WEBVTT - No. 72: Self-Accountability + How To Live Unafraid To Take Responsibility for Our Actions. PART ONE. 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:03.279 Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts, 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:09.319 so oper erusing Jazzmine Sullivan's Internet. I happened to come 0:00:09.360 --> 0:00:15.160 across something that made me smile, and when I read it, 0:00:15.240 --> 0:00:19.880 I said out loud, yes, bitch, it garnered that kind 0:00:19.920 --> 0:00:22.360 of response when I read it. Let me share it 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:26.080 with you. May your success offend the shit out of 0:00:26.160 --> 0:00:30.639 anyone who didn't want to see you win. I pray 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:33.400 that for you, my friends, and kin, I pray that 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:37.599 for me. And whatever you're drinking, Raise your glass. I'm 0:00:37.600 --> 0:00:42.760 gonna raise mine, and let's cheers to it. To our 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:46.720 success offending the shit out of anyone who does not 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:47.800 want to see us win. 0:00:48.520 --> 0:01:09.280 Cheers. 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:14.440 I can't see the bad. Okay, what's up, y'all? Welcome 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:17.839 to Hanmy My Purse, the podcast. I am Mimi Walker, 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:20.760 and I will be your forever host, each and every 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:24.640 single time you tune into this podcast, So friends, go 0:01:24.680 --> 0:01:29.160 ahead and get comfortable. Get yourself a glass of your 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:35.080 favorite beverage, whether that is ice cold, sparkling water with 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:39.320 the freshly squeezed juice of an orange, a root beer float, 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:43.839 or a glass of peano and noir chilled. Because there's 0:01:43.920 --> 0:01:47.880 nothing wrong with drinking your red wine chilled, contrary to 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:52.120 popular belief. And I have spoken to a somalier about 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:56.280 that and they said that you can absolutely drink red 0:01:56.280 --> 0:02:01.280 wine chilled. How does he know, he said, because in 0:02:01.400 --> 0:02:05.560 Italy when they store wine, it's stored underground in the 0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:09.160 oak barrels, and it's about fifty to sixty five degrees 0:02:09.240 --> 0:02:12.320 under there, which is chilled. So go for it. I'm 0:02:12.320 --> 0:02:14.720 not saying it has to be frozen, but I will 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:17.680 say if you want to drink it frozen, do that. 0:02:18.040 --> 0:02:21.480 Because it's your wine, you paid for it. You can 0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:25.040 do what you want with it. And don't let excuse me, 0:02:25.639 --> 0:02:29.360 don't let any snooty boots tell you that you can't 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:31.359 have your wine. Child. If that's how you want it, 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:35.760 go ahead and light yourself as a candle some incense, 0:02:35.840 --> 0:02:38.120 or burn yourself some stage, and just get ready to 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:50.800 chill out and have a good time. What's up, friends, 0:02:50.800 --> 0:02:53.359 and ken, It's me me, Resident Auntie Supreme. Here at 0:02:53.760 --> 0:02:57.440 hand me my purse, and today I am sipping on 0:02:57.960 --> 0:03:03.880 some hot medicinal tea. I am having a combo of 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:08.800 tea here, and that is metabolism burning tea. I can't 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:12.360 think of the brand, but it's the ones in those 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:17.440 ten cylindrical jars or containers. They cost like twelve dollars 0:03:17.480 --> 0:03:20.600 a pop. But I have a medicinal I mean a 0:03:20.600 --> 0:03:23.680 metabolism burning tea which has some herbs in it. It's 0:03:23.720 --> 0:03:26.000 not a fat burner or it doesn't have any chemicals 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:28.639 or anything like, well, not chemicals because this isn't a 0:03:28.720 --> 0:03:31.320 chemical It's not like a Garcinia cambojia kind of tea. 0:03:31.880 --> 0:03:36.680 It just has like cinnamon and you know, herbs. I'm 0:03:36.720 --> 0:03:42.000 having also with that Ashuagonda tea and a sugar detox 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:45.200 tea that I got from the Asian Market or h Mart. 0:03:45.400 --> 0:03:47.880 I put all three tea bags in with about thirteen 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:51.320 ounces of water, some lemon, and some honey. I'm gonna 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:52.880 have a long day to day, so I'm trying to 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:56.720 slow roll