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Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl.

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Speaker 2: Hi.

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Speaker 1: Everyone, welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all

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Speaker 1: about the choices we make and how they shape our lives. Today,

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Speaker 1: we're making a choice to embrace a brand new way

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Speaker 1: of thinking about aging with the incredible doctor Mendy Pels.

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Speaker 1: Doctor Mindy says menopause isn't the end of anything, It's

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Speaker 1: the beginning of everything. Her new book, Age Like a Girl,

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Speaker 1: blends neuroscience and psychology and invites women to transform the

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Speaker 1: next part of our lives into the most powerful chapter yet.

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Speaker 1: Please welcome doctor Mendy.

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Speaker 2: Dodor.

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Speaker 1: Mendy, you say that postmenopausal we have a new brain emerging.

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Speaker 1: I've never I've never heard it quite said like that.

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Speaker 1: What do you mean?

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Speaker 2: Oh? I love that you've never heard this, because this

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Speaker 2: is a ten year research project that I've been on

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Speaker 2: proving that menopause is actually working for us. And what

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Speaker 2: I mean by it is that the brain rewires itself.

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Speaker 2: With the drop in sex hormones, primarily estrogen, the brain

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Speaker 2: starts to take the neurons you no longer need. And

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Speaker 2: you know what neurons you don't need anymore?

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Speaker 1: Which one?

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Speaker 2: You know? You don't need the people pleasing neurons. You

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Speaker 2: don't need. I'm going to fix everybody's life. Neurons Bye,

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Speaker 2: by neurons exactly all the things that kept us tethered

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Speaker 2: to everybody else's opinion of us. Those neurons go away

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Speaker 2: to make room for new neurons that are setting you

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Speaker 2: up for more independent thinking, more leadership, more focused, better cognition.

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Speaker 2: These are all things that I discovered in this ten

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Speaker 2: year research project I call age like a girl.

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Speaker 1: Age like a girl. You've okay, you said ten years

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Speaker 1: you've been doing this, and that you also said that

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Speaker 1: this story is about your own journey and it's deeply personal.

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Speaker 3: Why Well, so, when I wanted to answer the question

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Speaker 3: of what was the purpose of menopause, I started to

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Speaker 3: see some statistics that were saying that if a woman's lucky,

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Speaker 3: she'll live about forty two point five percent of her

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Speaker 3: life post reproductively.

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Speaker 2: I also saw a statistic that said the most common

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Speaker 2: time for a woman to kill herself is between the

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Speaker 2: decade of forty five and fifty five. And mixed that

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Speaker 2: with I had a practice full of women in their

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Speaker 2: forties where they, on paper, everything in their life looked perfect,

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Speaker 2: But when I got in behind a closed door, they

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Speaker 2: would tell me things like I'm suicidal, I'm depressed all

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Speaker 2: the time. I'm thinking I'm gonna leave my husband, Like

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Speaker 2: really deep stuff was going on. So ten years ago,

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Speaker 2: I wanted to understand what was happening to the female

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Speaker 2: brain as a woman went through this massive neurocheml change.

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Speaker 2: And in that research, I actually found myself and I

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Speaker 2: found parts of me that I no longer wanted to

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Speaker 2: hold on to, the people pleasing parts, the codependent parts.

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Speaker 2: I had to come to a realization that I had

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Speaker 2: a bit of a codependent nature, the parts that I

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Speaker 2: was trying to fix everybody around me. I mean, I

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Speaker 2: became a doctor and so I wanted to fix everybody's health,

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Speaker 2: and in that I realized I lost myself and that

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Speaker 2: I didn't have a relationship with myself. So it's deeply

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Speaker 2: personal because it started off as a research project, but

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Speaker 2: when I actually went to go write it, I realized

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Speaker 2: how much this was my journey.

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Speaker 1: Your journey, every woman's journey. I think we all reached

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Speaker 1: that age where we're like, what in the world do

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Speaker 1: I do? Now?

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Speaker 2: That's right, that's right?

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Speaker 1: Is this book only for menopausal women.

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Speaker 2: It's such a good question. So the absolute answer is no.

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Speaker 2: I want to tell you that the most interesting discussions

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Speaker 2: I've been having with this book are with thirty year

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Speaker 2: old women. There are so many thirty mid thirty year

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Speaker 2: old women, late thirty year old women that are saying

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Speaker 2: to me, thank you because I want to know how

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Speaker 2: to prepare for menopause.

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Speaker 1: Oh I love these women. We do these women have

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Speaker 1: the information that we didn't have.

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Speaker 2: Yes, thanks to you. Yeah, well, there's a bunch of

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Speaker 2: us out there trying to bring it forward. So but

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Speaker 2: then the other age group that I found is really

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Speaker 2: surprising are the seventy year olds. I've had a lot

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Speaker 2: of women online and in our membership group really expressed

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Speaker 2: that they went through menopause in silence, and they weren't

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Speaker 2: given a butterfly moment. They weren't told that their brain

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Speaker 2: was rewiring, and so things that I'm pointing out in

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Speaker 2: this book. They had strong hunches about and are finally

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Speaker 2: leaning into living life the way they want to live it.

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Speaker 1: This is so great. You say, menopause isn't a decline

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Speaker 1: at all. It's a transition into wisdom, leadership, and a

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Speaker 1: new brain. So for women listening, What does that mean

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Speaker 1: for who we're all becoming?

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Speaker 2: So I think the easiest way to explain that is

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Speaker 2: in the research I did. I dove into Lisa Mosconi's work,

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Speaker 2: and Lisa's work is she did. She wrote a book

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Speaker 2: called the Menopause Brain a couple of years back, and

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Speaker 2: she's one of the number one female brain researchers. And

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Speaker 2: the best way she explains it, and I love this,

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Speaker 2: is that a woman's brain will rewire itself three times

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Speaker 2: in her life, and these three times are all initiated

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Speaker 2: by a dramatic shift in hormones. So in this, when

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Speaker 2: you start to think it through, it makes logical sense.

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Speaker 2: So at puberty, when estrogen comes in, the brain will

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Speaker 2: slough off, prune away the neurons that kept you attached

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Speaker 2: to a caregiver. So you were attached to your parent

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Speaker 2: or whoever was the person that was, you know, taking

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Speaker 2: you along, keeping you alive for most.

