WEBVTT - Dear Banya: Emotionally Charged 0:00:00.600 --> 0:00:04.840 Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:11.520 Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in. 0:00:12.640 --> 0:00:16.959 Scrub a dub dub in the tub tub time. 0:00:17.400 --> 0:00:23.360 We have a Dear Bonia episode, Dear Bonya. 0:00:21.440 --> 0:00:26.800 A dear Bonya filled with those seeking advice. 0:00:27.200 --> 0:00:30.440 People without wait want do we have people with. 0:00:31.880 --> 0:00:35.120 Kids that don't invite anonymous? 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:41.960 Yeah? We about the other law issues, weddings is a 0:00:42.080 --> 0:00:45.160 rough age, preach a men's sister. 0:00:45.159 --> 0:00:45.840 And there's more. 0:00:46.000 --> 0:00:47.000 There's more. 0:00:47.080 --> 0:00:48.479 Those are just some of the tops. 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:50.640 So I feel like, should we just jump right in 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:53.319 because we do have a lot of a lot of 0:00:53.440 --> 0:00:55.800 Dear Bonia's or did you have something to start the 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:56.360 episode with? 0:00:57.840 --> 0:01:03.320 No? My advice? I think I'm feeling particularly emotional today, 0:01:03.800 --> 0:01:06.479 so my advice might be a little emotionally charged, which 0:01:06.560 --> 0:01:07.920 might be good, might be bad. We'll see. 0:01:08.080 --> 0:01:13.640 Is emotionally charged like like uh cry emotional or angry emotional? 0:01:13.720 --> 0:01:14.600 It's a little bit of both. 0:01:15.120 --> 0:01:15.720 Interesting. 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:21.920 Yeah, Like I tried to go to uh great yoga class, 0:01:22.760 --> 0:01:24.800 great one. I was so excited about it, looking forward 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:27.720 to it since yesterday. Since I signed up, I'm two 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:30.679 minutes late to my class right now, yeah today, I'm 0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:33.479 two minutes late. Oh oh okay, and all the doors 0:01:33.480 --> 0:01:37.000 are locked. Doors are locked, can't get in. Call the 0:01:37.000 --> 0:01:41.200 front desk, no one's there. Sends you to Denver their headquarters. 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:44.720 So I just missed my class because I was two 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:49.559 minutes late. I was so irritated too a place to open, Yes, 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:53.200 but they apparently locked the doors once the instructor goes 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:55.920 into the class as so that no strangers can just 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:58.240 be like roaming around in the studio. I'm like, well, 0:01:58.240 --> 0:02:00.280 they got to have somebody at the front desk gives 0:02:00.280 --> 0:02:02.280 you a five minute grace period. I'm sorry a few 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:05.040 minutes late. You could see me on the videos outside 0:02:05.040 --> 0:02:07.400 of sor being like hello, like knocking. 0:02:08.480 --> 0:02:09.040 Here's the thing. 0:02:09.120 --> 0:02:11.280 Normally, if I was not emotional like I was Zack 0:02:11.360 --> 0:02:13.280 i am today, I would be like whatever, I'll go 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:15.280 on a walk or something. But I was fired up. 0:02:15.600 --> 0:02:16.960 Yeah, here's the thing. 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:19.960 I understand that when there's a specific time and people, 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:22.839 you know, people are going somewhere, But I do think 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:27.440 LA specifically, there's so much congestion and traffic here that's. 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:29.480 Arming Parting three. 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:32.680 I know, but I'm saying five minutes over, even if 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:35.560 they start with the stretch before you get there right, 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:37.800 which I know people are gonna be like, no, like 0:02:37.880 --> 0:02:40.720 you should plan accordingly and get there early enough to 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:41.200 be on time. 0:02:41.240 --> 0:02:45.400 But and I do, Yeah, but some things are not 0:02:45.440 --> 0:02:45.839 your day. 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:50.240 And build my coffee all over the table, so sweaped 0:02:50.280 --> 0:02:52.440 it and I was cleaning it and I knew I 0:02:52.520 --> 0:02:58.000 was gonna be late. Oh yeah, I'm like wound up today. 0:02:58.400 --> 0:03:01.600 Okay, yeah, a little nervous. 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:02.919 Red lightleyread lightly. 0:03:03.240 --> 0:03:07.359 Fred Lightley Easton, do you want to be our dear 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:08.520 Bonia reader today? 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:10.600 It would be an honor to be the reader today. 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:13.840 I can read and I'm excited to show that off today. 0:03:14.440 --> 0:03:17.720 This is from anonymous Hi, Mark Easton, Becca and Tanya. 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:20.600 I'm struggling. I have had a core group of three 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:23.160 friends since I was in fourth grade. I'm thirty four now. 0:03:23.440 --> 0:03:25.640 We've all taken different paths in life, but we still 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:27.960 make time for each other once a week for bar trivia. 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:30.600 My struggle is that I feel jealous that my friends 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:32.799 with children hang out all the time and naturally include 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:35.800 each other in plans. I've gone to soccer games, birthday parties, 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:38.120 et cetera. But I still don't get the immediate invite. 