into my day, starting it off intentionally with 0:03:56.800 --> 0:04:03.880 some hot tea and some intentions on medicinal benefits. Today's 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:13.600 going to be a good day. I believe that. Oh yeah, 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:17.799 Ends and Ken. For today's jam, I chose a song 0:04:18.640 --> 0:04:21.200 that I love since the first time I heard it. 0:04:21.200 --> 0:04:24.400 It's a very funky song and I think I learned it. 0:04:24.440 --> 0:04:28.240 I'm not familiar, but I'm almost positive that I found 0:04:28.279 --> 0:04:33.480 out about this artist via Lenny Kravitz. I think the 0:04:33.600 --> 0:04:37.200 artist's name is Nico Costa, and the song is called 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:40.919 Like a Feather and a little bit about Nico Costa. 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:44.960 She was born. Got this from the wikipedes. She was 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:48.640 born on June fourth in nineteen seventy two in Tokyo, Japan. 0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:54.040 Her parents are Italian Americans, and she was musically inspired 0:04:54.040 --> 0:04:58.280 from childhood. She was surrounded oftentimes by famous and talented 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:01.400 artists as she traveled the with her father, who was 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:06.080 a well known producer and musician named Don Costa, who 0:05:06.160 --> 0:05:10.880 worked on several hit albums by Frank Sinatra, including Sinatra 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:15.200 and Strings in My Way. My Way being extremely well known, 0:05:15.960 --> 0:05:19.800 so she was already surrounded by musical excellence just by 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:22.520 being born. And so I remember when I heard this song, 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:24.200 I went to find even more of her music and 0:05:24.240 --> 0:05:26.880 fell in love with this song, of course, Like a 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:29.920 Feather and her other big hit Everybody Got There Something. 0:05:30.000 --> 0:05:32.960 Oftentimes I wonder where she went, but I didn't do 0:05:33.000 --> 0:05:36.200 a lot of looking into it. Everybody Got There Something 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:40.679 was the album's title track that came out the album 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:42.800 I think came out in like the early two thousands. 0:05:43.040 --> 0:05:46.840 Let's go ahead and listen to the song. It's so funky. 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:49.120 The first time I heard it, I'm not even gonna lie. 0:05:50.279 --> 0:05:52.200 I definitely thought she was a sister the first time 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:55.599 I heard it. Absolutely, And then when you saw her, 0:05:55.680 --> 0:05:58.520 you're like, oh you Tinama read me. You definitely Teenuma 0:05:58.600 --> 0:06:01.640 read me. But she is, She's not Tina Marie. Let's 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:07.200 be very clear. There is nobody on earth, nobody on 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:11.200 earth that is gonna even no white woman will ever 0:06:12.279 --> 0:06:16.239 ever come close to being Auntie Tina. Never, Tina Marie 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:19.320 is the queen. Just to be clear, Let's go ahead 0:06:19.320 --> 0:06:21.560 and listen to this song. Hella that. 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:24.320 Ella. 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:30.520 You'll agree, you. 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:45.200 Agreed, Okay, So what did you think? What did you think? 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:48.440 Because I love this song. It's so funky, like the 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:50.680 way it starts out the music alone, let you know 0:06:50.760 --> 0:06:52.800 on the front end, this is about to be a 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:55.120 funky kind of vibe. I love her voice. I love 0:06:55.160 --> 0:06:59.200 how she sings on the song. Her voice is super eccentric. 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:03.680 Like I said, there's some connection to Lenny Kravitz. I mean, 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:06.200 you know they were probably booking, like let's just be 0:07:06.800 --> 0:07:09.880 let's just be real. They were probably booking back then. 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:12.160 And when I say booking, for you guys that are new, 0:07:12.520 --> 0:07:18.720 booking means doing grown up things when you're naked. Okay, booking, 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:21.920 I don't want to say that word, not because I 0:07:21.920 --> 0:07:23.720 don't want to cuss. I just prefer to say booking. 