Speaker 1: Before we start this week's episode, I would like to
Speaker 1: give a trigger warning to let you know that the
Speaker 1: following material may not be suitable if you have previously
Speaker 1: experienced a miscarriage and a topic pregnancy, are stillborn, or
Speaker 1: have been trying to become pregnant following a miscarriage. Please
Speaker 1: proceed with caution. Come in, POD's gonna bite me. Don't
Speaker 1: look at it, looking at your period. Just take this.
Speaker 1: Oh god, it's it's carriage. Okay, Jesus, it's it's okay.
Speaker 1: It's not okay. You need to go to hospital. It's fine.
Speaker 1: I just need to let me know. Just get your
Speaker 1: hands off my miscarriage. It's mine, It's mine. That was
Speaker 1: a clip from the series Lee Bag. Hi, guys, welcome
Speaker 1: to another episode of Periods SIS, brought to you by
Speaker 1: the official box owner. I'm your girl, Mandy B. And
Speaker 1: this episode again if you heard the trigger warning. Um.
Speaker 1: This was actually the first episode that I recorded for
Speaker 1: Periods This and it brought so much emotion to me,
Speaker 1: knowing that these conversations were now coming to the forefront,
Speaker 1: specifically regarding situations that I myself has have not been
Speaker 1: through as a woman. This episode will show you just
Speaker 1: how strong a black woman can be and how determination
Speaker 1: will drive her to be exactly who she wants to be.
Speaker 1: And in this case, it's a mother. Um. And so
Speaker 1: I guess I'll give you yet another trigger warning. The
Speaker 1: content and material that you were about to hear UM
Speaker 1: can trigger many people who have experienced anything of this
Speaker 1: nature regarding trying to get pregnant. So I just want
Speaker 1: to warn you. And so this is another tale of
Speaker 1: womanhood by women for women today. I'm super excited to
Speaker 1: be joined with Lindsay mctush burns. She is a pregnancy
Speaker 1: and infant loss awareness advocate, host of Journey Firm infertility podcast,
Speaker 1: and the mother of two rainbow babies. Hi, Lindsay, thank
Speaker 1: you for joining me booth. Thank you for having me girl,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you. I'm super excited. So for those
Speaker 1: of you who are not aware on what a rainbow
Speaker 1: baby is, a rainbow baby is a term for a
Speaker 1: child born to a couple who has previously lost a
Speaker 1: child due to miscarriage, still birth, or death during infancy.
Speaker 1: These subsequent pregnancies can bring strong feelings of anxiety, guilt,
Speaker 1: and even fear, but also a men's joy, reflection, healing
Speaker 1: and mixed emotions, and that's kind of what we're actually
Speaker 1: going to go through, um during this episode. So I
Speaker 1: guess before we start anything, Lindsay, can you let our
Speaker 1: audience know how many miscarriages, unfortunately you have experienced. So
Speaker 1: I have had a total of six miscarriages, so that
Speaker 1: actually included a still birth at thirty four weeks. I've
Speaker 1: had miscarriages before fourteen weeks, and then I've actually had
Speaker 1: two E topic pregnancies and one of those topic pregnancies
Speaker 1: resulted in me losing one of my fallopian two's and
Speaker 1: that's at an ET topic pregnancy. Can you explain what
Speaker 1: that is because I'm not familiar with the term, so A,
Speaker 1: the topic pregnancy is when you have a pregnancy that
Speaker 1: is really pretty much in one of your fallopian two's.
Speaker 1: Usually it's not viable and the only way to either
Speaker 1: get it removed is through like any emergency surgery. So
Speaker 1: I've had to go through two emergency surgeries and get
Speaker 1: one of my fallopian twos removed. Wow, So I I
Speaker 1: I specifically when I when I thought too to have
Speaker 1: an episode on this specific topic. Um. You know, I've
Speaker 1: known you since high school and I have gotten to
Speaker 1: almost kind of share this with you. You've been very
Speaker 1: open on social media um about your journey through this process,
Speaker 1: and so I want to go back to your very
Speaker 1: first pregnancy, and I want to kind of walk our
Speaker 1: audience through you being excited about pregnancy um and then
Speaker 1: losing it, and then further on into the conversation. I
Speaker 1: definitely want to get into how you got to six
Speaker 1: and kept trying. I think a lot of people who
Speaker 1: who go through this kind of give up hope. So
Speaker 1: I want this to be an episode that gives hope
Speaker 1: to those women that may have been through the same
Speaker 1: experience as you and have given up, especially for you
Speaker 1: to now be a proud mother of two. So can
Speaker 1: you go ahead and kind of just start and and
Speaker 1: and tell your story about going through through the miscarriage
Speaker 1: and how that made you felt. Yeah, So the first miscarriage,
Speaker 1: of course, I was probably about eighteen nineteen years old,
Speaker 1: had a boyfriend, so just going through the usual process.
