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Speaker 1: Hi, I am Kate Hudson and my name is Oliver Hudson.

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Speaker 1: We wanted to do something that highlighted our relationships and

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Speaker 1: what it's like to be siblings. We are a sibling.

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Speaker 1: Revalry No, no, sibling. You don't do that with your mouth, vely,

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Speaker 1: that's good. So today's guest is really interesting. I'm was

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Speaker 1: so excited to interview her, doctor Schafali. And actually the

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Speaker 1: first time I heard about her, I was pregnant with Ronnie.

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Speaker 1: And I have to say this because I just love

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Speaker 1: her so much. But Oprah Winfrey said to me that

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Speaker 1: I had to read this book that when she read it,

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Speaker 1: even though she's not a parent, it was just so

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Speaker 1: emotional for her because she wished that every parent had

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Speaker 1: this as a manual in their life. So of course

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Speaker 1: I ran, because you do everything, Oprah says. When I ran,

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Speaker 1: and I got the book, and I mean, it was

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Speaker 1: really eye opening for me. So I was very excited

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Speaker 1: to be able to interview doctor Shefali. Her books Conscious Parent, Awakened, Family,

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Speaker 1: Awakened Family, and out of Control, Yeah, parenting books, Parenting

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Speaker 1: and parenting, Yeah, parenting and sort of the family dynamics.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I already do everything that she said.

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Speaker 1: I mean, that's like eighty percent joke, but then a

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Speaker 1: lot of it. I was sort of like, you know,

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Speaker 1: I totally understand this. I totally vibe with this. I

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Speaker 1: feel like, instinct visually, this is how I parent. We

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Speaker 1: have a lot of differences, which is going to be

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Speaker 1: really fun to sort of talk about in the way

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Speaker 1: that we do very different parents to do things. Well,

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Speaker 1: not that not very different, no, but certain things that

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Speaker 1: you allow your or I allow my children to do

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Speaker 1: that you don't. You know, I have more of an

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Speaker 1: old school style. I think I curse in front of

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Speaker 1: my kids. I have no problem with showing them R

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Speaker 1: rated movies, you know. I mean, my daughter is six

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Speaker 1: years old and is you know, watching like Saw five.

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Speaker 1: This is terrible, but it's like a source of contention.

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Speaker 1: But my kids are amazing children who don't curse, and

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Speaker 1: who are kind and sweet and loved and fulfilled. They're

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Speaker 1: great children. Well I'm not going to say your kids

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Speaker 1: aren't great kids, because I love them like as I

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Speaker 1: as my own children, and they're the best. Yeah, there

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Speaker 1: are moments where I would handle things differently with my kids.

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Speaker 1: So we'll get into all of this Yeah, I'm so pumped.

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Speaker 1: This is so cool because we do, you know, the

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Speaker 1: celebrity interviews and their siblings, and but to have you

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Speaker 1: on especially because like, being a father is my number

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Speaker 1: one priority in my life, aside from career and everything else.

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Speaker 1: And I think I could probably speak for Kate you know,

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Speaker 1: as well. So it's really fun for us to sort

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Speaker 1: of talk to you and have a psychology session. Where

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Speaker 1: did you grow up? I grew up in India. I

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Speaker 1: came to America at the age of twenty one and

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Speaker 1: thought I'd be deported back to get married to some

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Speaker 1: Indian men and had to beg my father to not

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Speaker 1: subject me to that fate, and he released me. But

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Speaker 1: that was quite a process because you know, Indian patriarchy

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Speaker 1: really does a number on its women, way more than

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Speaker 1: the Western patriarchy. So I had to decondition and become

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Speaker 1: my own person far from home, grew up without, grew

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Speaker 1: up in America without any family, and had to find

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Speaker 1: and forge your new path, you know. So it was

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Speaker 1: a phenomenal process of revealing to myself who I truly was,

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Speaker 1: separate from my culture. I mean, I grew up, I

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Speaker 1: came here, and I literally have one cousin who lives

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Speaker 1: far away. So I literally had to find a whole

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Speaker 1: new me which was phenomenal. It was. And your dad,

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Speaker 1: your dad seemed it was progressive, I guess in the

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Speaker 1: sense that he was allowed you to sort of do

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Speaker 1: this and set you free. Huh, yeah, he said. If

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Speaker 1: I did not set you free, I would be doing

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Speaker 1: you an injustice. But my point to other parents is

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Speaker 1: the fact that we have to even ask for the

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Speaker 1: key to live our liberation is is kind of a travesty.

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Speaker 1: You know. We shouldn't have to ask. And I tell

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Speaker 1: my father that now, and he's like, well, at least

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Speaker 1: I gave you the key. I said, yeah, but I

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Speaker 1: shouldn't have had to ask that. You know, the key

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Speaker 1: was my birthright. And that's what I teach that our

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Speaker 1: children's path to their softig and the autonomy is their

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Speaker 1: birth right. It's no liberated parent who's giving them the key.

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Speaker 1: You know, this is our delusion of grandeur. They have

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Speaker 1: the key, we take it away, and then some of

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Speaker 1: us give it back. But that's what needs to be

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Speaker 1: undone not. Children need to own the autonomy right from

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Speaker 1: the start. They are free. I remember when I was

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Speaker 1: pregnant with writer. My mom, you know, when I was young,

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Speaker 1: I was twenty three pregnant and Mom, I was sitting

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Speaker 1: there and it was really big. I was huge, and

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Speaker 1: I got really emotional and I go, I don't know

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Speaker 1: why I'm so emotional right now, and she goes, well, honey,

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Speaker 1: the second that he leaves your body, he doesn't belong

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Speaker 1: to you anymore. So this is that time with him

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Speaker 1: that belongs to you. And then they come out and

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Speaker 1: they don't belong to you anymore. And I was like,

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Speaker 1: that was the greatest thing that my mother could have

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Speaker 1: ever said to me. Right. It's such a biological trick,

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Speaker 1: you know, especially for us women, because we do house them,

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Speaker 1: so they do come from us, especially biological children. And

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Speaker 1: so there's this trick, you know, this egoic trick that

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Speaker 1: happens that you think you then possess them and you

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Speaker 1: can't fault us, you know, but we have to undergo

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Speaker 1: this shedding of this illusion that we own them in

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Speaker 1: any way. You know. It's a process, and then very

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Speaker 1: few people are open to that spiritual a weekning. Yeah, well,

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Speaker 1: it's interesting going back to sort of what you were

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Speaker 1: saying prior. How much does culture play into what you

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Speaker 1: were the message that you were trying to get across,

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Speaker 1: because obviously we live in Western civilization where cultural norms

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Speaker 1: are what they are. But then you move beyond that India,

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Speaker 1: you know, places where there's been thousands of years of

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Speaker 1: culture and what to do, meaning, yes, you are supposed

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Speaker 1: to be placed with a husband, and this is the

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Speaker 1: way you're supposed to raise your kids. How do you

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Speaker 1: square that, you know, when you're thinking about the globe,

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Speaker 1: when you're thinking about the world and children of the world. Yeah, well,

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Speaker 1: culture is the anethol. Cultural conditioning is our psychological makeup.

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Speaker 1: And understanding that you're living in this matrix of not

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Speaker 1: necessarily truths to your best interest will wake you up

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Speaker 1: and it's a shock, it's a paralytic awakening when you

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Speaker 1: realize that these cultural conditionings with which you have been

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Speaker 1: subjugated really are not to your best interests are not

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Speaker 1: about your liberation. They are about your civility, about your

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Speaker 1: following the crowd and staying in the in the tight

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Speaker 1: lines of mainstream culture. So awakening to that is the

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Speaker 1: liberation that I speak to, and allowing our children to

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Speaker 1: not chase the success at the end of the rainbow

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Speaker 1: and the happiness at the end of the rainbow, but

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Speaker 1: really to experience this life path as they are authentically

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Speaker 1: meant to and whatever that looks like. And of course

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Speaker 1: we keep them safe and sound, but maybe we can't.

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Speaker 1: And surrendering to that and allowing our children to surrender

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Speaker 1: to their authentic life experience is really the signature of consciousness.

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Speaker 1: And do you have siblings? Yes? I grew up with

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Speaker 1: a siblings six years older than me and a boy

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Speaker 1: or girl a brother. A brother is in India, he's

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Speaker 1: still in India. Yeah, So you leave India, you come

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Speaker 1: to is it? Do you go to New York? Do

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Speaker 1: you go? Right now? I went to California and I

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Speaker 1: studied at a really avant garde school. It's called California

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Speaker 1: School of Integral Studies, which integrates East and West, which

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Speaker 1: became the foundation of all the work I do. So

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Speaker 1: it was a place made in Heaven for me because

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Speaker 1: I came from the East with Eastern philosophy embedded in

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Speaker 1: my subconscious and then was exposed to Western psychology. But

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Speaker 1: then i over there at that school, I was really

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Speaker 1: exposed to meditation and went on my first Vipasna meditation

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Speaker 1: when I was twenty two and really began exploring the

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Speaker 1: siritual underpinnings of my psyche and understanding the losery nature

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Speaker 1: of reality. H me too, I need. I went too

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Speaker 1: bolder for two years and drank and skied and then

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Speaker 1: left almost almost died. And everyone comes in a different path.

