WEBVTT - Adult Education: Lost and Found 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.400 Wind Down with Jenna Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:08.640 Well, I think we should start this episode off with 0:00:09.000 --> 0:00:12.760 just talking about the mood that my husband's in right now. 0:00:14.360 --> 0:00:15.960 You are in the worst mood. 0:00:16.120 --> 0:00:18.240 I've also just noticed that my cup says you're an 0:00:18.280 --> 0:00:24.200 awesome mom. Keep that car. It just sums my morning up. Yeah, 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:25.760 it's been an interesting moment. 0:00:26.079 --> 0:00:26.920 You want to talk about it? 0:00:27.720 --> 0:00:30.760 Yeah, I do. I love that because I had to 0:00:30.760 --> 0:00:36.519 step into your shoes this morning and become but one 0:00:36.520 --> 0:00:38.800 of the things that you do, and you're like an 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:42.680 expert at it, is promoting the products that people give 0:00:42.760 --> 0:00:45.239 to you. So I've obviously done a deal with the 0:00:45.280 --> 0:00:48.680 company which I won't name right now, and I had 0:00:48.680 --> 0:00:53.080 to do I had to do a real and a 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:56.280 story and my whole world has just ended because I 0:00:56.280 --> 0:01:01.320 don't know how to do it. Okay, what's a morning 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:04.959 in the life of all? And it's a it's a 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:09.560 it's a product that you can take before enduring and 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:13.240 after a workout. So I've had to structure that this morning, 0:01:15.000 --> 0:01:19.399 which I feared with my workout mm hmm, clearly, because 0:01:19.440 --> 0:01:22.959 then dolphins are not flown. I've been released, which is 0:01:22.959 --> 0:01:26.959 why I'm a cage line and then I had to 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:30.119 put like a script together for it. So four hours 0:01:30.160 --> 0:01:33.560 later and it's still not complete. What's complete now? 0:01:34.040 --> 0:01:37.600 But again, can you put the reil together? Well, so 0:01:37.640 --> 0:01:41.119 it's not complete because that's another painful part of it. 0:01:42.160 --> 0:01:46.240 I'll get to that part stages, babe, please, But it 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:48.800 gave me. I know it's it's a small part of 0:01:48.840 --> 0:01:52.280 what you what you do, bab and but it gave me. 0:01:54.480 --> 0:01:56.760 They don't have respect for you, know how much respect 0:01:56.760 --> 0:01:59.960 to have you? But give me another level of respect 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:03.080 for you. How you structure these things that you do 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:05.800 because I'm not easy. There's so much what goes into it. 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:10.519 And I think partly is because I am so out 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:15.480 of that saither like you have to explain Okay, well 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:17.480 I know what I realized, but you have to explain, Okay, 0:02:17.520 --> 0:02:19.480 here's how your reel should look. How here's how your 0:02:19.480 --> 0:02:23.919 story should look. And I honestly I felt the whole model. 0:02:23.919 --> 0:02:27.320 I felt like a child would come back to school. Well, 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:30.520 len about that stuff, and I'll get it quickly. 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:34.679 I think there's a piece of this where well, first 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:36.240 of all, you say it's a small part of what 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:38.359 I do. The sad reality is It's a big part 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:40.960 of what I do. Unfortunately, that is what pays the 0:02:41.000 --> 0:02:47.280 bills the most, is promoting products and doing Instagram influencing, 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:49.200 which is something that I never thought that I would 0:02:50.040 --> 0:02:52.760 ever rely on that for income, but it is. It's 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:58.119 what ultimately pays for a lot of things more than 0:02:58.200 --> 0:03:02.200 anything else that comes in. Is just the the reality 0:03:02.240 --> 0:03:05.560 with it. I've embraced it. But I think we had 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:09.040 a point where we were going through something and you know, 0:03:09.200 --> 0:03:13.600 You're like, I'm not living my dream and this is 0:03:13.600 --> 0:03:16.000 my dream, dream, dream dream. And I remember I was 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:18.040 in the middle of doing a reel for a product 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:23.080 and I just I had this like yeah, where I 0:03:23.120 --> 0:03:25.280 was like, do you think this is my dream? 