1 00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:05,600 Speaker 1: Dear Alana has released weekly and brought to you absolutely free. 2 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,039 Speaker 1: But if you want to binge the whole season right now, 3 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:16,240 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season. 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 1: For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode. 6 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 2: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or 7 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 2: someone you know is in need of help, please contact 8 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,520 Speaker 2: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight. 9 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised. 10 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,680 Speaker 3: Flames brought down the spire and much of the roof 11 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,479 Speaker 3: at Notre Dame Cathedral yesterday. 12 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 4: Notre Dame took two hundred years to build. It's one 13 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:58,240 Speaker 4: of the greatest treasures of medieval architecture. Tonight it lies 14 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 4: in ruins. 15 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,240 Speaker 5: I'm proud to say I'm not your daughter. What kind 16 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 5: of father leads his children to the slaughter? Notre Dame's 17 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 5: flames are getting hotter. We're exercising these monsters, driving out 18 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:16,640 Speaker 5: the impostors, resisting the conquerors. My mother is the one 19 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,480 Speaker 5: who raised me back to life. My mother's raising hell 20 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 5: and demanding you pay the price you put your love 21 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 5: and candy wrappers just to entice them. You dump your 22 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 5: burden on their backs and scourge them and crucify them, 23 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,759 Speaker 5: or putting an end to all the children being sacrificed 24 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,639 Speaker 5: to him. Notre Dame's flames are getting hotter. Notre Dame's 25 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 5: flames are getting hotter. 26 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: From Tenderfoot TV, I'm Simon kent Foung and this is 27 00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: Dear Alana, Part seven. Notre Dame is burning. Alana is 28 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,720 Speaker 1: happy to be home, even if it means moving back 29 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: in with her parents. Her brother Sammy is about to 30 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,600 Speaker 1: get married, and because the wedding's in Spain, the family 31 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: makes a trip of it, stopping in Paris beforehand. I'm 32 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,480 Speaker 1: looking at the photos from that trip. Alana is gorgeous 33 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 1: in a white dress and her hair done up. But 34 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,399 Speaker 1: I noticed something else in the wedding photos. On Alana's 35 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 1: left arm, just below the shoulder are large, blocky uppercase 36 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:20,880 Speaker 1: letters that spelled the word daughter. It almost looks like 37 00:02:20,919 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 1: something drawn in black marker. Joyce tells me that this 38 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:28,160 Speaker 1: was actually a tattoo that Alana got right before the wedding. 39 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 6: Because at first I was like, well. 40 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 7: That's interesting, Like it was so just block letters and 41 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 7: it seemed kind of not pretty and why would you 42 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:36,359 Speaker 7: do that? 43 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,760 Speaker 6: You know, why did you pick that? 44 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 7: And she told me she said it was for you 45 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,520 Speaker 7: and I'm a daughter of God. But then later she 46 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,600 Speaker 7: you know, she admitted to cut the word defiled and 47 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:47,760 Speaker 7: she was covering it up. 48 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 6: Oh wow, yeah. 49 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:53,679 Speaker 8: I feel bad. 50 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,679 Speaker 7: I remember before the wedding up took her to a 51 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,919 Speaker 7: makeup store and I'm like, I don't my grandma might 52 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:02,360 Speaker 7: freak out for China. I was like, forget it because nothing, 53 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 7: but she, you know that she could show it. 54 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:13,120 Speaker 9: Wow, I didn't. 55 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 1: Back at home, Alana tries to reconnect with her church friends, 56 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:23,160 Speaker 1: but something shifted. News has spread about her relationship with Jessica. 57 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:27,079 Speaker 5: Sister Concepta was like my mother. She was so kind 58 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 5: and loving. I called her every week in treatment. She 59 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 5: always made me laugh. When Jessica became my girlfriend, I 60 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,040 Speaker 5: felt like things changed, like maybe she felt like all 61 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 5: her efforts were wasted, but I didn't want to leave her. 62 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 5: She was my mother. It soon became clear that she 63 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 5: was going to try to lead me in one direction, 64 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,920 Speaker 5: but I needed to go a different way. I told 65 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 5: her we shouldn't meet anymore. But I was the one 66 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 5: that felt abandoned. I still wanted her in my life. 67 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 5: I still wanted to talk to her and visit her. 68 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 5: I didn't want her to be my spiritual director. I 69 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,080 Speaker 5: just wanted her to be my friend. Why couldn't she 70 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:09,880 Speaker 5: just be my friend? 71 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 1: And in another entry, addressed to one of her priests. 72 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:18,200 Speaker 5: Dear father, I was really angry at you because in 73 00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:20,240 Speaker 5: my darkest hour, you wouldn't. 74 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 10: Speak to me. 75 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,440 Speaker 5: I called you, wrote to you, left you messages. I 76 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:29,719 Speaker 5: never got an answer. Where did you go? You said 77 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,760 Speaker 5: I was your daughter. 78 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 1: It's not just her spiritual mentors who she feels have 79 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 1: abandoned her. Even her friends seem like they're keeping their distance. 80 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:45,000 Speaker 5: Micah, do you care about me? Then? Why is it 81 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,360 Speaker 5: me that always texts you? It was nearly a year 82 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,160 Speaker 5: after I was less in Colorado that we finally met up. 83 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 5: Didn't you care wonder how I was? Don't you realize 84 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,160 Speaker 5: how different life is for me? Now? Don't you want 85 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,960 Speaker 5: to know? Don't you want to know who I really am? 86 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:08,159 Speaker 5: We were best friends, We were soulmates. You were my 87 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,479 Speaker 5: protector on our adventures. You used to love me. 88 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:13,120 Speaker 11: What happened? 89 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,160 Speaker 1: It's as if they don't know how to handle all 90 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 1: the changes in her life, her mental health, struggles, her sexuality, 91 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,520 Speaker 1: this other side of her that they've never seen before. 92 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:28,039 Speaker 5: My closest friends from Saint Tom's haven't contacted me. I 93 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,680 Speaker 5: feel rejected from my old life, barred for my community. 