1 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 2 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,600 Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know 3 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,919 Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's 4 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die 5 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a 6 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah, 7 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,440 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was 8 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel 9 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. 10 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,080 Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And 11 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope 12 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 13 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi, guys, 14 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 1: and welcome to a new episode of You Need Therapy Podcasts. 15 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: My name is Kat, and I am the host. Quick 16 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:09,399 Speaker 1: reminder up top to all the listeners, the new ones 17 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:13,039 Speaker 1: and the old ones that this podcast is for more 18 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 1: entertainment and educational purposes and does not serve as a 19 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:21,400 Speaker 1: replacement for therapy or substitute for actual mental health services. 20 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,119 Speaker 1: I thought today would be a nice time where we 21 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:30,679 Speaker 1: could dive deeper into compassion, but more specifically self compassion. 22 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:33,080 Speaker 1: These words are the words we hear a lot and 23 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:36,880 Speaker 1: probably even use a lot. However, I often wonder if 24 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,000 Speaker 1: we really have been able to understand the fullness of 25 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:43,120 Speaker 1: what the words even mean. So we're going to talk 26 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 1: about that today. What's interesting, at least to me is 27 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 1: that specifically self compassion is something that has been highly researched, 28 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 1: kind of like shame and vulnerability have with Brene Brown. 29 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: Self compassion has been deeply studied by doctor Kristin Neff, 30 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 1: and I I think what she has found and her 31 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: teachings are super important and can be highly highly influential 32 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 1: and helpful if we take the time to look into them. 33 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 1: They don't have as much of the excitement I guess 34 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: around them as some of the teachings that Brene Brown 35 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,919 Speaker 1: has done, and that's okay, but I just want this 36 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 1: to be just as important, because self compassion is just 37 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:23,160 Speaker 1: as important as learning about shame and vulnerability. And Kristin 38 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 1: Neff is really honestly a pioneer in the study of 39 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 1: self compassion. She's the first one to operationally define and 40 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,520 Speaker 1: measure it, and she did this twenty years ago, so 41 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,800 Speaker 1: it's time we are up with the research, you know. 42 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,440 Speaker 1: And she's actually been recognized as one of the world's 43 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 1: most influential research psychologists. And I might feel like I'm 44 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 1: introducing her to come on and talk to us, but 45 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,240 Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm just going to talk about her research 46 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,760 Speaker 1: and some of the stuff that she has and some 47 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 1: of her content. She has a website selfcompassion dot org 48 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,120 Speaker 1: that if you are interested in more, you can find 49 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,840 Speaker 1: more about her. You can find more about the courses 50 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 1: she offers, and the writings and the research that she's done. 51 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 1: But today we're going to start with the basics. She 52 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,080 Speaker 1: also has an awesome TED talk, which is how I 53 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: even found her, And after you listen to this episode, 54 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 1: that might be something that you really want to sit 55 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,880 Speaker 1: down and watch. It's only like twenty minutes and for 56 00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:16,640 Speaker 1: me is really helpful and a game changer in my 57 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,360 Speaker 1: personal life and therapy life. So today I want to 58 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 1: talk about learning how to struggle and sometimes in the 59 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 1: in between state and I can be having a hard time, 60 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:30,120 Speaker 1: I can be frustrated with something, honor that experience and 61 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 1: not write that off, but also not take it too far. 62 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 1: So what I'm going to do is I'm going to 63 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 1: start by reading Christenev's definition of self compassion straight from 64 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 1: her website, So these are her words, not mine at all. 65 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 1: Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having 66 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,360 Speaker 1: compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion 67 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 1: feels like. First, to have compassion for others, you must 68 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,640 Speaker 1: notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless 69 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 1: person on the street, you can't feel compassion for how 70 00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 1: difficult his experience is. Second involves feeling moved by others suffering, 71 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: so that your heart responds to their pain. The word 72 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,240 Speaker 1: compassion literally means to suffer with When this occurs, you 73 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,200 Speaker 1: feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering 74 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: person in some way. Having compassion also means that you 75 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:19,719 Speaker 1: offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or 76 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:23,960 Speaker 1: make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you 77 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,440 Speaker 1: feel compassion for another rather than mere pity, it means 78 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:30,479 Speaker 1: that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is a 79 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,159 Speaker 1: part of the shared human experience. There but for fortune 80 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,880 Speaker 1: go I Self. Compassion involves acting the same way towards 81 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,000 Speaker 1: yourself when you're having a difficult time, fail or notice 82 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:44,279 Speaker 1: something you don't like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring 83 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:47,359 Speaker 1: your pain with a stiff upper lip mentality, you stop 84 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:50,160 Speaker 1: to tell yourself, this is really difficult right now. How 85 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,360 Speaker 1: can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? 86 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,080 Speaker 1: Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies 87 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: or shortcomings, self compassion means you are kind and understanding 88 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,960 Speaker 1: when confronted with personal feelings. Ah okay, So I love 89 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 1: the part that says we cannot ignore our pain and 90 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,839 Speaker 1: feel compassion for it at the same time. Therefore, to 91 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,960 Speaker 1: treat ourselves like we would a good friend, we must 92 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,159 Speaker 1: acknowledge that we are hurting, which there lies a key 93 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: to a lot of our healing. To heal, we must acknowledge. 94 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,880 Speaker 1: You cannot work through something, heal something, change something that 95 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: you refuse to acknowledge and think about it this way. 96 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,719 Speaker 1: If you were to ignore pain or a friend hoping 97 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,680 Speaker 1: that it would just like go away, you wouldn't be 98 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,480 Speaker 1: being a very good friend. In most people aren't going 99 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 1: to do that to others, but we so easily do 100 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,559 Speaker 1: it to ourselves. You don't generally look at your friends 101 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 1: and say, oh, you messed up once. What a loser 102 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 1: you would say, Hey, man or woman or whoever, you 103 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: mess up once. I know that's really tough and it 104 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: doesn't change who you are. Also, oh my gosh, side note, 105 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,440 Speaker 1: I saw an Instagram post from Aaron Lane, who was 106 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 1: on the podcast to talk about her book Someone Other 107 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,360 Speaker 1: Than a Mother, and the post was a picture of 108 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: a little note that she was writing to one of 109 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:04,120 Speaker 1: her daughters, and it read win or lose. We love 110 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: watching you try. Trying is cool, And in the caption 111 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,360 Speaker 1: she wrote, when you write a note to your child 112 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: and realize it's also a note to you, and this 113 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,160 Speaker 1: is the kind of note that I want to like 114 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,880 Speaker 1: write to all my friends and family. I've honestly never 115 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 1: been a big sports girl. Growing up, I liked playing sports, 116 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:26,720 Speaker 1: but I've never really enjoyed watching sports, except if I 117 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,599 Speaker 1: knew somebody that was playing, if someone important to me 118 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 1: was playing, then I would be literally like all over 119 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,359 Speaker 1: watching whatever game it was. And it wasn't just because 120 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,400 Speaker 1: I wanted to like go watch them won or go 121 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,919 Speaker 1: watch them be perfect. It was because I wanted to 122 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,760 Speaker 1: see them. I want us to support them. I wanted 123 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,040 Speaker 1: to cheer them on. I wanted to be there for them. 124 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 1: And I've been to countless games where the people that 125 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,240 Speaker 1: I went to go watch lost and countless games or 126 00:06:51,279 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 1: the people