Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break
Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. This topic today is
Speaker 1: devoted to all of my overachievers, all of my former
Speaker 1: golden children, gifted children, perfectionists, the people who have grown
Speaker 1: up with the idea instilled in them that they needed
Speaker 1: to be the best, they needed to be doing the
Speaker 1: most to have value, to be worth something. Today, we
Speaker 1: are going to break down the paradox, the curse of
Speaker 1: being an overachiever, particularly in our twenties, and all of
Speaker 1: the pressure, the burnout, the anxiety that comes with it,
Speaker 1: kind of with the hope that we can release ourselves
Speaker 1: from the expectations we have internalized that are holding us
Speaker 1: back from actually being happy, from pursuing the kind of
Speaker 1: life that we want in a balanced and healthy fashion. We,
Speaker 1: of course, are also going to explore all of the psychology,
Speaker 1: the family dynamics, the early childhood experiences that have made
Speaker 1: us into the person that we are today and navigating.
Speaker 1: I think that identity crisis that I think we all
Speaker 1: naturally experience as we age and we mature, and we
Speaker 1: realize that perhaps this version of us, this overachieving version
Speaker 1: of us, is not really who we want to be.
Speaker 1: We cannot live up the golden child expectation. I think
Speaker 1: growing up, many of us who were labeled as quote
Speaker 1: unquote gifted or smart or mature for our age, were
Speaker 1: very much encouraged, if not pressured, to excel, not just
Speaker 1: by our parents or close family, although they are a
Speaker 1: huge contributor, but also by a society in general and
Speaker 1: our broader schooling and education system that placed so much
Speaker 1: value on success and tangible accomplishment. This value, this norm
Speaker 1: is so profound and impactful that I think it actually
Speaker 1: becomes part of who we are. We were the ones
Speaker 1: who had to get an A on every test, who
Speaker 1: won every school award, We volunteered whilst playing three sports,
Speaker 1: working a part time job, doing extra credit constantly, you know,
Speaker 1: seeking the validation and the praise from our teachers and
Speaker 1: our peers and our families. I think from the outside,
Speaker 1: that gives off the image that we have it all together,
Speaker 1: and maybe we even enjoy the sense of accomplishment and
Speaker 1: pride that comes with it, even if we know what
Speaker 1: it's costing us. But a very common experience is reaching
Speaker 1: your twenties and kind of hitting a point of burnout
Speaker 1: where you just simply cannot be that person anymore. If
Speaker 1: you grew up always being an overachiever, it's a pretty
Speaker 1: rude awakening to reach adulthood or university or post grad
Speaker 1: life and come across challenges that you cannot overcome by
Speaker 1: simply working harder. You no longer have the mental energy
Speaker 1: to be this version of yourself. Or a big one,
Speaker 1: A huge one is encountering people who are naturally just
Speaker 1: smarter than you, or more creative or more talented, and
Speaker 1: you experience and it's somewhat of an identity crisis. You know,
Speaker 1: we are no longer this exceptional, gifted child. And if
Speaker 1: you are not the gifted child, the golden child, who
Speaker 1: are we? Who are we? Really? So we're going to
Speaker 1: explore this transition today and all that comes with it.
Speaker 1: I think being an overachiever basically means you are someone
Speaker 1: who continually performs beyond what is expected or to a
Speaker 1: really high level. That is often applied to academic success,
Speaker 1: but it relates to things like athletic or sporting ability,
Speaker 1: our creativity, our entrepreneurship, how many things we can seemingly
Speaker 1: manage to juggle at the same time. There are some
Speaker 1: pretty clear indicators of what an overachiever looks like, and
Speaker 1: although there is not one definition, I think psychologists often
Speaker 1: identify these types of people as individuals who focus on success,
Speaker 1: haveing a a diction or an obsession with success. But
Speaker 1: regardless of how much they achieve, they are never satisfied,
Speaker 1: They never feel like they deserve what they have, or
Speaker 1: they fail to see their own accomplishments and achievements from
Speaker 1: an objective perspective. When we think about it that way,
Speaker 1: overachievers are also typically perfectionists. These two personality traits come
Speaker 1: hand in hand, and they do a lot of impressive
Speaker 1: things at a high level. They are constantly challenging themselves
Speaker 1: with new projects, but they simultaneously engage in a lot
Speaker 1: of excessive self criticism. They have a tendency to brate
Speaker 1: themselves for failing to live up to their own high expectations,
Speaker 1: they have poor work or study life balance. They are
Speaker 1: only ever focused on the future. That is a critical
Speaker 1: component of being an overachiever. And more importantly, they are
Speaker 1: motivated by fear. Fear of failure, fear of regret, fear
Speaker 1: of embarrassment, fear of disappointing others, or maybe not living
Speaker 1: up to your potential. Maybe the person I'm describing is you.
