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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts, where we

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Speaker 1: focus on all things mental health, personal development, and all

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Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best

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Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To find more information

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Speaker 1: and to get resources, visit the website at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love

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Speaker 1: listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not

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Speaker 1: meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a

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Speaker 1: licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, welcome to session seven

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Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me again this week. So, as I

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Speaker 1: mentioned before, or May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and

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Speaker 1: in honor of this all month long, we'll be discussing relationships.

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Speaker 1: So last week we discussed friendships, and this week, in

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Speaker 1: honor of Mother's Day coming up this weekend, we'll be

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Speaker 1: discussing relationships with mom. So I want to also make

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Speaker 1: sure that I say a very happy Mother's Day to

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Speaker 1: all the moms out there, and want to make sure

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Speaker 1: to send us special healing and positive thoughts to those

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Speaker 1: who may be struggling with grief related to losing mom,

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Speaker 1: are struggling with a strained relationship with your mom. So

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Speaker 1: today I have a very special guest joining me for

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Speaker 1: the No Copain Needed segment and we're going to be

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Speaker 1: talking about strained mother daughter relationships. So today we are

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Speaker 1: joined by Dr Pamela Thompson. She is a psychologist, professional

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Speaker 1: life coach, speaker, and owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives.

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Speaker 1: She has provided mental health services for individuals, couples, women's groups,

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Speaker 1: and inmates since six She is also the author of

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Speaker 1: Surviving Mama, an adult daughter's guide to overcoming strained mother

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Speaker 1: daughter relationships, a work for which she earned a role

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Speaker 1: in a therapeutic movie featured in Jewish film festivals worldwide

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Speaker 1: entitled Look at Us Now Mother. She is most proud

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Speaker 1: to participate in the network of providers associated with the

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Speaker 1: nationally syndicated radio show New Life Live, which has guided

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Speaker 1: her ability to integrate her clinical skills and knowledge with

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Speaker 1: a biblical worldview for those who desire such. Her greatest

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Speaker 1: passions include serving as a vessel for healing the wounded

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Speaker 1: and broken hearted, as well as an illuminator of others

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Speaker 1: hidden gifts and talents. Dr Thompson seeks to encourage and

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Speaker 1: inspire others as a priority. She is a frequent presenter

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Speaker 1: at community forums and workshops. She also deeply enjoys debunking

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Speaker 1: the myth that psychology is just for crazy people, and

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Speaker 1: has been sought out by media outlets across the country

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Speaker 1: to help her to do such including Discovery, Fit and Health,

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Speaker 1: Sesame Street, and the Oprah Winfrey Network. Dr Thompson is

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Speaker 1: a rare native at Lantern and was educated at the

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Speaker 1: University of Georgia and Journalism and Public Relations and at

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Speaker 1: the Georgia School of Professional Psychology, where she earned her

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Speaker 1: doctorate in clinical psychology. So I've had the opportunity to

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Speaker 1: see Dr Thompson speak and have um dinner in lunch

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Speaker 1: with her when she spoke at the University of Georgia,

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Speaker 1: and can tell you that she is absolutely one of

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Speaker 1: the loveliest people you will ever meet. So I definitely

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Speaker 1: think you will enjoy this conversation and hope that you

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Speaker 1: find it helpful and healing if you are in need

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Speaker 1: of such. So thank you so much for agreeing to

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Speaker 1: talk with me, Dr Thompson. I'm very excited to have

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Speaker 1: you on the podcast today. Thank you so much. You know,

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Speaker 1: I'm delighted to be here absolutely so. I know I

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Speaker 1: shared with you by email. UM, but Reviving Mama is

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Speaker 1: like one of my absolute favorite books I recommended to

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Speaker 1: clients all the time, UM, and so definitely in honor

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Speaker 1: of Mother's Day and you know, sometimes the difficult relationships

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Speaker 1: we have with mothers, I wanted to have you on

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Speaker 1: the podcast. So can you tell me a little bit

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Speaker 1: about what inspired you to write Surviving Mama? Yes, so,

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Speaker 1: I'll make this as brief as I can. UM. In

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Speaker 1: a nutshell, I was aware of that myself and several

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Speaker 1: of my girlfriends as we we got older and processed more,

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Speaker 1: reflected on more, we all began to see some challenges

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Speaker 1: in our mother daughter relationships and we began to realize

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Speaker 1: of again as the years went by, that those challenges

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Speaker 1: were persistent and they weren't likely to change. And so that,

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Speaker 1: in combination with the fact that I have a private

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Speaker 1: practice that where I cater to women significantly and have

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Speaker 1: interview thousands of women in my career, at this point,

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Speaker 1: I also began to see the same patterns hangs together

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Speaker 1: in my clients, and so I I just felt compelled

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Speaker 1: to write a topic I mean to write a book

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Speaker 1: on the topic because it was so prevalent in the

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Speaker 1: in the progression of a woman's life, and usually the

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Speaker 1: change is necessary for the relationship to be UM to

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Speaker 1: continue to be loving and peace field, we're going to

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Speaker 1: have to take place in the adult daughter as opposed

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Speaker 1: to the mom. So as that became a real focus

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Speaker 1: for me and UM. At the time I wrote the book,

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Speaker 1: my my mother was living with us at for for

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Speaker 1: for the last five years of her life and social path,

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Speaker 1: so I had I had ample fresh data that would

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Speaker 1: you know, just sort of remind me about how important

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Speaker 1: this topic was and how it needed to be treated

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Speaker 1: with effect. Because the whole idea was really to figure

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Speaker 1: out how you could honor your mother more so as

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Speaker 1: opposed to get into this place of bashing her and

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Speaker 1: not making the attempt to even understand her any longer.

