WEBVTT - Two Jersey Js: Best Friends Forever? 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:02.440 Hey everyone. 0:00:03.080 --> 0:00:07.160 Hi you guys. It's Jackie Goldschneider and Jenfestler. 0:00:06.800 --> 0:00:10.360 And we are two Jersey Jays. And I love today's topic, 0:00:10.520 --> 0:00:10.880 so do I. 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:12.600 And it's really relevant. 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:16.919 Timely because we're going to talk about female friendships in 0:00:17.000 --> 0:00:20.479 middle age. And it's something that's so important to me 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:23.239 because I rely on my female friend. 0:00:23.239 --> 0:00:24.720 I feel like you get. 0:00:24.560 --> 0:00:27.520 Something out of your friendships at this age that you 0:00:27.560 --> 0:00:31.000 can't find from your relationship with your husband, or your 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:32.440 children or your parents. 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:34.800 Yes, I think that's true. I think you know we're 0:00:34.840 --> 0:00:38.480 we are different ages. I hate to admit not that far, 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:41.760 not well, but I mean I think friendships for me, 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:45.440 that the importance of friendship has changed, you know, since 0:00:45.440 --> 0:00:47.760 I was my daughter's age, even high school, right, It 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:51.000 like it takes on a different I think friendships female 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:52.400 wants to take on a little bit of a different 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:55.240 meaning as you go through the different stages in life. 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:57.840 Yeah. Absolutely, And I think that you and I are 0:00:57.880 --> 0:01:03.480 in a very different situation then maybe like other people, 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:08.880 because we not only have our real life friendships, but 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:12.760 we have this show world of friendships. And we will 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:15.319 not go into any specifics, of course you don't need to, 0:01:16.000 --> 0:01:20.440 but the dynamics of friendship in our work life is 0:01:20.520 --> 0:01:21.480 so different. 0:01:21.680 --> 0:01:26.000 It is very different. It's very complicated, it's. 0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:29.600 It's sad, it's it's sad. It can be great, but 0:01:29.680 --> 0:01:32.840 it's also it's so public. 0:01:33.600 --> 0:01:36.600 Correct, that's the Yeah, that's the big difference. Yeah, I 0:01:36.640 --> 0:01:39.400 think that you know, we're going to get more into it. 0:01:39.440 --> 0:01:43.520 But my friend Marcia always says, friendships are shared experiences, 0:01:43.560 --> 0:01:45.920 Like you get close to people that you there's they're 0:01:45.959 --> 0:01:47.480 more than that, right, But a lot of times when 0:01:47.520 --> 0:01:49.720 you make new friends, it's because you guys are sharing something. 0:01:49.840 --> 0:01:54.640 So in our case, we share this crazy journey that 0:01:54.640 --> 0:01:58.080 we're on with housewives and you know, the other women 0:01:58.120 --> 0:02:00.320 on the cast that we've become friends with with or 0:02:00.320 --> 0:02:02.880 maybe you're not friends with anymore. But it's so much 0:02:02.880 --> 0:02:05.720 about shared experience. But when it then it crosses the 0:02:05.720 --> 0:02:10.079 line right into like mutual respect, love, sharing more than 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:14.520 just this crazy experience, but also your lives. But the 0:02:14.560 --> 0:02:17.520 show kind of, you know, it pushes it pushed us 0:02:17.520 --> 0:02:20.440 all together. At least this has been my experience, and 0:02:20.520 --> 0:02:23.960 so you're forced to kind of, you know, get to 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:26.080 a deep level with these women that maybe you didn't 0:02:26.080 --> 0:02:28.519 know before. So it's like these friendships that happen very quickly, 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:31.480 and sometimes they also end very quickly. 0:02:31.880 --> 0:02:36.600 Yeah, and you know, it's difficult when you're on a 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:41.640 TV show together the fights often you kind of have 0:02:41.840 --> 0:02:46.360 to go into detail about what's driving you apart, and 0:02:46.400 --> 0:02:52.200 then a fight just turns so like big and toxic 0:02:52.320 --> 0:02:54.320 before you even know it. And then you have all 0:02:54.360 --> 0:02:56.920 of social media weighing in, which doesn't happen in real life. 0:02:56.960 --> 0:02:59.960 You have people choosing sides and people saying that you're 0:03:00.120 --> 0:03:03.240 the worst or you're the best, and it's it's makes 0:03:03.240 --> 0:03:07.640 it really difficult to maintain a strong friendship now, not 0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:10.960 our show, but I have seen friendships on The Housewives 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:13.959 that I thought were so strong, I mean. 