Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with Dengler, Dared Haven and
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio podcast. Hey everybody, welcome to an all
Speaker 1: new episode of Help I Suck At Dating. My name
Speaker 1: is Jared. Have been joined, of course, every week by
Speaker 1: the beautiful, the glorious, the wonderful, man, the myth, the legend,
Speaker 1: Dean Ungler It also known as Deanie Babies. You're gonna
Speaker 1: ever gonna change your Instagram handle? Um, I don't plan
Speaker 1: on it, would I ever? Why would I? Maybe Deanie
Speaker 1: Manny's no, no. Anyways, we got a great episode for
Speaker 1: you guys. Today. We have a couple of guests from
Speaker 1: the podcast Almost thirty. Lindsay and christ will be joining
Speaker 1: us a little bit later on. Um. But first, uh
Speaker 1: and foremost, I think, at least on this week's podcast
Speaker 1: is this is the first podcast since Super Bowl fifty,
Speaker 1: whatever the heck it was, Jared, I just want to
Speaker 1: say congratulate sations on. I know we talked about this
Speaker 1: on the live and was famous a little bit, but
Speaker 1: I just wanted to extend my heartfelt congratulations to you.
Speaker 1: I know that you worked really hard for this, so
Speaker 1: um it was a grindalls, you know. I'm just practice
Speaker 1: every day It's all I could ask for. Really, teammates
Speaker 1: didn't well, they played well. UM. I don't think anybody
Speaker 1: cares about my Super Bowl opinions. Unfortunately. I do love
Speaker 1: talking sports though, but thank you. UM. We did want
Speaker 1: to talk about, obviously an issue that's going on in
Speaker 1: the Bachelor world right now, which comes as no surprise,
Speaker 1: is the Chris Harrison situation. I know it's kind of
Speaker 1: weird to switch gears and talk about something that's very
Speaker 1: serious and important. UM. And I know that we're a
Speaker 1: dating podcast and we're here for an escape and fun,
Speaker 1: and I love providing that We're gonna provide it this episode.
Speaker 1: You know, we have some great guests coming up, and
Speaker 1: we have some of your emails, and we're gonna talk
Speaker 1: about dating and everything that we usually talk about. But
Speaker 1: I do feel, both Dean and I feel that it's
Speaker 1: very important that we start this podcast off by talking
Speaker 1: about the current Cres saracence which ration which, of course,
Speaker 1: if you are not aware, Chris Harrison was on an
Speaker 1: interview earlier this week with Extra with our former Bachelor
Speaker 1: at Rachel Lindsay Uh, and he was talking about a
Speaker 1: new contestant, Rachel Uh not Rachel Lindsay, but a new
Speaker 1: one on Matt James season, who has some controversial uh
Speaker 1: um things surrounding her. Uh. There was a pictures of
Speaker 1: her at an antebellum party on a plantation from a
Speaker 1: couple of years ago a sorority party. She also liked
Speaker 1: some controversial pictures online confedering, including a Confederate flag UM
Speaker 1: and UM. Chris Harrison spoke about it, uh, Dean, I
Speaker 1: don't know if you had an opportunity to listen to
Speaker 1: the interview. UM. I did, UM, and it's it's disappointing. Um.
Speaker 1: You know, Ashley and I have talked a lot about
Speaker 1: it in the past couple of days and trying to
Speaker 1: listen uh and learn um and become better, which is
Speaker 1: something that we've been trying to do for a while now.
Speaker 1: And so so Jared help me understand because I keep
Speaker 1: seeing a lot of my friends and peers and people
Speaker 1: I look up to say that like it's disappointing uh,
Speaker 1: and you know they're trying to learn from it what
Speaker 1: exactly was disappointing about it? And again this is just
Speaker 1: fully from someone that hasn't watched it or doesn't really
Speaker 1: like I obviously under say the gist of what's going on,
Speaker 1: but I haven't watched it myself. So what what what
Speaker 1: was disappointing? Well, you know, it's a lot to unpack.
Speaker 1: I would advise everybody to listen to the interview and
Speaker 1: formulate their own opinions, but also listen and learn to people,
Speaker 1: specifically people of color, who want to talk about this
Speaker 1: issue and subject and in their own experience with it. UM.
Speaker 1: You know, he in the interview they talk about how
Speaker 1: UM two thousand eighteen was vastly different than I think.
Speaker 1: The most disappointing part for me is listening to Chris
Speaker 1: just not have the information uh that he should have. UM. Like,
Speaker 1: for example, he started off the interview saying that, you know,
Speaker 1: five years ago there was a picture that came out
Speaker 1: of of of Rachel at at a plantation, and it
Speaker 1: wasn't five years ago as to was an eighteen, which
Speaker 1: is obviously a pretty big difference and UM, but regardless,
Speaker 1: I just I think it was overall his tone and
Speaker 1: you know, the lack of understanding and specifically talking about
Speaker 1: race to a woman of color and trying to UM
Speaker 1: tell her what he thinks racism is about. You know,
Speaker 1: it's Rachel has experienced it, and I think in moments
Speaker 1: like that, UM, it's best to listen and learn. Um. Rachel,
Speaker 1: I thought I handled her stuff really well in the interview.
Speaker 1: I thought she was elegant. I thought she, uh, showcased
Speaker 1: a lot of strength. UM. And UM, you know Chris
Speaker 1: is a friend. UM that adds a whole, not a layer,
Speaker 1: because UM, he is a friend. And it's it's hard
Speaker 1: um to just you know, say that a friend messed up. Um,
Speaker 1: but he did and he needs to be held accountable
Speaker 1: for it. And UM, I hope that this is a
Speaker 1: learning lesson for us all. I hope this is a
Speaker 1: teachable moment that we can all um have more conversation
Speaker 1: around UM, because I think it's needed and for me specifically,
Speaker 1: like just speaking upon it, like I, you know, I
Speaker 1: need to do a better job. Um. I want to
Speaker 1: continue trying to be as much of an ally as
Speaker 1: possible and continue to condemn racism and continue to try
Speaker 1: to evolve or become a be a part of a
Speaker 1: society that wants to evolve, that wants to be better. UM.
Speaker 1: And uh, I feel bad for Rachel. I listened to
Speaker 1: her podcast that I posted on my own Instagram. A
Speaker 1: couple days ago, uh, saying people should listen to it.
Speaker 1: But it's it's her podcast on The Ringer, and she
Speaker 1: just talks about the interview that she had with Chris
Speaker 1: Harrison and and she just, um, it's pretty enlightening. Um.
Speaker 1: And so I really suggest everybody goes to listen to
Speaker 1: her podcast on The Ringer. Uh, the episode that came
Speaker 1: out I think Friday, um, And I don't know, I
Speaker 1: don't know what else to say about it. I really
Speaker 1: hope that I know, I'm just like blabbing at this point.
Speaker 1: But obviously, as you could see him, you know, pretty
Speaker 1: uncomfortable talking about it. It's an uncomfortable conversation to have.
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean that we should not have it
Speaker 1: because it's uncomfortable. I think we should have it because
Speaker 1: it is uncomfortable. Yeah, right, all right, all right, here's
Speaker 1: my take on on everything that I've gathered through my
Speaker 1: friends and through what you just said just there. Um. Again,
Speaker 1: I haven't seen the interview. I've seen people's reactions to it,
Speaker 1: and I understand the gist of it, and I agree
Speaker 1: with with basically everything that you said. I don't think
Speaker 1: it's just it's it's certainly not a white man's place
Speaker 1: to tell a black woman how she should be feeling
Speaker 1: out any type of racial issue, right, that that is obvious.
Speaker 1: But when I think about how, uh there was a
Speaker 1: social media post or reaction or or whatever from a
Speaker 1: contestant as little as three years ago, here's my experience,
Speaker 1: and this is the only thing. This is what I
Speaker 1: was thinking about. Most of the time that you were
Speaker 1: sharing a story. Was when I was thinking about going
Speaker 1: back on Bachelor Paradise season six for the you know,
Speaker 1: the fourth time in my Bachelor's stint. This was this
Speaker 1: was what two thousand two and nineteen. Whenever it was
Speaker 1: whenever I was about to go on two thousand, I'm Bachelor,
Speaker 1: I was sure if two nine, yep, that's right. It
Speaker 1: was probably around like April May of two thousand nineteen,
Speaker 1: I was considering going back on the show. I was
Speaker 1: talking to producers, blah blah, blah, blah blah. I was
Speaker 1: in China for a week and a half, just exploring
Speaker 1: China and you know, having a blast. And this was
Speaker 1: during the whole the whole process of me trying to
Speaker 1: decide whether or not I was going to go on
Speaker 1: the show or not. And while I was in the
Speaker 1: decision making process. Some of the producers, you know, not
Speaker 1: Chris Harrison, of course, this is this is Chris Harrison.