that I went to go watch maybe had 127 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,760 Speaker 1: a bad game, and personally, this is how I was. 128 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,839 Speaker 1: I don't know if this is universal, but I didn't 129 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 1: leave that event thinking, Oh God, how embarrassed it is 130 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,280 Speaker 1: to be them, Like what a wasted my time? What 131 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 1: a loser? I was like, Oh it sucks. I know 132 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,359 Speaker 1: they're disappointed, Like nobody wants to perform poorly and nobody 133 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 1: wants to lose, but having off days is a part 134 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,120 Speaker 1: of life and it's a part of being human. And 135 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,080 Speaker 1: I remember one time. I don't know what game this was, 136 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,760 Speaker 1: but my older brother. Both of my brothers were kickers 137 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 1: for football, but my older brother specifically, I remember there 138 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 1: was some game that he played and he didn't do well. 139 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 1: And to be honest, I don't even remember like what 140 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,880 Speaker 1: happened or what it was that he didn't do, like 141 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: what point he missed or maybe he had a bad punt, 142 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,040 Speaker 1: I don't know, but I do remember him like locking 143 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: himself in his room for like days, and he didn't 144 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: want to talk to anybody, and I didn't get it 145 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 1: because I was like, Okay, you had a bad game. 146 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,440 Speaker 1: That is awful. Like I do have empathy for that, 147 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 1: because I mean, I know what it feels like to 148 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,840 Speaker 1: have bad game, but personally I still want to be 149 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 1: around you. But I think for him, a bad game 150 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 1: meant more than a bad game. There was no room 151 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 1: for self compassion there. There is no way to embrace 152 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,120 Speaker 1: being human as part of his identity as an athlete, 153 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 1: and living that way forever can be debilitating and also 154 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,760 Speaker 1: like exhausting. And I think about sports psychology. I'm not 155 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: a sports psychologist, obviously, but when you have that much 156 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: pressure on you to always be perfect, you're bound to 157 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,600 Speaker 1: mess up, and then you're less likely to feel confident 158 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 1: going out there and trying again. However, I really think 159 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 1: self compassion can help you embrace the feeling that, hey, 160 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,760 Speaker 1: I'm going to mess up and that doesn't mean that 161 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 1: I can't do well again. I also think this is 162 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,800 Speaker 1: something to highlight, especially with this example, that self compassion 163 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:40,400 Speaker 1: is not like self pity, and Kristen says that in 164 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:44,240 Speaker 1: the definition, when you feel compassion for another person rather 165 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 1: than pity, it means you realize that suffering, failure and 166 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 1: imperfection is part of the shared human experience. It's not 167 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,760 Speaker 1: about feeling bad for yourself. It's about acknowledging pain and 168 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,480 Speaker 1: hardship well knowing it isn't the wholeness of you. And 169 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: I think that is very very important to remember, because 170 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,880 Speaker 1: I think people do want to. I don't want to 171 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,800 Speaker 1: be too soft on myself, and I don't want to 172 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,079 Speaker 1: give myself too much leeway because then I won't whatever. 173 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 1: And it's like, no, I don't want to like just wallow, 174 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,600 Speaker 1: and self compassion isn't any of those things at all. 175 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,679 Speaker 1: Doctor f also breaks down self compassion to three elements, 176 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 1: which I want to share with you in order to 177 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,720 Speaker 1: get a real feel for what self compassion entails, and 178 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,560 Speaker 1: hopefully that will help you actually bring this into a 179 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: more regular practice within your life. So the first one 180 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,920 Speaker 1: is self kindness for self judgment. And I'm reading this 181 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,520 Speaker 1: also from her work, So this right here is these 182 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,839 Speaker 1: are not my words. This is what she says. Self 183 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,920 Speaker 1: compassion entail is being warm and understanding towards ourselves when 184 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,120 Speaker 1: we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our 185 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:50,600 Speaker 1: pain or flagellating ourselves with self criticism. Self compassionate people 186 00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:55,960 Speaker 1: recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, 187 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,600 Speaker 1: so they tend to be gentle with themselves when they're 188 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: confronted with painful expirit and says, rather than getting angry 189 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always 190 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: be or get exactly what they want. When this reality 191 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,560 Speaker 1: is denied or fought against, suffering increases in the form 192 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 1: of stress, frustration, and self criticism. When this reality is 193 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:21,600 Speaker 1: accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equality is experienced. 