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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.

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Speaker 2: Hello everybody. Before we get into the episode, I wanted

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Speaker 2: to let you guys know that we now have a

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Speaker 2: YouTube channel. You guys have been asking for video episodes

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Speaker 2: and video versions of the podcast for so long. We

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Speaker 2: finally were able to make it happen. We've been doing

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Speaker 2: it for a couple of months now. So if you

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Speaker 2: like watching your podcast, if you want to see behind

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Speaker 2: the scenes, if you want to see some more live

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Speaker 2: and in your face recordings, that is where you should go.

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Speaker 2: It's just the Psychology of your Twenties on YouTube. I'd

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Speaker 2: really appreciate you quickly jumping over there and subscribing, because

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Speaker 2: it's a new platform for me. It's a new thing

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Speaker 2: that I am trying out. But I hope you enjoy it.

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Speaker 2: I hope you love it. Without further ado, let's get

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Speaker 2: into the episode. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 2: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 2: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 2: have you here back for another episode, as we of

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Speaker 2: course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today we

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Speaker 2: are talking about failure, but not the bad parts about failure,

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Speaker 2: not even why failure necessarily sucks or feels terrible, but

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Speaker 2: rather we're doing a full one to eighty mindset shift

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Speaker 2: on this. We're going to talk about the gift of

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Speaker 2: failure and how falling in love with failure, maybe even

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Speaker 2: deliberately running towards it, will unlock your dream life and

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Speaker 2: so much of what you desire for yourself faster than

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Speaker 2: probably any other method out there. Now, this episode, it

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Speaker 2: was this is going to sound so strange, but it

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Speaker 2: was weirdly inspired by Victoria Beckham. I e Posh, spice,

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Speaker 2: stay with me here. I know this feels very off

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Speaker 2: brand for me, but I watched her documentary on Netflix

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Speaker 2: the other day where she describes basically the highs and

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Speaker 2: lows of her career. I posted it on my story

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Speaker 2: and so many of you responded, and it weirdly brought

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Speaker 2: up so many reflections for me on failure. Now, obviously

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Speaker 2: she is a celebrity, she had a lot of control

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Speaker 2: over the narrative that was portrayed in that documentary, But

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Speaker 2: I think my own relationship to failure has changed so

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Speaker 2: much recently that everything she was talking about kind of

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Speaker 2: resonated on a new level, and for the first time

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Speaker 2: in my life, I feel more positive about it than negative.

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Speaker 2: My whole life isn't focused on avoiding failure anymore, and

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Speaker 2: it definitely was when I was younger. I was so

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Speaker 2: obsessed with making sure every single step, every single decision,

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Speaker 2: was the perfect decision, never falling short of my expectations.

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Speaker 2: But strangely, you know, this is the year that I

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Speaker 2: have failed more than I ever have before. And maybe

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Speaker 2: I'll talk about it a little bit further down the

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Speaker 2: line when some of the dust has kind of settled,

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Speaker 2: But I have failed more this year than any other

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Speaker 2: year in my life, and I have never felt more

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Speaker 2: confident and certain in what I am doing, almost because

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Speaker 2: of that. So let's talk about it today. What is

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Speaker 2: the freedom that you can find in failure, especially in

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Speaker 2: your twenties, in the so called failure decade. Why is

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Speaker 2: it that failure is one of the singular things that

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Speaker 2: all successful people have in common, no matter what industry

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Speaker 2: they're in across time. What is it about those people

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Speaker 2: that approach failure differently? To the rest of us, and

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Speaker 2: from that, how can we cultivate a mindset that sees

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Speaker 2: this as us actually getting closer to what we want

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Speaker 2: rather than further away. That's going to sound strange given

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Speaker 2: how we've been taught to think about this experience, but

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Speaker 2: I promise it will make more sense as the episode

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Speaker 2: goes on. I am so into talking about this topic

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Speaker 2: at the moment in my own life and with my friends,

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Speaker 2: So I hope you can kind of feel that energy

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Speaker 2: like coming off me right now. I'm so excited to

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Speaker 2: get into it without further ado, let's talk about why

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Speaker 2: we need to fall in love and how we can

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Speaker 2: fall in love with failure stay with us. So let's

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Speaker 2: start with a very simple question, why do we fear failure?

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Speaker 2: I say simple, but there are many many layers to

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Speaker 2: this conundrum, starting with the most basic explanation, which is

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Speaker 2: that we fear failure because it feels bad, simple as

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Speaker 2: that it injures our ego, it's embarrassing, that creates, you know, emotional, psychological,

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Speaker 2: and social pain within us. Really, what it's based in

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Speaker 2: is self worth and how much we implicitly tie self

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Speaker 2: worth to external achievement and the progress the visible progress

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Speaker 2: we make towards our goals. When we view ourselves as

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Speaker 2: creatures of output, and I guess also creatures of performance

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Speaker 2: whose value is derived from what we do rather than

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Speaker 2: who we are inherently. Anytime we come up short of

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Speaker 2: what we expect of ourselves or what others expect from us,

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Speaker 2: it strikes really deep deep into our sense of character,

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Speaker 2: and it also attaches to things like our discipline, our intelligence,

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Speaker 2: our innate talent, our ability to work out, our creativity strength.

