Speaker 1: Hey, hey, hey, we're back.
Speaker 2: We're black, we're brown.
Speaker 1: Ambition, ambition, ambition, ambition, ambition. Normally I would say, hey, manager,
Speaker 1: how are you? But unfortunately Mandy's out said today she's
Speaker 1: not feeling well, she's got to she actually lost her voice.
Speaker 1: But y'all got me. You know, I'm loud enough for
Speaker 1: the us, both of us. Well, I'm super excited because
Speaker 1: we have a special guest in studio today. If you
Speaker 1: listen to our Baqa's which air on Fridays, literally mean
Speaker 1: that was a little rye.
Speaker 2: Baqa's airs on Fridays.
Speaker 1: You know that we answered a question from a gentleman
Speaker 1: named mister Kid aka Kevin about concern he had about
Speaker 1: his wife maybe not taking a job that she was
Speaker 1: more than qualified for and why.
Speaker 2: And so we got miss Kevin together, we are here,
Speaker 2: I'm together, and his wife co signed. She was like,
Speaker 2: who said that? I didn't think that I was ready?
Speaker 2: I may not want to know it. And so it
Speaker 2: was awesome.
Speaker 1: And so we actually invited Kevin to come chat with
Speaker 1: us today so we could talk money and relationships and
Speaker 1: career and relationships and just all things, you know, So welcome, Kevin.
Speaker 2: How are you?
Speaker 3: I'm doing fantastic, fantastic, I get to defend myself, okay,
Speaker 3: because listening to y'all have me afraid for my life.
Speaker 3: As I listened to that podcast, I was like everything
Speaker 3: I see, I was in love and I'm listening back
Speaker 3: like like that.
Speaker 1: So maybe for those who didn't you know, didn't get
Speaker 1: a chance to listen to that BAQ and we should
Speaker 1: put the link. I'm gonna ask you MANI, our producer,
Speaker 1: to put the link to that episode in the show note,
Speaker 1: so you guys can listen, but maybe just give us
Speaker 1: a brief overview of like what, what why you wrote
Speaker 1: in and what happened after?
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, well, first let me just tell you I
Speaker 3: really discovered you ladies listening to Cumulus Radio and those
Speaker 3: wonderful commercials y'all were doing on Cumulus. And I was
Speaker 3: scrolling through Facebook one day and I saw the budget
Speaker 3: Neasta reads DR, and as a DR devotee, I was like, well,
Speaker 3: let me go see what she's us saying about my
Speaker 3: boy DR. And I listened in and I was like,
Speaker 3: nothing she said was off base or you know, she
Speaker 3: made valid points, and then I just got hooked from there.
Speaker 4: And in terms of that letter, though.
Speaker 3: You know how your spouse comes homes and they complain
Speaker 3: about work every day. Anybody ever have that, Like every
Speaker 3: day there's a complaint like they should do this, they
Speaker 3: should do that, they should do this. And that particular day,
Speaker 3: I was sitting right where I'm sitting right now, and
Speaker 3: I had just had enough. I was like, I need
Speaker 3: help because this isn't a toxic job. This isn't, you know,
Speaker 3: an overly stressful workplace. This is a place that loves her,
Speaker 3: adores her, wants her to do the best. And I
Speaker 3: was just confused, like, why aren't you taking this money?
Speaker 3: They are literally throwing money at you.
Speaker 4: Take it.
Speaker 3: And when she didn't take it, I said I need
Speaker 3: some help. And that's when I wrote into it.
Speaker 2: So what was that?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 2: What do we tell you? Kevin? What do we what
Speaker 2: do we? What we have we had said to you
Speaker 2: to make you say all right?
Speaker 4: So let's go through it.
Speaker 3: So first, Kevin is a very common name, man, and
Speaker 3: if you recall, you were like, Kevin, I know you're
Speaker 3: not using your real baby. But then from there, y'all
Speaker 3: gave me some of the most transformative advice. You know,
Speaker 3: my marriage has leveled up. I'm not using hyperbocly. I'm
Speaker 3: not speaking, you know, in exaggerations. We literally met leveled
Speaker 3: up because the advice was one, shut up and listen, right,
Speaker 3: And then two the advice was understand that some people
Speaker 3: know that enough is enough for them, right. And listening
Speaker 3: to you talk about your experience with your husband, Jirelle
Speaker 3: it resonated so much with me because you were like,
Speaker 3: I was like, he needs to go get it and
Speaker 3: he can be that's me, that's me.
Speaker 4: I'm like, Tina, come on, they can do this, they
Speaker 4: can do that. You can do this, You'll run the
Speaker 4: whole department, right, And she's just like, no, I'm good. Right.
Speaker 3: So from there, you guys really leaned in on talking
Speaker 3: to me about how my wife could be a.
Speaker 4: Role model already.
Speaker 3: And that's why I really wanted to confront Mandra because
Speaker 3: I thought she was gonna get me killed.
Speaker 1: Because the fact that like, you know, you know, her
Speaker 1: taking this like higher level position, you know, would you know,
Speaker 1: would just increase would she was that she would be
Speaker 1: a role model to you or you have a daughter, right?
Speaker 2: And then so many yes.