194 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,080 Speaker 1: And oh my god, I love the last part, so 195 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 1: I'm going to read part of it again. I really 196 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,520 Speaker 1: want you guys to hear people cannot always be or 197 00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:32,920 Speaker 1: get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied 198 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,400 Speaker 1: or fought against, Suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration, 199 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:41,080 Speaker 1: and self criticism. Okay, accepting the reality of life. It's hard. 200 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,120 Speaker 1: When we accept the reality of life, we don't have 201 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,719 Speaker 1: to ask questions like what's wrong with me? Because the 202 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: reality is the thing that is and quotes wrong that 203 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,840 Speaker 1: might not actually be wrong with you is the same 204 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:56,440 Speaker 1: thing that's in quotes wrong with everybody we just are humans, 205 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:00,800 Speaker 1: so therefore we have imperfection and we have shortcomings. And 206 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,160 Speaker 1: I see this a lot with dating. You go on 207 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,640 Speaker 1: a date, you think it's amazing, you can't wait to 208 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 1: see the other person again or hear from them, or 209 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 1: even if like, you don't think it's amazing, if you're 210 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 1: just like whatever and you just want to see you're like, 211 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,760 Speaker 1: I'll give them another chance. This can happen. But then 212 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,480 Speaker 1: if you do hear from them, it's not exactly what 213 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 1: you expect. But the text you receive is I think 214 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 1: we would be better as friends, and then the cycle 215 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 1: begins in your head. Or maybe it is you don't 216 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,160 Speaker 1: even get any text, and then the cycle also begins 217 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,480 Speaker 1: in your head. So when you accept the reality that 218 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: the human experience is to not get everything you want, 219 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,680 Speaker 1: you don't have to go down the rabbit hole of 220 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 1: all the things you did wrong during the day. When 221 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,400 Speaker 1: you fail to accept this, then you keep searching for 222 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 1: answers that will help you understand the reason that this 223 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 1: didn't work out. And it's exhausting because it's pain. It's 224 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: painful to like not get what you want, it's painful 225 00:11:51,679 --> 00:11:55,680 Speaker 1: to feel rejected. That's all pain, But what this does. 226 00:11:55,760 --> 00:12:00,640 Speaker 1: Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering, and it's honestly really necessary. 227 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,720 Speaker 1: By not inviting self compassion into our lives, we all 228 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 1: put ourselves through unnecessary extra pain and suffering. Period. Okay, 229 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 1: so let's move on to number two. This is the 230 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 1: second element of self compassion, and it is common humanity 231 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: versus isolation. So I'm going to read a little bit 232 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:20,679 Speaker 1: of what Christen says about this on her website. Frustration 233 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,920 Speaker 1: at not having things exactly as we want is often 234 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:28,040 Speaker 1: accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation, as 235 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,240 Speaker 1: if I were the only person suffering or making mistakes. 236 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,720 Speaker 1: All humans suffer. However, the very definition of being human 237 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: means that one is mortal, vulnerable, and imperfect. Therefore, self 238 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:44,920 Speaker 1: compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part 239 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,520 Speaker 1: of the shared human experience, something that we all go through, 240 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:52,800 Speaker 1: rather than being something that happens to me alone. Okay, 241 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,679 Speaker 1: and I know I might be being redundant, but I'm 242 00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:57,719 Speaker 1: going to read this again too, because I really want 243 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,840 Speaker 1: you to soak this part in and it's short, so 244 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:02,760 Speaker 1: he want you to hear it again. Frustration at not 245 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by 246 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:09,240 Speaker 1: an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation, as if I 247 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 1: were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer. 