1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,960 Speaker 1: All right, you're fired. What if that was actually good? 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: What if, like getting fired was the best thing that 3 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: ever happened to you. What if you like went into 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:11,000 Speaker 1: your job and you did absolutely nothing, but you actually 5 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 1: got paid. So, like, this story is diving into one 6 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,880 Speaker 1: such case of a guy that was paid to do 7 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:23,200 Speaker 1: absolutely nothing just sit on his butt. Maybe he's reading 8 00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 1: Reddit stories. Is this about me? No, I'm just kidding. 9 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,160 Speaker 1: I love I love my job. This is my first 10 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: solo episode without John. I miss him already. So say hey, John, 11 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 1: I miss you in the comments if you also miss John. 12 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 1: So we're gonna talk about what happens when you achieved 13 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:41,560 Speaker 1: the American dream, getting to do nothing and still making back. 14 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 1: An epiphany was had this morning as I peruse Reddit, sippin' code, 15 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: read and toying with the notion of stepping outside for 16 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 1: my third cigarette in an hour on a cigarette smoking kills. 17 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,160 Speaker 1: Nine years and two months of my life have been 18 00:00:56,160 --> 00:01:00,280 Speaker 1: devoted towards the goal of personal advancement within a small, 19 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:03,840 Speaker 1: get thriving company. I arrived one spring morning at the 20 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: offices of a local company, just a fifteen year old, 21 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 1: acne encrusted, bespeckled face in the crowd with a dot 22 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 1: Matrix printed resume extolling my massive abilities with the three 23 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:19,200 Speaker 1: eight six computer and willingness to work after school. I 24 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 1: was immediately hired at minimum wage and began a series 25 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 1: of menial jobs within said company, including authorizing credit card 26 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 1: and serving as a squeaky voice telephone operator. Great first 27 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,000 Speaker 1: job and one of my first jobs at Nike actually 28 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:36,360 Speaker 1: in Australia, selling shoes. It was awesome. Well that first job. 29 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,920 Speaker 1: Can look at someone's foot and know their size. I 30 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:42,080 Speaker 1: don't know why I'm winking. At sixteen, I graduated from 31 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,959 Speaker 1: high school and moved off to the wonderful world of college. 32 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 1: Yet for the sole reason of tuition reimbursement, I continued 33 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 1: with the same company, continuing to bounce around from department 34 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,360 Speaker 1: to department, serving as a van driver, a shipping and 35 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: receiving inspector, an mis administrator. I never stayed in one 36 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: place for very long, and it was during this time period, 37 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 1: the wonderfully blurry undergraduate years, that I unknowingly sowed the 38 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:11,600 Speaker 1: seeds of my current employment bliss. The groundwork was laid 39 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:16,320 Speaker 1: so exciting, foreshadowing happening right now come graduate school. My 40 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 1: contributions to side company began to become clear to some 41 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,399 Speaker 1: in positions of power. I was transferred for the eleventh 42 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,080 Speaker 1: time in six years, this time to a place of 43 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,680 Speaker 1: some responsibility for the everyday running of the company. Man's 44 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,799 Speaker 1: moving up in the world. Become the head honcho. By 45 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 1: day I struggled to comprehend super string theory, laboring under 46 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:39,920 Speaker 1: the false assumption that a master's degree in physics would 47 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,800 Speaker 1: bring exciting things for me. By night I climbed the 48 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 1: corporate ladder supervision, ship, management, power. Man's gonna breack and 49 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: become Jeff Bezos in no time. I had it all 50 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,120 Speaker 1: at the age of twenty one, A brand new piece 51 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:57,120 Speaker 1: of paper designating me a master in physical sciences and 52 00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 1: a management position in a strong company. A score of 53 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:04,440 Speaker 1: people twice my age reporting to me Man as minions 54 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,880 Speaker 1: that are like mid forties with receding hairlines is pretty sick. 55 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,920 Speaker 1: I worked seventy hours a week, but I believe that 56 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,080 Speaker 1: I had achieved in a short amount of time what 57 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 1: it had taken my father fifty years to attain. Good 58 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:19,079 Speaker 1: on you, Op, Good on You. Then came September eleventh, 59 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,359 Speaker 1: as the Twin Towers fell, the economy fell with it. 60 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 1: Man that sucks. You know it doesn't suck though, is 61 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:28,320 Speaker 1: September eleventh flight deals. We flew on September eleventh, and 62 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,800 Speaker 1: we got like twenty five percent off. Faced with massive layoffs, 63 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,360 Speaker 1: my company was forced to cut my entire department and 64 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: leave all responsibilities solely in my hands. I was a 65 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:44,760 Speaker 1: manager with no employees, a general without narvy. No more 66 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 1: balding people to do your bidding, bro, no more bald bidders. 67 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: I associate like office work with shiny heads. But I 68 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 1: just I just do. Yet I still toiled long and hard, 69 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,760 Speaker 1: long and hard. It continued this way for three months. 70 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 1: I never slept, I spent every waking minute at the office, 71 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,720 Speaker 1: yet convinced myself this was still the greatest thing going. 72 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:11,640 Speaker 1: The American dream, dude, Americas just love to work themselves death. 73 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,240 Speaker 1: How is why is that the American dream? That it's 74 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,240 Speaker 1: just like I Am going to work until I die, 75 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,840 Speaker 1: and then my children will get the work until they die, 76 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,159 Speaker 1: and then their grandchildren will do the same forever and ever? 77 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: How was that American dream? I think there should be 78 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:28,040 Speaker 1: more doing nothing. One day, in a morning coffee and 79 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,720 Speaker 1: donuts meeting, a vice president suggested the possibility of moving 80 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 1: myself and my responsibilities out of the corporate offices to 81 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:39,840 Speaker 1: a satellite facility some a thousand miles away. Dude, your 82 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,760 Speaker 1: vice president is trying to get rid of you. It's like, hey, 83 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: you're doing a great job here, but like you smell 84 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: so bad, and I would love it if you just 85 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 1: did your work a thousand miles away. I would love 86 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,039 Speaker 1: it if you just did your work so I didn't 87 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,000 Speaker 1: have to look at you, look at your non shiny head, 88 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: because really, when I look at someone's head, I want 89 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,479 Speaker 1: to look at myself, and you're not bald enough for 90 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,000 Speaker 1: me to do that. Fucking vice presidents with their ego 91 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:08,400 Speaker 1: bro a thousand miles away. That's so bad anyway. Seeing 92 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:11,719 Speaker 1: