1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,120 Speaker 1: Before we start this week's episode, I would like to 2 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,400 Speaker 1: give a trigger warning to let you know that the 3 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: following material may not be suitable if you have previously 4 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 1: experienced a miscarriage and a topic pregnancy, are stillborn, or 5 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,640 Speaker 1: have been trying to become pregnant following a miscarriage. Please 6 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:23,080 Speaker 1: proceed with caution. Come in, POD's gonna bite me. Don't 7 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:26,120 Speaker 1: look at it, looking at your period. Just take this. 8 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 1: Oh god, it's it's carriage. Okay, Jesus, it's it's okay. 9 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: It's not okay. You need to go to hospital. It's fine. 10 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,480 Speaker 1: I just need to let me know. Just get your 11 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 1: hands off my miscarriage. It's mine, It's mine. That was 12 00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 1: a clip from the series Lee Bag. Hi, guys, welcome 13 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,400 Speaker 1: to another episode of Periods SIS, brought to you by 14 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,720 Speaker 1: the official box owner. I'm your girl, Mandy B. And 15 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: this episode again if you heard the trigger warning. Um. 16 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,679 Speaker 1: This was actually the first episode that I recorded for 17 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 1: Periods This and it brought so much emotion to me, 18 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 1: knowing that these conversations were now coming to the forefront, 19 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:29,680 Speaker 1: specifically regarding situations that I myself has have not been 20 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,080 Speaker 1: through as a woman. This episode will show you just 21 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:38,840 Speaker 1: how strong a black woman can be and how determination 22 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,640 Speaker 1: will drive her to be exactly who she wants to be. 23 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:46,199 Speaker 1: And in this case, it's a mother. Um. And so 24 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,880 Speaker 1: I guess I'll give you yet another trigger warning. The 25 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,120 Speaker 1: content and material that you were about to hear UM 26 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: can trigger many people who have experienced anything of this 27 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,000 Speaker 1: nature regarding trying to get pregnant. So I just want 28 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,920 Speaker 1: to warn you. And so this is another tale of 29 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:10,720 Speaker 1: womanhood by women for women today. I'm super excited to 30 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: be joined with Lindsay mctush burns. She is a pregnancy 31 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:21,720 Speaker 1: and infant loss awareness advocate, host of Journey Firm infertility podcast, 32 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,799 Speaker 1: and the mother of two rainbow babies. Hi, Lindsay, thank 33 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:29,360 Speaker 1: you for joining me booth. Thank you for having me girl, 34 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,640 Speaker 1: thank you, thank you. I'm super excited. So for those 35 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 1: of you who are not aware on what a rainbow 36 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:39,120 Speaker 1: baby is, a rainbow baby is a term for a 37 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: child born to a couple who has previously lost a 38 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:47,120 Speaker 1: child due to miscarriage, still birth, or death during infancy. 39 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,919 Speaker 1: These subsequent pregnancies can bring strong feelings of anxiety, guilt, 40 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,519 Speaker 1: and even fear, but also a men's joy, reflection, healing 41 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,080 Speaker 1: and mixed emotions, and that's kind of what we're actually 42 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:02,440 Speaker 1: going to go through, um during this episode. So I 43 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 1: guess before we start anything, Lindsay, can you let our 44 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: audience know how many miscarriages, unfortunately you have experienced. So 45 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 1: I have had a total of six miscarriages, so that 46 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 1: actually included a still birth at thirty four weeks. I've 47 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 1: had miscarriages before fourteen weeks, and then I've actually had 48 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: two E topic pregnancies and one of those topic pregnancies 49 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: resulted in me losing one of my fallopian two's and 50 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:35,800 Speaker 1: that's at an ET topic pregnancy. Can you explain what 51 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 1: that is because I'm not familiar with the term, so A, 52 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:41,560 Speaker 1: the topic pregnancy is when you have a pregnancy that 53 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,040 Speaker 1: is really pretty much in one of your fallopian two's. 54 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 1: Usually it's not viable and the only way to either 55 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:51,760 Speaker 1: get it removed is through like any emergency surgery. So 56 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,880 Speaker 1: I've had to go through two emergency surgeries and get 57 00:03:54,920 --> 00:04:00,560 Speaker 1: one of my fallopian twos removed. Wow, So I I 58 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 1: I specifically when I when I thought too to have 59 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,320 Speaker 1: an episode on this specific topic. Um. You know, I've 60 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 1: known you since high school and I have gotten to 61 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,160 Speaker 1: almost kind of share this with you. You've been very 62 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 1: open on social media um about your journey through this process, 63 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:23,039 Speaker 1: and so I want to go back to your very 64 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,000 Speaker 1: first pregnancy, and I want to kind of walk our 65 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:31,680 Speaker 1: audience through you being excited about pregnancy um and then 66 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,960 Speaker 1: losing it, and then further on into the conversation. I 67 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 1: definitely want to get into how you got to six 68 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 1: and kept trying. I think a lot of people who 69 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 1: who go through this kind of give up hope. So 70 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,920 Speaker 1: I want this to be an episode that gives hope 71 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,800 Speaker 1: to those women that may have been through the same 72 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 1: experience as you and have given up, especially for you 73 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,280 Speaker 1: to now be a proud mother of two. So can 74 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: you go ahead and kind of just start and and 75 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,919 Speaker 1: and tell your story about going through through the miscarriage 76 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 1: and how that made you felt. Yeah, So the first miscarriage, 77 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,839 Speaker 1: of course, I was probably about eighteen nineteen years old, 78 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 1: had a boyfriend, so just going through the usual process. 