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:25.880 I like the way it sounds. They were probably booking 0:07:25.880 --> 0:07:28.920 because you know, Lenny Kravitz is that dude, And when 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:32.320 you watch the video, you will feel like the Lenny 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:36.760 Kravitz energy, you'll feel it. I can tell that he 0:07:36.920 --> 0:07:41.120 definitely influenced her. The album came out, like I said, 0:07:41.120 --> 0:07:42.920 in the early two thousands, actually came out in two 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:45.480 thousand and I still listen to this song because it's 0:07:45.480 --> 0:07:48.200 a gem. Like I said, as usual, I'm gonna put 0:07:48.200 --> 0:07:49.840 the link in the show notes for you, So check 0:07:49.880 --> 0:07:54.920 out the song, check out her other songs, but definitely 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:59.000 check out everybody Got There Something. So let's go ahead. 0:07:59.000 --> 0:08:00.360 You know what time it is, Let's go and get 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:22.680 this poorty story. So today, friends and kin, we're going 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:25.200 to talk about something that in general, I feel like 0:08:26.120 --> 0:08:29.880 human beings are just not really into doing. Like it's bad, 0:08:30.280 --> 0:08:33.920 like it's not really their jam. And I'm not sure 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:37.200 why it has folks in such a stranglehold, but it 0:08:37.200 --> 0:08:40.200 seems to give people the heb gbs because they avoided 0:08:40.280 --> 0:08:45.840 like it's the plague. And I'm talking about self accountability. 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:52.160 Oh yeah. It is one thing to hold other people accountable, 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:55.640 you know, people never have a problem with that telling 0:08:55.720 --> 0:08:58.679 somebody else what they should do, what they shouldn't do, 0:08:59.520 --> 0:09:02.400 and that they need to own their behavior and their 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:07.360 actions and their choices. But it's totally different when you're 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:11.240 holding yourself accountable. That's some serious shit that requires a 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:16.440 certain level of self awareness and maturity and babe. 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:18.920 All enabled, what in the world is that? 0:09:20.040 --> 0:09:24.960 Self accountability means taking responsibility for your actions, your behaviors, 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:29.559 your choices without blaming other people. It means that you're 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:34.960 fulfilling your obligations, your tasks, your goals, and you know, 0:09:35.120 --> 0:09:38.360 just living in your truth without excuses. And when you 0:09:38.400 --> 0:09:42.600 are personally accountable, you take ownership of what happens as 0:09:42.640 --> 0:09:46.720 a result of your actions and your choices and fulfilling 0:09:46.720 --> 0:09:52.000 your obligations or assumed obligations. You don't blame other people, 0:09:52.080 --> 0:09:56.160 you don't create justifications, you don't defend or even feel 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:59.640 the need to make a case for your choices and behaviors, 0:09:59.679 --> 0:10:02.280 and a day to this, you make sure to do 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:05.600 whatever it is you can to atone for when things 0:10:05.640 --> 0:10:10.400 don't necessarily go the way you may have anticipated. Nothing 0:10:10.480 --> 0:10:13.840 is worse than when someone does not hold their weight 0:10:14.840 --> 0:10:17.120 or does not do something that they were supposed to do, 0:10:17.960 --> 0:10:21.040 and then they come at you directly with all of 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:24.199 the excuses, all of the reasons, all of the blah 0:10:24.200 --> 0:10:27.320 blah blah about why they didn't do what they were 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:31.000 supposed to do or why they didn't show up as 0:10:31.440 --> 0:10:35.200 they were expected to show up, or they'll try to 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:39.120 downplay their role in the situation. No, my friend, nope, 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:44.240 you did it. You were wrong, you didn't show up 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:45.840 the way you said you would or the way you 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:52.840 were supposed to, and it's okay. It is it is, though, Wait, 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:57.320 hold up. Something is worse worse than that, for me 0:10:57.520 --> 0:10:59.560 is when people try to turn the conversation of the 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:03.760 situation around and say something absolutely insane like well, you 0:11:03.800 --> 0:11:07.520 didn't do blah blah blah blah, or well you did 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:10.200 it before. It was okay when you did it, All right, idiot, 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:13.160 that's fine, I did it, And that's not me deflecting, 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:16.160 you know, me not taking accountability. But the truth of 0:11:16.160 --> 0:11:18.760 the matter is that dumb, dumb, we're not talking about 0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:21.880 me or what I did right now. We're talking about you. 