1 00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:46,760 Speaker 1: Al Zone Media sixteen. 2 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:58,080 Speaker 2: Sixteen. Hi, this is technically an episode of sixteenth Minute, 3 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:01,640 Speaker 2: a podcast where I would and we'll continue to analyze 4 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:05,320 Speaker 2: and interview the Internet's main characters and what their moment 5 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,680 Speaker 2: in the spotlight meant for you, for me, and for them. 6 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,840 Speaker 2: But this week, for our thirteenth episode, we are interrupted. 7 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,759 Speaker 2: And if there were an episode number to be interrupted at, 8 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,039 Speaker 2: why not this one. So if you followed me online 9 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:23,600 Speaker 2: you're possibly aware. My dad passed away two weeks ago. 10 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 2: His name was Mike Loftis and he was sixty five 11 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 2: years old, So if your dad's older than that, it 12 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 2: should have been him. Fuck your dad. In fact, the 13 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,840 Speaker 2: entire time this series has been in production, dad was 14 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 2: either really sick or more recently, really dead. When the 15 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 2: show first released on May seventh, I carefully composed an 16 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,120 Speaker 2: Instagram post while in a hospital room, and I'm a 17 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 2: clinically obsessive, compulsive person, so I can tell you with 18 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:54,360 Speaker 2: precision the different locations this show has been recorded. Most 19 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,480 Speaker 2: interviews and dialogue so far, and a few episodes that 20 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 2: haven't come out yet, were recorded in a hospittle bathroom, 21 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,639 Speaker 2: a hospital breakroom, in a study room at a public 22 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 2: library near a hospital, on my mom's sofa, in a 23 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:10,560 Speaker 2: Duncan Donuts parking lot, or in this really depressing twin 24 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 2: sized bed I bought for my brother and I to 25 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 2: sleep at our childhood home while dad was in the hospital. 26 00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 2: So if you ever thought there was anyone but me 27 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,520 Speaker 2: writing these, here's your confirmation that there's not. If I 28 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,240 Speaker 2: can't get an episode out, it doesn't happen. And I 29 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:28,360 Speaker 2: really appreciate my producer Sophie and producer slash editor Ian 30 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,720 Speaker 2: for bearing with me here. This episode isn't a memorial 31 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:36,799 Speaker 2: or an obituary. This is an episode about the last 32 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:40,079 Speaker 2: two weeks and all of the notes that I've taken 33 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,120 Speaker 2: during the last two weeks. And it's not because I 34 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 2: don't want to honor my dad in a public way. 35 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:51,440 Speaker 2: I very much do and will continue to. I feel 36 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:55,600 Speaker 2: this kind of probably delusional urgency to put something down 37 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 2: and to try and say something about these two weeks. Oh, 38 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:04,440 Speaker 2: this is an attempt at that. Pretty sure that I 39 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 2: will not feel a lot of the things that I'm 40 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:10,880 Speaker 2: recording here in a matter of weeks or days or 41 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 2: maybe even an hour, but I'm gonna put it here anyways. 42 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,080 Speaker 2: And if you want the normal show. Oh Also, if 43 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,920 Speaker 2: you happen to be interested in my dad's obituary, you 44 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 2: can check out some links below. My family and I 45 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:25,560 Speaker 2: and my dad's colleagues have written a lot about him, 46 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 2: and you'll notice the same repeated things in all of them. 47 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 2: That he was great at his job as a hockey writer, 48 00:03:32,639 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 2: he was really funny, and then he loved his family. 