1 00:00:15,436 --> 00:00:25,156 Speaker 1: Pushkin. Many of us have come to this particular New 2 00:00:25,236 --> 00:00:28,236 Speaker 1: Year with some pretty high hopes. But in this episode 3 00:00:28,276 --> 00:00:30,396 Speaker 1: of our New Year's series, I want to introduce you 4 00:00:30,476 --> 00:00:33,436 Speaker 1: to a really important idea that maybe some of those 5 00:00:33,516 --> 00:00:36,916 Speaker 1: grand New Year's plans, like finally losing the weight, achieving 6 00:00:36,956 --> 00:00:41,436 Speaker 1: that perfect beach body, filling that calendar, and getting that promotion, maybe, 7 00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:44,316 Speaker 1: just maybe those things aren't going to make you as 8 00:00:44,356 --> 00:00:47,916 Speaker 1: happy as you think. Maybe they're even obstacles to truly 9 00:00:47,956 --> 00:00:51,476 Speaker 1: finding happiness. Our lying minds often lead us in the 10 00:00:51,476 --> 00:00:55,116 Speaker 1: wrong direction, and a really common tendency is to fixate 11 00:00:55,116 --> 00:00:58,596 Speaker 1: on rigid improvement goals that actually end up compounding the 12 00:00:58,716 --> 00:01:01,996 Speaker 1: real well being problems we're facing. Fortunately, there is a 13 00:01:02,076 --> 00:01:05,436 Speaker 1: quick and simple practice to restore the balance, and as 14 00:01:05,436 --> 00:01:08,076 Speaker 1: we keep seeing in this mini season, a better strategy 15 00:01:08,316 --> 00:01:12,436 Speaker 1: probably involved being a little nicer to ourselves and to others. 16 00:01:13,316 --> 00:01:15,276 Speaker 1: So if you're ready to learn how to be happier 17 00:01:15,316 --> 00:01:18,596 Speaker 1: through kindness, then join me doctor Laurie Santos, as the 18 00:01:18,636 --> 00:01:32,796 Speaker 1: Happiness Lab takes you out in the rain. Rain r 19 00:01:32,956 --> 00:01:38,796 Speaker 1: ai N. It stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. It's 20 00:01:38,796 --> 00:01:41,396 Speaker 1: a short acronym, but as you'll learn in this episode. 21 00:01:41,516 --> 00:01:45,396 Speaker 1: It's a really powerful concept. All year round, we try 22 00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:48,156 Speaker 1: to cram our lives with things to do, goals to achieve, 23 00:01:48,356 --> 00:01:51,596 Speaker 1: deadlines to me, places to be, accolades to win, and 24 00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:54,556 Speaker 1: points to prove, and around the new year, these normal 25 00:01:54,676 --> 00:01:57,996 Speaker 1: urges often get a supercharge. If we're not careful, this 26 00:01:58,156 --> 00:02:01,516 Speaker 1: flurry of activity and striving will not only exhaust us, 27 00:02:01,796 --> 00:02:03,796 Speaker 1: but also result in lots of the things we know 28 00:02:03,876 --> 00:02:07,436 Speaker 1: are bad for happiness. Will be time famished and isolated. 29 00:02:07,796 --> 00:02:09,836 Speaker 1: We might even wind up suppress saying some of our 30 00:02:09,836 --> 00:02:14,556 Speaker 1: true needs and emotions, often in really unhealthy ways. If 31 00:02:14,556 --> 00:02:17,156 Speaker 1: this sounds like you, you're not alone. I fall into 32 00:02:17,196 --> 00:02:20,396 Speaker 1: this trap all the time, and so does Tara Brock, 33 00:02:20,756 --> 00:02:23,716 Speaker 1: my guest in this episode. I love that your voice 34 00:02:23,836 --> 00:02:26,596 Speaker 1: is out there and what you've been bringing forward, and 35 00:02:27,076 --> 00:02:31,196 Speaker 1: you're making great ripples. Thank you. That is amazing to 36 00:02:31,236 --> 00:02:33,596 Speaker 1: hear in general, but especially from you. So the mutual 37 00:02:33,596 --> 00:02:35,956 Speaker 1: appreciation will mean it should be a fun, fun episode. 38 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,836 Speaker 1: So did you hit record on your side? I'm gonna 39 00:02:38,916 --> 00:02:43,356 Speaker 1: hit I am okay, we are recording. Tara is a 40 00:02:43,436 --> 00:02:47,236 Speaker 1: widely respected psychologist and meditation teacher. She's the author of 41 00:02:47,236 --> 00:02:50,276 Speaker 1: the book Radical compassion, And she's also one of my 42 00:02:50,316 --> 00:02:54,516 Speaker 1: heroes because the meditation technique she's popularized, that practice of 43 00:02:54,596 --> 00:02:57,236 Speaker 1: rain I mentioned earlier, has helped mean to not only 44 00:02:57,236 --> 00:02:59,796 Speaker 1: put the brakes on a lot of unhealthy urges, but 45 00:02:59,916 --> 00:03:03,156 Speaker 1: also to consider what really matters for living a happier life. 46 00:03:04,396 --> 00:03:06,516 Speaker 1: But the even more amazing thing about Tara is that 47 00:03:06,556 --> 00:03:09,836 Speaker 1: she honestly admits that she too occasionally gets caught up 48 00:03:09,876 --> 00:03:12,916 Speaker 1: in all that not so good striving stuff. So my 49 00:03:12,996 --> 00:03:15,796 Speaker 1: mom came down to live with my husband and I 50 00:03:15,956 --> 00:03:19,556 Speaker 1: when she was about eighty two, and I always felt 51 00:03:19,556 --> 00:03:23,356 Speaker 1: this pull and this strain between, you know, feeling like 52 00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:27,516 Speaker 1: I should be more with her, and also all the 53 00:03:27,516 --> 00:03:30,676 Speaker 1: pressure of getting things done for my work, for my teaching. 54 00:03:30,996 --> 00:03:33,276 Speaker 1: And I'll never forget one day when she came in 55 00:03:33,316 --> 00:03:36,476 Speaker 1: to show me a New Yorker article and I was 56 00:03:36,756 --> 00:03:39,876 Speaker 1: actually on the computer doing a talk on love and kindness, 57 00:03:40,236 --> 00:03:43,996 Speaker 1: and when I looked up, she was walking away, And 58 00:03:44,036 --> 00:03:49,156 Speaker 1: I'll never forget seeing her retreating figure and thinking, I 59 00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:52,316 Speaker 1: don't know how long I'll have with her, and it's 60 00:03:52,356 --> 00:03:57,676 Speaker 1: just being struck. And that's when I moved away from 61 00:03:57,676 --> 00:04:01,236 Speaker 1: my computer and I realized I just needed to take 62 00:04:01,316 --> 00:04:04,916 Speaker 1: some time to sense what was going on. I just 63 00:04:04,996 --> 00:04:08,356 Speaker 1: turned my attention inward and I could feel guilt but 64 00:04:08,476 --> 00:04:11,716 Speaker 1: also the anxiety and feel it in my body and 65 00:04:12,076 --> 00:04:17,756 Speaker 1: offer myself kindness, to offer some self compassion, some reminders 66 00:04:17,796 --> 00:04:20,956 Speaker 1: to myself that it was really okay, that the teaching 67 00:04:20,996 --> 00:04:23,396 Speaker 1: would work out, and that I loved my mom and 68 00:04:23,556 --> 00:04:27,676 Speaker 1: feeling much more spacious, much more open, and that over 69 00:04:27,756 --> 00:04:30,916 Speaker 1: and over again. Then over the next months, when i'd 70 00:04:30,916 --> 00:04:34,036 Speaker 1: feel tight like that at different times that I was 71 00:04:34,076 --> 00:04:38,196 Speaker 1: with her, I would inwardly just feel what was going 72 