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:24.920 Right now. It's your turn. If you felt a way 0:11:24.960 --> 0:11:28.559 about what I did when I did not show up 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:31.760 or I didn't do something, you should have held me accountable, 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:35.080 right or we could have had a conversation about that. 0:11:35.120 --> 0:11:38.080 But right now it is about you in this moment. 0:11:38.760 --> 0:11:43.440 That is something that I absolutely hate. I do not 0:11:43.679 --> 0:11:48.720 like it. Own your shit, Just own your stuff. That's it. 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:51.520 It's not the end of the world to make a 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:55.480 mistake or to not get life right all the time, 0:11:56.120 --> 0:12:00.600 like it's normal. We are human beings. But the true 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:04.040 mark of maturity is being able to say, you know what, 0:12:04.360 --> 0:12:07.600 I didn't get it right this time. I didn't show 0:12:07.679 --> 0:12:11.720 up the way I was supposed to. I'm not owning 0:12:12.280 --> 0:12:16.720 my choices or you know, my behaviors. You're right, it's 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:20.440 so hard to say that, and we just have to 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:23.640 get to a place where we're able to say, I'm 0:12:23.640 --> 0:12:25.960 going to work on doing a better job at doing 0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:28.680 whatever it is the thing that we should be doing, 0:12:28.760 --> 0:12:31.880 whatever it is, and then of course actually doing the 0:12:31.920 --> 0:12:36.280 work to do the thing and to be better right 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:42.240 makes sense home with me? Ya cool? So some of 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:45.960 this kind of stuff I personally like, I attribute it 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:52.839 to certain cultural norms in like our community. And when 0:12:52.880 --> 0:12:56.800 I say, ah, I'm speaking about the Black community. Now, 0:12:56.840 --> 0:12:58.880 I don't get me wrong. Some of this is going 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:03.040 to overlap into other communities. I am positive, but for 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:06.960 this instance, I'm kind of speaking about us. You know 0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:09.360 the rule here. You know how I feel about this, 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:13.040 Like I may not, or I may be speaking about 0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:15.600 the black community community, or I may be talking about 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:20.040 my lived and shared experiences. But everybody can get this 0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:24.360 work because every and anybody can be can relate to 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:28.560 something that I say, because trust me, black people don't 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:33.599 hold the rights to all lack of a self accountability, 0:13:33.720 --> 0:13:38.120 trust me, and living in America, I'm sure we know 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:42.000 that we don't own that. So let's move forward, all right, 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:45.520 Let's go ahead and get into it. So oftentimes there 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:49.600 is a lot of pressure in our community to be perfect, 0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:53.440 or to be great, or to be excellent, or to 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:56.960 do better than the generations before us, or to do 0:13:57.000 --> 0:14:01.439 any and everything to make your family proud, your community proud. 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:05.040 And there's nothing wrong with those things. Like those things. 0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:07.679 You always want to be better or strive to be 0:14:07.679 --> 0:14:11.160 better than the generation before you. The generation before you 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:14.400 want that for the generations that come after them. Nothing 0:14:14.440 --> 0:14:19.040 is wrong with that. But sometimes the push or the 0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:22.560 pressure to be perfect in a community setting or in 0:14:22.560 --> 0:14:23.960 a group setting. 