WEBVTT - You Think You Know Me feat. Jordin Sparks 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:04.080 Jordan the woman, Jordan the mom, Jordan the wife, the 0:00:04.120 --> 0:00:07.200 sexual and sensual being, and like even saying Jordan sparks 0:00:07.200 --> 0:00:09.120 and sexual being, people might. 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:11.760 Be like, oh, oh no, guess what she has a kid? 0:00:11.840 --> 0:00:14.480 She had sex? Oh my god? Did she Maybe not right? 0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:18.599 Maybe not, maybe she didn't marry me right, No way 0:00:18.640 --> 0:00:18.960 she did. 0:00:19.040 --> 0:00:19.800 I can't even see it. 0:00:28.360 --> 0:00:35.880 M h. 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:43.040 Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:46.840 I'm Nila and it's Wednesday. I'm not going to sing 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:49.879 this time. Hey, oh you're gonna miss it. Hey, ladies, 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:51.600 Happy hump Day, Happy hump Day. 0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:53.560 How's it going. How you doing? How's your week? 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:57.400 My week is going well. I'm wearing a bright color 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:01.960 because I woke up this morning feeling not right, and 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:03.720 I was like, maybe if I put something bright on, 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:06.920 i'll feel better. And then I did and I feel better. 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:09.160 Oh wow, I never never thought about that. So here's 0:01:09.160 --> 0:01:11.360 a tip. Actually, fuck, I don't have my pink lipstick on. 0:01:11.440 --> 0:01:13.440 That was gonna be like the extra added oomph. 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:15.240 Well, but we must have been on the same page 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:16.720 because I'm also wearing florals. 0:01:16.880 --> 0:01:18.960 I have my pink lipstick in the bag. Man, I 0:01:19.040 --> 0:01:20.360 really want someone to go get it for me. 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:23.920 It's a new moon. We're springing out. We're springing out 0:01:24.000 --> 0:01:27.360 to our new our new form. That's what the that's 0:01:27.400 --> 0:01:29.000 what the astrology said. 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:32.880 Oh okay, I got it. Anyway, I'm doing pretty good. 0:01:33.160 --> 0:01:37.080 I uh, I think I'm breaking out in hives. Lovely, 0:01:37.440 --> 0:01:42.440 but everything's fine. I mean it's going well. Should be 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:44.560 introduce our guests so YouTube doesn't get pissed off. 0:01:44.640 --> 0:01:46.560 Yeah, let's introduce her today. 0:01:46.880 --> 0:01:50.840 We have a very very special guest without further ado. 0:01:51.000 --> 0:01:54.160 We have singer Mama. 0:01:54.280 --> 0:02:03.720 Wife, platinum selling musical artists, actress American I'll number six winner, right, Yeah, 0:02:04.480 --> 0:02:05.640 well you're getting specific. 0:02:05.720 --> 0:02:08.560 Yes, Jordan's smile. 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:12.960 And I was like, they're gonna wonder who this third 0:02:13.040 --> 0:02:15.120 laugh is coming out of nowhere. 0:02:15.200 --> 0:02:17.240 Well, people are get on this because we'll like we 0:02:17.280 --> 0:02:18.840 always like kind of talk for a second and then 0:02:18.840 --> 0:02:20.880 they're like, you're so rude. Your guest is just sitting there. 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:23.440 And I usually brief our guest first, I didn't, I forgot, 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:26.120 I didn't tell you that. But sometimes I feel pressure 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:28.400 to just get into it because they cursed me out 0:02:28.400 --> 0:02:29.880 on YouTube, and then I curse them back out. 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:31.280 So can you stop cursing. 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:33.919 People's fine, Just so you know, I was thoroughly enjoying 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:34.640 their little moment. 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:35.799 So I'm okay. 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:38.120 Are you okay, Jordan Jordan's sparks? 0:02:38.120 --> 0:02:40.960 Okay, Welcome to the what are we gonna call it? 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:43.240 Like, welcome to the Good Good Media Studio, Like we 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:46.280 welcome to Good Mom's, the Good Mansion, the Good Mama Den, 0:02:46.480 --> 0:02:49.200 the Good mom Is Good Cave. 0:02:49.639 --> 0:02:50.280 The Babe Cave. 0:02:50.560 --> 0:02:52.799 Oh god, sounds very Caucasian. 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:54.799 Okay, well it's very Caucasian. 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:56.120 I don't. I don't know. 0:02:56.280 --> 0:02:58.239 We're gonna reconvene with the location. 0:02:58.639 --> 0:02:59.760 Well, we'll think about it. 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:02.360 Welcome to the Good Moms. Thank you, bad choice. 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:03.320 I'm happy to be here. 0:03:03.360 --> 0:03:06.200 I think this was a good choice for me today. 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:07.200 So that's good. 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:08.280 I'm glad. 0:03:08.280 --> 0:03:11.160 Were you did you before you came? Did you have 0:03:11.200 --> 0:03:12.440 any did you do any research? 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:13.240 Did you like? 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:13.440 Oh? 0:03:13.560 --> 0:03:16.600 No, like, I know I didn't. 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:21.079 Actually I do know Erica just through uh how many 0:03:21.160 --> 0:03:21.680 years has it been? 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:22.440 I don't even know. 0:03:22.600 --> 0:03:25.080 But I met your mom first on the set of 0:03:25.080 --> 0:03:26.240 Sparkle all those years ago. 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:29.080 I didn't know you knew her. I don't you don't know. 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:33.799 My mom My mom did make up on Sparkle. But 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:35.280 then I think she quit in the middle of it. 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:36.720 Yeah, I was very sad. 0:03:36.800 --> 0:03:39.040 Yeah, like there was a controversy and my mom was like, 0:03:39.080 --> 0:03:41.840 fuck that ship and was like I'm out yep. 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:45.440 Growing up, the original Sparkle was like, by far, my 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:48.000 favorite movie. I don't know why my parents were letting 0:03:48.000 --> 0:03:50.760 me watch Sparkle at a young age, but literally I 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:52.240 just remembered today when she said that. I was like, 0:03:52.320 --> 0:03:57.040 I fucking watched Sparkle the original four thousand times, so 0:03:57.080 --> 0:03:58.480 when the new one came. When the new one came, 0:03:58.520 --> 0:03:59.800 I was like, I can't wait for this ship. But 0:03:59.800 --> 0:04:01.160 then I just realized, like, why the fuck was a 0:04:01.160 --> 0:04:02.440 seven year old watching Sparkle. 0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:07.600 No, there's a lot of adults, but hey, the dresses 0:04:07.600 --> 0:04:08.840 are pretty and the music is. 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:09.600 Good, so I get it. 0:04:09.640 --> 0:04:11.880 I have a lot of supervision growing up, guys. I 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:13.520 turned out fine. 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:16.279 But yeah, so, I mean we've we've crossed paths a lot, 0:04:16.320 --> 0:04:18.280 but I mean that was the she showed me a 0:04:18.279 --> 0:04:20.080 beauty blender for the first time on Sparkle and I 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:20.920 was like, what is this. 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:22.520 She goes, this is my mention. 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:24.200 She's like, look at my daughter, And that was my 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:26.800 first introduction of you was your beautiful picture, and then 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:28.760 we've kind of just crossed paths since then. 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:30.600 So I'm glad to actually be able to like sit 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:31.440 and chill and. 0:04:31.440 --> 0:04:35.880 Haven't yeh wait. Fun fact, guys, I auditioned for Sparkle. 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:38.080 You did? 0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:41.320 I did. I auditioned for Sparkle because in my former life, 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:43.280 well I still, I guess I'm still an actress, but 0:04:43.800 --> 0:04:45.479 I'm on hiatus for a long time. 0:04:46.000 --> 0:04:47.080 Your former life. 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:49.440 But I did a lot of acting when I was 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:53.320 a kid, and so I remember auditioning for Sparkle, and 0:04:53.360 --> 0:04:55.760 I remember being like, I remember watching Sparkle and I 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:59.760 was like, now, y'all know, goddamn well, I cannot sing 0:04:59.839 --> 0:05:04.040 like this. Why are you gonna embarrass me? I vividly 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:08.400 remember the audition, and I was like, I remember practicing 0:05:08.400 --> 0:05:11.640 in my room, like really trying to hit notes that 0:05:11.760 --> 0:05:14.560 I have no business trying to hit. Man. So when 0:05:14.600 --> 0:05:16.560 I heard the Jordan Sparks got the role, I was like, 0:05:16.720 --> 0:05:18.320 that makes more sad. 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:20.360 We're here traumatized from your attempt. 0:05:21.080 --> 0:05:22.880 No, but because you know, when you audition, like, you 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:24.640 audition for a lot of shit. I love audition for 0:05:24.720 --> 0:05:27.840 so much shit that I'm like girl, first of all, 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:31.680 like I don't even look like these parents, Like they 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:33.520 will really try to match you up with some people, 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:35.200 and I'm like, this is a waste of my time. 0:05:35.240 --> 0:05:36.039 Stop wasting people. 0:05:36.240 --> 0:05:37.599 I hate bad casting. 0:05:37.800 --> 0:05:41.000 They waste people's time. It's so annoying. That's one of 0:05:41.000 --> 0:05:44.000 the reasons I like not really disillusioned with acting too. 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:45.440 I was like, because I was starting to tell my 0:05:45.440 --> 0:05:47.159 ages like I'm not going. They're like, you're not in 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:49.200 the position to say no auditions. I'm like, I'm not 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:51.400 going because I'm not going to drive to a place 0:05:51.440 --> 0:05:52.920 and do some shit that I'm never going to get 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:53.480 the call back. 0:05:53.440 --> 0:05:55.800 For, right, right, that's yes, that's a waste of time. 0:05:55.880 --> 0:05:59.800 And also they work for you, so true, but it's 0:05:59.839 --> 0:06:01.640 a mind fuck. But it's a mind fuck. They will 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:04.480 really confuse you. Yes, no, I get it. I was there, 0:06:05.120 --> 0:06:05.640 like I was. 0:06:05.760 --> 0:06:08.520 I was like, I was scared to do anything, color 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:10.120 my hair, cut my hair, Like, do. 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:12.679 Like change anything on the head headshot? 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:14.640 Right, you have to look like this all year unless 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:16.400 you're taking new headshots for two thousand. 0:06:16.200 --> 0:06:18.000 Dollars at the time. 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:20.000 But you haven't got enough work, so you can't afford them. 0:06:20.160 --> 0:06:21.400 Keep that fucking haircut it. 0:06:22.880 --> 0:06:25.640 But yeah, so it was crazy times, and I'm like, 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:28.760 I'm just I'm excited to be in the space that 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:31.359 i'm at now, like, because you're right, that was like 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:33.240 a lifetime ago. I was like twelve years ago. I'm 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:34.720 not even the same person, you know what I mean. 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:38.400 That's crazy how we evolved. So like once like those 0:06:38.440 --> 0:06:41.919 cycles go quickly. But tell us your journey. I know 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:43.480 you've like you've done so many things. 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:45.360 But girl, I went on your wiki. I said, this 0:06:45.400 --> 0:06:48.799 is the longest wiki this bitch has had a career. 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:52.640 I was like every phase. I was like, this is 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:53.440 a book right here. 0:06:54.560 --> 0:06:57.320 No, literally, American IDAM would be a like a box 0:06:57.400 --> 0:06:58.120 set in and of it. 0:06:58.360 --> 0:07:00.440 But I feel like you had even before America IDOL. 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:02.360 I was like reading up on you too, because you've 0:07:02.360 --> 0:07:07.240 been like you you left school to homeschool to focus 0:07:07.279 --> 0:07:09.680 on your singing career before that, So this is something 0:07:09.680 --> 0:07:11.920 you've been working towards for a very long time. 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:15.800 So I let's start with when I was born. No, 0:07:15.920 --> 0:07:19.000 so my very birthday, I'm December twenty second. 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:20.040 Oh nice, you're a cussby. 0:07:20.160 --> 0:07:22.560 I'm on the cusp. I'm a Capricorn with fiery tendency. 0:07:22.920 --> 0:07:24.560 I got my feet on the ground, but don't test me. 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:29.400 But I uh, nobody in my family sings like me. 0:07:29.600 --> 0:07:33.200 It's definitely a gift, and nobody taught me how to sing. 0:07:33.240 --> 0:07:35.400 I've never taken voice lessons or anything like that. It's 0:07:35.440 --> 0:07:39.840 just strictly a gift. And I knew around four that 0:07:39.960 --> 0:07:43.160 I like you always getting attention from it, but I 0:07:43.200 --> 0:07:44.920 didn't really know what that meant. It wasn't until I 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:46.920 was around seven that I realized that I was actually 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:50.880 good and that it was what I I loved it 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:52.920 so much, and then I saw Kelly Clarkson when I don't. 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:54.720 I was like, I want to do that. But it 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:57.760 wasn't the show necessarily. I just wanted to she was 0:07:57.800 --> 0:07:59.120 winning and people were. 0:07:58.960 --> 0:08:00.840 Crying and she's singing, there's pyrotexts. 0:08:00.880 --> 0:08:03.800 I was like, I want to do that. Yes, I 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:06.239 want to do that. Whatever she's doing, how she's touching 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:07.840 people with her music, that's what I want to do. 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:10.760 And obviously didn't know that American IDAM would be around 0:08:10.800 --> 0:08:14.800 as long as it was and still is. But yeah, 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:18.360 so I sang all around town, I sang in church. 0:08:18.480 --> 0:08:22.720 I did local competitions that turned into like more national competitions, 0:08:23.040 --> 0:08:26.040 Gospel Music Association, I did music in the Rockies, I 0:08:26.080 --> 0:08:29.040 did all of these different things. I auditioned for Star Search. 0:08:29.080 --> 0:08:31.440 I did America's Most Town the Kids when I was fourteen. 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:33.800 That's where I met Tory Kelly and so We've known 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:35.679 each other for a while and kind of worked. 0:08:35.400 --> 0:08:36.000 Our way up. 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:40.880 And then I auditioned for Idol and I won at seventeen, 0:08:41.080 --> 0:08:43.640 and then I've just been working ever since. So it's 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:46.160 it's been pretty it's been pretty crazy, to be honest. 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:49.000 Twenty twenty was the first time I really had a 0:08:49.000 --> 0:08:51.720 home life as an adult, so I like was like, 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:52.800 I love. 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:55.719 This, I can stay home, Like what this is. I've 0:08:55.720 --> 0:08:57.600 been preparing for this my whole life, you know. 0:08:57.800 --> 0:09:01.160 So but that was all so so when I fell 0:09:01.200 --> 0:09:03.720 back in love with music again, because you know, you 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:06.720 know how the industry can disillusion you, and there's just 0:09:06.760 --> 0:09:08.880 so many things, and I was like, Okay, I gotta 0:09:08.960 --> 0:09:10.959 take a step back because this isn't serving me anymore. 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:14.320 And I really fell back in love with music then 0:09:14.360 --> 0:09:16.720 and now I'm really really happy with the music and 0:09:16.760 --> 0:09:17.720 stuff that I'm creating now. 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:19.320 I can't wait to put this project out, It's gonna 0:09:19.320 --> 0:09:19.760 be so good. 0:09:20.920 --> 0:09:23.160 I know that people are excited. Do you think that 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:28.400 starting a career so young, like, how has that I 0:09:28.440 --> 0:09:32.160 guess affected how you've shown up as an adult because 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:34.280 I feel like when you are under the microscope so 0:09:34.360 --> 0:09:37.800 young people are watching your every move, you almost feel 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:40.200 like you can't fuck up, Like you feel like you 0:09:40.280 --> 0:09:44.320 have to kind of be this. I have this element 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:46.280 of perfection in ways, yes, and to be honest, like 0:09:46.280 --> 0:09:48.680 as an outsider looking in and because I don't know 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:50.640 you that well, I would say, like I look at you, 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:53.280 and I'm like, she's like had like the very perfect 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:57.480 kind of buttoned up career and like followed the rules 0:09:57.559 --> 0:10:00.920 in ways. Do you feel like they're pressure to kind 0:10:00.920 --> 0:10:03.840 of uphold that in ways too? Or is that just 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:06.280 kind of naturally how you show up. 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:09.120 I think I think it's a little bit of both. 0:10:09.240 --> 0:10:12.120 Because I've I've never been like give me a book. 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:13.800 I like, just give me a book and I'll stay home. 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:15.720 You know, that's usually where my happy place is. 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:20.800 So I've never been one to be out and doing 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:25.319 crazy things. I like to take risks, but calculated risk capricorn. Yeah, 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:29.840 I like to take calculated risks. So there I have 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:31.640 my moments where I let loose sets every once in 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:35.040 a blue moon, but like part of it is just naturally. 