WEBVTT - Ep 337: Increase Can Come From Decrease ft. Kevin Kidd 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:10.000 Hey, hey, hey, we're back. 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.080 We're black, we're brown. 0:00:13.480 --> 0:00:18.880 Ambition, ambition, ambition, ambition, ambition. Normally I would say, hey, manager, 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:23.160 how are you? But unfortunately Mandy's out said today she's 0:00:23.200 --> 0:00:26.160 not feeling well, she's got to she actually lost her voice. 0:00:26.520 --> 0:00:28.440 But y'all got me. You know, I'm loud enough for 0:00:28.440 --> 0:00:32.240 the us, both of us. Well, I'm super excited because 0:00:32.360 --> 0:00:36.479 we have a special guest in studio today. If you 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:40.720 listen to our Baqa's which air on Fridays, literally mean 0:00:40.760 --> 0:00:41.400 that was a little rye. 0:00:41.520 --> 0:00:43.120 Baqa's airs on Fridays. 0:00:43.240 --> 0:00:47.080 You know that we answered a question from a gentleman 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:51.600 named mister Kid aka Kevin about concern he had about 0:00:51.600 --> 0:00:56.480 his wife maybe not taking a job that she was 0:00:56.520 --> 0:00:58.600 more than qualified for and why. 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:05.960 And so we got miss Kevin together, we are here, 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:09.319 I'm together, and his wife co signed. She was like, 0:01:09.360 --> 0:01:11.559 who said that? I didn't think that I was ready? 0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:14.880 I may not want to know it. And so it 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:15.480 was awesome. 0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:18.880 And so we actually invited Kevin to come chat with 0:01:18.959 --> 0:01:22.360 us today so we could talk money and relationships and 0:01:22.640 --> 0:01:26.200 career and relationships and just all things, you know, So welcome, Kevin. 0:01:26.240 --> 0:01:26.720 How are you? 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:31.960 I'm doing fantastic, fantastic, I get to defend myself, okay, 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:36.080 because listening to y'all have me afraid for my life. 0:01:36.240 --> 0:01:39.040 As I listened to that podcast, I was like everything 0:01:39.120 --> 0:01:41.800 I see, I was in love and I'm listening back 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:43.720 like like that. 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:47.119 So maybe for those who didn't you know, didn't get 0:01:47.120 --> 0:01:48.960 a chance to listen to that BAQ and we should 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:50.960 put the link. I'm gonna ask you MANI, our producer, 0:01:51.000 --> 0:01:53.320 to put the link to that episode in the show note, 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:55.520 so you guys can listen, but maybe just give us 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:58.560 a brief overview of like what, what why you wrote 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:00.840 in and what happened after? 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:04.040 Yeah, okay, well, first let me just tell you I 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:07.840 really discovered you ladies listening to Cumulus Radio and those 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:12.519 wonderful commercials y'all were doing on Cumulus. And I was 0:02:12.560 --> 0:02:15.120 scrolling through Facebook one day and I saw the budget 0:02:15.160 --> 0:02:21.359 Neasta reads DR, and as a DR devotee, I was like, well, 0:02:21.440 --> 0:02:23.760 let me go see what she's us saying about my 0:02:23.840 --> 0:02:26.680 boy DR. And I listened in and I was like, 0:02:26.919 --> 0:02:30.520 nothing she said was off base or you know, she 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:33.280 made valid points, and then I just got hooked from there. 0:02:33.960 --> 0:02:36.160 And in terms of that letter, though. 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:40.440 You know how your spouse comes homes and they complain 0:02:40.520 --> 0:02:44.120 about work every day. Anybody ever have that, Like every 0:02:44.200 --> 0:02:46.360 day there's a complaint like they should do this, they 0:02:46.360 --> 0:02:49.519 should do that, they should do this. And that particular day, 0:02:50.600 --> 0:02:52.600 I was sitting right where I'm sitting right now, and 0:02:52.680 --> 0:02:54.760 I had just had enough. I was like, I need 0:02:54.800 --> 0:03:00.360 help because this isn't a toxic job. This isn't, you know, 0:03:01.880 --> 0:03:05.720 an overly stressful workplace. This is a place that loves her, 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:10.160 adores her, wants her to do the best. And I 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:12.959 was just confused, like, why aren't you taking this money? 0:03:13.000 --> 0:03:14.960 They are literally throwing money at you. 