Speaker 1: And because we can all go about what you right now, Kevin,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying we can't remind and thought
Speaker 1: some players, and so Mandy was said that you know
Speaker 1: that basically your wife as she is is already a
Speaker 1: role model. She doesn't need to have a big, fancy
Speaker 1: job in order to do so. I know that wasn't
Speaker 1: your intention, obviously, we know you know, but I wanted
Speaker 1: to It's because when we just know that when we're
Speaker 1: answering these letters, Kevin, it's not just for the person
Speaker 1: writing in. It's for the whole of the audience who
Speaker 1: might be you know, thinking, you know, thinking that you
Speaker 1: know that like somehow that just because you can do
Speaker 1: something means that you ought to you know, that more
Speaker 1: is more, or thinking that you know, I ought to
Speaker 1: do something so that way my children can then look
Speaker 1: up to me. And we want to dispel those things.
Speaker 1: You know, we weren't trying to get on you. Well
Speaker 1: we were a little bit, but we weren't trying to
Speaker 1: fully get on you because we also wanted to say, like,
Speaker 1: you know, let's dispell that you have to do. You know,
Speaker 1: you could be a stay at home mom and a
Speaker 1: role model. You can be a teacher in a role model,
Speaker 1: you can be you know, a president in a role model.
Speaker 2: You know, but it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Being a role model is not about these external validating things,
Speaker 1: you know, It's really about how you navigate as a
Speaker 1: person through life.
Speaker 2: And so we just wanted to make that clear.
Speaker 4: So and thank you for saying that.
Speaker 3: And again I was specifically talking about in relation to negotiations,
Speaker 3: and but when you guys read it, I heard it
Speaker 3: in a whole different light, and I began immediately apologizing, uh,
Speaker 3: buying flowers by.
Speaker 2: You know, but I'm she liked the flowers and the kid.
Speaker 4: My wife, do you know? Okay, No, she's not here yet,
Speaker 4: so thank God because he probably right now.
Speaker 3: Well, she did finally listen to the episodes, and I
Speaker 3: think after I wrote that second letter follow up where
Speaker 3: I was talking about how transformative your advice was, I
Speaker 3: note she listened because she started treating me so much better.
Speaker 4: I mean, I just felt like a king.
Speaker 3: And let me say again for the record, she's beautiful, gorgeous,
Speaker 3: ten times smarter than me, and a gift from God.
Speaker 3: I have my soul mat Okay, so but yeah, and
Speaker 3: then when I had written in for that second letter,
Speaker 3: it took me a while. So it took me about
Speaker 3: a month to send something back because we had some
Speaker 3: real transformative conversations. I mean, because think about it, how
Speaker 3: many spouses out there feel the same way I did,
Speaker 3: Like if you would just if you would just do this,
Speaker 3: if you would just do that, and just by being
Speaker 3: able to listen and really listen, not listening to tell
Speaker 3: her what to do, but listen to here, Oh, this
Speaker 3: is what you've been trying to say to me for
Speaker 3: the past six months, Like I don't feel comfortable in
Speaker 3: my role, I missed my supervisor who left. I'm really
Speaker 3: ready for a change, right, And that's when we started
Speaker 3: talking and I started really listening and asking questions about
Speaker 3: what do you want, what's out there, what's possible? And
Speaker 3: so let me just tell you this. The laughter that
Speaker 3: you two had on my second letter still warms my
Speaker 3: heart to this day to know that I can bring
Speaker 3: out so much joy.
Speaker 1: And I wrote because the letter was like, Hi ladies,
Speaker 1: let me open with saying, how wonderful beautiful maze. We
Speaker 1: said that that Miss Tina was standing over Kevin showed like, yeah, wonderful,
Speaker 1: beautiful write that down, No beautiful put that. So we
Speaker 1: were just teasing that that she coached him on the
Speaker 1: letter be like, uh, huh, go ahead on and tell
Speaker 1: the ladies how amazing I am. I know we were
Speaker 1: just teasing, but shared the aftermath. So you said that,
Speaker 1: you know it'll allows you to take a step back
Speaker 1: and rethink about you know, what it is that how
Speaker 1: you were navigating with your wife, and and so like,
Speaker 1: what one, what are some core lessons you learn and
Speaker 1: what's the aftermath of those lessons?
Speaker 3: Okay, So the biggest lesson I learned is figuring out
Speaker 3: what environment your spouse is comfortable advancing it Because the
Speaker 3: thing about I learned about my wife is when she
Speaker 3: has a great supervisor who she feels supports her and
Speaker 3: can help her navigate, she'll jump into those roles.
Speaker 4: But when she.
Speaker 3: Doesn't have that, no amount of money, no amount of praise,
Speaker 3: nothing is going to get her to step in there
Speaker 3: because she wants that support. And you know, just thinking
Speaker 3: about spouse is going through this with me because you
Speaker 3: get so frustrated.
Speaker 4: Because I grew up in that area.