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Speaker 2: All of those things are deeply personal self assessments and

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Speaker 2: deeply personal attributes. So when we feel like because we

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Speaker 2: have failed, it's because we lack those things, or is

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Speaker 2: there is some deficiency in those things that is deeply painful,

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Speaker 2: And it's mainly first and foremost to do with our ego. Now,

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Speaker 2: of course this didn't come from nowhere. If you have

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Speaker 2: ever been around children recently, specifically young kids, you will

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Speaker 2: notice they don't really concern themselves with whether what they're

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Speaker 2: doing is good or comparatively better than anyone else or

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Speaker 2: up to their own standards. All they want to do

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Speaker 2: is explore and learn and appreciate and love. And then

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Speaker 2: at some stage this pressure gets added onto them onto us. Now.

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Speaker 2: Of course, you know, kids make mistakes, but all their

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Speaker 2: mistakes are like, hey, when I jump off the playground,

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Speaker 2: I will break my arm. I'm not going to jump

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Speaker 2: off the playground. Or when I hit someone, I will

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Speaker 2: be scolded. These are all lessons and you know, mistakes

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Speaker 2: that hopefully shape them into good and safe people when

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Speaker 2: there is an academic setting, When they enter a schooling setting,

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Speaker 2: that's when like this idea of failure that we know

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Speaker 2: now actually beg to take hold, the idea of like,

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Speaker 2: there is a way I should perform, there is something

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Speaker 2: I should be able to do or obtain. People have

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Speaker 2: expectations for me to be able to do this, and

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Speaker 2: so when I don't, that means I am not good enough.

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Speaker 2: That means I have failed. It should come as no

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Speaker 2: surprise that this situation, this setting, combined with a critical

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Speaker 2: childhood environment, specifically parents who have higher standards for us,

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Speaker 2: and make that known, this really exacerbates the situation and

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Speaker 2: this feeling or fear of failure. You know how parents

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Speaker 2: may just want better for us. We can give them

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Speaker 2: the benefit of the doubt in these situations and say,

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Speaker 2: you know, they just they thought that what they were

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Speaker 2: doing was correct, But in the end, studies own critical

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Speaker 2: parenting have found the long term effects of this are

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Speaker 2: actually probably the reverse of what our parents expected. It's perfectionism.

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Speaker 2: It's a crippling desire to succeed, but that actually creates

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Speaker 2: greater procrastination, greater inflexibility, incapably higher standards that make failure

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Speaker 2: feel like such an emotional burden that the only way

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Speaker 2: to avoid it is to not even try. Over time,

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Speaker 2: as well, I feel like their voice, the voice of

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Speaker 2: the critical parent, begins to mold with our own inner

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Speaker 2: critics voice as well, and so it's almost impossible to

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Speaker 2: indistinguish them. Like when we feel like we have failed,

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Speaker 2: all we hear is their voice in our heads saying,

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Speaker 2: try harder. That's not good enough, that doesn't meet my standards,

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Speaker 2: I'm disappointed in you. These experiences and there's so many

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Speaker 2: others that are like this, but these experiences create learned

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Speaker 2: associations where failure feels unsafe Psychologically, our brains code it

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Speaker 2: as a threat, activating that same kind of panicked response

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Speaker 2: would have for anything that's terrifying or fearful or threatening.

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Speaker 2: So really, what it is is that our sense of

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Speaker 2: failure comes from social expectation, and these rules around what

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Speaker 2: success is and isn't and those rules are the ones

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Speaker 2: that we've inherited from generations and generations before us, And

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Speaker 2: these rules are based on this hierarchy for what is

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Speaker 2: successful and what is not. Often success means having more,

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Speaker 2: being the best, obtaining more, being number one, this elevated status.

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Speaker 2: What's interesting is that, again that is completely socially conditioned

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Speaker 2: and subjective. You know, animals don't agonize over their failures.

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Speaker 2: Our perception of whether we've failed or been successful as well,

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Speaker 2: like really changes based on what we've been told about

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Speaker 2: the task, or told about the thing that we're doing,

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Speaker 2: or about certain performance metrics. Fe example, this is the

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Speaker 2: example actually I used with a friend the other day,

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Speaker 2: the two hundred meter spraint at the Olympics. Now, if

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Speaker 2: you want to win gold, if you want to be

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Speaker 2: a so called success at that sport, being the fastest

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Speaker 2: would make you a winner. Being the slowest would make

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Speaker 2: you think of yourself as a failure. But imagine if

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Speaker 2: the actual task of the two hundred meters was to

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Speaker 2: run backwards or was to cartwheel the whole thing. The

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Speaker 2: fastest person would then be seen as a failure. Because

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Speaker 2: the structure of the task has changed, not because of

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Speaker 2: anything that's wrong with them. They are still the fastest.

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Speaker 2: That just doesn't matter. This is the same with life sometimes,

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Speaker 2: you know, there is a big focus again on accumulating,

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Speaker 2: on being the best, on getting ahead. But if our

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Speaker 2: performance metrics for the task of life was instead to

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Speaker 2: enjoy ourselves, to love more, to experience more, to try

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Speaker 2: and to fail and to learn all like this whole hierarchy,

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Speaker 2: this whole concept of what makes someone a success and

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Speaker 2: what makes someone a failure, would change because it is

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Speaker 2: socially conditioned. I think. Aside from that, on a more

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Speaker 2: personal level, you know, sometimes we fear of failure because

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Speaker 2: we actually just don't like the idea of being seen,

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Speaker 2: of being in the spotlight for seemingly the wrong reasons.