79 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 1: We weren't planning to get pregnant, of course, but it happened, 80 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,159 Speaker 1: and you know, everything was going fine. Went to my 81 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: regular appointments and went out of town one time and 82 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,560 Speaker 1: then came back and just going for a usual appointment 83 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,000 Speaker 1: and they couldn't find a heartbeat. So I was about 84 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 1: thirteen weeks at that point, so I was still in 85 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:36,120 Speaker 1: my first trimester. So that alone was inexperience just by itself, 86 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:40,400 Speaker 1: because one what was a miscarriage? I had no clue 87 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 1: what a miscarriage was, no understanding, and then just being 88 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,920 Speaker 1: left with nothing so I had to actually go and 89 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:51,920 Speaker 1: have a surgery to get this baby removed and everything 90 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,800 Speaker 1: with that too. So it was something that I had 91 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 1: not even experienced, and nobody around me knew what that was. 92 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:03,920 Speaker 1: So we were so sighted and then just and then gone, 93 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,760 Speaker 1: what was there any any news from the doctor um 94 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: during this first miscarriage as to maybe what led to it? 95 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,640 Speaker 1: What was there anything that was done wrong? Was there? 96 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 1: You know? No, you just went in for a check 97 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,120 Speaker 1: up and they were like, there's no heartbeat. That just 98 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,120 Speaker 1: went in for a check up. They did an ultrasound 99 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,760 Speaker 1: and of course the baby was there, but there was 100 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,840 Speaker 1: no heartbeat and there was really no explanation for it 101 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:37,279 Speaker 1: at all. Oh wow, So so this happens, and I think, honestly, 102 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,600 Speaker 1: I mean, there's a lot of stories where you know, 103 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:44,919 Speaker 1: maybe someone has gone through one mm hmm. Go to 104 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,720 Speaker 1: where you are now at miscarriage number three. This has 105 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,680 Speaker 1: now happened twice. Um, maybe you're starting to feel like 106 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:56,240 Speaker 1: you may never be able to have children. What are 107 00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:59,479 Speaker 1: your thoughts when you experienced this for the third time. 108 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 1: So the third time was actually after I lost my son, 109 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,719 Speaker 1: so that was the freak out part. So of course 110 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:11,560 Speaker 1: this my son was born and still at thirty four weeks. 111 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,440 Speaker 1: So I went through and this was this was the 112 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 1: second Yeah, that was my second one. Okay, so actually 113 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 1: let's take a step back then, So your second pregnancy, 114 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 1: you made it full term and your your son was 115 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:27,440 Speaker 1: born still. Yes, so okay, so this is completely different 116 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 1: from the first time around. Can you walk us through 117 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 1: that experience then? Yes. So with my son, we went 118 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: to regular appointments. Everything measured up good all the time. Um, 119 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,120 Speaker 1: I didn't have any issues with this pregnancy at all. 120 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,360 Speaker 1: So like I didn't have any cases of like diabetes 121 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 1: or any high blood pressure or anything like that. And 122 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 1: just one day I wasn't I really wouldn't wasn't feeling 123 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 1: good and I had this weird feeling and had some 124 00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 1: pains that day or that week before, but of course 125 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,600 Speaker 1: I didn't think anything of it. Because he used to 126 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 1: kick hard anyway, so it didn't alarm anything to me. 127 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,960 Speaker 1: But that following week, like I was at work, lost 128 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: my mucus plug and so of course my contraction started 129 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 1: while I'm at work and call my doctor. They said, well, 130 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 1: just come on, come over to the hospital and we'll 131 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:25,040 Speaker 1: check you out. And then we get there, they're trying 132 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: to put the monitor on me for the baby, so 133 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 1: to get the fetal heart rate, and she can't find 134 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,319 Speaker 1: the heartbeat, so she's giggling. She's like, oh, they know, 135 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 1: the baby's just running from me. Can't find the heartbeat, 136 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,319 Speaker 1: you know, whoop the whoop. But it goes on a 137 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,720 Speaker 1: little bit too long. So then she was like, okay, 138 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,719 Speaker 1: well let me go get the ultrasound machine and we're 139 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 1: gonna go look and see what's going on. So she 140 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,719 Speaker 1: gets the ultrasound machine and then you just see her 141 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:56,280 Speaker 1: face just go completely blank. And and of course at 142 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 1: that time, I work in cardiology, so this is something 143 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 1: that I see on a regular basis, so I can 144 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 1: tell when people are trying to give me a poker 145 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:06,320 Speaker 1: face about something. So I'm like, what's wrong, and she's like, oh, wait, 146 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 1: we should just wait for the doctor. So she's trying 147 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 1: to find the heartbeat and I hear it go off 148 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,720 Speaker 1: and there's nothing. So it's just really like silence. You 149 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,960 Speaker 1: just hear the water washing in my stomach. But then 150 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:21,560 Speaker 1: she kept trying and she didn't hear a heartbeat, and 151 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,480 Speaker 1: I asked her again, I said, what's going on? She 152 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: was like, just wait for the doctor to come in. 153 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,240 Speaker 1: And so soon as she walked out of the room, 154 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:30,680 Speaker 1: I told my mom and I told my boyfriend. I said, 155 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 1: there was no heartbeat. He was like, what you mean. 156 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,400 Speaker 1: I was like, there was no heartbeat? And how many 157 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:41,079 Speaker 1: months in are you at this point? Nine months? Oh? Okay, 158 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 1: which is why they felt comfortable telling you, hey, just 159 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,440 Speaker 1: come on in. And usually around that time, you know, 160 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,520 Speaker 1: most women go through like Braxton Higgs, which is like 161 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 1: false labor and stuff like that. So those contractions, you know, 162 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,439 Speaker 1: they bring you into monitor just to see like, Okay, 163 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 1: are you actively in labor or is this something that's 164 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,320 Speaker 1: just going on for a spell, you know, So that 165 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,560 Speaker 1: was really ultimately what was going on, because I was 166 00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 1: still kind of early, but it was still close enough 167 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,280 Speaker 1: for me to just go in and come in for monitoring. 