WEBVTT - #186 This Might Offend You... 0:00:00.520 --> 0:00:02.240 So what I'm gonna say that I don't want to 0:00:02.240 --> 0:00:06.880 come across wrong is I don't think you are saved. 0:00:07.800 --> 0:00:20.880 I don't think you're a Christian. Hey, welcome back to 0:00:20.920 --> 0:00:24.680 the podcast, y'all, second week in a row, our friend, 0:00:25.560 --> 0:00:31.200 the best guest ever besides Chad and Parker and Bernie Calcot, 0:00:31.400 --> 0:00:35.519 Welcome back to the show. We answer your questions on 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:39.319 this show. If you have a question, Grangersmith podcast at 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:42.199 gmail dot com, and we answer it. And Bernie's on 0:00:42.240 --> 0:00:45.920 here because he's really great at empathizing and thinking and 0:00:46.960 --> 0:00:49.040 giving me a solid answer for things in my life. 0:00:49.120 --> 0:00:51.199 So we're gonna we're gonna do our best. Like we're 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:54.200 sitting in the cap of a truck answering questions about 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:54.680 your life. 0:00:55.120 --> 0:01:00.440 Not always right most of the time, honest, And we're 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:02.640 prepping for a live recording. 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:06.039 So what do y'all think about that doing this live, 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:11.360 live podcast taping where you asked the questions in real time. 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:14.200 We're on a stage somewhere. Maybe we travel to a 0:01:14.200 --> 0:01:17.120 few different cities and we answer your questions there. What 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:19.360 would y'all think about that? Would you show up? And 0:01:19.520 --> 0:01:20.600 what city should we go to? 0:01:20.959 --> 0:01:23.920 And would you be as honest in person as you are, 0:01:24.200 --> 0:01:27.160 because there's some very honest, vulnerable questions that come through. 0:01:27.360 --> 0:01:29.920 Yeah anonymously, Yeah, anonymously. 0:01:30.959 --> 0:01:33.360 So would you be willing to do it? 0:01:34.440 --> 0:01:37.119 It would be awesome interesting. 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:40.800 How would you respond if you asked a question and 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:43.319 Granger just looked at you as like, dumper, what are 0:01:43.360 --> 0:01:43.640 you doing? 0:01:43.720 --> 0:01:50.360 Let's move on, don't drink, quit it, stop it, okay? 0:01:50.560 --> 0:01:51.320 First question here? 0:01:51.320 --> 0:01:53.880 The subject line says goals, and it says, hey, Granger, 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:57.080 thanks for all you do. I am single and content, 0:01:57.600 --> 0:02:01.000 but obviously would like to find a relationship. I'm wondering 0:02:01.000 --> 0:02:03.080 as a single person if I find the right person. 0:02:03.600 --> 0:02:07.640 Should that be treated as a goal as in something 0:02:07.680 --> 0:02:11.440 you passively work towards daily, as in like a checklist, 0:02:11.880 --> 0:02:14.880 like talk to a girl, talk to at least three girls, 0:02:15.040 --> 0:02:18.720 ask for their number, actively spend time on dating site, 0:02:19.320 --> 0:02:23.680 research qualities that will help me be attractive, etc. Or 0:02:23.800 --> 0:02:26.880 is this just desperate in relation to leaning on God's 0:02:26.919 --> 0:02:29.120 timing and waiting for the right person to show up 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:31.920 in my life without seeking them out at all? Thanks 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:36.560 David twenty or excuse me thirty one Arkansas PS. 0:02:36.600 --> 0:02:37.799 Got a ticket to your Tulsa show? 0:02:39.400 --> 0:02:42.320 Hot ticket Why are you grinning so much as. 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:44.560 You read that question? Because I feel you. 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:50.320 I feel like you're looking at me while I'm reading. Oh, 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:54.240 and David is just I'm grinned because David is just 0:02:54.280 --> 0:03:00.600 so honest and he's so sincere, and Dave wants to 0:03:01.360 --> 0:03:02.240 David wants a girl. 0:03:02.400 --> 0:03:04.320 I think it's fair everything he's asking. 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:05.160 Yeah, he is fair. 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:08.600 He wants a girl, and he's sincere about that, and 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:11.160 he's willing to say, Unlike a lot of people, he's 0:03:11.160 --> 0:03:12.919 willing to say, what's it gonna take? 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:15.519 Yeah, I think I'm going to take it that David 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:18.000 is type a kind of like me. So I need 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:19.880 I need a list, I need a plan, I need 0:03:19.919 --> 0:03:23.680 like a we need to be actively doing this. I 0:03:23.720 --> 0:03:25.959 think my brain tends to maybe work the same way. 