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Speaker 1: So can you talk about and you do an excellent

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Speaker 1: job of this in the book. Can you talk about

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Speaker 1: some of the cultural pieces that might make it difficult

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Speaker 1: for black women to set boundaries with or to describe

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Speaker 1: the relationship with mama as unhealthy. Yes, Unfortunately, in the

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Speaker 1: African American culture, there is this epidemic of single moms,

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Speaker 1: and I think maybe the latest statistic is somewhere hovering

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Speaker 1: in the low seventies, low seventies uh percent of women

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Speaker 1: who are raising their children alone. Um. And so there

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Speaker 1: is a a strained dynamic that is inherent in that

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Speaker 1: type of setup only because one woman can't do it

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Speaker 1: all and she gets tired, and she's stressed, and she's preoccupied,

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Speaker 1: and she's trying to wear two hats and one of

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Speaker 1: those hats shouldn't be a hat that she has to wear,

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Speaker 1: one needs to wear, and so um, the strain in

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Speaker 1: that kind of set up for the mother is is extraordinary.

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Speaker 1: And so while there are women who do it every

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Speaker 1: day and many who do it extraordinarily well. And I

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Speaker 1: do believe that most mothers do the very best that

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Speaker 1: they can with what they have at the time, that's

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Speaker 1: the key phrase. With what they have at the time

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Speaker 1: with them, money, patients, relationship with God, uh, you know,

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Speaker 1: character building experiences, all that. Um. Nevertheless, there are some

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Speaker 1: inherent voids in the setup of a single parent household

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Speaker 1: that make it I think a recipe for a more

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Speaker 1: strained relationship potentially between the mother and Dora. And you also,

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Speaker 1: UM talk a lot about um, you know, just the

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Speaker 1: reverence that we give to mothers in most in most

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Speaker 1: society culture, but I think there's a particular reverence in

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Speaker 1: the African American culture related to mom. Yeah. Can you

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Speaker 1: talk more about that. Yes, I'm so glad you said that,

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Speaker 1: because that is the other part of the story. Um. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: because when you only have one parent, um, she has

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Speaker 1: to be your everything. And so there is a tendency

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Speaker 1: in our communities to confuse Mama with God and to

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Speaker 1: think of her as your only provider, your only caretaker.

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Speaker 1: You're only um person who is capable of loving you unconditionally,

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Speaker 1: and in many cases she is that, but she feels

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Speaker 1: not God. And so we UH considerate taboo generally speaking

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Speaker 1: to even say or have a thought that is about

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Speaker 1: Mama not necessarily being uh as mature as I would

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Speaker 1: like her to be, or as in my corner as

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Speaker 1: i would like her to be, or as available for

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Speaker 1: me as I'd like her to be, because it seems

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Speaker 1: mean spirited or or selfish. And so people can just

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Speaker 1: be a gas at the very idea that one would

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Speaker 1: verbalize something negative about your mother because she is on

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Speaker 1: a pedestal and um, she hasn't do it a lot,

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Speaker 1: and she has had to sacrifice a lot, and and everybody, uh,

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Speaker 1: I think gets that to a certain extent, But that

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Speaker 1: still does not mean that she is God. And so

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Speaker 1: we get that confused, and we'll be serving at the

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Speaker 1: altar of Mama instead of at the altar of the

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Speaker 1: almighty God. And there is there's always a problem there,

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Speaker 1: there's always a recipe for some kind of destruction to

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Speaker 1: come out of that. That's a very powerful image, like

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Speaker 1: serving at the altar of Mama as opposed to our

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Speaker 1: higher higher power. Yes, and what the answer with the

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Speaker 1: means actually is that if Mama said it, it must

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Speaker 1: be right. And if Mama did it to than the

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Speaker 1: right thing to do, unquestionable, unquestionably. And so because there's uh,

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Speaker 1: there's a hesitation to challenge her judgment. Um, we can

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Speaker 1: be going down the wrong road just because Mama said

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Speaker 1: it was right. And so unless we get outside of

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Speaker 1: our family box and outside of our our discomforts with

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Speaker 1: challenging her and and status and the status quo that

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Speaker 1: she brings to decision making and problem solving, um, we

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Speaker 1: may not ever know that, you know what, there is

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Speaker 1: another way to look at this, or there is actually

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Speaker 1: a way that represents absolute truth if you are a

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Speaker 1: student of the Bible, or there is, you know, um

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Speaker 1: an alternative perspective that is worthy of as much respect

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Speaker 1: as I give to my mother's perspective. So if we

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Speaker 1: just stay in the family box and we never differentiate

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Speaker 1: from Mama and them as we say in the South,

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Speaker 1: and what people think about Mama in that particular, sir, goal,

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Speaker 1: and her teaching and her precepts, then we could forever

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Speaker 1: be making uh decisions from a distorted place and making

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Speaker 1: decisions for our lives that are actually based on lives

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Speaker 1: and untruth and not on God's absolute truth. So can

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Speaker 1: you talk some about some of the reasons why Mama

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Speaker 1: may have um some issues going on that may make

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Speaker 1: it difficult to be in relationship with her. Yes, And

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Speaker 1: I think this is where I try, and both very

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Speaker 1: much so to not make this about bashing Mama, but

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Speaker 1: about understand more profoundly and and just more deeply. And

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Speaker 1: so I guess I'll just use my own mom as

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Speaker 1: an example to best illustrate an answer to what you

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Speaker 1: have asked. My mother was was a very anxious woman.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I loved her death. She clearly loved me,

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Speaker 1: and you know, it wasn't about a lack of love

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Speaker 1: in our relationship. Um. But she had been one of

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Speaker 1: ten children, and she was the ninth of those ten children,

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Speaker 1: and they were very poor, and they had survived the

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Speaker 1: Great Depression of the thirties, and her father had died

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Speaker 1: of untreated diabetes when she was a toddler. And her

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Speaker 1: mother was a domestic worker and had to work six

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Speaker 1: days a week, and and so there's so typically in

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Speaker 1: particularly in the Southern African American family, there are lots

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Speaker 1: of children, lots of children, so there may be it's

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Speaker 1: it's it's common for for that generation that my mother

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Speaker 1: belonged to to be one of nineteen eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.

