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Speaker 1: M h. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast,

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Speaker 1: a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all

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Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best

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Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard

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Speaker 1: and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more

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Speaker 1: information or to find a therapist in your area, visit

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Speaker 1: our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While

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Speaker 1: I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast,

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Speaker 1: it is not meant to be a substitute for relationship

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Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me for session one of the Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girls podcasts. Like many things this past year,

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Speaker 1: the experience of dating has looked a lot different and

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Speaker 1: there are many more things to consider. Here's what a

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Speaker 1: few of our community members had to share about what

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Speaker 1: dating has been like for them. My experience actually has

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Speaker 1: been pretty great dating online since the pandemic began. I

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Speaker 1: can't lie. I actually am in a relationship now and

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Speaker 1: that started at peak coronavirus back in March, and we

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Speaker 1: met on HINGE. I was very cautious. I have an

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Speaker 1: immune disorder, and so I didn't want to meet in

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Speaker 1: person for a very long time. So it went from

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Speaker 1: pictures to FaceTime to doing the walks in person. And

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Speaker 1: I think that played a big role too, because there

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Speaker 1: isn't much to do during Corona. There's not a lot

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Speaker 1: of distractions, and so spending a lot of time just

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Speaker 1: walking around talking, getting lost in the mountains because we

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Speaker 1: don't actually know how to hike really made it different.

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Speaker 1: So my experience online dating since the pandemic has been

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Speaker 1: it's changed. I feel like the pandemic has influenced more

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Speaker 1: of what I'm looking for in a partner. During the pandemic,

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Speaker 1: there's been a emphasis on like a bunch of racial issues,

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Speaker 1: systemic racism and all of this, and so I've been

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Speaker 1: looking at what their views are towards what's been happening,

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Speaker 1: and like, have they been voting, are they registered to vote?

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Speaker 1: If they're not registered to vote, MAYB because they're not

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Speaker 1: an American citizen or something. Areas so mugable the issues

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Speaker 1: and stuff like that. So for someone that's pursuing online

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Speaker 1: dating during the pandemic, go into it with the right mindset.

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Speaker 1: I won't say lower your expectations, but I would say

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Speaker 1: have realistic expectations of what you're trying to get out

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Speaker 1: of it. Keep your standards where they are For me,

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Speaker 1: I think mindset is important to help us dig a

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Speaker 1: little deeper into the current dating landscape. Today, we're joined

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Speaker 1: by Tanisha Wood. Tanisha is a dating coach, matchmaker, and

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Speaker 1: founder of the Room List, the first and only matchmaking

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Speaker 1: firm dedicated to pairing marriage minded Black professionals. Her mantra

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Speaker 1: is no you be you, love you. She believes that

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Speaker 1: love starts within. Once you love yourself and embrace authenticity,

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Speaker 1: love will find its way to you. Tunisia shares dating

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Speaker 1: advice to a wide audience on her popular podcasts, Dating,

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Speaker 1: Relationships and Love Are d r L. Tunisia and I

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Speaker 1: chatted about how dating has changed during the pandemic, what

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Speaker 1: her work looks like as a matchmaker, suggestions for making

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Speaker 1: your online dating profiles pop, and how to have honest

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Speaker 1: conversations about your relationship expectations. She also share some of

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Speaker 1: her favorite resources and a special discount code for anyone

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Speaker 1: who might be interested in using her matchmaking services. While

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Speaker 1: in joining our conversation, be sure to share anything that

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Speaker 1: really resonates with you on social media using the hashtag

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Speaker 1: tv G in session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for joining us today, Tanisia, Hi actual joy, thank

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Speaker 1: you for having me. Yeah, I'm very excited you were

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Speaker 1: able to come and chat with us, and I would

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Speaker 1: love for you to just start by telling us a

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Speaker 1: little bit about you as well as how you got

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Speaker 1: into the work of matchmaking. Yeah. So my name is

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Speaker 1: Tanisha Wood. I am a dating coach and matchmaker. I've

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Speaker 1: been doing this now full time for about five years,

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Speaker 1: and it actually really started very organically. I grew up

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Speaker 1: in Minneapolis, and then I moved out to San Francisco

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Speaker 1: for a job back in two thousand and nine. And

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Speaker 1: when I got out there, I didn't know anybody at all.

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Speaker 1: And so two thousand nine, if we recall, was still

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Speaker 1: the dark ages of online dating. Meeting people weren't too

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Speaker 1: forthcoming about meeting people online and dating online. It was

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Speaker 1: still sort of a source of embarrassment for some people.

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Speaker 1: But for me, I'm never took any issue with it.

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Speaker 1: And when I got out there, I created a profile,

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Speaker 1: and I was in my early twenties, and so I

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Speaker 1: would tweak my profile and I would notice what type

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Speaker 1: of men I was attracting based on that, and so

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Speaker 1: it just sort of became a fun experiment for me.

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Speaker 1: And like I said, I was just exploring dating having fun,

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Speaker 1: So I wasn't looking for anything serious at that point.

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Speaker 1: But once I was again, I changed my profile and

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Speaker 1: then met a boyfriend at the time met him, and

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Speaker 1: then friends would always say to me, well, how are

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Speaker 1: you meeting these guys. I'm like, oh online, Like, let

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Speaker 1: me show you how to do it, And so I

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Speaker 1: started doing profiles for friends, and then from there they

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Speaker 1: were sending me their friends profiles, and at a certain

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Speaker 1: point I said I should get paid for this. So

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Speaker 1: that's how I really I spun that, and then you know,

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Speaker 1: I stayed in a sales career for several years after that,

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Speaker 1: and then finally about five years ago, I just said,

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Speaker 1: you know what, this is truly what I feel like

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Speaker 1: I'm called to do. Like I said, I've been matching

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Speaker 1: friends and doing a profiles, and I decided to start

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Speaker 1: my own company five years ago doing it nice. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And in sess of the podcast, we talked about just

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Speaker 1: single life during the pandemic. Right, So I am sure

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Speaker 1: that much of your work has shifted, as have many

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Speaker 1: things in the world, right, and so I am curious

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Speaker 1: to hear about, like what kinds of things are your

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Speaker 1: clients talking about? Like what does dating even look like

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Speaker 1: right now? You know. I was actually really surprised at

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Speaker 1: the beginning of the pandemic because in my mind, I thought,

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Speaker 1: this is not something that people are going to spend

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Speaker 1: money on right now. My business will be severely impacted.

