1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,520 Speaker 1: Hey, it's Gemma and I have something really special to 2 00:00:04,519 --> 00:00:08,559 Speaker 1: share with you. I'm hosting my first ever virtual live 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: video podcast. Not a pre recorded episode, not a highlight reel, 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:15,720 Speaker 1: but a real time, face to face moment where we 5 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:19,680 Speaker 1: get to connect, laugh, and kind of just reflect together 6 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,200 Speaker 1: no matter where you are in the world. Plus, I'm 7 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,040 Speaker 1: hosting a VIP after party for my inner circle. I 8 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 1: will be answering your questions and getting to talk to 9 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,680 Speaker 1: you guys even more. It's happening August twelfth at seven 10 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: pm Pacific time, or August thirteenth at twelve pm. If 11 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,680 Speaker 1: you live in my hometown of Sydney, you can grab 12 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:40,040 Speaker 1: your ticket now at pave dot Live. I cannot wait 13 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: to see you there. 14 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 15 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:53,400 Speaker 2: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 16 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 2: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 17 00:00:58,120 --> 00:00:59,840 Speaker 2: mean for our psychology. 18 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 19 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,399 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 20 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here 21 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 1: back for another episode as we of course break down 22 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:21,840 Speaker 1: the Psychology of your twenties today to just jump straight 23 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,640 Speaker 1: to the chase. We are talking about perhaps one of 24 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:31,839 Speaker 1: the most defining parts of our twenties, the overwhelming uncertainty 25 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:35,400 Speaker 1: of just being in this decade. If this decade had 26 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:39,640 Speaker 1: one word to describe it, one theme to trump them all, 27 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,920 Speaker 1: it would be uncertainty. We are lost in this very 28 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:47,120 Speaker 1: weird haze of not really knowing who we are, not 29 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: really knowing what the future holds, what's going to happen 30 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 1: with our jobs, with our friends, with our finances, with 31 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 1: our love lives, and even once you think you have 32 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 1: some part of it figured out, another part of your 33 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: life suddenly crumbles and you're kind of just left feeling 34 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: as lost as you were before. So I got this 35 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,160 Speaker 1: dam from a listener the other day that I wanted 36 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,920 Speaker 1: to share, which really inspired me to talk about this 37 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,080 Speaker 1: because going back through the archives, I realized we have 38 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,840 Speaker 1: never sat down and done a full episode dedicated to 39 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,120 Speaker 1: this feeling, despite it being I would say universal. This 40 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: is what her DM said, Hi, Gemma, I'm in my 41 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,960 Speaker 1: twenties like I'm sure most of your listeners are, so 42 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 1: there must be others who relate to this feeling. My 43 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,800 Speaker 1: dilemma is that everyone tells me to just try something, 44 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 1: and that it doesn't matter what path I'm taking in 45 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 1: my twenties, as long as I'm moving forward. What really 46 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,360 Speaker 1: paralyzes me, though, is not knowing whether the path I 47 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,680 Speaker 1: choose to take will make me happy or at least 48 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: happier than any other path. When I visualize my future, 49 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: it just feels like a big, ominous gray cloud, and 50 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,240 Speaker 1: I can't help but feel like if I just knew 51 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,760 Speaker 1: one part of the story, I could decide once and 52 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,240 Speaker 1: for all what direction to take. How do I deal 53 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,400 Speaker 1: with my fear of uncertainty? It's the biggest thing holding 54 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,080 Speaker 1: me back. I just knew, like instantly upon reading this, 55 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,360 Speaker 1: how many of us, and I can include myself in 56 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,960 Speaker 1: this group, can relate to that feeling, the feeling that 57 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: our futures are not necessarily exciting but actually really scary 58 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,640 Speaker 1: and really ominous. And a lot of that fear of 59 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 1: the unknown really fuels in decision, and it fuels not 60 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 1: making decisions that are important to make at this stage 61 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 1: in our life, which of course fuels later dissatisfaction. But 62 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 1: I think when you understand why we feel such uncertainty 63 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,200 Speaker 1: to begin with, why it is human nature to turn 64 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: away from the unknown, but also how we can shift 65 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 1: our feelings about uncertainty so that it feels less scary. 66 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,920 Speaker 1: That is, when this sensation has less control of you, 67 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 1: you know you're no longer fighting a losing battle against it. 68 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:58,480 Speaker 1: Uncertainty can become perhaps your sign that you're going in 69 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: the right direction. It can be a sign of growth. 70 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,160 Speaker 1: It can be a sign that you are trying new 71 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,720 Speaker 1: things and you're expanding as a person. So you welcome it. 72 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 1: You welcome the sensation rather than running away from it. 73 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,280 Speaker 1: If that sounds kind of implausible and out of reach, 74 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: let me explain how exactly we can get to that point. 