this as an opportunity for advancement, I jump op. He 93 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:15,520 Speaker 1: never fails to make it, you know, some silver lining 94 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: in this bitch. So I arrive, acquired a large office 95 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: in a remote corner of said facility, and continued with 96 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:29,359 Speaker 1: my march towards greatness. Freakin the caesar of boring office jobs. 97 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,360 Speaker 1: At two brute vice president stabbing me in the back 98 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 1: by putting me a thousand miles away. But maybe this 99 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,039 Speaker 1: is maybe this is a good thing. So then something 100 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:42,359 Speaker 1: strange and wonderful happened. In Outlook, an email appeared with 101 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:46,559 Speaker 1: my name in the courtesy copyfield. Apparently, a new vice 102 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 1: president had decided to delegate the responsibilities that once were 103 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:54,800 Speaker 1: mine to another department, which is not good because that 104 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:58,479 Speaker 1: means that you are no longer needed. That means your 105 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:06,080 Speaker 1: job is completely like superfluous, superfluous, it's just not needed. 106 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:10,600 Speaker 1: Your job is eliminated. You're about to be fired. Ah okay, 107 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,919 Speaker 1: as Op says. Too immediately frightened for my job and 108 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 1: my well being, I was tempted to scream out, yet 109 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 1: thankfully I remained silent. 110 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:24,920 Speaker 2: Like a little lamb, silently waiting on top of the hill, 111 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 2: ready to be shared. But maybe the lamb doesn't bow. 112 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,320 Speaker 2: It won't be shared, It'll be spared. Its coat will 113 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 2: grow thick and fury and curly, and that it'll be 114 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:38,960 Speaker 2: twice the oomph, twice the butt fur that it would 115 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:39,320 Speaker 2: have had. 116 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm talking about, lamb, but for anyway, 117 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 1: I continued to come into the office on time every day, 118 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,760 Speaker 1: picked up the random pieces of my old job that 119 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:52,120 Speaker 1: were left scattered in the transition, and waited for the 120 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:56,160 Speaker 1: word that my friends was four months ago to the day. 121 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 1: After thirty days, I became convinced that I was a forgotten, 122 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:05,279 Speaker 1: non digestible entity in the corporate stomach. Wow, what a 123 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:09,200 Speaker 1: what a metaphor. Man is the piece of gum that 124 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 1: just stuck to the lower end testin of Big Daddy Warbucks, 125 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:18,360 Speaker 1: never to be flushed down the toilet of corporate efficiency. 126 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,640 Speaker 1: No man ever comes over to ask for anything. Although 127 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,880 Speaker 1: I am but a manager and directors roam the hallways 128 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: like rabid hyenas, I am much too senior to all 129 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:32,320 Speaker 1: of them for them to attempt an attack. Every once 130 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 1: in a while, the phone will ring, an old acquaintance 131 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:38,240 Speaker 1: will ask for help solving a problem, and I gladly comply. 132 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 1: Sometimes I let the phone ring, but the voicemail light 133 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 1: never comes on. They move on to the next target 134 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 1: under the false assumption that I am much too busy 135 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:53,560 Speaker 1: to be bothered. So OPI is just like dodging every 136 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: every attempt at someone in the company trying to make 137 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:02,880 Speaker 1: them work. OP is freaking sing about, like freaking dodging 138 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: bullets left and right, like oh like can you do 139 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:11,720 Speaker 1: this test? Oh can you like sign the mo freaking 140 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:16,120 Speaker 1: neo over here? I start coming in later wearing blue 141 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:20,920 Speaker 1: jeans on Monday, the goal testing my limits. I take 142 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,559 Speaker 1: twenty five cigarette breaks a day. Oh, pe, you gotta 143 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: that's a pack of day. You gotta. You gotta slow down. 144 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,440 Speaker 1: Come back into my air condition office, dim the lights, 145 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:34,080 Speaker 1: and browse the Internet in a half comatose state until 146 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 1: I determined that it's time to pack up for the day. 147 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: Old copies of Baseball Weekly adorn the mahogany desk. The 148 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:46,199 Speaker 1: reams of paper lie in and around the unattended trashman, 149 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 1: each covered with random drawings of stick figures and jet fighters. 150 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 1: This is like just like the board kid in school, 151 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,640 Speaker 1: you know, like like you know, like when you would 152 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: I don't know if you ever did this, but like 153 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: I would draw like that SA's in school, and like 154 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,640 Speaker 1: that was my big doodle or Dix. Let's be real, 155 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 1: it was more dicks than says. It was a big 156 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,880 Speaker 1: dick drawer. I often roam the hallways with a piece 157 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:14,240 Speaker 1: of paper and a mug of coffee, exchanging pleasantries and 158 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:18,120 Speaker 1: talking about the weather and equally mindless topics with my coworkers. 159 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,080 Speaker 1: I go to meetings and other managers gaze with reverence 160 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 1: at my presence. I'm never invited, but to those who 161 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:29,319 Speaker 1: know not what I do, I am respected and welcomed, 162 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 1: which is like the ultimate sign of respects. Like I 163 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 1: have no idea what that guy does, but like, damn, 164 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: let's give him a little nod. Do a great work, 165 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 1: Bill doing great work? Oh, B, what are you working on? 166 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,440 Speaker 1: It would take too long to explain, as in I 167 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,839 Speaker 1: have a lot of Reddit to read right now, and 168 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,079 Speaker 1: I don't want to explain it to you. It hit 169 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 1: me this morning that perhaps all of my endless toil 170 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:56,160 Speaker 1: and hard work has landed me here. I've transferred so 171 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,559 Speaker 1: much within the company that all my paperwork has long 172 00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:03,480 Speaker 1: since misplaced. I exist only in a computer program that 173 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:07,560 Speaker 1: spits out a four digit paycheck to my bank account 174 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,960 Speaker 1: every other Thursday. Just another tick on the underbelly of 175 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 1: the corporate WARTOK, what's with all these animal references? Too 176 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 1: senior to be fired, too misunderstood to be bothered. I 177 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:26,240 Speaker 1: am truly the forgotten employee, and so my Reddit friends, 178 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:29,079 Speaker 1: I am quite open to suggestions about how I may 179 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:33,320 Speaker 1: truly test the boundaries of my newly discovered freedom. A 180 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: webcam lays in its box underneath my desk, awaiting my 181 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: motivation to install it. No suggestion is outside the boundary 182 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:45,880 Speaker 1: of reason or consideration. For I have found my holy grail. 