94 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,800 Speaker 5: I can't stay with the sisters, So how can I 95 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:36,960 Speaker 5: get my community back? 96 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 10: Should I even try to get. 97 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 6: My community back? 98 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 5: I feel so alone. Why hasn't Father Peter written to me? 99 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,480 Speaker 5: Do they think I'm on vacation. It's not okay to 100 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:51,599 Speaker 5: leave your friend behind. 101 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:55,919 Speaker 1: It's not okay, and life at home is also different. 102 00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:00,960 Speaker 5: This new relationship with my family scares me. I've known 103 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,359 Speaker 5: them my whole life, but now they finally know me. 104 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 5: It scares me. It's so old and so new. 105 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 1: All the things that used to be so familiar feel 106 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: foreign and off. Alana even stops going to church. Whenever 107 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:23,280 Speaker 1: she enters a Catholic church, she can't help but cry. 108 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:27,360 Speaker 5: When I went to treatment, Rachel, father Peter, Father Dave, 109 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,839 Speaker 5: and the sisters were the only ones that I trusted. 110 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,680 Speaker 5: They were the only ones that stayed by my side. 111 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 5: But as I became more true to myself, I guess 112 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:40,520 Speaker 5: they didn't see the need to mentor me. I feel 113 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 5: misled and abandoned, like they all made it but I lost. 114 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:51,040 Speaker 5: It hurts so much when they left me, I had 115 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 5: to pull over the car to throw up as I 116 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 5: drove away. I feel so ashamed, like I hate myself. 117 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:03,600 Speaker 5: I feel so stupid and weak and like a slut. 118 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,640 Speaker 5: I want to hurt myself. 119 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 9: I haven't felt this way. 120 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 5: In so long, and it's terrifying. The one place I 121 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 5: felt safest was slowly allowing my illness to grow stronger 122 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,080 Speaker 5: to the point of eventual death. 123 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 6: That scares the shit out of me. 124 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 1: She's grappling with how she got here and who's responsible? 125 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 5: Why did it take me so long to do something 126 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 5: about it? Where was God all this time? I want 127 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 5: to blame someone, but who's to blame me them anyone? 128 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,800 Speaker 5: How do I get past this? Anything to do with 129 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 5: Jesus or the Catholic Church reminds me. I don't ever 130 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,760 Speaker 5: want to be in the same headspace I used to 131 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 5: be in. I want to blame everyone, but no one 132 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,640 Speaker 5: forced this on me. 133 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 9: It was always my choice. 134 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 12: Well, you can remind your son, because every time something 135 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 12: scary comes up you decide to run. You're all going 136 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,840 Speaker 12: to be running for the rest of your loves. 137 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,880 Speaker 1: I'm back in San Francisco and it's summer movie season 138 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:40,439 Speaker 1: at Dolores Park. This evening they're playing Sister Act too. 139 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: Everyone's got their picnic, blanket and snacks lined up for 140 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:52,480 Speaker 1: the sing along. I'm here with my friend Andrew. Andrew's 141 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,320 Speaker 1: an er doctor at SF General. I feel like a zombie, 142 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,920 Speaker 1: and I've been telling him about how hard it's been 143 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:03,280 Speaker 1: in Colorado with sleeping in the panic attacks that have persisted. 144 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 13: Basically, what I was saying is like what you're describing 145 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:13,199 Speaker 13: as like symptoms of PTSD. You're describing nightmares, difficulty sleeping. 146 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,120 Speaker 1: He rhymes off the list of symptoms. 147 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:21,840 Speaker 13: Unwanted upsetting, memories, flashbacks, emotional distress after exposure to dramatic reminders. 148 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,360 Speaker 1: Maybe he's onto something, but I'm still skeptical. 149 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:26,800 Speaker 13: That reminds you. 150 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,760 Speaker 14: You were saying that my body in mind perceive it 151 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 14: as trauma. Like I guess I never identified with that, 152 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,800 Speaker 14: Like I wasn't assaulted, I wasn't attacked or anything. 153 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,360 Speaker 13: You know, you weren't in war, you know you didn't 154 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:45,079 Speaker 13: have anything like that. But regardless, your body perceives many 155 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 13: things as trauma or threats. And I think a lot 156 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,760 Speaker 13: of gay people went through some prolonged episodes of trauma 157 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 13: growing up. I think it's probably bringing back a lot 158 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:57,920 Speaker 13: of stuff. 159 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 1: Andrew's also gay, and he's been through his own journey 160 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,880 Speaker 1: of reconciling his Catholicism with his sexuality. This is someone 161 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,160 Speaker 1: who studied the entire Bible multiple times, and even with 162 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,599 Speaker 1: that knowledge, he comes back to his own conscience. 163 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,320 Speaker 13: That's what guides me, I think the most is you know, 164 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 13: I read scripture, I meditate and pray, but ultimately I 165 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,559 Speaker 13: think that what guides me most and a lot of 166 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,120 Speaker 13: this stuff is my conscience. I think that's probably the 167 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,440 Speaker 13: way God talks to you and guides you a lot 168 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 13: of the time. 169 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,719 Speaker 14: I think, I think you're right. I think That's what 170 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,960 Speaker 14: I'm struggling with is like, is. 171 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,360 Speaker 13: He rationalize what your conscience is saying versus what the 172 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,760 Speaker 13: church and other people are saying. 173 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,959 Speaker 14: I think I'm still sorting out what my conscience is saying, 174 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:53,040 Speaker 14: you know, because I think my conscience has been formed 175 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:57,679 Speaker 14: so much by the logic that these people are operating from, 176 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 14: so I empathize with where they're coming from. But I 177 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 14: also know that I was not doing well in that space. 178 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,920 Speaker 14: And I am not doing well now as I am 179 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:09,800 Speaker 14: going through all this again. 180 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:13,600 Speaker 13: Like I think that's also telling. 181 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,120 Speaker 1: He gives me a list of things that I might 182 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 1: do to take better care of myself. I did not 183 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,439 Speaker 1: expect this intervention. 184 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,400 Speaker 13: Moral of the story is, you need to be kinder 185 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,520 Speaker 13: to yourself. You would give other people the same advice. 186 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,040 Speaker 13: I think tech has conditioned you to be terrible to yourself. 187 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 13: Am I wrong? 188 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 14: Does tech do that? 189 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:39,439 Speaker 13: Yeah? Tech people work as their life. You're terrible to yourselves? 