Speaker 1: You recognize yourself in that description. It's probably something that
Speaker 1: you have slowly come to realize. But I think the
Speaker 1: curse or the paradox of being an overachiever is that
Speaker 1: because society typically rewards and praises people who work hard,
Speaker 1: who stretch themselves too thin, we think that our behavior,
Speaker 1: our overachieving tendencies, they can't possibly be bad, right, You know,
Speaker 1: this can't be harmful if we are excelling and we're
Speaker 1: also getting praised for it. But this compulsion to push
Speaker 1: ourselves to our limits is really dangerous, and I don't
Speaker 1: think that it's part of a longer term equation for happiness.
Speaker 1: There was such a fascinating article published on this a
Speaker 1: few years back, so in the study Conductor in twenty nineteen,
Speaker 1: these researchers surveyed over one thousand people who were earning
Speaker 1: over two hundred thousand dollars, who had obtained some form
Speaker 1: of post graduation education a master's, a diploma, a PhD,
Speaker 1: and they also self identified as overachievers. They then asked
Speaker 1: these people three questions. Are you unhappy? Do you believe
Speaker 1: that achieving more will make you happy? Does the success
Speaker 1: of other people make you jealous? Or increase your level
Speaker 1: of unhappiness? Over half of these people answered yes to
Speaker 1: all of those questions. We think that tangible success and
Speaker 1: working really hard is going to make us happy, is
Speaker 1: going to create a fulfilling life. But actually what we're
Speaker 1: seeing is what these researchers called the superstar paradox, whereby
Speaker 1: the people who seemingly have it all are objectively really
Speaker 1: unhappy at times. I also see this a lot with
Speaker 1: people who work really high paying jobs straight out of university,
Speaker 1: like investment banking and such, and they always say, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna work really hard until I'm thirty five and
Speaker 1: then I'll have enough money to retire. Or I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna work three jobs, all of these hours as all
Speaker 1: of this year, for as long as I can so
Speaker 1: that then next year I can rest, and rarely does
Speaker 1: that actually happen normally. When we get stuck in this
Speaker 1: cycle of overachieving, we're working towards creating our dream life,
Speaker 1: but we're never actually giving ourselves time to enjoy the
Speaker 1: life that we have now or enjoy that dream. So
Speaker 1: what makes us overachievers? How do we become these people? Oftentimes?
Speaker 1: I think with most things that cause stress or disorder
Speaker 1: or discomfort in adulthood, the original roots are in childhood.
Speaker 1: More times than not, this is the case, and I
Speaker 1: think that is the case here. It's likely that being
Speaker 1: able to work really hard, to push yourself has helped
Speaker 1: you get to where you are today. Maybe you have
Speaker 1: developed it as a defensive or protective mechanism, and you
Speaker 1: have derived a lot of these expectations from your parents,
Speaker 1: from your family, from your culture, from your environment. I
Speaker 1: see this a lot with people who are labeled as
Speaker 1: gifted children when they were younger. At some stage, someone
Speaker 1: has noticed or decided that you were above average intelligence
Speaker 1: or you had more natural abilities than the average person,
Speaker 1: and that they decided you are going to do amazing things,
Speaker 1: that you are going to be exceptional, and they begin
Speaker 1: to treat you differently they expect more from you. You
Speaker 1: get put an accelerated classes, you get harder assignments, you
Speaker 1: skip a few years at school. Everything has to be better.
Speaker 1: You always have to give more. When that occurs, you
Speaker 1: are not actually getting the chance to be a kid,
Speaker 1: to just be a kid, because you've been deemed mature
Speaker 1: for your age, so you're required to grow up faster
Speaker 1: than those around you and take on additional expectations, responsibilities, burdens.
Speaker 1: I absolutely despise the term gifted child when it's used
Speaker 1: out of context because a I think, I know it
Speaker 1: sounds cheesy, but every child, every person is gifted. They
Speaker 1: might not just show it in an academic context or
Speaker 1: a school environment and be it's quite exclusive. It may
Speaker 1: prevent some kids from actually getting the support they need
Speaker 1: because they aren't term just gifted. And see, when you
Speaker 1: label a child this, you don't let them figure out
Speaker 1: their own identity. You don't allow them to be anything
Speaker 1: but what you have expected them to be. And part
Speaker 1: of that is an expectation of accomplishment and success and accolades.