183 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 1: I have achieved the American dream. And there is a 184 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,320 Speaker 1: part two to this, But like what should OPI do? 185 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: My first thing is like, okay, if you're trying to 186 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 1: test the limits, you're really trying to test the limits, 187 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,559 Speaker 1: Like try to go on a vacation, like ditch the office, 188 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:07,080 Speaker 1: go remote, bro, Like turn on that webcam and get 189 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 1: this like a green screen and say like, oh no, 190 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,839 Speaker 1: I'm aut the office. Just like I would, I would 191 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 1: try to move around a little bit, because then if 192 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 1: you could still get the paycheck and not have to 193 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: show in at all, then that that's the true American dream. 194 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,720 Speaker 1: And this kind of reminds me of like office space. 195 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,880 Speaker 1: I don't know why, Like like I don't know if 196 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: anyone seem office space, but Milton in office space, he 197 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,400 Speaker 1: has this red stapler and he's like continuously just moved 198 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:39,240 Speaker 1: around the office into like worse and worse locations till 199 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,720 Speaker 1: eventually he's like in the basement away from everyone else. 200 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 1: The only thing about that situation is Milton is not 201 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 1: paid and this guy is, So I feel like this 202 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 1: guy's actually it like like he's hit the jackpot. The 203 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,480 Speaker 1: thing is my question to you, though, is if you 204 00:11:56,559 --> 00:12:00,680 Speaker 1: hit this kind of jackpot, do you tempt fate by 205 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,760 Speaker 1: trying to be a little bold and see if you 206 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,680 Speaker 1: can like not show up to the office. Do you 207 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 1: temp fate? That is my question to you. Put your 208 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: answer to the commons and say I choose to teb 209 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,680 Speaker 1: fate if you would try to push things a little 210 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:19,880 Speaker 1: bit or say I am a safe sally if you 211 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,480 Speaker 1: would not, and just like keep taking the check. But 212 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,040 Speaker 1: let's get into part two of the story. All that 213 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 1: I have worked for over the past five months of 214 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:32,280 Speaker 1: not working nearly came to a horrible death this past Friday. 215 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:36,199 Speaker 1: It's because you try to tup fate, those fate tempthers. 216 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,240 Speaker 1: You know, you're rocking the boat and you're just gonna 217 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 1: get tossed away. You're gonna drown at sea, You're gonna 218 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 1: eaten by a sea bonster. You get a meat and 219 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,360 Speaker 1: MESSI go on a date and then get catfish dragged 220 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,559 Speaker 1: by that catfish into the depths of the sea and 221 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: buried under the mud. And that's not what you want. 222 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,959 Speaker 1: I arrived at the office at ten thirty, still dressed 223 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 1: in the wrinkled khaki pants from my very lengthy Thursday 224 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:02,679 Speaker 1: night at the bar, I sneaked into the side door 225 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 1: and made a beeline for my office. On the way, 226 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,160 Speaker 1: I was stopped by an electrician who informed me that 227 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,840 Speaker 1: they were working on the air conditioning in the office 228 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,760 Speaker 1: building and that some sections of the sprawling complex would 229 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,840 Speaker 1: be without electricity during different parts of the day. He 230 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,520 Speaker 1: reassured me that if I was indeed in an occupied 231 00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:25,200 Speaker 1: area of the building, that I would be informed in 232 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,439 Speaker 1: plenty of time. Of course, since nobody knows I exist, 233 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,080 Speaker 1: I expected to be left in the darkness at some 234 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,040 Speaker 1: point during the day. The guy's not even going to 235 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: come out of his office when it's completely dark and 236 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:40,280 Speaker 1: the lights are turned off and the energy is no more. 237 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,800 Speaker 1: Man is just going to silently browse Reddit and not 238 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,800 Speaker 1: try to rock the boats, except maybe the boat will 239 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 1: be rocked anyway. I eased into my office, shut the door, 240 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:55,240 Speaker 1: and sat down at my desk. My morning regimen consists 241 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,920 Speaker 1: of checking baseball scores, a quick once over of Reddit, 242 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: and then off to randomly scour the network drive for 243 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:06,240 Speaker 1: Excel documents. I will pull up at least five spreadsheets 244 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:11,520 Speaker 1: ranging from actual important price sheets to recent company softball scores. 245 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: It doesn't matter as long as it's an Excel document. 246 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:19,720 Speaker 1: Is Is it that easy to like just trick people 247 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 1: that you are working on something there's no one ever 248 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 1: I guess, yeah, you explain he's too soonior to be 249 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 1: checked on. But things that easy. I print them out 250 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,240 Speaker 1: then walk to the other side of the office building 251 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 1: to copy them. Somehow, in my mind, this makes it 252 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,800 Speaker 1: look like I'm working, and looks are the most important thing. 253 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,480 Speaker 1: That is so true of corporate America, Like when I 254 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:44,080 Speaker 1: worked in four or like around corporate people, it's all 255 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: appearances and it's just giant like finger blaming and finger 256 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: pointing game of like oh no, no, I didn't fuck up, 257 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 1: that guy fucked up. It's just I hate it. I 258 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 1: hate it. It's so false and so just like inauthentic, 259 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 1: like like no one will say anything to your face. 260 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,680 Speaker 1: It's like it's like, oh, like I'm sorry for your 261 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you misunderstood, which means just like I'm 262 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 1: sorry that you're a fucking idiot and can't understand something simple, 263 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,960 Speaker 1: like just like all of these corporate double speak things 264 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,000 Speaker 1: that I hate anyway. On my way to the copy 265 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 1: machine I was, I was stopped by a fellow manager, 266 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,600 Speaker 1: one who actually works, which I assume is most of 267 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 1: the people at this company. He reminded me, reminded of 268 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:31,440 Speaker 1: a eleven o'clock meeting in the conference room, and I 269 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 1: played dumb. I guess, like, only way to play it 270 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,240 Speaker 1: right if you have no idea what's going on? Oh, 271 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 1: you have to have gotten the email it was sent 272 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 1: to all the managers, he replied, not knowing that I 273 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 1: was the forgotten employee, the employee that never works of 274 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,600 Speaker 1: company X. I tried to wiggle my way out of it, 275 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 1: but I was stuck. But grudgingly I made my way 276 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 1: into the brightly lit conference room, thinking that it couldn't 277 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,480 Speaker 1: be that bad. After all, it was Friday, there would 278 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 1: probably be Crispy Kreme don't and I could just easily 279 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:05,840 Speaker 1: sit there and not say a word. But I was very, 280 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,200 Speaker 1: very wrong. First rule of I guess being the forgotten 281 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: employee is don't be memorable at all and don't go 282 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:18,200 Speaker 1: to any meetings. Don't go to any meetings first. I 283 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:19,640 Speaker 1: feel like it's a one way trip to be a 284 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:25,240 Speaker 1: sign something bad. Bad Sign number one nowhere in the room. 285 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 1: Was there the distinct aroma of honey glaize goodness? Even 286 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:33,960 Speaker 1: the coffee pot was ominously switched off. This is a 287 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: horribly bad sign in the corporate world. Lack of food 288 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:41,520 Speaker 1: means that the meeting will be about business related issues. 