Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. To sign your
Speaker 1: guest cost Cold Stratton in for KP. Let's meet everybody today,
Speaker 1: shollow me in no particular order, that's all. Thing is here,
Speaker 1: that's all. Uh. If you could have dinner with any athlete,
Speaker 1: living or dead, though the dead one may not have dinner,
Speaker 1: what would it be. Oh, that's very tough, they're very tough.
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe Muhammad Ali. Maybe yeah, I'll go with that.
Speaker 1: I'd like to have with him. And since yeah, and
Speaker 1: more food for me, I guess. So that's good. Look
Speaker 1: that that that's good. Next up it's Craig Kakowski. Hey,
Speaker 1: Craigor's what lazy writing conceit in movies drives you crazy?
Speaker 1: Is there a thing that happens that people rely on
Speaker 1: that just makes you bonkers when you see it? That's
Speaker 1: my car. It's not as coming anymore. But I think
Speaker 1: Phil feels like cars always gets got stolen in eighties
Speaker 1: and nineties action movies, and there would always be a
Speaker 1: business and asshole businessman, h white guy in a suit
Speaker 1: who'd come running out after the sports car that he
Speaker 1: had left, you know, running or with the keys. That's
Speaker 1: a good thing. I love that Mine is always like
Speaker 1: the like overhearing something out of context when you're about
Speaker 1: to confess something to somebody, Like you know, you're walking
Speaker 1: to the door to tell somebody you love them, and
Speaker 1: then you hear them say like, I hate them when
Speaker 1: they don't love me the way I want them too,
Speaker 1: and they just really hate them part and turn away,
Speaker 1: and then you have to add a thirty minutes onto
Speaker 1: the movie because that makes me crazy. I hate it
Speaker 1: so much. And that's the equivalent also of turning on
Speaker 1: the news to get the exact store. Yeah, turning it
Speaker 1: off the second that story is over. Still on the
Speaker 1: loose click hey, speaking of it's Mark Gagliardi, still on
Speaker 1: the loot the Mark, Hey, what candy or sweet treat?
Speaker 1: Do you like that? Others might not be so wild about.
Speaker 1: I am a I'm a Whoppers fan, and it turns
Speaker 1: out I thought everybody loved Whoppers. Not everybody loves Whoppers.
Speaker 1: That malted milk that is malted milk balls that come
Speaker 1: in I guess, so you know that it is malted milk.
Speaker 1: It comes in what looks like a milk cart. So
Speaker 1: I also love that it comes in that that milk cart.
Speaker 1: And I remember from my childhood. Yeah, I'm a full
Speaker 1: on I'm a full on whop head. Ye. Last, but
Speaker 1: not least, it's Jackie do Ruthie, Jackie, what tech or
Speaker 1: life innovation do you hope they figure out in the
Speaker 1: next ten years? Like in ten years, what's the cool
Speaker 1: thing that they could develop that you would be totally
Speaker 1: into tech or life innovation? I mean, I get the
Speaker 1: way I answered these is I go with my gut
Speaker 1: and I just say the first thing that came to
Speaker 1: my mind, and then later sometimes I'm like, God, God,
Speaker 1: why did I do that? But this time I like
Speaker 1: what my gut is saying. Though it will bring us
Speaker 1: to a serious place. Um, I hope we fucking find
Speaker 1: a cure for cancer. Whether that that's an innovation that
Speaker 1: needs to happen, um, tech or life. I would call
Speaker 1: it a life innovation. But if tech tech is going
Speaker 1: to get us there for sure? Um if that I
Speaker 1: want that the most. And then an asshole businessman runs
Speaker 1: out and goes, that's my cure. Now, I like, I'm
Speaker 1: with you there, that would be pretty amazing. Well, on
Speaker 1: that fun note, I know I know that all food
Speaker 1: based inns were food based. All of our scenes suggestions
Speaker 1: are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon va
Speaker 1: p s. To become a Patreon supporter of the show
Speaker 1: and enjoy it exclusive content and other perks, just head
Speaker 1: on over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If
Speaker 1: you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
Speaker 1: write to the podcast at alchemy this email at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. That's dot com. Scene one is from Alchemy
Speaker 1: v I P. Corey Booth, who wrote warning scene suggestion
Speaker 1: look away for those who must a Mario Kart race
Speaker 1: being covered like it was NASCAR. Love you guys, man.
Speaker 1: We here live to see the race of the century,
Speaker 1: and I'm always here with my co host Tureen. Taureen
Speaker 1: glad to have you on board. It's loud as hell, Jimmy,
Speaker 1: it's loud as hell. Trinaw you you've been a you're
Speaker 1: a driver for a long time. Can you give us
Speaker 1: some example of what's going on in their heads right
Speaker 1: now before the race starts. Well, I'm someone who would
Speaker 1: choose a motorcycle over a four wheel learned that was
Speaker 1: my choice the race. And as you know these races,
Speaker 1: you can have either one and they're gonna be in
Speaker 1: the same, uh competition. I was a motorcycle girl. So
Speaker 1: I was always about my tight turns, and I was
Speaker 1: honestly thinking a lot about my power ups and how
Speaker 1: I was gonna, you know, more more defense than offense.
Speaker 1: I was a defensive driver, defensive driver. Okay, And I
Speaker 1: have a question for you, actually, Jimmy, you're someone who's
Speaker 1: actually had a lot of personal loss on the uh
Speaker 1: the driveway here on the on the track. Are you
Speaker 1: talking about my betting abbots? Um? Yes, gambling is an issue.
Speaker 1: How's it going right? I think today I have some insight, scoop,
Speaker 1: and I have some money down on toad and I think, wow,
Speaker 1: so you're still you're still going for it? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think this comes clear. I won't know, Uh, Jeff goons
Speaker 1: any more money? You know. Turns out though didn't do
Speaker 1: what you thought he would do today, did he? Jimmy,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you, I don't know what was happening. I
Speaker 1: just I just let's give me, give me, give me
Speaker 1: just one more go. Whoa, whoa. You don't get to gimme, gimme, gimme.