49 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 2: And those are the three sentences that I've seen the most, 50 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 2: and they're all true. So it's not that I don't 51 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,880 Speaker 2: want to say those things. I do, but I don't know. 52 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 2: I mean, how soon after someone is gone do you 53 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:52,840 Speaker 2: start to reduce them to three or so sentences? Because 54 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 2: those three sentences can be factual, but they don't to me, 55 00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 2: really feel adequate. They don't feel complete. Anyways, I've been grieving, 56 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,040 Speaker 2: which is annoying. And the only way to express that 57 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,240 Speaker 2: grief after a funeral is over and you've already had 58 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 2: to explain to TSA that those are your father's ashes 59 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,560 Speaker 2: and not a gallon sized ziploc bag of cocaine, is 60 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:20,040 Speaker 2: by talking about it on the internet, which isn't insincere, 61 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 2: but it can feel that way. And granted I'm super lucky, 62 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 2: I can't imagine going through this without a job that 63 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,240 Speaker 2: has given me the freedom to record everything in and 64 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,839 Speaker 2: around hospitals instead of wondering what was happening from three 65 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:39,240 Speaker 2: thousand miles away, But the actual feelings are just so consuming. 66 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 2: One thing I've realized is that I hate having a 67 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 2: universal experience because every universal experience has already been done 68 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:51,839 Speaker 2: by people way hotter and smarter than you, millions of times, 69 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,960 Speaker 2: and so what's the point. But you have to So 70 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 2: I'm having the universal grief experience, and I'm letting my 71 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 2: hair turn into a solid and I'm walking around for 72 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,960 Speaker 2: hours at a time listening to Rainbow Connection, even though 73 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 2: I know my dad thought that song was stupid, which 74 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 2: it's not. In the past two weeks, I also can't 75 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:15,839 Speaker 2: seem to get anything done. Having OCD often means for 76 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 2: me that I can hyper focus on work instead of 77 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 2: thinking about other things. But I've lost that ability, and 78 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:28,080 Speaker 2: my brain has really latched onto what my real obsession 79 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 2: has been in the past year or so, which is 80 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 2: a habit of documenting everything I possibly could about the 81 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 2: last year of my dad's life. I'm talking hundreds of notes, 82 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:44,920 Speaker 2: thousands of blurry, badly composed pictures, of depressing spaces, hundreds 83 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,960 Speaker 2: of hours of illegally recorded conversations with my dad and 84 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:53,640 Speaker 2: his doctors, and let's say for legal purposes, nobody else. 85 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:58,039 Speaker 2: It's just this big box full of stuff that I've 86 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,359 Speaker 2: compiled that isn't my dad's final year of life, but 87 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 2: it is a version of it. And for the last 88 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 2: two weeks, it's this stuff that has really been kind 89 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 2: of eating my brain alive. The notes habit is nothing 90 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,680 Speaker 2: new for me or for you. I've always taken a 91 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,720 Speaker 2: lot of notes, and it's a pretty catching habit when 92 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 2: you're the kid of a newspaper reporter. Even if I 93 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,839 Speaker 2: didn't have really any interest in what my dad was 94 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:25,039 Speaker 2: reporting on, could have really taken or left hockey. But 95 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:30,640 Speaker 2: I loved watching writers. My dad's career spanned from when 96 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,240 Speaker 2: he was in college in the late seventies until a 97 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:35,480 Speaker 2: couple of years ago, and he worked at the same 98 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,040 Speaker 2: local newspaper that whole time. So much of my childhood 99 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:44,120 Speaker 2: was consumed by his industries collapsing entirely. But when I 100 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 2: was little, the newspaper still existed in a very real way, 101 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 2: and I remember going to the sports department and getting 102 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,440 Speaker 2: a reporter's notebook which is a small white and blue 103 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 2: spiral notebook identical to the ones that my dad would 104 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,080 Speaker 2: write in at the hockey games. He'd bring us to 105 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,839 Speaker 2: the press box in once a year, and I didn't 106 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,480 Speaker 2: understand what he was writing in the notebooks, really, but 107 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:08,480 Speaker 2: he wrote down everything it seemed, whether that was about 108 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,680 Speaker 2: hockey or notes on just the daily beats of his 109 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,640 