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:29.840 So I I think it's fair. I mean, I'm gonna 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:31.799 wait to hear what you say the advice to him. 0:03:31.880 --> 0:03:35.000 Okay, sure, I at least David, I feel you, buddy. 0:03:35.040 --> 0:03:36.960 All right, so Bernie, you could follow up. I'll just 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:39.880 kind of shoot from the hip here. You let me 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:41.800 let me ask. Let me look at two things. 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:42.040 That you ask. 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:46.840 Basically, you asked, should I treat finding a person as 0:03:47.000 --> 0:03:51.400 a goal that I work on daily like a checklist. 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:55.400 And then the second question you asked is or should 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:58.640 I just wait, lean on God's timing and wait for 0:03:58.680 --> 0:04:01.880 the right person to show up without seeking them out. 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:05.920 Those are two opposite endes of the spectrum here, and 0:04:05.920 --> 0:04:07.600 so I want to kind of point out first of all, 0:04:07.720 --> 0:04:10.160 that you're not really thinking about middle ground here. 0:04:10.640 --> 0:04:13.440 You're asking two opposite questions, and I. 0:04:13.360 --> 0:04:15.840 Think the answer in life always is in the middle 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:20.440 for everything, and you are you're kind of looking at 0:04:20.520 --> 0:04:23.680 extremes and let me look at the God thing real quick. 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:26.360 Leaning on God's timing and waiting for the right person 0:04:26.400 --> 0:04:30.440 to show up without seeking them is not biblical in 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:33.080 the sense that the Bible is always going to give 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:38.440 us humans a responsibility of something to do. So there's 0:04:38.600 --> 0:04:42.400 always through every command that through through all of God's 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:47.760 sovereignty meaning his total control, his providence meaning his understanding 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:51.400 of the future, and in our lives and everything and 0:04:51.480 --> 0:04:53.839 every hair on our head and every day that we 0:04:53.960 --> 0:04:58.560 have left on our life, there's also a sense of 0:04:58.600 --> 0:05:01.599 responsibility that we we have on top of that providence 0:05:02.160 --> 0:05:06.320 to respond, to act, to follow, to stand up, to 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:11.440 take up your mat and and follow So, so we 0:05:11.480 --> 0:05:14.719 know for a fact that sitting waiting on God and 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:16.560 not doing anything is wrong. 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:20.240 The opposite is wrong. 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:22.839 Too, saying God, I'm gonna take this into my own 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:26.680 hands and handle all of this. Okay, So where's the middle? 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:29.240 Where's the middle? How How do we as a mature 0:05:29.400 --> 0:05:35.120 Christian responsibly handle the middle ground? Where we trust, we believe, 0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:40.560 and we also act as a response to our belief. 0:05:41.120 --> 0:05:45.720 We act with our responsibility as a response of the grace. Okay, 0:05:47.120 --> 0:05:50.320 that could be applied to everything in your life, including 0:05:50.720 --> 0:05:51.839 finding a girl. 0:05:53.000 --> 0:05:54.480 So you believe that you. 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:57.279 Believe, not that there's a girl, or not that you 0:05:57.400 --> 0:05:59.640 will be married or you will have but you believe 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:05.240 that God has a purpose for your life. And there's 0:06:05.240 --> 0:06:08.080 a there's a good chance that that purpose is is 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:10.920 going to include a girl. But not it's not, it's 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:15.120 not exactly true. You just know that He has a 0:06:15.120 --> 0:06:18.200 purpose for you in some way. So you trust that first, 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:20.760 and you go, God, I'm gonna lean on you, I'm 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:22.400 gonna trust you. I'm gonna read your word, I'm gonna study, 0:06:22.400 --> 0:06:24.440 I'm gonna surround myself with wi It's counsel. I'm gonna 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:26.920 implant myself in a church. I'm gonna become a member. 