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:18.279 Fall apart so badly of course, that I don't. 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:20.600 You know, I used to think that my housewife friendships 0:03:20.760 --> 0:03:26.960 were so important. But I'm I feel much closer to 0:03:27.040 --> 0:03:30.600 my real life friends, of course, just because I've seen 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:34.079 too many friendships fall apart so easily over very little things. 0:03:34.520 --> 0:03:37.000 I mean, I feel and I think you do too, 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:40.440 but I feel very bonded to women on this cast. 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:43.840 Not in the best way always, but because my oh 0:03:44.080 --> 0:03:47.400 friendships outside of the show not only can they not 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:50.520 really understand being in it, but they don't want to 0:03:50.600 --> 0:03:53.880 and I don't want to burden them with talking about 0:03:54.080 --> 0:03:56.080 the show all the time. And you know, it's like. 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:58.240 Well, we're also trauma bonded. 0:03:58.440 --> 0:04:00.400 Yes, you know, right right right, we are. 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:04.640 I mean there's something very specific and small about our world, 0:04:05.040 --> 0:04:11.720 and so it's no surprise that we have we share 0:04:11.760 --> 0:04:13.480 that bond, but and that we like to talk to 0:04:13.560 --> 0:04:16.040 each other about it. What's the problem, though, is when 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:19.080 the relationship doesn't go beyond that. Like I've had some 0:04:19.200 --> 0:04:23.880 relationships on this show. I've had some that have transcended 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:26.120 and have become very real to me, and I do 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:28.279 love those relationships. But I'm talking about the ones that 0:04:28.320 --> 0:04:30.560 were just based on the show. And I think in 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:34.279 housewife World I've seen over the years, I mean, even 0:04:34.320 --> 0:04:36.080 before I was on it, I used to watch it. 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:38.400 A lot of people that leave the show they don't 0:04:38.480 --> 0:04:41.240 end up staying close with the people from the show. 0:04:41.400 --> 0:04:44.960 Yeah, so listen, I don't know if you guys know 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:46.680 this actually should probably mention it, but when Jackie and 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:51.039 I started the show, we we're really committed to not 0:04:51.480 --> 0:04:54.800 discussing the ins and outs of the Housewives, and I 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:59.239 think partially because there are so many podcasts that already 0:04:59.279 --> 0:05:02.600 do that, but also because we, you know, want to 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:05.919 talk about the parts of our lives that are relevant 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:08.159 and have nothing to do with it, like the fact 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:10.560 that we're both at this point where we are quote 0:05:10.640 --> 0:05:15.760 unquote middle aged, and so this is something that becomes, 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:19.159 i don't know, more important less important as you get older. Friendships, 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:22.360 I think we probably have a lot in common. We're 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:24.520 going to talk about our feelings about our female friends. 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:33.520 And also there are some differences. 0:05:34.960 --> 0:05:37.320 So back when I was a journalist, which I still 0:05:37.320 --> 0:05:40.040 consider myself a journalist, but I used to write a 0:05:40.080 --> 0:05:46.479 column on motherhood for the newspaper every Saturday, and it 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:49.520 was basically about being a young mom, a new mom, 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:53.200 And something I had noticed is that a lot of 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:57.800 new moms were having trouble making friends in their new 0:05:58.160 --> 0:06:01.159 suburban environment or even in like city, like it's hard 0:06:01.640 --> 0:06:06.320 to make friends. And you know, I looked back at 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:08.600 that when I was thinking about what we would talk 0:06:08.640 --> 0:06:12.159 about today, and I feel like it's a lot easier 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:15.440 to make friends when you're a new mom. 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:18.440 Because you have those. 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:21.760 You have those classes, you have those Mommy and me 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:24.440 and the baby classes, and everyone is in the same boat, 0:06:24.760 --> 0:06:28.760 and you just naturally become friends with the parents of 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:30.960 your children's friends. You know. 