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Speaker 1: That's the idea I had going into the pandemic. But

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Speaker 1: as things went on, I actually started to work with

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Speaker 1: more people and get more clients because I think people really,

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Speaker 1: probably for the first time, sat down by themselves and thought,

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Speaker 1: I don't want this life going forward. I don't know

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Speaker 1: that I want to spend this much time alone. You know,

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Speaker 1: as a person myself who very much values alone time,

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Speaker 1: I very much value solitude, you know, even for me

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Speaker 1: having boyfriend the times, you know, just being there alone

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Speaker 1: the entire time, I'm like, Wow, we really do need people,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm so glad you're here with me, but I

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Speaker 1: also miss my family. I also miss my friends. I

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Speaker 1: missed those interactions. So I think what the pandemic did

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Speaker 1: was really forced people to realize, Hey, do I truly

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Speaker 1: want to do this alone forever? And for most people

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Speaker 1: the answer was no, and so they sought out, you know,

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Speaker 1: services like mine. We saw a huge skyrocket in online dating,

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Speaker 1: the amount of messages that we're being sent, the amount

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Speaker 1: of people that were signing up and using video dating

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Speaker 1: features and things like that. And so can you talk

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Speaker 1: a little bit about the technology and maybe I know

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Speaker 1: that they're the standard apps and stuff like that, but like,

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Speaker 1: what is your work looking like now in terms of

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Speaker 1: matchmaking in the virtual world. Yeah, so a lot of

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Speaker 1: my clients have become really open to dating outside of

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Speaker 1: their geographic area, right, So people that are in New

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Speaker 1: York are like, yeah, I'm fine, you know, dating somebody

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Speaker 1: in Atlanta or d C or wherever, because now they

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Speaker 1: have the flexibility to really be anywhere, right, So it's

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Speaker 1: not a matter of Okay, if things work out with

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Speaker 1: this person, I can just see them on the weekends

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Speaker 1: when I'm not working, Like people are able to travel

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Speaker 1: and work elsewhere. So I am seeing a lot more

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Speaker 1: openness with that. I'm also seeing people becoming more open

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Speaker 1: to the idea of I can meet somebody virtually, whether

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Speaker 1: that be through me or on an app, and create

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Speaker 1: a relationship and fall in love and it doesn't take

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Speaker 1: anything away from us as a couple or this relationship

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Speaker 1: because we haven't had those in person interactions. So I

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Speaker 1: think just people have become a lot more open to

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Speaker 1: the idea of it's not about how you meet somebody,

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Speaker 1: but about the connection that you truly share together. Mm hmmm.

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Speaker 1: Did you feel like hitting into the pandemic there was

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Speaker 1: still a lot of stigma related to meeting online or

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Speaker 1: was that kind of going anyway? I think most of

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Speaker 1: the stigma was gone, but I will say that what

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Speaker 1: I think was still there as this lack of seriousness. Right, So,

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Speaker 1: I think that people didn't always take online dating seriously.

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Speaker 1: They might have seen it as I might meet somebody there,

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Speaker 1: will go out on a couple of dates. But you know,

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Speaker 1: I often heard a lot of people say, I know,

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Speaker 1: you can meet your husband or wife online, but that's

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Speaker 1: probably not how it's going to happen for me. There

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Speaker 1: was a sort of idea that it would probably happen

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Speaker 1: in other ways, but not online. But I think people

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Speaker 1: are much more open now to saying, yeah, I can't

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Speaker 1: meet my husband and wife here. I can't fall in

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Speaker 1: love truly with a person I may have never met

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Speaker 1: in person. It actually sort of happened that way for me.

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Speaker 1: So when I first met my boyfriend, he slid into

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Speaker 1: my d M on Instagram. And it was a time

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Speaker 1: in my life where I was having a lot of transitions.

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Speaker 1: Like I mentioned before, I had left a full time

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Speaker 1: career to start my own thing, and it was right

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Speaker 1: around that time and before I did all that, I

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Speaker 1: decided that I was going to, you know, take a

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Speaker 1: trip around the world for two months. Right, so slid

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Speaker 1: into my DM. I said, you know, thanks, but no thing.

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Speaker 1: And then he was very persistent, and so we actually

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Speaker 1: ended up meeting right before my trip. We went and

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Speaker 1: had coffee, and you know, at that point, I still

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Speaker 1: thought not really for me, and I'm really focused on

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Speaker 1: on doing me right now in this trip I have

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Speaker 1: to take and getting everything ready for that. And so

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Speaker 1: he said, hey, you know, do me a favor and

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Speaker 1: let me know all the places that you're going, like,

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Speaker 1: send me a list of everywhere that you're going. So

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Speaker 1: I sent him the list, not really thinking anything of it,

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Speaker 1: and then he says, you know, I want to introduce

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Speaker 1: you to some friends that I have in Paris and

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Speaker 1: also a really good friend that I have in Madrid.

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Speaker 1: And again people say stuff like that, like oh, I'll

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Speaker 1: connect you, and I was like, yeah, okay, cool. So

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Speaker 1: when I got to Paris, he introduced me to two

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Speaker 1: really amazing black women that he went to Howard with

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Speaker 1: and he was just like, I just knew you were

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Speaker 1: going to like them, and I hit it off with them.

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Speaker 1: Then when I got to Spain, a good friend that

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Speaker 1: he had there him and his wife took me out

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Speaker 1: for my birthday and so I started meeting all these

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Speaker 1: people through him, and I didn't even really know him yet,

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Speaker 1: so that really prompted me to communicate with him more.