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:35.200 Who I am. 0:10:35.320 --> 0:10:38.680 The other part is, yes, not only from American Idol 0:10:38.720 --> 0:10:40.880 and being under that microscope, but my dad played football 0:10:40.960 --> 0:10:43.480 professionally for the New York Giants before I, before I 0:10:43.520 --> 0:10:45.800 did idle, So our family was kind of in the 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:48.040 spotlight a little bit. So even though it wasn't directly 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:49.760 on me, I was kind of on the outskirts of 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:51.359 that spotlight. 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:54.720 And so also seeing your dad and how you had 0:10:54.760 --> 0:10:57.240 to kind of also to see how he interacted with people, 0:10:57.320 --> 0:10:59.640 certain things that he had to do, how he interacted 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:01.600 with fan and so I learned a lot from him, 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:04.679 and he's he's awesome. My dad has the personality you 0:11:04.679 --> 0:11:06.240 can fall in love with him in five minutes, like 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:08.360 he will make you feel like you've been best friends 0:11:08.480 --> 0:11:11.640 for so long, and it's really special in that way. 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:18.040 But I think it's taken me since I met my husband, 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:21.680 and that was we're going on six years since I 0:11:21.800 --> 0:11:26.400 met him. I've never felt before him, I had never 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:29.080 felt one hundred percent okay with being myself one hundred 0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:32.520 percent of the time because of all the things and 0:11:32.640 --> 0:11:35.360 the cameras and the microscopes and the interviews and all 0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:38.040 you better watch what you say because especially now, you 0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:40.480 say something gets taken out of context for clickbait whatever 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.760 it is, and it doesn't matter how how much you're careful, 0:11:43.920 --> 0:11:45.760 it doesn't matter. People are still going to take it 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:47.080 and twist it and take it how they want to. 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:54.040 But my husband Dana really saw who I. 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:59.360 Was and didn't make me feel bad for it. 0:11:59.520 --> 0:12:01.800 You know how sometimes you're just like you do something 0:12:01.800 --> 0:12:03.760 goofy and they like look at you, and you're just like, okay, 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:04.440 mental note to. 0:12:04.440 --> 0:12:05.200 Do just that. 0:12:06.160 --> 0:12:08.640 You know, I've never had I've never had that moment 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:11.080 in terms of like my personality. Obviously, it's like okay, 0:12:11.080 --> 0:12:14.160 if we are having an argument or there's you know something, and. 0:12:14.080 --> 0:12:17.480 It's like, oh, okay, got it, let's not go that way. 0:12:18.520 --> 0:12:20.360 But yeah, he was the first person to really see me, 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:23.760 and I really appreciated that because a lot of people 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:26.040 have seen me, you know what I mean, a lot of. 0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:27.480 People see me, but he knows me. 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:31.520 And it's been the last couple of years actually, since 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:34.880 twenty twenty falling in love with music again. Really, I 0:12:34.960 --> 0:12:37.160 had so much stuff that was waiting to come out, 0:12:37.160 --> 0:12:39.720 so many stories, so many experiences. I have one hundred 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:43.960 and seventy something songs that I'm just are my vault, 0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:48.120 like just waiting to come out, you know. So being 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:50.520 able to do that really helped me get more in 0:12:50.520 --> 0:12:53.000 touch with myself and who I am now, Like who 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:56.640 is who am I now? After becoming a mom, after 0:12:57.000 --> 0:13:01.640 being the American idol sweetheart? Who's Jordan? And so I'm 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:04.960 still discovering that. But at the same time, like the 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:07.520 seventeen year old me could not fuck with me now, 0:13:07.920 --> 0:13:10.320 you know what I mean, Like no, like they just 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:14.720 they're just they're I'm still seventeen eternally, I think, just 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:17.080 because that was when that major event happened for me, 0:13:17.160 --> 0:13:20.240 and we get not stuck, but we're we like stay 0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:24.320 within those major moments, whether they're traumatic or just amazing. 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:28.640 And so I still feel eternally very in touch with 0:13:28.640 --> 0:13:34.320 my inner kid. But at the same time, I'm really 0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:38.360 really happy to be shedding these older layers that don't 0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:39.800 serve me anymore. 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:41.559 They're just gonna kind of keeping me stuck. So I've 0:13:41.559 --> 0:13:42.400 been doing a lot of. 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:44.480 Work, a lot of shadow work, a lot of like 0:13:44.520 --> 0:13:46.280 well why do I feel this way towards this and 0:13:47.000 --> 0:13:49.680 really trying to get underneath all that stuff so I 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:52.040 can just be free, because I want to be open 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:55.320 and honest with my music, and fans can tell when 0:13:55.320 --> 0:13:58.040 you're not. So I'm really trying to be in this 0:13:58.080 --> 0:14:02.720 authentic space, more sensual with myself, more loving to myself, 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:06.720 more giving to myself, and in turn that I'm able 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:08.400 to do that for everyone else. 0:14:08.880 --> 0:14:11.880 But girls, sometimes it's entire. 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:14.400 Yeah, struggled well on top of being a mom and 0:14:14.559 --> 0:14:18.840 trying to like, yeah, tap into yourself and yeah, prioritize 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:23.080 those things can feel impossible on top of and top 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:26.400 of like the microscope, people waiting for you to fuck 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:28.640 up or like just not even necessarily waiting for you 0:14:28.720 --> 0:14:30.520 to fuck up, but just watch watching it. 0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:33.880 Yeah, Like yeah, and did you grow up in the church? 0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:35.680 Like or you is your family religious and you came 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:36.120 from Like. 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:40.440 Yeah, I grew up in a non denominational household, but 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:42.920 church was really something that we definitely stuck with. 0:14:42.960 --> 0:14:45.080 When I was younger, I went to like what's it 0:14:45.120 --> 0:14:46.440 called a wana? 0:14:46.880 --> 0:14:51.000 I think, like, ohirosk something like like I where all 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:53.000 the kids go in the middle of the week, like 0:14:53.000 --> 0:14:56.920 on Wednesdays and then the youth group. Yeah, I kind of, uh, 0:14:57.000 --> 0:14:59.320 but I I grew up doing that. I sang a 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:02.200 lot in church, a part of the high school worship 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:05.320 team before Idle happened. And then I wasn't allowed to 0:15:05.440 --> 0:15:08.720 join the choir, the big choir because only adults could join, 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:09.760 but I was allowed to see the. 0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:12.080 Solos and with the choir, so that was nice. 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:16.320 So I was able to do that, But that definitely 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:19.840 played a big part in my identity when I was younger. 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:22.520 My faith still is a big part of me, but I. 0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:26.680 Feel like now at this juncture in my life, I'm 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:27.320 more of a. 0:15:30.160 --> 0:15:31.920 I really like knowledge. 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:34.400 I love to learn, and so I'm really in this 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:38.200 space of just reading as much as I can, researching 0:15:38.200 --> 0:15:40.400 as much as I can about everything, Like, I want 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:43.080 to know, why does somebody believe this over here? Why 0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:46.720 does somebody believe that? Why as the person that I 0:15:46.800 --> 0:15:49.520 was raised to be, or as a Christian, why are 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:51.040 we not supposed to be okay with that? You know, 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:53.600 I'm just like questioning, and I think that's something that 0:15:53.640 --> 0:15:57.480 I really want to pass down to DJ because growing 0:15:57.560 --> 0:15:58.960 up it was you don't question that. 0:15:59.360 --> 0:15:59.880 I don't question. 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:02.680 I was gonna say, like what what was the like, 0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:06.800 what was the factor that you were like shift from 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:10.120 this is my belief system to hey, let me explore 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:12.920 all these things to actually like figure out what it 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:14.000 is that I actually believe. 0:16:14.160 --> 0:16:15.680 Honestly, I think a lot of it had to do 0:16:15.760 --> 0:16:19.120 with just being propelled into the industry. It's completely different 0:16:19.200 --> 0:16:21.200 from you know, a Christian household. 0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:23.360 Definitely a question make you a question. 0:16:23.160 --> 0:16:24.920 Everything, Yeah, it makes it makes you question. 0:16:25.000 --> 0:16:26.800 And a lot of the people that I was around, 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.600 my bandmates and you know, some of the cool artists 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:31.280 and friends that I was able to meet, you know, 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:35.120 are completely walk different walks of life from myself. And 0:16:36.400 --> 0:16:39.040 I think a lot of it too. There's somebody who's 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:42.040 very special. He was my pianist and he. 0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:44.880 Would help like do choreography and he's just so sweet. 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:46.760 His name is Scotty. He now lives in Costa Rica. 0:16:46.840 --> 0:16:47.680 Good for him. 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:49.680 I will be the. 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:53.880 Year's but he but. 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:57.480 He grew up and obviously it's not my story to tell, 0:16:57.520 --> 0:16:59.840 but he did grow up as a Jehovah's witness. 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:06.000 But he is gay and he had to grow up 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:06.320 with that. 0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:09.680 And you know, his family like completely cutting him off 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:13.080 and I just didn't. I didn't understand, you know, because 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:15.720 I'm like, why, you're amazing, Like why would somebody do that? 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:18.359 And then in terms of like you know, loving people, 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:19.320 you know, you love who you. 0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:22.359 Love, and I just we would have conversations and I 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:24.840 would get emotional because I'm like, I don't understand, I 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:27.879 don't understand why this is so hard for people to grasp. 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:31.000 Like look even now, I'm just like, I don't I 0:17:31.000 --> 0:17:34.639 don't get it. And I'm sorry. I'm coming off of 0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:37.080 my that time of the month, so everything is like huluah. 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:40.119 But I'm also very a very empathetic person, and I 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:43.520 just that doesn't make sense to me. 0:17:43.680 --> 0:17:45.760 We cry here, girl, Yeah, it just it doesn't. 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:47.040 It doesn't make sense. And I know I'm in a 0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:47.600 safe space. 0:17:47.640 --> 0:17:51.080 But that I think was the first I don't remember 0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:53.320 what year that was or what time, but it was 0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:58.280 eighteen to nineteen where I just was like, okay, and 0:17:58.280 --> 0:18:00.240 I've always been a little bit different than my family. 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:02.119 My grandpa one time, I'll never forget. 0:18:02.160 --> 0:18:04.600 You know, those little tests they used to have where okay, 0:18:04.640 --> 0:18:06.480 you're you fall on this side of the scale or 0:18:06.520 --> 0:18:08.440 this side of the scale, and it was a Democrat 0:18:08.480 --> 0:18:11.200 or Republican, And I was right in the middle, and my. 0:18:11.160 --> 0:18:16.080 Grandpa looked at me like what And that's it. I'm 0:18:16.080 --> 0:18:17.960 just answering the questions the way I think. 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:21.200 So I've I've always been a little bit not necessarily 0:18:21.200 --> 0:18:23.520 a black sheep, but I've always thought differently, and I 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:27.360 feel like I've had a more open mind. Not saying 0:18:27.400 --> 0:18:30.479 that my family is crazy or bigoting, because they're not. 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:33.720 They're the most loving people. But I think you know, 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:36.159 when you're raised one way and you learned it all 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:38.639 the time, most people stay there because they need that 0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:41.920 because it's the it's the structure that they've that they've learned. 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:44.560 And I don't want to say fed, but basically. 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:46.800 We're programmed anyways. 0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:49.000 You know, it's familiar, it's comfortable, it's what you're a 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:49.720 doctrine too. 0:18:49.920 --> 0:18:51.280 Yeah, we talked about that in our book. 0:18:51.320 --> 0:18:54.080 It's just like we're coming to the world as like 0:18:54.080 --> 0:18:56.920 like canvases exactly. And I liked this is not a 0:18:57.000 --> 0:19:00.720 great example, but I always say, like, like pets were domesticated, 0:19:01.200 --> 0:19:03.639 like sit, stay, you know what I mean. So like 0:19:04.560 --> 0:19:07.280 even as moms, we we kind of we do we 0:19:07.359 --> 0:19:08.240 domesticate our kids. 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:10.679 Hey, don't grab that. Hey, don't stare, Hey don't. 0:19:10.640 --> 0:19:12.040 We don't believe this, don't don't believe that? 0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:13.879 Yeah, like no, no, no, no, we don't say that, you know. 0:19:13.920 --> 0:19:17.359 And it's just we have this like incredible responsibility to 0:19:17.880 --> 0:19:21.879 gift our kids with either you know, just continuing that 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:24.120 cycle and saying this is what we believe and that's that, 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:28.800 or giving them the gift of curiosity and exploration. 0:19:28.400 --> 0:19:29.560 And like what do you believe? 0:19:29.640 --> 0:19:29.879 You know? 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:31.760 I think, what do you think? 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:34.280 You always ask you what? I don't know? Like, okay, 0:19:34.280 --> 0:19:35.240 well that's a good answer to. 0:19:35.480 --> 0:19:38.159 Right, It's okay, I don't know either, yeah, you know, 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:41.879 And I think I think more moms need to hear that, 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:44.800 you know that you you can't believe whatever you want 0:19:44.800 --> 0:19:47.080 to believe, but you don't have to necessarily, like your 0:19:47.240 --> 0:19:49.639 child doesn't have to be born into your beliefs for 0:19:49.680 --> 0:19:54.840 them to, you know, because everybody we're literally spirits, souls 0:19:54.880 --> 0:19:57.760 that come through and we're just in a vessel. 0:19:58.800 --> 0:19:59.159 Literally. 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:01.440 We also think it's the don't I think a lot 0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:04.800 of times, because how we are, how we're raised, we 0:20:04.920 --> 0:20:08.199 know certain things don't add up to us, but we 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:10.919 still resist it. You know, we still go against it, 0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:13.760 and we follow suit. And it's okay to change your mind. 0:20:13.920 --> 0:20:16.720 It's okay to question. You don't have to abandon all 0:20:16.720 --> 0:20:19.640 the parts of your religion because you don't agree with 0:20:19.680 --> 0:20:23.440 this whatever this this chapter or this verse or whatever 0:20:23.640 --> 0:20:26.639 whatever it is. There's I think beauty in all of it, 0:20:26.800 --> 0:20:29.360 even and you know, I can't say that I'm a Christian. 0:20:29.640 --> 0:20:33.639 I'm I'm a spiritualist. I know people listening are like, 0:20:33.680 --> 0:20:36.960 what the fuck does that mean? The God lives within me, 0:20:37.160 --> 0:20:39.359 That's what it means. I make the fucking rules. 0:20:39.480 --> 0:20:40.200 I believe in love. 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:43.000 I believe in love I do. I believe in kindness. 0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:45.239 I believe that there is something much bigger than us 0:20:45.280 --> 0:20:50.800 here that that controls what's happening. But I think that 0:20:51.840 --> 0:20:54.400 it's so funny. The other day, my housekeeper, I'm gonna 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:58.440 shore the story my housekeeper. She is. I don't really 0:20:58.440 --> 0:21:01.240 know her that well, ignough she's in my home. She 0:21:02.440 --> 0:21:06.480 I knew she was like pretty religious based on a mom. 0:21:06.560 --> 0:21:08.480 The mom's referraled like she was referred to me from 0:21:08.480 --> 0:21:10.960 another mom. She's like, Oh, she's Betty's pretty religious. I 0:21:11.000 --> 0:21:12.800 was like, I don't care if Betty's religious as long 0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:16.480 as she's you know, safe and cleans my house. He's 0:21:16.560 --> 0:21:18.720 kind and so, you know, me and Betty have you 0:21:18.960 --> 0:21:21.879 had a few conversations, something too deep, but she was 0:21:21.880 --> 0:21:23.680 seemed like a kind lady and she is a kind lady. 