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Speaker 2: You don't actually have a fear of failing, You fear

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Speaker 2: of failing in public. I think this is why we

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Speaker 2: resonate a lot with those videos that are like I

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Speaker 2: disappeared for a year and I came back a whole

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Speaker 2: new person, Like people love those videos. And I saw

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Speaker 2: someone say it's because the disappearing part allows us to

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Speaker 2: conceal the occasional ugliness of trying and failing. The disappearing

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Speaker 2: part means that we don't have to see all the

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Speaker 2: times that someone did not meet their own expectations or

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Speaker 2: felt like they had fallen behind. Our fear of being

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Speaker 2: perceived is where this comes from. Also on another non

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Speaker 2: social level, sometimes it's just the cost of failure that

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Speaker 2: scares us. Now, of course that's the financial cost, it's

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Speaker 2: also the time cost, the energy costs, the effort costs,

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Speaker 2: the opportunity cost that we could have put elsewhere. When

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Speaker 2: we put a lot into something and it doesn't go

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Speaker 2: our way, it feels like a waste and our natural

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Speaker 2: human loss aversion, this instinct we have it cringes at

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Speaker 2: that feeling, you know. If we strip away all the

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Speaker 2: social pressure, the disappointment, the comparison, sometimes we just really

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Speaker 2: want something for ourselves and we bet everything we have

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Speaker 2: on it and it doesn't happen, and that lack of

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Speaker 2: a payout is what can be devastating. And this is

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Speaker 2: where the relationship between privilege and failure is so important.

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Speaker 2: To discuss the cost of failure. It's going to differ

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Speaker 2: for different people, and that will change the cycle logical

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Speaker 2: relationship that we have with it. From a psychological standpoint,

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Speaker 2: Our willingness to take risks is influenced by something that

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Speaker 2: we call perceived safety. If we grow up with financial

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Speaker 2: or social privilege, access to education, access to second chances,

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Speaker 2: supportive networks, family wealth, or simply the reassurance that you

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Speaker 2: can recover, your brain will learn that failure is survivable.

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Speaker 2: You can afford to see it as a learning experience

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Speaker 2: rather than a threat, and this creates a more secure mindset,

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Speaker 2: one that supports experimentation and creativity and resilience. It's like

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Speaker 2: that documentary you know, to bring up Victoria Beckham twice

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Speaker 2: in this episode, you know, someone DMed me and she

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Speaker 2: made a great point that yes she was brave to try,

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Speaker 2: but her company did go bankrupt and she did have

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Speaker 2: a multimillionaire husband to support that, and that safety net

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Speaker 2: is actually what secured her inevitable success, not just her

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Speaker 2: attitude towards failure. It's easier to take those kinds of

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Speaker 2: risks when you have security, food, warmth, and money. In contrast,

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Speaker 2: when money is tight or opportunities are scarce. You know,

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Speaker 2: failure isn't just emotional, as it is with everybody. It's

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Speaker 2: also about survival and it can trigger a deep sense

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Speaker 2: of danger and scarcity that some people you know, they

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Speaker 2: just may never feel that. People who have less privilege

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Speaker 2: often develop what Columbia University psychologists they first labeled this

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Speaker 2: in the nineties. It's called a prevention focus. So a

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Speaker 2: prevention focus means that their motivation for doing well or

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Speaker 2: for pursuing things centers on avoiding loss rather than seeking growth.

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Speaker 2: It's not like they're less ambitious or less capable. It's

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Speaker 2: not even that they're less likely to achieve what they

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Speaker 2: want or be successful. It's just that for them, their

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Speaker 2: motivation is different and the stakes are higher. If you have,

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Speaker 2: in contrast, a promotion focus compared to a prevention focus,

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Speaker 2: your motivation is I love the idea of winning. I've

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Speaker 2: envisioning how good this is going to feel. I want

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Speaker 2: a successful life. I want to challenge myself. It's less

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Speaker 2: about I want to escape poverty, and it's less about

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Speaker 2: I want to avoid bankrupting myself or my family, and

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Speaker 2: more about what can be an addition to your life.

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Speaker 2: So when we say don't be afraid to fail, we

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Speaker 2: do need to acknowledge that that is much easier advice

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Speaker 2: to follow when you have a safety net and I

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Speaker 2: just felt the need to say that because going forward,

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Speaker 2: obviously I'm going to talk about how we can celebrate failures,

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Speaker 2: bigants more, but we do have to make that caveat that.

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Speaker 2: You know, there is another part of this picture that

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Speaker 2: you can't just ignore. So when we fear failure, ye,

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Speaker 2: whether because of context, attitude, psychology, upbringing, a few things happen. Firstly,

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Speaker 2: I often find that the more I want something, the

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Speaker 2: more I don't want to fail, the harder it actually

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Speaker 2: becomes to act on that feeling or to achieve that dream,

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Speaker 2: because I am so scared of jinxing it that the

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Speaker 2: pressure amounts to do and to act. But with each

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Speaker 2: step there is this constant back and forth internally that's like,

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Speaker 2: well is this the exact right next step? Will I

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Speaker 2: regret my next move? And so I don't end up

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Speaker 2: doing anything. You've probably heard of this term analysis paralysis.

