Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. God are we rolling? Brett? Are
Speaker 1: we rolling? You're going It's happening, Catherine. You had a
Speaker 1: big party this weekend. I did. It was my thirty
Speaker 1: eighth birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you. Brad had I think
Speaker 1: the best idea for a theme. He was like, well,
Speaker 1: can be the nineteenth anniversary of your nineteenth birthday. I
Speaker 1: loved that idea. I was like, it's so ridiculous, it
Speaker 1: just might work. And so everyone dressed as they did
Speaker 1: when they were nineteen, including and I'll have to show
Speaker 1: you a picture of this my one friend who was
Speaker 1: a Mormon missionary when he was nineteen, So he wore
Speaker 1: the whole get up with like the tie and the
Speaker 1: name tag and everything. Yeah, he was like, this is
Speaker 1: what I looked like when I was nineteen. So as
Speaker 1: he recovered from being a more thanks thanks God, as
Speaker 1: they say an espanyah, thanks God. I wasn't there, Captaine,
Speaker 1: because I got my face scraped off, because the way
Speaker 1: I lived my life is I go for it and
Speaker 1: then I reverse the damage. So I was in my
Speaker 1: hyperbaric chamber unfortunately, but I know all the girls came,
Speaker 1: and yes, I've been recuperating I rented a hyperbaric chamber
Speaker 1: because I did that Morpheus fucking laser. Yeah. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I gotta tell I'm buying that thing. That thing. First
Speaker 1: of all, I've read six books. I've read six books
Speaker 1: in six days. Because you're in there. You could go
Speaker 1: in there for like two and a half hours. Yeah,
Speaker 1: well I can. I mean the one I have, you
Speaker 1: could go in for two and a half hours. Max
Speaker 1: isn't like it pressurizes you. Yeah, so oxygenates you. So
Speaker 1: it gives you like one hundred and fifty percent oxygen
Speaker 1: when normally I think we get from thirty to fifty percent.
Speaker 1: I don't really know what I'm talking about here, but
Speaker 1: this is visa ving my assistant, one of my assistants.
Speaker 1: I'll pretend that I don't. I mean, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to pretend that I don't have more than one assistant.
Speaker 1: I do, and this podcast is about honesty on some
Speaker 1: other things. But he's telling me that that's what happens.
Speaker 1: I'm going to read more about it, but I am
Speaker 1: going to purchase it because it's incredible and also it
Speaker 1: gives you this a lotted amount of time, Like this morning,
Speaker 1: I did ninety minutes, but to read. So I've read
Speaker 1: yeah everything, I mean not everything, but I went on
Speaker 1: a little fix reading Tirade when I was a whistler
Speaker 1: because I was just enjoying myself. Yeah, but then, like everything,
Speaker 1: I like to reverse that, and then I like to
Speaker 1: flip it and reverse it. This intro is all about
Speaker 1: turning back time. Yeah. Well, I wanted to resupplement my
Speaker 1: brain with more informative stuff. So now then I made
Speaker 1: a commitment to read hard things. So I'm reading five
Speaker 1: books at one time. One is on Cuba, which is
Speaker 1: fucking fascinating. How you posted, Yes, it's called it's by
Speaker 1: Aida Ferrar. I believe it's called An American History in Cuba.
Speaker 1: Maybe anyway, Cuba's and big letters on the cover of
Speaker 1: the book, so that should sort everything out. But it's fascinating.
Speaker 1: It talks about Columbus landing on Hispaniola, which was the
Speaker 1: Dominican Republic, and Haiti and before and Cuba. He never
Speaker 1: landed in the United States at all nearby, And then
Speaker 1: it talks about, you know, how the how Cuba became
Speaker 1: like the port of the West, like the intro, so
Speaker 1: all the Spaniards would come over, go to South America
Speaker 1: and go to Mexico, come back with all the goods,
Speaker 1: drop port and refuel you know, food, hookers whatever, Cuba. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then they would go back to Europe and that's
Speaker 1: what started piracy because the French wanted in on the
Speaker 1: action of all the ship the Spanish were getting, so
Speaker 1: then they started piracy. And then they attacked Cuba and
Speaker 1: they had to refortify it and make it a port
Speaker 1: that was like defensible. It's fascinating and it's a huge
Speaker 1: gap in my knowledge of what happened in the world. Well,
Speaker 1: when you read, you were saying on your post, like
Speaker 1: I should go back to history class. But they didn't
Speaker 1: teach us the stuff in history class because it was
Speaker 1: all anglicized and colonize our size and it's only any worse,
Speaker 1: especially if you want to go to Florida. He should
Speaker 1: be arrested, I mean he honestly, Ronda Santos is so disgusting. Anyway,
Speaker 1: more positive note, I'm reading that Short History of Humanity
Speaker 1: is another book that I'm reading, which is fascinating about
Speaker 1: Neanderthals and denis Ovans, which I didn't even knew existed,
Speaker 1: and Anatolia all this shit, and that's good. And then
Speaker 1: I'm reading Katie Kurik's biography because I hadn't finished that one,
Speaker 1: and so that's awesome because that's a nice good dose
Speaker 1: of She's so cute. When we had on the podcast,
Speaker 1: I was like, wait a second, I didn't finish her book.
Speaker 1: I need to. She loves you by the way I
Speaker 1: love her. She came to my comedy I got my
Speaker 1: Comedy Icon awarded south By Southwest, and she showed up.
Speaker 1: So we were able to tell the Woody's Alan's story together,
Speaker 1: which was awesome. And then what else am I reading? Oh?
Speaker 1: This other book that my friend that I are on
Speaker 1: our best behavior, which we're having her on the podcast
Speaker 1: at least loan In, which is all about the Seven
Speaker 1: Deadly Sins, how they were orchestrated because of religion, and
Speaker 1: how it basically introduced patriarchy into society and why how
Speaker 1: we're trying to dismantlate and all of the things that
Speaker 1: you know, greed, sloth, all of this stuff that we're
Speaker 1: supposed to not feel is obviously impossible. And then I
Speaker 1: am reading Matthew McConaughey's book, another one I started but
Speaker 1: then I never finished because now we have him coming
Speaker 1: on the podcast, you guys for our very final episode
Speaker 1: of the season. Yeah, because he's promoting something very unexpected yea.
Speaker 1: And his book is fucking incredible And I am late
Speaker 1: to the party on this as usual because it was
Speaker 1: one of those books that everyone was talking about, yeah
Speaker 1: or you know, probably still are, and it was on
Speaker 1: the bestseller list for weeks and weeks and weeks, and
Speaker 1: I know why. It is incredible. He's so deep and
Speaker 1: not in a way that you, you know, want to
Speaker 1: make fun of. It's deep in a sincere cringe. It's
Speaker 1: not cringing. It's totally real. And he's a man and
Speaker 1: like a renegade and a renaissance, a man on all
Speaker 1: of the things. So yeah, I'm really excited to talk
Speaker 1: to him. Then there's this one Tao te Ching Stephen Mitchell,
Speaker 1: which is like, oh, that is a great little read
Speaker 1: for everybody who's listening to this, because it's the Tao
Speaker 1: of Ching, like it's how you become spiritual and relaxed.
Speaker 1: And I love this quote I read in it, like
Speaker 1: when the student needs a teacher, the teacher shows up
Speaker 1: right on time, and then when the student no longer
Speaker 1: needs the teacher, the teacher disappears. So it was a
Speaker 1: nice metaphor for all the people that come in and
Speaker 1: out of your life. Right, Yeah, I just got a
Speaker 1: chuff from that. I had a teacher depart just very recently.
Speaker 1: Oh really yeah, and not dead but exited my sphere. Well,
Speaker 1: so okay, yes, yes. Then there's Breath by James Nestor.
Speaker 1: Have you read that? No? I haven't. This is my
Speaker 1: friend Nikola brought this up for me for my birthday
Speaker 1: this year, and it's all about breathing and how you
Speaker 1: can calm yourself down when you're having a panic attack
Speaker 1: or anxiety, or even like getting yourself to sleep at night,
Speaker 1: waking up in the morning, ways to energize yourself. I've
Speaker 1: never really been into breathwork, so I'm trying to like
Speaker 1: open that door. Yeah. And then you know my all
Speaker 1: time favorite, which is Letting Go. I thought we would
Speaker 1: do a little book update for all the reading books.
Speaker 1: So this book that I talk about all the time,
Speaker 1: the Pathway of Surrender by David Hawkins, who's a PhD
Speaker 1: in an MD. I talk about this. I mentioned it
Speaker 1: on the podcast a lot because I always go back
Speaker 1: to this book and I'm not a person that reads
Speaker 1: books more than once. But I always go back to
Speaker 1: this book because it really really can help you out,
Speaker 1: like the energy that you're putting out, the vibration that
Speaker 1: you're putting out right, like, are you attracting good things?
Speaker 1: Are you putting out negativity? Are you stuck in your grief?
Speaker 1: Are you stuck in your pain? Are you stuck in
Speaker 1: not letting go? Or you stuck in blame? And then
Speaker 1: like the latter to working your way up to courage
Speaker 1: to bravery, to love to compassion, you know, and that
Speaker 1: every time we have an emotion, there's an opposite emotion,
Speaker 1: and we are choosing to either sit in the negative
Speaker 1: emotion or move on to the positive emotion. So I
Speaker 1: love this book because it really is deep and it
Speaker 1: really makes you realize the more aligned you are with
Speaker 1: everything that's going on, the more accepting you are of
Speaker 1: things that don't go your way, the easier everything becomes,
Speaker 1: and the higher vibration that you're like putting out there,
Speaker 1: and then all these things just start happening. It's kind
Speaker 1: of like magic. I mean, it's happened to me so
Speaker 1: many times, especially when I get in a funk, I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh no, no no, no, you're not allowed to do this anymore,
Speaker 1: and not in a berating kind of way. It's just
Speaker 1: like lift yourself up, yourself out of it, you know,
Speaker 1: So that kind of you know, attitude. It's a nice
Speaker 1: reminder to like always switch it around, flip it. You know.
Speaker 1: We had a really interesting conversation with my dad this
Speaker 1: week about exactly that we have been having a frustrating
Speaker 1: time with a contractor who's ghosting and this and this,
Speaker 1: and we already paid him and he's not shown up
Speaker 1: and he's doing shoddy work and all these things when
Speaker 1: he does show up, and you know, it had been
Speaker 1: really weighing on us and getting worse and worse, and
Speaker 1: we're just like so frustrated and upset, and we finally
Speaker 1: called my dad and we're like, what do we do?
Speaker 1: Do we have to take this guy to court? Like
Speaker 1: what do we which we didn't want to do because
Speaker 1: we know that's just a nightmare and a half. And
Speaker 1: my dad goes, you know what, it's a learning experience.