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Speaker 1: And then we ended up talking every single day that

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Speaker 1: I was gone, and then by the time that I

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Speaker 1: got home, we were together. And then we moved in

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Speaker 1: together a month later and that was three years ago. Wow,

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Speaker 1: what a cool story. Yeah, I feel like this is

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Speaker 1: something that is going to give people that boosts. They

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Speaker 1: need to maybe check their other messages folder on Instagram, right,

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Speaker 1: because we talked a lot about like the traditional dating apps, right,

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Speaker 1: like Madge and Tinder and all of those things. But

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Speaker 1: I honestly feel like places like Instagram and Twitter are

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Speaker 1: actually really great places to kind of get to know

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Speaker 1: more about people than maybe you would even share on

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Speaker 1: a dating app. Oh, totally, because I mean you can explore,

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Speaker 1: and by explore I mean stock literally explore someone's whole life.

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Speaker 1: And there's so much for you to go off of

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Speaker 1: on their pages and in their profiles that could easily

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Speaker 1: prompt a conversation or message. I mean that could start

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Speaker 1: as easily as saying something like, oh, you know, I

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Speaker 1: saw that you went to Madrid last year. You know

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Speaker 1: I went, and I'm so glad they have the CSAs

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Speaker 1: after all the amazing meals I was eating, what was

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Speaker 1: your favorite part? Like, it just gives you so much

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Speaker 1: rich information to like start a rich conversation. And I

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Speaker 1: say rich conversation very intentionally. Do not slide into anybody's

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Speaker 1: d M and just say hi, you have something to say. Oh, so,

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Speaker 1: can you give us more pointers about how you start

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Speaker 1: a rich conversation. Yeah, don't approach anybody that you're not

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Speaker 1: actually interested in. So if you just find somebody attractive,

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Speaker 1: but there's not much more beyond that that you find

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Speaker 1: that you like about them or that you're sharing with them,

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Speaker 1: just let that one go. But if it is somebody

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Speaker 1: that you actually have an interest in, and you see

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Speaker 1: that you guys have things in common. Focus on those commonalities.

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Speaker 1: So you know, I gave the example of Madrid, but

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Speaker 1: that could be anything from the city you live, into

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Speaker 1: pets you have to life goals that are mentioned in

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Speaker 1: your page. I mean, people really do give a whole

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Speaker 1: lot of personal information out about themselves and about what

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Speaker 1: they're thinking and about what they're doing. So there's really

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Speaker 1: a lot to say. So don't miss the opportunity by

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Speaker 1: being generic, bland and seeming like you're not actually interested.

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Speaker 1: You know, like, if you're actually interested in a person,

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Speaker 1: there is so much more to say than hi. So

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Speaker 1: start with something that you guys have in common. Tell

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Speaker 1: them exactly what it is that interested you about them,

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Speaker 1: and also be clear about why you're reaching out. You know,

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Speaker 1: you don't want somebody to take this as a oh

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Speaker 1: is this like a business connection? Is that why they're

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Speaker 1: reaching out? Like you want somebody to be clear, I mean,

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Speaker 1: you know, don't go over the top and overboard say

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Speaker 1: don't you know, say something like, oh, I thought you

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Speaker 1: would be a great boyfriend, so here I am. I mean,

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Speaker 1: keep it light, but you could ask something like, oh,

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Speaker 1: are you are you dating anybody? After you've established a

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Speaker 1: connection then asked that Upfronte having that conversation sooner than later.

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Speaker 1: More from Tunisia after this quick break. So for the

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Speaker 1: more traditional dating apps, because I know you've already mentioned

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Speaker 1: that this is something that you help from your clients

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Speaker 1: to do. What are some of the dues and don't

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Speaker 1: so are things that you find work really well for

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Speaker 1: people when they're sharing things like on their dating profiles.

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Speaker 1: The first thing is being authentic, right, So show the

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Speaker 1: best version of yourself, but also the most authentic version

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Speaker 1: of yourself. And so be clear about who you are,

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Speaker 1: what you're looking for, and what brings you joy. So

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Speaker 1: when I say who you are, who you are isn't

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Speaker 1: just defined by well, here's what I do for work.

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Speaker 1: You know, I'm a sales manager, I'm a matchmaker, Like

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Speaker 1: that's what you do? But who are you? What kind

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Speaker 1: of person are you? How do your friends describe you?

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Speaker 1: How would your mother describe you? How do you describe you?

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Speaker 1: So that really stands out because, believe it or not,

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Speaker 1: a lot of people don't do that. A lot of

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Speaker 1: people immediately lean on the work crutch, right, So I say,

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Speaker 1: focus on on who you are at heart, focus on

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Speaker 1: what you want. Will be clear in your profile that

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Speaker 1: you are in fact looking for a long term relationship

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Speaker 1: or a friendship or something serious or something casual, whatever

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Speaker 1: it is that you're looking for, because it's just gonna

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Speaker 1: take away so much confusion on the back end. And

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Speaker 1: I think sometimes people are scared to say that upfront

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Speaker 1: when they're looking for something serious or serious relationship because

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Speaker 1: they think, well, I don't want to scare people off.

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Speaker 1: You will scare people off, and that's okay. Those aren't

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Speaker 1: your people, so that's fine. If they are scared off

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Speaker 1: by you wanting something serious and you being confident enough

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Speaker 1: to state that upfront, scare those people off that don't

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Speaker 1: want that. That'll save your time. And a big tip

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Speaker 1: I always give women in particular is to include the

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Speaker 1: type of man that you want in your profile. So,

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Speaker 1: for example, I would like a confident man that makes

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Speaker 1: me feel safe, Like essentially, you are telling the men

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Speaker 1: that look at your pro file if you are this,

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Speaker 1: come my way. If you are not, keep swiping without

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Speaker 1: being negative. Another tip that that brings me to avoid

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Speaker 1: all negativity in your profile, So don't talk about the

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Speaker 1: things that you don't want. So don't say I don't

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Speaker 1: want a cheater. I don't want a man with baggage.

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Speaker 1: I don't want, Like, let's not bring negative energy into

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Speaker 1: it at all. Focus on the positive because when people

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Speaker 1: see things like that, you're ultimately going to attract negative people.

