1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:27,400 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to this show. 5 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:32,320 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever 6 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,199 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:38,000 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode where we break 8 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:42,320 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. Today is a special 9 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:46,000 Speaker 1: episode because at the time I'm recording this and at 10 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 1: the time you might be listening, it is Valentine's Day, 11 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 1: and each year on Valentine's Day, I like to pick 12 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 1: an episode to do with how we can build and 13 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 1: sustain healthy relationships, not just the romantic kind, of course, 14 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:03,279 Speaker 1: but our platonic ones as well, and how we can 15 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:08,399 Speaker 1: kind of apply psychology to better understand all the forms 16 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 1: of love that we experience in this lifetime, specifically in 17 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 1: our twenties of course, but also some of the concepts 18 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: and theories that we should have like a good understanding 19 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:23,280 Speaker 1: of before the decade is out to really set ourselves 20 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:27,280 Speaker 1: up for good, healthy love. And in today's episode, we're 21 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:30,480 Speaker 1: going to do just that. We're going to be discussing 22 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:35,120 Speaker 1: the idea of the mental load, so I wouldn't be 23 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:40,160 Speaker 1: surprised if you hadn't already heard about this concept. This 24 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:43,520 Speaker 1: term the mental load has been doing its rounds on 25 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 1: TikTok and Instagram recently. It is the latest term that 26 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: has become part of the psychobabble. But I really have 27 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 1: my good friend Aaron to thank for this episode. If 28 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: you are a longtime listener of the show, you'll know 29 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 1: that Aaron, my best friend, is where I get a 30 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,200 Speaker 1: lot of my inspiration because she thinks about these things 31 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:09,360 Speaker 1: very deeply. She thinks about self awareness. She's very self aware, 32 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: very thoughtful. She's always introducing me to so many new 33 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,240 Speaker 1: theories and ideas that I actually never came across when 34 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,880 Speaker 1: I was studying psychology. She's just like a book of knowledge. 35 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:24,000 Speaker 1: And last time I was visiting her, we got to 36 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 1: discussing the idea of the mental load in our relationships. 37 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,040 Speaker 1: Because we are both in very committed long term relationships 38 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:35,960 Speaker 1: with very lovely men. And although we love our partners 39 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:39,280 Speaker 1: so deeply and they are such good people, we've chosen 40 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 1: very well. There is a lot of invisible mental and 41 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:49,440 Speaker 1: emotional labor that just happens to fall on women in relationships. 42 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,840 Speaker 1: Even if you think that your partner is very much 43 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,400 Speaker 1: your equal, Even if they are, there is such a 44 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:01,640 Speaker 1: hidden facet, a hidden component of love and effort that 45 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:06,919 Speaker 1: sustains a relationship that women often take on. So also 46 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:11,640 Speaker 1: known as cognitive labor. Mental loads specifically refers to the 47 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,520 Speaker 1: kind of extra energy and efforts women take on in 48 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 1: order to organize the lives of themselves and their partners, 49 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,840 Speaker 1: specifically in hetero relationships. You know, the time taken to 50 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,960 Speaker 1: plan what we're having for dinner, when people's birthdays are, 51 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,800 Speaker 1: what we're doing on the weekend, what we need to 52 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 1: bring to the family gathering on Friday, The mental logistics 53 00:03:32,639 --> 00:03:34,640 Speaker 1: of the week and of our lives. You know, the 54 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 1: date night that's coming up that we need to plan 55 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:43,400 Speaker 1: and organize. All of these small mental kind of gymnastics, 56 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 1: all these small mental tasks that contribute to kind of 57 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 1: the I wouldn't say domestic burden, but the relational burden 58 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,960 Speaker 1: that each member of a partnership is kind of carrying. 59 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,680 Speaker 1: For example, say that you know your partner's parents are 60 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: coming into town next weekend, which means we have to 61 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,920 Speaker 1: make plans for dinner that night that they come in, 62 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 1: but they don't like Italian food and it would have 63 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: been a really long flight, so we should make dinner 64 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,600 Speaker 1: at home, which means I'll need to go to the 65 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 1: grocery store before then, and I have to make sure 66 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 1: the bed sheets are washed and pick up extra toothbrushes. 67 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,360 Speaker 1: But the bed sheets can't go on the dryer, so 68 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,600 Speaker 1: I'll have to make sure that they're getting washed on 69 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,840 Speaker 1: a day that's really sunny. That will have to be Friday. 70 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: But we're out of laundry detergents, so we'll pick that 71 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: up as well. It's this running to do list of 72 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 1: tasks that is honestly never ending, and that I think 73 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:35,599 Speaker 1: sometimes men in relationships don't pick up on. I think 74 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 1: we're all very aware these days of the unequal division 75 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:43,760 Speaker 1: of labor in relationships, particularly in the past, how one partner, 76 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:47,080 Speaker 1: normally the woman just seems to be instantly more responsible 77 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 1: for household chores, even when they work the same amount 78 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 1: of hours as their partner or have other obligations. How 79 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:58,680 Speaker 1: women are often more responsible for child rearing activities, domestic duties, 80 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 1: that sort of thing. However, it goes a lot deeper 81 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,640 Speaker 1: than just performing the task, Women also spend a lot 82 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:10,320 Speaker 1: more time thinking about what tasks have to be done, 83 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 1: playing almost the role of admin for the lives of themselves, 84 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 1: their partners, their families, even their friends. As one study 85 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 1: published in the American Sociological Review describes it, women just 86 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 1: spend more time anticipating needs, identifying options, making decisions, and 87 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:33,359 Speaker 1: ensuring that what they asked someone to do is actually completed. 