Speaker 1: We weren't planning to get pregnant, of course, but it happened,
Speaker 1: and you know, everything was going fine. Went to my
Speaker 1: regular appointments and went out of town one time and
Speaker 1: then came back and just going for a usual appointment
Speaker 1: and they couldn't find a heartbeat. So I was about
Speaker 1: thirteen weeks at that point, so I was still in
Speaker 1: my first trimester. So that alone was inexperience just by itself,
Speaker 1: because one what was a miscarriage? I had no clue
Speaker 1: what a miscarriage was, no understanding, and then just being
Speaker 1: left with nothing so I had to actually go and
Speaker 1: have a surgery to get this baby removed and everything
Speaker 1: with that too. So it was something that I had
Speaker 1: not even experienced, and nobody around me knew what that was.
Speaker 1: So we were so sighted and then just and then gone,
Speaker 1: what was there any any news from the doctor um
Speaker 1: during this first miscarriage as to maybe what led to it?
Speaker 1: What was there anything that was done wrong? Was there?
Speaker 1: You know? No, you just went in for a check
Speaker 1: up and they were like, there's no heartbeat. That just
Speaker 1: went in for a check up. They did an ultrasound
Speaker 1: and of course the baby was there, but there was
Speaker 1: no heartbeat and there was really no explanation for it
Speaker 1: at all. Oh wow, So so this happens, and I think, honestly,
Speaker 1: I mean, there's a lot of stories where you know,
Speaker 1: maybe someone has gone through one mm hmm. Go to
Speaker 1: where you are now at miscarriage number three. This has
Speaker 1: now happened twice. Um, maybe you're starting to feel like
Speaker 1: you may never be able to have children. What are
Speaker 1: your thoughts when you experienced this for the third time.
Speaker 1: So the third time was actually after I lost my son,
Speaker 1: so that was the freak out part. So of course
Speaker 1: this my son was born and still at thirty four weeks.
Speaker 1: So I went through and this was this was the
Speaker 1: second Yeah, that was my second one. Okay, so actually
Speaker 1: let's take a step back then, So your second pregnancy,
Speaker 1: you made it full term and your your son was
Speaker 1: born still. Yes, so okay, so this is completely different
Speaker 1: from the first time around. Can you walk us through
Speaker 1: that experience then? Yes. So with my son, we went
Speaker 1: to regular appointments. Everything measured up good all the time. Um,
Speaker 1: I didn't have any issues with this pregnancy at all.
Speaker 1: So like I didn't have any cases of like diabetes
Speaker 1: or any high blood pressure or anything like that. And
Speaker 1: just one day I wasn't I really wouldn't wasn't feeling
Speaker 1: good and I had this weird feeling and had some
Speaker 1: pains that day or that week before, but of course
Speaker 1: I didn't think anything of it. Because he used to
Speaker 1: kick hard anyway, so it didn't alarm anything to me.
Speaker 1: But that following week, like I was at work, lost
Speaker 1: my mucus plug and so of course my contraction started
Speaker 1: while I'm at work and call my doctor. They said, well,
Speaker 1: just come on, come over to the hospital and we'll
Speaker 1: check you out. And then we get there, they're trying
Speaker 1: to put the monitor on me for the baby, so
Speaker 1: to get the fetal heart rate, and she can't find
Speaker 1: the heartbeat, so she's giggling. She's like, oh, they know,
Speaker 1: the baby's just running from me. Can't find the heartbeat,
Speaker 1: you know, whoop the whoop. But it goes on a
Speaker 1: little bit too long. So then she was like, okay,
Speaker 1: well let me go get the ultrasound machine and we're
Speaker 1: gonna go look and see what's going on. So she
Speaker 1: gets the ultrasound machine and then you just see her
Speaker 1: face just go completely blank. And and of course at
Speaker 1: that time, I work in cardiology, so this is something
Speaker 1: that I see on a regular basis, so I can
Speaker 1: tell when people are trying to give me a poker
Speaker 1: face about something. So I'm like, what's wrong, and she's like, oh, wait,
Speaker 1: we should just wait for the doctor. So she's trying
Speaker 1: to find the heartbeat and I hear it go off
Speaker 1: and there's nothing. So it's just really like silence. You
Speaker 1: just hear the water washing in my stomach. But then
Speaker 1: she kept trying and she didn't hear a heartbeat, and
Speaker 1: I asked her again, I said, what's going on? She
Speaker 1: was like, just wait for the doctor to come in.