Speaker 1: You're allowed to be mad about it for forty eight
Speaker 1: hours and then you let it the fuck go, and
Speaker 1: you know what it was, so, you know, the conversation
Speaker 1: we had with him was so full of love, and
Speaker 1: he was like, unfortunately, this is just like a thing
Speaker 1: that happens, and you're learning a lesson, and it's an
Speaker 1: expensive lesson, but you don't need to carry this weight
Speaker 1: around with you and this anger around with you that's poisonous.
Speaker 1: Be angry for a moment, and then move on. And
Speaker 1: since that conversation, we've made it into this positive. We're
Speaker 1: moving on, even though sometimes it's a little difficult because
Speaker 1: we're sort of getting ourselves out of the sticky situation.
Speaker 1: And you know, now Brad's dad is going to come
Speaker 1: out and help him with some of the building, which
Speaker 1: they love to build things together. So we're really turning
Speaker 1: it into I think something that's going to be really lovely.
Speaker 1: He's going to have good memories of doing this with
Speaker 1: his dad, and so I think it's going to work
Speaker 1: out just fine. But you do have to make this
Speaker 1: conscious decision of like I'm going to be done with that,
Speaker 1: you know, and kind of like catch yourself and be like, no,
Speaker 1: what can we do to actually make this a positive.
Speaker 1: It's also talks about blame a lot, like when you
Speaker 1: blame someone for something, even if it is completely their fault,
Speaker 1: what is that buying you, like, why do you need
Speaker 1: to blame someone like and this is a perfect example
Speaker 1: of like, well, obviously it's the contractor's fault because he
Speaker 1: did it everything. But it's like, what's the point of that,
Speaker 1: you know, what's the point of blaming him for that?
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously it's money. It's frustrating all of the things,
Speaker 1: especially when someone's so irresponsible and contractors are notorious for
Speaker 1: blowing people off and you know, not finishing the job
Speaker 1: on time or raping you for prices. But yeah, it's
Speaker 1: like what are you gaining from the blame? What are
Speaker 1: you buying yourself? Because there's always something that you're getting, Like, oh,
Speaker 1: then you're innocent. Even if you blame someone for a
Speaker 1: breakup like he was crazy or he was out of
Speaker 1: control or blah blah blah, it's like, well, yeah, but
Speaker 1: so then you're scott free. You're innocent. Like it talks
Speaker 1: about the concept of like just let it all go,
Speaker 1: don't hold onto those sort of emotions. Yeah, the blame
Speaker 1: is what keeps you cycling of like I gotta make
Speaker 1: this person act a certain way, whether it's a relationship
Speaker 1: or something like this, I gotta make them do this.
Speaker 1: I gotta like force them to do this. They are
Speaker 1: at fault for X y Z. But it's like, once
Speaker 1: you're just realized that you actually can't force anybody to
Speaker 1: be a certain way, or do a certain thing or
Speaker 1: show up for you, it gets a lot easier to
Speaker 1: let that go. And you're like, I actually can't force
Speaker 1: this person to do anything. Okay, so what do I
Speaker 1: do instead? I move on, I figure out what the
Speaker 1: solution actually is. And the solution is actually probably going
Speaker 1: to come from me, you know, not from this external
Speaker 1: source that I can't force to do anything right exactly. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I mean that's my reading situation right now. I
Speaker 1: can't get enough of this shit. I'm so excited about
Speaker 1: how much I'm consuming. I'm going to have to get
Speaker 1: a hyperbaric chamber so I have time to read. I know,
Speaker 1: I know you can't bring your phone in there, and
Speaker 1: I have to because I have to time how much
Speaker 1: time I'm in there. Yeah, but I try not to
Speaker 1: be on that, you know, can see. I'm curious. Do
Speaker 1: you find that the increased oxygen in the hyperbaric chamber
Speaker 1: makes it easier to like focus when reading and that
Speaker 1: kind of stuff? I mean, I can't really tell the difference.
Speaker 1: Casey says he has more clarity when he gets out.
Speaker 1: But I don't know. I just I know it's reducing swelling.
Speaker 1: That's all I know. But yes, I'm not having any
Speaker 1: trouble focusing on my reading. I mean, I know that
Speaker 1: it does a lot of healing after the fact. In
Speaker 1: there for an hour and a half or two hours
Speaker 1: or whatever, you can withstand and then after the fact
Speaker 1: it continues to heal you or has healing proponents. So
Speaker 1: I know that much. And also my recovery time for
Speaker 1: this what I did and the laser was half of
Speaker 1: what it was when I didn't use the hyperbaric chamber. Also,
Speaker 1: you guys, I have a second show in Spokane, Washington
Speaker 1: that we added. I want you everybody to know that
Speaker 1: because I'd like to sell that one out as well
Speaker 1: as the first show. We added it on Thursday night
Speaker 1: before the first show. I think that's in April. And
Speaker 1: then I'm playing Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. Fabulous. Ah, yeah,
Speaker 1: so come on, let's go to that too, because that's
Speaker 1: almost sold out. All the other dates for a Little
Speaker 1: Big Bitch Tour are available at Chelseahandler dot com and yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm really excited. Most of the cities are almost sold out.
Speaker 1: I love that, guys, go see it's gonna be so fun.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be fun. I can't wait to get on
Speaker 1: stage again. I have so much shit to try out
Speaker 1: and work out and figure out that I'm really excited.
Speaker 1: Usually fine that you really like this portion where you're
Speaker 1: trying new things the most, or do you like it
Speaker 1: when it's like really dialed in. No, I used to
Speaker 1: like it when it was really dialed in, but I've
Speaker 1: never been at this Lucy goosey about it, Like, I'm
Speaker 1: just going to go to Nashville next week and really
Speaker 1: just go up there and try shit and not use
Speaker 1: it as like, know that it's an experiment, not that
Speaker 1: it's a show. It is a show, but it's my thing.
Speaker 1: And yeah, and just kind of not worrying too much
Speaker 1: about where it goes or what direction it leads in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just like your dancing. Yeah, just like my dancing doing it.
Speaker 1: I make dance on stage. Oh my gosh, you just
Speaker 1: never know what to expect. I am actually reading something also.
Speaker 1: It is one of the books that Laurel and Jackson recommended.
Speaker 1: Return to Life extraordinary cases of children who remember past lives.
Speaker 1: It is pretty interesting. It's a little bit like this
Speaker 1: kid said this thing and it was right. So it's
Speaker 1: a little bit of that sort of repeatedly, and then
Speaker 1: all of a sudden in the third section, it's taken
Speaker 1: a turn toward quantum mechanics, which is a quantum theory
Speaker 1: which is sort of hard to like pay attention to
Speaker 1: us It like what is that falling asleep? It's about
Speaker 1: is it another dimension? Basically, it's about like the dimensionality
Speaker 1: of space time and like how particles work and how
Speaker 1: like how when a shooting when you see a shooting
Speaker 1: start happened four thousand billion years ago and seeing it now, yes,
Speaker 1: And there's also a lot of mystery to it, like yeah,
Speaker 1: I bet because it's fucking confusing. It's it's hard to
Speaker 1: read while I'm following asleep at night. But the book
Speaker 1: itself is really interesting. He talks about like, for example,
Speaker 1: there's one kid who's like three, and he starts talking
Speaker 1: about a plane crash and he died in a plane
Speaker 1: crash in his previous life, and he knows his plane
Speaker 1: took off from a boat and it was called the
Speaker 1: USS and Automa and they start looking into all these things.
Speaker 1: It's like three year old knows where Eojima is on
Speaker 1: the map, and they like find the person who they
Speaker 1: think that he was who died in this crash, and
Speaker 1: like his best friend who was on the ship with him.
Speaker 1: It's actually like pretty bookie and pretty cool. Yeah. I've
Speaker 1: read stuff like that where kids like speak a language
Speaker 1: that they've never been taught at a very young age,
Speaker 1: which makes which is nonsensical. Or they'll remember a day
Speaker 1: in time. I remember reading it. I think it was
Speaker 1: either Many Lives, Many Masters, which is another Laura Lynn
Speaker 1: Jackson recommendation. But this kid remembering that he left his
Speaker 1: wife and two children, and they went and found the
Speaker 1: wife and two children were so alive, so like under
Speaker 1: the pretense that he had been reincarnated, and as if
Speaker 1: a young child under five remembered all of this and
Speaker 1: where they were and that's where they were. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the thing. It's crazy. It's like they really go
Speaker 1: through and sort of scientifically kind of quote unquote prove
Speaker 1: these things that this kid is saying that are correct.
Speaker 1: It's bonkers, you know, preincarnation is a real thing. Like, fuck,
Speaker 1: I hope this is my last go round. I don't
Speaker 1: I don't want to come back as something like you know,
Speaker 1: and then have to work hard again at my finding
Speaker 1: myself and fucking working and uh, I just I just
Speaker 1: want to break, you know. I'd rather be a like
Speaker 1: a light, like a light work or in heaven and
Speaker 1: helping people on earth do their best life. I think
Speaker 1: Pisces are supposed to be living their last lives. Oh
Speaker 1: that radically, it's supposed to be like, if you're Pisces,
Speaker 1: this is your last go round. We are old souls,
Speaker 1: we are true dad, sister Chelsea, I have some fun
Speaker 1: updates for us, yes, previous episodes. That's kind of what's
Speaker 1: really fun about these episodes is we get to hear
Speaker 1: from a lot of folks who have thoughts or are
Speaker 1: letting us know how things are going with them. So
Speaker 1: we'll get this one out of the way first, since
Speaker 1: I know it is not a fun topic for you,
Speaker 1: but this is an update about our guy who is
Speaker 1: leaving skid marks all over the girlfriend's house. I thought
Speaker 1: it gonna be about snakes or something something murder marks. Yes,
Speaker 1: this was a disgusting call. It was the worst about
Speaker 1: a girl's boyfriend who sleeps over and leave skid marks
Speaker 1: on the bed from his apparently all over the house
Speaker 1: and apparently on the sofa, like because I guess he's
Speaker 1: a Saint Bernard apparently. Well, Christie wrote in and said, Hey,
Speaker 1: Catherine and Chelsea, I just listened to the latest episode
Speaker 1: and wanted to let you know this skid mark situation
Speaker 1: amongst men is more common than you think. Some men
Speaker 1: sadly were not taught to wash their asshole in the shower.
Speaker 1: They think just scrubbing me outside of the butt will suffice.
Speaker 1: One Reddit poster was blown away and shocked that he
Speaker 1: was supposed to quote get up in there with soap
Speaker 1: and water. I highly recommend that this girlfriend get up
Speaker 1: a day. The Tushi brand is easy to install and affordable. No,
Speaker 1: I don't work for them, just very pro bi day.