289 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: What meetings are people having anyone that worked in corporate? 290 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 1: What are the other meetings beside business related issues that 291 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,560 Speaker 1: people are having? Because is that now? Isn't that the 292 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:56,840 Speaker 1: point of meetings? Okay? Anyway? Bad side number two. The 293 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:01,120 Speaker 1: normal large conference table is nowhere to be found. In 294 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,480 Speaker 1: its place is a U shaped formation of folding tables. 295 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:11,200 Speaker 1: U shaped formation equals audience participation equals horribly horribly bad. 296 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,600 Speaker 1: I hope, op, he's like coming up with some story 297 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: of like what he's been doing for the past six months. 298 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:22,560 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I've been working on the Eggerton account. I've 299 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:26,200 Speaker 1: been working on this Xcel spreadsheet and also making sure 300 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,600 Speaker 1: morale is high by choosing the softball team for the 301 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:34,240 Speaker 1: company kickoff next quarter. But I didn't even know at 302 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,120 Speaker 1: what do you even say? What do you even say? 303 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,400 Speaker 1: And how do you prove it? If they follow up? 304 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,880 Speaker 1: This is co grad right now. Bad sign number three. 305 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:47,240 Speaker 1: I reflexively reached over by the door for the inevitable 306 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:52,800 Speaker 1: handout and felt nothing. No handout equals note taking is mandatory. 307 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:57,439 Speaker 1: I begin to have a very sinking feeling about this meeting. 308 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 1: Bad sign number four stand in front of the stained 309 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 1: dry race board was the nemesis of all forgotten employees. 310 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:13,199 Speaker 1: The director of People's Services aka human Resources Nazi. I 311 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:16,879 Speaker 1: was a warsaw jew face to face with Himmler. Okay ov, 312 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: are we taking this a little bit far? But then again, 313 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:24,919 Speaker 1: OPI's fake lively that is on the line. So she 314 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,679 Speaker 1: glanced at me as I quickly averted my stare. But 315 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:29,679 Speaker 1: I thought that I may have caught a glimmer of 316 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:33,200 Speaker 1: recognition in her eyes. Recognition is the enemy of the 317 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:37,480 Speaker 1: forgotten employee. Remember that, and that, my friends scared the 318 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 1: hell out of me. The beer sweat started rolling off 319 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: my forehead as I ran through my options. I was 320 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:46,280 Speaker 1: about fifteen feet inside the doorway and she had seen me. 321 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,639 Speaker 1: Quick flight was out of the question. I was forced 322 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,720 Speaker 1: to sit through this meeting and try to keep my cover. 323 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,080 Speaker 1: Looking at the U shape formation of tables, I decided 324 00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:59,560 Speaker 1: to sit directly in the middle, contending that if any 325 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,159 Speaker 1: type of let's go around the room, shit wentter on. 326 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 1: She would undoubtedly start from one of the ends of 327 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 1: the room. I took my company's cell phone off and 328 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 1: set it on the table, then proceeded to sit and wait. Also, 329 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,280 Speaker 1: OP is playing some like forty chess right now. Like 330 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,240 Speaker 1: the fact that OP thought to sit in the middle 331 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 1: is genius. I mean, there's a lot of work that 332 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:26,800 Speaker 1: goes into not working. This is not easy. No, I 333 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,439 Speaker 1: don't think anyone could just pull this off. So but 334 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,520 Speaker 1: take notes. Take notes. Unfortunately, the meeting turned into my 335 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:38,240 Speaker 1: worst nightmare. Buzzwords started king off alarms in my head 336 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:43,520 Speaker 1: as they flowed from the mouth of the hideous HR gargoyle. Teamwork, 337 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:49,480 Speaker 1: employee insight, departmental budgets, etc. The meeting was a quarterly 338 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:53,840 Speaker 1: employee idea meeting where managers would gather and share what 339 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,119 Speaker 1: work their teams had accomplished and what they were looking 340 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,680 Speaker 1: forward to and considering my team had I've been effing 341 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,720 Speaker 1: contracted on September eleventh, and I was currently a free 342 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,960 Speaker 1: agent with no intention of signing with anybody. I was worried. 343 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,239 Speaker 1: And then it happened, Let's go around the room and 344 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:16,199 Speaker 1: say what the general view among your reporting employees is 345 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:21,399 Speaker 1: to the future of company X shit. I knew I 346 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,320 Speaker 1: was fucked and I needed to get out. My heart 347 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 1: skipped a beat as the first ass kisser on the 348 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:30,680 Speaker 1: end started babbling away about how great his employees are 349 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,520 Speaker 1: and started calling them off by name. I needed a 350 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:38,159 Speaker 1: fire alarm, a stroke, or a meteor strike, and it 351 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:42,000 Speaker 1: needed to be soon. Ope, he is asking for the 352 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:46,000 Speaker 1: most a meteor strike. You want to have something that 353 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:50,960 Speaker 1: made the dinosaurs go extinct to make this meeting go extinct. 354 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 1: You want to go that far. But maybe that's what's needed. 355 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,880 Speaker 1: Before I was forced to open my mouth and out 356 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 1: myself as a non working leech to the rest of 357 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,199 Speaker 1: the world, my eyes searched the room for something to 358 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,879 Speaker 1: help me out. The fire alarm was too far away, 359 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,159 Speaker 1: as was the window. The light switch was directly behind me, 360 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,840 Speaker 1: but was only as a last resort. I had almost 361 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,840 Speaker 1: given up hope when my eyes situated on the table 362 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,680 Speaker 1: in front of me, my cell phone. I needed a 363 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,800 Speaker 1: phone call, and I needed it as soon as possible. 364 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,560 Speaker 1: Teleconese has failed me for a good two minutes. As 365 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,360 Speaker 1: it came closer and closer to being my turn, then 366 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:32,800 Speaker 1: I realized something amazing. I was wearing my bar pants. 367 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,400 Speaker 1: The beauty of my bar pants is that they have 368 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:42,159 Speaker 1: amazingly deep pockets. Is that fashion? It sounds like cargo pants. 