Speaker 1: You don't get to come into here, into my back room,
Speaker 1: underneath my lamp, in my metal chair, wearing my ropes
Speaker 1: and say gimme, gimme, gimme me. Okay, yeah, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: the gimme, gimme gimme is gonna be me when you gimme, gimme,
Speaker 1: gimme several of your toes for Toad not winning today
Speaker 1: when you swore it was a sure thing. What happened
Speaker 1: out there, Jimmy, what happened with the banana appeals and
Speaker 1: the shells and the little slippery spots that took Toad
Speaker 1: down today? I don't know. I'm just I'm just an announcer.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's happening on the race track. I
Speaker 1: got good information from his mechanic, and I thought you
Speaker 1: were an announcer and you don't know what's happening on
Speaker 1: the race track. Your job is to know what's happening
Speaker 1: on the race track and relay that information to to people.
Speaker 1: So I'm asking you for some information, Jimmy, what the
Speaker 1: hell happened today? You can you can put the knife down.
Speaker 1: You can put the knife Okay, I can put the
Speaker 1: knife down, but I can pick up this shell. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I messed up. It was Rainbow Road. Rainbow Road, you
Speaker 1: were supposed to throw that race and I for one time,
Speaker 1: I didn't fall off the sides, and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: got this, and so I wanted look, you know, I
Speaker 1: these cards defy the laws of physics. Uh, and I
Speaker 1: don't know why I got into wagering on on them. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's not good. Look, it's miraculous that I can drive.
Speaker 1: I'm a mushroom with Z but I made it. I
Speaker 1: got through. You know, I had to do it. Okay, Look, mushroom, Uh,
Speaker 1: you're you're out. You're out? What you're out? I got? Uh?
Speaker 1: What I got? I got you know, eight drivers waiting
Speaker 1: to take your spot. I got a I got a
Speaker 1: giant gorilla, I got a I got a flower that sings.
Speaker 1: I gotta I don't know, I don't know. It's a
Speaker 1: lot of a lot of crazy ship. We're here at
Speaker 1: the Cooper Cup, and the biggest story today is that
Speaker 1: Mushroom is not racing. I repeat, mushroom is not racing today.
Speaker 1: A tree, you've you've you've been a driver before. So
Speaker 1: tell us what exactly are they looking for in a
Speaker 1: new driver. Okay, I will tell you that. And then Jimmy,
Speaker 1: we gotta move on from the fact that I used
Speaker 1: to drive because it, honestly, it just harps on my
Speaker 1: age and my limits and it makes me feel dark
Speaker 1: inside a tree. The crowds want to hear about what
Speaker 1: it's like to be an experienced driver, so I'm gonna
Speaker 1: give it to them. So I'm going to give it
Speaker 1: to them. What they're looking for. You're asking for what
Speaker 1: they're looking for in a driver that's correctorin And I'm
Speaker 1: wonder that Penzil oil pencil is the best oil you
Speaker 1: can put in your car. All right back to your dream.
Speaker 1: It really depends because sometimes you want a lighter driver,
Speaker 1: like a like a baby peach, and you want someone
Speaker 1: who's gonna be that's gonna be a fast because they're
Speaker 1: lighter in the seat. However, if you get a heftier
Speaker 1: driver like a Bowser, you're going to be able to
Speaker 1: take turns better. And again, you know me, defensive player,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be able to knock some people around, and
Speaker 1: that's very very important. Now I would ask you who
Speaker 1: you're betting on, but I'm praying for your children that
Speaker 1: you are not bet Luigi Luigi this time. It's really good.
Speaker 1: I got a good inside deal, and uh, I think
Speaker 1: it's gonna come through and speaking of coming through, so
Speaker 1: it didn't work out so well with Luigi on that
Speaker 1: last race. Huh you got yeah? Yeah, yeah yeah. Okay,
Speaker 1: now listen, now you have the knife out already. Let
Speaker 1: me Yeah, I got the knife out already. I got
Speaker 1: all the tools laid out on the table. Oh my god, yeah,
Speaker 1: this is a scalpel. And then this is this is
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, this is a it's a nutcracker, like
Speaker 1: a Christmas nutcracker. Yeah, it's a Christmas nutcracker. And you
Speaker 1: know what I'm gonna do right now, I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: you a little demonstration of what is possibly going to
Speaker 1: happen to you if I don't get my money. Hey, hey, Reggie,
Speaker 1: bring that mushroom out here? Oh yeah, bringing a mushroom out.
Speaker 1: That's right. This little guy here was supposed to throw it.
Speaker 1: You remember that. You remember that little guy you were
Speaker 1: supposed to throw the race last week? Yeah yeah, and
Speaker 1: he won that race, and then this week's racey did
Speaker 1: not show up. You know why he did not show up? No, no,
Speaker 1: I don't. He was kicked off his team. He was
Speaker 1: kicked off his team for not throwing it and brought
Speaker 1: directly to me. So that I could show you what
Speaker 1: happens now this little mushroom right here. He went against
Speaker 1: the family. So you know what's gonna happen to this
Speaker 1: little mushroom right here. Um, you're gonna tell First, we're
Speaker 1: gonna dry frying with a little bit of salt to
Speaker 1: draw draw the moisture out. I know, Reggie, I know
Speaker 1: you love this. It's gonna draw a little bit of
Speaker 1: moisture out. Then we're gonna get some rosemary. Mix it
Speaker 1: in there, little olive oil. Tossed the whole thing around together,
Speaker 1: and then it'll get a nice flavor to put a
Speaker 1: little bourbon in there. Set that bourbon on fire. Bourbon mushrooms,
Speaker 1: Bourbon rosemary mushrooms as well. I didn't want to tell
Speaker 1: you I have an inside scoop about this next race.
Speaker 1: Where'd you get your inside scoop from a former driver?
Speaker 1: A former driver with plenty of experience, thirty years of
Speaker 1: experience driving, you know, tren Oh, I get mushroom spot.
Speaker 1: Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I'm sure right.