88 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,839 Speaker 1: In my mind, we've all reached a point where we 89 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,000 Speaker 1: understand that men are expected to do more labor than 90 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,480 Speaker 1: their fathers or their grandfathers. Did you know we do 91 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 1: split things fifty to fifty, But that doesn't always fully 92 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:51,760 Speaker 1: take into account the added cognitive labor that goes into 93 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,479 Speaker 1: getting those things done, you know. And I think a 94 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:58,720 Speaker 1: lot of times people just partners. Male partners in particular, 95 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 1: sometimes need to be told what to do. They may 96 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 1: respond of like, oh, you know, you're upset that I 97 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 1: didn't do the dishes, Well, why didn't you just tell me? 98 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,839 Speaker 1: You know, I would have done it if you had asked. 99 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,800 Speaker 1: But the very act of needing to ask for help 100 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:13,360 Speaker 1: and expecting your partner to tell you everything that needs 101 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: to be done, means that you're kind of still treating 102 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 1: your girlfriend, your wife, your partner as kind of like 103 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,920 Speaker 1: the manager of the house, the manager of the chores, 104 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: the manager of your lives. It's kind of a lot 105 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:27,039 Speaker 1: like a workplace, where obviously, in a workplace, like we 106 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,800 Speaker 1: have the employees and we have the boss, and the 107 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,800 Speaker 1: boss is always going to be more responsible for what's 108 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 1: going on. And as an employee, you go back to 109 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,960 Speaker 1: your boss and you ask God, what needs to be 110 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 1: done next? Was some tasks that I should do. But 111 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 1: a relationship is not like a workplace. You know, no 112 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,600 Speaker 1: one is the boss, no one is the employee. Both 113 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 1: people need to be truly invested in the outcome, in 114 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,440 Speaker 1: it together, looking for things that need to be done, 115 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,920 Speaker 1: looking for things that are going to make the other 116 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:59,080 Speaker 1: person's life easier. And I don't think that that is 117 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 1: always what occurs. You know, we understand physical and domestic 118 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 1: labor needs to be equal, but the mental burden remains 119 00:07:07,279 --> 00:07:12,240 Speaker 1: very strong. And with that, the psychological burden of having 120 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:17,160 Speaker 1: to overlook certain things, suppress resentment because he's still doing 121 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 1: what you asked, but you kind of wish you didn't 122 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:23,720 Speaker 1: have to ask, and also just having less mental space 123 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: for other parts of your life and your identity and 124 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,800 Speaker 1: your interests. I personally believe this wears down a relationship 125 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:34,160 Speaker 1: in a lot of invisible ways, because maybe you can't 126 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,240 Speaker 1: quite articulate why you feel exhausted in your relationship or 127 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:42,400 Speaker 1: why things feel unfair. You can't tell your partner why, 128 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,320 Speaker 1: you just know you feel that way, and I do 129 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,120 Speaker 1: think a lot of answers lie in this invisible cognitive 130 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:54,200 Speaker 1: and mental labor. Now, before we get into why exactly 131 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,960 Speaker 1: this occurs and the impact and some solutions, I do 132 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,240 Speaker 1: want to make a little bit of a disclaimer. I 133 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:02,720 Speaker 1: think this is by no means a rant on how 134 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,360 Speaker 1: men are terrible and incompetent and idiotic and deliberately make 135 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 1: women's lives miserable. I don't believe that. And I also 136 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,240 Speaker 1: know my boyfriend listens to the podcast, and I'm sure 137 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,000 Speaker 1: he's probably thinking that if I was saying that some 138 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,880 Speaker 1: of those statements aren't particularly fair, I will say I 139 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 1: am very lucky that this does not describe our partnership. 140 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 1: My dad also was a stay at home dad, and 141 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 1: I saw him take on so much more of the 142 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 1: mental and domestic load than my mom at times, So 143 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,440 Speaker 1: I don't think that if we date men, if we 144 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,720 Speaker 1: know men, we are doomed to fail and kind of 145 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 1: constantly be under the thumb of the mental load. By 146 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,400 Speaker 1: no means, I don't think that, and I don't want 147 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,520 Speaker 1: this episode to kind of like find its way onto 148 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,960 Speaker 1: the anti feminist feeds on TikTok and have a bunch 149 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: of people coming at me. We are all about the 150 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 1: science here and the psychology, and the mental load is 151 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:57,480 Speaker 1: simply an identifiable and measurable relationship pattern and factor that 152 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,240 Speaker 1: I've become a lot more aware of recently. I think 153 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 1: it really deserves some exploration and curiosity because, in my opinion, 154 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: it's definitely a subconscious reason why relationships struggle and fail 155 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:13,840 Speaker 1: and become unequal. We see a lot of people say, oh, yeah, 156 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 1: you know, my partner, my husband, he contributes so much, 157 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: but I'm still so mentally exhausted. I feel unappreciated, but 158 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:26,960 Speaker 1: I cannot articulate why. That is at the core of 159 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,480 Speaker 1: what we're talking about today. You are describing the mental load, 160 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: So let's quickly break down why exactly it occurs. And 161 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,960 Speaker 1: I want to talk about three reasons in particular. The 162 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:42,200 Speaker 1: first one is socially conditioned gender roles the second is 163 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: weaponized in competence, and thirdly, it is just like deliberate 164 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,840 Speaker 1: ignorance and disrespect. I think this is the harshest reason, 165 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,200 Speaker 1: and I would also say it's the least common, but 166 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: it's still worthwhile to discuss. I also want to talk 167 00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 1: about how the mental load applies to friendships well, because 168 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 1: I think that that is an aspect of this that 169 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: our conversations around the mental load often overlooks. Let's get 170 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: back to that first factor, though, I want to talk 171 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 1: about socially conditioned gender roles in their contribution. We have 172 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,800 Speaker 1: come a long way in terms of gender equality, but 173 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,560 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that boys and girls aren't still raised differently, 174 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 1: socially conditioned differently. Even with our best efforts, even with 175 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:32,679 Speaker 1: all of our progressive rearing skills and progressive ways of 176 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 1: teaching boys and girls, that traditional way of viewing gender 177 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:42,559 Speaker 1: is still incredibly ingrained. There are centuries and centuries of 178 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 1: tradition there, and I don't think that one or two 179 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:50,080 Speaker 1: generations is going to fully eliminate some of the stereotypes overnight. 