75 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,240 Speaker 1: If you want to get to that place, we're going 76 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,480 Speaker 1: to have to make uncertainty feel like an asset and 77 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:27,560 Speaker 1: we need to have a better strategy for coping with 78 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:31,360 Speaker 1: this feeling. And so that is exactly what we are 79 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,120 Speaker 1: going to talk about today. How we can celebrate rather 80 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:37,520 Speaker 1: than fear the unknown, How we can integrate this feeling 81 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 1: into our life plan, see it as a sign, but 82 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,960 Speaker 1: also some of the origins of why we feel this way, 83 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:47,040 Speaker 1: not just in our twenties, but as a species. All 84 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,000 Speaker 1: of that and more and so much psychology. So stay 85 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:57,880 Speaker 1: with us. My fear of uncertainty. I think definitely shifted 86 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 1: when I realized that uncertainty is the opposite of boredom 87 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:06,560 Speaker 1: and predictability. If I knew exactly how my life was 88 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,400 Speaker 1: going to turn out, if I knew what was around 89 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: every single corner, the name of every single friend, I 90 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:15,040 Speaker 1: would meet, my entire resume until the time I retire, Yes, 91 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,760 Speaker 1: I would feel less uncertain, But what would the point 92 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,839 Speaker 1: of being alive even be? I think the newness of life, 93 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,039 Speaker 1: the experiences, the surprises, they are really what makes this 94 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,720 Speaker 1: whole thing worthwhile. In a sense, you can't have surprises, 95 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 1: you can't have unexpected joy, you can't learn, you can't 96 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:39,279 Speaker 1: have excitement and anticipation without uncertainty. It is a core 97 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 1: ingredient in so many otherwise really amazing and pleasurable experiences. 98 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,640 Speaker 1: And That's what I'm personally learning to appreciate and focus 99 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 1: on when I do have those very natural moments of 100 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,920 Speaker 1: being paralyzed by all that I don't know yet, I'm 101 00:05:55,960 --> 00:06:00,200 Speaker 1: kind of jumping the gun here. Yes, uncertainty may have 102 00:06:00,279 --> 00:06:03,520 Speaker 1: its upsides, we definitely can think about it differently, But 103 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 1: why do we even experience it to begin with? And 104 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,719 Speaker 1: what makes it so freaking uncomfortable. That's really what we 105 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,719 Speaker 1: have to nail down first. Like I said in the beginning, 106 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: uncertainty in our twenties are basically two peas in a 107 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 1: pod for a variety of reasons. Firstly, I want you 108 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,560 Speaker 1: to give yourself some grace. You are doing everything for 109 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 1: the first time ever. Basically you are basically an adult 110 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 1: toddler or an adult child who yes, can read hopefully 111 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: and can write, and is hopefully potty trained and all 112 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 1: those things. But you are now experiencing the next level 113 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:42,240 Speaker 1: of situations, the next level of learning, experiences that are 114 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:47,040 Speaker 1: emotionally complex and not straightforward. And as you're experiencing that, 115 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: you also are without the same safety net that you 116 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 1: relied upon when you were younger. And you're without the 117 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 1: reassurance and the security of teachers and parents and a 118 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 1: school system and a side or system that hopefully isn't 119 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,800 Speaker 1: going to let you fall through the cracks. You're on 120 00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:09,640 Speaker 1: your own. An uncertainty therefore feels a lot more alarming 121 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 1: because you feel like you're the one who is going 122 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:17,400 Speaker 1: to hold the burden experience the full burden of any 123 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 1: poor decision or any poor outcome you made. It's all 124 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 1: on you at this point. Another element of this is 125 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: that because you are an adult toddler, you haven't had 126 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 1: enough life experience yet to know that things will eventually 127 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 1: work out for you, even if they don't the first time, 128 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: even if they are not working out right now, people 129 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 1: in their forties and their fifties and later, they know 130 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 1: that the breakup isn't the end of the world because 131 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:47,600 Speaker 1: they've experienced them and survived before. They know making a 132 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,360 Speaker 1: major mistake or losing a friend or losing a job 133 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: isn't the end of the world because they have evidence 134 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:59,160 Speaker 1: from previous life experience to tell them that. But you, you 135 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 1: don't have those same data points. You don't have that 136 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 1: same catalog of examples that tell you everything is going 137 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 1: to be okay. Uncertainty for you, and uncertainty for a 138 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:12,480 Speaker 1: lot of us in our twenties doesn't have a conclusion 139 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:16,080 Speaker 1: the way that it has for people who are older. Then, 140 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,119 Speaker 1: of course, just to add even more fuel to the fire, 141 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 1: there's the fact that you're kind of living between milestones, 142 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: and this decade is definitely one of perpetual transition. You 143 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 1: know you're no longer a teenager, but you know you 144 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: don't really feel like an adult. Yet you're not at 145 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 1: that financial level, you're not settled in a career, you're 146 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,120 Speaker 1: not settled in a relationship the way that you expect 147 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 1: adults to be. What are you really? It's what psychologists 148 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 1: call a liminal space, The in between and liminal emotional 149 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:53,320 Speaker 1: spaces are by nature, by definition disorientating because they don't 150 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: come with a clear script, and of course there's no 151 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,880 Speaker 1: accurate way, and there's no one who's going to be 152 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: our but to tell you like, Okay, you're doing you're 153 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:07,560 Speaker 1: doing well, you're doing fine, you are being you are successful. 154 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,200 Speaker 1: Earlier in life, this is something I talk to people 155 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:17,240 Speaker 1: about all the time. Earlier in life, your entire days, weeks, months, 156 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,840 Speaker 1: are set up in a structure that will tell you 157 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 1: if you are doing well. There are clear benchmarks for 158 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:29,680 Speaker 1: life performance, things like grades, things like passing to the 159 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: next year level, things like a whole cohort of people 160 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: in the same situation at the same time and the 161 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: same age as you, with whom you can mark your 162 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: progress against, and they're probably all in the same environment. 163 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:46,280 Speaker 1: Like at school. You don't have that anymore. You don't 164 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:50,880 Speaker 1: have that same framework to look around and think, okay, 165 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,439 Speaker 1: I'm doing okay or I'm not doing okay, and these 166 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,160 Speaker 1: are the areas I can improve, or these are the 167 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,080 Speaker 1: areas that I'm excelling. You don't have that anymore, and 168 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,199 Speaker 1: it might seem really arbitrary, but those social structures and 169 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,720 Speaker 1: those environmental structures and that context actually provides a great 170 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,760 Speaker 1: deal of and a great sense of calm and stability. 