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Speaker 1: But I've been in therapy for twenty five years. There

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Speaker 1: you go, Yeah, we have something in common. No, but

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Speaker 1: that so just again re reading first of all, feeling

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Speaker 1: very inadequate. No, but I love the way that you

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Speaker 1: approach life. I mean that Eastern philosophical practice, so to speak,

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Speaker 1: spiritual practice, whatever it may be. We sort of grew

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Speaker 1: up with that. My mother, as you know, is very

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Speaker 1: much into her meditations, and you know, she never really

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Speaker 1: pushed it on us, which was really interesting. It was

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Speaker 1: something that she would invite, Like I remember, she'd always

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Speaker 1: invite me in to meditate with her. She'd always invite

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Speaker 1: me to experience this with her. And there was a

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Speaker 1: moment that I I was like, oh, this meditating, it's not

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Speaker 1: And I remember the first time I really meditated with mom.

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Speaker 1: I was sixteen in Muskoka, and I went in and

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Speaker 1: I sat with her and I just cried the entire meditation,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't know why I was crying. I just

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Speaker 1: and she was so amazing. She really does become a teacher.

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Speaker 1: My first meditation was with mom in Dharmsala actually with

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Speaker 1: his holiness so horrible. But I met the Dalai Lama

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Speaker 1: and I was not was not a practicing spiritual person.

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Speaker 1: But I got in a room with this man and

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Speaker 1: I started crying for no reason. I didn't know why

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Speaker 1: I was. I mean, now I can sort of understand,

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Speaker 1: you know, I was nineteen years old now I'm forty three.

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Speaker 1: But there was such empathy and such compassion just flowing

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Speaker 1: out of this person that you can't help but be

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Speaker 1: affected by it on an emotional level, you know, anyway.

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Speaker 1: But what I wanted to say. What I wanted to

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Speaker 1: say though, actually was you know, the way that you

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Speaker 1: approach life, it seems like it's less and tell me

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Speaker 1: if I'm wrong here. It's less about parenting and more

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Speaker 1: about us, the adults, the parents being the tip of

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Speaker 1: the spear. So it's almost like the parenting is the

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Speaker 1: byproduct of the work that you do on yourself. Yes, exactly,

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Speaker 1: raising our children is the byproduct of the raising of

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Speaker 1: the self. Right, So when you raise yourself, and you

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Speaker 1: use the intimate, sacred relationship with your child as your reflector,

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Speaker 1: as your mirror, as your teacher. Not to become more successful,

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Speaker 1: or more pretty, or more you know, wealthy, or with

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Speaker 1: more status, but really to go inward, to awaken to

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Speaker 1: the disruption of your patterns. How can I not pass

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Speaker 1: on my unconscious emotional legacies to my children? Can I

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Speaker 1: consciously and intentionally choose what I wish to pass on?

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Speaker 1: But in order for us to do that, you have

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Speaker 1: to awaken to the fact that you are emotionally vibrating

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Speaker 1: with your past. And unless you realize that, you know,

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Speaker 1: but it's hard for people to realize that because it's

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Speaker 1: the fish in the ocean. They don't even know that

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Speaker 1: they're in the water. So in the same way, our

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Speaker 1: subconscious ambiance lives with us constantly, the one we inherited

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Speaker 1: from childhood. So to become awakened to our own second skin,

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Speaker 1: it takes that process of great, deep inner work and

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Speaker 1: great courage. When did it click that you wanted to

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Speaker 1: do the work that you're doing right now for children?

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Speaker 1: It clicked when I became a mom. You know, when

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Speaker 1: you go through the process, and my daughter was so

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Speaker 1: for the first three years, I was pretty unconscious relative

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Speaker 1: you know, to my current state of consciousness, and so

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Speaker 1: I kind of screwed it up because I couldn't believe

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Speaker 1: that after all this healing I had done. You know,

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Speaker 1: I was thirty years old, I had been doing this

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Speaker 1: for nine years, rigorous meditation, intense therapy. I was entering

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Speaker 1: my PhD level of clinical psychology. Least of all me

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Speaker 1: should be so unconscious. Well, that bubble popped really fast

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Speaker 1: because I saw the guttural, primitive nature of my incessant

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Speaker 1: ego spewing out at my child. It took me three

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Speaker 1: years to realize what I was doing, and what I

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Speaker 1: was doing was mass projection, projection, projection, projection, black lack, scarcity,

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Speaker 1: wanting expectations, and the kid wasn't even three. And one

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Speaker 1: day I woke up to, you know, kind of bring

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Speaker 1: what I was doing on the mat in meditation into

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Speaker 1: real life. It finally coalist that that ego that I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to tame in meditation was right here. You know,

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Speaker 1: we're not trained as parents, we're not exposed as parents

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Speaker 1: to the mammoth of this parental ego. And I thought

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Speaker 1: that the love I had surely would overshadow the ego.

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Speaker 1: You know, if you're coming with good intention, all is

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Speaker 1: fair game. But when I realized that it was that

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Speaker 1: same ego that I talk about in my therapy practice

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Speaker 1: or try to battle in meditation, was showing up despite

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Speaker 1: the intense love I had for my kid. That was

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Speaker 1: my epiphany and I remember it, and that's when I

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Speaker 1: began writing about it. And I was scared to reveal

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Speaker 1: this to the world because I was scared to look

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Speaker 1: at my own ego. And I thought to myself, I

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Speaker 1: won't have a practice my parents, All my parents in

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Speaker 1: my practice will fire me, because who is more defensive

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Speaker 1: than the parent? Right? How can you tell the parent

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Speaker 1: it's all you, This is about you, It's about your triggers, anxiety,

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Speaker 1: your fear. I could barely muster the courage to look

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Speaker 1: at that reflection myself, leave alone share it with the world.

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Speaker 1: So I never thought this would go viral, so to speak. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: But but the difference is, though, is that you are

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Speaker 1: not sitting on a pedestal. You are You are right

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Speaker 1: on the level with your clients, with your patients, because

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Speaker 1: I've heard you, I've heard you speak before. You know,

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Speaker 1: I mean I've heard you talk about how you have

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Speaker 1: done things correctly and incorrectly even now, and I love

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Speaker 1: how you talk about evolution. We are constantly evolving, always, always, always.

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Speaker 1: I think also it's about the individuals. You said that

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Speaker 1: when we start imposing our own desires onto our children

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Speaker 1: is when we start failing as parents. But it's easier

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Speaker 1: said than done. That's an unconscious exactly, that's an unconscious

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Speaker 1: thing that we do. You find yourself constantly, but that

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Speaker 1: I mean not as life period. You're constantly at battle

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Speaker 1: with your ego. Your ego always creeps, whether it be

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Speaker 1: in business, whether it be in relationships, whether it be

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Speaker 1: and by the way, mostly with your kids, because that

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Speaker 1: is the great extension of yourself. I always find people

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Speaker 1: come to me and ask me advice all the time

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Speaker 1: about like life and balance and kids and work and success.

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Speaker 1: And I'm always like, I don't have an answer to that.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean, it's never perfect, it never

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Speaker 1: feels truly balanced. It's an everyday process of tuning in

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Speaker 1: and staying mindful. But there's a beauty in that. I

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Speaker 1: like that. The off the imbalance is sort of interesting.

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Speaker 1: You're always on your toes you're always sort of thoughtful

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Speaker 1: and mindful and trying to figure shit out. But it

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Speaker 1: is our fear of living in eternal groundlessness, which once

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Speaker 1: you begin doing, is so beautiful to live in. But

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Speaker 1: people are so riddled to live in that, so paralyzed

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Speaker 1: by fear to live in the eternal impermanence and transience

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Speaker 1: of life, that we've created these institutions, like the religious institutions,

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Speaker 1: which tell you, you you know, it's kind of like the

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Speaker 1: elders realize that we human mortals are just too scared

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Speaker 1: to live in the groundlessness of life. So let's make

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Speaker 1: it easy. Let's give you a prescription, tell you who

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Speaker 1: to believe in, tell you what day to pray, how

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Speaker 1: to pray, what to wear when you pray, and then

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Speaker 1: it just takes out all the mystery, and then you

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Speaker 1: just believe in this external source, and that way you

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Speaker 1: don't have to be afraid of living in the groundlessness.

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Speaker 1: But the Eastern mystics understood that true mastery off your

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Speaker 1: mind comes in learning to not rely on anything external

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Speaker 1: and to go within yourself and live in the impermanence

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Speaker 1: of life, because it is that is the truth. There

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Speaker 1: is no permanence, there's no ground, there's no security, it's

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Speaker 1: all an illusion. It's so liberating though, if you can

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Speaker 1: live in that space, it is the most freeing, liberating feeling.

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Speaker 1: I find that when I'm in the purest, most open

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Speaker 1: place in me, when I'm connected and feeling an understanding impermanence,

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Speaker 1: is when I am the most vulnerable and emotional. It's

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Speaker 1: the most It's like that bittersweet thing in life that

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Speaker 1: you are so in love that you have to leave it.

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Speaker 1: And when you have a beautiful life, when you have

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Speaker 1: great connections with your children, or your friends or your family,

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Speaker 1: it's so bitter sweet. It's so it's such a shitty

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Speaker 1: thing that we have to all die. So instead of

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Speaker 1: actually expanding even more and feeling more beauty, you start

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Speaker 1: to close those things off because it's scary that we're

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Speaker 1: going to lose them. Yes, it's unfathomable beauty and a

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Speaker 1: depth of openness that comes with entering the present moment.