Speaker 3: If your boss offers you money, you take it right
Speaker 3: and you just work your way up. But for a
Speaker 3: lot of people, like you said, enough is enough and
Speaker 3: they're grown but learning, all right, what is it that
Speaker 3: will make them move. And here's the question I have
Speaker 3: for you, because there's a difference for me in knowing
Speaker 3: when your spouse has enough and knowing when something's wrong. Right,
Speaker 3: And I think for me in this situation, I knew
Speaker 3: something was wrong, I just didn't know how to get
Speaker 3: to it and help her. And so I was curious
Speaker 3: about your thoughts on the difference between the two of those,
Speaker 3: like knowing when they have enough and knowing really when
Speaker 3: something's wrong.
Speaker 1: One of the things I learned being with Charel for
Speaker 1: a number of years is that for both he and
Speaker 1: I is that sometimes even just asking the question are
Speaker 1: you are you just wanting to share or.
Speaker 2: Are you looking for feedback?
Speaker 1: You know, it's it's okay to ask that clarifying question
Speaker 1: because sometimes I just want to rant.
Speaker 2: I'm not looking for you to fix it.
Speaker 1: Oftentimes, if you're in a you know, a male female relationship,
Speaker 1: men tend to want to fix, you know, and it's like,
Speaker 1: now I'm just I'm just talking, you know, like I
Speaker 1: just want you to listen, I'm gonna fix it, you know.
Speaker 1: You know, So asking that clarifying question, but also bigger
Speaker 1: than like you kind of going into kind of save
Speaker 1: the day, is the safer the environment that you create
Speaker 1: for anyone to like be able to share, whether it's
Speaker 1: your child, your bestie, your spouse, whomever. Creating a super
Speaker 1: safe environment, they will come to you, you know. But
Speaker 1: also you also have to acknowledge it's not your job
Speaker 1: to fix it, you know, like not for adults, you know.
Speaker 2: And it's hard because I'm a fixer too.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm like, well, what's want we we could
Speaker 1: do it, and it's like, it's really not my job
Speaker 1: to fix it. It's my job to create a super
Speaker 1: safe environment where this person feels comfortable coming.
Speaker 2: To me for anything.
Speaker 1: And if they ask for help, and certainly you could offer,
Speaker 1: you know, is this something you like me to help
Speaker 1: you with? You know, if they say no, allowing them
Speaker 1: to figure it out on their own, but always letting
Speaker 1: them know the light is still on. If ever you're
Speaker 1: wanting my help on this, I'm here. I know it
Speaker 1: could be hard to watch people struggle on their own,
Speaker 1: but that is a human existence, right, Like you are
Speaker 1: in charge of your journey and path and so so
Speaker 1: that's what I just say that, like, you know, creating
Speaker 1: a safe environment, and you have to reaffirm that environment
Speaker 1: you can't just say it once. It's like and it's
Speaker 1: not just saying it, it's it's doing it. Because a
Speaker 1: safe environment looks like this, Like let's just say, you know,
Speaker 1: for example, parents a child, if I tell my mom,
Speaker 1: you know, when I'm a kid or a teenager, like,
Speaker 1: you know, I was out with my friends and they
Speaker 1: started smoking, they were smoking, would you smoke it up?
Speaker 1: I already know I can't talk enough, you know. But
Speaker 1: if I'm like, I was not my mom and you
Speaker 1: know they were smoking, okay, and you know they asked
Speaker 1: me to smoke, okay, but I didn't want to, but
Speaker 1: I'm not really sure how to. You see, Like it's
Speaker 1: it's like what you don't say oftentimes it's not just
Speaker 1: what you do say. So creating that environment where it's like, okay, well,
Speaker 1: whenever I tell Kevin something, it's a safe space to
Speaker 1: just share and if I do need help, he's there.
Speaker 1: And when I don't need help, he doesn't force help
Speaker 1: on me. This is a safe space. I think that's
Speaker 1: the best thing you could do in a relationship that
Speaker 1: Drone I got really good at that right before he
Speaker 1: passed away, which is like really creating a super safe
Speaker 1: environment where you could share anything you know and not
Speaker 1: feel like the other person was going to get angry
Speaker 1: with you, judge you, or try to wrestle away control and.
Speaker 2: Fix it for you.
Speaker 3: Wow, it's interesting because that's the space we got into.
Speaker 3: And that's why I felt my marriage leveled up, because
Speaker 3: you know, it put us into that old marriage advice
Speaker 3: about fix it, feel it, or forget it. You know,
Speaker 3: that's something someone told me a long time ago. Ask
Speaker 3: your wife, literally, do you want me to fix it?
Speaker 3: Do you just want me to feel your pain? Or
Speaker 3: do you want me to just listen, let you rent
Speaker 3: and forget it. And in this space, she really wanted
Speaker 3: me to feel her frustration. And I was able to
Speaker 3: listen and listen with an open mind and not answers
Speaker 3: like you said, not fixing. And what we began to
Speaker 3: talk about is, Okay, I've got you. So we're well
Speaker 3: enough in life that if you are so stressed out
Speaker 3: that you need to step away, I've got you.
Speaker 4: We're well enough.
Speaker 3: That if you need to find another job with a
Speaker 3: pay cut just for your happiness, I've got you. And
Speaker 3: that really resonated with her, And just to show you how.
Speaker 4: Good God is.