Speaker 1: And so soon as she walked out of the room,
Speaker 1: I told my mom and I told my boyfriend. I said,
Speaker 1: there was no heartbeat. He was like, what you mean.
Speaker 1: I was like, there was no heartbeat? And how many
Speaker 1: months in are you at this point? Nine months? Oh? Okay,
Speaker 1: which is why they felt comfortable telling you, hey, just
Speaker 1: come on in. And usually around that time, you know,
Speaker 1: most women go through like Braxton Higgs, which is like
Speaker 1: false labor and stuff like that. So those contractions, you know,
Speaker 1: they bring you into monitor just to see like, Okay,
Speaker 1: are you actively in labor or is this something that's
Speaker 1: just going on for a spell, you know, So that
Speaker 1: was really ultimately what was going on, because I was
Speaker 1: still kind of early, but it was still close enough
Speaker 1: for me to just go in and come in for monitoring.
Speaker 1: But once the doctor came in, he did the ultrasound
Speaker 1: again and he didn't see the heartbeat. It was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: there's no heartbeat. Um. And then actively then after that
Speaker 1: like we're gonna have to go ahead and just admit
Speaker 1: you so we can get this baby out. And I
Speaker 1: want I'm not gonna lie like this is having me like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, yeah, like girl, I even kind of
Speaker 1: hear your voice cackling a little bit, and I'm just
Speaker 1: like I don't want to cry and i gotta keep
Speaker 1: my So I want to know at this point, you're
Speaker 1: they're pretty much gonna induce labor, and you know that
Speaker 1: there's no heartbeat, but you have to go through giving
Speaker 1: birth to a baby that you know may not be
Speaker 1: a baby. What is? What is? What emotions do you
Speaker 1: have at this at this point, Like all, are you distraught?
Speaker 1: Are you planning a funeral in your head already? Are
Speaker 1: you thinking of how your partner's gonna take this? What's
Speaker 1: literally going through your mind at this moment? At that point,
Speaker 1: I just it was literally like everything went silent for
Speaker 1: me personally, um, because I didn't know what Again, I
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on. I've never had to I've
Speaker 1: never been through this, so I did not know what
Speaker 1: to say. I didn't know what to do. But it
Speaker 1: seems like as soon as that happened, it seemed like
Speaker 1: everybody started coming to the hospital, Like I don't know what.
Speaker 1: I don't know what went on in that process, but
Speaker 1: everybody started showing up to the emergency room with me,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't know what the heck is
Speaker 1: going on, Like why are all y'all here? Who told
Speaker 1: you all that I was here? Um? Like, and I'm
Speaker 1: trying my best, like to just be okay, because like
Speaker 1: everybody is trying to figure out what's going on, and
Speaker 1: I still haven't figured it out for myself. When you
Speaker 1: say everybody, that everybody like everyone that works at the hospital,
Speaker 1: or all of your family members and friends, all of
Speaker 1: my family and friends. So let me let me ask
Speaker 1: you this question, because at this point everyone's coming in,
Speaker 1: you don't know who told who what. It's just something
Speaker 1: that you would have rather been alone to cope with
Speaker 1: yourself and deal with yourself for a little bit. Or
Speaker 1: were you happy that friends and families showed up for you?
Speaker 1: It was kind of like both, like because I think
Speaker 1: more so that I think what happened that people they
Speaker 1: think my boyfriend had told them, like I'm probably going
Speaker 1: into labor, and so people just started coming. But in
Speaker 1: the midst of them coming, then we find out this news.
Speaker 1: So then it's kind of like I wish y'all wouldn't
Speaker 1: have come at all, Like, but I embraced it, like
Speaker 1: they tried their best to keep me uplifted and all that,
Speaker 1: but it was more sorrow than it was happiness at
Speaker 1: that point because again, and on top of that, nobody
Speaker 1: around me, of course, like I'm at this point, hide
Speaker 1: around me has been through like miscarriages and stuff like this.
Speaker 1: Nobody knows what the hell is going on. So this
Speaker 1: is what I had to deal with. And so before
Speaker 1: the age of twenty one, you literally have gone through
Speaker 1: uh a miscarriage and then a full term still still birth. Yes,
Speaker 1: oh oh okay, So I'm sorry it's so crazy because
Speaker 1: of course, I mean, I I'm one that doesn't even want,
Speaker 1: you know, a child, and so to hear this knowing
Speaker 1: and I know of your excitement. I saw your post.