0:03:38.640 --> 0:03:40.800 I know that this is just a natural course of life, 0:03:40.800 --> 0:03:43.280 and my partner and I are happily child free, but 0:03:43.360 --> 0:03:45.360 it still doesn't take away the sting when I get 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:47.760 a pity invite because the event was talked about around me. 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:49.720 How do I let this go and not let it 0:03:49.760 --> 0:03:51.840 affect me as much as it is. I love my 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:53.800 friends and I know they're not being malicious, but my 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:55.240 feelings are still always hurt. 0:03:55.520 --> 0:03:56.120 Thanks everyone. 0:03:56.160 --> 0:03:58.160 I'm currently catching up on old episodes and I just 0:03:58.200 --> 0:03:59.920 listened to Goals about twenty twenty. The whole time I 0:03:59.920 --> 0:04:02.120 was like, Oh, guys, you have no idea what's about 0:04:02.160 --> 0:04:02.640 to come. 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:04.920 To that? 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:11.640 Yeah, this is so hard because I I kind of 0:04:11.640 --> 0:04:14.240 feel like I'm about to enter into this base of life. 0:04:15.120 --> 0:04:18.160 So I think Anonymous, give me about a year and 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:23.400 I will joining. Yeah, we're joining you on nearbar trivia nights, 0:04:23.560 --> 0:04:28.000 let me go anywhere. I think that there is just 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:32.440 an ease of making plans when you're in the same 0:04:32.839 --> 0:04:35.640 phase of life with people, like when you have kids. 0:04:35.720 --> 0:04:38.919 I think it's just this natural thing to want to 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:41.480 have each other, for the kids to do their thing, 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:43.440 and for the moms to kind of have a break 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:45.800 from being alone. 0:04:45.560 --> 0:04:46.280 With the kids. 0:04:46.920 --> 0:04:49.680 And I think you're totally valid for it to hurt 0:04:49.680 --> 0:04:51.560 your feelings because it's a it's a shift in your 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:54.159 dynamic when you all you all at one point were 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:56.680 single and doing whatever you wanted to do, and then 0:04:56.680 --> 0:04:58.599 you probably moved to where you all had partners, but 0:04:58.640 --> 0:05:00.400 you still had the freedom to like meet up and 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:02.040 do whatever you do. But when you have kids, there 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:04.320 is like this shift. I think that happens big time. 0:05:05.040 --> 0:05:09.719 And I think that you show up for your friends. 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:12.000 I think you be the friend that you are to them. 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:14.400 And I also think that this is a time where 0:05:14.440 --> 0:05:17.279 maybe you find people who are in the same same 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:20.800 season of life as you, so that you're creating friendships 0:05:20.839 --> 0:05:26.680 where you're feeling seen and validated by people who are 0:05:26.720 --> 0:05:28.480 aligned with where you're at as well. 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:29.600 And I think you. 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:33.560 Can do both of those because I because I don't 0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:36.560 think when all of your friends are hanging out having 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:39.120 mom time that they're they're probably like, she doesn't want 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:41.640 to come hang out with the kids, the screaming babies 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:42.279 or whatnot. 0:05:42.360 --> 0:05:44.479 You know, That's what I think. 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:49.360 Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of dealing with this, Like 0:05:49.400 --> 0:05:51.760 we we had a group, big group of friends we'd 0:05:51.760 --> 0:05:54.200 always go see the Marvel movies on Opening night. And 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:57.680 then they've all had kids, and you know, they can't 0:05:57.720 --> 0:06:00.320 go see movies all the time anymore. But I still 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:03.680 invite them all every single time, and they always almost 0:06:03.720 --> 0:06:05.600 always say no, but sometimes they don't. But I still 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:08.400 want to be like, hey, just because you you know, 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:10.880 just because like you your schedules and it is open, 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:12.360 that doesn't mean I still don't want to hang out 0:06:12.360 --> 0:06:12.520 with you. 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:16.680 Yeah, Also they invite you to things, Yeah, they do, 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:20.599 but I don't I personally, I don't take it personally 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:22.320 when like I find out that there was like some 0:06:22.520 --> 0:06:25.400 soccer game, I didn't get invited some kids soccer game, because. 