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:33.919 It's also trauma bonding, like you mentioned, right, it's like 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:37.080 the fear that goes along with being a new parent, right, But. 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:40.240 There's also that built in community. Yeah, that when you're 0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:43.760 middle aged and your kids are grown and you find 0:06:43.760 --> 0:06:48.160 yourself with a lot more time alone, it's it's almost like, well, 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:51.279 where would I even begin to meet somebody? 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:54.400 I find that the friends that I have my closest 0:06:54.400 --> 0:06:58.240 friends in terms of like living here in Jersey, and 0:06:58.880 --> 0:07:02.080 are the friends that I made when my son was little, 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:04.440 as opposed to my daughter who's only two years older, 0:07:04.440 --> 0:07:07.159 and I made friends with you know, her friend's parents, 0:07:07.200 --> 0:07:10.680 but different. I made this like very I was very 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:14.240 lucky to meet this group of women when you know, 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:16.000 my son was I don't know, we're at mommy and me, 0:07:16.080 --> 0:07:18.880 so whatever, two three years old, and it stuck. So 0:07:19.480 --> 0:07:22.800 I think sometimes with friendships you make through the kids 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:25.440 doesn't always stick because when the kids get older, maybe 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:28.120 you don't have as much in common. I don't know 0:07:28.160 --> 0:07:32.040 if you've found that, you know I have, I certainly 0:07:32.080 --> 0:07:34.960 have those old friendships too that just didn't make it 0:07:35.000 --> 0:07:39.160 through for whatever reason. But uh yeah, that's that is 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:41.600 probably the easiest way I've ever made friends besides maybe 0:07:41.640 --> 0:07:42.160 high school. 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:44.440 Right, So, but it makes you wonder. So you and 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:46.960 I are both very lucky. Like I know that you 0:07:47.040 --> 0:07:50.400 have a lot of friends. I don't have quite as many, 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:53.200 but I have about like six in my town that 0:07:53.240 --> 0:07:55.160 I consider super super close. 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:57.120 Friends, which needs more than that, right So I don't 0:07:57.160 --> 0:07:59.080 need more than that right now, I have more than. 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:03.400 My sorority sisters are still some of my best friends. 0:08:03.400 --> 0:08:04.840 And like, I have a lot of kids, and I 0:08:04.880 --> 0:08:07.040 have a great husband, so and I have my show friends. 0:08:07.080 --> 0:08:09.480 So I'm like, I'm good, you know, But I know 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:10.480 a lot of people. 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:13.720 Who struggle, especially if you move, like a lot of 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:17.040 people downsize they move to a new area, you know. 0:08:17.120 --> 0:08:21.440 So I want to talk about not only how you 0:08:21.480 --> 0:08:26.360 can make new friends as a middle aged woman, but 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:30.720 also why it's important, why it's important to have friends 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:32.720 in your life at this age, what they can offer 0:08:32.800 --> 0:08:36.560 that's different, yeah than your other relationships. 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:40.120 Yeah, and I do think, as I mentioned a minute ago, 0:08:40.200 --> 0:08:43.560 that the priorities are different in terms of friendships. I 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:46.360 think that it shifts from like, yeah, you just had 0:08:46.440 --> 0:08:49.360 babies and you need somebody to call to say, oh 0:08:49.400 --> 0:08:53.360 my god, you know he's not eating or she's I couldn't, 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:56.160 she's swallowed up whatever it is, right, it's like a 0:08:56.200 --> 0:08:58.640 lot of that. You're so it's such a you're in 0:08:58.679 --> 0:09:01.880 this whole new world, and so you bond so easily 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:05.320 over that experience, and then that passes, and then all 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:07.000 of a sudden you have teenagers and you could also 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:10.360 bond of course, you know, over that. And then not 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.599 for you, but for me, the kids leave. So it 0:09:13.720 --> 0:09:15.520 is did you lose a lot of friends when your 