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:25.840 Is so. 0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:32.680 Heavy, The push is so strong that we don't realize 0:14:32.720 --> 0:14:38.640 that we have subconsciously stigmatized making mistakes or for excuse me, 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:45.120 us to experience failure, when in fact, failure is essential 0:14:45.200 --> 0:14:48.160 for our growth. You know, it's a necessary part of 0:14:48.200 --> 0:14:53.800 our journey, and it's essential for the journey toward being 0:14:53.960 --> 0:14:57.040 your best self or being a better version of yourself, 0:14:57.320 --> 0:14:59.640 you know what I mean, or being a better version 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:04.280 of the generation then that came before you, right. Uh. 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:07.920 It makes me wonder sometimes if the collective goals and 0:15:08.040 --> 0:15:11.760 dreams that our community has for us are rooted in 0:15:11.880 --> 0:15:16.600 us being better individually or for our culture, or for 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:20.720 our community or for our people, which all of those 0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:24.160 things are fine, But the problem I think I have 0:15:24.360 --> 0:15:28.440 is that, or not the problem, but the things that 0:15:28.800 --> 0:15:31.520 the thing that makes me wonder or the wondering for 0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:35.080 me is that if the only focus is about being 0:15:35.120 --> 0:15:39.520 better for the community, that I think is where the 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:43.240 pressure comes in and you get what I'm saying, Like 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:50.000 I feel like maybe, yikes, let me just keep going 0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:51.760 because I think I think I can make it make sense, 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:57.720 Like is the focus that we be better people and 0:15:57.760 --> 0:16:02.480 be better as a human being of this world and 0:16:02.520 --> 0:16:06.560 in this world to add to the collective greatness or 0:16:07.840 --> 0:16:10.680 we don't really care. Just make sure you add to 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:13.600 the collective greatness, even if you aren't being the best 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:19.320 version of yourself that you aspire to be. Just make 0:16:19.320 --> 0:16:22.080 sure you're adding to the collective greatness. If that makes sense. 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:24.320 And for me, that shit is kind of heavy. It's 0:16:24.360 --> 0:16:28.960 a lot of burden to carry. It's a lot of pressure. 0:16:30.000 --> 0:16:32.960 It can cause a lot of anxiety. It can cause 0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:37.080 a lot of stress. It can cause people to not 0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:43.680 do what they want to do and to do what 0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:47.520 they don't want to do, which is a form in 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:53.080 my mind of internal warfare. And I think that doing 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:59.400 this or pushing this kind of agenda, and be very 0:16:59.440 --> 0:17:03.080 clear not in any way saying any way, shape or form, 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:06.560 saying that you should not be adding to the collective 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:09.600 greatness of your people, or of the group, or of 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:12.560 the organization, or of the whatever, of the family, of 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:15.440 the whatever. That's not what I'm saying. And if that's 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:20.280 what you're hearing, stop, get up, go breathe some fresh air, 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:22.520 and then come back, because that's not what I'm saying. 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:26.760 What I'm saying is that, in my mind, the emphasis 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:31.399 should be on the person or the people in the 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:35.480 collective being their best, being the best version of them, 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:38.520 so that in doing that they can add to the 0:17:38.520 --> 0:17:42.719 collective greatness. Because isn't that what we should want for people, 0:17:43.200 --> 0:17:47.160 For people to be them their best selves versus being 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:50.680 somebody else or being what we think they should be. 0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:53.879 You know, I just think that doing this puts an 0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:59.600 emphasis on shame, and shame is heavy and it seems 0:17:59.640 --> 0:18:02.760 like I may be speaking another language to some people. 