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:25.880 Like? 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:28.760 And it wasn't even me getting angry towards you. It 0:03:28.800 --> 0:03:31.200 was more just of like, this isn't fun for me either, 0:03:31.280 --> 0:03:34.200 But I do this because it a supports my kids. 0:03:34.520 --> 0:03:36.560 It gives me a you know, a chance to be 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:39.720 able to be flexible and be somewhat of a stay 0:03:39.760 --> 0:03:42.600 at home mom and like present and you know, not 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:45.440 be at the grind of being out touring all the 0:03:45.520 --> 0:03:50.960 time and being away and and I think at times, 0:03:51.240 --> 0:03:52.800 so there's like that piece of it. So it's like 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:55.360 it's not like I enjoy doing it because it's not 0:03:56.120 --> 0:03:58.760 it it takes up a lot of time, and I 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:02.240 think it's really hard because when I talked to not 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:04.800 even like my it's not my parents are just anybody 0:04:04.840 --> 0:04:07.280 that doesn't understand like that world of things. Even I 0:04:07.280 --> 0:04:09.400 guess you at the time, it's like you don't realize 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:11.680 how much time actually goes into it. It just thinks, oh, 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:14.840 you're just promoting a product because on Instagram it just 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:17.080 just looks like it took thirty to ninety seconds because 0:04:17.080 --> 0:04:19.400 that's all the film was. And it's like it's actually 0:04:19.640 --> 0:04:21.920 so much more because you want it to look good 0:04:22.000 --> 0:04:23.800 and you put the detail into it, and then it 0:04:23.800 --> 0:04:27.440 takes that it's truly becomes a job and it becomes 0:04:27.480 --> 0:04:31.719 it takes likes it took up your morning, and you 0:04:31.839 --> 0:04:33.600 realize how much work actually goes in it. 0:04:33.720 --> 0:04:36.120 Yeah, and it's not that I don't want to do it, 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:39.240 and it's not the it's just you have a process 0:04:39.240 --> 0:04:43.320 in place with it, whereas I don't, and I don't 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:46.400 I don't do it. So it was almost like relearning 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:48.720 something because I used to do a lot of Instagram 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:51.280 stuff before I was I went to England. 0:04:51.440 --> 0:04:53.760 Yeah, I remember your secret deodorant thing ad that I 0:04:53.800 --> 0:04:54.360 saw on Yeah. 0:04:54.760 --> 0:04:56.520 I used to do a lot of it, but they 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:58.800 would piece it all together for me. So it just 0:04:58.800 --> 0:05:02.400 going back to Okay, I need to I've got a lot. 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:04.360 I'm thinking about a load of other things at the moment. 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:06.599 So I was like, Okay, how do I prioritize my 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:09.400 focus on this and structure? Whereas you've now got a 0:05:09.440 --> 0:05:10.440 process in place with. 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:14.560 It, but it still takes up time, It still takes 0:05:14.600 --> 0:05:17.280 up hours, and it does the energy. 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:20.160 Because you have we both have high standards with what 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:21.960 we do, so you want to do it properly. So 0:05:21.960 --> 0:05:23.400 if you're want to do something, you may as well 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:26.080 do it to the best of your ability. So if 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:29.640 I'm like, like the hardest bit is me sitting in 0:05:29.680 --> 0:05:33.560 the swing to your sanctuary room, You're like, Okay, put 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:37.760 this on the mirror, the mirror and then just go 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:40.000 through your story and tell them Like it took me 0:05:40.080 --> 0:05:44.520 like forty five minutes just to do my story. Yeah, 0:05:44.640 --> 0:05:46.200 it's like this is not good enough. You need to 0:05:46.200 --> 0:05:48.480 step your levels up here. So I went and get 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:51.359 my iPad and I noted down key points and sat 0:05:51.400 --> 0:05:54.040 it below the below the phone so that when I'm 0:05:54.080 --> 0:05:56.560 looking at the iPad, it looks like I'm looking at 0:05:56.600 --> 0:06:00.200 the camera. So I cheated my acting days coming in now. 