190 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:41,959 Speaker 13: Am I wrong? 191 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 15: No? 192 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,680 Speaker 13: Most happy people don't do that. Don't work their selves 193 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 13: to death, no matter how much they enjoy their work. 194 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,280 Speaker 1: He's right. I did burn out of my tech job. 195 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,959 Speaker 1: But I still have trouble with the idea that I've 196 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 1: been traumatized or been a victim of anything Like Alana. 197 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,400 Speaker 1: I feel responsible for my choices and beliefs. But is 198 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 1: my body trying to tell me something? Maybe it knows 199 00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:14,680 Speaker 1: more than what I give it credit for. 200 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 5: I am a gay woman. I don't struggle with same 201 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:27,079 Speaker 5: sex attraction. It comes quite easily. I don't struggle, It's 202 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:31,280 Speaker 5: what my body feels naturally. For years I thought differently. 203 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 5: I was told that homosexuality was across. Yes, the very 204 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:39,720 Speaker 5: thing that Christ's scourged body hung from, an outcome of 205 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,120 Speaker 5: the fall, a mental disorder to which I must never succumb, 206 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 5: Not even the worst of all, the very thing I 207 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,440 Speaker 5: call love. They said it was no more than a 208 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 5: narcissistic projection of my maternal wounds. Mom My mom, that 209 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 5: woman that never gave up on me, would sit with 210 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 5: me on the toilet to soothe my anxiety. Turn the 211 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,440 Speaker 5: hot water on, let the steam call my lungs, so 212 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,120 Speaker 5: that I could breathe and be safe in the evening 213 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 5: light in my mother's arms. 214 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:15,040 Speaker 1: Alana's coming into an acceptance of her sexuality, and she's 215 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:19,280 Speaker 1: not apologetic about it. She challenges the conversion therapy narratives 216 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 1: that pitted her against her mother, defending her, recognizing the 217 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: love that was always there, and defying the psychological and 218 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:32,319 Speaker 1: theological ideas she'd been taught. Sophia, her sister, notices how 219 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,920 Speaker 1: much Alana has changed. First in her appearance. 220 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 10: She started having more fun clothes, she started to get 221 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:44,240 Speaker 10: a lot more creative painted her room. She'd go back 222 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,280 Speaker 10: to wearing like glitter all the time. 223 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,360 Speaker 1: Alana even goes to Pride for the first time and 224 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,080 Speaker 1: she's bringing Jessica around more. 225 00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:54,640 Speaker 10: She had a girlfriend that she would was openly able 226 00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 10: to bring around us, and I loved her. She's super funny. 227 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,040 Speaker 10: N Lana would like hold her hand while she was 228 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 10: around her, kiss her. It wasn't like she was hiding 229 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:06,480 Speaker 10: this anymore. 230 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,200 Speaker 1: But what was most significant for Sophia was that she 231 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 1: felt like she and Alana were bonding again and we. 232 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 10: Started to become close again, which was awesome. We're on 233 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 10: a backpacking trip together. It was the best because it 234 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,680 Speaker 10: was just me and Alana. 235 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,800 Speaker 1: As I scroll through Alana's texts from this period, a 236 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:30,120 Speaker 1: few months after she's moved back home from treatment, I 237 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,600 Speaker 1: find a conversation she has with father Dave, dated September 238 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 1: twenty seventeen, just as she's about to redo her senior 239 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,880 Speaker 1: year at CU. It starts off casual. He asks her, 240 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:44,000 Speaker 1: are you praying your Rosary smiley face emoji? 241 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 15: No? 242 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 1: Why not? 243 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:52,200 Speaker 5: He asks, It's boring, it seems unnatural, and it is 244 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 5: a foundational prayer of the Church, And I don't trust 245 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 5: the church. 246 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,320 Speaker 1: Why don't you trust? And remember, you're not going to 247 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:04,440 Speaker 1: be judged on other people's holiness or theological accuracy, but 248 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:05,840 Speaker 1: on your lifestyle. 249 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,120 Speaker 5: He replies, Why do you say that like? 250 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 6: What brought that up? 251 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,280 Speaker 1: He writes, because I'm afraid for you that you have 252 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,480 Speaker 1: never spoken against the church like that. And I am 253 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 1: not saying that this is you, but I have met hundreds, 254 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,720 Speaker 1: literally hundreds of people who when they turn against the church, 255 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 1: it's because their own lifestyles have changed. Again, I am 256 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 1: not saying it is you, but I am afraid for 257 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:36,120 Speaker 1: anybody who speaks like that, especially someone who once loved 258 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:41,120 Speaker 1: the church so much. It's extremely, extremely dangerous ground usually 259 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,560 Speaker 1: for one salvation. Be extremely careful where you're going. 260 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:51,160 Speaker 5: A. Lona responds, I don't speak against the church because 261 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 5: I have pride. I speak against the Church because I 262 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:58,760 Speaker 5: have real and deep pain. I don't trust the church 263 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 5: because the fruit of mine my labor was shame, fear, pain, 264 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,840 Speaker 5: mental instability, and my life was put at risk. I 265 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,840 Speaker 5: changed my lifestyle so that I wouldn't be crushed under 266 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:13,480 Speaker 5: the weight of depression and anxiety. I am so much 267 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,480 Speaker 5: healthier now. But when I hear you say things like this, 268 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,760 Speaker 5: or talk to the sisters or try to go to 269 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,800 Speaker 5: mass I revert back to where I was a year ago. 270 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 5: I'm distancing myself from the church right now, because I 271 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,200 Speaker 5: don't feel safe or loved or accepted. 272 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: He continues, Okay, you'd have to explain in person what 273 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,800 Speaker 1: you actually mean by changed lifestyle, because I don't want 274 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 1: to go down that road on text messages. He closes 275 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,600 Speaker 1: with this, regardless, I'm here for you, and you can 276 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:48,040 Speaker 1: call me any time about anything, even trivial matters, because 277 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 1: I will always keep my promise. I will love you 278 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,840 Speaker 1: one hundred percent through thick and thin heart emoji. 279 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,520 Speaker 5: I just can't talk about this stuff anymore. 