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Speaker 2: This is what this is describing. You're so invested in

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Speaker 2: the outcome of a decision that you actually can't make

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Speaker 2: the decision because the possibility of it being wrong paralyzes you,

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Speaker 2: petrifies you. So instead of taking that chance, you just

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Speaker 2: do nothing, and as a result, you get nowhere. We

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Speaker 2: may label it as different things. You may call it

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Speaker 2: self sabotage, avoidance, procrastination, laziness. No, it all actually stems

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Speaker 2: from wanting something really deeply, and it stems from that

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Speaker 2: fear of failure. The second consequence is that you may

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Speaker 2: still be able to act and make decisions, but you've

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Speaker 2: kind of got like one foot in and one foot out.

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Speaker 2: You kind of we call it playing defensively. You hesitate

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Speaker 2: before taking the leap, and because you hesitate, that actually

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Speaker 2: hurts you. It's no surprise that a lot of research

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Speaker 2: on this has been done with elite student athletes or

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Speaker 2: just elite athletes in general. In fact, one meta analysis

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Speaker 2: I found from twenty twenty one found that in the

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Speaker 2: last ten years, over forty five studies on the fear

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Speaker 2: of failure in rugby players, basketball players, sprinters, I don't know,

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Speaker 2: water polo players all show that fearing failure is a

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Speaker 2: significant production of poorer performance because it creates anxiety around

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Speaker 2: what the next move will be, and it means that again,

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Speaker 2: people play defensively. It's almost like we fear failure to

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Speaker 2: protect ourselves from failure, but it actually makes the chances

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Speaker 2: of failure greater. It's all like an illusion, an illusion

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Speaker 2: of control. The final cost of fearing failure is that

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Speaker 2: we don't allow ourselves to experiment. Even if we can

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Speaker 2: act on our desires and we do find success, we

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Speaker 2: still remain quite rigid and quite inflexible. We don't try

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Speaker 2: new things, we don't take risks. We can develop this

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Speaker 2: deep sense that at any moment, this can all be

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Speaker 2: taken away. Even when we have success, even when we

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Speaker 2: got an a, even when we got the job we wanted,

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Speaker 2: we got the promotion, we got the deal, it doesn't

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Speaker 2: feel good enough because now we're imagining not having it,

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Speaker 2: and that fear still haunts us. I can personally say

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Speaker 2: this has happened to me when my podcast first started

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Speaker 2: gaining listeners, not to like break the fourth wall here,

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Speaker 2: but when it did, and it was very unexpected, I

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Speaker 2: was just paralyzed by like this can be taken away

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Speaker 2: at any moment and I could still fail. I could

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Speaker 2: still like this could all just go away, and it

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Speaker 2: meant that I didn't try things and that I was

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Speaker 2: so like I just felt like handcuffed to everything that

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Speaker 2: I'd always done, like the first two years of the show,

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Speaker 2: like trying to make it exactly as it always was

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Speaker 2: that I didn't like experiment, and it's probably only now

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Speaker 2: that I've been like, Okay, who cares, Like I'm going

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Speaker 2: to try new things? There's no point succeeding at something

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Speaker 2: if I don't actually enjoy the process. This is the

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Speaker 2: thing that all successful people know to be true, and

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Speaker 2: that I've learnt from being around successful people and having

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Speaker 2: the privilege to be around successful people. You cannot win

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Speaker 2: if you don't have some skin in the game. You

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Speaker 2: will not find love, if you never open the door

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Speaker 2: to the possibility of being hurt. You will never be

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Speaker 2: considered at work if you're too scared to put your

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Speaker 2: hand up and say I want that. You will never

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Speaker 2: be recognized for your art if you don't make it,

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Speaker 2: and that means starting from a place that you may

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Speaker 2: not be proud of, and that may make you consider

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Speaker 2: yourself a failure. You know those times when like you've

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Speaker 2: heard a quote so many times before and then it

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Speaker 2: just suddenly takes on like a whole deeper new meaning

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Speaker 2: for you. That that is this quote for me, like

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Speaker 2: you've got to have some skin in the game. That

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Speaker 2: is like how I really am planning to live my

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Speaker 2: life for the next couple of months or hopefully forever.

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Speaker 2: You have to be prepared to fail and to maybe

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Speaker 2: be hurt. Successful people also know that you need to

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Speaker 2: have enough ego to think you can do it, but

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Speaker 2: not too much that you don't think setbacks say anything

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Speaker 2: other than I have more to learn or this is

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Speaker 2: my time. You have to just be stupidly stubborn and

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Speaker 2: delusional about your ideas. I read this fantastic excerpt from

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Speaker 2: the book The Anatomy of a Breakthrough by Adam Adler,

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Speaker 2: where he talks about how the perfect success to failure

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Speaker 2: ratio is around sixteen percent, so one in six times,

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Speaker 2: sixteen percent of the time you will make errors, or

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Speaker 2: you will have to make an error, or you will

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Speaker 2: have to fail in order to find success. And he

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Speaker 2: looks at these case studies, or the researchers looked at

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Speaker 2: these case studies of all these successful people, successful businesses,

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Speaker 2: successful artists, and all of them kind of came back

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Speaker 2: to this failure point. Sixteen percent of the time, one

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Speaker 2: in six times they tried something, they objectively or subjectively

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Speaker 2: they failed. But once you allow that to be the

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Speaker 2: case and you make room for that, that's when your

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Speaker 2: progress actually skyrockets. That is the secret to success. Okay,

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Speaker 2: we're going to talk about some of the other ways

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Speaker 2: that you can reframe and fall in love with failure.

