WEBVTT - Second Cup: Invite stories, not explanations

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.

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<v Speaker 1>Good Morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's tip is to invite stories, not explanations. A good

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<v Speaker 1>way to do that is to avoid asking questions that

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<v Speaker 1>start with the troublesome word why. A few weeks ago

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<v Speaker 1>on this podcast, as suggested beginning negotiations by saying, tell

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<v Speaker 1>me your perspective. This tip came from Alexander Carter's book

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<v Speaker 1>Ask for More. By inviting your conversation partner to tell

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<v Speaker 1>you their perspective, you learn about their understanding of the

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<v Speaker 1>situation and their hopes and any frustrations, so you're better

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<v Speaker 1>able to find a solution you can both agree on.

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<v Speaker 1>Avoiding why questions has some similar benefits, and for conversations

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<v Speaker 1>of all sorts, just formal negotiations. A question that begins

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<v Speaker 1>with the word why tends to bring up an answer

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<v Speaker 1>that begins with because and often continues with a defensive tone.

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<v Speaker 1>Why questions can put people on guard, and they often

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<v Speaker 1>elicit responses that are justifications rather than more helpful narratives.

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<v Speaker 1>Better to aim to invite stories and reflections instead. We'll

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<v Speaker 1>learn more that way, and we'll create a better tone

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<v Speaker 1>for moving forward together. For example, consider this question that

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<v Speaker 1>one might ask a teenager, why didn't you tell me

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<v Speaker 1>you were failing math? It is really hard to picture

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<v Speaker 1>a useful response that will come from that question. More

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<v Speaker 1>likely you'll get sputtering in an answer like you're impossible

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<v Speaker 1>to talk to, or it's not like you care anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>or I had no idea I was failing, or something

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<v Speaker 1>like that. None of these solve the problem of your

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<v Speaker 1>kids math trouble. To invite a story, you might instead say,

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<v Speaker 1>tell me more about what math has been like this semester.

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<v Speaker 1>This can encourage the child to identify what's been challenging,

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<v Speaker 1>so the two of you can come up with solutions together. Likewise,

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<v Speaker 1>instead of asking your direct report, why can't you meet

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<v Speaker 1>the deadline, which is unlikely to get a helpful answer,

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<v Speaker 1>try suggesting let's talk through your current priorities and timelines.

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<v Speaker 1>Even in positive contexts, Why questions tend to elicit formulaic

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<v Speaker 1>answers when we would prefer more meaningful responses. So instead

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<v Speaker 1>of asking a job candidate, why do you think this

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<v Speaker 1>job is right for you? You could try I'd love

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<v Speaker 1>to hear about what attracted you to this position that

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<v Speaker 1>invitation is much more likely to bring out your candidates

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<v Speaker 1>experiences and mindsets and priorities so you can get to

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<v Speaker 1>know the person better. In general, you want phrases like

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<v Speaker 1>tell me more, let's talk through this, can you say

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<v Speaker 1>more about that? And Carter's favorite, tell me your perspective.

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<v Speaker 1>I'd encourage you to find a few pocket phrases like

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<v Speaker 1>these that work for you, use them frequently, and if

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<v Speaker 1>that doesn't work, maybe turn the why question you'd usually

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<v Speaker 1>ask into a how or what question to pave the

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<v Speaker 1>way for a non defensive response. For example, why did

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<v Speaker 1>you back the car into the side of the garage

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<v Speaker 1>can become what was happening when you hit the side

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<v Speaker 1>of the garage. This brings up the useful matter of

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<v Speaker 1>cleaning up clutter or dealing with blind spots. In general,

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<v Speaker 1>when we want to understand a situation better, we want

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<v Speaker 1>to invite the other people involved to open up and

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<v Speaker 1>share their experiences and ideas without getting defensive Why questions

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<v Speaker 1>tend not to do that, so we need to find alternatives.

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<v Speaker 1>In the meantime. This is Laura, Thanks for listening, and

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<v Speaker 1>here's to making the most of our time. Hey, everybody,

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<v Speaker 1>I'd love to hear from you. You can send me

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<v Speaker 1>your tips, your questions, or anything else. Just connect with

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<v Speaker 1>me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at Before Breakfast Pod.

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<v Speaker 1>That's b E the number four, then Breakfast p o D.

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<v Speaker 1>You can also shoot me an email at Before Breakfast podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>At i heeart media dot com that Before Breakfast is

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<v Speaker 1>spelled out with all the letters. Thanks so much, I

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<v Speaker 1>look forward to staying in touch. Before Breakfast is a

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<v Speaker 1>production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from my

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<v Speaker 1>heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

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<v Speaker 1>or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.