1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:33,320 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,640 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:41,519 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. This topic today is 9 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:45,880 Speaker 1: devoted to all of my overachievers, all of my former 10 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:52,440 Speaker 1: golden children, gifted children, perfectionists, the people who have grown 11 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,680 Speaker 1: up with the idea instilled in them that they needed 12 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,279 Speaker 1: to be the best, they needed to be doing the 13 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: most to have value, to be worth something. Today, we 14 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:07,480 Speaker 1: are going to break down the paradox, the curse of 15 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:11,880 Speaker 1: being an overachiever, particularly in our twenties, and all of 16 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 1: the pressure, the burnout, the anxiety that comes with it, 17 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,200 Speaker 1: kind of with the hope that we can release ourselves 18 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:22,960 Speaker 1: from the expectations we have internalized that are holding us 19 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:27,000 Speaker 1: back from actually being happy, from pursuing the kind of 20 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,840 Speaker 1: life that we want in a balanced and healthy fashion. We, 21 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 1: of course, are also going to explore all of the psychology, 22 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 1: the family dynamics, the early childhood experiences that have made 23 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 1: us into the person that we are today and navigating. 24 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,400 Speaker 1: I think that identity crisis that I think we all 25 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:50,600 Speaker 1: naturally experience as we age and we mature, and we 26 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 1: realize that perhaps this version of us, this overachieving version 27 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,320 Speaker 1: of us, is not really who we want to be. 28 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:03,200 Speaker 1: We cannot live up the golden child expectation. I think 29 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 1: growing up, many of us who were labeled as quote 30 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 1: unquote gifted or smart or mature for our age, were 31 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:15,920 Speaker 1: very much encouraged, if not pressured, to excel, not just 32 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,920 Speaker 1: by our parents or close family, although they are a 33 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:23,160 Speaker 1: huge contributor, but also by a society in general and 34 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 1: our broader schooling and education system that placed so much 35 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:35,840 Speaker 1: value on success and tangible accomplishment. This value, this norm 36 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 1: is so profound and impactful that I think it actually 37 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 1: becomes part of who we are. We were the ones 38 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: who had to get an A on every test, who 39 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:51,440 Speaker 1: won every school award, We volunteered whilst playing three sports, 40 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:56,840 Speaker 1: working a part time job, doing extra credit constantly, you know, 41 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:01,320 Speaker 1: seeking the validation and the praise from our teachers and 42 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 1: our peers and our families. I think from the outside, 43 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:09,120 Speaker 1: that gives off the image that we have it all together, 44 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: and maybe we even enjoy the sense of accomplishment and 45 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 1: pride that comes with it, even if we know what 46 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:20,360 Speaker 1: it's costing us. But a very common experience is reaching 47 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 1: your twenties and kind of hitting a point of burnout 48 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: where you just simply cannot be that person anymore. If 49 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 1: you grew up always being an overachiever, it's a pretty 50 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:38,520 Speaker 1: rude awakening to reach adulthood or university or post grad 51 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 1: life and come across challenges that you cannot overcome by 52 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,160 Speaker 1: simply working harder. You no longer have the mental energy 53 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:51,080 Speaker 1: to be this version of yourself. Or a big one, 54 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: A huge one is encountering people who are naturally just 55 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 1: smarter than you, or more creative or more talented, and 56 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 1: you experience and it's somewhat of an identity crisis. You know, 57 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: we are no longer this exceptional, gifted child. And if 58 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 1: you are not the gifted child, the golden child, who 59 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: are we? Who are we? Really? So we're going to 60 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,160 Speaker 1: explore this transition today and all that comes with it. 61 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: I think being an overachiever basically means you are someone 62 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:26,760 Speaker 1: who continually performs beyond what is expected or to a 63 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:31,600 Speaker 1: really high level. That is often applied to academic success, 64 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,240 Speaker 1: but it relates to things like athletic or sporting ability, 65 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: our creativity, our entrepreneurship, how many things we can seemingly 66 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: manage to juggle at the same time. There are some 67 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 1: pretty clear indicators of what an overachiever looks like, and 68 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,960 Speaker 1: although there is not one definition, I think psychologists often 69 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: identify these types of people as individuals who focus on success, 70 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,359 Speaker 1: haveing a a diction or an obsession with success. But 71 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:07,240 Speaker 1: regardless of how much they achieve, they are never satisfied, 72 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,800 Speaker 1: They never feel like they deserve what they have, or 73 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:16,240 Speaker 1: they fail to see their own accomplishments and achievements from 74 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: an objective perspective. When we think about it that way, 75 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: overachievers are also typically perfectionists. These two personality traits come 76 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,440 Speaker 1: hand in hand, and they do a lot of impressive 77 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,600 Speaker 1: things at a high level. They are constantly challenging themselves 78 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,200 Speaker 1: with new projects, but they simultaneously engage in a lot 79 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: of excessive self criticism. They have a tendency to brate 80 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 1: themselves for failing to live up to their own high expectations, 81 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 1: they have poor work or study life balance. They are 82 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,960 Speaker 1: only ever focused on the future. That is a critical 83 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 