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:15.560 Take it. 0:03:16.320 --> 0:03:18.560 And when she didn't take it, I said I need 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:20.239 some help. And that's when I wrote into it. 0:03:20.360 --> 0:03:21.440 So what was that? 0:03:21.520 --> 0:03:21.600 Right? 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:23.240 What do we tell you? Kevin? What do we what 0:03:23.280 --> 0:03:25.040 do we? What we have we had said to you 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:27.480 to make you say all right? 0:03:27.520 --> 0:03:28.600 So let's go through it. 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:34.800 So first, Kevin is a very common name, man, and 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:36.880 if you recall, you were like, Kevin, I know you're 0:03:36.880 --> 0:03:42.360 not using your real baby. But then from there, y'all 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:46.200 gave me some of the most transformative advice. You know, 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:50.560 my marriage has leveled up. I'm not using hyperbocly. I'm 0:03:50.600 --> 0:03:55.840 not speaking, you know, in exaggerations. We literally met leveled 0:03:55.920 --> 0:04:00.520 up because the advice was one, shut up and listen, right, 0:04:01.520 --> 0:04:06.560 And then two the advice was understand that some people 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:12.480 know that enough is enough for them, right. And listening 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:16.320 to you talk about your experience with your husband, Jirelle 0:04:17.040 --> 0:04:20.479 it resonated so much with me because you were like, 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:22.039 I was like, he needs to go get it and 0:04:22.080 --> 0:04:24.080 he can be that's me, that's me. 0:04:24.200 --> 0:04:26.040 I'm like, Tina, come on, they can do this, they 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:28.159 can do that. You can do this, You'll run the 0:04:28.160 --> 0:04:33.240 whole department, right, And she's just like, no, I'm good. Right. 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:39.200 So from there, you guys really leaned in on talking 0:04:39.240 --> 0:04:42.920 to me about how my wife could be a. 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:44.080 Role model already. 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:48.599 And that's why I really wanted to confront Mandra because 0:04:48.680 --> 0:04:50.320 I thought she was gonna get me killed. 0:04:51.960 --> 0:04:55.520 Because the fact that like, you know, you know, her 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:59.039 taking this like higher level position, you know, would you know, 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:02.520 would just increase would she was that she would be 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:04.800 a role model to you or you have a daughter, right? 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:06.440 And then so many yes. 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:10.239 And because we can all go about what you right now, Kevin, 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:13.960 you know what I'm saying we can't remind and thought 0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:18.680 some players, and so Mandy was said that you know 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:21.680 that basically your wife as she is is already a 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:23.400 role model. She doesn't need to have a big, fancy 0:05:23.480 --> 0:05:25.240 job in order to do so. I know that wasn't 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:28.119 your intention, obviously, we know you know, but I wanted 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:30.160 to It's because when we just know that when we're 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:33.400 answering these letters, Kevin, it's not just for the person 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:36.200 writing in. It's for the whole of the audience who 0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:39.839 might be you know, thinking, you know, thinking that you 0:05:39.880 --> 0:05:43.719 know that like somehow that just because you can do 0:05:43.839 --> 0:05:47.040 something means that you ought to you know, that more 0:05:47.120 --> 0:05:50.120 is more, or thinking that you know, I ought to 0:05:50.160 --> 0:05:53.240 do something so that way my children can then look 0:05:53.320 --> 0:05:55.919 up to me. And we want to dispel those things. 0:05:55.920 --> 0:05:57.440 You know, we weren't trying to get on you. Well 0:05:57.440 --> 0:05:59.200 we were a little bit, but we weren't trying to 0:05:59.240 --> 0:06:01.359 fully get on you because we also wanted to say, like, 0:06:01.640 --> 0:06:03.920 you know, let's dispell that you have to do. You know, 0:06:04.120 --> 0:06:05.480 you could be a stay at home mom and a 0:06:05.560 --> 0:06:07.960 role model. You can be a teacher in a role model, 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:10.760 you can be you know, a president in a role model. 