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Speaker 1: That is what we're seeking. We want that, but that

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Speaker 1: is our greatest fear because then with that comes the

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Speaker 1: realization that we have to leave it and it is

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Speaker 1: only for this moment. But if we don't live in

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Speaker 1: this moment and we lose the moment. So yeah, we

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Speaker 1: don't have to confront the loss of the moment, but

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Speaker 1: we don't live in the moment. So this is the paradox,

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Speaker 1: you know. And if you understand what Eastern mysticism talks

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Speaker 1: about through meditation, then you enter the moment, the moment elasticizes,

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Speaker 1: it becomes eternal, Your life slows down, all the distraction

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Speaker 1: goes away. All your tethers to the external world that

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Speaker 1: you're enslaved by now get cut and now you live free. Yes,

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Speaker 1: you understand that you can die now because you're already

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Speaker 1: dying anyway, and you're open to that now. So yes,

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Speaker 1: you have that imminent sort of end of life always

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Speaker 1: with you, that sense. But it also expands you to

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Speaker 1: live fully now, and it's endultering. All want that, we

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Speaker 1: all want to live fully, and yet we're so afraid

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Speaker 1: to live fully. And then within all of that that

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Speaker 1: means like, so what experiencing your life? How are you

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Speaker 1: going to experience your life? It's like, yes, there's great

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Speaker 1: things I want to do personally, there's all, but at

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Speaker 1: the end of the day, it's just all about how

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Speaker 1: I'm raising my children. Like that's it. That's what you leave.

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Speaker 1: That's it. I mean, none of it means anything if

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Speaker 1: I'm not getting that right. But it's funny because it's

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Speaker 1: a bit counterintuitive and that you're raising your children, but

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Speaker 1: that's an active sentence. You're raising your children, but we

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Speaker 1: need to let them liberate themselves as well or find

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Speaker 1: their own freedom. You want to do well by them,

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Speaker 1: but at the end of the day, if they turn

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Speaker 1: to drugs, say, does that mean you raise them wrong?

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Speaker 1: It doesn't. It just means that you know the energies

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Speaker 1: in their life for that moment, for their destiny unfolded

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Speaker 1: in that way. You know, raising them comes again with

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Speaker 1: that counterintuitive understanding. You can raise them, but you have

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Speaker 1: no control over them and no control over who they

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Speaker 1: will become. There is no trajectory, no strategy. And this

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Speaker 1: this is the groundlessness of conscious parenting that people protest against.

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Speaker 1: You know, everyone gets upset with me because I didn't

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Speaker 1: give them the three strategies to get their kid to poop, write,

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Speaker 1: and eat carrots. And you know where ties straight. Because

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Speaker 1: I don't give them those tips and strategies. I teach

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Speaker 1: them to live in the groundlessness of consciousness. And when

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Speaker 1: you do that, then the child understands that even if

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Speaker 1: they didn't poop right or they get C grades, they

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Speaker 1: are okay. They are okay because they're experiencing their life

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Speaker 1: as they are meant to, you know. So this is

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Speaker 1: a metaphysical dimensional awareness that people don't have because people

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Speaker 1: are very caught up in the physical reality of life.

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Speaker 1: How do I look? Who do I which status group,

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Speaker 1: which peer group do I belong to? What are my grades?

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Speaker 1: So we're caught by this, you know, constant mailstrom of

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Speaker 1: external attachments. And this is the cause of misery. This

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Speaker 1: is the cause of suffering. So when I, especially in schools,

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Speaker 1: when I text my son like every hour when he's

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Speaker 1: at a party now that he's a teenager, and I say,

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Speaker 1: don't do drugs, I'll kill you. Is that not a

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Speaker 1: good way to hear? No. I think part of it

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Speaker 1: is being human and letting them know I'll just you know,

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Speaker 1: all I'll do is kill you. It's okay to be human.

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Speaker 1: But it's not about so much again, the words you say,

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Speaker 1: it's really your understanding that you have to release all

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Speaker 1: your expectations otherwise you are setting yourself up for misery.

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Speaker 1: Also know, in parallel, concomitantly that you have no control.

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Speaker 1: And as long as you have that awareness, then when

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Speaker 1: things go quote unquote awre, nothing really goes awry. Everything

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Speaker 1: goes to plan. But according to the material world, if

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Speaker 1: things go awry, you're ready with the embrace of you

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Speaker 1: know what this moment has for you, and you're ready

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Speaker 1: to enter it. You're not going to resist it. Half

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Speaker 1: our problem is because we're resisting reality, right, But we

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Speaker 1: have to take some and again, you know, challenge me,

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Speaker 1: but we have to take some responsibility in how we

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Speaker 1: raise our kids and who they become. If Jeffrey Dahmer

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Speaker 1: right was born and he was came into our family,

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Speaker 1: we adopted Jeffrey Dahmer. Jeez, what would Jeffrey Dahmer be

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Speaker 1: killing and eating people? I mean, where's your thoughts on

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Speaker 1: nature versus nurture? You know, well, let me tell you

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Speaker 1: nature is huge. Nature is huge, and so as nurture.

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Speaker 1: So there's no line and it's an interaction. So you

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Speaker 1: can take responsibility as a parent, of course, this is

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Speaker 1: the whole point of conscious parenting. Take responsibility for your

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Speaker 1: own brokenness, but again to do so with a sense

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Speaker 1: of shame or dread or regret or remorse or guilt.

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Speaker 1: Is not coming from a place of wholeness. So we

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Speaker 1: take responsibility for our own raising as much as we can,

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Speaker 1: but we also have to understand that things happen in

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Speaker 1: our children's lives. You know, parents are devastated when their

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Speaker 1: children go off the beaten track and they blame themselves,

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Speaker 1: and I absolve them of blame. Sure, take accountability for

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Speaker 1: your part in it. We are all co creators in

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Speaker 1: our reality, but we are not the masters of another's destiny.

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Speaker 1: You're never going to do everything right. There's no such thing.

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Speaker 1: There's no such It's an illusion, there's no right. So

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Speaker 1: does your kid who goes to, you know, an Ivy

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Speaker 1: League school and work in a fancy corporate corner office.

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Speaker 1: Is that doing it right? What is doing it right?

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Speaker 1: My indicator of doing it right is a lot is

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Speaker 1: how authentic can the child feel in their life? Can

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Speaker 1: they live their truth and be honest about who it

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Speaker 1: is they are without fear of shame and Reprimand you

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Speaker 1: know that to me, when my child can come to

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Speaker 1: me and say, Mom, I vaped, don't kill me, let's

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Speaker 1: talk about it, that is more valuable to me than

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Speaker 1: the good kid who doesn't vape. Now I'm very happy

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Speaker 1: if my kid doesn't vape. But you know what I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to say, rather the kid, yeah, we got that

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Speaker 1: that up front. Tell me the truth, you know, the

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Speaker 1: repercussions are worse. Honestly in my situation, if you're lying

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Speaker 1: to me, well, I feel like what you're saying is

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Speaker 1: is that if your kids feel confident coming to you

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Speaker 1: and sharing what's going on in their lives and their

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Speaker 1: personal story, then you have an openness and a connectivity

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Speaker 1: that will carry them into their entire their whole independent life.

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Speaker 1: You're teaching them that being open and making mistakes is okay, right,

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Speaker 1: and you come across to them as a human being too.

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Speaker 1: You know, you're not coming from this pedestal of all

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Speaker 1: knowing you're relatable. But again, if we don't do our

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Speaker 1: own work, there's a danger that we use them as

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Speaker 1: our therapists, as as a codependent enablers, and we don't

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Speaker 1: want that totally. I feel like sometimes I find myself

426
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:50,240
Speaker 1: when I step outside and observe myself, or I become

427
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,520
Speaker 1: sort of mindful and aware in the way that I'm parenting.

428
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,600
Speaker 1: When I feel like I'm off a little bit as

429
00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,879
Speaker 1: a parent, I realize that I am trying to impose

430
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 1: on my children what I didn't get as a kid,

431
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:11,679
Speaker 1: and especially in school when it comes to work ethic,

432
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,440
Speaker 1: when it comes to you know, buckling down. I am

433
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 1: sitting with my kid, with Wilder, my oldest, and constantly

434
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,200
Speaker 1: trying to help him. But it's almost to the point

435
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:24,520
Speaker 1: where sometimes Oliver and I'd be like, maybe we should

436
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:31,760
Speaker 1: just like not do you if we let them? Yeah? Yeah,

437
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,880
Speaker 1: Well no, I mean but you're talking to extremes now,

438
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:40,000
Speaker 1: you know, You're you're talking complete, like benign neglect to

439
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 1: the and then on the other end this obsessive, compulsive

440
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,320
Speaker 1: desire to fix them. So I think the answer is

441
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,959
Speaker 1: in between. You know, you you take their lead, you

442
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,480
Speaker 1: give them guidance, and but you don't come with this

443
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,600
Speaker 1: anxious energy that you're going to now give them what

444
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,960
Speaker 1: you didn't have, or you're going to complete them, or

445
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,760
Speaker 1: you're going to straighten them. It's that energy with which

446
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,280
Speaker 1: you come with. And most of us come with this

447
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,240
Speaker 1: highly anxious energy, and our children pick up on it

448
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 1: and they either comply or they revolt. You know, the

449
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,560
Speaker 1: more the parent owns their own stuff and lives their

450
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,040
Speaker 1: own life fully, the child will pick up on less

451
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,879
Speaker 1: there will be that separation. But the issue is that

452
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:23,280
Speaker 1: our stuff spills over. We're not happy, we're not satisfied,

453
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:27,040
Speaker 1: we're moaning, we're complaining, we're passive, aggressive, we're not fully

454
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 1: liberated in our own lives. Our children pick up on that.

455
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,240
Speaker 1: So that's why I teach parents it's all about you.