Speaker 1: Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Don't look
Speaker 1: at me. You can talk to me, but don't look
Speaker 1: at me. I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing if you
Speaker 1: look at me. I'm a ghost and I am shy,
Speaker 1: so do not look at me. Okay, okay, look I
Speaker 1: I don't know what the fuss going on here? All right?
Speaker 1: Look I used to uh, I used to work with boxers.
Speaker 1: All right, it was simple. They were human. They hit
Speaker 1: each other with fists. Now I got like, there's like
Speaker 1: a fox with stars for eyes. There's like it's like
Speaker 1: a lemur who break dances. Like there's a lot of
Speaker 1: a lot of ship going on here. Okay, I'm a
Speaker 1: really good driver. I'm very fast, but if anyone looks
Speaker 1: at me, I will slam the brakes and stop where
Speaker 1: I am until everybody looks away, and then I will
Speaker 1: continue to drive. Why don't you let the ghost on
Speaker 1: the team? Man, Why don't you let a break dance
Speaker 1: and Leamur do it. We don't get scared. We aren't
Speaker 1: scared of nothing. Alright, Calm down, Lamur, and the ghost
Speaker 1: gets the first shot at it, all right, trust me,
Speaker 1: I won't let you down unless someone looks at me.
Speaker 1: Otherwise we're good. Jesus Christ, all right, all right, Well,
Speaker 1: let's let's cut to the race, and we're back live here,
Speaker 1: and we just want to let you know subway makes
Speaker 1: sandwiches the right way. Moving on from previous host, now
Speaker 1: we have step let them know that subway makes them
Speaker 1: the fresh way. Subway eat fresh. That's what we're supposed
Speaker 1: to say. Yeah, sir, thank you, thank you. Train your
Speaker 1: experience goes further than the race course. All right, But
Speaker 1: we're back here live and I'm here joined as always
Speaker 1: with Tureen, who has who's here with me? Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. And I'm here looking at this.
Speaker 1: We've got a bunch of racers getting ready. They are
Speaker 1: reving their engines. Will Luigi seems to already have his
Speaker 1: car on fire. But what the most interesting person here
Speaker 1: is a new racer and he's in the back of
Speaker 1: the line. That's a ghost. That's a inky, pinky or
Speaker 1: stinky I'm not sure, but I'm gonna I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: with its inky, okay. And you know, how did you
Speaker 1: treat new drivers when they come on the racetrack? I
Speaker 1: mean like they were my fucking competition. I mean I
Speaker 1: throw fucking turtle shells at them. I you know, Oh sorry,
Speaker 1: excuse me. I'm getting hated at this point because when
Speaker 1: I draw a boundary, you just seem to blow right
Speaker 1: through it. But anyways, that's how I would treat it.
Speaker 1: How are you treating your current and debilitating addiction? Well
Speaker 1: I have I have not bet on this one, and
Speaker 1: uh so, God bless, I'm gonna call your wife because
Speaker 1: let me tell you, she's been showing up to my apartment.
Speaker 1: And my apartment is small. I don't have guests a lot.
Speaker 1: You know, Janine? Okay, you and Janine been hanging out great?
Speaker 1: I mean, first of all, whoop, Okay, here we go.
Speaker 1: Looks like Mario is actually in the lead, weird and
Speaker 1: his brother Luigi is all right behind him. Maybe right, baby,
Speaker 1: were the first turn? Yeah? Yeah, you Donkey Kong is somewhere.
Speaker 1: I think. Well, well, well, Inky, look who decides to
Speaker 1: come back to pack Land after spending a little time
Speaker 1: in Mario's country. You think you're better than us? That it?
Speaker 1: You think you're better than us? Yeah, look, Clyde, I
Speaker 1: don't think I'm better than you, all right, don't think
Speaker 1: he's better than us. Blinky doesn't think he's better than
Speaker 1: us than just going around and circus for that? No, no,
Speaker 1: then why did you leave? You left? There were only
Speaker 1: three ghosts against that pac Man this week three ghosts. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, guys, I just I saw an opportunity to
Speaker 1: spread my wings, like I was tired of trying to
Speaker 1: catch the little guy and then becoming eyes and returning
Speaker 1: to base and starting all over again. Okay, what's eat fruit?
Speaker 1: I mean, it's delicious and it's full of vitamins. So
Speaker 1: many bouncing pretzels I can have. You know, there's only
Speaker 1: so many a bount some pretzels in the world. This
Speaker 1: is why we need you. You know, you're the best
Speaker 1: of us. Look like that. The race did not go well,
Speaker 1: so there were thousands of people looking at me. I
Speaker 1: didn't even get past the start line. It was really sad.
Speaker 1: It wasn't good. In this world, you're usually all eyes.
Speaker 1: That's all you want is eye contact. But in that world,
Speaker 1: you followed by their rules. You shrink away, someone looks
Speaker 1: at you, freeze. You're the best of us in our world.
Speaker 1: So Carl, you want to come back and train boxing? Huh?
Speaker 1: Racecourse didn't go for you? Huh yes, Jesus Christ, it
Speaker 1: was the worst we got. Hey, you're coming at the
Speaker 1: perfect time. We got this. Uh. Former Soviet block boxer
Speaker 1: he's got a shot at Mike Tyson. Great, great, all right,
Speaker 1: you just gotta teach him the right combo. Yeah maybe, Okay,
Speaker 1: Wait is this is this another video game reference? Because
Speaker 1: it's gonna go right over my head? And that's our
Speaker 1: first seen number twos from Alchemy v I P. David Joho,
Speaker 1: who wrote Howdy Alchemniacs. Here's a quick scene suggestion. A
Speaker 1: baby thinks she's funny? Are you gonna get five minutes?
Speaker 1: Then we're giving you the light? Yeah? All right, that
Speaker 1: I mean that's uh, that's a yes. All right, well
Speaker 1: we'll call that a yes. So uh so, yeah, you
Speaker 1: get five minutes, then you get the light. You get
Speaker 1: one drink ticket for after your set. I can't use
Speaker 1: it before. But yeah, have a great show. You're gonna
Speaker 1: be great good. Just hang out here and then just
Speaker 1: hang out here in the green room until it's your slot.
Speaker 1: You'll know you're you're right after Tony. Tony is really nice.