171 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: So you have during this decade almost suddenly lost a 172 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: lot of what previously allowed to just stay grounded, security, structure, direction, 173 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,920 Speaker 1: and of course, finally, what may feel like a curse 174 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,920 Speaker 1: but certainly isn't, is the fact that as a generation, 175 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,079 Speaker 1: we have more choices than ever we really do. And 176 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,439 Speaker 1: it's a beautiful thing and everyone tells us we're very privileged. 177 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,840 Speaker 1: We also know that that creates a real paradox of 178 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,520 Speaker 1: choice that can be quite stifling. You know, it is 179 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:42,480 Speaker 1: amazing that when we're in our twenties, like eighty percent 180 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,040 Speaker 1: of the doors are open to us. Definitely, there are 181 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:49,359 Speaker 1: some things that we probably can't do anymore. You know. Unfortunately, 182 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,560 Speaker 1: you're probably not going to become an Olympic gymnast if 183 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: you haven't been training since you were a trial. But 184 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,920 Speaker 1: in general, you know, you were at the start line 185 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: of pretty much everything else. All the doors are open. 186 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,719 Speaker 1: Do you know how utterly terrifying that actually is? We 187 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,520 Speaker 1: probably do it because you're experiencing it, but it certainly 188 00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:11,199 Speaker 1: does feel like with each decision you make, the more 189 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 1: doors you seem to close, with no certainty around whether 190 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,080 Speaker 1: you might actually want to go back through that door later, 191 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 1: and no certainty around what might happen next, Closing those 192 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,199 Speaker 1: doors seems a lot more scary than it does fulfilling, 193 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 1: so you do nothing. You're paralyzed by choice and the 194 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,199 Speaker 1: endless pro cons list that we know as decision paralysis. 195 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:40,960 Speaker 1: That's really the twenty something explanation for uncertainty. There's also 196 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 1: a more human explanation as to why uncertainty in any capacity, 197 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,680 Speaker 1: not just when it comes to the big ticket items 198 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,200 Speaker 1: of our twenties, is so uncomfortable for us as a species. 199 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,520 Speaker 1: To firstly, really state the obvious. Our brains they are 200 00:11:56,559 --> 00:12:00,080 Speaker 1: wired to seek out stability and clarity, because when if 201 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,840 Speaker 1: something is known and familiar, there are of course less 202 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:07,760 Speaker 1: opportunities for danger and threats. Now, the part of our 203 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 1: brain that controls this primal urge, there's true specific regions 204 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:15,320 Speaker 1: actually it's the prefrontal cortex, so right up here at 205 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,320 Speaker 1: the front, and the limbic system, which is really deep 206 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,560 Speaker 1: inside our brain. It's part of what we call the 207 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 1: old brain. A series of studies done in the early 208 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 1: two thousands basically found that when we are exposed to 209 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:32,960 Speaker 1: ambiguous things like an ambiguous image or ambiguous scenery, the 210 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:38,600 Speaker 1: limbic system, particularly the amygdala, light up. Even when these 211 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,080 Speaker 1: participants were in a laboratory setting where there is no 212 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:46,240 Speaker 1: immediate danger, your brain is always going to respond over 213 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:50,800 Speaker 1: cautiously and over zealously to something it doesn't understand, such 214 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 1: as the unknowns of the future. But that feeling is 215 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 1: also something that we can't suppress. It's automatic and for 216 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,400 Speaker 1: good reason. You know, we want that part of us 217 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,200 Speaker 1: that assesses danger to not be reliant on our judgment 218 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:08,120 Speaker 1: and to be able to act quick. And you know, 219 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 1: the reason that we have such an aversion to uncertainty 220 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,760 Speaker 1: is primarily rooted in the fact that we needed to 221 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:17,080 Speaker 1: in order to survive. When you face an unknown you know, 222 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:21,120 Speaker 1: your brain will immediately seek out as much information as 223 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,160 Speaker 1: it can, real or imagined to fill the gaps. Our 224 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,640 Speaker 1: brain is wired to do this. You might know this 225 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:31,920 Speaker 1: by another term, which is catastrophizing. Your brain is trying 226 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,520 Speaker 1: to figure out what's every possible thing that's going to 227 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,680 Speaker 1: happen here. It's going to simulate outcomes, it's going to 228 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:42,199 Speaker 1: generate predictions. The problem is it actually has no idea 229 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: what's going to happen. So it serves up all these situations, 230 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,599 Speaker 1: some of them completely impossible, some of them may be 231 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:52,720 Speaker 1: more likely. We can't always discern or tell the difference 232 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,600 Speaker 1: between what is more likely and what is less likely. 233 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,680 Speaker 1: We are just receiving information from this very old, ancient 234 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:04,559 Speaker 1: part of our brain, and we're experiencing it as it comes. 235 00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 1: We're experiencing all the fear as it comes without being 236 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: able to interrupt that and say, wait, how do I 237 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 1: why do I think this? How do I know this 238 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,480 Speaker 1: is going to happen? Oh wait, I actually don't. So 239 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 1: this brings me to a next point. A lot of 240 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 1: our anxiety and our fears don't actually emerge from necessarily 241 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:27,360 Speaker 1: something having gone wrong in actuality, but from the question 242 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,080 Speaker 1: of what if, what if this happens? What if this 243 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:33,080 Speaker 1: even worst thing happens, What if the worst thing happens. 244 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,680 Speaker 1: This is because our brain will stay in this loop 245 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:41,760 Speaker 1: of providing us with potential outcomes until it has some 246 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 1: kind of resolution or closure. It doesn't want to switch 247 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,240 Speaker 1: off the alarm system until the reason for the alarm 248 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,960 Speaker 1: has been given meaning or it's identified what the problem was. 249 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 1: And like I said in the past, that was useful. 