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Speaker 1: Like the people that are going to be attracted to

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Speaker 1: all the negative talk are negative people. Mm hmmm. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And I think you know, if I were reading something

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Speaker 1: like that in a dating profile, it would make me question, like,

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Speaker 1: are you actually ready to date? Right? Because it feels

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Speaker 1: like to me, there's still something you need to work

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Speaker 1: through around whoever else you've dated that you're leading with

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Speaker 1: who I don't want? Yeah, Like you know exactly what

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Speaker 1: somebody has been through when they say I don't want this,

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Speaker 1: I don't want that, Like nobody writes in their profile

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Speaker 1: you know, I don't want to be with a serial killers?

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Speaker 1: Uh right, you don't feel the need to write that, right, right.

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Speaker 1: So I'm curious to know more about how the process

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Speaker 1: works to work with a matchmaker. So, you know, with

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Speaker 1: the traditional dating apps, you know, it is much more selfilt, right,

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Speaker 1: But I'm assuming that with a matchmaker more of the

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Speaker 1: work is you kind of like screening your clients for

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Speaker 1: maybe who you have you know in your database for

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Speaker 1: a lack of a better word, right to see who

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Speaker 1: might be a good match. Can you tell me a

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Speaker 1: little bit more about that process. Yeah, So it's a

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Speaker 1: very intensive process. The screening process really focuses on understanding

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Speaker 1: the readiness part. So I typically do a video interview

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Speaker 1: with clients that's about an hour and a half to

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Speaker 1: two hours, And in that interview, I'm asking questions like,

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Speaker 1: have you been to therapy? What did you get out

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Speaker 1: of that experience? Do you have any unhealed trauma that

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Speaker 1: you're still working on? How do you believe that finances

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Speaker 1: should be split? Who pays for a first date? What's

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Speaker 1: your relationship like with your family? So what I'm really

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Speaker 1: trying to guard from all these questions is how emotionally

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Speaker 1: mature and ready are you? Because you know, I look

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Speaker 1: at it like I could match you with the absolute

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Speaker 1: perfect person for you. It could be amazing, but there's

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Speaker 1: gonna be a problem at some point, and are you

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Speaker 1: ready and do you have the emotional maturity and the

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Speaker 1: skill set to work through those issues when they arise?

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Speaker 1: So that's really what I'm checking for their got it?

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Speaker 1: Got it? So I know in your work you talk

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Speaker 1: a lot about attracting and keeping a high value partner.

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Speaker 1: Can you tell me more about what that means? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: So I think the absolute best way to attract and

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Speaker 1: keep a high value partner is valuing yourself. So that

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Speaker 1: is step one. So how I look at it is

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Speaker 1: how you value and treat yourself is how a partner

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Speaker 1: will value and treat you. So if you come into

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Speaker 1: the relationship confident in who you are, and you are

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Speaker 1: upfront about your needs and how you want and need

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Speaker 1: to be treated, a partner is going to reciprocate that.

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Speaker 1: I think people near what we have going on on

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Speaker 1: the inside. So if I come into a relationship in

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Speaker 1: a situation just I'm sure of myself, you know, lacking

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Speaker 1: the confidence and who I am and my ability to

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Speaker 1: bring value to a partnership, that's going to show like

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Speaker 1: that's the energy I'm putting out there, and that's going

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Speaker 1: to be reflected right back to me. And not only

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Speaker 1: my romantic relationships, but you know, friendships, work relationships, all

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Speaker 1: sorts of it. So I think attracting a high value

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Speaker 1: partner means seeing yourself in that way first and acting accordingly.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, it always seems like black women are

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Speaker 1: expected to settle for potential and expected to be okay

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Speaker 1: with not having a partner that brings as much to

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Speaker 1: the table as they do. You are allowed to ask

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Speaker 1: for that, and I don't want anybody to feel any

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Speaker 1: way about asking for all the things that they've ring

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Speaker 1: to the table. Again, your high value is you. However

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Speaker 1: you see yourself, and wherever you see your value, you

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Speaker 1: are allowed to ask for that. M I'm wondering, are

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Speaker 1: there any exercises that our community could do, what that

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Speaker 1: maybe you do with your potential clients that help them

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Speaker 1: to find their personal values and how that might work

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Speaker 1: in a relationship. Yeah. One of the things that I

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Speaker 1: love doing is I love writing letters, and I think

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Speaker 1: it's so important just to sit with your thoughts in

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Speaker 1: an honest way. And so I have my clients write

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Speaker 1: a letter to the universe describing who they are and

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Speaker 1: the type of life that they want and the type

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Speaker 1: of partner that they want. I encourage them not to

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Speaker 1: focus on you know, the six ft, the six pack,

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Speaker 1: or the sixth figure, but really ask yourself, again, with

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Speaker 1: what I said before, how do you want to feel

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Speaker 1: when you wake up next to this person in the morning,

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Speaker 1: What types of qualities. Do they need to have to

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Speaker 1: bring you what you need? You know, do they need

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Speaker 1: to be a joyous person, do they need to be

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Speaker 1: an intellectual person? Like who do they need to value

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Speaker 1: and what do they need to value? So really, again,

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Speaker 1: focus on the feeling that you want when you are

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Speaker 1: with your partner. Yeah, and I mean, and you know,

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Speaker 1: several times in this conversation you have kind of referred

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Speaker 1: to like there is some work that you sometimes have

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Speaker 1: to do to be ready to kind of make space

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Speaker 1: for a relationship, right, And I So I'm wondering, like

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Speaker 1: what kinds of things frequently come up for your clients

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Speaker 1: around maybe self work that they need to engage in

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Speaker 1: before they actually are ready for the dating process. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: a lot of it is really like loving yourself. Like

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Speaker 1: a lot of it I find is scars from old

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Speaker 1: relationships that have left us feeling broken or that we

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Speaker 1: are not worthy, and then therefore we lose trust in

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Speaker 1: our ability to choose the right partner. And we also

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Speaker 1: sometimes feel like maybe we don't deserve the right partner

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Speaker 1: based on what happened in the past. So a lot

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Speaker 1: of the times with my client, we'll do exercises where

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Speaker 1: we're understanding what those roadblocks are. So sometimes the roadblock

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Speaker 1: isn't your last relationship that ended badly. So sometimes we

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Speaker 1: like peel back the onion and dig and dig and

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Speaker 1: dig in order to find the source of that issue.