Speaker 1: They'll they'll warm, they'll warm into the all right shows
Speaker 1: in ten everybody ten, you're new here? Huh where where
Speaker 1: else have you played? Flappers? Yeah? Yeah, well you know,
Speaker 1: uh you know bows La Force. Yeah, he's pretty funny. Right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't get me started. Do you need me to fill
Speaker 1: your slippy cup with something? Yeah? Long Island, all right?
Speaker 1: I mean, might as well get the max out of
Speaker 1: that drink ticket, right, they're just looking over your set
Speaker 1: list here. I think I'm covering a lot of the
Speaker 1: same topics. I mean, I know we're gonna have different
Speaker 1: takes on them, certainly, but like, uh, I mean I
Speaker 1: don't want I don't want you to burn. Uh you
Speaker 1: know everything that I'm doing, all right? Yeah, I got
Speaker 1: I got pooping my pants, I got that in there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got sucking on mom's titties. That's that's in my set.
Speaker 1: It's in my set. And then I got a I
Speaker 1: got a January six bit. Oh you think you're getting
Speaker 1: in here? Look at the side twenty one months in
Speaker 1: under only all right? Hey, what what the hell I to?
Speaker 1: I have to follow a baby last week? Is this?
Speaker 1: Is this the thing? Is this the new thing? Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's the new thing. Look at the clientele out there,
Speaker 1: all right. These little guys are sucking down juice boxes.
Speaker 1: There's a two box minimum. They're doing like forty boxes.
Speaker 1: All right, this is the best we've done in a
Speaker 1: long time. There there's a line of toddler's waiting to
Speaker 1: get in. I I need this, that this is an
Speaker 1: audience that can grow with me. Jerry, all right, look,
Speaker 1: I'll give you one more shot out there. But Gene,
Speaker 1: I know you don't want to play down, but you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to. You're gonna have to pander to this crowd.
Speaker 1: You know, if things aren't going well, do peekaboo clothes
Speaker 1: a peekaboo. Everyone's doing peekaboo these days. I mean, I've
Speaker 1: got my poop in my pants bit. But it's a
Speaker 1: little more. It's you know, it's more of a think
Speaker 1: it's too heavy. It's too heavy, right, Nerd. I think
Speaker 1: we need to talk with Susie. It's just she really
Speaker 1: thinks that she's funny and that this is the path
Speaker 1: for her. I mean, we said we were always going
Speaker 1: to support what she wanted to do, so she thinks
Speaker 1: she's funny. I mean, you've seen her giggle at you know,
Speaker 1: the noises she makes and okay, but like laughing at yourself,
Speaker 1: and honestly, at this age, is she laughing or is
Speaker 1: it more of a twitch reaction? You know, Look, I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's a twitch or a reaction, but
Speaker 1: the audience seemed to enjoy it. I mean, I just,
Speaker 1: I just I just wanted to believe in something that
Speaker 1: is inaccurate. I just don't want her to grow up
Speaker 1: with a false sense of self. And I just don't
Speaker 1: find spitting up on stage to be funny. That's just
Speaker 1: not the comedy that I want to see. Well, I mean,
Speaker 1: now we're just in the point of just judging her comedy.
Speaker 1: I mean, honey, look, we can we consider this table
Speaker 1: and we can sign this TV deal or not. It's
Speaker 1: going to change your life. Should I leave? Should I
Speaker 1: leave this meeting? Should I be here for this? Listen?
Speaker 1: We're here to offer two point two million dollars six
Speaker 1: year deal, right, So yeah, I mean it's not just
Speaker 1: that we think she's funny, honey, and she thinks she's funny.
Speaker 1: That audience thought she was funny, those scouts thought she
Speaker 1: was funny, and this network thinks she's funny. I mean,
Speaker 1: we're not talking streaming, we're talking broadcast, all right, So
Speaker 1: this is I don't go to anybody for this deal, alright.
Speaker 1: I'm just concerned that it's gonna mess up with her
Speaker 1: knap schedule. We just got her on the right sleep schedule,
Speaker 1: and she's just sleeping regression as part of alright, first
Speaker 1: team in, first team in let's go ahead and get
Speaker 1: in there. Susie. Good, should we eat you? Good? Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: great Susie? So alright, like, so, let's rehearsals up. Alright,
Speaker 1: rehearsals up. Um. As you know in this scene, you've
Speaker 1: just you've gotten back from your big business trip and
Speaker 1: you've found your husband has been unpure. So uh, let's
Speaker 1: go ahead and let's give that a rehearsal. The rest
Speaker 1: of you guys, are you good to go? You're good? Yeah, Yeah,
Speaker 1: we got it, We got it dead. Alright, great, alright,
Speaker 1: so let's go ahead and rehearsal up. Rehearsal up, rehearsle up.
Speaker 1: Whoa baby, I didn't inspect you back, so come on,
Speaker 1: don't cry baby, Come on, you're spinning up all over yourself.
Speaker 1: You got a hold of yourself. Alright, great, crew likes it.
Speaker 1: You can see the reaction you got from the crew.
Speaker 1: That's always good. That's always good when the crew last. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so when we get this in front of the audience,
Speaker 1: can we get a diaper change? Yeah? They need diaper change.
Speaker 1: In here. Let's get last looks, last diper looks. And
Speaker 1: how about what for Susie as well? I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Speaker 1: All right, that was great, Uh, Susie? Uh, I like
Speaker 1: improvisation you did? You did improv a little bit there,
Speaker 1: threw me off. You're pro, you pro, you followed, you're olled. Uh?
Speaker 1: So you know, just make sure you hit the beats
Speaker 1: of the seat. Okay, everything else is spine as long
Speaker 1: as you hit the beats right the tenements? Got it?
