WEBVTT - 7 Signs Your Marriage/Relationship May Be Over 0:00:02.160 --> 0:00:05.680 Hey, that folks, it is Saturday, August eighth, And how 0:00:06.000 --> 0:00:13.400 is your marriage going? The past year? Things been quiet, calm, cool, peaceful, 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:18.000 all good. Well, yeah, your relationship is probably over. And 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:20.400 with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ, 0:00:20.720 --> 0:00:26.520 where Robes has tracked down signs that your marriage is 0:00:26.600 --> 0:00:29.280 what at its end or heading towards its end? What's 0:00:29.280 --> 0:00:30.280 the right way to put their. 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:32.320 Or but they just kind of put it out there. 0:00:32.360 --> 0:00:34.080 Seven signs your marriage is over. 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:35.680 It is over over. 0:00:36.320 --> 0:00:38.280 I haven't seen all seven. You've given me a hint 0:00:38.320 --> 0:00:40.280 on one of them, but I haven't seen all seven. 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:44.199 So I'll ask you, first of all, you agree with 0:00:44.240 --> 0:00:44.680 all of them? 0:00:45.040 --> 0:00:45.440 I do. 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:48.559 And what was interesting to me, because look, anyone who 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:52.600 has been in a failed relationship, or even if unfortunately 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:56.440 you failed, you know what You're right if you've experienced 0:00:56.800 --> 0:01:00.400 the end of a relationship, the end of a marriage. 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:02.760 Look, a lot of times. 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:05.160 I don't know if everyone listening is like me, but 0:01:05.720 --> 0:01:08.800 I do. I was googling stuff, I was searching stuff. 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:11.680 I was trying to figure out why I was feeling, 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:13.760 how I was feeling, if anyone else had been in 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:17.920 the same boat. And so to see some of these signs. 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:20.600 It struck a nerve with me because I think I 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:25.400 would have liked to have known, at least feeling validated 0:01:25.520 --> 0:01:28.720 that what I thought was happening was actually happening. And 0:01:28.760 --> 0:01:32.200 there are some signs you don't necessarily equate with an 0:01:32.360 --> 0:01:36.080 ending relationship or an ending marriage, And this first one 0:01:36.680 --> 0:01:39.800 is that the last year of your marriage, and I 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:42.160 think you can apply this to even a relationship is 0:01:42.280 --> 0:01:48.680 frequently the calmest one on record. Marriages relationships don't typically 0:01:48.840 --> 0:01:56.320 die in a passionate ending. It usually is a quiet, slow. 0:01:56.240 --> 0:01:58.880 Sad release, and we don't even see it happening. 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:01.200 Look, obviously there are pep people who have the big 0:02:01.280 --> 0:02:04.120 arguments and it blows up and it's explosive, but I 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:06.160 think most people think about marriages ending, and they think 0:02:06.160 --> 0:02:10.280 about infidelity, and they think about shouting matches, and maybe 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:14.360 it's what we see depicted in entertainment, but the reality is, 0:02:14.520 --> 0:02:17.359 according to this article and a lot of experts, very 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:20.480 very different. And maybe that's why sometimes it's so hard 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:23.440 to even see the signs because we have an expectation 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:26.440 that it's going to be some big, fiery exchange where 0:02:26.480 --> 0:02:29.480 you say fu f you and it's over. 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:32.600 I mean you could still. I guess it's possible. Rope. 0:02:32.600 --> 0:02:34.800 That big blow up and that fufu you talk about 0:02:35.280 --> 0:02:37.400 came at the end of a calm year, right and 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:41.360 things finally just blew up in one moment after a 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:44.919 year of calm. That makes sense. It's something you've I've 0:02:44.919 --> 0:02:47.840 heard you talk about forever. It's once you get to 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:51.320 a point of apathy, you just don't care. When you 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:53.639 just check out. You don't care if they come home, 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:56.200 they don't come home, if they pick up the dirty clothes, 0:02:56.240 --> 0:02:59.800 if they don't give no damn yes about what's going on. 0:03:00.160 --> 0:03:03.560 Learn when you go through a massive breakup that the 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:06.200 opposite of love is apathy. 