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Speaker 1: Of the time, right.

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Speaker 2: But then once you get your period. With having a

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Speaker 2: period comes the possibility of pregnancy. So your brain has

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Speaker 2: to rewire itself for independence and so that it can

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Speaker 2: think on its own. And any mother of a teenager,

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Speaker 2: me being one of them, will tell you, Yep, that's

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Speaker 2: exactly what happened. I had an adorable, you know girl

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Speaker 2: who all of a sudden looked at me like I

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Speaker 2: was the enemy. But now I understand that makes sense

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Speaker 2: because her brain rewired in order to start to become

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Speaker 2: more independent.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that's right. So I mean, yeah, I've

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Speaker 1: seen it happen three times in my house, most recently.

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Speaker 1: Just with my new knowledge about the brain and the

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Speaker 1: estrogen how that impacts it, this is really making so

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Speaker 1: much sense.

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Speaker 2: Right, And that's I mean, that's been probably the greatest

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Speaker 2: experience I'm having with this book and these interviews, as

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Speaker 2: so many people are like, this makes sense. So postpartums

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Speaker 2: the second time, and what happens because we're so intelligently designed,

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Speaker 2: is that when the hormones crash after you deliver the baby,

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Speaker 2: your brain rewires itself again. It gets rid of those

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Speaker 2: neurons that told you where your keys were, that helped

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Speaker 2: you keep your task list in your head, that told

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Speaker 2: you why you walked into the other room. Those neurons

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Speaker 2: go away because you have a new purpose as a mom,

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Speaker 2: and that's to become highly intuitive as to what your

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Speaker 2: baby's needs are. Your baby doesn't talk, So you have

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Speaker 2: to be able to have a strong intuition to be

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Speaker 2: able to understand what your baby needs from you. So

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Speaker 2: you become highly intuitive as the brain rewires itself for

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Speaker 2: that job.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, my brain is a genius.

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Speaker 2: It is.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know what was doing. I didn't know it

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Speaker 1: was It had a plan, and I really thought I

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Speaker 1: was just I'm flying wild.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well this is what thank you. This is where

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Speaker 2: I get really excited because this is what I want

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Speaker 2: all women to see. So that leaves us with the

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Speaker 2: third time it rewires itself. So when estrogen drops in

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Speaker 2: your forties, when you're going through perimenopause, it's a signal

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Speaker 2: to get rid of the neurons you no longer need.

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Speaker 2: And you know what, neurons you no longer need, You

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Speaker 2: no longer need the people pleasing ones.

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Speaker 1: Would you go so far as to say that the

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Speaker 1: neuron that is you don't give a fuck what anybody else?

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I don't give a fuck what you think.

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Speaker 2: Neurons start to grow because listeners. Yeah, sorry, the people

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Speaker 2: pleasing ones go away. But this is the thing, and

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Speaker 2: this is the big message I want to bring forward,

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Speaker 2: is what we know is the brain is rewiring itself

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Speaker 2: for leadership, and a good leader stands in their own

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Speaker 2: independent thinking. A good leader doesn't fall prey to everybody's

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Speaker 2: thoughts about them. So you are literally I call it

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Speaker 2: a get out of jail for all of a sudden,

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Speaker 2: you don't care what everybody thinks of you because you're

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Speaker 2: getting a leadership brain. And at a time when we

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Speaker 2: are like worried that women are scared they're going to

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Speaker 2: go invisible because of wrinkles or gray hair, when I

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Speaker 2: look at the brain changes, I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 2: don't go invisible. We need the postmenopausal women with this

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Speaker 2: brain to stand up in independence, a thinking, and start

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Speaker 2: to lead. I look at the whole world in a

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Speaker 2: new direction. I really believe that postmenopausal brain is the

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Speaker 2: one that's here to save the day for us.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm so here for it. Okay, let's

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Speaker 1: talk about the grandmother hypothesis, because I think that's what

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Speaker 1: you were just kind of talking about. Yeah, powerful idea

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Speaker 1: that women were designed to thrive after fertility. So explain

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Speaker 1: that to us.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So I wanted to make sure that I backed

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Speaker 2: up this theory with lots of different things we know

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Speaker 2: about this process, and I think I've learned a lot

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Speaker 2: about studying the primal days. If we go back to

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Speaker 2: the hunter and gatherer days, this is how I found

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Speaker 2: fasting and what happens to the body. Back when we

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Speaker 2: didn't have so much access to food, when we didn't

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Speaker 2: have the creature comforts we have, how did the human

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Speaker 2: body perform there? And I found something called the grandmother hypothesis,

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Speaker 2: and what it states is that when a woman went

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Speaker 2: into her post reproductive years she stopped menstruating, the tribe

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Speaker 2: knew it that she was a valuable member of society

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Speaker 2: of the clan. Now she became she needed to be

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Speaker 2: moved into a new position. And what they knew is

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Speaker 2: that because all the energy wasn't going towards her reproductive system,

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Speaker 2: this energy could start to go towards fitness, cognition, and

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Speaker 2: social leadership. And so back in the hunter gathered days,

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Speaker 2: it was the post metopausal woman that got moved to

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Speaker 2: a place of protecting the clan and going out and

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Speaker 2: foraging for food. Now we have to put our brains

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Speaker 2: into primal days and realize that they didn't have door

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Speaker 2: dash and they didn't have refrigerators. They didn't have food

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Speaker 2: was a really big concern. So the alpha males would

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Speaker 2: go off and do a big animal kill. They came

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Speaker 2: back with food three percent of the time, that's one

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Speaker 2: out of thirty days. Back at the cave, life was

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Speaker 2: the fertile women who were either pregnant and nursing, and

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Speaker 2: the toddlers and babies. Somebody had to feed them, and

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Speaker 2: so it was the grandmothers that gathered around and every

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Speaker 2: morning they would make a seven hour trek out into

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Speaker 2: the wilderness to go forge for food and bring food

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Speaker 2: back to feed the women and children that were left behind.