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:30.960 I'm gonna become actively involved in the church. I'm gonna 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:32.520 I'm gonna be in a small group. I'm gonna be 0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:35.720 with other men. I'm gonna be learning and soaking in 0:06:36.160 --> 0:06:38.839 as they teach me, as I dive into your word. 0:06:39.160 --> 0:06:41.640 And then and then I'm gonna when I'm doing that, 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:46.640 I'm gonna also be cognizant of my desires around me. 0:06:46.800 --> 0:06:50.400 Like do I see a girl throwing this out? I 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:53.240 see a girl at the grocery store, and I see 0:06:53.279 --> 0:06:56.800 her there every Monday, and I'm really attracted to her, 0:06:57.839 --> 0:07:01.160 and I'm also really into God's world right now, then 0:07:01.320 --> 0:07:04.840 I would pay attention that God puts desires in her 0:07:04.880 --> 0:07:08.000 heart like that gives us the desires of her heart, 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:10.520 as in gives us new wants and desires. And so 0:07:10.560 --> 0:07:12.960 we paid and then we act on that. We act 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:14.920 on the girl in the grocery store, and we say, hey, 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:18.120 I see you here every Monday in the vegetable aisle. 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:22.960 I like cantalope too. I thought that was funny. I'm sorry, 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:25.320 I'm a little awkward, but I live down the street. 0:07:25.360 --> 0:07:28.880 I noticed you walk here. Maybe one day, we can 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:29.960 grab coffee or something. 0:07:30.080 --> 0:07:31.880 I mean, that's acting on. 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:34.640 God's providence because of your trust. 0:07:36.240 --> 0:07:37.600 And I'm gonna stop and let Bernie go. 0:07:38.680 --> 0:07:42.520 No, I think everything you're saying is right on. I'm 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:45.880 gonna I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I 0:07:45.960 --> 0:07:48.760 have this analogy or metaphor whatever you want to say, 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:51.080 but it may be absolutely terrible, but I'm gonna throw 0:07:51.080 --> 0:07:54.520 it out there anyway. So but I know there's people listening, 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:58.200 like to fish, right, So let's say we go out 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:02.920 to fish, and we decide to put some peanut butter 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:06.280 and jelly sandwiches on our hook. We put it out there. Okay, 0:08:07.040 --> 0:08:10.640 we're gonna catch maybe some seaweed, not much, right, but 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:13.080 then we have some live bait. Put that on there. 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:13.360 Okay. 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:16.360 I think what Granger's saying is, if you the dating 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:18.840 apps and things that you can take into your your 0:08:18.880 --> 0:08:22.760 own control to try to force, this is gonna be 0:08:22.800 --> 0:08:24.760 the peanut butter and jelly sandwich you're putting on your hook. 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:26.640 You're not gonna catch anything, and if you do catch anything, 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:29.080 it's not gonna be what you want. But if you 0:08:29.120 --> 0:08:31.880 are just trying your best to be obedient, stay in 0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:34.200 God's word and walk in the path each day he 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:37.280 has for you. He's gonnaly never say hey, put this 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:39.480 on your hook. Put it out there, and what you 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:40.800 catch is gonna be what you want. 0:08:40.960 --> 0:08:43.480 So yeah, I love David. 0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:47.280 I love your type a personality, and you're gonna have 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:49.400 to put some live bait on that hook man, because 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:52.520 you were. I bet your peanut butter sandwich that you're 0:08:52.520 --> 0:08:54.960 casting also has the crust cut off of it, like 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:56.600 perfectly in the squares. 0:08:58.240 --> 0:09:00.000 Man, And I appreciate the effort. 0:09:00.280 --> 0:09:01.959 That looks cool if it's a brand new hook you 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:04.320 got at bass pro shops and you hooked it right 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:05.880 through the middle of that peanut butter in jail, and 0:09:05.920 --> 0:09:10.080 it's probably like crunchy peanut butter, like perfectly measured out 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:13.640 and everything. The effort is amazing. It's really admirable, but 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:14.160 it ain't. 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:14.679 Gonna catch anything. 