Speaker 1: Is is kind of like a you know, in my opinion,
Speaker 1: above this pay grade, right, Like, some of the producers
Speaker 1: would reach out to me and be like, hey, Dean,
Speaker 1: we found some discriminating things on your social media and
Speaker 1: I was like, that's crazy, what is it? And they
Speaker 1: were like, hey, we see that. You. You You know, you
Speaker 1: said the F bomb uh five times on your friends
Speaker 1: Facebook ball back in two thousand and seven. Holy, And
Speaker 1: I'm sitting here saying I was sixteen years old, and
Speaker 1: you guys are getting upset with me about dropping the
Speaker 1: F bomb on a friend's Facebook wall in two thousand
Speaker 1: and seven. I was like, listen, I'm in China. I
Speaker 1: can't even get on Facebook. I'll delete it when I
Speaker 1: get back, but I'll take care of it, you know,
Speaker 1: as soon as I'm able to. So that all to say, um,
Speaker 1: I think the recourse here is if if you're upset
Speaker 1: about it, which absolutely should be, you have every right
Speaker 1: to be stop watching the show, like you don't the
Speaker 1: show doesn't owe you anything. You don't know the show anything,
Speaker 1: Like just stop giving your participation, your involvement, your attention,
Speaker 1: and eventually it'll fade away or it'll fix itself. And
Speaker 1: once it fixes itself, then you can re recontinue to
Speaker 1: watch it. But it's like, you know, that's kind of
Speaker 1: my take on it. Yeah, I understand where you're coming from.
Speaker 1: I think the rebuttal to that would be for people
Speaker 1: who who would who criticize the show but continue watching
Speaker 1: it would be why, you know, I want the show
Speaker 1: to be better, and the only way for it to
Speaker 1: be better is for me to hold the show accountable.
Speaker 1: So by just not watching it would then, you know, um,
Speaker 1: just let them continue doing what they're doing. Even though
Speaker 1: I think the show has been taking steps in the
Speaker 1: right directions, I also don't want to ignore that. Um.
Speaker 1: You know, I I this Chris Harrison interview is not good.
Speaker 1: Watching it was was disappointing, like we said, But I
Speaker 1: do believe that the show has been trying to take
Speaker 1: the right steps. Um, and they haven't been succeeding in
Speaker 1: everything they've been doing. While it's my here's my argument
Speaker 1: against that idea is, I don't watch a bad show.
Speaker 1: I don't watch a show a bad show and think
Speaker 1: to myself that's a bad show. How can I take
Speaker 1: action to make it better? If I watch a show
Speaker 1: and it's a bad show, or I don't agree with
Speaker 1: the you know, the message that they're putting out there,
Speaker 1: My way of contributing to getting that show off of
Speaker 1: you know, the air or whatever way it is just
Speaker 1: not giving it the attention that it doesn't deserve. I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna say, I think people like the people that
Speaker 1: are They like the show, they like watching the show,
Speaker 1: They want the show to continue, They just want the
Speaker 1: show to change. I just to me, it's crazy. Again
Speaker 1: I I don't understand to the extent maybe, but to
Speaker 1: me it's crazy. It's like, if you don't like it,
Speaker 1: didn't stop watching it. If you like it but you
Speaker 1: want to change, then stop watching it. Maybe a little
Speaker 1: pivot and maybe it'll change. It's like, you know, if
Speaker 1: you don't like something, then just don't give it the
Speaker 1: attention doesn't deserve, and eventually it'll it'll course correct. If
Speaker 1: it doesn't course correct, it'll fade into obscurity as it should.
Speaker 1: Like I don't know, none of us know. And again
Speaker 1: we are we are two white guys talking about a
Speaker 1: racial issue. We have no place to be talking about
Speaker 1: it obviously as you know, you know, you know you
Speaker 1: you you can beat that dead horse too. It's like,
Speaker 1: we are not people that deserve an apology in any
Speaker 1: sort of way, like you said, it's you know it's
Speaker 1: And even Rachel when she just so Rachel just spoke
Speaker 1: after the whole Chris Harrison debaccle happened, she finally came
Speaker 1: out with a statement, you know, weeks after these accusations,
Speaker 1: and she even says that in her apology, like this
Speaker 1: is this is for the people of color who have
Speaker 1: been offended by my previous actions. And so, like, I
Speaker 1: thought that was worded pretty well. It's not for someone
Speaker 1: like you and I to really judge whether this apology
Speaker 1: is acceptable or not. It's for people who have been
Speaker 1: offended by her previous actions. But I agree, like, I
Speaker 1: think this leads to a bigger cultural conversation that needs
Speaker 1: to be had, um, you know, Like to be completely frank,
Speaker 1: I didn't know what an anti bomb party was until
Speaker 1: this whole conversation came up. I had to google it.
Speaker 1: But again, like so I don't know, like you know,
Speaker 1: I mean there, I'm not gonna lie like I attended
Speaker 1: a wedding at a plantation a few years ago, and
Speaker 1: like it felt weird driving there, but I know, I
Speaker 1: didn't like stand there and be like, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to this. It was like this is kind of weird.
Speaker 1: And then there were people of color at the wedding
Speaker 1: and I was like, all right, well, I guess I
Speaker 1: don't know, Like I truly just don't know if this
Speaker 1: is you know, I know that I don't know if
Speaker 1: this is a good thing, it's a bad thing. I
Speaker 1: don't know what the hell you think of it. But
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not really thinking too much of it
Speaker 1: at the moment. Uh. And then of course looking back
Speaker 1: at it, just like someone like Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively,
Speaker 1: they got married on a plantation I don't know how
Speaker 1: long ago, but they came out this year and said
Speaker 1: that they regretted having the wedding at the plantation. And
Speaker 1: so I think, you know, hopefully we can grow and
Speaker 1: learn and have more conversations even if they are uncomfortable
Speaker 1: discussing this is how we can get better, and this
Speaker 1: is what we need to do in order to get better. Um,
Speaker 1: And I really, I really hope that that continues with
Speaker 1: the Bachelor franchise. And with the world as a whole, right, right,
Speaker 1: And I do agree with what you were saying. Like
Speaker 1: as Chris, Chris, you know, I would necessarily call him
Speaker 1: a friend. But I like Chris. Every time I've interacted
Speaker 1: with Chris, I've enjoyed meeting him. I don't think he's
Speaker 1: a bad guy. I think, uh, from what I've surmised
Speaker 1: this interview that he gave. Maybe he was a little
Speaker 1: too like cavalier with his words. You know, who the
Speaker 1: heck knows. But like like you said, it's like you
Speaker 1: want to stand in your friend's corner here. So it's um,
Speaker 1: but there is no excuse, There is absolutely no excuse
Speaker 1: for for for any type of discrimination whatsoever, like I
Speaker 1: mean too, Yeah, And to piggyback off that point, like
Speaker 1: we want to make it very clear that you know,
Speaker 1: we condemn racism in any in all forms, and it's deplorable.
Speaker 1: Um So anybody defending any type of racism is something
Speaker 1: that we vehemently are against. Yeah, absolutely, But I don't know.
Speaker 1: The thing is again, I don't think it's like I'm
Speaker 1: glad that we can touch on it and talk about it.
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think it's our place to you know, like,
Speaker 1: of course, I don't know, I don't know. What do
Speaker 1: you think? I agree, I don't think it's our place
Speaker 1: to really judge whether Rachel's apology or Chris Harrison's apology
Speaker 1: is worthy to be accepted at this point or if
Speaker 1: there needs to be more done in order to earn forgiveness.
Speaker 1: Like that's just not up to us, you know, like
Speaker 1: you said, we're too privileged white dudes who I don't
Speaker 1: really have a say in it. But of course we
Speaker 1: want to also be good allies. And I know that
Speaker 1: word has been thrown around so much, but it's but
Speaker 1: it's true. You know, we have you know, we've had
Speaker 1: a lot of we have friends, you know who are
Speaker 1: in the Bachelor franchise, Katie and Mike and Intation and
Speaker 1: a lot of people who you know, have to deal
Speaker 1: with this that you know, we don't have to deal
Speaker 1: with And it's I just want to support in any
Speaker 1: way we can. Um. I just wanted to add one
Speaker 1: more thing before we move on, and that is Chris
Speaker 1: as a friend and he's a good man, and he
Speaker 1: announced that he's gonna be stepping aside, uh for a
Speaker 1: period of time. What that period of time is I
Speaker 1: have no idea. I think that he's doing the right
Speaker 1: thing by stepping aside, but I also know Chris, and
Speaker 1: I believe that Chris will be better from this. UM.