168 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,439 Speaker 1: But once the doctor came in, he did the ultrasound 169 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:15,320 Speaker 1: again and he didn't see the heartbeat. It was like, yeah, 170 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,960 Speaker 1: there's no heartbeat. Um. And then actively then after that 171 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 1: like we're gonna have to go ahead and just admit 172 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:25,160 Speaker 1: you so we can get this baby out. And I 173 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,760 Speaker 1: want I'm not gonna lie like this is having me like, 174 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:32,440 Speaker 1: oh my god, yeah, like girl, I even kind of 175 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 1: hear your voice cackling a little bit, and I'm just 176 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: like I don't want to cry and i gotta keep 177 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,920 Speaker 1: my So I want to know at this point, you're 178 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,200 Speaker 1: they're pretty much gonna induce labor, and you know that 179 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 1: there's no heartbeat, but you have to go through giving 180 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:52,319 Speaker 1: birth to a baby that you know may not be 181 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,480 Speaker 1: a baby. What is? What is? What emotions do you 182 00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: have at this at this point, Like all, are you distraught? 183 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,960 Speaker 1: Are you planning a funeral in your head already? Are 184 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,640 Speaker 1: you thinking of how your partner's gonna take this? What's 185 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,680 Speaker 1: literally going through your mind at this moment? At that point, 186 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:15,200 Speaker 1: I just it was literally like everything went silent for 187 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,960 Speaker 1: me personally, um, because I didn't know what Again, I 188 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 1: don't know what's going on. I've never had to I've 189 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 1: never been through this, so I did not know what 190 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,800 Speaker 1: to say. I didn't know what to do. But it 191 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,720 Speaker 1: seems like as soon as that happened, it seemed like 192 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:34,679 Speaker 1: everybody started coming to the hospital, Like I don't know what. 193 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,600 Speaker 1: I don't know what went on in that process, but 194 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,440 Speaker 1: everybody started showing up to the emergency room with me, 195 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,360 Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't know what the heck is 196 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,240 Speaker 1: going on, Like why are all y'all here? Who told 197 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,679 Speaker 1: you all that I was here? Um? Like, and I'm 198 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,200 Speaker 1: trying my best, like to just be okay, because like 199 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,720 Speaker 1: everybody is trying to figure out what's going on, and 200 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,240 Speaker 1: I still haven't figured it out for myself. When you 201 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,439 Speaker 1: say everybody, that everybody like everyone that works at the hospital, 202 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,600 Speaker 1: or all of your family members and friends, all of 203 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 1: my family and friends. So let me let me ask 204 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:10,000 Speaker 1: you this question, because at this point everyone's coming in, 205 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: you don't know who told who what. It's just something 206 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:16,200 Speaker 1: that you would have rather been alone to cope with 207 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,680 Speaker 1: yourself and deal with yourself for a little bit. Or 208 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 1: were you happy that friends and families showed up for you? 209 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:25,920 Speaker 1: It was kind of like both, like because I think 210 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,880 Speaker 1: more so that I think what happened that people they 211 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,760 Speaker 1: think my boyfriend had told them, like I'm probably going 212 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 1: into labor, and so people just started coming. But in 213 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: the midst of them coming, then we find out this news. 214 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: So then it's kind of like I wish y'all wouldn't 215 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:44,760 Speaker 1: have come at all, Like, but I embraced it, like 216 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,000 Speaker 1: they tried their best to keep me uplifted and all that, 217 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 1: but it was more sorrow than it was happiness at 218 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:55,720 Speaker 1: that point because again, and on top of that, nobody 219 00:12:55,760 --> 00:13:00,240 Speaker 1: around me, of course, like I'm at this point, hide 220 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,760 Speaker 1: around me has been through like miscarriages and stuff like this. 221 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,760 Speaker 1: Nobody knows what the hell is going on. So this 222 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,079 Speaker 1: is what I had to deal with. And so before 223 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,439 Speaker 1: the age of twenty one, you literally have gone through 224 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:18,640 Speaker 1: uh a miscarriage and then a full term still still birth. Yes, 225 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 1: oh oh okay, So I'm sorry it's so crazy because 226 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:31,080 Speaker 1: of course, I mean, I I'm one that doesn't even want, 227 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,880 Speaker 1: you know, a child, and so to hear this knowing 228 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,480 Speaker 1: and I know of your excitement. I saw your post. 229 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:43,480 Speaker 1: You were very um excited about your pregnancy, and then 230 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 1: I did um start to see the post. And I 231 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 1: want you to get into this because before we get 232 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:54,120 Speaker 1: into the other instances of miscarriages that you experienced. You 233 00:13:54,200 --> 00:14:00,719 Speaker 1: did have a funeral for the sun Um, Yeah, I 234 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,560 Speaker 1: want I want you to share