Speaker 1: You were very um excited about your pregnancy, and then
Speaker 1: I did um start to see the post. And I
Speaker 1: want you to get into this because before we get
Speaker 1: into the other instances of miscarriages that you experienced. You
Speaker 1: did have a funeral for the sun Um, Yeah, I
Speaker 1: want I want you to share kind of what decisions
Speaker 1: were made once you realize this baby would not be
Speaker 1: able to be taken home with you. So eventually it
Speaker 1: came to the point like I literally had to go
Speaker 1: like literally had to go through labor and delivery, had
Speaker 1: to get an epidural, all this stuff, delivered the baby
Speaker 1: pretty much myself caught my baby um before the doctor
Speaker 1: even got there. And so within probably like twelve hours
Speaker 1: or so, somebody came in my room and said, it
Speaker 1: was a chaplain at the hospital, what do you want
Speaker 1: to do? Do you want to have a funeral? Do
Speaker 1: you want to have the baby cremated? Um? And they
Speaker 1: gave me this list of options. Pretty much options were
Speaker 1: given to you almost immediately, yes, like as if you're
Speaker 1: not going through the loss of a child. This was
Speaker 1: literally brought to you after you damn near caught the
Speaker 1: baby in your hand. Yeah, probably, like probably, like because
Speaker 1: I delivered that morning at like three o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 1: By noon, somebody was already in my room saying okay,
Speaker 1: well what And it was the most disgusting thing, like
Speaker 1: hindsight now, Like hindsight now, I think it was the
Speaker 1: most disgusting thing that i've and I I hate that
Speaker 1: hospital to this day. I hate the smell, the look.
Speaker 1: I could ride by there and shoot the bird every
Speaker 1: time I do. And so it's like a chaplain came
Speaker 1: in and said, well, you know, we're sorry for your loss,
Speaker 1: but you know, do you want to have like a memorial?
Speaker 1: Do you want to have a funeral? Like And then
Speaker 1: the three options that they gave me with my child
Speaker 1: is do you want to have a funeral? Do you
Speaker 1: want to bury the baby? This is how much it
Speaker 1: will cost the funeral home, which is really across the street.
Speaker 1: How much this will cost to do a funeral. Do
Speaker 1: you want to just have the baby cremated? This is
Speaker 1: how much it will cost. Or you can get the
Speaker 1: baby cremated for free, and we can spread the ashes
Speaker 1: over in the cemetery off of somewhere somewhere. And at
Speaker 1: that point what piss me off is that I think
Speaker 1: I don't remember if anybody was in the room with
Speaker 1: me when this happened. But the option that I picked,
Speaker 1: I regret it now to this day, and I will
Speaker 1: say did you what what option did you select out
Speaker 1: of those and the the free one? Because one, I'm young,
Speaker 1: we weren't. We weren't prepared. I mean we were, but
Speaker 1: we weren't prepared for this. So my option will if
Speaker 1: you're if you have a baby on the way, you
Speaker 1: have diapers, you have thoughts of similac and carriages and
Speaker 1: and binkies, and those things are a lot more materialistic.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm sure you got them in a baby shower.
Speaker 1: No one thinks that I'm having a baby. Let me
Speaker 1: set aside costs for a funeral or cremation, right, And
Speaker 1: you know, like I said, hindsight, I wish I would
Speaker 1: have done something different. But the option I picks was
Speaker 1: to have to be baby cremated and have their ashes
Speaker 1: spread across across this garden that's not too far from
Speaker 1: my house now, and I haven't, you know, really no
Speaker 1: real memories or anything to hold onto, Like I don't
Speaker 1: have a grave site that I can go to. I
Speaker 1: don't have a bottle of ashes in my house. But
Speaker 1: then I think about it too and say, well, do
Speaker 1: I really did I really want that? Like? Did I
Speaker 1: really want their ashes at my house? Or do I
Speaker 1: really want to go and sit somewhere and grieve my child.