Speaker 1: I gotta say, Susie, your ability to cry on cue
Speaker 1: is unbelievable, Like, how do you do it? Is it
Speaker 1: since memory or you just you just can turn it
Speaker 1: on and off like that. That's fantastic. I've been trying
Speaker 1: to get them to write me some more crying scenes,
Speaker 1: you know, maybe make this, you know, a little more
Speaker 1: of a dramedy. Um. Hey did they did they pressure
Speaker 1: you to uh to sign for for seven seasons? They did? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: my my, my people are trying to work something out,
Speaker 1: but uh, you know, no favorite nations? Right? Why what's
Speaker 1: so funny? You guys? You're you're working some kind of
Speaker 1: deal with all right? You two were just about ready
Speaker 1: to get filming. The warm up comic is getting the
Speaker 1: audience going. I think you used to work with him
Speaker 1: at the store. He does a great bit about pooping pants. Uh, honey,
Speaker 1: she won't come out of her trailer. What am I
Speaker 1: supposed to do about it? I don't know. You're you
Speaker 1: seem to be the one. Look, you've been right all along.
Speaker 1: You said that you didn't think that Susie was funny,
Speaker 1: and yet turned out Susie wanted to do dramatic work.
Speaker 1: So now we're here shooting this thing and it's just maybe, Look, yes, fine,
Speaker 1: Is that that face was that you want me to
Speaker 1: say that? You're always right? Yes? I mean you've always
Speaker 1: been right about Susie. Thank you, thank you. You were right.
Speaker 1: You're generally right about Susie. You're the only one that
Speaker 1: can talk her down this movie. Think. I just feel
Speaker 1: like my bond with her has really disintegrated ever since
Speaker 1: we came to set. I was feeling that way too.
Speaker 1: The makeup woman it's weird, right, like always laughing with
Speaker 1: her and trying to touch her and grab her hands.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, folks, just bringing in a feeder for Susie.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, a feeder like a feed. This lady is
Speaker 1: gonna feed Susie. Excuse me, oh, like a like a
Speaker 1: breast feeder. Yes, yes, Susie's mother's right, she's passed, she's
Speaker 1: onto solids. She's onto solids. She asked for it. We
Speaker 1: just Town gets what Town wants. Um. I don't feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with my daughter's sucking another woman's TV. Alright, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: this is I'm sorry to you, and I know that
Speaker 1: this is no. I'm ready to go if she needs
Speaker 1: a personal thing for me, because she had a problem
Speaker 1: latching onto my breast and if I see her latch
Speaker 1: onto yours, I'm going to lose my mind. Really, I've
Speaker 1: never had a problem with her or any baby, any baby,
Speaker 1: but Susie in particularly. Oh so you've done this before. Wait,
Speaker 1: this is not the first day of this. Susie has
Speaker 1: requested this from maybe the fourth shoot. And we give
Speaker 1: Susie what Susie maybe contract do we have you you
Speaker 1: you have to go through the parents? Do you have
Speaker 1: to Did you read the contract? Well no, no, we
Speaker 1: just assumed that everything was okay because it was a
Speaker 1: Hollywood contract. Excuse me, Let me let the feeder in
Speaker 1: and then we'll have a conversation. I'll take you over
Speaker 1: to Hey, we're here on the red carpet with the arrivals. Oh,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, first time now. And he's Susie is
Speaker 1: strolling up being strolled up in a stroller. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, Susie. Who are you wearing? She's wearing?
Speaker 1: Oh great, those are That's that's wonderful. Uh, it's gotta
Speaker 1: be so thrilling, such a whirlwind for you, for like
Speaker 1: the youngest nominee ever at eight months and uh, we're
Speaker 1: just we're thrilled, I mean your performance. Martin Scorsese was
Speaker 1: quoted as saying, I am retiring from filmmaking because nothing
Speaker 1: can top what she just did in my last film.
Speaker 1: I'm wearing a Banana Republic. That's what I'm wearing. Great.
Speaker 1: I'm surprised to see you here and not her feeder.
Speaker 1: I've heard that those two have really really been hitting
Speaker 1: it off, you know about Linda. That's so interesting. Hey, Hollywood,
Speaker 1: so hey Linda, so good to see you. Who are
Speaker 1: you wearing. I'm wearing Dolce and Gabanna on the bottom.
Speaker 1: We see on the topica bottom on the bottom, and uh,
Speaker 1: and just showing off the moneymakers, you know, because you
Speaker 1: know I'm not gonna work with Susie forever. There's gonna
Speaker 1: be other gigs. And uh, you know, I just want
Speaker 1: to want everyone to know who you're hiring and what
Speaker 1: you're hiring. Well, it's so good to see you. I
Speaker 1: we are You're the front runner. Susie is the front
Speaker 1: runner in this race. Um, finally, Meryl Streep is gonna
Speaker 1: get taken down a notch. And uh, it's I mean,
Speaker 1: we're all pulling for you, Sues. We're all pulling for you.
Speaker 1: And I think if I could say that, like, it's
Speaker 1: especially impressive. It she started out in comedy, but you know,
Speaker 1: nobody takes comedy seriously. She had to really stretch her
Speaker 1: dramatic chops to to get this nomination. And the fact
Speaker 1: that she was able to transition so quickly and six
Speaker 1: weeks from comedy to drama and master them both, I mean,
Speaker 1: it's it's amazing. I'm sorry, I better move on. I'm leaking.
Speaker 1: Oh right, sorry, sorry, we'll be back. It's like I
Speaker 1: wasn't even there. Oh that is brutal. I just I
Speaker 1: don't know, I feel no bond with her anymore. And hey, folks,
Speaker 1: here's your awesome blossom, thank you. Thanks. Didn't we order
Speaker 1: a bloomin onion? Oh yeah, they they switch. They call
Speaker 1: it an awesome blossom. Here this because we're out front.
Speaker 1: Oh got it, got it, got it just looks so similar.
Speaker 1: You know, you'd think with our with our daughter making
Speaker 1: all that money, we could afford to go to out back.
Speaker 1: But no, she I don't know how. She already got
Speaker 1: us out of her contract. It's she's becoming a nightmare.
Speaker 1: And what do you think is going to happen when
Speaker 1: she starts popping out real teeth? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: They're still gonna want her around and give her these
Speaker 1: two million, six year deals, which I've actually looked into,
Speaker 1: and that's not a good deal. No, it's not a
Speaker 1: good deal. Look, here's two R C. Cola's thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you, Susie. We're sorry you're too you've aged out
Speaker 1: of Hollywood. Sorry, kid water, I mean that's for a listers.