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:26.880 Like, I don't really I feel like she should raise 0:06:26.920 --> 0:06:29.640 the issue that like, because I think sometimes what people 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:32.839 do is they think you don't want to come or 0:06:32.839 --> 0:06:35.200 be there because you have kids. Because I feel like 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:40.000 when my life went from super single to stepmama two kids, 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.599 it was pretty jarring because it was like I had 0:06:43.720 --> 0:06:46.200 all the time in the world and then when now 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:48.479 I have two kids that I have fifty percent of 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:52.440 the time, and I feel like when we have the kids, 0:06:52.720 --> 0:06:54.400 we do one sort of thing, and when we don't 0:06:54.400 --> 0:06:56.000 have the kids, we do another sort of thing because 0:06:56.040 --> 0:06:58.080 I never thought that, like my friends would want to 0:06:58.640 --> 0:07:00.440 also hang out with the kids all, so you know 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:03.600 what I mean, Like your mind just goes there. Yeah, 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:05.800 so maybe your friends aren't including you because I think 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:08.920 that you wouldn't want to. So I think you should say, like, hey, 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:10.600 I still want to come, even though I don't have kids. 0:07:10.600 --> 0:07:11.960 I'd love to, Like I want to come, and I 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:14.400 want to be invited, and I'm sure they'll invite you, 0:07:15.000 --> 0:07:17.600 and then you just like take it from there, because 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:19.320 I think that's what happened, is like I think I've 0:07:19.360 --> 0:07:21.960 really like segregated, like, oh, we have the kids this weekend, 0:07:21.960 --> 0:07:24.240 we can't do this and we can't do that, Whereas 0:07:24.280 --> 0:07:25.920 like now I'm like, no, okay, we can get a 0:07:25.920 --> 0:07:28.160 sitter for them, Like it's okay. You know, it's also 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:30.200 okay if Robbie stays home and I go out that 0:07:30.240 --> 0:07:33.480 type of stuff. So maybe they're just not inviting you 0:07:33.520 --> 0:07:35.960 because I feel like you don't. 0:07:36.440 --> 0:07:38.960 Yeah, yeah, I think there's that, And I also just 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:42.040 think it's a different I mean, maybe they maybe there's 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:47.320 a feeling of you know, what do we talk like 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:50.640 I think when you have kids. Everything revolves around kids, yes, 0:07:51.480 --> 0:07:53.360 So I think when you bring someone in who doesn't 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:56.600 have kids, it kind of probably feels awkward about like that. 0:07:56.720 --> 0:07:58.240 All the time. But I'm with my friends that have 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:01.120 like little kids, it's always like do we keep progression? 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:03.080 And I'm like, I have no idea what any of 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:03.720 this stuff is. 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:05.120 And they're all going through that. 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:07.400 So they they like need each other and have each other, 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:09.840 and they're probably like probably what Tanya said, like they 0:08:09.880 --> 0:08:10.800 don't want to burden you. 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:12.720 They want to feel like you have to show up 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:14.320 and be around the kids. If you're that's not what 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:14.760 you want. 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:17.520 And also they may just be like, what do we like, 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:20.040 We're all we think about and talk about are the kids, 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:22.160 and like, she's gonna be so bored. 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:25.800 It's funny that you say that, because I too, I 0:08:25.960 --> 0:08:28.320 feel like that person. When I'm around people that have 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:30.680 small kids. It's like they're always talking about that and 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:32.920 I'm a part of the conversation. It's like, I don't 0:08:32.960 --> 0:08:35.280 want to talk about sleep regression, do you know what 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:37.719 I mean? And I'm like, I want to be very 0:08:37.760 --> 0:08:42.800 mindful when I have god willing a baby to not 0:08:43.080 --> 0:08:43.880 be that person. 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:44.120 Do you know? 0:08:44.120 --> 0:08:45.319 What I mean, like, I don't want to just come 0:08:45.360 --> 0:08:48.240 to you and just be like, oh my gosh, my 0:08:48.320 --> 0:08:49.280 baby's Like. 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:53.760 It's gonna happen though, which is so normal because it's 0:08:53.840 --> 0:09:00.160 just like you're that's you're eating, sleeping, and breathing this 0:09:00.559 --> 0:09:03.320 new child, you know, Like that's just I think where 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:05.280 you're at at that time in your life. 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:06.280 Am I going to be that person? 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:07.080 I think everything? 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:08.600 Am I going to be that person? Yeah? 