280 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 10: It hurts too much. 281 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,320 Speaker 1: This is the last time Alana texts with Father Dave. 282 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:09,160 Speaker 1: I'm struck by the gravity of this moment. Alana standing 283 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,680 Speaker 1: up to her mentor for the first time, the man 284 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:15,240 Speaker 1: who kept all her secrets. But more than that, she's 285 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:20,560 Speaker 1: speaking her truth, calmly, clearly, sharing her real life experiences, 286 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 1: the fruit of her labor, as she puts it, in 287 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,080 Speaker 1: the face of all those familiar, veiled warnings of hell 288 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,720 Speaker 1: by the person who, for most of her adolescence wielded 289 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:34,400 Speaker 1: such tremendous spiritual authority over her, she elucidly details how 290 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,480 Speaker 1: his words and actions have actually affected her and tells 291 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,680 Speaker 1: him that she just can't talk about this anymore. I'm 292 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 1: astonished by her courage. Alana continues to process all of 293 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:46,560 Speaker 1: this in her journals. 294 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:51,720 Speaker 5: They called it unconditional, but it wasn't. It was impossible 295 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 5: for them to accept me as I am. Why is 296 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,760 Speaker 5: it so important for them to accept that part of me? 297 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:01,159 Speaker 5: Because it's a part of me, part of my identity, 298 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,480 Speaker 5: It's an important part of my life. 299 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:04,280 Speaker 1: Who I love? 300 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 5: Why is that so bad? Don't say you love me? 301 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 5: It's confusing. I know what real love is now. If 302 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:20,439 Speaker 5: you loved me, then why don't you care anymore? I 303 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,000 Speaker 5: never said anything to a fault. I wanted to let 304 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,760 Speaker 5: you be you, but you never let me be me. 305 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,840 Speaker 5: You don't want to see me, you don't want to 306 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 5: know me. I have so much to say to you, guys. 307 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,359 Speaker 5: You don't realize how you all contributed to my immense 308 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 5: suffering in the name of love. I worry if you 309 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,320 Speaker 5: ever meet someone like me, you will try to love 310 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:48,159 Speaker 5: them in the same way you will hurt them. You 311 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:52,640 Speaker 5: hurt me, You made me feel so ashamed, you made 312 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 5: me hate myself. I continue to hate myself. I struggled 313 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:04,119 Speaker 5: so hard. I wanted it to be easier. I tried, 314 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:09,000 Speaker 5: but I couldn't shake it. I don't understand how you 315 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:14,120 Speaker 5: could see me struggle and not intervene or question the process. 316 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,639 Speaker 5: I was playing a dangerous game. I was messing with 317 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:21,120 Speaker 5: the person God made me to be. This is who 318 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,439 Speaker 5: I am. I'm not over identifying with it. This is 319 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:26,520 Speaker 5: a huge part of me. 320 00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:33,679 Speaker 1: Alana is putting things into words I haven't yet been 321 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,920 Speaker 1: able to. What can be so confusing in the church 322 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 1: is that it repeatedly says it loves us, but your 323 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 1: SSA that part we don't love. So stop over identifying 324 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,640 Speaker 1: with it. It's just a temptation anyways. But what if 325 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 1: Alana's right? What if my sexuality isn't a small part 326 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,600 Speaker 1: of me, but a huge part of me. What if 327 00:19:55,640 --> 00:20:00,359 Speaker 1: it's not just about sex but about companionship, bonding love. 328 00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:04,639 Speaker 1: What if it's as much me as my face, my voice, 329 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 1: my mind, my heart? And then at what point does 330 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:12,120 Speaker 1: the harm of messing with me start to matter? As 331 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:15,760 Speaker 1: Elana says, messing with the person God made her to be. 332 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,159 Speaker 1: Even though Alana sounds like she's standing up to her 333 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,760 Speaker 1: spiritual community for hurting her privately, she's traumatized and still 334 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,400 Speaker 1: hates herself. She blames the church for standing idly by 335 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,920 Speaker 1: while her mental health had been deteriorating. 336 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:45,320 Speaker 5: I lost everything. I lost my humor, I lost my joy, 337 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:49,040 Speaker 5: I lost my passion. I lost the ones that I loved. 338 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:56,000 Speaker 5: I lost my ability to love anyone or myself. How 339 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,240 Speaker 5: can you cling to a religion that is so cruel? 340 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,480 Speaker 5: This burden I had to carry? You dare not lift 341 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:10,080 Speaker 5: a finger. You killed me. You absolutely killed me. 342 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,520 Speaker 1: In the summer of twenty nineteen, Colorado's ban on conversion 343 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:24,560 Speaker 1: therapy for minors goes into effect in the US. These 344 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,879 Speaker 1: bans exist in many states. However, they don't apply to 345 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,760 Speaker 1: religious settings, which is where the vast majority of young 346 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 1: people receive conversion therapy. The Denver Post is looking for 347 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,879 Speaker 1: people to speak to for an article. Chrisa tells me 348 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,480 Speaker 1: about how much of a struggle this was for Alana. 349 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 16: I knew Alana was really nervous going into the story. 350 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,919 Speaker 16: It wasn't something she wanted to do right away. She 351 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:48,919 Speaker 16: was like in this struggle of wanting to share her 352 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,920 Speaker 16: story because she knew it would be helpful to others. 353 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,320 Speaker 16: She was scared of what people at the church would 354 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:57,679 Speaker 16: say if they read the story. 355 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 1: Alana's hesitant right in her journal that she doesn't want 356 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:05,400 Speaker 1: anyone to get hurt, doesn't want anybody's life to be ruined. 357 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,000 Speaker 1: But she eventually agrees to be interviewed. 358 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,200 Speaker 16: And then when she had the interview, my mom text 359 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,119 Speaker 16: me and was like, hey, if you have time, like, 360 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,880 Speaker 16: can you call your sister. She's having a really hard 361 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:20,440 Speaker 16: time after the interview because she just had to relive everything. 362 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,119 Speaker 16: And so I went over to the house and she 363 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,359 Speaker 16: was in her bed, just like crying and like not 364 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:26,560 Speaker 16: talking at all. 365 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:32,320 Speaker 1: The article in the Denver Post profiles Alana alongside two 366 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:37,000 Speaker 1: other conversion therapy survivors. It describes her struggle with reconciling 367 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,120 Speaker 1: her sexual identity with her dream of becoming a nun. 368 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,320 Speaker 1: Here's how Alana is quoted. 