248 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 1: The very definition of being human means that one is mortal, vulnerable, 249 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 1: and imperfect. Therefore, self compassion involves recognizing that suffering and 250 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience, something 251 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 1: that we all go through, rather than being something that 252 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:34,480 Speaker 1: happens to me alone. The isolation this is me talking kat, 253 00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:38,760 Speaker 1: not Christen's words. The isolation in this is talking about 254 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,520 Speaker 1: how we often think we are special in our pain. 255 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 1: It's just us, something is wrong with us because we fail. 256 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,800 Speaker 1: It's very much like I get the vibes from the 257 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,840 Speaker 1: same idea of terminally uniqueness that's often talked about in 258 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,440 Speaker 1: AA communities, And if you're not familiar with the term 259 00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:59,200 Speaker 1: terminally unique, it's this false belief that your experiences with 260 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:03,120 Speaker 1: substance abuse are unlike any others. And often those struggling 261 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:07,000 Speaker 1: with addiction and people's coming to terms with their addiction 262 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,200 Speaker 1: will tend to want to think that they are somehow 263 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 1: different or unique from other addicts, and instead of recognizing 264 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:17,240 Speaker 1: like the similarities and their behaviors and identifying that they 265 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,400 Speaker 1: have a problem just like the other people that they 266 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,240 Speaker 1: are around. In those spaces, these people will focus on 267 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,160 Speaker 1: the differences and then exaggerate them in their heads, and 268 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,040 Speaker 1: it's not helpful. It actually really can push them away 269 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,080 Speaker 1: from getting help and really can push them away from 270 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,680 Speaker 1: actually just like recognizing what it is that they need 271 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,800 Speaker 1: to work on. So when we invite self compassion in, 272 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 1: we actually recognize that we're not alone in the fact 273 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 1: that we are not perfect, and my imperfection isn't worse 274 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:45,520 Speaker 1: than yours, it isn't better than yours. Without self compassion, 275 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: we can often play this like covert narcissism game where 276 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 1: I'm like the best worst, right, so the worst ever, 277 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,520 Speaker 1: so I'm the best at being bad, Like I'm the 278 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: best at failing. I'm like, my personal failings are better 279 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 1: in the sense that they're worst and other people's. And 280 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 1: I hope this makes sense because they know I'm using 281 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,200 Speaker 1: a lot of like confusing. They're not confusing words, but 282 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 1: when they put together their contradictory but you know what 283 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,600 Speaker 1: I'm trying to say. Anyway, when we do this, it's 284 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,600 Speaker 1: almost like we're like nobody can relate to how horrible 285 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,000 Speaker 1: I am and it's just me and I'm this special 286 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,640 Speaker 1: bad one and with a termally unique kind of people, 287 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,040 Speaker 1: it's that same way, but it makes them like, oh, no, 288 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: your stuff is over there and my stuff's over here. 289 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,360 Speaker 1: We're not the same at all, when really like, we 290 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,400 Speaker 1: heal through community, we heal through people. We heal through 291 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 1: realizing that we're not alone in our pain, in our flaws. 292 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 1: Imperfection is not a unique flaw in any of us. 293 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:40,600 Speaker 1: Disappointment is not a unique feeling in any of us. 294 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,200 Speaker 1: It's part of the human experience. And when we can 295 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,040 Speaker 1: bring that in, we can offer more care and kindness 296 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,040 Speaker 1: to ourselves. And that is again why this is what 297 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 1: we're talking about. This it's one of the key elements 298 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 1: of self compassion. So now we're going to move to 299 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:59,000 Speaker 1: number three, mindfulness versus over identification. And again this part 300 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,320 Speaker 1: is christa words or doctor nef. I don't know what 301 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,720 Speaker 1: she prefers. I'll ask her if I ever read her. 302 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,600 Speaker 1: But self compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to 303 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:12,680 Speaker 1: our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. 304 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:17,400 Speaker 1: This equiliberated stance stems from the process of relating personal 305 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:21,600 Speaker 1: experiences to those who are also suffering, thus putting our 306 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 1: own situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from 307 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,200 Speaker 1: the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with 308 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. 