Speaker 2: own life. And he kept a lot of these notes 110 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:17,680 Speaker 2: all the way up until he died, in these boxes 111 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 2: that are now in our house. He kind of had 112 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,640 Speaker 2: a hard time parting with things that he saw as 113 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 2: meaningful or even saw potential meaning in, and these could 114 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,280 Speaker 2: be his own notes or they could be mine. For 115 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,640 Speaker 2: the last few years of his life, Dad sorted this 116 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 2: stuff in boxes in the house we'd grown up in. 117 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 2: I know that because he wrote down how he had 118 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,680 Speaker 2: done it, where in our house he'd been organizing things 119 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 2: on a certain date, how far he got, how he 120 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,600 Speaker 2: felt about the process, and like any parent, he'd remind 121 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,120 Speaker 2: us to come home and check it out. And even 122 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 2: when I actually did, the work never seemed to be 123 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 2: fully done. Around the time he retired in late twenty twenty, 124 00:07:56,920 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: the same time as the pandemic and his cans her diagnosis. 125 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 2: He asked my permission to sort through stacks of my 126 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,080 Speaker 2: old notebooks and art projects from when I was a kid, 127 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 2: and I said yes because I knew it would drive 128 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,560 Speaker 2: him up a wall if they were just sitting there, 129 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 2: And honestly, I didn't think he'd find anything that would 130 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,800 Speaker 2: really surprise him. We were friends. It was stuff I 131 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:22,559 Speaker 2: felt he probably knew he composed these boxes of old 132 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,360 Speaker 2: compulsive writing. I'd done, fuzzy notebooks full of chicken scratch 133 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 2: describing what everyone in the room I was sitting in 134 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 2: was wearing and what was hanging on the walls, because 135 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 2: in the early two thousands, no one clocked this behavior 136 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,360 Speaker 2: as a child with severe OCD. It was that Jamie 137 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,880 Speaker 2: wanted to be a writer, and that's why she was 138 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 2: getting bullied by the children who took the notebooks and 139 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:48,960 Speaker 2: looked at the terrifying shorthand she'd developed about their clothes. 140 00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:52,040 Speaker 2: But also the idea that I wanted to be a 141 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,560 Speaker 2: writer was true. Writing things down released the anxiety. It 142 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,360 Speaker 2: gave me something to do, and I was afraid to 143 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 2: talk to people. It produced something that I hoped might 144 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 2: turn into something else. The way that I'd watched my 145 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 2: dad's notes and interview cassettes and handwritten transcripts turn into 146 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,560 Speaker 2: something in the newspaper all the time, So we didn't 147 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:16,079 Speaker 2: know that there was an unhealthy element to this obsessive documentation, 148 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 2: and in the case of me and my dad, it 149 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 2: could often be tremendously helpful in our work. Here's one 150 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 2: of my dad's colleagues talking about how carefully he would 151 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:29,640 Speaker 2: observe things and how it was sometimes frustrating to him 152 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:32,800 Speaker 2: to realize that other people weren't paying as close attention. 153 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,720 Speaker 3: Mike was one of those guys more than anybody else 154 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:41,320 Speaker 3: that like, he would ask a question of the coach 155 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 3: and you'd be like, shit, I didn't notice. I wish 156 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,679 Speaker 3: I had noticed that, Like you wouldn't you know? You 157 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,240 Speaker 3: would always you would learn stuff or be like damn, 158 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,280 Speaker 3: how did I miss that? Based on the questions that 159 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 3: Mike asked consistently, this would happen a lot where you'd 160 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:59,559 Speaker 3: be like, wow, he really noticed that. That's he's really 161 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 3: studied what he's watching. He just has a knack for 162 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,080 Speaker 3: it too, where he just picks up on things really 163 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,960 Speaker 3: quickly like that, like all those things with the Bruins, 