0:03:06.400 --> 0:03:07.880 It's not hate. 0:03:07.960 --> 0:03:10.720 It's not anger. Hate and anger imply that you still 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:14.919 give a damn. When you are apathetic and you're calm 0:03:14.960 --> 0:03:18.480 and you don't give a shit, that is when it's over. 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:21.280 My pastor used to always I think I've told you 0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:23.760 know what, doctor Ashton. I remember telling her this in particular, 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:28.000 is my pastor compared it to having a car wreck. 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:31.120 And if you have a bad car accident and you're 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:38.280 an excruciating pain, congratulations, you still feel something. You can steal. 0:03:38.880 --> 0:03:43.000 Feel if you have an accident and you can't feel 0:03:43.000 --> 0:03:45.720 your extremities in your body, now you're in trouble. It's over. 0:03:45.800 --> 0:03:49.600 You're paralyzed, it's done. He always can use that comparison 0:03:49.640 --> 0:03:53.400 to a relationship. If something happens and you feel nothing. 0:03:53.880 --> 0:03:57.160 That's a sign it's over. Yeah, that is true. 0:03:57.280 --> 0:04:00.160 And oftentimes I feel like, at least this is in 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:03.720 my experience. The biggest mistake I have made is not 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:08.760 leaving sooner. It's it's just staying because it's comfortable, staying 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:11.520 because it's scary, not to staying. 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:12.800 Because of the fear of the unknown. 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:16.160 But knowing deep down and having that acknowledgement, maybe you're 0:04:16.160 --> 0:04:18.080 waiting for the big fight. You're waiting for that moment 0:04:18.080 --> 0:04:21.080 where you can say, aha, here's the reason why. 0:04:21.279 --> 0:04:23.520 And sometimes you're waiting for an excusing y'all. Sometimes you're 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:25.080 waiting for the other one to make the move so 0:04:25.120 --> 0:04:26.960 you don't have to. It's so true, like a relief. 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:31.120 Oh my god, exactly this, And I just if anyone's listening, 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:34.119 I just like, you're not alone, and so many people 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:36.320 have experienced this, and so yes, go ahead, you say 0:04:36.360 --> 0:04:36.760 there were. 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:38.360 Seven on the list, Ye you started with that one. 0:04:38.600 --> 0:04:40.200 I wanted to ask you before you started with the 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:42.479 seven any of these apply to us right now? 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:45.080 You know what, It's so funny you say that because 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:48.559 I did look at these seven signs and I tried 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:53.000 to see if any of them is applicable to our relationship. 0:04:53.000 --> 0:04:55.520 And I was kind of looking at it nervously. And 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:58.960 the answer is thankfully, no. Really, we do not fit 0:04:59.000 --> 0:05:02.120 any of these with you, I think. So, I mean, 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:05.320 look like, obviously we don't have a perfect relationship. 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:05.960 Nobody does. 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:08.039 We have our issues we have and we know what 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:11.479 they are, but it's certainly not about not caring. And look, 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:13.240 I thought it was so like, this is what got me. 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:16.400 This article started out with nobody slams the door, the 0:05:16.480 --> 0:05:20.560 house runs on time, friends comment on how settled things seem, 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:26.200 but what replaces the fighting is difficult to see. And 0:05:26.480 --> 0:05:30.440 I think that is where that murky moment where you 0:05:30.560 --> 0:05:33.200 don't know what to do and yes you do become paralyzed, 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:36.960 but that's a sign. That's a sign. Okay, So here's 0:05:36.960 --> 0:05:40.280 the first one. The arguing stop. Well, yeah, I mean 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:43.239 it is basically it's quite yes, I'm just the line 0:05:43.320 --> 0:05:44.200 was the arguing stops. 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:48.719 Okay, but nothing gets built in its place. So when 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:50.599 you stop complaining, when. 