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:27.240 But anyway, I was out of town and my my 0:21:27.359 --> 0:21:30.320 brother went over there and he's gay, and he I 0:21:30.320 --> 0:21:32.639 think he'd been there before. He had they've had to 0:21:32.640 --> 0:21:36.720 cross cross paths before, but maybe she had never seen 0:21:36.760 --> 0:21:40.920 him be intimate with his partner, like kiss him. Yeah, 0:21:40.960 --> 0:21:43.679 and so he I guess they were kissing or something. 0:21:43.720 --> 0:21:45.840 And then on the way out in Spanish, she must 0:21:45.840 --> 0:21:49.840 have said like, you guys need salvation or something, and 0:21:49.840 --> 0:21:51.800 and he didn't really understand what it meant. But his 0:21:52.000 --> 0:21:54.680 boyfriend is, uh, I think, I don't want to say 0:21:54.680 --> 0:21:56.560 he's like El Salvatorian or something. He was like, she 0:21:56.680 --> 0:21:59.159 just said we need salvation. So my brother called me 0:21:59.200 --> 0:22:03.400 and was like, listen, you either you will say something. 0:22:03.440 --> 0:22:05.960 I'm gonna say something. And I was like and he 0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:08.480 and I cannot leave it up to him. It will 0:22:08.520 --> 0:22:11.720 not go well. So I was like, okay, well let 0:22:11.760 --> 0:22:16.439 me handle it. And so Betty came over and I 0:22:16.480 --> 0:22:19.600 was like, hey, Betty, so listen, I heard that, you know, 0:22:19.640 --> 0:22:21.360 when you met my brother. She's like, oh, yeah, yeah, 0:22:21.400 --> 0:22:23.719 I know your brother. And I was like, so I 0:22:23.720 --> 0:22:26.760 heard you said he needs salvation and she's like yeah 0:22:27.000 --> 0:22:30.520 I did. And I was like, okay, well is it 0:22:30.520 --> 0:22:33.920 because he's gay? She said yeah. I was like okay, 0:22:33.920 --> 0:22:36.040 I was really hoping you were going to say no, 0:22:37.920 --> 0:22:39.600 because I really need you to clean this house. 0:22:39.720 --> 0:22:42.879 Yes, right, and and she was like yeah no. 0:22:42.960 --> 0:22:44.720 You know, I used to be a really big center Erica. 0:22:45.000 --> 0:22:46.879 And then actually I asked Talie. I was like, was 0:22:46.920 --> 0:22:47.640 Betty a big sinner? 0:22:48.680 --> 0:22:48.840 Yeah? 0:22:48.880 --> 0:22:50.280 She was like she was like a thug back in 0:22:50.280 --> 0:22:51.919 the day. And I was like what I was like, 0:22:52.640 --> 0:22:56.880 was Betty doing anyway? She was like she was not 0:22:56.920 --> 0:22:58.760 living a good life. That's what she said. 0:22:58.920 --> 0:23:00.120 I have questions. 0:23:00.359 --> 0:23:03.480 So you know, I was like, well, Betty, like that's 0:23:03.520 --> 0:23:05.760 my brother and like this is his life and like 0:23:06.440 --> 0:23:08.879 he should live it and you made him feel really uncomfortable. 0:23:08.880 --> 0:23:11.359 And she was like, well, that's just my belief system. 0:23:11.359 --> 0:23:12.560 And I was like, well, I need you to leave 0:23:12.560 --> 0:23:14.919 your belief system at the door. And she was like, well, 0:23:15.720 --> 0:23:18.080 I don't think I should work for you because I 0:23:18.080 --> 0:23:20.040 don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. And then I 0:23:20.080 --> 0:23:21.960 was kind of like almost started to backpedal. 0:23:21.600 --> 0:23:25.840 Like well, I really need just come over. 0:23:26.440 --> 0:23:28.840 But then I was like, okay, consciously this I can't 0:23:28.840 --> 0:23:32.040 have this, This can't this can't be. But she was, 0:23:32.080 --> 0:23:34.639 you know, it was fine. We were we we ended 0:23:34.840 --> 0:23:37.840 just fine or whatever, but you know, she was. 0:23:38.520 --> 0:23:41.800 She's civil conversations. It's easy to talk through things, like, 0:23:41.920 --> 0:23:42.639 it's so simple. 0:23:42.760 --> 0:23:43.800 We can all do it. 0:23:43.800 --> 0:23:46.000 It did, it did. But I was just like, damn, 0:23:46.160 --> 0:23:48.800 like and I said to her, I was like, it's like, 0:23:49.080 --> 0:23:52.719 your God doesn't believe that everyone should experience love, Like 0:23:52.760 --> 0:23:53.760 what does your God believe? 0:23:53.800 --> 0:23:56.040 And she's like that kind of getting to the bottom. 0:23:56.200 --> 0:23:57.919 I really did, because I was really hoping we can 0:23:57.920 --> 0:24:01.000 come to a common ground because I need this. Damn it. 0:24:02.720 --> 0:24:07.040 He only likes men. I think he's tried, genuinely, I do. 0:24:07.280 --> 0:24:11.720 He really did with me, you know, so no, this 0:24:11.800 --> 0:24:14.080 is not my real brother. Guys. Sorry, let me let 0:24:14.119 --> 0:24:15.920 me let me rewind. That sounds weird. 0:24:15.960 --> 0:24:16.600 That sounds weird. 0:24:17.000 --> 0:24:22.920 Please clarify you're not blood brother. But anyway, I don't 0:24:22.920 --> 0:24:24.480 know where that care. I think I was going off 0:24:24.520 --> 0:24:28.040 of just like people's belief systems and just there's understanding 0:24:28.119 --> 0:24:32.119 of these putting into box like what love is supposed 0:24:32.160 --> 0:24:34.160 to look like and how love is supposed to show 0:24:34.240 --> 0:24:37.320 up and how it relates to your life, and you know, 0:24:37.640 --> 0:24:40.119 you can love people and like I love Betty, I 0:24:40.160 --> 0:24:42.680 wish her the best. I want her best for Betty, 0:24:43.000 --> 0:24:45.639 but I also had to like protect my brother, you know, 0:24:45.760 --> 0:24:48.959 because he's he's in being my house always and being 0:24:49.000 --> 0:24:51.480 my life always, and I have to respect his comfortability 0:24:51.560 --> 0:24:54.159 in those ways and protect him. So I don't know, 0:24:54.240 --> 0:24:57.880 I just like those parts of that part of any religion. 0:24:58.480 --> 0:25:00.880 It's always something that makes me feel rich, uncomfortable. I'm 0:25:00.920 --> 0:25:03.320 just like, why this doesn't make any sense to me. 0:25:04.520 --> 0:25:06.399 One of of all the things, like there are so 0:25:06.400 --> 0:25:08.560 many other things we could be getting mad about, like 0:25:08.640 --> 0:25:12.639 but who someone loves just doesn't anyway. Yeah, So I 0:25:12.960 --> 0:25:14.760 agree with you, and I think it's amazing that you 0:25:14.760 --> 0:25:17.439 were able to do both things in love. You were 0:25:17.440 --> 0:25:19.320 able to protect your brother in love and you were 0:25:19.640 --> 0:25:22.639 able to speak to Betty in a way that didn't 0:25:22.640 --> 0:25:24.960 make her feel like you were like, well, if you 0:25:25.040 --> 0:25:26.080 and everything you believe in. 0:25:26.119 --> 0:25:27.879 And you know what Betty called the other day did 0:25:28.080 --> 0:25:30.760 because she did because I paid her and I must 0:25:30.760 --> 0:25:33.280 have overpaid her. And then she said, you overpaid me if. 0:25:33.200 --> 0:25:34.880 She wasn't a Christian, would I know? 0:25:35.119 --> 0:25:38.240 I said, you know, look at God, God it's still 0:25:38.480 --> 0:25:38.920 in motion. 0:25:39.400 --> 0:25:42.600 Not protect me even though I'm not a Christian. 0:25:42.840 --> 0:25:44.240 Don't give that money to me. You know what I 0:25:44.280 --> 0:25:46.440 also did tell Betty? I said, Betty, just so you know, 0:25:46.520 --> 0:25:48.200 you know, all the people that I put you onto, 0:25:48.359 --> 0:25:53.480 like who you're working for, they're gay as fuck? Did 0:25:53.600 --> 0:25:53.920 I said? 0:25:54.440 --> 0:25:54.720 Everybody? 0:25:55.000 --> 0:25:58.160 Was like I just hope you know, like everyone's gay. 0:25:59.000 --> 0:26:00.200 Good luck sanctifying every. 0:26:00.400 --> 0:26:03.000 Yeah, well, I mean now she can make her own decision. 0:26:03.359 --> 0:26:05.400 Betty had guys to see all the vibrators, and where 0:26:05.440 --> 0:26:07.080 should I have in that drawer? I don't know how 0:26:07.119 --> 0:26:09.399 she thought she was working for who she thought she 0:26:09.440 --> 0:26:10.200 was working for? Over here? 0:26:10.560 --> 0:26:12.199 She didn't talk to you. She was hoping that she 0:26:12.240 --> 0:26:13.560 could just keep keeping her lane. 0:26:13.640 --> 0:26:16.600 She's got a drawer too, right, Okay, Jesus didn't say 0:26:16.600 --> 0:26:17.359 nothing about vibrating. 0:26:17.400 --> 0:26:19.640 Look, Betty might have a whole gun and she might 0:26:19.720 --> 0:26:21.920 have weapons, okay, because she was living the thug life. 0:26:22.080 --> 0:26:24.200 Okay, something I could kind of see that, right, She 0:26:24.440 --> 0:26:26.000 was like her, like, she's kind of like stone cold. 0:26:26.359 --> 0:26:27.760 I can kind of see her. She was wearing those 0:26:27.800 --> 0:26:30.800 long skirts. I could see her being like a little I've. 0:26:30.600 --> 0:26:32.399 Gotten scared of her, I mean, and that. 0:26:32.400 --> 0:26:33.080 Would come to your house. 0:26:33.119 --> 0:26:37.680 I like, Hi, I'm like, okay, well never mind, Betty, 0:26:37.720 --> 0:26:38.359 I'm not I guess we're. 0:26:38.240 --> 0:26:38.880 Not gonna be cool. 0:26:40.160 --> 0:26:40.760 Oh my god. 0:26:40.760 --> 0:26:43.680 Anyway, that's my thing with religion. It's just so black 0:26:43.760 --> 0:26:44.080 or white. 0:26:44.240 --> 0:26:47.320 I was I was seeing a clip for somebody's show 0:26:47.640 --> 0:26:50.159 and they were like so. The guy was like, you know, 0:26:50.480 --> 0:26:54.399 I'm a god fearing man, I'm a query And she 0:26:54.520 --> 0:26:56.120 was like, no, which one is it. 0:26:57.119 --> 0:26:59.840 I was like, well, you can't can't be both like it. 0:27:00.000 --> 0:27:02.080 It's just so like this is this, and this is 0:27:02.119 --> 0:27:04.119 that you can't be gay and you can't eat shrimp. 0:27:04.160 --> 0:27:06.240 I don't know I say that up, but you know 0:27:06.280 --> 0:27:07.359 what I mean. It's just like. 0:27:08.960 --> 0:27:09.720 Human box. 0:27:10.080 --> 0:27:13.240 Yes, humans are so multifaceted. 0:27:13.320 --> 0:27:16.320 It's just like impossible for us all to live in 0:27:16.359 --> 0:27:20.280 these like sectors and like and then there's like the 0:27:20.280 --> 0:27:23.560 the need to protect it and if you get outside 0:27:23.560 --> 0:27:24.760 of this then you're wrong. 0:27:25.000 --> 0:27:26.960 Yeah, and like that it creates. 0:27:26.560 --> 0:27:28.960 So much violence, you know, like just trying to defend 0:27:29.000 --> 0:27:32.320 this thing, this thing because for no fucking reason, because. 0:27:32.080 --> 0:27:33.159 I don't really care who you have. 0:27:33.280 --> 0:27:35.120 I don't care who you love. You know, in reality, 0:27:35.119 --> 0:27:36.280 it doesn't stop my show. 0:27:36.680 --> 0:27:39.480 But like the belief that I can't work for you 0:27:39.600 --> 0:27:42.560 or I can't coexist with you if you do X, 0:27:42.680 --> 0:27:46.240 Y and Z, it just seems so like it seems unfair. 0:27:46.880 --> 0:27:50.680 It's unfair, and it's also it's also you do yourself 0:27:50.680 --> 0:27:53.960 a disservice by not getting to know different people other 0:27:54.040 --> 0:27:56.640 than yourself and other people from other walks of life, 0:27:56.680 --> 0:28:00.680 because I feel like I meet such cool people all 0:28:00.680 --> 0:28:01.080 the time. 0:28:01.280 --> 0:28:02.680 Like it's so amazing. 0:28:02.720 --> 0:28:04.920 I was able to go to this event that I 0:28:04.960 --> 0:28:07.520 probably would have never been to had I not met 0:28:07.640 --> 0:28:09.320 It was like a snowball effect, like I met this 0:28:09.359 --> 0:28:10.800 one person they invited me. 0:28:11.160 --> 0:28:11.840 I ended up going. 0:28:11.880 --> 0:28:13.639 It was the next night, and I was like, it 0:28:13.720 --> 0:28:16.240 was like a treasure trove of people. Normally, when I 0:28:16.280 --> 0:28:19.000 go into an event, I know what everybody does. I'm like, Okay, 0:28:19.040 --> 0:28:22.040 you seeing you podcasts, you produce, you are a songwriter, 0:28:22.200 --> 0:28:24.600 Like I'm usually like within the scope of okay, you're 0:28:24.600 --> 0:28:27.840 all in entertainment. This particular room, I had no idea 0:28:27.840 --> 0:28:30.199 what anybody did. I just knew that there was a 0:28:30.200 --> 0:28:32.320 lot of money in the room, but I didn't know 0:28:32.400 --> 0:28:34.560 what anybody did. So there were some people who were 0:28:34.600 --> 0:28:37.560 in like affordable housing, real estate, there were some people 0:28:37.600 --> 0:28:39.720 who were in banking. There was and I just was like, well, 0:28:39.760 --> 0:28:40.800 how did you get into that? 0:28:41.040 --> 0:28:41.280 You know? 0:28:41.480 --> 0:28:43.560 So for me, it was just so cool and I 0:28:43.560 --> 0:28:44.480 felt so enriched. 0:28:44.560 --> 0:28:47.840 Like I left, and normally I feel drained leaving from 0:28:48.960 --> 0:28:51.560 events and things like that, but this time, I was 0:28:51.640 --> 0:28:54.760 just very excited to be able to just meet new 0:28:54.800 --> 0:28:56.959 people from different walks of life. And I just I 0:28:57.000 --> 0:28:59.840 know that's not religious, but it's just an example of 0:29:00.080 --> 0:29:01.080 you never know, but I. 0:29:01.000 --> 0:29:02.040 Feel like it is right. 0:29:02.080 --> 0:29:05.640 I feel like like the divinity lives and being open 0:29:05.960 --> 0:29:09.000 because like if you are able to flow freely, that's 0:29:09.080 --> 0:29:12.160 you kind of being able to flow with God, you know. Like, 0:29:12.160 --> 0:29:15.880 but if there's so many rules about like what God 0:29:15.920 --> 0:29:18.880 looks like or how people show up in this like space, 0:29:19.240 --> 0:29:21.600 you're kind of Oh, you make judgments and you put 0:29:21.640 --> 0:29:23.520 up walls like, oh you do are you now? 0:29:23.520 --> 0:29:25.120 I'm cool? Oh? You do you know what I mean? 0:29:25.240 --> 0:29:25.320 You do? 0:29:25.440 --> 0:29:26.360 Taro? Oh I'm cool? 0:29:26.400 --> 0:29:29.400 But like I think God's the true essence of God 0:29:29.520 --> 0:29:32.840 is the slow and like I think people don't pay 0:29:32.960 --> 0:29:33.840 enough attention to that. 0:29:33.960 --> 0:29:35.120 Like you go around. 0:29:34.920 --> 0:29:36.479 People and you feel trained, or like I just want 0:29:36.520 --> 0:29:39.160 to sit a whole fucking four hours talking about nothing. Yeah, 0:29:39.360 --> 0:29:42.320 or like you come around strangers and you're laughing and 0:29:42.320 --> 0:29:45.800 you're getting enlightened you and you leave feeling energized, and 0:29:45.840 --> 0:29:48.600 like that's your intuition telling you to continue here, you know, 0:29:48.640 --> 0:29:50.600 and just like you said, like you go to this part, 0:29:50.640 --> 0:29:52.160 you meet this one person, then you say, fuck it, 0:29:52.160 --> 0:29:54.280 I'm gonna go to go hang out with this random 0:29:54.320 --> 0:29:55.160 person the next day. 0:29:55.280 --> 0:29:56.680 Like I went out two nights in a row. I 0:29:56.720 --> 0:29:58.680 couldn't believe I was anger. 0:29:58.760 --> 0:29:59.240 Who am I? 0:29:59.400 --> 0:29:59.600 Right? 0:30:00.400 --> 0:30:03.600 But we're so conditioned to go against that. Like even 0:30:03.640 --> 0:30:06.680 me and Erica became friends because like God was like, hey, 0:30:06.760 --> 0:30:08.600 go to the bar and meet this bitch. But that 0:30:08.600 --> 0:30:11.959 that is not necessarily how generally, like we had to 0:30:12.160 --> 0:30:14.840 be open enough to kind of just like follow that 0:30:15.160 --> 0:30:18.600 divine calling which is our intuition. But like I think 0:30:18.760 --> 0:30:22.120 religion sometimes conflicts with that divine calling, which is your 0:30:22.120 --> 0:30:23.000 intuition to be like. 0:30:23.160 --> 0:30:24.480 You know, I'm gonna go with these strangers. 0:30:24.600 --> 0:30:26.920 Yeah, you know, they seem interesting, you know, and like 0:30:27.640 --> 0:30:33.560 people kind of limit themselves and like the experiences and 0:30:33.600 --> 0:30:36.120 the people that they could have just from being like 0:30:36.400 --> 0:30:40.680 open to following your gut instinct, which is really your 0:30:40.720 --> 0:30:41.680 direct it's never. 0:30:41.520 --> 0:30:42.880 Wrong, the direct source to God. 0:30:43.000 --> 0:30:44.680 Yeah, like that's our source. 0:30:44.880 --> 0:30:45.120 Yeah. 0:30:45.560 --> 0:30:47.520 I think actually, now that we're talking about this, it 0:30:47.520 --> 0:30:50.480 does go back and apply to when I was younger 0:30:50.520 --> 0:30:54.080 because I had I had a purity ring and that 0:30:54.160 --> 0:30:56.600 was all anybody wanted to talk about after I was 0:30:56.600 --> 0:30:58.720 on idol because somebody asked me about it and I 0:30:58.800 --> 0:31:00.680 just saw, it's my peery ring and it just it 0:31:00.920 --> 0:31:01.400 just took off. 0:31:01.400 --> 0:31:02.720 But you had a peer dring before you were on 0:31:02.800 --> 0:31:03.600 I parody ring? 0:31:03.640 --> 0:31:03.920 Is you? 0:31:04.280 --> 0:31:06.240 Because I don't. It's just like your virgin Is that 0:31:06.320 --> 0:31:09.160 like you saying I'm a virgin or I'm. 0:31:08.280 --> 0:31:11.480 I'm wait, Well, I'm making the commitment to wait until marriage. 0:31:11.520 --> 0:31:11.760 Got it? 0:31:11.880 --> 0:31:15.280 That was that was what it was what I took 0:31:15.280 --> 0:31:15.560 it at. 0:31:15.600 --> 0:31:17.000 And you do it with like a group of other 0:31:17.080 --> 0:31:18.920 girls too, right, it. 0:31:18.920 --> 0:31:21.240 Was around the same time. I didn't do it with them. 0:31:21.240 --> 0:31:22.880 It was just between me and my parents. 0:31:23.880 --> 0:31:26.000 Was that a conversation that you brought up or something 0:31:26.000 --> 0:31:28.920 that they I'm just I'm always curious, like, is it 0:31:29.000 --> 0:31:30.600 I don't remember, you know, I was not. Yeah, I 0:31:30.640 --> 0:31:32.360 was wondering if it was like something your parents were like, hey, 0:31:32.400 --> 0:31:34.800 this is an option you should do, or you're like. 0:31:34.920 --> 0:31:38.280 It kind of went it coincided with she's about. 0:31:38.040 --> 0:31:41.360 To be famous. No, I don't know to Hollywood. 0:31:41.880 --> 0:31:45.360 I was. I was thirteen when we had that conversation, 0:31:45.520 --> 0:31:49.280 and I was going to a private Christian school as well, 0:31:49.360 --> 0:31:52.480 and so it kind of coincided with our health talk 0:31:52.560 --> 0:31:54.800 like how you're going to become a woman and that 0:31:54.840 --> 0:31:58.200 whole like you're going to get your period soon and all. 0:31:58.440 --> 0:32:00.760 So your parents did have the talks or is it 0:32:00.800 --> 0:32:02.719 just one time. I'm curious, like, because you know, it's 0:32:02.720 --> 0:32:06.720 always so different with parents, especially now, like some parents 0:32:06.760 --> 0:32:08.560 don't have to talk at all. Some parents have one 0:32:08.600 --> 0:32:10.240 talk and they're like, Okay, we did it, We're done you. 0:32:10.480 --> 0:32:13.760 I mean, we were never sheltered at least in my home. 0:32:14.000 --> 0:32:16.360 Like the school, all the kids had different experiences. But 0:32:16.680 --> 0:32:18.120 I mean I knew what sex was, I knew all 0:32:18.120 --> 0:32:20.160 that stuff like that. It wasn't it wasn't like that. 0:32:20.280 --> 0:32:24.400 It was more like, hey, we got you this ring 0:32:24.800 --> 0:32:29.600 and you know to wait until you're married. And at 0:32:29.640 --> 0:32:31.600 the time, growing up in the school, it made sense 0:32:31.800 --> 0:32:33.680 and everybody was doing Yeah, it made sense to me, 0:32:33.720 --> 0:32:35.800 and I was okay. And I also wasn't the type 0:32:35.840 --> 0:32:37.920 of person who was very curious. 0:32:37.520 --> 0:32:41.440 In that way anyway. I think I was. 0:32:43.240 --> 0:32:47.440 Curious about what it felt like, but I wasn't curious 0:32:47.600 --> 0:32:49.840 enough to do it, if that makes sense. 0:32:49.880 --> 0:32:51.960 I was like, I'm too scared. And also I was 0:32:52.000 --> 0:32:54.760 focused on music. I was not thinking about anything like 0:32:54.880 --> 0:32:58.280 that got this nice. I was like, I'm good, I'm great. 0:32:59.440 --> 0:33:02.200 But going back to what I was saying on the 0:33:02.240 --> 0:33:04.840 part of how it kind of like seeped into my 0:33:04.880 --> 0:33:08.920 identity because everybody that was all they wanted to talk about, 0:33:08.960 --> 0:33:10.960 and then like once I was in a relationship, that 0:33:11.040 --> 0:33:14.200 was all they wanted to talk about, and yeah, or 0:33:14.280 --> 0:33:16.280 like this person took her virginity. I'm like, y'all don't 0:33:16.320 --> 0:33:19.000 know that, first of all. Second, I'm not gonna tell 0:33:19.000 --> 0:33:22.880 you that. Like it just became this huge thing. And 0:33:22.920 --> 0:33:26.720 I think as some a young woman trying to navigate 0:33:26.800 --> 0:33:29.680 her twenties as well as trying to navigate who I 0:33:29.720 --> 0:33:33.160 am in the public eye, I think it played a 0:33:33.160 --> 0:33:36.440 lot into my decision making on like the type of 0:33:37.000 --> 0:33:40.520 music that I allowed myself to do, but also that 0:33:40.920 --> 0:33:42.200 I was allowed to do. 0:33:43.000 --> 0:33:44.640 I had the box like, no, you're. 0:33:44.440 --> 0:33:45.920 Here no secular music. 