00:04:38,196 --> 00:04:41,556 Speaker 1: on inside me and bring some kindness and kind of 73 00:04:41,556 --> 00:04:44,036 Speaker 1: open up more. And I found that when I was 74 00:04:44,116 --> 00:04:47,316 Speaker 1: with her, I could just show up and we'd have 75 00:04:47,356 --> 00:04:50,316 Speaker 1: our big salads together at night time or go for 76 00:04:50,396 --> 00:04:52,316 Speaker 1: our walks on the river, and I was just there 77 00:04:52,396 --> 00:04:57,716 Speaker 1: with her. And I remember when she died, which was 78 00:04:57,796 --> 00:05:00,996 Speaker 1: just a couple of years later, I really had this 79 00:05:01,156 --> 00:05:05,476 Speaker 1: sense of huge, enormous grief. I can always feel it 80 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:09,436 Speaker 1: as I share, but also that I didn't have regret, 81 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:12,156 Speaker 1: so I hadn't missed my life moments with her. And 82 00:05:12,556 --> 00:05:16,476 Speaker 1: people tell me over and over again that mindfulness has 83 00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:19,156 Speaker 1: saved their lives, and I feel like I could saved 84 00:05:19,156 --> 00:05:22,356 Speaker 1: my life moments with my mom And so, you know, 85 00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:25,996 Speaker 1: you talked about feeling like struck when you had this realization, 86 00:05:26,156 --> 00:05:27,916 Speaker 1: But this is the kind of thing we go through 87 00:05:27,956 --> 00:05:30,276 Speaker 1: all the time. As soon as we recognize when we're 88 00:05:30,276 --> 00:05:33,276 Speaker 1: not dealing with our negative emotions, right, we spend a 89 00:05:33,476 --> 00:05:36,996 Speaker 1: huge amount of time disconnected and what I kind of 90 00:05:36,996 --> 00:05:40,676 Speaker 1: call a trance where we're living in our thoughts in 91 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:44,276 Speaker 1: a small kind of world and not really in touch 92 00:05:44,316 --> 00:05:47,596 Speaker 1: with what's going on inside us or other people. I mean, 93 00:05:47,636 --> 00:05:51,796 Speaker 1: we're really we're living most of our moments in thoughts 94 00:05:51,956 --> 00:05:56,316 Speaker 1: about life rather than directly contacting the emotion. When you 95 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,796 Speaker 1: had that moment of seeing her retreating and walking away, 96 00:05:59,076 --> 00:06:00,876 Speaker 1: you know what was the realization kind of what did 97 00:06:00,916 --> 00:06:03,236 Speaker 1: you what did you notice that you were missing about 98 00:06:03,276 --> 00:06:05,276 Speaker 1: yourself or missing about what you were paying attention to. 99 00:06:05,596 --> 00:06:08,716 Speaker 1: It was in stark relief, Laura, that I could see 100 00:06:08,756 --> 00:06:12,836 Speaker 1: that I was living in this very small world where 101 00:06:13,396 --> 00:06:17,716 Speaker 1: the underlying mantra was there's not enough time. That's a trance, 102 00:06:17,916 --> 00:06:20,276 Speaker 1: And by trance, what I mean is living in a 103 00:06:20,356 --> 00:06:24,236 Speaker 1: kind of fear based world where the story of who 104 00:06:24,276 --> 00:06:27,156 Speaker 1: I am or what has to happen and it's really 105 00:06:27,396 --> 00:06:32,276 Speaker 1: shaped by fear and forgetting the bigger picture. You know, 106 00:06:32,276 --> 00:06:34,396 Speaker 1: if I was the end of my life looking back, 107 00:06:34,596 --> 00:06:37,836 Speaker 1: what would matter was showing up and being present and 108 00:06:37,956 --> 00:06:41,596 Speaker 1: being loving. And I often think of a friend who's 109 00:06:41,596 --> 00:06:45,956 Speaker 1: a palliative caregiver and she's been with thousands of people 110 00:06:45,996 --> 00:06:51,396 Speaker 1: at their deathbed. She says that the greatest regret of 111 00:06:51,396 --> 00:06:53,916 Speaker 1: the dying and the way they put it is I 112 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:58,196 Speaker 1: didn't live true to myself. I lived according to expectations, 113 00:06:58,316 --> 00:07:01,556 Speaker 1: I lived shaped by my own judgments. I lived at 114 00:07:01,556 --> 00:07:03,876 Speaker 1: a fear, but I didn't live true to my heart. 115 00:07:04,236 --> 00:07:08,556 Speaker 1: And that was the experience in that moment of oh, 116 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:13,236 Speaker 1: I'm not aligned right now, and that motivated me to 117 00:07:13,356 --> 00:07:16,996 Speaker 1: pause and to come back into alignment. And this issue 118 00:07:16,996 --> 00:07:19,236 Speaker 1: of kind of not being in align with our emotions, 119 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,476 Speaker 1: I mean, this is such a common thing, right and 120 00:07:21,556 --> 00:07:23,916 Speaker 1: part because many of us just don't take time to 121 00:07:23,956 --> 00:07:26,756 Speaker 1: deal with or notice what's going on inside ourselves. That's 122 00:07:26,796 --> 00:07:33,916 Speaker 1: exactly right. We're on autopilot and lost in thoughts. Harvard 123 00:07:33,956 --> 00:07:37,756 Speaker 1: research about five years ago talked about how fifty percent 124 00:07:37,796 --> 00:07:40,316 Speaker 1: of the time our minds are wandering, and they're not 125 00:07:40,356 --> 00:07:44,636 Speaker 1: just wandering because we have this negativity bias. We're really 126 00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:47,996 Speaker 1: mostly fixated on what can go wrong or what's wrong 127 00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:52,156 Speaker 1: with us, or in some way we're in planning, strategizing 128 00:07:52,196 --> 00:07:56,716 Speaker 1: to avoid trouble, and we can live in that and 129 00:07:57,036 --> 00:08:00,516 Speaker 1: really miss out on what's right here in the moment. 130 00:08:00,876 --> 00:08:04,796 Speaker 1: So it takes kind of a recognition of I don't 131 00:08:04,796 --> 00:08:07,396 Speaker 1: want to live in a virtual reality. I want to 132 00:08:07,436 --> 00:08:10,396 Speaker 1: be in touch with my body, my heart, with others. 133 00:08:10,636 --> 00:08:13,756 Speaker 1: And so it's that kind of recognition that motivates us 134 00:08:13,796 --> 00:08:18,516 Speaker 1: to challenge the autopilot. Sometimes those autopilots, you know, they 135 00:08:18,516 --> 00:08:20,996 Speaker 1: can masquerade as something that's good for us. Right. You 136 00:08:20,996 --> 00:08:23,236 Speaker 1: know in your story with your mom, you were working 137 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:25,356 Speaker 1: on a talk, right, you know, it's not that you 138 00:08:25,396 --> 00:08:27,516 Speaker 1: were doing something that was awful. You know, in some 139 00:08:27,556 --> 00:08:29,916 Speaker 1: ways you were adding to your own productiveness, adding to 140 00:08:29,956 --> 00:08:32,476 Speaker 1: your own business. But sometimes those are reactions that we 141 00:08:32,556 --> 00:08:35,636 Speaker 1: have to avoid our emotions too, right, that's exactly right. 