369 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:48,320 Speaker 5: I felt a lot of shame and anxiety. I couldn't sleep, 370 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,600 Speaker 5: I couldn't stop thinking about it, you know, like was 371 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,639 Speaker 5: I going to hell? But I was still extremely faithful 372 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,679 Speaker 5: and I felt like the church and the counseling was 373 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:02,920 Speaker 5: the thing that was saving me. But like the worse 374 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,680 Speaker 5: I got, the more I clung to it. 375 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:11,120 Speaker 1: Because there are no licensing regulations around religious counseling. Colorado's 376 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:14,840 Speaker 1: ban wouldn't have protected Ilana, the article. 377 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:19,119 Speaker 5: Continues, But in reality, I think the church's counsel is 378 00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 5: what led me to be hospitalized. I was feeling so 379 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,560 Speaker 5: much shame that I was comforted by the thought of 380 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:32,840 Speaker 5: hurting myself. By now I've basically completely lost my faith. 381 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:38,960 Speaker 5: I don't really know what I believe about God. I 382 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,879 Speaker 5: think if there is a God, he doesn't need me 383 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:42,920 Speaker 5: talking to him anymore. 384 00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:55,360 Speaker 1: I'm looking through Alana's cracked iPhone. I'm aware of how 385 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,879 Speaker 1: sensitive this is. Our phones tell us so much about 386 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,600 Speaker 1: who we are. I scroll through her Spotify playlists from 387 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,280 Speaker 1: the last few years. She loved Kesha and the Avitt 388 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,159 Speaker 1: Brothers and Andrea Gibson's Spoken Word. I can see the 389 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,960 Speaker 1: places she searched for on Google Maps, and her group 390 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 1: me messages with her Frisbee team. When I tap into 391 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:17,480 Speaker 1: her voice memos app, I hesitate. Could this be where 392 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,879 Speaker 1: Alana left notes to herself? Maybe audio versions of her 393 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:25,000 Speaker 1: journal thoughts. What I find instead are nearly two dozen 394 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,600 Speaker 1: files of original songs. 395 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:37,200 Speaker 10: Ah Greatest Streaker, Turning to Fall Asleep, Faking and. 396 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:43,720 Speaker 6: De for Ans. Really my heartscape to be swearing and 397 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:44,880 Speaker 6: the world to me. 398 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:55,040 Speaker 1: Honestly damn, Alanna scot She's working through song after song 399 00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:56,600 Speaker 1: of original compositions. 400 00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:00,200 Speaker 6: The music take it to a high play. 401 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:05,760 Speaker 1: For a little while about love, God, regret, Tay. 402 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,240 Speaker 6: There's away from me. 403 00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 5: Oh, say. 404 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:15,480 Speaker 15: This away from. 405 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,280 Speaker 9: Me because we regret. 406 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:25,800 Speaker 8: It is whoison a sign it is killing me. 407 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:38,119 Speaker 6: Say true. 408 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:42,960 Speaker 1: A little over a year after dropping out of CU, 409 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,359 Speaker 1: a lot of transfers to Prescott College in Arizona to 410 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,960 Speaker 1: be closer to Jessica, But by the time Alanna arrives, 411 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:53,479 Speaker 1: they've broken up again, something she processes prolifically in her 412 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 1: journals and songs. Still, she's determined to look ahead. I 413 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,480 Speaker 1: know this because of the next voice memo I find 414 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:05,280 Speaker 1: on her phone. It's a memo titled Reading roughly thirty minutes, 415 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,160 Speaker 1: one of the longest and only recordings I can find 416 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:11,960 Speaker 1: of her speaking voice. In it, Alana sounds like she's 417 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,720 Speaker 1: getting an astrology, reading. 418 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 8: When's your birthday? 419 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,119 Speaker 6: October fourteenth? 420 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:21,960 Speaker 8: Oh see, you want everything perfect? What do you mean, Well, 421 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:23,200 Speaker 8: you're a libra. 422 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,000 Speaker 6: Yeah, I want the perfect solution. 423 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 8: I want the perfect good. You know you're perfectionist and 424 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:31,320 Speaker 8: you're an idealist. 425 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,960 Speaker 15: Well that's what I's kind of like ruined my relationship 426 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,480 Speaker 15: with my girlfriend. I just wanted the perfect match. 427 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,120 Speaker 1: She asks Alana. What caused the breakup with Jessica. 428 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,560 Speaker 6: I just think I'm kind of like too damaged right 429 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,960 Speaker 6: now to be in a relationship. 430 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,679 Speaker 8: Okay, So where do you feel you're damaged? 431 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:56,560 Speaker 15: Your First of all, well, I'm gay, yeah, so and 432 00:26:56,720 --> 00:27:00,400 Speaker 15: I but when I was like a teenager, I became 433 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,040 Speaker 15: very involved in the Catholic church. 434 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:07,440 Speaker 8: Okay, so you think you think because you're gay that 435 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 8: you're damaged? Is that where that started? 436 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,760 Speaker 15: Because I like I held it in for so long 437 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:16,560 Speaker 15: and I let like priests and nuns like try and 438 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:18,720 Speaker 15: teach me like how it was supposed to live. I 439 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,840 Speaker 15: just lived a very like a life of like repression 440 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,880 Speaker 15: and self hatred and self doubt. 441 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:29,000 Speaker 8: What else makes you feel emotionally? 442 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:30,480 Speaker 15: That was? 443 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,080 Speaker 6: That's like the main thing. 444 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:32,560 Speaker 8: Yeah. 445 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:37,600 Speaker 6: I think like my like growing up like wasn't super easy. 446 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:38,919 Speaker 6: My parents fought a lot. 447 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 15: And like always on the brink of divorce. So but 448 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,200 Speaker 15: I don't feel as much pain around that anymore. 449 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:49,520 Speaker 8: I know, But it's in there, Yeah, it's in there. 450 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,760 Speaker 1: It strikes me that Alana still seems to be seeking 451 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,639 Speaker 1: some sort of spiritual guidance in her life, perhaps to 452 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,520 Speaker 1: fill the vacuum left by the church, like swapping out 453 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,480 Speaker 1: one framework for another. They look at the cards on 454 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:02,000 Speaker 1: the table. 455 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:07,520 Speaker 3: Ace means new beginning, new challenge, new charge. You're charged 456 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,119 Speaker 3: up about what you want to do, are you okay? 457 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,159 Speaker 8: So you'll make the. 458 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:18,200 Speaker 3: Decision and listen to the fire that's inside of you 459 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:22,160 Speaker 3: that wants to burn a little bit, don't burn yourself. 460 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,440 Speaker 6: And I'm also moving out, and I don't know where 461 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:26,800 Speaker 6: I'm going. 