Speaker 3: Just man that follow up was in August. I think
Speaker 3: it was September. She started getting calls about new jobs.
Speaker 3: She interviewed, and she got hired in a new job
Speaker 3: on October thirty first, making more money because she's happy.
Speaker 3: She's coming home talking about all the great stuff at
Speaker 3: work rather than a pop or complaining and just to
Speaker 3: see that smile on her face. Because again, my letter
Speaker 3: was really about my wife is hurting and I don't
Speaker 3: know how to help her.
Speaker 4: Please help me help her.
Speaker 3: And you, ladies, I can't even tell you how grateful
Speaker 3: I am, because honestly, I'm gonna be honest. We have
Speaker 3: we had a great marriage. I mean, like outstanding. To
Speaker 3: hear that advice and see what it has done to
Speaker 3: us and taking us to another level is just mind bowing.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much love that.
Speaker 1: Like I say that, like I was just talking to
Speaker 1: a friend of mine who is struggling in his marriage,
Speaker 1: and we were just talking, and you know, he was
Speaker 1: just asking me, like, how did you manage to grow
Speaker 1: from you know, because I told him I was like,
Speaker 1: but by the time d passed away, we had elevated
Speaker 1: from good to great in our marriage. And I said, well,
Speaker 1: a few things in the beginning certainly. It's it's it's
Speaker 1: a bit of a struggle. It's like dancing on the
Speaker 1: dance floor with a new dance partner. You're like stepping
Speaker 1: on each other's toes. You're not really sure what's the
Speaker 1: beat You're gonna left you all right, like you know.
Speaker 1: So it's a little bit of a and sometimes people
Speaker 1: mistake that initial kind of like awkwardness for we must
Speaker 1: not meant to be meant to be together. And it
Speaker 1: might be that you know, you might have the wrong
Speaker 1: dance partner, but it could just be you have to
Speaker 1: find the beat and the rhythm, you know, and.
Speaker 3: So yes, in your own rhythm. Because I will attest
Speaker 3: to that because early in our marriage we would argue
Speaker 3: over my mama said towels that way, and it was like, okay, wow,
Speaker 3: we going, I said.
Speaker 1: When Jarrelle and I decided, like maybe it's like a
Speaker 1: year and a half in, I said, you know, baby,
Speaker 1: let's let's make a pack that we come up with
Speaker 1: our rules, rules that we keep just between us. We're
Speaker 1: not sharing them with our family, friends, sister, cousin, mother.
Speaker 1: We make up our own rules for our relationship and
Speaker 1: that's what we abide by. And it was so great
Speaker 1: and freeing, because you know, it's not like my well
Speaker 1: my girlfriend said we shouldn't do it like that.
Speaker 2: My nope, nope, nope.
Speaker 1: It was like, these are our rules, and if ever
Speaker 1: we wanted to change them, it's just me and you
Speaker 1: that have to be to get consensus. All right, Kevin,
Speaker 1: hold that thought real quick, because we're going to break
Speaker 1: for commercial and we're to come right back. Isn't this
Speaker 1: such a great conversation, you know it is set us
Speaker 1: a tweet at Brianna vission the budget. He's the Mandy money.
Speaker 1: If you're loving this conversation, we'll be back in a moment.
Speaker 1: That was the key. We had to get consensus, and
Speaker 1: so we started making up rules. We had rules of
Speaker 1: disagreement even for example, if we disagree, how do we.
Speaker 2: Want that to go? So we had a few rules
Speaker 2: for that.
Speaker 1: It was like one So I grew up in a
Speaker 1: yelling household, and so like what it was like no yelling?
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, fine, I guess right too. Jarrell
Speaker 1: had a kind of a party mouth. I mean, he
Speaker 1: grew up in the hood, so he would just in
Speaker 1: common conversation be like this mother, EPI said, can you
Speaker 1: believe that dab, which was fine in general conversation, but
Speaker 1: I told him, when we're in disagreement, like, cursing sounds crazy.
Speaker 1: So you know, even though you might not be here
Speaker 1: at me, that's what it feels like. So I was like,
Speaker 1: so E raised that from your memory when we're when
Speaker 1: So for me, it was no cursing even if you're
Speaker 1: not you know, like he wouldn't curse at me, but like,
Speaker 1: you know, like I said, his normal cadence would just
Speaker 1: be like, you know, he's gonna slip in a curse
Speaker 1: here and there, right, So I'm like, but not, we're
Speaker 1: in this when we're in disagreement.
Speaker 2: So he both said okay.
Speaker 4: No, okay.
Speaker 2: And the third one of which was the hold.
Speaker 1: That transformed our relationship, is that we created a safe word.
Speaker 2: And the safe word for us was pineapples.
Speaker 1: And that was when we had went from like if
Speaker 1: a disagreement went from helpful to hurtful, you know what
Speaker 1: that goes, you know, when you're like, you're just trying
Speaker 1: to win at this point, and so our so we
Speaker 1: came up with this word pineapples, and it was for
Speaker 1: if I felt like or he felt like, you know,
Speaker 1: you're getting to a place where it's not healthy anymore.