250 00:14:55,360 --> 00:15:00,160 Speaker 1: Now it's just plain old annoying. It's annoying, and your 251 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,080 Speaker 1: uncertainty is meant to feel that way. It's meant to 252 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:06,360 Speaker 1: feel annoying and awful and frustrating, because again, it wants 253 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,160 Speaker 1: to keep you alert. It wants to grab your attention 254 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 1: like a big shiny billboard or a big red stop sign. 255 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 1: It wants you to be looking straight at it. It 256 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,120 Speaker 1: wants you to be directing it's focused on to the 257 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,920 Speaker 1: thing you don't understand and that you're unsure about, so 258 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,560 Speaker 1: that you can provide it with a sense of closure. 259 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:30,160 Speaker 1: The thing is, if you give your anxiety and your 260 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,880 Speaker 1: fear of the unknown and answer, if you give yourself 261 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,800 Speaker 1: a reason for the uncertainty, more specifically, you give it 262 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,840 Speaker 1: a purpose, it will actually go away. We are going 263 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,760 Speaker 1: to discuss that more in a second, which is bear 264 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,840 Speaker 1: with me, but it's also important as well. Before we 265 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,320 Speaker 1: move on to understand that how you experience uncertainty in 266 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,120 Speaker 1: your twenties is not the same as how everyone else 267 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 1: is going to experience this feeling, so you can't beat 268 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: yourself up if you feel like you are struggling with 269 00:15:55,720 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 1: it more than others. Psychologists in the early nineties identified 270 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:06,320 Speaker 1: what they called an intolerance for uncertainty spectrum. Basically, they 271 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,720 Speaker 1: found that where you sit in terms of your tolerance 272 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:14,480 Speaker 1: or intolerance for uncertainty will determine how much information you 273 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:18,080 Speaker 1: think you need before you make a decision. They discovered 274 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,320 Speaker 1: this spectrum almost by accident. They were actually trying to 275 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:26,960 Speaker 1: determine what personality traits caused anxiety, and in that research, 276 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,080 Speaker 1: what they kept realizing that was that a number of 277 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:34,520 Speaker 1: their participants all reported this same experience, this sense that 278 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,640 Speaker 1: they weren't necessarily scared about what was going to happen. 279 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 1: They just really wanted to know what was going to happen. 280 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 1: And these same people were the ones who would read 281 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,120 Speaker 1: ahead in books even if they were excited by the plotline. 282 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 1: They would read spoilers in the papers of movies that 283 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,880 Speaker 1: they were really eager to see even though they knew 284 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,080 Speaker 1: it was going to kind of ruin the enjoyment. They 285 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 1: would also at times make more impulsive decisions in their 286 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 1: relationships when they felt something was fading or feeling off, 287 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 1: not because they necessarily wanted the relationship to end, but 288 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 1: because to them, and it's kept coming up over and 289 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:10,960 Speaker 1: over again, a known bad outcome was better than an 290 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:17,200 Speaker 1: unknown good outcome. These same individuals were also, surprise, surprise, 291 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,600 Speaker 1: more likely to have a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. 292 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,520 Speaker 1: Most people in society and in our world will score 293 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,480 Speaker 1: in the middle of this spectrum for an intolerance for uncertainty, 294 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:35,400 Speaker 1: But people who score higher, probably like you and I, 295 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,679 Speaker 1: tend to spend a lot more time ruminating on the 296 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,359 Speaker 1: future than being in the present moment, and they just 297 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,640 Speaker 1: can't help it. Someone with a high intolerance for uncertainty, 298 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:50,320 Speaker 1: they might make lists repeatedly, They plan out conversations in 299 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,400 Speaker 1: their head. They look at food menus well before they're 300 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,160 Speaker 1: going to a restaurant, just to make sure that they 301 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,239 Speaker 1: know that there's something they're going to like and they 302 00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,840 Speaker 1: know what they're going to order. They triple check driving routes, 303 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:06,119 Speaker 1: do all these things basically to calm this sense that 304 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,040 Speaker 1: if I don't know well, then something's going to go wrong, 305 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,879 Speaker 1: this cloud ahead of me. It can only be dangerous 306 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,080 Speaker 1: if this is you your twenties unnaturally, and I'm sorry 307 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,240 Speaker 1: to say it, they are going to feel a lot 308 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,200 Speaker 1: more stressful and they're going to feel harder than someone 309 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,160 Speaker 1: who can naturally go with the flow, because you are 310 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,280 Speaker 1: constantly being bombarded with unknowns and it's not you, it's 311 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,560 Speaker 1: this decade. I promise you. I'm going to give you 312 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,680 Speaker 1: some good news and some solutions in just a second. 313 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,359 Speaker 1: But I do want to talk about what can happen 314 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 1: if we let uncertainty force us into a corner or 315 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:46,440 Speaker 1: force us into a place of an action. Because uncertainty 316 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:52,040 Speaker 1: is so uncomfortable, it can be a very powerful maladaptive motivator, 317 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,320 Speaker 1: i e. Something that motivates us to do things that 318 00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:58,679 Speaker 1: are actually against our interests. And it's really important that 319 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,120 Speaker 1: we are aware of that so that when we pause 320 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 1: and are choosing whether to act, whether or not to act, 321 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,600 Speaker 1: we can carefully examine whether this isn't our best interest 322 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,639 Speaker 1: or just because we are scared of an outcome that 323 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,359 Speaker 1: is no more or less likely than any other outcome. 