456
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:37,480
Speaker 1: You do you own it consciously, work on you, the

457
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:41,640
Speaker 1: less we will sink out and seep out into your children. Yeah,

458
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 1: managing different parenting styles is something that is what so

459
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,919
Speaker 1: many people deal with now. I mean, over fifty percent

460
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:55,119
Speaker 1: of people are raising children are co parenting. So what

461
00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,159
Speaker 1: would be your advice to the parents that sort of

462
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,960
Speaker 1: approach parenting a little bit differently are trying to co parent. Yeah,

463
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 1: most parents will find themselves in this conundrum of having

464
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:11,479
Speaker 1: a different parental style, and it's tough. It's really hard.

465
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,240
Speaker 1: So for those who are trying to be conscious, I

466
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 1: first say, don't expect your spouse to become conscious. It's

467
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,639
Speaker 1: hard enough for you to become conscious, you know, because

468
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:23,040
Speaker 1: what happens is, say the woman begins to awaken. Now

469
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,080
Speaker 1: she's really pissed off at her husband because he's not awakening.

470
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:28,920
Speaker 1: And this is the typical scenario. You know, women come

471
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,240
Speaker 1: to this a little bit more easily, and they're more

472
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,720
Speaker 1: of the seekers of consciousness more typically in all my conferences,

473
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,720
Speaker 1: I have seventy five percent women. It's just what we do.

474
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:41,280
Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean that men are less able. It

475
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,560
Speaker 1: just means that there will be an inherent discrepancy. So

476
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,719
Speaker 1: the first thing is to understand that everyone is at

477
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:50,400
Speaker 1: a different point on the continuum of consciousness. You cannot

478
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:54,000
Speaker 1: expect your spouse to be on your point. Having said that,

479
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,960
Speaker 1: you have to embrace the difference and don't stop your

480
00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 1: own awakening because your partner can't parent consciously. I say,

481
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:04,560
Speaker 1: you know, an awaken families one conscious parent with their child.

482
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: It just takes one person. You know, often we retard

483
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,360
Speaker 1: or pause our own awakening because no one else is

484
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:13,920
Speaker 1: coming along with us. Awakening is a lonely process. You

485
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 1: will be doing it alone. But as you keep doing it,

486
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,800
Speaker 1: you will then attract a more like minded like how

487
00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:22,360
Speaker 1: to tribe like you said, you'll attract and you'll be

488
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,760
Speaker 1: ready to receive more healthy relationships as you become healthy

489
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: and whole. But you may have to leave old relationships behind.

490
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:32,520
Speaker 1: And this is another you know, it's the warning sign

491
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:35,760
Speaker 1: on the on the pack of marriage that you may

492
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:38,960
Speaker 1: be leaving your old relationships because when you want, when

493
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:42,160
Speaker 1: you begin to awaken, you leave that dimension, You leave

494
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 1: that our whole crowd. I also find, just from having

495
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:49,080
Speaker 1: so many women who've been through this and friendships, that

496
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:50,680
Speaker 1: when you and I always say, you know, when you

497
00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:56,240
Speaker 1: have your first child, it really brings out the parenting

498
00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:59,600
Speaker 1: styles is a make or break in a relationship. So

499
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:03,280
Speaker 1: I find that when you have your children, that's for

500
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:07,760
Speaker 1: a relationship is the biggest test. It's a huge challenge,

501
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,760
Speaker 1: and people take it as a personal failure or they

502
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:13,520
Speaker 1: look at their love as a failure. But it's really,

503
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:15,800
Speaker 1: as you said, it's nothing to do with the quality

504
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:18,240
Speaker 1: of your love. Some people are just not meant to

505
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:22,160
Speaker 1: parent together. You know. Parenting takes a specific sort of union.

506
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,200
Speaker 1: That is that you don't anticipate. You think, oh I

507
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 1: love this person, oh we create a family. We don't

508
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:31,120
Speaker 1: realize what a huge set of skills parenting takes just

509
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:34,000
Speaker 1: on your own leave alone with a partner. So I

510
00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:37,120
Speaker 1: always tell people to have compassion toward their love and

511
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:40,200
Speaker 1: compassion toward their union. There is no such thing as failure.

512
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,160
Speaker 1: It just means that you want men to be parents together.

513
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 1: But you know, awakening still has to happen, and it

514
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,400
Speaker 1: is possible to raise a child with a different parenting style.

515
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 1: You just have to kind of make your case and

516
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: believe in what you believe, and then if you can't

517
00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:58,360
Speaker 1: parent under the same roof, you may have to separate.

518
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 1: But there is no one way to raise a child

519
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:06,760
Speaker 1: or children in general. Everyone has a different style, so

520
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:10,040
Speaker 1: to speak, or a different way to do, to do

521
00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:12,960
Speaker 1: the different way you do things. Correct. Yeah, but I

522
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,960
Speaker 1: think I think there now. What I've come to dial

523
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 1: inate is an old paradigm and a new paradigm. So

524
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:22,240
Speaker 1: I like to think of conscious parenting as the new paradigm.

525
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 1: And the old paradigm is more controlled based, more fear based,

526
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 1: more regimented, more prescription based, more hierarchical, more linear. Right,

527
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,600
Speaker 1: but what about what about this though? You know, because

528
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:36,920
Speaker 1: you say that sort of you know, one of the

529
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:40,960
Speaker 1: first things that you need is sort of a spiritual practice. Well,

530
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,240
Speaker 1: how do you can you be a conscious parent without

531
00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 1: a spiritual practice? No, you can't, No, because consciousness means

532
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,280
Speaker 1: you have to awaken to your own self. That means

533
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 1: you have to go inward. So how do you go inward?

534
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,120
Speaker 1: You can't go inward looking outward. You have to have

535
00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:00,280
Speaker 1: a practice that takes you inward, and meditation and self

536
00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 1: growth are the ways to go inwards. So you have

537
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:07,360
Speaker 1: to be Eastern philosophical or can it be any sort

538
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:11,280
Speaker 1: of a meditation meaning you know, whether you could be

539
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:14,400
Speaker 1: a Christian or Jewish or Muslim or whatever. I mean

540
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,360
Speaker 1: as far as the spirituality goes, Religion and spirituality obviously

541
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:21,280
Speaker 1: are two very different things. Is there a certain spirituality

542
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,680
Speaker 1: that you have to sort of adhere to to be

543
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:28,680
Speaker 1: a conscious parent? A practice that allows you to detach

544
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:33,440
Speaker 1: from the externals. So if the practice is still contemplative,

545
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 1: but you're focused on an external goal, on an external

546
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 1: idle person thing, prayer, sanctuary, it's not going to make

547
00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: you awake into who you are. So anything that allows

548
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 1: you to go inward to understand the nature of your

549
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:53,240
Speaker 1: inner reality and connect to your inner being. You know,

550
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,880
Speaker 1: there's a being within our being that we are completely

551
00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:02,200
Speaker 1: unknown to. We are strangers to that being within our being.

552
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 1: You know that sense of wholeness that psychologists talk about.

553
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:09,600
Speaker 1: Where is that sense of wholeness? It's within this outer layer.

554
00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:13,200
Speaker 1: So consciousness requires you to get in touch with that

555
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:18,200
Speaker 1: inner being, that inner wholeness, which is separate from your identity,

556
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:22,160
Speaker 1: your title, your accomplishments, your perfection on the external world.

557
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:26,360
Speaker 1: So if Christianity and Judaism in any organized religion allows

558
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 1: you to go inward without attachment to the outward, then yes,

559
00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:34,360
Speaker 1: what it does? What it does? So real quick, real quick,

560
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:39,040
Speaker 1: real quickicker. Okay, let me talk for two seconds. Have

561
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 1: you heard the Hoffmann Institute. Okay, so I process, I went,

562
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:47,880
Speaker 1: I did it, and it was the most profound experience

563
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:51,240
Speaker 1: that I've had in my life. There's so many things

564
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:53,000
Speaker 1: that I would want to talk to you about this,

565
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:57,320
Speaker 1: but it just it jibed so well and so much

566
00:33:57,360 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 1: with what you write about and sort if you're philosophies.

567
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:05,000
Speaker 1: But interestingly enough, when you go there, they use all

568
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:10,000
Speaker 1: different spiritualities in religion. The music they play, the philosophies.

569
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,840
Speaker 1: It seems to be based in CBT and cognitive behavioral therapy.

570
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,680
Speaker 1: That seems to be the foundation of it. But it

571
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:20,120
Speaker 1: is about old patterns. I mean, I'm sure you know

572
00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,760
Speaker 1: what it's all about, but it is about these negative

573
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:26,279
Speaker 1: love patterns that you adopt from your parents on an

574
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:31,120
Speaker 1: unconscious level. And it's about awakening and being conscious of

575
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 1: those patterns, understanding that you are not your patterns and

576
00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:39,560
Speaker 1: your parents are not their patterns. I mean, it's a

577
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:44,120
Speaker 1: generational thing. It changed my whole life. It changed my

578
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 1: relationship with my wife. It allowed me to be vulnerable

579
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:51,239
Speaker 1: without fear. And then from a parenting standpoint, especially with

580
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,720
Speaker 1: my oldest son, Wilder, I realized that I was doing

581
00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:58,719
Speaker 1: things incorrectly with him. He's a very sensitive boy, and

582
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:05,080
Speaker 1: I I was awakened to this fact that he is me,

583
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 1: meaning I see myself in him so much so and

584
00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:12,080
Speaker 1: I hadn't before Hoffman, and I was a little too

585
00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:16,000
Speaker 1: hard on him. You know, I was almost yelling at myself.