0:33:46.040 --> 0:33:49.240 Yeah, well not even that because I didn't do gospel music. 0:33:49.080 --> 0:33:50.840 Or anything like that's non gospel secular. 0:33:51.040 --> 0:33:51.200 Yeah. 0:33:51.240 --> 0:33:53.680 I just mean like like I couldn't go out like 0:33:53.840 --> 0:33:55.920 R and B. Like my third album was way more 0:33:56.040 --> 0:33:58.720 R and B, way more sensual. I was twenty five. 0:33:58.800 --> 0:34:01.760 I was like really coming in to my womanhood, and 0:34:02.480 --> 0:34:04.040 I think it was one of my best albums, to 0:34:04.080 --> 0:34:08.080 be honest. But from the outside looking in, people. 0:34:07.760 --> 0:34:08.840 Were like, what is this? 0:34:08.840 --> 0:34:09.680 This makes sense? 0:34:10.040 --> 0:34:11.600 And I'm like, but it does make sense, Like this 0:34:11.640 --> 0:34:14.439 is not You're like, how do you know who I am? 0:34:14.680 --> 0:34:16.080 I'm a woman exactly. 0:34:16.239 --> 0:34:18.040 And so now I feel like at this point in 0:34:18.080 --> 0:34:20.279 my life, I'm just at the point where I'm just 0:34:20.320 --> 0:34:23.640 like why I'm unapologetic with it, if that makes sense, 0:34:23.640 --> 0:34:24.360 Like you're gonna. 0:34:24.160 --> 0:34:24.719 Get what you get. 0:34:24.760 --> 0:34:27.239 I've always I've always one hundred percent by myself. I've 0:34:27.280 --> 0:34:32.520 never tried to hide like my goofiness or anything like that. 0:34:33.080 --> 0:34:35.560 Romantically and romantic relationships is a little bit different. Because 0:34:35.600 --> 0:34:38.440 the mental space is different there. But in terms of 0:34:38.480 --> 0:34:40.840 like who I am with people, I am this is 0:34:40.880 --> 0:34:42.960 what you get. I'm just gonna chill with you and 0:34:43.000 --> 0:34:45.520 we're gonna sit and have a good time, and you know, 0:34:45.600 --> 0:34:47.839 we might talk about something deep. Hopefully we'll talk about 0:34:47.880 --> 0:34:50.000 something deep, because I like to talk about deep things. 0:34:50.719 --> 0:34:53.680 But you know, I just I always have my this 0:34:53.719 --> 0:34:55.920 tattoo right here is I like that thank you? My 0:34:55.960 --> 0:34:58.320 angel wings is a reminder to just keep my wings 0:34:58.320 --> 0:35:01.440 out for other people, like when I'm out, just you know, 0:35:01.520 --> 0:35:03.560 to be aware that other people have needs. You never 0:35:03.600 --> 0:35:06.840 know what they're going through. And I always have that 0:35:06.880 --> 0:35:08.600 moment where I'm like, okay, I gotta recharge. It takes 0:35:08.600 --> 0:35:10.200 me a second. Like the Grammys, you won't see me 0:35:10.239 --> 0:35:12.759 for like five weeks. After that, I'm like, okay, too 0:35:12.800 --> 0:35:14.880 much energetically, yeah. 0:35:15.560 --> 0:35:17.959 Yeah, people like people don't recognize when you're a public 0:35:18.040 --> 0:35:19.920 figure in ways and you're talking to people and you're 0:35:19.960 --> 0:35:24.160 out and you're traveling, it's it wears on your energy levels. 0:35:24.920 --> 0:35:27.080 It's so funny. This is like I was. 0:35:27.280 --> 0:35:29.160 I was in New York and I was having a conversation. 0:35:29.239 --> 0:35:31.719 We're like playing a game and I don't even know 0:35:31.760 --> 0:35:35.240 why this came up, but like Holly not very Holly. 0:35:35.760 --> 0:35:39.040 The singer made Allie Clo Chloe Club, which one's not 0:35:39.080 --> 0:35:42.800 arial Halle Bailey Chloe Chloe Bailey. Yeah, and it was 0:35:42.840 --> 0:35:44.920 with another woman and she got first while I was 0:35:44.960 --> 0:35:46.520 in New York. She got super aggressive and I was 0:35:46.560 --> 0:35:47.960 like whoa And. 0:35:47.920 --> 0:35:49.760 She's like, yeah, she's trying to be a sex symbol. 0:35:49.800 --> 0:35:52.560 She's patting her pussy on stage and like she just 0:35:52.560 --> 0:35:54.160 just needs to figure out like her music, like her 0:35:54.160 --> 0:35:55.080 fans aren't fucking with it. 0:35:55.160 --> 0:35:57.239 And I was like, okay, wow, that's a lot. I 0:35:57.280 --> 0:35:59.200 was like, okay, first of all, okay, Like I was 0:35:59.239 --> 0:36:00.040 just like your. 0:36:00.080 --> 0:36:02.640 Feelings, I don't know what a Cloe not you. I'm like, 0:36:02.640 --> 0:36:03.600 what did Chloe do to her? 0:36:03.800 --> 0:36:04.040 Girl? 0:36:04.960 --> 0:36:06.520 Me and this girl were like cool, and then she 0:36:06.560 --> 0:36:08.600 started talking. I was like, do you hate me? And 0:36:08.640 --> 0:36:10.160 I was like, I just want to clarify, like I 0:36:10.200 --> 0:36:13.960 haven't heard the album, but I was like, as a woman, 0:36:14.160 --> 0:36:17.959 I recognize that like being a public figure and being 0:36:18.080 --> 0:36:20.280 like twenty to twenty five, there's. 0:36:20.080 --> 0:36:22.759 A huge transformation that happens. 0:36:22.800 --> 0:36:24.239 And I was like, and we may not know what 0:36:24.280 --> 0:36:26.160 the fuck she's going through except for the fact that 0:36:26.160 --> 0:36:28.479 I'm a woman and between twenty and twenty five, bitch 0:36:28.600 --> 0:36:31.720 was doing some things. Ye bitch was exploring, scratching the surface. 0:36:31.760 --> 0:36:34.520 I just peeled the bitch back. But I was just like, 0:36:34.680 --> 0:36:36.719 how can, like how come we just don't give her 0:36:36.760 --> 0:36:38.480 space to do that? Like why are we even having 0:36:38.520 --> 0:36:40.720 this conversation? And she's like, well, if you're an artist 0:36:40.800 --> 0:36:43.200 and you show up and like if your fans are 0:36:43.200 --> 0:36:45.000 telling you it's oh, this is what it was. Seems 0:36:45.040 --> 0:36:47.879 like she's trying too hard to be like the other 0:36:47.960 --> 0:36:50.080 girls who have like fake asses, and like there was 0:36:50.120 --> 0:36:51.080 this whole conversation. 0:36:51.160 --> 0:36:54.440 I was like, but we don't know that, Like we 0:36:54.440 --> 0:36:55.719 don't know who she's trying to be. She might be 0:36:55.760 --> 0:36:56.680 just trying to figure it out. 0:36:56.680 --> 0:36:59.400 She might be trying to be herself on Monday, you know, 0:36:59.560 --> 0:37:01.919 like just like it was so interesting and she got 0:37:01.960 --> 0:37:05.920 really like passionate about this conversation, and I was like, 0:37:06.520 --> 0:37:09.080 basically it was just like I'm not being realistic me 0:37:09.320 --> 0:37:12.400 because like the fans like are being real with her 0:37:12.480 --> 0:37:14.400 about what they want and what she's giving them. 0:37:14.600 --> 0:37:15.840 What does she work for the fans? 0:37:16.320 --> 0:37:17.400 Yes, that's what they're saying. 0:37:17.440 --> 0:37:20.799 Basically, And I was like definitely topsy turvy now with 0:37:20.960 --> 0:37:23.040 like a social media and everything like that, but I 0:37:23.160 --> 0:37:24.320 was just a little backwards. 0:37:24.360 --> 0:37:26.480 But I was like, but she's the artist, and like 0:37:26.600 --> 0:37:29.200 that's the thing about art, like you don't define. 0:37:28.840 --> 0:37:30.799 It, it evolves, you know. 0:37:30.960 --> 0:37:33.200 And I was just like, damn, Like even as black women, 0:37:33.239 --> 0:37:35.000 this is another black woman. We were having this conversation 0:37:35.360 --> 0:37:39.680 like with and I was just like, you're you a 0:37:39.880 --> 0:37:43.080 black woman. You're not even giving her this space to 0:37:43.320 --> 0:37:47.440 openly explore this same thing that maybe you know you 0:37:47.600 --> 0:37:51.360 actually experienced too, you know, and like because she's an artist, 0:37:51.440 --> 0:37:53.280 or because she's like you know what I mean, because 0:37:53.280 --> 0:37:55.000 you don't like it, or because this person said it's 0:37:55.040 --> 0:37:56.560 not what she's supposed to be doing or she does 0:37:56.880 --> 0:37:57.200 to you. 0:37:57.200 --> 0:37:59.400 It doesn't look comfortable, Like she might be very comfortable 0:37:59.400 --> 0:38:02.040 pop in that poot. She look comfortable to me, you 0:38:02.040 --> 0:38:02.680 know what I'm saying. 0:38:02.719 --> 0:38:05.920 But it was just like I can't imagine even for you, 0:38:05.920 --> 0:38:08.479 you know, And like this is right now, we're having 0:38:08.480 --> 0:38:11.279 this conversation, and there's like thinking of like the things 0:38:11.280 --> 0:38:13.880 that people were able to get away with asking you 0:38:13.920 --> 0:38:16.680 about your virginity when you're twenty years old, like yes, 0:38:16.840 --> 0:38:19.279 and younger and younger is like why, like why would 0:38:19.280 --> 0:38:21.440 it be okay for this grown ass person to be 0:38:21.480 --> 0:38:24.080 asking a child about her virginity publicly? 0:38:24.120 --> 0:38:28.839 And nobody said shit? And it's like, you know, there's a. 0:38:28.760 --> 0:38:31.120 Weird fascination with that. It happened with Britney Spears. 0:38:31.120 --> 0:38:33.319 I happen to have a lot of artists, and like, 0:38:34.080 --> 0:38:36.239 now that I'm older, in my thirties, I look back 0:38:36.239 --> 0:38:38.280 on a lot of the things that happened. 0:38:37.960 --> 0:38:40.680 Or were allowed in the media or whatever, and I'm like, 0:38:41.840 --> 0:38:42.720 what the fuck? 0:38:43.920 --> 0:38:46.560 Yeah, Like, as a mother, can you imagine someone interviewing 0:38:46.600 --> 0:38:47.799 your daughter asking her about that? 0:38:47.880 --> 0:38:49.279 And I'd be like, bitch, if you don't get like, 0:38:49.320 --> 0:38:49.879 who are you talking? 0:38:49.920 --> 0:38:50.120 Shit? 0:38:50.239 --> 0:38:52.479 You can take you can step, please go over here. 0:38:52.560 --> 0:38:56.040 Like it's just been It's been interesting to go back, 0:38:56.520 --> 0:38:59.000 because when you start healing yourself, you have to really 0:38:59.000 --> 0:38:59.840 go back to a lot of. 0:38:59.800 --> 0:39:00.480 Things that you. 0:39:02.440 --> 0:39:06.919 I'm really good at compartmentalizing. I'm really, really, really good 0:39:06.960 --> 0:39:12.040 at it. And I think because of the industry that 0:39:12.080 --> 0:39:14.160 I'm in and what I have to do and how 0:39:14.200 --> 0:39:17.000 things were then, I think I really just had to 0:39:17.040 --> 0:39:19.399 be able to do that and learn that skill I'm 0:39:19.480 --> 0:39:23.160 working on not being as good at it because something 0:39:23.200 --> 0:39:24.120 had happened and I can just. 0:39:24.040 --> 0:39:27.440 Be like, all right, put it away, got to keep 0:39:27.440 --> 0:39:28.280 going moving. 0:39:28.280 --> 0:39:31.000 Yeah, because okay, the show must go on, essentially like 0:39:31.239 --> 0:39:34.239 go And so in this process of the last few 0:39:34.320 --> 0:39:36.759 years and having kids also makes you really look too 0:39:36.920 --> 0:39:40.520 if you're aware enough to do the looking. If not, 0:39:40.800 --> 0:39:42.960 you just continue to do what you're doing. But having 0:39:43.000 --> 0:39:48.200 my son has really shaken me to my core, like, oh, like, 0:39:48.239 --> 0:39:50.000 why am I triggered by this? Because he's not doing 0:39:50.000 --> 0:39:52.200 anything wrong? Why am I triggered? Like so, I've had 0:39:52.239 --> 0:39:54.200 to do a lot of work, but it's also led 0:39:54.239 --> 0:39:57.080 back into my career and how everything started and just 0:39:57.120 --> 0:39:59.480 different experiences that I had that i've kind of like 0:39:59.640 --> 0:40:00.760 packed up way in a box. 0:40:00.840 --> 0:40:03.600 But really a lot of those things, you. 0:40:03.560 --> 0:40:07.000 Know, because your body remembers, the body keeps score it remembers, 0:40:07.080 --> 0:40:09.080 and it's just like, Okay, I'll deal with that. 0:40:09.160 --> 0:40:11.120 I'm not ready to deal with this one. That one 0:40:11.120 --> 0:40:13.600 can stay for a second, but let's let's open this. 0:40:13.520 --> 0:40:15.040 Box to this one. 0:40:15.200 --> 0:40:17.080 This one looks manageable, this one looks like I can 0:40:17.080 --> 0:40:19.000 work through it. So I'm I'm really going through a 0:40:19.040 --> 0:40:20.640 lot of those things, you know, when I was doing 0:40:20.680 --> 0:40:24.399 Idle while my Proverbial Star was rising, I had four 0:40:24.440 --> 0:40:27.760 people die while I was on the show, my best friend. 0:40:28.400 --> 0:40:32.160 My best friend passed away the week I went there 0:40:32.320 --> 0:40:36.560 for Hollywood Week, and it was just like a lot 0:40:36.560 --> 0:40:39.120 of people don't know that side. But that's because you're 0:40:39.160 --> 0:40:41.319 allowed to talk about it. Yeah, well it's not even 0:40:41.400 --> 0:40:44.040 that you're not allowed to. But people don't want to 0:40:44.040 --> 0:40:46.399 hear excuses from artists, right, they don't want to hear 0:40:46.800 --> 0:40:50.520 that you're I mean that maybe maybe now because we 0:40:50.560 --> 0:40:52.520 have social media and the struggle and all that stuff 0:40:52.560 --> 0:40:55.000 and being able to share that. But then it was like, well, 0:40:55.000 --> 0:40:56.520 you get to do this, so how could you even 0:40:56.560 --> 0:40:59.640 be saying like even if somebody passes away, like, well, 0:40:59.680 --> 0:41:01.120 what do you have to complain about? What do you 0:41:01.120 --> 0:41:02.719 have to be sad about? And so there's a lot 0:41:02.760 --> 0:41:05.200 of stuff that I'm like looking back at, like I 0:41:05.239 --> 0:41:06.759 really should have been able to deal with that, but 0:41:06.800 --> 0:41:09.000 I just wasn't. And I wasn't equipped with the tools 0:41:09.040 --> 0:41:12.759 either that I have now. So there's a lot of 0:41:13.880 --> 0:41:15.759 moving parts. And you were like, let's go through your career, 0:41:15.800 --> 0:41:16.319 and I was like. 0:41:17.920 --> 0:41:19.640 I don't know where to start. 0:41:19.680 --> 0:41:22.719 Really, there's just a lot of things that have that 0:41:22.760 --> 0:41:25.200 have happened and have gone on, and I've learned so 0:41:26.200 --> 0:41:27.440 many things and I'm grateful. 0:41:27.560 --> 0:41:29.880 I wouldn't redo my twenties for anything, and you couldn't 0:41:29.920 --> 0:41:32.000 pay me. You couldn't pay me. I don't want to 0:41:32.040 --> 0:41:32.359 go back. 0:41:32.719 --> 0:41:35.960 As soon as I turned thirty, I was like yes, 0:41:36.080 --> 0:41:39.640 And not only because it wasn't that I instantly felt 0:41:39.960 --> 0:41:43.920 comfortable or better in this space, but I felt like 0:41:44.000 --> 0:41:49.160 for me personally that thirty people finally would start listening 0:41:49.160 --> 0:41:52.879 to me as an adult. I'm stuck in a lot 0:41:52.880 --> 0:41:55.960 of people's minds still as a seventeen eighteen year old girl, 0:41:56.440 --> 0:41:59.040 and so for a lot of for me to do 0:41:59.080 --> 0:42:01.600 something some people, it's almost shock value when I do 0:42:01.680 --> 0:42:05.200 something because that's who I am in their mind. And 0:42:05.239 --> 0:42:07.880 so that's been my thing with this new music, is 0:42:07.920 --> 0:42:13.440 trying to match and like kind of not bridge the gap, 0:42:13.520 --> 0:42:16.560 but like be able to evolve and be who I 0:42:16.600 --> 0:42:19.960 am now without them being like, well, this seems like 0:42:20.000 --> 0:42:23.400 a left turn, you know, but I've had It's taken 0:42:23.480 --> 0:42:24.920 me some time to be able to do that, and 0:42:24.920 --> 0:42:26.120 now I'm just at the point where I'm like this 0:42:26.200 --> 0:42:26.959 music is just good. 0:42:27.200 --> 0:42:27.759 It's just good. 0:42:27.840 --> 0:42:30.799 It doesn't have a thing. I couldn't really put it 0:42:30.920 --> 0:42:31.600 in a genre. 0:42:31.680 --> 0:42:32.680 It's just good music. 0:42:33.000 --> 0:42:34.440 And that's all I want to do, is I want 0:42:34.480 --> 0:42:37.879 to make good music, sing my face off and make 0:42:37.920 --> 0:42:41.040 people feel, you know, feel like we're really distracted by 0:42:41.080 --> 0:42:41.640 a lot of stuff. 0:42:41.680 --> 0:42:41.880 Right now. 0:42:41.920 --> 0:42:45.319 Everything is just distracting. There's nothing that is going Hey, 0:42:45.440 --> 0:42:47.800 you should probably just feel this right now in this moment. 0:42:47.800 --> 0:42:49.759 And so that's what I want to do when I'm 0:42:49.800 --> 0:42:52.200 on stage. You know, when I'm on stage, everything was 0:42:52.239 --> 0:42:54.880 like this, everything makes sense. I know that I'm in 0:42:54.880 --> 0:42:56.759 my purpose of my calling when I'm on stage with 0:42:56.760 --> 0:42:59.440 a microphone in my hand, looking directly at that person 0:42:59.520 --> 0:43:00.239 standing there and. 0:43:00.200 --> 0:43:02.759 Singing to them, like I just it's where I need 0:43:02.800 --> 0:43:02.960 to be. 0:43:04.120 --> 0:43:09.200 Well, I'm excited to hear the music. And it's true, 0:43:09.239 --> 0:43:12.640 like people will try to hold you hostage to a 0:43:12.680 --> 0:43:15.840 time in your life and you are not Jordan Spark's 0:43:15.880 --> 0:43:18.959 seventeen year old Jordan Sparks. You are Jordan the woman, 0:43:19.120 --> 0:43:23.680 Jordan the mom, Jordan the wife, the sexual and sensual being. 0:43:23.800 --> 0:43:26.840 And like even saying Jordan Sparks and sexual being, people 0:43:26.920 --> 0:43:27.399 might be like. 0:43:27.360 --> 0:43:30.080 Oh oh no, guess what, she has a kid. She 0:43:30.120 --> 0:43:33.399 had sex? Oh my god did maybe not right? Maybe not? 0:43:33.760 --> 0:43:37.080 Maybe she didn't marry me right, No way she did. 0:43:37.200 --> 0:43:38.799 I can't even see it. No, you know, but like 0:43:38.840 --> 0:43:42.040 people do that, you know, and you know, I can 0:43:42.080 --> 0:43:46.760 only imagine what, you know, what kind of I guess 0:43:48.040 --> 0:43:49.879 what kind of unpacking you've had to do to kind 0:43:49.920 --> 0:43:51.560 of like say, you know what, this is the fuck 0:43:51.600 --> 0:43:53.319 I am, this is it? This is it. I'm sure 0:43:53.320 --> 0:43:54.320 the journey is still going. 0:43:54.560 --> 0:43:55.440 Oh, it's definitely. 0:43:55.640 --> 0:43:57.840 The release of music is probably. I mean, I know 0:43:57.920 --> 0:44:02.440 for us, like talking has been our our I guess, 0:44:02.440 --> 0:44:06.040 our medicine in standing in our truth, even the book 0:44:06.719 --> 0:44:10.000 even as a push further towards that truth and yours 0:44:10.040 --> 0:44:11.520 is through through through music. 0:44:11.600 --> 0:44:14.040 Yeah, that's my that's my Catharsis, Like, I just I 0:44:14.040 --> 0:44:16.719 can get it out through music because I could. 0:44:16.760 --> 0:44:17.120 I could. 0:44:17.480 --> 0:44:19.160 I want to do stuff like this as well, which 0:44:19.200 --> 0:44:20.759 is why I wanted to come do the podcast, because 0:44:20.760 --> 0:44:22.040 I'm like, I want people to be able to hear 0:44:22.120 --> 0:44:25.520 from me, just in a different way, on a different platform, 0:44:25.560 --> 0:44:29.080 in a safe space for women by women. I always 0:44:29.120 --> 0:44:30.520 want to be able to be a part of stuff 0:44:30.560 --> 0:44:32.399 like that. So I'm grateful, thank you guys for having 0:44:32.440 --> 0:44:33.040 me on. 0:44:34.520 --> 0:44:35.399 So I'm doing more. 0:44:35.480 --> 0:44:37.040 I'm trying to do more of that, more of the 0:44:37.120 --> 0:44:39.720 speaking part, because for a long time, the speaking part, 0:44:40.239 --> 0:44:42.720 not that it made me nervous, but it was always 0:44:42.760 --> 0:44:45.160 just it just became, it just became something so much 0:44:45.160 --> 0:44:46.200 bigger than it needed to be. 0:44:46.320 --> 0:44:48.960 Well, you're afraid to talk, yeah, say one thing, Yeah, 0:44:49.080 --> 0:44:50.880 like totally misconstrue what I'm saying. 0:44:51.120 --> 0:44:52.960 But if you don't, then people will rete. 0:44:52.960 --> 0:44:55.239 We'll write your story for you anyway, exactly, you know, 0:44:55.360 --> 0:45:00.279 which is why the music I've I've I've always written music. 0:45:00.320 --> 0:45:02.880 I've written poetry since I was a young, young kid. 0:45:03.640 --> 0:45:04.880 It wasn't ntil I was a little bit older that 0:45:04.960 --> 0:45:07.200 I realized that music is just poetry. 0:45:06.800 --> 0:45:09.520 With instrumentation behind it. 0:45:09.600 --> 0:45:13.200 Yeah, so I've I've always been writing, but now I've 0:45:13.239 --> 0:45:15.400 been writing so much, And so every song you're going 0:45:15.440 --> 0:45:18.799 to hear on this new album is directly from a 0:45:18.840 --> 0:45:23.080 thought that I had or inspired by, or directly related to. 0:45:24.400 --> 0:45:26.120 And then now I'm gonna be able to share that. 0:45:26.200 --> 0:45:28.480 So it's definitely a story. It's just a little chapters, 0:45:28.560 --> 0:45:29.040 you know, but. 0:45:30.800 --> 0:45:31.680 It's so good. 0:45:31.840 --> 0:45:32.520 It's so good. 0:45:32.520 --> 0:45:34.200 When it comes out, I'm coming back and we'll just 0:45:34.239 --> 0:45:36.920 play Yes, yeah, no. 0:45:36.880 --> 0:45:38.080 I can do it this year. 0:45:38.320 --> 0:45:38.560 Yes. 0:45:38.680 --> 0:45:40.359 It's so crazy because before you came, I was telling 0:45:40.400 --> 0:45:41.959 problem like Jordan Sparks is coming. 