324 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,080 Speaker 1: The ways this shows up in our twenties could be 325 00:19:16,119 --> 00:19:19,000 Speaker 1: a very long list, but I'm going to keep it brief, 326 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 1: and I want to scare you. I'm just going to 327 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 1: touch on two of the big consequences of letting this 328 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:29,919 Speaker 1: feeling rule your life. Firstly, you accept what you don't deserve, 329 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,760 Speaker 1: and also less than what you're capable of and less 330 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,840 Speaker 1: than what you've actually worked for. It's like what I 331 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:39,960 Speaker 1: said before, a known bad outcome over an unknown good 332 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:43,040 Speaker 1: outcome is what you prefer, and how that might look 333 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:47,040 Speaker 1: like is accepting the first grad offer because you're scared 334 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,920 Speaker 1: of not getting another even though you don't really want 335 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:53,080 Speaker 1: the job. Accepting the first person who I don't know 336 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,919 Speaker 1: starts talking to you on hinge because you're scared that 337 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,639 Speaker 1: no one else will talk to you, and you're scared 338 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,399 Speaker 1: of what it will mean to be single after a 339 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,639 Speaker 1: certain age. You choose the first apartment you see, the 340 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,880 Speaker 1: first car you try out. You go to the same 341 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,520 Speaker 1: places on the same trips over and over again, because 342 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,119 Speaker 1: an uncertain outcome, even if there is chance that it 343 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,440 Speaker 1: could be amazing, you don't want to take that risk. 344 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,560 Speaker 1: Bear in mind, I have no judgment on this, I 345 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,320 Speaker 1: have done this myself. All of that is basically anecdotal. 346 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,719 Speaker 1: All that is basically my lived experience, because I am 347 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: someone who's this in the same boat with you. The 348 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,520 Speaker 1: second consequence of a failure to embrace uncertainty in our 349 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:37,720 Speaker 1: twenties is that we actually don't act at all. We 350 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:41,600 Speaker 1: don't choose any job, we don't choose any partner, because 351 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 1: what if it's not the right one. You know, In 352 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:47,200 Speaker 1: the first scenario, we chose the first thing, and this scenario, 353 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:51,480 Speaker 1: we don't choose anything at all. It probably won't surprise 354 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 1: you that perfectionism and the fear of uncertainty are actually, 355 00:20:56,280 --> 00:21:02,040 Speaker 1: in fact sisters. They are, They're incredibly aligned. In fact, 356 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:05,600 Speaker 1: I personally think that perfectionism is basically just the fear 357 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,520 Speaker 1: of uncertainty with a different name. It's like a subgenre 358 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,760 Speaker 1: of the feeling. Perfectionism often disguises itself as ambition or 359 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:18,840 Speaker 1: high standards or great expectations for yourself, but underneath, it's 360 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,560 Speaker 1: usually just fear. It's just a fear of the unknown, 361 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: the fear of what failure might bring, the fear of 362 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,240 Speaker 1: making the wrong move. It is actually less about doing 363 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:32,680 Speaker 1: things perfectly and more about trying to eliminate the possibility 364 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,480 Speaker 1: of regret. That's what makes it a close relative of uncertainty. 365 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,880 Speaker 1: They both come from a deep discomfort with not knowing 366 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 1: how things will turn out. Think of perfectionism in this 367 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,080 Speaker 1: case as kind of like an emotional armor. If I 368 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,240 Speaker 1: just plan enough, if I delayed the decision long enough, 369 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:53,359 Speaker 1: if I do everything just right, then maybe maybe I 370 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:57,520 Speaker 1: can avoid disappointment. But what you're really doing is just 371 00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,959 Speaker 1: trying to outrun uncertainty. A twenty twenty two study actually 372 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,560 Speaker 1: looked at a group of students to determine whether the 373 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,919 Speaker 1: perfectionism meant people were less quick to act when it 374 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 1: came to making a decision. They asked these students to 375 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:14,440 Speaker 1: complete a questionnaire which would essentially rank each student based 376 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 1: on perfectionist tendencies, so the most perfectionists down to the 377 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,480 Speaker 1: least perfectionists, And then they asked those students to consider 378 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:24,119 Speaker 1: a bunch of would you rather questions? So would you 379 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,560 Speaker 1: rather I don't know this or that? Would you rather 380 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,639 Speaker 1: X or y? There was about I think fifty of 381 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,440 Speaker 1: them fifty scenarios, and they measured how long it took 382 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:36,679 Speaker 1: them to complete these entire range of scenarios. The top 383 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:41,240 Speaker 1: twenty five percent of perfectionists took the same amount of 384 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:46,399 Speaker 1: time combined to complete the exercise as the remaining seventy 385 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 1: five percent of students. They took so much longer because 386 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: they were sat there considering, wanting to make the perfect choice. 387 00:22:55,960 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 1: The thing is, opportunities don't always wait for us to 388 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:06,159 Speaker 1: make up our minds. Big decisions aren't always going to 389 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,879 Speaker 1: let you delay them. They will find the next person, 390 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,320 Speaker 1: or they will disappear. A big part of our twenties 391 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,480 Speaker 1: is being able to say yes to that thing that 392 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,040 Speaker 1: feels really scary. Yes, I'm going to try. Yes, I 393 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,639 Speaker 1: don't know what's going to happen, let me just do 394 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,720 Speaker 1: it anyways. But when you are battling the fear of 395 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,399 Speaker 1: all fears, the fear of the unknown, it's going to 396 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:32,760 Speaker 1: be a lot harder for you. Finally, I'm here to 397 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,359 Speaker 1: give you some good news. This is actually something you 398 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,960 Speaker 1: can change, and it's something that many people have proven 399 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:42,359 Speaker 1: to themselves that they are able to overcome. So I 400 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,040 Speaker 1: want to explain exactly how you can do this, including 401 00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:48,200 Speaker 1: something you could literally do in the next five minutes 402 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:52,080 Speaker 1: if you wanted to, that will allow you to better 403 00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:55,880 Speaker 1: act on your dreams, on the opportunities, on the desires 404 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,000 Speaker 1: of our twenties. So we're going to talk about all 405 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:07,119 Speaker 1: of that and so much more. Are this short break. Hey, 406 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:11,200 Speaker 1: it's Gemma and I have something really special to share. 