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:06.400 Oh boy, well we're all rooting on influencer Alan. But 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:08.080 it is nice. It's almost like, you know, when you 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:12.680 step into I remember when we were kids. This is 0:06:12.880 --> 0:06:16.359 the worst example, but I'm gonna do it anyways. Uh, 0:06:16.680 --> 0:06:18.560 the parents were always like, oh, why can't you do that? 0:06:18.600 --> 0:06:20.080 And it's like, oh, really, why can't I do a 0:06:20.160 --> 0:06:23.880 double axle on? You know, And so it was a 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:26.480 day where the parents had to put on the skates 0:06:27.040 --> 0:06:28.440 and it's like, why can't you do that? 0:06:29.320 --> 0:06:29.400 Oh? 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:29.680 Why? 0:06:29.800 --> 0:06:30.000 You know. 0:06:30.120 --> 0:06:34.680 So it's it's nice. It's kind of showing things if 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:36.760 you're not used to doing them, or even when you 0:06:36.800 --> 0:06:40.200 do do them, it's not easy. It's not no, it's 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:40.719 it's hard. 0:06:41.320 --> 0:06:43.320 It's hard if you want to do it properly, like 0:06:43.360 --> 0:06:45.479 I could have half off it and done it in 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:47.520 a noah or two hours. 0:06:48.320 --> 0:06:50.960 But yeah, that's still pointing in that, Well, how can 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:56.520 we change the attitude because when you were doing your 0:06:56.520 --> 0:06:58.320 store and by the way, I just want to be 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:01.320 I just want to be clear. And the fact that 0:07:01.440 --> 0:07:04.039 I was more like, even though you sent me the 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:07.120 brief and you're like, you're okay, I still was like, 0:07:07.480 --> 0:07:09.880 this is what you can do, but it's your thing, 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:14.440 so you do whatever you want to do, okay. And 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:17.120 so that's where you know, I at least wanted to say, 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:18.800 like I wasn't like this is how you have to 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:20.320 do it. You can do it however you want to 0:07:20.360 --> 0:07:23.840 do it. But when I did come in the sanctuary 0:07:23.880 --> 0:07:25.600 and I was trying to show you because you were like, well, 0:07:25.640 --> 0:07:28.200 what does three frames mean? And so what I'm trying 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:30.560 to like explain to you, all right, so you're paid 0:07:30.560 --> 0:07:33.800 for one story but within three frames, and then you 0:07:33.880 --> 0:07:35.080 just kind of gave me a look, and I'm like, 0:07:35.120 --> 0:07:38.520 I'm going to exit this right now because this attitude 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:41.440 is not for me or meant for me at this moment. 0:07:41.920 --> 0:07:43.120 And I love you. 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:47.880 Just the reflection of how much I hated myself at 0:07:47.920 --> 0:07:48.400 that moment. 0:07:48.440 --> 0:07:51.559 The thing, you poor thing. You're getting paid to promote 0:07:51.560 --> 0:07:52.720 a product, and. 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:56.800 It's disgusting only to slap myself in the face and be. 0:07:56.720 --> 0:08:00.960 Like you spoiled little yeah, yeah, okay, well I just 0:08:01.000 --> 0:08:05.240 did for you. But it's hard Anyways, Okay. 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:07.680 You're getting seven hundred and fifty thousand to promote this 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:10.240 one product for two was what? 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:14.360 I only get twenty grand for a vibrator? What are 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:18.360 you talking about? Which, by the way, I'm joking, are 0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:21.600 you we against? Because against? You don't hate that? Do 0:08:21.720 --> 0:08:24.600 you hate the vibrator? Ad? No, wonder it's a little 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:27.000 bit more than that. But I'm just it's hard to 0:08:27.040 --> 0:08:30.520 turn that down. I got child support and be. 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:33.280 Careful what I say here on camera. But how would 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:39.720 you like it if I was promoting what a men's 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:47.080 masturbating machine and I'm and I'm sitting like, yeah, go on, guys, 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:51.199 I can't even do the action because being appropriate, being inappropriate. 