142 00:08:35,876 --> 00:08:41,156 Speaker 1: We get so habituated to the mindset of I need 143 00:08:41,196 --> 00:08:44,716 Speaker 1: to get more done, I haven't done enough, something's missing, 144 00:08:45,076 --> 00:08:49,996 Speaker 1: that kind of a mentality that we stay really busy, 145 00:08:50,476 --> 00:08:53,996 Speaker 1: and part of what's going on is that we use 146 00:08:54,036 --> 00:08:58,476 Speaker 1: our thoughts to stay away from the rawness of our feelings. 147 00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:02,956 Speaker 1: It's like we have this escape route through obsessive thinking. 148 00:09:03,116 --> 00:09:06,996 Speaker 1: And it's not like we like obsessive thinking, but on 149 00:09:07,036 --> 00:09:09,556 Speaker 1: some level it serves to take us out of our 150 00:09:09,596 --> 00:09:15,236 Speaker 1: body where feelings reside. So we miss and are not 151 00:09:15,436 --> 00:09:19,676 Speaker 1: listening to our emotions. And not only do we miss 152 00:09:19,796 --> 00:09:24,516 Speaker 1: the challenging emotions like shanga or fear, we also miss 153 00:09:24,556 --> 00:09:27,516 Speaker 1: out on joy and on love and on the sense 154 00:09:27,556 --> 00:09:32,076 Speaker 1: of the mystery of life. Thoughts, of course are necessary 155 00:09:32,356 --> 00:09:37,596 Speaker 1: for surviving and for flourishing, but we are so habituated 156 00:09:37,636 --> 00:09:41,276 Speaker 1: in getting lost in thoughts. So if you look at 157 00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:44,996 Speaker 1: the last bunch of hours, where were you? Were you 158 00:09:45,076 --> 00:09:48,076 Speaker 1: in a trance of thinking? I mean, how many moments 159 00:09:48,116 --> 00:09:52,156 Speaker 1: did you actually feel your breath you know, or feel 160 00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:56,516 Speaker 1: the air on your skin, are here the sounds around you, 161 00:09:56,756 --> 00:10:00,356 Speaker 1: birds or rain, or really see the light in a 162 00:10:00,476 --> 00:10:04,436 Speaker 1: child's eyes? How many moments did you actually arrive? And 163 00:10:04,476 --> 00:10:08,996 Speaker 1: people realize that we're out surfing channels were either in 164 00:10:09,236 --> 00:10:12,436 Speaker 1: future of the past, but we're not right here touching 165 00:10:12,436 --> 00:10:14,956 Speaker 1: what's real. And we also wind up when we're not 166 00:10:15,036 --> 00:10:17,596 Speaker 1: touching what's real, engaging in these behaviors that are you know, 167 00:10:17,756 --> 00:10:20,156 Speaker 1: worse than getting caught up in this trance of productivity 168 00:10:20,196 --> 00:10:22,716 Speaker 1: and overwork, right, you know, I think this not paying 169 00:10:22,716 --> 00:10:25,596 Speaker 1: attention to what's really going on is why we don't know, 170 00:10:25,676 --> 00:10:28,236 Speaker 1: engage in too much time online, or eat stuff that 171 00:10:28,316 --> 00:10:30,716 Speaker 1: we don't want, or buy too many things, or I 172 00:10:30,716 --> 00:10:32,436 Speaker 1: think you have this one example if you kind of 173 00:10:32,436 --> 00:10:34,676 Speaker 1: find yourself having gone through a whole bag of trail 174 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,476 Speaker 1: mix and you're like, wait, what has happened? Right? Yeah? Yeah, 175 00:10:37,556 --> 00:10:39,596 Speaker 1: I mean talk a little bit about how these trances 176 00:10:39,676 --> 00:10:41,876 Speaker 1: work and kind of how tough it is to break 177 00:10:41,916 --> 00:10:45,436 Speaker 1: out of them. Well, there are all different types of trances, 178 00:10:45,476 --> 00:10:49,556 Speaker 1: but they're mostly driven by our survival brain, the fear 179 00:10:49,796 --> 00:10:53,036 Speaker 1: and the grasping. It's a challenging world, and so we 180 00:10:53,116 --> 00:10:55,196 Speaker 1: all take on a space suit, you know, we all 181 00:10:55,276 --> 00:10:59,436 Speaker 1: develop our different strategies to navigate, to get approval, to 182 00:10:59,636 --> 00:11:01,836 Speaker 1: get what we want out of life, to defend and 183 00:11:01,916 --> 00:11:06,836 Speaker 1: protect ourselves. And what happens is we get identified with 184 00:11:06,876 --> 00:11:09,436 Speaker 1: the space suit. In other words, we think we're the 185 00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:12,956 Speaker 1: one with the addiction or the one that's proved themselves 186 00:11:12,996 --> 00:11:16,076 Speaker 1: with the achievements. We get identified with the surface and 187 00:11:16,156 --> 00:11:19,596 Speaker 1: we forget, really who's looking through there are different ways 188 00:11:19,636 --> 00:11:22,356 Speaker 1: that our space suit takes shape, and one of the 189 00:11:22,396 --> 00:11:25,876 Speaker 1: trances that I think's most predominant is what I call 190 00:11:25,956 --> 00:11:30,036 Speaker 1: the trance of unworthiness, because we tend to not like ourselves, 191 00:11:30,476 --> 00:11:34,396 Speaker 1: and it's probably the most pervasive trance we're in, where 192 00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:37,436 Speaker 1: we tell ourselves a lot of stories about what's wrong 193 00:11:37,476 --> 00:11:41,236 Speaker 1: with us, and that has a profound impact on how 194 00:11:41,236 --> 00:11:44,276 Speaker 1: we behave and what happens in the world. I mean, 195 00:11:44,276 --> 00:11:47,156 Speaker 1: if we're caught in the trance of unworthiness, we end 196 00:11:47,196 --> 00:11:51,276 Speaker 1: up trying to avoid the feelings with addictive behavior. We 197 00:11:51,556 --> 00:11:54,356 Speaker 1: end up not being able to be as intimate with 198 00:11:54,396 --> 00:11:57,116 Speaker 1: each other because there's a sense of well, Laurie, if 199 00:11:57,156 --> 00:11:59,396 Speaker 1: I got close to you, you'd find out about who 200 00:11:59,476 --> 00:12:01,716 Speaker 1: I really was, and you wouldn't like me. So we're 201 00:12:01,836 --> 00:12:05,356 Speaker 1: afraid of intimacy. It's very hard to take risks at 202 00:12:05,436 --> 00:12:08,396 Speaker 1: work because we don't trust ourselves and we think we'll 203 00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:13,716 Speaker 1: fall shore. So these negative beliefs and feelings end up 204 00:12:13,796 --> 00:12:18,316 Speaker 1: keeping us really imprisoned. And one woman, a friend of mine, 205 00:12:18,396 --> 00:12:20,956 Speaker 1: was with her mother as she was dying, and her 206 00:12:20,996 --> 00:12:23,596 Speaker 1: mother was in a coma, but she came out of 207 00:12:23,596 --> 00:12:25,356 Speaker 1: the coma and she kind of looked her in the 208 00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:29,036 Speaker 1: eye and said, you know, all my life, I thought 209 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:33,196 Speaker 1: something was wrong with me. And then she closed her eyes, 210 00:12:33,276 --> 00:12:37,116 Speaker 1: went back into a coma, and died shortly after. And 211 00:12:37,196 --> 00:12:39,516 Speaker 1: for my friend, it was a real wake up call 212 00:12:39,836 --> 00:12:43,036 Speaker 1: that her mother had been in this