1: component of being an overachiever. And more importantly, they are 84 00:05:56,040 --> 00:06:02,400 Speaker 1: motivated by fear. Fear of failure, fear of regret, fear 85 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:08,960 Speaker 1: of embarrassment, fear of disappointing others, or maybe not living 86 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:13,160 Speaker 1: up to your potential. Maybe the person I'm describing is you. 87 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:17,280 Speaker 1: You recognize yourself in that description. It's probably something that 88 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 1: you have slowly come to realize. But I think the 89 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:25,000 Speaker 1: curse or the paradox of being an overachiever is that 90 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:30,720 Speaker 1: because society typically rewards and praises people who work hard, 91 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,599 Speaker 1: who stretch themselves too thin, we think that our behavior, 92 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:40,359 Speaker 1: our overachieving tendencies, they can't possibly be bad, right, You know, 93 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 1: this can't be harmful if we are excelling and we're 94 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,200 Speaker 1: also getting praised for it. But this compulsion to push 95 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 1: ourselves to our limits is really dangerous, and I don't 96 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 1: think that it's part of a longer term equation for happiness. 97 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,599 Speaker 1: There was such a fascinating article published on this a 98 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:01,200 Speaker 1: few years back, so in the study Conductor in twenty nineteen, 99 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 1: these researchers surveyed over one thousand people who were earning 100 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 1: over two hundred thousand dollars, who had obtained some form 101 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 1: of post graduation education a master's, a diploma, a PhD, 102 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 1: and they also self identified as overachievers. They then asked 103 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 1: these people three questions. Are you unhappy? Do you believe 104 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 1: that achieving more will make you happy? Does the success 105 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: of other people make you jealous? Or increase your level 106 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 1: of unhappiness? Over half of these people answered yes to 107 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:46,240 Speaker 1: all of those questions. We think that tangible success and 108 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 1: working really hard is going to make us happy, is 109 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 1: going to create a fulfilling life. But actually what we're 110 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 1: seeing is what these researchers called the superstar paradox, whereby 111 00:07:56,760 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 1: the people who seemingly have it all are objectively really 112 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 1: unhappy at times. I also see this a lot with 113 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: people who work really high paying jobs straight out of university, 114 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 1: like investment banking and such, and they always say, I'm 115 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 1: just gonna work really hard until I'm thirty five and 116 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: then I'll have enough money to retire. Or I'm just 117 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 1: gonna work three jobs, all of these hours as all 118 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,000 Speaker 1: of this year, for as long as I can so 119 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 1: that then next year I can rest, and rarely does 120 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: that actually happen normally. When we get stuck in this 121 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,400 Speaker 1: cycle of overachieving, we're working towards creating our dream life, 122 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,240 Speaker 1: but we're never actually giving ourselves time to enjoy the 123 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,120 Speaker 1: life that we have now or enjoy that dream. So 124 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:52,240 Speaker 1: what makes us overachievers? How do we become these people? Oftentimes? 125 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: I think with most things that cause stress or disorder 126 00:08:56,200 --> 00:09:00,959 Speaker 1: or discomfort in adulthood, the original roots are in childhood. 127 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 1: More times than not, this is the case, and I 128 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:07,920 Speaker 1: think that is the case here. It's likely that being 129 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:12,920 Speaker 1: able to work really hard, to push yourself has helped 130 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,120 Speaker 1: you get to where you are today. Maybe you have 131 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:21,080 Speaker 1: developed it as a defensive or protective mechanism, and you 132 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:26,000 Speaker 1: have derived a lot of these expectations from your parents, 133 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:30,160 Speaker 1: from your family, from your culture, from your environment. I 134 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 1: see this a lot with people who are labeled as 135 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 1: gifted children when they were younger. At some stage, someone 136 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: has noticed or decided that you were above average intelligence 137 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:48,000 Speaker 1: or you had more natural abilities than the average person, 138 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,640 Speaker 1: and that they decided you are going to do amazing things, 139 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:55,080 Speaker 1: that you are going to be exceptional, and they begin 140 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,680 Speaker 1: to treat you differently they expect more from you. You 141 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 1: get put an accelerated classes, you get harder assignments, you 142 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 1: skip a few years at school. Everything has to be better. 143 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:09,720 Speaker 1: You always have to give more. When that occurs, you 144 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 1: are not actually getting the chance to be a kid, 145 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: to just be a kid, because you've been deemed mature 146 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,920 Speaker 1: for your age, so you're required to grow up faster 147 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:27,040 Speaker 1: than those around you and take on additional expectations, responsibilities, burdens. 148 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 1: I absolutely despise the term gifted child when it's used 149 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 1: out of context because a I think, I know it 150 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,600 Speaker 1: sounds cheesy, but every child, every person is gifted. They 151 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,360 Speaker 1: might not just show it in an academic context or 152 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,719 Speaker 1: a school environment and be it's quite exclusive. It may 153 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,680 Speaker 1: prevent some kids from actually getting the support they need 154 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:53,320 Speaker 1: because they aren't term just gifted. And see, when you 155 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:57,360 Speaker 1: label a child this, you don't let them figure out 156 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:01,319 Speaker 1: their own identity. You don't allow them to be anything 157 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: but what you have expected them to be. And part 158 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:10,920 Speaker 1: of that is an expectation of accomplishment and success and accolades. 