Speaker 1: It is a teachable moment. As much as we're throwing
Speaker 1: that word around, this is really an opportunity for a
Speaker 1: lot of people to educate themselves, myself included. UM, Chris
Speaker 1: needs to be held accountable, he needs to do better,
Speaker 1: and I believe that he will do better. I hope
Speaker 1: that Chris is not fired. UM. I hope that we
Speaker 1: can have more uncomfortable conversation it's like this in the future,
Speaker 1: because as uncomfortable as they are, they need to happen,
Speaker 1: as we've seen over the past year. UM. And those
Speaker 1: are my thoughts. So Chris is stepping aside for a
Speaker 1: period of time, and UM, I hope he's back. UM.
Speaker 1: I hope he's better. UM, because we all need to
Speaker 1: do better. And those are really my thoughts about it. UM.
Speaker 1: Like I said, Chris is a friend, and that makes
Speaker 1: this even more difficult. UM because while I don't agree
Speaker 1: with what a friend said, UM, you know, I believe
Speaker 1: that he can be better from this UM true true. Anyways,
Speaker 1: we have a like I said at the at the beginning,
Speaker 1: we have got a great episode for you guys. We
Speaker 1: have the host of almost thirty coming up next um,
Speaker 1: and then, as we always tend to do, we will
Speaker 1: jump into some listener emails at the end of the show,
Speaker 1: so stay tuned for that. We will be right back. Hey,
Speaker 1: welcome back to help I Suck at Dating. We have
Speaker 1: two very special guests on the line right now. You
Speaker 1: know them from the Almost thirty podcast. It is Christa
Speaker 1: Williams and Lindsay Simsic. Lindsay Krista, how are you, ladies. Oh,
Speaker 1: we're good. So excited to be here right around Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: So it's just a dream. I know it's the perfect
Speaker 1: time to come on a Suck Dating podcast right around.
Speaker 1: We just put out a breakout episode specifically around this time,
Speaker 1: just to like support those going through whatever transition. So well,
Speaker 1: I don't know about your person. Are you both in relationships?
Speaker 1: We are? Now? Okay, do you have any special Valentine's
Speaker 1: Day plans for me? So I'm engaged. We will yeah,
Speaker 1: And I think once you're engaged, you're kind of like,
Speaker 1: you know, the gigs up, so we'll probably do sweatpants
Speaker 1: order in hang out. You know, nothing special. I think
Speaker 1: we used to. We used all of our like intense
Speaker 1: dating experiences the first couple of years, and now we
Speaker 1: just like to chill. No, that's the best kind. That's
Speaker 1: what my wife and I are gonna do. So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna cook for. My wife's name is Ashley. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: cook for. I made a pizza for the first time
Speaker 1: in my life last week, and I'm gonna make the
Speaker 1: pizza again for. We're gonna have a bottle of wine.
Speaker 1: And then she doesn't know this, but of course I'll
Speaker 1: go to flowers and chocolate and all that good stuff.
Speaker 1: But it's just gonna be a low key Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: I mean, what else can you do during the COVID
Speaker 1: times exactly the best though, And whatever I was out
Speaker 1: on dates, I was like, I just want to be
Speaker 1: in my sweatpants at home anyway. So now to just
Speaker 1: kind of cut that and just be home is so beautiful.
Speaker 1: So I love I love your Valentine's Well, I feel
Speaker 1: like sweatpants goes right along with being uh almost in
Speaker 1: your thirties, which is what your podcast is all about.
Speaker 1: Tell us a little bit about your podcast. So we
Speaker 1: started almost thirty when we were transitioning from our twenties
Speaker 1: to your thirties. And I'm sure a lot of your
Speaker 1: listeners can relate. It's a time when you just feel
Speaker 1: like what the is going on? You know, there's so
Speaker 1: many questions and fears and doubts around relationships, career and
Speaker 1: just like knowing yourself. And you know, we we talk
Speaker 1: a lot about or we talked through the lens of
Speaker 1: spirituality often and um, astrologically, it's called your Saturn return
Speaker 1: and so this is when Saturn returns to the spot
Speaker 1: it was when you were born. And really it's it's
Speaker 1: helping you to recognize things in your life that really
Speaker 1: aren't working and possibly not in alignment, and so it's
Speaker 1: asking you to get kind of serious. You know. So
Speaker 1: a lot of people during this time might switch jobs,
Speaker 1: they might get married, they might get divorced, they might
Speaker 1: make a big move. For example, I moved from New
Speaker 1: York to l a during that time, and so, um,
Speaker 1: you know, we just we met each other during that time,
Speaker 1: related so much and just felt like, wow, these conversations
Speaker 1: were having together just super comforting and healing, and so
Speaker 1: we figured can't be alone and was like, you think
Speaker 1: we can start a podcast? And I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: so down to try. So we did, and four and
Speaker 1: a half years later, it's yeah, it's become a thing. Uh,
Speaker 1: well that's great. Yeah, you guys have had super success
Speaker 1: on it. I think about like my own transition from
Speaker 1: my late twenties to early thirties. I guess it's probably
Speaker 1: different for a guy than it is a woman, especially
Speaker 1: for women that want to have a family, have kids,
Speaker 1: Like I don't have a biological clock that's ticking. Is
Speaker 1: is that a factor? Like I hear Ashley, My wife
Speaker 1: talked about it all the time, and you know, we
Speaker 1: were actively trying to have kids right now, we've been
Speaker 1: married for about a year and a half, and it's
Speaker 1: there's so much more pressure on women than there his men.
Speaker 1: I really feel bad. Well thanks, we'll take that when
Speaker 1: we receive your your sympathy. Um. Yeah. And I think
Speaker 1: there's the biological element, and then there's the societal pressures.
Speaker 1: You know, when I was younger, and I think Lindsay
Speaker 1: as well, a lot of women grow up and they're like,
Speaker 1: I want to have kids when I'm twenties, say I
Speaker 1: want to be married when I'm twenty five and this
Speaker 1: will be my house and this will be my car,
Speaker 1: and this will be my husband and etcetera, etcetera. And
Speaker 1: you know, I'm thirty two and we're just about to
Speaker 1: get married and we're probably gonna have kids soon. But
Speaker 1: your life doesn't always end up the way that you
Speaker 1: thought or way you plan. So women just feel the
Speaker 1: pressure to really be the best wife, be the best mother,
Speaker 1: have kids at a certain time, um, have a beautiful
Speaker 1: wedding and all these things. So I do feel like
Speaker 1: women have a lot of pressure. And I think the
Speaker 1: biological element really plays in for a lot of different women.
Speaker 1: But you know, we've had on fertility doctors and people
Speaker 1: talk about that specific issue around the biological clock and
Speaker 1: um in just hopes of supporting women who may have
Speaker 1: issues getting pregnant or trying, because I know that's a
Speaker 1: really hard thing. Oh totally. My sister. So, my sister
Speaker 1: is holy crap, I'm third. Okay, she's gonna be thirty
Speaker 1: five in June. And last December, um so not this
Speaker 1: past December, but a year ago her and her and
Speaker 1: her husban and got pregnant. She had a miscarriage, and
Speaker 1: then there was like complications, so she had to wait
Speaker 1: three months before trying again. But the problem with my
Speaker 1: my brother in law's in the Coast Guard, so he's
Speaker 1: he was going overseas in November for a whole year,
Speaker 1: so they were trying to get pregnant before he left,
Speaker 1: and there was so much stress involved because, like he said,
Speaker 1: like she was having so much struggle getting pregnant, and
Speaker 1: she ended up not getting pregnant before they left. And
Speaker 1: so there's you know, they're obviously trying alternative ways, but
Speaker 1: it's pretty intense. But you know what's funny is that
Speaker 1: I feel like as I've gotten older, you know, we
Speaker 1: always dread like, oh, getting older. You know, I don't
Speaker 1: want to get older. I don't want to get older.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't go back, would you, No, No, I I
Speaker 1: would happily leave my twenties behind. But um, it is
Speaker 1: kind of cool to look back because I think, you know,
Speaker 1: now in my thirties, knowing how much I've grown, UM,
Speaker 1: I just feel that much more confident and kind of
Speaker 1: have that experience under my belt. Um. I was, I
Speaker 1: was single for seven years in my twenties and just
Speaker 1: I was very much sucking at dating. Um And you know,
Speaker 1: just going after the guys that were completely unavailable, and
Speaker 1: that was a you know, a testament to just how
Speaker 1: I felt about myself, um, and my own worth within relationship.