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:19.000 Yeah. I think one thing you said just about aiming 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:21.880 for the middle, that's a good word for me, for everybody. 0:09:22.720 --> 0:09:25.520 We tend to kind of see things polarized, but it's 0:09:25.559 --> 0:09:27.600 like most of the time we need to kind of 0:09:27.600 --> 0:09:28.439 think about the middle. 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:37.120 Yeah, So David, maybe aim towards the middle, Buddy, next question, guys, 0:09:37.200 --> 0:09:39.640 let me just say this. I don't know what's coming 0:09:39.679 --> 0:09:42.959 at me. We don't have notes in front of us. 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:45.800 We don't have like a list of famous quotes from 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:49.640 Abraham Lincoln or something that we're gonna throw out. You're 0:09:49.640 --> 0:09:53.760 gonna hear these questions as I hear them, subject line 0:09:53.800 --> 0:09:54.880 work life balance. 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:55.520 Hey, Grandeur. 0:09:55.640 --> 0:09:58.040 First off, like to say thank you for your example. 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:01.040 I have learned a lot from listening to your podcast 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:02.640 as well as other forms of media with you and 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:07.439 your family. Your podcast has really helped show me the 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:09.800 need for me to be daily reading my Bible in 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:13.840 order to grow my faith. Through that daily reading, it's 0:10:13.880 --> 0:10:16.800 helped me grow tremendously. My question is this, it's about 0:10:16.840 --> 0:10:20.480 work life balance. As a man of faith, I see 0:10:20.559 --> 0:10:22.839 a need for me to be present in my home 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:27.120 to nurture my family. But I know it's awesome my 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:32.000 responsibility to provide for my family. My dad owns his 0:10:32.040 --> 0:10:35.080 own business and always worked a lot to provide for us, 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:38.360 which I don't take for granted because he missed out 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:41.480 on a lot while we were growing up. My worry 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:44.040 is that if I follow in his footsteps, the same 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:46.839 will be true for me. I trust in God's plan 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:49.199 and pray for his guidance daily. But I want to 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:51.640 seek wise counsel as well. With all the things that 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:55.040 you have going on. Would you have some advice to 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.080 give on this? I look forward to hearing your answer. 0:10:57.720 --> 0:11:03.840 For privacy reasons, I prefer to stay us. A great question, anonymous, 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:08.800 very very thoughtful question. I appreciate it. 0:11:08.960 --> 0:11:11.439 Yeah, yeah, for sure. It sounds like his heart's in 0:11:11.480 --> 0:11:12.280 the right spot. 0:11:12.559 --> 0:11:12.800 You know. 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:15.400 I was at a was at a conference with Mark 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:18.959 Dever as he was speaking and people were asking questions 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:23.800 and he was answering questions recently, and somebody asked a question. 0:11:23.800 --> 0:11:27.680 I don't remember what it was about, but Mark's answer was, brother, 0:11:28.040 --> 0:11:31.080 if you're even asking that question, you're gonna be just fine. 0:11:31.320 --> 0:11:32.000 Yeah that's good. 0:11:32.240 --> 0:11:34.320 You know that's good. I said that to this guy. 0:11:34.400 --> 0:11:37.480 Yeah, brother, if you're even thinking about this, you're gonna 0:11:37.480 --> 0:11:39.760 be fine. You're gonna nurture your family, you're gonna be 0:11:39.760 --> 0:11:41.240 a great dad, and you're gonna. 0:11:41.040 --> 0:11:42.440 Provide for them. Yeah. 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:43.200 Yeah. 0:11:43.280 --> 0:11:46.160 It's the people that don't think through it that get 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:47.439 into the problem. 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:50.600 Yeah, there's no right or wrong answer. It's no secret 0:11:50.640 --> 0:11:51.320 sauce to this. 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:56.360 But yeah, I think practically, do we got time for break? 0:11:56.480 --> 0:11:57.360 Sure? Go ahead? 