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Speaker 2: And the grandmother hypothesis says basically that these posts to

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Speaker 2: menopausal women were evolutionary heroines that we wouldn't you and

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Speaker 2: I would not be sitting here talking if it hadn't

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Speaker 2: been for the grandmothers bringing food to make sure that

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Speaker 2: the mother and the baby and the children didn't die.

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Speaker 2: Like our species may have never evolved if we didn't

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Speaker 2: have the power of the grandmother. Which is so fascinating

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Speaker 2: right now because so many women are scared of becoming invisible.

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Speaker 2: But back in the hunter gathered days. No, no, no,

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Speaker 2: you were going to your highest place of purpose.

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Speaker 1: Right, you were revered.

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Speaker 2: You were revered, Yes, And I think that.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I've grew up respecting my elders, like just

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Speaker 1: that's when my parents taught me, and I teach my

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Speaker 1: girls that because I mean, there's so much wisdom, they

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Speaker 1: have so much to offer, and it makes perfect sense.

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Speaker 1: Like when my daughter has a baby, my brain will

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Speaker 1: kick into that grandmother ysothesis and I will be able

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Speaker 1: to help her provide for her as she learns how

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Speaker 1: to provide for her child.

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Speaker 2: That's right, And it doesn't even have to be you

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Speaker 2: don't have to even have it as a grandmother. I

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Speaker 2: think this is a big part of the book is

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Speaker 2: that so much of how we act and behave as

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Speaker 2: women in this culture is determined by the expectation of

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Speaker 2: the culture. So we could call it the patriarch. I

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Speaker 2: look at the patriarch as just power over. But one

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Speaker 2: of the people I quoted in the book is Carol

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Speaker 2: Gilligan who discovered that back in the nineteen eighties, which

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Speaker 2: is when I was a teenager, that girls, when they

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Speaker 2: moved into those post puberty years started to get taught

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Speaker 2: by the culture that you are good if you are selfless.

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Speaker 2: Her research was fascinating to me in this book because

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Speaker 2: she looked at girls and boys at nine and she

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Speaker 2: asked them different questions, like what do you want to eat?

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Speaker 2: And the boy would tell you exactly what he wants

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Speaker 2: to eat. The girl will tell you exactly what she

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Speaker 2: wants to eat. By thirteen, you ask them that same question,

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Speaker 2: the boy will tell you what he wants to eat.

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Speaker 2: And now the girl's brain is rewired because estrogen has

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Speaker 2: come in and she'll say to you, I don't know

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Speaker 2: what are you gonna eat? And a large part of

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Speaker 2: that is because hormones change the way our brain operated.

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Speaker 2: And the culture said, you are worthy if you're this size,

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Speaker 2: if you look this way, if you act this way,

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Speaker 2: and so we've all become great stewards of pleasing the culture.

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Speaker 2: But when the hormones go away, all of a sudden,

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Speaker 2: we're like, we don't give a fuck anymore, we don't

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Speaker 2: care anymore. But it's bigger than that. We're exhausted trying

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Speaker 2: to play by a set of rules that some you know,

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Speaker 2: cultures set for.

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Speaker 1: Us, and they just don't fit anymore.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't fit, it doesn't fit at all. So this

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Speaker 2: is why so many women are waking up, and I

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Speaker 2: think it can be scary if you've built your whole

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Speaker 2: wor worth around that external validation. And this is why

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Speaker 2: I put a whole section in the book of how

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Speaker 2: do we help women start to step into their most

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Speaker 2: authentic selves? How do you start speaking your voice if

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Speaker 2: you've never spoken your voice before?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: Yes, So for that woman who hears menopause and immediately

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Speaker 1: feels fear or loss or invisibility, like you said, what's

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Speaker 1: the very first mindset shift you want photo?

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Speaker 2: So the first thing is this is a good process

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Speaker 2: that's happening to your brain. Things are changing, so hang

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Speaker 2: in there. This isn't how your brain's going to be

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Speaker 2: for the rest of your life. We really have a

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Speaker 2: message right now that women are scared of dimension Alzheimer's.

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Speaker 2: So the minute the memory goes or the brain fog

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Speaker 2: kicks in, that's where their brain goes. And I want

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Speaker 2: to repattern that and say, nope, it's like a brain

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Speaker 2: I call it in the book a brain remodel project.

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Speaker 2: And anybody who's ever remodeled anything in their house knows

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Speaker 2: that the demolition of the old is exhausting and dusty

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Speaker 2: and dirty, and sometimes feels like it's going to go

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Speaker 2: on forever.

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Speaker 1: Such a great analogy.

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Speaker 2: That's what's happening to the brain. You can't remember, but

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Speaker 2: don't hang in there. Your brain is reorganizing itself. It's

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Speaker 2: remodeling itself. So that would be the first thing that

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Speaker 2: I want women to understand. It's temporary and it's purposeful.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I have hope now, whereas before I thought, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is my memory is just gone, and this is

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Speaker 1: what my life is going to be like, I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to know what I was saying five seconds ago.

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Speaker 1: So I'm in a remodeling stage. How long does this go?

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Speaker 1: How long is consisted?

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Speaker 2: Well, I need to know. Well, like many construction projects,

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Speaker 2: a longer than you expect. So you know, they say

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Speaker 2: it's about ten years, and I think all of us

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Speaker 2: that would probably knock us out right there understanding that

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Speaker 2: this remodel project goes ten years. But I want to

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Speaker 2: offer a different solution for that too, And I did

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Speaker 2: this in part two of the book, where I wanted

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Speaker 2: to show people that you actually are a neurochemical being,

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Speaker 2: and so as you're going through this process, there are

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Speaker 2: behaviors you can do to get your brain back on track.

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Speaker 2: So let's use memory as one. One of the major

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Speaker 2: neurotransmitters that estrogen stimulates is a transmitter called aceta colin,

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Speaker 2: and aceta coling is the neurotransmitter that gets stimulated when

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Speaker 2: you tell a story. When you go to tell a story,

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Speaker 2: you force your brain, especially if it was a story

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Speaker 2: in the past, it has to dip into a part

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Speaker 2: of the brain called the hippocampus that's where Alzheimer's lives.