Speaker 1: And so what made them unavailable? Were they just in
Speaker 1: other relationships? Um? Pally potentially emotionally unavailable sometimes you don't know, um,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I more more so just emotionally not there.
Speaker 1: And I think it was like it didn't it didn't
Speaker 1: push me to show up in relationships. So I looked
Speaker 1: really good. I looked like, you know, the one that
Speaker 1: was was attentive and connected, and then that didn't allow
Speaker 1: push me to actually step into huh, I could be
Speaker 1: doing even better so um. And I'm also like very
Speaker 1: much a nurturer, so I thought I could like fix them,
Speaker 1: change them, having fall more in love with me because
Speaker 1: of that. So it was it was pretty you know, dysfunctional.
Speaker 1: But um, after that seven years of being very single, UM,
Speaker 1: I really realized that that period of time which a
Speaker 1: lot of women find themselves in approaching their thirties is
Speaker 1: just incredibly sacred. It's like it's one of those times
Speaker 1: where you have the opportunity to walk back to yourself.
Speaker 1: And what I found is that you know in the
Speaker 1: relationship I'm in now, like, he is so attracted to
Speaker 1: that me that that knows myself, that is connected to myself,
Speaker 1: that trusts myself, that you know, is connected to my
Speaker 1: intuition and so on. So yeah, I think a lot
Speaker 1: of guys are attracted. But let's talk to somebody who's
Speaker 1: not in their thirties, who just joined you want to
Speaker 1: talk about emotionally unavailable? More dinon reladies and gentlemen, emotionally unavailable?
Speaker 1: Here we go. Yeah, yeah, no, it's funny too, and
Speaker 1: and hello, hello everyone, it's so great to see you all. Uh,
Speaker 1: it's funny too that that this is the time that
Speaker 1: I decided to pop into the conversation because, uh, as
Speaker 1: you were describing that situation where you're dating guys that
Speaker 1: were emotionally unavailable or unavailable for whatever other reason. You know. Um,
Speaker 1: I like to think back to when I was in
Speaker 1: my early to mid to even like early mid twenties.
Speaker 1: So that's the thing, you know, like twenty six, twenty seven, whatever, Um,
Speaker 1: and I was that mid to late twenties. Yeah, he's
Speaker 1: like yesterday e four. If you're early to mid twenties,
Speaker 1: you know this week early mid twenties, like twenty six,
Speaker 1: right early mid or maybe that's you're right early early
Speaker 1: late twenties is seven. Anyways, that aside um that first
Speaker 1: night you were just talking about, that's that's me to
Speaker 1: a t. So I can definitely understand where you're coming
Speaker 1: from and on behalf of all emotionally unavailable mid twenty
Speaker 1: year old men in the world. I would like to
Speaker 1: apologize for any type of uh frustration we might have
Speaker 1: caused you at any point. But I mean it sounds
Speaker 1: like obviously that's uh, that's the thing. I'm curious, Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm curious looking, but you know, for you to look
Speaker 1: back at that time, like, what do you feel was
Speaker 1: kind of underneath that emotionally unavailable nous? Uh? Well, I
Speaker 1: think I actually I know exactly what it is. And
Speaker 1: it's funny because it sounds like it's kind of the
Speaker 1: same thing that was holding you back for a while
Speaker 1: until you hit your your thirties or until you turn thirty,
Speaker 1: was when I was in my mid to early twenties.
Speaker 1: And I'm just gonna keep bushering out. I'm so sorry. Um,
Speaker 1: I just I had no idea who the heck I was.
Speaker 1: I was a shell of myself. I was the person
Speaker 1: that I thought my friends wanted to me to be.
Speaker 1: I was like doing things that were unlike what I
Speaker 1: really felt because I wanted to like fit in with
Speaker 1: my friends. And I know that's that might be like
Speaker 1: a late teen thing, but especially like in your early
Speaker 1: to mid twenties, I think like, um, especially moving to
Speaker 1: l A. For me personally, this is obviously not for everyone,
Speaker 1: but for when I moved to l A in my
Speaker 1: early twenties, it was like my identity was like partying
Speaker 1: with my friends. And that's not an identity, that's not
Speaker 1: like a characteristic that's not like a you know, a
Speaker 1: quirky trade. That is just that is nothing. And so
Speaker 1: I was like hiding behind this party persona um, and
Speaker 1: I think that's that is, in my opinion, the biggest
Speaker 1: reason why I was like emotionally unavailable at that age
Speaker 1: up until I turned like probably eight, because I was
Speaker 1: hiding behind this person that was like I just want
Speaker 1: to party with my friends every weekend, and that's like
Speaker 1: that's not I mean's it's fun and it's fine and
Speaker 1: there's nothing against it, but it's like you're just a guy.
Speaker 1: Early to mid twenties guys. It's so funny. Like I
Speaker 1: always felt like like women are dating and we're kind
Speaker 1: of looking for the partner, we're looking for husband's a
Speaker 1: lot of times. And guys it's like as soon as
Speaker 1: one person gets married, like a few guys in the
Speaker 1: in the circle or in their friend group have to
Speaker 1: get married, and they're like, maybe she can married, and
Speaker 1: then they're like, who's around and we'll get married. It's
Speaker 1: like guys get married when they see their friends getting married,
Speaker 1: whereas I feel like women kind of we'll do it
Speaker 1: whenever they want, or just do it because they're looking
Speaker 1: for someone to be with. That's interesting, I think for both.
Speaker 1: I think it goes for both genders because I hear
Speaker 1: I hear a lot of uh girls, Ashley's friends, so
Speaker 1: on and so forth who say, like, all my friends
Speaker 1: are married, when am I going to meet my guy? Uh?
Speaker 1: It's interesting because I but I do agree with you.
Speaker 1: I think guys get married because their friends are doing it.
Speaker 1: It's not like they want to get married. I I
Speaker 1: have so much experience with that. Specifically too, is because
Speaker 1: some of like my best friends who have been in
Speaker 1: long term relationships will like be um like miserable in
Speaker 1: their relationships and they're like, well, I don't want us
Speaker 1: to break up because all my friends are in relationships.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, you don't want to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship because all your friends are in relationships. Like,
Speaker 1: if you're miserable, leave the relationship. I fully agree that. Uh,
Speaker 1: guys are like very instinctive where they want to like
Speaker 1: they want to be around the same and page at
Speaker 1: their other guy friends around. So if they're in relationships,
Speaker 1: they all want to be relationships that they're all single,
Speaker 1: they all want to be single. So I fully agree
Speaker 1: with that. Yeah, it's interesting too, you know, for for
Speaker 1: you guys going through that period of your late twenties
Speaker 1: early thirties, like what was your like what was the
Speaker 1: theme for you at guys as far as dating? And
Speaker 1: then how have you learned to like apply those aspects
Speaker 1: of finding out who you are and really being more
Speaker 1: confident with yourself to your life. Now, how Dean do
Speaker 1: you want to start this one? I try to figure
Speaker 1: out how to articulate it without sounding like a complete
Speaker 1: douche bag. Well, well, I was gonna say, of course,
Speaker 1: a guy in is you know in your twenties. You know,
Speaker 1: it's like you want to go to the beach clubs
Speaker 1: and you want to like like, I watched so many
Speaker 1: movies growing up about like you know, attending parties and
Speaker 1: hooking up with girls and like that type of lifestyle.