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Speaker 1: And you know, I am not a therapist, and so

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Speaker 1: whenever it gets to a place where I feel like

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Speaker 1: there is deep seated trauma in there that people need

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Speaker 1: to work through, I always recommend that they seek the

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Speaker 1: advice and counsel of a therapist. But for my role,

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Speaker 1: I do try to help them at least understand what

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Speaker 1: those roadblocks are and where they're coming from, because I

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Speaker 1: think once you identify the source of it, you can

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Speaker 1: move forward understanding the source of where that harm might

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Speaker 1: have actually come from. More from Tunisia after this quick break.

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Speaker 1: So you mentioned that in your matchmaking work, don't work

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Speaker 1: with anybody typically under the age of twenty eight. I'm

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Speaker 1: wondering if there are differences that you've seen kind of

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Speaker 1: depending on the age in terms of what people are

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Speaker 1: looking at and like what kinds of expectations they maybe

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Speaker 1: should even have depending on their age. Well, I don't

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Speaker 1: work with people under twenty eight because I don't think

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Speaker 1: anybody should be married before thirty. That that is, that's

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Speaker 1: a personal philosophy. I have seen, you know, way too

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Speaker 1: many situations where people have gotten married too young before

432
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:32,600
Speaker 1: they really knew themselves and what they wanted out of life,

433
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:36,040
Speaker 1: and then the situation didn't end well. So I like

434
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,359
Speaker 1: for people to be at a place where they've lived

435
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,399
Speaker 1: enough life to say, Okay, I know exactly who I

436
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,680
Speaker 1: am and I know exactly who I want before committing

437
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:48,959
Speaker 1: to a lifetime partnership. The human brain doesn't actually finish

438
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:53,520
Speaker 1: developing until around age twenty six, maybe later for some people.

439
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,040
Speaker 1: And so if you're going to make a lifelong decision

440
00:23:57,119 --> 00:23:59,520
Speaker 1: I want you to have a fully formed brain when

441
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,920
Speaker 1: making decision. So what are your suggestions for what our

442
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,520
Speaker 1: community members in their twenties should be doing to kind

443
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 1: of really get to know themselves and ground themselves. Yeah,

444
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,800
Speaker 1: I think in your twenties it's really the time to explore. Like,

445
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,800
Speaker 1: your twenties are a good time to go out with

446
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:19,400
Speaker 1: different types of people to try to figure out, Okay,

447
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,480
Speaker 1: what did I like about that guy, what did I

448
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,800
Speaker 1: like about that woman, What did I like about that interaction?

449
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:28,040
Speaker 1: What didn't I like? But really using that time to

450
00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:32,600
Speaker 1: dissect exactly what you prefer and what you don't. Oh, man,

451
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 1: I really do miss dating in my twenties, Like it

452
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,080
Speaker 1: was really it was a really fun time for me.

453
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:42,680
Speaker 1: Like through going out with so many different guys, I

454
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:47,920
Speaker 1: really understood myself, you know, I really was observing certain qualities,

455
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,440
Speaker 1: Like I was observing how I was reacting to these men.

456
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:55,080
Speaker 1: Like sometimes I'd feel just really comfortable and I'm laughing

457
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,200
Speaker 1: and like just feeling at easees And I would say, well,

458
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,159
Speaker 1: what was it about him that made me feel that?

459
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 1: What specifically did he do? What was that quality? And

460
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,199
Speaker 1: then when I wasn't feeling that way, when I was

461
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,640
Speaker 1: feeling like, uh, I don't there's something about this guy.

462
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,320
Speaker 1: I don't really like him. I just you know, I

463
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 1: don't want him touching me. I don't like what qualities

464
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:16,280
Speaker 1: were producing that sort of reaction. So just really being

465
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 1: aware and intentional, because I think that one of the

466
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:24,040
Speaker 1: things that we're really good at is planning for certain

467
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,920
Speaker 1: life events. So you know, we'll say, Okay, I want

468
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,719
Speaker 1: this job or this position at my company. Okay, well

469
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:33,320
Speaker 1: let me think about all the qualifications or certifications or

470
00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: whatever it might be that I need to get there. Okay, cool,

471
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:41,480
Speaker 1: let me get that done. Or I really want this education, Okay, well,

472
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,560
Speaker 1: how much is it going to cost me? We are

473
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,920
Speaker 1: so good at planning certain things, but when it comes

474
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: to relationships and love, I don't think we plan enough.

475
00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:54,200
Speaker 1: I think that we sort of just expected to happen.

476
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,800
Speaker 1: We sort of expect to walk outside one day and

477
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,720
Speaker 1: in a very serendipitous way, you know, meet meet the

478
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,440
Speaker 1: man of our dreams, and it doesn't happen that way.

479
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,720
Speaker 1: You know, I think it happens that way in Disney

480
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,680
Speaker 1: quite often, but in real life it does take planning.

481
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:15,479
Speaker 1: But like, think about what you really need and and

482
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:19,080
Speaker 1: plan for that. And so whether that plan be talking

483
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,280
Speaker 1: to friends about what you want and letting them know

484
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:25,199
Speaker 1: you're looking, or dating online and creating a profile that

485
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,800
Speaker 1: really attracts that type of man, or working with a

486
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 1: matchmaker to help ve candidates for you and to coach

487
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,360
Speaker 1: you all of it. Regardless of how you get there,

488
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:40,200
Speaker 1: get there intentionally and with a plan. So the plan,

489
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:42,880
Speaker 1: it sounds like, looks like you being just very active

490
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,520
Speaker 1: in the process, as opposed to the serendipity that Disney

491
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:48,880
Speaker 1: has kind of told us is how you fall in love,

492
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,000
Speaker 1: right and and then even after you meet somebody, the

493
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:55,040
Speaker 1: work doesn't end there. In fact, that's really where the

494
00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:59,639
Speaker 1: work begins. Like, again, liking somebody and somebody liking you

495
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:04,080
Speaker 1: is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. So you

496
00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:08,560
Speaker 1: need to be comfortable having certain conversations early and up