Speaker 1: I know you have two oscars, but oscar that was
Speaker 1: your first word, Mama, renegotiate m I mean it might
Speaker 1: be too late for that, but you know you know
Speaker 1: where to find her, and that's our second C three
Speaker 1: is from Alchemy v I P. Chad Cruise. He wrote, Hello,
Speaker 1: Kevin or whomever is guest hosting this week, that would
Speaker 1: be me. After listening since the beginning, I finally became
Speaker 1: a Patreon supporter. Not to sound like a complete shill
Speaker 1: if this happens to get run on the podcast, but
Speaker 1: I didn't realize what I was missing out on, and
Speaker 1: it's been awesome to have a ton of bonus content
Speaker 1: to catch up on. Big thanks to you all seen
Speaker 1: Suggestion Home Makeover Show? Chad, are you ready to see
Speaker 1: what we've done with your house? Yeah, a little little nervous,
Speaker 1: but what do you What do you think? No, we're
Speaker 1: both We're both excited fellas. You have nothing to be
Speaker 1: worried about. We have taken everything you own and completely
Speaker 1: turned it on its head. Let's meet our designers. Come
Speaker 1: on out here you too. Hello. Nice to see everybody's
Speaker 1: It's so good to be here. That's right. This is
Speaker 1: Maria and Hans and Maria and Hans. Uh. They took
Speaker 1: such great care of your beautiful home and uh and
Speaker 1: are you ready to go inside and see what they've done? Well?
Speaker 1: They seem very European, so I trust them extremely it's
Speaker 1: it's it's crazy how European I am so? Well? Do
Speaker 1: I have for breakfast a piece of bread? The Europeans
Speaker 1: they eat different than we do. They decorate different than
Speaker 1: we do too. Let's walk through the front door and
Speaker 1: say hi to your new foer God. Uh, it looks
Speaker 1: it's as black as the night sky. Yes, we want
Speaker 1: you to enter into another universe, another world, and you
Speaker 1: want to leave your earthly positions behind and just come
Speaker 1: in as a soul into your home. Well, normally I
Speaker 1: put my keys a wallet on the end table. I
Speaker 1: can't really feel it here. We've always put the keys
Speaker 1: in the same place that way, when one of us
Speaker 1: was king for the other ones keys, we know where
Speaker 1: it's okay, this isn't going to work. If they don't
Speaker 1: like our designs, we can just knock the house down,
Speaker 1: because no, no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't knock the
Speaker 1: house down. This is this foyer is like a palate
Speaker 1: cleanser for the world. You know, you leave what was
Speaker 1: outside you, you completely scrub yourself of conceptions and preconceptions,
Speaker 1: and then when you enter the main room, everything changes. Okay,
Speaker 1: I just I just can't see any keep an open mind,
Speaker 1: and you keep an open eyes because you're about to
Speaker 1: see so much. And don't worry. There will be plenty
Speaker 1: of space to put keys in the next room. But
Speaker 1: as we explain, this is palate cleanser. Okay, there's a
Speaker 1: wall here. Now, this is where the door was to
Speaker 1: the living room. You have a living room. Come this way,
Speaker 1: step right through this new archway into your brand nude.
Speaker 1: If you're you etheria, that's right, it's an ethereal where
Speaker 1: your living room used to be. You now have an etheria.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of a lot of parrots in here. Yes,
Speaker 1: enjoy your senses. The colors of the pet of the
Speaker 1: parrots are for your eyes. The chirping of the parrots
Speaker 1: are for your ears. The soft feathers of the parents
Speaker 1: are for your fingers. And if you think that an
Speaker 1: old one is annoying, throw it on the fire and
Speaker 1: taste it very nice. Welcome to yes. If if you
Speaker 1: please the parrots, one of them will have your keys
Speaker 1: for you. You put the keys in the air. Once
Speaker 1: you have established rapport with the parrot. You must please
Speaker 1: the parents. You must please the parrots. That feels like
Speaker 1: a lot of work. Five parrots here and one of
Speaker 1: them is very, very picky. But if you can please
Speaker 1: that one, wow, will you have an amazing life. If
Speaker 1: you can please one of the other ones, that be
Speaker 1: fine too. Do they have names? Do they talk? I mean,
Speaker 1: how do we please Chico, Lossandra, Andrean and Pico. The
Speaker 1: fourth one is Andrean. Yeah, and just tell me their
Speaker 1: names one more time. Okay, I know I got the
Speaker 1: names down. I'm not sure which is which. Okay, Wow,
Speaker 1: you can't tell. We've got Cuban parrot Pepe. Then we've
Speaker 1: got a golden macca Chico. Then we've got a red macaw.
Speaker 1: That one is Adrian. Then we got um, which one
Speaker 1: was Lossandra, clear one? The clear one? I think that's
Speaker 1: obvious parrot. That's a clear parrot, okay. And then you
Speaker 1: said if the parrot displeases me, I can throw it
Speaker 1: on the fire. Yes, I said, if it gets old,
Speaker 1: but yes, if you displease it, and then that's okay.
Speaker 1: But you only have five. And if you run out
Speaker 1: of parrots, the room folds in on itself like the
Speaker 1: world on collapses. Goodness, and this fire is really blazing
Speaker 1: at it's a hot fired and it's going to warm
Speaker 1: up your entire house and they winded and heat up
Speaker 1: the entire place in this summer to an unbearable heat
Speaker 1: where you're going to feel like you're going to pass out.
Speaker 1: But my god, when you get outside, any temperature is
Speaker 1: going to feel like fresh air to you, and you're
Speaker 1: gonna feel so revived. Okay, we live in Austin. It's
Speaker 1: pretty hot and humid to begin with, so imagine thinking
Speaker 1: that that's refreshing when you lotside. Alright, well, what about
Speaker 1: the kitchen, because I think that and I really hope
Speaker 1: to get like an island in the middle of the kitchen,
Speaker 1: just get a little more space to work. We we
Speaker 1: love to cook, fellas. Not only do you have an
Speaker 1: island in your kitchen, Clint Island, you have a tropical
Speaker 1: island and the ocean that surrounds it. Take a look. Now,
Speaker 1: it's more of an isthmus than it is an island
Speaker 1: because we did have to connect it a little bit,
Speaker 1: just a tiny bit of a bit of a tight room,
Speaker 1: so technically it is an isthmus. But do not worry.