0:11:57.559 --> 0:12:02.320 I think practically just I think having some boundaries in 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:06.600 place ahead of time. If you're thinking about work life balance, 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:10.880 I think it's really good to be present and Grangeery 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:13.200 and I have talked about this a lot, just in 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:18.240 every moment possible, just being as present and here now 0:12:18.280 --> 0:12:21.200 as we possibly can. But what that also means is 0:12:21.240 --> 0:12:24.760 that you have set boundaries in place and provision for 0:12:24.800 --> 0:12:28.079 your family that when you are at work you can 0:12:28.120 --> 0:12:31.120 be completely present and doing the best work possible. There's 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:32.880 going to be so much value in that that you're 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:36.440 probably going to not have to work, you know, fifty 0:12:36.480 --> 0:12:39.280 sixty hours a week in order to provide for your family. 0:12:40.320 --> 0:12:42.880 I think that's something that we our culture as a 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:46.719 whole kind of like gets away from. We just think, oh, 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:49.280 I guess you got to work a lot, instead of like, well, 0:12:49.720 --> 0:12:52.880 what if we did really quality, focused work in a 0:12:52.880 --> 0:12:55.000 shorter amount of time and then we got to go 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:59.200 home and focus completely on our family. Both sides of 0:12:59.200 --> 0:13:03.640 the coin are going to just gain a lot more 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:08.240 value and nurturing and provision from that. So if you 0:13:08.320 --> 0:13:13.200 can set those boundaries in place now and then when 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:16.200 once you start to like kind of bump up against them, 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:20.240 have some accountability in somebody that knows like, hey, yeah, 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:22.200 this is this is what I put in place for 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:25.520 this reason, and maybe that means that I don't make 0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:29.640 that bonus or I don't get that one projector and 0:13:29.720 --> 0:13:32.200 that's okay. Yeah, like we have to we have to 0:13:32.320 --> 0:13:38.199 like have contentment first and then make your your boundaries 0:13:38.360 --> 0:13:39.839 around that and then try to stick to them. So 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:41.880 just some practical I don't know if it's helpful, man. 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:45.520 Yeah, the struggle what Bernie's saying, and the reason there's 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:48.440 no secret sauce to this, and it matters more of 0:13:48.480 --> 0:13:51.080 your heart position to it. The reason we're saying that 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:54.360 is because your idea of providing for your family, or 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:58.200 your idea of time home with the family is it's 0:13:58.280 --> 0:14:02.439 just not defined. It's just so subjective. For instance, if 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:05.040 you have a second grade education and you have two 0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:09.600 felonies and you've served prison time and you're raising a 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:13.760 family post all this, and you get an offer for 0:14:13.920 --> 0:14:16.600 really good money to go out on an oil rig 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.840 in the Gulf of Mexico for six months, you would 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:23.160 not at that point say, eh, I don't know, I 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:25.520 kind of like to be around my family. It's like, no, dude, 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:29.040 you're in a desperate situation. This is a great opportunity 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:31.720 for you. You need to take this opportunity to get 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:33.480 this good money, and you're gonna be gone. That's a 0:14:33.520 --> 0:14:37.120 sacrifice you have to make in your situation. And the 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:40.120 same would be on the opposite, say you're doing really 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:43.760 well and you're continuing to work too hard and take 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:47.760 too many opportunities and you're not home enough. That would 0:14:47.760 --> 0:14:50.840 be irresponsible the other way, right, And you could also 0:14:50.880 --> 0:14:53.600 be irresponsible in a way that you're just home too 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:58.560 much and things are not getting paid for. So it's 0:14:58.600 --> 0:15:02.440 just very nuanced. It's just not a right or wrong answer. 