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:53.159 You stop saying this is bothering me to the other person, 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:56.839 when you stop doing all of that, that's a sign 0:05:56.839 --> 0:05:59.840 that your relationship is over. Because if you're going to 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:03.000 somebody and saying this bothers me, that implies there's a 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:06.000 future in which you want something to be fixed, which 0:06:06.040 --> 0:06:08.919 you want things to get better because you have a future. 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:12.080 When you stop telling the person what they're doing is 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:17.320 bothering you, that implies you don't care about what happens next. 0:06:18.080 --> 0:06:20.159 That's a huge I never thought about it like that. 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:23.559 Yeah, I'm not gonna have to deal with this much longer. 0:06:23.600 --> 0:06:26.039 Why are your bodies or I just don't care. 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:30.200 He can do whatever he wants. That doesn't bother me. Okay. 0:06:30.320 --> 0:06:36.039 Number two, Every conversation is about logistics, and it's been 0:06:36.120 --> 0:06:39.480 that way longer than you realize. What are we doing today? 0:06:39.920 --> 0:06:42.400 Are we going to your mom's house? What's happening for Thanksgiving? 0:06:42.560 --> 0:06:48.080 What's the weekend? All of your conversations are solely about logistics. 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:52.240 That's us, That is not us, that's what I would. 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:55.600 You talk about logistics? A lot of it's not the 0:06:55.640 --> 0:06:56.640 only thing we talk. 0:06:56.520 --> 0:07:01.320 About about, all right, come on. For the past month especially, 0:07:01.320 --> 0:07:04.400 it has been a lot of coordinating kids and homes 0:07:04.440 --> 0:07:09.120 and work and meetings, and it's been a lot. And 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:11.840 every time I was doing it before we even started here, 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:15.040 what's the plan today? When are you heading out? What 0:07:15.160 --> 0:07:16.080 time is this happening? 0:07:16.160 --> 0:07:17.559 And to say that you won't. 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:20.440 Of course, every couple has to talk about logistics. But 0:07:20.480 --> 0:07:23.560 you don't think we talk about anything else. You're so 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:27.760 full of it. But they cite a survey of divorcing couples. 0:07:28.080 --> 0:07:31.560 I thought this was interesting. The two most commonly cited 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:36.000 reasons for divorce. Fifty five percent of people said it 0:07:36.080 --> 0:07:39.040 was growing apart, and that means, yes, you have nothing 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:41.960 else in common, nothing else to talk about, no shared 0:07:42.040 --> 0:07:46.880 experiences fifty five percent, and fifty three percent was not 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:51.560 being able to talk together, just about life, about your feelings. 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:54.440 Sometimes make those numbers match. It was over one hundred percent. 0:07:54.520 --> 0:07:57.480 Oh well, there were there were different The two most 0:07:57.560 --> 0:08:00.320 commonly so there were sighted got what I'm saying, Yes, 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:04.280 so yes, it's it wasn't of the yes the matter here, no, no, no, 0:08:04.560 --> 0:08:07.360 there's Those were the two most commonly cided reasons growing 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:10.600 apart fifty five percent and not being able to talk 0:08:10.640 --> 0:08:13.560 to each other fifty three percent. And then I don't 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:15.800 know the exact number, but they just noted that infidelity 0:08:16.000 --> 0:08:19.280 was well behind, like much lower than you would think. 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:21.920 And I would say that's probably a symptom of the 0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.160 other two problems. If you stay in it long enough 0:08:24.200 --> 0:08:26.160 and you have grown apart and you can't talk to 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:31.280 one another, infidelity is likely to happen when that continues 0:08:31.320 --> 0:08:32.160 on for longer. 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:32.400 Than it should. 0:08:32.480 --> 0:08:35.880 Isn't that crazy? Grown folks understand that about marriage and 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:40.400 relationships adults. Anybody's been through anything grown, and there's a 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:44.280 difference between being an adult and being grown. Grown folks 0:08:45.200 --> 0:08:50.480 understand this, But in public those discussions, we always need 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:53.280 to hear an immediate who did something. 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:55.120 He must have cheated, she must be. 0:08:55.320 --> 0:08:58.400 Trade something, something had to of what is it? 0:08:58.400 --> 0:08:59.559 It's not the case. 