180 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:54,440 Speaker 1: So we know that within society exists this blueprint or 181 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:59,000 Speaker 1: guidebook on what behaviors are female and what behaviors are male, 182 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 1: what character traits are female, and what character traits are male. 183 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,080 Speaker 1: We all kind of know what I'm talking about, hopefully 184 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 1: without meaning to tell you. I'll just elaborate for the 185 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,200 Speaker 1: sake of it. You know, the type of typical male 186 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 1: behaviors that are acceptable are very different from those we 187 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 1: expect from women. Boys are allowed to be rough and 188 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:23,720 Speaker 1: independent and strong, and women are instructed to be passive, 189 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:29,120 Speaker 1: nurturing and pathetic accommodating. These are all skills and character 190 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,440 Speaker 1: traits that will eventually make them more likely to take 191 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 1: on that additional cognitive, emotional, and mental labor in a relationship, 192 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,600 Speaker 1: in a family, in a home. Now, when we talk 193 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:45,199 Speaker 1: about social conditioning in psychology, this refers to the ways 194 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:47,840 Speaker 1: in which we learn how to act by picking up 195 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,920 Speaker 1: clues or cues in our environment. When we behave in 196 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:58,320 Speaker 1: a certain way, especially as children, we are either reinforced 197 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 1: or punished for that behavioravior. The simple premise is, when 198 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 1: we are rewarded for a behavior, either through the addition 199 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,920 Speaker 1: of something that we want or the removal of something bad, 200 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,920 Speaker 1: that behavior is sustained and we learn to perform it 201 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,599 Speaker 1: more regularly. When we are punished, we associate that behavior 202 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:21,000 Speaker 1: with a bad outcome, Naturally we perform it less. That 203 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:25,800 Speaker 1: is a form of learning. So when girls as children 204 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 1: act in a way that is motherly and nurturing and accommodating, 205 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:34,360 Speaker 1: they're applauded for that with praise, with kind words, all 206 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: of which are a form of positive reinforcement, and it 207 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,600 Speaker 1: means that those behaviors are encouraged and are more likely 208 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:45,840 Speaker 1: to be performed again. In contrary, when they act in 209 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: ways that are counter to gender norms, they're scolded or 210 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:57,120 Speaker 1: they're punished because it's not aligning with society's blueprints and expectations. 211 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,960 Speaker 1: For example, a young girl might be called bossy for 212 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 1: standing up for herself, whereas a young boy is called 213 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: a leader, he's called authoritative. He receives praise, the kind 214 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: of praise that we only receive when we're kind and nurturing. 215 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,599 Speaker 1: I think that that is like a very basic feminism 216 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,959 Speaker 1: one oh one lesson. But how it relates to psychology 217 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: is that these small moments, although we might disregard them, 218 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 1: although we might look back on them and find them 219 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:28,640 Speaker 1: quite irritating, they are actually learning experiences, and our young 220 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:33,200 Speaker 1: brains absorb these like a sponge and carry them with 221 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: us as a guide for how society expects us to act. 222 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:39,320 Speaker 1: So from a young age we kind of know the 223 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,560 Speaker 1: roles that we should be fulfilling, even if no one 224 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:47,400 Speaker 1: has explicitly told us we are caregivers. We are givers, 225 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:51,000 Speaker 1: we are meant to be responsible. I think further to this, 226 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,559 Speaker 1: we think about the toys that we played with a children, 227 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:57,200 Speaker 1: the movies that we watched, the kind of patterns that 228 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,800 Speaker 1: we were exposed to. The other example I always think 229 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,959 Speaker 1: of is when a female student who is studious and 230 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 1: caring and hard working is made to sit with a 231 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:10,560 Speaker 1: rowdy male student and like help him do his work 232 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:14,240 Speaker 1: and help him stay focused as if she is his 233 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 1: parent or the teacher herself, when actually she is just 234 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:20,680 Speaker 1: a student. She is there to learn as well. In 235 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 1: those instances, though, we are playing this role of kind 236 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:30,080 Speaker 1: of the cognitive planner, the mental planner, the one who 237 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:33,080 Speaker 1: has to have everything organized out in our brain for 238 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,920 Speaker 1: how to get something done. The other factor here is, 239 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:41,160 Speaker 1: of course, observational learning. Girls often learn about domestic duties 240 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 1: by observing their parents, particularly their mothers. And no matter 241 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:51,920 Speaker 1: how progressive your family was, my family was incredibly progressive, 242 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,240 Speaker 1: like my dad was a stay at home dad, but 243 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:58,360 Speaker 1: there were still times where I saw my mom take 244 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:02,400 Speaker 1: on more of those how use hold chores. The chores 245 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,560 Speaker 1: were still divided along gender lines. You know, women do 246 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:11,160 Speaker 1: a lot of the domestic duties boys. Men are a 247 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: scientists that are perceived as more physically demanding, traditionally masculine 248 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 1: yard work, taking out the trash. All of these are 249 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,400 Speaker 1: cues to us. They are a learning experience, and we 250 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:30,200 Speaker 1: model our behavior on these expectations. We model our behavior, 251 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,240 Speaker 1: we mimic our caregivers, and that is how we become 252 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,880 Speaker 1: the people we are today. We know in psychology and 253 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,320 Speaker 1: from some of those early experiments with Bundura, that a 254 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:44,239 Speaker 1: lot of what we learn is through observation and replication. 