159 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:15,240 Speaker 1: Not everyone wants that. The older they get kids, as 160 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: they become adolescents and then adults should be able to 161 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: independently determine what they want from their life, and a 162 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:26,000 Speaker 1: label that comes with that expectation might not give them 163 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,400 Speaker 1: that opportunity, and there's been research on this. One of 164 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: the most exciting pieces of research around this was eight 165 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:40,600 Speaker 1: decade long study eighty years conducted at Stanford University starting 166 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 1: back before World War One, and what they did was 167 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:48,320 Speaker 1: they followed children who were very bright as kids for 168 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:52,240 Speaker 1: their entire lives, observing them every three years, and they 169 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:57,200 Speaker 1: identified this phenomenon known as early ripe early rot. The 170 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:03,200 Speaker 1: researchers expected these formerly gifted kids to be happier, to 171 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:06,400 Speaker 1: be making more money, to be successful, to be fulfilled, 172 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 1: and that was the case sometimes, but beyond the tangible success, 173 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: many of the individuals that they watched actually faced significantly 174 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,720 Speaker 1: more emotional problems as they grew up. They reported that 175 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:24,079 Speaker 1: their self concept was really excessively based on being intelligent, 176 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,520 Speaker 1: so they were really never given a chance to see 177 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,120 Speaker 1: who they were. Beyond that, they experienced a lot of 178 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,000 Speaker 1: self doubt. They felt like they that their life path 179 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:36,160 Speaker 1: was kind of determined for them. And I think often 180 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:40,360 Speaker 1: when we prioritize tangible success over the smaller joys in 181 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 1: our lives, we miss out on the things that actually 182 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 1: bring beauty. We don't see our friends, we don't travel, 183 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,480 Speaker 1: we don't take time to rest, we don't invest in 184 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:53,240 Speaker 1: our relationships. It's really similar to what psychologists call golden 185 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,960 Speaker 1: child syndrome. So a golden child is someone who is 186 00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: considered special by their family and chosen as kind of 187 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: like a proxy for their parents' own achievements. Unfortunately, this 188 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:11,680 Speaker 1: child must live up to perhaps unattainable levels of perfection 189 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 1: because they constantly need to satisfy their parents, or in 190 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 1: some case they kind of act as like a symbolic 191 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,560 Speaker 1: trophy for their parents to show off and so that 192 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,319 Speaker 1: they can kind of point to their child and say, look, 193 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,800 Speaker 1: we raised them, so we must be doing something right. 194 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,319 Speaker 1: They wouldn't be that smart, that talented if we weren't 195 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:37,240 Speaker 1: also smart and talented. So unsurprisingly, at that level, most 196 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: psychologists suggest that one or both of the parents is 197 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:46,520 Speaker 1: probably narcissistic on some level. Maybe they're even experiencing parentification, 198 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:51,119 Speaker 1: whereby the role of the parent and the child is reversed. 199 00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:56,040 Speaker 1: You have to support your parents emotionally by validating them 200 00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:00,880 Speaker 1: through your accomplishments, but after a while, those standards that 201 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:05,439 Speaker 1: your parents have kind of forced on you, become self imposed. 202 00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:09,080 Speaker 1: They begin to really matter to you because you've been 203 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,760 Speaker 1: exposed to them enough. They've become repetitive. So no longer 204 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,560 Speaker 1: is it I have to practice for five hours otherwise 205 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: my parents will be disappointed. Soon it becomes what we 206 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:24,960 Speaker 1: call introjected motivation. I have to work hard otherwise I 207 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,720 Speaker 1: will feel guilty. Even when my parents my family is 208 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:32,160 Speaker 1: not around, even when no one is telling me to 209 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 1: be this version of myself. I have been indoctrinated into 210 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 1: this ideology of success. That is how an overachiever emerges. 211 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 1: This is super common within eldest children in particular. I 212 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: think because so much family pressure gets placed on them 213 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,960 Speaker 1: to set the standard for younger siblings, they feel more 214 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,720 Speaker 1: of a responsibility to maybe support the family, to keep 215 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,480 Speaker 1: the family going. We could honestly get into a whole 216 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:02,040 Speaker 1: separate episode on what it means to be the eldest 217 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:06,600 Speaker 1: daughter specifically, but oh my god, that is a whole 218 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 1: other psychological profile to dissect. We do not have time. 219 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 1: But I also think that being an overachiever may have 220 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,120 Speaker 1: become somewhat of a survival tool for a lot of 221 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,440 Speaker 1: us when we were younger. There are three specific reasons 222 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:26,320 Speaker 1: for that. Firstly, your academic, sporting, musical accomplishments whatever they were, 223 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 1: they allowed you to please the people around you, and 224 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: they were essentially a protective mechanism against anger or disappointment. 225 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 1: If you were this perfect child, no one could find 226 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 1: fault with you, and you were safe. Secondly, being an 227 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:48,000 Speaker 1: overachieverer may have enabled you to survive in a social 228 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 1: environment where you felt left out. If you worked hard enough, 229 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: you could leave your hometown. You could get as far 230 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: away as possible from the people you grew up with 231 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 1: or you went to school with. You could leave this 232 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:06,120 Speaker 1: kind of life that made you unhappy. It may also 233 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:11,440 Speaker 1: be that you used work and achievement and grades, whatever 234 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,880 Speaker 1: it was, as a proxy for self worth and self esteem. 