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Speaker 1: And so the priority of the day was around eating

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Speaker 1: and surviving and just getting through the basic tasks of

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Speaker 1: the day. And so there wasn't a lot of time

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Speaker 1: to sit down and help you grow and develop as

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Speaker 1: an individual and and play patty Cake and you know

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Speaker 1: here about all the ups and downs of your day.

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Speaker 1: And uh, you know, let me facilitate you and your

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Speaker 1: girlfriends um getting together and having a special you know

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Speaker 1: day in the park. I mean, it just wasn't a

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Speaker 1: lot of time and energy, but that kind of thing

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Speaker 1: not to mention the history of racism and the survival

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Speaker 1: required around that. And so in my mother's case, she

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Speaker 1: had an older sister who became pregnant when she was

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Speaker 1: in high school, which was extremely taboo for the family,

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Speaker 1: and her sister could no longer continue schooling, and so

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Speaker 1: she had to drop out of school and get a job.

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Speaker 1: And so my mother, as a preteen, had to become

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Speaker 1: her niece's caretake on and so that meant that she

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Speaker 1: could not socialize with her peers because she had to

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Speaker 1: go home and see about her niece. So I'm saying

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Speaker 1: all this to say, to make a losstery short, that

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Speaker 1: because she was preoccupied was becoming a caretaker for her

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Speaker 1: her child when she was only thirteen or so, she

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Speaker 1: missed a lot of her developmental mouthstones in developing a

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Speaker 1: healthy social life with peters. And so she wasn't going

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Speaker 1: to the movies or you know, hanging out after school

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Speaker 1: or whatever it may have been the case, because she

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Speaker 1: had to go home. And so that stunted her ability

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Speaker 1: to have easy and comfortable social relationships the rest of

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Speaker 1: her life. And so there was a lot that I

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Speaker 1: didn't understand about her reclusive ways and her anxieties and

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Speaker 1: her downright fears of people. That um, that was something

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Speaker 1: for me to deal with growing up, because I was

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Speaker 1: just the opposite. I was always very easy and comfortable

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Speaker 1: with people. And so I think her story, while it

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Speaker 1: is unique to her, is not um an uncommon one

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Speaker 1: in the sense that when there are large families, as

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Speaker 1: we typically have in American African American stuth um, or

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Speaker 1: when there are conditions of a Russians and um, just

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Speaker 1: you know, intense pressure on a family to do what

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Speaker 1: they can to survive, it stands to reason that a

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Speaker 1: lot of folks are gonna leave home without having really

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Speaker 1: developed a sense of self and a sense of comfort

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Speaker 1: with self. And the other thing I think that can

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Speaker 1: can be pervasive in our families historically is that that um,

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Speaker 1: that emotional piece, that softer, kinder, gentler tone of voice,

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Speaker 1: and the allowance for feelings to come to the surface

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Speaker 1: and be expressed. Uh, you know, and our families can

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Speaker 1: be sorely lacking. And so when new generations come along

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Speaker 1: and they have a different emotional vocabulary and they're living

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Speaker 1: at a different time with different expectations, there is a

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Speaker 1: cultural class and a clash and a generational gap between

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Speaker 1: mothers and daughters where they really struggle to understand each

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Speaker 1: other because we come from different times and places and

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Speaker 1: there are different priorities placed on those um on those

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Speaker 1: environments in which each grew up in. And so what

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Speaker 1: we're looking at each other like like you know dogs

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Speaker 1: do when they don't understand something, and they kind of

257
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Speaker 1: tilt their head to the side, like huh, it just

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Speaker 1: won't compute, and so they'll be all kinds of clashes

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Speaker 1: when really what we need is a little deeper understanding. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And that's one of the things I think you do

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Speaker 1: so beautifully in the book is that there is no

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Speaker 1: mom bashing. It really is about helping to facilitate these

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Speaker 1: deeper conversations and really understanding some of the context for

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Speaker 1: why some moms have acted and behaved in the ways

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Speaker 1: that they have. Yes, Yes, And I think when we

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Speaker 1: can understand that, at least we may not be able

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Speaker 1: to change it. And and that's one of the things

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Speaker 1: I don't think I actually say this in the book,

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Speaker 1: but I've said it in many a talk, is that

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Speaker 1: we can't change mama, but we can change the way

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Speaker 1: we process her. So instead of expecting her to be

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Speaker 1: somebody who should have known how to love me, and

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Speaker 1: you'd have known how to communicate with me, and shame

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Speaker 1: on her that she didn't get me and she didn't,

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Speaker 1: she didn't play peddicaid with me, and she didn't tell

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Speaker 1: me she loved me, and she keeps me in my

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Speaker 1: forehead when I needed to be kissed and she didn't.

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Speaker 1: She didn't, she didn't. Instead of just continuing to go

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Speaker 1: down that lane, Um, it helps to understand that we

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Speaker 1: were likely expecting something from my mother's that they were

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Speaker 1: incapable of delivering. They were not equipped to deliver whatever

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Speaker 1: that unique thing was that you think you needed in

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Speaker 1: your childhood and in your growth. And I think it

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Speaker 1: also helps to balance that against the fact that nobody

285
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Speaker 1: gets perfect parents and nobody gets perfect childhood, and people

286
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Speaker 1: buying laws do the best they can with what they

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Speaker 1: have to get up and so it becomes incumbent upon

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Speaker 1: us to get those needs met in other ways and

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Speaker 1: through other people and give give mama break. So you've

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Speaker 1: already kind of alluded to some of this, But how

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Speaker 1: can somebody begin to identify the unhealthy dynamics that may

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Speaker 1: exist in the relationship with their mom and what can

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Speaker 1: they do to address the issues. Yeah, that's a great question,