586
00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:21,080
Speaker 1: I was getting angry and disciplining my inner child, so

587
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:25,640
Speaker 1: to speak. And it was a really cathartic, amazing, amazing

588
00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:29,040
Speaker 1: experience for me. And you know, I just wanted to

589
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:32,200
Speaker 1: know if you knew about the Hoffman Institute, right, And

590
00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:35,520
Speaker 1: what you speak to is important, is important, because yes,

591
00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:38,400
Speaker 1: I send people there and to do the process. So

592
00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:41,600
Speaker 1: there's different layers of awakening. So the first awakening that

593
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,000
Speaker 1: I like to speak about is your awareness that we

594
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:47,000
Speaker 1: are living in a material world that is never going

595
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:50,560
Speaker 1: to give us sustainable happiness or joy or freedom. And

596
00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,799
Speaker 1: as long as we're stuck in the material world, which

597
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:55,280
Speaker 1: is most of us. Most of the world is trapped

598
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,479
Speaker 1: in just the material existence of getting their paycheck, paying

599
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:01,200
Speaker 1: their bills, getting to work on time, dealing with traffic,

600
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:04,680
Speaker 1: and they stay stuck there where you're constantly reacting to

601
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,640
Speaker 1: life as if life is against you. So that's the

602
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 1: most common prevalent way of living. And then when you

603
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:13,239
Speaker 1: begin to awaken a little bit, you go into the

604
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:15,839
Speaker 1: psychological realm, which is what you did with Hoffmann. You

605
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,880
Speaker 1: begin to go back into your ancestral legacies, your patterns.

606
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,319
Speaker 1: You begin to understand, Wow, I'm not living a life.

607
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:24,400
Speaker 1: I'm living a pattern and the pattern comes from my childhood,

608
00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:26,920
Speaker 1: and now I need to deconstruct that and begin to

609
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:30,520
Speaker 1: disrupt those patterns. That's a psychological layer, very important. That's

610
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:32,520
Speaker 1: why I'm a psychologist. I help people do that, get

611
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:35,120
Speaker 1: in touch with that inner child, what was left wounded?

612
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,280
Speaker 1: How do we heal that? And I strongly encourage everyone

613
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:41,360
Speaker 1: to be in therapy because we do have psychological baggage

614
00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:44,600
Speaker 1: that we need to clear up. Then as you ascend,

615
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:47,840
Speaker 1: you get into the spiritual and the transcendent layers of awakening,

616
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:51,760
Speaker 1: and that's where you realize, Okay, I've done the psychological healing,

617
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:54,480
Speaker 1: I've left the matrix of the material world, and now

618
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 1: I want to discover who I truly am. And in

619
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:02,960
Speaker 1: order to truly discover those depths of your deepest registers

620
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:06,440
Speaker 1: of existence, you go into a contemplative practice. This is

621
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,040
Speaker 1: so true because you know, I felt like I came

622
00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:11,680
Speaker 1: back from this experience and the people who I love

623
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:16,960
Speaker 1: the most didn't truly know my capabilities of how much

624
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,120
Speaker 1: I could love, especially my wife. You know, there was

625
00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:22,880
Speaker 1: a vulnerability, a lack of vulnerability that I had in

626
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:26,040
Speaker 1: my relationship. And I was like, oh my god, I'm

627
00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:30,279
Speaker 1: so excited because you get to finally experience, like me

628
00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:33,400
Speaker 1: at at the core of who I am, saying with

629
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:36,880
Speaker 1: Kate and my mother and everyone else. And it was

630
00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 1: just profound for me, you know, because essentially you feel

631
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,520
Speaker 1: like you've been not living a lie, but living in

632
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:48,479
Speaker 1: a shell. You know, of some your veils are coming off,

633
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,719
Speaker 1: you know, as you disrupt the patterns, you wake up

634
00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:54,120
Speaker 1: right and now you're not living leashed to patterns that

635
00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:57,840
Speaker 1: are subconsciously, unconsciously ruling you. So now you those those

636
00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:01,239
Speaker 1: defenses over your heart have now been away, and now

637
00:38:01,239 --> 00:38:03,160
Speaker 1: you're ready to show your heart. You know, you don't

638
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:06,360
Speaker 1: need those defenses anymore because you've healed so much stuff.

639
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:09,399
Speaker 1: All your woundedness got healed at that Hoffmann process, and

640
00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,200
Speaker 1: there's a great plug for them. They're going to be

641
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 1: so happy podcast. I know. I bring it up every

642
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:18,000
Speaker 1: single like we could be with like Jim Carrey, and

643
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:21,279
Speaker 1: I'm like, have you done that? I just love it.

644
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:23,600
Speaker 1: I loved it so much. Yeah. But I think what

645
00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:26,320
Speaker 1: it speaks to is that is the necessity, the necessity

646
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,520
Speaker 1: of a psychological process. And you do that with a therapist,

647
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:32,520
Speaker 1: a guide, a coach, where you go to the deepest

648
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,920
Speaker 1: recesses of your childhood and begin to heal what was

649
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:38,520
Speaker 1: left unhealed, and then you come back more open, more awaken,

650
00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:41,520
Speaker 1: more courageous to love, to be yourself, to be bare,

651
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:44,200
Speaker 1: to be raw, to be transparent. I do find that

652
00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:51,880
Speaker 1: the combination of a psychologist and a practice is paramount

653
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:55,680
Speaker 1: to opening up all of your pathways to really kind

654
00:38:55,680 --> 00:39:00,160
Speaker 1: of understanding yourself better. What do you think about kids

655
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,719
Speaker 1: in therapy? Well, I don't believe in kids in therapy

656
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:08,320
Speaker 1: without or to the exclusion of the whole parental system

657
00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:11,800
Speaker 1: because the child is not the issue in my opinion,

658
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:16,960
Speaker 1: right they become the identified issue. But some children need

659
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 1: a safe space to explore, to vent, to express, They

660
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,879
Speaker 1: need the language, they need the emotional artillery to talk

661
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,719
Speaker 1: with their parents, and so in that aspect, if it

662
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:28,920
Speaker 1: is to get to the parents, then I agree with

663
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:32,000
Speaker 1: children being in therapy. Now after the age of thirteen fourteen,

664
00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:34,600
Speaker 1: when children are more owning of who it is they are,

665
00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:37,160
Speaker 1: then they can be without the parent. You know, But

666
00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 1: if I see a kid below the age of twelve,

667
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:45,480
Speaker 1: I will most typically be mostly seeing the parents. Oh entirely.

668
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:48,360
Speaker 1: I have another quick question because it is about children,

669
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:52,600
Speaker 1: and you say a lot that children express themselves freely,

670
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:56,879
Speaker 1: but that adults don't. And where do you think that

671
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,640
Speaker 1: that kind of starts to break down. Well, it depends

672
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:02,120
Speaker 1: on the time, the nature of the child. Some children

673
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,960
Speaker 1: get beaten down fast within the first year and a

674
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:08,520
Speaker 1: half or two. Those who are really sensitive, fragile, empathic,

675
00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:12,799
Speaker 1: those bleeding impaths, those natures get shut down fast, and

676
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:16,120
Speaker 1: you've got a servile child, a very good child. Those

677
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:18,879
Speaker 1: are the children we call good children. And then the

678
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:22,120
Speaker 1: more tough temperaments, you know where they're tough to get through.

679
00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:26,040
Speaker 1: They break down later. But everyone is giving up pieces

680
00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:29,520
Speaker 1: of themselves to an unconscious family system. There's just no

681
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:31,880
Speaker 1: way to avoid it. My child has given up pieces

682
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:35,040
Speaker 1: of herself to me, despite how much I've endeavored to

683
00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:37,640
Speaker 1: be conscious. It is just the fallout, the default of

684
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:41,320
Speaker 1: living this human existence. So no need to beat ourselves.

685
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:44,000
Speaker 1: As we've talked about, it's okay we will be screwing

686
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,680
Speaker 1: up our children. The point is not to avoid it.

687
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:51,160
Speaker 1: The point is to understand and to minimize its damaging effects.

688
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:54,680
Speaker 1: So your daughter's sixteen? Is she in tenth or eleventh grade? Eleventh?

689
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:58,239
Speaker 1: Just from my own experience, I find everybody talks about teenagers.

690
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:00,800
Speaker 1: Oh my god, teenage, especially with girls and their mothers.

691
00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:03,239
Speaker 1: Everybody has something to say about it. Does she ever

692
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:06,120
Speaker 1: like and you think you know everything because you write

693
00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 1: these books and you think you're a conscious parent, but

694
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:12,600
Speaker 1: you don't know shit. All the time. She must must

695
00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:15,120
Speaker 1: declare to me how little I know. It's her mission

696
00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:19,040
Speaker 1: and loss. It's so funny. But are you finding that

697
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:23,000
Speaker 1: you're enjoying the teenage years? Because I actually must say

698
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:25,840
Speaker 1: that as he gets older and older, I just have

699
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,480
Speaker 1: more and more fun with him. It gets it's a

700
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 1: more It's a different kind of relationship you have with

701
00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:33,600
Speaker 1: your teens than obviously you do when they're younger, because

702
00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:37,680
Speaker 1: it's more about being there emotionally for them than it

703
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:42,760
Speaker 1: is about logistics. Yeah, but I'm actually finding that it's

704
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:46,920
Speaker 1: it's so wonderful getting to know him as a young man.