309 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:36,720 Speaker 1: Mindfulness is a non judgmental, receptive mind state in which 310 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 1: one observes thoughts and feelings as they are without trying 311 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:43,160 Speaker 1: to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain 312 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 1: and feel compassion for it at the same time. At 313 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:50,440 Speaker 1: the same time, mindfulness requires that we not over identify 314 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,080 Speaker 1: with thoughts and feelings so that we are caught up 315 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 1: and swept away by negative reactivity. So also, I said 316 00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 1: this earlier as well, But what I often see in 317 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 1: all areas the therapy room, when it literally, when it 318 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 1: comes to anything, is this continued desire to make everything 319 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:09,120 Speaker 1: in the world black and white, a constant, almost inherent 320 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 1: feeling that there's this need to divide things so perfectly 321 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: on two sides. We're all in, we're all out, we're 322 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,840 Speaker 1: all wrong, we're all right. It's go big or go 323 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 1: home on all fronts. But allowing things to be gray, 324 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:22,399 Speaker 1: allowing things to be both. It's an actual game changer. 325 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,520 Speaker 1: We can feel our pain without becoming our pain. We 326 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:29,040 Speaker 1: can feel icky, we can feel those icky emotions while 327 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:33,600 Speaker 1: acknowledging that life isn't always horrible. So mindfulness awareness allows 328 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:37,159 Speaker 1: us to notice these things, but they don't become all encompassing. 329 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:41,199 Speaker 1: They're a part of us. And I sometimes this is 330 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 1: me my personal feelings. Like I get this like nervousness 331 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:47,919 Speaker 1: when we talk about sometimes like the gray area and 332 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,440 Speaker 1: like noticing that things aren't all encompassing. I'm not over 333 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,639 Speaker 1: identifying with all the negative in my life, just like 334 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,760 Speaker 1: I'm not over identifying with all the positive my life. 335 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,720 Speaker 1: But when we talk about not over identifying with all 336 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,600 Speaker 1: the icky stuff on our life, I get this fear 337 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 1: that I'm gonna get come at with people who are 338 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:07,560 Speaker 1: saying you're sprinting toxic positivity and that's not this at all. 339 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,199 Speaker 1: And I want you guys to really hear that, Like 340 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:12,240 Speaker 1: it's okay to see silver lining. Sometimes there's a way 341 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:16,919 Speaker 1: to do it. Toxic positivity uses a butt so with that, 342 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,359 Speaker 1: it's like, oh, that happened, but just look at the 343 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:22,440 Speaker 1: bright side. When what we're talking about is using an ant, 344 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 1: we're multi dimensional. We're saying Notice what you're feeling, Notice 345 00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:28,960 Speaker 1: the parts that are hard, and also notice that that's 346 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 1: not the wholeness of you. So there's an and it's 347 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:35,080 Speaker 1: not butt. Notice it's and notice also. And my hope 348 00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:37,760 Speaker 1: in sharing all of this today is that it can 349 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,639 Speaker 1: help you identify ways in which you can be better 350 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,600 Speaker 1: at being kinder to yourself. Right, you're allowed to treat 351 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,159 Speaker 1: yourself like a good friend. And I really like how Kristen, 352 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,639 Speaker 1: our doctor neff uses that language throughout her teachings, like 353 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,320 Speaker 1: self compassion is talking to yourself like you would talk 354 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:57,320 Speaker 1: to a good friend. The longest relationship with anyone that 355 00:18:57,359 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself, 356 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,560 Speaker 1: So it only makes sense that you work on that relationship. 357 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,119 Speaker 1: It makes sense that you nurture that relationship that you 358 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,879 Speaker 1: would with any other relationship that you would want to thrive. 359 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,280 Speaker 1: So thank you guys for listening this week. As always, 360 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,240 Speaker 1: if you have any questions, you can send them to 361 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:19,120 Speaker 1: Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can 362 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 1: follow me on Instagram at cat dot defata and at 363 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,280 Speaker 1: you Need Therapy Podcast. So I hope you guys have 364 00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:27,000 Speaker 1: the day you need to have and I will be 365 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 1: back with you on Wednesday for couch talks.