Speaker 1: Because sometimes, like let's just say, if I'm in the
Speaker 1: I'm about to get him good. I'm about to get
Speaker 1: him good. He'll be like pineapples, right, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: what pineapples mean? Everything stops, no more talking. You go
Speaker 1: on stairs, I go downstairs. We separate, you know, And
Speaker 1: it would be it was so frustrating in the beginning
Speaker 1: because I'm like, oh, we only did that because I
Speaker 1: was about to win, you know, and so and so
Speaker 1: I remember one time I didn't want to I didn't
Speaker 1: want to respect pineapples. He said, oh, we not respect
Speaker 1: the pineapples because when.
Speaker 4: You need it.
Speaker 1: But when I tell you, it was so helpful because
Speaker 1: what it did was it was like a shock to
Speaker 1: the system to say, what do you what are you doing?
Speaker 1: This is the person that you love. You're about to
Speaker 1: say something hurtful and harmful. And so it made us stop.
Speaker 1: And we had gotten so good at it that we
Speaker 1: didn't even have to say pineapples anymore. The year he
Speaker 1: passed away, it was I would internally self correct, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean.
Speaker 2: So we got to the point, like my.
Speaker 1: Sister lived with us for like almost two years and
Speaker 1: she was like, do you guys ever argue?
Speaker 2: And we really didn't.
Speaker 1: We had never We didn't let it escalate because we
Speaker 1: got trained that muscle of is this hurtful?
Speaker 2: Is this helpful?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 2: But I would always tell him, and for those of
Speaker 2: you in.
Speaker 1: Relationships, just even like you know, with your kids or whomever,
Speaker 1: we would always remind ourselves that, like I would visualize
Speaker 1: that we were wearing the same jersey, you know, like,
Speaker 1: so if I have on the Bulls jersey and you
Speaker 1: have on a Bulls jersey, so what do.
Speaker 2: I look like tripping you to sink a basket? Right?
Speaker 2: Because if you lose, the team loses.
Speaker 1: Therefore I lose too, you know, Like I cannot win
Speaker 1: over you because if I win over you, then you lose.
Speaker 2: That we all lose.
Speaker 1: And so even when we were like gearing up for
Speaker 1: like a disagreement, like I would, I would visualize, yo,
Speaker 1: you yo, this man has on the same jersey as me,
Speaker 1: So like me, winning is not really a win. I
Speaker 1: cannot win without him. We have to both win in this.
Speaker 1: So that just helps a lot. I'm just I love
Speaker 1: to hear because the world will tell you that like
Speaker 1: there are no successful black relationships, you know, and that
Speaker 1: like black love is did or just love in general,
Speaker 1: and or that everything is struggle love, whatever that means.
Speaker 1: And you know, I'm here to say that not that
Speaker 1: I know like a ton, but I know a good
Speaker 1: enough amount of people who are realistically happily married, not
Speaker 1: that everything's always rainbows and butterflies, but realistically happily married,
Speaker 1: meaning like they're like you, Kevin and Tina, where you're
Speaker 1: actively working on your marriage.
Speaker 2: You are reaching.
Speaker 1: Consensus from a place of love and respect, and that's
Speaker 1: why I get stronger and better.
Speaker 2: And so just I really commend you for.
Speaker 4: That well, and thank you for sharing your journey.
Speaker 3: It has been so like heartwarming to see you go
Speaker 3: through your journey of healing and sharing that with all
Speaker 3: of us and honestly listening to you, it inspires me
Speaker 3: to be a better husband because you know, for those
Speaker 3: of us who have gone through loss, it really makes
Speaker 3: you really pay attention to the things that really matter
Speaker 3: and focus in. So I just wanted to make sure
Speaker 3: before this conversation gets too far in to say thank
Speaker 3: you for sharing that, and just say this for those
Speaker 3: who are going through and arguing like you, we had
Speaker 3: the benefit of a roommate for like the first three
Speaker 3: years of our marriage, so we couldn't.
Speaker 4: Really shout at each other.
Speaker 3: We just had to like like sort of talk our
Speaker 3: points out and we would literally talk through him.
Speaker 4: He was like, well, don't you think I'm right? Don't
Speaker 4: you think I'm right?
Speaker 3: And I tell people all the time that really helped
Speaker 3: us in our marriage to understand how to have a
Speaker 3: disagreement instead of an argument. And at the end of
Speaker 3: the day, a house in discord, nobody wins right.
Speaker 4: If you and your spouse are mad or one's mad,
Speaker 4: it's not.
Speaker 3: Good for anybody. But when you have that harmony. And
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, she just walked in, so I had to
Speaker 3: catch it.
Speaker 2: Hi real quick, girl, I know you're let me say.
Speaker 4: Beautiful, and she is. Man, let me tell you what
Speaker 4: an extra introvert she is to do that.
Speaker 1: She probably might, you know, because people, I am an
Speaker 1: extrovert introvert meaning that like certainly I can, like, you know,
Speaker 1: put it on, but quietly I'm actually really really shy,
Speaker 1: you know. And so after I do the thing, I
Speaker 1: got to take a nap because it's just so overwhelming.
Speaker 1: I have just learned to like through my shyness, but
Speaker 1: so I totally understand.