0:45:41.960 --> 0:45:44.200 He's like oh. He was like, that's my girl. Yeah. 0:45:44.239 --> 0:45:46.160 He was at the studio with us, like her and 0:45:46.160 --> 0:45:48.279 her husband are so cool. He's like, she needs she's 0:45:48.280 --> 0:45:51.200 a release those that music. Though she's she's playing, she's 0:45:51.200 --> 0:45:52.640 not releasing that music. I was like, oh, she has 0:45:52.680 --> 0:45:53.600 some music she's playing with. 0:45:53.680 --> 0:45:54.520 He was like yeah. I was like why. 0:45:54.560 --> 0:46:01.000 He's like, asker, I'm not trying to play. I want 0:46:01.040 --> 0:46:05.239 to put out the music. It's just people, how do 0:46:05.280 --> 0:46:09.879 I wear this? It's difficult to go from I feel 0:46:09.880 --> 0:46:13.719 like people don't understand how much it takes to be 0:46:13.840 --> 0:46:17.920 an independent artist, especially going from major label. Mind from 0:46:18.000 --> 0:46:20.279 a major label, I was there, I had the whole 0:46:20.320 --> 0:46:21.160 building behind me. 0:46:21.200 --> 0:46:21.400 You know. 0:46:21.640 --> 0:46:23.200 There was the marketing team, there was the A and R, 0:46:23.280 --> 0:46:25.560 there was the touring everybody was in house. 0:46:26.040 --> 0:46:28.359 Now, as an independent artist, I have to find those. 0:46:28.320 --> 0:46:30.239 People to help me, and I have to make sure 0:46:30.239 --> 0:46:32.759 that they believe in what I'm doing and believe in 0:46:32.760 --> 0:46:35.759 the project. I could hire anyone, But if they don't 0:46:35.800 --> 0:46:37.960 believe in what I'm doing, or they don't have the 0:46:38.280 --> 0:46:40.160 accurate or not accurate. 0:46:39.800 --> 0:46:42.239 But the correct skill to be able to help me 0:46:42.320 --> 0:46:44.719 with that, then. 0:46:44.640 --> 0:46:46.399 There's no point and then I just end up back 0:46:46.400 --> 0:46:50.719 at ground zero again. So I'm now at the position 0:46:52.040 --> 0:46:59.360 right now I'm talking to this company, slash label, but 0:46:59.360 --> 0:47:01.160 it would be more of a partnership with us, so 0:47:01.680 --> 0:47:04.279 that would mean that I would retain most of the 0:47:04.320 --> 0:47:07.680 ownership of my stuff. I have creative control. So we're 0:47:07.680 --> 0:47:10.000 working on those different things because I'm just like, I 0:47:10.680 --> 0:47:13.600 could go back to a major label, but then all 0:47:13.680 --> 0:47:16.640 this freedom that I've accrued and I've earned and i've 0:47:16.719 --> 0:47:20.960 I've received and gotten is just gonna be taken away. 0:47:21.360 --> 0:47:23.879 And so I'm like, I don't know if I really 0:47:23.960 --> 0:47:25.279 want to sacrifice. 0:47:24.800 --> 0:47:26.600 You don't and you will, I don't know. 0:47:26.719 --> 0:47:28.040 I can you come too far? 0:47:28.360 --> 0:47:28.680 Yeah? 0:47:28.719 --> 0:47:31.640 And I so I'm I'm I'm working on it. 0:47:31.719 --> 0:47:34.000 I just have to we have to figure out the 0:47:34.160 --> 0:47:36.800 terms so that we can just go because the music's 0:47:36.800 --> 0:47:38.120 already done. The hard part is done. 0:47:39.160 --> 0:47:42.520 Well, we will light some candles and sets. 0:47:42.560 --> 0:47:44.239 I feel like once you speak it though, I think 0:47:44.239 --> 0:47:47.279 like women always say like women are witches, Like we're like, 0:47:47.440 --> 0:47:49.680 we're so impeccable with our word. When you say something 0:47:49.680 --> 0:47:52.680 and you put it into the ether, you have the 0:47:52.760 --> 0:47:55.919 power to make it, to make it come to fruition. Yeah, 0:47:55.960 --> 0:47:58.920 So I'm like, I'm not even I'm not even worried, 0:47:59.000 --> 0:48:00.480 Like I know it's kind of and I know it's 0:48:00.480 --> 0:48:02.239 going to happen perfectly for you. And I know it's 0:48:02.239 --> 0:48:04.560 going to be in alignment because it's like the moment 0:48:04.600 --> 0:48:10.759 you choose yourself, you. 0:48:08.640 --> 0:48:09.920 Your road opens up for you. 0:48:10.200 --> 0:48:13.920 And like, I don't know if for women listening to this, 0:48:13.960 --> 0:48:16.400 who maybe you know grew up and just shiit. 0:48:16.360 --> 0:48:20.520 Just women women just born you know, if you was born, 0:48:20.600 --> 0:48:21.240 you were a woman. 0:48:22.080 --> 0:48:26.600 This gendered woman seriously, Like, and you've struggled because maybe 0:48:26.600 --> 0:48:28.560 your family expects you to do X, Y and Z, 0:48:28.840 --> 0:48:31.440 or or maybe religion has played a part, or maybe 0:48:31.480 --> 0:48:32.080 the guy. 0:48:31.880 --> 0:48:33.920 That you date said this is how you should show up. 0:48:34.400 --> 0:48:35.839 Like what are what are some things? 0:48:35.840 --> 0:48:39.040 Like what are three things three words of advice would 0:48:39.040 --> 0:48:41.799 you would give to someone struggling to tap into their 0:48:41.840 --> 0:48:46.400 freedom and their free their inner free spirit? What were 0:48:46.520 --> 0:48:49.880 what are three tools or three things that you've like 0:48:50.040 --> 0:48:52.840 have helped you come out of that and like step 0:48:52.920 --> 0:48:55.799 fully into who you are and like embrace it and say, 0:48:55.880 --> 0:48:56.719 I'm not going to do this. 0:48:56.719 --> 0:48:57.719 This is who I am and this is what I'm 0:48:57.719 --> 0:48:58.040 going to do. 0:48:59.480 --> 0:49:08.759 Oh man, is it three separate thoughts? I'm like, it 0:49:09.280 --> 0:49:10.000 is an exercise. 0:49:10.080 --> 0:49:10.799 What did you do? Girl? 0:49:10.920 --> 0:49:13.400 I mean, it's it's hard to say exactly because everybody's 0:49:13.440 --> 0:49:15.440 journey is their own sorooms. 0:49:15.480 --> 0:49:18.240 I'll press Jordan is if you're watching on YouTube, Jordan's 0:49:18.239 --> 0:49:19.160 wearing a mushroom shirt. 0:49:19.200 --> 0:49:23.000 I think mushrooms the guide. Yes, it's like a portal 0:49:23.040 --> 0:49:25.080 to yourself. So that's why I'm. 0:49:24.920 --> 0:49:29.160 Asking when connection to everything else? Okay, so let me 0:49:29.160 --> 0:49:29.680 stand track. 0:49:30.280 --> 0:49:31.080 No, no, no, you're okay. 0:49:31.120 --> 0:49:34.600 I just there's so many thoughts that go on in 0:49:34.600 --> 0:49:38.880 my head that I'm just like, okay. I think for me, 0:49:40.040 --> 0:49:44.080 one major thing we were talking about it earlier is 0:49:44.080 --> 0:49:49.719 our intuition. I think when we have been pushed or 0:49:49.840 --> 0:49:55.120 gas lit, or in certain situations where you can't question that, 0:49:55.280 --> 0:49:58.520 you start to lose the connection with that intuition and 0:49:58.560 --> 0:50:02.720 what your gut is telling you. And I had lots 0:50:02.760 --> 0:50:06.759 of experiences leading up to where I am now, to 0:50:06.880 --> 0:50:09.719 where when I look back on it, I'm like, my 0:50:09.760 --> 0:50:12.240 intuition was right the whole time. 0:50:12.360 --> 0:50:14.120 Like I just got goose bumps, like it was it 0:50:14.200 --> 0:50:14.560 was right. 0:50:15.239 --> 0:50:19.000 And I think that would be a major one is 0:50:19.200 --> 0:50:23.000 really trying to reconnect with your gut feeling and with 0:50:23.120 --> 0:50:27.280 that intuition and that that little voice that's like maybe 0:50:27.280 --> 0:50:28.080 not or. 0:50:28.320 --> 0:50:32.520 It's it's the it's the reconnection, but it's also sometimes 0:50:32.520 --> 0:50:36.400 that gut feeling and that that that voice is telling 0:50:36.400 --> 0:50:40.960 you something that's the harder road yep. And so you 0:50:41.000 --> 0:50:47.680 are like. 0:50:44.440 --> 0:50:46.080 Everybody said to do this, yeah, you know. 0:50:46.160 --> 0:50:50.480 And so it's like trusting that the harder, the harder 0:50:50.600 --> 0:50:53.520 road is going to eventually lead you to the easier 0:50:53.600 --> 0:50:56.440 road and making that choice because I mean I have 0:50:56.840 --> 0:51:00.279 I I know how impeccable my intuition is, and I 0:51:00.480 --> 0:51:01.319 still go against it. 0:51:01.520 --> 0:51:01.719 Yeah. 0:51:01.840 --> 0:51:04.080 Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying you no, no, I know, 0:51:04.239 --> 0:51:06.600 but I think women, it's literally I think that we 0:51:06.920 --> 0:51:10.960 have we were masterfully created to really master this part 0:51:11.000 --> 0:51:13.840 of ourselves. I'm not saying that men don't have intuition, 0:51:13.880 --> 0:51:17.120 because they do, but we have some different shit over here. 0:51:17.200 --> 0:51:20.879 Yeah, we're creators, and so I think we're the poor 0:51:20.920 --> 0:51:21.880 told to God. 0:51:21.719 --> 0:51:24.359 You know, I was. We were talking about this with 0:51:24.800 --> 0:51:27.640 I can't remember her name, but just how my nervous 0:51:27.640 --> 0:51:31.800 system always tells me first, yes, like literally, nervous system 0:51:31.840 --> 0:51:35.319 will tell me, and then my mind will confuse me, 0:51:36.320 --> 0:51:38.719 like my body will be like in my mind will 0:51:38.760 --> 0:51:41.040 be like that should just relax, and I'm like, but 0:51:41.600 --> 0:51:45.040 my stomach hurts, yeah, like I'm nervous, I'm. 0:51:44.920 --> 0:51:46.399 Hooly, my breath my chest is tight. 0:51:46.560 --> 0:51:47.239 Yeah. 0:51:47.280 --> 0:51:50.040 All of those things are signs. All of them are 0:51:50.200 --> 0:51:53.880 so I guess it's reconnecting with your body too, to 0:51:53.960 --> 0:51:57.120 be able to like understand what those things mean for yourself, 0:51:57.120 --> 0:52:01.680 because I have always been a nervous person. My husband 0:52:02.080 --> 0:52:04.080 he is always just like, I don't understand why you're 0:52:04.080 --> 0:52:05.680 so nervous, and I'm like, it just happens. 0:52:05.760 --> 0:52:06.799 Okay, I don't know. 0:52:07.360 --> 0:52:11.440 But my nervous system, which I've learned for the last 0:52:11.920 --> 0:52:15.480 however many years it's been since Okay, let's if we 0:52:15.520 --> 0:52:18.280 go with idle, it's been sixteen years. My nervous system 0:52:18.320 --> 0:52:22.799 has been on the fritz for the last sixteen years 0:52:22.800 --> 0:52:25.799 of my life, and it hasn't ever been able to 0:52:25.840 --> 0:52:28.160 receive a break of being out of fight or flight 0:52:28.239 --> 0:52:32.160 mode because I've been constantly touring, constantly traveling, working, having 0:52:32.200 --> 0:52:35.319 to be on public eye, having to think quick on 0:52:35.360 --> 0:52:37.040 my feet, Like so my nervous system is. 0:52:37.000 --> 0:52:38.440 Like, oh's to the wrong thing. 0:52:38.719 --> 0:52:42.279 It's always like this, And so when I'm about to perform, 0:52:42.680 --> 0:52:45.520 I get my hands get all, I get clammy, I 0:52:45.520 --> 0:52:47.440 get nervous, I start to breathe really fast, and I 0:52:47.480 --> 0:52:49.840 have to like pray to make to like bring myself 0:52:49.880 --> 0:52:53.160 back down and meditate, and he just doesn't understand. 0:52:53.400 --> 0:52:55.359 It's it's just a it's just a. 0:52:55.360 --> 0:52:57.759 Reaction that I have before I do it. I also 0:52:57.800 --> 0:52:59.120 think it's a good thing because I feel like, if 0:52:59.120 --> 0:53:03.640 I'm not nervous, I might have to do a reevaluation, 0:53:03.800 --> 0:53:05.600 like a self check, like yeah, do I really like 0:53:05.719 --> 0:53:09.160 what I'm doing, you know, because it's just it's exciting 0:53:09.200 --> 0:53:13.600 and it makes me nervous. But I think the reconnection there, 0:53:14.040 --> 0:53:19.000 I think is really important. Also with this phrase that 0:53:19.120 --> 0:53:21.719 I I don't remember who told it to me, but 0:53:21.760 --> 0:53:23.759 it was in my mid twenties and somebody was like, 0:53:23.760 --> 0:53:25.000 if it's not a fuck yeah, it's a no. 0:53:26.480 --> 0:53:28.160 I like that is that today's affirmation? 0:53:28.840 --> 0:53:32.480 I think, if it's not a fuck yeah, it's a no. 0:53:33.239 --> 0:53:37.280 Yeah. I love that, like yeah well because radical yes 0:53:37.440 --> 0:53:39.880 yeah well. And it also that also goes with your 0:53:39.960 --> 0:53:42.480 your gut and your intuition. When you have a decision 0:53:42.480 --> 0:53:45.680 to make, if you're just like, well, no, it's a no, 0:53:46.239 --> 0:53:48.759 it's just a no. And that's not to say that 0:53:48.840 --> 0:53:50.799 to not say yes to certain things. If you have 0:53:50.880 --> 0:53:53.000 opportunity you want to say yes, you always have the 0:53:53.040 --> 0:53:55.440 opportunity to say no again and to change your mind. 0:53:56.280 --> 0:54:01.920 And I think the other thing as well. It was 0:54:02.040 --> 0:54:08.040 really important from my relationship that I had prior to 0:54:08.080 --> 0:54:12.800 meeting my husband that in between space, I literally cut 0:54:13.120 --> 0:54:15.560 dating and romantic anything out of my life. I was 0:54:15.600 --> 0:54:18.160 celibate for a year and a half. I just focused 0:54:18.160 --> 0:54:20.879 on myself and I've always I've always been a person 0:54:20.920 --> 0:54:23.200 who likes to be alone. I'm not lonely. I love 0:54:23.280 --> 0:54:25.799 being alone like I enjoy my own company. And I 0:54:25.840 --> 0:54:28.919 think for a lot of people, not just women, men too, 0:54:29.560 --> 0:54:32.240 a lot of people don't know how to be alone. 0:54:32.320 --> 0:54:36.879 And I think that that's a really big thing for 0:54:37.080 --> 0:54:40.120 people's growth, because if you can be alone, you know 0:54:40.200 --> 0:54:42.680 how what you need, you know how to treat yourself, 0:54:42.680 --> 0:54:46.239 what makes you happy, you know how to recharge, how 0:54:46.280 --> 0:54:47.959 much sleep you need to know there's just so many 0:54:47.960 --> 0:54:53.640 different things that you can't get with somebody else because 0:54:53.760 --> 0:54:57.120 they're not telling you. You're telling you, right, and so 0:54:57.160 --> 0:54:59.520 I think that is also important. So I would say, 0:54:59.560 --> 0:55:02.359 gut your gut feeling reconnecting with that. 0:55:03.880 --> 0:55:05.279 If it's not a if it's not a. 0:55:05.239 --> 0:55:06.160 Fuck, yeah, it's a though. 0:55:06.880 --> 0:55:09.680 And also being able to be alone with yourself. 0:55:09.760 --> 0:55:13.120 I think that's really helped me catapult myself into where 0:55:13.160 --> 0:55:15.120 I am now because I really do, like I said, 0:55:15.280 --> 0:55:16.560 I'm my seventeen year old self. 0:55:16.600 --> 0:55:19.279 It's just it's night and day. The core is still there. 0:55:19.360 --> 0:55:22.200 I'm still that goofy, quirky, smiley girl that walked into 0:55:22.239 --> 0:55:25.200 the audition room, but there's just more of a sense 0:55:25.200 --> 0:55:27.520 of knowing and more groundedness that. 0:55:27.520 --> 0:55:30.560 I have that I did not have before. Just being 0:55:30.560 --> 0:55:31.320 able to do. 0:55:31.200 --> 0:55:34.440 That work after you took that time off and like 0:55:34.440 --> 0:55:37.120 from dating and you're like it was amazing retreated and 0:55:37.160 --> 0:55:39.400 you're like, hold online in a minute, how did you 0:55:39.440 --> 0:55:40.600 meet your now husband? 0:55:40.600 --> 0:55:42.000 And like, how did you know it was different? 0:55:42.360 --> 0:55:44.200 I'm sadd he's not here because I'd totally look at 0:55:44.280 --> 0:55:45.279 him right now and be like your turn. 0:55:45.400 --> 0:55:46.480 You're a turn to tell the story. 0:55:47.880 --> 0:55:50.279 So okay, let me make this. Let me try and 0:55:50.280 --> 0:55:51.360 make this as short as possible. 0:55:52.520 --> 0:55:56.759 Basically, I had a charity for ten years and I 0:55:56.800 --> 0:55:59.239 would follow the Super Bowl to each city and we 0:55:59.280 --> 0:56:01.399 would come in in the week and shine a light 0:56:01.440 --> 0:56:03.600 on organizations that were making a difference in the city 0:56:04.600 --> 0:56:06.600 before all, like the major parties would come in and 0:56:06.640 --> 0:56:08.960 we would give them media and press if they needed 0:56:08.960 --> 0:56:12.719 it or if they wanted it. Sometimes we would just 0:56:12.760 --> 0:56:14.839 go visit and they didn't want anything, but it would 0:56:14.920 --> 0:56:15.960 It was basically up to them. 0:56:16.560 --> 0:56:19.760 And my tenth year was twenty seventeen. 0:56:20.120 --> 0:56:22.840 The super Bowl was in Houston, and we went to 0:56:22.880 --> 0:56:25.680 a few different organizations and the last one we went 0:56:25.719 --> 0:56:30.160 to was his parents. He wasn't there. He lived in 0:56:30.239 --> 0:56:32.239 Dallas at the time, so he wasn't even there. 0:56:32.800 --> 0:56:35.000 And I was excited because. 0:56:34.640 --> 0:56:37.320 My mom and his mom had hit it off. And 0:56:38.120 --> 0:56:40.799 my mom's not really the type of person who's like, ooh, 0:56:40.840 --> 0:56:42.960 no friends. She's like, I'm good, I've got my people, 0:56:43.400 --> 0:56:45.800 and they hit it off, so I was very excited 0:56:45.800 --> 0:56:47.560 and I loved what they were doing. It's called the 0:56:47.560 --> 0:56:49.640 Forge for Families. It's in the third Ward in Houston. 0:56:49.680 --> 0:56:54.200 It's basically a place a safe haven for kids after school. 0:56:54.200 --> 0:56:57.080 They've got summer programs and different things like that, and 0:56:57.120 --> 0:57:00.560 it's it's really amazing. But I met his mom and 0:57:00.600 --> 0:57:02.839 his dad and his brother, and they were like, this 0:57:02.880 --> 0:57:04.239 is our family, and so it was a picture of 0:57:04.280 --> 0:57:04.760 their family. 0:57:04.800 --> 0:57:05.680 I don't now. 0:57:05.719 --> 0:57:08.000 I know that he was like eighteen years old and 0:57:08.120 --> 0:57:09.760 like young, but I didn't know the difference. 0:57:09.920 --> 0:57:11.080 I was like, oh, beautiful family. 0:57:11.120 --> 0:57:11.600 So we leave. 0:57:12.520 --> 0:57:17.760 And when I tell you that, like I had PTSD 0:57:17.920 --> 0:57:20.480 from the relationship that I had been in prior, and 0:57:20.520 --> 0:57:25.640 so my mom had tried to she was like, I 0:57:25.680 --> 0:57:29.440 know her intentions were pure, but the trigger that, like 0:57:29.520 --> 0:57:31.160 the fact that I would freak out like I just 0:57:31.200 --> 0:57:32.680 I was like I'm not ready for this, like I 0:57:32.720 --> 0:57:36.160 cannot please don't give people my number, and please don't 0:57:36.160 --> 0:57:38.480 have them send me flowers, like I don't want this, 0:57:38.560 --> 0:57:42.240 Like I can't even handle it. And so I was 0:57:42.320 --> 0:57:44.120 kind of at that point in my life, I cut 0:57:44.160 --> 0:57:47.200 everything off. I wasn't even honestly, I wasn't comfortable even 0:57:47.240 --> 0:57:48.880 being in a room by myself with a man, Like. 0:57:48.840 --> 0:57:52.360 I just was like, this is too much. And so. 0:57:54.360 --> 0:57:56.600 A month goes by, we leave, yay, like, have a 0:57:56.600 --> 0:57:59.160 good time. We leave a month goes by. My mom's like, hey, 0:57:59.240 --> 0:58:03.560 do you mind if Bridget that's his mom's name, if 0:58:03.600 --> 0:58:06.600 she connects you with her son Dana. He's not the 0:58:06.640 --> 0:58:10.120 one that you met, but he wants to model. He's 0:58:10.120 --> 0:58:11.880 planning on modeling, and he has a trip out in 0:58:12.000 --> 0:58:15.000 LA and she wants you to talk to him about Hollywood. 0:58:15.080 --> 0:58:18.480 This is the most moms this my mom. My friend said, 0:58:18.520 --> 0:58:20.440 it's gonna call it. He'll be in La, hang out 0:58:20.480 --> 0:58:20.920 with him. 0:58:21.200 --> 0:58:24.520 Tell me about Hollywood. Like, okay, so welcome. 0:58:24.200 --> 0:58:25.440 To hollyd You're welcome. 0:58:25.840 --> 0:58:27.800 But I mean that's what I that's what they had me, 0:58:28.360 --> 0:58:28.960 not have me do. 0:58:29.080 --> 0:58:31.520 But the reason why I ended up staying so long 0:58:31.520 --> 0:58:33.920 at their organization was they had some teenage girls who 0:58:34.040 --> 0:58:34.840 just wanted to ask me. 0:58:34.840 --> 0:58:36.200 Questions about my life. 0:58:36.200 --> 0:58:38.680 And so I was like, you guys, a lot of 0:58:38.680 --> 0:58:41.880 what you see is you know, photo shoots and people 0:58:41.920 --> 0:58:43.440 are calling paparazzi blah blah blah. 0:58:43.440 --> 0:58:44.960 And I was like, there's a lot of stuff that 0:58:45.000 --> 0:58:48.840 you have to like really discern. So she was overhearing 0:58:48.880 --> 0:58:51.000 me say that, and she wanted me to do the 0:58:51.040 --> 0:58:54.160 same thing, and I didn't. 0:58:53.920 --> 0:58:55.520 Find out till later that she really wanted me to 0:58:55.520 --> 0:58:58.560 talk about of moving to La doing anything there right 0:58:58.720 --> 0:59:00.840 completely judge me wrong on that because I'm always like, 0:59:00.880 --> 0:59:02.600 go you could always go back home. 0:59:03.880 --> 0:59:04.920 Tell him exactly. 0:59:05.000 --> 0:59:08.240 So I was like, okay. 0:59:08.440 --> 0:59:11.000 That was the first time I was okay with somebody 0:59:11.040 --> 0:59:13.520 having my number. And I was like, all right because 0:59:13.560 --> 0:59:14.640 I had met his mom, and I was like, and 0:59:14.840 --> 0:59:17.080 if he tries to pull anything, I can just go 0:59:17.360 --> 0:59:19.440 to her and be like, this is I'm not comfortable 0:59:19.440 --> 0:59:23.960 with this. So my mom and his mom put us 0:59:23.960 --> 0:59:27.920 on a group chat and so we all end up 0:59:27.960 --> 0:59:29.960 in the same thing, and he's like, I'm gonna message 0:59:30.000 --> 0:59:31.760 you on another one. So we hopped out of that 0:59:31.840 --> 0:59:34.560 one and we started talking and we just never stopped. 