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:02.640 Grown folks know that, and anyone who's been in a 0:09:02.679 --> 0:09:07.560 marriage long term understands that the growing apart and the 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:10.959 non communication leads to the other things that you then 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:13.319 point to as the reason why the marriage fell apart. 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:16.040 But that has nothing to do with why the marriage 0:09:16.080 --> 0:09:19.440 fell apart. That was a symptom of the marriage falling apart. 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:21.760 And I do understand that now. When I was younger, 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:22.120 I did not. 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:28.440 It requires both parties to take responsibility something that's happened 0:09:28.440 --> 0:09:32.200 in the relationship. Then one person ultimately does some dumb 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:34.839 shit at the end and you can then say, aha, 0:09:35.120 --> 0:09:37.400 you and that's not really now. 0:09:37.400 --> 0:09:39.720 Look, there are people who have sex addictions and some 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:42.720 people who love their spouses and can't help themselves, and 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:46.080 that's a whole other issue, or just make bad decisions, 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.000 poor impulse control. 0:09:48.400 --> 0:09:49.240 That exists too. 0:09:49.280 --> 0:09:52.040 So I'm not saying that that doesn't happen, but in 0:09:52.200 --> 0:09:56.320 a large amount of cases, it's the fact that you 0:09:56.400 --> 0:10:00.920 were not talking to each other about real things. You're 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:04.240 just focused on daily chores, et cetera. 0:10:05.120 --> 0:10:05.839 All right, yeah, we. 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:07.679 Need to keep an eye on that one. Do we 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:09.359 have a lot going on, babe. 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:09.679 And we do. 0:10:10.320 --> 0:10:12.760 We work together too, and that is a danger and 0:10:12.800 --> 0:10:15.040 you and I have both talked about that sometimes when 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:17.600 we go to lunch. We have working lunches, but there 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:19.560 have been moments when we say, hey, and maybe I 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:21.080 think we should do this on the weekends. 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:22.679 Even once we're done with work. 0:10:22.960 --> 0:10:25.680 We don't talk about work on Saturday, like we have 0:10:25.720 --> 0:10:28.320 a day where we just say, we don't talk about work, 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:30.720 we just have fun and talk about each other. 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:35.480 All right, Number three, this is your third sign. 0:10:36.200 --> 0:10:40.559 The small bids for attention stop getting answered and then 0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:41.800 stop getting made. 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:43.600 So for here's an example. 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:46.720 You know, I'm probably annoying you when I'm like, hey, 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:48.520 look at this did you see what she posted? Or 0:10:48.520 --> 0:10:50.880 look at this TikTok video that Ava sent me, or 0:10:51.080 --> 0:10:53.400 look at that guy on the news. Something we see, 0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:56.120 something we notice, we share with one another because we 0:10:56.160 --> 0:10:57.520 want to experience it together. 0:10:57.720 --> 0:11:00.560 You and I do that definitely, multiple time times a day. 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:05.800 Yes, and I've told you this before. I never was 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:07.880 one of the most attractive things about you is that 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:12.240 you get You have a childlike exuberance and excitement about 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:16.120 little things. I don't have that about even big things. 0:11:16.240 --> 0:11:18.679 Sometimes I'm not a giddy school boy about a lot 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:23.360 of stuff. So I don't ever want to feel or 0:11:24.000 --> 0:11:26.400 seem like I am putting any kind of a damper 0:11:27.080 --> 0:11:31.480 on what I see as you genuinely being excited about stuff. 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:33.680 I last night was like, look at the orange sky, 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:35.079 look at the look at the moon. 0:11:35.280 --> 0:11:37.720 I'm always take a look over I always take a 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:40.160 look at the phone. And sometimes I'll roll my eyes 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:42.840 and I say, okay, baby, what is that? But that 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:44.600 is I understand what you're saying when you. 0:11:44.600 --> 0:11:48.480 Said, so here's the deal there. These are seemingly insignificant. 