Speaker 1: So it's really it's kind of a teeter totter between everything,
Speaker 1: but that option was the only one that made sense
Speaker 1: to me at that point. And I wish somebody would
Speaker 1: have told me or had a sound mind by me
Speaker 1: when that happened, that this would be, you know, at
Speaker 1: least try to do something that you can hold on
Speaker 1: to more close than sending the ashes off somewhere. And
Speaker 1: then you really don't even know if it happened or not.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, So of the so after experiencing this, you
Speaker 1: still wanted to try. You wanted a baby. You had
Speaker 1: felt almost like you grew with this baby, and so
Speaker 1: you continue trying. Between miscarriage three and six were how
Speaker 1: what were they? Were they the same miscarriages as as
Speaker 1: the first one? What did you have another stillborn um
Speaker 1: or how were they different than the first two? So
Speaker 1: the one after the stillborn it was pretty much probably
Speaker 1: within like the first eight weeks, and majority of the
Speaker 1: rest of them they were all pretty much the same.
Speaker 1: So that when that after one after the loss of
Speaker 1: my son, that was before eight weeks, and then there
Speaker 1: was a couple of years gap before I even got
Speaker 1: pregnant again because I wasn't actively trying to. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: date nobody after that because even then me and my
Speaker 1: boy friend had broke up, so I wasn't even making
Speaker 1: an attempt to try to have kids. But I still
Speaker 1: wanted to have more kids after that. So once I
Speaker 1: got with my now husband, I had another miscarriage and
Speaker 1: then two eck topic pregnancies right after that. So I
Speaker 1: want to ask you, after experiencing like I said six,
Speaker 1: some women experienced one or two and give up, did
Speaker 1: you go to any doctors? Did you have any sort
Speaker 1: of therapy after this to give you the courage to
Speaker 1: keep trying. Yeah, so I went to doctor's appointments. Um,
Speaker 1: like right after my after the sect the third miscarriage,
Speaker 1: I started going to a doctor like I forgot what
Speaker 1: kind of doctor was, So it's more like I went
Speaker 1: to like an end of chronologist. I went to a
Speaker 1: blood therapist or a blood doctor to see if it
Speaker 1: was something going on with me. Everything came out clear,
Speaker 1: so it's something that they just really don't know. I
Speaker 1: had autopsy done on my son. They didn't say anything
Speaker 1: was wrong. So wait, wait, wait, wait, so you're getting
Speaker 1: checked up and you're seeing all of these different spells
Speaker 1: specialists and they're telling you that you're completely healthy and
Speaker 1: ready and willing to have a baby. But this has
Speaker 1: happened to you multiple times. That has was that not frustrating,
Speaker 1: very very frustrating. And so after that, like I literally
Speaker 1: had to get away from my O B office all
Speaker 1: of those physicians and stuff that I had been dealing with.
Speaker 1: I had to kind of just let it go because
Speaker 1: I felt like that wasn't helping my situation. And then
Speaker 1: like when I had my two topic pregnancies, that's when
Speaker 1: I really got fed up and I said, Okay, I
Speaker 1: gotta leave this doctor's office alone because the lady who
Speaker 1: I was dealing with, if I could call her all
Speaker 1: kinds of B words and everything else, because you would
Speaker 1: she she did because the days that because I literally
Speaker 1: had her twice when I had my e topics, so
Speaker 1: she had to do my surgery twice. So the first
Speaker 1: time she told me I was like the luckiest thing
Speaker 1: in the world because I didn't die from it. And
Speaker 1: then the second time she told me, well, you know,
Speaker 1: you're still young. You might be able to have kids,
Speaker 1: but she won't be able to have them on your own,
Speaker 1: um wow, And she was told yes, and she told
Speaker 1: my husband this like while we're like, while I'm still
Speaker 1: in recovery. So she's having a conversation with my my mom,
Speaker 1: my dad, my husband and telling him like, whoa, she'll
Speaker 1: never have kids on her own. And you know, even
Speaker 1: though it's still it's still kind of early. She has time,
Speaker 1: she'll be able to have kids, but again, she won't
Speaker 1: be able to have him on her own. Now. Can
Speaker 1: I ask you, at any point did this start to
Speaker 1: like resonate with you? At any point did you say,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to find a Sarah Gett or maybe
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to find maybe I'm gonna have to adopt.
Speaker 1: After after going through you know, this many experiences with
Speaker 1: not being able to fulfill a full term birth, did
Speaker 1: you ever have an idea that maybe you would not
Speaker 1: be able to experience that. Yes, that moment that she
Speaker 1: told my husband that I believed her, and I stopped
Speaker 1: and I literally was like, Okay, so I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: have to deal with the fact that I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: have kids. I'm gonna have to go through i v
Speaker 1: F treatment, or I'm gonna have to find a surrogate
Speaker 1: or go through adoption, like I hope he doesn't leave
Speaker 1: me in the process of this that I wanted to
Speaker 1: be cautious about this. I didn't want to get excited.
