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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. God are we rolling? Brett? Are

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Speaker 1: we rolling? You're going It's happening, Catherine. You had a

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Speaker 1: big party this weekend. I did. It was my thirty

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Speaker 1: eighth birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you. Brad had I think

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Speaker 1: the best idea for a theme. He was like, well,

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Speaker 1: can be the nineteenth anniversary of your nineteenth birthday. I

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Speaker 1: loved that idea. I was like, it's so ridiculous, it

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Speaker 1: just might work. And so everyone dressed as they did

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Speaker 1: when they were nineteen, including and I'll have to show

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Speaker 1: you a picture of this my one friend who was

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Speaker 1: a Mormon missionary when he was nineteen, So he wore

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Speaker 1: the whole get up with like the tie and the

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Speaker 1: name tag and everything. Yeah, he was like, this is

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Speaker 1: what I looked like when I was nineteen. So as

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Speaker 1: he recovered from being a more thanks thanks God, as

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Speaker 1: they say an espanyah, thanks God. I wasn't there, Captaine,

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Speaker 1: because I got my face scraped off, because the way

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Speaker 1: I lived my life is I go for it and

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Speaker 1: then I reverse the damage. So I was in my

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Speaker 1: hyperbaric chamber unfortunately, but I know all the girls came,

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Speaker 1: and yes, I've been recuperating I rented a hyperbaric chamber

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Speaker 1: because I did that Morpheus fucking laser. Yeah. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: I gotta tell I'm buying that thing. That thing. First

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Speaker 1: of all, I've read six books. I've read six books

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Speaker 1: in six days. Because you're in there. You could go

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Speaker 1: in there for like two and a half hours. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: well I can. I mean the one I have, you

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Speaker 1: could go in for two and a half hours. Max

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Speaker 1: isn't like it pressurizes you. Yeah, so oxygenates you. So

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Speaker 1: it gives you like one hundred and fifty percent oxygen

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Speaker 1: when normally I think we get from thirty to fifty percent.

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Speaker 1: I don't really know what I'm talking about here, but

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Speaker 1: this is visa ving my assistant, one of my assistants.

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Speaker 1: I'll pretend that I don't. I mean, I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to pretend that I don't have more than one assistant.

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Speaker 1: I do, and this podcast is about honesty on some

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Speaker 1: other things. But he's telling me that that's what happens.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to read more about it, but I am

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Speaker 1: going to purchase it because it's incredible and also it

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Speaker 1: gives you this a lotted amount of time, Like this morning,

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Speaker 1: I did ninety minutes, but to read. So I've read

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Speaker 1: yeah everything, I mean not everything, but I went on

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Speaker 1: a little fix reading Tirade when I was a whistler

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Speaker 1: because I was just enjoying myself. Yeah, but then, like everything,

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Speaker 1: I like to reverse that, and then I like to

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Speaker 1: flip it and reverse it. This intro is all about

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Speaker 1: turning back time. Yeah. Well, I wanted to resupplement my

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Speaker 1: brain with more informative stuff. So now then I made

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Speaker 1: a commitment to read hard things. So I'm reading five

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Speaker 1: books at one time. One is on Cuba, which is

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Speaker 1: fucking fascinating. How you posted, Yes, it's called it's by

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Speaker 1: Aida Ferrar. I believe it's called An American History in Cuba.

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Speaker 1: Maybe anyway, Cuba's and big letters on the cover of

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Speaker 1: the book, so that should sort everything out. But it's fascinating.

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Speaker 1: It talks about Columbus landing on Hispaniola, which was the

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Speaker 1: Dominican Republic, and Haiti and before and Cuba. He never

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Speaker 1: landed in the United States at all nearby, And then

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Speaker 1: it talks about, you know, how the how Cuba became

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Speaker 1: like the port of the West, like the intro, so

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Speaker 1: all the Spaniards would come over, go to South America

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Speaker 1: and go to Mexico, come back with all the goods,

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Speaker 1: drop port and refuel you know, food, hookers whatever, Cuba. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then they would go back to Europe and that's

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Speaker 1: what started piracy because the French wanted in on the

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Speaker 1: action of all the ship the Spanish were getting, so

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Speaker 1: then they started piracy. And then they attacked Cuba and

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Speaker 1: they had to refortify it and make it a port

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Speaker 1: that was like defensible. It's fascinating and it's a huge

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Speaker 1: gap in my knowledge of what happened in the world. Well,

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Speaker 1: when you read, you were saying on your post, like

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Speaker 1: I should go back to history class. But they didn't

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Speaker 1: teach us the stuff in history class because it was

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Speaker 1: all anglicized and colonize our size and it's only any worse,

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Speaker 1: especially if you want to go to Florida. He should

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Speaker 1: be arrested, I mean he honestly, Ronda Santos is so disgusting. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: more positive note, I'm reading that Short History of Humanity

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Speaker 1: is another book that I'm reading, which is fascinating about

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Speaker 1: Neanderthals and denis Ovans, which I didn't even knew existed,

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Speaker 1: and Anatolia all this shit, and that's good. And then

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Speaker 1: I'm reading Katie Kurik's biography because I hadn't finished that one,

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Speaker 1: and so that's awesome because that's a nice good dose

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Speaker 1: of She's so cute. When we had on the podcast,

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Speaker 1: I was like, wait a second, I didn't finish her book.

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Speaker 1: I need to. She loves you by the way I

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Speaker 1: love her. She came to my comedy I got my

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Speaker 1: Comedy Icon awarded south By Southwest, and she showed up.

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Speaker 1: So we were able to tell the Woody's Alan's story together,

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Speaker 1: which was awesome. And then what else am I reading? Oh?

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Speaker 1: This other book that my friend that I are on

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Speaker 1: our best behavior, which we're having her on the podcast

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Speaker 1: at least loan In, which is all about the Seven

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Speaker 1: Deadly Sins, how they were orchestrated because of religion, and

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Speaker 1: how it basically introduced patriarchy into society and why how

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Speaker 1: we're trying to dismantlate and all of the things that

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Speaker 1: you know, greed, sloth, all of this stuff that we're

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Speaker 1: supposed to not feel is obviously impossible. And then I

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Speaker 1: am reading Matthew McConaughey's book, another one I started but

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Speaker 1: then I never finished because now we have him coming

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Speaker 1: on the podcast, you guys for our very final episode

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Speaker 1: of the season. Yeah, because he's promoting something very unexpected yea.

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Speaker 1: And his book is fucking incredible And I am late

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Speaker 1: to the party on this as usual because it was

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Speaker 1: one of those books that everyone was talking about, yeah

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Speaker 1: or you know, probably still are, and it was on

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Speaker 1: the bestseller list for weeks and weeks and weeks, and

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Speaker 1: I know why. It is incredible. He's so deep and

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Speaker 1: not in a way that you, you know, want to

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Speaker 1: make fun of. It's deep in a sincere cringe. It's

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Speaker 1: not cringing. It's totally real. And he's a man and

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Speaker 1: like a renegade and a renaissance, a man on all

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Speaker 1: of the things. So yeah, I'm really excited to talk

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Speaker 1: to him. Then there's this one Tao te Ching Stephen Mitchell,

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Speaker 1: which is like, oh, that is a great little read

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Speaker 1: for everybody who's listening to this, because it's the Tao

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Speaker 1: of Ching, like it's how you become spiritual and relaxed.

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Speaker 1: And I love this quote I read in it, like

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Speaker 1: when the student needs a teacher, the teacher shows up

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Speaker 1: right on time, and then when the student no longer

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Speaker 1: needs the teacher, the teacher disappears. So it was a

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Speaker 1: nice metaphor for all the people that come in and

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Speaker 1: out of your life. Right, Yeah, I just got a

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Speaker 1: chuff from that. I had a teacher depart just very recently.

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Speaker 1: Oh really yeah, and not dead but exited my sphere. Well,

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Speaker 1: so okay, yes, yes. Then there's Breath by James Nestor.

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Speaker 1: Have you read that? No? I haven't. This is my

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Speaker 1: friend Nikola brought this up for me for my birthday

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Speaker 1: this year, and it's all about breathing and how you

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Speaker 1: can calm yourself down when you're having a panic attack

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Speaker 1: or anxiety, or even like getting yourself to sleep at night,

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Speaker 1: waking up in the morning, ways to energize yourself. I've

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Speaker 1: never really been into breathwork, so I'm trying to like

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Speaker 1: open that door. Yeah. And then you know my all

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Speaker 1: time favorite, which is Letting Go. I thought we would

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Speaker 1: do a little book update for all the reading books.

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Speaker 1: So this book that I talk about all the time,

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Speaker 1: the Pathway of Surrender by David Hawkins, who's a PhD

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Speaker 1: in an MD. I talk about this. I mentioned it

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Speaker 1: on the podcast a lot because I always go back

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Speaker 1: to this book and I'm not a person that reads

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Speaker 1: books more than once. But I always go back to

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Speaker 1: this book because it really really can help you out,

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Speaker 1: like the energy that you're putting out, the vibration that

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Speaker 1: you're putting out right, like, are you attracting good things?

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Speaker 1: Are you putting out negativity? Are you stuck in your grief?

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Speaker 1: Are you stuck in your pain? Are you stuck in

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Speaker 1: not letting go? Or you stuck in blame? And then

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Speaker 1: like the latter to working your way up to courage

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Speaker 1: to bravery, to love to compassion, you know, and that

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Speaker 1: every time we have an emotion, there's an opposite emotion,

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Speaker 1: and we are choosing to either sit in the negative

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Speaker 1: emotion or move on to the positive emotion. So I

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Speaker 1: love this book because it really is deep and it

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Speaker 1: really makes you realize the more aligned you are with

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Speaker 1: everything that's going on, the more accepting you are of

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Speaker 1: things that don't go your way, the easier everything becomes,

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Speaker 1: and the higher vibration that you're like putting out there,

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Speaker 1: and then all these things just start happening. It's kind

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Speaker 1: of like magic. I mean, it's happened to me so

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Speaker 1: many times, especially when I get in a funk, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: oh no, no no, no, you're not allowed to do this anymore,

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Speaker 1: and not in a berating kind of way. It's just

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Speaker 1: like lift yourself up, yourself out of it, you know,

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Speaker 1: So that kind of you know, attitude. It's a nice

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Speaker 1: reminder to like always switch it around, flip it. You know.

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Speaker 1: We had a really interesting conversation with my dad this

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Speaker 1: week about exactly that we have been having a frustrating

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Speaker 1: time with a contractor who's ghosting and this and this,

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Speaker 1: and we already paid him and he's not shown up

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Speaker 1: and he's doing shoddy work and all these things when

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Speaker 1: he does show up, and you know, it had been

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Speaker 1: really weighing on us and getting worse and worse, and

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Speaker 1: we're just like so frustrated and upset, and we finally

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Speaker 1: called my dad and we're like, what do we do?

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Speaker 1: Do we have to take this guy to court? Like

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Speaker 1: what do we which we didn't want to do because

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Speaker 1: we know that's just a nightmare and a half. And

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Speaker 1: my dad goes, you know what, it's a learning experience.

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Speaker 1: You're allowed to be mad about it for forty eight

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Speaker 1: hours and then you let it the fuck go, and

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Speaker 1: you know what it was, so, you know, the conversation

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Speaker 1: we had with him was so full of love, and

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Speaker 1: he was like, unfortunately, this is just like a thing

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Speaker 1: that happens, and you're learning a lesson, and it's an

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Speaker 1: expensive lesson, but you don't need to carry this weight

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Speaker 1: around with you and this anger around with you that's poisonous.

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Speaker 1: Be angry for a moment, and then move on. And

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Speaker 1: since that conversation, we've made it into this positive. We're

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Speaker 1: moving on, even though sometimes it's a little difficult because

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Speaker 1: we're sort of getting ourselves out of the sticky situation.

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Speaker 1: And you know, now Brad's dad is going to come

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Speaker 1: out and help him with some of the building, which

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Speaker 1: they love to build things together. So we're really turning

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Speaker 1: it into I think something that's going to be really lovely.

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Speaker 1: He's going to have good memories of doing this with

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Speaker 1: his dad, and so I think it's going to work

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Speaker 1: out just fine. But you do have to make this

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Speaker 1: conscious decision of like I'm going to be done with that,

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Speaker 1: you know, and kind of like catch yourself and be like, no,

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Speaker 1: what can we do to actually make this a positive.

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Speaker 1: It's also talks about blame a lot, like when you

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Speaker 1: blame someone for something, even if it is completely their fault,

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Speaker 1: what is that buying you, like, why do you need

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Speaker 1: to blame someone like and this is a perfect example

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Speaker 1: of like, well, obviously it's the contractor's fault because he

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Speaker 1: did it everything. But it's like, what's the point of that,

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Speaker 1: you know, what's the point of blaming him for that?

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Speaker 1: I mean, obviously it's money. It's frustrating all of the things,

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Speaker 1: especially when someone's so irresponsible and contractors are notorious for

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Speaker 1: blowing people off and you know, not finishing the job

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Speaker 1: on time or raping you for prices. But yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: like what are you gaining from the blame? What are

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Speaker 1: you buying yourself? Because there's always something that you're getting, Like, oh,

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Speaker 1: then you're innocent. Even if you blame someone for a

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Speaker 1: breakup like he was crazy or he was out of

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Speaker 1: control or blah blah blah, it's like, well, yeah, but

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Speaker 1: so then you're scott free. You're innocent. Like it talks

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Speaker 1: about the concept of like just let it all go,

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Speaker 1: don't hold onto those sort of emotions. Yeah, the blame

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Speaker 1: is what keeps you cycling of like I gotta make

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Speaker 1: this person act a certain way, whether it's a relationship

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Speaker 1: or something like this, I gotta make them do this.

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Speaker 1: I gotta like force them to do this. They are

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Speaker 1: at fault for X y Z. But it's like, once

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Speaker 1: you're just realized that you actually can't force anybody to

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Speaker 1: be a certain way, or do a certain thing or

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Speaker 1: show up for you, it gets a lot easier to

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Speaker 1: let that go. And you're like, I actually can't force

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Speaker 1: this person to do anything. Okay, so what do I

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Speaker 1: do instead? I move on, I figure out what the

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Speaker 1: solution actually is. And the solution is actually probably going

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Speaker 1: to come from me, you know, not from this external

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Speaker 1: source that I can't force to do anything right exactly. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I mean that's my reading situation right now. I

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Speaker 1: can't get enough of this shit. I'm so excited about

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Speaker 1: how much I'm consuming. I'm going to have to get

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Speaker 1: a hyperbaric chamber so I have time to read. I know,

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Speaker 1: I know you can't bring your phone in there, and

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Speaker 1: I have to because I have to time how much

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Speaker 1: time I'm in there. Yeah, but I try not to

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Speaker 1: be on that, you know, can see. I'm curious. Do

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Speaker 1: you find that the increased oxygen in the hyperbaric chamber

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Speaker 1: makes it easier to like focus when reading and that

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Speaker 1: kind of stuff? I mean, I can't really tell the difference.