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:52.680 I thought this was so interesting, seemingly insignificant throwaway lines 0:11:52.720 --> 0:11:54.040 that babe, look. 0:11:53.880 --> 0:11:54.400 At the moon. 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:58.160 The only question is whether the other person looks up. 0:11:59.120 --> 0:12:03.040 When you are cited and sharing something silly, insignificant with 0:12:03.080 --> 0:12:05.880 your partner, and they don't look up, they don't care. 0:12:06.360 --> 0:12:08.800 That is a sign and all that you need to 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:10.720 do is look up and be a part of it. 0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:15.400 But that speaks volumes because that small little wanting to 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:20.120 share means I want to I'm connecting with you. But 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:24.920 once you stop getting any sort of reception from those excited, small, 0:12:25.080 --> 0:12:29.240 seemingly small bids for attention, you just stop making them stop. 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.880 You stop engaging your partner, and then you start doing 0:12:32.920 --> 0:12:35.120 it to someone else. You start giving like it but 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:37.520 it seems so small, But they say, that's actually a 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:38.160 big sign. 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:39.959 But you do it to me too. 0:12:40.000 --> 0:12:42.079 You're like, babe, like I'll say, I'll go out of 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:44.000 the room, and something happened on the news, and there 0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:46.640 was some funny interaction. You'll pause it and be like, babe, 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:49.199 come here, you got to see this. So you might 0:12:49.240 --> 0:12:53.720 not share nature or seeing a golden sunset or a moon. 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:56.079 With me, but you share other things that get you all. 0:12:56.960 --> 0:12:58.640 So we do this every. 0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:01.120 Day, multiple times, day long. 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:05.320 Absolutely, But I think it's good to remember that responding 0:13:05.440 --> 0:13:08.640 and engaging is a part of that connection. And I 0:13:08.720 --> 0:13:12.000 never even thought about those little, tiny exchanges as being 0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:15.480 a big part of our relationship. And I start thinking 0:13:15.480 --> 0:13:19.040 about other relationships and think, oh wow, yeah, you stop sharing, 0:13:19.559 --> 0:13:24.280 you stop engaging in those little, small, seemingly mindless moments. 0:13:24.320 --> 0:13:25.720 And this is why I had such a big problem 0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:28.240 with your airport divorce thing that you brought to me 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:32.079 not long ago, the idea that couples split at the airport, 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:33.960 go do their own thing, and then meet at the plane. 0:13:34.240 --> 0:13:37.880 That's what you're talking about with these little things. You're 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:42.400 so excited about something, something has brought you joy, So 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:44.080 what do you want to do? I want to share 0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:47.200 that with the person I love. That's a very simple 0:13:47.280 --> 0:13:48.720 concept that should be natural. 0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:48.920 Rod. 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:52.480 There's no I go to things with my boys. Sometimes 0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:56.280 I go to concerts. I go to every wonderful experience 0:13:56.320 --> 0:13:58.280 I have. I can't think of one in which I 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:01.280 don't want you there and to share it. I'm really 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:03.280 sitting here trying to think of one. There's some things 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:05.160 where you just can't go to with me and my boys. 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:09.280 But even when you're with your boys, you're texting me, oh, 0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:11.000 you got to see this, like I wish you were 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:12.800 here whatever, like, And those are the moments. 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:18.760 Okay, number four, This is huge And this really resonated 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:21.520 with me because I look back at former relationships and 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:25.320 I think, holy hell, this was in place for a while. 