trance for all 213 00:12:43,036 --> 00:12:46,756 Speaker 1: those years and all the ways limited her life. And 214 00:12:46,796 --> 00:12:50,116 Speaker 1: of course it motivated my friend to kind of see 215 00:12:50,156 --> 00:12:53,076 Speaker 1: where in her own life she was living inside those 216 00:12:53,116 --> 00:12:56,556 Speaker 1: beliefs and to learn what I've been kind of pointing to, 217 00:12:56,556 --> 00:13:00,796 Speaker 1: to pause, to come into the moment, to actually directly 218 00:13:00,916 --> 00:13:03,796 Speaker 1: connect with the vulnerability and do some of the healing 219 00:13:03,876 --> 00:13:06,916 Speaker 1: that really frees us. And so the surprising thing is 220 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,436 Speaker 1: what we need to free ourselves is to actually take 221 00:13:09,476 --> 00:13:11,476 Speaker 1: the space suit off. You know, sometimes we think, oh, 222 00:13:11,556 --> 00:13:13,316 Speaker 1: the space suit I have now isn't really working. I 223 00:13:13,356 --> 00:13:15,196 Speaker 1: need a different space suit. I need to you know, 224 00:13:15,676 --> 00:13:17,596 Speaker 1: get the perfect beach body, or I need to get 225 00:13:17,636 --> 00:13:20,916 Speaker 1: another accolade at work, or you know, like a higher salary. Right, 226 00:13:20,956 --> 00:13:23,956 Speaker 1: we can kind of think that we need other protective coverings, 227 00:13:24,076 --> 00:13:25,836 Speaker 1: but the actual way out of it is to take 228 00:13:25,836 --> 00:13:29,556 Speaker 1: those things off, which ironically means looking at the deep seated, 229 00:13:29,636 --> 00:13:32,956 Speaker 1: scary stuff that we're really afraid of. Quite directly, that's 230 00:13:32,996 --> 00:13:36,036 Speaker 1: exactly right. The space suits can sometimes be thought of 231 00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:38,276 Speaker 1: as an ego self. It's not like we have to 232 00:13:38,316 --> 00:13:41,996 Speaker 1: get rid of ourselves. It's more that we have to 233 00:13:42,036 --> 00:13:45,116 Speaker 1: be willing to come into the moment and sense, well, 234 00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:48,636 Speaker 1: what is underneath this? What's underneath this? And there's a 235 00:13:48,676 --> 00:13:52,036 Speaker 1: story of a sage who people would go through deep 236 00:13:52,236 --> 00:13:56,076 Speaker 1: forests and over raging rivers and climb mountains to see him, 237 00:13:56,596 --> 00:13:59,836 Speaker 1: and he would swear them to silence, and he'd say 238 00:13:59,836 --> 00:14:03,556 Speaker 1: to them, Okay, this is the one question to ask, 239 00:14:04,396 --> 00:14:08,636 Speaker 1: what am I unwilling to feel? And it's really powerful 240 00:14:08,796 --> 00:14:13,596 Speaker 1: when we stop all our busy planning and worrying, when 241 00:14:13,596 --> 00:14:17,156 Speaker 1: we stop trying to prove ourselves or improve ourselves, and 242 00:14:17,236 --> 00:14:20,076 Speaker 1: just say, right this moment, you know what am I 243 00:14:20,316 --> 00:14:24,916 Speaker 1: unwilling to feel? And what we will start sensing in 244 00:14:24,956 --> 00:14:28,676 Speaker 1: our bodies is that there's a squeeze of deep insecurity 245 00:14:28,756 --> 00:14:32,876 Speaker 1: or fear that's asking for our attention. So the real 246 00:14:32,916 --> 00:14:38,196 Speaker 1: training to actually free ourselves up is to sent under 247 00:14:38,716 --> 00:14:42,636 Speaker 1: the layers of protection and really start bringing a healing 248 00:14:42,676 --> 00:14:47,916 Speaker 1: presence to that vulnerability. The training Tara recommends is what 249 00:14:48,036 --> 00:14:53,116 Speaker 1: she calls rain, recognize, allow, investigate, nurture. It's an extension 250 00:14:53,156 --> 00:14:55,876 Speaker 1: of the mindfulness and self compassion practices that we talked 251 00:14:55,876 --> 00:14:59,076 Speaker 1: about with Kristaff in the last episode. But RAIN gives 252 00:14:59,076 --> 00:15:01,636 Speaker 1: you an easy to follow checklist that you can use 253 00:15:01,716 --> 00:15:05,476 Speaker 1: whenever you feel that stressy tightness rising. I'll have Tara 254 00:15:05,596 --> 00:15:08,276 Speaker 1: run through how RAIN works when the Happiness Lab returns 255 00:15:08,356 --> 00:15:23,236 Speaker 1: in a moment, Tera Brox Rain practice has become my 256 00:15:23,316 --> 00:15:26,596 Speaker 1: go to strategy whenever I'm feeling frustrated with a colleague, 257 00:15:26,956 --> 00:15:29,876 Speaker 1: or impatient while waiting in line, or even anxious about 258 00:15:29,876 --> 00:15:34,116 Speaker 1: something at work. It's so simple but so effective to 259 00:15:34,156 --> 00:15:36,556 Speaker 1: see how the process works. I asked Tara to take 260 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,836 Speaker 1: us back to that incident with her mom in order 261 00:15:38,876 --> 00:15:42,596 Speaker 1: to illustrate how we can all recognize, allow, investigate in nurture. 262 00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:50,676 Speaker 1: Anytime there's suffering, anytime there's some strong unpleasant experience can 263 00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:53,516 Speaker 1: be an invitation to find out what's going on and 264 00:15:53,636 --> 00:15:57,276 Speaker 1: bring a healing presence. And with my mom, as I said, 265 00:15:57,436 --> 00:16:00,716 Speaker 1: the pang of sensing, I don't know how long I'll 266 00:16:00,756 --> 00:16:04,196 Speaker 1: have with her. It's just like, oh okay, I'm off. 267 00:16:05,196 --> 00:16:10,716 Speaker 1: So Rain starts with pausing with just in some way registering, Okay, 268 00:16:10,996 --> 00:16:14,956 Speaker 1: something needs attention, and we pause and the r of 269 00:16:15,076 --> 00:16:18,956 Speaker 1: rain is recognized. And what that means is to just 270 00:16:19,036 --> 00:16:23,676 Speaker 1: recognize whatever's most predominant. And for me it was anxiety. 271 00:16:24,196 --> 00:16:27,756 Speaker 1: There was anxiety and guilt. And with recognize, it's really 272 00:16:27,756 --> 00:16:31,796 Speaker 1: helpful to mentally whisper what you're noticing. For me, it 273 00:16:31,876 --> 00:16:36,436 Speaker 1: was just okay, anxious, anxious because in the moment of 274 00:16:36,916 --> 00:16:40,476 Speaker 1: naming it, we're not quite as caught in what's going on. 275 00:16:40,996 --> 00:16:44,356 Speaker 1: It activates the prefrontal cortex, is a little more of 276 00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:48,036 Speaker 1: a kind of presence of witnessing. The a of rain 277 00:16:48,476 --> 00:16:52,796 Speaker 1: is allow, and allow means instead of just steaming on 278 00:16:52,916 --> 00:16:56,356 Speaker 1: forward or trying to fix something or even judging what's 279 00:16:56,436 --> 00:16:59,956 Speaker 1: going on, just to let it be there, let the 280 00:16:59,996 --> 00:17:03,636 Speaker 1: experience be as it is. I sometimes will just say, okay, 281 00:17:03,636 --> 00:17:06,636 Speaker 1: this belongs, and it just means that these are the 282 00:17:06,676 --> 00:17:10,036 Speaker 1: waves in the ocean right now. It's it's going to change, 283 00:17:10,076 --> 00:17:13,916 Speaker 1: but this is what it is right now, so recognize, allow. 