Speaker 1: Not everyone wants that. The older they get kids, as
Speaker 1: they become adolescents and then adults should be able to
Speaker 1: independently determine what they want from their life, and a
Speaker 1: label that comes with that expectation might not give them
Speaker 1: that opportunity, and there's been research on this. One of
Speaker 1: the most exciting pieces of research around this was eight
Speaker 1: decade long study eighty years conducted at Stanford University starting
Speaker 1: back before World War One, and what they did was
Speaker 1: they followed children who were very bright as kids for
Speaker 1: their entire lives, observing them every three years, and they
Speaker 1: identified this phenomenon known as early ripe early rot. The
Speaker 1: researchers expected these formerly gifted kids to be happier, to
Speaker 1: be making more money, to be successful, to be fulfilled,
Speaker 1: and that was the case sometimes, but beyond the tangible success,
Speaker 1: many of the individuals that they watched actually faced significantly
Speaker 1: more emotional problems as they grew up. They reported that
Speaker 1: their self concept was really excessively based on being intelligent,
Speaker 1: so they were really never given a chance to see
Speaker 1: who they were. Beyond that, they experienced a lot of
Speaker 1: self doubt. They felt like they that their life path
Speaker 1: was kind of determined for them. And I think often
Speaker 1: when we prioritize tangible success over the smaller joys in
Speaker 1: our lives, we miss out on the things that actually
Speaker 1: bring beauty. We don't see our friends, we don't travel,
Speaker 1: we don't take time to rest, we don't invest in
Speaker 1: our relationships. It's really similar to what psychologists call golden
Speaker 1: child syndrome. So a golden child is someone who is
Speaker 1: considered special by their family and chosen as kind of
Speaker 1: like a proxy for their parents' own achievements. Unfortunately, this
Speaker 1: child must live up to perhaps unattainable levels of perfection
Speaker 1: because they constantly need to satisfy their parents, or in
Speaker 1: some case they kind of act as like a symbolic
Speaker 1: trophy for their parents to show off and so that
Speaker 1: they can kind of point to their child and say, look,
Speaker 1: we raised them, so we must be doing something right.
Speaker 1: They wouldn't be that smart, that talented if we weren't
Speaker 1: also smart and talented. So unsurprisingly, at that level, most
Speaker 1: psychologists suggest that one or both of the parents is
Speaker 1: probably narcissistic on some level. Maybe they're even experiencing parentification,
Speaker 1: whereby the role of the parent and the child is reversed.
Speaker 1: You have to support your parents emotionally by validating them
Speaker 1: through your accomplishments, but after a while, those standards that
Speaker 1: your parents have kind of forced on you, become self imposed.
Speaker 1: They begin to really matter to you because you've been
Speaker 1: exposed to them enough. They've become repetitive. So no longer
Speaker 1: is it I have to practice for five hours otherwise
Speaker 1: my parents will be disappointed. Soon it becomes what we
Speaker 1: call introjected motivation. I have to work hard otherwise I
Speaker 1: will feel guilty. Even when my parents my family is
Speaker 1: not around, even when no one is telling me to
Speaker 1: be this version of myself. I have been indoctrinated into
Speaker 1: this ideology of success. That is how an overachiever emerges.
Speaker 1: This is super common within eldest children in particular. I
Speaker 1: think because so much family pressure gets placed on them
Speaker 1: to set the standard for younger siblings, they feel more
Speaker 1: of a responsibility to maybe support the family, to keep
Speaker 1: the family going. We could honestly get into a whole
Speaker 1: separate episode on what it means to be the eldest
Speaker 1: daughter specifically, but oh my god, that is a whole
Speaker 1: other psychological profile to dissect. We do not have time.
Speaker 1: But I also think that being an overachiever may have
Speaker 1: become somewhat of a survival tool for a lot of
Speaker 1: us when we were younger. There are three specific reasons
Speaker 1: for that. Firstly, your academic, sporting, musical accomplishments whatever they were,
Speaker 1: they allowed you to please the people around you, and
Speaker 1: they were essentially a protective mechanism against anger or disappointment.