0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:05.080 The heart is the most important. You want to be 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:07.520 present at work. You want to be president at home. 0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:11.520 You want to make sure that you're raising a household 0:15:11.520 --> 0:15:14.320 that understands that Dad has to work, because you don't 0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:18.040 want to raise a house that thinks Dad's most important 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:20.520 priority is to not work and to be with me 0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:22.920 and catch the football when I need to throw the football. 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:27.320 It's bad too, right, Just be careful you're thinking through this. 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:28.400 I love your question. 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:30.000 Yeah, you're going to be all right. 0:15:30.080 --> 0:15:36.560 Yeah's hit another long fought battles to subject line and 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:39.320 it says I've been married for twelve years. My wife 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:42.920 came with two kids from a previous marriage. They are 0:15:42.920 --> 0:15:46.320 now seventeen and nineteen. We have two younger kids together, 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:49.440 three and eight. She has struggled with mental health issues 0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:53.320 for the past six years. It has caused our kids 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:56.800 to check out of their relationship and will certainly cause 0:15:56.840 --> 0:16:00.320 our younger kids to eventually do the same. Have sought 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:03.560 godly counsel lower case G and we are now on 0:16:03.600 --> 0:16:09.479 our fourth counselor. The counselors are all professionals. Most importantly, 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:13.640 they are there to help here and helped turn around 0:16:13.680 --> 0:16:19.440 our marriage. She has gone as an individual and then 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:21.720 we would get together and tie things back together, so 0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:25.880 to speak. Unfortunately, she's not made much of any progress. 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:29.440 She has ruined all of her relationships with her friends 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:32.040 as well. This has been sad for me as a 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:34.240 bystander to watch all this occur. It puts me in 0:16:34.240 --> 0:16:37.280 a negative vibe in our household. I prayed for her 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:40.320 in everything that I can, but at the end of 0:16:40.320 --> 0:16:42.160 the day, I cannot bridge the gap and make up 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:45.840 for what she lacks in our relationship or for our kids. 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:50.960 What are your thoughts? Thanks for reading? Okay, so no. 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:53.880 Real question other than what are your thoughts? 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:59.600 Yeah, just kind of respond to the situation here, married 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:02.960 twelve years, two kids from the previous marriage that are 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:07.120 in the upper teens, and then younger kids. Two younger 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:10.760 kids together. So the problem is looking like with the 0:17:10.800 --> 0:17:13.399 older kids, it's really the question two older kids have 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:17.480 checked out and to two younger kids might do the same. 0:17:18.760 --> 0:17:21.520 You're doing a lot if you're putting the work in 0:17:21.840 --> 0:17:26.280 with these counselor things. You're on the fourth one, and 0:17:27.080 --> 0:17:29.440 first thing I want to say to you, besides thanks 0:17:29.480 --> 0:17:31.480 for your vulnerability, is the first thing I want to 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:32.800 say is I get it. 0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:35.840 These older kids have checked out. I get it. 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:42.439 Mom's got mental health. She remarried and had two more kids. 0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:48.240 And I say this with the most respect to you. 0:17:49.640 --> 0:17:54.280 Mom had two replacement kids. You know, Mom replaced us 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:58.919 with two kids with the new guy. All respect to you. 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:01.040 When I say that, I'm just kind of speaking from 0:18:01.040 --> 0:18:03.760 a seventeen year old mind what that could look like. 0:18:05.280 --> 0:18:09.879 Mom's a little crazy, She's in counseling all the time. Listen, 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:13.240 this needs to be said too. When you're seventeen and nineteen, 0:18:13.280 --> 0:18:16.560 you're kind of checked out anyway. Let's not forget that 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:19.040 part of it. You could be a seventeen year old 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:24.600 checked out of a great home. So what I think 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:26.200 we should ask a question for him? 0:18:26.359 --> 0:18:29.720 What do you do? He didn't say that. What do 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:30.040 you do? 