255 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,520 Speaker 1: There are so many other factors here. The final one 256 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:52,520 Speaker 1: I will say is that we also see this pattern 257 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:56,920 Speaker 1: a lot of men being allowed to have like a 258 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:00,920 Speaker 1: longer period of adolescence compared to women. I'm going to 259 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 1: explain that a little bit more. I think that it 260 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:08,600 Speaker 1: is very kind of acceptable for men to be irresponsible, 261 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,960 Speaker 1: for men to make dumb mistakes, for men to like 262 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,400 Speaker 1: not know how to cook, not know how to clean. 263 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,120 Speaker 1: It's quirky it's funny, whereas with women it's kind of like, 264 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 1: you hit twenty one, Are you an adult? Yet? If not, 265 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 1: you're you're immature. You're not growing up fast enough, like 266 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: you're just acting like a child. Men are allowed to 267 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 1: stay in this period of infancy and adolescence and lesser 268 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,200 Speaker 1: responsibility for a lot longer. So women are the ones 269 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,600 Speaker 1: who are gaining those cognitive and mental skills around organization, 270 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,360 Speaker 1: around responsibility a lot earlier than their male counterparts, and 271 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:52,200 Speaker 1: that is then reflected in hetero relationships. I think just 272 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,320 Speaker 1: the simple premise is that the reason we see the 273 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 1: mental load again and again and again is that men 274 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,960 Speaker 1: have not been socialized in the same way as women 275 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,800 Speaker 1: to be attuned to the needs of others and to 276 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:08,480 Speaker 1: apply kind of the same level of cognitive processing as 277 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:13,719 Speaker 1: women do. It may also come down to genuine differences 278 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,720 Speaker 1: in personality, and I feel like I need to throw 279 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,040 Speaker 1: this in here. There has been a lot of research 280 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,360 Speaker 1: that has shown that women are more empathetic than men, 281 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,199 Speaker 1: and we know that empathy really at its core is 282 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,800 Speaker 1: the ability to recognize and relate to what's going on 283 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:30,800 Speaker 1: in someone else's mind. That includes that invisible list of 284 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,879 Speaker 1: things that need to get done around the house, in 285 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 1: the relationship, whatever it is. And it just might seem 286 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,280 Speaker 1: that men are not as clued into the inner workings 287 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,520 Speaker 1: of someone else's brain as women are, not just because 288 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,840 Speaker 1: they haven't been socialized that way, but also because they're 289 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:50,440 Speaker 1: levels of empathy may be a little bit less. Empathy 290 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: is a skill, it's a muscle, and I think that 291 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,640 Speaker 1: it can be built up if you're prepared to kind 292 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,760 Speaker 1: of do the work. And I think if you care 293 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,840 Speaker 1: about someone else, if you're around them a lot, eventually 294 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,919 Speaker 1: should be able to pick up on the way that 295 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,919 Speaker 1: they do things, what they prioritize, what they need to 296 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 1: get done, what creates stress for them, and kind of 297 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:14,440 Speaker 1: act without needing to be asked. I want to talk 298 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 1: about one final aspect of the mental load and its 299 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,480 Speaker 1: causes here, And you know what, maybe this might piss 300 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,040 Speaker 1: somebody off. I don't really mind, because I think that 301 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,160 Speaker 1: it is highly relevant to this discussion, and that has 302 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:33,320 Speaker 1: to do with weaponized incompetence. Again, this has been making 303 00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:36,960 Speaker 1: its rounds on social media. I think because people are 304 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,399 Speaker 1: getting a lot more clued in to the labor that 305 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,640 Speaker 1: women do that isn't just domestic and physical and in psychology, 306 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 1: weaponized incompetence refers to a deliberate or strategic use of falsified, fake, 307 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:58,040 Speaker 1: incompetence or ineffectiveness as a tactic to avoid doing something, 308 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,280 Speaker 1: in this case taking on the mental life keywords in 309 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:07,280 Speaker 1: that it is deliberate, it's strategic, it's false, and also 310 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,680 Speaker 1: obviously in competence, like it's not that this person actually 311 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:13,280 Speaker 1: is incompetent, they're pretending to be, so they're weaponizing it, 312 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:17,679 Speaker 1: you know, Weaponized incompetence sounds like you know, Oh, you 313 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 1: just do it so much better than me. Oh, I 314 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,400 Speaker 1: don't know how to do it. I'll just make more 315 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,440 Speaker 1: of a mess. You're just you're so much more organized, 316 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,960 Speaker 1: you have a system, Like I'm just gonna screw it up. 317 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 1: Why don't you just let me know what I can 318 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:33,960 Speaker 1: help with? And by intentionally appearing incompetent trying to elevate 319 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 1: your ineffectiveness in certain areas, this lowers expectations for you 320 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,639 Speaker 1: to actually get stuff done, and it also causes you 321 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:46,480 Speaker 1: to gain sympathy whilst avoiding responsibility. I have seen so 322 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,080 Speaker 1: many videos of this in recent months, where a woman 323 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:52,000 Speaker 1: asks her husband to do something while she's away and 324 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,720 Speaker 1: he just does a terrible job, as if she hasn't 325 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,679 Speaker 1: you know, he hasn't seen her do it a million times, 326 00:19:57,359 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 1: or you ask him to like do your to do 327 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:04,080 Speaker 1: li or take something off your agenda, and sometimes you think, 328 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,560 Speaker 1: like this person cannot possibly be that incompetent. They have 329 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,479 Speaker 1: a full time job, like they're probably very respected at work. 330 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,679 Speaker 1: You married him for a reason. Like this has to 331 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,320 Speaker 1: be deliberate in some ways. And you know what's worse 332 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:20,440 Speaker 1: than having to ask someone to do something, it's asking 333 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,080 Speaker 1: they're having them do it, and then you having to 334 00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:26,680 Speaker 1: redo it later. It leaves you feeling really angry and disappointed. 