Speaker 1: If you were this perfect child, no one could find
Speaker 1: fault with you, and you were safe. Secondly, being an
Speaker 1: overachieverer may have enabled you to survive in a social
Speaker 1: environment where you felt left out. If you worked hard enough,
Speaker 1: you could leave your hometown. You could get as far
Speaker 1: away as possible from the people you grew up with
Speaker 1: or you went to school with. You could leave this
Speaker 1: kind of life that made you unhappy. It may also
Speaker 1: be that you used work and achievement and grades, whatever
Speaker 1: it was, as a proxy for self worth and self esteem.
Speaker 1: For many of us, I think our over achievement at
Speaker 1: the end of the day stems from feelings of insecurity
Speaker 1: and inadequacy. Maybe you didn't feel great in your own skin.
Speaker 1: You weren't the funniest person, or the most attractive, all
Speaker 1: the most popular, or the most creative, but you could
Speaker 1: be the most hard working. Therefore, we begin to conflate
Speaker 1: our self worth, our self concept, how we feel about
Speaker 1: ourselves with external validation. We need that buzz of being
Speaker 1: told that we've done well. We need to receive praise
Speaker 1: or rewards. We want to be that person, that version
Speaker 1: of us who quote unquote does it all. So to
Speaker 1: give up being an overachiever, to give up working yourself
Speaker 1: to exhaustion, you would have to give up a really
Speaker 1: core element and foundation of your identity. You know, you
Speaker 1: do not know who you are without your accomplishments. I
Speaker 1: think this makes a lot of sense as well in
Speaker 1: the kind of society we're living in today, where we
Speaker 1: really do expect everyone to be exceptional and accomplished, and
Speaker 1: there is such a high degree of competition to get
Speaker 1: into university or to get that internship or that dream job.
Speaker 1: There's just also a general fascination with hustle culture, with success,
Speaker 1: with being a millionaire, with productivity. So in those situations
Speaker 1: it may be why despite feeling really exhausted, really burnt out,
Speaker 1: we continue to grind away, we continue to just keep working.
Speaker 1: One of the final reasons that is really significant is
Speaker 1: that we overwork ourselves as a distraction for the other
Speaker 1: things that we're dealing with. For example, I remember when
Speaker 1: I experienced like heartbreak for the first time. I worked
Speaker 1: so much harder in my classes. I studied more than
Speaker 1: I ever had before. I just like took on so
Speaker 1: many different responsibilities. And this pattern of behavior was actually
Speaker 1: a reaction to that deeper emotional distress and discomfort, where
Speaker 1: if I buried myself in work, it would mean that
Speaker 1: I never had to give myself time to really think
Speaker 1: about how I was feeling, you know, out of sight,
Speaker 1: out of mind, right, So you exhaust yourself with a
Speaker 1: million commitments and goals and projects so that you don't
Speaker 1: have to see what you're really needing to deal with
Speaker 1: in those moments at the end of the day. Focusing
Speaker 1: on achievement, working yourself to the point of burnout again
Speaker 1: and again for whatever reason, is a type of obsessive behavior.
Speaker 1: And obsessive behaviors are rarely what they seem at the
Speaker 1: surface level. Normally, they stem from needing control, needing a
Speaker 1: sense of safety or security, or to feel better about ourselves.
Speaker 1: So I think we know that, but a lot of
Speaker 1: people might make the argument that being an overachiever isn't
Speaker 1: the worst thing in the world. It probably isn't, you know.
Speaker 1: There are so many other things that do sit heavy
Speaker 1: on our mind, and I actually posted a video about
Speaker 1: this the other day and someone commented being like, you
Speaker 1: only hate on overachievers because you could never do what
Speaker 1: they do, Like you're a failure, so you're just jealous,
Speaker 1: And I was like, you know, firstly, ouch unnecessary, but secondly,
Speaker 1: that is not the point. You can still admire the
Speaker 1: things that you have been able to achieve whilst realizing
Speaker 1: that maybe you didn't need to push yourself to the
Speaker 1: point of needing to achieve that much. You know. The
Speaker 1: point here is these people may have everything that they
Speaker 1: have wanted. Everyone might think that they are super impressive
Speaker 1: and incredible, but are they really happy? What's the cost? Here?