kind of what decisions 235 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,440 Speaker 1: were made once you realize this baby would not be 236 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,360 Speaker 1: able to be taken home with you. So eventually it 237 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,360 Speaker 1: came to the point like I literally had to go 238 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: like literally had to go through labor and delivery, had 239 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 1: to get an epidural, all this stuff, delivered the baby 240 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,920 Speaker 1: pretty much myself caught my baby um before the doctor 241 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,680 Speaker 1: even got there. And so within probably like twelve hours 242 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 1: or so, somebody came in my room and said, it 243 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 1: was a chaplain at the hospital, what do you want 244 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 1: to do? Do you want to have a funeral? Do 245 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 1: you want to have the baby cremated? Um? And they 246 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 1: gave me this list of options. Pretty much options were 247 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 1: given to you almost immediately, yes, like as if you're 248 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 1: not going through the loss of a child. This was 249 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,240 Speaker 1: literally brought to you after you damn near caught the 250 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 1: baby in your hand. Yeah, probably, like probably, like because 251 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 1: I delivered that morning at like three o'clock in the morning. 252 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,400 Speaker 1: By noon, somebody was already in my room saying okay, 253 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:11,360 Speaker 1: well what And it was the most disgusting thing, like 254 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: hindsight now, Like hindsight now, I think it was the 255 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,360 Speaker 1: most disgusting thing that i've and I I hate that 256 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,920 Speaker 1: hospital to this day. I hate the smell, the look. 257 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,240 Speaker 1: I could ride by there and shoot the bird every 258 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 1: time I do. And so it's like a chaplain came 259 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 1: in and said, well, you know, we're sorry for your loss, 260 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 1: but you know, do you want to have like a memorial? 261 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 1: Do you want to have a funeral? Like And then 262 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,160 Speaker 1: the three options that they gave me with my child 263 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: is do you want to have a funeral? Do you 264 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,880 Speaker 1: want to bury the baby? This is how much it 265 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 1: will cost the funeral home, which is really across the street. 266 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,360 Speaker 1: How much this will cost to do a funeral. Do 267 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,240 Speaker 1: you want to just have the baby cremated? This is 268 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,160 Speaker 1: how much it will cost. Or you can get the 269 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,760 Speaker 1: baby cremated for free, and we can spread the ashes 270 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 1: over in the cemetery off of somewhere somewhere. And at 271 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 1: that point what piss me off is that I think 272 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:09,000 Speaker 1: I don't remember if anybody was in the room with 273 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,280 Speaker 1: me when this happened. But the option that I picked, 274 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:16,040 Speaker 1: I regret it now to this day, and I will 275 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 1: say did you what what option did you select out 276 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:26,040 Speaker 1: of those and the the free one? Because one, I'm young, 277 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,920 Speaker 1: we weren't. We weren't prepared. I mean we were, but 278 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 1: we weren't prepared for this. So my option will if 279 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,800 Speaker 1: you're if you have a baby on the way, you 280 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 1: have diapers, you have thoughts of similac and carriages and 281 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,120 Speaker 1: and binkies, and those things are a lot more materialistic. 282 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 1: You know, I'm sure you got them in a baby shower. 283 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,480 Speaker 1: No one thinks that I'm having a baby. Let me 284 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,560 Speaker 1: set aside costs for a funeral or cremation, right, And 285 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:58,160 Speaker 1: you know, like I said, hindsight, I wish I would 286 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 1: have done something different. But the option I picks was 287 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 1: to have to be baby cremated and have their ashes 288 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:07,320 Speaker 1: spread across across this garden that's not too far from 289 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,800 Speaker 1: my house now, and I haven't, you know, really no 290 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:15,240 Speaker 1: real memories or anything to hold onto, Like I don't 291 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 1: have a grave site that I can go to. I 292 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:22,040 Speaker 1: don't have a bottle of ashes in my house. But 293 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:24,879 Speaker 1: then I think about it too and say, well, do 294 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,280 Speaker 1: I really did I really want that? Like? Did I 295 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:31,679 Speaker 1: really want their ashes at my house? Or do I 296 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,000 Speaker 1: really want to go and sit somewhere and grieve my child. 297 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:39,320 Speaker 1: So it's really it's kind of a teeter totter between everything, 298 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:43,320 Speaker 1: but that option was the only one that made sense 299 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: to me at that point. And I wish somebody would 300 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: have told me or had a sound mind by me 301 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:53,879 Speaker 1: when that happened, that this would be, you know, at 302 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: least try to do something that you can hold on 303 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,480 Speaker 1: to more close than sending the ashes off somewhere. And 304 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 1: then you really don't even know if it happened or not. 305 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 1: Oh wow, So of the so after experiencing this, you 306 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,640 Speaker 1: still wanted to try. You wanted a baby. You had 307 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:17,960 Speaker 1: felt almost like you grew with this baby, and so 308 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:24,200 Speaker 1: you continue trying. Between miscarriage three and six were how 309 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,840 Speaker 1: what were they? Were they the same miscarriages as as 310 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 1: the first one? What did you have another stillborn um 311 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,600 Speaker 1: or how were they different than the first two? So 312 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:38,719 Speaker 1: the one after the stillborn it was pretty much probably 313 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,639 Speaker 1: within like the first eight weeks, and majority of the 314 