Speaker 1: But you, you pushed, and you pushed. So congratulations, Toby.
Speaker 1: He got me excited. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: apologize about being excited. We didn't lose the baby because
Speaker 1: we got our hopes up. All right, it just happened.
Speaker 1: It happened to me, it didn't happen to you. Now.
Speaker 1: I will be your entire support system through all of this.
Speaker 1: I will hold your head in my lap, and I
Speaker 1: will stroke your hair, and I will tell you that
Speaker 1: everything is going to be okay until the cows come home.
Speaker 1: But what I will not do, what is not fair
Speaker 1: for you to do, is to tell me that I
Speaker 1: wasn't a part of this. Now, Yeah, it didn't happen
Speaker 1: to my body. I get that. I have no idea
Speaker 1: what that must be like for you. And I'm trying
Speaker 1: to be strong here because that's the gig. But it
Speaker 1: happened to me too, and it hurt, and it's so
Speaker 1: it's crazy that you say that, because I want to
Speaker 1: get into that conversation that I don't think it's had enough.
Speaker 1: So you're married, you have too At topic? Did I
Speaker 1: say right? At topic pregnancies with your husband? You guys
Speaker 1: are trying um and finally you do succeed. But I
Speaker 1: want to know how you feel his emotions were going
Speaker 1: through this process with you. Do you feel like a
Speaker 1: man's emotions during this process matters even because you know
Speaker 1: this is something that definitely takes place in a woman's body,
Speaker 1: But I don't think we never really acknowledge how it
Speaker 1: makes our partners feel. So can you get into maybe
Speaker 1: what your conversations were like after going through the topic
Speaker 1: pregnancies and you guys really trying you and your husband. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so with my husband, like when we first had because
Speaker 1: I've had three miss like pretty much three miscarriages with him,
Speaker 1: so we were grieving a portion of something because he
Speaker 1: had never experienced this. And of course, my husband's older
Speaker 1: and he does have other kids, so this was something
Speaker 1: that he had never experienced before, and he already knew
Speaker 1: my history. So this was something totally different from what
Speaker 1: I had with my you know, my previous boyfriend, and
Speaker 1: and you know, we didn't talk. Me and my boyfriend
Speaker 1: didn't talk about our emotions when it came to our
Speaker 1: pregnancy with my son, so when it came to this one,
Speaker 1: it was something a whole, a whole different experience with
Speaker 1: me because I had never had this with someone. So, yes,
Speaker 1: we grieved, we were upset, but that wasn't the end
Speaker 1: of the line. He was like, that does not stop
Speaker 1: me from loving you. We're gonna keep trying and when
Speaker 1: it happens, it's gonna happen. And and he literally told me,
Speaker 1: when it happens, you're gonna have a bunch of babies.
Speaker 1: And now I got to So I would like to know,
Speaker 1: just because if anyone's listening that's gone through us, and
Speaker 1: maybe they don't have, you know, a partner that's as
Speaker 1: open as your husband is. I want to know what
Speaker 1: did that grieving process look like for both of you
Speaker 1: to successfully make it out? Um? What? What? Yeah? If
Speaker 1: you could just explain to us what your grieving process
Speaker 1: looked like. So for me, it was more I had
Speaker 1: to go and find somebody to help me, So I
Speaker 1: needed therapy. I started going through um a hospital that's
Speaker 1: not the one that I was going through. They had
Speaker 1: a bereavement office that had a program that's like a
Speaker 1: like a pregnancy after loss or you know, their bereavement
Speaker 1: advocates for for women for parents who've lost kids. So
Speaker 1: that was my starting point with me grieving, and so
Speaker 1: I started to bring him along in the process with
Speaker 1: me like we would just I would just more bring
Speaker 1: it home with me because he was going through some
Speaker 1: other things and of course he already has a therapist
Speaker 1: that he goes through, so we were both just going
Speaker 1: through different therapists for grieving in the process, and then
Speaker 1: we would just come together and we would just speak
Speaker 1: on it. We'll cry, we hug each other, we do
Speaker 1: anything just to be together. But make sure that we
Speaker 1: expressed ourselves in regards to this, because if you don't
Speaker 1: talk about it, it's gonna fest her up and it's
Speaker 1: gonna fester up in different things in your life. So
Speaker 1: we had to talk about it. And that was just
Speaker 1: one thing that we've already always just learned through our
Speaker 1: own therapy sessions that you know, you got to talk
Speaker 1: about what's going on with you. And I know people
Speaker 1: grieve differently. Um. Actually, a couple of friends of mine
Speaker 1: recently have went through either still births or a wrapped
Speaker 1: in biblical cord or miscarriages, and something that I've seen
Speaker 1: them do is the celebration of their birthdays. Now, with
Speaker 1: going through the stillborn um and your miscarriages, which because
Speaker 1: they didn't make it to full term, I completely understand
Speaker 1: not having a celebration, but with you're stillborn, do you
Speaker 1: do you recognize the birthday after after the fact? And
Speaker 1: what is that? Like? I literally it's something I used
Speaker 1: to do with other people, but I tend to do
Speaker 1: it now by myself. Every year on the birthday, I'll
Speaker 1: go to the cemetery. I get, however many balloons, So
Speaker 1: this year has been eleven. I wouldn't go out a
Speaker 1: living balloons and I released him at the cemetery. And
Speaker 1: that's what I do every year. Every year on his birthday,
Speaker 1: I go and take these balloons and I release those
Speaker 1: balloons and I celebrate, you know, I go buy some
Speaker 1: cake or something like that if I feel like it.
