748 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,279 Speaker 2: is on every Tuesday and Thursday. My sole episodes or 749 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:34,520 Speaker 2: guest episodes normally Thursday. My short episodes and more fun 750 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:37,759 Speaker 2: episodes are Tuesdays, available on all platforms, and then I'm 751 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:39,920 Speaker 2: Fellow Benson. You can follow me on Instagram and then 752 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,880 Speaker 2: my memacount Daddy Issues Underscore. 753 00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:45,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so funny. I've actually been following Daddy Issues 754 00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:50,239 Speaker 1: since I was like nineteen eighteen. Really, yeah, it would 755 00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:52,719 Speaker 1: have been a while. I remember, like me and my 756 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:55,440 Speaker 1: friends really lacking it back when I was in So 757 00:36:55,760 --> 00:37:02,040 Speaker 1: that's so cool that full circle moment for me. Thank 758 00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:04,880 Speaker 1: you everyone for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode, 759 00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:07,400 Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on 760 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:11,719 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now if you 761 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:14,320 Speaker 1: feel cold to do so, of course, it really helps 762 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:17,560 Speaker 1: the show to grow. Also, feel free to join the 763 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:21,080 Speaker 1: community and follow us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. 764 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:24,239 Speaker 1: We take episode suggestions, we'd love to hear from you, 765 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,920 Speaker 1: and as always, to have a lovely week wherever you 766 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,359 Speaker 1: are in the world, and we will be back next 767 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:30,880 Speaker 1: week for another episode.