369 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,240 Speaker 1: It sounds like cargo pants, and cargo pants are the 370 00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:47,400 Speaker 1: enemy of fashion. Prove me wrong in the comments if 371 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:51,320 Speaker 1: you think not. I also feel like pockets are generally 372 00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:55,200 Speaker 1: the enemy of fashion, like utility is the enemy of fashion. 373 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,320 Speaker 1: That's why all the you know, like like all of 374 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,760 Speaker 1: my girlfriends that have like you know, like cute little 375 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:05,359 Speaker 1: dresses or pants. No, not, no functional pockets. And it 376 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:09,680 Speaker 1: looks great because there are no pockets. And nestled down 377 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,959 Speaker 1: past the crumpled up one dollar bills, the napkins, the receipts, 378 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,359 Speaker 1: and the bud light bottle caps. Was my saving grace. 379 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,560 Speaker 1: My wife's cell phone. Why do you have your wife's 380 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 1: cell phone? And listed under the letter A in her 381 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 1: pre program numbers was my work cell phone. A rush 382 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,560 Speaker 1: of excitement filled me, and my hands started slowly inching 383 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,480 Speaker 1: towards my pocket. Because of the angle of my leg 384 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,920 Speaker 1: I couldn't reach into my pants without drawing unwonted attention. 385 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:43,920 Speaker 1: Sounds like you're about to start masturbating. But let's move 386 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,600 Speaker 1: past that, so I had to make a go for it. 387 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,399 Speaker 1: From the outside, still sounds like you're masturbating. It was 388 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:53,720 Speaker 1: only two clicks, one on the down button in the 389 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 1: middle to highlight my number, and the other on the 390 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: send button, but timing was crucial as it came close 391 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,359 Speaker 1: to my time to speak. I felt the outline of 392 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:06,280 Speaker 1: the phone, my fingers skimming the display screen, and pushed 393 00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:09,679 Speaker 1: down once on the scroll button, then mashed to the 394 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,080 Speaker 1: left to send the call. I believe victory was mine, 395 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:17,280 Speaker 1: but unfortunately the phone on the desk remained silent. Also, 396 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:22,119 Speaker 1: I guess this story is a little ways away from 397 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:25,919 Speaker 1: the present because he ain't not a touch screen. I 398 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:30,440 Speaker 1: believed ten seconds past twenty seconds, and yet nothing happened. 399 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:34,959 Speaker 1: I had obviously highlighted the wrong name to call. It 400 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,199 Speaker 1: struck me as mildly humorous, and somewhere one of my 401 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,119 Speaker 1: wife's friends was answering a call from her cell phone, 402 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: blissfully unaware of my epic struggle to free myself from 403 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,399 Speaker 1: the meeting from hell. As soon as it was obvious 404 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,560 Speaker 1: that I dialed the wrong number, I moved my thumb 405 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:55,720 Speaker 1: back to the right and punched the end button approximately 406 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:59,439 Speaker 1: ten times. Hoping to cancel everything out. The train of 407 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,600 Speaker 1: talking had reached the person sitting next to me, and 408 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,720 Speaker 1: the focus of the room was in my general direction. 409 00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:09,320 Speaker 1: I probably only had one chance to pull it off, 410 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,600 Speaker 1: and I had to do it discreetly. Again, if you're 411 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:16,320 Speaker 1: like messing with stuff in your pocket, it's gonna like 412 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:21,600 Speaker 1: that looks really that looks really sketchy. So I wish 413 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 1: you the best, Opie. You try to call discreetly. With 414 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,119 Speaker 1: my body turned towards the speaker, my hand creeped down 415 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:34,000 Speaker 1: once more. I coughed slightly as a distraction, while my 416 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,760 Speaker 1: fingers made a ninja flick across the scroll and send keys. 417 00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:40,600 Speaker 1: Then I moved my hands to the table and waited. 418 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,399 Speaker 1: Five seconds. Ten seconds went by. The person next to 419 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,199 Speaker 1: me was finishing up. It was almost my turn. I 420 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 1: thought I was completely done for, and then it happened. 421 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:54,399 Speaker 1: The cell phone lit up and the telltale Nokia tone 422 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:59,439 Speaker 1: started resonating through the room. OPI has done it, all 423 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,320 Speaker 1: eyes to me, as I tried my hardest to contain 424 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: my elation. I grabbed my phone and pushed the answer button. 425 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:10,480 Speaker 1: Ben I said authoritatively. My voice echoed through the speaker 426 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,000 Speaker 1: as the cell phone in my pocket, picked up the 427 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,280 Speaker 1: background noise. Oh yes, sir, mister name of the company 428 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,680 Speaker 1: vice president at the corporate office. I have the information 429 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:22,160 Speaker 1: at my desk. Can it Wait? Oh, I understand, okay, Wait, 430 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,879 Speaker 1: so Ophie just faked a call from his boss. I 431 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,680 Speaker 1: then covered up the phone and said to the hr Nazi, 432 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,399 Speaker 1: do you mind? She was taken aback, but smiled and nodded. 433 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,600 Speaker 1: It was all the break I needed. I sprung out 434 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,280 Speaker 1: of the chair and headed for the door, pretending like 435 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,159 Speaker 1: I was talking, nodding absent mindedly to myself, engaged in 436 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:46,800 Speaker 1: a pretend conversation with my pants. But I was temporarily free. 437 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:50,440 Speaker 1: I hurried back to my office, closed the door, and waited. 438 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:53,560 Speaker 1: The time was twelve noon, and I was sure that 439 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,280 Speaker 1: soon the hr Nazi would show her face and asked 440 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,560 Speaker 1: to sit down and chat about what I had missed 441 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:02,200 Speaker 1: at the meeting. I brows read it in other forums 442 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:07,160 Speaker 1: for the next four hours. Four hours you're in your 443 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:11,359 Speaker 1: little office away from the meeting. Oh my god. Every 444 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,239 Speaker 1: set of footsteps by my door, sending me on a 445 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:19,320 Speaker 1: frenzy of window minimization. Four o'clock rolled by cars began 446 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,639 Speaker 1: to leave the parking lot, my phone had not rung, 447 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:27,119 Speaker 1: my outlook inbox was still empty. At five o'clock, the 448 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: lights went out in my office. I sat in complete 449 00:26:31,119 --> 00:26:37,080 Speaker 1: darkness for five minutes, ten minutes, op is really trying 450 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:40,040 Speaker 1: not to get caught here. A half hour went by 451 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,720 Speaker 1: as I sat in a semi days alone in a 452 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:47,760 Speaker 1: dark office. Then it hit me. I was safe, I 453 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,840 Speaker 1: was forgotten. All was right with the world. I took 454 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,560 Speaker 1: out my cell phone and played a silent, celebratory game 455 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,600 Speaker 1: of snake. And there is more. There's a part three 456 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,439 Speaker 1: part of this story, but man like it, Just like 457 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:07,480 Speaker 1: this story makes me think of just how overbloated corporate 458 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:11,040 Speaker 1: America is, Like how