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Speaker 1: and it it does move us in the direction of

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Speaker 1: actually solving a problem or dilemma as opposed to staying

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Speaker 1: in this place of complaint and grief and misery and

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Speaker 1: blame and all that unforgiveness. Let me just put influences

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Speaker 1: on that unforgiveness, because that certainly works against the one

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Speaker 1: who holds the unforgiveness. And so, um, one of the

300
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Speaker 1: things that I found, and I continue to find across

301
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Speaker 1: the board and in my my clients and friends and whatnot,

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Speaker 1: is that the common thread seems to be that the

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Speaker 1: mother has at some point stopped growing, and she has

304
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Speaker 1: stopped living, She has stopped developed in her own friendships,

305
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Speaker 1: her own hobbies, her own interest, and she now as

306
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Speaker 1: she gets older, depends almost exclusively on the daughter or

307
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Speaker 1: certain family members to meet all of her needs. And

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Speaker 1: let's let's just say one daughter offenses and this is

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Speaker 1: this is exactly what happened with my mother. In fact,

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Speaker 1: she depended on me to be her her confidant, her girlfriend,

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Speaker 1: her shopping buddy, her her you know, her interpreter for

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Speaker 1: the world. And um, you know no one person can

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Speaker 1: meet the need of any other human being, and so

314
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:39,280
Speaker 1: that's always a recipe for disaster. And so that's that's

315
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Speaker 1: one thing to recognize. Is there a way that I

316
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Speaker 1: can uh connect my mother to other outlets, other social

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00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:51,200
Speaker 1: outlets she might be able to receive from slowly but surely,

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Speaker 1: where some of this pressure is taken off of me

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Speaker 1: to be her one and only outlet and interpreter of

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Speaker 1: the world. UM. The other thing is, I think daughters

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Speaker 1: who become UM almost exclusively focused on what they didn't

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Speaker 1: get from their mothers, and they lose sight of all

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Speaker 1: the things they did get. And I would like to

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Speaker 1: think that as we all get older, and particularly people

325
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Speaker 1: in our field as psychologists who really do get to

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Speaker 1: see firsthand what horristic mothering looks like and get to

327
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,680
Speaker 1: see what abuse has done to people, and what abandonment

328
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,320
Speaker 1: has done and neglect has done, and and then you

329
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,200
Speaker 1: look at your mom and you want to just run

330
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Speaker 1: and just thank her, you know, just thank you for

331
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Speaker 1: all that you did and all that you were UM,

332
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Speaker 1: because at least I was safe, or at least I

333
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Speaker 1: was educated, or at least I was cared for, at

334
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Speaker 1: least I was closed at least I, you know, I

335
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,040
Speaker 1: had a stable home. Whatever the circumstances may be, there

336
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:57,439
Speaker 1: are some wonderful things that she very likely imparted to

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Speaker 1: you and UM that guide you and make you the

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00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,639
Speaker 1: worthwhile human being that you are today. So we do

339
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,280
Speaker 1: have to change the focus are from the what I

340
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Speaker 1: didn't get to the what I did get and very

341
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Speaker 1: likely that lists out numbers be what I didn't get,

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00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:18,520
Speaker 1: UM list hands down. UM. I think in a nutshell,

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Speaker 1: those would be the two things that the daughter has

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00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:24,760
Speaker 1: to adjust for expectations and the mother UM has to

345
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,040
Speaker 1: be encouraged to develop some other social outlets outside of

346
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Speaker 1: the daughter. So you you did talk about um, you know,

347
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,840
Speaker 1: kind of mom wanting the daughter to be everything um

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Speaker 1: and really how that sets up an unhealthy dynamic? Are

349
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,199
Speaker 1: there other themes like that that might exist that you know,

350
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Speaker 1: like if if if someone's listening and thinking like, oh, well,

351
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Speaker 1: is this is an unhealthy dynamic that I had with

352
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Speaker 1: my mom? Are there other things like that that you

353
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,760
Speaker 1: could point them to, like besides just the mom needing

354
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,760
Speaker 1: them to be like their shopping buddy and their confid

355
00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:03,040
Speaker 1: down and everything. Yes, um, yes, there So if we

356
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,800
Speaker 1: keep drilling down on that. On that question, I think

357
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,639
Speaker 1: one of the other things that daughters do is you

358
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,639
Speaker 1: keep hoping that one day your mother is going to

359
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,840
Speaker 1: get it, and you prepare to have these talks with

360
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Speaker 1: her and these you know, these coming to Jesus moments

361
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,720
Speaker 1: where you think, if I just tell my truths and

362
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,800
Speaker 1: unveil myself to her, she's gonna someday, you know, get it,

363
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,800
Speaker 1: and you know, throw these apologies and this remorse at

364
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,440
Speaker 1: me that I've always been longing for and waiting for.

365
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:38,720
Speaker 1: And unfortunately, unless you have quite the mature mother who

366
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:43,120
Speaker 1: is quite open um to growing and learning and hearing,

367
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,680
Speaker 1: that's not happening. That's that's just not coming. And because

368
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,360
Speaker 1: mothering is such a hard job, it's the hardest job

369
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,920
Speaker 1: on the planet. Um, you know, it's very difficult for

370
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:59,199
Speaker 1: mother to even process that, Um, wow, I did all

371
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:03,240
Speaker 1: these things wrong, and I should, you know, apologize to you.

372
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,400
Speaker 1: When you think about the countless hours that they spent

373
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:10,400
Speaker 1: making sacrifices for you, you know, it's hard and if not,

374
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Speaker 1: if not an next to impossible for them to receive

375
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,120
Speaker 1: that kind of feedback. So I would say, don't expect

376
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:19,760
Speaker 1: all these things from her that she's not able to deliver. Um.