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Speaker 1: Casey says he has more clarity when he gets out.

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Speaker 1: But I don't know. I just I know it's reducing swelling.

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Speaker 1: That's all I know. But yes, I'm not having any

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Speaker 1: trouble focusing on my reading. I mean, I know that

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Speaker 1: it does a lot of healing after the fact. In

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Speaker 1: there for an hour and a half or two hours

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Speaker 1: or whatever, you can withstand and then after the fact

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Speaker 1: it continues to heal you or has healing proponents. So

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Speaker 1: I know that much. And also my recovery time for

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Speaker 1: this what I did and the laser was half of

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Speaker 1: what it was when I didn't use the hyperbaric chamber. Also,

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Speaker 1: you guys, I have a second show in Spokane, Washington

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Speaker 1: that we added. I want you everybody to know that

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Speaker 1: because I'd like to sell that one out as well

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Speaker 1: as the first show. We added it on Thursday night

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Speaker 1: before the first show. I think that's in April. And

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Speaker 1: then I'm playing Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. Fabulous. Ah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: so come on, let's go to that too, because that's

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Speaker 1: almost sold out. All the other dates for a Little

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Speaker 1: Big Bitch Tour are available at Chelseahandler dot com and yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm really excited. Most of the cities are almost sold out.

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Speaker 1: I love that, guys, go see it's gonna be so fun.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna be fun. I can't wait to get on

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Speaker 1: stage again. I have so much shit to try out

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Speaker 1: and work out and figure out that I'm really excited.

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Speaker 1: Usually fine that you really like this portion where you're

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Speaker 1: trying new things the most, or do you like it

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Speaker 1: when it's like really dialed in. No, I used to

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Speaker 1: like it when it was really dialed in, but I've

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Speaker 1: never been at this Lucy goosey about it, Like, I'm

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Speaker 1: just going to go to Nashville next week and really

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Speaker 1: just go up there and try shit and not use

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Speaker 1: it as like, know that it's an experiment, not that

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Speaker 1: it's a show. It is a show, but it's my thing.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, and just kind of not worrying too much

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Speaker 1: about where it goes or what direction it leads in. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: just like your dancing. Yeah, just like my dancing doing it.

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Speaker 1: I make dance on stage. Oh my gosh, you just

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Speaker 1: never know what to expect. I am actually reading something also.

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Speaker 1: It is one of the books that Laurel and Jackson recommended.

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Speaker 1: Return to Life extraordinary cases of children who remember past lives.

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Speaker 1: It is pretty interesting. It's a little bit like this

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Speaker 1: kid said this thing and it was right. So it's

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Speaker 1: a little bit of that sort of repeatedly, and then

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden in the third section, it's taken

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Speaker 1: a turn toward quantum mechanics, which is a quantum theory

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Speaker 1: which is sort of hard to like pay attention to

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Speaker 1: us It like what is that falling asleep? It's about

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Speaker 1: is it another dimension? Basically, it's about like the dimensionality

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Speaker 1: of space time and like how particles work and how

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Speaker 1: like how when a shooting when you see a shooting

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Speaker 1: start happened four thousand billion years ago and seeing it now, yes,

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Speaker 1: And there's also a lot of mystery to it, like yeah,

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Speaker 1: I bet because it's fucking confusing. It's it's hard to

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Speaker 1: read while I'm following asleep at night. But the book

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Speaker 1: itself is really interesting. He talks about like, for example,

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Speaker 1: there's one kid who's like three, and he starts talking

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Speaker 1: about a plane crash and he died in a plane

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Speaker 1: crash in his previous life, and he knows his plane

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Speaker 1: took off from a boat and it was called the

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Speaker 1: USS and Automa and they start looking into all these things.

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Speaker 1: It's like three year old knows where Eojima is on

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Speaker 1: the map, and they like find the person who they

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Speaker 1: think that he was who died in this crash, and

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Speaker 1: like his best friend who was on the ship with him.

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Speaker 1: It's actually like pretty bookie and pretty cool. Yeah. I've

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Speaker 1: read stuff like that where kids like speak a language

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Speaker 1: that they've never been taught at a very young age,

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Speaker 1: which makes which is nonsensical. Or they'll remember a day

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Speaker 1: in time. I remember reading it. I think it was

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Speaker 1: either Many Lives, Many Masters, which is another Laura Lynn

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Speaker 1: Jackson recommendation. But this kid remembering that he left his

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Speaker 1: wife and two children, and they went and found the

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Speaker 1: wife and two children were so alive, so like under

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Speaker 1: the pretense that he had been reincarnated, and as if

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Speaker 1: a young child under five remembered all of this and

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Speaker 1: where they were and that's where they were. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's the thing. It's crazy. It's like they really go

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Speaker 1: through and sort of scientifically kind of quote unquote prove

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Speaker 1: these things that this kid is saying that are correct.

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Speaker 1: It's bonkers, you know, preincarnation is a real thing. Like, fuck,

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Speaker 1: I hope this is my last go round. I don't

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Speaker 1: I don't want to come back as something like you know,

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Speaker 1: and then have to work hard again at my finding

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Speaker 1: myself and fucking working and uh, I just I just

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Speaker 1: want to break, you know. I'd rather be a like

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Speaker 1: a light, like a light work or in heaven and

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Speaker 1: helping people on earth do their best life. I think

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Speaker 1: Pisces are supposed to be living their last lives. Oh

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Speaker 1: that radically, it's supposed to be like, if you're Pisces,

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Speaker 1: this is your last go round. We are old souls,

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Speaker 1: we are true dad, sister Chelsea, I have some fun

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Speaker 1: updates for us, yes, previous episodes. That's kind of what's

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Speaker 1: really fun about these episodes is we get to hear

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Speaker 1: from a lot of folks who have thoughts or are

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Speaker 1: letting us know how things are going with them. So

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Speaker 1: we'll get this one out of the way first, since

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Speaker 1: I know it is not a fun topic for you,

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Speaker 1: but this is an update about our guy who is

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Speaker 1: leaving skid marks all over the girlfriend's house. I thought

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Speaker 1: it gonna be about snakes or something something murder marks. Yes,

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Speaker 1: this was a disgusting call. It was the worst about

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Speaker 1: a girl's boyfriend who sleeps over and leave skid marks

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Speaker 1: on the bed from his apparently all over the house

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Speaker 1: and apparently on the sofa, like because I guess he's

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Speaker 1: a Saint Bernard apparently. Well, Christie wrote in and said, Hey,

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Speaker 1: Catherine and Chelsea, I just listened to the latest episode

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Speaker 1: and wanted to let you know this skid mark situation

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Speaker 1: amongst men is more common than you think. Some men

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Speaker 1: sadly were not taught to wash their asshole in the shower.

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Speaker 1: They think just scrubbing me outside of the butt will suffice.

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Speaker 1: One Reddit poster was blown away and shocked that he

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Speaker 1: was supposed to quote get up in there with soap

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Speaker 1: and water. I highly recommend that this girlfriend get up

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Speaker 1: a day. The Tushi brand is easy to install and affordable. No,

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Speaker 1: I don't work for them, just very pro bi day.

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Speaker 1: Just a thought, what brand Tushi? Tushi? Yeah, they have

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Speaker 1: all these like at home? Baday, Well, I guess all

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Speaker 1: the days would be at home, But you're gonna go

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Speaker 1: to a restaurant and use a biday hopefully not. But

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Speaker 1: she said, love the podcast, Love you both. My deepest

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Speaker 1: sympathies to Chelsea Umberts passing. May his memory be a

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Speaker 1: blessing So It's a nice way to wind up an

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Speaker 1: email about something uncomfortable. Yeah. Oh, I thought the email

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Speaker 1: is going to be from someone the girl who was

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Speaker 1: dealing with No, she has not responded. Yea, she has

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Speaker 1: not responded yet. But I thought up a day as

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Speaker 1: a great idea. I'm like, I didn't even think of that.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, the day is a good idea for everybody.

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Speaker 1: I think so too. Although I am not probe day.

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Speaker 1: I feel like it's very clammy. I'm a cotton ll

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Speaker 1: wipe scale, so I like to be squeaky clean up. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I like wipes as well. Yeah, yeah, the water is

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Speaker 1: too wet for me. So this is another caller who

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Speaker 1: is weighing in and I thought this was just a

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Speaker 1: really good email about postpartum depression from our Megan Trainer episode.

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Speaker 1: She does not provide a name, but this listener wrote

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Speaker 1: in with a really thoughtful email. I'm writing to weigh

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Speaker 1: in on postpartum depression from your Megan Trainer episode. There

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Speaker 1: was a caller who was worried her depression might come

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Speaker 1: back postpartum. I loved what Megan Trainer said, and I

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Speaker 1: wanted to add perspective from a mother of two who

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Speaker 1: went through it myself. This is what I wished I

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Speaker 1: had known at the time. This happens to so many women,

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Speaker 1: and it's incredibly overwhelming to deal with if you think

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Speaker 1: you're on your own. Secondly, and most importantly, prepare your partner.

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Speaker 1: Many first time moms are afraid to use their partner

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Speaker 1: because they want to be the mom who can do

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Speaker 1: it all. This is a farce, so give up that

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Speaker 1: ego game ahead of time. You will make mistakes and

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Speaker 1: struggle to understand your baby, and so will your partner,

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Speaker 1: which is okay. You'll each have a relationship with this kid,

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Speaker 1: so you need to figure it out together. Communicate expectations

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Speaker 1: together ahead of time. Side note, if your partner is male,

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Speaker 1: it feels like many men will grow up with the

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Speaker 1: expectation that they're not as nurturing as women, which is

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Speaker 1: another farce. I recommend taking the pressure off yourself and

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Speaker 1: allowing him space to lean into his nurturing side and

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Speaker 1: let him learn about his baby and letting him struggle

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Speaker 1: at times. Thirdly, go easy on yourself. Remember your body

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Speaker 1: will go through a roller coaster of hormones after giving birth.

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Speaker 1: Ride the wave. Don't get frustrated with yourself, so you

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Speaker 1: can listen to your needs and adjust. Don't resent your

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Speaker 1: body's signs and suffer through them. Take naps. You might

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Speaker 1: feel gross from sweating all night. Make sure you bathe

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Speaker 1: in a hot and cold shower. Drink electrolytes or coconut water,

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Speaker 1: and take safe supplements. Talk to your doctor. Also, have

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Speaker 1: accessible fulfilling snacks, water bottles, and electrolyte powder in all

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Speaker 1: rooms of the house. Hunger and diet will play a

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Speaker 1: massive role in regulating yourself. I just like love this.

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Speaker 1: I think this is good for anybody dealing with any

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Speaker 1: kind of depression, any kind of that. Lastly, expand your

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Speaker 1: support group. You might want to crawl into a shell,

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Speaker 1: but in advance, get nearby family and friends on a cycle,

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Speaker 1: not for social hour, but to watch the baby so

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Speaker 1: you can look forward to time for yourself. It's crucial

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Speaker 1: to staying present within yourself, and don't be afraid to

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Speaker 1: ask for help. No matter what, you'll be a great mother.

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Speaker 1: There's already so much love for this baby who doesn't

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Speaker 1: exist yet, and they'll be lucky to have you as

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Speaker 1: their mom. With love a sister, and dear Chelsea not lovely.

425
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,159
Speaker 1: I thought that was just really sweet. And honestly like

426
00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:58,720
Speaker 1: good advice for anybody going through something, because we do

427
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,159
Speaker 1: forget to do these like little self care things or

428
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,199
Speaker 1: big self care things. You know. You hear about these

429
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,399
Speaker 1: moms who pass out because they haven't had a sip

430
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,200
Speaker 1: of water in four days, and I just thought that

431
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:11,760
Speaker 1: was really good, solid advice. Yeah, it sounds like it.

432
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,000
Speaker 1: I mean, I can't really weigh in because I don't

433
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:19,040
Speaker 1: have postpartum and we know why exactly, so I was like, well,

434
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,680
Speaker 1: this is good, this is like from someone. We also

435
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:25,040
Speaker 1: have an update from Niall, who was a fan favorite

436
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:29,439
Speaker 1: from our Julianna Margalis episode. He had gotten into a

437
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:33,480
Speaker 1: situation where he had accrued some credit card debt because

438
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,359
Speaker 1: he was working for a nonprofit helping with suicide prevention

439
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,439
Speaker 1: and had been like, I don't want to have to

440
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,679
Speaker 1: go back and work in the restaurant industry, but I

441
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,080
Speaker 1: feel like that's the only way to crush this debt.

442
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:46,000
Speaker 1: And our advice was like, go do it, get it

443
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,360
Speaker 1: over with and you can move on to the next

444
00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 1: part of your life. You know, so Nile says, speaking

445
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,280
Speaker 1: to you, Chelsea, and the lovely Julianna Margulis was one

446
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,359
Speaker 1: of the biggest highlights of the last year for me,

447
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,320
Speaker 1: and it was an honor and delight speaking with you

448
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,760
Speaker 1: and getting such good sound advice. You all continue to

449
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:05,440
Speaker 1: make me think, reflect, consider, and most importantly laugh out

450
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,520
Speaker 1: loud every week on the podcast, especially regarding your eggs

451
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:11,800
Speaker 1: on an airplane scandal that recently came to light. Oh,

452
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,600
Speaker 1: by the way, my friend Paige showed up with a

453
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,240
Speaker 1: bag of hard boiled eggs to my house. She's like,

454
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,080
Speaker 1: I was trying to hide this from you, but it's

455
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,840
Speaker 1: a refrigerator. Oh my goodness, Paige and I would be

456
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,199
Speaker 1: good friends. But she didn't take the shells off. She

457
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,560
Speaker 1: had the shells on, and which I think is a

458
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,800
Speaker 1: major That's something that anyone with an egg should have

459
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,240
Speaker 1: as a shell. But see, Okay, so, just to play

460
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,399
Speaker 1: Devil's advocate, if you have the shell on, then the

461
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,720
Speaker 1: egg is exposed for a longer while you're not healing it. Though.

462
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,800
Speaker 1: Remember you're just transporting them. You're not eating them on

463
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,679
Speaker 1: the airplane. You're bringing them to your next location. I

464
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,120
Speaker 1: have on occasion. Well, it's just like some of them

465
00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: have survived. It's like a kidnapping. You have to think

466
00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:55,720
Speaker 1: about it as a kidnapping, because that's what you're doing

467
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,719
Speaker 1: to people. You're kidnapping them with your eggs, and you

468
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 1: want to take the eggs and treat that's who you're kidnapping.

469
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,280
Speaker 1: You take the eggs from the first location to the

470
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 1: second location, and the transit is when they are in

471
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,679
Speaker 1: the trunk. Yes, yeah, it's getting hot and sweaty. We

472
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,640
Speaker 1: have gotten so many emails that were like, I thought

473
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,000
Speaker 1: Catherine was the only one, and lo and behold, I

474
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,320
Speaker 1: smelled something terrible on my last flight, and sure enough,

475
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,760
Speaker 1: it was hard boiled eggs. If you find yourself traveling

476
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,720
Speaker 1: with multiple packets of salt in your pockets or your purse,

477
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:33,400
Speaker 1: you might be the egg lady on an airplane. So gross.