Speaker 1: Like I wanted to be, you know, stiffler, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean from American pie, like being the like
Speaker 1: the life of the party, like you know, cream bikinis
Speaker 1: for everyone. Like I was never that guy, but I
Speaker 1: always wanted to be like that guy. And so I
Speaker 1: think throughout my twenties, um, even though I still was
Speaker 1: never that guy, it was difficult for me to to um,
Speaker 1: to like really put myself out there with a lot
Speaker 1: of different women. Uh it Uh, I think that was
Speaker 1: like what I was going for. And then it ended
Speaker 1: up being like seven years of just remaining single and
Speaker 1: never really developing a relationship with anybody and then obviously
Speaker 1: getting uh entering a relationship with my my wife, which
Speaker 1: is interesting. Yeah, I think I think forgot well a
Speaker 1: lot of guys. I'm only speaking from experience, so I
Speaker 1: guess I don't really know. Uh, you think you have
Speaker 1: serious relationships up until you have an actual serious relationship,
Speaker 1: so like up until I started doing my girlfriend now Caitlin, I, Oh,
Speaker 1: is thought that like I had like three you know,
Speaker 1: quote unquote long term relationships that lasted a little over
Speaker 1: a year, and those were like serious relationships, but I
Speaker 1: didn't realize, Um, they were never shallow. And I would
Speaker 1: never like to like minimalize those relationships that I had
Speaker 1: because they were very important to me, of course, but like, um,
Speaker 1: they were in a serious They don't like hold the
Speaker 1: campbell to the relationship that I'm in now. And so
Speaker 1: I think that a lot of guys, you know, they think,
Speaker 1: especially in the early twenties, like and again only speaking
Speaker 1: from experience, that like, you know, they have a girlfriend
Speaker 1: of a year plus and like, okay, this is like
Speaker 1: a serious, like committed, committed whatever relationship. Um, And then
Speaker 1: you don't realize until later on and until you start
Speaker 1: to like settle down with someone more or less that
Speaker 1: you realize that the committed relationships that you thought used
Speaker 1: to have aren't quite as serious as that gives your
Speaker 1: perspective at the time like, oh, that was nothing. It's
Speaker 1: kind of like, to be fair a little bit like
Speaker 1: The Bachelor, where you sometimes go on this show and
Speaker 1: and a lot of people fall in love after like
Speaker 1: two dates and then they look back and they're like,
Speaker 1: maybe that wasn't love, And maybe I was taking that
Speaker 1: for lost, not saying that's for everybody. But we've seen
Speaker 1: time and time again on the show where people are
Speaker 1: so immediate to just be like I love this person,
Speaker 1: and then they look back and like, maybe that wasn't love,
Speaker 1: Maybe I was crazy. What about what about? Yeah? I
Speaker 1: was gonna say, what about like a women's perspective on this? Yeah,
Speaker 1: what are your themes? Themes for? I think mine is
Speaker 1: like for so long, I would get into relationships trying
Speaker 1: to change the person and I would be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: he's amazing, but he needs to not where polo shirts
Speaker 1: and khakis all the time. Like I was like, you
Speaker 1: need to change his style, or he needs to be
Speaker 1: more deep, or he needs to meet me more emotionally,
Speaker 1: or we need to go on trips or whatever. The
Speaker 1: the ideas that I had that I wanted him to be.
Speaker 1: I really let those go, you know, in my thirties
Speaker 1: and with the relationship my fiance that I that I
Speaker 1: have now when I realized, um, after my parents separated.
Speaker 1: You know, my parents separated after being married for thirty
Speaker 1: three years, and I'll never forget. When my mom said
Speaker 1: to me in the car, She's like, you know, from
Speaker 1: the day I married your dad, I wanted to change him.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god. You know, the
Speaker 1: whole relationship was really them trying to have these high
Speaker 1: expectations for one another and trying to change one another.
Speaker 1: And so in my relationship now, i'd really just try
Speaker 1: and let him be who he is and love him
Speaker 1: through that process rather than trying to change everyone because
Speaker 1: I'm not satisfied or I'm not communicating what I want
Speaker 1: or I'm really um, just focus on them and what
Speaker 1: they lack rather than what they really have. I relate
Speaker 1: to that so much. UM. But another theme for me
Speaker 1: was definitely um kind of putting putting the power with
Speaker 1: whoever I was dating, meaning they decided what we were
Speaker 1: going to do. UM. I would always just have that
Speaker 1: be a default. So I'm someone who has a lot
Speaker 1: of interests. I am pretty dynamic in the way that
Speaker 1: I can be, like very expressive and creative and very weird,
Speaker 1: and I would kind of pull back on all those
Speaker 1: aspects of me because I felt like if I were
Speaker 1: to show all facets of who I was that it
Speaker 1: might scare this person away, and I just felt that energetically.
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know if they could hold this,
Speaker 1: and so what I defaulted to was, um, yeah, just
Speaker 1: giving them most of the you know, decision making power
Speaker 1: and just feeling like they were like in control of everything.
Speaker 1: And I really I dimmed my light in a lot
Speaker 1: of my previous relationships and the relationship I'm in now.
Speaker 1: You know, we've been together a little over a year,
Speaker 1: but I've known each other for eight years. And what's
Speaker 1: been like the most beautiful part is just having him
Speaker 1: see parts of me that I'm like you and he's like,
Speaker 1: I'm not going anywhere, so okay, Like it was just
Speaker 1: shocking to me. I'm like, you're not gonna leave me,
Speaker 1: you know, you're not freaked out. He's like no, Like
Speaker 1: I am obsessed with seeing all parts of you, Like,
Speaker 1: let's keep going. And so it's been really healing because
Speaker 1: of how long I was kind of holding back on
Speaker 1: all those parts. So what changed, Like did you did
Speaker 1: you have a decision in your head to say I'm
Speaker 1: going to be myself and then he like they accept
Speaker 1: me or he won't. Or was your boyfriend? Is he
Speaker 1: your boyfriend or husband or boyfriend was he just more
Speaker 1: accepting of it, which which resulted in you being more
Speaker 1: of yourself. He's just like always seeking the truth. And
Speaker 1: he could smell my bolt and I was like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, he sees that, like and he could he
Speaker 1: was he was getting frustrated at times. He's like, I
Speaker 1: feel like you're just you're not like being yourself in
Speaker 1: certain moments, and like, I just want to tell you that,
Speaker 1: like you can and if you feel a certain way,
Speaker 1: you can tell me and we can talk about it.
Speaker 1: I'm like a recovering people pleaser, so I just don't
Speaker 1: want to make anyone feel uncomfortable around how I'm feeling.
Speaker 1: So it was actually his invitation to just like let
Speaker 1: her rip, and um, it's been cool because like I
Speaker 1: see that it actually like makes our connection so much
Speaker 1: stronger every time those moments happen. In same for him,
Speaker 1: like I want him to be able to, you know,
Speaker 1: just like lean into me and like fall apart if
Speaker 1: he needs to fall apart and you know, express his
Speaker 1: frustration if he wants to express it and not have
Speaker 1: him worry about how how is she going to feel
Speaker 1: if I express myself truthfully? It's like, no, we can
Speaker 1: hold each other's truth. It's that it's that thorough quote
Speaker 1: from Into the Wild with Alexander super Champ. He says,
Speaker 1: rather than money, rather than love, rather than fame, give
Speaker 1: me truth. And it's so funny too, because you you
Speaker 1: were telling that story and I was like, I feel
Speaker 1: the same ever since I saw that movie, and ever
Speaker 1: since I was like, super Champs the man h and
Speaker 1: throw obviously is the man too. I was like, that
Speaker 1: is a quote that is absolutely worth living by. And
Speaker 1: I think a lot of that too kind of comes
Speaker 1: with like it's almost gender stick in the sense where
Speaker 1: it's like not even just guys or girls that get
Speaker 1: into it. But She's like, once you get to a
Speaker 1: certain age, you're kind of just like I like, I
Speaker 1: don't care about the frills, Like I'm going to stop
Speaker 1: withholding certain parts of myself to please other people. I like,
Speaker 1: you just want to be yourself and have that person
Speaker 1: love you and appreciate you for that person, like for yourself,
Speaker 1: you know. And I feel like like at a certain point,
Speaker 1: like because your soul wants that the whole time, and
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden there's so much dissonance because
Speaker 1: you haven't allowed it to fully express that, like you
Speaker 1: just can't take it anymore, and either something happens, whether
Speaker 1: it's a breakup or a breakdown or whatever whatever, and
Speaker 1: you have no choice but to like get real about it.
Speaker 1: In a relationship like that, you know, where you can't
Speaker 1: be your full self is exhausting. And I think that's
Speaker 1: what happens a lot of times, and I think social
Speaker 1: media exacerbates that, where it's like you essentially are connecting
Speaker 1: with other people's masks or other people's projections of who
Speaker 1: they want people to see them as, and it's like,
Speaker 1: after a while that doesn't feel like real connection, and
Speaker 1: people are lonelier than ever because we're really connecting with
Speaker 1: like this fake version of one another and it's it's
Speaker 1: supposed to feel like real connection. Do you think social
Speaker 1: media has helped or hurt dating? You know, I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: I know that's a very vague question, but think about,
Speaker 1: like we were talking about this the other day, where
Speaker 1: when we were dating in our early twenties or even
Speaker 1: in our teens, like you know, those high school romances,
Speaker 1: you would break up And Krista told the story the
Speaker 1: other day, so part of me for telling part of this,
Speaker 1: but it's like you would have that phone call where
Speaker 1: you're like, Okay, we're done, Like this is over. This
Speaker 1: is the breakup phone call. And you wouldn't like then
Speaker 1: go on Instagram and see them commenting on so and
Speaker 1: so's photo or see him or her in a photo
Speaker 1: of this other person and go down a rabbit hole
Speaker 1: of what have you? Like, there wasn't that information our
Speaker 1: opportunities to really go there. Yeah, you used to have
Speaker 1: to drive by someone's house in order to Oh my god,
Speaker 1: now it's just a story of my life. Ohio baby,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I know how we used to that.