335 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 1: But you also don't want to sound like a nag 336 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,199 Speaker 1: because at least they put in the effort, and that 337 00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:34,159 Speaker 1: is weaponized in competence. Again, we can look for the 338 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,480 Speaker 1: origins of this behavior. Sometimes it is learned from childhood 339 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:42,840 Speaker 1: where boys men are allowed to escape responsibilities, and they 340 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,920 Speaker 1: may have learned that if their parent has asked them 341 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 1: to do the dishes or fold the laundry and they 342 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 1: did a really terrible job, or they said that they forgot, 343 00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:52,280 Speaker 1: they would get away with it. And so now it's 344 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,920 Speaker 1: a tactic to avoid doing a task altogether. We can 345 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,840 Speaker 1: make excuses, we can have reasons, we can have explanations, 346 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,679 Speaker 1: but regardless, I think it's really exhausting, especially in like 347 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:06,160 Speaker 1: a day and age where like no one really has 348 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,160 Speaker 1: the time to be doing more mental labor than they 349 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,040 Speaker 1: have to. And I know we've been talking a lot 350 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,480 Speaker 1: about this in the context of long term relationships where 351 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,840 Speaker 1: there is maybe a home to maintain or children whatnot, 352 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,720 Speaker 1: but this can also occur on the early stages of 353 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,119 Speaker 1: dating as well. If you're just like you've been dating 354 00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:29,160 Speaker 1: someone for a couple of years, whereby once they realize 355 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,440 Speaker 1: that you'll take on more of the responsibility of maintaining 356 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,280 Speaker 1: your lives together, of course they're going to say yes 357 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:40,200 Speaker 1: to that, because that's less responsibility on their plate. The 358 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,200 Speaker 1: biggest example I think that I've been that I've seen 359 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 1: in like friends relationships, not necessarily my own, but I 360 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,919 Speaker 1: see it quite a bit is planning date nights. You know, 361 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:54,199 Speaker 1: you say to your partner, Hey, I'd really like to 362 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:57,120 Speaker 1: do a date night, but like every time we do it, 363 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,280 Speaker 1: I plan it. I'm always the one who has to 364 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,480 Speaker 1: find something fun, something that's open at eight pm on 365 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,639 Speaker 1: a Monday, Like can you do it? And As the 366 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 1: date gets closer and closer, there's nothing planned. They keep 367 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,960 Speaker 1: saying they'll think of something, until you're at the stage 368 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,200 Speaker 1: where you have to decide whether A you just plan 369 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,639 Speaker 1: it or B you wait for them to do it, 370 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,439 Speaker 1: and you're disappointed because it's another night of sitting at 371 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 1: home watching TV ordering takeout. That is not what you deserve. 372 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:29,000 Speaker 1: And I think although no relationship is perfect, when you're 373 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,679 Speaker 1: with someone that you love and who respects you, you 374 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,840 Speaker 1: both still need to show up for each other, even 375 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,720 Speaker 1: if you're not feeling one hundred percent, you know. I 376 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,560 Speaker 1: think it's once again linked to that empathy thing. If this, 377 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,480 Speaker 1: if your partner is like, well, I'm just so exhausted 378 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,040 Speaker 1: from work, I'm so tired, like I never think of things, 379 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,960 Speaker 1: you're probably also in that same boat. Make sure you 380 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,440 Speaker 1: communicate that like they should want to step up for 381 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:54,560 Speaker 1: you to make it equal on both your parts. We 382 00:22:54,760 --> 00:23:00,359 Speaker 1: also see the mental load in friendships. I think it's 383 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,080 Speaker 1: talked about enough, but I think that a lot of 384 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:07,640 Speaker 1: us relate to this kind of experience whereby our friends 385 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,960 Speaker 1: just begin to expect that where the ones who will 386 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:14,280 Speaker 1: always make plans, we will make sure that the reservation 387 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:19,480 Speaker 1: is booked, the tickets are purchased, everyone has transportation, everyone 388 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:24,200 Speaker 1: knows what's going on. The endless list continues, yet again. 389 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,760 Speaker 1: Friendships take effort, much like romantic relationships, and sometimes that 390 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:33,359 Speaker 1: effort can become unbalanced. You're always the one reaching out, 391 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,280 Speaker 1: You're always the one needing to think of fun things 392 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,800 Speaker 1: to do. And I think that that is an example 393 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,640 Speaker 1: of where someone has begun to expect you to take 394 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:46,119 Speaker 1: on the cognitive labor of sustaining the relationship. There comes 395 00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:49,800 Speaker 1: a point where you have to evaluate if I love 396 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,320 Speaker 1: this saying, but like if the juice is worth the squeeze, 397 00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:55,679 Speaker 1: Like whether this person has just come to expect you 398 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,280 Speaker 1: to take on all the mental energy of sustaining your connection, 399 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 1: and what is that making you feel? Like? How is 400 00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:06,720 Speaker 1: that making you feel? The answer is probably not amazing, 401 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:10,159 Speaker 1: probably not great, because you never want to feel like 402 00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:17,159 Speaker 1: a relationship is unbalanced in such an extreme way. You know, 403 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,560 Speaker 1: you don't want to feel like someone is not mirroring 404 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:22,560 Speaker 1: your efforts, because what does that say about the respect 405 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,640 Speaker 1: they have for you, the respect they have for your connection, 406 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,119 Speaker 1: the respect they have for your relationship. I think it 407 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,920 Speaker 1: takes so much mental energy to initiate a conversation about 408 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,080 Speaker 1: these things. And maybe you don't have it in you 409 00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:40,119 Speaker 1: to vote even more of your finite cognitive space and 410 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:43,520 Speaker 1: time to this one side of relationship, but I think 411 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,640 Speaker 1: it's worth it, and there is a way to approach 412 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,960 Speaker 1: this and this conversation in a manner that gets kind 413 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:53,119 Speaker 1: of the best outcome and the solution for everyone. I 414 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,560 Speaker 1: really don't think it's a matter of like, oh, this person, 415 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,879 Speaker 1: you know, my partner is not taking on the mental load, 416 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,359 Speaker 1: failing to communicate that that's what you need done, and 417 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,560 Speaker 1: then just leaving them without giving them a chance to 418 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,560 Speaker 1: maybe adapt their behavior. And I think the same thing 419 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,720 Speaker 1: goes with friendship. The older we get, the further into 420 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,879 Speaker 1: our twenties, I think the more we realize that you 421 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,000 Speaker 1: can't just cut people off willy nilly. You can't just 422 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,439 Speaker 1: have issues and not communicate them, because you will end 423 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,520 Speaker 1: up just hurting yourself more as those relationships break down. 424 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,800 Speaker 1: So what we're going to talk about next is how 425 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:28,160 Speaker 1: to manage a conversation about the mental load in your relationship, 426 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,960 Speaker 1: how to kind of get to a place where there 427 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:35,200 Speaker 1: is a solution either in your friendships, your relationships and 428 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 1: other forms of connections that you might have, so all 429 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:47,440 Speaker 1: of that and more after this shortbreak, when you feel 430 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,480 Speaker 1: that you're taking on more of the mental load and relationship, 431 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,520 Speaker 1: that is going to have a number of bleed on effects, 432 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,000 Speaker 1: a lot of impacts not just on the relationship, but 433 00:25:56,080 --> 00:26:00,719 Speaker 1: your health as well. The primary one I think is burnout. 