0:08:51.440 --> 0:08:55.040 Go on, guys, you deserve this. Man time is so 0:08:55.120 --> 0:08:58.880 important for your mental health. You deserve this. And get 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:01.760 the machine down there, going in twenty five mile. Now 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:08.720 it's almost like my wife can't do it properly. So 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:11.880 now I've got this machine. Go on, you deserve this. 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:18.160 I think it's different. Oh I want to believe it's different. Yeah, okay, 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:21.520 And plus there's nothing like that, is there? 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:23.959 No? I thought about the woobie. 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:25.160 Do you think so? 0:09:26.000 --> 0:09:32.040 What a machine that beats a guy off of course 0:09:32.080 --> 0:09:32.720 of Obie. 0:09:33.640 --> 0:09:37.280 It's interesting. I mean, I guess when you do flip it, 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:39.640 it's in you know, it's not. 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:42.880 Like I have to use it though the man time 0:09:43.000 --> 0:09:49.319 pro three. You deserve this, listen. 0:09:49.360 --> 0:09:50.960 I mean it's not an easy ad to do. I'll 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:54.920 say that, but I do because you block my mom 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:59.040 and dad. I block everybody. I know everybody, grandparents, are 0:09:59.080 --> 0:10:06.079 your parents, stepson, I mean everybody. It's so niece's nephews. 0:10:06.559 --> 0:10:09.000 I'm pretty secure and that I'm good. You can post 0:10:09.000 --> 0:10:09.679 what you want. 0:10:09.640 --> 0:10:11.320 I know, but I do get it, like I do 0:10:11.400 --> 0:10:14.400 see that and I'm like, but it's again, it's it's 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:19.840 very hard with yeah, with with you know, the industry 0:10:19.840 --> 0:10:21.160 that I'm in the lack of. 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:22.880 You're going to wear your classices? 0:10:23.640 --> 0:10:24.439 Am I what? 0:10:24.600 --> 0:10:26.679 You going to wear your glasses when you post about it? 0:10:28.000 --> 0:10:28.280 Why? 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:32.079 Because you like sexy your classes? Go on, ladies, you 0:10:32.240 --> 0:10:32.840 deserve this. 0:10:33.960 --> 0:10:35.840 Love your sexy librarian. 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:41.439 Love yourself and your secretary. Thank you. 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:48.800 Yeah, okay, moving on, we have Do you wanna because 0:10:48.800 --> 0:10:51.240 you deep dived on her this morning or last. 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:54.920 Night with a deep dive that my research as I 0:10:55.000 --> 0:11:00.320 normally do because I'm not as natural as this as you. 0:11:00.120 --> 0:11:02.640 Are at this, No, I need to do better at that. 0:11:03.559 --> 0:11:06.160 I like to just pack things up so quickly. Well 0:11:06.240 --> 0:11:10.079 with the Yeah, her name's Sarah Kubrick, I'm sure that's 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:14.360 how you pronounce itbridge. And she's a millennial therapist. 0:11:14.360 --> 0:11:19.439 Which we're millennials, aren't we. I think so, I think, 0:11:19.520 --> 0:11:23.600 I think I think we are. Where do you? Because 0:11:23.640 --> 0:11:28.560 her big thing is psychotherapy, she unpacks self loss, so 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:31.280 giving us new vocabulary to understand the royally talked about 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:34.320 experienced offers tools she used for years to help clients recover. 0:11:34.440 --> 0:11:39.280 Self loss becomes apparent when we do not recognize ourselves 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:42.400 in our actions, words, or relationships, when we lose sight 0:11:42.400 --> 0:11:44.800 of who we truly are and feel the pain and 0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:48.319 emptiness from performing or observing life rather than living it. 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:53.520 I'm curious you said that with that breathing Where for 0:11:53.679 --> 0:11:58.520 you have you? I mean I can probably already guess 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:02.440 which time, but you're biggest self loss time in your life? 0:12:03.360 --> 0:12:06.840 And how did you regain that self loss? 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:10.480 Yeah? My biggest self loss was the period from eighteen 0:12:10.559 --> 0:12:12.840 to twenty two. 0:12:12.960 --> 0:12:15.760 Really, do you want to talk about the moment or no? 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:21.680 One moment that impact? I don't and that's okay. 