Speaker 1: Just a thought, what brand Tushi? Tushi? Yeah, they have
Speaker 1: all these like at home? Baday, Well, I guess all
Speaker 1: the days would be at home, But you're gonna go
Speaker 1: to a restaurant and use a biday hopefully not. But
Speaker 1: she said, love the podcast, Love you both. My deepest
Speaker 1: sympathies to Chelsea Umberts passing. May his memory be a
Speaker 1: blessing So It's a nice way to wind up an
Speaker 1: email about something uncomfortable. Yeah. Oh, I thought the email
Speaker 1: is going to be from someone the girl who was
Speaker 1: dealing with No, she has not responded. Yea, she has
Speaker 1: not responded yet. But I thought up a day as
Speaker 1: a great idea. I'm like, I didn't even think of that.
Speaker 1: So yeah, the day is a good idea for everybody.
Speaker 1: I think so too. Although I am not probe day.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's very clammy. I'm a cotton ll
Speaker 1: wipe scale, so I like to be squeaky clean up. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I like wipes as well. Yeah, yeah, the water is
Speaker 1: too wet for me. So this is another caller who
Speaker 1: is weighing in and I thought this was just a
Speaker 1: really good email about postpartum depression from our Megan Trainer episode.
Speaker 1: She does not provide a name, but this listener wrote
Speaker 1: in with a really thoughtful email. I'm writing to weigh
Speaker 1: in on postpartum depression from your Megan Trainer episode. There
Speaker 1: was a caller who was worried her depression might come
Speaker 1: back postpartum. I loved what Megan Trainer said, and I
Speaker 1: wanted to add perspective from a mother of two who
Speaker 1: went through it myself. This is what I wished I
Speaker 1: had known at the time. This happens to so many women,
Speaker 1: and it's incredibly overwhelming to deal with if you think
Speaker 1: you're on your own. Secondly, and most importantly, prepare your partner.
Speaker 1: Many first time moms are afraid to use their partner
Speaker 1: because they want to be the mom who can do
Speaker 1: it all. This is a farce, so give up that
Speaker 1: ego game ahead of time. You will make mistakes and
Speaker 1: struggle to understand your baby, and so will your partner,
Speaker 1: which is okay. You'll each have a relationship with this kid,
Speaker 1: so you need to figure it out together. Communicate expectations
Speaker 1: together ahead of time. Side note, if your partner is male,
Speaker 1: it feels like many men will grow up with the
Speaker 1: expectation that they're not as nurturing as women, which is
Speaker 1: another farce. I recommend taking the pressure off yourself and
Speaker 1: allowing him space to lean into his nurturing side and
Speaker 1: let him learn about his baby and letting him struggle
Speaker 1: at times. Thirdly, go easy on yourself. Remember your body
Speaker 1: will go through a roller coaster of hormones after giving birth.
Speaker 1: Ride the wave. Don't get frustrated with yourself, so you
Speaker 1: can listen to your needs and adjust. Don't resent your
Speaker 1: body's signs and suffer through them. Take naps. You might
Speaker 1: feel gross from sweating all night. Make sure you bathe
Speaker 1: in a hot and cold shower. Drink electrolytes or coconut water,
Speaker 1: and take safe supplements. Talk to your doctor. Also, have
Speaker 1: accessible fulfilling snacks, water bottles, and electrolyte powder in all
Speaker 1: rooms of the house. Hunger and diet will play a
Speaker 1: massive role in regulating yourself. I just like love this.
Speaker 1: I think this is good for anybody dealing with any
Speaker 1: kind of depression, any kind of that. Lastly, expand your
Speaker 1: support group. You might want to crawl into a shell,
Speaker 1: but in advance, get nearby family and friends on a cycle,
Speaker 1: not for social hour, but to watch the baby so
Speaker 1: you can look forward to time for yourself. It's crucial
Speaker 1: to staying present within yourself, and don't be afraid to
Speaker 1: ask for help. No matter what, you'll be a great mother.
Speaker 1: There's already so much love for this baby who doesn't
Speaker 1: exist yet, and they'll be lucky to have you as
Speaker 1: their mom. With love a sister, and dear Chelsea not lovely.
Speaker 1: I thought that was just really sweet. And honestly like
Speaker 1: good advice for anybody going through something, because we do
Speaker 1: forget to do these like little self care things or
Speaker 1: big self care things. You know. You hear about these
Speaker 1: moms who pass out because they haven't had a sip
Speaker 1: of water in four days, and I just thought that
Speaker 1: was really good, solid advice. Yeah, it sounds like it.
Speaker 1: I mean, I can't really weigh in because I don't
Speaker 1: have postpartum and we know why exactly, so I was like, well,
Speaker 1: this is good, this is like from someone. We also
Speaker 1: have an update from Niall, who was a fan favorite
Speaker 1: from our Julianna Margalis episode. He had gotten into a
Speaker 1: situation where he had accrued some credit card debt because
Speaker 1: he was working for a nonprofit helping with suicide prevention
Speaker 1: and had been like, I don't want to have to
Speaker 1: go back and work in the restaurant industry, but I
Speaker 1: feel like that's the only way to crush this debt.
Speaker 1: And our advice was like, go do it, get it
Speaker 1: over with and you can move on to the next
Speaker 1: part of your life. You know, so Nile says, speaking
Speaker 1: to you, Chelsea, and the lovely Julianna Margulis was one
Speaker 1: of the biggest highlights of the last year for me,
Speaker 1: and it was an honor and delight speaking with you
Speaker 1: and getting such good sound advice. You all continue to
Speaker 1: make me think, reflect, consider, and most importantly laugh out
Speaker 1: loud every week on the podcast, especially regarding your eggs
Speaker 1: on an airplane scandal that recently came to light. Oh,
Speaker 1: by the way, my friend Paige showed up with a
Speaker 1: bag of hard boiled eggs to my house. She's like,
Speaker 1: I was trying to hide this from you, but it's
Speaker 1: a refrigerator. Oh my goodness, Paige and I would be
Speaker 1: good friends. But she didn't take the shells off. She
Speaker 1: had the shells on, and which I think is a
Speaker 1: major That's something that anyone with an egg should have
Speaker 1: as a shell. But see, Okay, so, just to play
Speaker 1: Devil's advocate, if you have the shell on, then the
Speaker 1: egg is exposed for a longer while you're not healing it. Though.
Speaker 1: Remember you're just transporting them. You're not eating them on
Speaker 1: the airplane. You're bringing them to your next location. I
Speaker 1: have on occasion. Well, it's just like some of them
Speaker 1: have survived. It's like a kidnapping. You have to think
Speaker 1: about it as a kidnapping, because that's what you're doing
Speaker 1: to people. You're kidnapping them with your eggs, and you
Speaker 1: want to take the eggs and treat that's who you're kidnapping.
Speaker 1: You take the eggs from the first location to the
Speaker 1: second location, and the transit is when they are in
Speaker 1: the trunk. Yes, yeah, it's getting hot and sweaty. We
Speaker 1: have gotten so many emails that were like, I thought
Speaker 1: Catherine was the only one, and lo and behold, I
Speaker 1: smelled something terrible on my last flight, and sure enough,
Speaker 1: it was hard boiled eggs. If you find yourself traveling
Speaker 1: with multiple packets of salt in your pockets or your purse,
Speaker 1: you might be the egg lady on an airplane. So gross.
Speaker 1: Some woman just DM me this morning. A flight attendant
Speaker 1: a guy with his bare feet up on the headrest
Speaker 1: of the person in front of him, and he posted
Speaker 1: it of his own feet, going, I hope this guy
Speaker 1: can't smell my feet, so he's gonna have to be arrested.
Speaker 1: I'm on the plane tomorrow, so I'm gonna really I'm
Speaker 1: gonna keep my eyes out and if I see anything untoward,
Speaker 1: I am going to confront and make a citizen's arrest
Speaker 1: incredible well, Nila continues regarding what I incorporated post podcast.
Speaker 1: I am ecstatic to update you that I'm entering this
Speaker 1: new year debt free, and even more importantly, free of
Speaker 1: the financial stress and anxiety that I had been crippled
Speaker 1: with around the time we spoke. For me, you cannot
Speaker 1: put a price on your own well being, and having
Speaker 1: that back has meant more to me than any other
Speaker 1: job or career ever could. I'm juggling a couple of
Speaker 1: different jobs right now, two different waitering jobs as well
Speaker 1: as some part time personal assistant work, which I am enjoying.
Speaker 1: But now I have my proverbial ducts in a row financially,
Speaker 1: I'm ready and eager to start exploring some new opportunities
Speaker 1: that ideally don't involve fake smiling and laughing at leam
Speaker 1: jokes so I can get that twenty percent tit. I
Speaker 1: think the biggest takeaway from speaking with all of you
Speaker 1: at Dear Chelsea was the boost to my self esteem
Speaker 1: and helping to see my capabilities and potential way beyond
Speaker 1: how I identified my worth in the caliber or lack
Speaker 1: thereof whatever job I was doing, be it helping to
Speaker 1: save lives through my work in suicide prevention or referring
Speaker 1: to myself as us to waiter. So with this new mindset,
Speaker 1: I'm very excited to get out there into a new
Speaker 1: world of professional opportunities. He goes on to say he's
Speaker 1: looking for more work as a PA and in administrative roles,
Speaker 1: and with this change of mentality, the future looks really bright.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much again for everything. The two of
Speaker 1: your podcasts continue to remain a bright spot in my week.
Speaker 1: All my love, Nile. Oh, thank you Nile. I'm so glad.
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that all worked out. I know, I
Speaker 1: thought that was really good. We got a lot of
Speaker 1: responses about him and just like encouragement for him, so
Speaker 1: I wanted to fill everybody in. He's doing great and
Speaker 1: he's in New York and looking for PA work, so
Speaker 1: you know, let me know if you need a help her.
Speaker 1: Have a couple more updates. We have one about Brian
Speaker 1: who was love bombed. This is not from Brian, although
Speaker 1: I did talk to Brian. He had reached out to
Speaker 1: this ex boyfriend again to say like, hey, I called
Speaker 1: into this show. So he didn't highly take her advice
Speaker 1: of just like cut off communication. But I thought That
Speaker 1: was very interesting because it's sort of like he's asking
Speaker 1: permission from this guy he's getting advice about. I wondered
Speaker 1: about your thoughts about that he called him before he
Speaker 1: called us, no, after he called us, I was like, Brian,
Speaker 1: so this is from someone who had a really similar situation. Hi,
Speaker 1: Chelsea and Catherine, I'm listening to this week's episode where
Speaker 1: Brian called in about having been broken up with after
Speaker 1: one month and possibly loved bombed by his Tinder date.
Speaker 1: The advice you both gave him was stellar, and I
Speaker 1: only have one quick anecdote of my own to add.
Speaker 1: A while back, I also met the most amazing man
Speaker 1: and we fell madly in love within a month's time,
Speaker 1: only to have him break up with me at the
Speaker 1: end of the month due to some health concerns and
Speaker 1: his extended family, or so he said. It seemed like
Speaker 1: valid excuses, and I let him go gracefully, but doing
Speaker 1: so almost broke my heart. We felt so perfect together.