497
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:12,959
Speaker 1: front so that people understand your expectations and what you

498
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,920
Speaker 1: need out of that partnership. So you mentioned the whole

499
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:20,800
Speaker 1: the importance of communicating expectations, either very early in the

500
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,320
Speaker 1: dating process or even you know, once you are, like

501
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,080
Speaker 1: in a more committed relationship. And I know that this

502
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,760
Speaker 1: is something that people typically struggle with, right, like just

503
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,520
Speaker 1: kind of feeling like, oh, am I doing too much

504
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 1: by communicating these things. But we know that the only

505
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,320
Speaker 1: way that you have a good chance of getting your

506
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: expectations meant is by letting people know that you have

507
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 1: them exactly. That's the thing. I think we view these

508
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 1: things as people are going to think, oh, we're overbearing,

509
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,800
Speaker 1: Oh we're asking for too much, But in fact it

510
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:57,119
Speaker 1: does the opposite. It lets a person know, Hey, I

511
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:01,159
Speaker 1: know myself, and I value myself and I value my needs,

512
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,959
Speaker 1: so you should too. Here are some of my needs.

513
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,680
Speaker 1: And again it's all about how you say it. So

514
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 1: for example, some people are you know, the type of

515
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 1: people where they want you to communicate with them often

516
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:16,160
Speaker 1: throughout the day, Like they want to talk to their

517
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:19,600
Speaker 1: partner multiple times throughout the day. That's just an easy

518
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:22,240
Speaker 1: conversation in the beginning, say hey, you know, if you

519
00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:24,360
Speaker 1: notice that your partner is not doing that and that's

520
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,560
Speaker 1: something that you need, say hey, you know, I know

521
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:29,439
Speaker 1: we don't talk very often throughout the day, or you know,

522
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,399
Speaker 1: you don't text me when you're at work, but it

523
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,719
Speaker 1: really means a lot to me just to like have

524
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:37,520
Speaker 1: that communication for me to hear about your day and

525
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:40,040
Speaker 1: check in with you, and I love hearing from you.

526
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: It puts a smile on my face. So like I

527
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:44,360
Speaker 1: would love it if we could communicate more during the day,

528
00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 1: like simple right, Like it's it's all about how you

529
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,520
Speaker 1: say it, not what you say. And if you have

530
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:54,080
Speaker 1: a loving partner, they will I'm not gonna say they're

531
00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:56,240
Speaker 1: always going to comply with exactly what you say and

532
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 1: now they're going to text you every day at once,

533
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:02,240
Speaker 1: like no, But what a healthy relationship will do is

534
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:06,960
Speaker 1: have a conversation about that. So maybe that conversation is Okay, yeah,

535
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,040
Speaker 1: I know you like that, but like the thing is,

536
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 1: I just get so busy during these hours and it's

537
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 1: like almost impossible for me to text. Okay, well, how

538
00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,040
Speaker 1: about first thing? When I get home? We always have

539
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 1: twenty minutes together just our time, like communication and compromise,

540
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 1: Like that's that's what it's all about. So you have

541
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:27,400
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship where you're comfortable having these

542
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 1: conversations and if you're truly not so, if you're with

543
00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,760
Speaker 1: somebody and you're like, oh man, I don't want to

544
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:35,840
Speaker 1: tell him that I want him to communicate with me

545
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 1: more during the day or whatever the issue might be,

546
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:43,640
Speaker 1: ask yourself, why I so apprehensive about communicating my needs

547
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 1: to this person? Is it because I feel like my

548
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:49,959
Speaker 1: needs are off base or wrong or unwarranted? Is it

549
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,760
Speaker 1: because I feel like this person will be upset or

550
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:56,840
Speaker 1: just not listen, whatever it might be. Ask yourself the

551
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:59,480
Speaker 1: question behind the question. Why am I feeling the way

552
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:02,080
Speaker 1: I'm feeling? If I'm unable to communicate with my partner?

553
00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:04,520
Speaker 1: Why is that? Is that something they are doing to

554
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,840
Speaker 1: make me feel like this? Is it something I am doing?

555
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,720
Speaker 1: Don't I think what I'm asking for is valuable? Like

556
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,920
Speaker 1: ask yourself these questions, yeah, because I do think that

557
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 1: those are some of the things we bring into a relationship, right,

558
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,360
Speaker 1: and maybe something that you don't even have insight in

559
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,440
Speaker 1: until you find yourself doing it right, and it's like, oh,

560
00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:24,040
Speaker 1: I'm really kind of like minimizing my knees here, Like

561
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:25,920
Speaker 1: where did that come from? Right, Especially if it's a

562
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: newer behavior, you know, it could be something that is

563
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:32,200
Speaker 1: typically not you, but it's something about this dynamic that is,

564
00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 1: you know, causing you to react in that way. Yeah,

565
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:38,040
Speaker 1: for me personally, like I've had to work through the

566
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:41,120
Speaker 1: idea of asking for help, and I've had to work

567
00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:45,680
Speaker 1: on it very intentionally because it's just something that I've

568
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 1: always struggled with. Like I've always had this idea in

569
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,800
Speaker 1: my head since I was a child, and probably from

570
00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:54,640
Speaker 1: some things in my childhood, right that like, oh, you

571
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 1: know what, you gotta do it yourself. If you want

572
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,160
Speaker 1: something done right, you gotta do it yourself. You have

573
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,400
Speaker 1: to be independent, and you don't ask for help like

574
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 1: all of that, right, And and I held that with

575
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,480
Speaker 1: such pride for a very long time, Like I love

576
00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 1: telling a man like, oh I want you, but I

577
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:13,720
Speaker 1: don't need you. Like that was my favorite thing. That's

578
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 1: how any man, and I couldn't wait to say it,

579
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: like I could do everything on my own. You're actually

580
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:20,400
Speaker 1: you're here, but I don't don't need you. I want

581
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:25,320
Speaker 1: you and in my relationship now, you know, that's something

582
00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:28,440
Speaker 1: that my boyfriend is very aware of, and he calls

583
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:31,720
Speaker 1: me on frequently. They'll often say to me, why did

584
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:34,080
Speaker 1: you do that on your own? Why didn't you just

585
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,160
Speaker 1: ask me for help? And I was like, oh, well,

586
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 1: in the moment it was easier, blah blah blah, you know,

587
00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: and no, like because I have been doing that for

588
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,440
Speaker 1: so long, it comes so naturally for me just not

589
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,880
Speaker 1: to ask for help. And he has made me aware

590
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,760
Speaker 1: of how he feels when I don't ask for help.