284 00:17:14,396 --> 00:17:19,436 Speaker 1: And then I started investigating, and investigate primarily is in 285 00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:23,516 Speaker 1: the body. And it's misleading because people think investigate as 286 00:17:23,516 --> 00:17:27,276 Speaker 1: some cognitive surges do. Well. I acted like this because 287 00:17:27,316 --> 00:17:29,916 Speaker 1: when I was very young, did Edita. It's not that. 288 00:17:30,156 --> 00:17:34,276 Speaker 1: So for me, investigating meant I started just to feel 289 00:17:34,316 --> 00:17:37,436 Speaker 1: into my body, my throat, my chests, and start to 290 00:17:37,596 --> 00:17:39,956 Speaker 1: feel the squeeze that had been there that I was 291 00:17:40,036 --> 00:17:44,516 Speaker 1: not really even noticing, of anxiety of trying to make 292 00:17:44,556 --> 00:17:47,316 Speaker 1: sure I didn't fail at something, you know. So I 293 00:17:47,476 --> 00:17:53,436 Speaker 1: felt that I investigated, and investigating included that belief in 294 00:17:53,476 --> 00:17:55,956 Speaker 1: me that if I don't work really hard, I'm going 295 00:17:56,036 --> 00:17:58,996 Speaker 1: to fail at something and people won't love me. So 296 00:17:59,596 --> 00:18:03,956 Speaker 1: that kind of came into my awareness, and the squeeze 297 00:18:03,956 --> 00:18:07,076 Speaker 1: in my body was really strong. I could feel it. 298 00:18:07,196 --> 00:18:11,076 Speaker 1: So I began the end of rain, which is nurture, 299 00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:13,836 Speaker 1: and I often will put my hand on my heart. 300 00:18:14,356 --> 00:18:19,476 Speaker 1: Now research has shown that that actually creates some relaxing 301 00:18:19,596 --> 00:18:23,116 Speaker 1: or soothing of the sympathetic nervous system. There is some calming, 302 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:27,036 Speaker 1: and it just feels like just a tender touch, beginning 303 00:18:27,076 --> 00:18:30,596 Speaker 1: to come into a kind relationship with my inner life. 304 00:18:30,636 --> 00:18:32,476 Speaker 1: So I put my hand on my heart and I 305 00:18:32,556 --> 00:18:36,036 Speaker 1: was breathing with that feeling of anxiety, and I just 306 00:18:36,476 --> 00:18:39,916 Speaker 1: sent a kind message to myself. I said something like, 307 00:18:39,996 --> 00:18:43,236 Speaker 1: it's okay, sweetie, and you know it's okay, sweetheart, or 308 00:18:43,596 --> 00:18:46,196 Speaker 1: it's going to work out. You know, what you're doing 309 00:18:46,436 --> 00:18:48,916 Speaker 1: will work. It'll come through you. You don't need to 310 00:18:48,956 --> 00:18:52,676 Speaker 1: struggle so hard. And to trust my love of my mother, 311 00:18:53,036 --> 00:18:54,916 Speaker 1: you know, just to trust that I love her and 312 00:18:54,996 --> 00:18:58,276 Speaker 1: that I can show up, because even just reminding myself 313 00:18:58,316 --> 00:19:00,956 Speaker 1: of loving my mother just helped me to relax into 314 00:19:00,996 --> 00:19:07,076 Speaker 1: knowing this is what matters. So recognize, allow, investigate, and 315 00:19:07,076 --> 00:19:11,196 Speaker 1: then that nurturing that self compact. And then there's what 316 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,436 Speaker 1: I call after the rain and after the rain. If 317 00:19:14,436 --> 00:19:17,916 Speaker 1: you think of a real rainfall and how the blossoming 318 00:19:17,996 --> 00:19:22,036 Speaker 1: often comes after the rain. Well, it's similarly with this 319 00:19:22,396 --> 00:19:25,636 Speaker 1: four step meditation and practice that it's after you do 320 00:19:25,676 --> 00:19:29,476 Speaker 1: those four steps that you can sense a shift. And 321 00:19:29,596 --> 00:19:32,396 Speaker 1: the shift it could be just a tiny bit art 322 00:19:32,436 --> 00:19:37,436 Speaker 1: can be very deep, is in the direction of more spaciousness, 323 00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:43,196 Speaker 1: open heartedness, clarity, not as stuck in that anxious, striving space, 324 00:19:43,196 --> 00:19:46,596 Speaker 1: suit self and more connected to my heart. You've talked about. 325 00:19:46,676 --> 00:19:49,276 Speaker 1: Rain is having those four steps, but also being a 326 00:19:49,316 --> 00:19:52,196 Speaker 1: practice that weaves two things that we've talked about a 327 00:19:52,236 --> 00:19:54,596 Speaker 1: lot on the Happiness Lab. One is this idea of 328 00:19:54,636 --> 00:19:57,556 Speaker 1: mindfulness and the other is this idea of compassion, and 329 00:19:57,596 --> 00:19:59,956 Speaker 1: so let's kind of explore how rain touches on both 330 00:19:59,996 --> 00:20:02,716 Speaker 1: of those, because I think those parts are really important too. Well. 331 00:20:02,876 --> 00:20:07,636 Speaker 1: Rain is a weave of mindfulness and compassion. Recognize is 332 00:20:07,676 --> 00:20:11,196 Speaker 1: the beginning of mindfulness to see what's going on, and 333 00:20:11,316 --> 00:20:15,676 Speaker 1: allowing is really the beginning of compassion, where we without 334 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:19,676 Speaker 1: judgment creates space for what's there. And then investigating deepens 335 00:20:19,796 --> 00:20:25,396 Speaker 1: mindfulness because we're beginning to bring a very interested attention 336 00:20:25,876 --> 00:20:29,836 Speaker 1: to what's actually here. So we're contacting and learning about 337 00:20:29,876 --> 00:20:33,196 Speaker 1: and opening to what's actually here. And then nurturing is 338 00:20:33,276 --> 00:20:36,956 Speaker 1: the fullness of compassion. As I think it was evolutionary 339 00:20:36,956 --> 00:20:41,596 Speaker 1: psychologist Cosalino said, it's not the survival of the fittest, 340 00:20:41,876 --> 00:20:46,476 Speaker 1: it's survival of the nurtured. By nurturing, it really frees 341 00:20:46,596 --> 00:20:48,716 Speaker 1: us up from a lot of the tension that keeps 342 00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:53,436 Speaker 1: us tight and small. So each of the steps deepens 343 00:20:53,516 --> 00:20:57,916 Speaker 1: our capacity really for mindfulness and compassion. You've described the 344 00:20:57,996 --> 00:21:00,196 Speaker 1: process as being kind of a U turn for your 345 00:21:00,236 --> 00:21:02,636 Speaker 1: attention to talk about the some of the benefits of 346 00:21:02,676 --> 00:21:06,276 Speaker 1: taking that U turn. Well, I love the expression you turned, Laurie, 347 00:21:06,356 --> 00:21:10,716 Speaker 1: because it's as if our attentions fixated outward, and the 348 00:21:10,916 --> 00:21:15,076 Speaker 1: u turn of rain actually allows us to pause and 349 00:21:15,236 --> 00:21:18,716 Speaker 1: turn the attention back as to what's going on inside 350 00:21:18,796 --> 00:21:23,676 Speaker 1: us because we're so unconscious. Often there's a beautiful I 351 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:26,916 Speaker 1: think it was Joseph Campbell who first put it forward. 