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:12.240 You know, but it doesn't. 0:06:12.400 --> 0:06:16.159 Being a role model is not about these external validating things, 0:06:16.240 --> 0:06:18.640 you know, It's really about how you navigate as a 0:06:18.640 --> 0:06:19.400 person through life. 0:06:19.440 --> 0:06:21.320 And so we just wanted to make that clear. 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:23.720 So and thank you for saying that. 0:06:23.880 --> 0:06:29.680 And again I was specifically talking about in relation to negotiations, 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:34.560 and but when you guys read it, I heard it 0:06:34.640 --> 0:06:39.920 in a whole different light, and I began immediately apologizing, uh, 0:06:40.839 --> 0:06:44.440 buying flowers by. 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:48.120 You know, but I'm she liked the flowers and the kid. 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:55.840 My wife, do you know? Okay, No, she's not here yet, 0:06:56.040 --> 0:06:59.599 so thank God because he probably right now. 0:07:00.320 --> 0:07:05.640 Well, she did finally listen to the episodes, and I 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:09.960 think after I wrote that second letter follow up where 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:13.840 I was talking about how transformative your advice was, I 0:07:13.960 --> 0:07:17.520 note she listened because she started treating me so much better. 0:07:18.040 --> 0:07:20.960 I mean, I just felt like a king. 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:26.320 And let me say again for the record, she's beautiful, gorgeous, 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:29.720 ten times smarter than me, and a gift from God. 0:07:29.920 --> 0:07:34.120 I have my soul mat Okay, so but yeah, and 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:36.480 then when I had written in for that second letter, 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:38.480 it took me a while. So it took me about 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:40.600 a month to send something back because we had some 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:45.200 real transformative conversations. I mean, because think about it, how 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:47.880 many spouses out there feel the same way I did, 0:07:48.040 --> 0:07:51.160 Like if you would just if you would just do this, 0:07:51.320 --> 0:07:55.160 if you would just do that, and just by being 0:07:55.200 --> 0:07:58.600 able to listen and really listen, not listening to tell 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:03.520 her what to do, but listen to here, Oh, this 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:05.440 is what you've been trying to say to me for 0:08:05.480 --> 0:08:09.000 the past six months, Like I don't feel comfortable in 0:08:09.040 --> 0:08:13.640 my role, I missed my supervisor who left. I'm really 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:17.800 ready for a change, right, And that's when we started 0:08:17.840 --> 0:08:23.480 talking and I started really listening and asking questions about 0:08:23.560 --> 0:08:27.840 what do you want, what's out there, what's possible? And 0:08:27.920 --> 0:08:32.160 so let me just tell you this. The laughter that 0:08:32.200 --> 0:08:37.080 you two had on my second letter still warms my 0:08:37.240 --> 0:08:40.520 heart to this day to know that I can bring 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:43.400 out so much joy. 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:48.600 And I wrote because the letter was like, Hi ladies, 0:08:48.840 --> 0:08:51.720 let me open with saying, how wonderful beautiful maze. We 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:55.480 said that that Miss Tina was standing over Kevin showed like, yeah, wonderful, 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:58.640 beautiful write that down, No beautiful put that. So we 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:01.160 were just teasing that that she coached him on the 0:09:01.200 --> 0:09:03.439 letter be like, uh, huh, go ahead on and tell 0:09:03.480 --> 0:09:05.520 the ladies how amazing I am. I know we were 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:08.520 just teasing, but shared the aftermath. So you said that, 0:09:09.440 --> 0:09:11.880 you know it'll allows you to take a step back 0:09:11.920 --> 0:09:16.360 and rethink about you know, what it is that how 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:18.800 you were navigating with your wife, and and so like, 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:21.480 what one, what are some core lessons you learn and 0:09:21.520 --> 0:09:23.120 what's the aftermath of those lessons? 0:09:23.360 --> 0:09:28.960 Okay, So the biggest lesson I learned is figuring out 0:09:29.080 --> 0:09:34.920 what environment your spouse is comfortable advancing it Because the 0:09:34.960 --> 0:09:37.400 thing about I learned about my wife is when she 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:41.640 has a great supervisor who she feels supports her and 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:45.559 can help her navigate, she'll jump into those roles. 