164 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 3: you would learn very quickly that he would ask questions 165 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,480 Speaker 3: that nobody else was sort of thinking or going in 166 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 3: a whole different direction than other people were thinking, and 167 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 3: he was kind of watching on a different level a 168 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,600 Speaker 3: lot of times, and like oftentimes too, like other people 169 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 3: would would jump on and like, you know, take something 170 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,360 Speaker 3: from him or share it with him, where I think 171 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,679 Speaker 3: he would get a little aggravated because it'd be like 172 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,160 Speaker 3: I did all the work, I came up with this, 173 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 3: and now all of a sudden it started into everybody's 174 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 3: notebook lead like yeah, yeah, he was like so good 175 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 3: and so brilliant, like that he had a brilliant hockey mind. 176 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:40,600 Speaker 3: He really did. 177 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,440 Speaker 2: It is really weird and cool to listen to the 178 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:47,000 Speaker 2: hockey community talk about my dad like this, because everything 179 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,240 Speaker 2: they're saying is true. And you did apply the same 180 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,320 Speaker 2: approach to how he did just about anything that was 181 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 2: important to him, whether that was as a parent or 182 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,880 Speaker 2: a friend, or in my case, quite often an unpaid editor. 183 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,160 Speaker 2: He noticed as much as it was in his capacity 184 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 2: to notice, and I learned how to process the world 185 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,840 Speaker 2: by watching how he did it. And weirdly, it seemed 186 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,959 Speaker 2: that one of his regrets was that he hadn't documented 187 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:15,720 Speaker 2: even more. My dad lost his dad to the same 188 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,839 Speaker 2: illness at about the same age, something I'm sure didn't 189 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,800 Speaker 2: bother him at all. But anytime we talk about my grandfather, 190 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 2: who I don't have any memories of, he expressed his 191 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,520 Speaker 2: regret at not asking more questions and not writing more 192 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:33,840 Speaker 2: things down, his feeling that he was missing something. And 193 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 2: I thought about that, and so when in the same position, 194 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 2: I did what I often do, which is overcorrect to 195 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 2: the point of excess and in some cases breaking the law. 196 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 2: So I started writing notes within about ten minutes of 197 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,800 Speaker 2: kissing my dad on the forehead one last time. The 198 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,840 Speaker 2: first note says this dad died at about five in 199 00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:59,000 Speaker 2: the morning, not that he'd know, but dying on day 200 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:03,320 Speaker 2: two of my period is really fucked up. Tim Greg 201 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:08,280 Speaker 2: Murder on the Orient Express slash the Wizard of Oz. 202 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 2: I can untangle this note. The first part is obvious, 203 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,400 Speaker 2: the second part is an excellent joke under duress. I think. 204 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,160 Speaker 2: The third part are names of a crematorium guy and 205 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 2: a funeral home guy. And the fourth part is the 206 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 2: last book and movie I consumed while my dad was alive. 207 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:31,040 Speaker 2: And this was an obsessive thought pattern I'd been having 208 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,080 Speaker 2: for months the idea that at some point you have 209 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 2: a library loan that will outlive your father and you 210 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,319 Speaker 2: don't know it yet, or at some point your entire 211 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,680 Speaker 2: life will change in the space of a bottle of 212 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,760 Speaker 2: gummy vitamins, but you have to keep taking them. Stuff 213 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,280 Speaker 2: like that. My notes from the next couple of days 214 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:51,240 Speaker 2: were pretty lean. They were notes from the last episode 215 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 2: of sixteenth Minute on Naomi h which I insisted on 216 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,480 Speaker 2: releasing the day after my dad died like a fucking weirdo. 