0:09:15.559 --> 0:09:19.680 kids left? No? I think at that point I was 0:09:19.720 --> 0:09:22.120 friends with people that where it wasn't just based on 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:23.840 the kids. I mean in high school. The kids now 0:09:23.840 --> 0:09:26.559 are driving and you know, they're barely talking to you anyway, 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:28.880 so you have there's not as much to bond over, 0:09:28.920 --> 0:09:32.160 and it becomes about also, I think, reinventing yourself a 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:34.880 little bit like Okay, so who am I now that 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:38.160 I'm not this you know mother? And I'm obviously you're 0:09:38.160 --> 0:09:41.200 always a mother, But when the kids stop needing you 0:09:41.280 --> 0:09:43.240 so much, right, what does that look like? So? Now 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:45.800 what does my life look like and it doesn't necessarily 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:50.080 include these women or these men who you relied so 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:53.720 completely on when the kids were younger to you know, 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:55.160 just validate you. 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:57.200 And right, did you find that some of those women 0:09:57.280 --> 0:10:00.280 you didn't have anything in common with once you're kids 0:10:00.320 --> 0:10:01.240 were out of the picture. 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:05.600 Yes? I did still women that I you know, like 0:10:05.720 --> 0:10:09.640 and care about, but we just didn't share as much 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:11.800 and have as much to talk about. 0:10:12.040 --> 0:10:18.000 Right, So yeah, I mean middle age is you know, 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:19.840 it just creeps up on you and one day you 0:10:19.880 --> 0:10:22.240 find yourself looking in the mirror and you're like, wow, 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:25.840 those lines just don't stop coming as much as you 0:10:25.880 --> 0:10:27.480 try to fight them, and you see. 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:29.640 The grays and you feel your age. 0:10:29.800 --> 0:10:33.120 I remember one time I was with a friend in 0:10:33.160 --> 0:10:36.840 a car and we saw this woman and she was 0:10:36.840 --> 0:10:38.599 a counselor at a camp where it was when my 0:10:38.679 --> 0:10:44.480 kids were younger, and I said, I can't tell if 0:10:44.520 --> 0:10:46.480 she's old or young. She was one of those people 0:10:46.480 --> 0:10:48.360 that could have been like thirty or could have been 0:10:48.400 --> 0:10:52.880 like sixty. And my friend said, she's old. Look at 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:56.880 her knees. And I never forgot that because sometimes I'll 0:10:56.920 --> 0:10:59.280 look at my knees and I'll be like I'm not 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:02.920 fooling anyone because no matter how much botox I get, 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:05.280 other parts of me will give it away. 0:11:05.600 --> 0:11:08.040 Oh, I mean, if we're going to go there, my 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:10.880 knees are not the knees of a fifty six soon 0:11:10.920 --> 0:11:12.280 to be fifty six year old, but there the knees 0:11:12.320 --> 0:11:16.400 of been ninety five Jackie. I am not this is yes, 0:11:16.440 --> 0:11:18.520 this is not me just being so. I don't know 0:11:18.559 --> 0:11:21.880 what kind of weight gain, weight loss pull at no 0:11:22.080 --> 0:11:25.880 exercise path I've been on, but these knees of mine. 0:11:26.200 --> 0:11:29.000 And I had a surgery that was like for my leg, 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:29.360 didn't you? 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:30.240 Yeah, how'd that go? 0:11:32.240 --> 0:11:35.040 I know we're getting a little off. Somber Jen had 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:37.200 a surgery. She never liked to show her her leg. 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:39.440 I still don't because the surgery that I had was 0:11:39.480 --> 0:11:41.800 sort of like a body lift and it only lifts 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:45.160 like mid thigh up, so I would say, and the 0:11:45.200 --> 0:11:46.920 doctor told me that. So it really was like, now 0:11:46.920 --> 0:11:48.600 I still don't want to wear shorts. What's the difference. 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:51.080 My knees are hanging to my ankles? You know, it 0:11:51.160 --> 0:11:53.160 is what it is, but that you can also bomb. 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:56.480 I feel like you bond sometimes with women. So what I'm. 0:11:56.360 --> 0:11:59.520 Saying is like. The point is that, like you suddenly 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:02.240 wake up and you're like, I am not young anymore, 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:06.439 and like the things that used to bond you to 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:11.760 other young moms are gone, and slowly every day they disappeared. 