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Speaker 2: And so if you constantly are sharing stories, and there's

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Speaker 2: a lot of different ways we can do this, you're

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Speaker 2: constantly asking your brain to make more aceta coling, so

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Speaker 2: you're keeping your memory sharp. You're allowing those neurons to

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Speaker 2: be bathed in this neurotrans admitted that estrogen just naturally

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Speaker 2: produced for you. Now you've got to go produce it

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Speaker 2: for yourself. And on the on the storytelling one, I

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Speaker 2: think we all know have a parent. Mine is my mom,

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Speaker 2: who is eighty six and tells the same story over

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Speaker 2: and over and over again, and we all roll our eyes,

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Speaker 2: and you know, we've gone through the phase of like, Mom,

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Speaker 2: you've told us that story before, but now that I

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Speaker 2: understand what she's doing, she's actually bathing her brain in

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Speaker 2: a seat of coaling. I actually play along.

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Speaker 1: Now, Oh my gosh, this is incredible. Okay, my mom

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Speaker 1: just moved in and she's eighty four. Yes, and you're

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Speaker 1: so right. And sometimes, you know, you don't want to

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Speaker 1: listen to that same story over and over again, but

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Speaker 1: you just shifted my whole perception and that is something

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Speaker 1: that she needs.

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Speaker 2: That's right. So you know what I do with my mom,

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Speaker 2: I ask her new parts of the story so that

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Speaker 2: she has to make more a seat of coling, so

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Speaker 2: she has to go deeper into that memory bank. And

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Speaker 2: I'll say things like, yeah, you know you've mentioned that before,

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Speaker 2: but you know what the part of the story I've

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Speaker 2: never heard is this, Or I go back to some

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Speaker 2: things I've gone with my mom. I've gone back a

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Speaker 2: lot and been like, you know, I don't ever remember

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Speaker 2: you telling me about X, Y and Z, and really storytelling, now,

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Speaker 2: I look at is a way of keeping her brain.

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Speaker 1: Sharp, interesting, interesting. So estrogen's decline affects a powerful what

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Speaker 1: you call girl gang of brain chemicals dopamine, serotonin, GABBA, oxytocin, BDNF,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what that is, and others.

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Speaker 2: So in my research, what I found is, and at

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Speaker 2: first glances sounds horrible, but stick with me here. We're

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Speaker 2: not just losing a couple of sex hormones. Actually, over

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Speaker 2: twelve major neurochemicals are affected, and estrogen specifically stimulated dopamine

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Speaker 2: and serotonin. So dopamine was our motivator. So that's super

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Speaker 2: important because I heard I've heard so many women in

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Speaker 2: their mid forties to late forties tell me I'm just

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Speaker 2: not motivated anymore. That's a loss of dopamine. Serotonin is

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Speaker 2: what keeps us happy, and so you know, a lot

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Speaker 2: of women are walking around depressed and not realizing that

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Speaker 2: their serotonin levels are low. But like serotonin, one of

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Speaker 2: the easiest ways to get serotonin is we have serotonin

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Speaker 2: receptor sites in our eyes where we take midday light

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Speaker 2: and we make it into serotonin through our eyes.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's how cool we are.

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Speaker 2: I just want to point out.

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Speaker 1: This is like, wow, we are so complex. So you

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Speaker 1: so instead of reaching for a drug to fix this problem,

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Speaker 1: this would be a first up. What you're recommending, go outside.

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Speaker 2: Go outside without your sunglasses on at the like the

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Speaker 2: height of the sun noon one o'clock, depending on the

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Speaker 2: time of year, go for a twenty minute walk. Walking

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Speaker 2: is going to lower cortisol, and now your body knows

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Speaker 2: how to use that light and turn it into serotonin.

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Speaker 2: Just don't put your sunglasses.

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Speaker 1: On, okay, because that blocks locks in.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so serotonin we can. There's a lot I have

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Speaker 2: in the book. I have a lot of ways to

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Speaker 2: bring each one of these back. Gaba is interesting because

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Speaker 2: gaba is what calmed us and now get you know estrogen,

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Speaker 2: both estrogen and progesterone stimulated gabba. But there's a lot

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Speaker 2: of breathing techniques you can do to bring GABA back.

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Speaker 2: Like a lot of people are into the box breathing

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Speaker 2: four seven eight breathing. These are not complicated. I love them. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: breath So those kind of breathing techniques will bring GABA back.

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Speaker 2: Oxytocin is a really interesting one because I think you

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Speaker 2: a lot of women resonate with this where we just

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Speaker 2: don't feel like we can connect to the superficiality anymore.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, that's that kind of aligns with not ye

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Speaker 1: what you know, and also it aligns with our ability

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Speaker 1: to now at this age, be able to say that's right.

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Speaker 1: More like, do I don't want to go to that

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Speaker 1: I don't. I don't need to go out tonight. I

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Speaker 1: don't need to go to that dot that's already because.

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Speaker 2: That's all going to be small talk. Small talk's exhausting

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Speaker 2: to the menopausal brain, especially as it's remodeling itself. But

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Speaker 2: I'd rather sit home and have a deep conversation with

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Speaker 2: my spouse or my friends, or hang out with myself

397
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Speaker 2: because we are searching for oxytocin in a much deeper way.

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Speaker 2: So this is why relationships are changing. This is why

399
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Speaker 2: you know, I believe grave divorce has become so popular

400
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Speaker 2: is because a lot of women are turning to their

401
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Speaker 2: spouses and saying, Okay, we need to go deeper now,

402
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Speaker 2: and some of those spouses aren't aren't able to emotionally

403
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Speaker 2: meet the menopausal woman there.

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Speaker 1: Okay, what happens in that case? What happens when we

405
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Speaker 1: as women want to go deeper and we need more

406
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Speaker 1: meaningful connection from our spouse. Are our men just not

407
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Speaker 1: you know I've heard before they're not wired that way

408
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Speaker 1: or that's the difference between a man and a woman's brain.

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Speaker 1: Is there something for men that they can do or

410
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Speaker 1: some science behind is their mind?