Speaker 1: Five weeks after the breakup, he basically did a version
Speaker 1: of what Chelsea dramatized on the podcast, which was to
Speaker 1: contact me a text, and when I didn't answer, he called,
Speaker 1: saying I'm his entire world, he wants to get back
Speaker 1: with me. What ensued after that was more than eighteen
Speaker 1: months of seemingly total bliss. We were absolutely, disgustingly in
Speaker 1: love and crazy about each other. I won't go into detail,
Speaker 1: but after almost two years, he slowly started to pull away,
Speaker 1: just like he had the first month we had met.
Speaker 1: It took me a while to catch on that he
Speaker 1: was disengaging again, but when I did, I confronted him,
Speaker 1: and again his excuses for being a bad boyfriend were
Speaker 1: sort of valid WorkStress, new job, health concerns, but this
Speaker 1: time I was out. I bowed out gracefully and explained
Speaker 1: that regardless of the why, this time, this is just
Speaker 1: not how you treat a person that you say you
Speaker 1: love and want to spend your life with. I blocked
Speaker 1: him from my life after that. What I mostly want
Speaker 1: to say is that sometimes even if they come back,
Speaker 1: trust what they show you the first time. People follow
Speaker 1: patterns usually, and you're better off that he broke up
Speaker 1: with you sooner than later. Best of luck to you, Brian.
Speaker 1: Interesting eighteen months together and then he does the same thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I mean, obviously she had a good experience during
Speaker 1: those eighteen months, but it's also like it's a long time.
Speaker 1: It's a long time, and it's time that you're wasting
Speaker 1: being with somebody who's not really your person. You know, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's hard. I guess the lesson is if someone shows you,
Speaker 1: you know, if they pull that crap after a month
Speaker 1: and disappear or disengage, then that's it. That's all you
Speaker 1: need to see. Absolutely, So thank you guys for writing
Speaker 1: in and so last month we introduced a new segment
Speaker 1: sponsored by Better Help. It's called calling In Backup, and
Speaker 1: we want to thank our partners at Better Help for
Speaker 1: sponsoring the segment. Today we're again joined by David Yaddish,
Speaker 1: who is a licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at
Speaker 1: Better Help. So to our listeners, we're doing this thing
Speaker 1: with Better Help where they're going to have a counselor
Speaker 1: on who has actual counseling certification and credentials. And Catherine,
Speaker 1: you've selected a couple of write ins right exactly. These
Speaker 1: next few segments are going to be some trickier questions,
Speaker 1: some more difficult questions, and I thought it would be
Speaker 1: good to have David's help. Okay, Chelsea, I have sort
Speaker 1: of a multipart question. She says dear Chelsea. My name
Speaker 1: is Chelsea and I am a twenty nine year old
Speaker 1: counselor professional. I currently work at a low income high
Speaker 1: school and find my job extremely fulfilling yet very taxing
Speaker 1: on my own mental health. As I'm sure you're well aware,
Speaker 1: the needs of our adolescence are so high, and I
Speaker 1: can't help but feel worn down myself. I honestly can't
Speaker 1: imagine doing anything else but school counseling due to its
Speaker 1: rewarding nature. But when I go home, I have nothing
Speaker 1: left to give my partner. I've been at my school
Speaker 1: for the past five years, and my own mental health
Speaker 1: has deteriorated trying to keep up with the needs and
Speaker 1: demands of the job. I've taken all the necessary steps
Speaker 1: to take care of myself. I've been in therapy for years,
Speaker 1: I exercise regularly, eat healthy, and do my best to
Speaker 1: focus on self care. However, I'm looking to start a
Speaker 1: family soon and I'm not sure if my career is
Speaker 1: going to be sustainable. My questions for you are twofold
Speaker 1: One if I should stay in a field that needs me.
Speaker 1: Two your advice on repayment of my student loans. Because
Speaker 1: I work in a low income school, I qualify for
Speaker 1: Federal Public Service Loan forgiveness program. The stipulations under this
Speaker 1: program include that you have to make one hundred and
Speaker 1: twenty consecutive payments, so basically ten years of monthly payments
Speaker 1: working at a low income school. After making one hundred
Speaker 1: and twenty payments, your student loan debt will be forgiven.
Speaker 1: I currently have seventy eight thousand dollars worth of student
Speaker 1: loan debt and it feels crippling. I have about eight
Speaker 1: years left until they will supposedly be paid off. The
Speaker 1: problem is I can't guarantee I'll be at my school
Speaker 1: for the next eight years because of how hard it is.
Speaker 1: I don't know how much longer I can work in
Speaker 1: a field that takes so much of myself. Do I
Speaker 1: put my mental health first and have a career change,
Speaker 1: or do I stay at a school where I'm extremely
Speaker 1: valued and continue to use my gifts, or do I
Speaker 1: focus on finding my own inner peace and balance. Thank
Speaker 1: you for your time and helping me weigh my options. Sincerely,
Speaker 1: a burnt out counselor m Okay, Dave, let's let you
Speaker 1: go first on this one. Absolutely so, this is something
Speaker 1: that's very close to my own heart because when I
Speaker 1: first started and graduated, I worked in community mental health
Speaker 1: myself for seven years. It is taxing, it can be grueling.
Speaker 1: It can lead to so much compassion, fatigue, and burnout.
Speaker 1: And the first thing I want to say about that
Speaker 1: is therapists are needed everywhere. Like you can't pour from
Speaker 1: an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself
Speaker 1: and you have to do the things that are right
Speaker 1: for you, and whether that means staying in a job
Speaker 1: that you love and you feel you're really getting a
Speaker 1: lot for or moving to something that's a little bit
Speaker 1: different that feels more rejuvenating or feels more engaging. At
Speaker 1: the moment, you know there's benefit to both of those options,
Speaker 1: but you have to care for yourself. It's such a
Speaker 1: ruling feel to be with people, especially younger people that
Speaker 1: are struggling with so much in society right now. You
Speaker 1: have to give yourself some self care. Yeah. I wonder
Speaker 1: also if there's a lateral move here. I don't know
Speaker 1: what the parameters are, but maybe you could still qualify
Speaker 1: for this loan forgiveness program if you went to a
Speaker 1: different location or some other way where you're still doing therapy.
Speaker 1: In a way that qualifies for this loan forgiveness, but
Speaker 1: isn't maybe as hard as what you're doing right now.
Speaker 1: It'll probably be hard anywhere you go right in this field,
Speaker 1: but it will be a different kind of hard. So
Speaker 1: a couple of other thoughts that come up as well.
Speaker 1: You know, I had a mentor who said, you know where,
Speaker 1: you're going through a tough time, and specifically she was
Speaker 1: referring to in times of grief. But I think there
Speaker 1: is a certain amount of emotional heaviness that goes with
Speaker 1: your job that this applies to that as well. And
Speaker 1: something she always would say is triple your self care
Speaker 1: during times like that. So it sounds like you're already
Speaker 1: doing a lot, but if there's anything else you can do,
Speaker 1: maybe it's adding massage, maybe it's adding more sleep. Anywhere
Speaker 1: that you can find some restoration, some self soothing and
Speaker 1: some self care think is going to be really helpful
Speaker 1: for you. And the other thing is maybe you need
Speaker 1: a sabbatical, especially when you're in such a tough role,
Speaker 1: taking some time where maybe you're just taking an overall break.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's six months, maybe it's a year, if you
Speaker 1: can afford to do that, or do something else for
Speaker 1: the time being so that you can restore yourself so
Speaker 1: you can fill up your own cup. If it's possible,
Speaker 1: Maybe that's something that you can do, and maybe during
Speaker 1: that time you do start your family, but that way
Speaker 1: you're not saddled with both of those responsibilities at the
Speaker 1: same time of starting your family and dealing with everybody
Speaker 1: else's stuff. That could be an option as well, depending
Speaker 1: on the parameters of this loan forgiveness and to that end,
Speaker 1: maybe there's even a lateral move within your school. Potentially
Speaker 1: you could move to part time or even part time
Speaker 1: in the role that you're in and doing part time
Speaker 1: with something else. But talk to your higher ups and
Speaker 1: see if there's something else that could be a good
Speaker 1: fit for you while you're still fulfilling your role in
Speaker 1: your obligations. But maybe all of your day doesn't need
Speaker 1: to be spent, you know, with this sort of trauma
Speaker 1: dumping that therapists go through. Yeah, I would just prioritize
Speaker 1: your mental health because again, you can't help anybody when
Speaker 1: you're just unempty. Absolutely, and also because she's, you know,
Speaker 1: planning on starting a family, I think you also have
Speaker 1: to take into consideration that that will also be an
Speaker 1: additional drain on your energy and taxing to you, so
Speaker 1: you're potentially taking on even more. Might not be a
Speaker 1: good fit to stay there anymore. What do you think
Speaker 1: about the monetary component to that, David. So that's a
Speaker 1: tough one because I participated in the student loan forgiveness
Speaker 1: myself for quite some time, and at some point it
Speaker 1: it got to that point where I just had to
Speaker 1: kind of make the next step that was right for me.
Speaker 1: But like you said, there are a ton of lateral moves.
Speaker 1: There are so many spaces in community mental health in
Speaker 1: the public school system that are just so open for
Speaker 1: any support that they can get. And if that's what
Speaker 1: where you feel called and that's where it feels good
Speaker 1: for you, there's places to go. And if it's not
Speaker 1: right here, it's somewhere else. Great, anything else we want
Speaker 1: to say about that one? Or do we feel we
Speaker 1: feel good about it? Yeah? I feel good about that awesome, great,
Speaker 1: well burnt out counselor, You've gotten a couple of different
Speaker 1: pieces of advice, So let us know what you decide
Speaker 1: to do and let us know what you name your baby.
Speaker 1: Thank you again to calling it in backups Sponsor Better Help,
Speaker 1: and of course of David Yadash, who is a licensed
Speaker 1: therapist and clinical operations manager at Better Help. Great, Well, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: we're going to take a quick break and we'll be
Speaker 1: right back with some callers. Okay, and we're back and well.
Speaker 1: Our first question comes from LB Dear Chelsea, I'm a
Speaker 1: thirty four year old female and after taking a two
Speaker 1: year break from dating for a multitude of reasons, I'm
Speaker 1: ready to jump back in. I know that online dating
Speaker 1: is probably my best bet to break out of my
Speaker 1: bubble and meet someone new. Here's the catch. I've suffered
Speaker 1: from trick otilamania since college. If you don't know what
Speaker 1: this is, it's a compulsive, body focused repetitive behavior where
Speaker 1: I pull hair from my head and eyebrows. I've been
Speaker 1: in therapy for it for well what feels like forever,
Speaker 1: and have recently gotten my trick under control. My hair
Speaker 1: pulling became pretty extreme around five ish years ago, and
Speaker 1: I began wearing wigs to cover the damage I had
Speaker 1: done to my quote natural hair. After getting shamed and
Speaker 1: laughed at for wearing terrible wigs while going out, I
Speaker 1: finally coughed up the money for a real lace front
Speaker 1: and listen. It looked good, maybe too good. Fast forward
Speaker 1: to now, my natural hair has grown out, and I'm
Speaker 1: actually pretty proud of the way it looks. I'm still
Speaker 1: embarrassed of my hairline where the pulling was the worst,
Speaker 1: and I'm not sure I'm ready to wear my natural
Speaker 1: hair out in public. All that's to say, I would
Speaker 1: assume if I were dating someone, they would see me
Speaker 1: in my natural element quite often. So here's my predicament.