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:25.480 Yeah, I think some people will lose themselves because of 0:12:25.520 --> 0:12:28.920 one incident. Some people will lose themselves because of a 0:12:28.920 --> 0:12:34.040 combination in period. And I don't think you get it 0:12:34.080 --> 0:12:36.840 back quickly. But one of the one of the biggest 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:39.480 ways of I mean, structure helps you get things back 0:12:39.520 --> 0:12:43.800 and focus. To be honest, one of the biggest things 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:48.319 that helped me become myself a given as you me. 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:53.000 In which area because you know how they always say 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:57.400 that like a person shouldn't be like you should be okay, 0:12:57.520 --> 0:13:01.400 like you were okay on your own obviously, Yeah. 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:04.800 I had to do. Everyone has to do their own work. 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:11.320 And a period or a situation on our occurrence has 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:14.520 to sit with you until you're ready to to actually 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:18.680 deal with it and move on and become either yourself 0:13:18.720 --> 0:13:21.480 again or a better version of of who you were before. 0:13:22.360 --> 0:13:28.840 But I think having finding finding love in you and 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:31.680 and not that that's the wrong way, not that at 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:35.120 taxed all my happiness towards you, But you came in 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:38.040 and you were like the most amazing person and women 0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:44.679 and kind and ambitious and beautiful, and you had your 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:51.199 own traumas from the past, which we shared and discussed 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:55.040 and so I think there was a big part of 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:57.679 you coming in at that point where I was on 0:13:57.720 --> 0:14:00.079 the I was on the healing side of it, but 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:05.200 then you came in and I regained my confidence on 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:12.439 like love and appreciation that there's actually the right person 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:15.080 in your person is out there if you get through 0:14:15.080 --> 0:14:18.520 the tough times and you navigate through the tough times 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:23.080 and you don't let yourself lost dictate a whole life. 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:28.000 But it's tough. It's tough for people. So it will 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:34.120 be interesting to hear what hard description if she's an expert, 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:36.760 and that she's a psychotherapist, what hard description of self 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:39.840 loss is, and how people and like for the listeners 0:14:39.880 --> 0:14:42.360 as well, like there's an education piece on how do 0:14:42.480 --> 0:14:46.360 people get out of that self loss? I think so much, 0:14:46.400 --> 0:14:48.240 so much of the population is lost. 0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:54.360 Well, that was really sweet and I'll share my where 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:56.360 I believe you also came in for me. But she 0:14:56.520 --> 0:14:58.240 is here, so let's take a break and then get 0:14:58.280 --> 0:14:58.640 Sarah on. 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:13.640 Hi, Hi, hie, Sarah. 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:15.840 Nice to meet you, real nice to meet you too. 0:15:16.000 --> 0:15:18.760 So we'll just hop right in. Alan was just saying, 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:21.680 I'll let you kind of repeat what you were saying 0:15:21.680 --> 0:15:23.720 about the self lost piece of things. 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:26.600 Yeah, we were just talking about periods in your life 0:15:26.600 --> 0:15:28.600 where you feel or a period in your life where 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:31.520 you feel that you've lost yourself, whether it's one incident 0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:35.400 or it's a combination, and a period that's that's gradually 0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:37.760 got you to a point where you lose yourself. And 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:39.760 I was just saying, it would be really interesting to 0:15:39.840 --> 0:15:44.720 see and hear your description of what actually self loss 0:15:44.800 --> 0:15:46.680 is and what you do, because you're an expert in 0:15:46.680 --> 0:15:50.400 your field. So people might feel like, oh, I've lost 0:15:50.440 --> 0:15:55.280 myself when they really haven't, like what really deems someone 0:15:55.400 --> 0:15:56.320 losing themselves. 