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:15.080 There's another kid leaving for college, someone else, doesn't you 0:12:15.120 --> 0:12:18.320 feel you know, we've talked about this before about the 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:22.400 invisibility of middle aged women and how you know you're 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:27.040 not considered traditionally like sexy anymore, and that part of 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:29.679 you is gone. Your children are grown, so the motherhood 0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:31.840 part of you. You know, you're always a mom, but 0:12:32.080 --> 0:12:35.520 that's gone. That being needed is gone. You know, you've 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:38.600 really settled into your marriage and like a lot of 0:12:38.600 --> 0:12:42.520 what made you feel useful as a younger woman is gone. 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:46.480 And it's not gone, it just changes very drastically. And 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:52.080 I think again with shared experience. That's why female friendship 0:12:52.080 --> 0:12:55.760 at this age for me, is so important, because you 0:12:55.840 --> 0:12:58.240 don't just have to hold those feelings inside. You can 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:00.760 be with other people who are going through them at 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:01.360 the same time. 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:04.800 I one hundred percent agree. I will tell you that 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:08.400 at yes, at your age, I felt exactly the same way, 0:13:08.440 --> 0:13:12.160 and at almost fifty six. There are times though where 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:15.800 I really don't want new friends. I don't want more friends. 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:19.720 I don't I find that people in general get on 0:13:19.760 --> 0:13:22.960 my nerves. So I mean it's like to make a 0:13:23.040 --> 0:13:25.600 new friends and bring you know, I'm a little more 0:13:25.640 --> 0:13:28.360 closed off, and I if I talk to my mom, 0:13:28.440 --> 0:13:31.760 who is eighty two, she'll say, like, I hate people. 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:34.800 I love dogs, and that's it. But I have these 0:13:34.840 --> 0:13:37.840 relationships and I can't imagine my life without them. Do 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:41.520 I want more? I don't know. I don't know. I'm 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:43.760 pretty good like and I don't have that. 0:13:43.840 --> 0:13:44.679 I used to have so. 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:46.720 Many friends, and you almost like what I felt like 0:13:46.720 --> 0:13:49.560 when I was younger. I gathered friends, you know, like 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:51.480 in high school, you just you want to be popular. 0:13:51.520 --> 0:13:53.680 And I don't know. It's embarrassing to admit that that 0:13:53.720 --> 0:13:55.680 would still have been going on for me as I 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:58.880 got older. But so many people, right, so many friends, 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:01.800 so many parties. I just don't want that. I just 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:05.960 want meaningful friendships now, and I want them to be 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:08.640 real and I want to be able to share real 0:14:08.720 --> 0:14:12.560 experiences and you know, the difficulties of my life and 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:15.520 not paint this picture of how my life is perfect. 0:14:15.559 --> 0:14:17.280 And let's talk about how your life is perfect. 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:19.240 And you know, it's funny that you say that about 0:14:19.360 --> 0:14:22.720 high school because one of the tips that the therapist 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:25.360 back then, who I interviewed for this for the article, 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:27.360 one of the tips that she gave me is not 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:32.080 to carry old wounds with you into new relationships. And 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:36.200 it struck me because I had a very very hard 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:38.440 time in high school. And I write about this a 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:42.880 lot in my book, but I moved when during my 0:14:43.080 --> 0:14:46.640 freshman year of high school, and I have a brother. 