434 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:04,440 Speaker 1: Of course, a lot of research on this has been 435 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,320 Speaker 1: done with mothers who don't only have partners, but children 436 00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:11,320 Speaker 1: to look after it as well. Nearly nine to ten 437 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:16,240 Speaker 1: mothers in this one study felt that they were solely 438 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 1: responsible for managing and organizing the family's schedule, and it 439 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:24,240 Speaker 1: left them feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, unable to make space for themselves. 440 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:28,080 Speaker 1: Similar study found that seventy two percent of working mums, 441 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,040 Speaker 1: so not just stay at home mum's. Working moms feel 442 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,560 Speaker 1: that it's their job to stay on top of kids' schedules. 443 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:38,119 Speaker 1: Fifty two percent of them are also facing burnout. So 444 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:44,560 Speaker 1: when we think about this from a more psychological perspective, right, 445 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:50,200 Speaker 1: we really do only have a finite amount of mental space, 446 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:55,199 Speaker 1: cognitive space, mental resources. There are always things that are 447 00:26:55,240 --> 00:27:00,440 Speaker 1: going to be competing for our time. That includes things 448 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:07,080 Speaker 1: like work, personal things that you're going through, personal dilemmas friendships, 449 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:12,680 Speaker 1: making time to exercise, making time to prioritize yourself. When 450 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:16,160 Speaker 1: we feel like we are responsible for organizing someone else's 451 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:20,080 Speaker 1: life and the life that we share together, that is 452 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:24,560 Speaker 1: just more that is being taken out of this finite 453 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:29,400 Speaker 1: pool of what is available to us mentally, and it's 454 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: going to lead to exhaustion if other parts of our 455 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:36,840 Speaker 1: lives don't make space for that growth in that area. 456 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 1: I think it's important to see it this way and 457 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,200 Speaker 1: see it almost as like how we want to visualize it, 458 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,840 Speaker 1: whether it's like a cup or a pie or anything like, 459 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,719 Speaker 1: you really only have that much. Everything that you choose 460 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,440 Speaker 1: to put on your plate, you choose to devote your time, 461 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:56,960 Speaker 1: to your energy, to your love to takes away from 462 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:00,960 Speaker 1: that finite amount of thing that you have, and so 463 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,800 Speaker 1: what it requires you to do is sacrifice other things 464 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,200 Speaker 1: that are important to you. And those are the kinds 465 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:10,600 Speaker 1: of sacrifices that women often have to make more than men. 466 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,439 Speaker 1: Those things that they sacrifice first are normally going to 467 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,040 Speaker 1: be the things that they can live without, but they 468 00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: can't sustain themselves without things that actually contribute to self care, 469 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,600 Speaker 1: to a good sense of emotional wellbeing. If you have 470 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,440 Speaker 1: a really busy life, if you've got a lot going 471 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:32,600 Speaker 1: on and you know that you need to prioritize work, 472 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:36,040 Speaker 1: you need to prioritize your partner, you need to prioritize 473 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 1: your family, and you don't have time for anything else. 474 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,160 Speaker 1: The things that are going to get chopped, that are 475 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 1: going to get discarded is going to be things like exercise. 476 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:47,560 Speaker 1: It's going to be things like seeing your friends, things 477 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:50,000 Speaker 1: that are important for your self care. That it's going 478 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 1: to further the cycle of burnout. That is the main impact. 479 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,320 Speaker 1: I also think that you just start feeling that exhaustion 480 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,640 Speaker 1: long before you feel burnt out. And that exhaustion also 481 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:04,640 Speaker 1: contributes to a sense of resentment in your relationship. You 482 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:08,240 Speaker 1: don't feel respected because this person is not contributing what 483 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:12,440 Speaker 1: you feel like you are contributing. They did a study 484 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,200 Speaker 1: on this back in two thousand and one, right when 485 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:19,560 Speaker 1: the mental load was really starting to take off, and 486 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:23,160 Speaker 1: they found that when women in particular feel they're doing 487 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:29,240 Speaker 1: more of the cognitive labor, the amount of satisfaction they 488 00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:34,680 Speaker 1: report in their relationship declines. More mental load, less happy 489 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:40,520 Speaker 1: in relationship. It's a very i think simple correlation. When 490 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,000 Speaker 1: you're at that point where you're feeling really disappointed in 491 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,240 Speaker 1: your partner, but as we said before, you're not quite 492 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:49,360 Speaker 1: sure why, because the mental load and cognitive labor isn't 493 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:52,800 Speaker 1: as recognized as domestic labor. What you're going to do 494 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 1: is unconsciously, subconsciously find ways to get their attention, find 495 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:02,920 Speaker 1: ways to bring them into a discussion in which you're 496 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,560 Speaker 1: allowed to kind of air your anger and air your resentment. 497 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:09,240 Speaker 1: What I'm talking about here is emotional bids. Now we've 498 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:12,440 Speaker 1: spoken about this on the show before. I can't remember 499 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:16,440 Speaker 1: one episode, but essentially, emotional bids are like these efforts 500 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:20,040 Speaker 1: that we make to bring our partner's attention to some 501 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:23,960 Speaker 1: problem and have them reassure us. The best example I 502 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:28,360 Speaker 1: think of is picking a fight, or you know, being 503 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:31,000 Speaker 1: like Chipana, oh, hey, look at this, and then they 504 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: don't look at it, and your emotional bid has been neglected. Essentially, 505 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,040 Speaker 1: what you're asking from your partner in those moments is 506 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:42,160 Speaker 1: for attention and is for their compassion, is for them 507 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:46,000 Speaker 1: to contribute to the partnership. When you start to pick 508 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:48,239 Speaker 1: fights and you don't even know what the problem is, 509 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:50,680 Speaker 1: I find that you're probably not going to find this 510 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:54,200 Speaker 1: allusion to it either, and it's just going to end 511 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:56,400 Speaker 1: up wearing down on both of you, creating a lot 512 00:30:56,400 --> 00:31:02,280 Speaker 1: of stress, further exacerbating that resentment and leading to relationship breakdown. 