462 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,240 Speaker 8: You don't know. I'm just kind of going, okay. 463 00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:31,399 Speaker 15: Part of me just like wants to travel around a 464 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:33,560 Speaker 15: little bit, like around the United States a little bit. 465 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:37,160 Speaker 8: Yeah, okay, do you have the finances to be able 466 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,200 Speaker 8: to do that? I have a little bit of money, 467 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:40,400 Speaker 8: a little okay. 468 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,720 Speaker 6: I'm not opposed to like staying in homeless shelters or. 469 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:49,680 Speaker 8: Like, do you don't need to stay in a homeless show? No, No, 470 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:50,800 Speaker 8: you don't need to do that. 471 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:54,160 Speaker 15: I feel like right now, like I have enough connections 472 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,000 Speaker 15: with people that like I wouldn't need to So pack 473 00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 15: your pegs, yeah, get moving. 474 00:28:59,440 --> 00:28:59,640 Speaker 14: Yeah. 475 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,880 Speaker 1: Alana packs her bags and begins a new semester at 476 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,760 Speaker 1: Prescott College, where she's just been accepted to a master's 477 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:11,120 Speaker 1: program in counseling, but things change abruptly. Moving on from 478 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:14,520 Speaker 1: her past won't be that easy. She comes home early 479 00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:17,719 Speaker 1: from RA training, telling her friends, I just don't think 480 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,240 Speaker 1: school is where I need to be right now. She 481 00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:22,840 Speaker 1: asks the other ras to water the plants she was 482 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,960 Speaker 1: caring for and assures them I feel a lot better 483 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 1: now that I'm home. But based on her journals, we 484 00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: know that that isn't true. Alana self medicating heavily, smoking 485 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:34,920 Speaker 1: weed to cope. 486 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:40,000 Speaker 5: I've been getting so high every day I can merely 487 00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,080 Speaker 5: think straight. I don't know what it is. 488 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:45,360 Speaker 6: I feel empty. 489 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,520 Speaker 5: I don't want to do anything. I don't want to 490 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:50,600 Speaker 5: take my meds anymore. 491 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:54,400 Speaker 1: She writes about how she uses it whenever she's alone, 492 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:56,960 Speaker 1: so much so that she doesn't want to take her 493 00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 1: antidepression medication. On the inside, Alana's not doing well. She 494 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:05,560 Speaker 1: journals about crying every day and wishing she was dead 495 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,840 Speaker 1: to stop the pain, even drafting out several suicide notes, 496 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:12,400 Speaker 1: and then days later seemingly feeling optimistic about her future. 497 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:15,840 Speaker 1: On the outside, none of this is obvious to those 498 00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:19,760 Speaker 1: around her. Alana seems cheerful and even plans her own 499 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:23,160 Speaker 1: birthday for the first time, inviting all of her closest friends. 500 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:26,520 Speaker 1: Joy remembers this period as we flip through the last 501 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:28,040 Speaker 1: few pages of their scrap book. 502 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:33,440 Speaker 6: Then she gave it back to me for my wedding. 503 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:36,840 Speaker 1: Remember this is the album that she and Alana would 504 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 1: swap during special occasions. 505 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,120 Speaker 17: And then I actually gave it back to her one 506 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:46,560 Speaker 17: more time for her birthday in twenty nineteen. It was 507 00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:51,160 Speaker 17: in her possession, and then Joyce gave. 508 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:51,320 Speaker 15: It to me. 509 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:56,600 Speaker 1: Do you feel comfortable reading that last entry from me? 510 00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:57,320 Speaker 5: Yeah? 511 00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:02,240 Speaker 17: So it says you're twenty fourth they eve. I told 512 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:05,680 Speaker 17: someone today that I was busy tonight because I'm celebrating 513 00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:09,400 Speaker 17: the birthday of my best friend since kindergarten. Then I 514 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:13,040 Speaker 17: reread this journal and am in awe of your thoughtfulness 515 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 17: and love. You are not the girl I met in 516 00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:19,760 Speaker 17: line for class at Fireside. You have shaped so much 517 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 17: of who I have become. I consider it a real 518 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,000 Speaker 17: honor to continually beginning to know you in new stages 519 00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:29,360 Speaker 17: and seasons of life. Each version of you is a 520 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:36,600 Speaker 17: gift to me. May year twenty four bring you love, light, healing, hope, 521 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:40,840 Speaker 17: and many more unexpected gifts. It has already brought you 522 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:44,600 Speaker 17: back to Colorado, which is a gift to me. Love 523 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:48,320 Speaker 17: joy ps. I almost didn't write this because I didn't 524 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,480 Speaker 17: want to give up this book. I love it so much, 525 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,440 Speaker 17: but it is not mine, it is ours. 526 00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:09,400 Speaker 1: When I first met Alana's mom, Joyce, she'd reflect on 527 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,640 Speaker 1: how happy Alana looks in her birthday photos, with her 528 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:16,000 Speaker 1: head tilted, Alana smiling as she holds up her birthday 529 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:20,320 Speaker 1: gifts two packs of Darn Tough hiking socks. The party 530 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 1: Alana threw for herself was small and intimate. She even 531 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:26,720 Speaker 1: invited a new girl she'd been seeing. The next evening, 532 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,960 Speaker 1: Alana goes to a Lizzo concert, and at Thanksgiving, her 533 00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:32,240 Speaker 1: friends from Prescott come and visit her to urge her 534 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:37,120 Speaker 1: to come back to school. On Saturday, December seventh, twenty nineteen, 535 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:40,960 Speaker 1: two months after her birthday, Alana leaves home at around 536 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 1: three pm, telling her mom that she's going hiking and Boulder. 537 00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,800 Speaker 1: She ends up missing her appointment with a friend that evening. 538 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:51,800 Speaker 1: Since Alana had a reputation for disappearing into nature by herself, 539 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:55,480 Speaker 1: this wasn't totally out of character. But when Alana doesn't 540 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:59,400 Speaker 1: return home that night, her family begins to worry, they 541 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:03,720 Speaker 1: hold off calling the police, contacting all of Alana's friends first, 542 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:07,600 Speaker 1: even reaching out to Jessica in Arizona. No one's seen 543 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:12,000 Speaker 1: or heard from Milana. As concern grows, her family decides 544 00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,160 Speaker 1: to call the police and report her missing. By the 545 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,640 Speaker 1: next day, the local news picks up the. 546 00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:19,479 Speaker 6: Story, breaking from overnight. 547 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:22,560 Speaker 15: Family members of Alana Chin say they haven't heard from 548 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:23,560 Speaker 15: her since Saturday. 549 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:24,160 Speaker 3: Brian. 