352 00:21:27,396 --> 00:21:31,196 Speaker 1: Imagine awareness as a great circle, and that there's a 353 00:21:31,236 --> 00:21:34,316 Speaker 1: line going right through the center. Everything that's above the 354 00:21:34,396 --> 00:21:37,156 Speaker 1: line is in awareness, and everything below the line is 355 00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:41,316 Speaker 1: outside of awareness. Well, the mindfulness and compassion of Rain 356 00:21:41,756 --> 00:21:44,956 Speaker 1: moves the line, so there's more in awareness, and we 357 00:21:45,036 --> 00:21:48,076 Speaker 1: actually have more choice in our lives, so that the 358 00:21:48,196 --> 00:21:51,596 Speaker 1: moments of our life actually align with what matters to 359 00:21:51,676 --> 00:21:55,516 Speaker 1: us and actually allow us to feel happier and more peaceful. 360 00:21:55,956 --> 00:21:58,396 Speaker 1: And in part because this process of connecting with our 361 00:21:58,396 --> 00:22:01,196 Speaker 1: inner emotions aligns us with what really matters, it can 362 00:22:01,196 --> 00:22:04,076 Speaker 1: also align us back to connections we might be missing, 363 00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,276 Speaker 1: you know, to the people and the sort of communities 364 00:22:06,276 --> 00:22:08,596 Speaker 1: around us we might not be tapping into when we're 365 00:22:08,596 --> 00:22:13,876 Speaker 1: in these trans exactly right. Suffering is separation, and the 366 00:22:13,916 --> 00:22:16,276 Speaker 1: more that we're caught in a trance, the more separate 367 00:22:16,316 --> 00:22:18,636 Speaker 1: we are from our own bodies, from our hearts, and 368 00:22:18,836 --> 00:22:22,756 Speaker 1: from each other. I'll share one story with you that 369 00:22:22,876 --> 00:22:27,676 Speaker 1: kind of shows how rain works with connectedness. And there 370 00:22:27,756 --> 00:22:30,916 Speaker 1: was one man several years ago. He's an executive and 371 00:22:30,996 --> 00:22:33,956 Speaker 1: a tech company, and he had a really bad temper 372 00:22:34,276 --> 00:22:36,636 Speaker 1: and so he alienated a lot of people at work. 373 00:22:36,796 --> 00:22:40,356 Speaker 1: But he didn't come to therapy or mindfulness until he 374 00:22:40,436 --> 00:22:43,636 Speaker 1: was in crisis with his family. And so we worked 375 00:22:43,636 --> 00:22:46,876 Speaker 1: together and we started exploring rain how when he started 376 00:22:46,916 --> 00:22:50,276 Speaker 1: feeling that building up of anger, that he could pause 377 00:22:50,796 --> 00:22:54,116 Speaker 1: and notice what was going on and just pause again, 378 00:22:54,156 --> 00:22:57,956 Speaker 1: allowing it and just feel it in his body, investigating, 379 00:22:58,076 --> 00:23:01,036 Speaker 1: and just say something to himself to calm himself down. 380 00:23:01,396 --> 00:23:03,876 Speaker 1: So he practiced it, and he told me after a 381 00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:07,596 Speaker 1: while that probably one out of four times he actually 382 00:23:07,796 --> 00:23:10,956 Speaker 1: could sidestep any expression of anger at all, which is 383 00:23:11,316 --> 00:23:13,796 Speaker 1: actually huge. But I want to tell you about one 384 00:23:13,836 --> 00:23:17,036 Speaker 1: of the times that he sidestepped. And one of his 385 00:23:17,196 --> 00:23:20,556 Speaker 1: team managers had come in and had confessed that he 386 00:23:20,596 --> 00:23:23,796 Speaker 1: had fallen behind on a contract that his team was 387 00:23:23,876 --> 00:23:25,716 Speaker 1: working on. And this is the kind of thing that 388 00:23:25,756 --> 00:23:29,156 Speaker 1: would normally have this executive I'm telling you about just 389 00:23:29,196 --> 00:23:32,436 Speaker 1: go off the rails. He was about to, but he paused, 390 00:23:32,596 --> 00:23:36,076 Speaker 1: he noticed what was happening recognized, okay, getting angry and 391 00:23:36,676 --> 00:23:38,636 Speaker 1: let it be there for a moment and just felt 392 00:23:38,676 --> 00:23:41,676 Speaker 1: his body and breathe and said it's okay, and then 393 00:23:41,676 --> 00:23:44,596 Speaker 1: he took the guy in a little more. I'm sure 394 00:23:44,796 --> 00:23:47,956 Speaker 1: you're doing the best that you can. This guy who 395 00:23:47,956 --> 00:23:50,276 Speaker 1: had come to talk to him was just an honest, 396 00:23:50,356 --> 00:23:53,916 Speaker 1: hard working person and said, well, I wasn't going to 397 00:23:53,996 --> 00:23:56,996 Speaker 1: mention it, but you know, my wife has stage four 398 00:23:57,116 --> 00:23:59,676 Speaker 1: breast cancer. We have two teams and it's a really 399 00:23:59,756 --> 00:24:02,796 Speaker 1: hard time. And they hugged. You know, this guy told 400 00:24:02,836 --> 00:24:05,116 Speaker 1: me it is the first time at work ever, and 401 00:24:05,116 --> 00:24:08,756 Speaker 1: he said a few months ago, I would have unwittingly 402 00:24:08,836 --> 00:24:12,836 Speaker 1: asked it to this man suffering, And it's really one 403 00:24:12,876 --> 00:24:16,436 Speaker 1: of my saddest and best moments. You know, everyone we 404 00:24:16,476 --> 00:24:20,196 Speaker 1: meet is struggling hard. That's a saying, and it's true. 405 00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:24,636 Speaker 1: So I wanted to share that because when we look out, 406 00:24:25,396 --> 00:24:28,996 Speaker 1: rather than seeing the other person's space suit, seeing their 407 00:24:29,276 --> 00:24:33,316 Speaker 1: defensive ego or whatever it is, we see what's shining 408 00:24:33,316 --> 00:24:36,356 Speaker 1: through it more. We see the goodness, and so we 409 00:24:36,596 --> 00:24:39,076 Speaker 1: start to give each other that gift of seeing each 410 00:24:39,076 --> 00:24:42,596 Speaker 1: other's goodness, which is I think it's the greatest gift 411 00:24:43,156 --> 00:24:45,916 Speaker 1: we can give, and it's the medicine our world needs, 412 00:24:46,076 --> 00:24:48,756 Speaker 1: is that we can go around instead of reacting to 413 00:24:48,796 --> 00:24:52,476 Speaker 1: each other, pause and be able to see the spirit 414 00:24:52,596 --> 00:24:55,396 Speaker 1: or the light or the love that's living through those 415 00:24:55,436 --> 00:24:58,396 Speaker 1: eyes that are looking at us. Sometimes we can even 416 00:24:58,476 --> 00:25:01,636 Speaker 1: find you deeper connections in terms of our identities that 417 00:25:01,676 --> 00:25:04,036 Speaker 1: we didn't really expect. I've heard you tell this one 418 00:25:04,076 --> 00:25:06,436 Speaker 1: story of an army lieutenant who is using rain in 419 00:25:06,476 --> 00:25:08,716 Speaker 1: the grocery store, and it allowed for a kind of 420 00:25:08,756 --> 00:25:11,316 Speaker 1: connection across a level of polarization. I wonder if you'd 421 00:25:11,316 --> 00:25:13,996 Speaker 1: share that story too. I'd be glad too, because that's 422 00:25:14,036 --> 00:25:17,076 Speaker 1: one of the ones that most touched me. He had 423 00:25:17,076 --> 00:25:21,436 Speaker 1: to learn mindfulness