217 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,720 Speaker 2: There's a note from the day before dad funeral that 218 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:08,239 Speaker 2: says car clothes, ben babies, dinner, upload pictures, finished, playlist, 219 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:11,920 Speaker 2: USB drive. There's the note I made for his eulogy 220 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:17,760 Speaker 2: that says, hat yes not using Twitter, bio, Hallmark movie 221 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 2: effortlessness versus effort. Come on, Eileen, dream about walking down 222 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 2: the stairs. I feel that all this stuff is important, 223 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 2: but there's no real reason to keep staring at it 224 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,199 Speaker 2: or anything from the last year, because there's nothing I 225 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,760 Speaker 2: can really do with it. You know, a lot of 226 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,320 Speaker 2: it is illegally recorded conversations with a dead guy, and 227 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 2: even if I could use them, I wouldn't want to. 228 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 2: So as I've been going through these boxes, of stuff 229 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 2: that Dad left behind because he thought they might mean 230 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,959 Speaker 2: something to someone. I'm realizing that I've accidentally spent a 231 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:57,560 Speaker 2: year creating another box for someone else. Two weeks ago 232 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 2: from when I'm writing this, I am exactly three thousand 233 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,920 Speaker 2: and one miles away and asleep on that twin bed 234 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,800 Speaker 2: I was telling you about two weeks ago minus an 235 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,560 Speaker 2: hour and a half. My mom and brother are at 236 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,080 Speaker 2: the side of that twin bed telling me that Dad 237 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,319 Speaker 2: has gone two weeks ago plus an hour and a half. 238 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 2: I'm giving my dad syringes of all these things and 239 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 2: keeping a careful record and kissing him on the forehead 240 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,320 Speaker 2: for what I don't realize is the last time. I 241 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:27,200 Speaker 2: can't keep thinking about all these numbers. They're true as 242 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 2: I'm writing this, but they'll be different by the time 243 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 2: I record it, and different by the time you hear it, 244 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 2: and on and on, and it'll only just get further away. 245 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 2: The day where Dad tells us his cancer is back 246 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,080 Speaker 2: is further away. The night before we go to the 247 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:44,760 Speaker 2: hospital and watch Pewe's big adventure is further away. The 248 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,000 Speaker 2: days I don't remember but have been obsessively documented by 249 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 2: him and me grow further away. In these two weeks, 250 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:56,680 Speaker 2: I've found myself kind of chafing at every googleable element 251 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,840 Speaker 2: of grief, all of the aphorisms and step and what 252 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 2: seems to be a multi million dollar industry around people 253 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 2: telling you you're doing great and that your loved one 254 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,960 Speaker 2: is joined the rest of the faceless souls in the 255 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 2: great mayonnaise jar of bygone humanity. I understand why it works, 256 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 2: and I don't begrudge anyone who gets anything out of it, 257 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 2: but it doesn't work for me. It lacks specificity. It 258 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 2: feels like the goal is to arrive at a place 259 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 2: where someone you love who taught you to look at 260 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:32,320 Speaker 2: everything you possibly could, is better suited in three sentences 261 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,120 Speaker 2: because it might make you feel better. Last week, I 262 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 2: went to the beach, which I don't usually do, but 263 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,800 Speaker 2: while I was there, I kind of deluted myself into 264 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:49,840 Speaker 2: thinking that I was convening with his spirit. My dad 265 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:53,760 Speaker 2: hated the beach on a conceptual level, I kind of 266 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,920 Speaker 2: hate the beach. It just felt like a place to 267 00:15:56,120 --> 00:16:01,200 Speaker 2: manufacture this kind of moment, and I tried to do 268 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,640 Speaker 2: that a lot in the first week. Last week, my 269 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,200 Speaker 2: brother and I convinced ourselves he was a rabbit the 270 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,360 Speaker 2: morning that dad died, because I don't know. He liked 271 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,720 Speaker 2: a rabbit and there was a rabbit nearby. But something 272 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 2: that worries me about losing someone this important is that 273 