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:11.200 And I think every single person who before they had 0:09:11.200 --> 0:09:12.760 a baby, they're like, I don't want to be that 0:09:12.800 --> 0:09:15.480 person that only time. I just think it's so natural 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:18.360 that that's what happens, not in a bad way. And 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:20.680 I'll be so happy to hear about the sleep progression 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:24.280 and what can I do to help? And then I also, 0:09:24.679 --> 0:09:27.560 I do think it's gonna I'm really gonna lean on 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:31.160 other people during those times because I don't think y'all, 0:09:31.720 --> 0:09:33.880 my friends who are having children are gonna have the 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:37.400 capacity that they once had for at least a certain 0:09:37.400 --> 0:09:43.319 amount of time, you know, So Anonymous check back with 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:46.679 me here in about a year and. 0:09:45.840 --> 0:09:46.880 Will shit chat. 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:50.080 But I also, like I said, I think if you 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:52.079 want to say something to them, like hey, I'd love 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:54.000 to be a part. I love hearing about your kids' 0:09:54.040 --> 0:09:57.200 lives and what's going on. I just I love you guys, 0:09:57.240 --> 0:09:58.840 and I want to hang out with you, whatever that 0:09:58.880 --> 0:09:59.320 looks like. 0:09:59.480 --> 0:10:00.680 But I also. 0:10:00.440 --> 0:10:02.839 Think it's okay to find people who are in the 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:04.559 same season of life as you. 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:08.360 But don't like replace them with these new season friends. 0:10:09.120 --> 0:10:12.400 Let's just make that very clear. I don't want to 0:10:12.440 --> 0:10:17.360 replace no friends with these new on childless friends. 0:10:17.400 --> 0:10:23.160 Yeah, no replacing, just supplementing. Yes, sure, I want to 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:23.720 make that clear. 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:38.640 Yeah, yeah, Yeah. 0:10:40.559 --> 0:10:43.959 We have another anonymous email a different person. I assume Becka, 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:46.160 Tanya Mark and Easton. I have been a scribber since 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:49.000 day one and I love your podcast. My husband and 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:50.680 I have been married for ten years and together for 0:10:50.760 --> 0:10:54.280 thirteen years. My husband is forty three and I'm forty one. Recently, 0:10:54.320 --> 0:10:56.080 my husband has a stroke and was in the hospital 0:10:56.120 --> 0:10:59.080 for fifteen days. I stayed every day and night with him. 0:10:59.200 --> 0:11:01.960 He's doing much better now. He's an only child. His 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:04.840 parents were very helpful during this time. Our daughter stayed 0:11:04.840 --> 0:11:07.320 with them and took care of our dogs because they 0:11:07.360 --> 0:11:09.720 weren't able. He has now been home for three weeks. 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:13.760 His mother is inserting her opinions daily regarding his progress 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:16.719 and decisions that we've made regarding his care and recovery. 0:11:17.040 --> 0:11:20.080 She doesn't agree with all our decisions. I recently had 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:22.439 my cup full of her and the opinions and confronted 0:11:22.440 --> 0:11:24.880 her about it. I told her that we appreciate the help, 0:11:24.960 --> 0:11:25.680 we couldn't have done. 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:26.120 It without them. 0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:28.640 However, we no longer need any assistance and I have 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:30.800 his karen needs handled. I've been a nurse for over 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:33.760 twenty years and his mother's also a nurse. She proceeded 0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:35.480 to tell me when I confronted her that she feels 0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:37.400 like she has to interfere because she doesn't feel like 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:39.400 I'm doing enough and I don't act like I care 0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:42.079 to keep the peace. I did not say anything further 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:44.520 to her and just ended our conversation. I'm livid and 0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:46.920 very hurt, as is my husband, but I don't want 0:11:46.920 --> 0:11:48.600 to push further because his parents are not in the 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:50.960 best health and my husband now has his medical issue 0:11:51.000 --> 0:11:54.080 and does not need any added stress. Please help. I'm 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:55.880 not at all sure how to handle this. My mother 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:57.840 in law has always been difficult to get along with, 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:00.079 and I feel like she never liked me. H. 0:12:00.600 --> 0:12:01.080 It's tough. 