Speaker 1: It still feels like you are in the middle of nothing.
Speaker 1: They're alligators in this moat. There are there are, don't worry.
Speaker 1: That's why there's the canoe right here. Hop on in
Speaker 1: and check out your new island. Sorry, Isthmus, we'll just
Speaker 1: walk the isthmus. Do we have to get in the canoe? Yeah,
Speaker 1: someone isn't getting into the spirit of the house. I mean,
Speaker 1: we can just knock it down. Please, please don't knock
Speaker 1: it down. Therefore the emergencies. But if you want to
Speaker 1: knock the whole thing down, we can knock the whole
Speaker 1: thing down right now while we're all inside, very clear
Speaker 1: and we we we don't want to knock anything down.
Speaker 1: This we were displaced while you were doing this project
Speaker 1: for two months. We don't want to knock anything down.
Speaker 1: We've been staying in a Ramada inn. Yeah. When you
Speaker 1: get to the island, be sure to make friends with
Speaker 1: the nay Chives who live there. There's natives of the
Speaker 1: kitchen Isthmus, Yes, there are, and they have not seen
Speaker 1: outsiders before, so just you know where did you find them.
Speaker 1: They can either be very very helpful in the kitchen
Speaker 1: or they can absolutely ruin your life now please okay,
Speaker 1: and and throw them on the fire when they get
Speaker 1: old to you throw them to the crocodile. You have joke,
Speaker 1: you have to throw it around. You know, you feed
Speaker 1: the crocodiles. There's crocodiles and alligators home, Yes, what of them?
Speaker 1: Just snapped at make a mixture of salt and fresh water,
Speaker 1: so we have it all. Okay, well, you say, we're here.
Speaker 1: We have some mangroves and these desalinates the water, the
Speaker 1: roots of it, and if you take off a leaf,
Speaker 1: it is actually very very salty. So on one side
Speaker 1: of the mangroves we have the salt water, and on
Speaker 1: the other side we have the fresh water, and both
Speaker 1: we have alligator crocodile, and in between the two you'll
Speaker 1: be very happy. The air fryer you wanted we did.
Speaker 1: We did the one thing we did put in specifically
Speaker 1: out of everything you really wanted. In the air friar
Speaker 1: runs only on tears. No what, Yes, Now you can cry,
Speaker 1: or you can get one of the natives to cry,
Speaker 1: or you can get one of the well of parrots
Speaker 1: parents to cry. You can get one of the parents.
Speaker 1: But if you take all of the parrots out of
Speaker 1: that room. Okay, I don't think I'm going to have
Speaker 1: to make the parrot cry. I think I have enough
Speaker 1: tears in my own to operate here. You're not going
Speaker 1: to want to make a crocodile cry, right, you know
Speaker 1: what they say, a crocodile tears. No, they don't do
Speaker 1: crocodile tears. That's what they say. Oh, they don't cry.
Speaker 1: That's the same. They don't do crocodi out here. Don't
Speaker 1: give me crocodile tears, that's what they say. Who's oh god,
Speaker 1: what what did you do to a bedroom? Well, you said,
Speaker 1: what was the adjective? You said you wanted your bedroom
Speaker 1: to be for the viewers at home roomy, roomy. That's right,
Speaker 1: roomy and and sexy. You eat Clint through sexy and
Speaker 1: they're right at them. Well, let's take a peek inside
Speaker 1: your roomy, sexy new bedroom. Let's open that door. What's
Speaker 1: roomier then a woman's womb in the nine months? So
Speaker 1: that is the inspiration for this personal bedroom. And also
Speaker 1: that is sexy. No, at nine months now you have
Speaker 1: already populated and you have your growing the child, and
Speaker 1: you're also horny as hell because of all the hormones.
Speaker 1: So that's what the inspiration for this room. Yes, and
Speaker 1: the child in the corner is played by Oscar winner Susie. Everybody,
Speaker 1: Oh that is Susie and funny stuff. She gets too
Speaker 1: old for your liking, Throw her in the ceiling fan.
Speaker 1: What okay, whoa I think I just slept on the
Speaker 1: amniotic fluid. And isn't that fun? What if you slip
Speaker 1: and slide into one another. Now you're bumping into each
Speaker 1: other like a meat cute, like you're just meeting for
Speaker 1: the first time. You know how sexy? That is all
Speaker 1: you want? Sexy? You want sexy. What is sexier than
Speaker 1: the corner or kligland orgy going on it? Oh god,
Speaker 1: it's the data there the parents. It's very, very sexual,
Speaker 1: and it will give you inspiration for different things you
Speaker 1: can do with each other. Maybe you did not think
Speaker 1: about it. Now, if you take this fallopian tube and
Speaker 1: you're going to get into it like we've built these
Speaker 1: big canisters like you when you deposited check at the
Speaker 1: bank in the drive through. You can put yourself right
Speaker 1: in here, get shoot through the Filippian tube and you
Speaker 1: end up in your own suite bathroom. Wow, there's no bathroom.
Speaker 1: The room is equipped with both speakers with two months
Speaker 1: free of Pandora radio. Yes, yes, alright, let's hop in
Speaker 1: those fallopian tubes and check out your master bathroom. Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Speaker 1: It looks pretty basic. We didn't get to this way.
Speaker 1: Does you know we can do whatever to it. We
Speaker 1: just wanted to show. You didn't even scrub the tub.
Speaker 1: You're doing a lot putting in this tube mechanism. It's
Speaker 1: very actually quite difficult. And it was to get a
Speaker 1: clear parrot, you know, like we were busy. There a
Speaker 1: lot of paperwork, and we thought about it because I
Speaker 1: wanted to have clear bathroom. You know, see everybody see
Speaker 1: what you're doing in their Oh sexy, what you showered?