Speaker 1: We are going to discuss all of that and more,
Speaker 1: also including how to heal that former gifted child version
Speaker 1: of yourself after this shortbreak. Being an overachiever is kind
Speaker 1: of like a drug because, despite how destructive it is,
Speaker 1: you will undoubtedly receive praise. You will be rewarded for
Speaker 1: doing things that others cannot do or aren't capable of doing,
Speaker 1: and that that admiration is something that we can't help
Speaker 1: but live for. It feels really nice to be recognized
Speaker 1: and celebrated, so there's no question that accomplishment brings a
Speaker 1: source of energy, it brings a source of strength. It's
Speaker 1: important to feel like, yes, I can do this thing,
Speaker 1: Yes I have worth, Yes I can bring something to
Speaker 1: the table. But the thing is, as overachievers, or as
Speaker 1: recovering overachievers, you're not actually gaining anything from your accomplishments
Speaker 1: other than a sense that you'll need to work harder
Speaker 1: for the next For the average person, achieving something gives
Speaker 1: them a sense of pride, It gives them a confidence boost,
Speaker 1: might even allow them to relax for a little bit,
Speaker 1: give themselves a pad on a back for a job
Speaker 1: well done. That reaction does not exist in overachievers, whereby
Speaker 1: our successes do not serve to reinforce our sense of
Speaker 1: self worth or feel comfort in the fact that we
Speaker 1: are doing a good job. They just create more self doubt,
Speaker 1: whereby we constantly need to be one up being ourselves,
Speaker 1: or once we've finished maybe a huge project or a
Speaker 1: huge goal that's taken us months, we feel guilty for
Speaker 1: giving ourselves time to rest because that feels like time
Speaker 1: I'm wasted. This really relates a whole lot to imposter syndrome,
Speaker 1: the constant sense of doubt about your skills, about your intellect,
Speaker 1: about your accomplishments, no matter how much you achieve or
Speaker 1: how much others tell you differently. Imposter syndrome is, to
Speaker 1: be honest, something I've personally struggled with for many years.
Speaker 1: I continue to struggle with it. I don't really have
Speaker 1: the solutions for you, but when I looked into the
Speaker 1: relationship or the correlation between imposter syndrome and overachieving, they
Speaker 1: are so intimately and closely related. Imposter syndrome is rarely,
Speaker 1: if not ever, seen in people who are underachievers. It's
Speaker 1: reserved for those who put a lot of pressure on themselves.
Speaker 1: When we are in that kind of place of innate
Speaker 1: self doubt, often we experience what this author, her name
Speaker 1: is Claire Joseph. She wrote this book called Teaching Imposter Syndrome.
Speaker 1: She has this theory known as the four peas of
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome, perfectionism, people, pleasing, paralysis, and procrastination. The chances are,
Speaker 1: if you're struggling with the need to overachieve, or you're
Speaker 1: wrangling kind of your past life as a gifted or
Speaker 1: golden child, you are experiencing some combination of these things.
Speaker 1: Perfectionism obviously being a huge one. Not being able to
Speaker 1: be satisfied with anything unless it's the best, unless it's perfect,
Speaker 1: including in some ways your life, and always wanting or
Speaker 1: working for more. There's another consequence that we need to
Speaker 1: talk about here, and it feels so obvious, maybe it's
Speaker 1: not even worth mentioning, but I do think that it's
Speaker 1: an important part of this equation, and that is burnout.
Speaker 1: Burnout is a state of complete mental, emotional, physical, social
Speaker 1: exhaustion that occurs when you have been pushing yourself beyond
Speaker 1: your limits for far too long. It leaves us more
Speaker 1: susceptible to getting ill, to withdrawal and isolation, despair and
Speaker 1: just feeling detached. And it's so common these days, and
Speaker 1: obviously naturally comes about during really stressful periods, like if
Speaker 1: you've just done all of your exams or you're in
Speaker 1: a particular busy time at work. Sometimes we do reach
Speaker 1: a point of burnout, but overachievers have been pushing themselves
Speaker 1: for years, so it becomes chronic. And the real challenge
Speaker 1: is that burnout creates a really dangerous cycle because when
Speaker 1: you can no longer perform at the level that you've
Speaker 1: expected from yourself, you push yourself harder, leading to further exhaustion,
Speaker 1: leading to further self doubt, and then further attempts to
Speaker 1: repair your self esteem by working harder again, burnout occurs.
Speaker 1: It's this whole It's a mental trap, and it's why
Speaker 1: I think a lot of overachievers leave high school or
Speaker 1: university and just feel completely lost because they are completely exhausted.
Speaker 1: I think the biggest delusion that we try and tell
Speaker 1: ourselves is that we can cure our burnout by just
Speaker 1: taking a day or an afternoon off. This study conducted
Speaker 1: a few years back, it was published in the Journal
Speaker 1: of Applied Health, Psychology and well Being. It found that
Speaker 1: it actually takes about three months to fully recover from burnout.