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Speaker 2: James James developing Yes, yeah, well the first yeah, well

412
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Speaker 2: for startings, the male physiology is not my expertise, but

413
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Speaker 2: I but from what I know, they are not. Their

414
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Speaker 2: brain does not rewire because they're meant to actually have

415
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Speaker 2: tests the same level of testosterone all the way till

416
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Speaker 2: the day they die, which is really crazy to think about,

417
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Speaker 2: Like what's the primal reason behind that? Like they just

418
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:39,679
Speaker 2: stay fertile their whole life. Now environmental factors are changing

419
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Speaker 2: that now. So so the first thing is you need

420
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Speaker 2: to get your man caught up to speed in what's

421
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Speaker 2: going on with your brain. So in the book, I

422
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Speaker 2: actually did an appendix to men where because I thought

423
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Speaker 2: a lot of women would read it, find themselves and

424
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Speaker 2: then be like, how do I explain this to my husband?

425
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Speaker 2: So I synthesized it into one ch so get educated.

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Speaker 2: And then I really call it invite the man into

427
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:11,399
Speaker 2: your menopausal experience. And this one's really important because this

428
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,760
Speaker 2: is not about bitching or nagging or yelling or screaming

429
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,120
Speaker 2: at him, which I think we all have done as

430
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Speaker 2: our brain has been remodeling. It's more using words like

431
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,120
Speaker 2: you know, you can use the remodel, like my brain

432
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Speaker 2: is remodeling. I can't remember that my brain is remodeling.

433
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Speaker 2: I can't handle that stress.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I'm loving this new right.

435
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Speaker 2: My brain is remodeling. So I need you to use

436
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,000
Speaker 2: some of your feeling words, like tell me how you're feeling.

437
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,439
Speaker 2: A lot of men have not been taught how to

438
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,960
Speaker 2: express feeling. They've been damaged by the patriarch as much

439
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,160
Speaker 2: as women have. Men are taught if you say your feelings,

440
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 2: that's weak and don't be a weak man. So there's

441
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:54,280
Speaker 2: a lot of deep conversations that need to be had

442
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:59,000
Speaker 2: with spouses so that we can start to have better conversations.

443
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:01,880
Speaker 2: But it will I'll take a little bit of retraining

444
00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:04,840
Speaker 2: of your partner, but it's going to got to come

445
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 2: through the lens of compassion and understanding from you, not

446
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:12,440
Speaker 2: from pointing your finger at them. I brought on two

447
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:17,280
Speaker 2: relationship experts onto my podcast in preparation for the release

448
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,720
Speaker 2: of this book because I know a lot of women

449
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,560
Speaker 2: are going to ask, and one of them is a male.

450
00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:25,280
Speaker 2: He Both of them work with couples, and one of

451
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:30,160
Speaker 2: them specializes in helping the man in the couple and

452
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,520
Speaker 2: Terry Real. I don't know if you've heard of him, no,

453
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,879
Speaker 2: but I'm gonna go look him up and Jillian Treki,

454
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:41,080
Speaker 2: who is also beautiful. So what I would say is

455
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:45,800
Speaker 2: this isn't a moment to feel vindicated with your spouse.

456
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:50,520
Speaker 2: It's a moment to express who you are now and

457
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:54,200
Speaker 2: how you're changing, and to tell your spouse what you need.

458
00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 2: I can tell you my husband and I met at

459
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:01,640
Speaker 2: twenty one and I'm fifty six now. And one thing

460
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,199
Speaker 2: that has been helpful for us in our marriage is

461
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,639
Speaker 2: we started to label different parts of our marriage. So

462
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:11,919
Speaker 2: before kids is marriage one point oh, with kids as

463
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,040
Speaker 2: marriage two point oh. And what we're in right now

464
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:19,560
Speaker 2: an empty nest, it's marriage three point oh. So there's

465
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:22,760
Speaker 2: a lot of discussion like in marriage three point oh,

466
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 2: I behave like this now in marriage three point oh.

467
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,840
Speaker 2: Here's what feels good to me in your reaction to

468
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,560
Speaker 2: me now. So we were able to sort of wipe

469
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 2: the slate clean as opposed to bringing thirty years of

470
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,600
Speaker 2: being together into this experience. It was almost like our

471
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,160
Speaker 2: way of a do over. So there are real positive

472
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,000
Speaker 2: ways you can talk to your spouse, but they have

473
00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:47,399
Speaker 2: to understand the process, which is why I'm hoping the

474
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:48,400
Speaker 2: appendix will help.

475
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,520
Speaker 1: Okay, my question is there are a lot of women

476
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,080
Speaker 1: in my position who had a long marriage, had children

477
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,640
Speaker 1: with a guy, a man the father of their babies,

478
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,760
Speaker 1: and then ended up getting a divorce. Now they would

479
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,919
Speaker 1: be what is known as your three point zero of

480
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,240
Speaker 1: that relationship. But they're starting all over again with a

481
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:09,720
Speaker 1: guy who's not hasn't had that Perhaps. I know in

482
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:13,000
Speaker 1: my situation, my husband had never had his own children.

483
00:27:13,119 --> 00:27:14,919
Speaker 1: He came in and became a stepdad.

484
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,640
Speaker 2: What version of.

485
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,280
Speaker 1: Our marriage would we fall into? Because I feel like

486
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 1: I'm in three brain.

487
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,040
Speaker 2: But well, I mean, I can tell you what a

488
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,000
Speaker 2: lot of my friends who are in that position are

489
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:33,359
Speaker 2: doing is starting off the relationship expressing what they need. Now,

490
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,040
Speaker 2: that's what the brain has rewired your brain. Your brain

491
00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:40,720
Speaker 2: is rewiring to speak what you need. So if you

492
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:45,119
Speaker 2: need more alone time, express it. If you need to

493
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,000
Speaker 2: sleep in separate bedrooms because you're not sleeping well, then

494
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,119
Speaker 2: express it. If you need to make sure you have

495
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 2: plenty of time with your girlfriends, express it. So a

496
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 2: lot of women going into these new relationships are finding

497
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:01,120
Speaker 2: so much peace because they have the courage to finally

498
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,760
Speaker 2: say what they want. The last thing you want to

499
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 2: do is recreate what you didn't want in the last relationship.