478
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,920
Speaker 1: Some woman just DM me this morning. A flight attendant

479
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,800
Speaker 1: a guy with his bare feet up on the headrest

480
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,400
Speaker 1: of the person in front of him, and he posted

481
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,880
Speaker 1: it of his own feet, going, I hope this guy

482
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:49,080
Speaker 1: can't smell my feet, so he's gonna have to be arrested.

483
00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:51,640
Speaker 1: I'm on the plane tomorrow, so I'm gonna really I'm

484
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: gonna keep my eyes out and if I see anything untoward,

485
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,000
Speaker 1: I am going to confront and make a citizen's arrest

486
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:05,240
Speaker 1: incredible well, Nila continues regarding what I incorporated post podcast.

487
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,240
Speaker 1: I am ecstatic to update you that I'm entering this

488
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:12,359
Speaker 1: new year debt free, and even more importantly, free of

489
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,920
Speaker 1: the financial stress and anxiety that I had been crippled

490
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,960
Speaker 1: with around the time we spoke. For me, you cannot

491
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 1: put a price on your own well being, and having

492
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,240
Speaker 1: that back has meant more to me than any other

493
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:25,280
Speaker 1: job or career ever could. I'm juggling a couple of

494
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,159
Speaker 1: different jobs right now, two different waitering jobs as well

495
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,679
Speaker 1: as some part time personal assistant work, which I am enjoying.

496
00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:33,680
Speaker 1: But now I have my proverbial ducts in a row financially,

497
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 1: I'm ready and eager to start exploring some new opportunities

498
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:39,440
Speaker 1: that ideally don't involve fake smiling and laughing at leam

499
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,439
Speaker 1: jokes so I can get that twenty percent tit. I

500
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,760
Speaker 1: think the biggest takeaway from speaking with all of you

501
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,560
Speaker 1: at Dear Chelsea was the boost to my self esteem

502
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,560
Speaker 1: and helping to see my capabilities and potential way beyond

503
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,240
Speaker 1: how I identified my worth in the caliber or lack

504
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,240
Speaker 1: thereof whatever job I was doing, be it helping to

505
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,920
Speaker 1: save lives through my work in suicide prevention or referring

506
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,080
Speaker 1: to myself as us to waiter. So with this new mindset,

507
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:04,200
Speaker 1: I'm very excited to get out there into a new

508
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,640
Speaker 1: world of professional opportunities. He goes on to say he's

509
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 1: looking for more work as a PA and in administrative roles,

510
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,720
Speaker 1: and with this change of mentality, the future looks really bright.

511
00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:17,960
Speaker 1: Thank you so much again for everything. The two of

512
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 1: your podcasts continue to remain a bright spot in my week.

513
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:24,919
Speaker 1: All my love, Nile. Oh, thank you Nile. I'm so glad.

514
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that all worked out. I know, I

515
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,919
Speaker 1: thought that was really good. We got a lot of

516
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:35,160
Speaker 1: responses about him and just like encouragement for him, so

517
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,439
Speaker 1: I wanted to fill everybody in. He's doing great and

518
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,679
Speaker 1: he's in New York and looking for PA work, so

519
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,000
Speaker 1: you know, let me know if you need a help her.

520
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,240
Speaker 1: Have a couple more updates. We have one about Brian

521
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:50,160
Speaker 1: who was love bombed. This is not from Brian, although

522
00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:53,720
Speaker 1: I did talk to Brian. He had reached out to

523
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,359
Speaker 1: this ex boyfriend again to say like, hey, I called

524
00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:01,080
Speaker 1: into this show. So he didn't highly take her advice

525
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:04,199
Speaker 1: of just like cut off communication. But I thought That

526
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:06,680
Speaker 1: was very interesting because it's sort of like he's asking

527
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:10,359
Speaker 1: permission from this guy he's getting advice about. I wondered

528
00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:13,000
Speaker 1: about your thoughts about that he called him before he

529
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:17,199
Speaker 1: called us, no, after he called us, I was like, Brian,

530
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:23,040
Speaker 1: so this is from someone who had a really similar situation. Hi,

531
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,880
Speaker 1: Chelsea and Catherine, I'm listening to this week's episode where

532
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 1: Brian called in about having been broken up with after

533
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,120
Speaker 1: one month and possibly loved bombed by his Tinder date.

534
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:33,800
Speaker 1: The advice you both gave him was stellar, and I

535
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,280
Speaker 1: only have one quick anecdote of my own to add.

536
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,280
Speaker 1: A while back, I also met the most amazing man

537
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,640
Speaker 1: and we fell madly in love within a month's time,

538
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,439
Speaker 1: only to have him break up with me at the

539
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,680
Speaker 1: end of the month due to some health concerns and

540
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,879
Speaker 1: his extended family, or so he said. It seemed like

541
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:52,000
Speaker 1: valid excuses, and I let him go gracefully, but doing

542
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:55,119
Speaker 1: so almost broke my heart. We felt so perfect together.

543
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,359
Speaker 1: Five weeks after the breakup, he basically did a version

544
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,119
Speaker 1: of what Chelsea dramatized on the podcast, which was to

545
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:05,160
Speaker 1: contact me a text, and when I didn't answer, he called,

546
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 1: saying I'm his entire world, he wants to get back

547
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:11,040
Speaker 1: with me. What ensued after that was more than eighteen

548
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:15,639
Speaker 1: months of seemingly total bliss. We were absolutely, disgustingly in

549
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:18,480
Speaker 1: love and crazy about each other. I won't go into detail,

550
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 1: but after almost two years, he slowly started to pull away,

551
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,000
Speaker 1: just like he had the first month we had met.

552
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:25,959
Speaker 1: It took me a while to catch on that he

553
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,399
Speaker 1: was disengaging again, but when I did, I confronted him,

554
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,040
Speaker 1: and again his excuses for being a bad boyfriend were

555
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 1: sort of valid WorkStress, new job, health concerns, but this

556
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,360
Speaker 1: time I was out. I bowed out gracefully and explained

557
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:41,679
Speaker 1: that regardless of the why, this time, this is just

558
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,399
Speaker 1: not how you treat a person that you say you

559
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,760
Speaker 1: love and want to spend your life with. I blocked

560
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,040
Speaker 1: him from my life after that. What I mostly want

561
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,600
Speaker 1: to say is that sometimes even if they come back,

562
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,919
Speaker 1: trust what they show you the first time. People follow

563
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,359
Speaker 1: patterns usually, and you're better off that he broke up

564
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,080
Speaker 1: with you sooner than later. Best of luck to you, Brian.

565
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:04,680
Speaker 1: Interesting eighteen months together and then he does the same thing. Yeah,

566
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:07,280
Speaker 1: And I mean, obviously she had a good experience during

567
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 1: those eighteen months, but it's also like it's a long time.

568
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,240
Speaker 1: It's a long time, and it's time that you're wasting

569
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:17,200
Speaker 1: being with somebody who's not really your person. You know, Yeah,

570
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,120
Speaker 1: that's hard. I guess the lesson is if someone shows you,

571
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:21,960
Speaker 1: you know, if they pull that crap after a month

572
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,879
Speaker 1: and disappear or disengage, then that's it. That's all you

573
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:28,479
Speaker 1: need to see. Absolutely, So thank you guys for writing

574
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:33,080
Speaker 1: in and so last month we introduced a new segment

575
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:36,600
Speaker 1: sponsored by Better Help. It's called calling In Backup, and

576
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,320
Speaker 1: we want to thank our partners at Better Help for

577
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 1: sponsoring the segment. Today we're again joined by David Yaddish,

578
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:45,880
Speaker 1: who is a licensed therapist and clinical operations manager at

579
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 1: Better Help. So to our listeners, we're doing this thing

580
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,640
Speaker 1: with Better Help where they're going to have a counselor

581
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:56,480
Speaker 1: on who has actual counseling certification and credentials. And Catherine,

582
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:59,840
Speaker 1: you've selected a couple of write ins right exactly. These

583
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,960
Speaker 1: next few segments are going to be some trickier questions,

584
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 1: some more difficult questions, and I thought it would be

585
00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:10,600
Speaker 1: good to have David's help. Okay, Chelsea, I have sort

586
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:14,240
Speaker 1: of a multipart question. She says dear Chelsea. My name

587
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,240
Speaker 1: is Chelsea and I am a twenty nine year old

588
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:19,640
Speaker 1: counselor professional. I currently work at a low income high

589
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:23,560
Speaker 1: school and find my job extremely fulfilling yet very taxing

590
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 1: on my own mental health. As I'm sure you're well aware,

591
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:28,560
Speaker 1: the needs of our adolescence are so high, and I

592
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,920
Speaker 1: can't help but feel worn down myself. I honestly can't

593
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 1: imagine doing anything else but school counseling due to its

594
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 1: rewarding nature. But when I go home, I have nothing

595
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 1: left to give my partner. I've been at my school

596
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:42,640
Speaker 1: for the past five years, and my own mental health

597
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 1: has deteriorated trying to keep up with the needs and

598
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,080
Speaker 1: demands of the job. I've taken all the necessary steps

599
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,800
Speaker 1: to take care of myself. I've been in therapy for years,

600
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,640
Speaker 1: I exercise regularly, eat healthy, and do my best to

601
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 1: focus on self care. However, I'm looking to start a

602
00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:58,760
Speaker 1: family soon and I'm not sure if my career is

603
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:02,000
Speaker 1: going to be sustainable. My questions for you are twofold

604
00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 1: One if I should stay in a field that needs me.

605
00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:09,160
Speaker 1: Two your advice on repayment of my student loans. Because

606
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,360
Speaker 1: I work in a low income school, I qualify for

607
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 1: Federal Public Service Loan forgiveness program. The stipulations under this

608
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,959
Speaker 1: program include that you have to make one hundred and

609
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:21,200
Speaker 1: twenty consecutive payments, so basically ten years of monthly payments

610
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,760
Speaker 1: working at a low income school. After making one hundred

611
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,840
Speaker 1: and twenty payments, your student loan debt will be forgiven.

612
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:31,520
Speaker 1: I currently have seventy eight thousand dollars worth of student

613
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 1: loan debt and it feels crippling. I have about eight

614
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,680
Speaker 1: years left until they will supposedly be paid off. The

615
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:40,440
Speaker 1: problem is I can't guarantee I'll be at my school

616
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:43,360
Speaker 1: for the next eight years because of how hard it is.

617
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 1: I don't know how much longer I can work in

618
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:48,480
Speaker 1: a field that takes so much of myself. Do I

619
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,960
Speaker 1: put my mental health first and have a career change,

620
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,200
Speaker 1: or do I stay at a school where I'm extremely

621
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:56,760
Speaker 1: valued and continue to use my gifts, or do I

622
00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,520
Speaker 1: focus on finding my own inner peace and balance. Thank

623
00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:03,840
Speaker 1: you for your time and helping me weigh my options. Sincerely,

624
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:07,520
Speaker 1: a burnt out counselor m Okay, Dave, let's let you

625
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:10,400
Speaker 1: go first on this one. Absolutely so, this is something

626
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,400
Speaker 1: that's very close to my own heart because when I

627
00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:16,360
Speaker 1: first started and graduated, I worked in community mental health

628
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:20,960
Speaker 1: myself for seven years. It is taxing, it can be grueling.

629
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,320
Speaker 1: It can lead to so much compassion, fatigue, and burnout.

630
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:26,880
Speaker 1: And the first thing I want to say about that

631
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 1: is therapists are needed everywhere. Like you can't pour from

632
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,720
Speaker 1: an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself

633
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:34,040
Speaker 1: and you have to do the things that are right

634
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,720
Speaker 1: for you, and whether that means staying in a job

635
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,720
Speaker 1: that you love and you feel you're really getting a

636
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,360
Speaker 1: lot for or moving to something that's a little bit

637
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:45,320
Speaker 1: different that feels more rejuvenating or feels more engaging. At

638
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:48,440
Speaker 1: the moment, you know there's benefit to both of those options,

639
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 1: but you have to care for yourself. It's such a

640
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:55,120
Speaker 1: ruling feel to be with people, especially younger people that

641
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 1: are struggling with so much in society right now. You

642
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 1: have to give yourself some self care. Yeah. I wonder

643
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:04,520
Speaker 1: also if there's a lateral move here. I don't know

644
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:06,600
Speaker 1: what the parameters are, but maybe you could still qualify

645
00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:09,320
Speaker 1: for this loan forgiveness program if you went to a

646
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:13,760
Speaker 1: different location or some other way where you're still doing therapy.

647
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 1: In a way that qualifies for this loan forgiveness, but

648
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:20,160
Speaker 1: isn't maybe as hard as what you're doing right now.

649
00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:23,560
Speaker 1: It'll probably be hard anywhere you go right in this field,

650
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,600
Speaker 1: but it will be a different kind of hard. So

651
00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:28,800
Speaker 1: a couple of other thoughts that come up as well.

652
00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:31,360
Speaker 1: You know, I had a mentor who said, you know where,

653
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,040
Speaker 1: you're going through a tough time, and specifically she was

654
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:36,520
Speaker 1: referring to in times of grief. But I think there

655
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,719
Speaker 1: is a certain amount of emotional heaviness that goes with

656
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:42,320
Speaker 1: your job that this applies to that as well. And

657
00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: something she always would say is triple your self care

658
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,640
Speaker 1: during times like that. So it sounds like you're already

659
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,360
Speaker 1: doing a lot, but if there's anything else you can do,

660
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,520
Speaker 1: maybe it's adding massage, maybe it's adding more sleep. Anywhere

661
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 1: that you can find some restoration, some self soothing and

662
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:01,120
Speaker 1: some self care think is going to be really helpful

663
00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:04,360
Speaker 1: for you. And the other thing is maybe you need

664
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:08,360
Speaker 1: a sabbatical, especially when you're in such a tough role,

665
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:12,360
Speaker 1: taking some time where maybe you're just taking an overall break.