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:46.720 But when she. 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:52.040 Doesn't have that, no amount of money, no amount of praise, 0:09:52.440 --> 0:09:54.680 nothing is going to get her to step in there 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:59.520 because she wants that support. And you know, just thinking 0:09:59.520 --> 0:10:02.320 about spouse is going through this with me because you 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:04.160 get so frustrated. 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:05.720 Because I grew up in that area. 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:08.320 If your boss offers you money, you take it right 0:10:08.720 --> 0:10:11.200 and you just work your way up. But for a 0:10:11.200 --> 0:10:14.280 lot of people, like you said, enough is enough and 0:10:14.320 --> 0:10:20.080 they're grown but learning, all right, what is it that 0:10:20.160 --> 0:10:22.920 will make them move. And here's the question I have 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:27.800 for you, because there's a difference for me in knowing 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:33.520 when your spouse has enough and knowing when something's wrong. Right, 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:36.680 And I think for me in this situation, I knew 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:40.199 something was wrong, I just didn't know how to get 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:43.400 to it and help her. And so I was curious 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:46.720 about your thoughts on the difference between the two of those, 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:50.240 like knowing when they have enough and knowing really when 0:10:50.280 --> 0:10:50.959 something's wrong. 0:10:51.040 --> 0:10:54.160 One of the things I learned being with Charel for 0:10:54.160 --> 0:10:57.240 a number of years is that for both he and 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:02.800 I is that sometimes even just asking the question are 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:05.160 you are you just wanting to share or. 0:11:05.160 --> 0:11:06.439 Are you looking for feedback? 0:11:07.040 --> 0:11:09.360 You know, it's it's okay to ask that clarifying question 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:10.960 because sometimes I just want to rant. 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:12.280 I'm not looking for you to fix it. 0:11:13.120 --> 0:11:16.559 Oftentimes, if you're in a you know, a male female relationship, 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:19.080 men tend to want to fix, you know, and it's like, 0:11:19.160 --> 0:11:21.880 now I'm just I'm just talking, you know, like I 0:11:21.920 --> 0:11:23.960 just want you to listen, I'm gonna fix it, you know. 0:11:25.120 --> 0:11:30.320 You know, So asking that clarifying question, but also bigger 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:33.360 than like you kind of going into kind of save 0:11:33.400 --> 0:11:36.679 the day, is the safer the environment that you create 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:40.840 for anyone to like be able to share, whether it's 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:45.880 your child, your bestie, your spouse, whomever. Creating a super 0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:49.719 safe environment, they will come to you, you know. But 0:11:49.760 --> 0:11:52.160 also you also have to acknowledge it's not your job 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:56.200 to fix it, you know, like not for adults, you know. 0:11:56.240 --> 0:11:58.079 And it's hard because I'm a fixer too. 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:00.440 You know, I'm like, well, what's want we we could 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:02.280 do it, and it's like, it's really not my job 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:04.960 to fix it. It's my job to create a super 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:07.960 safe environment where this person feels comfortable coming. 0:12:07.760 --> 0:12:08.839 To me for anything. 0:12:09.679 --> 0:12:12.079 And if they ask for help, and certainly you could offer, 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:14.000 you know, is this something you like me to help 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:17.640 you with? You know, if they say no, allowing them 0:12:17.679 --> 0:12:19.480 to figure it out on their own, but always letting 0:12:19.480 --> 0:12:21.280 them know the light is still on. If ever you're 0:12:21.280 --> 0:12:23.199 wanting my help on this, I'm here. I know it 0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:25.800 could be hard to watch people struggle on their own, 0:12:26.040 --> 0:12:29.680 but that is a human existence, right, Like you are 0:12:29.840 --> 0:12:33.439 in charge of your journey and path and so so 0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:35.560 that's what I just say that, like, you know, creating 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:38.160 a safe environment, and you have to reaffirm that environment 0:12:38.200 --> 0:12:40.240 you can't just say it once. It's like and it's 0:12:40.240 --> 0:12:43.560 not just saying it, it's it's doing it. Because a 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:46.440 safe environment looks like this, Like let's just say, you know, 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:49.880 for example, parents a child, if I tell my mom, 0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:51.720 you know, when I'm a kid or a teenager, like, 0:12:51.760 --> 0:12:53.640 you know, I was out with my friends and they 0:12:53.640 --> 0:12:55.800 started smoking, they were smoking, would you smoke it up? 