Speaker 1: Three months. Now, think how long it's going to take
Speaker 1: you if you've been in a constant cycle of burnout.
Speaker 1: I always say this, but if you don't give your
Speaker 1: body a break, your body is going to take a
Speaker 1: break for you, and it is going to be at
Speaker 1: the most inconvenient time. I'm going to out myself here
Speaker 1: and say this happened to me like a few months ago,
Speaker 1: maybe about a month back, where I was just so drained,
Speaker 1: I had the most intense brain fog, I couldn't concentrate
Speaker 1: for more than ten minutes, and then of course I
Speaker 1: got sick. I got sick for about two weeks. And
Speaker 1: I think every time that happens, in hindsight, I can
Speaker 1: see the pattern of behaviors that have led me to
Speaker 1: that point. So I think all of these examples of
Speaker 1: the consequences that we face from being overachievers are important
Speaker 1: because I think for everyone there comes a day when
Speaker 1: we start to question our identity as this version of ourselves.
Speaker 1: We start to wonder, is this actually who I am?
Speaker 1: Is this actually healthy? Do I want to be this
Speaker 1: gifted child and constantly live up to people's expectations for
Speaker 1: the rest of my life? And I think there are
Speaker 1: a few common experiences that almost act as triggers for
Speaker 1: us to realize that maybe our work ethic isn't sustainable,
Speaker 1: isn't as sustainable as we had thought, or maybe that
Speaker 1: we aren't as exceptional we as we've been made to
Speaker 1: feel so. Firstly, encountering people who are better than you,
Speaker 1: who outperform you no matter how hard you try, and
Speaker 1: beginning to question, you know, am I actually special? What
Speaker 1: has this all been for? Secondly, of course, is experiencing burnout,
Speaker 1: our injury, illness, severe mental exhaustion. Thirdly, is failing at
Speaker 1: something that you've tried really hard at. I relate to this.
Speaker 1: I remember the first time I had to sit exams
Speaker 1: at university after like coming from a public school where
Speaker 1: most people weren't too focused on academics, so it was
Speaker 1: very easy to do well in that environment. And then
Speaker 1: suddenly I was in an environment of all the kids
Speaker 1: that were the best in their schools, and I just
Speaker 1: was like absolutely floundering. I had this huge sense of, oh,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not actually smart, maybe I shouldn't be here.
Speaker 1: And I think the final trigger is having somewhat of
Speaker 1: an existential crisis about what you want from life and
Speaker 1: realizing that accomplishment is no longer making you happy. All
Speaker 1: of these create an identity crisis. So an identity crisis
Speaker 1: according to Erickson, he's a very famous psychologist. He pioneered
Speaker 1: a lot of the research on this. It occurs when
Speaker 1: an event a situation makes you reevaluate who you are,
Speaker 1: and part of this reevaluation is contemplating what actually makes
Speaker 1: you happy. What is your conception of a happy and
Speaker 1: a fulfilled life, what are your sources of motivation. What
Speaker 1: are you doing all of this for all these hours,
Speaker 1: all these sacrifices. Is it for personal satisfaction and growth?
Speaker 1: Or is it another element that wants to impress others
Speaker 1: or appears your family, or another element of you that
Speaker 1: doesn't understand that your worth is beyond your output. I
Speaker 1: think I'm going to go back to that need to
Speaker 1: impress people, because I think our need to use our
Speaker 1: business and our productivity is kind of like a marker
Speaker 1: of our worth is huge. I used to see this
Speaker 1: in my old workplace all the time, where no one
Speaker 1: wanted to be the first person to leave. Everyone would
Speaker 1: stay back past five even if they had like no
Speaker 1: work to do, just to prove that they had a
Speaker 1: good work ethic, just to prove that they were a
Speaker 1: hard worker. Another way this shows up is like bearing
Speaker 1: yourself in projects and never ending to do lists. This
Speaker 1: is not sustainable. So how do we recover from being
Speaker 1: former overachievers? How do we reframe our relationship with success,
Speaker 1: with productivity, with our value. Firstly, you need to have
Speaker 1: some compassion for this past version of yourself and acknowledge
Speaker 1: why you are this way. Sometimes I see this all
Speaker 1: the time when we identify things we don't like, you know,
Speaker 1: about ourselves. When we identify old habits or ways of being,
Speaker 1: we try and criticize ourselves out of it. We turn
Speaker 1: to like self hatred or shame. I don't think there's
Speaker 1: any room for that here. You've already really put yourself
Speaker 1: through enough. Take some time to think back to your
Speaker 1: childhood or teenage self and just say to them, you
Speaker 1: didn't have to work that hard. You never had to
Speaker 1: be the best for me to still love you. You know.