666
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,360
Speaker 1: Maybe it's six months, maybe it's a year, if you

667
00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:16,920
Speaker 1: can afford to do that, or do something else for

668
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:19,600
Speaker 1: the time being so that you can restore yourself so

669
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:22,520
Speaker 1: you can fill up your own cup. If it's possible,

670
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,040
Speaker 1: Maybe that's something that you can do, and maybe during

671
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 1: that time you do start your family, but that way

672
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:32,400
Speaker 1: you're not saddled with both of those responsibilities at the

673
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:36,000
Speaker 1: same time of starting your family and dealing with everybody

674
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:39,800
Speaker 1: else's stuff. That could be an option as well, depending

675
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:43,240
Speaker 1: on the parameters of this loan forgiveness and to that end,

676
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:47,440
Speaker 1: maybe there's even a lateral move within your school. Potentially

677
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: you could move to part time or even part time

678
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:52,680
Speaker 1: in the role that you're in and doing part time

679
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,400
Speaker 1: with something else. But talk to your higher ups and

680
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,520
Speaker 1: see if there's something else that could be a good

681
00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:01,520
Speaker 1: fit for you while you're still fulfilling your role in

682
00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 1: your obligations. But maybe all of your day doesn't need

683
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 1: to be spent, you know, with this sort of trauma

684
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,960
Speaker 1: dumping that therapists go through. Yeah, I would just prioritize

685
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:14,000
Speaker 1: your mental health because again, you can't help anybody when

686
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:17,600
Speaker 1: you're just unempty. Absolutely, and also because she's, you know,

687
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:21,080
Speaker 1: planning on starting a family, I think you also have

688
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:23,839
Speaker 1: to take into consideration that that will also be an

689
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 1: additional drain on your energy and taxing to you, so

690
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:31,440
Speaker 1: you're potentially taking on even more. Might not be a

691
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:33,359
Speaker 1: good fit to stay there anymore. What do you think

692
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:36,799
Speaker 1: about the monetary component to that, David. So that's a

693
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,000
Speaker 1: tough one because I participated in the student loan forgiveness

694
00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:43,279
Speaker 1: myself for quite some time, and at some point it

695
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:45,239
Speaker 1: it got to that point where I just had to

696
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 1: kind of make the next step that was right for me.

697
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:50,600
Speaker 1: But like you said, there are a ton of lateral moves.

698
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:54,360
Speaker 1: There are so many spaces in community mental health in

699
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:58,480
Speaker 1: the public school system that are just so open for

700
00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:00,920
Speaker 1: any support that they can get. And if that's what

701
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:03,520
Speaker 1: where you feel called and that's where it feels good

702
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,960
Speaker 1: for you, there's places to go. And if it's not

703
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:09,640
Speaker 1: right here, it's somewhere else. Great, anything else we want

704
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:11,759
Speaker 1: to say about that one? Or do we feel we

705
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:16,200
Speaker 1: feel good about it? Yeah? I feel good about that awesome, great,

706
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:20,080
Speaker 1: well burnt out counselor, You've gotten a couple of different

707
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,440
Speaker 1: pieces of advice, So let us know what you decide

708
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,120
Speaker 1: to do and let us know what you name your baby.

709
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:30,600
Speaker 1: Thank you again to calling it in backups Sponsor Better Help,

710
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:33,040
Speaker 1: and of course of David Yadash, who is a licensed

711
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:37,720
Speaker 1: therapist and clinical operations manager at Better Help. Great, Well, Chelsea,

712
00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 1: we're going to take a quick break and we'll be

713
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:50,520
Speaker 1: right back with some callers. Okay, and we're back and well.

714
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:55,440
Speaker 1: Our first question comes from LB Dear Chelsea, I'm a

715
00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:57,640
Speaker 1: thirty four year old female and after taking a two

716
00:35:57,719 --> 00:36:00,359
Speaker 1: year break from dating for a multitude of reasons, I'm

717
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:03,160
Speaker 1: ready to jump back in. I know that online dating

718
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,160
Speaker 1: is probably my best bet to break out of my

719
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:09,080
Speaker 1: bubble and meet someone new. Here's the catch. I've suffered

720
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,400
Speaker 1: from trick otilamania since college. If you don't know what

721
00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:16,319
Speaker 1: this is, it's a compulsive, body focused repetitive behavior where

722
00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:19,279
Speaker 1: I pull hair from my head and eyebrows. I've been

723
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 1: in therapy for it for well what feels like forever,

724
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:25,440
Speaker 1: and have recently gotten my trick under control. My hair

725
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 1: pulling became pretty extreme around five ish years ago, and

726
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:31,400
Speaker 1: I began wearing wigs to cover the damage I had

727
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,719
Speaker 1: done to my quote natural hair. After getting shamed and

728
00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:37,160
Speaker 1: laughed at for wearing terrible wigs while going out, I

729
00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:39,480
Speaker 1: finally coughed up the money for a real lace front

730
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:43,400
Speaker 1: and listen. It looked good, maybe too good. Fast forward

731
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:46,000
Speaker 1: to now, my natural hair has grown out, and I'm

732
00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:48,359
Speaker 1: actually pretty proud of the way it looks. I'm still

733
00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:50,920
Speaker 1: embarrassed of my hairline where the pulling was the worst,

734
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:52,920
Speaker 1: and I'm not sure I'm ready to wear my natural

735
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:55,839
Speaker 1: hair out in public. All that's to say, I would

736
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 1: assume if I were dating someone, they would see me

737
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:01,239
Speaker 1: in my natural element quite often. So here's my predicament.

738
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:04,080
Speaker 1: All of my photos on social media and the way

739
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,880
Speaker 1: I present myself on the daily is wearing my beautiful wig.

740
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:09,560
Speaker 1: At what point during the dating process do I need

741
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,240
Speaker 1: to disclose that I wear a wig to my potential partner?

742
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:14,920
Speaker 1: Do I need to tell them why. I don't want

743
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:17,840
Speaker 1: to seem like I'm catfishing or presenting a false pretense

744
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,360
Speaker 1: for how I actually look to a potential partner. But

745
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,400
Speaker 1: I also don't want to trauma dump on someone and

746
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,880
Speaker 1: give them too much information before actually meeting in person. Also,

747
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,240
Speaker 1: if you have any advice on how to eventually shed

748
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:31,000
Speaker 1: this thing and gain confidence in my new self and

749
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:35,920
Speaker 1: stop ahem, wigging out, I'd greatly appreciate that too. Thanks

750
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:39,799
Speaker 1: Chelsea lb lb okay, I thought this was a really

751
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:42,080
Speaker 1: good question. I actually had a friend who had this

752
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:45,920
Speaker 1: years ago, and sheafa love and happiness. So there's hope

753
00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:48,839
Speaker 1: for our friend here. I mean, I think that it's

754
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,480
Speaker 1: not front loaningg it, but it's disclosing it at an

755
00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:54,839
Speaker 1: appropriate time. You know. It's like you could tell someone, oh,

756
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 1: by the way, I wear a wig, it's for medical

757
00:37:57,239 --> 00:38:00,080
Speaker 1: reasons and not even getting into what they are. If

758
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:01,360
Speaker 1: you want to let them know, like if you're going

759
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:04,200
Speaker 1: to be intimate and they're going to find out, then

760
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:06,400
Speaker 1: frontload it that way. Don't frontload it like it's the

761
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,600
Speaker 1: first thing that you tell somebody that you're meeting online.

762
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 1: It's not necessary. Once you meet in person and there's

763
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:14,200
Speaker 1: some chemistry and there's some sort of investment on either's behalf,

764
00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:16,320
Speaker 1: then I think you can say, oh, I wear a wig.

765
00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:18,799
Speaker 1: I can explain it to you further down the road

766
00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:21,239
Speaker 1: if we continue seeing each other, I'll explain it to you.

767
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,600
Speaker 1: But it's not anything you need to know about right now.

768
00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:26,279
Speaker 1: I just want to let you know so there's no surprises,

769
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,160
Speaker 1: because I think physical stuff like that, you know, you

770
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:33,640
Speaker 1: want someone to be forthright, forthcoming. I think, yeah, I agree,

771
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:35,720
Speaker 1: I think you know. I don't think it's a before

772
00:38:35,719 --> 00:38:37,640
Speaker 1: you meet them thing. I think it's like several dates

773
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:39,480
Speaker 1: in when you actually feel like you want to get

774
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:42,120
Speaker 1: to know this person more. If there's gonna be hair

775
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,319
Speaker 1: pulling and stuff like that in bed, obviously they need

776
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:46,759
Speaker 1: to know. But it's not the sort of thing I

777
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:49,480
Speaker 1: think you need to mention on a first date or

778
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 1: maybe even a second Like if you get to date

779
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 1: three and you're like, I actually do want to keep

780
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,799
Speaker 1: seeing this person, then maybe that's the time to mention it.

781
00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:58,680
Speaker 1: And I think Chelsea's right, just sort of a casual

782
00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:01,800
Speaker 1: mention of like, hey, I wear this for medical reasons.

783
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,399
Speaker 1: I like the way it looks. Maybe it's just even that,

784
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:06,520
Speaker 1: like I really like the way it looks. And as

785
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:10,719
Speaker 1: far as getting back to your natural hair, I would

786
00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:15,000
Speaker 1: say absolutely unlista stylus. That's kind of obvious, but maybe

787
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:18,399
Speaker 1: start with like a short crop and see how you

788
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:21,319
Speaker 1: like that so you don't feel like the burden is

789
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 1: on your hair to look full and luxurious. There are

790
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,160
Speaker 1: so many like pixie cuts and even kind of longer

791
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:31,560
Speaker 1: pixie cuts right now that are just super cute and

792
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:33,680
Speaker 1: you'll be able to give it like a lot of

793
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,640
Speaker 1: body so that it looks fantastic and you don't have

794
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,520
Speaker 1: to worry about any like stringiness or old growth that's

795
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 1: not quite as full as what's shorter and what's grown

796
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:45,399
Speaker 1: back in. And also for hair growth, there's a lot

797
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 1: of product out there, and I personally used this thing

798
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 1: called harklinikin Hark Lincoln. I can't say it's it's I mean,

799
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:54,680
Speaker 1: I think it's a few hundred dollars, but they have

800
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,640
Speaker 1: solutions for hair growth and you apply it to your

801
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:00,200
Speaker 1: hair all the time. I've used it for over year

802
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:03,239
Speaker 1: now and it helps my hair become thicker. So look

803
00:40:03,239 --> 00:40:07,080
Speaker 1: into that. It's h A r K and then Hark Lincoln,

804
00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:11,200
Speaker 1: Hark Lincoln, Hark Lincoln in I can never fucking does.

805
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:14,879
Speaker 1: Start googling Hark and hair and maybe you'll find also

806
00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:17,040
Speaker 1: there's tons of hair and vitamin pills. I'm sure you're

807
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:20,640
Speaker 1: already taking those. They have gummies, all that stuff. But

808
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:23,000
Speaker 1: sometimes like a refresh on your hair can be a

809
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,760
Speaker 1: good thing. Like I know a family friend of mine

810
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:28,920
Speaker 1: she lost all her hair with chemotherapy and it came

811
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:32,040
Speaker 1: back in like super cute and wavy. She was always

812
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:34,839
Speaker 1: someone who had there's a very specific hairstyle, and now

813
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:37,120
Speaker 1: she's got like a sweet cute pixy cut, and she

814
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:41,040
Speaker 1: looks incredible with short hair, so don't be afraid to

815
00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:46,879
Speaker 1: go short well. Our next question is a coller. This

816
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:51,279
Speaker 1: question comes from Jay Dear Chelsea. I'm twenty five years

817
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:53,640
Speaker 1: old and i live half the time in an adorable

818
00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:56,400
Speaker 1: apartment with a good friend from college, and half the

819
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:59,200
Speaker 1: time at my thirty year old boyfriend's house. We've been

820
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:02,440
Speaker 1: dating for over three years. I'm very independent and value

821
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:04,920
Speaker 1: my space and alone time, so I've enjoyed this arrangement

822
00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:08,640
Speaker 1: of splitting time between my place and his. However, I'm

823
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,640
Speaker 1: starting to feel ready for the next step, moving in together.

824
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:14,560
Speaker 1: I love many things about my boyfriend, but what I

825
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:17,399
Speaker 1: don't love is his cleaning habits. I'm not a neat

826
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:21,040
Speaker 1: freak by any means, but his kitchen in particular gets

827
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:23,720
Speaker 1: really gross. He has a habit of letting things pile

828
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:26,160
Speaker 1: up for a long time and then having a binge

829
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:28,759
Speaker 1: clean all at once that takes several hours, if not

830
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,799
Speaker 1: all day. I've had several talks with him throughout the

831
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:34,480
Speaker 1: years about how my mental health is really affected by

832
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,839
Speaker 1: my environment and the degree of MESSI accumulates gives me

833
00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:41,120
Speaker 1: intense anxiety. At times, I've tried to encourage him to

834
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:43,040
Speaker 1: do just a little bit of cleaning on a consistent

835
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:45,480
Speaker 1: basis so it's not so stressful and doesn't take him

836
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 1: as long When he does get to it. There are

837
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,120
Speaker 1: times I can see he's making a conscious effort to

838
00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:52,960
Speaker 1: make sure I'm comfortable, but it's still not consistent, and

839
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:56,760
Speaker 1: it always inevitably piles up again. He owns a business

840
00:41:56,800 --> 00:42:00,120
Speaker 1: which is very difficult and time consuming, and he has ADHD,

841
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:02,799
Speaker 1: which I know contributes to his habits, so I start

842
00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:05,120
Speaker 1: to feel like the bad guy when I continually confront

843
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,480
Speaker 1: him about it. Additionally, his house is quite small and

844
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 1: he has a lot of stuff. He says he would

845
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:12,880
Speaker 1: make room for me, but I just can't imagine how

846
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:14,960
Speaker 1: there would be any space for me in my life

847
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:18,120
Speaker 1: if I were to move in. I fantasized about getting

848
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:20,440
Speaker 1: a bigger house that would be hours together, where we

849
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:23,040
Speaker 1: could start fresh. But he owns this house, and I

850
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:24,960
Speaker 1: know there's a lot of renovation he wants to do

851
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:28,080
Speaker 1: before he would be ready to sell. I'm also very

852
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:30,879
Speaker 1: averse to renovation. While I'm living in the space, I'm

853
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,680
Speaker 1: starting to feel like there's no good path forward, but

854
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:35,840
Speaker 1: I don't want to end the relationship over something that

855
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:40,600
Speaker 1: seems like it should be fixable. Thanks in advance, Jay,

856
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 1: Hi Jay, Oh my gosh, Hi, thank you guy. I'm

857
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,520
Speaker 1: so excited but also pretty nervous. Oh, you're going to

858
00:42:48,600 --> 00:42:51,799
Speaker 1: do great, Jay. You guys have been together? How long

859
00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:54,880
Speaker 1: did you say? About three and a half years? Coming

860
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:59,719
Speaker 1: up on that? Huh? So I used to be like

861
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 1: this too. I just didn't know how to do dishes,

862
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,439
Speaker 1: quite frankly, because somebody always did them for me, whether

863
00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:06,880
Speaker 1: it was my childhood growing up in my family, or

864
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:09,919
Speaker 1: my mom or you know, my housekeeper now. But now

865
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,480
Speaker 1: when I'm in Whistler, I on it because I'm the

866
00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:15,880
Speaker 1: only one here most of the time. And it's not

867
00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:18,200
Speaker 1: that hard to get into the habit of just washing

868
00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:20,600
Speaker 1: your dishes after you use them or putting them in

869
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:23,360
Speaker 1: the dishwasher after you use them. You can create that

870
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 1: new habit fairly quickly. So if it's this is such

871
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,560
Speaker 1: amounted for you, first of all, you shouldn't move into

872
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:32,040
Speaker 1: his house until you sort this out, because you're gonna

873
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,440
Speaker 1: if you have anxiety from dishes, you're gonna have it.