Speaker 3: But no, but yeah, So in dealing with those situations,
Speaker 3: the biggest thing for me is and a question I
Speaker 3: had for you, is when you have these spouses who
Speaker 3: are out us and this just isn't a husband. We
Speaker 3: have wives who are the alpha or the breadwinner, and
Speaker 3: you have the spouse that may not be making, you know,
Speaker 3: as much as the other one, but you want to
Speaker 3: push them to go up to that next level. I mean,
Speaker 3: how do you have that conversation because a lot of times,
Speaker 3: for me, my pushing is about the stress of trying
Speaker 3: to provide for everybody right and trying to share that burden.
Speaker 3: And that's something I was able to communicate, like, you know,
Speaker 3: we got retirement coming up, our daughters in college, you know,
Speaker 3: we got another son in college.
Speaker 4: The more money we make, the easier it'll be.
Speaker 3: So just having those conversations and recognizing when it's about
Speaker 3: their needs and when it's about your needs versus you.
Speaker 2: See what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And I said, okay, candidly, he never made over sixty
Speaker 1: thousand dollars a year, and you know I could take
Speaker 1: up words to seven figures home, you know, And so certainly.
Speaker 2: There were times when I'm.
Speaker 1: Like, babe, you know what, you could do this, and
Speaker 1: because you're a super for housing, you know, we could
Speaker 1: buy all these like apartment buildings, you.
Speaker 2: Know, and he'd be like, okay, you know, and.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, Or like when I first met him,
Speaker 1: because he's really smart, I was like, why don't you
Speaker 1: go back to school and you could get your degree
Speaker 1: in this and you know, and he'd be like, I
Speaker 1: don't know if I want to go back to school.
Speaker 1: And so I was so frustrated by that in the
Speaker 1: beginning until, like I remember the first time I took
Speaker 1: my he was my boyfriend at a time, to meet
Speaker 1: like my parents, and my dad was getting on him
Speaker 1: about going to school. And I didn't like it because
Speaker 1: I thought to myself, who are you to tell him
Speaker 1: how he ought to live his life? And then I
Speaker 1: had to look and say, oh, pick up that marative.
Speaker 1: You don't like it, that's you, siss You see how
Speaker 1: I look?
Speaker 2: You see how that look, you know?
Speaker 1: And I was like, so, this is what I learned
Speaker 1: when it comes to that, is that he and I
Speaker 1: again had to make up our own rules. So because
Speaker 1: especially the dynamic is you know, like switch because he
Speaker 1: was the man and he wanted to be the provider,
Speaker 1: although I did not necessarily need a financial provider. So
Speaker 1: what we decided was that we were going to live
Speaker 1: within the means that he could provide.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: And so so what that meant, like, so I remember
Speaker 1: we were living, So I moved in with him maybe
Speaker 1: like two years until like dating, and rent was super cheap.
Speaker 1: It was, like, you know, because he because he worked
Speaker 1: for housing. We actually lived like on campus, and it
Speaker 1: was like nine hundred bucks a month, you know. And
Speaker 1: so I was like, well, how much do you want
Speaker 1: me to put toward rent? He was like, well, I
Speaker 1: was paying before you got here, I'm paying it now.
Speaker 1: I said, okay, right, So he continued to pay like
Speaker 1: all the bills, and I was building the budgets. I
Speaker 1: mean I was already like five years in the budget.
Speaker 1: Esta was making six figures. But I said okay. And
Speaker 1: since we weren't like married, you know, I didn't really
Speaker 1: start setting aside for both of us until like we
Speaker 1: got engaged. But when we got engaged, he was like, okay,
Speaker 1: you how about this. You pay the bills, so we
Speaker 1: keep our life under what the bills you can afford,
Speaker 1: and I will save and invest the money that I'm
Speaker 1: bringing in.
Speaker 2: And so, so the way it played out.
Speaker 1: Was, I was like, he always wanted to be a homeowner,
Speaker 1: and ID already brought a condo when I was like
Speaker 1: in my twenties and I had lost it to foreclosure.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you know, I'm like a house too.
Speaker 1: And so we were looking for homes and it was
Speaker 1: hard because it was like, Okay, we could only look
Speaker 1: for homes that his pay could cover.
Speaker 2: So some of the homes, you know, what we're looking
Speaker 2: I didn't really like. I was like, I don't like
Speaker 2: this one, I like this one, don't like that neighborhood.
Speaker 1: But I realized, well, maybe we're looking at it in
Speaker 1: an incorrect way, right. So his main desire was I
Speaker 1: should be able to continue to pay our bills.
Speaker 2: I want that. If you don't want to do budget
Speaker 2: EASTA no more, you don't have to. I got you.
Speaker 1: So then I thought, well, babe, what if we do this?
Speaker 1: A foreclosure came up on the market. It was one
Speaker 1: hundred and eighty thousand dollars, and I said, what if
Speaker 1: we purchased that home cast with the money I have
Speaker 1: saved and invested for us because my job was save investor,
Speaker 1: your job to.
Speaker 2: Pay the bills.