0:15:56.440 --> 0:15:58.640 Yeah, because that's an interesting thing because people will say, oh, 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:01.280 I've lost myself, right, because there's times when I've walked 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:03.920 into therapy and I'm like, I'm depressed and she goes, well, 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:07.520 let's let's go through the steps, like and then I'm like, well, no, no, no, 0:16:07.840 --> 0:16:09.440 I don't and then it said so she's like, okay, 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:13.040 so it's not that. So let's then like, so you 0:16:13.120 --> 0:16:15.960 might be feeling sad, but like let's let's like let's 0:16:16.000 --> 0:16:18.360 if they're gonna say those words, let's really attach them 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:20.600 to what you know, the truth is. So oh I 0:16:20.640 --> 0:16:21.000 love that. 0:16:21.280 --> 0:16:23.280 So much, And I actually do this with my clients 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:26.400 all the time, like I'm so angry, and then we'll 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.320 kind of discuss him, like, well, are you sure you're angry, 0:16:30.520 --> 0:16:35.080 Maybe you are hurt, maybe you are whatever it is. 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.800 And so getting them to find the word that actually 0:16:38.160 --> 0:16:41.120 defines what they're feeling is really powerful. And I think 0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:43.920 a lot of people will go, I'm feeling lost, and 0:16:44.040 --> 0:16:46.800 sometimes they say that when they don't know what to do. 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:52.760 And that's not the same thing necessarily being like confused, 0:16:52.920 --> 0:16:59.240 being uncertain, being frustrated with yourself, not temporarily being not 0:16:59.360 --> 0:17:01.400 attuned with yourself. It's not the same thing as being 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:05.760 completely lost. To me, to be fully lost is to 0:17:05.920 --> 0:17:10.280 lack alliance, an alignment, and to feel like a stranger 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:14.440 to yourself. So I had this one moment where I 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:17.760 was maybe a little drunk in a whiskey bar in 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:21.920 my twenties, and I remember looking in a mirror and 0:17:22.080 --> 0:17:26.320 genuinely just feeling like I didn't know this person. I 0:17:26.359 --> 0:17:29.560 didn't recognize her. She was a complete complete stranger to me. 0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:33.679 And although that that's an extreme version of it, I 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:37.719 do think it's just not knowing. It's not just I 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:40.240 can't get in touch with myself temporarily. But it's like 0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:42.560 I have no idea because the self I don't think 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:45.800 is found, it's created, and it means you haven't created 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:47.200 your sense of self in that moment. 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:51.520 That's interesting, I think. And I don't want to put 0:17:51.520 --> 0:17:53.159 this on you if this isn't true, Alan, but I 0:17:53.800 --> 0:17:56.480 just from observing you and then knowing me too. A 0:17:56.520 --> 0:18:01.159 lot of times where my self loss comes in is whether, well, a, 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:05.400 if I wasn't this is like you know, pre pre 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:08.480 my divorce was you know, if the relationship, if I 0:18:08.600 --> 0:18:10.960 wasn't in a good relationship, I would feel kind of 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:12.840 lost and then wondering where my life is going. But 0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:16.560 now in this relationship, I feel like my loss goes 0:18:16.600 --> 0:18:19.080 more like what am I doing with my life? Like 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:21.199 sometimes like if we're not getting a job opportunity and 0:18:21.200 --> 0:18:23.000 you know, kind of same with him, like our jobs 0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:28.880 are so not typical and they're massive. There's more disappointment 0:18:28.960 --> 0:18:31.879 than there is getting jobs, and so it's you know, 0:18:31.920 --> 0:18:35.320 we kind of well, we'll have wins sometimes, but then 0:18:35.400 --> 0:18:37.239 most of the time it's like, oh, we just lost this, 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:38.960 and it's just like and then we both go to 0:18:39.000 --> 0:18:41.320 a place of what am I doing with my life. 