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Speaker 2: After this short break, stay with us, Okay, So I

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Speaker 2: want to give you a few other ways you can

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Speaker 2: allow yourself to fall in love with failure. We've been

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Speaker 2: talking a lot about what successful people do differently and

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Speaker 2: what that teaches us about the relationship we have between

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Speaker 2: failure and thriving, and I want to cite one more

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Speaker 2: study on this topic. It is one of my favorite

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Speaker 2: studies of all time, and if you follow me on

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Speaker 2: Instagram at that psychology podcast for a little plug, you

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Speaker 2: most certainly will have heard of it. I talk about

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Speaker 2: it there like probably more than I should. But it

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Speaker 2: is a study by Angela Duckworth that found that more

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Speaker 2: than anything else, more than IQ, even at times, more

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Speaker 2: than background and how you were raised, the thing that

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Speaker 2: predicts success in people is grit. Grit, the ability to

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Speaker 2: persevere even in tough times, the ability to fail and

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Speaker 2: to push through despite difficulty. This is the thing that

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Speaker 2: she found time and time again bridges the gap between

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Speaker 2: raw talent or limited talent and actually achieving your goals

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Speaker 2: and achieving your dreams. It's a tolerance for failure. It's

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Speaker 2: the ability to greet your teeth and just say, I

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Speaker 2: might have to suffer for this dream, and I might

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Speaker 2: have to be pained by the stream and buy what happens,

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Speaker 2: but I'm going to do it anyway anyways, And that's

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Speaker 2: the superpower. Something to add on to this as well

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Speaker 2: is that not only is failure just a part of

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Speaker 2: the progress and process, sometimes it is, if nothing else,

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Speaker 2: the most efficient way to get ahead, to fail forward.

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Speaker 2: That's like they're saying, right, to fail forward, you will

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Speaker 2: never and I truly believe this, you will never learn

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Speaker 2: faster then you will learn from failing, because the emotional

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Speaker 2: resonance of it is going to mean the lesson is

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Speaker 2: not forgotten.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 2: They find this in experiments on learning and memory. People

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Speaker 2: remember better when a negative experience was attached to a

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Speaker 2: choice versus when they were slowly rewarded towards the right choice.

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Speaker 2: I think it also means when you fail you get

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Speaker 2: to close doors. You'd otherwise just sit staring at and

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Speaker 2: just sit and contemplate for longer than you needed to

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Speaker 2: when the outcome was always going to be the same.

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Speaker 2: You just waited longer to get there personally. I think

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Speaker 2: this is especially the case with love. I'm sure my

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Speaker 2: friends sick of hearing me say this, but I always

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Speaker 2: say to them, like, if you really like someone, don't

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Speaker 2: agonize over whether they like you back or whatever. Like

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Speaker 2: ask them make a move, say like I want to

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Speaker 2: date you, or like I want to be committed, or

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Speaker 2: I want to see you, and you will get your

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Speaker 2: answer really quick, either it's a yes or a no.

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Speaker 2: And if it's a no, then you've just saved yourself,

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Speaker 2: like so much time that you otherwise would have spent

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Speaker 2: worrying about being rejected or worrying about failing. In this

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Speaker 2: relationship scenario. Failure also creates growth because yes, it is

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Speaker 2: a fast delivery system for lessons, but also because through

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Speaker 2: challenge and sometimes through loss, like you gain resilience and

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Speaker 2: you gain new skills. Whenever I fail, I always think

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Speaker 2: to myself, and I always think about bodybuilders actually really

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Speaker 2: buff people, and how they build muscle. They build muscle

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Speaker 2: by breaking their muscle down. Intense exercise actually creates these

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Speaker 2: tiny microscopic damage or tears to the muscle, which the

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Speaker 2: body then fills in and rebuilds to make them stronger.

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Speaker 2: I always think about this, You have to break muscle

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Speaker 2: to build it back. Sometimes you have to experience the

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Speaker 2: unpleasantness of failure to know what went wrong, to know

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Speaker 2: why it probably wasn't the right time, and to come

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Speaker 2: back and to do it better and to build the muscle.

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Speaker 2: Failure is like it is such a gift in that way,

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Speaker 2: like the pain is never for nothing, Like there's always

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Speaker 2: some kind of growth on the other side. So when

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Speaker 2: we take all of these like lessons and learnings from

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Speaker 2: research and like from the lives of people we admire,

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Speaker 2: you start to really see that when you change your

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Speaker 2: relationship to failure, you do become untouchable because the emotional

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Speaker 2: reaction you have to it will no longer slow you down.

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Speaker 2: In fact, it will speed things up because it will

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Speaker 2: fuel you, It will motivate you, it will direct you.

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Speaker 2: How I picture this for all of us is like

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Speaker 2: encountering failure and like genuinely being like, oh my god, yes,

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Speaker 2: and like celebrating it and being like this is amazing.