407 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:16,679 Speaker 1: I'm hosting my first ever virtual live video podcast. Not 408 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:20,159 Speaker 1: a pre recorded episode, not a highlight reel, but a 409 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:24,800 Speaker 1: real time, face to face moment where we get to connect, laugh, reflect, 410 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,560 Speaker 1: and honestly just kind of being it together. No matter 411 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,440 Speaker 1: where you are in the world, if you've ever hit 412 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 1: play on an episode of the Psychology of Your Twenties 413 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:34,960 Speaker 1: or Mantra and thought I really wish I could just 414 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,000 Speaker 1: talk to Gena about this right now, this is your chance. 415 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:41,920 Speaker 1: We're diving into the messy, beautiful chaos of your twenties, 416 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,480 Speaker 1: your thirties, of life and beyond, and yes, you get 417 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,080 Speaker 1: to be right there with me. There's a live chat 418 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,480 Speaker 1: so we can talk in real time, and afterwards, I'm 419 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:54,440 Speaker 1: hosting a private VIP party, my inner circle, we would 420 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: call it, where I'll be answering your questions and getting 421 00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:00,840 Speaker 1: even more personal. It's happening August twe well at seven 422 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,720 Speaker 1: pm Pacific time, or August thirteenth at twelve pm if 423 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,280 Speaker 1: you're on Sydney or Australia, so mark your calendar, Tell 424 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:11,960 Speaker 1: your friends, grab your ticket now at pave dot Live. 425 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:18,719 Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you there. Okay, so we 426 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,240 Speaker 1: are back talking about uncertainty in our twenties, and luckily 427 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,520 Speaker 1: for us, we are actually not the first generation to 428 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,520 Speaker 1: feel this way, nor will we be the last. And 429 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,280 Speaker 1: that's good news because it means that there are a 430 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 1: lot of people who have come up with some really 431 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,000 Speaker 1: amazing approaches to this feeling that helped get them through 432 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 1: this period of discomfort and which will hopefully help you 433 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 1: as well. The biggest thing we can do for our 434 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,000 Speaker 1: uncertainty in our twenties, and I've been hinting at this 435 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:52,680 Speaker 1: for the entire episode, is to basically assign it a purpose, 436 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:57,919 Speaker 1: because that satisfies our deeper desire for a reason, a meeting, 437 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,000 Speaker 1: and kind of just a sense of why why is 438 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:05,560 Speaker 1: this happening? The purpose you assigned to your uncertainty, it 439 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,400 Speaker 1: could be that you see this as a learning opportunity. 440 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,120 Speaker 1: It could be that you view uncertainty as a right 441 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,800 Speaker 1: of passage. It could be that uncertainty is a sign 442 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:19,000 Speaker 1: that you're opening yourself up to new things which are scary. 443 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,720 Speaker 1: It could be a call to surrender and just to 444 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,760 Speaker 1: accept life as it is. It could be a real 445 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:28,760 Speaker 1: spiritual thing. It could be that uncertainty just makes for 446 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,240 Speaker 1: a really good story, and you value a good story 447 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,080 Speaker 1: and you can't have one with that uncertainty. Whatever it is, 448 00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:41,120 Speaker 1: whatever makes uncertainty feel meaningful to you, hone in on that. 449 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,280 Speaker 1: Anytime you feel overwhelmed by the feeling, remind yourself, Okay, 450 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:49,000 Speaker 1: but this has a purpose. This has a meaning for me. 451 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:53,240 Speaker 1: I personally think of uncertainty as a sign that I 452 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:57,280 Speaker 1: am about to really grow as a person, and, for 453 00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,120 Speaker 1: lack of a better word, I'm about to level up. 454 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 1: Every time I have ever felt scared, lost, uncertain it 455 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:08,000 Speaker 1: has always been the beginning of something just over the 456 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,600 Speaker 1: horizon that I haven't been able to see yet. Like 457 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,000 Speaker 1: it always signals to me that something really big is 458 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:17,159 Speaker 1: about to come that way. Now now that I know 459 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,280 Speaker 1: that's its purpose, I actually almost get excited when I'm 460 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,119 Speaker 1: feeling that way. I feel like I get kind of giddy. 461 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,720 Speaker 1: I'm like ready to be surprised, and I really feel 462 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,920 Speaker 1: like I'm in preparation mode for whatever is about to 463 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,919 Speaker 1: happen next. The reason this worked is because when we 464 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 1: assign a role to our uncertainty, this actually gives us 465 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,320 Speaker 1: a cognitive framework through which we can accept it, through 466 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,359 Speaker 1: which we can just let it exist and actually focus 467 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,280 Speaker 1: on what we need to focus on. We give the 468 00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:48,639 Speaker 1: annoying voice a job. It's like when a toddler. I 469 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,199 Speaker 1: don't know if you've been around kids a lot, but 470 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,160 Speaker 1: when like a toddler or a child is being really annoying, 471 00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:55,960 Speaker 1: so you tell them they have to rearrange all the pens, 472 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:57,879 Speaker 1: or they have to divide up all their dolls or 473 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,080 Speaker 1: pick up something like rise. I don't know, you give 474 00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:04,080 Speaker 1: them a job so you can get to work, Like 475 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,040 Speaker 1: you give the annoying voice somewhere someone else to talk 476 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,280 Speaker 1: to you, or something else to do. The second way 477 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,960 Speaker 1: to really confront your uncertainty is also to look for 478 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,200 Speaker 1: stories of people who didn't have it all figured out 479 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,159 Speaker 1: or who dealt with supreme uncertainty and came out the 480 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,760 Speaker 1: other side, rather than just looking for people who seem 481 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,479 Speaker 1: like a natural A to B success story. The natural 482 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,439 Speaker 1: success stories are all we seem to see these days. 483 00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:36,680 Speaker 1: So you would think that most people who you