Speaker 1: I'm such a huge proponent of inner child healing, and
Speaker 1: a big part of that is realizing and appreciating the
Speaker 1: environment and the factors that have made you who you
Speaker 1: are right now. Overachievement and all, you were not in control.
Speaker 1: You did not have a say, You did not get
Speaker 1: to decide what kind of values were imposed on you.
Speaker 1: So I think part of that maybe by starting to
Speaker 1: realize the relationship that your parents had with success, or
Speaker 1: the position they put you in as a proxy for
Speaker 1: their accomplishment, or how you have conflated your value, you
Speaker 1: would tangible achievement. You have an opportunity now to be
Speaker 1: in charge. You are the parent now, even if your
Speaker 1: parents are still alive and around and well, you are
Speaker 1: now the most important adult in your life, so you
Speaker 1: get to decide how you would like your future to be.
Speaker 1: But in order to undo some of those past beliefs,
Speaker 1: you do have to be nice to yourself to begin with.
Speaker 1: Part of showing yourself that compassion is, of course, giving
Speaker 1: yourself time to rest. I know this sounds common sense,
Speaker 1: but I also know that it can be really difficult
Speaker 1: when you haven't done that for a long time. There
Speaker 1: is such an intense guilt that we sometimes associate with
Speaker 1: taking a break, especially if you've been on the overachieving
Speaker 1: path for a while. For you, taking a break, taking
Speaker 1: a day off in your mind is associated with choosing
Speaker 1: to be lazy, or with the stress of deadlines that
Speaker 1: keep piling up. But if you take time to rest,
Speaker 1: you will work more efficiently. If you properly restore your
Speaker 1: cognitive functioning by letting yourself switch off, your body and
Speaker 1: mind is better able to operate. You have to remember
Speaker 1: like your brain is one of your most important possessions.
Speaker 1: It is priceless. You would not walk around with like
Speaker 1: a smashed phone that doesn't work and not get it repaired.
Speaker 1: You would not keep driving a car that only had
Speaker 1: two wheels and a faulty engine. You know that is dangerous,
Speaker 1: so you shouldn't let yourself continue to operate when you
Speaker 1: know that you need rest or repairs. Practical ways to
Speaker 1: do this involves scheduling time off once a week, twice
Speaker 1: a week, once a day, the same way that you
Speaker 1: would schedule things like an appointment or study time, or
Speaker 1: class or work. Make rest an immovable part of your
Speaker 1: schedule like your other obligations, because in all to overcome
Speaker 1: your overachieving tendencies, you need to treat rest and time
Speaker 1: off like an obligation. It needs to be something that
Speaker 1: is important to you. Thirdly, I would say clear your
Speaker 1: schedule and your life of the things that don't actually
Speaker 1: make you happy. You know that volunteer position that you have,
Speaker 1: that extra credit or extra duty you're doing it work,
Speaker 1: that you don't have time for extra classes, side hustles,
Speaker 1: or projects that you aren't really motivated by. Not everything
Speaker 1: can fit into your life at once, and it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that you're quitting. It doesn't mean that you're giving
Speaker 1: up on yourself. It just means that you're actually helping
Speaker 1: yourself by allowing more space to be focused on really
Speaker 1: you know what really matters to you right now by
Speaker 1: actually giving yourself permission to be happy and to have
Speaker 1: free time, recognizing that even if that thing is important
Speaker 1: to you, there will be time for those things in
Speaker 1: the future, and redefine your idea years of success. I
Speaker 1: read this in the Harvard Business Review that some of
Speaker 1: the top kind of regrets of the people of people
Speaker 1: who are dying is living a life that wasn't truly
Speaker 1: for them and secondly, working too hard. If you don't
Speaker 1: question your motivations and definition of success now, you might
Speaker 1: be one of those people. How much more time are
Speaker 1: you going to spend in an everlasting state of burnout
Speaker 1: and dissatisfaction and exhaustion. Some really important prompts for this
Speaker 1: are the following, and answer truthfully. Whether you're driving right now,
Speaker 1: or you're at work, or you're doing laundry, pause and
Speaker 1: just answer these for yourself. What would a good life
Speaker 1: look like for you in twenty years if you could
Speaker 1: only achieve one thing in your life, what would it be.