235 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 1: For many of us, I think our over achievement at 236 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,960 Speaker 1: the end of the day stems from feelings of insecurity 237 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: and inadequacy. Maybe you didn't feel great in your own skin. 238 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:32,240 Speaker 1: You weren't the funniest person, or the most attractive, all 239 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,880 Speaker 1: the most popular, or the most creative, but you could 240 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 1: be the most hard working. Therefore, we begin to conflate 241 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,080 Speaker 1: our self worth, our self concept, how we feel about 242 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 1: ourselves with external validation. We need that buzz of being 243 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 1: told that we've done well. We need to receive praise 244 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 1: or rewards. We want to be that person, that version 245 00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 1: of us who quote unquote does it all. So to 246 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,480 Speaker 1: give up being an overachiever, to give up working yourself 247 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,439 Speaker 1: to exhaustion, you would have to give up a really 248 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:12,240 Speaker 1: core element and foundation of your identity. You know, you 249 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,720 Speaker 1: do not know who you are without your accomplishments. I 250 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,320 Speaker 1: think this makes a lot of sense as well in 251 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 1: the kind of society we're living in today, where we 252 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 1: really do expect everyone to be exceptional and accomplished, and 253 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:30,840 Speaker 1: there is such a high degree of competition to get 254 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:35,280 Speaker 1: into university or to get that internship or that dream job. 255 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:41,720 Speaker 1: There's just also a general fascination with hustle culture, with success, 256 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:45,880 Speaker 1: with being a millionaire, with productivity. So in those situations 257 00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:51,040 Speaker 1: it may be why despite feeling really exhausted, really burnt out, 258 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:55,680 Speaker 1: we continue to grind away, we continue to just keep working. 259 00:17:56,560 --> 00:18:00,919 Speaker 1: One of the final reasons that is really significant is 260 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:05,080 Speaker 1: that we overwork ourselves as a distraction for the other 261 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:08,560 Speaker 1: things that we're dealing with. For example, I remember when 262 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,520 Speaker 1: I experienced like heartbreak for the first time. I worked 263 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,000 Speaker 1: so much harder in my classes. I studied more than 264 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:19,080 Speaker 1: I ever had before. I just like took on so 265 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:23,879 Speaker 1: many different responsibilities. And this pattern of behavior was actually 266 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,520 Speaker 1: a reaction to that deeper emotional distress and discomfort, where 267 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,239 Speaker 1: if I buried myself in work, it would mean that 268 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 1: I never had to give myself time to really think 269 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 1: about how I was feeling, you know, out of sight, 270 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 1: out of mind, right, So you exhaust yourself with a 271 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:44,440 Speaker 1: million commitments and goals and projects so that you don't 272 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,440 Speaker 1: have to see what you're really needing to deal with 273 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 1: in those moments at the end of the day. Focusing 274 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 1: on achievement, working yourself to the point of burnout again 275 00:18:56,440 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: and again for whatever reason, is a type of obsessive behavior. 276 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,639 Speaker 1: And obsessive behaviors are rarely what they seem at the 277 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 1: surface level. Normally, they stem from needing control, needing a 278 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,920 Speaker 1: sense of safety or security, or to feel better about ourselves. 279 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,879 Speaker 1: So I think we know that, but a lot of 280 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:20,440 Speaker 1: people might make the argument that being an overachiever isn't 281 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,960 Speaker 1: the worst thing in the world. It probably isn't, you know. 282 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,359 Speaker 1: There are so many other things that do sit heavy 283 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: on our mind, and I actually posted a video about 284 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,879 Speaker 1: this the other day and someone commented being like, you 285 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,480 Speaker 1: only hate on overachievers because you could never do what 286 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,639 Speaker 1: they do, Like you're a failure, so you're just jealous, 287 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:43,440 Speaker 1: And I was like, you know, firstly, ouch unnecessary, but secondly, 288 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,679 Speaker 1: that is not the point. You can still admire the 289 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,480 Speaker 1: things that you have been able to achieve whilst realizing 290 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 1: that maybe you didn't need to push yourself to the 291 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:55,800 Speaker 1: point of needing to achieve that much. You know. The 292 00:19:55,880 --> 00:20:00,520 Speaker 1: point here is these people may have everything that they 293 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:04,679 Speaker 1: have wanted. Everyone might think that they are super impressive 294 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:10,280 Speaker 1: and incredible, but are they really happy? What's the cost? Here? 295 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:14,359 Speaker 1: We are going to discuss all of that and more, 296 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 1: also including how to heal that former gifted child version 297 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:29,480 Speaker 1: of yourself after this shortbreak. Being an overachiever is kind 298 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:33,560 Speaker 1: of like a drug because, despite how destructive it is, 299 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,879 Speaker 1: you will undoubtedly receive praise. You will be rewarded for 300 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,040 Speaker 1: doing things that others cannot do or aren't capable of doing, 301 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 1: and that that admiration is something that we can't help 302 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:50,400 Speaker 1: but live for. It feels really nice to be recognized 303 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:54,439 Speaker 1: and celebrated, so there's no question that accomplishment brings a 304 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,960 Speaker 1: source of energy, it brings a source of strength. It's 305 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,119 Speaker 1: important to feel like, yes, I can do this thing, 306 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:03,760 Speaker 1: Yes I have worth, Yes I can bring something to 307 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,920 Speaker 1: the table. But the thing is, as overachievers, or as 308 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:13,159 