377
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:21,680
Speaker 1: My phrase of that in the book is we've got

378
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,720
Speaker 1: to stop expecting an elephant to me out, because elephants

379
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,800
Speaker 1: dont me out. You know, cats me out, dogs bark,

380
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:32,400
Speaker 1: and cow's move, and so we're not shocked when cats

381
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,720
Speaker 1: me out and dogs bark because that's what they do,

382
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,760
Speaker 1: that's what their nature is, that's what their character is.

383
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,040
Speaker 1: So we shouldn't be shocked. Likewise, when a mother who

384
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,680
Speaker 1: is self absorbed and self absorbed, or when a mother

385
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,080
Speaker 1: who's an alcoholic is an alcoholic, or when a mother

386
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:52,080
Speaker 1: who is a complainer complains, we shouldn't be shocked because

387
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:55,720
Speaker 1: they're in character. And I will literally say that to

388
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,320
Speaker 1: people too. I suggest to people that you literally say

389
00:23:58,359 --> 00:24:00,280
Speaker 1: that out loud when they do what they you, that

390
00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:04,200
Speaker 1: you would say, oh, that's right, that's right, she's in character. Okay,

391
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:08,280
Speaker 1: let me not be shocked and let me not expect

392
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:12,800
Speaker 1: something different to happen today, because this is who she is.

393
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:17,960
Speaker 1: That's one thing UM I think, UM, you know boundaries.

394
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,040
Speaker 1: Daughters have to learn how to set boundaries, and you

395
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,120
Speaker 1: have to learn how to stand up to her. So

396
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,680
Speaker 1: I think one of the big mistakes daughters make UM

397
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 1: is not developing themselves as well, where they can get

398
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 1: comforted and have giggles and lasts and in a full

399
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,440
Speaker 1: life outside of what's happening in their relationship with mother,

400
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,880
Speaker 1: where where her antics don't affect it affect them as much.

401
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:45,359
Speaker 1: You gotta have some fuel in the tank. And many

402
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,160
Speaker 1: of us um will look to somebody to blame. Why

403
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 1: not Mom, for that's the fact that my life didn't blossom,

404
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,879
Speaker 1: or you know, I'm unhappy, or I never was able

405
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,240
Speaker 1: to date or find a man or whatever. We has

406
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:04,480
Speaker 1: Mom this or that, and and when we stopped blaming

407
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:08,080
Speaker 1: her for you know, how she may have impacted our

408
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:11,840
Speaker 1: life development, we set ourselves free to go about the

409
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:16,280
Speaker 1: business of attracting friends, people, places, and circumstances into our

410
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,760
Speaker 1: life that give us that fuel in the trank, so

411
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,680
Speaker 1: that when we do right up against that brig wall

412
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 1: that Mom can sometimes present, we're not as affected by it.

413
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,720
Speaker 1: It's like, Okay, I just had a little you know,

414
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,840
Speaker 1: bumping the road, but it didn't shut me down where

415
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,639
Speaker 1: I had to throw a temper tantrum and scream and

416
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:41,399
Speaker 1: yell and shout or be devastated that once again she

417
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,240
Speaker 1: didn't give me what I thought she should have those.

418
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,520
Speaker 1: There are some great suggestions like times and thank you

419
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:49,920
Speaker 1: so much for that. So what would you say? Or

420
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 1: I want to get your thoughts on this, um. So

421
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,399
Speaker 1: you know, let's say a daughter has tried all of

422
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 1: these things, has tried to have these conversations, has tried

423
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,560
Speaker 1: to set boundaries, you know, has tried kind of endless

424
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 1: amounts of strategies to have a healthier dynamic with mom,

425
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:08,040
Speaker 1: and just still feels like it's not going anywhere. Um.

426
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:10,320
Speaker 1: Do you feel like there's ever a point where it

427
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:16,640
Speaker 1: might be necessary to cut ties with your mother? You know, yes,

428
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,640
Speaker 1: in a nutshell, is the answer. And I say that,

429
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:26,880
Speaker 1: m very um ah with great caution, because I do

430
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:31,160
Speaker 1: know that it is the right thing to do, the honorable,

431
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,800
Speaker 1: the correct thing to do, the biblical thing to do

432
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,720
Speaker 1: to honor your mother. And I think you know, this

433
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 1: sort of touches on the last question as well, that

434
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:43,840
Speaker 1: many of us get that confused that honoring mother what

435
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:47,160
Speaker 1: that looks like as an adult. So as an adult,

436
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,399
Speaker 1: it doesn't look like obeying her. It doesn't look like

437
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,760
Speaker 1: saying yes to everything that she says or suggests for

438
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,800
Speaker 1: your life or wants you to do for her today. Um,

439
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,880
Speaker 1: that is, that's not what honoring her looks like. In men,

440
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,480
Speaker 1: any of us get that confused, and we exhaust ourselves.

441
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:08,320
Speaker 1: We deplete ourselves trying to please this person who makes

442
00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 1: these you know, sort of always capable. Let me just say,

443
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:16,360
Speaker 1: in some relationships with making some narcissistic demands upon our time,

444
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:20,480
Speaker 1: our energy, our money, you know everything, and so resentment

445
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,240
Speaker 1: can easily set up. And um, this is why I

446
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,119
Speaker 1: say all the boundaries are our friends. We have to

447
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,800
Speaker 1: learn how to say no, even to mama. We have

448
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,680
Speaker 1: to learn how to prioritize our time and and learn

449
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,000
Speaker 1: really what it means to honor mother. So if you've

450
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,040
Speaker 1: got a mother, and unfortunately there are many women who do,

451
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:42,040
Speaker 1: in my heart always goes out to them. I feel

452
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,760
Speaker 1: like they get especially left out at Mother's Day. Um,

453
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,399
Speaker 1: with all the beautiful and glowing things that people have

454
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,680
Speaker 1: to say about moms, And I always am aware that

455
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,920
Speaker 1: there are those who are within earshot of those wonderful

456
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:58,240
Speaker 1: sermons who are like, wow, that has not been my experience.