Speaker 1: All of my photos on social media and the way
Speaker 1: I present myself on the daily is wearing my beautiful wig.
Speaker 1: At what point during the dating process do I need
Speaker 1: to disclose that I wear a wig to my potential partner?
Speaker 1: Do I need to tell them why. I don't want
Speaker 1: to seem like I'm catfishing or presenting a false pretense
Speaker 1: for how I actually look to a potential partner. But
Speaker 1: I also don't want to trauma dump on someone and
Speaker 1: give them too much information before actually meeting in person. Also,
Speaker 1: if you have any advice on how to eventually shed
Speaker 1: this thing and gain confidence in my new self and
Speaker 1: stop ahem, wigging out, I'd greatly appreciate that too. Thanks
Speaker 1: Chelsea lb lb okay, I thought this was a really
Speaker 1: good question. I actually had a friend who had this
Speaker 1: years ago, and sheafa love and happiness. So there's hope
Speaker 1: for our friend here. I mean, I think that it's
Speaker 1: not front loaningg it, but it's disclosing it at an
Speaker 1: appropriate time. You know. It's like you could tell someone, oh,
Speaker 1: by the way, I wear a wig, it's for medical
Speaker 1: reasons and not even getting into what they are. If
Speaker 1: you want to let them know, like if you're going
Speaker 1: to be intimate and they're going to find out, then
Speaker 1: frontload it that way. Don't frontload it like it's the
Speaker 1: first thing that you tell somebody that you're meeting online.
Speaker 1: It's not necessary. Once you meet in person and there's
Speaker 1: some chemistry and there's some sort of investment on either's behalf,
Speaker 1: then I think you can say, oh, I wear a wig.
Speaker 1: I can explain it to you further down the road
Speaker 1: if we continue seeing each other, I'll explain it to you.
Speaker 1: But it's not anything you need to know about right now.
Speaker 1: I just want to let you know so there's no surprises,
Speaker 1: because I think physical stuff like that, you know, you
Speaker 1: want someone to be forthright, forthcoming. I think, yeah, I agree,
Speaker 1: I think you know. I don't think it's a before
Speaker 1: you meet them thing. I think it's like several dates
Speaker 1: in when you actually feel like you want to get
Speaker 1: to know this person more. If there's gonna be hair
Speaker 1: pulling and stuff like that in bed, obviously they need
Speaker 1: to know. But it's not the sort of thing I
Speaker 1: think you need to mention on a first date or
Speaker 1: maybe even a second Like if you get to date
Speaker 1: three and you're like, I actually do want to keep
Speaker 1: seeing this person, then maybe that's the time to mention it.
Speaker 1: And I think Chelsea's right, just sort of a casual
Speaker 1: mention of like, hey, I wear this for medical reasons.
Speaker 1: I like the way it looks. Maybe it's just even that,
Speaker 1: like I really like the way it looks. And as
Speaker 1: far as getting back to your natural hair, I would
Speaker 1: say absolutely unlista stylus. That's kind of obvious, but maybe
Speaker 1: start with like a short crop and see how you
Speaker 1: like that so you don't feel like the burden is
Speaker 1: on your hair to look full and luxurious. There are
Speaker 1: so many like pixie cuts and even kind of longer
Speaker 1: pixie cuts right now that are just super cute and
Speaker 1: you'll be able to give it like a lot of
Speaker 1: body so that it looks fantastic and you don't have
Speaker 1: to worry about any like stringiness or old growth that's
Speaker 1: not quite as full as what's shorter and what's grown
Speaker 1: back in. And also for hair growth, there's a lot
Speaker 1: of product out there, and I personally used this thing
Speaker 1: called harklinikin Hark Lincoln. I can't say it's it's I mean,
Speaker 1: I think it's a few hundred dollars, but they have
Speaker 1: solutions for hair growth and you apply it to your
Speaker 1: hair all the time. I've used it for over year
Speaker 1: now and it helps my hair become thicker. So look
Speaker 1: into that. It's h A r K and then Hark Lincoln,
Speaker 1: Hark Lincoln, Hark Lincoln in I can never fucking does.
Speaker 1: Start googling Hark and hair and maybe you'll find also
Speaker 1: there's tons of hair and vitamin pills. I'm sure you're
Speaker 1: already taking those. They have gummies, all that stuff. But
Speaker 1: sometimes like a refresh on your hair can be a
Speaker 1: good thing. Like I know a family friend of mine
Speaker 1: she lost all her hair with chemotherapy and it came
Speaker 1: back in like super cute and wavy. She was always
Speaker 1: someone who had there's a very specific hairstyle, and now
Speaker 1: she's got like a sweet cute pixy cut, and she
Speaker 1: looks incredible with short hair, so don't be afraid to
Speaker 1: go short well. Our next question is a coller. This
Speaker 1: question comes from Jay Dear Chelsea. I'm twenty five years
Speaker 1: old and i live half the time in an adorable
Speaker 1: apartment with a good friend from college, and half the
Speaker 1: time at my thirty year old boyfriend's house. We've been
Speaker 1: dating for over three years. I'm very independent and value
Speaker 1: my space and alone time, so I've enjoyed this arrangement
Speaker 1: of splitting time between my place and his. However, I'm
Speaker 1: starting to feel ready for the next step, moving in together.
Speaker 1: I love many things about my boyfriend, but what I
Speaker 1: don't love is his cleaning habits. I'm not a neat
Speaker 1: freak by any means, but his kitchen in particular gets
Speaker 1: really gross. He has a habit of letting things pile
Speaker 1: up for a long time and then having a binge
Speaker 1: clean all at once that takes several hours, if not
Speaker 1: all day. I've had several talks with him throughout the
Speaker 1: years about how my mental health is really affected by
Speaker 1: my environment and the degree of MESSI accumulates gives me
Speaker 1: intense anxiety. At times, I've tried to encourage him to
Speaker 1: do just a little bit of cleaning on a consistent
Speaker 1: basis so it's not so stressful and doesn't take him
Speaker 1: as long When he does get to it. There are
Speaker 1: times I can see he's making a conscious effort to
Speaker 1: make sure I'm comfortable, but it's still not consistent, and
Speaker 1: it always inevitably piles up again. He owns a business
Speaker 1: which is very difficult and time consuming, and he has ADHD,
Speaker 1: which I know contributes to his habits, so I start
Speaker 1: to feel like the bad guy when I continually confront
Speaker 1: him about it. Additionally, his house is quite small and
Speaker 1: he has a lot of stuff. He says he would
Speaker 1: make room for me, but I just can't imagine how
Speaker 1: there would be any space for me in my life
Speaker 1: if I were to move in. I fantasized about getting
Speaker 1: a bigger house that would be hours together, where we
Speaker 1: could start fresh. But he owns this house, and I
Speaker 1: know there's a lot of renovation he wants to do
Speaker 1: before he would be ready to sell. I'm also very
Speaker 1: averse to renovation. While I'm living in the space, I'm
Speaker 1: starting to feel like there's no good path forward, but
Speaker 1: I don't want to end the relationship over something that
Speaker 1: seems like it should be fixable. Thanks in advance, Jay,
Speaker 1: Hi Jay, Oh my gosh, Hi, thank you guy. I'm
Speaker 1: so excited but also pretty nervous. Oh, you're going to
Speaker 1: do great, Jay. You guys have been together? How long
Speaker 1: did you say? About three and a half years? Coming
Speaker 1: up on that? Huh? So I used to be like
Speaker 1: this too. I just didn't know how to do dishes,
Speaker 1: quite frankly, because somebody always did them for me, whether
Speaker 1: it was my childhood growing up in my family, or
Speaker 1: my mom or you know, my housekeeper now. But now
Speaker 1: when I'm in Whistler, I on it because I'm the
Speaker 1: only one here most of the time. And it's not
Speaker 1: that hard to get into the habit of just washing
Speaker 1: your dishes after you use them or putting them in
Speaker 1: the dishwasher after you use them. You can create that
Speaker 1: new habit fairly quickly. So if it's this is such
Speaker 1: amounted for you, first of all, you shouldn't move into
Speaker 1: his house until you sort this out, because you're gonna
Speaker 1: if you have anxiety from dishes, you're gonna have it.
Speaker 1: What is his response to you when you talk about
Speaker 1: the dishes and how have you broached it with him?
Speaker 1: So I try to be communicative about it, but it's
Speaker 1: very hard for me to express how I feel without
Speaker 1: getting emotional, which I understand. It is kind of my
Speaker 1: red flag. So when I do get upset about it,
Speaker 1: he usually will like jump into action right then, But
Speaker 1: it's not like a consistent priority for himself, and he
Speaker 1: can't seem to like get into those good habits and
Speaker 1: make his own space good for his mental health, right, Okay,
Speaker 1: And you get emotional when you talk about the dishes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just like my environment I think impacts my mind state.
Speaker 1: Growing up was kind of in a little bit of
Speaker 1: a chaotic household. So as I've gotten out of that
Speaker 1: house and on my own, it's become more freeing for
Speaker 1: me to keep my space cleansed and organized and everything. Well,
Speaker 1: it sounds like you're really good on your own without
Speaker 1: the influence of that. It sounds like you don't want
Speaker 1: to live with someone, even though you may think you do,
Speaker 1: because if those are the circumstances that he brings to
Speaker 1: the table, and you can't accept that and you need
Speaker 1: it to change, Like I don't know how that's going
Speaker 1: to be helpful for you to be living in that environment.
Speaker 1: You're obviously like having a sense of control over the
Speaker 1: hygiene of your place, and the only way to maintain
Speaker 1: that integrity, based on what you're telling us about your boyfriend,
Speaker 1: is for you to continue living in separate places, right.
Speaker 1: I mean, you can only explain to him so much
Speaker 1: what you need if he's not willing to do it,
Speaker 1: and you're not willing to get over it, Like you
Speaker 1: can either let it go and come to peace with it,
Speaker 1: or become at peace with it, or he has to change,
Speaker 1: And it doesn't sound like either two of those things
Speaker 1: are likely. Yeah, I feel like part of it is.
Speaker 1: My only other long term relationship was also three and
Speaker 1: a half years, So I think I'm feeling this like
Speaker 1: internal pressure to kind of figure things out and ask
Speaker 1: the big questions like can I actually live with him?