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.920 I already know I can't talk enough, you know. But 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:00.960 if I'm like, I was not my mom and you 0:13:00.960 --> 0:13:03.680 know they were smoking, okay, and you know they asked 0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:05.800 me to smoke, okay, but I didn't want to, but 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:08.280 I'm not really sure how to. You see, Like it's 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:11.080 it's like what you don't say oftentimes it's not just 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:14.080 what you do say. So creating that environment where it's like, okay, well, 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:17.160 whenever I tell Kevin something, it's a safe space to 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:19.920 just share and if I do need help, he's there. 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:22.080 And when I don't need help, he doesn't force help 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:24.400 on me. This is a safe space. I think that's 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:26.440 the best thing you could do in a relationship that 0:13:26.559 --> 0:13:28.520 Drone I got really good at that right before he 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.520 passed away, which is like really creating a super safe 0:13:31.600 --> 0:13:35.199 environment where you could share anything you know and not 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:38.800 feel like the other person was going to get angry 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:41.760 with you, judge you, or try to wrestle away control and. 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:42.280 Fix it for you. 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:46.160 Wow, it's interesting because that's the space we got into. 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:49.439 And that's why I felt my marriage leveled up, because 0:13:49.480 --> 0:13:52.120 you know, it put us into that old marriage advice 0:13:52.240 --> 0:13:55.120 about fix it, feel it, or forget it. You know, 0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:58.240 that's something someone told me a long time ago. Ask 0:13:58.280 --> 0:14:01.240 your wife, literally, do you want me to fix it? 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:03.440 Do you just want me to feel your pain? Or 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:05.679 do you want me to just listen, let you rent 0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:08.800 and forget it. And in this space, she really wanted 0:14:08.840 --> 0:14:12.440 me to feel her frustration. And I was able to 0:14:12.559 --> 0:14:16.000 listen and listen with an open mind and not answers 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:19.360 like you said, not fixing. And what we began to 0:14:19.400 --> 0:14:23.840 talk about is, Okay, I've got you. So we're well 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:26.760 enough in life that if you are so stressed out 0:14:26.760 --> 0:14:29.360 that you need to step away, I've got you. 0:14:29.760 --> 0:14:30.760 We're well enough. 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:32.560 That if you need to find another job with a 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:36.800 pay cut just for your happiness, I've got you. And 0:14:37.520 --> 0:14:41.640 that really resonated with her, And just to show you how. 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:42.480 Good God is. 0:14:44.240 --> 0:14:49.000 Just man that follow up was in August. I think 0:14:49.000 --> 0:14:53.560 it was September. She started getting calls about new jobs. 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:59.000 She interviewed, and she got hired in a new job 0:15:00.400 --> 0:15:04.320 on October thirty first, making more money because she's happy. 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:08.400 She's coming home talking about all the great stuff at 0:15:08.440 --> 0:15:13.040 work rather than a pop or complaining and just to 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:17.080 see that smile on her face. Because again, my letter 0:15:17.240 --> 0:15:20.360 was really about my wife is hurting and I don't 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:21.280 know how to help her. 