0:59:35.200 --> 0:59:39.480 We never stopped talking, but it was strictly platonic, and 0:59:39.560 --> 0:59:41.160 it was just really cool to talk to somebody who 0:59:41.160 --> 0:59:43.600 didn't want anything from me. He didn't know about anything 0:59:43.640 --> 0:59:47.480 because he was really heavily into basketball. He played aau 0:59:47.720 --> 0:59:49.560 like the competitive stuff when he was a kid, and 0:59:49.600 --> 0:59:51.640 then he played in college and so he knew that 0:59:51.680 --> 0:59:52.800 I want I only knew. 0:59:52.600 --> 0:59:53.600 No air, that's all. 0:59:54.080 --> 0:59:56.920 So he didn't know about all the other the craziness 0:59:56.920 --> 0:59:59.080 that the media likes to put out there, and so 0:59:59.160 --> 1:00:00.760 I was just grateful to be like, Hi. 1:00:00.680 --> 1:00:02.080 This is who I am. 1:00:02.200 --> 1:00:05.480 And I felt safe also because I told him. I 1:00:05.520 --> 1:00:07.040 was like, I'm not facetiming you and I'm not. 1:00:07.000 --> 1:00:08.720 Calling you on the phone. I was like, this is 1:00:08.720 --> 1:00:11.160 gonna be text only, straightforward. 1:00:11.240 --> 1:00:11.919 This is where we lived. 1:00:12.000 --> 1:00:13.640 Yeah, I'm like, this is this is where we're at. 1:00:13.680 --> 1:00:15.440 And so we talked a lot and it was really 1:00:15.480 --> 1:00:18.920 cool and he was very nice. I was very intrigued 1:00:18.960 --> 1:00:21.440 by the way he thought. I loved that he had 1:00:21.440 --> 1:00:24.800 been single for seven years, like so, it's just there 1:00:24.800 --> 1:00:25.480 had been a lot of. 1:00:25.440 --> 1:00:28.440 Things, but there was no nothing. 1:00:28.440 --> 1:00:30.280 Because at one point he was like, well, you're just 1:00:30.280 --> 1:00:33.000 a bougie whatever whatever you said, light skinned, curly haired girl. 1:00:33.000 --> 1:00:34.480 And I said, yeah, we are a green nighted demon. 1:00:34.600 --> 1:00:39.840 So we both agree on this. Yeah, so we agree. 1:00:40.080 --> 1:00:43.760 And he ended up flying out for the trip that 1:00:43.800 --> 1:00:47.480 he had planned. And it was Easter weekend. My brother 1:00:47.640 --> 1:00:49.760 was driving in from Phoenix, so I was like, why 1:00:49.760 --> 1:00:52.000 don't you stop by? It was like ten o'clock at night, 1:00:52.360 --> 1:00:53.560 but I knew my brother was coming. 1:00:53.720 --> 1:00:55.440 You went from text to stop by at ten o'clock 1:00:55.440 --> 1:00:56.400 at night, right right, well, because he. 1:00:56.440 --> 1:00:58.920 Landed and was like he was like, I don't my 1:00:58.920 --> 1:01:01.280 my Airbnb. I just have to wait for it or something. 1:01:01.320 --> 1:01:03.120 I can't remember what it was, but I was like, Okay, 1:01:03.120 --> 1:01:06.080 my brother's on his way, you can come over. 1:01:06.120 --> 1:01:06.560 It's fine. 1:01:06.960 --> 1:01:08.760 So he comes. 1:01:08.480 --> 1:01:11.920 Over and I had two dogs at the time, and 1:01:12.000 --> 1:01:16.440 I I opened the door and the dogs run to him. 1:01:16.440 --> 1:01:18.320 So he bends over to pet the dogs, and I'm like, okay, 1:01:18.320 --> 1:01:22.240 well that's a good sign because they love him already. 1:01:22.880 --> 1:01:23.680 Just as a person. 1:01:23.920 --> 1:01:26.000 It wasn't until our eyes locked that I was like, 1:01:26.080 --> 1:01:29.440 oh shit, oh really, because I had seen his pictures. 1:01:29.520 --> 1:01:32.200 There was nothing, no, no, nothing. I just was like, 1:01:32.200 --> 1:01:35.960 oh he's nice looking dude, you know. But there was 1:01:36.000 --> 1:01:38.160 nothing until that moment that our eyes locked and we 1:01:38.200 --> 1:01:39.280 both knew we were in trouble. 1:01:39.360 --> 1:01:40.600 Really, as soon as he got to the house. You 1:01:40.640 --> 1:01:41.560 looked at me like, oh shit. 1:01:41.680 --> 1:01:46.240 I was like, this is not what I this is 1:01:46.280 --> 1:01:48.520 not this, Like I'm not looking for this, you know. 1:01:49.040 --> 1:01:50.560 He literally swept me off my feet. 1:01:50.600 --> 1:01:52.520 And it's crazy because I'm like, he literally showed up 1:01:52.560 --> 1:01:54.120 at my door literally from. 1:01:54.000 --> 1:01:58.880 Your mom, that's like the most liked, but they didn't 1:01:58.880 --> 1:02:01.280 want That's it's crazy because they didn't want us to date. 1:02:01.320 --> 1:02:02.480 That was never the intention. 1:02:02.600 --> 1:02:05.920 And I remember going back to visit with him and 1:02:05.960 --> 1:02:08.840 his mom was like, I wanted you to talk him 1:02:08.880 --> 1:02:10.280 out of moving there, and. 1:02:10.200 --> 1:02:14.760 Now he's in love, and I was like, I'm. 1:02:14.120 --> 1:02:19.080 Sorry, I think not really, but so it went by 1:02:19.120 --> 1:02:21.520 really fast. So we started talking in March. We met 1:02:21.520 --> 1:02:25.280 in April. We got married in July. Wow, DJ was 1:02:25.280 --> 1:02:28.480 coming end of August, two days after he moved here. 1:02:28.880 --> 1:02:32.680 Well, you met him in April, March. He moved in 1:02:32.680 --> 1:02:33.280 in June. 1:02:35.160 --> 1:02:35.680 I guess not. 1:02:35.880 --> 1:02:38.520 He moved in Basically between April and August, you had 1:02:38.520 --> 1:02:39.840 a baby, you got pregnant. 1:02:39.920 --> 1:02:42.400 I got pregnant after we got married, and you got married. 1:02:42.440 --> 1:02:45.000 Not like you can engage. You got married, married in Hawaii, 1:02:45.560 --> 1:02:49.560 got mallried. Wait how I know? 1:02:50.920 --> 1:02:52.920 It's like but it's true, Like people always try to 1:02:52.960 --> 1:02:54.120 take you out of that, but it's like when you know, 1:02:54.400 --> 1:02:54.680 you know. 1:02:54.840 --> 1:02:57.240 Were your parents where, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Oh 1:02:57.240 --> 1:02:58.160 I didn't tell anybody. 1:02:58.360 --> 1:02:59.680 You got married without telling anyone? 1:02:59.680 --> 1:03:00.120 Oh yeah of. 1:03:00.120 --> 1:03:04.840 Course, yeah, because I so the way I have always been. 1:03:05.080 --> 1:03:07.360 I've never wanted a big wedding. Like my best friend 1:03:07.360 --> 1:03:09.000 was born a day before me. She knew exactly what 1:03:09.040 --> 1:03:11.920 she wanted. She knew her the dress, the style, all 1:03:11.960 --> 1:03:14.600 of that stuff. And I was just like, I never 1:03:14.720 --> 1:03:15.560 I never wanted that. 1:03:15.640 --> 1:03:20.200 And then once I became in public eye and a 1:03:20.200 --> 1:03:21.320 public figure. 1:03:21.400 --> 1:03:23.360 I'm always going to huge events and I never really 1:03:23.400 --> 1:03:25.680 get to enjoy them because there's just so much going on. 1:03:25.720 --> 1:03:26.680 And I was like, I don't want to do that 1:03:26.720 --> 1:03:29.640 for my wedding, right, So I had always imagined myself 1:03:29.640 --> 1:03:32.320 either going to the courthouse or just something really really small. 1:03:32.360 --> 1:03:34.440 And so we went on this trip with our friends 1:03:35.160 --> 1:03:37.400 and we went to Hawaii, and we had already been 1:03:37.440 --> 1:03:38.040 talking about it. 1:03:38.080 --> 1:03:40.120 I don't remember you guys already engaged at this point. 1:03:40.280 --> 1:03:41.200 No no, no, no, no no. 1:03:40.960 --> 1:03:43.880 No, no, here's what random trip not with no intention 1:03:43.920 --> 1:03:44.560 of getting married. 1:03:44.600 --> 1:03:45.560 Well, we had talked about it. 1:03:45.640 --> 1:03:47.560 I was like, if we're gonna, if we're gonna do it, 1:03:48.040 --> 1:03:50.080 why don't we do it here in Hawaii. Nobody's ever 1:03:50.120 --> 1:03:52.240 going to expect to see us at the courthouse there, 1:03:52.240 --> 1:03:52.880 and there shouldn't be. 1:03:52.880 --> 1:03:56.080 Paparazzi in Hawaii, like of all the places, it was closed. 1:03:56.840 --> 1:04:01.000 Wow, it was closed, and so we my best friend 1:04:01.000 --> 1:04:02.280 had gotten ordained. 1:04:04.240 --> 1:04:06.880 So We're in the water and I look at him. 1:04:06.680 --> 1:04:08.360 And I'm like, do you want to do it right now? Like, 1:04:08.440 --> 1:04:10.200 let's just do it right now? And he was like okay. 1:04:10.560 --> 1:04:12.640 And so my friend was like do you and I 1:04:12.640 --> 1:04:14.919 was like yep, and she asked him, so yep. 1:04:15.000 --> 1:04:16.560 We kissed in the water and that was the one 1:04:16.640 --> 1:04:17.720 paparazzi shot. 1:04:18.080 --> 1:04:19.880 Oh they got it, got but they had no idea 1:04:19.880 --> 1:04:24.360 that was actually So we got married there. We did 1:04:24.400 --> 1:04:26.600 the paperwork and stuff when we got back, but that's 1:04:26.600 --> 1:04:31.800 where we got married. And then uh yeah, a month later, 1:04:32.200 --> 1:04:34.960 a month and some change later, he had moved his 1:04:35.040 --> 1:04:37.280 stuff down and he moved into the house out here, 1:04:37.360 --> 1:04:39.000 which is two minutes up the road by the way. 1:04:39.720 --> 1:04:44.160 And then two days later I was like, I feel weird. 1:04:44.520 --> 1:04:48.960 I should just go check and yeah, wow, wow, were 1:04:49.720 --> 1:04:50.840 you was supposed to be here? 1:04:50.840 --> 1:04:53.960 Were you excited? Were you scared? Were you ready terrified? 1:04:54.040 --> 1:05:00.960 Okay, mostly because of him, because I just was like, 1:05:01.280 --> 1:05:06.560 he just moved here, like he just uprooted his life, 1:05:06.640 --> 1:05:09.800 and now I have to tell him that I we're expected. 1:05:09.880 --> 1:05:12.760 Well, we got married, y'all are already doing it. 1:05:12.120 --> 1:05:15.720 Yeah, but still it was like we neither of us 1:05:15.720 --> 1:05:18.640 were expecting it, and so it was just like, holy shit, 1:05:19.000 --> 1:05:21.880 like what is going on? So poor guy, I look 1:05:21.960 --> 1:05:23.520 back on it, he didn't even have time to like 1:05:24.040 --> 1:05:25.240 because I had a whole. 1:05:25.000 --> 1:05:27.640 Moment I was. I was out of there because I 1:05:27.760 --> 1:05:28.720 just wasn't ready. 1:05:28.760 --> 1:05:31.160 And we had been talking. I don't think you're ever 1:05:31.200 --> 1:05:33.440 ready for kids, to be honest, You're just not. But 1:05:33.560 --> 1:05:36.480 we've been talking like okay, yeah, like in two years we'll. 1:05:36.200 --> 1:05:38.240 Start trying and blah blahlah blah. And I was like, cool, 1:05:38.280 --> 1:05:42.320 that sounds great. Nope, God was like now right now, 1:05:42.720 --> 1:05:43.600 and so it went really fast. 1:05:43.680 --> 1:05:46.120 But we're wearing on our sixth year. So in July 1:05:46.200 --> 1:05:48.000 it'll be our sixth year anniversary. 1:05:48.280 --> 1:05:50.240 Oh and how does your son five? 1:05:50.560 --> 1:05:54.640 How is your pregnancy great? My pregnancy was awesome. It 1:05:54.720 --> 1:05:56.360 was the afterpart that I'm like, I don't want to 1:05:56.360 --> 1:05:56.800 do that again. 1:05:57.240 --> 1:06:01.080 I was birth easy, Okay, did you have a natural birth? 1:06:01.160 --> 1:06:03.000 Let me not say easy, because I don't want people 1:06:03.000 --> 1:06:03.920 to get rid of I don't. 1:06:03.800 --> 1:06:06.040 Want people to get mad at me. It wasn't easy. 1:06:05.360 --> 1:06:08.960 It was definitely challenging. I did naturally. I did natural water. 1:06:08.760 --> 1:06:11.560 Birth at the hospital at home. 1:06:11.720 --> 1:06:12.720 I did at a birthing center. 1:06:13.280 --> 1:06:15.960 Yeah, and they were amazing because they were like, hey, 1:06:16.000 --> 1:06:17.080 if anything goes wrong. 1:06:16.840 --> 1:06:19.040 We will go with you to the hospital, like if 1:06:19.040 --> 1:06:19.400 there was an. 1:06:19.360 --> 1:06:23.080 Emergency c section or something. But I didn't have to 1:06:23.160 --> 1:06:25.640 do that. Uh, Dana caught him. 1:06:26.520 --> 1:06:28.200 It was really cool. It was a really cool moment. 1:06:28.240 --> 1:06:30.240 I felt like I could do anything after that. I 1:06:30.280 --> 1:06:32.360 was sitting in the bathtub like, look at this. I 1:06:32.400 --> 1:06:33.720 was looking at the umbilical cord like. 1:06:33.720 --> 1:06:35.880 Oh my god, this is crazy. 1:06:35.440 --> 1:06:36.800 And I was like I could left to try. 1:06:39.400 --> 1:06:39.600 Yeah. 1:06:39.680 --> 1:06:41.760 I felt like I could do anything after that. And 1:06:41.800 --> 1:06:44.720 he just Dija was a little perfect baby. He came out, 1:06:44.760 --> 1:06:48.959 eyes open, ready, just wait, wait for y'all. 1:06:49.480 --> 1:06:49.960 Wow. 1:06:50.040 --> 1:06:51.680 He was like, oh yeah, okay, I chose. 1:06:51.760 --> 1:06:53.160 I chose right, you know what I mean, Like he 1:06:53.240 --> 1:06:57.479 was just looking at us like, okay, all right. But yeah, 1:06:57.640 --> 1:07:01.680 I My pregnancy was great. I didn't have any morning sickness. 1:07:01.680 --> 1:07:05.560 I everything was pretty much smooth sailing third trimester. He 1:07:05.640 --> 1:07:07.439 kind of sat a little bit on my psiatic nerve, 1:07:07.480 --> 1:07:10.640 but other than that, like it was great. It was 1:07:10.680 --> 1:07:13.440 the mental stuff after that. I was just like, I 1:07:13.480 --> 1:07:15.680 can't I can't do this again. I didn't want to 1:07:15.680 --> 1:07:16.560 put myself through that again. 1:07:16.600 --> 1:07:18.560 Did you have uh? 1:07:18.600 --> 1:07:19.000 I had? 1:07:19.040 --> 1:07:21.560 I didn't have postpartum most part Yeah, I didn't have 1:07:21.600 --> 1:07:22.520 postpartum depression. 1:07:22.560 --> 1:07:23.320 I definitely had. 1:07:23.240 --> 1:07:26.320 The baby blues for like three weeks where I just 1:07:26.480 --> 1:07:28.000 I could not keep my emotions skin. 1:07:28.040 --> 1:07:32.040 I wept at everything, everything. 1:07:31.160 --> 1:07:34.720 But it was like a deep weeping. It wasn't just like, oh, 1:07:34.760 --> 1:07:37.960 I'm a little teary. I would just cry and cry 1:07:38.160 --> 1:07:42.320 and cry, and that was that was really tough, but 1:07:42.400 --> 1:07:45.960 also just trying to navigate, like, Okay, you have to 1:07:46.000 --> 1:07:48.560 dedicate your whole life to this person who needs you 1:07:48.560 --> 1:07:51.720 at the moment. And as women were the default parent 1:07:52.240 --> 1:07:54.120 because they have to eat from us, they need to 1:07:54.200 --> 1:07:56.160 be near us, we're the ones that are getting up, 1:07:56.280 --> 1:07:59.520 Like it just becomes a lot and it's overwhelming. And 1:07:59.560 --> 1:08:01.280 I'm one of those people who's like all or nothing, 1:08:01.480 --> 1:08:04.040 so like I'm one hundred percent all in with my husband. 1:08:04.160 --> 1:08:06.880 So to make that split of like. 1:08:07.000 --> 1:08:09.280 Well, you guys had just also kind of started your 1:08:09.280 --> 1:08:12.520 relationship in ways and then introducing a whole life into 1:08:12.560 --> 1:08:13.160 the relationships. 1:08:13.160 --> 1:08:17.080 So we're still learning each other, still love each other obviously, 1:08:17.160 --> 1:08:19.240 but we're still learning each other, our quirks and all 1:08:19.280 --> 1:08:22.280 those things. And now we have DJ that's in the picture, 1:08:22.320 --> 1:08:24.519 and now we have to learn how to parent together 1:08:24.680 --> 1:08:25.360 as people. 1:08:25.080 --> 1:08:27.160 Who are still learning each other each other. 1:08:27.280 --> 1:08:29.800 Right, So it's just there was It was just a lot, 1:08:29.880 --> 1:08:32.680 and I just know personally for myself, I had to 1:08:32.720 --> 1:08:36.200 make that split between my husband and DJ. 1:08:36.439 --> 1:08:38.200 And then whatever was left for me. 1:08:39.080 --> 1:08:42.960 And I know that if there's another, if I bring 1:08:43.000 --> 1:08:45.240 another into this world, there's not gonna be anything left 1:08:45.240 --> 1:08:47.120 for me, because I know how I am, I know 1:08:47.160 --> 1:08:49.559 how I Hi. Those kids are gonna get everything, and 1:08:49.600 --> 1:08:52.800 then my husband's gonna get the rest, yes, which it 1:08:52.840 --> 1:08:55.519 should be husband first and then kids so they can see. 1:08:55.560 --> 1:08:57.280 But I'm working on it. 1:08:57.320 --> 1:08:59.759 I don't think we ever figure out the balance of anything. 1:08:59.840 --> 1:09:01.880 But I just know that there wouldn't be anything left 1:09:01.920 --> 1:09:04.240 for me, and then I know I would spiral because I. 1:09:04.240 --> 1:09:05.280 Just well myself. 1:09:05.320 --> 1:09:08.920 Well, yeah, well that's the thing, is that knowing yourself. Yeah, 1:09:09.280 --> 1:09:13.400 I'm curious because you guys, you guys went into this 1:09:13.520 --> 1:09:16.200 relationship rather quickly, got married and had the baby, and 1:09:16.240 --> 1:09:18.600 you said that you had PTSD from your last relationship, 1:09:19.360 --> 1:09:21.760 like you know, I was talking to my mom about 1:09:21.760 --> 1:09:23.880 this the other day because I was telling she was like, 1:09:23.920 --> 1:09:25.800 you know, when you find the right relationship, they will 1:09:25.840 --> 1:09:29.800 heal the parts of you that you were that that 1:09:30.720 --> 1:09:35.439 were crushed before. Like they won't trigger those same feelings. 1:09:35.439 --> 1:09:37.200 They will make sure that you feel safe in those 1:09:37.280 --> 1:09:44.000 in those things. Yes, And you know, I know I 1:09:44.160 --> 1:09:46.120 almost cried because I was like, I've never had that. 1:09:46.400 --> 1:09:49.000 Oh, okay, we're gonna change that. 1:09:49.760 --> 1:09:52.800 But I've had moments of it and then yeah, it 1:09:52.920 --> 1:09:57.760 always comes crashing. What were some of those things that 1:09:57.800 --> 1:10:00.320 he was able to heal from? Like what your PTSD? 1:10:00.000 --> 1:10:02.360 We have a chapter in our book it's called post 1:10:02.400 --> 1:10:05.240 traumatic baby daddy disorder. Okay, and I realized that your 1:10:05.320 --> 1:10:08.320 last you know, relationship wasn't your baby father's child, but. 1:10:08.320 --> 1:10:10.960 It's I think it's the same concept. 1:10:11.760 --> 1:10:14.080 Yeah, but there is there's a PTSD that we as 1:10:14.120 --> 1:10:16.360 women carry from previous relationships, whether or not you have 1:10:17.400 --> 1:10:18.880 a child. When you have a child with someone, it's 1:10:18.880 --> 1:10:21.200 a little it's a lot more. I think it penetrates 1:10:21.240 --> 1:10:24.200 the soul a little deeper. But you know, there's things 1:10:24.240 --> 1:10:29.479 that we compartmentalize or hold on to in our bodies 1:10:29.520 --> 1:10:32.120 and don't even realize or start judging other people like, 1:10:32.120 --> 1:10:33.360 oh my god, you're gonna do the same thing. You're 1:10:33.360 --> 1:10:35.040 gonna leave me, you're gonna hurt me, you're gonna cheat 1:10:35.040 --> 1:10:38.680 on me, you're gonna disrespect me, like and jumping into 1:10:38.720 --> 1:10:41.080 a relationship so quickly. But now I guess your spirit 1:10:41.600 --> 1:10:43.760 knowing that this was right for you, what was what 1:10:43.800 --> 1:10:45.040 were some of the things that he was able to 1:10:45.120 --> 1:10:47.080 kind of heal so quickly Because you were saying you 1:10:47.120 --> 1:10:48.519 didn't want to be in a room with a man 1:10:48.560 --> 1:10:49.280 by yourself. 1:10:49.479 --> 1:10:51.479 I didn't. I absolutely didn't. 1:10:51.520 --> 1:10:54.960 And I think talking to him first without any of 1:10:55.000 --> 1:10:56.000 the like. 1:10:56.000 --> 1:10:57.600 Oh let me see what you look like, there was 1:10:57.680 --> 1:10:59.599 never any of that. He was never like. 1:11:00.360 --> 1:11:03.000 Get me a picture, yeah yeah, which went on right now. 1:11:03.200 --> 1:11:06.440 It was strictly just like human to human, which I 1:11:06.439 --> 1:11:09.839 immediately was just like, Okay, this is a really good person. 1:11:10.200 --> 1:11:15.080 And that obviously helped me lower my guard a little 1:11:15.080 --> 1:11:18.880 bit because my guard was super high. Again, let me 1:11:18.920 --> 1:11:21.599 preface that it was a year, it was a year 1:11:21.600 --> 1:11:24.280 and a half that I had just taken that out 1:11:24.280 --> 1:11:28.679 of my life. I was open, well, no, I was closed. 1:11:28.960 --> 1:11:31.360 I was closed to being set up. I didn't want that. 1:11:31.439 --> 1:11:33.320 I was open to it being organic. I did not 1:11:33.400 --> 1:11:35.400 want to be set up by anybody. I didn't want 1:11:35.439 --> 1:11:38.280 it to be I was kind of not kind of 1:11:38.320 --> 1:11:39.280 I was specific in. 1:11:39.320 --> 1:11:41.200 What I did want and what I didn't want. 1:11:41.240 --> 1:11:44.400 And I think that that helped because when he showed up, 1:11:44.960 --> 1:11:46.479 I realized my spirit was. 1:11:46.439 --> 1:11:50.479 Like, oh, there you are checking all the boxes. 