through an anger management course. And there 424 00:25:21,476 --> 00:25:25,076 Speaker 1: was one day he was in a supermarket and he 425 00:25:25,196 --> 00:25:27,556 Speaker 1: had a whole pile of groceries that he wanted to buy. 426 00:25:27,596 --> 00:25:29,596 Speaker 1: The woman in front of him only had one item, 427 00:25:29,796 --> 00:25:32,876 Speaker 1: and she had a little girl, and she and the 428 00:25:33,236 --> 00:25:36,276 Speaker 1: clerk were ooing and eyeing over the little girl. And 429 00:25:36,316 --> 00:25:40,636 Speaker 1: so this lieutenant started getting chefs filled up with steam 430 00:25:40,676 --> 00:25:43,036 Speaker 1: with a lot of anger. And you know, who does 431 00:25:43,076 --> 00:25:45,396 Speaker 1: she think she is? And you know, I've got a 432 00:25:45,436 --> 00:25:47,476 Speaker 1: lot to do and I'm busy and did da dada, 433 00:25:47,876 --> 00:25:51,916 Speaker 1: and then he went, oh, yeah, signal practiced some mindfulness here, 434 00:25:52,316 --> 00:25:55,436 Speaker 1: so he had time. So inwardly he just you know, 435 00:25:55,596 --> 00:25:59,676 Speaker 1: recognized what was going on. He was angry, and you know, 436 00:25:59,756 --> 00:26:03,156 Speaker 1: let it be there for a moment and just felt 437 00:26:03,196 --> 00:26:08,196 Speaker 1: inside the clench and he registered that it wasn't anger. 438 00:26:08,596 --> 00:26:12,436 Speaker 1: It was is a real fear about not getting things done, 439 00:26:12,676 --> 00:26:15,236 Speaker 1: and so many of us know it that it's like 440 00:26:15,316 --> 00:26:17,196 Speaker 1: our life's going to go down the tubes if we 441 00:26:17,196 --> 00:26:19,276 Speaker 1: don't get the thing done we need to get done. 442 00:26:19,436 --> 00:26:22,956 Speaker 1: So he was feeling fair, you know, it's okay, it's okay. 443 00:26:22,996 --> 00:26:27,236 Speaker 1: He nurtured in a kind of mild way, took a 444 00:26:27,236 --> 00:26:29,996 Speaker 1: few deep breaths, and when he opened his eyes, he thought, oh, 445 00:26:30,076 --> 00:26:34,276 Speaker 1: that little girl's pretty cute. So the woman left with 446 00:26:34,316 --> 00:26:37,276 Speaker 1: the child, and when it was his term with the clerk, 447 00:26:37,356 --> 00:26:40,876 Speaker 1: he said, that little girl's really adorable, and the clerk beam. 448 00:26:41,036 --> 00:26:44,916 Speaker 1: She said, oh, that's that's my daughter. My mother takes 449 00:26:44,916 --> 00:26:46,996 Speaker 1: her over to visit me and my husband was killed 450 00:26:46,996 --> 00:26:49,436 Speaker 1: in Afghanistan last year and this is the only way 451 00:26:49,436 --> 00:26:54,476 Speaker 1: I have some time to be with my daughter. And 452 00:26:54,516 --> 00:26:59,916 Speaker 1: I remember when I heard that how much it struck 453 00:26:59,956 --> 00:27:05,156 Speaker 1: me that we just forget. We forget that just like us, 454 00:27:05,196 --> 00:27:09,116 Speaker 1: other people are living in uncertainty. It doesn't matter how 455 00:27:09,156 --> 00:27:13,916 Speaker 1: how much achievement they have, our money or whatever. It's 456 00:27:13,956 --> 00:27:17,036 Speaker 1: like everyone's in a body that's going to die, and 457 00:27:17,076 --> 00:27:21,676 Speaker 1: everyone we love. So it's an insecure world. And when 458 00:27:21,716 --> 00:27:26,196 Speaker 1: we can remember that, we enter the shared sense of 459 00:27:26,676 --> 00:27:31,436 Speaker 1: we're in it together. And there's something incredibly nourishing and 460 00:27:31,596 --> 00:27:35,076 Speaker 1: healing about knowing that we're in it together, and we 461 00:27:35,116 --> 00:27:37,716 Speaker 1: can show up for each other more. And you've seen 462 00:27:37,716 --> 00:27:41,036 Speaker 1: the benefits of firsthand about what happens when we really 463 00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:43,276 Speaker 1: take time to show up and connect. And so if 464 00:27:43,276 --> 00:27:45,156 Speaker 1: you're comfortable with that, kind of wanted you to sort 465 00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:47,036 Speaker 1: of finish the story of your mom, about what happened 466 00:27:47,036 --> 00:27:49,476 Speaker 1: towards the end of her life and how connected you 467 00:27:49,476 --> 00:27:51,756 Speaker 1: wound up feeling with her later on in part because 468 00:27:51,796 --> 00:27:56,516 Speaker 1: of some of these practices. Yeah, Well, my habit had 469 00:27:56,556 --> 00:28:00,196 Speaker 1: been to take her to a doctor's appointment, but really 470 00:28:00,196 --> 00:28:03,116 Speaker 1: be scheming on the quickest route and how can I 471 00:28:03,156 --> 00:28:05,436 Speaker 1: get back and get back to work, or be having 472 00:28:05,556 --> 00:28:07,516 Speaker 1: dinner with her, but trying to figure out how I 473 00:28:07,556 --> 00:28:11,476 Speaker 1: could get back to my computer. That stopped. And what 474 00:28:11,676 --> 00:28:15,076 Speaker 1: happens with rain is that once you practice it, it 475 00:28:15,116 --> 00:28:18,676 Speaker 1: can become quicker and more accessible. And that's why I 476 00:28:18,756 --> 00:28:21,596 Speaker 1: love rain, because even when we're caught up in a 477 00:28:21,676 --> 00:28:26,236 Speaker 1: really big reactivity, really angry, really upset about a mistake 478 00:28:26,276 --> 00:28:30,276 Speaker 1: we made, or blaming another, there's something in us that goes, okay, 479 00:28:30,516 --> 00:28:37,236 Speaker 1: I'm having a hard time, and we can remember, recognize, allow, investigate, nurture, 480 00:28:37,556 --> 00:28:41,636 Speaker 1: and so it becomes quicker. And so that's what happened, Laurie, 481 00:28:41,716 --> 00:28:43,796 Speaker 1: is that I would much more quickly catch it and 482 00:28:44,516 --> 00:28:47,476 Speaker 1: have what I call a light rain and be able 483 00:28:47,476 --> 00:28:50,516 Speaker 1: to show up for those moments. And those moments became 484 00:28:50,596 --> 00:28:53,556 Speaker 1: real moments, real life, not like I was on my 485 00:28:53,636 --> 00:28:56,756 Speaker 1: way back to doing something so that I could check 486 00:28:56,796 --> 00:28:59,316 Speaker 1: it off the list. You know, now that we're in 487 00:28:59,316 --> 00:29:01,556 Speaker 1: the new year, I think everybody's in this fees of 488 00:29:01,676 --> 00:29:04,996 Speaker 1: setting resolutions, you know, things they want to change about themselves. 489 00:29:05,316 --> 00:29:07,596 Speaker 1: You know, it's not often that we say, you know, 490 00:29:07,596 --> 00:29:09,916 Speaker 1: instead of the surface stuff, I want to dig in 491 00:29:09,956 --> 00:29:12,556 Speaker 1: and deal with my unmet needs, you know, talk about 492 00:29:12,556 --> 00:29:14,476 Speaker 1: some of the benefits for our happiness that we might 493 00:29:14,516 --> 00:29:16,876 Speaker 1: experience if we really, if every single one of us 494 00:29:16,916 --> 00:29:19,436 Speaker 1: just decided to sort of fight these trances and dig 495 00:29:19,476 --> 00:29:25,396 Speaker 1: more inward. Well, the most immediate thing is that we 496 00:29:25,476 --> 00:29:30,036 Speaker 1: start trusting ourselves. I talked about the trance of unworthiness 497 00:29:30,436 --> 00:29:34,916 Speaker 1: at the beginning, and most of us we don't like ourselves. 