550 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,960 Speaker 18: Alana Chen's family members say she loved nature and she 551 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:30,120 Speaker 18: was actually on her way here to Chautauqua Park to 552 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,920 Speaker 18: go hiking on Saturday afternoon, but since then, her family 553 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:36,680 Speaker 18: says they haven't heard from her. Lewisville Police says she 554 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:40,480 Speaker 18: was last seen wearing a black down jacket, jeans, and 555 00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:41,920 Speaker 18: timberlin hiking boots. 556 00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:45,320 Speaker 10: It hadn't been that long, so I was like, okay, 557 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:50,160 Speaker 10: there's still chances of calling her, texting her. I still 558 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,680 Speaker 10: have the text on my phone, something along the lines 559 00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:57,360 Speaker 10: like I can't wait for us to do like go 560 00:33:57,560 --> 00:34:01,320 Speaker 10: climbing and hiking together, so please like come a home. 561 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:06,120 Speaker 1: Friends and family spend to the weekend scanning the area 562 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:10,640 Speaker 1: looking for Alana's black Toyota Camry. Nitacides to search for 563 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,319 Speaker 1: Alana at a reservoir in the mountains where Alana liked 564 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:13,719 Speaker 1: to camp. 565 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:16,960 Speaker 19: I'm leaving from Denver. This is like six pm on 566 00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,960 Speaker 19: I think Sunday, December ninth. It's starting to get dark. 567 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:23,600 Speaker 19: It's starting to sprinkle some snowflakes. Get to the first 568 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:27,000 Speaker 19: parking lint, Gross Reservoir and start driving around and don't 569 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,759 Speaker 19: see a car. Go to the next lot, it's a 570 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:30,560 Speaker 19: little bit smaller. 571 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:31,359 Speaker 6: Don't see a car. 572 00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:34,440 Speaker 18: According to Louisville Police, who have been keeping in contact 573 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:37,719 Speaker 18: with family members, this is very unusual behavior. And on 574 00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:40,799 Speaker 18: top of her not corresponding with her family, her cell 575 00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:42,359 Speaker 18: phone has been turned off as well. 576 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:46,239 Speaker 19: Get to the third lot again, don't see a car. Okay, 577 00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:48,680 Speaker 19: I'm relieved. I don't see you know, Alana's car here. 578 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,080 Speaker 19: It's a good sign that she might not be here. 579 00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:53,800 Speaker 19: So we ended up, you know, after three lots, turning 580 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:56,040 Speaker 19: around Gross reser ours really massive. 581 00:34:56,960 --> 00:35:00,560 Speaker 1: As Sunday passes with still no sight of Alana, everyone 582 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:04,400 Speaker 1: begins to fear for the worst. It's snowing, with nighttime 583 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:08,359 Speaker 1: temperatures in the teens. Anyone exposed to the elements would 584 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:12,960 Speaker 1: likely not survive the next day. According to the Boulder 585 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:17,280 Speaker 1: County Sheriff's Office. The Denver Water Board reports a suspicious vehicle, 586 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:21,040 Speaker 1: a black Camray, parked by the Gross Reservoir, nearly an 587 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:24,120 Speaker 1: hour away from Alana's home. Nead happened to miss this 588 00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:27,080 Speaker 1: particular parking lot when she had been looking the day before. 589 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,200 Speaker 1: The patrolling witness recalls spotting the same vehicle parked in 590 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:34,720 Speaker 1: the lot as early as Saturday afternoon, but didn't register 591 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,759 Speaker 1: it as unusual at the time. He remembers seeing the 592 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:40,799 Speaker 1: black Camri, but with a single female wearing a winter 593 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:44,360 Speaker 1: wool cap sitting in it alone with a quote confused 594 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:46,759 Speaker 1: look on her face. There were one or two other 595 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 1: cars parked in that lot on Saturday, so he didn't 596 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:53,720 Speaker 1: think much of it. As officers approached the car on Monday, 597 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,400 Speaker 1: they find it covered in a light dust of snow. 598 00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:59,960 Speaker 1: No one's in the car, but they uncover several items, 599 00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:04,839 Speaker 1: a purse, marijuana vaping supplies, a checkbook with a check 600 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:08,759 Speaker 1: written for therapy on the memo line, an Arizona ID card, 601 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:14,440 Speaker 1: and a note to family and friends. At around one 602 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:19,280 Speaker 1: twenty pm on Monday, December tenth, two days after Alana 603 00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:22,719 Speaker 1: was reported missing, police find the body of a young 604 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:28,280 Speaker 1: woman near the reservoir. It's later confirmed to be a Lana. 605 00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:34,680 Speaker 1: She was just twenty four years old. Her cause of death, 606 00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:57,759 Speaker 1: as determined by the coroner, is suicide. What was it 607 00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:01,160 Speaker 1: like for you In the days, weeks and months after 608 00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:04,480 Speaker 1: I'm with Joy, her kindergarten best friend. 609 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:07,840 Speaker 17: It became really scary for me. You know. 610 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:08,440 Speaker 15: I was like. 611 00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,920 Speaker 17: I started to kind of, you know, first job out 612 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:14,759 Speaker 17: of college in the middle health field and was working 613 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:19,560 Speaker 17: with highly suicidal patients, and that was just I shouldn't 614 00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:21,759 Speaker 17: have done that, you know. I was kind of I 615 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:23,080 Speaker 17: didn't know what to do, so I just kind of 616 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:28,279 Speaker 17: kept moving forward. I, you know, just this is this 617 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,560 Speaker 17: is a this is a thing that happened. I had 618 00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:36,920 Speaker 17: thoughts of suicide myself for a while. The pandemic hit 619 00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:44,040 Speaker 17: a few months after, so then isolating and carrying that 620 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:52,120 Speaker 17: stress while grieving was really intense. I was just in 621 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:59,160 Speaker 17: so much pain, like every day and trying to do 622 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,040 Speaker 17: all these things to fix it. Was reading all the 623 00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:05,920 Speaker 17: books and my own therapy, and there's just no answer 624 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:10,680 Speaker 17: for grief. It's just, you know, it just is. You know, 625 00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:12,640 Speaker 17: her funeral, I don't know if you've heard much about it. 626 00:38:12,719 --> 00:38:18,839 Speaker 17: It was massive. It was like overflowing the chapel, which 627 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:21,880 Speaker 17: on the one hand is like beautiful and then on 628 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:23,720 Speaker 17: the other hand just makes me so angry. 629 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,960 Speaker 1: Hundreds attended, including Micah, who was the only one from 630 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:32,000 Speaker 1: Saint Thom's invited. Her Frisbee team made two framed collages 631 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:33,040 Speaker 1: of Alana photos. 632 00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:37,719 Speaker 17: She had all these people who loved her, and the 633 00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:42,479 Speaker 17: church isolated her and told her things that weren't true 634 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:45,239 Speaker 17: so that it couldn't get in. 635 00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:53,359 Speaker 1: As complicated as it was for Alana, it's undeniable how 636 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:56,879 Speaker 1: deeply she was hurt by the church, And yet it's 637 00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,320 Speaker 1: hard for me to hear others talk about the church. 