874
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:37,760
Speaker 1: What is his response to you when you talk about

875
00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:40,319
Speaker 1: the dishes and how have you broached it with him?

876
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:46,399
Speaker 1: So I try to be communicative about it, but it's

877
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:50,000
Speaker 1: very hard for me to express how I feel without

878
00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:53,279
Speaker 1: getting emotional, which I understand. It is kind of my

879
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:56,919
Speaker 1: red flag. So when I do get upset about it,

880
00:43:57,000 --> 00:44:01,919
Speaker 1: he usually will like jump into action right then, But

881
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:07,840
Speaker 1: it's not like a consistent priority for himself, and he

882
00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:11,240
Speaker 1: can't seem to like get into those good habits and

883
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:17,200
Speaker 1: make his own space good for his mental health, right, Okay,

884
00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 1: And you get emotional when you talk about the dishes. Yeah,

885
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:28,240
Speaker 1: just like my environment I think impacts my mind state.

886
00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:31,440
Speaker 1: Growing up was kind of in a little bit of

887
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:34,560
Speaker 1: a chaotic household. So as I've gotten out of that

888
00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:39,400
Speaker 1: house and on my own, it's become more freeing for

889
00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:44,480
Speaker 1: me to keep my space cleansed and organized and everything. Well,

890
00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:47,239
Speaker 1: it sounds like you're really good on your own without

891
00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:50,200
Speaker 1: the influence of that. It sounds like you don't want

892
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,440
Speaker 1: to live with someone, even though you may think you do,

893
00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 1: because if those are the circumstances that he brings to

894
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:57,960
Speaker 1: the table, and you can't accept that and you need

895
00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:00,600
Speaker 1: it to change, Like I don't know how that's going

896
00:45:00,640 --> 00:45:03,000
Speaker 1: to be helpful for you to be living in that environment.

897
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:06,319
Speaker 1: You're obviously like having a sense of control over the

898
00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:08,840
Speaker 1: hygiene of your place, and the only way to maintain

899
00:45:08,880 --> 00:45:11,400
Speaker 1: that integrity, based on what you're telling us about your boyfriend,

900
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:14,719
Speaker 1: is for you to continue living in separate places, right.

901
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:17,239
Speaker 1: I mean, you can only explain to him so much

902
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:19,479
Speaker 1: what you need if he's not willing to do it,

903
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:21,560
Speaker 1: and you're not willing to get over it, Like you

904
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:24,520
Speaker 1: can either let it go and come to peace with it,

905
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,440
Speaker 1: or become at peace with it, or he has to change,

906
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:29,680
Speaker 1: And it doesn't sound like either two of those things

907
00:45:29,719 --> 00:45:33,160
Speaker 1: are likely. Yeah, I feel like part of it is.

908
00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:37,400
Speaker 1: My only other long term relationship was also three and

909
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:41,799
Speaker 1: a half years, So I think I'm feeling this like

910
00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:45,439
Speaker 1: internal pressure to kind of figure things out and ask

911
00:45:45,520 --> 00:45:48,359
Speaker 1: the big questions like can I actually live with him?

912
00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:52,640
Speaker 1: So that's where a lot of the pressure is coming

913
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:55,480
Speaker 1: from right now. Yeah, I mean, because if you could

914
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:57,000
Speaker 1: move into a new place, you could set up a

915
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:59,719
Speaker 1: new dynamic, right, and that's your place together. But if

916
00:45:59,719 --> 00:46:02,640
Speaker 1: it's his place, these are his habits, it's unlikely that

917
00:46:02,680 --> 00:46:05,520
Speaker 1: they're going to change when you move in unless you're

918
00:46:05,560 --> 00:46:09,160
Speaker 1: able to communicate to him how important it is to you,

919
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:12,560
Speaker 1: maybe without being emotional, you know what I mean, because

920
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:15,520
Speaker 1: it's that's an unfair pressure that that adds to the situation,

921
00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:18,719
Speaker 1: especially when we're talking about dishes. It doesn't have to

922
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:21,560
Speaker 1: go there. It's just something that makes you feel safe

923
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:25,560
Speaker 1: and comfortable, is a clean house and having a really normal,

924
00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:28,520
Speaker 1: loving conversation about that with him, that you do want

925
00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:31,160
Speaker 1: to move forward in this relationship, that you are eager

926
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:33,600
Speaker 1: to see where this is going. But these are the

927
00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:36,680
Speaker 1: things that are kind of making you uneasy. And I mean,

928
00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:38,680
Speaker 1: if it's said in the right way and in the

929
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:42,359
Speaker 1: right tone, I just can't imagine that he wouldn't be able.

930
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:45,000
Speaker 1: It's not It doesn't have to be you yelling at

931
00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:48,120
Speaker 1: him or bickering or picking him apart. It doesn't have

932
00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:50,560
Speaker 1: to have that tone. It can be about why it's

933
00:46:50,600 --> 00:46:53,480
Speaker 1: important for you, not what's wrong with him or why

934
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:57,719
Speaker 1: he's not doing it right. Yeah, And part of why

935
00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:01,000
Speaker 1: I do get emotional, I feel as it seems like

936
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:04,160
Speaker 1: it's always I'm the one wanting him to work on

937
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,839
Speaker 1: something or change something and be better, and he never

938
00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:10,960
Speaker 1: really has a bad thing to say about what I'm doing,

939
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:15,520
Speaker 1: so I get hesitant to even like bring it up. Yeah,

940
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:18,000
Speaker 1: but you can't because communication is everything, and if you're

941
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:20,680
Speaker 1: not communicating, then then you're just you're not doing any

942
00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:23,640
Speaker 1: favors to yourself by holding this in or by having

943
00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:26,040
Speaker 1: all these feelings. It's an issue for you, and it

944
00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:28,760
Speaker 1: just has to be about your issues when you're discussing

945
00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:31,080
Speaker 1: it with him, it's not about him. It's like I

946
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:35,480
Speaker 1: want to feel safe. He wants you to move in, right, yeah, yeah,

947
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:38,040
Speaker 1: And so have you said anything at all about the

948
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:43,200
Speaker 1: dish situation and moving in? Yeah, even just yesterday. Because

949
00:47:43,239 --> 00:47:45,560
Speaker 1: I stay with him on the weekends and on Sunday,

950
00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:48,719
Speaker 1: I kind of feel like motivated to get cleaned up

951
00:47:48,719 --> 00:47:51,360
Speaker 1: and stuff. So I've tried to make that a habit

952
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:55,040
Speaker 1: for us to do together and like I'll help him

953
00:47:55,040 --> 00:47:59,399
Speaker 1: out a little bit. And I expressed like, I just

954
00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:03,440
Speaker 1: don't know how I'll ever be able to live with you,

955
00:48:03,480 --> 00:48:06,120
Speaker 1: Like it doesn't feel like there's space for me. And

956
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:09,839
Speaker 1: he said, I want you to move in whenever you

957
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:13,320
Speaker 1: feel ready, but it sounds like you don't think I'm ready,

958
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:19,360
Speaker 1: and I was like, yes, I mean with specifically the

959
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:23,600
Speaker 1: dishes issue, I think that when something like that is

960
00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:26,920
Speaker 1: not getting done on a consistent basis, there's a missing system.

961
00:48:27,480 --> 00:48:29,359
Speaker 1: So if there's a way for you to like take

962
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:31,479
Speaker 1: emotion out of it and just be like, Okay, what's

963
00:48:31,520 --> 00:48:34,040
Speaker 1: the system that's broken? Here? Is it they're not getting

964
00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:36,960
Speaker 1: done every night before he goes to bed or whatever

965
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,200
Speaker 1: the case may be, Helping him work that into his

966
00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:42,720
Speaker 1: routine might be really helpful. But also, if you guys

967
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:44,759
Speaker 1: do move in together, you're both going to be a

968
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:46,920
Speaker 1: part of that space, so like it does need to

969
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:50,719
Speaker 1: be kept clean for your sanity. And I think if

970
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:53,839
Speaker 1: he's a person who likes to binge chores, maybe he's

971
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:56,160
Speaker 1: the guy who does the laundry and he cooks and

972
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:58,360
Speaker 1: you do the dishes. You know, maybe that's something that

973
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:01,200
Speaker 1: you figure out like who does what and put the

974
00:49:01,239 --> 00:49:03,320
Speaker 1: system in place. So it's like great, I know, I

975
00:49:03,360 --> 00:49:05,239
Speaker 1: don't have to worry about this anymore because it's my

976
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 1: space too, and he's doing these other things that are

977
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:12,000
Speaker 1: a little more like binge able and work to his strengths.

978
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:15,480
Speaker 1: But I do agree, like it's really tricky to try

979
00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:18,920
Speaker 1: and move into their space, especially if things aren't getting

980
00:49:18,920 --> 00:49:22,719
Speaker 1: purged that are taking up the entire spot answer me this,

981
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:24,919
Speaker 1: are you in a position that, like you guys could

982
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:31,160
Speaker 1: buy a place together. I fantasize about that, and I

983
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:34,760
Speaker 1: think that, you know, if he were to sell his house,

984
00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:38,239
Speaker 1: it could be possible. But it seems like he's kind

985
00:49:38,320 --> 00:49:42,080
Speaker 1: of solid in this house for a while. There's a

986
00:49:42,120 --> 00:49:44,560
Speaker 1: lot of changes he wants to make, and he has

987
00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:47,759
Speaker 1: a whole workshop set up in the basement. I have

988
00:49:47,840 --> 00:49:50,920
Speaker 1: a feeling that if he is someone who is not

989
00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:53,200
Speaker 1: getting the dishes on in a consistent basis, and he

990
00:49:53,239 --> 00:49:56,240
Speaker 1: has ADHD. As someone with ADHD, he will not finish

991
00:49:56,239 --> 00:49:58,080
Speaker 1: projects that he starts in his house if he's planning

992
00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 1: on doing them himself. If you do you really want

993
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:02,360
Speaker 1: to move in with him, you gotta nippet in the

994
00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:05,279
Speaker 1: bud and be like, you know what, these are never

995
00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:08,279
Speaker 1: going to get done, or let's hire someone to get

996
00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:10,960
Speaker 1: them done by a year from now, six months from now,

997
00:50:11,040 --> 00:50:13,520
Speaker 1: whatever the case may be, like put a time limit

998
00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:16,520
Speaker 1: on it. I mean, I have a friend who has

999
00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:20,080
Speaker 1: been renovating the only bathroom in his home for two years.

1000
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:23,480
Speaker 1: He is a man in his forties who has to

1001
00:50:23,520 --> 00:50:26,000
Speaker 1: bathe in the bath every single time. He wants to

1002
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:28,680
Speaker 1: clean himself as well as his wife and children, because

1003
00:50:28,680 --> 00:50:31,359
Speaker 1: his bathroom is not finished. Like, there are certain people

1004
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:32,880
Speaker 1: who are going to at finishing projects, and there are

1005
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:34,560
Speaker 1: a certain people who are going to starting projects, and

1006
00:50:34,560 --> 00:50:37,560
Speaker 1: people with ADHD are amazing at starting projects but not

1007
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:40,239
Speaker 1: always finishing them. So I think you got to put

1008
00:50:40,239 --> 00:50:43,080
Speaker 1: some time limits. I will say it's not like just

1009
00:50:43,239 --> 00:50:46,719
Speaker 1: the dishes, because I can be guilty of that too, sure,

1010
00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:50,520
Speaker 1: but it's as simple as food trash. Just put it

1011
00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:55,320
Speaker 1: in the trash can instead of on the counter. Also,

1012
00:50:56,080 --> 00:51:00,000
Speaker 1: his bathrooms are actually not bad SOPs to him. Yeah,

1013
00:50:59,440 --> 00:51:02,640
Speaker 1: I like, how are the bathrooms and she's that they're

1014
00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:06,480
Speaker 1: they're pretty clean, so there's help. But another thing is

1015
00:51:06,560 --> 00:51:10,719
Speaker 1: like his driveway. He has like a junk driveway, one

1016
00:51:10,760 --> 00:51:13,759
Speaker 1: of those houses that you drive by and you're like,

1017
00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:18,080
Speaker 1: that's a lot of crap. Yeah, I mean Chelsea, I

1018
00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:20,399
Speaker 1: think she's you guys have to get a place that's

1019
00:51:20,400 --> 00:51:22,960
Speaker 1: yours together, even if it's renting for a little while.

1020
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:25,480
Speaker 1: I think if this is gonna work, it has to

1021
00:51:25,480 --> 00:51:27,440
Speaker 1: be both here. It's hard to go into someone else's

1022
00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:31,160
Speaker 1: place and set up new rules or systems. As Catherine

1023
00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:33,279
Speaker 1: put it, which I think is accurate. All of these

1024
00:51:33,320 --> 00:51:35,160
Speaker 1: things are just going to start to annoy you even

1025
00:51:35,200 --> 00:51:38,040
Speaker 1: more than they already do, Like you're already irked by them,

1026
00:51:38,200 --> 00:51:40,440
Speaker 1: and like, listen, you have a choice to be bothered

1027
00:51:40,480 --> 00:51:42,440
Speaker 1: by it or not be bothered by it, but you

1028
00:51:42,440 --> 00:51:45,080
Speaker 1: are bothered by it, right. It may not seem like

1029
00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:47,160
Speaker 1: a choice to you, but it is like you could

1030
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:49,319
Speaker 1: be able to overlook it if you really wanted to,

1031
00:51:49,560 --> 00:51:51,520
Speaker 1: but you're just like, no, this is important to me,

1032
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:55,160
Speaker 1: and by the virtue of its importance to you, it

1033
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:58,040
Speaker 1: should be important to him too. And it just sounds

1034
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:00,520
Speaker 1: like everything you're describing it is going to drive you crazy.

1035
00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:02,800
Speaker 1: So you I don't think that it's a smart decision

1036
00:52:02,840 --> 00:52:04,719
Speaker 1: to move into his place. I mean, I'm not saying

1037
00:52:04,719 --> 00:52:06,279
Speaker 1: to break up with him, but I think you got

1038
00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:08,520
Speaker 1: to have something where you're meeting in the middle. Like,

1039
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:10,160
Speaker 1: you know, if you move into a place together, you

1040
00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:13,360
Speaker 1: can set the tone about what's going to happen. Dish wise,

1041
00:52:13,440 --> 00:52:15,400
Speaker 1: And it's not a hard habit to just get into

1042
00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:18,640
Speaker 1: putting your dishes in the dishwasher after you eat food.