Speaker 1: So that's where a lot of the pressure is coming
Speaker 1: from right now. Yeah, I mean, because if you could
Speaker 1: move into a new place, you could set up a
Speaker 1: new dynamic, right, and that's your place together. But if
Speaker 1: it's his place, these are his habits, it's unlikely that
Speaker 1: they're going to change when you move in unless you're
Speaker 1: able to communicate to him how important it is to you,
Speaker 1: maybe without being emotional, you know what I mean, because
Speaker 1: it's that's an unfair pressure that that adds to the situation,
Speaker 1: especially when we're talking about dishes. It doesn't have to
Speaker 1: go there. It's just something that makes you feel safe
Speaker 1: and comfortable, is a clean house and having a really normal,
Speaker 1: loving conversation about that with him, that you do want
Speaker 1: to move forward in this relationship, that you are eager
Speaker 1: to see where this is going. But these are the
Speaker 1: things that are kind of making you uneasy. And I mean,
Speaker 1: if it's said in the right way and in the
Speaker 1: right tone, I just can't imagine that he wouldn't be able.
Speaker 1: It's not It doesn't have to be you yelling at
Speaker 1: him or bickering or picking him apart. It doesn't have
Speaker 1: to have that tone. It can be about why it's
Speaker 1: important for you, not what's wrong with him or why
Speaker 1: he's not doing it right. Yeah, And part of why
Speaker 1: I do get emotional, I feel as it seems like
Speaker 1: it's always I'm the one wanting him to work on
Speaker 1: something or change something and be better, and he never
Speaker 1: really has a bad thing to say about what I'm doing,
Speaker 1: so I get hesitant to even like bring it up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but you can't because communication is everything, and if you're
Speaker 1: not communicating, then then you're just you're not doing any
Speaker 1: favors to yourself by holding this in or by having
Speaker 1: all these feelings. It's an issue for you, and it
Speaker 1: just has to be about your issues when you're discussing
Speaker 1: it with him, it's not about him. It's like I
Speaker 1: want to feel safe. He wants you to move in, right, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: And so have you said anything at all about the
Speaker 1: dish situation and moving in? Yeah, even just yesterday. Because
Speaker 1: I stay with him on the weekends and on Sunday,
Speaker 1: I kind of feel like motivated to get cleaned up
Speaker 1: and stuff. So I've tried to make that a habit
Speaker 1: for us to do together and like I'll help him
Speaker 1: out a little bit. And I expressed like, I just
Speaker 1: don't know how I'll ever be able to live with you,
Speaker 1: Like it doesn't feel like there's space for me. And
Speaker 1: he said, I want you to move in whenever you
Speaker 1: feel ready, but it sounds like you don't think I'm ready,
Speaker 1: and I was like, yes, I mean with specifically the
Speaker 1: dishes issue, I think that when something like that is
Speaker 1: not getting done on a consistent basis, there's a missing system.
Speaker 1: So if there's a way for you to like take
Speaker 1: emotion out of it and just be like, Okay, what's
Speaker 1: the system that's broken? Here? Is it they're not getting
Speaker 1: done every night before he goes to bed or whatever
Speaker 1: the case may be, Helping him work that into his
Speaker 1: routine might be really helpful. But also, if you guys
Speaker 1: do move in together, you're both going to be a
Speaker 1: part of that space, so like it does need to
Speaker 1: be kept clean for your sanity. And I think if
Speaker 1: he's a person who likes to binge chores, maybe he's
Speaker 1: the guy who does the laundry and he cooks and
Speaker 1: you do the dishes. You know, maybe that's something that
Speaker 1: you figure out like who does what and put the
Speaker 1: system in place. So it's like great, I know, I
Speaker 1: don't have to worry about this anymore because it's my
Speaker 1: space too, and he's doing these other things that are
Speaker 1: a little more like binge able and work to his strengths.
Speaker 1: But I do agree, like it's really tricky to try
Speaker 1: and move into their space, especially if things aren't getting
Speaker 1: purged that are taking up the entire spot answer me this,
Speaker 1: are you in a position that, like you guys could
Speaker 1: buy a place together. I fantasize about that, and I
Speaker 1: think that, you know, if he were to sell his house,
Speaker 1: it could be possible. But it seems like he's kind
Speaker 1: of solid in this house for a while. There's a
Speaker 1: lot of changes he wants to make, and he has
Speaker 1: a whole workshop set up in the basement. I have
Speaker 1: a feeling that if he is someone who is not
Speaker 1: getting the dishes on in a consistent basis, and he
Speaker 1: has ADHD. As someone with ADHD, he will not finish
Speaker 1: projects that he starts in his house if he's planning
Speaker 1: on doing them himself. If you do you really want
Speaker 1: to move in with him, you gotta nippet in the
Speaker 1: bud and be like, you know what, these are never
Speaker 1: going to get done, or let's hire someone to get
Speaker 1: them done by a year from now, six months from now,
Speaker 1: whatever the case may be, like put a time limit
Speaker 1: on it. I mean, I have a friend who has
Speaker 1: been renovating the only bathroom in his home for two years.
Speaker 1: He is a man in his forties who has to
Speaker 1: bathe in the bath every single time. He wants to
Speaker 1: clean himself as well as his wife and children, because
Speaker 1: his bathroom is not finished. Like, there are certain people
Speaker 1: who are going to at finishing projects, and there are
Speaker 1: a certain people who are going to starting projects, and
Speaker 1: people with ADHD are amazing at starting projects but not
Speaker 1: always finishing them. So I think you got to put
Speaker 1: some time limits. I will say it's not like just
Speaker 1: the dishes, because I can be guilty of that too, sure,
Speaker 1: but it's as simple as food trash. Just put it
Speaker 1: in the trash can instead of on the counter. Also,
Speaker 1: his bathrooms are actually not bad SOPs to him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I like, how are the bathrooms and she's that they're
Speaker 1: they're pretty clean, so there's help. But another thing is
Speaker 1: like his driveway. He has like a junk driveway, one
Speaker 1: of those houses that you drive by and you're like,
Speaker 1: that's a lot of crap. Yeah, I mean Chelsea, I
Speaker 1: think she's you guys have to get a place that's
Speaker 1: yours together, even if it's renting for a little while.
Speaker 1: I think if this is gonna work, it has to
Speaker 1: be both here. It's hard to go into someone else's
Speaker 1: place and set up new rules or systems. As Catherine
Speaker 1: put it, which I think is accurate. All of these
Speaker 1: things are just going to start to annoy you even
Speaker 1: more than they already do, Like you're already irked by them,
Speaker 1: and like, listen, you have a choice to be bothered
Speaker 1: by it or not be bothered by it, but you
Speaker 1: are bothered by it, right. It may not seem like
Speaker 1: a choice to you, but it is like you could
Speaker 1: be able to overlook it if you really wanted to,
Speaker 1: but you're just like, no, this is important to me,
Speaker 1: and by the virtue of its importance to you, it
Speaker 1: should be important to him too. And it just sounds
Speaker 1: like everything you're describing it is going to drive you crazy.
Speaker 1: So you I don't think that it's a smart decision
Speaker 1: to move into his place. I mean, I'm not saying
Speaker 1: to break up with him, but I think you got
Speaker 1: to have something where you're meeting in the middle. Like,
Speaker 1: you know, if you move into a place together, you
Speaker 1: can set the tone about what's going to happen. Dish wise,
Speaker 1: And it's not a hard habit to just get into
Speaker 1: putting your dishes in the dishwasher after you eat food.
Speaker 1: It actually feels really good to take care of that
Speaker 1: stuff in real time. From somebody who didn't used to
Speaker 1: know how to do that stuff like not know how,
Speaker 1: but I would just was like, oh fuck it. There
Speaker 1: was always you know, dishes in the sink. Somebody will
Speaker 1: get it, not me, And it's like, oh no, it's
Speaker 1: kind of nice to do it yourself and be like
Speaker 1: an adult not a baby. Yeah, this stuff can go
Speaker 1: into nagging territory so quickly, and I think you have
Speaker 1: the seed of what is going to help, which is like,
Speaker 1: assuming you guys do move in together, there can be
Speaker 1: cues that are not nagging. So it's like, great, dinner's over,
Speaker 1: let's hop up and do the dishes, and you do
Speaker 1: it together. It takes five minutes, you know that sort
Speaker 1: of thing. Having cues for like this just happened, now
Speaker 1: this has to happen is very good for an ADHD brain.
Speaker 1: And having cues rather than it being like why didn't
Speaker 1: you do the dishes last night? Like those are very
Speaker 1: different things, you know. Yeah. I think definitely getting to
Speaker 1: like a clean slate where we can just join forces
Speaker 1: and make it like new systems. Does he come to
Speaker 1: your house at all? Does he spend time at yours? Rarely?
Speaker 1: Because he also has two dogs and my roommate my
Speaker 1: apartment has a cat so it's just a lot yeah right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: And are you feeling like this might be your guy,
Speaker 1: this is your person? Yeah? Yeah, then I think if
Speaker 1: that's the case, then I really think it would be
Speaker 1: prudent to wait and do something together and be very
Speaker 1: honest about it, you know, in a non emotional way,
Speaker 1: like I really want to be with you, but these
Speaker 1: things just really irk me, and I don't want to
Speaker 1: put us in a dynamic where I'm going to start
Speaker 1: to really resent you and not want to be in
Speaker 1: this relationship right now. I want to be in this relationship,
Speaker 1: but I think there's room for improvement. And that's not
Speaker 1: just for him, that's room for your acceptance of him.
Speaker 1: So you guys can meet in the middle. He can
Speaker 1: move a little and you can also move a little. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: Like there could be rules, you know, if it's food
Speaker 1: on a plate, a plate can be in the sink,
Speaker 1: but it can't have food on it. You at least
Speaker 1: have to wipe the food off, you know, and rinse
Speaker 1: it out, rinse it out. You know, that's less of
Speaker 1: an affront than looking into a sink filled with dirty
Speaker 1: silverware and all of that stuff. Yes, agreed, So yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean there's room for compromise, but I definitely think
Speaker 1: you just have to frontload all of this, be very honest.
Speaker 1: You'll be amazed at what like real honesty yields, you know,
Speaker 1: especially from the other person. It's a good practice to
Speaker 1: get into for your whole relationship and any other relationships
Speaker 1: in your life. Definitely, well, keep us posted, Jay, I'm
Speaker 1: interested to see one and if you guys move in together.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I think there's a big conversation coming about,
Speaker 1: like it should be a different space, like a new
Speaker 1: space that's a clean slate and no dead cars in
Speaker 1: the driveway. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, Well, good
Speaker 1: luck with everything, Jay. I'll see you on the Little
Speaker 1: Big Bitch Tour. Okay, I'll see you. Which city are
Speaker 1: you coming to? Probably Eachattanooga, Oh, Tennessee. Okay, I'll see
Speaker 1: you there, Jay. All right, good luck by They'll get
Speaker 1: it figured out. I think I think she's right. I
Speaker 1: think that problem is very fixable. It just it's gonna
Speaker 1: take some communication and some some solves, some fixes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, people can influence each other. Like when I
Speaker 1: dated Joe Ky, he made the bed every morning, even
Speaker 1: though like I have a housekeeper in my house. Even
Speaker 1: when we were in hotels, he would make the bed
Speaker 1: every morning, And now I make the bed every morning
Speaker 1: because I'm just like, that's nice. I'm gonna do that too.