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:43.760 I have not you know, I'm just like this list loss, 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:46.600 like we have nothing and we're just like you know, 0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:48.600 and but it really affects us. And so it's like, 0:18:48.640 --> 0:18:51.840 how do you not let that piece of that self loss? 0:18:53.040 --> 0:18:54.760 Is that self loss? And then like how do you 0:18:54.760 --> 0:18:57.600 not let that just take over every all the goodness 0:18:57.640 --> 0:18:58.639 that is actually around? 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:02.399 Yeah, that's a great question. I think that sounds a 0:19:02.400 --> 0:19:05.679 bit like an existential crisis of like what am I 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:10.440 doing here? Like what is the freaking point? And that's 0:19:10.440 --> 0:19:12.760 not necessarily the same a self loss of like I 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:15.240 don't know who I am, but they can go hand 0:19:15.280 --> 0:19:20.040 in hand, particularly when we overidentify with a role. So 0:19:21.200 --> 0:19:24.560 I have this horrifying story that when I was dating 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:28.080 someone again in my twenties. He was this auzy surfer 0:19:28.160 --> 0:19:30.840 dude and I was very smitten and we went out 0:19:30.880 --> 0:19:33.320 a couple times and I was like, I'm living the dream. 0:19:33.560 --> 0:19:36.240 I was like visiting For a second. He's like, you know, 0:19:36.359 --> 0:19:38.760 you seem like a really nice girl, So I'm going 0:19:38.840 --> 0:19:40.280 to tell you the truth as to why this is 0:19:40.320 --> 0:19:42.679 not going to work out for us, And I was 0:19:42.800 --> 0:19:45.640 like real and comfortable. I was like, oh my god, 0:19:45.800 --> 0:19:47.760 I'm being dumped and he's going to tell me why 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:49.800 I think this is terrible. I don't want to know. 0:19:50.720 --> 0:19:53.040 And he looks at me and he goes, you're so 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:59.200 incredibly boring, and I was like, really obviously appendic because 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:01.879 I think I'm a hoot, I'm pretty funny. I was like, 0:20:01.920 --> 0:20:06.320 what are you talking about? And he goes, it's because 0:20:06.440 --> 0:20:09.400 all you talk about is akademia. He's like, I've never 0:20:09.440 --> 0:20:12.480 had a conversation with you that didn't end up being 0:20:12.560 --> 0:20:15.400 about grad school, that didn't end up being about psychology, 0:20:15.520 --> 0:20:18.000 that didn't end up being about existentialism. He's like, it 0:20:18.080 --> 0:20:21.280 is just so boring to talk to you. And although 0:20:21.280 --> 0:20:23.600 I think that was a little harsh, probably unecessary, there's 0:20:23.680 --> 0:20:27.080 other ways to communicate that. It was such a good 0:20:27.119 --> 0:20:29.959 eye opener because in that moment, I actually realized I 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:33.640 didn't know anything else to talk about, and I had 0:20:33.720 --> 0:20:36.879 no other role that I was really identifying with. So 0:20:36.960 --> 0:20:38.840 I felt like, if you took that away from me, 0:20:39.880 --> 0:20:42.480 there would be no one to see. And this was 0:20:42.560 --> 0:20:46.080 before kind of my big breakdown over self loss. And 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:48.280 so I think when it comes to career stuff, when 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:50.760 it gets really dangerous, or when it shifts from like 0:20:50.800 --> 0:20:54.280 an existential crisis to more like self loss is when 0:20:54.280 --> 0:20:57.240 we over identify with that role of being an actor, 0:20:57.320 --> 0:21:00.240 being an athlete, being a psychologist, being an account and 0:21:00.960 --> 0:21:06.000 then that isn't being sort of given back to us, 0:21:06.040 --> 0:21:08.280 and there are no opportunities, and now we feel like 0:21:08.400 --> 0:21:12.240 there's nothing else that's left. And so what's really helpfully 0:21:12.240 --> 0:21:14.560 in those moments is to realize what other roles you have, 0:21:15.400 --> 0:21:18.080 and that your identity comprises of a lot of roles, 0:21:18.080 --> 0:21:19.960 and that you can choose which ones you want to honor, 0:21:20.000 --> 0:21:21.639 which ones you want to lean into, which ones you 0:21:21.680 --> 0:21:24.359 want you know, to have meaning in. And so I 0:21:24.400 --> 0:21:27.679 think that that can really help because it is devastating 0:21:27.680 --> 0:21:31.480 and it's just subjectively shitty when when things don't work 0:21:31.480 --> 0:21:33.760 out with our career, but more so when we kind 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:35.239 of hang our identity on that. 0:21:35.760 --> 0:21:38.280 It's a really good answer. Yeah, because I've become a 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:40.720 barista because I just make myself coffees. 0:21:40.960 --> 0:21:44.280 Well, No, he's what he what he does specifically is 0:21:44.320 --> 0:21:46.080 like and and I do the same thing where I'm like, 0:21:46.080 --> 0:21:48.200