Speaker 1: We're like, Okay, we're just gonna drive close to their house.
Speaker 1: There's another car, like and everyone in Like, I'm from
Speaker 1: a small town, so we knew everyone's cars, we knew
Speaker 1: everyone's plates, like you knew everything. Um, but on that
Speaker 1: point too. So we had a breakup expert on, you know,
Speaker 1: last week or so, and she was talking about like
Speaker 1: our brain on when we're dating and especially after a breakup,
Speaker 1: and how a lot of times when we have a
Speaker 1: breakup with someone or when we're dating someone, when we're
Speaker 1: feeding ourselves with like the social media aspect of it,
Speaker 1: it's kind of like an addiction where you're like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get it, like from a photo from them.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna, you know, see where they're at, I'm going
Speaker 1: to see who they're commenting on. I'm going to do
Speaker 1: all this stuff. And when you do break up with
Speaker 1: someone or if you're trying to like move on to
Speaker 1: the next person, you really need to go cold turkey,
Speaker 1: and social media makes it really hard to do that
Speaker 1: because it's just so tempting all the time. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: remember going through some breakups where I would like ask
Speaker 1: my friends to post stories knowing that my ex was
Speaker 1: going to see the story, and it's like the most
Speaker 1: it's like the most toxic crap too. It's like, that's
Speaker 1: like a very that's a beautiful thing that you just
Speaker 1: shared because I don't know, I don't know a lot
Speaker 1: of them would admit that, but and that's what I
Speaker 1: think about too. I'm like I was like, in the
Speaker 1: last time I was dating and I had a breakup,
Speaker 1: it was like social media wasn't what it is. So
Speaker 1: I was like doing Facebook albums. I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: going to take a photo in a bathing student posted
Speaker 1: in a Facebook album and maybe they'll see it. And
Speaker 1: now it's so like immediate with stories and TikTok and
Speaker 1: all this kind of stuff like that would be so
Speaker 1: exhausting to keep up with like that, trying to get
Speaker 1: your ex's attention all the time on social media, like
Speaker 1: my gosh, oh my god. I don't know if I'm
Speaker 1: like myself by a couple of years, but my space anytime,
Speaker 1: like you were going through a difficult time in high school,
Speaker 1: or like somebody wasn't responding, a girl didn't like you back,
Speaker 1: like I would, I would make one of those song profiles.
Speaker 1: You had songs on your profile, and I'd make it
Speaker 1: like some love song, and I hope you see this,
Speaker 1: you know how how much I care about her and
Speaker 1: how I'm never gonna find someone else like her. I
Speaker 1: remember remember AOL away messages, remember like date people see
Speaker 1: you later, And if you were like in a fight,
Speaker 1: you'd like put an ail away message on you be
Speaker 1: like just processing stuff away for a few hours for
Speaker 1: some preason. I would always be like thinking of you
Speaker 1: like you never and no one like passively. Yeah you
Speaker 1: never want to make your a O well away message
Speaker 1: br like be right back or b r B like no,
Speaker 1: that was too you need like a movie quote or
Speaker 1: song or an inside joke. Yeah. My like, my main
Speaker 1: all memory is I remember there's this girl that I
Speaker 1: had a crush on. Uh. And you know, you would
Speaker 1: like sign on and you would see how many friends
Speaker 1: you have online and then it would be like thirty online,
Speaker 1: eighty offline or whatever. Right, Uh, And this girl that
Speaker 1: had a crush on was offline. And then all of
Speaker 1: a sudden, I received a message from her and I
Speaker 1: was like, how did you just mentioned me? It says
Speaker 1: you're offline, and she goes, yeah, I've hidden myself online,
Speaker 1: but I'm still like talking to people that I want
Speaker 1: to talk to that way people don't like reach out
Speaker 1: to me. And I was like, whoa this is this
Speaker 1: is escalating, dude. It's amazing. You could just see like
Speaker 1: little you in your chair. You're like it was like
Speaker 1: it was one of those spinny chairs too. So I
Speaker 1: would like push away from the desk and like like
Speaker 1: flipping out, and I'm like, like, you know, you get
Speaker 1: back to the keyboard, you like precompose yourself, and you're
Speaker 1: like n you like not Like I was a yearbook
Speaker 1: that I had when I was home in Ohio. I
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, the year book, and I don't know why.
Speaker 1: I was like in seventh and eighth grade, I'm like,
Speaker 1: so many guys were calling me sexy. I'm like we
Speaker 1: were literally like twelve. They're like, hey, sexy, have have
Speaker 1: a great summer, Hags, And I'm like, why is everyone
Speaker 1: calling each other like sexy when we're so young? Dude,
Speaker 1: Hags is everything as well, has have a great summer? Summer?
Speaker 1: Baby Dared never got his yearbook signed. I wasn't that popular, guys.
Speaker 1: Thanks for twisting that night. I'm curious with like your
Speaker 1: layer of being on TV and The Bachelor, like as
Speaker 1: far as making dating harder easier and then on top
Speaker 1: of that, being a presence on social media. This is
Speaker 1: like a buye interview. Sorry, like we're both no, it's funny.
Speaker 1: I actually I thought that after you asked the last
Speaker 1: question to I was like, this is nice. Um, I'll
Speaker 1: go first because I I have a distinct experience with
Speaker 1: this is as well, and for the long time I
Speaker 1: had like this weird compulsory like, um, I was like
Speaker 1: super insecure about it, and I thought for a while,
Speaker 1: you know, like you come off the super reality TV
Speaker 1: show and you like accumulate, you know, a semi decent
Speaker 1: Instagram following and then for like a good six to
Speaker 1: nine months. I would say I would think that a
Speaker 1: lot of the roles that were interested in me were
Speaker 1: only interested in me because they were like, whoa, this
Speaker 1: guy's got you know, half a million followers on Instagram
Speaker 1: or whatever it was, And I like developed a pretty
Speaker 1: big like inferiority complex over I was like, well, am
Speaker 1: I good enough for them? Or do they just like
Speaker 1: want me because they think it will like bolster their
Speaker 1: own and like you know, like a bunch of dumb
Speaker 1: stuff like that. Um, that was something that I eventually worked,
Speaker 1: like I went to like therapy and like figured it
Speaker 1: all out, and like like I said earlier, to like
Speaker 1: I just kind of like aged out of that whole thing.
Speaker 1: But there was like definitely a big, uh fraction of
Speaker 1: you know, the post experience where it was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: what like how do I handle this kind of stuff?
Speaker 1: But I don't know, Jared, what about you? Yeah? I
Speaker 1: think of course it escalated the dating scene, uh you know,
Speaker 1: going on a show and then coming off of it. Um.
Speaker 1: I think for me it was it was more I
Speaker 1: got lucky where I got a really good uh edit
Speaker 1: on the show. Um not to say edit changes your character,
Speaker 1: but like they only showed all my good parts and
Speaker 1: never any bad parts. And so I think people had
Speaker 1: this idea of who I was, and that created a
Speaker 1: little insecurity to me because I knew that I was
Speaker 1: not that guy. You know, I'm born and raised Rhode Island,
Speaker 1: like at the time, I was managing restaurants, like I made,
Speaker 1: you know, a very medical class income, and and I
Speaker 1: you know, I was not rich and famous as people
Speaker 1: just assumed I was because I was on the Bachelorette.
Speaker 1: So that created a little bit of an insecurity inside
Speaker 1: that I never really told anybody because I of course
Speaker 1: I wanted to be that person that they were looking at.