1:11:50.600 --> 1:11:54.080 Yeah, and I felt safe. Safety was my number one 1:11:54.080 --> 1:11:54.880 thing because I did not. 1:11:54.840 --> 1:11:57.559 Feel safe in my previous relationships, whether it was safe 1:11:57.560 --> 1:12:00.559 to be myself or like physically safe, like I cannot 1:12:00.600 --> 1:12:03.320 be in this home safe. 1:12:04.000 --> 1:12:05.400 I felt safe with him. 1:12:05.400 --> 1:12:09.800 I knew just from the way that when we hung out, 1:12:09.800 --> 1:12:12.479 how he treated me, and he was always looking out 1:12:12.479 --> 1:12:12.720 for me. 1:12:12.800 --> 1:12:15.360 And then it was continued. It didn't just go away. 1:12:15.400 --> 1:12:18.639 It wasn't like that initial courtship yeah, like oh well, 1:12:18.680 --> 1:12:20.439 I'm just gonna show you my best self and then 1:12:21.000 --> 1:12:24.120 you know, then we're gonna change up, which I had 1:12:24.120 --> 1:12:24.840 experienced before. 1:12:24.880 --> 1:12:29.000 It was that sense of safety. It was the no 1:12:29.560 --> 1:12:32.599 preconceptions of who I was. He allowed me to show 1:12:32.680 --> 1:12:35.479 him who I was as opposed to be having me 1:12:35.520 --> 1:12:38.960 on this pedestal, which is I guess a little unique 1:12:39.000 --> 1:12:41.839 to just what I do in my industry, because everybody 1:12:41.840 --> 1:12:44.360 sees me, everybody knows who I am, and they make 1:12:44.360 --> 1:12:46.120 these assumptions of who they think I am. 1:12:46.600 --> 1:12:49.479 Behind closed doors, And it's just not that. 1:12:49.560 --> 1:12:51.599 I think people would be very surprised if they got 1:12:51.600 --> 1:12:53.080 to sit down with me for a while or like 1:12:53.160 --> 1:12:55.439 live with me for a week, like who I am? 1:12:55.640 --> 1:12:58.040 You know, I think the concept of putting women on 1:12:58.080 --> 1:13:01.639 pedestals is very dangerous. Yeah, And I think men really 1:13:02.080 --> 1:13:03.840 they that's something that's their go to when they want 1:13:03.840 --> 1:13:05.519 to make a woman feel special, is like I put 1:13:05.560 --> 1:13:08.160 you on this pedestal. You put me on this pedestal, 1:13:08.240 --> 1:13:10.840 because at any moment I could be knocked off this 1:13:10.880 --> 1:13:13.760 pedestal with any of any of my me showing up 1:13:13.760 --> 1:13:14.200 as human. 1:13:14.439 --> 1:13:14.679 Yep. 1:13:14.960 --> 1:13:16.720 You know. Like I've had men say that. I'm like, please, 1:13:16.760 --> 1:13:18.599 don't do that. I don't want to be on your pedestal. 1:13:18.600 --> 1:13:20.200 I don't want that. Yeah, I don't want you to 1:13:20.200 --> 1:13:21.479 worship me. I don't want you to know. 1:13:21.560 --> 1:13:24.080 As soon as I drop one one one thing, you're like, 1:13:24.120 --> 1:13:24.760 oh you're not. 1:13:24.720 --> 1:13:26.800 There is a level of worship I want. I think 1:13:26.840 --> 1:13:29.719 it's just this concept of pedestal where I am higher 1:13:29.760 --> 1:13:33.640 than every other woman, every other person, like, no, I 1:13:33.680 --> 1:13:37.280 am the same, I am just your woman, like we 1:13:37.280 --> 1:13:39.160 we are s meant to be, Like you could worship 1:13:39.160 --> 1:13:42.240 me in that yeah, that way, but yeah, I totally 1:13:42.320 --> 1:13:42.960 get it. 1:13:43.040 --> 1:13:46.680 That was one of the other things my previous one 1:13:46.680 --> 1:13:49.720 of the relationships I was in. It was almost like 1:13:50.479 --> 1:13:56.480 he was amazed that I was even in his capacity 1:13:56.600 --> 1:13:56.960 like that. 1:13:57.040 --> 1:13:59.479 I was like almost like out of I was so 1:13:59.520 --> 1:14:01.040 far out of his league that once I was. 1:14:01.200 --> 1:14:03.880 With him, he just couldn't handle it and he just 1:14:03.960 --> 1:14:06.360 like didn't know what to do and he sabotaged at 1:14:06.400 --> 1:14:08.679 every corner, and then he made me feel like shit. 1:14:08.800 --> 1:14:11.559 And then because of how he used to treat other women, 1:14:11.600 --> 1:14:14.000 he didn't know how to treat somebody who was good, 1:14:14.600 --> 1:14:17.400 and it was just this whole It was this whole thing. 1:14:17.520 --> 1:14:20.759 Like I hope that he's grown since then. 1:14:20.840 --> 1:14:21.519 Like I hope. 1:14:21.560 --> 1:14:25.160 So I always hold the space. I'm not expecting anything, 1:14:25.240 --> 1:14:27.320 but I'm holding the space that they grow and they learn. 1:14:28.240 --> 1:14:30.240 I don't know if you've experienced this too, because I've 1:14:30.280 --> 1:14:33.920 I've experienced relationship like that too, where like the person 1:14:34.360 --> 1:14:37.760 couldn't believe that they got me, and it gave me 1:14:37.800 --> 1:14:41.800 a sense of safety almost like it made me feel like, Okay, well, 1:14:41.840 --> 1:14:44.200 now I know this person won't disrespect me, like I 1:14:44.240 --> 1:14:47.360 know this person will value me because they can't believe 1:14:47.400 --> 1:14:49.840 that they have me. And that's where we fuck up. 1:14:50.479 --> 1:14:53.280 They didn't because the fact that you thought you couldn't 1:14:53.320 --> 1:14:56.320 get me, you don't value yourself. 1:14:55.960 --> 1:14:57.480 That's a reflection. 1:14:57.640 --> 1:14:59.799 Inevitably that is going to show up in our relationship 1:14:59.840 --> 1:15:02.960 and and how you treat me. Yes, and it always does. 1:15:03.800 --> 1:15:07.160 Women forget about that, and I think men, we're just 1:15:07.200 --> 1:15:07.800 talking about this. 1:15:07.840 --> 1:15:09.160 It's like this idea. 1:15:10.080 --> 1:15:14.320 If the man hasn't done the work to value himself, 1:15:14.960 --> 1:15:16.720 then he is going when he put you on this 1:15:16.760 --> 1:15:18.960 pedestal and he looks at you, there is going to 1:15:18.960 --> 1:15:19.799 be something that happens. 1:15:19.840 --> 1:15:21.600 You're like, oh my god, I don't deserve this, and 1:15:21.680 --> 1:15:23.360 he's going to try and find a flaw in you. 1:15:24.439 --> 1:15:28.200 And then because he can't imagine that women overall can 1:15:28.240 --> 1:15:32.000 be this this or this that, And when you don't feel, 1:15:32.240 --> 1:15:34.160 when you don't feel like you're someone's equal or that 1:15:34.200 --> 1:15:39.880 you deserve them, then like inevitably you're trying to bring 1:15:39.920 --> 1:15:40.599 them down to. 1:15:40.520 --> 1:15:42.839 Where you believe, where you believe that you exist. 1:15:43.000 --> 1:15:45.320 And so, like you know, sometimes people like I think women. 1:15:45.840 --> 1:15:48.120 People tell women not to come off to confident or 1:15:48.160 --> 1:15:49.559 to like I love my fucking self. 1:15:49.560 --> 1:15:51.439 I'm the shit, I look bomb. 1:15:51.520 --> 1:15:54.680 My body's bomb, like I can make babies, like I 1:15:54.720 --> 1:15:55.160 can cook. 1:15:55.200 --> 1:15:55.360 You know. 1:15:56.040 --> 1:15:59.000 We're really like told to like take up less space 1:15:59.439 --> 1:16:01.880 while you're down ourselves, water ourselves. 1:16:01.400 --> 1:16:02.080 Down, you know. 1:16:02.200 --> 1:16:05.160 And I think for men, they if they don't, if 1:16:05.200 --> 1:16:09.839 they haven't had the time to really like feel truly 1:16:09.920 --> 1:16:13.360 like they deserve something of this level, then they, yeah, 1:16:13.439 --> 1:16:16.040 they start to become really mean. 1:16:16.320 --> 1:16:17.680 Yeah, it's like yeah. 1:16:17.600 --> 1:16:21.840 Because they just don't they don't know how, they don't 1:16:21.880 --> 1:16:24.280 know how they got you, but they also don't know 1:16:24.320 --> 1:16:24.599 how to. 1:16:24.520 --> 1:16:25.759 Get themselves out of that space. 1:16:25.800 --> 1:16:27.679 And I think that's the other thing that I really 1:16:29.160 --> 1:16:32.160 what I was attracted to when I met Dana was 1:16:32.400 --> 1:16:34.000 he had been single for seven years. 1:16:34.080 --> 1:16:36.120 He was like, I don't need to do this. 1:16:36.200 --> 1:16:38.360 Not that not saying he was celibate, but he wasn't 1:16:38.400 --> 1:16:41.400 in a committed relationship because he knew himself and because 1:16:41.400 --> 1:16:43.400 he valued himself, because he had been in one that 1:16:43.520 --> 1:16:47.920 really messed him up, and he wanted to just live 1:16:48.000 --> 1:16:52.679 his life and have uh the best time living his life, 1:16:52.720 --> 1:16:55.120 you know, and I was like, I respect that because 1:16:55.160 --> 1:16:58.479 you knew yourself well enough to just take this road 1:16:58.520 --> 1:17:01.280 and this journey. He wasn't trying to fill himself up 1:17:01.320 --> 1:17:04.720 with other things. He knows what his value is. He's 1:17:04.760 --> 1:17:09.360 an amazing man, like he has some incredible ideas. He is, 1:17:10.600 --> 1:17:14.599 he's so fun, he's so beautiful. I just like look 1:17:14.640 --> 1:17:18.240 at him and I'm like, oh, but he's just he's beautiful, 1:17:18.320 --> 1:17:23.040 he's compassionate. He the way his mind works is just 1:17:23.080 --> 1:17:25.360 so intriguing to me. Sometimes I gotta be like, you 1:17:25.400 --> 1:17:26.439 gotta turn it off for a. 1:17:26.479 --> 1:17:28.880 Second, like I need a break. I don't want to 1:17:28.920 --> 1:17:30.360 be talking about this idea at seven am. 1:17:30.439 --> 1:17:30.920 I'm tired. 1:17:30.960 --> 1:17:31.559 It's his sign. 1:17:31.840 --> 1:17:41.599 He's a Taurus and my son oring the day before him. Yes, yes, yes, 1:17:41.680 --> 1:17:44.559 but but I appreciate it and I understand it because 1:17:44.560 --> 1:17:46.880 I'm a goat. So I don't know why I'm a 1:17:46.920 --> 1:17:48.559 sea goat though that doesn't make sense because I don't 1:17:48.560 --> 1:17:50.200 like the water like that. I like it for its 1:17:50.200 --> 1:17:53.360 purification process and to hydrate and moisturize. 1:17:53.640 --> 1:17:55.599 I don't want to go in the ocean. I'm good. 1:17:55.760 --> 1:17:56.360 It's scary. 1:17:56.920 --> 1:17:57.639 Only to get married. 1:17:57.760 --> 1:17:57.960 Yep. 1:17:58.040 --> 1:18:00.519 Only I was like right right here, right here. 1:18:00.600 --> 1:18:02.599 In my waist and the flamingo floating. 1:18:02.640 --> 1:18:03.280 I was good. 1:18:04.439 --> 1:18:06.760 But yeah, so I just I really respected that, and 1:18:06.800 --> 1:18:09.040 that was different than any other relationship I had been 1:18:09.080 --> 1:18:11.160 And they had previous relationships. 1:18:11.200 --> 1:18:12.679 They had come off as though they. 1:18:12.560 --> 1:18:15.479 Were confident, but really, really, when I look at it, 1:18:15.560 --> 1:18:18.519 I'm like, alpha, be careful. 1:18:20.360 --> 1:18:21.080 Really they were. 1:18:21.240 --> 1:18:24.240 And I guess the other thing too, was that they 1:18:24.280 --> 1:18:25.839 were also in the industry. 1:18:25.920 --> 1:18:29.599 I thought, I thought that if I was with somebody 1:18:29.600 --> 1:18:31.920 who did the same thing that I did, have an understanding, 1:18:32.120 --> 1:18:33.160 it would be easy to know. 1:18:34.000 --> 1:18:36.599 No, no, no, no, it was almost worse because now 1:18:36.640 --> 1:18:39.160 everybody knows me. We have all these other people that 1:18:39.200 --> 1:18:41.800 are looking at me. They spent so much time looking 1:18:41.800 --> 1:18:44.320 at the other people looking at me that they weren't 1:18:44.320 --> 1:18:45.479 looking at me looking at them. 1:18:46.479 --> 1:18:48.839 About that, I was like, I'm here looking at you. 1:18:48.840 --> 1:18:50.000 You are the only person I see. 1:18:50.000 --> 1:18:51.960 And I'm also, like I said, I'm one hundred percent, like, 1:18:52.000 --> 1:18:55.280 there's no when I'm committed, there's no swaying. That's that's 1:18:55.360 --> 1:18:59.000 just not there's nothing you cannot there's nothing that anybody 1:18:59.000 --> 1:19:03.280 can do unless I've made that decision. And so I 1:19:03.360 --> 1:19:04.320 just didn't get that. 1:19:04.479 --> 1:19:08.280 I was like, I'm literally here next to you, like I'm. 1:19:08.720 --> 1:19:11.880 With you, but you're concerned about that dude over there 1:19:13.280 --> 1:19:16.919 who's not even over here talking to us, like he's. 1:19:16.720 --> 1:19:19.280 Just looking like you gotta know people are gonna look yeah, 1:19:19.280 --> 1:19:19.679 And I'm. 1:19:19.560 --> 1:19:21.439 Like, you do realize I was who That was the 1:19:21.439 --> 1:19:24.519 other thing I told Dana because once I once i'd 1:19:24.560 --> 1:19:27.400 been through those relationships and I had started going to therapy, 1:19:27.479 --> 1:19:30.080 I started doing work on myself. That was one of 1:19:30.080 --> 1:19:31.559 the first things I told me. I said, I am 1:19:31.600 --> 1:19:32.000 who I am. 1:19:32.040 --> 1:19:32.479 This is my job. 1:19:32.520 --> 1:19:35.720 I'm not changing it for anybody. I am who I am, 1:19:35.800 --> 1:19:38.400 and I will be this way if you date me 1:19:38.520 --> 1:19:41.960 or not. This is my life. People are gonna know me. 1:19:42.240 --> 1:19:44.400 Part of me belongs to the world. That's just that's 1:19:44.439 --> 1:19:46.280 just how it is. People are gonna look at me, 1:19:46.280 --> 1:19:48.960 people are gonna want my attention, people are gonna all 1:19:49.000 --> 1:19:51.759 these different things. You have to be okay with yourself 1:19:51.800 --> 1:19:53.320 to be able to deal with this because I'm not 1:19:53.800 --> 1:19:56.800 changing because I did not that I changed. I still 1:19:56.800 --> 1:19:58.200 did what I did, but I said no to a 1:19:58.240 --> 1:19:59.080 lot of things. 1:19:58.800 --> 1:19:59.920 To appease somebody. 1:20:00.200 --> 1:20:03.040 They're broken egos, and I just was like I'm not 1:20:03.120 --> 1:20:05.280 doing that again. I'm not gonna let you tell me 1:20:05.600 --> 1:20:08.200 who I can hang out with because we're not possessions. 1:20:08.240 --> 1:20:10.800 We are not things to be owned. Dana has his 1:20:11.040 --> 1:20:13.120 female friends, I have my male friends. I think it's 1:20:13.160 --> 1:20:16.400 completely healthy and there's nothing wrong with that. Like, there's 1:20:16.400 --> 1:20:18.880 no I'm also not a jealous person, Like until you 1:20:18.880 --> 1:20:20.760 give me a reason to either be jealous or to 1:20:20.920 --> 1:20:23.559 question you, I'm going to give you my trust. I'm 1:20:23.560 --> 1:20:25.679 going to hold that you are making the right decisions 1:20:25.680 --> 1:20:29.439 for yourself and you're respecting me in those spaces. If 1:20:29.479 --> 1:20:31.439 you show me that you're not, we'll address it then. 1:20:32.400 --> 1:20:35.040 But he I think it's very healthy for us to 1:20:35.080 --> 1:20:37.680 both have our friendships and relationships. And plus, I'm in 1:20:37.680 --> 1:20:40.840 a male dominated industry. I'm around men all the time, 1:20:41.200 --> 1:20:45.200 so this is a treat I am surrounded by men 1:20:45.400 --> 1:20:48.360 all the time. And I really respect Dana for that 1:20:48.439 --> 1:20:50.559 because he's really been able to just be like, yeah, 1:20:50.600 --> 1:20:52.759 go go ahead, you do what you need to do, and. 1:20:52.680 --> 1:20:54.120 He's uplifted me in the process. 1:20:54.880 --> 1:20:57.639 He I've never had somebody support me to the point 1:20:57.720 --> 1:21:02.479 where literally everything he does is to elevate me. I 1:21:02.560 --> 1:21:05.360 just I love you, I love you. I think you're 1:21:05.400 --> 1:21:08.880 the most amazing person on the planet. But he's always 1:21:08.920 --> 1:21:11.400 thinking about me, and that's something that I have to 1:21:11.439 --> 1:21:13.800 work on because I've only had to think about me 1:21:13.880 --> 1:21:15.680 for a really long time and all of my. 1:21:15.680 --> 1:21:17.280 Decisions and things like that. 1:21:17.320 --> 1:21:18.519 But I. 1:21:20.240 --> 1:21:23.599 Can I can come off very detached sometimes, not that 1:21:23.640 --> 1:21:26.200 I which is weird because I'm super empathetic and very 1:21:26.200 --> 1:21:27.960 in tune with my emotions, but I can come off 1:21:28.000 --> 1:21:34.040 really detached and just like okay, And so I have 1:21:34.400 --> 1:21:41.000 learned for myself to cultivate a better connection there with 1:21:41.000 --> 1:21:42.479 with Dana in that way. 1:21:42.560 --> 1:21:44.680 I really have to work on that. 1:21:44.760 --> 1:21:47.040 Like the same excitement that I would want him to 1:21:47.080 --> 1:21:50.760 show me, I have to do as well. And sometimes 1:21:50.800 --> 1:21:52.760 after DJ has been all over me all day and 1:21:52.800 --> 1:21:54.880 I'm touched out, like that's the last thing I want 1:21:54.960 --> 1:21:55.439 is to just be. 1:21:55.479 --> 1:21:57.200 Like you. 1:21:59.160 --> 1:21:59.960 Tell me your ideas. 1:22:00.080 --> 1:22:00.599 You're so smart. 1:22:00.800 --> 1:22:05.200 Yeah, but it's just been so it's it's been interesting, 1:22:05.439 --> 1:22:08.080 Like I think, the ebb and flow of everything. I 1:22:08.080 --> 1:22:10.120 don't think I'm ever going to find a balance. Everybody 1:22:10.160 --> 1:22:11.519 always asks me, well, how do you balance? 1:22:11.520 --> 1:22:12.280 I'm like, I don't. 1:22:12.400 --> 1:22:15.960 That question is crazy. Yeah, I'm like, that question is crazy. 1:22:16.880 --> 1:22:17.800 Here's the blueprint. 1:22:17.840 --> 1:22:18.479 No, you can't. 1:22:18.680 --> 1:22:21.200 It's just some days it's seventy thirty. Some days it's 1:22:21.200 --> 1:22:23.679 one hundred percent just DJ. Some days it's one hundred 1:22:23.680 --> 1:22:26.679 percent just me. Some days it's one hundred percent into data. 1:22:27.800 --> 1:22:30.400 But there really isn't balance. And I think that's the 1:22:30.400 --> 1:22:32.760 cool thing about life, is the polarity and the duality 1:22:32.800 --> 1:22:37.080 of everything is you know, we just kind of life 1:22:37.120 --> 1:22:41.880 is happening for us, not to us. Yes, And I 1:22:41.920 --> 1:22:43.840 think that's a lesson too that I had to learn, 1:22:43.960 --> 1:22:45.320 because sometimes it's like, oh. 1:22:45.120 --> 1:22:47.439 Well, this is just the situation was so horrible and 1:22:47.600 --> 1:22:50.080 I can't believe they did that to me. But it wasn't. 1:22:50.439 --> 1:22:53.280 Looking back, I'm like, that was a protection, so. 1:22:53.240 --> 1:22:54.559 You wouldn't be doing so you wouldn't be an. 1:22:55.400 --> 1:22:57.960 I cannot tell you how. I just got goosebumps. 1:22:57.960 --> 1:23:01.920 I've been protected so much at my angels, my ancestors, God, 1:23:01.960 --> 1:23:03.639 the Source, the Creator has. 1:23:03.520 --> 1:23:04.760 Been looking out for your girl. 1:23:04.800 --> 1:23:08.240 Okay, because there have been plenty of times where I 1:23:08.360 --> 1:23:10.080 wanted it to be a yes so badly, whether it 1:23:10.120 --> 1:23:14.439 was a relationship or a role or the label or 1:23:14.479 --> 1:23:16.960 whatever it was, and it was a big fat no 1:23:17.880 --> 1:23:21.440 or big fat warning sign, and I was completely protected 1:23:21.479 --> 1:23:24.240 from the aftermath of what happened when I look at 1:23:24.280 --> 1:23:25.840 it from the outside. 1:23:25.640 --> 1:23:27.320 Thinking that it was a no, but it was a 1:23:27.360 --> 1:23:30.920 reroun yes, yeah, no, it was a nope plot twist 1:23:31.479 --> 1:23:35.680 yes no. And and here's what you're actually deserve and 1:23:35.720 --> 1:23:36.639 what you want yep. 1:23:36.520 --> 1:23:39.720 No dot dot dot. The ellipsis no, here's more. This 1:23:39.760 --> 1:23:42.120 is this is what you're gonna do. So I don't know, 1:23:42.200 --> 1:23:47.640 it's been, it's been interesting, it's never it's it's always going. 1:23:47.560 --> 1:23:48.120 Never ending. 1:23:48.439 --> 1:23:51.720 I guess it's an ongoing journey of like discovery. 1:23:51.880 --> 1:23:53.080 I can sit here and talk to you forever. 1:23:53.320 --> 1:23:56.360 I know me too, but we can't. 1:23:57.680 --> 1:23:59.040 But we can. 1:23:59.200 --> 1:24:00.360 We can, Okay, before we. 1:24:00.360 --> 1:24:02.320 Get out of here. Two things. I want to play 1:24:02.360 --> 1:24:05.599 a game with you. Okay. It's called Trigger. Oh great, okay, 1:24:06.320 --> 1:24:09.000 And it's a game we play with our guests. And basically, 1:24:09.240 --> 1:24:11.080 I say a word and you say the first thing 1:24:11.080 --> 1:24:13.280 that comes to your mind. Don't overthink it. 1:24:13.360 --> 1:24:14.960 Okay, damn you know me. 1:24:15.760 --> 1:24:16.759 I'm gonna be like wait. 1:24:19.160 --> 1:24:20.920 And try to just you can say more than one word, 1:24:20.920 --> 1:24:22.040 but try to keep it in one word. 1:24:23.240 --> 1:24:33.880 Bad habits, oh overeating, marriage, challenging, motherhood also challenging monogamy. 1:24:34.720 --> 1:24:40.080 Easy cannabis love it, black women love them? 1:24:40.200 --> 1:24:42.320 Yes, purity ring. 1:24:43.479 --> 1:24:46.000 Uh, I don't have one anymore. 1:24:48.360 --> 1:24:50.680 I don't know what graduated, it's gone graduated. 1:24:51.920 --> 1:24:52.400 Religion? 1:24:53.160 --> 1:25:04.599 Uh boxes anal? I mean, I mean I'm always done 1:25:04.600 --> 1:25:05.080 to explore. 1:25:05.160 --> 1:25:12.680 Okay, boxers or briefs. Uh, briefs turn on? Wait what 1:25:12.760 --> 1:25:13.360 does it turn on? 1:25:13.680 --> 1:25:13.880 Oh? 1:25:13.920 --> 1:25:14.920 Oh what is a turn on? 1:25:15.439 --> 1:25:19.799 Uh? Please, I'm a savio sexual. Just please stimulate my mind. 1:25:20.240 --> 1:25:24.599 Turn off? Oh fuck? 1:25:24.680 --> 1:25:26.320 How do I don't know how to word this? 1:25:26.760 --> 1:25:36.000 Uh? Turn off would probably be ooh bad bad bad 1:25:36.080 --> 1:25:37.439 dental oral hygiene. 