many of us actually need to 459 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,960 Speaker 1: be working, Like do we even need to be working 460 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 1: at all for the world to keep running? Like how 461 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:19,280 Speaker 1: many workers could we fire and everything would be okay? 462 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:22,880 Speaker 1: It's like, uh, I don't know if this is actually true, 463 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,640 Speaker 1: but like like when Twitter was bought by Elon Musk, 464 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,600 Speaker 1: He's like, oh, we can fire eighty percent of the 465 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,720 Speaker 1: workers and it's still run. I don't know if that's true. 466 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,960 Speaker 1: I don't think it's true, but like, even if it's 467 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,480 Speaker 1: a fraction of that is right, Like how bloated are 468 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:42,280 Speaker 1: American or just corporations in general? Probably Hella? And so 469 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: I'm just thinking, like, if OP can do it, can 470 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,040 Speaker 1: you too? Can you have the American dreams sitting on 471 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,840 Speaker 1: your ass reading Reddit stories and not having to do 472 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:56,399 Speaker 1: one lick of work? Let me know if, like, you 473 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,400 Speaker 1: know anything about corporate America, and anyone who knows anything 474 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:04,640 Speaker 1: about corporate America, is it as like bloated and bureaucratic 475 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,359 Speaker 1: as OP is making it seem. I don't really know, 476 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:10,120 Speaker 1: because I haven't really worked many corporate jobs. But let's 477 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:13,280 Speaker 1: get into part three. I had been dreading this day 478 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:15,480 Speaker 1: in the back of my mind. I knew it was coming. 479 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,679 Speaker 1: In all my years here, my anniversary date has held 480 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:22,560 Speaker 1: as a beacon of hope, the promise of yet another 481 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,280 Speaker 1: pay raise, yet another shining star in the corporate report 482 00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:30,000 Speaker 1: card that would one day land me a corner office 483 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,439 Speaker 1: with a view. This year, however, I wish that it 484 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:37,560 Speaker 1: would never come. I was sure that my ninth anniversary 485 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:41,680 Speaker 1: at this corporate juggernaut would raise sufficient enough flags to 486 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:46,040 Speaker 1: bring the human resources ninjas swinging through my office windows, 487 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:50,440 Speaker 1: sending the old copies of Baseball Weekly and Collected Mountain 488 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:54,959 Speaker 1: dew bottles flying in a mailstrom of broken dreams as 489 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,960 Speaker 1: they hauled me off to some cubicle to start being 490 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 1: a productive member of society. Because again, Opie is thinking, 491 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,200 Speaker 1: I guess like every year you might get like as 492 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 1: like a status report of like, hey, did you do 493 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 1: a good job, and then maybe you get a raise. 494 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,680 Speaker 1: But if they do this, then they're gonna be like, wait, so, like, 495 00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,480 Speaker 1: what have you been doing that you deserve this raise? 496 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,400 Speaker 1: So let's get into it. The email was waiting for 497 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:21,959 Speaker 1: me as I came in late to work. The return 498 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,760 Speaker 1: address was the same. The return address was a name 499 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,800 Speaker 1: that I did not recognize, but the all familiar HR 500 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,239 Speaker 1: printed in bold at the end of it sent a 501 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:34,160 Speaker 1: shiver up my spine. I opened it up, and all 502 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:41,360 Speaker 1: at once a feeling of relief, bewilderment, and hope overcame me. Wait, 503 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:44,640 Speaker 1: what could what could this be? There's no way this 504 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:48,360 Speaker 1: man's getting a raise for not doing a single bit 505 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:52,480 Speaker 1: of work for months and months and months. Quote Moonshine 506 00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:56,520 Speaker 1: employ for one two. Our records indicate that you are 507 00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 1: due for an annual performance review on September tenth. Please 508 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:06,480 Speaker 1: report to your designated departmental director none on none for 509 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:12,920 Speaker 1: your review. As you are a non supervised managerial other employee, 510 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:18,959 Speaker 1: please submit a self review detailing past accomplishments. Self reviews 511 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:23,360 Speaker 1: must be submitted no later than September thirteenth to Employee 512 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:28,680 Speaker 1: review at company name dot com Best Regards hr NAZI. Wait, 513 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,560 Speaker 1: so he gets to review himself? Is this? 514 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 2: Like? 515 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:34,800 Speaker 1: This is like I don't know if you've ever written 516 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:37,720 Speaker 1: like a reference letter for yourself, like one of you. 517 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:41,240 Speaker 1: I remember, like when I was in high school, one 518 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,760 Speaker 1: of my high school teachers like hey. I was like, 519 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:45,560 Speaker 1: I asked one of my high school teachers, like, hey, 520 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 1: can you write a reference letter for me? And he's 521 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,720 Speaker 1: like yeah, yeah, I just write it yourself and then 522 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,400 Speaker 1: I'll sign it. And I wrote the most glowing like 523 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:56,040 Speaker 1: Samuel Donner is the best student I've had in my 524 00:30:56,200 --> 00:31:00,320 Speaker 1: twenty years of teaching at Royola High School and I 525 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:04,400 Speaker 1: will never recover as he leaves my grade because there 526 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 1: will never be anyone like him. Still don't get into Harvard, though, 527 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:11,200 Speaker 1: but you know, got waitlisted at Princeton. But I was 528 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 1: going to go for music school, so that's not neither 529 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:15,840 Speaker 1: here nor there. But yeah, I guess like if he's 530 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:20,320 Speaker 1: writing his own If he's writing his own review, I 531 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: think he's going to be good. He's still got to 532 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,360 Speaker 1: write about his accomplishments. But is anyone going to check 533 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,640 Speaker 1: up on that? I reread the letter twice, trying my 534 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:31,800 Speaker 1: hardest to figure out any hidden meanings. The good news 535 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:35,640 Speaker 1: was that from the form letter, it seemed as though 536 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: they had no idea what I did. The bad news 537 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:42,360 Speaker 1: was neither did I. I had three days to find 538 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,360 Speaker 1: out some kind of good response and send it back 539 00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:50,480 Speaker 1: in a very unthreatening fashion. I actually needed to do work, 540 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:54,440 Speaker 1: and the clock was digging. This feels like a like 541 00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,840 Speaker 1: a like a like die Hard, but instead of just 542 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,320 Speaker 1: like taking place in an office with like guns going about, 543 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:02,080 Speaker 1: it's just like taking place in an office and it's 544 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:04,840 Speaker 1: op with mountain dews and read it open trying to 545 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:07,760 Speaker 1: figure out how to disable this ticking time bomb. That's 546 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:13,840 Speaker 1: just an HR email. What's what's a diehard? Let's come 547 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:17,640 Speaker 1: on down, come down to California, have a few lefts. 