638 00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:01,400 Speaker 1: Church so pointedly. 639 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:09,600 Speaker 17: Alana shared this very vulnerable part of herself with an 640 00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:13,799 Speaker 17: adult in power at a really vulnerable age, and then 641 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:19,560 Speaker 17: they controlled the message from there. So even as she 642 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:27,759 Speaker 17: developed and became an adult, she couldn't reconcile that a 643 00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:32,640 Speaker 17: loving God probably hated her. I think she couldn't get 644 00:39:32,719 --> 00:39:34,640 Speaker 17: rid of that belief that she felt like God hated her, 645 00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:38,400 Speaker 17: or that God needed her to change for her to 646 00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:41,840 Speaker 17: be loved. And I think that the split that that 647 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:48,720 Speaker 17: caused in her was extremely painful. It isolated her in relationships. 648 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:51,120 Speaker 17: It cut her off from all kinds of things that 649 00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:56,920 Speaker 17: she needed, and you know, suicide is an answer to 650 00:39:56,960 --> 00:40:05,359 Speaker 17: an unanswerable problem. I have a lot of anger at 651 00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:07,600 Speaker 17: the church. You know, church was a huge part of 652 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:11,080 Speaker 17: my life. I haven't been in like two years. Like 653 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:15,880 Speaker 17: I just cannot I can't stomach like the lack of 654 00:40:15,920 --> 00:40:22,320 Speaker 17: accountability that this happened, that this happens to tons of people, 655 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,320 Speaker 17: and that it just does not seem to matter. 656 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,360 Speaker 9: I believe that this did not have to happen. 657 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:37,240 Speaker 17: That's so much of my anger. You know, this didn't 658 00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:41,359 Speaker 17: have to happen, but there were a lot of things 659 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:45,839 Speaker 17: in place that allowed it to happen. And it's really 660 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:49,879 Speaker 17: scary to realize that we all loved her and made 661 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:53,680 Speaker 17: mistakes and did our best, and that this shame and 662 00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:55,120 Speaker 17: self hatred was too big. 663 00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:57,239 Speaker 8: To me. 664 00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:02,200 Speaker 17: It's like that internal tension is what happened. The substance use, 665 00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:07,640 Speaker 17: the relationships, the isolation, those were all symptoms. But the 666 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:12,200 Speaker 17: golden thread through it all was her relationship with herself 667 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:16,920 Speaker 17: and God, which was controlled by people who were abusing her. 668 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,120 Speaker 17: That's the best sense I can make of it. I 669 00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:24,040 Speaker 17: don't think that's a perfect answer. That's the best I 670 00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:24,600 Speaker 17: can make of it. 671 00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:44,479 Speaker 1: In twenty twelve, after a decade spent trying to change 672 00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:49,400 Speaker 1: my sexuality through conversion therapy, spiritual counsel, and healing prayer, 673 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,560 Speaker 1: I relocated from New York to the Bay Area for 674 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:57,760 Speaker 1: a new job. Still closeted, I'd scrutinize every attraction and desire, 675 00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:01,480 Speaker 1: applying everything I learned in there Be, surrendering it all 676 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:04,760 Speaker 1: to God in hopes that I was just one breakthrough 677 00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:09,160 Speaker 1: away from healing my father wounds, becoming straight, and unblocking 678 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:14,080 Speaker 1: my vocation to the priesthood. One night, after work, I 679 00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:18,320 Speaker 1: came home to my empty apartment. It was quiet except 680 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:20,560 Speaker 1: for the sound of the family next door making dinner 681 00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:24,440 Speaker 1: for their screeching toddler. I looked around my one bedroom 682 00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:27,680 Speaker 1: with the new Ikea furniture and still on open boxes, 683 00:42:28,239 --> 00:42:33,120 Speaker 1: and I was suddenly failed with a deep sadness. God, 684 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:38,319 Speaker 1: you promised healing, and I trusted you. But why aren't 685 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:42,600 Speaker 1: you healing me? Are you ignoring me? Do you hate me? 686 00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:44,320 Speaker 11: Is this a test? 687 00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:47,640 Speaker 1: I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. 688 00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:53,080 Speaker 1: It was in that moment that I felt something inside 689 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:56,560 Speaker 1: me well up. It was the conviction that I did 690 00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:58,879 Speaker 1: not want to be on my deathbed fifty years from 691 00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:02,880 Speaker 1: now and wonder what if? What if this part of 692 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,040 Speaker 1: me that I've been trying to destroy in the name 693 00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:08,080 Speaker 1: of healing, what if it was trying to show me something. 694 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:12,520 Speaker 1: It was a scandalous thought, one that I quickly tucked away. 695 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,600 Speaker 1: But in that moment I knew, at the very least 696 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:19,680 Speaker 1: that something had to change. This quest to change my 697 00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:24,400 Speaker 1: sexual orientation had to end, or I would. 698 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:32,640 Speaker 11: I will follow you, follow you where if I you 699 00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:34,640 Speaker 11: might go next time. 700 00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:39,440 Speaker 1: On Dear Alana, there was a point when you were thinking, oh, 701 00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:40,960 Speaker 1: maybe this is not going to work. 702 00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:44,600 Speaker 6: But you never told me that you thought that, right? 703 00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:45,600 Speaker 1: Why not? 704 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,440 Speaker 8: I didn't want to destroy your whole. 705 00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:59,520 Speaker 11: I will follow you ever since you touched my head. 706 00:44:02,480 --> 00:44:06,160 Speaker 1: Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon 707 00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,360 Speaker 1: kent Fong and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in 708 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:13,279 Speaker 1: association with a Slopped Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary. 709 00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:16,760 Speaker 1: It was produced by Lori Puliski, who also composed the music. 710 00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:21,640 Speaker 1: Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our 711 00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:25,800 Speaker 1: supervising producer is Tracy Leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup 712 00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:29,960 Speaker 1: and Vanity Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice 713 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,920 Speaker 1: actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song, I Will 714 00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:36,080 Speaker 1: Follow You is by to Loose. Show notes and resources 715 00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:39,239 Speaker 1: can be found on our website Dearlana dot com. If 716 00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:42,040 Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show, 717 00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:43,560 Speaker 1: rate and review. 718 00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:57,760 Speaker 11: Ud monson sohio. Keep Me Away, Away from Long. 719 00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:13,239 Speaker 1: Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If 720 00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:16,480 Speaker 1: you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus 721 00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:19,600 Speaker 1: so you can binge the entire series right now. Add 722 00:45:19,719 --> 00:45:23,320 Speaker 1: free head to Apple Podcasts or tendorfootplus dot com to 723 00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:24,200 Speaker 1: subscribe now.