Speaker 1: What if we purchased at home, that one hundred and
Speaker 1: eighty thousand dollars home with that money, which we did,
Speaker 1: and then we renovated it. Now I can get the
Speaker 1: house that I want in the neighborhood that I want.
Speaker 1: And guess what, we don't have a mortgage. So like,
Speaker 1: so the monthly bills actually decreased. And so we found
Speaker 1: ways like that to navigate versus me saying go make
Speaker 1: more money, you know which is you know it was
Speaker 1: more so how do we make the money that we
Speaker 1: do have work for both of us? And so he
Speaker 1: loved the fact that he was like, y'all pay all
Speaker 1: the bills in the house because you know which, like
Speaker 1: I said, there's no mortgage.
Speaker 2: And same thing.
Speaker 1: That's how we bought our cars too. So I purchased
Speaker 1: a car for myself and then his car was like
Speaker 1: getting old, and I was like, well, why don't we
Speaker 1: get you a car with the money that we have
Speaker 1: in our savings that I've been saving, So purchase his car,
Speaker 1: purchased my car, no car, no, but he paid the insurance,
Speaker 1: you know wow.
Speaker 3: And let me get some of that if you don't mind,
Speaker 3: because that is good stuff. Boy, and I want to
Speaker 3: just jump rope in there. But you are dead on
Speaker 3: because like you are the textbook example.
Speaker 4: Like back in the nineties, I used to read Essence,
Speaker 4: you know, Full Disclosure.
Speaker 3: And literally Essence would talk about these black women who
Speaker 3: are making these six figure salaries dating people who didn't
Speaker 3: have that college degree or were working, and the skills
Speaker 3: and the trades, and how to balance that and make
Speaker 3: that work. And now you see that more and more
Speaker 3: where people are making it work.
Speaker 4: And the trick really is how do we.
Speaker 3: Go from we to us right and still make people
Speaker 3: feel like they're valued in the relationship because you allow
Speaker 3: Jirell to still keep that protector, provider manhood thing that
Speaker 3: we all strive to give. I want to protect her.
Speaker 3: That's why I'm always trying to fix it. I want
Speaker 3: to protect my daughter. That's why I'm always signing her
Speaker 3: up for Mandy's courses and pushing them on her right.
Speaker 4: I want to protect and.
Speaker 3: Provide By allowing us to do that, man, I can't
Speaker 3: even tell you how happy that makes all of us.
Speaker 4: And I hope people are listening to the advice.
Speaker 1: He would tell you all the time, like, babe, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for never making me feel like, you know,
Speaker 1: feel bad, or feel less than or feel you know,
Speaker 1: because sometimes I'd have to remind him.
Speaker 2: I'm like, maybe you know we're millionaires. He was like
Speaker 2: we are.
Speaker 1: I'm like, do you look at our investment account?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 1: And because I mean he was still wearing his brown
Speaker 1: uniform to work as a super you know, like and
Speaker 1: so and and somebody might be listening.
Speaker 2: But so you lived less than a life. I said.
Speaker 2: It didn't feel less than.
Speaker 1: To me because one one, if you know me, like
Speaker 1: Darrell's not here, I'm still in the same house. I'm
Speaker 1: still wearing my target's best like that's my Like I
Speaker 1: it was a fit for me because I was already
Speaker 1: living in that way. So if I'm going to splurg
Speaker 1: so so the things that I would pay for for
Speaker 1: myself to splurge were vacations. You know, I didn't have
Speaker 1: the expectation he paid for my vacations. And I also
Speaker 1: looked after my parents. That was a bill that he didn't,
Speaker 1: you know, take care because I was like, these are
Speaker 1: my parents, this is my responsibility. I gave them money
Speaker 1: every month, and so it allowed us like creating things
Speaker 1: like that, like creatively figuring out how do we do
Speaker 1: this dance? So I can honor the fact that you
Speaker 1: are the protector provider. But this is something that I'd
Speaker 1: like for us to have. And so there's no right
Speaker 1: or wrong. That's what I mean about creating your own
Speaker 1: internal rules for yourself and your relationship. If you can
Speaker 1: do that, you know, like I said, I you know,
Speaker 1: I made a significant amount of money, and yet you know,
Speaker 1: like like for example, it wasn't until I was in
Speaker 1: college that I realized that my mom made way more
Speaker 1: than my dad.
Speaker 2: I never knew.
Speaker 1: She was a nurse and he was an accountant, and
Speaker 1: I was just like she was like with the overtime
Speaker 1: or whatever she was make it almost double.
Speaker 2: And I didn't know. But because also too same in that,
Speaker 2: you know, it.
Speaker 1: Didn't they didn't let it affect the dynamics of their relationship,
Speaker 1: you know. And so I just think I think the
Speaker 1: rule is there is no rules except for the ones
Speaker 1: that you create for yourself. You know, when it comes
Speaker 1: to your how you navigate your relationship, especially when it
Speaker 1: comes to money. So I'll say for you, Kevin, when
Speaker 1: it comes to you and Tina, you know her. The
Speaker 1: only solution that is not just Tina gotta make more money.
Speaker 1: You know, I want you to explore what are some
Speaker 1: other solutions, because too, you have to get to the
Speaker 1: root of what are you really saying?