548 00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:22,440 Speaker 1: So twenty minutes later, I'm sitting in the bar at Applebee's, 549 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:26,960 Speaker 1: downing a cool bud light and pondering my situation. Solutions 550 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:32,560 Speaker 1: including prolonged vacation botched workplace injury and phone called HR 551 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:37,280 Speaker 1: to ask what I do were summarily were soon dismissed 552 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,760 Speaker 1: and I had hit a dead end. I finished off 553 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:44,160 Speaker 1: another beer and a thought suddenly hit me. Every two 554 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:47,560 Speaker 1: weeks without fail, I had received a paycheck at my house. 555 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,840 Speaker 1: Although I had rarely opened them, I knew there was 556 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:54,280 Speaker 1: a section on there that listed a departmental coat, a 557 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:58,120 Speaker 1: simple for digit number that would hold the answer to 558 00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,520 Speaker 1: what my company thought I did. I paid my bill 559 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,719 Speaker 1: and headed home, determining to wake up in the morning 560 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,120 Speaker 1: and figured out what I was going to do with myself. 561 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:10,760 Speaker 1: You're not gonna figure it out before you get to bed. Unfortunately, 562 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,560 Speaker 1: when I got home and opened up an old paycheck, 563 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:18,400 Speaker 1: I realized my department code was listed as zero zero 564 00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:23,840 Speaker 1: zero zero, which I feared was the default code. I 565 00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:27,200 Speaker 1: couldn't have been more wrong. I'm always left on these 566 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:32,040 Speaker 1: these cliffhangers. I showed up at nine o'clock on September eleventh, 567 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:36,800 Speaker 1: marking my first return to actual working hours in months. 568 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:40,200 Speaker 1: My first stop was to the accounting section of the building, 569 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:45,200 Speaker 1: where I cornered a temp employee and asked real managerial like, 570 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:49,480 Speaker 1: what department does code zero zero zero zero refer to. 571 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:53,440 Speaker 1: She typed a few numbers into her computer and replied 572 00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:59,000 Speaker 1: with something that blew me away, workplace safety. I staggered 573 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:01,680 Speaker 1: back a bit, but try to regain my composure quickly. 574 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,120 Speaker 1: How many employee entries are there in the workplace safety group? 575 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:09,640 Speaker 1: She typed two more entries and came back with Moonshine 576 00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:14,680 Speaker 1: here in Detroit and James Alexander in the fort Worth office. 577 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,200 Speaker 1: So Moonshine is op. It was obvious she had no 578 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:20,560 Speaker 1: idea who I was, which was a bonus. But my 579 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:24,040 Speaker 1: heart sank for a minute as I realized there actually 580 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:27,600 Speaker 1: was somebody else in this company who was actually doing 581 00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:30,640 Speaker 1: the non job that I was somewhat tasked to do. 582 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,600 Speaker 1: I retreated to my office and tried to plan my 583 00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:37,759 Speaker 1: next move. Workplace safety, I thought, trying to take in 584 00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:41,120 Speaker 1: the gist of what was said to me. Workplace safety, 585 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,400 Speaker 1: I thought, trying to take the gist of what was 586 00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:46,600 Speaker 1: said to me. Was it then my job to make 587 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:50,400 Speaker 1: sure nobody walked around on stilts or ran with scissors 588 00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:53,399 Speaker 1: while in company property. Not that it was a huge 589 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:56,640 Speaker 1: epidemic round here, but I was somewhat freaked that the 590 00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,719 Speaker 1: next time Lumpy make a bumper fuck and shipping, and 591 00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:03,880 Speaker 1: Versus decided to pour lie on his groin that I 592 00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:08,799 Speaker 1: would be responsible. The only answer was to find James Alexander. 593 00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:10,120 Speaker 1: Now it's going taken. 594 00:35:10,239 --> 00:35:13,799 Speaker 2: It's like, I'm going to find you and understand what 595 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:17,000 Speaker 2: you do at this company and use it to apply 596 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:21,440 Speaker 2: to my very specific set of skills, as in, I 597 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:24,000 Speaker 2: will use it to find out how to not work 598 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:26,080 Speaker 2: one more. 599 00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:30,279 Speaker 1: Lick than I have to. I would pretend that I 600 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:33,959 Speaker 1: was an actual working safety inspector and try and pry 601 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:36,480 Speaker 1: him about what kind of work he did. I was 602 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:38,560 Speaker 1: able to track down the number to the Fort Worth 603 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:42,200 Speaker 1: office and gave him a call. James Alexander was the reply. 604 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:46,520 Speaker 1: Mister Alexander, this is Moonshine, the Detroit safety Inspector. I 605 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,680 Speaker 1: was wondering if you could help me with a couple 606 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 1: of items that I've got going up here. There was 607 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:55,400 Speaker 1: a pregnant pause, then a quick hold on. As I 608 00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:59,719 Speaker 1: was put on hold, about twenty seconds pass by, then 609 00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:03,200 Speaker 1: came back on the line, his voice down at a whisper. 610 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:07,000 Speaker 1: Who do you work for? I thought quickly, Greg McDonald, 611 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:10,160 Speaker 1: I lied, I've never heard of a Greg McDonald, And 612 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:15,959 Speaker 1: he told you to call me, Alexander asked, sounding somewhat worried. No, sir, 613 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:19,200 Speaker 1: I did it of my own avolition. Yet another pause, 614 00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:23,760 Speaker 1: Then are you really a workplace safety employee? I recognized 615 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,919 Speaker 1: something in his voice and decided to take a shot. Wait, 616 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,640 Speaker 1: I think I know what's happening, but I see you 617 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,959 Speaker 1: in the comments. If you if you see what's happening 618 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:34,680 Speaker 1: right here. I knew I was putting everything on the line, 619 00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:37,880 Speaker 1: but it felt as though I was at a point 620 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,680 Speaker 1: regardless of whether or not I admitted my status to 621 00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:43,080 Speaker 1: the stranger on the phone. I took a deep breath 622 00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:47,240 Speaker 1: and answered a very confident no, are you with hr 623 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:52,640 Speaker 1: was the stern reply. No, then what do you do? Nothing? 624 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:55,480 Speaker 1: There was yet another pause, and a flash of heat 625 00:36:55,960 --> 00:37:00,000 Speaker 1: cascaded over my skin. There was a barely intelligible snore, 626 00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:07,080 Speaker 1: almost laughter. Then he replied me, neither their kendred spirits. Wait. 627 00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:10,480 Speaker 1: That means they could report to each other and no 628 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:13,680 Speaker 1: one ever has to know. This could happens going forever. 629 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,200 Speaker 1: It was like I had asked him if he had 630 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:20,240 Speaker 1: stairs in his house, only the answer was one hundred 631 00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:24,759 Speaker 1: times more exciting. It turns out James Alexander of Fort 632 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:28,520 Speaker 1: Worth Texas was an original workplace safety inspector and had 633 00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,359 Speaker 1: been with the company for seven years. About three years ago, 634 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:35,160 Speaker 1: the department was dissolved and the responsibility for oversight was 635 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:38,680 Speaker 1: placed in the hands of our company's quality control department 636 00:37:38,719 --> 00:37:41,600 Speaker 1: back down in Florida. He was furloughed for a period 637 00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:44,200 Speaker 1: of five months, then one day he received a letter 638 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,360 Speaker 1: asking him to return to work. When he returned to work, 639 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:51,000 Speaker 1: he was given temporary quarters in a recently abandoned office 640 00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 1: and was told he would be given new assignments shortly. 