0:14:46.880 --> 0:14:49.240 He's disabled. He was held back a year. He's a 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:51.440 year older than me, so we came in the same age. 0:14:51.480 --> 0:14:56.760 Everyone assumed we were twins and I was overweight. It 0:14:56.840 --> 0:14:59.400 was a brand new school. Everyone already had their friends, 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:02.720 and I was. I mean, I just had the hardest, 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:06.560 hardest time. And not only was I completely ignored, but 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:09.800 people were very vicious to my brother, and I just 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:12.800 was not only like an outcast, but I was also 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:15.440 like busting up everyone's good time every time they wanted 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:17.520 to make my brother do something stupid. It was just 0:15:17.840 --> 0:15:19.920 a shit show beginning to end, and I couldn't wait 0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:24.120 to get out of there. But I carried those wounds 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:28.200 with me for a long time, and I have absolutely 0:15:28.280 --> 0:15:34.160 no problem admitting that I had, that I've struggled with 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:38.000 mental issues and that a lot of therapy has gotten 0:15:38.120 --> 0:15:42.400 me through tons of them. But I have no shame 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:44.680 in admitting any of this. So if any of you 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:46.840 want to come after me, feel free. It doesn't bother me. 0:15:46.880 --> 0:15:48.560 I don't think anyone's coming out to you. 0:15:49.320 --> 0:15:51.720 But the issue was that I carried that with me 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:54.280 and when I got to when I moved from the 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:59.320 city into the suburbs, my default was to assume that 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:02.600 everybody already had people they liked and no one needed 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:05.080 me to be their friend, and that if they were 0:16:05.080 --> 0:16:07.600 being nice to me, it was because they just were 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:10.840 being nice, and that nobody was really interested. And it 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:13.240 held me back, you know, And until I could let 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:16.320 go of all of that, I really wasn't able to 0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:20.440 fully immerse myself in friendships that felt even an equal. 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:25.560 It's only been the last really like the last few years, 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:30.720 that I've come out of that and really been like, no, 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:35.160 I'm so valuable to these relationships and like they love 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:37.240 me as much as I love them. It always felt 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:41.200 one sided to me. So I think it's really important. 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:43.640 I think that that holds not whether you're a new 0:16:43.680 --> 0:16:46.800 mom or whether you're a middle aged woman. You cannot 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:50.280 carry your past into your present because it will hold 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:50.720 you back. 0:16:50.840 --> 0:16:56.200 Well, you know, I also had a difficult childhood, and 0:16:56.880 --> 0:17:00.360 I think that I made friends I owas was the 0:17:00.400 --> 0:17:04.840 good time girl, right. I was also overweight until I 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:06.800 was I don't know, in my late twenties. I was 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:10.359 very heavy and ill up and down whatever. And I 0:17:10.440 --> 0:17:13.399 never had a boyfriend, which is, you know, which I 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:16.919 wanted so desperately. But I always had friends around me, 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:19.359 and I was always like the funny one and the 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:23.360 crazy one. And I think that was probably partially because 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:27.879 I just needed validation so badly outside of what was 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:31.639 happening at home. And I also went to a performing 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:35.240 arts high school, so a lot of that traditional you know, 0:17:35.440 --> 0:17:39.240 the peer pressures and the jocks versus the nerds. Like 0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:41.520 we were all nerds. We were all like theater nerds, 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:45.240 music nerds, dancing nerds. So it was way easier. So 0:17:45.240 --> 0:17:48.720 I actually have my three very best friends from high school. 0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:50.199 We meet once a year because I went it was 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:52.400 in Texas, so I'm actually going to see the next month. 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:52.879 We do it. 