Speaker 1: It just feels like an adult thing to do. It
Speaker 1: does help set your day out, even regardless of whether
Speaker 1: your bed is getting made or not. It's like, it's
Speaker 1: good to do that for yourself. It is, it is.
Speaker 1: I think for me this sort of thing changed during
Speaker 1: the pandemic of like make in my bed every day,
Speaker 1: making sure every dish is done every night, you know,
Speaker 1: for the most part, just because I was like, this
Speaker 1: is the only space where we're in. I used to
Speaker 1: be much more like, you know, we wouldn't say day's
Speaker 1: worth of dishes in the sink. But being trapped in
Speaker 1: one space all the time definitely helped me like get
Speaker 1: into routines of like every night, everything is clean before
Speaker 1: I go to bed. But they'll get it figured out.
Speaker 1: I think they will. I think it also helps her
Speaker 1: boyfriends a little older than her two because she's twenty
Speaker 1: five and he's thirty, so he's at a place where
Speaker 1: he should be doing the dishes every night. Our next
Speaker 1: call comes from Dana, Dear Chelsea. I'm currently listening to
Speaker 1: your podcast with Psychic Media Laurel and Jackson, and I
Speaker 1: feel so strongly compelled to write in and ask for
Speaker 1: your advice. My husband and I have been married for
Speaker 1: almost seventeen years. He has two wonderful children from a
Speaker 1: previous marriage, and we have a fifteen year old son together.
Speaker 1: I've been in my stepchildren's lives since they were seven
Speaker 1: and four, so I know them well and I love
Speaker 1: them very much. My stepdaughter and I have grown very
Speaker 1: close over the years. She's now twenty three years old.
Speaker 1: My stepson is twenty seven years old, and we've given
Speaker 1: him even more attention and focus than my stepdaughter throughout
Speaker 1: his life. Although he's never been missed or personality. Over
Speaker 1: the last few years, my stepson has been acting increasingly strange.
Speaker 1: I can't put it into words, but even my husband
Speaker 1: and mother in law say that he's strange. I, on
Speaker 1: the other hand, have grown more and more uncomfortable around
Speaker 1: him and feel such bad energy when he's around. Ooh.
Speaker 1: It's not just a negative energy, but something more that
Speaker 1: my gut and intuition won't let go of. It's reached
Speaker 1: the point where I don't trust him and I feel
Speaker 1: that my younger child is not safe around him for
Speaker 1: some reason. I have no actual, real evidence of this,
Speaker 1: but I can't shake off this feeling of bad energy,
Speaker 1: and I'm almost starting to feel anxious and afraid when
Speaker 1: he's around. I'm not wondering how to get rid of
Speaker 1: these saws because they have been so pervasive that I
Speaker 1: feel like I need to pay attention to them. Do
Speaker 1: you have any advice as to what I should do?
Speaker 1: Thank you for being a light in my life, always
Speaker 1: making me laugh, and for being a beautiful, smart, unapologetic
Speaker 1: and badass a woman. Love you, Dana, Hi, Dana, Hi,
Speaker 1: Dana Hi? Hi? How are you hi? Okay? So he's
Speaker 1: twenty seven, so he's an adult. So how often is
Speaker 1: he around you? Guys? He doesn't live with you, guys? No, No, lately,
Speaker 1: much less. When he was younger, almost all the time,
Speaker 1: there was no restriction on, you know, when he could visit.
Speaker 1: As he got older, you know, you get busier. But
Speaker 1: now it's almost like he is acting more and more strange.
Speaker 1: So I don't know. So the more that happens, the
Speaker 1: less we're seeing him. So do you have any sort
Speaker 1: of descriptors for this type of strange. Is it like
Speaker 1: he's angry? Is it awkwardness? Like, what does that feel like? Exactly?
Speaker 1: It's that it's all of that. And then the reason
Speaker 1: I said trusting my gutes is because I feel like
Speaker 1: there's something more and I don't know if I should
Speaker 1: be careful about it or you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: I just don't know what it is. That there's just
Speaker 1: something else, and you know, I need to protect my child.
Speaker 1: Of course, absolutely, No, they've known each other obviously. I've
Speaker 1: known him since he's a little boy, since he's seven
Speaker 1: years old. He's never been like mister personality. But now
Speaker 1: it's just it's reached a point where even my husband
Speaker 1: acknowledges that there's something strange going on. So I don't
Speaker 1: really know what to do with that. With I guess
Speaker 1: the intuition, Yeah, well, I think you're always have to
Speaker 1: trust your intuition. That's mother's intuition, female intuition, like that's
Speaker 1: kind of inarguable. That's your priority as your child, and
Speaker 1: this guy is an adult, so he's not in your
Speaker 1: life that much, you know, And you know, it doesn't
Speaker 1: even matter what it matters how it makes you feel, right,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what the behavior is. It just matters
Speaker 1: that your spidy senses are kind of up, and I
Speaker 1: think you have to have an honest conversation with your
Speaker 1: husband about the boundaries that you want to create and
Speaker 1: explain to him that, like, you're not just going to
Speaker 1: take a chance something doesn't sit right with you, and
Speaker 1: you're not going to ignore that feeling and that you
Speaker 1: have to behave in the best interests of your younger
Speaker 1: child or children. Sorry, you said you have two children, right.
Speaker 1: I have a stepdaughter, so she's younger. Also her I've
Speaker 1: known her her whole life. But my son's fifteen, okay,
Speaker 1: and my stepdaughter is great, Like, she's amazing. She's so different,
Speaker 1: very ambitious, very smart, very hard working, you know, always
Speaker 1: wants to be around and very open and talkative. I
Speaker 1: totally agree with Chelsea. I think you absolutely must listen
Speaker 1: to your gut. And maybe that's not saying he's never
Speaker 1: allowed in my home, but maybe that's like anytime he's
Speaker 1: in my home, I'm in the room when he's with
Speaker 1: my younger son. Like, I think that is absolutely totally
Speaker 1: fine to have a role for yourself with that or
Speaker 1: that your husband's in the room or whatever, because your
Speaker 1: gut is telling you this for a reason, Like if
Speaker 1: those spidy senses are absolutely there for a reason, are
Speaker 1: there any sort of behaviors you can point to? I mean,
Speaker 1: is it like he's hurting animals or is there any
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff or is it more like he's
Speaker 1: very reclusive and yeah, he's becoming a lot more awkward.
Speaker 1: He won't even to ask like can I talk to
Speaker 1: you about this behavior or this He's just don't say anything.
Speaker 1: They'll be like nope, again, I don't want to say
Speaker 1: that this is what I think it might be. But
Speaker 1: he's a little touchy feely with my son and even
Speaker 1: in front, and I know now as my son's getting older,
Speaker 1: he doesn't like that stuff. So the other and like
Speaker 1: he was he had his hand around his waist rather
Speaker 1: than like his show, which I well. I think it's
Speaker 1: also important to have your husband have a conversation with
Speaker 1: his son about possibly talking to someone like a professional,
Speaker 1: and you know, have it be between them, like listen,
Speaker 1: you're not comfortable and it's not your You don't have
Speaker 1: the responsibility that you have to talk to him. He's
Speaker 1: got a father who can say like listen. I think
Speaker 1: it's important that you sit down with somebody and see
Speaker 1: if there's an avenue there to pursue, like see if
Speaker 1: he's amenable to that, you know, or open to doing that,
Speaker 1: even if it was like group therapy or something that
Speaker 1: seemed bless you know, I'm sure he might be resistant,
Speaker 1: but you should definitely open the conversation. And of course
Speaker 1: you have to relay this to your husband and let
Speaker 1: him know that, like you have to set up some
Speaker 1: boundaries for the safety of your child, that your child
Speaker 1: feels it and you feel it, like that's it, that's
Speaker 1: all that you need, you know, agreed. I think you know.
Speaker 1: And maybe it's even like father and son go to
Speaker 1: a family therapy possessions, you know, like the two of
Speaker 1: them going together to be able to talk some of
Speaker 1: this stuff out. But I think there's also a conversation
Speaker 1: to have with your younger son about like, if anything
Speaker 1: happens that makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to let
Speaker 1: me know. Also it's okay to say like I'm not
Speaker 1: comfortable with that, empowering him to have that language as well,
Speaker 1: you know, if there's too much touchy feeliness, Yeah, that
Speaker 1: sounds great. It's really like my husband's call because again
Speaker 1: he has a mother, he has a father, and maybe
Speaker 1: it's your husband saying he wants to go into therapy
Speaker 1: with his kids. Maybe he can reframe it, like your
Speaker 1: stepdaughter and him and the stepson. Maybe they all go
Speaker 1: together to kind of make it a different dynamic so
Speaker 1: he doesn't feel like he's being attacked or targeted or something.
Speaker 1: You know that it's more of a family affair in
Speaker 1: the name of the safety for the rest of the family.
Speaker 1: Like obviously, if you ignore something and people's behavior escalate
Speaker 1: and escalate, it's always headed in a bad direction. When
Speaker 1: people become reclusive and they become isolated and all of
Speaker 1: those things like those are red flags, and to ignore
Speaker 1: it a disservice to him, Like you're not helping him
Speaker 1: at all by ignoring it, and his father's not helping
Speaker 1: him by ignoring it. So something has to happen. You know,
Speaker 1: if you watch any of these shows about true crime
Speaker 1: and stuff, it's just like always leading up to this.
Speaker 1: You see this behavior and it's worth calling out and
Speaker 1: addressing before things get carried away, because even though it's
Speaker 1: not your responsibility, it's part of your life, right And
Speaker 1: does he have a job. He does, but he's like
Speaker 1: in a retail job. But he's not ambitious. And it's
Speaker 1: just so weird because my husband's got a great job.
Speaker 1: My stepdaughter just finished school and she's she's so driven
Speaker 1: and ambitious and she's going to be a professional. He
Speaker 1: has like great role models in his life, but it's
Speaker 1: in him. He's not driven, he's awkward, he's an escalating.
Speaker 1: It's just trusting my gut. Like I said, it won't
Speaker 1: go away, So I really do want to do something. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: he sounds depressed also, so like your husband can bring
Speaker 1: it that up. I mean, if you want to make
Speaker 1: it a direct thing and not a family thing, it
Speaker 1: can be. We're concerned. You know, you seem very depressed,
Speaker 1: like you're not acting normal, You're not acting like yourself.