0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:31.400 Your good news starts finding a different audience. First the promotion, 0:14:31.640 --> 0:14:34.080 the funny thing that happened at work, the small win, 0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:37.520 something exciting or positive that happened to you throughout the day. 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:41.160 You start taking it to your sister, to your best friend, 0:14:41.320 --> 0:14:44.880 to a coworker, to a group chat, and your spouse 0:14:45.520 --> 0:14:47.720 is one of the last people you tell, if you 0:14:47.720 --> 0:14:52.080 tell them at all. That is huge and I absolutely 0:14:52.440 --> 0:14:55.920 recognized that that was happening in my relationship. 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:59.720 I think that's one that folks, that's an important one 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:01.960 you ask yourself that you might not realize you're doing. 0:15:02.440 --> 0:15:04.560 Like if you stop and think I'm thinking about previous 0:15:04.600 --> 0:15:08.120 relationships and things that happened that years later. I didn't 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:10.720 even realize that the person I was with didn't know 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:13.280 like way, I didn't tell you that. It was kind 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:14.160 of a big moment for me. 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:16.560 And you should ask yourself why, why not? Why? 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:18.760 And we have other people around knew about it, and 0:15:18.800 --> 0:15:23.200 I talked about it and sought help for things. Even Yeah, 0:15:22.280 --> 0:15:25.720 that's a big one. I think that can get overlooked. 0:15:25.960 --> 0:15:28.440 Absolutely all right, when we come back, we have got 0:15:28.760 --> 0:15:32.840 three more. These are so fascinating and everyone who is 0:15:32.880 --> 0:15:35.720 in a marriage and a relationship needs to stay tuned. 0:15:45.040 --> 0:15:47.640 Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. We are going 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:51.680 over some fascinating signs that everyone in a marriage or 0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:55.320 a relationship needs to pay attention to, because, according to 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:59.560 a couple experts, these are the signs that your marriage 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:04.600 may be over. So the fifth sign your future is 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:09.479 described in the singular and nobody flinches. They said, pronouns 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:12.120 are everything. So instead of saying we're gonna do this, 0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:16.720 what are we doing us hour? When people constantly use 0:16:17.040 --> 0:16:20.960 us an hour, that is a positive sign that yes, 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:27.480 you are talking about being together now and in the future. 0:16:27.680 --> 0:16:31.120 But if you start noticing you or your partner is saying. 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:34.280 I me like, it's funny. I know you're teasing, but 0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:36.960 I actually flinch when you say, what are you doing today? 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:39.000 What are your plans today? And I know you're just 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:41.320 trying to ask me what I have on my agenda 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:44.200 so you can work around our agenda with what I 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:46.520 want to do. But it's so funny even hearing you 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:49.080 ask me what are you doing? Or what do you 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:51.080 want for lunch? I'm like, what are we doing? What 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:53.400 do we want for lunch? Like it's funny how that 0:16:53.520 --> 0:16:58.680 singular plural excuse me, that singular pronoun can actually like 0:16:58.800 --> 0:16:59.720 make my chest tighten? 0:17:00.560 --> 0:17:01.200 Isn't that wild? 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:03.600 Okay, Okay, I'll stop doing it. I'm doing it. I 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:04.200 do it on purpose. 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:06.480 I know you do. Like I know, I know you're 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:08.800 doing it. You're making a choice and you're kind of 0:17:09.119 --> 0:17:09.719 you're teasing. 