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Speaker 1: You don't hear me confession, I can't take back arms speak.

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Speaker 2: I got a text to seven eight five nine two

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Speaker 2: that says played FIFA with my eight year old son.

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Speaker 3: He beat me ten to one.

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Speaker 2: I was so angry that for the last few weeks

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Speaker 2: I've been secretly practicing after he goes to bed, I've

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Speaker 2: just had a rematch lost fourteen to night. Look, we

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Speaker 2: understand we're all gonna have low moments in our lives,

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Speaker 2: and we don't want you to feel bad about them

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Speaker 2: all by yourself. Come on here and tell us so

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Speaker 2: we can all feel bad about you together. Yes, and

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Speaker 2: that's why Mac is on the phone right now. At

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Speaker 2: least that's the fake name that he's chosen for himself. Matt,

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Speaker 2: you are on the radio, So welcome to your new

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Speaker 2: lifetime low my friend.

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Speaker 1: Well, thank you for having me.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, oh wow, you do sound love with the voice changers.

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Speaker 3: Sounds like didn't mean to actually bring you down.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's like basement man, I sutructure. Yeah, Matt, we're

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Speaker 2: all here for you to hear your confession. The voice

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Speaker 2: changer is on. You are now the mass speaker. Whenever

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Speaker 2: you're ready, you can hit us with it.

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Speaker 1: Well, here goes nothing. I'm retired from my former profession.

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Speaker 3: Oh okay, yeah, it's also.

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Speaker 1: About ten years ago. When I was a lot younger,

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Speaker 1: I used to be a professional smuggler.

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Speaker 4: Smuggler whoa, yeah, like people mean my dad watch on

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Speaker 4: that geo.

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Speaker 5: Oh my god, wow, really like across the border type

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Speaker 5: of smuggler, like a mule.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, kind of like a mule, except you know, I

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Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily incertanteen anything into my body.

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Speaker 4: You're okay, what were you smuggling?

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Speaker 1: Tons of stuff like tea, creatures.

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Speaker 6: Like exotic animals that you're not allowed to buy in

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Speaker 6: this country. About these people all the time, they get

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Speaker 6: like caught with like eighteen special cockroaches on their bodies.

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Speaker 3: We don't have out in your friend's circles. We don't

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Speaker 3: know about.

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Speaker 5: I'm always like, how do you fit that many guinea

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Speaker 5: pigs in a suitcase?

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Speaker 1: You've come to the right place if you need to.

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Speaker 4: God, this is crazy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Like for example, like baby sea horses and I

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Speaker 1: put them, I'd put them in water bottles.

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Speaker 4: They're tiny, to make sure to drink the wrong one.

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Speaker 2: Yeah this is a salty say oh no.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, so then like other things like exotic meat.

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Speaker 4: That's terrible though.

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Speaker 5: Like I mean, poachers usually are behind all this stuff,

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Speaker 5: or you're bringing in like diseases.

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Speaker 2: But it could be like fine dining steaks from Japan totally.

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Speaker 1: I mean I had a nickname. They called me the

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Speaker 1: beef King in Vietnam.

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Speaker 3: They called me the same thing in college. Different it

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Speaker 3: was also.

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Speaker 1: Smuggling things, but yeah, like you said, like people didn't

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Speaker 1: want lower quality meat, and there were a lot of

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Speaker 1: local meat spots struggling, and there I came in like

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Speaker 1: a hero, the high quality surloins and all the wago

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Speaker 1: and everything, and they just they loved me.

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Speaker 4: Where did you put the meat? Like are you traveling

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Speaker 4: with like a refrigerated.

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Speaker 1: That's like a cool I mean, I would just get

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Speaker 1: really creative, like how.

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Speaker 5: Give us an example, I mean, outside of the water

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Speaker 5: bottle of the seahorses, what are we talking?

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Speaker 1: I would use all kinds of things, like children's toys

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Speaker 1: like mister Potato had and.

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Speaker 5: Hope you got dry ice on that stuff or something.

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Speaker 2: What's the weirdest item that you've ever had to smuggle before?

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Speaker 1: I don't aside from like a pighead at one point,

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Speaker 1: oh man, because that was pretty common to me, so

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't say that's too weird. But there was one

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Speaker 1: time when they gave me huge jars of it. I'm

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Speaker 1: pretty sure they weren't animal eyeballs.

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Speaker 4: What were they then?

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure they were human eyeballs. But I don't

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Speaker 1: ask questions the border.

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Speaker 4: No, No, this is all that. This is not you.

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Speaker 4: You sound so proud. There's a reason this stuff is illegal.

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Speaker 2: Maybe it was for like scientific research for some sort

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Speaker 2: of you know, ocular disease.

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Speaker 4: Maybe they don't do that on the d L. Jeffrey.

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Speaker 5: They don't.

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Speaker 6: It's not like somebody with an eyeball suitcase like pops

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Speaker 6: up to a university, opens it up and says, which

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Speaker 6: ones do you want?

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Speaker 3: How do you know what the research is.

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Speaker 4: It's not a like trunk back alley type of exchange.

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Speaker 2: I think it's one of those underfunded high schools in

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Speaker 2: a bad part of town.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 6: I mean in fourth grade, we did get some deer

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Speaker 6: eyeballs from my friend's dad.

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Speaker 4: This is terrible, Like, did you ever get caught?

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Speaker 1: I got stopped, but I never got detained.

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Speaker 4: Okay, so they checked you like, oh my god, was

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Speaker 4: your heart just race?

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah? Oh yeah?

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Speaker 3: Three human hearts in his Barbie dream house. We're racing two.

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Speaker 4: Don't you feel bad?

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Speaker 5: You've got to be part of some like seriously retired?

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Speaker 4: Now you need it?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I met a girl. I retired. I got a

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Speaker 1: nice stash of cash.

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Speaker 2: Do you mean he smuggled the girl across the border

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Speaker 2: like you met a woman to Mary the only body.

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Speaker 3: Partsy smuggle hole.

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Speaker 1: No. I actually met her at the grocery store of

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Speaker 1: all places. Can you believe it?

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Speaker 4: Wow, you're boring, You're a smuggler.

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Speaker 3: You think that's a good sale on stakes? I can

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Speaker 3: get your way better. Meet.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but once I met my wife, that's when I

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Speaker 1: knew it was time to quit.

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Speaker 3: Wow. Does she know what you did?

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Speaker 1: Or I just told her I was in the delivery business.

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Speaker 5: I didn't really don't mind the trunks of cash when

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Speaker 5: the guy shows up at two am, though, honeytel, I'm

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Speaker 5: not here.

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Speaker 3: Well, it's good you got out when you did.

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Speaker 1: Funny enough, to this day, when I check my old email,

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Speaker 1: I still have offers in there from people all over

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Speaker 1: the world.

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Speaker 5: Totally.

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Speaker 1: I'm international. Baby.

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Speaker 2: Well, you have to shoot your email over to us

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Speaker 2: just in case we ever need something.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, no, thank you, I do not want to be

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Speaker 4: connected to any of that.

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Speaker 2: Jeffrey, all right, exotic meats for everybody.

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Speaker 3: I want to eat camel breass.

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Speaker 2: We'll stay in touch math text into seven eight, five

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Speaker 2: nine two. If you have a confession you've been holding

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Speaker 2: on to, we'll hide your identity, mask your voice, and

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Speaker 2: make you the next mass speaker.

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Speaker 3: Phone taps coming up next