641 00:37:54,480 --> 00:38:00,480 Speaker 1: Shortly turned in two years. Two years man has been doing. Then. 642 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,560 Speaker 1: I was amazed that I was not the only one 643 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,640 Speaker 1: who was forgotten in this corporation. He told me that 644 00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:11,359 Speaker 1: all he did was browsy Internet and replaced the contents 645 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,560 Speaker 1: of the first day he can't when they ran low. 646 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:17,640 Speaker 1: He had never failed to receive a raise and was 647 00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:20,600 Speaker 1: never once accosted by any higher ups. He and I 648 00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:24,520 Speaker 1: postulated that the computer must have defaulted to a zero 649 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:28,400 Speaker 1: zero zero zero code when none was inputed for a 650 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:33,479 Speaker 1: for my company file. Luckily, here zero zero zero zero 651 00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:36,640 Speaker 1: wasn't just a code meaning nothing. It was actually still 652 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:40,719 Speaker 1: the defunct workplace safety group. He told me count my 653 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:46,280 Speaker 1: blessings and hung up the phone with a sincere good luck. Okay, 654 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,320 Speaker 1: but then it still like begs the question what do 655 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:51,520 Speaker 1: you do in this report? The next day, I showed 656 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:53,799 Speaker 1: up at work with a new purpose in life. What 657 00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:56,960 Speaker 1: I had come across was even better than having no job. 658 00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:01,280 Speaker 1: I now have a job with no responsibility. I walked 659 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,040 Speaker 1: throughout the office, looking at light sockets, chairs, and microwaves, 660 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:08,279 Speaker 1: exactly as I suppose that a safety inspector would do. 661 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:12,000 Speaker 1: Later that day, I would write my personal review, remembering 662 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,759 Speaker 1: to keep it vague and short so as not to 663 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:17,799 Speaker 1: rouse attention. James had informed me that most reviews would 664 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:21,120 Speaker 1: be automatically answered with a standard raise, without ever crossing 665 00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:25,360 Speaker 1: the desk of anybody except in HR secretary. How is 666 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:30,800 Speaker 1: this company still running? That they're just giving everyone a 667 00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:33,640 Speaker 1: raise no matter what, just so long as you don't 668 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:38,239 Speaker 1: admit to doing anything extraordinarily good or bad? So I 669 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:45,319 Speaker 1: wrote quotes employ Moonshine and number four twelve accomplishments maintained 670 00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:48,760 Speaker 1: a zero accident rate in the Detroit Corporate and shipping 671 00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:52,200 Speaker 1: offices for the entire two thousand and two calendar year. 672 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,120 Speaker 1: I guess this is from two thousand and two. Damn, 673 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,920 Speaker 1: we went way back for this story. Responded to every 674 00:39:56,920 --> 00:40:00,080 Speaker 1: safety issue in a timely fashion. This internal customer our 675 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:04,680 Speaker 1: service was accomplished within the allotted budget, heightened awareness for 676 00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:09,480 Speaker 1: safety related issues among employees. I hit send and waited 677 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:13,600 Speaker 1: for the possible downfall the next week. This past Wednesday, 678 00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:16,760 Speaker 1: I showed up at work with a bottle of aspirin 679 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,799 Speaker 1: from seven to eleven and a rubber carpet bumper that 680 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:22,560 Speaker 1: I picked up from a home depot back where the 681 00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:24,480 Speaker 1: employees go out to smoke. The carpet at the door 682 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:27,960 Speaker 1: was horribly mangled, and many an unhappy soul was sent 683 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:30,960 Speaker 1: crashing to the floor by a misplaced step on the hazard. 684 00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:34,000 Speaker 1: So first thing I did was put the bumper down 685 00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:37,800 Speaker 1: and glew it into plays using some bullshit Billy May's 686 00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:41,680 Speaker 1: fabric crap glue that the yahoo at the home depot 687 00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:45,360 Speaker 1: said worked. Wonders, it wasn't pretty, but now there was 688 00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:50,440 Speaker 1: no danger of dripping. I'm responding to workplace safety issues 689 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:54,120 Speaker 1: keeping under budget. As the nine dollars came out of 690 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:58,120 Speaker 1: my pocket, I placed a sign on the wall next 691 00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:01,239 Speaker 1: to the bumper scene below, I'm excited to read this 692 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:03,960 Speaker 1: side This also reminds me of like this story I 693 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:06,759 Speaker 1: heard a while ago where there was this company that 694 00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:10,560 Speaker 1: invoice Google for one hundred thousand dollars a month, like 695 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:14,120 Speaker 1: every month because they had their like invoice information and 696 00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:17,239 Speaker 1: Google just paid it for years. But then eventually they 697 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,400 Speaker 1: got caught and had to go to jail for fraud. 698 00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:22,200 Speaker 1: But I wonder if you would go to jail for 699 00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:26,799 Speaker 1: fraud for this quote. Moonshine, Employee four twelve, we are 700 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,759 Speaker 1: pleased to announce that your antal performance review has been 701 00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:33,040 Speaker 1: deemed satisfactory. As a result, your pay rate has been 702 00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:37,240 Speaker 1: increased by five percent, retroactive to September one, two thousand 703 00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:41,880 Speaker 1: and two. Sincerely, Hr Nazi. Now a week has passed 704 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:44,239 Speaker 1: and nothing else has happened. I was asked to check 705 00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:47,360 Speaker 1: a battery and a smoke detector by a secretary yesterday 706 00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:50,920 Speaker 1: who had unfortunately seen me place the bumper in the 707 00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:53,920 Speaker 1: back hallway. So yes, I now have to do some work. 708 00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:58,080 Speaker 1: But until the camel spiders invade accounting and I've got 709 00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:02,080 Speaker 1: fatalities on my hands, continue to sit here playing snake 710 00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:05,600 Speaker 1: on my Nokia and browsing the Something Awful for hims. 711 00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:10,680 Speaker 1: I am Moonshine, the protector of Detroit Corporate Chipping and Receiving, 712 00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:14,480 Speaker 1: here to make sure nobody falls down on my watch. 713 00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:20,239 Speaker 1: Who man is going? I mean like he's actually is 714 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:22,359 Speaker 1: getting a little bit of responsibilities, and I guess some 715 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:25,799 Speaker 1: people know him as the office safety manager, but that 716 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,160 Speaker 1: was some forty chest. And also knowing that there's like 717 00:42:28,239 --> 00:42:31,080 Speaker 1: another mole in the company that's doing nothing, that's kind 718 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:33,760 Speaker 1: of sick. I feel like you guys should work together 719 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:36,759 Speaker 1: to like figure this thing out and maybe see if 720 00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:40,200 Speaker 1: you can get even bigger raises. But there is a 721 00:42:40,239 --> 00:42:43,359 Speaker 1: part four and the first line is there on to us, 722 00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:48,759 Speaker 1: So I'm very worried for our protagonist that he might 723 00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:50,719 Speaker 1: have to do some work. But let's get into it.