513 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:06,880 Speaker 1: And I've seen this happen in a friend of mine's relationship, 514 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:11,200 Speaker 1: where after just so many times of trying to get 515 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:14,920 Speaker 1: her partner to do more for her, to just plan 516 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:18,280 Speaker 1: things to just like not have to ask her constantly, Hey, 517 00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,800 Speaker 1: weds dinner tonight? What time? What am I meant to 518 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,440 Speaker 1: be wearing? Did you get my mom a birthday present? Like? 519 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:26,760 Speaker 1: She had asked so many times for him to understand 520 00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:29,320 Speaker 1: where she was coming from that the relationship ended up 521 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:32,800 Speaker 1: not working out because she realized that he couldn't be 522 00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:35,480 Speaker 1: a good partner. And I felt bad for him because 523 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,120 Speaker 1: I think that he had such an opportunity there to 524 00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:41,920 Speaker 1: correct his behavior. All he required was a bit more empathy. 525 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,280 Speaker 1: So I want to talk about how we can fix 526 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,880 Speaker 1: this dynamic in which you might be taking on more 527 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:50,000 Speaker 1: of the mental load. I think the first step in 528 00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:55,160 Speaker 1: any relationship dispute whatever you want to call it, dissatisfaction 529 00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:59,840 Speaker 1: problem why not, is to make sure you were both 530 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:03,760 Speaker 1: on the same page about what the problem is. So 531 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,360 Speaker 1: maybe A good first step is to actually send them 532 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,280 Speaker 1: this episode, not just trying to get more listens or 533 00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:13,160 Speaker 1: anything like that, but seriously, like, I think it's really 534 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:15,680 Speaker 1: important that if they have never even heard of what 535 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:19,320 Speaker 1: the mental load is, if they have no clue what 536 00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:23,480 Speaker 1: you're talking about, that conversation is not going to be productive. 537 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:27,840 Speaker 1: And I also think that I think sadly the conversation 538 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:32,520 Speaker 1: will fail because they will immediately be defensive. Not to 539 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,360 Speaker 1: say that they should be, but I think that going 540 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,560 Speaker 1: into it with a mutual understanding of what you want 541 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:40,160 Speaker 1: to discuss and what you're actually referring to is super important. 542 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,000 Speaker 1: Maybe they listen to this episode they go, oh my god, absolutely, 543 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,680 Speaker 1: I totally get where you're coming from. We don't need 544 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:46,880 Speaker 1: to talk about it anymore. I'm going to step up. 545 00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:52,880 Speaker 1: After you have that genuine like mutual understanding, mutual knowledge, 546 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:58,080 Speaker 1: you have to decide whether you're going to tolerate a 547 00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:03,040 Speaker 1: continuance of this behavior or not. That is not a 548 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,360 Speaker 1: conclusion that I can reach for you. I don't know 549 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:07,640 Speaker 1: the pros and cons of your relationship. I don't know 550 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:11,760 Speaker 1: your dynamic, but you know you know your emotional state, 551 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 1: you know what you can tolerate you know what you're 552 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:18,360 Speaker 1: willing to tolerate, not just what you can, what you're 553 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:21,600 Speaker 1: willing to what you feel like you deserve. And if 554 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,640 Speaker 1: you're at this stage where you are so mentally fed 555 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:27,200 Speaker 1: up you're having the same fights over and over again, 556 00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:30,200 Speaker 1: that is a good indicator that the ceiling of your 557 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:34,160 Speaker 1: relationship needs to shift upwards, particularly that someone is not 558 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:39,160 Speaker 1: doing their bit, especially as it refers to the mental load. 559 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:43,200 Speaker 1: I think when it comes to having this conversation around 560 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:47,479 Speaker 1: a sense of dissatisfaction that someone's not pulling their weight, sadly, 561 00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:49,400 Speaker 1: the burden will probably fall on you to bring this 562 00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,080 Speaker 1: up and discuss it with your partner, but hopefully it's 563 00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:54,680 Speaker 1: a one time chat. I would say going into this, 564 00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,000 Speaker 1: make sure obviously firstly they know what you're talking about, 565 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:01,719 Speaker 1: but also be mindful of the response ability bias. So 566 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,840 Speaker 1: this is this idea in psychology that basically we are 567 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:09,439 Speaker 1: only really aware, fully aware of what we're doing. We 568 00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:13,040 Speaker 1: only know what we're responsible for, We only know our actions. 569 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:15,200 Speaker 1: We only know the times that we cleaned out the bin, 570 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:18,000 Speaker 1: not the times that you did. You know, and if 571 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:21,880 Speaker 1: you haven't verbalized the efforts that you're going to to 572 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,960 Speaker 1: keep the house up to scratch or to contribute to 573 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,880 Speaker 1: the relationship. It might be hard for them to know, 574 00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:31,640 Speaker 1: and they're immediately going to come in with their perspective, 575 00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:34,200 Speaker 1: and their perspective is, in my mind, here are all 576 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,880 Speaker 1: the things I'm doing. I have absolutely no clue how 577 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:41,960 Speaker 1: much you're doing. That is where communication is your best friend. 