0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:07.040 But follow me, if in your culture, community, family, circle, whatever, 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:09.720 the focus is solely on being great to add to 0:18:10.200 --> 0:18:12.959 the community, like I said, instead of being great so 0:18:13.000 --> 0:18:16.160 that you will end up being the best version of yourself, 0:18:16.520 --> 0:18:21.480 which adds to the community because you're happy and living 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:24.680 a life that you find joy in and living in 0:18:24.720 --> 0:18:31.200 your truth and focused on your greatness and not from 0:18:31.240 --> 0:18:33.040 a sense of I want to focus on me being 0:18:33.040 --> 0:18:35.960 great because I don't care about Excuse me, because I 0:18:35.960 --> 0:18:39.080 don't care about the collective, but focused on me being great, 0:18:39.119 --> 0:18:42.480 because when I am great, my collective is great. When 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:44.560 I am my best self, I can show up for 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:47.399 my collective, or I mean, I can show up for 0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:50.720 the collective or the community, or the organization or the 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:57.960 whatever in a better way because I am living in 0:18:58.000 --> 0:19:00.600 my truth and in the best way that I see 0:19:00.640 --> 0:19:05.199 fit for me and for the collective. And if we 0:19:05.240 --> 0:19:08.520 don't do that, there will be shame, and there will 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:10.560 be shame of not living up to the norms of 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:13.639 the community or circle or whatever that have been set 0:19:14.119 --> 0:19:17.199 which you oftentimes had no part in helping to create. 0:19:17.520 --> 0:19:22.919 You had no leg or no voice in helping to 0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:27.760 create those cultural or community norms. They're shame of not 0:19:27.840 --> 0:19:32.320 being good enough, their shame of public disgrace. And where 0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:39.280 there is shame, there is oftentimes guilt. Okay, please, And 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:43.800 I've said it before, guilt trauma is a bitch. It's 0:19:43.840 --> 0:19:46.760 a lot, and it will have you bound, and it 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:49.120 will have you trapped in a space where you don't 0:19:49.160 --> 0:19:51.440 feel like you will ever be able to live up 0:19:51.480 --> 0:19:55.439 to the expectations that are placed on you. And so 0:19:55.600 --> 0:19:59.320 rather than constantly striving for perfection, the focus should be 0:19:59.440 --> 0:20:03.000 on person growth and becoming the best version of yourself 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:07.240 with a growth mindset, and with a growth mindset that 0:20:07.400 --> 0:20:10.159 when I am my best, I am then able to 0:20:10.280 --> 0:20:13.320 add to the collective or the community, or the family, 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:17.480 or the organization or whatever it is, the circle, the village, 0:20:18.119 --> 0:20:21.240 whatever you want to color it, I'm able to add 0:20:21.280 --> 0:20:24.159 to it at my greatness to it, making it greater. 0:20:27.320 --> 0:20:32.440 I believe that staying true to our fundamental values and 0:20:32.520 --> 0:20:36.760 the core of who we truly are will always allow 0:20:36.880 --> 0:20:41.200 us to become a much more valuable asset and contributor 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:45.280 to our communities. And when I say communities going forward, 0:20:45.640 --> 0:20:49.840 I'm talking about communities being the Black community, the community 0:20:49.880 --> 0:20:54.040 you live in, your culture, your family, your friends, circle, 0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:58.960 your relationships, like, whatever communities you belong to, I'm talking 0:20:58.960 --> 0:21:01.399 about that. So that goes back to me saying like, 0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:04.120 even if you are not black, like, you can still 0:21:04.160 --> 0:21:07.040 take something from this because we all belong to a 0:21:07.040 --> 0:21:11.920 community of some sort right, and so that will also 0:21:12.040 --> 0:21:15.200 help to add to, like I said, the collective growth 0:21:15.280 --> 0:21:19.160 of the community. And as a result, that embedded sense 0:21:19.200 --> 0:21:26.000 of shame will subconsciously have us avoiding accountability due to 0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:32.359 the fear of public disgrace when we focus on trying 0:21:32.359 --> 0:21:34.960 to be who somebody else wants us to be, or 0:21:35.000 --> 0:21:39.320 who will other people dream for us to become and 0:21:39.440 --> 0:21:44.239 to be. Not showing up that way will create, like 0:21:44.280 --> 0:21:47.880 I said, anxiety and a sense of shame and embarrassment 0:21:48.440 --> 0:21:52.360 for not showing up or not being able to live 0:21:52.440 --> 0:21:56.040 up to those expectations. And some of it may be 0:21:56.160 --> 0:21:59.280 in our heads, right, Like some people might listen to 0:21:59.280 --> 0:22:02.680 this and be like girl, please, Like girl, you all 0:22:02.720 --> 0:22:05.199 in your head, you creating all this stuff. You're making excuses. 0:22:06.080 --> 0:22:09.520 But I'm not. Though I'm not. This is real, you know, 0:22:09.720 --> 0:22:13.359 this is a situation, right, and so let's talk, like 0:22:13.480 --> 0:22:16.000 I want to get to the root of what may 0:22:16.160 --> 0:22:21.720 cause some people to not take accountability for their behavior. 