591
00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,640
Speaker 1: He feels like, oh I don't want him to help,

592
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:56,760
Speaker 1: he is not necessary and all of that. And so

593
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: it's something that I have to be very intentional of.

594
00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:02,240
Speaker 1: You know, when I think just do it yourself, I

595
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,480
Speaker 1: honestly do ask myself, is this something that Chris can

596
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:07,760
Speaker 1: help with? Is this something you probably want to help with?

597
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,280
Speaker 1: And then I enless this help all the time now,

598
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:13,520
Speaker 1: but again very intentionally, I have to work on that

599
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 1: MM hmm. Yeah, So we know that not every relationship last, right,

600
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,840
Speaker 1: and I think that this is something that has happened.

601
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 1: We've had quite a few conversations in the community around

602
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:27,200
Speaker 1: like breakups and like getting back out there, and so

603
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:30,440
Speaker 1: can you speak to maybe some suggestions or things people

604
00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,400
Speaker 1: want to kind of keep in mind if they're kind

605
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:35,640
Speaker 1: of back in the dating scene again after maybe coming

606
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:39,880
Speaker 1: out of a long relationship. Yeah, first thing is, don't

607
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:43,360
Speaker 1: get into a new relationship before you've healed from the

608
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,000
Speaker 1: old relationship, because you don't want to bring that old

609
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:51,760
Speaker 1: baggage into the new thing. So really understand why the

610
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:55,640
Speaker 1: breakup happened, what your role in it was, and what

611
00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: you'd want to do different in the next relationship. So

612
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:02,880
Speaker 1: once you're clear on you know what what it was

613
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,680
Speaker 1: in your role in it, then when you move into

614
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,360
Speaker 1: a new relationship, you also have to make sure that

615
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: you've built your trust back up with yourself. Right. So

616
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 1: oftentimes we lose our trust in ourselves because maybe we

617
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,200
Speaker 1: chose wrong the last time. You know, maybe I chose

618
00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:22,480
Speaker 1: a guy and then I realized he was completely different

619
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: than who I thought he was, and now I questioned

620
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,360
Speaker 1: my own ability to choose the right partner, and then

621
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:31,800
Speaker 1: I get into a relationship with somebody and I'm constantly thinking, oh, well,

622
00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:33,280
Speaker 1: is he going to do this? Like the last person

623
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,040
Speaker 1: is do I gotta watch him? Like, so make sure

624
00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:39,520
Speaker 1: that you have in fact gotten over the last relationship

625
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,400
Speaker 1: and you've taken the time to build your trust back

626
00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 1: up with yourself so that you know that you're now

627
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:48,120
Speaker 1: in something new for for the right reasons. Yeah, I

628
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 1: think that that's a really important part of it, right,

629
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:52,320
Speaker 1: because it is important, you know, for all of the

630
00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:54,760
Speaker 1: reasons we've talked about today, to really be able to

631
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 1: trust your own judgment, right, Like, that's such a big

632
00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 1: part of it. That's a huge part of dating, is

633
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:05,480
Speaker 1: just having the certainty and like go with your gut,

634
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:08,920
Speaker 1: like listen to your gut, like, don't question that. I

635
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:13,360
Speaker 1: think we'll often logic our way out of just listening

636
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:15,920
Speaker 1: to our bodies and ourselves. You know. It's like, well,

637
00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 1: there's just something about the situation that I don't know,

638
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,520
Speaker 1: it just doesn't feel right. And then we go back

639
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,799
Speaker 1: to but he's such a nice guy, and you know,

640
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:26,720
Speaker 1: he has a good job and he has good friends,

641
00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 1: and you know, yeah, the rest all works. Whatever. It's

642
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:32,480
Speaker 1: like no, nothing can happen if your gut is on board,

643
00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:34,680
Speaker 1: Like listen to that, listen to that, like if you

644
00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:37,600
Speaker 1: feel it in your body, this voice in your head.

645
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:41,799
Speaker 1: So always trust yourself first, trust your gut and listen

646
00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:46,279
Speaker 1: to yourself and your body. Very important, very important. So

647
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,560
Speaker 1: something else that I think has been a hot topic recently,

648
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,239
Speaker 1: and I am sure you have been aware of this,

649
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:54,080
Speaker 1: as is your field. It feels like there is often

650
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:58,920
Speaker 1: lots of conversation around these male dating gurus quote unquote right,

651
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,239
Speaker 1: and it feels like there is a particular emphasis on

652
00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:06,680
Speaker 1: black men giving dating and love advice to black women

653
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:11,200
Speaker 1: in ways that frankly, I find incredibly harmful and predatory,

654
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 1: because it feels like often the advice is something about

655
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,239
Speaker 1: being wrong with you, right, Like there's something about you

656
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:19,799
Speaker 1: that you need to fix. And so I'm curious to

657
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 1: just hear about any feedback that you have from people

658
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:25,839
Speaker 1: who maybe you know, watching these videos or signing up

659
00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:29,080
Speaker 1: for courses or workshops, Like what kinds of things should

660
00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:32,360
Speaker 1: people be considering when they're thinking about finding somebody to

661
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:36,719
Speaker 1: maybe give them dating advice? Uh, doctors who I am

662
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,200
Speaker 1: right there with you. Sometimes I see those videos and

663
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:42,799
Speaker 1: I cringe, Like sometimes I just I cringe. I would say,

664
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,680
Speaker 1: always be aware of the source of the information, right,

665
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:50,200
Speaker 1: so you could find just about anything on Google, but

666
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,160
Speaker 1: like it may or may not be true, It depends

667
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:57,279
Speaker 1: on the source. So you know, sometimes with some of

668
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:00,960
Speaker 1: these dating experts, like the male ones that are giving

669
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:06,439
Speaker 1: advice to women, sometimes it feels extremely misogynistic to me.