Speaker 1: So yeah, but you should definitely put up some boundaries
Speaker 1: and make sure that you're protected, that your son is protected,
Speaker 1: that nobody's alone with him, you know, including you. You
Speaker 1: shouldn't be alone with him either. Good point. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: you know, maybe also just to like make sure everything
Speaker 1: up to this point has been okay for your son,
Speaker 1: maybe having him go to a couple of sessions with
Speaker 1: a counselor too, just to you know, just to clear
Speaker 1: the air, make sure everything's going all right with him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he actually does some one himself. So I can have
Speaker 1: him address that and say, like what does he think
Speaker 1: of his behavior in the last few years. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: how your son feels about it too, you know, like
Speaker 1: is he feeling uncomfortable? You know, maybe the therapist can
Speaker 1: help give him some language for that as well, for
Speaker 1: when uncomfortable situations do arise, and making sure that your
Speaker 1: son doesn't end up alone with him on his own volition,
Speaker 1: like that they're not making plans without you that you
Speaker 1: don't know about, you know, yes, right, right, right, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: all right, So just but do address it. You have
Speaker 1: to address it. Don't leave it, because that could be
Speaker 1: a dangerous person, you know what I mean. You don't
Speaker 1: know what he's doing in his private time and his
Speaker 1: private life. Definitely address it because we need more people
Speaker 1: to say things, you know, when when stuff like this
Speaker 1: is around us, right, like my like my mother in law,
Speaker 1: his grandmother, she's even saying, you know, like I don't
Speaker 1: know what he does in his life. Nobody really knows,
Speaker 1: Like his own mother. He's so defensive and secretive, and
Speaker 1: I don't want to pry. I just want him to
Speaker 1: like start I want to feel safe. Yeah, and and
Speaker 1: like you started to help him too, if you start
Speaker 1: acting like less defensive and less weird. Yeah, so well, Dana, um,
Speaker 1: keep us posted. I know this is like a pretty
Speaker 1: tricky situation, but yeah, let us know what you guys
Speaker 1: decide to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's not an incident,
Speaker 1: it's like an ongoing yeah yeah, but just you know
Speaker 1: that your instinct and you can relay this to your husband, like,
Speaker 1: it's not negotiable. This is your child. It's the most
Speaker 1: important thing in the world to you. You're not willing
Speaker 1: to negotiate on this. This is a big issue. It's
Speaker 1: been bothering you for some time, and you have to
Speaker 1: trust yourself because God forbid anything happened to your son,
Speaker 1: you would never forgive yourself. No, no, no, because it's
Speaker 1: also pervasive thought. It's like yes, I'm sure, I'm sure,
Speaker 1: And you can get yourself some ease, you know too,
Speaker 1: by having open conversations about it, not around it about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, that's very good point. So we've been
Speaker 1: doing okay, good, good, Okay, We'll definitely keep us posted.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling. I love you too, honey. Thanks
Speaker 1: Dana so much. I mean, honestly, like that is the
Speaker 1: best advice we can give to any woman, is like,
Speaker 1: if something feels off, it is it is off. Yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: Intuition is everything and we need to trust it. It's
Speaker 1: a knowing. We all have it, and you know what
Speaker 1: you feel, it's like in your stomach. Lately, it's in
Speaker 1: your stomach. You bring up true crime. Like our last
Speaker 1: apartment that we were in, there was this couple that
Speaker 1: lived below us, and they were like maybe in their fifties.
Speaker 1: So you don't think like that's going to be so
Speaker 1: dramatic or whatever, but this couple in their fifties, they
Speaker 1: would have these horrible, nasty fights and they were usually verbal,
Speaker 1: but it escalated during the pandemic when they're like stuck
Speaker 1: at home together and I would say to Brad, I'm like,
Speaker 1: he's going to hurt her, he's going to kill her,
Speaker 1: partially because he would say I'm gonna kill you. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna kill you. And I told myself, these thoughts are
Speaker 1: coming up for me, like he's saying these horrible things
Speaker 1: and like he's threatening her, he's gonna do it, And
Speaker 1: I thought, you know, I just watched too much true crime.
Speaker 1: I just listened too many true crime podcasts, And sure enough,
Speaker 1: a couple of years ago, he attempted to kill her
Speaker 1: and then he killed himself, and she thankfully survived and
Speaker 1: is doing well now, and he did not. But I
Speaker 1: was just, you know, I had this overwhelming feeling, and
Speaker 1: we call the police several times, being like, this is happening.
Speaker 1: Of course, they came too late to do anything about
Speaker 1: it anytime that it was happening. But just trust your gut, like,
Speaker 1: don't convince yourself. Your gut is just you're making too
Speaker 1: big of a deal about it, Like put safeguards there
Speaker 1: for yourself whenever you can. I was watching that My
Speaker 1: Lovers was My Killer thing on Netflix. That's a true
Speaker 1: crime thing about people, you know, who got into really
Speaker 1: controlling relationships with men who eventually murdered them. And women
Speaker 1: did it too, but obviously not at such a high rate.
Speaker 1: But it's like, all the signs lead to the same
Speaker 1: fucking thing. The controlling behavior, the phone, isolating you from
Speaker 1: your family, you're not talking to your parents anymore, you
Speaker 1: move away from your friends, you're not allowed to go
Speaker 1: out with your friends, and then the abuse starts and
Speaker 1: then the abuse escalates and then they fucking kill you.
Speaker 1: It's always lead to the same shit. There's no one
Speaker 1: that's controlling that just gets over it that all of
Speaker 1: a sudden has come to Jesus and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know what, this is toxic. It always goes down
Speaker 1: a very controlling line of behavior. It always escalates. It's
Speaker 1: we're going to de escalate without like extreme intervention, or
Speaker 1: you get yourself out of the situation. You know, you
Speaker 1: leave the situation. Well, let's take a quick break and
Speaker 1: we'll be right back to wrap up and we're back. Well, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: I have a question that I could ask you for
Speaker 1: advice about teenagers. My sweet Niees, she and my other
Speaker 1: niece are coming to visit in a couple of weeks,
Speaker 1: and since you're a great auntie who has nieces visiting
Speaker 1: all the time, my question is, what do you talk
Speaker 1: about with teenagers kind of struggle with this? Oh my god,
Speaker 1: whatever they want to talk about is what you talk
Speaker 1: about with teenagers. It's a loop to them. I mean,
Speaker 1: this weekend I had Kelley, my ski buddy, her girls,
Speaker 1: the twins that I always have up here, you know,
Speaker 1: and it's just whatever the fuck they want. I have
Speaker 1: to play games. I have to play cards, I have
Speaker 1: to play whatever. I just to keep them entertained. They
Speaker 1: want to go out to eat, they want to, but
Speaker 1: you know, one of them's boy crazy and one of
Speaker 1: them's not. And one of them is on her phone
Speaker 1: all the time and the other one isn't, and so
Speaker 1: it's like it's different skill sets. But you just have
Speaker 1: to whatever they are into, you need to get into
Speaker 1: and that'll be easy for you. You're good at that,
Speaker 1: Believe me. I get exhausted. I'm like, okay, I've been
Speaker 1: doing this fucking two hours. I have to continue to
Speaker 1: play this card game. But it's you know, that time
Speaker 1: when it becomes easier, I know what you mean, though,
Speaker 1: You're like, how do you get a conversation going because
Speaker 1: you're in such different places. But I think the less
Speaker 1: pressure you put on it, the more natural the situation becomes,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like, it's okay if there's
Speaker 1: you don't have to keep every minute loaded with activities.
Speaker 1: They want to be on their phones half the time anyway,
Speaker 1: And you know, the nice conversations I think come naturally
Speaker 1: when you are playing a game that you don't want
Speaker 1: to play when you are out to dinner, you know,
Speaker 1: like you do all the things and then it just
Speaker 1: kind of flows. So yeah, but it's definitely not about you.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I just know, like, don't ask
Speaker 1: them about school because I think that's a boring question. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you got to ask them about their friend dynamics, about boys.
Speaker 1: I don't know all that stuff. Yes. I one of
Speaker 1: my friends kids once was telling like she opened up
Speaker 1: to me and was like saying, oh, you know me
Speaker 1: and my friends, So we think we're gonna try like
Speaker 1: a weed candy thing. It was like one of those
Speaker 1: nerd ropes, but it had cannabis in it. And I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, well, like do you know how many
Speaker 1: milligrams are in it and everything? She's like, oh, it's
Speaker 1: one hundred and we're gonna split it four ways. I
Speaker 1: was like, you will lose your mind. Don't do this.
Speaker 1: So I like to pry a little bit and be like, um,
Speaker 1: just try like one one and try that. Yeah. I know,
Speaker 1: definitely pry because that's how you get information. But I
Speaker 1: like to always be like I'm on your level. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm with you, see you with me. I try to
Speaker 1: be a cool Auntie, I try, I try. Yeah, well, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: this was super fun today. Yes, it was anything else
Speaker 1: we want to say to wrap up, Netflix specialist called Revolution.
Speaker 1: It's streaming on Netflix. And I just won the Comedy
Speaker 1: Icon Award of the Year. Yes, varieties Comedy Icon of
Speaker 1: the Year. How cool is that? Listen? Was there any
Speaker 1: other choice? There was? I don't know. I don't know
Speaker 1: how They're fun. Oh that's so excited. Yes, and I
Speaker 1: will see everyone. Well, I'll see everyone on tour, a
Speaker 1: little big bitch tour. Yes, I've added some new dates.
Speaker 1: I added a date in Monticello, New York. I'm coming
Speaker 1: to Colorado to Red Rocks Amphitheater. I'm coming to Calamazoo,
Speaker 1: and then I'm coming to a bunch of places in Tennessee, Memphis, Knoxville,
Speaker 1: and Chattanooga. That's May nineteenth, twentieth, and twenty first. And
Speaker 1: then I'll be in Atlantic City June tenth, which is
Speaker 1: almost still doubt. So go to Chelsea howm com for tickets. Oh, well,
Speaker 1: see you guys very soon. Okay, take care. A note
Speaker 1: on our segment calling in Backup with Better Health. David
Speaker 1: Yaddish's input is general psychological information based on research and
Speaker 1: clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature.
Speaker 1: It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or
Speaker 1: professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. David's feedback is
Speaker 1: in response to a written question, and therefore there are
Speaker 1: likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also, just because
Speaker 1: you might hear something on the show that sounds similar
Speaker 1: to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis. Diagnosis is
Speaker 1: not required to find relief, and you'll want to find
Speaker 1: a qualified professional to assess and to explore diagnoses if
Speaker 1: that's important to you. If you or your partner are
Speaker 1: in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
Speaker 1: please reach out for support to crisis hotlines or local
Speaker 1: authorities have a safety plan and that can be done
Speaker 1: with a therapist too. So if you like advice from Chelsea,
Speaker 1: just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio,
Speaker 1: produced by Kathryne Law and edited and engineered by Brad
Speaker 1: Dickart