admire 484 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,240 Speaker 1: have never struggled the way that you do and that 485 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,840 Speaker 1: you have. That's false. It's hugely it's a big myth. 486 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,840 Speaker 1: When you start collecting these stories, you will find that 487 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,920 Speaker 1: almost every single person who has made something of themselves 488 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,640 Speaker 1: has an uncertainty story DOCI. For example, that's one I've 489 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:55,640 Speaker 1: recently added to my list. The Woman of the Hour. 490 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:59,480 Speaker 1: She posted a YouTube video back in twenty twenty, only 491 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 1: like five years ago, about how she got fired from 492 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: her job, and in it, she's like, tomorrow, I'm just 493 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,600 Speaker 1: gonna doorknock at a bunch of studios and just see 494 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,560 Speaker 1: if they will give me an internship. She just want 495 00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:16,800 Speaker 1: a grammy. Five years ago, she was completely unsure of 496 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:18,920 Speaker 1: where she was going to end up, and she ended 497 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,040 Speaker 1: up in the right place because she leant into it. 498 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,200 Speaker 1: The founder of Spanks, She's another one on my list. 499 00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:27,160 Speaker 1: She used to selle machines like daor to door. Now 500 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:32,680 Speaker 1: she runs a billion dollar industry. Stephen King, He's another one. 501 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:36,560 Speaker 1: His like draft for his book Carrie, which is now 502 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:40,880 Speaker 1: a cult classic, a favorite of so many. He literally 503 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,600 Speaker 1: threw that manuscript in the trash after it was rejected 504 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,920 Speaker 1: thirty times, and that book is a cultural icon. I 505 00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,440 Speaker 1: even think of my mom, like my mom is the 506 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 1: one that often comes to mind for me. You know, 507 00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:55,400 Speaker 1: she was kicked out of university because she got such 508 00:29:55,840 --> 00:30:00,960 Speaker 1: poorly bad grades they basically expelled her. And and then 509 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 1: she took a year after travel. She didn't really know 510 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,480 Speaker 1: what she wanted to do. She came back, she did 511 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:09,160 Speaker 1: something different, and she graduated with the top jop and 512 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:14,600 Speaker 1: now she's like this incredibly powerful, successful girl boss. All 513 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:18,240 Speaker 1: these people and you have something very important in common. 514 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,200 Speaker 1: In their journey to success and to wherever they ended up. 515 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 1: There were moments when they had absolutely no idea what 516 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 1: was next, and they just had to bet on themselves, 517 00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:31,200 Speaker 1: and they just had to trust that they were capable. 518 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:36,560 Speaker 1: And once you start searching for these stories, you will 519 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:41,040 Speaker 1: see them everywhere. You will see them constantly, until one 520 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,120 Speaker 1: day you'll have your own version of this story, your 521 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:47,360 Speaker 1: own version of how you overcame uncertainty, how in hindsight, 522 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,920 Speaker 1: the path was actually so clear the entire time. Another 523 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,200 Speaker 1: small thing you can do, and it's going to sound 524 00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:57,160 Speaker 1: so minuscule and silly you might be tempted to skip it. 525 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:00,800 Speaker 1: Please don't. I want you to make a playlist that 526 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:04,720 Speaker 1: you feel represents yourself and play it whenever you feel 527 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,360 Speaker 1: uncomfortable or confused as a way to really just bring 528 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:12,200 Speaker 1: yourself back and center yourself. Even if it doesn't necessarily 529 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:16,000 Speaker 1: help you feel less uncertain, it can just help you 530 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:21,520 Speaker 1: with the general feelings of discomfort and strangeness that you 531 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:23,880 Speaker 1: may be having, and just as like a fun thing 532 00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,080 Speaker 1: to do, a fun thing to do to remind yourself 533 00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:29,320 Speaker 1: of who you are, of who you want to be, 534 00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:34,240 Speaker 1: of what your core values are. All through music. These 535 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,800 Speaker 1: songs reflect how you see yourself back at you, and 536 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:42,520 Speaker 1: that is a very special, familiar, beautiful feeling. There's actually 537 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:46,000 Speaker 1: this brilliant twenty fourteen paper from a researcher in Texas 538 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 1: that talks about how music contributes to the formation of 539 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:52,960 Speaker 1: our identity and can help us trust ourselves more because 540 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:56,160 Speaker 1: it acts as a touchstone when we feel challenged. It 541 00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 1: represents all the times we have previously overcome challenge, all 542 00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:04,880 Speaker 1: the times we've previously experienced joy, and the music we 543 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:08,600 Speaker 1: choose really does reflect our values and says something about 544 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,080 Speaker 1: how we see ourselves. And so when you're kind of 545 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,600 Speaker 1: externally lost and don't really know who you are and 546 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,400 Speaker 1: can't really find your way back, music is this like 547 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:20,200 Speaker 1: beautiful anchor you know, I have a playlist like this. 548 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:23,280 Speaker 1: The playlist is called if Jemma was a playlist, and 549 00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:25,600 Speaker 1: I was listening to it literally the other day, and 550 00:32:25,640 --> 00:32:28,760 Speaker 1: it has songs from twenty sixteen all the way up 551 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:32,880 Speaker 1: to last week. And it's really a beautiful way to 552 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:36,440 Speaker 1: see how I've transformed, to be able to categorically see 553 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:38,920 Speaker 1: different chapters in my life and what was happening during them, 554 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,040 Speaker 1: like and the music brings back all those memories and 555 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 1: also just to see how far I've come. And so 556 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: it's something you can literally take five minutes to do 557 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:49,200 Speaker 1: for yourself right now. It's a fun exercise. I promise 558 00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:51,720 Speaker 1: you it will help you ground yourself during this like 559 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:57,320 Speaker 1: crazy chaotic period. On a much larger scale, the biggest 560 00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:05,160 Speaker 1: antidote for uncertainty is really this, just try something, Try anything, 561 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:09,200 Speaker 1: Choose something that interests you to get good at, and 562 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:14,680 Speaker 1: when that thing stops serving you, choose something else. We 563 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:17,880 Speaker 1: have to let go of this idea that every decision 564 00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:21,040 Speaker 1: you make in life has to naturally flow into the 565 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,480 Speaker 1: next and the next and the next, and that you 566 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 1: have to have some step by step plan that you 567 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:29,320 Speaker 1: can follow for your life. Your life is not a recipe. 