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 1: rest of them they were all pretty much the same. 315 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,760 Speaker 1: So that when that after one after the loss of 316 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,160 Speaker 1: my son, that was before eight weeks, and then there 317 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,360 Speaker 1: was a couple of years gap before I even got 318 00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:56,439 Speaker 1: pregnant again because I wasn't actively trying to. I wouldn't 319 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: date nobody after that because even then me and my 320 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,440 Speaker 1: boy friend had broke up, so I wasn't even making 321 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,480 Speaker 1: an attempt to try to have kids. But I still 322 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 1: wanted to have more kids after that. So once I 323 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 1: got with my now husband, I had another miscarriage and 324 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,960 Speaker 1: then two eck topic pregnancies right after that. So I 325 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:22,200 Speaker 1: want to ask you, after experiencing like I said six, 326 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 1: some women experienced one or two and give up, did 327 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,080 Speaker 1: you go to any doctors? Did you have any sort 328 00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 1: of therapy after this to give you the courage to 329 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:41,160 Speaker 1: keep trying. Yeah, so I went to doctor's appointments. Um, 330 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,000 Speaker 1: like right after my after the sect the third miscarriage, 331 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 1: I started going to a doctor like I forgot what 332 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 1: kind of doctor was, So it's more like I went 333 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,840 Speaker 1: to like an end of chronologist. I went to a 334 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,679 Speaker 1: blood therapist or a blood doctor to see if it 335 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,840 Speaker 1: was something going on with me. Everything came out clear, 336 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,240 Speaker 1: so it's something that they just really don't know. I 337 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,399 Speaker 1: had autopsy done on my son. They didn't say anything 338 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:08,919 Speaker 1: was wrong. So wait, wait, wait, wait, so you're getting 339 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,960 Speaker 1: checked up and you're seeing all of these different spells 340 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,160 Speaker 1: specialists and they're telling you that you're completely healthy and 341 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 1: ready and willing to have a baby. But this has 342 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:26,520 Speaker 1: happened to you multiple times. That has was that not frustrating, 343 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:31,760 Speaker 1: very very frustrating. And so after that, like I literally 344 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:36,040 Speaker 1: had to get away from my O B office all 345 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,040 Speaker 1: of those physicians and stuff that I had been dealing with. 346 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,119 Speaker 1: I had to kind of just let it go because 347 00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 1: I felt like that wasn't helping my situation. And then 348 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:47,920 Speaker 1: like when I had my two topic pregnancies, that's when 349 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,919 Speaker 1: I really got fed up and I said, Okay, I 350 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 1: gotta leave this doctor's office alone because the lady who 351 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,679 Speaker 1: I was dealing with, if I could call her all 352 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,920 Speaker 1: kinds of B words and everything else, because you would 353 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,840 Speaker 1: she she did because the days that because I literally 354 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,800 Speaker 1: had her twice when I had my e topics, so 355 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:09,280 Speaker 1: she had to do my surgery twice. So the first 356 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 1: time she told me I was like the luckiest thing 357 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:15,520 Speaker 1: in the world because I didn't die from it. And 358 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,119 Speaker 1: then the second time she told me, well, you know, 359 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,840 Speaker 1: you're still young. You might be able to have kids, 360 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:23,480 Speaker 1: but she won't be able to have them on your own, 361 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:29,280 Speaker 1: um wow, And she was told yes, and she told 362 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,960 Speaker 1: my husband this like while we're like, while I'm still 363 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,560 Speaker 1: in recovery. So she's having a conversation with my my mom, 364 00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:40,000 Speaker 1: my dad, my husband and telling him like, whoa, she'll 365 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,680 Speaker 1: never have kids on her own. And you know, even 366 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,640 Speaker 1: though it's still it's still kind of early. She has time, 367 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,200 Speaker 1: she'll be able to have kids, but again, she won't 368 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,119 Speaker 1: be able to have him on her own. Now. Can 369 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,919 Speaker 1: I ask you, at any point did this start to 370 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:57,639 Speaker 1: like resonate with you? At any point did you say, 371 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,760 Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to find a Sarah Gett or maybe 372 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,960 Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to find maybe I'm gonna have to adopt. 373 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: After after going through you know, this many experiences with 374 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:12,200 Speaker 1: not being able to fulfill a full term birth, did 375 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,840 Speaker 1: you ever have an idea that maybe you would not 376 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,240 Speaker 1: be able to experience that. Yes, that moment that she 377 00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:21,960 Speaker 1: told my husband that I believed her, and I stopped 378 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,639 Speaker 1: and I literally was like, Okay, so I'm just gonna 379 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,960 Speaker 1: have to deal with the fact that I'm not gonna 380 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: have kids. I'm gonna have to go through i v 381 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,160 Speaker 1: F treatment, or I'm gonna have to find a surrogate 382 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,080 Speaker 1: or go through adoption, like I hope he doesn't leave 383 00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:39,240 Speaker 1: me in the process of this that I wanted to 384 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,840 Speaker 1: be cautious about this. I didn't want to get excited. 385 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:49,200 Speaker 1: But you, you pushed, and you pushed. So congratulations, Toby. 386 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,639 Speaker 1: He got me excited. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to 387 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:56,080 Speaker 1: apologize about being excited. We didn't lose the baby because 388 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,920 Speaker 1: we got our hopes up. All right, it just happened. 