578 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:46,759 Speaker 1: Give them literal examples, but try not to guilt trip 579 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 1: them in the process. Remember, you want this to work, 580 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,640 Speaker 1: like you want this relationship to work, That's why you're 581 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,800 Speaker 1: putting in this effort. Talk them through what it takes 582 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,000 Speaker 1: for you to do all this extra mental labor. What 583 00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,080 Speaker 1: does your to do list look like? What is the 584 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:04,200 Speaker 1: extra stuf, extra ingredients that you're putting into this relationship 585 00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:07,440 Speaker 1: that they could take on. Is it planning dates? Is 586 00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:10,680 Speaker 1: it understanding when flights need to be booked for a 587 00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:14,440 Speaker 1: weekend away? Is it making plans? Is it just listening 588 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:16,600 Speaker 1: and being aware of your schedule the way that you're 589 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:20,080 Speaker 1: aware of theirs. These are all small important things that 590 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:24,000 Speaker 1: they might not realize you've been doing until you communicate them. 591 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:26,359 Speaker 1: Was something that a friend of mine was telling me 592 00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:28,759 Speaker 1: the other day, which when I was asking her about 593 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,000 Speaker 1: this episode, I was like, okay, so what would you 594 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:34,480 Speaker 1: do in this situation? And she used this really she 595 00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:37,000 Speaker 1: gave me this really amazing advice, which is put a 596 00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:40,720 Speaker 1: list of everything that you do each week on the fridge, 597 00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,920 Speaker 1: everything that needs to be done, and each person gets 598 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,360 Speaker 1: a different colored pen and you take them off. It 599 00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:49,920 Speaker 1: sounds so rudimentary, but it's really important to actually be like, 600 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,360 Speaker 1: is my resentment coming from a fair place or is 601 00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 1: my partner actually doing an equal amount of labor. It's 602 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,040 Speaker 1: just that I have this responsibility bias going on. I 603 00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:02,719 Speaker 1: can't actually see what they're doing. Also, you can use 604 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:06,839 Speaker 1: some of that reverse reinforcement. You know, if they don't 605 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:10,319 Speaker 1: buy the birthday present for their mom, the mom doesn't 606 00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:15,359 Speaker 1: get a birthday present, that is some negative punishment right there. 607 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,600 Speaker 1: They're gonna feel really bad. They're gonna feel the shame. 608 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:21,440 Speaker 1: It wasn't your responsibility. They're gonna learn through that if 609 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:23,920 Speaker 1: they don't plan the date, you go and do something 610 00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:26,200 Speaker 1: else because they didn't make plans. Even if you're in 611 00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:28,960 Speaker 1: a relationship. I know it sounds harsh, but it is 612 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,520 Speaker 1: this thing of like you need to continuously be dating 613 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,879 Speaker 1: me in a sense, and if you're not, like I 614 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:37,239 Speaker 1: am not just like your backup option. You're not just 615 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:40,480 Speaker 1: my backup option. We are like actively trying to be 616 00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:43,160 Speaker 1: partners and be in each other's lives and make each 617 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:46,839 Speaker 1: other's lives better and easier and more vibrant. And if 618 00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:49,319 Speaker 1: that's not what we're doing right now, I am going 619 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:52,360 Speaker 1: to find other ways to do that. I need you 620 00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:55,360 Speaker 1: to step up. It might sound harsh, I think it works, 621 00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:59,560 Speaker 1: especially when it's combined with really good communication and a 622 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,359 Speaker 1: really good open dialogue of like, how are you both 623 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,480 Speaker 1: actually feeling right now, and how are you feeling that 624 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:07,680 Speaker 1: you're taking on more of the mental load? What are 625 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:10,680 Speaker 1: some of the things that they might not know that 626 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,600 Speaker 1: it is creating for your mental state, for your limited 627 00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:18,120 Speaker 1: cognitive resources, for your well being. Over communicate and then 628 00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:21,600 Speaker 1: let them make a decision. You cannot control what they 629 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:24,880 Speaker 1: choose to do with that information. If you find yourself 630 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,520 Speaker 1: continuing to just like having to ask them and nag 631 00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:30,840 Speaker 1: them and bring them up, bring it up again and 632 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:33,120 Speaker 1: again and again, I think that is a different conversation 633 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,360 Speaker 1: that is no longer a conversation about mental load. I 634 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:39,600 Speaker 1: think that is a conversation about disrespect and a lack 635 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:44,640 Speaker 1: of empathy, and maybe it's important to start thinking about 636 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,560 Speaker 1: when it is time to walk away and find someone 637 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,600 Speaker 1: who you don't need to tell this to. They already 638 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:54,200 Speaker 1: know how to do it. They already have done the work. 639 00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:58,080 Speaker 1: They've already learned what it means to be an equal partner. 640 00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:01,160 Speaker 1: It's not just domestic labor, it's not just physical labor. 641 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:05,480 Speaker 1: It is cognitive labor as well, being equally responsible for 642 00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:09,120 Speaker 1: the life that you share. I really hope that this episode, 643 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:12,800 Speaker 1: this fun Valentine's Date episode, has been helpful. I'm realizing 644 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:14,480 Speaker 1: that it got a little bit less fun at the end, 645 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 1: but I think it is an important reminder that just 646 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:21,200 Speaker 1: because you love this person, just because they're like your soulmate, 647 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:24,360 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you have to be dissatisfied with areas 648 00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:27,560 Speaker 1: of your relationship. Doesn't mean you need to tolerate something 649 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:31,279 Speaker 1: that can be fixed through a conversation and through like 650 00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:36,880 Speaker 1: reverse reinforcement and learning and reconditioning. So I really enjoyed 651 00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:39,839 Speaker 1: this episode. I found it like super fascinating to look 652 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,600 Speaker 1: further into the science and the psychology. As I said, 653 00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:45,799 Speaker 1: my very good friend Erin actually suggested this topic and 654 00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:47,880 Speaker 1: she knew so much more than I ever did, so 655 00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:51,279 Speaker 1: Thank you Aeron, love you Hapes. I'm glad that our 656 00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: relationship does not suffer from mental load problems. If there's 657 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,120 Speaker 1: someone you think would enjoy this episode, please feel free 658 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:00,719 Speaker 1: to share it with them, send them a link. Make 659 00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:03,000 Speaker 1: sure you are leaving us a five star review if 660 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:06,520 Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode. If you have an episode suggestion, 661 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,480 Speaker 1: they have been flowing in recently, but I always do 662 00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:12,040 Speaker 1: like to read them, even if I cannot reply to 663 00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:16,440 Speaker 1: every single one. Please follow us at that Psychology Podcast 664 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:21,040 Speaker 1: to send your thoughts, your theories, your qualms, your questions. 665 00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:24,080 Speaker 1: Give us there and have a lovely rest of your week. 666 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:33,040 Speaker 1: We will be back on Friday with another episode.