705
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:50,200
Speaker 1: How is your experience with it? Yeah, I'll just talk

706
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:53,160
Speaker 1: about the prototypical experience and then get to mind. Prototypically,

707
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,920
Speaker 1: the reason why teenagers get such a bad rap is

708
00:41:55,960 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 1: because parents are mortified of finally having to relinquished control,

709
00:42:01,719 --> 00:42:06,160
Speaker 1: and teenagers live on the edge. They're it very chaotic,

710
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:09,000
Speaker 1: and it's all showing they're so mature on one hand

711
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:12,640
Speaker 1: and then utterly delinquent on the other hand, and it's

712
00:42:12,719 --> 00:42:16,000
Speaker 1: confounding to us. I mean, talk about being confronted with

713
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:20,600
Speaker 1: the groundlessness of life. Teenagers embody the riskiness of life,

714
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:23,640
Speaker 1: you know, and they force you to confront the edginess

715
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,040
Speaker 1: of life. And so that's why parents have a hard time.

716
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:29,080
Speaker 1: They want their sweet, compliant, little docile child that they

717
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:30,879
Speaker 1: could put to bed at nine o'clock, and they don't

718
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:33,120
Speaker 1: want this raving lunatic who won't go to sleep till two.

719
00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:35,440
Speaker 1: You know, what are they doing when I go to sleep? Right,

720
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:39,279
Speaker 1: We're losing control and our identity as parents who are

721
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:42,360
Speaker 1: in charge is now coming into question and we're terrified.

722
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:45,279
Speaker 1: So that's why teenagers get the bad rap as if

723
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:47,719
Speaker 1: they're the bad ones. It's just because we have to

724
00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:51,520
Speaker 1: lose our control. Right. But in terms of my experience, yea,

725
00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:55,719
Speaker 1: I you know, because I'm on the spiritual path. For me,

726
00:42:56,400 --> 00:43:00,799
Speaker 1: experiences that challenge my ego, that call me to my humility,

727
00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:03,880
Speaker 1: pulled me to my knees, are embraced by me. So

728
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,200
Speaker 1: when she tells me you have a Buddha complex or

729
00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:08,680
Speaker 1: a Jesus complex, or you know, every day it's a

730
00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:11,520
Speaker 1: different person. She's like, you're just complex. You have a

731
00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:15,440
Speaker 1: doctor Shaffali complex. So whenever she tells me that, I laugh.

732
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 1: You know, I want to be irrelevant. I want to

733
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:22,440
Speaker 1: be annhigilated in my ego, so I want it, you know,

734
00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:25,040
Speaker 1: I embrace it, So I just laugh. I love it.

735
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:28,000
Speaker 1: It's a slap to my ego, which is always needed,

736
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:30,480
Speaker 1: and I want it. I look forward to it. But

737
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,880
Speaker 1: I can see how it prickles parents who are not

738
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:36,360
Speaker 1: ready for it. What's your let's talk about discipline for

739
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:41,480
Speaker 1: a second. Yeah, well, just give me your overall on

740
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:46,200
Speaker 1: discipline and where that fits in in your world, because

741
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:48,200
Speaker 1: I'd like to sort of just get into that as

742
00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:50,399
Speaker 1: far as the way I do things and maybe Kate

743
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:54,479
Speaker 1: does things. Yeah, So I don't buy into the old

744
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:57,759
Speaker 1: paradigm of discipline. Yeah, I think it's a lazy paradigm

745
00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:59,880
Speaker 1: where you just ground your kids and take away there

746
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:02,520
Speaker 1: that you gave them and you throw them into the

747
00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:05,600
Speaker 1: room because they're making you uncomfortable. So all of that

748
00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:11,000
Speaker 1: control based, reactionary sort of discipline I call into question.

749
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:14,400
Speaker 1: What I prefer is that parents really check their boundaries

750
00:44:14,560 --> 00:44:19,000
Speaker 1: right and really understand their consistency, their hypocrisies, their loopholes,

751
00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:22,640
Speaker 1: and how do you create an ambiance of alignment in

752
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:26,759
Speaker 1: your home. And you know, in my personal life, I

753
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:29,080
Speaker 1: wasn't so good with boundaries, and that was my failing

754
00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:32,160
Speaker 1: and also my greatest learning. It had to do with

755
00:44:32,239 --> 00:44:36,080
Speaker 1: me as a woman culturally and why I was afraid

756
00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:38,720
Speaker 1: of conflict and how I grew up. So I used

757
00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:44,000
Speaker 1: my mishaps in boundary making to evolve me to understand

758
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:46,239
Speaker 1: me in the greater context of who I am as

759
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:49,719
Speaker 1: a woman from India. So I challenge parents to look

760
00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:53,759
Speaker 1: at their control issues, at their boundary issues. It's in

761
00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:56,799
Speaker 1: every parent. No parent has done boundaries right. But when

762
00:44:56,840 --> 00:44:59,399
Speaker 1: you talk about boundaries, like I have a big thing

763
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,400
Speaker 1: with screen t I have a big thing with the

764
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 1: connectivity of families and putting everything down and focusing on

765
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:09,200
Speaker 1: each other. And I'm very strict about that. So it's

766
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:12,120
Speaker 1: like phones go down at a certain time, we don't

767
00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:15,319
Speaker 1: use them at the table, Television's not on all day.

768
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,879
Speaker 1: We don't put the television on in front of our baby.

769
00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:20,400
Speaker 1: So we have these boundaries for me, which is not

770
00:45:20,440 --> 00:45:23,799
Speaker 1: a discipline. It's not about disciplining. It's just about connecting

771
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:26,479
Speaker 1: and it's not about your ego. So I always ask

772
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:29,080
Speaker 1: parents to think about boundaries in two ways. Is it

773
00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:32,479
Speaker 1: an ego affirming boundary, such as you have to play

774
00:45:32,520 --> 00:45:36,000
Speaker 1: your piano for six hours a day, that's ego affirming

775
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:39,479
Speaker 1: because if it wasn't ego affirming, everyone would be needing

776
00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:42,200
Speaker 1: to play the piano all across the globe. It's obviously

777
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:45,960
Speaker 1: not developmentally necessary. It's your ego that's pushing your kid

778
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:50,160
Speaker 1: to play the piano. Versus what you're doing, which is connectivity,

779
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:54,759
Speaker 1: enhancing connection and bondedness in a family that is life affirming.

780
00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:57,440
Speaker 1: So I always ask parents to step back, especially if

781
00:45:57,440 --> 00:46:00,560
Speaker 1: they're having conflict with their kid, and ask themselves, am

782
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:03,160
Speaker 1: I imposing this on my kid out of my ego,

783
00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:06,480
Speaker 1: which is most likely the case, or is it truly

784
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:10,319
Speaker 1: a life affirming principle that I'm trying to institute. And

785
00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:13,239
Speaker 1: even in the life affirming principle, you know, how do

786
00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:15,920
Speaker 1: I go about it that allows their needs to be

787
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:18,799
Speaker 1: met as well? And we negotiate that. You know. Now,

788
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:22,759
Speaker 1: screens I look at it as the plague. So the screens,

789
00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:25,360
Speaker 1: it shouldn't even be a parenting issue. They have become

790
00:46:25,400 --> 00:46:28,440
Speaker 1: a modern day parenting issue because of the mobility of

791
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:31,120
Speaker 1: screens that every kid has it in their pocket. I

792
00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:33,200
Speaker 1: love the TV. Now, I wish we could go back

793
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:35,719
Speaker 1: to our complaints about the TV. At least the TV

794
00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:37,840
Speaker 1: didn't talk, walk and go in the carver. I know,

795
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:40,719
Speaker 1: I know, but here's the thing about that again, talking

796
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:45,520
Speaker 1: about the evolutionary process of humanity, of technology, of everything. Okay,

797
00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:48,880
Speaker 1: the devolution though this is devolution, fine, the devolution, however

798
00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:50,719
Speaker 1: we want to say it but you're saying we wish

799
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:54,319
Speaker 1: for TVs then, but when we had time, I'm just saying,

800
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:55,840
Speaker 1: I know, I know. What I'm saying is when we

801
00:46:55,920 --> 00:46:59,480
Speaker 1: had TVs then we were wishing for the radio. So

802
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: in years, when all the kids are on AI, we're

803
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:06,719
Speaker 1: gonna wish for iPods. I'll tell you this progress which

804
00:47:06,800 --> 00:47:09,000
Speaker 1: was the TV, and this progress which is the train

805
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:12,400
Speaker 1: and the airplane, which allows for connectivity, and then it

806
00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:14,760
Speaker 1: goes to a tipping point, to a point of no return,

807
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:18,120
Speaker 1: which I believe we're heading toward where it is devolution

808
00:47:18,280 --> 00:47:21,799
Speaker 1: because it's taking us away from human interaction. The TV

809
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:23,879
Speaker 1: did a good job doing that, and now we're going

810
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:27,239
Speaker 1: further and further away where people are becoming more encapsulated

811
00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:30,560
Speaker 1: in the isolated, insular little bubbles and they've forgotten how

812
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,440
Speaker 1: to have human interaction. Now you have the increase of depression,

813
00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:38,120
Speaker 1: you have suicide, social isolation. Yes, I totally agree with you,

814
00:47:38,160 --> 00:47:40,960
Speaker 1: but there is another There is another factor with this though.

815
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:44,360
Speaker 1: There is an increase of communication. Albeit it's maybe not

816
00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:49,120
Speaker 1: in person, but these kids are communicating through text and FaceTime,

817
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:52,759
Speaker 1: and there's different ways of communicating. My kids, you know,

818
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:54,800
Speaker 1: they used to play Fortnite. They're not into it anymore.