0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:01.920 It's so hard. 0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:06.880 I'm so happy that your husband is doing well. And 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:11.480 on the mend, I think that this is one of 0:12:11.559 --> 0:12:16.840 those things where you show up for your husband. You 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:19.760 be the best wife, best nurse, best mom you can 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:24.760 be during this time, and don't I think this is 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:27.600 a very sensitive time because it's your husband, it's the 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:31.640 person that you love, the father of your child. But 0:12:31.720 --> 0:12:35.120 it's also her son, her only son, so she's probably 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.400 had a lot of high stress and like worry about 0:12:39.120 --> 0:12:42.320 his health and having to making sure that he's cared 0:12:42.360 --> 0:12:45.560 for as that's her only child, probably been her focus 0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:48.320 her whole life. It's probably very hard for her like 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:51.080 let go of that control to someone else when he's 0:12:51.400 --> 0:12:55.200 going through something like this medically. I also think that 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:59.480 you can't control how she acts, what she says, what 0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:03.160 she does. And I think you you've said what you 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:05.200 needed to say, You've said what you need to say. 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:08.200 You keep showing up for your husband, be the be 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:13.280 the wife that you are, and let her be and 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:14.400 do what she's going to do. 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:19.160 I was just listening my algorithm. My algorithm on reals 0:13:19.200 --> 0:13:22.960 is like giving me these like marriage videos one on 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:24.600 one or whatever, and I found this to be very 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:26.200 interesting because I never thought of it this way. But 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:30.040 they say, when you get married, that becomes your family, 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:33.120 and you're I don't want to say your old family, 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:34.840 but the family that you came from, that becomes your 0:13:34.880 --> 0:13:38.000 extended family. And I never looked at it that way, 0:13:38.400 --> 0:13:40.960 like I've never thought of it like that is you, 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:44.120 that's now, that's your family, that's your first family, and 0:13:44.160 --> 0:13:48.560 then everybody else is your extended family, right, And it 0:13:48.640 --> 0:13:52.120 really hit me because I feel like I have never 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:54.160 birthed a child, so I don't know what that love 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:58.720 is like for your child. I have a dog that 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:02.240 I love and say a lot, so I imagine it's a 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:07.079 hundred times at which I feel like is an insane amount. Yeah. Yeah, 0:14:07.640 --> 0:14:09.600 So I imagine that your mother in law is just 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:12.079 feeling that way because she's seeing, you know, a stroke 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:14.320 is very scary, seeing her son in a very scary, 0:14:14.400 --> 0:14:16.880 vulnerable situation. So she might be like talking out of 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:19.840 emotion and having these emotions. It's not right that she's 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:22.520 letting the bat on you, but she also needs to 0:14:22.680 --> 0:14:25.080 take a step back and know that like you are 0:14:25.160 --> 0:14:30.040 his family, you are his caretaker now, not as a caretaker, 0:14:30.080 --> 0:14:32.680 but like you and him make the decisions, not her, 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:36.359 And I think that you need to have that conversation 0:14:37.080 --> 0:14:39.800 in a very loving way, not in like a bitchy way, 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:43.880 not in like a get out the way, but in 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:46.240 a you know, this is my this is my husband, 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:48.520 this is my family. If I want to do and 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:50.920 I will do everything to take the best care of him, 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:53.840 I need you to like let us lead this and 0:14:53.880 --> 0:14:55.440 if you want to help and you want to support, 0:14:55.520 --> 0:14:58.520 you can, but please ask us what we need and 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:00.600 not just interject and like give your opinion, because this 0:15:00.680 --> 0:15:02.920 is hard enough. We don't want to add stress onto 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:03.640 his plate. 0:15:03.800 --> 0:15:04.240 Mm hmmm. 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:06.040 I think you just have to have that conversation. 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:08.640 I agree, And I think there's a way of being 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.040 like we're so which it sounds like it sounds like 0:15:11.080 --> 0:15:13.720 she did say like we couldn't have done it without you, 0:15:13.720 --> 0:15:15.840 were so grateful, But I think it's really I think 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:19.600 she wants to feel needed as especially as a nurse 0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:20.240 and being like a. 0:15:20.160 --> 0:15:23.840 Part of the tasks. He loves masaball soup. Can you 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:24.760 make he loves? 