Speaker 2: What are you really wanting?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean, like, oh, I want safety
Speaker 1: and I want security and I wanted to have enough
Speaker 1: for so okay, So is it Tina gotta make more
Speaker 1: money or the money we do make do we manage
Speaker 1: that better?
Speaker 2: Is you see what I mean?
Speaker 1: It might be that you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 1: you know, it might be that it might be like,
Speaker 1: you know, are there some things that we really don't
Speaker 1: need that actually we could put that put that money
Speaker 1: toward retirement. You know, are there some ways to cut back?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: It might be that I don't know, only you would know,
Speaker 1: and so like so, you know, I don't want you
Speaker 1: to just in anything. Don't get so stuck that the
Speaker 1: only solution is there's never just one solutions. Actually, when
Speaker 1: it comes to your finances, you know that you want
Speaker 1: to explore, like what other ways, Like it's the only
Speaker 1: way for us to get a house that Jarrell has
Speaker 1: to qualify for a mortgage no, it's we found a foreclosure,
Speaker 1: paid for a cash Now we ain't got to worry about
Speaker 1: a mortgage. You see what I mean? So there is
Speaker 1: alternative solutions I do, you know, for you to navigate
Speaker 1: but get to the root of what you're really saying
Speaker 1: that you want and then put both of your heads
Speaker 1: together to figure out what are different ways to achieve
Speaker 1: the same solution.
Speaker 3: And so yeah, wow, and you know that's such good advice.
Speaker 3: And you've got to I have got to be able
Speaker 3: to sit with myself and say, what am I really needing?
Speaker 3: Why am I pushing for this? We make more than
Speaker 3: enough money, and I have learned from the past that
Speaker 3: when we used to make more money and then go
Speaker 3: out and get a new car payment and lose all
Speaker 3: that money, we may, you know, but it comes down
Speaker 3: to can you manage what you have? Because in cree
Speaker 3: can come through decrease. And I learned that listening to you.
Speaker 5: Guys, Hey, my paster listens, I just gave you a
Speaker 5: service for.
Speaker 1: Something that Kevin, you are awesome. Any last words for
Speaker 1: the people?
Speaker 3: You know what the last word I would say is
Speaker 3: one of the reasons why I was so happy that
Speaker 3: y'all called me on is I know that there are
Speaker 3: so many spouses going through the same thing that I'm
Speaker 3: going through, and it's causing stress on your marriage, and
Speaker 3: the more we talk about it, the more we're able
Speaker 3: to deal with it. So I want to thank you
Speaker 3: for having me on. Thank you for talking to me.
Speaker 3: I just gave away two copies of your book last week.
Speaker 3: I'm giving away three copies at Christmas, and I'm about
Speaker 3: to give my daughter that many script negotiating.
Speaker 4: So now get some gear so we can buy.
Speaker 1: If you go to brownebischopodcast dot com, I feel like
Speaker 1: we have gear on there.
Speaker 2: Take a look. I'm almost possibly have some.
Speaker 3: Okay, all right, so brown Ambition dot com get your gear.
Speaker 4: I will go there asking everybody to go with.
Speaker 3: Me because I'm your biggest fan and now I'm promoting
Speaker 3: your ken.
Speaker 2: You're an awesome guest. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I mean, I know you're a private person, but if
Speaker 1: you do have any social media that you mind people
Speaker 1: following or anything, you don't have to.
Speaker 2: I'm just like it.
Speaker 4: No I do.
Speaker 3: But you're gonna laugh because you know how you have
Speaker 3: that nineties email address.
Speaker 4: Well, my uh my Instagram name is Gilo Tony g
Speaker 4: I G O l O t O N.
Speaker 3: Why hey, it's it's a nineteen eighties rapping from Miami.
Speaker 4: It's an look up smurf Rock all.
Speaker 2: Right, all right, go ahead and.
Speaker 3: You'll see some of the best salads and you can
Speaker 3: hit me up at Facebook, Kevin Kidd. We do a
Speaker 3: lot of great things, from coaching you soccer and empowering
Speaker 3: girls to bring it after school programs to youth and attention.
Speaker 4: So you're welcome. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: I D D for those of your listening, JIGGLO Tony.
Speaker 1: For those of you who know what you're talking about,
Speaker 1: tweet me who's from who from Florida?
Speaker 4: A name?
Speaker 3: Okay, there you go, that's Miami base right, So thank
Speaker 3: you so much and thank you for inspiring me.
Speaker 4: Hopefully this will be the first.
Speaker 3: In my journey to realize my dream of becoming a
Speaker 3: motivational speaker through your example.
Speaker 2: And just tell Tina I love you.
Speaker 4: I will and she said hello fla.
Speaker 2: Hey, ba fan.
Speaker 3: We could not do this show without your support or
Speaker 3: the support of our team behind the scenes.
Speaker 4: The Brown a Mission podcast is produced by Cumulus Podcast Network.
Speaker 4: It's edited by the wonderful Emani Crosby.
Speaker 3: And produced by Tanya Bustos. Dennistimplinsky is our in house
Speaker 3: tech guru, and I am Bandy Woodrid Santos your co host,
Speaker 3: and I see y'all next week