500
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:11,720
Speaker 2: So I think it's always about speaking your truth. And

501
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,320
Speaker 2: when you get to the other side of menopause, you

502
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,639
Speaker 2: have a truth speaking brain, so use it. If you

503
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 2: think about all these new neurons, I call them baby neurons,

504
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,399
Speaker 2: that the old grumpy neurons, the people believing neurons, go

505
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,200
Speaker 2: away and you have these new baby neurons. Now train

506
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 2: those baby neurons. And the more you speak your truth,

507
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 2: the easier and the easier it's going to become. But

508
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:37,840
Speaker 2: in any relationship, when women specifically don't speak their truth,

509
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:42,760
Speaker 2: they become resentful, and resentful starts to push it down

510
00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:46,640
Speaker 2: until one day it all blows up. One of my

511
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,920
Speaker 2: favorite conversations I had this year was with Julie Gottman,

512
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:54,200
Speaker 2: who's a marriage expert, and she explained to me that

513
00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,640
Speaker 2: women start to get depressed in relationships and resentful in

514
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,240
Speaker 2: relationships when they say yes to the things they wanted

515
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:05,840
Speaker 2: to say no to. So what I'm seeing in these

516
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 2: new marriages that that are and relationships that are popping

517
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 2: up postmenopausally is there you are dealing with a truth

518
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:18,280
Speaker 2: telling woman. Your brain is wired for that. So speak

519
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:21,240
Speaker 2: your truth and if you're with a partner that doesn't

520
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,400
Speaker 2: love that, then you're with the wrong partner.

521
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:29,120
Speaker 1: M yeah, okay, I mean loud and clear, right yeah

522
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 1: that lad? Yeah yeah okay. So you say the final stage,

523
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:37,160
Speaker 1: butterflying yourself is all about the emotional reinvention and the

524
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,479
Speaker 1: truth telling. Like you were just mentioning, what does that

525
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,880
Speaker 1: inner work look like in real life? Like how how

526
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 1: does it help women rewrite the narrative of aging from

527
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:47,240
Speaker 1: the inside out.

528
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,840
Speaker 2: So what I think a lot of women start to

529
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:54,520
Speaker 2: feel are feelings like rage. Let's talk about that for

530
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:58,480
Speaker 2: a moment. There's a lot of women who go through

531
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 2: this process and so much anger comes out. I would

532
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,760
Speaker 2: say depressions another really big one that a lot of

533
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:10,200
Speaker 2: women experience. And yes, we can put it at the

534
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:13,960
Speaker 2: neurotransmitter level, or we can start to ask ourselves questions

535
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,320
Speaker 2: of like what are you mad about? What are you

536
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:19,120
Speaker 2: angry about? Like sit with yourself and just be like,

537
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:23,280
Speaker 2: what are you really angry about? Some women might need

538
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,680
Speaker 2: to get therapy. I put a bunch of lists of

539
00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:29,600
Speaker 2: different types of ways that you therapies and styles that

540
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,480
Speaker 2: you can dip into in this process. But there has

541
00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:35,760
Speaker 2: to be a moment of self inquiry. If we look

542
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 2: at those symptoms as I just want them to go away,

543
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:41,560
Speaker 2: then you miss the moment. The moment is here to

544
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 2: help you build the best life you can possibly live

545
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 2: at the back end of your life. So if you're depressed,

546
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:52,120
Speaker 2: what is it in your life right now that's not working?

547
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:56,040
Speaker 2: Can you get rid of that? If you're anxious, maybe

548
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:59,760
Speaker 2: something going forward in your life is you're not looking

549
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:01,680
Speaker 2: for to doing that, So what can you do to

550
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:03,800
Speaker 2: get rid of it? The rage? I think a lot

551
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,320
Speaker 2: of women are rageful because the patriarch has taught us

552
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:08,440
Speaker 2: that you are not worthy if you're not a size

553
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,720
Speaker 2: too and you don't and you have a wrinkle on

554
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,320
Speaker 2: your face goodbye. Like, we have a lot of feelings

555
00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:18,080
Speaker 2: about that. So I think getting in touch with that

556
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,760
Speaker 2: is really important. I you know, you back to the

557
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 2: first question you asked me this year was writing this

558
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 2: book was so hard because I had to address all

559
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:31,680
Speaker 2: those things I just mentioned to you, Like where's that

560
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:35,480
Speaker 2: anger coming from? What have I created in my life

561
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:40,920
Speaker 2: that doesn't fit me anymore? So? Butterflying yourself is actually

562
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:45,760
Speaker 2: sitting down and realizing that your brain has changed, and

563
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:49,840
Speaker 2: this is an incredible opportunity to address some of these

564
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,960
Speaker 2: deep feelings that you have and deep behaviors that you

565
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 2: don't want to engage in anymore. Can we start to

566
00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:58,480
Speaker 2: address those and heal those.

567
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that because that will just lead you

568
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:06,120
Speaker 1: into what happens so much is that reinvention as people

569
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:13,680
Speaker 1: call it, that that's what happens at a certain age.

570
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:17,000
Speaker 1: I want to go back, though, because you said something

571
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:20,480
Speaker 1: about rage, and ironically enough, I was at a speaking

572
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:23,040
Speaker 1: event last night and I felt the rage, and I

573
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:25,280
Speaker 1: was like, what is why am I feeling this? There

574
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,920
Speaker 1: was a room full of people, but there was one

575
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 1: table off to my left that was a group of

576
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:35,680
Speaker 1: older men and we were talking about women's health, and

577
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,960
Speaker 1: they were checked out. They didn't even they didn't care,

578
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 1: they weren't listening, and I kept finding myself speaking directly

579
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:46,760
Speaker 1: to them to see how it was landing, because I

580
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:48,600
Speaker 1: was trying to figure it out. And then I just

581
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,720
Speaker 1: stopped wasting my time because I realized they don't They're

582
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:55,040
Speaker 1: just not available to I don't care. So that was

583
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 1: that made me very angry.

584
00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:00,360
Speaker 2: So this is a beautiful example because the anger not

585
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:03,640
Speaker 2: just be because of that group of men, but how

586
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 2: many groups of men in your life, haven't been paying

587
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,800
Speaker 2: attention to you as a woman. I mean, so many

588
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 2: of us can can feel that, and I think that's

589
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:17,719
Speaker 2: the rage is one where we can start. How you

590
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,720
Speaker 2: cure yourself of that is to continue to speak your truth, like,

591
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:25,760
Speaker 2: don't stay silent anymore. We have been raised in a

592
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 2: culture that doesn't like angry women, doesn't like opinionated women.