457
00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: And so I um have, oh my goodness, and boatload

458
00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:04,360
Speaker 1: of stories like that on my belt. And so yes,

459
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,720
Speaker 1: there there are some mothers out there that are really

460
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:13,040
Speaker 1: really toxic and really dangerous for uh you know, uh

461
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:20,280
Speaker 1: being an instrument of developing anybody's character or um confidence

462
00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:26,440
Speaker 1: in the world, or just uh you know, helping people

463
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 1: feel a sense of love and connection. There are some

464
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,960
Speaker 1: mothers who work against that at every single solitary term.

465
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 1: So what I say in the book and frequently in

466
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,920
Speaker 1: my practice is that some people you have to learn

467
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 1: how to love from afar and I mean, you know,

468
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,520
Speaker 1: praying for that individual. I would always suggest that be

469
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 1: that be on uh that be number one on the list,

470
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:55,480
Speaker 1: that prayer would be a consistent way of communicating on

471
00:28:55,640 --> 00:29:00,240
Speaker 1: behalf of your mother and also sending to be a

472
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,760
Speaker 1: card every now and the end, it just says, hey,

473
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 1: thinking about you saw something you know at the store

474
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:11,200
Speaker 1: today that made me, you know, remember a favorite time

475
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,800
Speaker 1: that we had and just wanted to say hey, in

476
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:16,680
Speaker 1: touch base and send a card or as you feel

477
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 1: able or lad maybe sending money when you can if

478
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:24,240
Speaker 1: you can. And so finding ways like that to stay

479
00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:28,800
Speaker 1: connected to a woman who gave you life, I think

480
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 1: can be extremely necessary and important for some women who

481
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 1: have unusually toxic mothers. And of course you're talking to

482
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,720
Speaker 1: somebody who has done a lot of work in women's prisons.

483
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:43,760
Speaker 1: In fact, I do some work still at a women's

484
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,360
Speaker 1: prison in zebul And, Georgia. And so, I mean I've

485
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:50,120
Speaker 1: talked with women whose mother's introduced them to prostitution or

486
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:54,600
Speaker 1: introduced them to crack, or watch them be sexually violated

487
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:59,640
Speaker 1: by a boyfriend or you know, gave them their first uh,

488
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:03,800
Speaker 1: I don't know, their first joint and you know, which

489
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:07,480
Speaker 1: led to them having problems with addiction on and off.

490
00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:10,440
Speaker 1: And I mean I've talked to some really just wow,

491
00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:14,800
Speaker 1: just some stories that just make you ache with uh,

492
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,120
Speaker 1: compassion for what somebody has gone through. So there are

493
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:22,720
Speaker 1: some people out there that are extremely dangerous and yet nevertheless,

494
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,800
Speaker 1: this is the woman that gave you life. And there

495
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:29,080
Speaker 1: are there are reasons why God would have you come

496
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:32,640
Speaker 1: through that particular vessel. And I talked about that a

497
00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:34,720
Speaker 1: little bit at the end of the book. It would

498
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 1: you like me to elaborate on that some of those reasons. Yeah,

499
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:42,880
Speaker 1: So I would just say, as as I can say

500
00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:44,560
Speaker 1: at the end of the book, that people come you know,

501
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: there's a bigger, bigger plan and and and releasing our

502
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,920
Speaker 1: own thoughts, our own limited thoughts about what that plan

503
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:57,040
Speaker 1: is is part of healing. And so in my particular

504
00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:00,239
Speaker 1: case with my mother, who was very reclusive and who

505
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,800
Speaker 1: was very very different from me, very very different. Um.

506
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:07,360
Speaker 1: One of the one of the blessings of that, and

507
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,600
Speaker 1: that's what I encouraged people to do, is to always

508
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,160
Speaker 1: look for the silver lining. What is the silver lining

509
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:15,719
Speaker 1: as to, you know, what, why can I get out

510
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:19,720
Speaker 1: of this relationship that had some real shortcomings for me?

511
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 1: And for me it was that, UM, I very much

512
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: learned how to interact with people who are very different

513
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:30,680
Speaker 1: from me and to have um, you know, compassion for

514
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 1: people who were very very different and had very different

515
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 1: experiences than ideas, such as I had to do with

516
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:41,480
Speaker 1: my mom. Um. So that's one of the ways that

517
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 1: she blessed me with her differences. And you know, those

518
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 1: differences used to cause us a lot of a lot

519
00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:51,880
Speaker 1: of ankst. Um. She also had a lot of health problems.

520
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:55,640
Speaker 1: And she was a junk food junkie. She was a

521
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 1: Southern cook. She loved to cook, and she's a great cook,

522
00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 1: and she also loved junk food. And she got older

523
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 1: and so um, she had all the health problems. And

524
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:07,240
Speaker 1: so I got to witness that as a child, like

525
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,800
Speaker 1: we would be in and out of the hospital with

526
00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:14,920
Speaker 1: this ailment or this thing and uh. And so today

527
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:18,040
Speaker 1: I am very health conscious because my mother taught me

528
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:22,280
Speaker 1: indelibly the way not to eat, by the way that

529
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,480
Speaker 1: she lived her life. Inadvertently, that was the message for me,

530
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:29,560
Speaker 1: don't go that way because I've seen where that path goes.

531
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:33,720
Speaker 1: Let's go this way because I want to choose something differently.