819
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,800
Speaker 1: Now they play Minecraft. What's happening with these video games

820
00:47:57,800 --> 00:48:00,880
Speaker 1: now too, is it's creating these online communit unities. I

821
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:04,480
Speaker 1: watch my kids deal with Minecraft, and it's like four

822
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:08,360
Speaker 1: or five of them all talking and building something. They're laughing,

823
00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:12,680
Speaker 1: they're having fun together. You know, there is something to

824
00:48:12,800 --> 00:48:16,640
Speaker 1: be said for that as well, you know, not the

825
00:48:16,719 --> 00:48:19,520
Speaker 1: mindless shooting video games. But so, you know, I see

826
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:22,360
Speaker 1: it happen, right, I see these kids connect through this.

827
00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:25,239
Speaker 1: This is where Oliver and I have different parentings. So

828
00:48:25,280 --> 00:48:27,840
Speaker 1: I was like, am I hardly let my kids play

829
00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:31,120
Speaker 1: any video games? And it's not about like I let

830
00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:33,640
Speaker 1: them play, but it's just it's like a certain amount

831
00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:36,480
Speaker 1: of time. My thing is, it's just the brain. It's

832
00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:38,960
Speaker 1: just about the optic nerve. It's the brain. It's what

833
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,400
Speaker 1: it does to the brain. It's what it's creating. And

834
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:44,600
Speaker 1: we know what this is. The research talks about it.

835
00:48:44,600 --> 00:48:48,319
Speaker 1: It's just not great for a developing brain. It's good

836
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:50,120
Speaker 1: to exercise it for them to know it and have

837
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:54,200
Speaker 1: fun doing it. Just balance, it's all balance. It's balance,

838
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:57,200
Speaker 1: it's balancing it all. You know. My kids are out

839
00:48:57,239 --> 00:48:59,920
Speaker 1: on mountain bikes, jumping thirty feet in the air and camping,

840
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:03,479
Speaker 1: and they're also on their screens, you know, And there's

841
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:06,320
Speaker 1: a balance there, right right. I agree that you cannot

842
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:09,600
Speaker 1: fight what's happening because this is our children's new world.

843
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:13,000
Speaker 1: But to a certain degree, especially with kids under the

844
00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:16,920
Speaker 1: age of thirteen, the more we can introduce human to

845
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:21,200
Speaker 1: human connection and bonding, it will create a foundation, and

846
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:23,719
Speaker 1: then they can be released into this AI world, which

847
00:49:23,719 --> 00:49:27,120
Speaker 1: they're going to ineviatively be released into. But the more

848
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:30,439
Speaker 1: we can give them as a foundation, they will be

849
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:35,040
Speaker 1: more emotionally sturdy, more emotionally connected because of that. The

850
00:49:35,080 --> 00:49:39,839
Speaker 1: thing that I just wrestle with, honestly, doctor, is that

851
00:49:40,800 --> 00:49:44,200
Speaker 1: these kids, kids across the kids that I know that

852
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:47,839
Speaker 1: are raised in all different ways, and some of them

853
00:49:47,880 --> 00:49:50,520
Speaker 1: are great kids and some of them aren't great kids.

854
00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:55,040
Speaker 1: Everyone is so unique in their personalities and who they are.

855
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:58,480
Speaker 1: We can't raise them all the same. All three of

856
00:49:58,480 --> 00:50:02,240
Speaker 1: my kids are totally different, you know, And there's ways

857
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:05,200
Speaker 1: in you there's an instinctual thing that comes, you know,

858
00:50:05,239 --> 00:50:08,080
Speaker 1: for me, and you do it differently with each one.

859
00:50:08,160 --> 00:50:11,080
Speaker 1: And as I was saying in the beginning, we raise

860
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:15,279
Speaker 1: our kids differently. You know, I let them watch things.

861
00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:17,560
Speaker 1: I when I was a smoke or I smoked in

862
00:50:17,600 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 1: front of them. I was like, this is my life,

863
00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:22,279
Speaker 1: you guys. I'm not going to hide anything from you.

864
00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:25,280
Speaker 1: Do I smoke and it's horrible. Yeah, but I'm an adult.

865
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:27,880
Speaker 1: I can do whatever I want, and I don't. I

866
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:30,080
Speaker 1: don't you know. I'm not saying that you should do this.

867
00:50:30,200 --> 00:50:34,120
Speaker 1: It's disgusting, but I'm not gonna sit there and sneak cigarettes.

868
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:36,239
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have drinks in front of you guys. This

869
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:38,960
Speaker 1: is who I am. You know what I mean. And

870
00:50:39,000 --> 00:50:40,879
Speaker 1: that's the way that I do things. As far as

871
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:44,680
Speaker 1: movies go, PG thirteen or R rated movies, I don't care.

872
00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:47,960
Speaker 1: You know I curse in front of my children. My

873
00:50:48,120 --> 00:50:52,440
Speaker 1: children do not curse. I mean they're I don't know.

874
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:55,959
Speaker 1: We should probably have a couple of sings. No, I'm

875
00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:59,840
Speaker 1: just saying, no, no, no, no, I it's a beautiful,

876
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:05,359
Speaker 1: amazing children. No. I prefer. I prefer transparency to hypocrisy

877
00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:08,759
Speaker 1: any day. So I have no disagreement with I'm not

878
00:51:08,800 --> 00:51:11,160
Speaker 1: sanctimonious at all. Do what you need to do. That's

879
00:51:11,160 --> 00:51:13,840
Speaker 1: why I say, because every kid is different, there's no

880
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:17,000
Speaker 1: strategy to parent. The only strategy you have is to

881
00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:19,680
Speaker 1: become conscious of who you want to be in the world.

882
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:22,200
Speaker 1: And the more conscious you become, the kids can do

883
00:51:22,239 --> 00:51:24,560
Speaker 1: what they want with it. The kids are not the

884
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:26,920
Speaker 1: byproduct of you. The kids are going to be the

885
00:51:26,920 --> 00:51:30,360
Speaker 1: byproduct of what they pick up, dependent on their own personalities.

886
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:32,480
Speaker 1: So don't control what they pick up or not. You

887
00:51:32,560 --> 00:51:34,520
Speaker 1: never know what they're going to pick up. What about

888
00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:36,879
Speaker 1: you just have to do you consciously? What about going

889
00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 1: against that? Meaning Like our dad left when I was

890
00:51:40,239 --> 00:51:44,640
Speaker 1: when we were young, you know, his dad, my grandfather

891
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:47,200
Speaker 1: left our dad in the middle of the night when

892
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:49,239
Speaker 1: my dad was five years old. So there was a

893
00:51:49,239 --> 00:51:52,600
Speaker 1: pattern that was existing. I, as a young man who

894
00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:54,920
Speaker 1: made a conscious decision. I was like, I do not

895
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:58,240
Speaker 1: want to be that person, you know, and I railed

896
00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:01,480
Speaker 1: against it. Rather than this past sort of overtaking me,

897
00:52:01,680 --> 00:52:05,200
Speaker 1: I went the other way with it, you know. Yeah,

898
00:52:05,200 --> 00:52:10,160
Speaker 1: But again, you know, if you revolt against a negative pattern,

899
00:52:10,239 --> 00:52:12,840
Speaker 1: it appears like a good thing. Right, You're revolting against

900
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:16,600
Speaker 1: the abandonment your father subjugated to you too. But the

901
00:52:16,760 --> 00:52:19,719
Speaker 1: point is not to revolt it just out of a revolution.

902
00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:22,759
Speaker 1: The point is to truly make authentic choices for your

903
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:24,759
Speaker 1: own life. What if in the future, not you, but

904
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:28,160
Speaker 1: another person like you came to a choice point that

905
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:31,440
Speaker 1: they had to leave their marriage, but they didn't have

906
00:52:31,480 --> 00:52:34,160
Speaker 1: to leave their child. That's okay, too, right. You do

907
00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:37,960
Speaker 1: it as consciously and authentically you find your own truth,

908
00:52:38,040 --> 00:52:40,080
Speaker 1: you know, and that's the point of life. Is your

909
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:42,520
Speaker 1: father seemed I don't know about your father, but his

910
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:44,120
Speaker 1: father if he left in the middle of the night,

911
00:52:44,200 --> 00:52:47,520
Speaker 1: he obviously was tormented or tortured that he had to

912
00:52:47,600 --> 00:52:50,560
Speaker 1: leave in such a drastic way. Your decision is to

913
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:53,200
Speaker 1: be involved in your children's life, no matter what the

914
00:52:53,239 --> 00:52:57,040
Speaker 1: surrounding circumstances look like. You'll always be there for your children.

915
00:52:57,239 --> 00:52:59,399
Speaker 1: But you're not doing it out of a revolution. You're

916
00:52:59,400 --> 00:53:03,000
Speaker 1: doing it out of an authentic coming to your own desire. Right,

917
00:53:03,200 --> 00:53:05,479
Speaker 1: and that's what we want. What has been the most

918
00:53:05,480 --> 00:53:08,960
Speaker 1: rewarding part of your work to date? My work is

919
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:11,640
Speaker 1: a calling and I'm excited every day to do it.

920
00:53:11,680 --> 00:53:15,200
Speaker 1: I think the great most gratification comes when I hear

921
00:53:15,320 --> 00:53:18,920
Speaker 1: a parent tell me how they have a better connection

922
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:21,640
Speaker 1: with their children, how I freed them from their anxieties,

923
00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:24,520
Speaker 1: how they're living more authentically. When women come and tell

924
00:53:24,560 --> 00:53:27,880
Speaker 1: me that they've released themselves from the enslavement of their past.