Speaker 1: They were like in awe. You know, I could see
Speaker 1: how my friends treated me differently after I came off
Speaker 1: the show, how everybody just kind of got a little
Speaker 1: more star struck around me. And it was a great feeling,
Speaker 1: but also definitely caused some anxiety because you know, inside
Speaker 1: I'm like, guys, I like, someday this will go away,
Speaker 1: and I'm I'm not gonna have a mansion. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna have a house by the water, Like I'm I'm
Speaker 1: very much gonna be just the same guy, and I
Speaker 1: always got scared that people were going to view that
Speaker 1: as failure. Um and uh, but you know, I mean
Speaker 1: the the good obviously outweigh the bad. You know. The
Speaker 1: very limited amount of people get the opportunity to dean
Speaker 1: to myself had, so I'm always grateful for it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like almost like they need to support you guys
Speaker 1: with like therapy after, you know, because it's it's so
Speaker 1: much like you have so many projections, so many opinions.
Speaker 1: You know, your life is changing, your finances are changing,
Speaker 1: Like you have this whole thing happening to you, and
Speaker 1: that can be that can be hard to go through,
Speaker 1: you know, where it's like everyone's like, oh, they're doing amazing.
Speaker 1: They were on Batchelor, everything's perfect, this is incredible. They
Speaker 1: can have any person they want blah blah blah blah blah,
Speaker 1: and it's like, no, you're still kind of the same
Speaker 1: person that's still working through these things, but now it's
Speaker 1: just amplified and you see like the sadness that happens
Speaker 1: to people when they lose it, because it's definitely yeah,
Speaker 1: well that's why you see some of the collapses sometimes
Speaker 1: too but so for you guys, So, on the most
Speaker 1: recent episode of almost thirty on your podcast, to kind
Speaker 1: of tie it back into what we're just talking about,
Speaker 1: you talked a little bit about how you can heal
Speaker 1: yourself after traumatic breakup. Right, So, what kind of advice
Speaker 1: would you have for our listeners? You know, obviously our
Speaker 1: listeners if you really want the inside scoop, go back
Speaker 1: and listen to Almost Dirty on on wherever you get
Speaker 1: your podcast. But what kind of tips would you have
Speaker 1: for someone that might be going through some sort of
Speaker 1: difficulty with a breakup or something like that. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: was really fascinating to talk to. Amy Chan was our
Speaker 1: guest for that one, and she wrote a breakup boot
Speaker 1: camp And you know, one one thing that really stuck
Speaker 1: out to me that she has done on her retreats
Speaker 1: for women who have experienced heartbreak was, um, write a
Speaker 1: letter of letting go. And I just think like having
Speaker 1: you know, it sounds kind of cheesy, but like having
Speaker 1: like a ritual around that is actually like very important
Speaker 1: and I think it can cut those energetic chords um
Speaker 1: more effectively rather than just like hoping it goes away.
Speaker 1: So um, just a few things she recommends to write
Speaker 1: down is um, you know, writing down your feelings without judgment,
Speaker 1: So like your feelings around that heartbreak, you know, are
Speaker 1: you angry, are you frustrated? Are you just really sad?
Speaker 1: Are you remorseful? Are you shameful? And not having any
Speaker 1: charge or judgment around that. UM. She also recommends um
Speaker 1: talking about the lessons that they Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about our posts that we posted. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: lessons that you learned, UM in the relationship. Because you know,
Speaker 1: if I look back on all the relationships that I've
Speaker 1: been I it kind of makes me smile because I'm like, Wow,
Speaker 1: I learned so much with these guys. And sometimes I'm
Speaker 1: like I wish I could just call them be like hey,
Speaker 1: thanks m thanks so much for teaching me this, UM,
Speaker 1: because it's true. You know, I really I believe. I
Speaker 1: believe in God. I believe in you know, that everyone
Speaker 1: is out to us as somewhat of a soul contract
Speaker 1: and for a reason. And so I think when you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone, especially a romantic one, there
Speaker 1: is just some work being done, you know, like however
Speaker 1: hard or easy it might be. UM, let me pull
Speaker 1: up that post. But if you have things to add
Speaker 1: from that episode. Yeah, my, so with her, it was
Speaker 1: really interesting to look at the effects on the brain,
Speaker 1: and I think we talked about that earlier, and what
Speaker 1: she mentioned was that we really have to do cold
Speaker 1: turkey with any communication or any um like watching them
Speaker 1: on social media or monitoring them. It's best if you
Speaker 1: just kind of cut it off because your brain has
Speaker 1: to sort of rewire from the oxytocin that you're receiving
Speaker 1: from that relationship. So cold turkey is really the best method. Um.
Speaker 1: And just before Lindsay finishes, my personal advice is just
Speaker 1: to really feel the feelings, like just allow yourself to
Speaker 1: fully be in the moment of your feelings and also
Speaker 1: see it as like a beautiful opportunity for you to
Speaker 1: just completely reshape who you are and like come out
Speaker 1: like swinging, as like the hottest, best version of yourself.
Speaker 1: However you want to express that. I've always loved breakups
Speaker 1: because I'm like, oh my god, now's my chance where
Speaker 1: I can like create my dream life. I have way
Speaker 1: more time, I have way more energy to focus on me.
Speaker 1: I have this like beautiful new road ahead of me
Speaker 1: that's only mine that I can create this like new
Speaker 1: life with all by myself. And I would just add
Speaker 1: to that that letting go letter. I really love this one.
Speaker 1: It's this is what I take accountability for, which you know,
Speaker 1: I think in the moment of a of a breakup
Speaker 1: or a heartbreak, it's like you don't really want to
Speaker 1: maybe declare, like what responsibility you have. It's you know,
Speaker 1: a relationship as a two way street, So what do
Speaker 1: you take responsibility for? Um? I think is an important
Speaker 1: part of the healing to see kind of what role
Speaker 1: that you played in the dynamic and can also help
Speaker 1: you as you move forward and also help you as
Speaker 1: you you know, whether it's in therapy or just do
Speaker 1: daily reflection or even bringing into your meditation. It's just
Speaker 1: a way in which I've been able to get to
Speaker 1: know myself a little bit better. No, I think that's
Speaker 1: great advice. And I mean I do similar things with
Speaker 1: breathing techniques. I've been getting more into taking fifteen minutes
Speaker 1: out of the day and trying to center myself UM,
Speaker 1: which is something I think we can all benefit from.
Speaker 1: But um, anyway, you guys are the best. Lindsay and Krista,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us today. Unfortunately, our
Speaker 1: time is up, but we would love to have you
Speaker 1: back on because I feel like we could talk to
Speaker 1: you for hours on end. Thanks for having us, Oh
Speaker 1: my god. Of course everybody listening, please check out the
Speaker 1: Almost Dirty podcast. If you haven't already, you can get
Speaker 1: it anywhere podcasts are now. Krista, I also know that
Speaker 1: you have a blog. It's Krista. Yes, it's kristin dot com.
Speaker 1: That old, that old, rusty blog. Um, yeah, what do
Speaker 1: we have going on? Um, yeah we do. We do
Speaker 1: our own separate stuff which is really fun. But within
Speaker 1: almost thirty actually, for your audience, I'm we're doing a
Speaker 1: I'm doing a pro gram called the Sacredness of Being Single,
Speaker 1: So anyone who finds themselves in that season of their life, Um,
Speaker 1: just from my experience, it was one of like deep transformation,
Speaker 1: and so I just want to support women. Um, we're
Speaker 1: experiencing that. I've talked to a lot of them over
Speaker 1: the years since I released an episode of the same name.
Speaker 1: So yeah, we're doing that starting starting in March. But yeah,
Speaker 1: almost thirty is just everything you need to support you
Speaker 1: in your evolution. So and then I'm sorry, what was
Speaker 1: the name of the in the new podcast you have
Speaker 1: coming out talking. So it's a it's actually a program.
Speaker 1: It's a six week program, UM small group where I'm
Speaker 1: just going to take women through um six weeks of
Speaker 1: just walking back to themselves, you know, reconnecting and just
Speaker 1: feeling really really confident and trusting and like where they
Speaker 1: are in their life, because I think we spend so
Speaker 1: much time when we're single wishing ourselves out of it
Speaker 1: and wanting to you know, find that person or feel
Speaker 1: just more complete, and so I just don't want people
Speaker 1: wasting enter the program. Yeah, So you can go to
Speaker 1: almost thirty dot com and we have more information there
Speaker 1: as well as on our instagram at almost thirty podcast.
Speaker 1: All right, great, check it out almost already podcasts, almost
Speaker 1: already website and the instagram. Everybody go check them out
Speaker 1: right now. Lindsay and Christa, thank you so much again.