532
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:36,320
Speaker 1: And so that is something I credit her for and

533
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:38,800
Speaker 1: honor her for today, that she taught me how not

534
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 1: to eat and how not to age in that way,

535
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 1: and I love her for it. So I think we

536
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:48,800
Speaker 1: can all do that if we dig deeply enough and

537
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:55,400
Speaker 1: look at how our lives took a certain turn. Specifically, specifically,

538
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:58,320
Speaker 1: I want to pronounce this on that word because of

539
00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:01,720
Speaker 1: what I modeled our mother's model for us or didn't

540
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:05,360
Speaker 1: model for us. Yeah, I think I think that that's

541
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,120
Speaker 1: really great insight. And you are kind of touching on

542
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:12,840
Speaker 1: um the final question, which is how do you think

543
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:16,560
Speaker 1: that healing can happen after you know somebody has had

544
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:20,200
Speaker 1: these difficult relationships with their mom, Like, what would healing

545
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:24,560
Speaker 1: begin to look like for a daughter? Well, I think

546
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:27,920
Speaker 1: for the adult, uh, daughter who is I repeat it

547
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:31,680
Speaker 1: maturing in her own right, because this healing does not

548
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:36,720
Speaker 1: happen without a maturing process taking place. And for me,

549
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:39,960
Speaker 1: because I have a faith based, faith based practice, also

550
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 1: a growing relationship in Christ and a prayer life that

551
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:50,360
Speaker 1: is blossoming and dedicated and consistent. Um. But anyway that

552
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 1: havn't been said, I would say, it's it's the notion

553
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:56,320
Speaker 1: of release. You know, I make a conscious effort of

554
00:33:56,520 --> 00:34:01,920
Speaker 1: releasing this person, uh from you know, any debt to me.

555
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 1: And uh, you know how the Lord's Prayer says, forgive

556
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:09,200
Speaker 1: us our debts, as we forgive our debt tours, and

557
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:12,920
Speaker 1: so you know, we forgive those who we think, you know,

558
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,000
Speaker 1: owe us something because really, at the end of the day,

559
00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:20,320
Speaker 1: particularly once you become a grown person, nobody owes you anything.

560
00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:26,040
Speaker 1: And so uh definitely that's the first step is releasing

561
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:30,960
Speaker 1: and realizing that you're wasting a lot of energy, um,

562
00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:37,960
Speaker 1: you know, nursing these old wounds and and wishing things

563
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:41,719
Speaker 1: would be different and and wishing she would get it.

564
00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:45,160
Speaker 1: And there's just so much lost energy in that. And

565
00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:49,040
Speaker 1: as I've already mentioned, um, we all are responsible for

566
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 1: living the fullest life that we can possibly live, and

567
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:57,120
Speaker 1: so uh, there's you know, as your life develops and

568
00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:59,839
Speaker 1: your friendship's blossom and you have a sense of per

569
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:03,360
Speaker 1: us in direction about your own life, the things of

570
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:08,040
Speaker 1: yesteryear or the hurts of yesteryear begin to hail in comparison,

571
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,520
Speaker 1: and then you certainly want to attract people into your

572
00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:14,960
Speaker 1: life who can help you with that healing process, because

573
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:19,239
Speaker 1: none of us lives a good life alone. And so

574
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,840
Speaker 1: that might mean therapy, which of course I would recommend,

575
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:28,400
Speaker 1: and that might need a new circle of friends, because

576
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:32,839
Speaker 1: you may find yourself stuff with some friends who continue

577
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:35,839
Speaker 1: to help you be agitated about what your mother did

578
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:41,120
Speaker 1: and continue to help you dwell in that negativity because

579
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:45,440
Speaker 1: they themselves need the company, you know, saying misery loves company.

580
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:47,400
Speaker 1: And so you may look up and say, you know,

581
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,960
Speaker 1: I need some new friends. I need some positive people

582
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:53,080
Speaker 1: who will understand what I've been through, but who will

583
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 1: not encourage me to stay in this place of resentment

584
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,800
Speaker 1: and unforgive this um. So, yeah, in a nutshell, that

585
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:07,279
Speaker 1: would be you know a few suggestions, perfect perfect, So

586
00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:12,719
Speaker 1: besides your book, are there other resources that you could

587
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:16,359
Speaker 1: offer to our audience about um kind of mother daughter

588
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:20,800
Speaker 1: relationships and things that may be helpful for them. I

589
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:26,600
Speaker 1: do know that New Life Ministries dot com is a

590
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:33,400
Speaker 1: network of Christian psychologists across the country, and I have

591
00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:38,200
Speaker 1: read so many of their resources which are just dripping

592
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:44,000
Speaker 1: with wisdom and healing guidance. And they do have a book.

593
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:47,000
Speaker 1: One of their folks wrote a book called The Mom Factor,

594
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 1: and um, I can't think of the author's name. But

595
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:53,879
Speaker 1: if if you go to that website of Google, New

596
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:57,440
Speaker 1: Life Ministries and go to their products section, they've just

597
00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:01,280
Speaker 1: got a plethora of resources, pay and books and whatnot.

598
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:03,600
Speaker 1: But one of the books is called The Mom Factor.

599
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:06,560
Speaker 1: And then they also have a series of books on

600
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:11,040
Speaker 1: boundaries which I consider to be the golden standard. One

601
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:15,440
Speaker 1: is called just plain Old Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud,

602
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:20,560
Speaker 1: and one is called well. They have others that won't

603
00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:23,840
Speaker 1: apply to this conversation boundaries and marriage boundaries and dating

604
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:28,319
Speaker 1: boundaries with kids, um, but the one just called boundaries

605
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 1: is what I consider a golden We have to learn

606
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:34,560
Speaker 1: how to set boundaries and to be a third ist,

607
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:38,520
Speaker 1: and to do so in love. And also there is

608
00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:41,520
Speaker 1: of course the Bible which changes your heart. You know,

609
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:45,759
Speaker 1: books and psychology and um, you know the things of

610
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:49,680
Speaker 1: the world that a man made are capable of helping

611
00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:53,959
Speaker 1: you to change your behavior and some of your thought processes.