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Speaker 2: And maybe that's a bit far fetched that we could

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Speaker 2: have such a positive reaction to it. But I like

433
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,639
Speaker 2: to imagine, you know, not getting the grade, not getting

434
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,359
Speaker 2: the job, not getting the time, for your run, not

435
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,639
Speaker 2: getting the progress you wanted, and being like this is

436
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:07,400
Speaker 2: a gold mine for me. This is like a treasure

437
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,560
Speaker 2: of learnings that everyone who's succeeded on their first go

438
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:15,959
Speaker 2: or everyone who didn't try, they don't get this, Like

439
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,520
Speaker 2: they don't get this, these lessons like these are just

440
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,400
Speaker 2: for me. These are just for the people who try

441
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,399
Speaker 2: and fail. No one else gets those.

442
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:23,720
Speaker 1: You know.

443
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:28,119
Speaker 2: I can't speak for you guys, but sometimes as well,

444
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:32,159
Speaker 2: nothing motivates me more than being told I can't do things,

445
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:36,160
Speaker 2: or not being successful the first time around and having

446
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,200
Speaker 2: to prove it to myself or maybe to others. It's

447
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,199
Speaker 2: we know that this has a name. It's called the

448
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:45,320
Speaker 2: underdog effect or the rebellion theory. You'll need to prove

449
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 2: yourself or others or your failures wrong. Actually has such

450
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:54,120
Speaker 2: a deeply motivational power that can at times be stronger

451
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,600
Speaker 2: than just your own initial urge to want something like

452
00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,439
Speaker 2: I have to prove this wrong. This rebellion ee is

453
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,679
Speaker 2: like whether it's spite, whether it's ego or whatever it is,

454
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,439
Speaker 2: whether it's pride, it drives you and it forces you

455
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,440
Speaker 2: to get back on the horse. So to finish this episode,

456
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 2: I'm going to give you some rapid fire tips to

457
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,400
Speaker 2: kind of ritualize failure in your life and therefore fall

458
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,679
Speaker 2: in love with it, to practice it like you want

459
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:24,480
Speaker 2: a craft or a skill. Firstly, I'm going to challenge

460
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,200
Speaker 2: you to just start when you don't yet know whether

461
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:32,119
Speaker 2: things will be perfect. Start without all the information. Whether

462
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,359
Speaker 2: it's an essay, an assignment, whether it's applying for a

463
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 2: job you don't quite know you're qualified for, whether it's

464
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,640
Speaker 2: asking someone on a date. This might be hard if

465
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,120
Speaker 2: you're a perfectionist, But the biggest hurdle I think we

466
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:47,720
Speaker 2: actually need to get over is the first hurdle. Whenever

467
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 2: we want to do something, The first hurdle is the

468
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:54,280
Speaker 2: hardest of just being like I'm going to act, I'm

469
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:55,920
Speaker 2: going to stop thinking about it, and I'm going to

470
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,800
Speaker 2: do something. Getting over that initial fear that stops the impulse.

471
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 2: I like to use the five minute principle. This basically

472
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:05,840
Speaker 2: says you can do a lot of things in five

473
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,360
Speaker 2: minutes and four five minutes. So whatever it is, why

474
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 2: not just try for five minutes and see how you feel.

475
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 2: Try and start to write that book. Just through five

476
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,960
Speaker 2: minutes of writing, five minutes of painting, five minutes of

477
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,800
Speaker 2: this job application, five minutes of the essay, and you'll

478
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 2: actually notice that you end up having a lot of momentum.

479
00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 2: And you know how much you thought this was going

480
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,239
Speaker 2: to be difficult. You thought that this task was going

481
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:34,560
Speaker 2: to be hard or burdensome. It's actually not, and you'll

482
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 2: actually find a lot of joy in doing it. And

483
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 2: it probably felt like a lot of work, but you

484
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:43,360
Speaker 2: know the work was actually just what your mind is

485
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 2: created to stop you from trying the first Like the

486
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:49,239
Speaker 2: five minute principle is so fantastic for getting over like

487
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:53,640
Speaker 2: the initial stagnation or the initial the initial fears that

488
00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:57,680
Speaker 2: kind of hold you back from doing I also say

489
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,560
Speaker 2: once a month, be a beginner. Just do something that

490
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,280
Speaker 2: you've never done before and be terrible at it. I

491
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,280
Speaker 2: was doing this a lot last year with like pottery,

492
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:08,120
Speaker 2: I was doing I don't know what I was thinking,

493
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:11,880
Speaker 2: but I was in this like intermedient class and I

494
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:16,480
Speaker 2: was terrible. I also was the person who had the

495
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:19,280
Speaker 2: most fun, Like I can objectively say I was having

496
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,920
Speaker 2: the most fun because I didn't care, Like I didn't

497
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,640
Speaker 2: care if this was like it's just sometimes the best

498
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,960
Speaker 2: feeling being the worst at something because the only way

499
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 2: you can go is up, and you just get to

500
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,840
Speaker 2: like hang out in this place of experimentation, and you're

501
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:38,000
Speaker 2: gonna hang out in this place of just being completely

502
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 2: excited by what there is to learn. I'd also ask

503
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,200
Speaker 2: you to be reflective and just to look back at

504
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,160
Speaker 2: times that you've failed in the past to see how

505
00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:50,959
Speaker 2: much wiser you have become because of it. You know,

506
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 2: some of the ways I've failed is like I didn't

507
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:55,680
Speaker 2: I've talked about this before, Like, you know, I applied

508
00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:57,800
Speaker 2: for all these internships and jobs when I was first

509
00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 2: leaving university, and I didn't get like a single one,

510
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:04,640
Speaker 2: and I had to come back the year afterwards and

511
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:07,600
Speaker 2: apply again, and you know, luckily I got one offer.