670
00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:09,600
Speaker 1: And it does come from a place of you know,

671
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:13,400
Speaker 1: like you said, there's there's something wrong with you, and

672
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:18,440
Speaker 1: it sometimes feels like there's no ownership or responsibility, you know,

673
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:22,279
Speaker 1: for for both sides. Like no one person is ever

674
00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:25,480
Speaker 1: always wrong. You're never always wrong and you're never always right.

675
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:27,960
Speaker 1: The truth is generally somewhere in the middle. So I

676
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:32,080
Speaker 1: would just encourage people to be very aware of the source.

677
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:34,480
Speaker 1: And again not only be aware of the source, but

678
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:38,080
Speaker 1: like what is the sources motivation for the information? What

679
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,319
Speaker 1: is the sources situation? So take take it with a

680
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,600
Speaker 1: grain of salt. So I'd love to know if there

681
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:49,080
Speaker 1: are any resources that you find yourself recommending frequently, any books, podcasts, movies,

682
00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:53,880
Speaker 1: anything that you find yourself suggesting to clients. Yeah, so

683
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:56,480
Speaker 1: a couple of my favorite books are well the five

684
00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:58,960
Speaker 1: level languages. I think that's always important to just know

685
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 1: your love language one going into a relationship and being

686
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:03,840
Speaker 1: able to share that with your partner. Another book I

687
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,800
Speaker 1: really like is Attached to figure out what your attachment

688
00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:10,000
Speaker 1: style is. And I also really like deepok Tropra the

689
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,440
Speaker 1: Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, and so yeah, those are

690
00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:16,000
Speaker 1: some of my favorites. There's a couple of different games

691
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:19,720
Speaker 1: that I like to play, like card games. So there's

692
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:24,040
Speaker 1: one by the Gottman Institute that are called Gottman Cards.

693
00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:27,839
Speaker 1: But they have various questions at different levels of a relationship.

694
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:30,960
Speaker 1: So some are you know, very casual and just ask

695
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,319
Speaker 1: like basic sort of questions. Some go a little bit

696
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,200
Speaker 1: deeper and ask about specific needs and things like that.

697
00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,000
Speaker 1: But I think these are always fun to do because

698
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:41,440
Speaker 1: it's under the guys of a game, but it's also

699
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:44,799
Speaker 1: very revealing in an easy way to get to know

700
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,000
Speaker 1: somebody without again, you know, if you're feeling like I

701
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:49,399
Speaker 1: don't want to ask those types of questions, you pose

702
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:51,560
Speaker 1: it as a let's play this fun game, and then

703
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,960
Speaker 1: you're learning a lot more about them and diving into

704
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,400
Speaker 1: their personality and figuring out if you guys are in

705
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:59,319
Speaker 1: fact compatible. Nice. Yeah, You really can't go wrong with

706
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,319
Speaker 1: any of these suggestions. These are all things that lots

707
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:04,840
Speaker 1: of the guests on the podcast have talked about before,

708
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:08,040
Speaker 1: and definitely with the got my cards, those are great

709
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:11,759
Speaker 1: for very it feels very unassuming, but you actually get

710
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 1: some really really great conversation out of those kinds of topics,

711
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 1: right exactly. So, Tunisia, can you tell us where we

712
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,600
Speaker 1: can find you for anybody who maybe wants to use

713
00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:23,240
Speaker 1: your services, So your website as well as any social

714
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:26,280
Speaker 1: media handles you'd like to share. Yeah, So my website

715
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,080
Speaker 1: is Tanisha Wood dot com. That's t E N N

716
00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:32,520
Speaker 1: E s h A w O O D dot com.

717
00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:35,600
Speaker 1: And my Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and all that

718
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,960
Speaker 1: is at Tanisha Wood as well. And I also do

719
00:38:39,040 --> 00:38:42,040
Speaker 1: have a podcast about dating and relationships and love called

720
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:45,360
Speaker 1: DRL Podcast, So that's on my website as well. And

721
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:49,200
Speaker 1: I would like to offer to the listeners discount on

722
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 1: my matchmaking services if they enter in the form that

723
00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:55,080
Speaker 1: they heard about the room list on Therapy for Black

724
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:57,480
Speaker 1: Girls Perfect. So we will include all of that in

725
00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:59,719
Speaker 1: the show notes for anybody who wants to look into

726
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,040
Speaker 1: that at and hopefully connect with you for your services.

727
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,640
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for offering that for the community. Awesome,

728
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:08,359
Speaker 1: thank you perfect, Yeah, that would be great. People love

729
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:10,760
Speaker 1: a discount code. Well, thank you so much for sharing

730
00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:12,920
Speaker 1: all of this with us, t Niche, I really appreciate it.

731
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,080
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me. This is really great.

732
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:17,400
Speaker 1: I was super excited to be here, so I appreciate that.

733
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:22,799
Speaker 1: I'm so glad Tunisia was able to share her expertise

734
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:25,840
Speaker 1: with us today. To learn more about her and her work,

735
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,919
Speaker 1: aren't to grab that discount code, be sure to visit

736
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,400
Speaker 1: the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

737
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 1: slash Session one, and please text two Systems right now

738
00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:38,640
Speaker 1: and tell them to check out the episode. If you're

739
00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:41,279
Speaker 1: looking for a therapist in your area, be sure to

740
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 1: check out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls

741
00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:48,320
Speaker 1: dot com slash directory. If you want to continue digging

742
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:51,080
Speaker 1: into this topic and connect with some other sisters in

743
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,480
Speaker 1: your area, come on over and join us in the

744
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,160
Speaker 1: Yellow College Collective, where we take a deeper dive into

745
00:39:56,239 --> 00:39:59,520
Speaker 1: the topics from the podcast and just about everything else.

746
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 1: You can join us at Therapy for Black Girls dot

747
00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:05,279
Speaker 1: com slash y c C. Thank you all so much

748
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,799
Speaker 1: for joining me again. This week. I look forward to

749
00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 1: continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,