Speaker 1: I used to get toys and donate them to two
Speaker 1: kids and stuff like that, you know, things that I
Speaker 1: think that he might like. Even around Christmas time, I'll buy,
Speaker 1: you know, toys and stuff like that to donate the kids,
Speaker 1: you know, just because that's what I want to celebrate him,
Speaker 1: and I talk about him. I talking about him to
Speaker 1: the girls like they know. I was literally about to
Speaker 1: ask that if you have opened up and shared this
Speaker 1: experience with your with your kids, yeah, of course they
Speaker 1: don't understand it. Of course. Of course a two year
Speaker 1: old and eight year old, I mean eight months old
Speaker 1: have no clue. But my two year old is starting
Speaker 1: she's starting to kind of like, oh, my brother, Like
Speaker 1: she's starting to understand it now more so than anything.
Speaker 1: So wow, I ain't gonna lie girl. My eyes haven't
Speaker 1: been a little bit watery listening listening to this, Um.
Speaker 1: And before we wrap up, you are an advocate again. UM,
Speaker 1: almost a miracle after going through what you've experienced to
Speaker 1: now have two healthy babies and to be so strong
Speaker 1: to share this story with everyone. You do have a
Speaker 1: podcast and you're opening it up about it on there
Speaker 1: as well. But I want you to kind of leave
Speaker 1: us off with something for anyone that may have experienced
Speaker 1: a miscarriage recently or or even in the past and
Speaker 1: still doesn't seem to have made it through to want
Speaker 1: to try again. What advice would you give to those women?
Speaker 1: I just say, hold on, if you can find that
Speaker 1: little mustard seed of faith. Get one, Like, if you
Speaker 1: can find a mustard seed somewhere, put in a little
Speaker 1: zip lock bag, put it somewhere that you know, like
Speaker 1: I used to keep one in my wallet. Wait and wait,
Speaker 1: wait an actual mustar and see yes, okay, wait wait
Speaker 1: explain what is this? What? So a lot of times
Speaker 1: I say like, as long as you have like a
Speaker 1: mustard seed of faith, that's all that you need. A
Speaker 1: mustard seed. Literally you can pinch your fingers as close
Speaker 1: as you can get together without them touching, and that's
Speaker 1: how big it is. And I literally would keep that
Speaker 1: with me at all times because that was a little
Speaker 1: bit of faith that I used to keep and hold
Speaker 1: on to of me ever having kids again, literally go
Speaker 1: look up a mustard seed and see how big it is.
Speaker 1: And you will be like, what the what the what
Speaker 1: are you talking about? Seriously, I'm so serious. I literally something.
Speaker 1: My mother actually gave me a mustard seed and put
Speaker 1: it in a little zip lock bag and I used
Speaker 1: to keep it in my wallet, and I kept it
Speaker 1: in my wallet for years, years until I had my kids.
Speaker 1: And you said, this is all the amount of faith
Speaker 1: I need to keep pushing to know that one day,
Speaker 1: one day, It's gonna happen for me one day. And
Speaker 1: it was literally the day that I literally I fed up,
Speaker 1: and I said and I literally was in the car
Speaker 1: for a week talking to guys saying, hey man, what's
Speaker 1: going on? When is this gonna happen? Let alone? I
Speaker 1: was already pregnant, like literally the following week. I found
Speaker 1: out I was pregnant the following week. So I'm usually
Speaker 1: not like a faith based person or anything like that,
Speaker 1: but when I get fed up, I get to talking.