Speaker 1: recovering overachievers, you're not actually gaining anything from your accomplishments 309 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,480 Speaker 1: other than a sense that you'll need to work harder 310 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:21,320 Speaker 1: for the next For the average person, achieving something gives 311 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,800 Speaker 1: them a sense of pride, It gives them a confidence boost, 312 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,680 Speaker 1: might even allow them to relax for a little bit, 313 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:28,920 Speaker 1: give themselves a pad on a back for a job 314 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:33,120 Speaker 1: well done. That reaction does not exist in overachievers, whereby 315 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,480 Speaker 1: our successes do not serve to reinforce our sense of 316 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:40,119 Speaker 1: self worth or feel comfort in the fact that we 317 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:44,639 Speaker 1: are doing a good job. They just create more self doubt, 318 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:49,320 Speaker 1: whereby we constantly need to be one up being ourselves, 319 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,560 Speaker 1: or once we've finished maybe a huge project or a 320 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,479 Speaker 1: huge goal that's taken us months, we feel guilty for 321 00:21:56,520 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 1: giving ourselves time to rest because that feels like time 322 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:05,920 Speaker 1: I'm wasted. This really relates a whole lot to imposter syndrome, 323 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 1: the constant sense of doubt about your skills, about your intellect, 324 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: about your accomplishments, no matter how much you achieve or 325 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:18,199 Speaker 1: how much others tell you differently. Imposter syndrome is, to 326 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 1: be honest, something I've personally struggled with for many years. 327 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,960 Speaker 1: I continue to struggle with it. I don't really have 328 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 1: the solutions for you, but when I looked into the 329 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 1: relationship or the correlation between imposter syndrome and overachieving, they 330 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:43,119 Speaker 1: are so intimately and closely related. Imposter syndrome is rarely, 331 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:47,920 Speaker 1: if not ever, seen in people who are underachievers. It's 332 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,879 Speaker 1: reserved for those who put a lot of pressure on themselves. 333 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 1: When we are in that kind of place of innate 334 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:59,160 Speaker 1: self doubt, often we experience what this author, her name 335 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:03,240 Speaker 1: is Claire Joseph. She wrote this book called Teaching Imposter Syndrome. 336 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,240 Speaker 1: She has this theory known as the four peas of 337 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:14,920 Speaker 1: imposter syndrome, perfectionism, people, pleasing, paralysis, and procrastination. The chances are, 338 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 1: if you're struggling with the need to overachieve, or you're 339 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:21,240 Speaker 1: wrangling kind of your past life as a gifted or 340 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:25,119 Speaker 1: golden child, you are experiencing some combination of these things. 341 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,679 Speaker 1: Perfectionism obviously being a huge one. Not being able to 342 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,280 Speaker 1: be satisfied with anything unless it's the best, unless it's perfect, 343 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 1: including in some ways your life, and always wanting or 344 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 1: working for more. There's another consequence that we need to 345 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,880 Speaker 1: talk about here, and it feels so obvious, maybe it's 346 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,719 Speaker 1: not even worth mentioning, but I do think that it's 347 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,959 Speaker 1: an important part of this equation, and that is burnout. 348 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:58,080 Speaker 1: Burnout is a state of complete mental, emotional, physical, social 349 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:03,159 Speaker 1: exhaustion that occurs when you have been pushing yourself beyond 350 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,600 Speaker 1: your limits for far too long. It leaves us more 351 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:12,160 Speaker 1: susceptible to getting ill, to withdrawal and isolation, despair and 352 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:16,439 Speaker 1: just feeling detached. And it's so common these days, and 353 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:21,040 Speaker 1: obviously naturally comes about during really stressful periods, like if 354 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,280 Speaker 1: you've just done all of your exams or you're in 355 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,400 Speaker 1: a particular busy time at work. Sometimes we do reach 356 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:31,360 Speaker 1: a point of burnout, but overachievers have been pushing themselves 357 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:36,680 Speaker 1: for years, so it becomes chronic. And the real challenge 358 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:42,720 Speaker 1: is that burnout creates a really dangerous cycle because when 359 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,440 Speaker 1: you can no longer perform at the level that you've 360 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:50,680 Speaker 1: expected from yourself, you push yourself harder, leading to further exhaustion, 361 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,280 Speaker 1: leading to further self doubt, and then further attempts to 362 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:58,560 Speaker 1: repair your self esteem by working harder again, burnout occurs. 363 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:02,960 Speaker 1: It's this whole It's a mental trap, and it's why 364 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,960 Speaker 1: I think a lot of overachievers leave high school or 365 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 1: university and just feel completely lost because they are completely exhausted. 366 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,840 Speaker 1: I think the biggest delusion that we try and tell 367 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,879 Speaker 1: ourselves is that we can cure our burnout by just 368 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:22,720 Speaker 1: taking a day or an afternoon off. This study conducted 369 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,800 Speaker 1: a few years back, it was published in the Journal 370 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:29,000 Speaker 1: of Applied Health, Psychology and well Being. It found that 371 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:34,879 Speaker 1: it actually takes about three months to fully recover from burnout. 372 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 1: Three months. Now, think how long it's going to take 373 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,879 Speaker 1: you if you've been in a constant cycle of burnout. 