Speaker 1: Thank you guys, Thank you guys. All right, everybody, welcome
Speaker 1: back to help I Suck at dating. Thank you for
Speaker 1: sticking with us this long. We are going to get
Speaker 1: to my personal favorite segment of the podcast every single week,
Speaker 1: the emails. Uh and if I'm not mistaken, we have
Speaker 1: the lovely Mark Maholnitzky did say that, right, no, but
Speaker 1: I'll take it. I like it like putting a hole
Speaker 1: in there. Okay, we don't. We don't need to get
Speaker 1: into the mispronunciation of that mark. What email do you
Speaker 1: have for us? Is well? I like this from Amanda Here,
Speaker 1: She says, I recently got into a new relationship, but
Speaker 1: I've noticed that my boyfriend gets very scorem me around
Speaker 1: the subject of periods anytime it naturally comes up. He
Speaker 1: immediately changed the subject. The other day, he was going
Speaker 1: to the store and they asked him to pick up
Speaker 1: some tampons for me, and he refused. He also will
Speaker 1: not be intimate with me at all when I'm on
Speaker 1: my period. Are all guys like this? There was this
Speaker 1: something to worry about. How do you guys feel about
Speaker 1: period sex? And what about picking up tampons and pads
Speaker 1: at the store for your girlfriend or your wife? I
Speaker 1: think Jared's got more experience with well, I think both
Speaker 1: of you guys have more experience with this than I do.
Speaker 1: So I'll let you take you want to know have
Speaker 1: you done this? Have you picked up lady products for
Speaker 1: your lady? I don't think I've picked them up. I've
Speaker 1: been with her in the grocery store when when she's
Speaker 1: picked him up so in in a you know, like
Speaker 1: a third party kind of way. Sure, Uh, it does
Speaker 1: not bother me in the least. I'm so over it.
Speaker 1: It's like, actually, now that we're trying to have kids,
Speaker 1: like we just have to have some conversations about you
Speaker 1: know that that that part of the the part of
Speaker 1: life that women have to go through. And uh there's
Speaker 1: you know, some shedding and some bleeding and you know
Speaker 1: that that's just what happens. And so as a guy,
Speaker 1: I think I've just become the accustomed to it. Have
Speaker 1: you guys talked about the mucus plug yet? Not yet,
Speaker 1: we haven't gone that far. Great something to look forward
Speaker 1: to at least. Yeah, that's a good tease for you. Um.
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is a red flag. I
Speaker 1: think hope. I'm hoping this guy will mature a little bit.
Speaker 1: He directs me as pretty young. But yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: think any I don't care about any of those things.
Speaker 1: I'm all in favor of everything you listed right there.
Speaker 1: It's all fine with me. I think will come around.
Speaker 1: And I'm a little concerned that if he doesn't come
Speaker 1: around when you do have a baby, what is he
Speaker 1: going to be in another county. I mean, that's a
Speaker 1: really serious situation. That's not even close to what you're
Speaker 1: talking about. So I don't know something to keep an
Speaker 1: eye on. I don't think it's a red flag. And no,
Speaker 1: all guys are not like that. No, I would say,
Speaker 1: like between me and ash like, I'm the one that
Speaker 1: deals with Lois. You know, our dogs vomit and poop
Speaker 1: and all that. She gets like, screw me about that,
Speaker 1: which makes me concerned. I'm like, are you gonna feel
Speaker 1: this way towards our kid? Are you not going to
Speaker 1: change diapers? Let me tell you something. My wife had
Speaker 1: serious in metaphobia before we had kids, which is the
Speaker 1: fear of vomiting and you don't want to be anywhere
Speaker 1: near it. And she warned me, when we have kids,
Speaker 1: you're dealing with vomit. I'm so sorry, I just can't.
Speaker 1: I said, fine, let's fine, no problem. When they become
Speaker 1: a mom, it all changes because those maternal lens things
Speaker 1: are so strong, overpowers every other fear they have. So
Speaker 1: the first time whatever kids puked, she was all over it,
Speaker 1: took care of it, didn't even think about it. So
Speaker 1: I think, actually, we'll be fine. That's great to hear. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so win for you. Please interject if you guys feel differently.
Speaker 1: I'm curious to hear your thoughts because I agree for
Speaker 1: the most part, but I don't agree in all things.
Speaker 1: Whereas let's say, you know, calin Is is having that
Speaker 1: that that that time of the month, right, and she's like, hey,
Speaker 1: I need to go to the story and get tampons.
Speaker 1: I would be like, absolutely, I'll be there. I'll be
Speaker 1: back in ten minutes. Whatever, whatever you need. I'm here
Speaker 1: for you. If you mean le freaking scratch your back
Speaker 1: while you're you know, you know, dealing with whatever you
Speaker 1: have to deal with, by all means, I'm right there
Speaker 1: with you. But the intimacy thing, I think is it's
Speaker 1: an okay thing to be a little hesitant, uh, to
Speaker 1: be intimate while that's going on as well, because while
Speaker 1: the first thing really only affects the woman all Amanda, uh,
Speaker 1: and the and the man is just kind of stepping into,
Speaker 1: you know, provide help if, if, and however he is
Speaker 1: able to, the intimacy thing kind of includes both of them,
Speaker 1: and so I think it's it's totally okay for him
Speaker 1: to kind of be a little bit more um, you know, uh,
Speaker 1: not concerned, but a little bit more abrace it to that.
Speaker 1: Then the other thing, is that wrong to think because
Speaker 1: I kind of think that in my opinion, that's you know,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say I would. I would perfectly like or
Speaker 1: definitely like say no to anything intimately during that time
Speaker 1: of the month, but I would be a little bit
Speaker 1: less receptive to the idea than I would normally be.
Speaker 1: Well to each their own, I think I also of
Speaker 1: the opinion that guys shouldn't be turning that down period period,
Speaker 1: whatever you can get it. Yeah, I'm thinking if that's
Speaker 1: made available, you should take advantage of situation. Because I
Speaker 1: also but for other reasons too, I always feel like
Speaker 1: it it messes with their head a little bit when
Speaker 1: you turn it down. Speaking very broadly and generally, I
Speaker 1: do feel like it. Um, it just seems to im
Speaker 1: pack more of a wallop when when a woman gets
Speaker 1: turned down. Guys that used to getting turned down, we're
Speaker 1: turned down. Our whole lives in that regard. We're used
Speaker 1: to it. It doesn't often go the other way, So,
Speaker 1: you know, but I understand what you're saying. I think
Speaker 1: that's that's not unreasonable. What you're saying I have no comment.
Speaker 1: That's good, Oh, come on, comment. It's just like I
Speaker 1: it's never bothered me. It really hasn't. I've been lucky
Speaker 1: that it hasn't bothered because I'm sure that it causes,
Speaker 1: like Mark said, some insecurity, some conversations that need to
Speaker 1: be had. I haven't had to have them because, like,
Speaker 1: it's just it's never been something that I'm grows grows
Speaker 1: out by. I also have never been inhibited by it.
Speaker 1: But I just want to at least make it clear
Speaker 1: that I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that
Speaker 1: they you know, they're a little hesitant to jump into
Speaker 1: something that maybe they're less familiar with, and you know,
Speaker 1: I don't I don't think that's necessarily as much of
Speaker 1: a red flag as not willing to pick They're not
Speaker 1: willing to pick up tampons, that's a red flag, but
Speaker 1: they're not willing to be intimate is a very you know,
Speaker 1: it's a light shade of pink. It's not quite as
Speaker 1: red it's it's just it's a little bit more understandable
Speaker 1: in my opinion. That's my take on. Its fair, that's fair,
Speaker 1: that's fair. Okay, alright, Anyways, that's gonna do it. We
Speaker 1: don't have a whole lot more time, so we can
Speaker 1: only get to one email, Amanda, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for emailing us. We we appreciate it. We hope that
Speaker 1: helps shed a little bit of light onto the situation
Speaker 1: that you might be dealing with. UM. Anyways, of course,
Speaker 1: thank you to Krista and Lindsay from Almost thirty. Be
Speaker 1: sure to check out their podcast wherever you subscribe to podcasts,
Speaker 1: and check out their h blogs as well. Jared, what
Speaker 1: else do you have for us? My friend? Thank you
Speaker 1: Dean for you being you. That's all I got. That's
Speaker 1: all I need. Hey, that's all I got as well.
Speaker 1: If that's all I need, that's all I got. So
Speaker 1: let's just let's keep this trained rolling. Mark, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for your for your wise words. As always, UM, Jared,
Speaker 1: you're the best. I will see you guys next week,
Speaker 1: where maybe we will suck just a little bit less.
Speaker 1: Follow help by Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to podcast