593
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:33,600
Speaker 2: We like our women to be beautiful and calm and

594
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,520
Speaker 2: sweet and don't rock the boat. So so many of

595
00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:39,120
Speaker 2: us have been holding in things we want to say

596
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:42,719
Speaker 2: to men, to the culture. And then you get in

597
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,480
Speaker 2: a talk and you get a group of men who

598
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:47,360
Speaker 2: aren't paying attention to you, and you've got a lifetime

599
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:52,000
Speaker 2: of unsaid in business going on in your body. And then,

600
00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:55,800
Speaker 2: because to me, rage is an action oriented anger, you

601
00:33:55,840 --> 00:34:00,200
Speaker 2: weren't just angry, you were like built up rage about

602
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:02,440
Speaker 2: I got to do something about this, and you know

603
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,560
Speaker 2: you're giving a speech. It's hard to do that, But

604
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,600
Speaker 2: I think I think women should become rageful. I think

605
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:11,200
Speaker 2: we have. We have reason to feel like we've been

606
00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 2: marginalized and one of the things and we've been taught

607
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,759
Speaker 2: that we're worthy only if you tell us we're beautiful

608
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,560
Speaker 2: or you tell us we're a super mom, or you

609
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,080
Speaker 2: tell us we're a badass career woman. Like what if

610
00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:27,080
Speaker 2: I'm just a kind human? Can't that be worthy enough?

611
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:31,960
Speaker 2: So the marker of success and worth in this culture

612
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:37,560
Speaker 2: is so backwards and it's so inconsistent for women compared

613
00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:39,880
Speaker 2: to two men. We have a higher we have a

614
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:42,439
Speaker 2: higher benchmark that we've got to meet.

615
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:46,600
Speaker 1: It's just tota and getting angrier as we're speaking. But

616
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:48,920
Speaker 1: what do I do with this anger? Because I don't

617
00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:51,359
Speaker 1: want to walk around full of rage. I don't want

618
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,879
Speaker 1: to walk around angry because I know that's not good

619
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,520
Speaker 1: for my health. I know that raises my cortisol levels.

620
00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:00,200
Speaker 1: I know that it's not good for me being as

621
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:01,960
Speaker 1: beautiful from the inside out as I.

622
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:03,480
Speaker 2: Want to be. Well. So the first thing is you

623
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:08,040
Speaker 2: express it, you know, don't suppress it anymore. And you

624
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:09,960
Speaker 2: could express it, you know, you get off this call,

625
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:13,480
Speaker 2: call a friend. Journal Journaling is really powerful. Just write

626
00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:17,960
Speaker 2: down everything that you're feeling and just get it off.

627
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,960
Speaker 2: That's what I want is women to just get it off,

628
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,440
Speaker 2: like speak it, get it out, because we've been pushing

629
00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:25,879
Speaker 2: it down, and when you push it down, that's the

630
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:29,839
Speaker 2: most unhealthy version of anger. That's where you get autoimmune

631
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,560
Speaker 2: disease and cancer and things like that. So we need

632
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:37,040
Speaker 2: to find creative ways to express it. I think that

633
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:39,279
Speaker 2: in the book, I have something that I love I

634
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:42,719
Speaker 2: call the Lime Tree, which is where women. It's a

635
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:44,799
Speaker 2: metaphor and you can read the whole story in the book,

636
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:47,960
Speaker 2: but it's a metaphor where women gather. I think we

637
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:50,359
Speaker 2: need to gather as women in heal now. I think

638
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,839
Speaker 2: we need to bring this into the light and talk

639
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 2: about what it's like to be a woman in a

640
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:59,120
Speaker 2: patriarchal society. I can tell you I've sat with a

641
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:02,160
Speaker 2: lot of celebrities and unfortunately, you guys even get it

642
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 2: even worse, the expectation that even your fans have on

643
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,520
Speaker 2: like how you should look and behave and be in.

644
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:14,720
Speaker 1: The minute you step outside of that, yeah, it's not anymore.

645
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:16,440
Speaker 1: You're not They're not a fan anymore.

646
00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:16,400
Speaker 3: They're not.

647
00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:20,279
Speaker 2: Like our celebrities are held to the highest level of

648
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:25,640
Speaker 2: patriarchal expectation than any other human a female celebrity in

649
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,439
Speaker 2: my opinion, and I've worked with a lot of them,

650
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,279
Speaker 2: So I think we have to express it. It's the

651
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:33,560
Speaker 2: first thing. Sometimes you have to go back and see

652
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:36,760
Speaker 2: where it came from. And then just in full transparency

653
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:40,080
Speaker 2: in my journey with this, I realized I had a

654
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:43,120
Speaker 2: lot of rage at men. And when I went back

655
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:47,120
Speaker 2: in therapy I started working with an E. M. D. R. Therapist,

656
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:50,600
Speaker 2: I realized it was actually initiated by my dad. And

657
00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:54,680
Speaker 2: my dad threatened to hit us. He you know, told

658
00:36:54,719 --> 00:36:57,280
Speaker 2: me it was too much. I was naughty all the time,

659
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,799
Speaker 2: and so I conform to what he wanted me to be.

660
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:04,200
Speaker 2: And I have some feelings about that, and so any

661
00:37:04,239 --> 00:37:07,720
Speaker 2: man that comes in and triggers that in me starts

662
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,839
Speaker 2: to build the rage. So I went to therapy. So

663
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,719
Speaker 2: therapy is always a good place. And then I think,

664
00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,319
Speaker 2: like back to the lime tree. As women, we need

665
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:19,359
Speaker 2: to gather around each other and talk about this, just

666
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,040
Speaker 2: like what you and I are doing. We've actually are

667
00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:24,400
Speaker 2: going to turn the book. We're in the process of

668
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,800
Speaker 2: taking the concepts in the book and turning them into

669
00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 2: conversation cards so that we can start to open up

670
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:36,839
Speaker 2: the conversation. Because where women are getting sick in all

671
00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:40,760
Speaker 2: of this is in the suppression of their voice.

672
00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:44,320
Speaker 1: Yes, I believe that too. I can't I need those cards.