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:57.040 Yeah, it's great. But so I think that like I've 0:17:57.040 --> 0:18:00.960 always been somebody that had an easy time meeting people 0:18:01.000 --> 0:18:05.720 and making friendships, but they weren't. They haven't always been 0:18:05.760 --> 0:18:09.240 as satisfying. Sometimes I make I get, you know, there's 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:12.160 a difference between like gathering people and calling them friends 0:18:12.200 --> 0:18:15.199 and actually have having real connections, which is what I 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:17.480 want now, that's all I want. I don't need to have, 0:18:18.320 --> 0:18:21.399 you know, go to a million different birthday parties and 0:18:21.520 --> 0:18:23.840 you know that sort of childish attitude of wanting to 0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:28.000 have so many I just need, especially now, not as many. 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:31.840 And the ones that really make me laugh, the ones 0:18:31.920 --> 0:18:34.760 that I feel like I can be real with that 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:38.919 don't judge me, And the ones that are truly about love. 0:18:39.040 --> 0:18:40.760 I love you, you love me. We want the best 0:18:40.760 --> 0:18:41.320 for each other. 0:18:41.720 --> 0:18:45.280 Right. So, something that I've noticed is that the my 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:50.440 stronger friendships are the ones that don't rely on being 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:56.000 couple friends. Because when you rely on being couple friends, 0:18:56.560 --> 0:18:58.560 I have to wait for Evan to want to make plans. 0:18:58.560 --> 0:19:00.560 So Evan is not nearly as social as I am, 0:19:00.680 --> 0:19:03.120 right right, I love being with my friends. Yeah, I 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:07.320 love going to dinners and going out. And he's very 0:19:07.440 --> 0:19:10.960 very content, I mean understandably, he's got three teenage boys 0:19:10.960 --> 0:19:13.680 who love to be around him, and that's his built 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:16.000 in friend group. So he's got a few of his 0:19:16.040 --> 0:19:18.760 own friends. But I find that when we need to 0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:21.480 go to like dinner together in order for me to 0:19:21.520 --> 0:19:27.680 be with a woman, he it's more difficult because I mean, 0:19:27.720 --> 0:19:31.960 I'm relying on him and my conversations have to include him, you. 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:35.240 Know, and I adore events obviously obviously, but. 0:19:37.200 --> 0:19:38.679 You know, then I have to wait for him to 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:40.480 find a date when he can make a plan. 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:47.000 Well, I mean, Jeff's friends are primarily completely because they're 0:19:47.000 --> 0:19:49.959 the men that I are involved with, the women that 0:19:50.000 --> 0:19:52.480 I'm friends with, right, So he's I. 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:54.800 Mean, so his friends are your friend's husbands. 0:19:55.040 --> 0:19:57.280 Yes, Well, let me just say this. So he has 0:19:57.320 --> 0:20:00.200 a whole life in terms of like his work and 0:20:01.000 --> 0:20:03.520 those circles that he's in, and I choose to know 0:20:03.720 --> 0:20:06.960 nothing about it because I find his whole whatever he's 0:20:07.000 --> 0:20:09.600 doing for a living is just bores me to no end. So, like, 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:11.560 but I know that he has like this network of people, 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:13.479 and he works in this you know, big office, and 0:20:13.920 --> 0:20:16.440 he has so he does have colleagues, and he does 0:20:16.480 --> 0:20:19.640 have friends from work. He certainly does, but not people 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:21.800 that we see on a regular right, or that he's 0:20:21.880 --> 0:20:25.080 like not going out to bars with right. So, so 0:20:25.200 --> 0:20:28.240 the friends that we socialize with, he's made friends with 0:20:28.280 --> 0:20:33.920 the husband's you know, through me. So, but it's not Yeah, 0:20:33.960 --> 0:20:37.399 it's not always like Jeff doesn't always sync up with 0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:41.560 the guy like I am syncing up with the girl. 0:20:41.640 --> 0:20:43.320 It's not always like that. It's like a little it's 0:20:43.359 --> 0:20:45.800 not the same dynamic. Right. It's me and whatever friend 0:20:45.840 --> 0:20:47.840 I have being alone together. It's a different thing. 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:49.280 Right, let me ask you. 0:20:49.480 --> 0:20:53.000 So there are times when I will text with a 0:20:53.040 --> 0:20:55.600 friend and even a very close friend, and we try 0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:58.000 to see each other, and it just you know, my 0:20:58.080 --> 0:21:00.000 kids are still very needy. None of them drive you 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:05.919 yet they're all you know. I'm still living like sort of, 0:21:05.960 --> 0:21:09.000