612
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 1: But really it is the word of God that changes

613
00:37:56,640 --> 00:38:02,040
Speaker 1: your heart. And unless your heartest trans on um, it's

614
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,080
Speaker 1: easy to fall back on the same old faults and

615
00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:08,920
Speaker 1: the same old behaviors that became your safe haven once

616
00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:11,520
Speaker 1: upon a time in a distorted kind of way. So

617
00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:15,000
Speaker 1: it really is uh, it really is God's word that

618
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:17,319
Speaker 1: that gives you a new heart. As the Word says,

619
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: he will remove your heart of stone and give you

620
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:24,560
Speaker 1: a heart of flesh. So those would be my chief recommendations.

621
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:28,160
Speaker 1: So can you tell us where we can find you online?

622
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:31,640
Speaker 1: And is there any exciting news about any projects that

623
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:35,399
Speaker 1: you're working on that you would like to share with us? Yes,

624
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 1: I think so, So I can be found My website

625
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:41,960
Speaker 1: is dr pam Thompson dot com d r pam Thompson

626
00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:46,920
Speaker 1: dot com and I also have some videos on my

627
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:51,239
Speaker 1: website from my book Surviving Mama dot com, which I

628
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:54,560
Speaker 1: now know that mama is spelled a realion different ways,

629
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,040
Speaker 1: but the mama from my book it's spelled m A

630
00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:01,239
Speaker 1: m A Surviving Mama dot um. And I have some

631
00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:03,400
Speaker 1: video tapes on there that sort of elaborate on the

632
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:06,800
Speaker 1: things we talked about today and it was from television

633
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,680
Speaker 1: interview and on the horizon for me, I am about

634
00:39:10,719 --> 00:39:14,000
Speaker 1: to do as you and I discussed via email. I'm

635
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:17,719
Speaker 1: about to launch my uh podcast show which is going

636
00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:23,040
Speaker 1: to be called which is called Intentionally Free. And I

637
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 1: recorded my first episode a few days ago, and so

638
00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:29,759
Speaker 1: I hope to get that up and launched and all

639
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:34,400
Speaker 1: of that within the month of May. And um, I

640
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:38,840
Speaker 1: am running women's group in my office which also helps

641
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:42,799
Speaker 1: strengthen and support people in difficult relationships. And the one

642
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:45,760
Speaker 1: I'm running right now is called nine Things You Simply

643
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:49,919
Speaker 1: Must Do for Success in Life and Love, and we're

644
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:52,520
Speaker 1: going through that and I offer those groups periodically, so

645
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:55,640
Speaker 1: I'd love to have people join my mailing list so

646
00:39:55,840 --> 00:40:00,239
Speaker 1: I can send you any blast to announce these start

647
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:03,080
Speaker 1: of the next groups. And I'm working on my next book,

648
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:11,280
Speaker 1: and my next book is called Surviving Church. And as usually,

649
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:18,200
Speaker 1: the reaction as usual to reaction that I think now,

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00:40:18,239 --> 00:40:21,000
Speaker 1: I think you know very much like the Mama's situation.

651
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:25,080
Speaker 1: If you've been in church long enough, you probably um

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00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:28,400
Speaker 1: know somebody or have been somebody who has experienced a

653
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:33,240
Speaker 1: reality church wound, and it's you know, for some people,

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00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,480
Speaker 1: it pass them away from developing a relationship with God.

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00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,880
Speaker 1: It's one of those things again like Mama, like you

656
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 1: get the building of the church confused with a relationship

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00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:48,360
Speaker 1: with Jesus Christ, and so um. The book will be

658
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:50,560
Speaker 1: set up kind of like Surviving Mama, just you know,

659
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,960
Speaker 1: the true stories of people and what they experienced in

660
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:57,000
Speaker 1: their in their church wounding, and you know, I just

661
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,480
Speaker 1: so hope and pray I can get that done by

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00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,600
Speaker 1: the end of the year. That's my goal. So in

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00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:06,160
Speaker 1: a nutshell, yeah, that's what's going on. Absolutely well. We

664
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,879
Speaker 1: will definitely be on the lookout for both the podcasts

665
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 1: and the book. I think that those would be very

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00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:14,920
Speaker 1: exciting additions to you know, you're already awesome offering of

667
00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,440
Speaker 1: things that you have, so I really appreciate you sharing

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00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,319
Speaker 1: that with us. Thank you so much. Joy. It has

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00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:23,360
Speaker 1: been just such a delight to connect with you. You know,

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00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:25,239
Speaker 1: we gotta get together and just catch up and have

671
00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:27,960
Speaker 1: lunch because it's been a minute since we've had I've

672
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 1: had the pleasure of sitting down and talking to you.

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00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:32,600
Speaker 1: But it was it was love at first sight, audience,

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00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:39,799
Speaker 1: and I met Joy likewise likewise. So as you can tell,

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00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:43,360
Speaker 1: Dr Thompson is just a wealth of information and I

676
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:46,560
Speaker 1: think shared some very important perspectives for us to help

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00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:50,279
Speaker 1: maybe rethink and reframe some of the conversations and are

678
00:41:50,400 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 1: thinking around UM mother daughter relationships, particularly if they are strained.

679
00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:57,279
Speaker 1: So if you want to hear more or see more

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00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 1: from Dr Thompson, please make sure to check out her

681
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:02,560
Speaker 1: book Surviving Mama Again. A link to this will be

682
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:04,880
Speaker 1: in the show notes, and be on the lookout for

683
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:08,080
Speaker 1: her upcoming podcast. Make sure to check out the show

684
00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:12,080
Speaker 1: notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session seven,

685
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:15,440
Speaker 1: and please make sure to continue the conversation with us

686
00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 1: on social media. Make sure to use the hashtag tb

687
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,400
Speaker 1: G in session and you can find us on Twitter

688
00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:26,719
Speaker 1: at Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and you

689
00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:30,080
Speaker 1: can find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for

690
00:42:30,239 --> 00:42:33,960
Speaker 1: Black Girls. I'm looking forward to continuing this conversation with

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00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:36,279
Speaker 1: you real soon. Take good care,