498 00:29:35,196 --> 00:29:38,316 Speaker 1: In other words, if we're caught in our defenses and 499 00:29:38,356 --> 00:29:42,476 Speaker 1: our aggressions, you know, if we're blaming other people underneath, 500 00:29:42,716 --> 00:29:47,196 Speaker 1: we're blaming ourselves. And so when we start learning this 501 00:29:47,636 --> 00:29:51,756 Speaker 1: practice of making the U turn and nurturing ourselves, we 502 00:29:51,836 --> 00:29:55,516 Speaker 1: trust ourselves more. We like who we are because we 503 00:29:55,636 --> 00:29:59,476 Speaker 1: sense a kind of essential being or spirit or whatever 504 00:29:59,516 --> 00:30:01,876 Speaker 1: we want to call it behind the space suit. That's 505 00:30:01,876 --> 00:30:04,756 Speaker 1: really the truth of who we are. And when we 506 00:30:05,156 --> 00:30:08,236 Speaker 1: look at other people, we start seeing that. So there's 507 00:30:08,316 --> 00:30:11,836 Speaker 1: a lot more of a sense of belonging to our world. 508 00:30:12,156 --> 00:30:15,796 Speaker 1: And for myself, one of the rain practices that most 509 00:30:16,156 --> 00:30:21,196 Speaker 1: nourish that was when I realized how many moments I 510 00:30:21,276 --> 00:30:24,356 Speaker 1: was moving through life and if I wasn't judging myself, 511 00:30:24,396 --> 00:30:27,556 Speaker 1: I was judging others. And so I began doing rain 512 00:30:27,676 --> 00:30:32,676 Speaker 1: on blame and it was such a powerful pathway to reconnecting. 513 00:30:32,996 --> 00:30:35,956 Speaker 1: We all blame, you know, whenever we feel threatened whenever 514 00:30:35,996 --> 00:30:38,996 Speaker 1: we're insecure, we do a lot of comparing and a 515 00:30:38,996 --> 00:30:42,396 Speaker 1: lot of blaming. So the way rain on blame works 516 00:30:42,516 --> 00:30:45,556 Speaker 1: is you just recognize, oh, judging, judging, and allow it 517 00:30:45,636 --> 00:30:48,796 Speaker 1: to be there, and then sense under the judging the 518 00:30:48,996 --> 00:30:52,716 Speaker 1: uneasiness in our own bodies. And when we bring nurturing 519 00:30:52,756 --> 00:30:55,956 Speaker 1: to ourselves, then we look through different eyes at another person. 520 00:30:56,396 --> 00:31:00,356 Speaker 1: And there's a little metaphor I often share that if 521 00:31:00,396 --> 00:31:04,116 Speaker 1: you imagine you're walking through the woods and you see 522 00:31:04,116 --> 00:31:06,316 Speaker 1: a little dog under a tree, and then you go 523 00:31:06,356 --> 00:31:10,276 Speaker 1: to pet the dog and the dog lurtures at you, 524 00:31:10,356 --> 00:31:14,036 Speaker 1: and it's fangs are bared and it's aggressive, and you 525 00:31:14,156 --> 00:31:17,876 Speaker 1: go from being friendly to being really angry. But then 526 00:31:17,956 --> 00:31:20,916 Speaker 1: you see that the dog has its leg in a trap. 527 00:31:22,036 --> 00:31:25,476 Speaker 1: You know, you poor thing. You might not go close 528 00:31:25,636 --> 00:31:29,156 Speaker 1: because it still could be dangerous, but your heart has shifted. 529 00:31:30,076 --> 00:31:35,596 Speaker 1: When we do rain and we sense underneath whatever's going on, 530 00:31:35,796 --> 00:31:39,996 Speaker 1: the vulnerability that's there, our heart gets more compassionate, so 531 00:31:40,036 --> 00:31:42,036 Speaker 1: that if we're behaving in a way we don't like, 532 00:31:42,716 --> 00:31:45,316 Speaker 1: but we can start sensing that behind it, there's an 533 00:31:45,396 --> 00:31:48,716 Speaker 1: unmet need. There's a need to feel seen, there's a 534 00:31:48,796 --> 00:31:51,276 Speaker 1: need to feel loved, there's a need to feel safe. 535 00:31:51,716 --> 00:31:54,956 Speaker 1: There's a lot more forgiveness, a lot more compassion, And 536 00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:58,236 Speaker 1: it's the same thing with others that when others are 537 00:31:58,316 --> 00:32:02,116 Speaker 1: behaving in ways that you don't like, they're hurting, they 538 00:32:02,156 --> 00:32:04,796 Speaker 1: have a leg in a trap. Again. We might, we 539 00:32:04,916 --> 00:32:08,156 Speaker 1: might create whatever boundaries we have to create an order 540 00:32:08,196 --> 00:32:11,556 Speaker 1: to be safe ourselves and to protect other people around us, 541 00:32:11,876 --> 00:32:15,796 Speaker 1: but our hearts are still caring. And when our hearts 542 00:32:16,276 --> 00:32:19,636 Speaker 1: stay open, that is the gift of rain medicine for 543 00:32:19,676 --> 00:32:26,516 Speaker 1: the world. If there's a medicine we all need right 544 00:32:26,516 --> 00:32:29,516 Speaker 1: now other than the COVID vaccine, it's one that makes 545 00:32:29,596 --> 00:32:32,396 Speaker 1: us stop to think about why we're feeling the emotions 546 00:32:32,396 --> 00:32:35,356 Speaker 1: we do and what those emotions are telling us about 547 00:32:35,396 --> 00:32:38,996 Speaker 1: our unmet needs. Before we start embarking on all those 548 00:32:39,036 --> 00:32:41,796 Speaker 1: big plans to be better, bolder, and busier this year, 549 00:32:42,156 --> 00:32:44,716 Speaker 1: we really need to consider what we're trying to achieve 550 00:32:45,076 --> 00:32:48,316 Speaker 1: and why is that plan something that will really make 551 00:32:48,356 --> 00:32:50,876 Speaker 1: you happy or is it just another space suit that 552 00:32:50,916 --> 00:32:53,676 Speaker 1: you're using to distract yourself so you won't have to 553 00:32:53,716 --> 00:32:57,196 Speaker 1: address a more fundamental thing that's really affecting your happiness. 554 00:32:58,156 --> 00:33:00,676 Speaker 1: In the final two episodes of Our January Mini season, 555 00:33:01,116 --> 00:33:04,716 Speaker 1: we'll drill into two very common and potentially problematic New 556 00:33:04,796 --> 00:33:10,076 Speaker 1: Year's resolutions, diet and exercise. We'll see the embracing a 557 00:33:10,116 --> 00:33:13,436 Speaker 1: more self compassionate approach to eating an activity is not 558 00:33:13,556 --> 00:33:17,516 Speaker 1: just a happier strategy, but also a more effective one too. 559 00:33:18,236 --> 00:33:20,036 Speaker 1: So I hope you'll be back for the next two 560 00:33:20,036 --> 00:33:23,916 Speaker 1: episodes of The Happiness Lab with me Doctor Laurie Santos. 561 00:33:29,836 --> 00:33:33,036 Speaker 1: The Happiness Lab was co written and produced by Ryan Dilley. 562 00:33:33,116 --> 00:33:35,756 Speaker 1: The show was mixed and mastered by Evan Viola, and 563 00:33:35,796 --> 00:33:39,716 Speaker 1: our original music was by Zachary Silver. Special thanks to 564 00:33:39,756 --> 00:33:44,796 Speaker 1: the entire Pushkin team, including Mia LaBelle, Maggie Taylor, Carlie mcgliori, 565 00:33:45,076 --> 00:33:49,476 Speaker 1: Heather Faine, Sophie Crane, mckibbon, Eric Sandler, Jacob Weisberg, and 566 00:33:49,596 --> 00:33:52,756 Speaker 1: my agent, Ben Davis. The Happiness Lab is brought to 567 00:33:52,756 --> 00:33:57,396 Speaker 1: you by Pushkin Industries an Doctor Laurie Santos.