925
00:53:27,920 --> 00:53:29,879
Speaker 1: How men come and tell me that they're living more

926
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:33,920
Speaker 1: vulnerable and transparent lives. You know. The gratification from seeing

927
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:37,560
Speaker 1: people palpably change their lives, you know, and you're an

928
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:41,920
Speaker 1: instrument in that in some way is so it's addictive,

929
00:53:42,600 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 1: an addict to it, and not for the gratification, but

930
00:53:46,160 --> 00:53:49,120
Speaker 1: for the real Like, come on, let's transform, Let's help

931
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:52,480
Speaker 1: you alleviate your suffering. What a great joy I have

932
00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:56,400
Speaker 1: to be a witness to people's unfolding. I'm so grateful

933
00:53:56,480 --> 00:53:59,719
Speaker 1: that you're exposing my work in this way and I

934
00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:01,840
Speaker 1: get to touch people's lives and they allow me to

935
00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:03,920
Speaker 1: enter their hearts. I mean, I don't take it lightly.

936
00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:08,080
Speaker 1: I take it as a very serious, passion filled mission

937
00:54:08,200 --> 00:54:11,680
Speaker 1: that I will rise to every day. And the best

938
00:54:11,719 --> 00:54:13,279
Speaker 1: way I can rise to it is by doing my

939
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:15,120
Speaker 1: own work and killing my own craft. Well, I was

940
00:54:15,120 --> 00:54:18,080
Speaker 1: about to ask you, what are some of your greatest

941
00:54:18,120 --> 00:54:20,640
Speaker 1: struggles as a human. You know that you deal with

942
00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:23,880
Speaker 1: every day that if you could snatch. I think my

943
00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:28,120
Speaker 1: greatest struggle has been this whole deconditioning as an Indian woman.

944
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:34,480
Speaker 1: I really was, was enslaved by this legacy of being

945
00:54:34,520 --> 00:54:40,400
Speaker 1: this perfect Indian giver and Indian giver, but caregiver and nurture.

946
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:45,080
Speaker 1: And at the end of the day, I didn't give anything,

947
00:54:45,120 --> 00:54:48,080
Speaker 1: you know, because I was. I was so depleted, and

948
00:54:48,360 --> 00:54:51,839
Speaker 1: that stereotype of being this perfect woman, that woman who

949
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:58,800
Speaker 1: was always giving, really you know, paralyze me. And working

950
00:54:58,880 --> 00:55:01,680
Speaker 1: through that, all those conditionings of what it meant to

951
00:55:01,680 --> 00:55:04,440
Speaker 1: be a woman, an Indian woman, and arriving at my

952
00:55:04,520 --> 00:55:07,960
Speaker 1: freedom and my own worth and now being you know,

953
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:11,600
Speaker 1: my own autonomous being has been my journey and what

954
00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:14,120
Speaker 1: I hope to have given to my daughter as her

955
00:55:14,200 --> 00:55:17,120
Speaker 1: legacy that she doesn't have to be, you know, enslaved

956
00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:20,520
Speaker 1: by the patriarchal mission that I was enslaved by, and

957
00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:23,520
Speaker 1: I hope I've freed her to be this woman of

958
00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:28,840
Speaker 1: today's error. That's great, amazing. Authenticity is like hot right now.

959
00:55:29,360 --> 00:55:32,920
Speaker 1: The word is hot. The whole sort of theme of

960
00:55:32,920 --> 00:55:36,360
Speaker 1: being authentic, you hear, It's like a buzzword now, you know.

961
00:55:37,600 --> 00:55:40,480
Speaker 1: And of course at Hoffman it was about finding your

962
00:55:40,520 --> 00:55:49,120
Speaker 1: authentic self. Is everyone's authentic self beautiful or some can authentic?

963
00:55:49,360 --> 00:55:53,439
Speaker 1: Can your authenticity be an asshole, you know what I mean. Yeah,

964
00:55:53,560 --> 00:55:56,399
Speaker 1: So there's a difference between you know, people often think

965
00:55:56,480 --> 00:55:59,920
Speaker 1: being authentic means to just say whatever comes in your mind,

966
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:04,000
Speaker 1: and you know, just being honest. I was honest. I

967
00:56:04,040 --> 00:56:06,239
Speaker 1: told her she's stunk. I was honest. I told her

968
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:08,480
Speaker 1: she was a fat pig. I was honest that I

969
00:56:08,520 --> 00:56:11,560
Speaker 1: was just being authentic. No, you were being unconscious because

970
00:56:11,600 --> 00:56:15,399
Speaker 1: authenticity is always in context. You know, you're always very

971
00:56:15,440 --> 00:56:19,200
Speaker 1: aware of who you're speaking with their developmental capacity. So

972
00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:22,680
Speaker 1: authenticity comes with a high level of discernment to your context,

973
00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:25,200
Speaker 1: you know, and that's why it takes work. So it's

974
00:56:25,239 --> 00:56:28,200
Speaker 1: a buzzword. It's being thrown around like manifestation and all

975
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:31,240
Speaker 1: these other buzzwords of today's world, and they're all empty

976
00:56:31,239 --> 00:56:32,759
Speaker 1: at the end of the day if they don't come.

977
00:56:32,800 --> 00:56:36,120
Speaker 1: But deep in her alignment, awesome, that's so great. It's

978
00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:41,520
Speaker 1: so true authenticity. You have to contextualize authenticity, Yeah, for sure,

979
00:56:41,600 --> 00:56:43,759
Speaker 1: because it's so true, because you're right. So many people

980
00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:46,239
Speaker 1: like I'm authentic and they're just dicks, and like, that's

981
00:56:46,280 --> 00:56:51,640
Speaker 1: not authenticity. So it's a euphemism. It's a euphemism for

982
00:56:51,719 --> 00:56:55,719
Speaker 1: really bad behavior. What are you looking forward to in

983
00:56:55,760 --> 00:57:00,520
Speaker 1: your life right now, well, to write my books. I'm

984
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:04,400
Speaker 1: currently writing a book on the Awakened Woman, So that's

985
00:57:04,560 --> 00:57:07,000
Speaker 1: fabulous for me to be able to spread that message

986
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:12,840
Speaker 1: and help women come out of their unconscious civility to

987
00:57:13,040 --> 00:57:16,160
Speaker 1: the good label, to the label of good, and to

988
00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:18,760
Speaker 1: break free from that. And I think, you know, just

989
00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:22,840
Speaker 1: finding ways to teach more. But I've learned not to

990
00:57:22,880 --> 00:57:26,080
Speaker 1: be restless anymore. And I've learned to leave the state

991
00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:29,680
Speaker 1: of craving behind that I had in my thirties and

992
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:33,640
Speaker 1: to now just receive beautifully, to show up fully, and

993
00:57:33,760 --> 00:57:37,240
Speaker 1: to challenge myself in different artistic ways. You know, I

994
00:57:37,280 --> 00:57:41,640
Speaker 1: think Doctorship Fallow and I should be best friends. I

995
00:57:41,640 --> 00:57:45,560
Speaker 1: think I feel like I feel a real friendship happening

996
00:57:45,640 --> 00:57:48,080
Speaker 1: right now. I feel like I want to be a therapist.

997
00:57:48,680 --> 00:57:51,200
Speaker 1: I can I be a therapist and not go to

998
00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:53,480
Speaker 1: school for it because I'm not good in school. This

999
00:57:53,560 --> 00:57:55,520
Speaker 1: has been we can talk to you for I've got

1000
00:57:55,600 --> 00:57:58,920
Speaker 1: so many I'm so grateful that you came on our

1001
00:57:58,920 --> 00:58:02,440
Speaker 1: podcast and you're just I'm so grateful, Yes, thank you

1002
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:06,920
Speaker 1: so much. If you could give a parent one piece

1003
00:58:07,080 --> 00:58:10,880
Speaker 1: of advice, what would that advice be? If you just

1004
00:58:11,360 --> 00:58:13,720
Speaker 1: literally only had one thing to be able to say

1005
00:58:13,720 --> 00:58:17,640
Speaker 1: to a parent that every trigger you experience with your

1006
00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:21,840
Speaker 1: child is really an inner trigger. It's a triggering of

1007
00:58:21,880 --> 00:58:24,360
Speaker 1: your own inner wound. It has nothing to do with

1008
00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:28,600
Speaker 1: your child. Therefore, there is no bad child. All the

1009
00:58:28,640 --> 00:58:31,440
Speaker 1: badness you're projecting onto them is coming from your own

1010
00:58:31,480 --> 00:58:33,920
Speaker 1: inner sense of badness. And the reason why I say

1011
00:58:34,000 --> 00:58:36,400
Speaker 1: this is the nugget because I see so many children

1012
00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:39,440
Speaker 1: being destroyed by parents who believe they're bad, you know,

1013
00:58:39,880 --> 00:58:44,600
Speaker 1: And there are no bad children. It's just broken parents. Yeah,

1014
00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:50,360
Speaker 1: thank you, Thank you, guys. Sibling Revelry is executive groups

1015
00:58:50,400 --> 00:58:54,360
Speaker 1: by Kate Hudson, Alra Hudson and Simsarna. Supervising producer is

1016
00:58:54,400 --> 00:58:59,160
Speaker 1: Alison Presnik. Editor is Josh Wendish. Music by Mark Hudson

1017
00:58:59,520 --> 00:59:01,200
Speaker 1: aka a Uncle Mark