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:24.080 Please help me help her. 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:28.200 And you, ladies, I can't even tell you how grateful 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:31.280 I am, because honestly, I'm gonna be honest. We have 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:37.760 we had a great marriage. I mean, like outstanding. To 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:41.400 hear that advice and see what it has done to 0:15:41.520 --> 0:15:45.160 us and taking us to another level is just mind bowing. 0:15:45.720 --> 0:15:46.960 Thank you so much love that. 0:15:47.080 --> 0:15:49.680 Like I say that, like I was just talking to 0:15:49.720 --> 0:15:53.280 a friend of mine who is struggling in his marriage, 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:57.520 and we were just talking, and you know, he was 0:15:57.560 --> 0:16:00.440 just asking me, like, how did you manage to grow 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:02.280 from you know, because I told him I was like, 0:16:02.280 --> 0:16:04.080 but by the time d passed away, we had elevated 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:07.280 from good to great in our marriage. And I said, well, 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:10.480 a few things in the beginning certainly. It's it's it's 0:16:10.760 --> 0:16:12.280 a bit of a struggle. It's like dancing on the 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:14.360 dance floor with a new dance partner. You're like stepping 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:16.680 on each other's toes. You're not really sure what's the 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:18.520 beat You're gonna left you all right, like you know. 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:20.480 So it's a little bit of a and sometimes people 0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:25.560 mistake that initial kind of like awkwardness for we must 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:27.640 not meant to be meant to be together. And it 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:29.480 might be that you know, you might have the wrong 0:16:29.560 --> 0:16:31.680 dance partner, but it could just be you have to 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:34.440 find the beat and the rhythm, you know, and. 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:39.120 So yes, in your own rhythm. Because I will attest 0:16:39.160 --> 0:16:42.040 to that because early in our marriage we would argue 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:48.800 over my mama said towels that way, and it was like, okay, wow, 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:52.200 we going, I said. 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:54.640 When Jarrelle and I decided, like maybe it's like a 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:56.400 year and a half in, I said, you know, baby, 0:16:56.720 --> 0:16:59.760 let's let's make a pack that we come up with 0:16:59.760 --> 0:17:03.760 our rules, rules that we keep just between us. We're 0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:06.160 not sharing them with our family, friends, sister, cousin, mother. 0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:09.239 We make up our own rules for our relationship and 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:11.840 that's what we abide by. And it was so great 0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:14.280 and freeing, because you know, it's not like my well 0:17:14.280 --> 0:17:15.720 my girlfriend said we shouldn't do it like that. 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:16.640 My nope, nope, nope. 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:19.840 It was like, these are our rules, and if ever 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:21.840 we wanted to change them, it's just me and you 0:17:21.920 --> 0:17:24.760 that have to be to get consensus. All right, Kevin, 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:27.520 hold that thought real quick, because we're going to break 0:17:27.520 --> 0:17:30.879 for commercial and we're to come right back. Isn't this 0:17:30.920 --> 0:17:33.199 such a great conversation, you know it is set us 0:17:33.240 --> 0:17:37.080 a tweet at Brianna vission the budget. He's the Mandy money. 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:39.160 If you're loving this conversation, we'll be back in a moment. 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:43.040 That was the key. We had to get consensus, and 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:45.199 so we started making up rules. We had rules of 0:17:45.280 --> 0:17:48.800 disagreement even for example, if we disagree, how do we. 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:50.840 Want that to go? So we had a few rules 0:17:50.880 --> 0:17:51.040 for that. 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:52.760 It was like one So I grew up in a 0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:57.080 yelling household, and so like what it was like no yelling? 