389 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:05,000 Speaker 1: It happened to me, it didn't happen to you. Now. 390 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 1: I will be your entire support system through all of this. 391 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:10,439 Speaker 1: I will hold your head in my lap, and I 392 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,399 Speaker 1: will stroke your hair, and I will tell you that 393 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,080 Speaker 1: everything is going to be okay until the cows come home. 394 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,520 Speaker 1: But what I will not do, what is not fair 395 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,160 Speaker 1: for you to do, is to tell me that I 396 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:27,119 Speaker 1: wasn't a part of this. Now, Yeah, it didn't happen 397 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,320 Speaker 1: to my body. I get that. I have no idea 398 00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:32,400 Speaker 1: what that must be like for you. And I'm trying 399 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,520 Speaker 1: to be strong here because that's the gig. But it 400 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:41,240 Speaker 1: happened to me too, and it hurt, and it's so 401 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,399 Speaker 1: it's crazy that you say that, because I want to 402 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,200 Speaker 1: get into that conversation that I don't think it's had enough. 403 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:50,520 Speaker 1: So you're married, you have too At topic? Did I 404 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:56,920 Speaker 1: say right? At topic pregnancies with your husband? You guys 405 00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:01,639 Speaker 1: are trying um and finally you do succeed. But I 406 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:07,800 Speaker 1: want to know how you feel his emotions were going 407 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:11,000 Speaker 1: through this process with you. Do you feel like a 408 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:15,679 Speaker 1: man's emotions during this process matters even because you know 409 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,919 Speaker 1: this is something that definitely takes place in a woman's body, 410 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,879 Speaker 1: But I don't think we never really acknowledge how it 411 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,160 Speaker 1: makes our partners feel. So can you get into maybe 412 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:28,680 Speaker 1: what your conversations were like after going through the topic 413 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:32,840 Speaker 1: pregnancies and you guys really trying you and your husband. Yeah, 414 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,880 Speaker 1: so with my husband, like when we first had because 415 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:40,680 Speaker 1: I've had three miss like pretty much three miscarriages with him, 416 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,359 Speaker 1: so we were grieving a portion of something because he 417 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 1: had never experienced this. And of course, my husband's older 418 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 1: and he does have other kids, so this was something 419 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,200 Speaker 1: that he had never experienced before, and he already knew 420 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:57,479 Speaker 1: my history. So this was something totally different from what 421 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,639 Speaker 1: I had with my you know, my previous boyfriend, and 422 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,720 Speaker 1: and you know, we didn't talk. Me and my boyfriend 423 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,760 Speaker 1: didn't talk about our emotions when it came to our 424 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,000 Speaker 1: pregnancy with my son, so when it came to this one, 425 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,399 Speaker 1: it was something a whole, a whole different experience with 426 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:17,800 Speaker 1: me because I had never had this with someone. So, yes, 427 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,719 Speaker 1: we grieved, we were upset, but that wasn't the end 428 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: of the line. He was like, that does not stop 429 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,000 Speaker 1: me from loving you. We're gonna keep trying and when 430 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,159 Speaker 1: it happens, it's gonna happen. And and he literally told me, 431 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,359 Speaker 1: when it happens, you're gonna have a bunch of babies. 432 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:36,120 Speaker 1: And now I got to So I would like to know, 433 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,960 Speaker 1: just because if anyone's listening that's gone through us, and 434 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,600 Speaker 1: maybe they don't have, you know, a partner that's as 435 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,360 Speaker 1: open as your husband is. I want to know what 436 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:49,959 Speaker 1: did that grieving process look like for both of you 437 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:54,560 Speaker 1: to successfully make it out? Um? What? What? Yeah? If 438 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:57,000 Speaker 1: you could just explain to us what your grieving process 439 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:01,360 Speaker 1: looked like. So for me, it was more I had 440 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:05,320 Speaker 1: to go and find somebody to help me, So I 441 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:11,119 Speaker 1: needed therapy. I started going through um a hospital that's 442 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 1: not the one that I was going through. They had 443 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 1: a bereavement office that had a program that's like a 444 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:19,879 Speaker 1: like a pregnancy after loss or you know, their bereavement 445 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:24,600 Speaker 1: advocates for for women for parents who've lost kids. So 446 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: that was my starting point with me grieving, and so 447 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,280 Speaker 1: I started to bring him along in the process with 448 00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:33,120 Speaker 1: me like we would just I would just more bring 449 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:35,879 Speaker 1: it home with me because he was going through some 450 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 1: other things and of course he already has a therapist 451 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,320 Speaker 1: that he goes through, so we were both just going 452 00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: through different therapists for grieving in the process, and then 453 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,840 Speaker 1: we would just come together and we would just speak 454 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,239 Speaker 1: on it. We'll cry, we hug each other, we do 455 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,240 Speaker 1: anything just to be together. But make sure that we 456 00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,600 Speaker 1: expressed ourselves in regards to this, because if you don't 457 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,560 Speaker 1: talk about it, it's gonna fest her up and it's 458 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,400 Speaker 1: gonna fester up in different things in your life. So 459 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:05,119 Speaker 1: we had to talk about it. And that was just 460 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,880 Speaker 1: one thing that we've already always just learned through our 461 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:10,680 Speaker 1: own therapy sessions that you know, you got to talk 462 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:13,600 Speaker 1: about what's going on with you. And I know people 463 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 1: grieve differently. Um. Actually, a couple of friends of mine 464 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:21,760 Speaker 1: recently have went through either still births or a wrapped 465 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:25,800 Speaker 1: in biblical cord or miscarriages, and