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 2: it's so tempting to turn them into someone in your 274 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:25,280 Speaker 2: mind who tells you that everything is fine, and on 275 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,480 Speaker 2: a long enough timeline, they turn into a framed photo 276 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:32,600 Speaker 2: in your apartment and three sentences and a voice in 277 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:36,880 Speaker 2: your head that occasionally tells you you're doing great. And 278 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 2: I keep worrying that in a year, will I even 279 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,000 Speaker 2: be carefully considering what my dad might actually think, or 280 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:48,160 Speaker 2: will I just be talking to somebody who I've made up. 281 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 2: Here's a part of a note I wrote on the 282 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:55,000 Speaker 2: beach whatever stupid Etsy jar or credit card bill and 283 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,840 Speaker 2: paying off so we could be with you. I have 284 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 2: the real pieces, and someday I'll look at them again 285 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 2: and you'll be right there. I tell you what stage 286 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:08,320 Speaker 2: of grief this is. But Google doesn't work here, just 287 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 2: the word to be borrowed, cash to get over easy eggs. 288 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 2: I have it all for some day when I need 289 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,600 Speaker 2: to have it straight, I promise. So when I go 290 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:23,720 Speaker 2: over these notes, I want to know what my dad 291 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:27,120 Speaker 2: would think. Because he's an interesting person. And I guess 292 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:29,679 Speaker 2: I've always thought that because when I was in middle school, 293 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 2: I made this convoluted chart of things that I thought 294 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:39,000 Speaker 2: were interesting, revealing that I have been either remarkably consistent 295 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,679 Speaker 2: or deeply incurious. In the almost twenty years that have 296 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 2: passed since I made it, I still regularly talk about 297 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,119 Speaker 2: Lemony Snicket books, the book Lolita, and as I dedicated 298 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:54,360 Speaker 2: an entire category of my interests the life in times 299 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,439 Speaker 2: of Mike Loftus. And the reason that I know I 300 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 2: said this is because my dad put it in a 301 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,920 Speaker 2: box for me to see, and that means he knew 302 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,760 Speaker 2: I wrote that down too. We would text about this 303 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 2: stuff intermittently. He'd send me something he thought was funny, 304 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,640 Speaker 2: or occasionally something that made him sad, because he didn't 305 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,400 Speaker 2: always realize the points when I was a kid where 306 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,720 Speaker 2: I was lonely or obsessive in a way that was 307 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,240 Speaker 2: more harmful than we thought. He really looked through all 308 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:26,439 Speaker 2: of these boxes, and now his boxes are back with me, 309 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 2: what he'd left us of his own obsessive observations of 310 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:34,680 Speaker 2: his life, and the boxes that he'd made of my own. 311 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,199 Speaker 2: I don't know if this is healthy I suspect it 312 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:41,639 Speaker 2: isn't because in terms of raw material, it's too much. 313 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,600 Speaker 2: A lot of it is useless. You know, if you've 314 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,600 Speaker 2: ever lost someone and had to go through your house, 315 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,440 Speaker 2: you can relate this like sinking, feeling that no matter 316 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,639 Speaker 2: how careful you look, you're going to miss something, and 317 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,520 Speaker 2: of course you are. I mean, it's really painful to 318 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:59,440 Speaker 2: see boxes full of someone who isn't there, and it's exhausting. 