1043
00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:21,640
Speaker 1: It actually feels really good to take care of that

1044
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:24,400
Speaker 1: stuff in real time. From somebody who didn't used to

1045
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:26,640
Speaker 1: know how to do that stuff like not know how,

1046
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:28,399
Speaker 1: but I would just was like, oh fuck it. There

1047
00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:30,440
Speaker 1: was always you know, dishes in the sink. Somebody will

1048
00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:33,879
Speaker 1: get it, not me, And it's like, oh no, it's

1049
00:52:33,960 --> 00:52:35,920
Speaker 1: kind of nice to do it yourself and be like

1050
00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:39,799
Speaker 1: an adult not a baby. Yeah, this stuff can go

1051
00:52:39,840 --> 00:52:43,120
Speaker 1: into nagging territory so quickly, and I think you have

1052
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:45,000
Speaker 1: the seed of what is going to help, which is like,

1053
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:47,680
Speaker 1: assuming you guys do move in together, there can be

1054
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:51,279
Speaker 1: cues that are not nagging. So it's like, great, dinner's over,

1055
00:52:51,440 --> 00:52:53,279
Speaker 1: let's hop up and do the dishes, and you do

1056
00:52:53,320 --> 00:52:55,680
Speaker 1: it together. It takes five minutes, you know that sort

1057
00:52:55,680 --> 00:52:59,080
Speaker 1: of thing. Having cues for like this just happened, now

1058
00:52:59,120 --> 00:53:02,440
Speaker 1: this has to happen is very good for an ADHD brain.

1059
00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:05,640
Speaker 1: And having cues rather than it being like why didn't

1060
00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:07,359
Speaker 1: you do the dishes last night? Like those are very

1061
00:53:07,400 --> 00:53:10,920
Speaker 1: different things, you know. Yeah. I think definitely getting to

1062
00:53:11,000 --> 00:53:15,200
Speaker 1: like a clean slate where we can just join forces

1063
00:53:15,239 --> 00:53:18,400
Speaker 1: and make it like new systems. Does he come to

1064
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:21,880
Speaker 1: your house at all? Does he spend time at yours? Rarely?

1065
00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:25,840
Speaker 1: Because he also has two dogs and my roommate my

1066
00:53:25,880 --> 00:53:30,880
Speaker 1: apartment has a cat so it's just a lot yeah right, Yeah,

1067
00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:33,720
Speaker 1: And are you feeling like this might be your guy,

1068
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:37,239
Speaker 1: this is your person? Yeah? Yeah, then I think if

1069
00:53:37,239 --> 00:53:39,239
Speaker 1: that's the case, then I really think it would be

1070
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:43,120
Speaker 1: prudent to wait and do something together and be very

1071
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:45,959
Speaker 1: honest about it, you know, in a non emotional way,

1072
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:47,759
Speaker 1: like I really want to be with you, but these

1073
00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:49,440
Speaker 1: things just really irk me, and I don't want to

1074
00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:51,120
Speaker 1: put us in a dynamic where I'm going to start

1075
00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:53,719
Speaker 1: to really resent you and not want to be in

1076
00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:56,040
Speaker 1: this relationship right now. I want to be in this relationship,

1077
00:53:56,080 --> 00:53:58,839
Speaker 1: but I think there's room for improvement. And that's not

1078
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:01,640
Speaker 1: just for him, that's room for your acceptance of him.

1079
00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:04,000
Speaker 1: So you guys can meet in the middle. He can

1080
00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:08,520
Speaker 1: move a little and you can also move a little. Yeah, okay,

1081
00:54:09,480 --> 00:54:11,800
Speaker 1: Like there could be rules, you know, if it's food

1082
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:14,040
Speaker 1: on a plate, a plate can be in the sink,

1083
00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:15,680
Speaker 1: but it can't have food on it. You at least

1084
00:54:15,719 --> 00:54:18,080
Speaker 1: have to wipe the food off, you know, and rinse

1085
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:20,719
Speaker 1: it out, rinse it out. You know, that's less of

1086
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:23,320
Speaker 1: an affront than looking into a sink filled with dirty

1087
00:54:23,480 --> 00:54:27,239
Speaker 1: silverware and all of that stuff. Yes, agreed, So yeah,

1088
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,839
Speaker 1: I mean there's room for compromise, but I definitely think

1089
00:54:29,880 --> 00:54:32,080
Speaker 1: you just have to frontload all of this, be very honest.

1090
00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:35,279
Speaker 1: You'll be amazed at what like real honesty yields, you know,

1091
00:54:35,440 --> 00:54:38,360
Speaker 1: especially from the other person. It's a good practice to

1092
00:54:38,360 --> 00:54:41,399
Speaker 1: get into for your whole relationship and any other relationships

1093
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:45,720
Speaker 1: in your life. Definitely, well, keep us posted, Jay, I'm

1094
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:48,400
Speaker 1: interested to see one and if you guys move in together.

1095
00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:51,800
Speaker 1: But yeah, I think there's a big conversation coming about,

1096
00:54:51,840 --> 00:54:54,480
Speaker 1: like it should be a different space, like a new

1097
00:54:54,560 --> 00:54:57,080
Speaker 1: space that's a clean slate and no dead cars in

1098
00:54:57,120 --> 00:55:04,160
Speaker 1: the driveway. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, Well, good

1099
00:55:04,239 --> 00:55:07,040
Speaker 1: luck with everything, Jay. I'll see you on the Little

1100
00:55:07,080 --> 00:55:10,120
Speaker 1: Big Bitch Tour. Okay, I'll see you. Which city are

1101
00:55:10,160 --> 00:55:15,640
Speaker 1: you coming to? Probably Eachattanooga, Oh, Tennessee. Okay, I'll see

1102
00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:20,960
Speaker 1: you there, Jay. All right, good luck by They'll get

1103
00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:23,080
Speaker 1: it figured out. I think I think she's right. I

1104
00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:25,839
Speaker 1: think that problem is very fixable. It just it's gonna

1105
00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:30,840
Speaker 1: take some communication and some some solves, some fixes. Yeah,

1106
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:32,960
Speaker 1: I mean, people can influence each other. Like when I

1107
00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:35,319
Speaker 1: dated Joe Ky, he made the bed every morning, even

1108
00:55:35,320 --> 00:55:37,239
Speaker 1: though like I have a housekeeper in my house. Even

1109
00:55:37,239 --> 00:55:39,200
Speaker 1: when we were in hotels, he would make the bed

1110
00:55:39,239 --> 00:55:41,680
Speaker 1: every morning, And now I make the bed every morning

1111
00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:44,080
Speaker 1: because I'm just like, that's nice. I'm gonna do that too.

1112
00:55:44,440 --> 00:55:48,480
Speaker 1: It just feels like an adult thing to do. It

1113
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:51,239
Speaker 1: does help set your day out, even regardless of whether

1114
00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:53,200
Speaker 1: your bed is getting made or not. It's like, it's

1115
00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:55,759
Speaker 1: good to do that for yourself. It is, it is.

1116
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:58,399
Speaker 1: I think for me this sort of thing changed during

1117
00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:01,240
Speaker 1: the pandemic of like make in my bed every day,

1118
00:56:01,560 --> 00:56:03,880
Speaker 1: making sure every dish is done every night, you know,

1119
00:56:03,960 --> 00:56:06,279
Speaker 1: for the most part, just because I was like, this

1120
00:56:06,360 --> 00:56:08,560
Speaker 1: is the only space where we're in. I used to

1121
00:56:08,600 --> 00:56:10,919
Speaker 1: be much more like, you know, we wouldn't say day's

1122
00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:14,120
Speaker 1: worth of dishes in the sink. But being trapped in

1123
00:56:14,200 --> 00:56:17,480
Speaker 1: one space all the time definitely helped me like get

1124
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:20,920
Speaker 1: into routines of like every night, everything is clean before

1125
00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:23,319
Speaker 1: I go to bed. But they'll get it figured out.

1126
00:56:23,440 --> 00:56:25,279
Speaker 1: I think they will. I think it also helps her

1127
00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:27,600
Speaker 1: boyfriends a little older than her two because she's twenty

1128
00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:31,960
Speaker 1: five and he's thirty, so he's at a place where

1129
00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:39,080
Speaker 1: he should be doing the dishes every night. Our next

1130
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:44,160
Speaker 1: call comes from Dana, Dear Chelsea. I'm currently listening to

1131
00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:47,040
Speaker 1: your podcast with Psychic Media Laurel and Jackson, and I

1132
00:56:47,080 --> 00:56:50,080
Speaker 1: feel so strongly compelled to write in and ask for

1133
00:56:50,120 --> 00:56:52,759
Speaker 1: your advice. My husband and I have been married for

1134
00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:56,360
Speaker 1: almost seventeen years. He has two wonderful children from a

1135
00:56:56,400 --> 00:56:59,440
Speaker 1: previous marriage, and we have a fifteen year old son together.

1136
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:03,200
Speaker 1: I've been in my stepchildren's lives since they were seven

1137
00:57:03,360 --> 00:57:06,319
Speaker 1: and four, so I know them well and I love

1138
00:57:06,360 --> 00:57:09,799
Speaker 1: them very much. My stepdaughter and I have grown very

1139
00:57:09,840 --> 00:57:12,560
Speaker 1: close over the years. She's now twenty three years old.

1140
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:15,919
Speaker 1: My stepson is twenty seven years old, and we've given

1141
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:18,720
Speaker 1: him even more attention and focus than my stepdaughter throughout

1142
00:57:18,760 --> 00:57:22,439
Speaker 1: his life. Although he's never been missed or personality. Over

1143
00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:26,440
Speaker 1: the last few years, my stepson has been acting increasingly strange.

1144
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:29,560
Speaker 1: I can't put it into words, but even my husband

1145
00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:32,480
Speaker 1: and mother in law say that he's strange. I, on

1146
00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,840
Speaker 1: the other hand, have grown more and more uncomfortable around

1147
00:57:34,960 --> 00:57:37,600
Speaker 1: him and feel such bad energy when he's around. Ooh.

1148
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:41,080
Speaker 1: It's not just a negative energy, but something more that

1149
00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:44,280
Speaker 1: my gut and intuition won't let go of. It's reached

1150
00:57:44,360 --> 00:57:46,240
Speaker 1: the point where I don't trust him and I feel

1151
00:57:46,240 --> 00:57:48,280
Speaker 1: that my younger child is not safe around him for

1152
00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:51,640
Speaker 1: some reason. I have no actual, real evidence of this,

1153
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:54,320
Speaker 1: but I can't shake off this feeling of bad energy,

1154
00:57:54,720 --> 00:57:57,160
Speaker 1: and I'm almost starting to feel anxious and afraid when

1155
00:57:57,160 --> 00:57:59,560
Speaker 1: he's around. I'm not wondering how to get rid of

1156
00:57:59,560 --> 00:58:01,880
Speaker 1: these saws because they have been so pervasive that I

1157
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:04,160
Speaker 1: feel like I need to pay attention to them. Do

1158
00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:06,120
Speaker 1: you have any advice as to what I should do?

1159
00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:08,920
Speaker 1: Thank you for being a light in my life, always

1160
00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:12,240
Speaker 1: making me laugh, and for being a beautiful, smart, unapologetic

1161
00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:17,280
Speaker 1: and badass a woman. Love you, Dana, Hi, Dana, Hi,

1162
00:58:17,400 --> 00:58:22,360
Speaker 1: Dana Hi? Hi? How are you hi? Okay? So he's

1163
00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:24,800
Speaker 1: twenty seven, so he's an adult. So how often is

1164
00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:29,120
Speaker 1: he around you? Guys? He doesn't live with you, guys? No, No, lately,

1165
00:58:29,760 --> 00:58:33,480
Speaker 1: much less. When he was younger, almost all the time,

1166
00:58:33,600 --> 00:58:37,040
Speaker 1: there was no restriction on, you know, when he could visit.

1167
00:58:37,480 --> 00:58:40,040
Speaker 1: As he got older, you know, you get busier. But

1168
00:58:40,280 --> 00:58:44,400
Speaker 1: now it's almost like he is acting more and more strange.

1169
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:48,560
Speaker 1: So I don't know. So the more that happens, the

1170
00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:53,320
Speaker 1: less we're seeing him. So do you have any sort

1171
00:58:53,320 --> 00:58:56,200
Speaker 1: of descriptors for this type of strange. Is it like

1172
00:58:56,480 --> 00:59:01,280
Speaker 1: he's angry? Is it awkwardness? Like, what does that feel like? Exactly?

1173
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:04,320
Speaker 1: It's that it's all of that. And then the reason

1174
00:59:04,400 --> 00:59:07,720
Speaker 1: I said trusting my gutes is because I feel like

1175
00:59:07,760 --> 00:59:10,880
Speaker 1: there's something more and I don't know if I should

1176
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:14,640
Speaker 1: be careful about it or you know what I mean.

1177
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:17,200
Speaker 1: I just don't know what it is. That there's just

1178
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:21,520
Speaker 1: something else, and you know, I need to protect my child.

1179
00:59:22,800 --> 00:59:27,000
Speaker 1: Of course, absolutely, No, they've known each other obviously. I've

1180
00:59:27,040 --> 00:59:29,200
Speaker 1: known him since he's a little boy, since he's seven

1181
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:33,160
Speaker 1: years old. He's never been like mister personality. But now

1182
00:59:33,240 --> 00:59:37,520
Speaker 1: it's just it's reached a point where even my husband

1183
00:59:37,560 --> 00:59:42,480
Speaker 1: acknowledges that there's something strange going on. So I don't

1184
00:59:42,480 --> 00:59:44,360
Speaker 1: really know what to do with that. With I guess

1185
00:59:44,360 --> 00:59:47,400
Speaker 1: the intuition, Yeah, well, I think you're always have to

1186
00:59:47,400 --> 00:59:51,400
Speaker 1: trust your intuition. That's mother's intuition, female intuition, like that's

1187
00:59:51,520 --> 00:59:55,760
Speaker 1: kind of inarguable. That's your priority as your child, and

1188
00:59:55,920 --> 00:59:58,280
Speaker 1: this guy is an adult, so he's not in your

1189
00:59:58,280 --> 01:00:01,320
Speaker 1: life that much, you know, And you know, it doesn't

1190
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:04,080
Speaker 1: even matter what it matters how it makes you feel, right,

1191
01:00:04,120 --> 01:00:06,680
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what the behavior is. It just matters

1192
01:00:06,680 --> 01:00:10,440
Speaker 1: that your spidy senses are kind of up, and I

1193
01:00:10,480 --> 01:00:12,720
Speaker 1: think you have to have an honest conversation with your

1194
01:00:12,760 --> 01:00:15,360
Speaker 1: husband about the boundaries that you want to create and

1195
01:00:15,520 --> 01:00:17,720
Speaker 1: explain to him that, like, you're not just going to

1196
01:00:17,760 --> 01:00:20,000
Speaker 1: take a chance something doesn't sit right with you, and

1197
01:00:20,120 --> 01:00:22,880
Speaker 1: you're not going to ignore that feeling and that you

1198
01:00:23,000 --> 01:00:25,840
Speaker 1: have to behave in the best interests of your younger

1199
01:00:25,960 --> 01:00:29,320
Speaker 1: child or children. Sorry, you said you have two children, right.