374 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,400 Speaker 1: I always say this, but if you don't give your 375 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,240 Speaker 1: body a break, your body is going to take a 376 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:53,440 Speaker 1: break for you, and it is going to be at 377 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:57,360 Speaker 1: the most inconvenient time. I'm going to out myself here 378 00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:01,560 Speaker 1: and say this happened to me like a few months ago, 379 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:05,560 Speaker 1: maybe about a month back, where I was just so drained, 380 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:09,280 Speaker 1: I had the most intense brain fog, I couldn't concentrate 381 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 1: for more than ten minutes, and then of course I 382 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,439 Speaker 1: got sick. I got sick for about two weeks. And 383 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,920 Speaker 1: I think every time that happens, in hindsight, I can 384 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 1: see the pattern of behaviors that have led me to 385 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:25,280 Speaker 1: that point. So I think all of these examples of 386 00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:29,000 Speaker 1: the consequences that we face from being overachievers are important 387 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,840 Speaker 1: because I think for everyone there comes a day when 388 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:36,440 Speaker 1: we start to question our identity as this version of ourselves. 389 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:41,440 Speaker 1: We start to wonder, is this actually who I am? 390 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,240 Speaker 1: Is this actually healthy? Do I want to be this 391 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,520 Speaker 1: gifted child and constantly live up to people's expectations for 392 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,760 Speaker 1: the rest of my life? And I think there are 393 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,840 Speaker 1: a few common experiences that almost act as triggers for 394 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 1: us to realize that maybe our work ethic isn't sustainable, 395 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: isn't as sustainable as we had thought, or maybe that 396 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,639 Speaker 1: we aren't as exceptional we as we've been made to 397 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,520 Speaker 1: feel so. Firstly, encountering people who are better than you, 398 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,439 Speaker 1: who outperform you no matter how hard you try, and 399 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:17,239 Speaker 1: beginning to question, you know, am I actually special? What 400 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,160 Speaker 1: has this all been for? Secondly, of course, is experiencing burnout, 401 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:26,639 Speaker 1: our injury, illness, severe mental exhaustion. Thirdly, is failing at 402 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 1: something that you've tried really hard at. I relate to this. 403 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,160 Speaker 1: I remember the first time I had to sit exams 404 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,760 Speaker 1: at university after like coming from a public school where 405 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,639 Speaker 1: most people weren't too focused on academics, so it was 406 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,239 Speaker 1: very easy to do well in that environment. And then 407 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,359 Speaker 1: suddenly I was in an environment of all the kids 408 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,600 Speaker 1: that were the best in their schools, and I just 409 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,960 Speaker 1: was like absolutely floundering. I had this huge sense of, oh, 410 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,040 Speaker 1: maybe I'm not actually smart, maybe I shouldn't be here. 411 00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:58,479 Speaker 1: And I think the final trigger is having somewhat of 412 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:02,320 Speaker 1: an existential crisis about what you want from life and 413 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:05,920 Speaker 1: realizing that accomplishment is no longer making you happy. All 414 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:10,000 Speaker 1: of these create an identity crisis. So an identity crisis 415 00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:14,000 Speaker 1: according to Erickson, he's a very famous psychologist. He pioneered 416 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,440 Speaker 1: a lot of the research on this. It occurs when 417 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,520 Speaker 1: an event a situation makes you reevaluate who you are, 418 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:26,120 Speaker 1: and part of this reevaluation is contemplating what actually makes 419 00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:28,919 Speaker 1: you happy. What is your conception of a happy and 420 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:32,400 Speaker 1: a fulfilled life, what are your sources of motivation. What 421 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:36,160 Speaker 1: are you doing all of this for all these hours, 422 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:41,560 Speaker 1: all these sacrifices. Is it for personal satisfaction and growth? 423 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,000 Speaker 1: Or is it another element that wants to impress others 424 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,240 Speaker 1: or appears your family, or another element of you that 425 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,720 Speaker 1: doesn't understand that your worth is beyond your output. I 426 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:54,000 Speaker 1: think I'm going to go back to that need to 427 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:58,080 Speaker 1: impress people, because I think our need to use our 428 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:01,320 Speaker 1: business and our productivity is kind of like a marker 429 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:05,000 Speaker 1: of our worth is huge. I used to see this 430 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:09,280 Speaker 1: in my old workplace all the time, where no one 431 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: wanted to be the first person to leave. Everyone would 432 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,320 Speaker 1: stay back past five even if they had like no 433 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:18,160 Speaker 1: work to do, just to prove that they had a 434 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,680 Speaker 1: good work ethic, just to prove that they were a 435 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:24,080 Speaker 1: hard worker. Another way this shows up is like bearing 436 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:27,720 Speaker 1: yourself in projects and never ending to do lists. This 437 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:31,480 Speaker 1: is not sustainable. So how do we recover from being 438 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:36,000 Speaker 1: former overachievers? How do we reframe our relationship with success, 439 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:41,360 Speaker 1: with productivity, with our value. Firstly, you need to have 440 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:47,800 Speaker 1: some compassion for this past version of yourself and acknowledge 441 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:51,480 Speaker 1: why you are this way. Sometimes I see this all 442 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:55,080 Speaker 1: the time when we identify things we don't like, you know, 443 00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 1: about ourselves. When we identify old habits or ways of being, 444 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,640 Speaker 1: we try and criticize ourselves out of it. We turn 445 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:07,800 Speaker 1: to like self hatred or shame. I don't think there's 446 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,960 Speaker 1: any room for that here. You've already really put yourself 447 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:16,360 Speaker 1: through enough. Take some time to think back to your 448 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:20,960 Speaker 1: childhood or teenage self and just say to them, you 449 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,920 Speaker 1: didn't have to work that hard. You never had to 450 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 1: be the best for me to still love you. You know. 451 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:31,360 Speaker 1: I'm such a huge proponent of inner child healing, and 452 00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:35,719 Speaker 1: a big part of that is realizing and appreciating the 453 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:38,840 Speaker 1: environment and the factors that have made you who you 454 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:42,560 Speaker 1: are right now. Overachievement and all, you were not in control. 