319 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,120 Speaker 2: And I know my dad felt the same way, because 320 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,080 Speaker 2: the boxes his mom left behind when she died had 321 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:08,480 Speaker 2: started to mildo in our basement. But I have this 322 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,920 Speaker 2: fear that if I let myself reach the bottom of 323 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:16,959 Speaker 2: these boxes, a part of him disappears. I'm voluntarily tossing 324 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:21,000 Speaker 2: him into the man astar and somehow surrendering to the 325 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:24,840 Speaker 2: idea that three sentences could be good enough. I don't 326 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 2: think my dad would want me to be cycling on 327 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 2: these thoughts this much. He probably knew I would do it, 328 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 2: but I don't think it's what he would really want 329 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:35,119 Speaker 2: for me. And now there are his boxes and my boxes, 330 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,520 Speaker 2: and I have to decide what's important to me. And 331 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,880 Speaker 2: I'll give money to mediums and buy crystal bracelets until 332 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,520 Speaker 2: I die. That's how I was raised. But I can't 333 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,399 Speaker 2: see my dad in a rabbit or a sunset right now, 334 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,879 Speaker 2: not in these two weeks. I can't see him in 335 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:55,679 Speaker 2: three sentences. The closest I've gotten are two things that 336 00:19:55,800 --> 00:20:00,280 Speaker 2: I've found in a thousand boxes. The first it is 337 00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 2: a letter written inside of a Valentine's Stake card from 338 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,840 Speaker 2: my dad to me from who knows when. Part of 339 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,679 Speaker 2: it says, I know you'll be a good girl and 340 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,720 Speaker 2: we'll take care of mom, Ben, Reese and Bug, but 341 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 2: please don't forget to take care of yourself too. Get 342 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:19,480 Speaker 2: enough sleep and make sure you have some breakfast before school. 343 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 2: I'll call you before you go to sleep tonight. Don't worry. 344 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:26,119 Speaker 2: I won't be gone too long. I love you, Love Dad. 345 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,920 Speaker 2: And even though this was probably written when I was ten, 346 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,320 Speaker 2: I think that this is a little closer to what 347 00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:34,720 Speaker 2: he would want for me. But I don't know if 348 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,720 Speaker 2: it's something I can give to myself. I think I'm 349 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,440 Speaker 2: always going to wonder if I had asked another question 350 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:45,119 Speaker 2: or arranged another box, if things would not feel this bad. 351 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,520 Speaker 2: The second thing is a cassette tape I don't remember 352 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:53,600 Speaker 2: ever having existed. It's almost exactly twenty five years old, 353 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 2: and it was recorded on a road trip that my 354 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,000 Speaker 2: dad and I took together, the only one we ever 355 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:04,680 Speaker 2: took alone, Brackton, Massachusetts to a family reunion in South Carolina. 356 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,439 Speaker 2: At the time, I'm almost six, and I remember this 357 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:11,080 Speaker 2: trip in my memory. We listened to a mixtape we'd 358 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 2: made that had one of Dad's songs and the one 359 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,760 Speaker 2: of mine. There was a time we heard the song 360 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:20,280 Speaker 2: Somewhere out There from an American Tale, and I started 361 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,919 Speaker 2: crying because I'd never been that far away from my 362 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:26,240 Speaker 2: mom before. I remember him teaching me how to swim 363 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:29,480 Speaker 2: in a motel pool and drinking the most amazing hot 364 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,800 Speaker 2: chocolate I'd ever had at a diner in Maryland. I 365 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,080 Speaker 2: remember almost nothing of the actual reunion. It was the 366 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 2: trip and these little memories of being excited that I 367 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,040 Speaker 2: was spending time with just my dad and he wasn't 368 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,679 Speaker 2: at work and we could be silly and listen to 369 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:50,480 Speaker 2: music and see new things. And the tape Okay, it's. 370 00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:55,480 Speaker 4: Still in line. July twenty ninth, we have driven forty 371 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:59,640 Speaker 4: two point six miles and it's eleven forty one. 372 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:05,320 Speaker 2: It's my dad making a document for I don't know 373 00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:08,800 Speaker 2: if he knows who me someday maybe, But there's so 374 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,399 Speaker 2: much random stuff on it that you almost get the 375 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,240 Speaker 2: idea that it's also for him. 376 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,960 Speaker 4: Were eleven o'clock this evening, And the interesting thing is 377 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,240 Speaker 4: is that here, at eleven forty two point six miles 378 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:24,240 Speaker 4: into the trip and nineteen minutes before midnight, we're stuck 379 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:28,000 Speaker 4: in construction traffic on Route ninety five, getting a little bored, 380 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,439 Speaker 4: a little hot. But I don't want to turn the 381 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:34,200 Speaker 4: air conditioning on. I just don't know what I want. 382 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:38,480 Speaker 4: By a few rain drops, does it mean more? Does 383 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,919 Speaker 4: it mean less? You know? Are we driving into a storm? 