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:26.880 I'm saying like, yeah, do it in a way where 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:29.400 you can still make her feel like she can contribute 0:15:29.400 --> 0:15:32.880 and help but also just be like, you know, we're 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:36.960 making the decisions together, he and I and we love 0:15:37.000 --> 0:15:38.840 you and we're so grateful for you. But you know 0:15:38.880 --> 0:15:41.160 we're we're doing this the way that's best for us. 0:15:41.520 --> 0:15:43.600 But you know what's interesting the very last sentence, she said, 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:45.840 I feel like she has never liked me. That says 0:15:45.880 --> 0:15:46.120 a lot. 0:15:46.280 --> 0:15:49.160 That's total, I mean totally. They've been together, I think 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:52.160 married for thirteen years or together a lot. But I 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:54.560 think that that's why you you don't have to like 0:15:54.720 --> 0:15:56.840 overdo it. But I think we're the things that you 0:15:56.960 --> 0:15:59.000 know that she can contribute that's not going to like 0:15:59.600 --> 0:16:03.720 over step her boundary for you. I love he loves 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.320 your famous soup, he loves this meal, Like would you 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:09.080 mind or like could you take our daughter for a 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:11.520 few days, like over the weekend. Just things that she 0:16:11.560 --> 0:16:15.239 can contribute where you don't feel like she's overstepping. 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:18.360 Yeah, but she can still feel a part. 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:21.800 That's I mean, you guys said, I think that's great advice. 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:24.320 It's like my mother in law, my future mother in law, 0:16:24.360 --> 0:16:28.680 she's like, loves rob obviously, she loves she has two sons. 0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:30.400 She like is obsessed with them, and she would want 0:16:30.400 --> 0:16:32.200 to do anything for them. So like I could see this, 0:16:32.280 --> 0:16:33.320 you know what I mean, I could see her just 0:16:33.320 --> 0:16:35.880 like wanting to help, and I could actually see myself 0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:39.280 having that conversation with her and asking, you know, like 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:42.040 she she's very good about like she she I think 0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:44.080 her love language is like food. So I think if 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:45.640 I gave her a task, like it'd be really helpful 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:47.880 if you could like make us dinner tonight tomorrow or 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:50.240 you know whatever. Like I think she would really like 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:51.040 thrive on that. 0:16:51.760 --> 0:16:52.440 I think that's good. 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:53.440 Yeah. 0:16:53.520 --> 0:16:55.680 Yeah, Whenever people are like what can I do to help? 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:56.120 What can't do? 0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:56.240 It? 0:16:56.280 --> 0:16:58.960 Like, it is helpful if it's like a specific thing, 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.160 especially with someone like that, just tell them what you need. 0:17:02.400 --> 0:17:04.439 Yeah, all right. 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:07.879 This one's from Melissa Wedding X. We're gotting in too 0:17:07.880 --> 0:17:10.440 the World of wedding X. This is a question for Tanya, 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:12.520 now that the wedding is getting close. What are some 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:15.119 of your wedding X or things you absolutely wouldn't do 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:17.760 at your wedding. I'm also planning a twenty twenty five wedding. 0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:21.479 Congratulations and a few of mine are vendors not posting 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:23.800 a price range for their services on their website. I 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:25.240 don't want to waste your time, and I want you 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:27.960 to waste mine giving your friends and family a bunch 0:17:27.960 --> 0:17:33.600 of junks. This is Bridesmaids Sister mob. Oh controversial opinion. 0:17:33.800 --> 0:17:35.440 I get the ick with grooms wearing a boot and 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:37.800 ear that's hanging flopping around on their jacket, So my 0:17:37.880 --> 0:17:39.359 groom will not be wearing one. 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:41.800 Becky and East I thought we were X. 0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:44.840 I was like, oh no, what did I do to Melissa, 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:47.359 Becky and easton any thoughts on these things? Can't wait 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:49.000 to see a the pictures and hear about your big day, 0:17:49.080 --> 0:17:49.640 Love you all. 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:54.200 You know what's so funny is like, I guess I 0:17:54.200 --> 0:17:57.520 wouldn't consider them as X. I'm just like doing what 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:02.439 I want, do you know what I mean? The Floris 0:18:02.480 --> 0:18:06.000 asked us about bootoneers and I was like, no, I 0:18:06.040 --> 0:18:09.800 don't want that, Yeah, but I didn't. I never thought 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:10.400 it was like an ick. 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:11.959 You know why didn't you want it? 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:16.480 I don't want anything living on him. 0:18:16.600 --> 0:18:19.399