Speaker 1: And when I talked that time, and then I found
Speaker 1: out literally the monday, after I had been doing it
Speaker 1: for a week, I found out I was pregnant. I
Speaker 1: was already pregnant. Wow, So that little mustard seed is
Speaker 1: usually what I tell people, like, as long as you
Speaker 1: have even just that much, that's all you need. And
Speaker 1: and so you have two healthy babies. Now, are you
Speaker 1: planning on having any more? No? Okay, you're like, no,
Speaker 1: got mine now, you know. And it's only because like
Speaker 1: the way that the one that Georgia works, because of
Speaker 1: this whole abortion thing that they were going on. At
Speaker 1: one point, I was like nope, and then I had
Speaker 1: to with my first one. I had, you know, a
Speaker 1: lot of complications, like I had to have an emergency
Speaker 1: C section with my first one and to plan c
Speaker 1: section with the second one. So I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to keep having to go through this, and
Speaker 1: I'm thinking like complications could keep coming. My body has
Speaker 1: gone through a lot enough, more than enough, So no
Speaker 1: to and done. That's fine, Lindsay. I want to just
Speaker 1: thank you, UM for not only opening up and and
Speaker 1: sharing your story with my new audience, UM, but just
Speaker 1: having the courage to share your story, just because I
Speaker 1: know so many people when when things happen, specifically with
Speaker 1: us as women and our human bodies, there's so much
Speaker 1: that we know but that we still don't know about,
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of shame that is held in
Speaker 1: us when we see that we're not able to be
Speaker 1: the super women that we want to be in our mind.
Speaker 1: So I want to thank you for sharing this because
Speaker 1: everything is not perfect. We don't have all the answers
Speaker 1: to everything, and I'm sure that your story will make
Speaker 1: somebody realize that they can have the mustard seed bit
Speaker 1: of faith to keep pushing and keep trying. And yeah,
Speaker 1: I just I just again, I just want to thank
Speaker 1: you because this this is good. Thank you, thank you
Speaker 1: so much. And um uh. Also I do want to
Speaker 1: get into UM letting our audience know that we may
Speaker 1: also be having the conversation later down the line of
Speaker 1: postpartum depression UM, which is something that most women definitely
Speaker 1: experience after giving birth. And so I do want to
Speaker 1: have this conversation with you as well. And so guys,
Speaker 1: you guys can listen to Lindsay speak on that in
Speaker 1: an upcoming episode. Lindsay, once again, I want to thank
Speaker 1: you so very much for joining us than they. What
Speaker 1: I hope comes from this episode is a little light
Speaker 1: at the end of the tunnel for anyone hoping or
Speaker 1: continuing to try to get pregnant after going through such
Speaker 1: a traumatic experience. UM. After every episode, just to enlighten
Speaker 1: my listeners just a little bit more, I like to
Speaker 1: share a little bit of stats. So about ten fifteen
Speaker 1: and a hundred pregnancies will end in in miscarriage. That
Speaker 1: comes from March of Dimes. And it's also just a
Speaker 1: status to let you know that you're not alone. UM.
Speaker 1: Miscarriage in the second trimester, which is between thirteen and
Speaker 1: nineteen weeks, happens to also about one to five in
Speaker 1: every one hundred pregnancies, and about fifty percent of miscarriages
Speaker 1: are associated with extra or missing chromosomes. So just be
Speaker 1: sure that it if you're trying to get pregnant, you're
Speaker 1: going to the doctor, You're getting all of the right
Speaker 1: tests UM that needs to be taken. And also just
Speaker 1: be there for for your friends. UM. Women do go
Speaker 1: through a lot. And Lindsay is actually a friend of
Speaker 1: mine dating back to high school. We went to prom
Speaker 1: together and to know that in our adult years she
Speaker 1: went through such a traumatic experience, UM, it was a
Speaker 1: lot for me to listen to. UM. You know, we've
Speaker 1: both been living our lives since graduating high school, and
Speaker 1: I know that she's been an advocate um for for
Speaker 1: this issue amongst women, and so to to hear that
Speaker 1: she experienced this UM was just a lot. So please
Speaker 1: just be there for your friends. UM. And again, guys,
Speaker 1: I want to thank you guys for tuning in. Don't
Speaker 1: forget to subscribe, rate share with your friends again. This
Speaker 1: is the periods. This podcast once again brought to you
Speaker 1: by the official box owner. This is your host, Mandy
Speaker 1: B and I am dining out until next time.