1200
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:33,080
Speaker 1: I have a stepdaughter, so she's younger. Also her I've

1201
01:00:33,080 --> 01:00:37,440
Speaker 1: known her her whole life. But my son's fifteen, okay,

1202
01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:41,720
Speaker 1: and my stepdaughter is great, Like, she's amazing. She's so different,

1203
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:48,080
Speaker 1: very ambitious, very smart, very hard working, you know, always

1204
01:00:48,760 --> 01:00:53,400
Speaker 1: wants to be around and very open and talkative. I

1205
01:00:53,480 --> 01:00:56,600
Speaker 1: totally agree with Chelsea. I think you absolutely must listen

1206
01:00:56,680 --> 01:00:59,160
Speaker 1: to your gut. And maybe that's not saying he's never

1207
01:00:59,200 --> 01:01:02,000
Speaker 1: allowed in my home, but maybe that's like anytime he's

1208
01:01:02,000 --> 01:01:04,200
Speaker 1: in my home, I'm in the room when he's with

1209
01:01:04,400 --> 01:01:08,800
Speaker 1: my younger son. Like, I think that is absolutely totally

1210
01:01:08,840 --> 01:01:11,280
Speaker 1: fine to have a role for yourself with that or

1211
01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:14,160
Speaker 1: that your husband's in the room or whatever, because your

1212
01:01:14,200 --> 01:01:16,800
Speaker 1: gut is telling you this for a reason, Like if

1213
01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:19,760
Speaker 1: those spidy senses are absolutely there for a reason, are

1214
01:01:19,800 --> 01:01:21,920
Speaker 1: there any sort of behaviors you can point to? I mean,

1215
01:01:22,000 --> 01:01:24,160
Speaker 1: is it like he's hurting animals or is there any

1216
01:01:24,240 --> 01:01:26,520
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff or is it more like he's

1217
01:01:26,600 --> 01:01:31,040
Speaker 1: very reclusive and yeah, he's becoming a lot more awkward.

1218
01:01:31,400 --> 01:01:34,240
Speaker 1: He won't even to ask like can I talk to

1219
01:01:34,280 --> 01:01:39,160
Speaker 1: you about this behavior or this He's just don't say anything.

1220
01:01:39,440 --> 01:01:43,520
Speaker 1: They'll be like nope, again, I don't want to say

1221
01:01:43,600 --> 01:01:45,720
Speaker 1: that this is what I think it might be. But

1222
01:01:46,000 --> 01:01:48,800
Speaker 1: he's a little touchy feely with my son and even

1223
01:01:48,800 --> 01:01:52,160
Speaker 1: in front, and I know now as my son's getting older,

1224
01:01:52,520 --> 01:01:55,640
Speaker 1: he doesn't like that stuff. So the other and like

1225
01:01:55,760 --> 01:01:58,880
Speaker 1: he was he had his hand around his waist rather

1226
01:01:58,960 --> 01:02:03,000
Speaker 1: than like his show, which I well. I think it's

1227
01:02:03,000 --> 01:02:05,360
Speaker 1: also important to have your husband have a conversation with

1228
01:02:05,400 --> 01:02:08,920
Speaker 1: his son about possibly talking to someone like a professional,

1229
01:02:09,440 --> 01:02:12,000
Speaker 1: and you know, have it be between them, like listen,

1230
01:02:12,040 --> 01:02:15,040
Speaker 1: you're not comfortable and it's not your You don't have

1231
01:02:15,080 --> 01:02:17,040
Speaker 1: the responsibility that you have to talk to him. He's

1232
01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:19,000
Speaker 1: got a father who can say like listen. I think

1233
01:02:19,000 --> 01:02:21,840
Speaker 1: it's important that you sit down with somebody and see

1234
01:02:21,880 --> 01:02:24,360
Speaker 1: if there's an avenue there to pursue, like see if

1235
01:02:24,400 --> 01:02:28,560
Speaker 1: he's amenable to that, you know, or open to doing that,

1236
01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:30,840
Speaker 1: even if it was like group therapy or something that

1237
01:02:30,920 --> 01:02:34,400
Speaker 1: seemed bless you know, I'm sure he might be resistant,

1238
01:02:34,560 --> 01:02:38,120
Speaker 1: but you should definitely open the conversation. And of course

1239
01:02:38,720 --> 01:02:41,120
Speaker 1: you have to relay this to your husband and let

1240
01:02:41,200 --> 01:02:42,840
Speaker 1: him know that, like you have to set up some

1241
01:02:42,920 --> 01:02:45,760
Speaker 1: boundaries for the safety of your child, that your child

1242
01:02:45,800 --> 01:02:48,160
Speaker 1: feels it and you feel it, like that's it, that's

1243
01:02:48,160 --> 01:02:51,400
Speaker 1: all that you need, you know, agreed. I think you know.

1244
01:02:51,480 --> 01:02:53,800
Speaker 1: And maybe it's even like father and son go to

1245
01:02:53,840 --> 01:02:56,840
Speaker 1: a family therapy possessions, you know, like the two of

1246
01:02:56,880 --> 01:02:58,800
Speaker 1: them going together to be able to talk some of

1247
01:02:58,840 --> 01:03:01,360
Speaker 1: this stuff out. But I think there's also a conversation

1248
01:03:01,360 --> 01:03:04,000
Speaker 1: to have with your younger son about like, if anything

1249
01:03:04,040 --> 01:03:06,440
Speaker 1: happens that makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to let

1250
01:03:06,440 --> 01:03:09,080
Speaker 1: me know. Also it's okay to say like I'm not

1251
01:03:09,080 --> 01:03:13,160
Speaker 1: comfortable with that, empowering him to have that language as well,

1252
01:03:13,200 --> 01:03:16,400
Speaker 1: you know, if there's too much touchy feeliness, Yeah, that

1253
01:03:16,520 --> 01:03:22,240
Speaker 1: sounds great. It's really like my husband's call because again

1254
01:03:22,280 --> 01:03:24,520
Speaker 1: he has a mother, he has a father, and maybe

1255
01:03:24,520 --> 01:03:26,440
Speaker 1: it's your husband saying he wants to go into therapy

1256
01:03:26,480 --> 01:03:29,680
Speaker 1: with his kids. Maybe he can reframe it, like your

1257
01:03:29,720 --> 01:03:32,520
Speaker 1: stepdaughter and him and the stepson. Maybe they all go

1258
01:03:32,560 --> 01:03:36,000
Speaker 1: together to kind of make it a different dynamic so

1259
01:03:36,040 --> 01:03:39,760
Speaker 1: he doesn't feel like he's being attacked or targeted or something.

1260
01:03:39,800 --> 01:03:42,040
Speaker 1: You know that it's more of a family affair in

1261
01:03:42,080 --> 01:03:44,120
Speaker 1: the name of the safety for the rest of the family.

1262
01:03:44,200 --> 01:03:47,640
Speaker 1: Like obviously, if you ignore something and people's behavior escalate

1263
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:51,640
Speaker 1: and escalate, it's always headed in a bad direction. When

1264
01:03:51,800 --> 01:03:55,280
Speaker 1: people become reclusive and they become isolated and all of

1265
01:03:55,320 --> 01:03:59,600
Speaker 1: those things like those are red flags, and to ignore

1266
01:03:59,600 --> 01:04:03,160
Speaker 1: it a disservice to him, Like you're not helping him

1267
01:04:03,160 --> 01:04:05,720
Speaker 1: at all by ignoring it, and his father's not helping

1268
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:09,120
Speaker 1: him by ignoring it. So something has to happen. You know,

1269
01:04:09,600 --> 01:04:12,320
Speaker 1: if you watch any of these shows about true crime

1270
01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:15,360
Speaker 1: and stuff, it's just like always leading up to this.

1271
01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:19,440
Speaker 1: You see this behavior and it's worth calling out and

1272
01:04:19,560 --> 01:04:23,280
Speaker 1: addressing before things get carried away, because even though it's

1273
01:04:23,320 --> 01:04:28,240
Speaker 1: not your responsibility, it's part of your life, right And

1274
01:04:28,320 --> 01:04:31,080
Speaker 1: does he have a job. He does, but he's like

1275
01:04:31,120 --> 01:04:34,760
Speaker 1: in a retail job. But he's not ambitious. And it's

1276
01:04:34,800 --> 01:04:38,600
Speaker 1: just so weird because my husband's got a great job.

1277
01:04:38,800 --> 01:04:43,120
Speaker 1: My stepdaughter just finished school and she's she's so driven

1278
01:04:43,520 --> 01:04:46,280
Speaker 1: and ambitious and she's going to be a professional. He

1279
01:04:46,360 --> 01:04:49,720
Speaker 1: has like great role models in his life, but it's

1280
01:04:49,840 --> 01:04:54,200
Speaker 1: in him. He's not driven, he's awkward, he's an escalating.

1281
01:04:54,560 --> 01:04:56,760
Speaker 1: It's just trusting my gut. Like I said, it won't

1282
01:04:57,120 --> 01:05:02,680
Speaker 1: go away, So I really do want to do something. Yeah, well,

1283
01:05:02,680 --> 01:05:05,960
Speaker 1: he sounds depressed also, so like your husband can bring

1284
01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:07,480
Speaker 1: it that up. I mean, if you want to make

1285
01:05:07,480 --> 01:05:09,040
Speaker 1: it a direct thing and not a family thing, it

1286
01:05:09,120 --> 01:05:11,600
Speaker 1: can be. We're concerned. You know, you seem very depressed,

1287
01:05:12,000 --> 01:05:15,160
Speaker 1: like you're not acting normal, You're not acting like yourself.

1288
01:05:15,760 --> 01:05:18,680
Speaker 1: So yeah, but you should definitely put up some boundaries

1289
01:05:18,680 --> 01:05:21,440
Speaker 1: and make sure that you're protected, that your son is protected,

1290
01:05:21,560 --> 01:05:24,760
Speaker 1: that nobody's alone with him, you know, including you. You

1291
01:05:24,760 --> 01:05:28,200
Speaker 1: shouldn't be alone with him either. Good point. Yeah, and

1292
01:05:28,280 --> 01:05:30,920
Speaker 1: you know, maybe also just to like make sure everything

1293
01:05:31,200 --> 01:05:33,479
Speaker 1: up to this point has been okay for your son,

1294
01:05:33,880 --> 01:05:35,640
Speaker 1: maybe having him go to a couple of sessions with

1295
01:05:35,680 --> 01:05:38,200
Speaker 1: a counselor too, just to you know, just to clear

1296
01:05:38,240 --> 01:05:41,360
Speaker 1: the air, make sure everything's going all right with him. Yeah,

1297
01:05:41,200 --> 01:05:44,440
Speaker 1: he actually does some one himself. So I can have

1298
01:05:44,520 --> 01:05:47,160
Speaker 1: him address that and say, like what does he think

1299
01:05:47,280 --> 01:05:51,440
Speaker 1: of his behavior in the last few years. Yeah, and

1300
01:05:51,800 --> 01:05:54,600
Speaker 1: how your son feels about it too, you know, like

1301
01:05:55,040 --> 01:05:57,880
Speaker 1: is he feeling uncomfortable? You know, maybe the therapist can

1302
01:05:57,880 --> 01:06:00,320
Speaker 1: help give him some language for that as well, for

1303
01:06:00,560 --> 01:06:04,240
Speaker 1: when uncomfortable situations do arise, and making sure that your

1304
01:06:04,280 --> 01:06:06,960
Speaker 1: son doesn't end up alone with him on his own volition,

1305
01:06:07,080 --> 01:06:09,600
Speaker 1: like that they're not making plans without you that you

1306
01:06:09,640 --> 01:06:13,840
Speaker 1: don't know about, you know, yes, right, right, right, yeah, okay,

1307
01:06:14,200 --> 01:06:16,560
Speaker 1: all right, So just but do address it. You have

1308
01:06:16,600 --> 01:06:19,400
Speaker 1: to address it. Don't leave it, because that could be

1309
01:06:19,480 --> 01:06:22,000
Speaker 1: a dangerous person, you know what I mean. You don't

1310
01:06:22,040 --> 01:06:23,800
Speaker 1: know what he's doing in his private time and his

1311
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:26,840
Speaker 1: private life. Definitely address it because we need more people

1312
01:06:26,880 --> 01:06:29,800
Speaker 1: to say things, you know, when when stuff like this

1313
01:06:29,520 --> 01:06:33,480
Speaker 1: is around us, right, like my like my mother in law,

1314
01:06:33,560 --> 01:06:37,080
Speaker 1: his grandmother, she's even saying, you know, like I don't

1315
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:39,520
Speaker 1: know what he does in his life. Nobody really knows,

1316
01:06:39,520 --> 01:06:43,040
Speaker 1: Like his own mother. He's so defensive and secretive, and

1317
01:06:44,200 --> 01:06:46,160
Speaker 1: I don't want to pry. I just want him to

1318
01:06:46,320 --> 01:06:50,080
Speaker 1: like start I want to feel safe. Yeah, and and

1319
01:06:50,760 --> 01:06:53,280
Speaker 1: like you started to help him too, if you start

1320
01:06:53,280 --> 01:06:59,560
Speaker 1: acting like less defensive and less weird. Yeah, so well, Dana, um,

1321
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:01,960
Speaker 1: keep us posted. I know this is like a pretty

1322
01:07:01,960 --> 01:07:04,919
Speaker 1: tricky situation, but yeah, let us know what you guys

1323
01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:08,240
Speaker 1: decide to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's not an incident,

1324
01:07:08,360 --> 01:07:11,960
Speaker 1: it's like an ongoing yeah yeah, but just you know

1325
01:07:12,120 --> 01:07:14,720
Speaker 1: that your instinct and you can relay this to your husband, like,

1326
01:07:14,800 --> 01:07:17,840
Speaker 1: it's not negotiable. This is your child. It's the most

1327
01:07:17,880 --> 01:07:20,080
Speaker 1: important thing in the world to you. You're not willing

1328
01:07:20,080 --> 01:07:22,400
Speaker 1: to negotiate on this. This is a big issue. It's

1329
01:07:22,400 --> 01:07:24,880
Speaker 1: been bothering you for some time, and you have to

1330
01:07:24,880 --> 01:07:27,720
Speaker 1: trust yourself because God forbid anything happened to your son,

1331
01:07:27,760 --> 01:07:30,960
Speaker 1: you would never forgive yourself. No, no, no, because it's

1332
01:07:31,000 --> 01:07:35,160
Speaker 1: also pervasive thought. It's like yes, I'm sure, I'm sure,

1333
01:07:35,240 --> 01:07:38,080
Speaker 1: And you can get yourself some ease, you know too,

1334
01:07:38,160 --> 01:07:42,200
Speaker 1: by having open conversations about it, not around it about it.

1335
01:07:42,720 --> 01:07:46,200
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, that's very good point. So we've been

1336
01:07:46,280 --> 01:07:49,320
Speaker 1: doing okay, good, good, Okay, We'll definitely keep us posted.