673
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:46,160
Speaker 2: They're coming in twenty twenty six.

674
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:48,439
Speaker 1: I love that that's going to be great, and you've

675
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:52,080
Speaker 1: inspired me, like I am at the place where I

676
00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:54,520
Speaker 1: want to have those conversations with women that are in

677
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:58,160
Speaker 1: similar situations, and I want to know what they've suppressed

678
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:00,359
Speaker 1: over the years, and I want them to also able

679
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:03,239
Speaker 1: to express it in a safe group of women that

680
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:05,960
Speaker 1: you know, instead of losing their mind in front of

681
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:08,640
Speaker 1: a guy, a man, it's better, it's safer to do

682
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:10,160
Speaker 1: it in a gathering.

683
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:15,200
Speaker 2: We were primarily designed to connect with each other as

684
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:17,560
Speaker 2: we go through this, more than any other time in

685
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:21,279
Speaker 2: our life. We were primarily designed to get with other

686
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 2: women and do this as a group of women. This

687
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:28,480
Speaker 2: should not be a solo journey. So if you look

688
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:32,080
Speaker 2: at the grandmother hypothesis, what did the grandmothers do? They

689
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:35,520
Speaker 2: didn't individually go out and forge for food. They came

690
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:39,279
Speaker 2: together as a group and went and got food. They

691
00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:43,439
Speaker 2: protected the clan together. And I really believe that that's

692
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,080
Speaker 2: part of this rewirement, is how for so long we've

693
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 2: been competing with each other, how about now we come

694
00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:53,400
Speaker 2: together and heal with each other. And you know the

695
00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:56,759
Speaker 2: Okinawa women that we put them on a pedestal, do

696
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 2: you know. At the heart of what they do is

697
00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:02,640
Speaker 2: they create moaes and MOA's are where these women gather

698
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:06,360
Speaker 2: together and they share resources. So if one woman doesn't

699
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:09,040
Speaker 2: have a house, they invite that woman into her home.

700
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:11,759
Speaker 2: If another woman doesn't have food, they invite them over

701
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:15,040
Speaker 2: for dinner, and they get together and play games and connect.

702
00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:19,600
Speaker 2: And everybody in the village knows that if you want

703
00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:22,960
Speaker 2: good advice, you go to the MOEI that these group

704
00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:26,399
Speaker 2: of wise elders are there to teach you the core

705
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:29,399
Speaker 2: principles of life. That's what I want to bring back

706
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:32,719
Speaker 2: culturally for the world is how do we come together

707
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:39,359
Speaker 2: and heal each other and stand up in this real, powerful, bold, independent,

708
00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:42,680
Speaker 2: unique way that we can do this so the world

709
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:45,640
Speaker 2: knows where to find the leaders, because at this particular moment,

710
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:49,920
Speaker 2: the leaders that are showing up are pretty defective.

711
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:56,160
Speaker 1: Yes, you know, it's funny creating a community. My best

712
00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:58,319
Speaker 1: friend Adela and I have talked about that before. We

713
00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:01,600
Speaker 1: just want to move some way and have our own

714
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:05,520
Speaker 1: little town. Yes yeah, women, yes, just as girls.

715
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:07,600
Speaker 2: And when we are doing that, people are doing that.

716
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:11,719
Speaker 1: Are I've seen that I'm really want I mean that

717
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:15,839
Speaker 1: seems like, yeah, it's a big change. Probably I don't

718
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:17,239
Speaker 1: know if I can do it yet, but it's in

719
00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:18,680
Speaker 1: you're design to do it.

720
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:20,759
Speaker 2: It would be once you got your wrap, your mind

721
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:24,759
Speaker 2: wrapped around the how it's it's were meant to come

722
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:28,440
Speaker 2: together as women. We're not this is the time. This one.

723
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:30,920
Speaker 2: You hear Jane Fonda say that she wouldn't even exist

724
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 2: without her girlfriends, And I think there's so many women

725
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,640
Speaker 2: at this phase of life that say the same thing.

726
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:40,719
Speaker 2: They're like, I can't even breathe without my bestie. And

727
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:43,600
Speaker 2: and that's part of the brain rewirement is we go

728
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:49,960
Speaker 2: to other women for this. Oxytocin hit, Yes, oxytocin.

729
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:53,120
Speaker 1: This has been such an incredible conversation, doctor Mindy. I

730
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,200
Speaker 1: want to thank you so much for helping all of

731
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:59,480
Speaker 1: us to choose a new way of thinking about aging.

732
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:02,200
Speaker 1: I know, well, I have some things to think about.

733
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:02,760
Speaker 2: Excellent.

734
00:41:03,239 --> 00:41:05,560
Speaker 1: After that, I love station and I thank you for that.

735
00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:08,880
Speaker 1: But before I let you go, doctor Mendy pals, what

736
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:10,600
Speaker 1: was your last I Choose me moment?

737
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:13,360
Speaker 2: Well, okay, I'm going to tell you the last I

738
00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:16,440
Speaker 2: Choose me moment that was really really big for me.

739
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:20,239
Speaker 2: This year. I had a tough year. I was in

740
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:23,880
Speaker 2: LA when the fires hit, my whole neighborhood burned. It

741
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:27,040
Speaker 2: was just chaos. And so what I did is for

742
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 2: four months, I isolated myself and I made a decision

743
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:34,759
Speaker 2: to go and live by myself, write this book, and

744
00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 2: get to know myself. And I found that when I

745
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:41,399
Speaker 2: got myself out of the environment of my family, even

746
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:44,280
Speaker 2: out of the environment of my friends, that I started

747
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:47,880
Speaker 2: to have a relationship with me again. So I Choose

748
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 2: Me moment was huge this year. It was isolating and

749
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:54,319
Speaker 2: finally getting to know me so that I can bring

750
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 2: back a new version to all my relationships.

751
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,719
Speaker 1: Incredible, Probably one of the best top five I Choose

752
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:04,600
Speaker 1: Me moments. Age Like a Girl is out now. You

753
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:07,200
Speaker 1: can buy it wherever you buy books or listen on

754
00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:09,560
Speaker 1: audible or on your Libby app.

755
00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:12,400
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Thank you, Jenny