Speaker 1: If someone asked you for your definition of happiness, what
Speaker 1: would you tell them? And are you living this definition?
Speaker 1: Are you striving towards this definition? What would you want
Speaker 1: to do with your life if there was no one
Speaker 1: watching you. I love these questions because I think it
Speaker 1: turns the attention away from socially imposed ideas of success
Speaker 1: and accomplishment and allows us to actually reflect on what
Speaker 1: we want. It allows us to contemplate life on a
Speaker 1: more holistic, biggest scale, like achievement feels good, but it's
Speaker 1: not everything. Getting good grades is not everything. Life is
Speaker 1: more than how busy you are. Life is more than
Speaker 1: just being the best. Life is more than being the
Speaker 1: last person to leave the office or being someone that
Speaker 1: other people think is impressive. Finally, actually make a big
Speaker 1: deal out of your accomplishments. This relates to what I
Speaker 1: mentioned before, whereby overachievers often undervalue their achievements, and normally
Speaker 1: they just have this tendency to move on to the
Speaker 1: next task, the next project, the next big thing, and
Speaker 1: it kind of feels like a bit of a rat race.
Speaker 1: At that point, it feels never ending. You never actually
Speaker 1: sit down and give yourself credit for your efforts. If
Speaker 1: you've got a big promotion, tell your friends, invite them
Speaker 1: over for a drink. If you got an A on
Speaker 1: your exam, go and buy yourself like an ice cream cake.
Speaker 1: Go and get yourself a little gift. You need to
Speaker 1: make a big deal out of your successes so that
Speaker 1: you don't forget them, so that you don't feel like
Speaker 1: you need to be doing more. And then when the
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome does kind of rear its ugly head, you
Speaker 1: can knock it back and be like, hey, no, I
Speaker 1: remember this really cool thing that I did a few
Speaker 1: months ago. This voice in my head is lying to me. Also,
Speaker 1: talk about your experiences as an overachiever openly. We need
Speaker 1: to be more honest with each other about the pressures
Speaker 1: that we are facing in our twenties. The pressure is
Speaker 1: to be exceptional, and the pressure is to be the best.
Speaker 1: We have something to contribute. And I was speaking about
Speaker 1: this with my friends the other day when I was
Speaker 1: researching this episode. I was like, do you think that
Speaker 1: you know you were a gifted kid? Do you think
Speaker 1: that you had pressure placed on you? Do you think
Speaker 1: that you were told that you were too you know,
Speaker 1: more mature for your age or whatnot? And so many
Speaker 1: of them, almost all of them admitted that they felt
Speaker 1: that way and were able to like kind of explain
Speaker 1: how that had had a bleed on effect in adulthood.
Speaker 1: It was such a Catharsis moment to realize that you
Speaker 1: I am not the only one that doubts our abilities,
Speaker 1: who never feels like they're doing enough, who was scared
Speaker 1: of the future, scared of wasting their potential. It is
Speaker 1: so much more common than we know. Really, it is
Speaker 1: so much more common. I know it's so cliche to
Speaker 1: be like you are not alone, but I think sometimes
Speaker 1: when all we're focused on is our worth and our
Speaker 1: value and how the people see us and living up
Speaker 1: to expectations being the best, we forget that there is
Speaker 1: a whole world out there where this doesn't matter, where
Speaker 1: we are just another person who is allowed to actually
Speaker 1: just enjoy our lives. So I really hope that you
Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. From one former Golden Child, healing, overachiever
Speaker 1: victim of imposter syndrome to another, this topic was such
Speaker 1: an emotional release for me, Like I feel like I
Speaker 1: personally learned so much about what this means and what
Speaker 1: it means to be this kind of person, to have
Speaker 1: this kind of personality, So I hope that you did
Speaker 1: as well. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please
Speaker 1: feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts.
Speaker 1: Spotify wherever you are listening right now. I read them all.
Speaker 1: It really does wear my heart, so thank you so
Speaker 1: much for all the love recently. Make sure that you're
Speaker 1: following along so you're notified when new episodes come out
Speaker 1: and if you have an episode suggestion, just some feedback,
Speaker 1: if you have an opinion on this, if you are
Speaker 1: a formally gifted kid and you have something to share,
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you. Follow me at
Speaker 1: that psychology podcast, shoot me a message. It's so great
Speaker 1: to kind of see that community growing. So thank you
Speaker 1: so much for listening along. As always, we will be
Speaker 1: back next week with another episode.