something that I've seen 466 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:29,960 Speaker 1: them do is the celebration of their birthdays. Now, with 467 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:35,480 Speaker 1: going through the stillborn um and your miscarriages, which because 468 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 1: they didn't make it to full term, I completely understand 469 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 1: not having a celebration, but with you're stillborn, do you 470 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:47,040 Speaker 1: do you recognize the birthday after after the fact? And 471 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,800 Speaker 1: what is that? Like? I literally it's something I used 472 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,480 Speaker 1: to do with other people, but I tend to do 473 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,200 Speaker 1: it now by myself. Every year on the birthday, I'll 474 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,399 Speaker 1: go to the cemetery. I get, however many balloons, So 475 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:00,680 Speaker 1: this year has been eleven. I wouldn't go out a 476 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,240 Speaker 1: living balloons and I released him at the cemetery. And 477 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:07,080 Speaker 1: that's what I do every year. Every year on his birthday, 478 00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,160 Speaker 1: I go and take these balloons and I release those 479 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 1: balloons and I celebrate, you know, I go buy some 480 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,840 Speaker 1: cake or something like that if I feel like it. 481 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,320 Speaker 1: I used to get toys and donate them to two 482 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,159 Speaker 1: kids and stuff like that, you know, things that I 483 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,080 Speaker 1: think that he might like. Even around Christmas time, I'll buy, 484 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,600 Speaker 1: you know, toys and stuff like that to donate the kids, 485 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,600 Speaker 1: you know, just because that's what I want to celebrate him, 486 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:29,000 Speaker 1: and I talk about him. I talking about him to 487 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:32,080 Speaker 1: the girls like they know. I was literally about to 488 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: ask that if you have opened up and shared this 489 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:38,600 Speaker 1: experience with your with your kids, yeah, of course they 490 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:41,200 Speaker 1: don't understand it. Of course. Of course a two year 491 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: old and eight year old, I mean eight months old 492 00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:45,600 Speaker 1: have no clue. But my two year old is starting 493 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:49,080 Speaker 1: she's starting to kind of like, oh, my brother, Like 494 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:52,400 Speaker 1: she's starting to understand it now more so than anything. 495 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:57,280 Speaker 1: So wow, I ain't gonna lie girl. My eyes haven't 496 00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: been a little bit watery listening listening to this, Um. 497 00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:07,960 Speaker 1: And before we wrap up, you are an advocate again. UM, 498 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:13,120 Speaker 1: almost a miracle after going through what you've experienced to 499 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,880 Speaker 1: now have two healthy babies and to be so strong 500 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:21,320 Speaker 1: to share this story with everyone. You do have a 501 00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:24,080 Speaker 1: podcast and you're opening it up about it on there 502 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:27,920 Speaker 1: as well. But I want you to kind of leave 503 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,880 Speaker 1: us off with something for anyone that may have experienced 504 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:37,680 Speaker 1: a miscarriage recently or or even in the past and 505 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,720 Speaker 1: still doesn't seem to have made it through to want 506 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,960 Speaker 1: to try again. What advice would you give to those women? 507 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: I just say, hold on, if you can find that 508 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:51,360 Speaker 1: little mustard seed of faith. Get one, Like, if you 509 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:53,800 Speaker 1: can find a mustard seed somewhere, put in a little 510 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:56,080 Speaker 1: zip lock bag, put it somewhere that you know, like 511 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,960 Speaker 1: I used to keep one in my wallet. Wait and wait, 512 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:02,280 Speaker 1: wait an actual mustar and see yes, okay, wait wait 513 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:04,680 Speaker 1: explain what is this? What? So a lot of times 514 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:06,600 Speaker 1: I say like, as long as you have like a 515 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:09,920 Speaker 1: mustard seed of faith, that's all that you need. A 516 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:13,000 Speaker 1: mustard seed. Literally you can pinch your fingers as close 517 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,560 Speaker 1: as you can get together without them touching, and that's 518 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:19,320 Speaker 1: how big it is. And I literally would keep that 519 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,720 Speaker 1: with me at all times because that was a little 520 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 1: bit of faith that I used to keep and hold 521 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:29,720 Speaker 1: on to of me ever having kids again, literally go 522 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:31,959 Speaker 1: look up a mustard seed and see how big it is. 523 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:34,240 Speaker 1: And you will be like, what the what the what 524 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 1: are you talking about? Seriously, I'm so serious. I literally something. 525 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,000 Speaker 1: My mother actually gave me a mustard seed and put 526 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 1: it in a little zip lock bag and I used 527 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 1: to keep it in my wallet, and I kept it 528 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:49,520 Speaker 1: in my wallet for years, years until I had my kids. 529 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:51,960 Speaker 1: And you said, this is all the amount of faith 530 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,800 Speaker 1: I need to keep pushing to know that one day, 531 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,640 Speaker 1: one day, It's gonna happen for me one day. And 532 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,920 Speaker 1: it was literally the day that I literally I fed up, 533 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,160 Speaker 1: and I said and I literally was in the car 534 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 1: for a week talking to guys saying, hey man, what's 535 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:09,920 Speaker 1: going on? When is this gonna happen? Let alone? I 536 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,320 Speaker 1: was already pregnant, like literally the following week. I found 537 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:19,200 Speaker 1: out I was pregnant the following week. So I'm usually 538 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,520 Speaker 1: not like a faith based person or anything like that, 539 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:23,360 Speaker 1: but when I get fed up, I get to talking. 