384 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,720 Speaker 4: Or is it just that just a few rain drops? 385 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:46,280 Speaker 4: I don't know, And then there's no way to know 386 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:47,200 Speaker 4: unless we keep going. 387 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 2: I almost didn't find this tape. It wasn't really organized 388 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:55,320 Speaker 2: into anything but a shallow box of otherwise empty tapes, 389 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:59,600 Speaker 2: But everything I remembered was there, crying about my mom, 390 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:01,080 Speaker 2: and we. 391 00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:03,440 Speaker 4: Both just got a little bit sad because we heard 392 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:06,840 Speaker 4: a song that reminded us of home. But we think 393 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,720 Speaker 4: that maybe after Jamie gets a little sleep in a 394 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,960 Speaker 4: few hours, when we stop and grab something to eat, 395 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,800 Speaker 4: that we'll start to have a little bit more fun. 396 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,119 Speaker 4: Then it's tough for my little daughter. Let's see if 397 00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:18,119 Speaker 4: she wants to say anything. 398 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 2: Hey, Main Marney the hot chocolate in Maryland. 399 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,320 Speaker 4: It's nine thirty in the morning now, and Jamie and 400 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 4: I just went and had our breakfast. It was called 401 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:35,679 Speaker 4: the Barnside Diner and it's in Temple Hills, Maryland, and 402 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,720 Speaker 4: we took our time and Jamie had like two awesome 403 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,439 Speaker 4: hot chocolates, even though it's going to be ninety degrees today, 404 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:42,679 Speaker 4: and all. 405 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,160 Speaker 2: Of these things that I didn't know that my dad 406 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,680 Speaker 2: thought or worried about. It was all there. 407 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 4: And then we'll see how it goes from there. But 408 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,240 Speaker 4: it's gone great now. She just my Jamie Loftus just 409 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,199 Speaker 4: went back to sleep after listening to her Backstreet Boys. 410 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,199 Speaker 4: She slept two hours and I think she was up 411 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 4: another two. I'll have to go back and check. But 412 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:08,760 Speaker 4: she just she's just a little wonder. I love this 413 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 4: girl to death, you know, not really to death. I 414 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,560 Speaker 4: just love her so much. She's very peaceful, and I 415 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:16,600 Speaker 4: hope she gets a good sleep. 416 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,199 Speaker 2: And there's no person I can make up in my 417 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,680 Speaker 2: head or seeing a rabbit or whose memory could be 418 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:28,480 Speaker 2: a blessing or three sentences that captures the feeling of 419 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,919 Speaker 2: finding this and putting it in a boombox and knowing 420 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:35,760 Speaker 2: that all that time ago he was taking notes and 421 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:39,280 Speaker 2: hoping someone would find them at some point. But down 422 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,720 Speaker 2: the line with my kids asked me what was special 423 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:45,160 Speaker 2: about my dad. I'm lucky that I will be able 424 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:49,560 Speaker 2: to open a box and show them. 425 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,720 Speaker 4: Let's see. I just wanted to say. Now, I've been 426 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 4: turning this on every now and then so we can 427 00:24:53,960 --> 00:25:01,800 Speaker 4: keep a record, right, Yes, well, anyway, I just want 428 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:02,960 Speaker 4: to say before I forget that. 429 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:10,919 Speaker 2: Sixteenth minute is a production of Pool Zone Media and iHeartRadio. 430 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 2: It is written, posted, and produced by me Jamie Loftus. 431 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,399 Speaker 2: Our executive producers are Sophie Lichtman and Robert Evans. Lea 432 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:22,399 Speaker 2: nasy Ian Johnson is our supervising producer and our editor. 433 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,800 Speaker 2: Our theme song is by Sad thirteen and Pet. Shout 434 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,480 Speaker 2: outs to our dog producer Anderson, my Kat's Flee and 435 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:35,840 Speaker 2: Casper and by Pet Rockbert who will outlive us all Bye.