512
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 2: That first year felt like a failure. I came back

513
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 2: and I was and I was doing better the second time,

514
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:15,960
Speaker 2: at least, you know, I had a job by that

515
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:19,360
Speaker 2: stage as well. Like so many failures that it's almost

516
00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:21,600
Speaker 2: hard for me to even call them out as failures

517
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:25,120
Speaker 2: because they've just been integrated into my life as lessons.

518
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:29,760
Speaker 2: Like obviously, I did my half marathon a couple of

519
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,320
Speaker 2: weeks ago, right, and there was a lot of failure

520
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:35,000
Speaker 2: leading up to that. Runs that I just didn't finish

521
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 2: runs that would like I walked that just felt awful.

522
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,440
Speaker 2: It's hard for me to even see those as failures

523
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,240
Speaker 2: because like they had to happen, I had to get

524
00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:45,760
Speaker 2: them out of the way to get to the good stuff.

525
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,400
Speaker 2: I'd also say, try and have a process for what

526
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:53,480
Speaker 2: you will do or give to yourself after you have failed.

527
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 2: Almost make it like a date night, like the day

528
00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:00,160
Speaker 2: after you realize like, oh my god, maybe I have

529
00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:03,080
Speaker 2: to quit this thing, maybe this will just not work,

530
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 2: maybe this is is a so called failure. Reward yourself.

531
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,520
Speaker 2: Go take yourself out for dinner, get a glass of wine,

532
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:15,360
Speaker 2: get some pasta, bring your journal, and just write down

533
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:19,160
Speaker 2: everything that you learn from that, everything that this moment

534
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:22,640
Speaker 2: has taught you, that it's going to really help you

535
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:25,960
Speaker 2: in the future. And I also want you to be

536
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:30,720
Speaker 2: very diligent and honest with yourself about what was within

537
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 2: your control during this situation and what was outside of

538
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 2: your control, what you can change, what you are responsible for,

539
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:41,240
Speaker 2: and what you are not now in absorbing failure. That

540
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:43,120
Speaker 2: doesn't mean that we need to just be like, well,

541
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 2: this was all my fault. I just need to work harder.

542
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 2: I just didn't have it in me this time. Sometimes

543
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,880
Speaker 2: it is just timing. Sometimes it is just the situation,

544
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,360
Speaker 2: and it is just context, and it is just that

545
00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:59,160
Speaker 2: someone worked harder than you, or someone got to the

546
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,200
Speaker 2: idea before you, or someone had more privileged than you.

547
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:06,680
Speaker 2: It's important to acknowledge those things so that you don't

548
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:09,720
Speaker 2: take the entire burden of a misstep or a missed

549
00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:14,000
Speaker 2: opportunity onto yourself, but also realize and take what can

550
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 2: be changed and make sure that that is the more

551
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:21,480
Speaker 2: important thing. The most important thing is what you choose

552
00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,640
Speaker 2: to do with the circumstances, and also what you can

553
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:28,680
Speaker 2: learn from the previous situations and apply. So acknowledge it,

554
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 2: but don't ling it for too long, and just take

555
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:34,520
Speaker 2: the lessons and remember what I said before. Those lessons

556
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:38,120
Speaker 2: are something that the person who tries, the person who

557
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 2: just like succeeds in their first try, sorry, does not

558
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 2: get this. Is like you are the only one who

559
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 2: gets these lessons. I'd also say, just try and get

560
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:50,040
Speaker 2: more comfortable with sharing failures. I'm so lucky. I have

561
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 2: friends where we do this all the time. We talk

562
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,880
Speaker 2: very openly about the things that didn't go right, and

563
00:33:56,520 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 2: that's honestly just so reassuring sometimes and just so comforting

564
00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:04,560
Speaker 2: to be like, Okay, someone else has been here, and

565
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:10,600
Speaker 2: just remember that if you are going to fail, the

566
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:14,399
Speaker 2: best time to do it is now, especially if you're

567
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,359
Speaker 2: in your twenties. I know most of us are. It

568
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 2: is the psychology of your twenties after all, Like, this

569
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 2: is the failure decade. I really don't think that you're

570
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,319
Speaker 2: actually even an adult until like thirty. This is just

571
00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,560
Speaker 2: like your trial period, right, This is like the probation

572
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:34,520
Speaker 2: period for your job. This is the probation period for

573
00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:37,640
Speaker 2: your adult life. This is just where nothing like you

574
00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:42,279
Speaker 2: can just try and fail and just like completely maybe

575
00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:44,279
Speaker 2: even make it full of yourself hopefully not, but like

576
00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:48,120
Speaker 2: just completely be a beginner. And it won't It won't

577
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:53,240
Speaker 2: do anything other than make things better in the future

578
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 2: because you have learned and will make you a more

579
00:34:56,440 --> 00:35:00,800
Speaker 2: empathetic person, will make you a wiser person, will probably

580
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,800
Speaker 2: make you a more successful person rather than if you

581
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,920
Speaker 2: just sat and waited for everything to be perfect without

582
00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:11,719
Speaker 2: ever actually learning a lesson from your mistakes. I will

583
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:15,120
Speaker 2: also say a quote, a final quote that has been

584
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,360
Speaker 2: resonating with me when we talk about failure, when we

585
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:20,160
Speaker 2: talk about having big dreams for ourselves, which I really

586
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:22,400
Speaker 2: hope you do. I hope you have big dreams for yourself.