540 00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,440 Speaker 1: And when I talked that time, and then I found 541 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 1: out literally the monday, after I had been doing it 542 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:31,160 Speaker 1: for a week, I found out I was pregnant. I 543 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:35,880 Speaker 1: was already pregnant. Wow, So that little mustard seed is 544 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,760 Speaker 1: usually what I tell people, like, as long as you 545 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: have even just that much, that's all you need. And 546 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:47,239 Speaker 1: and so you have two healthy babies. Now, are you 547 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:52,520 Speaker 1: planning on having any more? No? Okay, you're like, no, 548 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:56,120 Speaker 1: got mine now, you know. And it's only because like 549 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:59,360 Speaker 1: the way that the one that Georgia works, because of 550 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:01,959 Speaker 1: this whole abortion thing that they were going on. At 551 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:04,400 Speaker 1: one point, I was like nope, and then I had 552 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:06,920 Speaker 1: to with my first one. I had, you know, a 553 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,640 Speaker 1: lot of complications, like I had to have an emergency 554 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,240 Speaker 1: C section with my first one and to plan c 555 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:14,680 Speaker 1: section with the second one. So I was like, I 556 00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:16,640 Speaker 1: don't want to keep having to go through this, and 557 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:20,720 Speaker 1: I'm thinking like complications could keep coming. My body has 558 00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:25,280 Speaker 1: gone through a lot enough, more than enough, So no 559 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:31,440 Speaker 1: to and done. That's fine, Lindsay. I want to just 560 00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 1: thank you, UM for not only opening up and and 561 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:39,480 Speaker 1: sharing your story with my new audience, UM, but just 562 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:44,320 Speaker 1: having the courage to share your story, just because I 563 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:48,280 Speaker 1: know so many people when when things happen, specifically with 564 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:50,920 Speaker 1: us as women and our human bodies, there's so much 565 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:53,200 Speaker 1: that we know but that we still don't know about, 566 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:57,440 Speaker 1: and there's a lot of shame that is held in 567 00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:59,680 Speaker 1: us when we see that we're not able to be 568 00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:03,640 Speaker 1: the super women that we want to be in our mind. 569 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,480 Speaker 1: So I want to thank you for sharing this because 570 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:09,560 Speaker 1: everything is not perfect. We don't have all the answers 571 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:12,280 Speaker 1: to everything, and I'm sure that your story will make 572 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:16,360 Speaker 1: somebody realize that they can have the mustard seed bit 573 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:20,240 Speaker 1: of faith to keep pushing and keep trying. And yeah, 574 00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:22,120 Speaker 1: I just I just again, I just want to thank 575 00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:27,360 Speaker 1: you because this this is good. Thank you, thank you 576 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,960 Speaker 1: so much. And um uh. Also I do want to 577 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:34,200 Speaker 1: get into UM letting our audience know that we may 578 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,719 Speaker 1: also be having the conversation later down the line of 579 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:42,920 Speaker 1: postpartum depression UM, which is something that most women definitely 580 00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:46,680 Speaker 1: experience after giving birth. And so I do want to 581 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:50,600 Speaker 1: have this conversation with you as well. And so guys, 582 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,560 Speaker 1: you guys can listen to Lindsay speak on that in 583 00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:56,920 Speaker 1: an upcoming episode. Lindsay, once again, I want to thank 584 00:33:56,960 --> 00:34:04,160 Speaker 1: you so very much for joining us than they. What 585 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:08,399 Speaker 1: I hope comes from this episode is a little light 586 00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:15,319 Speaker 1: at the end of the tunnel for anyone hoping or 587 00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:20,520 Speaker 1: continuing to try to get pregnant after going through such 588 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:25,920 Speaker 1: a traumatic experience. UM. After every episode, just to enlighten 589 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,799 Speaker 1: my listeners just a little bit more, I like to 590 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,760 Speaker 1: share a little bit of stats. So about ten fifteen 591 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:34,880 Speaker 1: and a hundred pregnancies will end in in miscarriage. That 592 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,520 Speaker 1: comes from March of Dimes. And it's also just a 593 00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:41,879 Speaker 1: status to let you know that you're not alone. UM. 594 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,920 Speaker 1: Miscarriage in the second trimester, which is between thirteen and 595 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:49,080 Speaker 1: nineteen weeks, happens to also about one to five in 596 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:54,200 Speaker 1: every one hundred pregnancies, and about fifty percent of miscarriages 597 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:58,160 Speaker 1: are associated with extra or missing chromosomes. So just be 598 00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:01,440 Speaker 1: sure that it if you're trying to get pregnant, you're 599 00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:03,480 Speaker 1: going to the doctor, You're getting all of the right 600 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:06,960 Speaker 1: tests UM that needs to be taken. And also just 601 00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:10,960 Speaker 1: be there for for your friends. UM. Women do go 602 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,080 Speaker 1: through a lot. And Lindsay is actually a friend of 603 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:16,320 Speaker 1: mine dating back to high school. We went to prom 604 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:20,000 Speaker 1: together and to know that in our adult years she 605 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:23,239 Speaker 1: went through such a traumatic experience, UM, it was a 606 00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:26,480 Speaker 1: lot for me to listen to. UM. You know, we've 607 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,760 Speaker 1: both been living our lives since graduating high school, and 608 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:35,000 Speaker 1: I know that she's been an advocate um for for 609 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:38,319 Speaker 1: this issue amongst women, and so to to hear that 610 00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:41,840 Speaker 1: she experienced this UM was just a lot. So please 611 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:45,920 Speaker 1: just be there for your friends. UM. And again, guys, 612 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:47,959 Speaker 1: I want to thank you guys for tuning in. Don't 613 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:53,719 Speaker 1: forget to subscribe, rate share with your friends again. This 614 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,680 Speaker 1: is the periods. This podcast once again brought to you 615 00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:59,600 Speaker 1: by the official box owner. This is your host, Mandy 616 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,600 Speaker 1: B and I am dining out until next time.