1337
01:07:49,400 --> 01:07:53,960
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling. I love you too, honey. Thanks

1338
01:07:54,040 --> 01:07:58,440
Speaker 1: Dana so much. I mean, honestly, like that is the

1339
01:07:58,440 --> 01:08:00,760
Speaker 1: best advice we can give to any woman, is like,

1340
01:08:00,840 --> 01:08:04,840
Speaker 1: if something feels off, it is it is off. Yes, absolutely,

1341
01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:07,720
Speaker 1: Intuition is everything and we need to trust it. It's

1342
01:08:07,720 --> 01:08:10,840
Speaker 1: a knowing. We all have it, and you know what

1343
01:08:10,960 --> 01:08:13,760
Speaker 1: you feel, it's like in your stomach. Lately, it's in

1344
01:08:13,760 --> 01:08:16,360
Speaker 1: your stomach. You bring up true crime. Like our last

1345
01:08:16,360 --> 01:08:18,680
Speaker 1: apartment that we were in, there was this couple that

1346
01:08:18,760 --> 01:08:22,000
Speaker 1: lived below us, and they were like maybe in their fifties.

1347
01:08:22,000 --> 01:08:23,599
Speaker 1: So you don't think like that's going to be so

1348
01:08:24,040 --> 01:08:26,760
Speaker 1: dramatic or whatever, but this couple in their fifties, they

1349
01:08:26,760 --> 01:08:31,960
Speaker 1: would have these horrible, nasty fights and they were usually verbal,

1350
01:08:32,560 --> 01:08:35,439
Speaker 1: but it escalated during the pandemic when they're like stuck

1351
01:08:35,439 --> 01:08:38,720
Speaker 1: at home together and I would say to Brad, I'm like,

1352
01:08:38,960 --> 01:08:40,920
Speaker 1: he's going to hurt her, he's going to kill her,

1353
01:08:40,960 --> 01:08:42,680
Speaker 1: partially because he would say I'm gonna kill you. I'm

1354
01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:45,479
Speaker 1: gonna kill you. And I told myself, these thoughts are

1355
01:08:45,479 --> 01:08:47,879
Speaker 1: coming up for me, like he's saying these horrible things

1356
01:08:48,000 --> 01:08:50,559
Speaker 1: and like he's threatening her, he's gonna do it, And

1357
01:08:50,640 --> 01:08:52,639
Speaker 1: I thought, you know, I just watched too much true crime.

1358
01:08:52,680 --> 01:08:56,120
Speaker 1: I just listened too many true crime podcasts, And sure enough,

1359
01:08:57,080 --> 01:09:00,760
Speaker 1: a couple of years ago, he attempted to kill her

1360
01:09:00,800 --> 01:09:04,880
Speaker 1: and then he killed himself, and she thankfully survived and

1361
01:09:05,400 --> 01:09:09,559
Speaker 1: is doing well now, and he did not. But I

1362
01:09:09,600 --> 01:09:11,840
Speaker 1: was just, you know, I had this overwhelming feeling, and

1363
01:09:11,840 --> 01:09:14,800
Speaker 1: we call the police several times, being like, this is happening.

1364
01:09:15,120 --> 01:09:17,240
Speaker 1: Of course, they came too late to do anything about

1365
01:09:17,240 --> 01:09:21,080
Speaker 1: it anytime that it was happening. But just trust your gut, like,

1366
01:09:21,200 --> 01:09:23,960
Speaker 1: don't convince yourself. Your gut is just you're making too

1367
01:09:23,960 --> 01:09:26,479
Speaker 1: big of a deal about it, Like put safeguards there

1368
01:09:26,479 --> 01:09:29,200
Speaker 1: for yourself whenever you can. I was watching that My

1369
01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:32,599
Speaker 1: Lovers was My Killer thing on Netflix. That's a true

1370
01:09:32,600 --> 01:09:34,880
Speaker 1: crime thing about people, you know, who got into really

1371
01:09:34,920 --> 01:09:39,160
Speaker 1: controlling relationships with men who eventually murdered them. And women

1372
01:09:39,200 --> 01:09:41,439
Speaker 1: did it too, but obviously not at such a high rate.

1373
01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:44,360
Speaker 1: But it's like, all the signs lead to the same

1374
01:09:44,439 --> 01:09:48,599
Speaker 1: fucking thing. The controlling behavior, the phone, isolating you from

1375
01:09:48,600 --> 01:09:51,400
Speaker 1: your family, you're not talking to your parents anymore, you

1376
01:09:51,479 --> 01:09:53,240
Speaker 1: move away from your friends, you're not allowed to go

1377
01:09:53,320 --> 01:09:55,800
Speaker 1: out with your friends, and then the abuse starts and

1378
01:09:55,840 --> 01:09:58,400
Speaker 1: then the abuse escalates and then they fucking kill you.

1379
01:09:58,680 --> 01:10:02,240
Speaker 1: It's always lead to the same shit. There's no one

1380
01:10:02,280 --> 01:10:05,160
Speaker 1: that's controlling that just gets over it that all of

1381
01:10:05,200 --> 01:10:07,559
Speaker 1: a sudden has come to Jesus and it's like, oh,

1382
01:10:07,640 --> 01:10:10,760
Speaker 1: you know what, this is toxic. It always goes down

1383
01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:15,360
Speaker 1: a very controlling line of behavior. It always escalates. It's

1384
01:10:15,600 --> 01:10:18,680
Speaker 1: we're going to de escalate without like extreme intervention, or

1385
01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:21,120
Speaker 1: you get yourself out of the situation. You know, you

1386
01:10:21,520 --> 01:10:25,320
Speaker 1: leave the situation. Well, let's take a quick break and

1387
01:10:25,320 --> 01:10:34,160
Speaker 1: we'll be right back to wrap up and we're back. Well, Chelsea,

1388
01:10:34,439 --> 01:10:36,479
Speaker 1: I have a question that I could ask you for

1389
01:10:36,560 --> 01:10:40,200
Speaker 1: advice about teenagers. My sweet Niees, she and my other

1390
01:10:40,280 --> 01:10:42,200
Speaker 1: niece are coming to visit in a couple of weeks,

1391
01:10:42,280 --> 01:10:45,599
Speaker 1: and since you're a great auntie who has nieces visiting

1392
01:10:45,680 --> 01:10:49,240
Speaker 1: all the time, my question is, what do you talk

1393
01:10:49,280 --> 01:10:55,120
Speaker 1: about with teenagers kind of struggle with this? Oh my god,

1394
01:10:55,160 --> 01:10:57,280
Speaker 1: whatever they want to talk about is what you talk

1395
01:10:57,320 --> 01:11:00,479
Speaker 1: about with teenagers. It's a loop to them. I mean,

1396
01:11:00,520 --> 01:11:04,120
Speaker 1: this weekend I had Kelley, my ski buddy, her girls,

1397
01:11:04,200 --> 01:11:06,200
Speaker 1: the twins that I always have up here, you know,

1398
01:11:06,280 --> 01:11:09,120
Speaker 1: and it's just whatever the fuck they want. I have

1399
01:11:09,200 --> 01:11:11,640
Speaker 1: to play games. I have to play cards, I have

1400
01:11:11,680 --> 01:11:16,559
Speaker 1: to play whatever. I just to keep them entertained. They

1401
01:11:16,560 --> 01:11:18,280
Speaker 1: want to go out to eat, they want to, but

1402
01:11:18,400 --> 01:11:20,280
Speaker 1: you know, one of them's boy crazy and one of

1403
01:11:20,280 --> 01:11:22,759
Speaker 1: them's not. And one of them is on her phone

1404
01:11:22,800 --> 01:11:25,000
Speaker 1: all the time and the other one isn't, and so

1405
01:11:25,040 --> 01:11:27,880
Speaker 1: it's like it's different skill sets. But you just have

1406
01:11:27,920 --> 01:11:30,840
Speaker 1: to whatever they are into, you need to get into

1407
01:11:31,240 --> 01:11:33,320
Speaker 1: and that'll be easy for you. You're good at that,

1408
01:11:33,360 --> 01:11:35,479
Speaker 1: Believe me. I get exhausted. I'm like, okay, I've been

1409
01:11:35,640 --> 01:11:37,840
Speaker 1: doing this fucking two hours. I have to continue to

1410
01:11:37,880 --> 01:11:40,719
Speaker 1: play this card game. But it's you know, that time

1411
01:11:40,720 --> 01:11:42,840
Speaker 1: when it becomes easier, I know what you mean, though,

1412
01:11:42,920 --> 01:11:45,559
Speaker 1: You're like, how do you get a conversation going because

1413
01:11:45,640 --> 01:11:48,240
Speaker 1: you're in such different places. But I think the less

1414
01:11:48,240 --> 01:11:51,160
Speaker 1: pressure you put on it, the more natural the situation becomes,

1415
01:11:51,200 --> 01:11:53,400
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like, it's okay if there's

1416
01:11:53,640 --> 01:11:56,960
Speaker 1: you don't have to keep every minute loaded with activities.

1417
01:11:57,000 --> 01:11:59,440
Speaker 1: They want to be on their phones half the time anyway,

1418
01:11:59,760 --> 01:12:03,479
Speaker 1: And you know, the nice conversations I think come naturally

1419
01:12:03,520 --> 01:12:05,200
Speaker 1: when you are playing a game that you don't want

1420
01:12:05,200 --> 01:12:07,040
Speaker 1: to play when you are out to dinner, you know,

1421
01:12:07,120 --> 01:12:08,960
Speaker 1: like you do all the things and then it just

1422
01:12:09,040 --> 01:12:13,160
Speaker 1: kind of flows. So yeah, but it's definitely not about you.

1423
01:12:15,479 --> 01:12:17,240
Speaker 1: And I was like, I just know, like, don't ask

1424
01:12:17,280 --> 01:12:19,880
Speaker 1: them about school because I think that's a boring question. Yeah,

1425
01:12:20,000 --> 01:12:22,879
Speaker 1: you got to ask them about their friend dynamics, about boys.

1426
01:12:23,400 --> 01:12:27,360
Speaker 1: I don't know all that stuff. Yes. I one of

1427
01:12:27,400 --> 01:12:30,240
Speaker 1: my friends kids once was telling like she opened up

1428
01:12:30,240 --> 01:12:32,400
Speaker 1: to me and was like saying, oh, you know me

1429
01:12:32,439 --> 01:12:34,439
Speaker 1: and my friends, So we think we're gonna try like

1430
01:12:34,479 --> 01:12:37,120
Speaker 1: a weed candy thing. It was like one of those

1431
01:12:37,160 --> 01:12:40,000
Speaker 1: nerd ropes, but it had cannabis in it. And I

1432
01:12:40,040 --> 01:12:41,439
Speaker 1: was like, okay, well, like do you know how many

1433
01:12:41,479 --> 01:12:43,920
Speaker 1: milligrams are in it and everything? She's like, oh, it's

1434
01:12:43,960 --> 01:12:45,800
Speaker 1: one hundred and we're gonna split it four ways. I

1435
01:12:45,880 --> 01:12:49,360
Speaker 1: was like, you will lose your mind. Don't do this.

1436
01:12:49,720 --> 01:12:52,800
Speaker 1: So I like to pry a little bit and be like, um,

1437
01:12:52,840 --> 01:12:56,559
Speaker 1: just try like one one and try that. Yeah. I know,

1438
01:12:56,720 --> 01:13:00,600
Speaker 1: definitely pry because that's how you get information. But I

1439
01:13:00,720 --> 01:13:03,280
Speaker 1: like to always be like I'm on your level. You know,

1440
01:13:03,400 --> 01:13:06,400
Speaker 1: I'm with you, see you with me. I try to

1441
01:13:06,439 --> 01:13:11,200
Speaker 1: be a cool Auntie, I try, I try. Yeah, well, Chelsea,

1442
01:13:11,280 --> 01:13:15,960
Speaker 1: this was super fun today. Yes, it was anything else

1443
01:13:15,960 --> 01:13:19,640
Speaker 1: we want to say to wrap up, Netflix specialist called Revolution.

1444
01:13:19,720 --> 01:13:21,759
Speaker 1: It's streaming on Netflix. And I just won the Comedy

1445
01:13:21,920 --> 01:13:26,360
Speaker 1: Icon Award of the Year. Yes, varieties Comedy Icon of

1446
01:13:26,439 --> 01:13:28,840
Speaker 1: the Year. How cool is that? Listen? Was there any

1447
01:13:28,880 --> 01:13:32,639
Speaker 1: other choice? There was? I don't know. I don't know

1448
01:13:32,720 --> 01:13:35,720
Speaker 1: how They're fun. Oh that's so excited. Yes, and I

1449
01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:38,400
Speaker 1: will see everyone. Well, I'll see everyone on tour, a

1450
01:13:38,400 --> 01:13:41,840
Speaker 1: little big bitch tour. Yes, I've added some new dates.

1451
01:13:41,840 --> 01:13:44,479
Speaker 1: I added a date in Monticello, New York. I'm coming

1452
01:13:44,520 --> 01:13:48,760
Speaker 1: to Colorado to Red Rocks Amphitheater. I'm coming to Calamazoo,

1453
01:13:48,920 --> 01:13:52,040
Speaker 1: and then I'm coming to a bunch of places in Tennessee, Memphis, Knoxville,

1454
01:13:52,280 --> 01:13:56,400
Speaker 1: and Chattanooga. That's May nineteenth, twentieth, and twenty first. And

1455
01:13:56,439 --> 01:13:58,280
Speaker 1: then I'll be in Atlantic City June tenth, which is

1456
01:13:58,280 --> 01:14:01,719
Speaker 1: almost still doubt. So go to Chelsea howm com for tickets. Oh, well,

1457
01:14:01,880 --> 01:14:05,040
Speaker 1: see you guys very soon. Okay, take care. A note

1458
01:14:05,080 --> 01:14:08,040
Speaker 1: on our segment calling in Backup with Better Health. David

1459
01:14:08,080 --> 01:14:11,920
Speaker 1: Yaddish's input is general psychological information based on research and

1460
01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:16,000
Speaker 1: clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature.

1461
01:14:16,160 --> 01:14:19,160
Speaker 1: It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or

1462
01:14:19,160 --> 01:14:23,080
Speaker 1: professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. David's feedback is

1463
01:14:23,120 --> 01:14:25,559
Speaker 1: in response to a written question, and therefore there are

1464
01:14:25,640 --> 01:14:29,759
Speaker 1: likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also, just because

1465
01:14:29,760 --> 01:14:31,920
Speaker 1: you might hear something on the show that sounds similar

1466
01:14:31,960 --> 01:14:35,920
Speaker 1: to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis. Diagnosis is

1467
01:14:35,920 --> 01:14:38,080
Speaker 1: not required to find relief, and you'll want to find

1468
01:14:38,120 --> 01:14:41,519
Speaker 1: a qualified professional to assess and to explore diagnoses if

1469
01:14:41,520 --> 01:14:43,840
Speaker 1: that's important to you. If you or your partner are

1470
01:14:43,880 --> 01:14:46,759
Speaker 1: in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,

1471
01:14:46,920 --> 01:14:49,599
Speaker 1: please reach out for support to crisis hotlines or local

1472
01:14:49,600 --> 01:14:52,120
Speaker 1: authorities have a safety plan and that can be done

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Speaker 1: with a therapist too. So if you like advice from Chelsea,

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Speaker 1: just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at

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Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio,

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Speaker 1: produced by Kathryne Law and edited and engineered by Brad

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Speaker 1: Dickart