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:31.080 Yeah? 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:35.200 If you're this guy in this situation, you're the stepdad 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:38.119 of two upper teens that have checked out, your wife's 0:18:38.119 --> 0:18:41.679 having mental problems, You've gone through counselors, you've seen all 0:18:41.680 --> 0:18:44.639 of her friends disappear, and you got two younger kids, 0:18:45.000 --> 0:18:47.480 very vulnerable, ages three and eight. 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:48.800 What do you do? 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:54.320 Yeah, So a couple things jump out. First thing is 0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:57.840 just a ton of like empathy and heartbreak. Man, I 0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:00.240 hate that you're in this. I hate this for the 0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:03.240 the mom, I hate it for the kids. Man, this 0:19:03.400 --> 0:19:06.280 is just part of our broken world and having to, 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:12.280 you know, walk through these kind of really difficult, hard situations. 0:19:12.320 --> 0:19:15.080 And so, man, I think grizz and I both kind 0:19:15.119 --> 0:19:17.720 of heart breaks for you just having to sit in 0:19:17.720 --> 0:19:22.600 this and recognize, just as humans in this world, what 0:19:23.400 --> 0:19:25.320 we all have to endure, how nuanced it can be. 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:30.080 But also you know how similar we are. The second 0:19:30.119 --> 0:19:32.360 thing that jumped out was these older kids have been 0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:38.840 through divorce, and being someone that went through divorce, I 0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:47.240 don't know if we recognize the trauma that that can cause. 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:49.960 I don't know how early in childhood that happened, and 0:19:50.240 --> 0:19:52.040 I mean I guess it's at least eight years ago 0:19:52.080 --> 0:19:55.080 if they have a three to eight year old, right, so, 0:19:55.560 --> 0:20:00.200 which is a very you know, formative time for those kids. 0:20:00.200 --> 0:20:04.359 Some math, they've been married for twelve the kids are seventeen, nineteen, 0:20:04.400 --> 0:20:07.760 three and eight, so so yeah, that they got divorced 0:20:07.800 --> 0:20:10.399 when the kids were five and seven. 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:16.800 Yeah, so I don't just speaking quickly before we you know, 0:20:16.880 --> 0:20:23.399 get to you like, those those older kids probably need 0:20:23.760 --> 0:20:26.159 a lot of love and a lot of attention and 0:20:26.240 --> 0:20:31.720 a lot of grace if they've checked out, like Granger said, yeah, 0:20:31.800 --> 0:20:34.040 I mean most of them do at that age. But 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:39.440 continuing to walk alongside them, especially as a stepdad, and 0:20:39.520 --> 0:20:43.359 just be like and you know, sit in there in 0:20:43.440 --> 0:20:47.159 there hurt with them, Like, man, I know that that 0:20:47.280 --> 0:20:50.640 must have been hard to have your dad. If you've 0:20:50.680 --> 0:20:55.280 never done that before, maybe you have, But yeah, like 0:20:55.320 --> 0:20:57.520 I said, just being somebody that went through that, I 0:20:57.520 --> 0:21:03.600 think that there is residual effects that they may not 0:21:03.720 --> 0:21:05.919 even be aware of quite yet. And so if you 0:21:05.920 --> 0:21:10.359 could just view them with that level of grace and 0:21:10.520 --> 0:21:13.840 be able to maybe step into that, I think that 0:21:13.840 --> 0:21:18.000 that would help. Especially if their mom is mentally not well, 0:21:18.119 --> 0:21:22.320 she's probably not caring for them in that relationship in 0:21:22.359 --> 0:21:22.640 a way. 0:21:22.640 --> 0:21:22.960 Maybe. 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:27.119 So when when did your parents get divorced? 0:21:27.280 --> 0:21:34.959 When were you Whenever? I was fourteen, but my dad 0:21:35.080 --> 0:21:38.200 had left when I was nine, they separated. 0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:40.760 So did you have a checkout period in your life 0:21:40.960 --> 0:21:41.879 for sure? Yeah? 0:21:42.480 --> 0:21:45.479 It started at fourteen. Yeah, because my dad. I mean, 0:21:45.520 --> 0:21:48.439 it's a little bit different. My dad had left and 0:21:48.640 --> 0:21:50.600 whenever I was nine, and I thought like, okay, this 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:53.800 is they're separated whatever. But then he came back and 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:56.920 it was kind of like my parents got back together, 0:21:56.960 --> 0:21:58.680