455 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:44,320 Speaker 1: You did not have a say, You did not get 456 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 1: to decide what kind of values were imposed on you. 457 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:50,120 Speaker 1: So I think part of that maybe by starting to 458 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:54,000 Speaker 1: realize the relationship that your parents had with success, or 459 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,800 Speaker 1: the position they put you in as a proxy for 460 00:30:56,840 --> 00:31:00,200 Speaker 1: their accomplishment, or how you have conflated your value, you 461 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:04,720 Speaker 1: would tangible achievement. You have an opportunity now to be 462 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:08,680 Speaker 1: in charge. You are the parent now, even if your 463 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,680 Speaker 1: parents are still alive and around and well, you are 464 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:14,959 Speaker 1: now the most important adult in your life, so you 465 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,840 Speaker 1: get to decide how you would like your future to be. 466 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:21,720 Speaker 1: But in order to undo some of those past beliefs, 467 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,000 Speaker 1: you do have to be nice to yourself to begin with. 468 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 1: Part of showing yourself that compassion is, of course, giving 469 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:35,960 Speaker 1: yourself time to rest. I know this sounds common sense, 470 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:39,640 Speaker 1: but I also know that it can be really difficult 471 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 1: when you haven't done that for a long time. There 472 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:47,360 Speaker 1: is such an intense guilt that we sometimes associate with 473 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 1: taking a break, especially if you've been on the overachieving 474 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,120 Speaker 1: path for a while. For you, taking a break, taking 475 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:57,200 Speaker 1: a day off in your mind is associated with choosing 476 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,160 Speaker 1: to be lazy, or with the stress of deadlines that 477 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:03,240 Speaker 1: keep piling up. But if you take time to rest, 478 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:07,040 Speaker 1: you will work more efficiently. If you properly restore your 479 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:12,040 Speaker 1: cognitive functioning by letting yourself switch off, your body and 480 00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:14,720 Speaker 1: mind is better able to operate. You have to remember 481 00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:18,000 Speaker 1: like your brain is one of your most important possessions. 482 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:21,760 Speaker 1: It is priceless. You would not walk around with like 483 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:26,080 Speaker 1: a smashed phone that doesn't work and not get it repaired. 484 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,520 Speaker 1: You would not keep driving a car that only had 485 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:33,120 Speaker 1: two wheels and a faulty engine. You know that is dangerous, 486 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,200 Speaker 1: so you shouldn't let yourself continue to operate when you 487 00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:39,960 Speaker 1: know that you need rest or repairs. Practical ways to 488 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:45,400 Speaker 1: do this involves scheduling time off once a week, twice 489 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,320 Speaker 1: a week, once a day, the same way that you 490 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:51,600 Speaker 1: would schedule things like an appointment or study time, or 491 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:56,600 Speaker 1: class or work. Make rest an immovable part of your 492 00:32:56,640 --> 00:33:01,880 Speaker 1: schedule like your other obligations, because in all to overcome 493 00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:06,560 Speaker 1: your overachieving tendencies, you need to treat rest and time 494 00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:09,239 Speaker 1: off like an obligation. It needs to be something that 495 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,840 Speaker 1: is important to you. Thirdly, I would say clear your 496 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,680 Speaker 1: schedule and your life of the things that don't actually 497 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:19,040 Speaker 1: make you happy. You know that volunteer position that you have, 498 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,080 Speaker 1: that extra credit or extra duty you're doing it work, 499 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:27,560 Speaker 1: that you don't have time for extra classes, side hustles, 500 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:31,520 Speaker 1: or projects that you aren't really motivated by. Not everything 501 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:34,840 Speaker 1: can fit into your life at once, and it doesn't 502 00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:36,960 Speaker 1: mean that you're quitting. It doesn't mean that you're giving 503 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,520 Speaker 1: up on yourself. It just means that you're actually helping 504 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:44,040 Speaker 1: yourself by allowing more space to be focused on really 505 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:46,080 Speaker 1: you know what really matters to you right now by 506 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:49,000 Speaker 1: actually giving yourself permission to be happy and to have 507 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:53,040 Speaker 1: free time, recognizing that even if that thing is important 508 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:56,400 Speaker 1: to you, there will be time for those things in 509 00:33:56,440 --> 00:34:02,200 Speaker 1: the future, and redefine your idea years of success. I 510 00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,680 Speaker 1: read this in the Harvard Business Review that some of 511 00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:09,040 Speaker 1: the top kind of regrets of the people of people 512 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:12,680 Speaker 1: who are dying is living a life that wasn't truly 513 00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:16,799 Speaker 1: for them and secondly, working too hard. If you don't 514 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:21,600 Speaker 1: question your motivations and definition of success now, you might 515 00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:24,359 Speaker 1: be one of those people. How much more time are 516 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:28,120 Speaker 1: you going to spend in an everlasting state of burnout 517 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:33,000 Speaker 1: and dissatisfaction and exhaustion. Some really important prompts for this 518 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,800 Speaker 1: are the following, and answer truthfully. Whether you're driving right now, 519 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:42,440 Speaker 1: or you're at work, or you're doing laundry, pause and 520 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:47,160 Speaker 1: just answer these for yourself. What would a good life 521 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:52,040 Speaker 1: look like for you in twenty years if you could 522 00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:56,239 Speaker 1: only achieve one thing in your life, what would it be. 523 00:34:57,239 --> 00:35:01,600 Speaker 1: If someone asked you for your definition of happiness, what 524 00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:04,640 Speaker 1: would you tell them? And are you living this definition? 