Speaker 1: But he said, no, what about a clear parrot? And
Speaker 1: then we had the big fight. Does it even exist?
Speaker 1: He said, if it does, I win the bed, and
Speaker 1: then he did and he won, and now the bathroom
Speaker 1: is just what it used to be. How long have
Speaker 1: you two been working together? We just met about two
Speaker 1: minutes before the show began. Also, you've been working independently
Speaker 1: this whole time, yes, but across independent and also cross
Speaker 1: to each other. You know. Well, Hans did the entire
Speaker 1: backyard us. Are you ready to see your new backyard?
Speaker 1: Do we have to go on the filopian too? We
Speaker 1: should do. Yes, you have to see on the eggs
Speaker 1: in and out of the bathroom, busy from the low
Speaker 1: and here we are. Wow, well there's a putting green
Speaker 1: like we we hoped for nice trees over there. It's
Speaker 1: like a little mini forest. Well was that a tiger?
Speaker 1: It is a tiger. That is Alan Trammel. He lives
Speaker 1: in the corner and tigers shortstop. Ellen decides the graphs
Speaker 1: for you and only time, anytime you want it, and
Speaker 1: you only have to feed him once a week. And
Speaker 1: you know that really fun show and also game that
Speaker 1: people play in their personal houses. Florida's lava. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: anything that looks like concrete in the backyard is lava.
Speaker 1: Don't start, You're going to get burned. So now you
Speaker 1: have to be hopping around from patch to patch of
Speaker 1: grass to grass maybe to jump into the pool. You know,
Speaker 1: if you catch on fire a little bit, you have
Speaker 1: to jump into the pool. Can we get an isthmus
Speaker 1: put in? Maybe over the Now you want the isthmus?
Speaker 1: Now you want the isms? Okay? Can we uh? Can?
Speaker 1: Can Clinton I have a moment too? Of course you can.
Speaker 1: We're going to cut you a quick commercial and when
Speaker 1: we come back, we will hand you your key. Ease.
Speaker 1: Has this been going out live this entire time. What
Speaker 1: do you think? What do you think? What are we
Speaker 1: gonna do? We have no other place to live. This
Speaker 1: is a this is a zoo. It's a literally a zoo.
Speaker 1: It is a zoo. What do you think? I mean?
Speaker 1: I I wish they'd put new tile in the bathroom.
Speaker 1: But and the kitchen does look nice? Has that air fryer? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I mean I thought maybe we could sell the seat
Speaker 1: through parrot. That's gotta be worth yeah, flip it, flip it.
Speaker 1: We're back. Are you ready to get your keys to
Speaker 1: your brand new home? Yes? Yes, yes, we are all right.
Speaker 1: Go back in that living room and your keys are
Speaker 1: in one of those parents. Oh fuck, I know that
Speaker 1: might be the first thing we did. That was like
Speaker 1: a bottle episode. And ever whenever real time of improv scenes,
Speaker 1: let's check in with everybody, see what they're up to,
Speaker 1: off tool saying, oh thanks for having me. This is
Speaker 1: always so much fun. Um I have shows coming out,
Speaker 1: but you can see if you're in the l A area.
Speaker 1: Go to my website at toolsing dot com. Are my socials,
Speaker 1: which are all a tool time. No, I's Jackie against
Speaker 1: Alice birthday. Thanks for having me? What a good time.
Speaker 1: And I have to say I usually, UM don't love
Speaker 1: a bottle episode to do not to I like watching them,
Speaker 1: but you know, I feel very like I want to
Speaker 1: do something out. I feel to a d D I
Speaker 1: guess and I enjoyed that. Um, so thank you, thank
Speaker 1: you for having me. I'm at Jackie d Ruthie on
Speaker 1: Instagram and that's where I post about and he shows
Speaker 1: any fun upcoming things to check out. I smart gag Leardi,
Speaker 1: Hey buddy, thanks for having me. Always a treat. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: this was fun. You guys are all really funny and
Speaker 1: I left playing with you. Uh find me online. I'm
Speaker 1: at mark Gags on most stuff and um we got
Speaker 1: this with Mark and Howe on the Maximum Fun Network.
Speaker 1: Got more shows coming out every week and um, if
Speaker 1: you were in the Los Angeles area first Thursday of
Speaker 1: every month that Lineage Performing Arts Center, what you will
Speaker 1: it is a Shakespearean unplay. That is all I will
Speaker 1: say about it. But it's happening in Pasadena on the
Speaker 1: first Thursday of every month with Ensemble Shakespeare Theater. If
Speaker 1: you're in the area, come check it out and thanks
Speaker 1: awesome and Craig so much fun? Can you tell? That
Speaker 1: I don't know the first thing about Mark or NASCAR
Speaker 1: for that matter, but pac Man, I should have got
Speaker 1: that reference. Come come on, like that's that's from my
Speaker 1: prime video game days. Uh so yeah, I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 1: gonna phone up for the next Uh. You might really
Speaker 1: liked it. Very fun, fun game. I mean I vaguely
Speaker 1: know that, like you're in the cart and there's crazy
Speaker 1: like past you're going up, but I don't know who
Speaker 1: the characters are anything. Yeah there's a breakdancing Leber. You
Speaker 1: got that right? Yeah, Yeah, I knew that. I knew that.
Speaker 1: I'm at Cold Stratton at Stratton Cold, depending on the
Speaker 1: social thing, first Thursday in the month at the West
Speaker 1: Side Comedy Theater, ten pm. It's pretty pretty pony different
Speaker 1: monologists every time and several people that are regulars on
Speaker 1: this here show. Uh come check that out as a
Speaker 1: sketch fest dot com Also our are off delayed twentieth
Speaker 1: festival coming back, we think we'll find out. Let's thank
Speaker 1: our producer Mr an Engineer, Mr Doug Maybe. Uh, the
Speaker 1: fine folks that I heart media dot com and please
Speaker 1: write to us at I'll cheve you this email at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That email and until next time I
Speaker 1: M