0:22:21.840 --> 0:22:25.879 And sometimes, you know, you may say that it in 0:22:25.920 --> 0:22:28.800 my head, but sometimes it's it's embedded in our bones 0:22:28.800 --> 0:22:31.439 and we don't even realize it because it carries on 0:22:31.480 --> 0:22:36.960 from generation to generation generation generation in the communities, right 0:22:37.320 --> 0:22:42.119 in our culture, in our families, in our organizations, whether 0:22:42.160 --> 0:22:46.040 they be social organizations, or it's sometimes at work, like 0:22:46.080 --> 0:22:49.600 whatever your friend groups, whatever it is, you know, it 0:22:49.640 --> 0:22:52.360 can just go down the line and we end up 0:22:52.400 --> 0:22:56.880 living a life where we avoid personal accountability and try 0:22:56.920 --> 0:23:00.720 to stay away from being reflective and owning our own shit. 0:23:01.920 --> 0:23:04.600 And this is not to blame the community, you know. 0:23:04.720 --> 0:23:07.840 I'm not blaming your family, or blame in the black community, 0:23:08.320 --> 0:23:11.479 or blame in the culture or the collective. But it 0:23:11.560 --> 0:23:15.800 is definitely insight into why some folks just flat out 0:23:15.880 --> 0:23:18.639 refuse to own their shit or own their roles and 0:23:18.680 --> 0:23:23.240 responsibilities in situations and circumstances. Do not get me wrong, 0:23:23.560 --> 0:23:28.639 some people are adamant and will die on a hill 0:23:29.720 --> 0:23:35.920 refusing to be held accountable by anyone, and particularly holding 0:23:35.960 --> 0:23:39.880 themselves accountable. Some people just will not do it. It's 0:23:39.960 --> 0:23:42.760 just not of them. They are not of that ilk. 0:23:43.119 --> 0:23:47.520 They will not do it at all. They won't And 0:23:47.560 --> 0:23:51.720 I know lots of people like that. All I'm trying 0:23:51.720 --> 0:23:54.159 to do is just provide a different perspective, a different 0:23:54.359 --> 0:23:57.399 lens to kind of look at this through. And I 0:23:57.440 --> 0:24:01.679 think if you could imagine that if we didn't stigmatize 0:24:02.119 --> 0:24:06.160 or put such a heavy weight on failure in our community, 0:24:06.200 --> 0:24:09.959 people would be more apt to take risks and not 0:24:10.119 --> 0:24:12.840 obsess about the what ifs, you know, like what if 0:24:12.840 --> 0:24:14.600 it doesn't work, and what if I fall, or what 0:24:14.640 --> 0:24:17.080 if I fail? Or what if my wings melt? Or 0:24:17.080 --> 0:24:19.879 what if? You know, what if like people would be like, 0:24:19.960 --> 0:24:24.000 all right, I'm gonna do it, right. I know you've 0:24:24.000 --> 0:24:25.879 seen this thing on the internet that says, but what 0:24:25.920 --> 0:24:29.679 if you fly or something like that. I don't know, 0:24:30.240 --> 0:24:33.920 but what if it works out? We should encourage that 0:24:34.200 --> 0:24:38.720 instead of focusing on you might fail or it might 0:24:38.760 --> 0:24:40.840 not work or you know what I mean. I know 0:24:40.920 --> 0:24:42.880 y'all get what I'm saying. If you understand what I'm saying, 0:24:43.560 --> 0:24:46.040 say amen with me, one, two three, Amen. 0:24:45.880 --> 0:24:47.400 Jesus, Jesus Jesus. 0:24:47.800 --> 0:24:51.920 And if we focus more on that or looking at 0:24:51.920 --> 0:24:55.560 it from that perspective, I think that it would be 0:24:55.600 --> 0:24:58.719 more helpful. And not only would it be more helpful, 0:24:58.760 --> 0:25:04.040 but we would garner better results. You know, we would 0:25:04.040 --> 0:25:07.920 have more people that are willing to own their behaviors. 0:25:08.160 --> 0:25:10.560 What if we encourage people in that way, like not 0:25:10.600 --> 0:25:14.199 always bogging people down with oh lord, what if it 0:25:14.320 --> 0:25:17.040 happens this way? Or what if this happens or what 0:25:17.119 --> 0:25:19.040 if this happens? Or what if you don't do well? 0:25:19.200 --> 0:25:23.280 Like all right, what if you fail? All right? So 0:25:23.400 --> 0:25:28.880 what if you do fail? Then what then? What then 0:25:28.920 --> 0:25:32.439 you just fail and then you just get up. You know, 0:25:32.960 --> 0:25:36.480 we are people with enough resilience and perseverance and just 0:25:36.520 --> 0:25:43.679 straight up strength in our blood, in our blood, in 0:25:43.760 --> 0:25:49.040 our DNA that if we fail, or when we fail, 0:25:49.600 --> 0:25:52.080 if we just get back up and keep it moving, 0:25:53.520 --> 0:25:55.760 dust yourself off and try again, in the words of 0:25:55.800 --> 0:26:01.439 Aliyah shut Out to Aliyah Rest in Paradis, if we 0:26:01.520 --> 0:26:03.719 just get up and keep it moving, you know, and 0:26:03.800 --> 0:26:06.520 just keep trying until we get it right, like we're 0:26:06.560 --> 0:26:10.920 gonna be good. There is a song that I love 0:26:11.600 --> 0:26:15.600 by Jada Kiss and Styles P called We Gonna Make It. 0:26:16.240 --> 0:26:18.520 Listen if you know the song, I'm putting a link 0:26:18.560 --> 0:26:21.399 in the show notes. It is like my theme music. 0:26:22.320 --> 0:26:25.040 Sometimes shit don't work out the way we want it 0:26:25.040 --> 0:26:29.960 to work out, but we we gonna make it. And 0:26:30.040 --> 0:26:34.199 I mean he says with this one line and it 0:26:34.240 --> 0:26:40.119