568 00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:32,160 Speaker 1: You're not making a cake, you're not cooking sowder. Like 569 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:35,240 Speaker 1: it's a series of experiments that take you to different 570 00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:37,240 Speaker 1: places that you didn't even know you were going to 571 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:40,760 Speaker 1: get to. And when you give yourself permission to just try, 572 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,680 Speaker 1: you really break this cycle of needing to know, You 573 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:48,040 Speaker 1: break this cycle of needing to have all the answers, 574 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:51,400 Speaker 1: and you move as well from that rumination spiral of 575 00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:54,000 Speaker 1: am I doing the right thing? Is this the best choice? 576 00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:57,040 Speaker 1: To just knowing that if you're taking action and if 577 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,920 Speaker 1: you're doing something, you are making the right choice. Even 578 00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:04,160 Speaker 1: imperfect action, even the wrong choice, is still a better 579 00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:09,600 Speaker 1: choice than not doing anything at all. And it also 580 00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:13,719 Speaker 1: gives you data, It gives you experience, it gives you stories. 581 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:17,560 Speaker 1: A question to really ask yourself as well. If you're 582 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:21,200 Speaker 1: kind of thinking, okay, that's great, but which direction should 583 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:23,480 Speaker 1: I choose? Especially if you're someone who has a lot 584 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:28,240 Speaker 1: of hobbies and interests and passions and ambitions, the question 585 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:31,239 Speaker 1: to ask yourself is just what would make me most 586 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:35,000 Speaker 1: disappointed if I didn't do this? What would I be 587 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:40,239 Speaker 1: most regretful around not doing in twenty years time? This 588 00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:43,840 Speaker 1: mentally makes you kind of compute how much you have 589 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:47,800 Speaker 1: to lose by not acting, rather than getting you stuck 590 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,640 Speaker 1: in this spiral of how much you have to lose 591 00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:53,399 Speaker 1: by acting. It reminds me of this quote You could 592 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:57,640 Speaker 1: take a million detours to your destination and still get 593 00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:00,160 Speaker 1: there faster than someone who never got in the car. 594 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:02,640 Speaker 1: And that's the idea I really want to leave you 595 00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:08,399 Speaker 1: with today. Uncertainty in our twenties is inevitable, but it's 596 00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:12,239 Speaker 1: actually a really profound sign that you're expanding and you 597 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:16,120 Speaker 1: are growing, and you're reaching new spaces you haven't yet experienced. 598 00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:20,840 Speaker 1: That's a good thing, like congratulations. If you're feeling uncertain, 599 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:24,840 Speaker 1: that is such a beautiful sign. And I wish I 600 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:27,920 Speaker 1: could give you all the applause for just trying and 601 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,960 Speaker 1: pushing yourself into new places and spaces. I know it 602 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,919 Speaker 1: feels uncomfortable, but I promise you that this discomfort has 603 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:39,279 Speaker 1: a purpose that you cannot yet see. Lean into it, 604 00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:43,520 Speaker 1: assign it a purpose while you're waiting, and just act. 605 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:47,440 Speaker 1: Do anything, even if it's small things. I think that 606 00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:52,240 Speaker 1: that's a great solution for avoiding a worse discomfort of 607 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,080 Speaker 1: looking back at your life and realizing that you never 608 00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:58,399 Speaker 1: did anything because you were scared of the unknown, When 609 00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,560 Speaker 1: the unknown is something that we always have to exist 610 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,120 Speaker 1: side by side with and the only way to escape 611 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,400 Speaker 1: the unknown is to create a known, is to create 612 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:09,040 Speaker 1: a reality that you do really enjoy and that works 613 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:10,799 Speaker 1: for you. And the other way you can do that 614 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,560 Speaker 1: is through action. So that's a rather simple message, but 615 00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:16,960 Speaker 1: also deeply complex message. If you think about it. To 616 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,440 Speaker 1: end the episode with, I just hope that it brings 617 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:21,160 Speaker 1: you a sense of comfort that you're not the only 618 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,080 Speaker 1: one going through it, and then I totally know it's 619 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,360 Speaker 1: going to work out for you. It's totally going to 620 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:27,759 Speaker 1: work out for you. I know that I can give 621 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,480 Speaker 1: you that promise right now. So thank you so much 622 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:33,400 Speaker 1: for listening. If you have made it this far, let's 623 00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:37,160 Speaker 1: leave a little emoji in the comments below that represents 624 00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:40,759 Speaker 1: how you're feeling about your life, how uncertainty feels in 625 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:43,040 Speaker 1: your body right now, just so I know if you've 626 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:45,480 Speaker 1: made it this far. If you're one of the loyal listeners, 627 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,880 Speaker 1: make sure that you are following along or subscribed wherever 628 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:53,839 Speaker 1: you're listening on YouTube, on Spotify, Apple, whatever, one and 629 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,120 Speaker 1: give us a five star review if you feel called 630 00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:58,560 Speaker 1: to do so. It really does help the show grow 631 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:02,719 Speaker 1: and reach new audiences. New fantastic, wonderful, twenty somethings and 632 00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:05,839 Speaker 1: older also make sure you're following us on Instagram at 633 00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:08,719 Speaker 1: that Psychology podcast. If you want to be part of 634 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:12,000 Speaker 1: future episodes, if you want to DM me episode suggestions, 635 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:14,319 Speaker 1: if you have questions dilemmas, you may even be able 636 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:16,680 Speaker 1: to be featured in an episode just like this one. 637 00:37:16,719 --> 00:37:20,080 Speaker 1: So follow me over there, and until next time, stay safe, 638 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,960 Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle to yourself, especially in the face 639 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:27,399 Speaker 1: of uncertainty. We will talk very very soon.