1:25:37.520 --> 1:25:39.400 Ooh girl, that's a good one. 1:25:39.920 --> 1:25:48.320 Yeah, yeah, something we're all triggered down. Mushrooms love them? Hey, hey, 1:25:49.240 --> 1:25:53.640 pregnancy one and done. Favorite porn category. 1:25:54.880 --> 1:25:56.080 I don't have one. 1:25:56.280 --> 1:25:58.320 You watch porn? Have you ever watched born? 1:25:58.640 --> 1:26:03.760 Yeah? But I'm not like looking in Yeah. Yeah, I 1:26:03.840 --> 1:26:05.120 don't know. I guess I don't know. 1:26:05.280 --> 1:26:07.599 I have no idea favorite sex position. 1:26:08.680 --> 1:26:11.280 Oh, I have one, but I don't know the name 1:26:11.320 --> 1:26:12.080 of it because it's new. 1:26:13.240 --> 1:26:14.320 I just explained it. 1:26:14.400 --> 1:26:15.080 Yeah. 1:26:15.120 --> 1:26:17.559 So the guy is laying down and then the girl 1:26:17.840 --> 1:26:22.799 is It's almost like reverse cowgirl, but not center like one. 1:26:22.720 --> 1:26:25.000 Leg, yeah, that one, like the one like one on 1:26:25.000 --> 1:26:27.040 the side. 1:26:26.640 --> 1:26:28.720 Yeah, because you can kind of get that booty like 1:26:29.200 --> 1:26:29.960 that side booty. 1:26:31.000 --> 1:26:36.120 It's amazing. I'm like, big, can we do the can we. 1:26:34.960 --> 1:26:38.479 Please with the reverse one like cowgirl whatever. 1:26:41.040 --> 1:26:43.360 Then they can turn too, so they have the so 1:26:43.400 --> 1:26:45.880 he could like get on his side and you can. 1:26:45.840 --> 1:26:51.200 Really get in there. Biggest insecurity probably my stomach to 1:26:52.320 --> 1:26:55.040 me too, girl pregnancy. I think I've always like not 1:26:55.200 --> 1:26:58.200 loved my stomach, but then after pregnancy, I gained seventy 1:26:58.240 --> 1:27:00.200 pounds in my pregnancy. I don't know, I know, it's 1:27:00.200 --> 1:27:06.000 crazy and it's it's just like it's just never the same. Yeah. 1:27:06.680 --> 1:27:11.160 I mean, I appreciate my how powerful my body is 1:27:11.200 --> 1:27:13.960 to have like done that, but I'm like, hey, can 1:27:14.000 --> 1:27:15.479 you just you know, do me a little favor and 1:27:15.680 --> 1:27:16.760 stop jiggling so much? 1:27:16.840 --> 1:27:19.439 I know, I was like still, but if I need 1:27:19.479 --> 1:27:21.760 to get this cut open and stretched out like this, 1:27:21.800 --> 1:27:22.439 he'll like grab it. 1:27:22.479 --> 1:27:24.400 And I said, you did that, and he's like I 1:27:24.400 --> 1:27:26.160 did to say, yeah, my belly was out to hear. 1:27:26.640 --> 1:27:28.760 He's the only person that I let do that. I've 1:27:28.760 --> 1:27:31.120 been so sensitive about my stomach for such a long time. 1:27:31.120 --> 1:27:34.719 That like anybody touches it, and I'm like, even my husband, 1:27:34.760 --> 1:27:35.360 I'm trying not to. 1:27:35.439 --> 1:27:36.439 I'm trying not to him like. 1:27:37.560 --> 1:27:40.120 Some mirror You gotta do some mirror work me too, 1:27:40.280 --> 1:27:42.639 because I go my sometimes when I'm like lower weight 1:27:42.640 --> 1:27:44.040 than I'm like, okay, it's cute, and then I gave 1:27:44.080 --> 1:27:45.880 five pounds, like I hate it again and like I 1:27:45.920 --> 1:27:48.080 can't do this to myself. Yeah, to stop, and I'm 1:27:48.080 --> 1:27:50.280 not going to get a tummy tuck, so just shut up. 1:27:50.360 --> 1:27:51.120 Yeah, that's not happening. 1:27:51.280 --> 1:27:54.360 If we if well surgery for if we needed, but 1:27:54.400 --> 1:27:56.200 if we were meant to have it, we'd have zippers. 1:27:56.200 --> 1:27:58.600 I think zippers. Zippers. Yeah, we were meant to go 1:27:58.680 --> 1:27:59.040 all up. 1:27:58.960 --> 1:28:01.559 In there and it would be easy, right, Yeah, we 1:28:01.640 --> 1:28:03.400 just we already have zippers on our bible. 1:28:04.720 --> 1:28:06.479 I'm not mad about not having zippers on my titties. 1:28:06.479 --> 1:28:08.240 I definitely cut these open again and do it again. 1:28:09.040 --> 1:28:10.080 I don't want zippers there either. 1:28:11.360 --> 1:28:12.599 He's the best and best one I ever made. 1:28:13.479 --> 1:28:14.240 They are beautiful. 1:28:14.439 --> 1:28:22.040 Thank you, Doctor Laverson in San Diego. 1:28:19.320 --> 1:28:24.360 Oh No, I don't like to share. 1:28:25.000 --> 1:28:27.920 She's selfish. I'm just kidding. 1:28:28.120 --> 1:28:29.160 I do not like to share. 1:28:29.280 --> 1:28:31.639 I feel you girl, last, but not least. 1:28:31.680 --> 1:28:37.880 Biggest regret, biggest regret. 1:28:38.720 --> 1:28:42.440 That's actually a really good question because I I don't really. 1:28:43.680 --> 1:28:47.080 Regret anything in my life. 1:28:48.640 --> 1:28:51.760 Mate, Well, I do regret yelling at this girl named 1:28:51.800 --> 1:28:53.360 Kelly when I was in the fifth grade. 1:28:54.000 --> 1:28:55.800 Oh my god, you have to be a cancer somewhere 1:28:55.800 --> 1:28:57.840 in your chart, girl, because the way you just remember. 1:28:57.560 --> 1:29:00.400 That, Kelly, you hear this, Kelly, I know, I don't 1:29:00.400 --> 1:29:00.920 really sorry. 1:29:01.000 --> 1:29:03.160 I will never forget it, though, because I'm not really 1:29:03.200 --> 1:29:06.599 a yellow like that, and and it was just I 1:29:06.720 --> 1:29:10.040 was so irritated and I yelled so loud in her face, 1:29:10.080 --> 1:29:12.360 and I told her that no one liked her, and 1:29:12.360 --> 1:29:15.760 and I've never forgotten that. So I'm sorry you're at 1:29:15.880 --> 1:29:19.280 I'm like, I still remember, Like that makes my stomach 1:29:19.320 --> 1:29:20.479 hurt like thinking about it. 1:29:20.640 --> 1:29:26.719 So yeah, I would say that. And then biggest regret. 1:29:27.800 --> 1:29:29.360 I don't really have a major. 1:29:29.080 --> 1:29:31.679 One, Like I don't have any There's no like regret 1:29:31.760 --> 1:29:34.240 that was like life changing, if if that makes sense. 1:29:34.240 --> 1:29:35.200 So I don't really have one. 1:29:35.479 --> 1:29:37.360 Good Yeah, I think I think it's I think it's 1:29:37.400 --> 1:29:40.240 best to live life without regrets, or at least lead 1:29:40.280 --> 1:29:40.519 with me. 1:29:41.040 --> 1:29:42.599 I can't do anything that can't change anything. 1:29:42.840 --> 1:29:46.240 That was my high school senior quote regrets, no regret, 1:29:46.280 --> 1:29:47.120 no regrets. 1:29:47.160 --> 1:29:50.439 I was I was the early yellow. Let's go. 1:29:54.360 --> 1:29:57.200 There. So we usually ask our guests if they have 1:29:57.960 --> 1:30:00.320 a whorri we have a segment on our taro. 1:30:00.400 --> 1:30:03.160 First tell her so then she can have time to 1:30:03.200 --> 1:30:05.040 think about it, and then I'll do the taro and 1:30:05.120 --> 1:30:06.639 then we'll do the horri for after. 1:30:06.840 --> 1:30:09.679 Okay, So a horror story is a hotel like whether 1:30:09.680 --> 1:30:12.200 that's with your husband or a previous partner or whatever, 1:30:12.280 --> 1:30:15.759 something that's either hi on the host scale, the host scale, 1:30:15.840 --> 1:30:20.560 sexy little sexy sex story, or maybe something that was 1:30:20.600 --> 1:30:23.760 like really embarrassing, like we have one recently. That is 1:30:23.920 --> 1:30:26.040 if you're on Patreon, which you should subscribe to Patreon. 1:30:26.120 --> 1:30:28.040 Right the fuck now, please don't repeat that story. 1:30:28.400 --> 1:30:30.160 I'm not gonna repeat it. I'm going to make them 1:30:30.160 --> 1:30:34.000 go to Patreon. There's a little nasty little story that 1:30:34.040 --> 1:30:36.479 we shared on Patreon. It's actually in audio form, which 1:30:36.520 --> 1:30:39.400 is even fucking better. I'm gonna start making people submit 1:30:39.560 --> 1:30:43.760 through audio like the story was wow, I mean, I'm 1:30:43.800 --> 1:30:44.240 grossed up. 1:30:44.360 --> 1:30:47.240 It could even be gross. It could be surprisingly like scary. 1:30:47.240 --> 1:30:48.599 It could be like oh, that was. 1:30:48.880 --> 1:30:51.920 That was a whole highlight time and I really appreciate that. 1:30:53.520 --> 1:30:57.160 So if you sorry, and yeah, think about it. 1:30:57.160 --> 1:30:59.759 If you're gonna be my version of a hot yeah. 1:30:59.840 --> 1:31:03.479 There's no judgment whatever level you're at. Okay, we welcome 1:31:03.520 --> 1:31:04.280 all the stories. 1:31:05.760 --> 1:31:08.160 But in the meantime, I know we when we started 1:31:08.200 --> 1:31:11.200 the show, we let you you chose a tarot card 1:31:11.640 --> 1:31:13.040 and you got the Ninus Swords. 1:31:13.040 --> 1:31:14.280 And I've never done this before. 1:31:14.320 --> 1:31:17.559 Actually, I'm very yeah, I'm very intrigued to see. Well, 1:31:17.560 --> 1:31:19.400 you can let us know if it resonates with with you. 1:31:19.439 --> 1:31:20.200 It usually does. 1:31:21.040 --> 1:31:23.240 And when you looked at it, you seem like the imagery, 1:31:23.640 --> 1:31:24.960 it's like, can we hold. 1:31:24.760 --> 1:31:26.200 It up so they can see what I picked. 1:31:26.240 --> 1:31:28.400 It's like a woman or man sitting up in the bed, 1:31:28.520 --> 1:31:31.240 like look like very it's me. 1:31:34.280 --> 1:31:35.720 They look a little distraught. 1:31:36.560 --> 1:31:38.800 Just a little bit. Okay, okay, So what does it 1:31:38.880 --> 1:31:40.320 mean upright? 1:31:40.360 --> 1:31:43.600 It means there's anxiety, worry, fear, nightmares. 1:31:46.320 --> 1:31:47.479 Let's see, let's see. 1:31:47.560 --> 1:31:50.679 The Ninos Swords suggests that dark thoughts are disturbing feelings, 1:31:50.720 --> 1:31:52.760 are weighing you down and keeping you up at night. 1:31:53.080 --> 1:31:55.960 You are worrying excessively about a situation, and your negative 1:31:55.960 --> 1:31:58.639 thoughts are getting the better of you, leaving you stressed 1:31:58.640 --> 1:32:00.920 and anxious. The more you see sciate with your fears, 1:32:00.920 --> 1:32:03.679 the more they will rule your life. As you obsess 1:32:03.760 --> 1:32:06.280 over what's not working, the more anxious you become, and 1:32:06.320 --> 1:32:09.400 the more you will worry. It becomes a negative cycle 1:32:09.400 --> 1:32:11.880 where one awful thought leads to another, and another and 1:32:11.960 --> 1:32:13.639 another until they overwhelm you. 1:32:13.760 --> 1:32:15.320 This is I also resonate with this. 1:32:16.520 --> 1:32:18.679 Just as the Nine of Swords are stacked upon each 1:32:18.720 --> 1:32:22.240 other each other on the wall, so too are your 1:32:22.240 --> 1:32:25.720 negative thoughts. Be careful because the fear and worry in 1:32:25.760 --> 1:32:29.120 the Nine of Swords can become sorry. It can become 1:32:29.120 --> 1:32:32.120 a self fulfilling prophecy. As you obsessed over what you 1:32:32.320 --> 1:32:34.479 may what may go wrong, you are more likely to 1:32:34.560 --> 1:32:38.880 manifest your worst case scenario because you are inadvertently acting 1:32:38.920 --> 1:32:42.920 in ways that support your negative thoughts. You feel like 1:32:42.960 --> 1:32:47.720 this is resonating with you what you think the more 1:32:47.760 --> 1:32:52.480 you're my phone died? 1:32:54.720 --> 1:32:55.519 This is this is what. 1:32:55.400 --> 1:33:01.040 Happens when your tarot in training and you rely on 1:33:01.080 --> 1:33:01.639 Biddy Tara. 1:33:02.240 --> 1:33:05.360 Honestly, I mean I think I that wait, wait when 1:33:05.400 --> 1:33:07.120 the Nine of Swords appears in a reading, it is 1:33:07.160 --> 1:33:08.400 time to reach out for help. 1:33:08.640 --> 1:33:09.759 Oh help me, Jesus. 1:33:10.600 --> 1:33:13.719 I did, Yeah, you did, you did. 1:33:14.320 --> 1:33:14.920 Yeah. 1:33:15.120 --> 1:33:17.200 You don't need to do this alone. You don't. You 1:33:17.240 --> 1:33:19.120 have a group of women that are waiting to embrace 1:33:19.160 --> 1:33:21.160 you and list the support of others to help you 1:33:21.200 --> 1:33:23.479 get through the dark period of your life. Others will 1:33:23.479 --> 1:33:24.840 help you see the light at the end of the 1:33:24.840 --> 1:33:27.000 tunnel and lead you towards a solution or a sense 1:33:27.040 --> 1:33:29.840 of peace. Despite your troubles. You are struggling to look 1:33:29.920 --> 1:33:33.280 at your situation clearly as you are plagued by negative thoughts, 1:33:33.360 --> 1:33:36.519 so having an objective, third party perspective will help you 1:33:36.560 --> 1:33:40.840 find your way out. Yes, Oh, there is light at 1:33:40.840 --> 1:33:41.719 the end of the tunnel. 1:33:41.960 --> 1:33:44.040 Well, I definitely relate to it because, like I was 1:33:44.080 --> 1:33:46.920 talking about with my project, I'm we're like in the 1:33:46.960 --> 1:33:49.000 middle of it, and I'm just like, I really want 1:33:49.080 --> 1:33:51.000 this to work, like it has to work, and I 1:33:51.040 --> 1:33:52.680 want it to work. And I think that's where my 1:33:52.760 --> 1:33:55.559 thoughts start to spiral because of the experiences I've had before, 1:33:55.720 --> 1:33:56.439 like the what ifs. 1:33:56.600 --> 1:33:58.640 Yeah, but I'm trying. 1:33:58.360 --> 1:34:00.759 To shift it because somebody just asked me a question 1:34:00.880 --> 1:34:04.240 the other day for advice and she was like, well, 1:34:04.280 --> 1:34:06.000 how do I go about putting this music out? 1:34:06.040 --> 1:34:07.200 It's very vulnerable. I'm scared. 1:34:07.240 --> 1:34:08.960 And I said, well, you have to shift your thoughts 1:34:09.040 --> 1:34:11.519 from what if it sucks and what if people hate 1:34:11.560 --> 1:34:13.800 it to but what if it's great? What if they 1:34:13.920 --> 1:34:16.599 love it? And so I have to do that for myself. 1:34:16.640 --> 1:34:21.599 And I think the stress also comes from, like, I mean, 1:34:22.920 --> 1:34:25.880 it's my livelihood, you know, so if it doesn't work, 1:34:26.000 --> 1:34:29.439 I have to like not scramble. But I'm grateful that 1:34:29.520 --> 1:34:33.639 I have the opportunities to do other things like act 1:34:33.720 --> 1:34:37.559 and host and do all those other things. But when 1:34:37.560 --> 1:34:39.920 the music is working, everything else is really working. So 1:34:40.000 --> 1:34:41.240 I really need this to work. 1:34:42.120 --> 1:34:42.360 Yeah. 1:34:43.360 --> 1:34:46.479 Yeah, it is my passion. That's true. That's definitely true. 1:34:46.520 --> 1:34:48.479 It is my passion. I have to sing. I want 1:34:48.520 --> 1:34:50.800 to sing. I want to be on stage. And I 1:34:50.840 --> 1:34:54.240 think where the fear comes in is because the landscape 1:34:54.280 --> 1:34:56.960 has changed so much since even the last time I 1:34:57.000 --> 1:34:59.360 put out music, like I put out a little EP, 1:34:59.560 --> 1:35:01.679 I put out Christmas album and an EP and twenty 1:35:01.720 --> 1:35:05.280 twenty and it's changed even from that time, And I'm like, 1:35:06.000 --> 1:35:11.960 is this new landscape gonna accept this music? Yes, it 1:35:12.040 --> 1:35:13.920 is the majority, but I guess when I'm sleeping, all 1:35:13.960 --> 1:35:15.080 those subconscious thoughts come out. 1:35:15.080 --> 1:35:18.559 Because I had the craziest nightmare, Like last week. 1:35:18.640 --> 1:35:22.720 I woke up in a I was sweating, I was panicked. 1:35:23.080 --> 1:35:25.080 I looked back and Dana was there, and I was like, 1:35:25.800 --> 1:35:29.559 it was so real, it was so real, and. 1:35:29.520 --> 1:35:31.559 So yeah, so this card really does resonate. 1:35:31.680 --> 1:35:33.880 Yes, And I'm very excited for our trip. 1:35:35.360 --> 1:35:37.720 I'm very excited for our trip. I need women, I 1:35:37.800 --> 1:35:40.320 need time to myself. I'm very excited. 1:35:40.640 --> 1:35:42.640 Yes, And this episode's gonna come out in July, so 1:35:42.680 --> 1:35:44.479 you'll already have been on the trip. But just you 1:35:44.520 --> 1:35:46.599 guys know, Jordan's might be there right now. Jordan's she's 1:35:46.600 --> 1:35:49.360 probably there right now. She's in Mexico. Geordan's joining us 1:35:49.400 --> 1:35:50.920 on the Good Vibra Tree. And I'm just so excited 1:35:50.960 --> 1:35:54.960 to create spaces for women, for all women, because we 1:35:55.000 --> 1:35:57.200 do need those spaces. We need places and spaces to 1:35:57.240 --> 1:36:03.559 feel like safe. Human human unplug not be needed, not 1:36:03.800 --> 1:36:06.599 especially if you are a natural. If you're a natural, 1:36:06.600 --> 1:36:10.120 instinct is to pour into everyone. You sometimes have to 1:36:10.160 --> 1:36:14.080 remove yourself from the pouring place. Oh, I know you 1:36:14.240 --> 1:36:17.840 have to, or you can't physically do it. So it's just. 1:36:17.760 --> 1:36:21.080 Because I will always go and sit back down, even 1:36:21.160 --> 1:36:25.080 if I'm dragging mommy sit with Okay, yeah, okay, I 1:36:25.120 --> 1:36:27.400 will and I think that's important. But at the same time, 1:36:27.520 --> 1:36:31.080 like I definitely have to be gone, like out of. 1:36:31.479 --> 1:36:33.840 You've got to say, yes, I have to be gone, 1:36:33.960 --> 1:36:34.759 out of the country. 1:36:34.920 --> 1:36:37.240 Yeah, And Dana, the amazing thing was I showed it 1:36:37.280 --> 1:36:38.519 to him and I was like showing the thing. 1:36:38.560 --> 1:36:40.200 I said, Babe, look at this. Doesn't this sound amazing? 1:36:40.280 --> 1:36:41.479 He was like, I want to go. I said, nope, 1:36:42.000 --> 1:36:44.920 not you, No, no, just for me. And I was like, so. 1:36:45.080 --> 1:36:48.360 Cause we you know, he actually is my he is 1:36:48.439 --> 1:36:50.720 managing me at the time now and he's also my 1:36:50.760 --> 1:36:54.240 an R, so we also work together. And so scheduling, 1:36:54.320 --> 1:36:56.400 I had to be like, do we have these days open? 1:36:56.439 --> 1:36:57.800 And he was like yeah, And I was like, okay, 1:36:57.800 --> 1:37:00.559 I'm taking them. Don't book anything, I don't care what 1:37:00.600 --> 1:37:02.760 comes in. I'm this is what I'm doing. I was like, 1:37:02.760 --> 1:37:05.439 all right, and so I just to be sure yesterday 1:37:05.520 --> 1:37:08.240 was like, so are we good? And he was like, Babe, 1:37:08.280 --> 1:37:10.400 I really just you need to just do it, just 1:37:10.439 --> 1:37:13.360 buy it, just go because he knows and I'm actually 1:37:13.400 --> 1:37:16.320 grateful because I'm the one that's like I will be 1:37:16.360 --> 1:37:18.080 the one like, Nope, I gotta stay here, I gotta 1:37:18.120 --> 1:37:19.479 do this, I gotta do this. And Dane's like, can 1:37:19.520 --> 1:37:20.719 you go hang out with some friends? 1:37:21.439 --> 1:37:21.920 Like can you go? 1:37:21.960 --> 1:37:23.560 Because he'll go on guys trips all the time, and 1:37:23.600 --> 1:37:25.600 I have no problem with him, like go ahead, like 1:37:25.720 --> 1:37:26.719 please have a good time. 1:37:26.760 --> 1:37:28.160 But I won't do it for myself. 1:37:28.280 --> 1:37:31.360 So I'm grateful that I have that he can see 1:37:31.360 --> 1:37:32.639 that I need it. 1:37:32.760 --> 1:37:36.639 Well, congratulations on choosing yourself and doing that, and hopefully 1:37:36.680 --> 1:37:40.280 you'll even get more clarity and peace around releasing some 1:37:40.360 --> 1:37:46.080 of these feelings and ideas that this card holds. Well, 1:37:46.160 --> 1:37:46.879 this was beautiful. 1:37:46.960 --> 1:37:48.719 Well wait, wait did you think of that hard? Oh shit, 1:37:54.040 --> 1:37:57.080 let's see how juicy? Juicy? I mean, I don't know. 1:37:58.439 --> 1:38:00.920 I don't have very many exciting story used to be honest. 1:38:01.280 --> 1:38:03.639 Uh, Well, I will say I did have a hope 1:38:03.640 --> 1:38:05.240 phase for like six months. 1:38:06.240 --> 1:38:09.680 Six I had two phones. The whole thing. I had 1:38:09.680 --> 1:38:11.519 two phones. I was like I had one for work 1:38:11.560 --> 1:38:12.200 and one for play. 1:38:12.400 --> 1:38:14.200 If you want to listen to Jordan Sparks, host host 1:38:14.400 --> 1:38:17.320 host story Okay Hory, make sure you go check out 1:38:17.320 --> 1:38:20.519 our Patreon, you can go to paton dot com backslash 1:38:20.520 --> 1:38:22.559 Good Moms Bad Choices or guess what, guys, we're not 1:38:22.840 --> 1:38:24.920 We're not rated n X or whatever the fuck they 1:38:24.960 --> 1:38:27.479 had us on Patreon for no fucking reason for You 1:38:27.520 --> 1:38:29.760 can now search Good Mom's Bad Choices in Patreon. They 1:38:29.760 --> 1:38:33.439 finally released them. The hole on our account is they 1:38:33.640 --> 1:38:34.320 you know, they. 1:38:34.200 --> 1:38:36.519 Realize we're not X rated. Yeah, we're not doing poorn 1:38:36.560 --> 1:38:39.400 over here? Can't surprise? Can you believe it? 1:38:41.160 --> 1:38:43.680 Well, Jordan, thank you so much for coming and. 1:38:44.160 --> 1:38:45.240 I really enjoyed myself. 1:38:45.479 --> 1:38:47.720 Tell our people where they can find you. 1:38:47.720 --> 1:38:53.200 You can find me on your radios. I'm kidding. Yeah, 1:38:53.439 --> 1:38:55.120 you can find me at Jordan's. 1:38:54.760 --> 1:39:00.479 Sparks on all platforms except for TikTok. I think it's 1:39:00.520 --> 1:39:04.120 official Jordan Sparks j R D I N S P 1:39:04.240 --> 1:39:05.280 A r K S. 1:39:05.520 --> 1:39:09.479 And keep your ears and your. 1:39:09.320 --> 1:39:11.680 Eyes open for the new music because it's going to 1:39:11.760 --> 1:39:13.400 be really good and you won't regret listening to it. 1:39:13.560 --> 1:39:19.320 And yes, and we love you and we hope you 1:39:19.360 --> 1:39:45.600 have a beautiful rest of your week. 1:39:24.320 --> 1:39:29.280 M M 1:39:31.720 --> 1:39:36.600 M M