587
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,560
Speaker 2: Is a quote from The Alchemist. I recently reread that book.

588
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:28,200
Speaker 2: It's one of my favorite books. I've read it so

589
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:30,840
Speaker 2: many times and it felt like a great time to

590
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:33,680
Speaker 2: reread it. And in the book there's this very famous quote.

591
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:37,080
Speaker 2: When you have a dream, the whole universe conspires to

592
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:40,360
Speaker 2: make it come true. When you really want something, forces

593
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:44,879
Speaker 2: beyond you will conspire to make it happen. I don't

594
00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:48,160
Speaker 2: know if that's true, to be honest, but I've felt it.

595
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:50,719
Speaker 2: I felt what I think is a version of it,

596
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:53,040
Speaker 2: and I think it's something to really hold on to

597
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:57,920
Speaker 2: that wanting something and acting on it is never not

598
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,400
Speaker 2: going to be rewarded in some way or another. People

599
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,560
Speaker 2: love to see people who are working hard. People love

600
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,560
Speaker 2: to be inspired and motivated by people who go after

601
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 2: their dreams. That's you. That's going to be your situation.

602
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 2: Those can be your circumstances where the Universe, God, the Source,

603
00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:18,360
Speaker 2: whatever it is, just the powers that be are conspiring

604
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:21,239
Speaker 2: in your favor because you have put you know, had

605
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:24,319
Speaker 2: some skin in the game. You've put yourself on the

606
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:27,600
Speaker 2: line and said like, I'm willing to sacrifice and learn

607
00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,959
Speaker 2: for what I want. So I think that is all

608
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,839
Speaker 2: we have time for. You. Guys, know, I've been doing

609
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 2: this thing where if you've made it this far in

610
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:41,719
Speaker 2: the episode, hello, welcome, Thank you for listening. I've been

611
00:36:41,719 --> 00:36:44,400
Speaker 2: asking people to leave stories or leave something in the

612
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:48,360
Speaker 2: comments that you know it's just for the people who

613
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,760
Speaker 2: who made it to this point and today, I really

614
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,840
Speaker 2: want to learn from your failures. What has been the

615
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:58,279
Speaker 2: biggest failure in your twenties. I want you to share,

616
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,840
Speaker 2: if you feel comfortable, the details of it below, or

617
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:02,440
Speaker 2: you can be vague about it, just so that we

618
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,799
Speaker 2: can learn from each other, and also so that we

619
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:09,239
Speaker 2: can feel that this is a normalized that this is important,

620
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,399
Speaker 2: particularly if maybe you're in your later twenties or even

621
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 2: not in your twenties at all. What was something that

622
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,120
Speaker 2: you failed at in your early twenties that you're glad

623
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:19,560
Speaker 2: that you did. I really want to I really want

624
00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:21,480
Speaker 2: to know. I want to be able to learn from

625
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,719
Speaker 2: that make it feel more normal and just like a

626
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:28,240
Speaker 2: completely natural part of growth. But I appreciate you listening

627
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,800
Speaker 2: as far as you have. If you are not already,

628
00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,440
Speaker 2: make sure you are following us wherever you are listening

629
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:37,040
Speaker 2: to the show right now on Spotify, on Apple Podcasts,

630
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:40,359
Speaker 2: on the iHeartRadio app. We have December Guest Month coming

631
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,080
Speaker 2: up in a couple of weeks, No, in like a month,

632
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 2: not a couple of weeks, several weeks, and I want

633
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:47,400
Speaker 2: you to be around for that, because, oh my gosh,

634
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,920
Speaker 2: we have some insane guests this year. I just finished

635
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:53,920
Speaker 2: recording with one of them earlier and the conversation went

636
00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:56,040
Speaker 2: for over two hours. Don't know how I'm gonna cut

637
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:58,799
Speaker 2: it down, but make sure that you were around for

638
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:03,080
Speaker 2: that exciting chapter each year. I love doing our guest series,

639
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 2: so I can't wait for you guys to hear it,

640
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:07,400
Speaker 2: and that you're following us on Instagram as well at

641
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:10,440
Speaker 2: that Psychology podcast. We also have a YouTube and we

642
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:15,160
Speaker 2: have an Instagram. No, I already said that. We have

643
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:17,680
Speaker 2: a YouTube, and we have a substack. If you want

644
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,759
Speaker 2: the transcript to the episodes, including this episode right here,

645
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,200
Speaker 2: you can follow us there. It's obviously completely free. But

646
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:28,920
Speaker 2: until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, embrace, celebrate,

647
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:32,759
Speaker 2: fall in love with failure, and we will talk very

648
00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:33,279
Speaker 2: very soon