525 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:08,640 Speaker 1: Are you striving towards this definition? What would you want 526 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:12,080 Speaker 1: to do with your life if there was no one 527 00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:18,040 Speaker 1: watching you. I love these questions because I think it 528 00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:23,160 Speaker 1: turns the attention away from socially imposed ideas of success 529 00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:26,839 Speaker 1: and accomplishment and allows us to actually reflect on what 530 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:31,000 Speaker 1: we want. It allows us to contemplate life on a 531 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:36,680 Speaker 1: more holistic, biggest scale, like achievement feels good, but it's 532 00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:40,520 Speaker 1: not everything. Getting good grades is not everything. Life is 533 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:43,040 Speaker 1: more than how busy you are. Life is more than 534 00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:45,880 Speaker 1: just being the best. Life is more than being the 535 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,920 Speaker 1: last person to leave the office or being someone that 536 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:54,280 Speaker 1: other people think is impressive. Finally, actually make a big 537 00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:58,560 Speaker 1: deal out of your accomplishments. This relates to what I 538 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:05,040 Speaker 1: mentioned before, whereby overachievers often undervalue their achievements, and normally 539 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:07,080 Speaker 1: they just have this tendency to move on to the 540 00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:10,319 Speaker 1: next task, the next project, the next big thing, and 541 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,040 Speaker 1: it kind of feels like a bit of a rat race. 542 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:14,640 Speaker 1: At that point, it feels never ending. You never actually 543 00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:17,680 Speaker 1: sit down and give yourself credit for your efforts. If 544 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:20,879 Speaker 1: you've got a big promotion, tell your friends, invite them 545 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,200 Speaker 1: over for a drink. If you got an A on 546 00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 1: your exam, go and buy yourself like an ice cream cake. 547 00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:28,520 Speaker 1: Go and get yourself a little gift. You need to 548 00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:32,120 Speaker 1: make a big deal out of your successes so that 549 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:35,040 Speaker 1: you don't forget them, so that you don't feel like 550 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,040 Speaker 1: you need to be doing more. And then when the 551 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:42,960 Speaker 1: imposter syndrome does kind of rear its ugly head, you 552 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:45,040 Speaker 1: can knock it back and be like, hey, no, I 553 00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 1: remember this really cool thing that I did a few 554 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:52,200 Speaker 1: months ago. This voice in my head is lying to me. Also, 555 00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:58,200 Speaker 1: talk about your experiences as an overachiever openly. We need 556 00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:00,400 Speaker 1: to be more honest with each other about the pressures 557 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:02,680 Speaker 1: that we are facing in our twenties. The pressure is 558 00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:05,520 Speaker 1: to be exceptional, and the pressure is to be the best. 559 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,520 Speaker 1: We have something to contribute. And I was speaking about 560 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,319 Speaker 1: this with my friends the other day when I was 561 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:13,880 Speaker 1: researching this episode. I was like, do you think that 562 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:16,440 Speaker 1: you know you were a gifted kid? Do you think 563 00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,359 Speaker 1: that you had pressure placed on you? Do you think 564 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:20,360 Speaker 1: that you were told that you were too you know, 565 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:23,560 Speaker 1: more mature for your age or whatnot? And so many 566 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,640 Speaker 1: of them, almost all of them admitted that they felt 567 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:29,680 Speaker 1: that way and were able to like kind of explain 568 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:32,520 Speaker 1: how that had had a bleed on effect in adulthood. 569 00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:36,680 Speaker 1: It was such a Catharsis moment to realize that you 570 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:39,879 Speaker 1: I am not the only one that doubts our abilities, 571 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:43,000 Speaker 1: who never feels like they're doing enough, who was scared 572 00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:46,480 Speaker 1: of the future, scared of wasting their potential. It is 573 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:50,120 Speaker 1: so much more common than we know. Really, it is 574 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:53,239 Speaker 1: so much more common. I know it's so cliche to 575 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,000 Speaker 1: be like you are not alone, but I think sometimes 576 00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:59,200 Speaker 1: when all we're focused on is our worth and our 577 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:02,160 Speaker 1: value and how the people see us and living up 578 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:05,880 Speaker 1: to expectations being the best, we forget that there is 579 00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:09,280 Speaker 1: a whole world out there where this doesn't matter, where 580 00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:12,800 Speaker 1: we are just another person who is allowed to actually 581 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:16,719 Speaker 1: just enjoy our lives. So I really hope that you 582 00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:22,440 Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. From one former Golden Child, healing, overachiever 583 00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:27,359 Speaker 1: victim of imposter syndrome to another, this topic was such 584 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,960 Speaker 1: an emotional release for me, Like I feel like I 585 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:32,880 Speaker 1: personally learned so much about what this means and what 586 00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:35,400 Speaker 1: it means to be this kind of person, to have 587 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,359 Speaker 1: this kind of personality, So I hope that you did 588 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:42,840 Speaker 1: as well. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please 589 00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:47,040 Speaker 1: feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts. 590 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:49,839 Speaker 1: Spotify wherever you are listening right now. I read them all. 591 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:52,560 Speaker 1: It really does wear my heart, so thank you so 592 00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:55,319 Speaker 1: much for all the love recently. Make sure that you're 593 00:38:55,360 --> 00:39:00,280 Speaker 1: following along so you're notified when new episodes come out 594 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,960 Speaker 1: and if you have an episode suggestion, just some feedback, 595 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:06,319 Speaker 1: if you have an opinion on this, if you are 596 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,440 Speaker 1: a formally gifted kid and you have something to share, 597 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:12,040 Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you. Follow me at 598 00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:15,040 Speaker 1: that psychology podcast, shoot me a message. It's so great 599 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,759 Speaker 1: to kind of see that community growing. So thank you 600 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:21,239 Speaker 1: so much for listening along. As always, we will be 601 00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:25,600 Speaker 1: back next week with another episode.