0:17:57.440 --> 0:18:02.200 I was like, okay, fine, I guess right too. Jarrell 0:18:02.280 --> 0:18:03.359 had a kind of a party mouth. I mean, he 0:18:03.400 --> 0:18:04.560 grew up in the hood, so he would just in 0:18:04.600 --> 0:18:07.399 common conversation be like this mother, EPI said, can you 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:11.119 believe that dab, which was fine in general conversation, but 0:18:11.200 --> 0:18:15.280 I told him, when we're in disagreement, like, cursing sounds crazy. 0:18:15.680 --> 0:18:17.240 So you know, even though you might not be here 0:18:17.480 --> 0:18:20.080 at me, that's what it feels like. So I was like, 0:18:20.119 --> 0:18:21.959 so E raised that from your memory when we're when 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:24.680 So for me, it was no cursing even if you're 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:26.919 not you know, like he wouldn't curse at me, but like, 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:29.280 you know, like I said, his normal cadence would just 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:30.680 be like, you know, he's gonna slip in a curse 0:18:30.720 --> 0:18:32.480 here and there, right, So I'm like, but not, we're 0:18:32.480 --> 0:18:33.679 in this when we're in disagreement. 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:35.160 So he both said okay. 0:18:35.520 --> 0:18:36.119 No, okay. 0:18:36.640 --> 0:18:38.920 And the third one of which was the hold. 0:18:38.720 --> 0:18:44.560 That transformed our relationship, is that we created a safe word. 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:47.280 And the safe word for us was pineapples. 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.159 And that was when we had went from like if 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:53.399 a disagreement went from helpful to hurtful, you know what 0:18:53.520 --> 0:18:56.399 that goes, you know, when you're like, you're just trying 0:18:56.400 --> 0:19:00.359 to win at this point, and so our so we 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:04.120 came up with this word pineapples, and it was for 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:07.959 if I felt like or he felt like, you know, 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:11.000 you're getting to a place where it's not healthy anymore. 0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:12.920 Because sometimes, like let's just say, if I'm in the 0:19:13.520 --> 0:19:15.120 I'm about to get him good. I'm about to get 0:19:15.200 --> 0:19:18.760 him good. He'll be like pineapples, right, and I'm like, 0:19:18.840 --> 0:19:22.639 what pineapples mean? Everything stops, no more talking. You go 0:19:22.720 --> 0:19:25.840 on stairs, I go downstairs. We separate, you know, And 0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:27.840 it would be it was so frustrating in the beginning 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:29.359 because I'm like, oh, we only did that because I 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:32.520 was about to win, you know, and so and so 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:34.240 I remember one time I didn't want to I didn't 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:36.160 want to respect pineapples. He said, oh, we not respect 0:19:36.200 --> 0:19:38.000 the pineapples because when. 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:38.440 You need it. 0:19:39.240 --> 0:19:41.240 But when I tell you, it was so helpful because 0:19:41.240 --> 0:19:44.199 what it did was it was like a shock to 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:46.639 the system to say, what do you what are you doing? 0:19:47.480 --> 0:19:49.720 This is the person that you love. You're about to 0:19:49.720 --> 0:19:54.200 say something hurtful and harmful. And so it made us stop. 0:19:54.240 --> 0:19:56.879 And we had gotten so good at it that we 0:19:56.920 --> 0:19:59.359 didn't even have to say pineapples anymore. The year he 0:19:59.400 --> 0:20:04.800 passed away, it was I would internally self correct, you 0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:05.360 know what I mean. 0:20:05.400 --> 0:20:06.520 So we got to the point, like my. 0:20:06.480 --> 0:20:08.480 Sister lived with us for like almost two years and 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:09.840 she was like, do you guys ever argue? 0:20:10.000 --> 0:20:10.919 And we really didn't. 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:13.800 We had never We didn't let it escalate because we 0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:16.760 got trained that muscle of is this hurtful? 0:20:16.880 --> 0:20:17.479 Is this helpful? 0:20:17.880 --> 0:20:18.080 You know? 0:20:18.119 --> 0:20:19.720 But I would always tell him, and for those of 0:20:19.720 --> 0:20:19.960 you in. 0:20:20.040 --> 0:20:23.359 Relationships, just even like you know, with your kids or whomever, 0:20:23.720 --> 0:20:25.960 we would always remind ourselves that, like I would visualize 0:20:25.960 --> 0:20:28.680 that we were wearing the same jersey, you know, like, 0:20:28.880 --> 0:20:31.119 so if I have on the Bulls jersey and you 0:20:31.119 --> 0:20:33.040