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:13.720 It's with malice, yes, but that's kind of how we roll. 0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:14.439 I get that. 0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:16.320 That's like, you know what, that's like friend vibes, Like 0:17:16.359 --> 0:17:18.240 when we were friends, you would like poke me like that, 0:17:18.640 --> 0:17:22.119 and you still do it even though we are yes engaged, 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:24.919 But it's funny, Like I always I recognize it and 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:27.560 I laugh, but I actually look at it as a wow, 0:17:27.720 --> 0:17:30.440 I really really want to be with this guy. Like 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:34.280 it bothers me. When he says that, I think. So 0:17:34.440 --> 0:17:38.400 if it doesn't bother you, that's the problem. When nobody flinches, 0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:40.920 that's when you have your warning sign. Everybody will say 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:44.399 I me whatever. But if for some reason it doesn't 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:46.600 hit a nerve with you, that's a sign. 0:17:49.000 --> 0:17:51.440 I can say that. If it doesn't strike a nerve, 0:17:51.520 --> 0:17:53.680 that's the one you wouldn't even pay attention to because 0:17:53.720 --> 0:17:55.520 it doesn't bother you to hear it, and you don't 0:17:55.560 --> 0:17:58.600 realize not bothering, not being bothered is actually a problem. 0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:01.320 Yes, the future, it gets disc in this singular and 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:05.680 nobody flinches. That is your fifth warning sign. All right, 0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:10.400 this is crazy number six. And this is a telltale 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:16.680 sign Affection drains out while everything stays exactly the same. 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:20.359 So there is this study that followed newlyweds for thirteen years. 0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:23.199 This is what they're sighting, okay, and they say what 0:18:23.440 --> 0:18:30.240 separated the couples headed for divorce was disillusionment, an abatement 0:18:30.240 --> 0:18:34.240 of love, a decline in overt affection, a fading conviction 0:18:34.359 --> 0:18:37.680 that one's spouse is responsive and rising ambivalence. Okay, that's 0:18:37.720 --> 0:18:40.560 what they described it as this right, but here's how 0:18:40.640 --> 0:18:42.800 they actually put it in Layman's terms. I thought this 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:46.240 was so cool. Think about this. Wow, this reminds me 0:18:46.280 --> 0:18:48.840 of us so much so. When you're in the kitchen, 0:18:49.560 --> 0:18:52.359 does your spouse, when he walks by you or she 0:18:52.480 --> 0:18:56.080 walks by you, just put his or her hand on 0:18:56.119 --> 0:18:59.040 your back, just touches you as they're passing you when 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:00.200 they go past your seat. 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:03.040 When you're seated, do they squeeze your arm? Do they 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:03.760 give you a kiss? 0:19:03.800 --> 0:19:08.680 Do they just touch you that disappears the goodbye kiss 0:19:08.760 --> 0:19:15.440 might stay. So the obligatory uh seriously, the obligatory affection, 0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:18.919 kissing someone goodbye, saying I love you at the end, 0:19:19.240 --> 0:19:20.920 all of that is kind of obligatory. 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:23.200 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's the little. 0:19:23.040 --> 0:19:26.200 Tiny moments when you have an opportunity when it's not obligatory. 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:28.920 Do you touch your partner? Do you show affection when 0:19:28.920 --> 0:19:32.360 it's not required or not expected? That is a telltale 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:34.959 sign that your marriage is in a good place. If 0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:40.560 that isn't happening, that is a warning sign. Wow, when 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:43.280 you get up and you just touch me, I'm telling you. 0:19:43.640 --> 0:19:48.600 My entire body chemistry changes this. 0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:52.440 I swear you've complained before about me touching you too much, 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:54.760 like I do not walk past you without touching. I 0:19:54.800 --> 0:19:56.440 love when you touch it in the house, I don't. 0:19:56.800 --> 0:19:59.600 I love it every time going, certainly in the kitchen 0:19:59.600 --> 0:20:01.560 and walking by. There have been time. I don't know 0:20:01.600 --> 0:20:03.600 if you've seen it, but our studio is set up 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:05.280 here at the house to where your back is to 0:20:05.359 --> 0:20:09.760 the door the entrance to the studio here, so I 0:20:09.800 --> 0:20:11.439 have to walk past you to leave, and I'll be 0:20:11.440 --> 0:20:13.320 going to get a drink or something. I have walked 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:16.400 out of the room afoot it turned around and came 0:20:16.480 --> 0:20:18.520 back and gave you a kiss on the neck because 0:20:18.600 --> 0:20:19.240 I didn't do it. 0:20:19.800 --> 0:20:23.080 And I loved it, and it wasn't obligatory. But it's 0:20:23.119 --> 0:20:24.640 just showing I care about you. 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:25.159 I love you. 0:20:25.240 --> 0:20:27.639 So yeah, it actually made me want to cry to 0:20:27.720 --> 0:20:31.120 think about that disappearing. So the hand on the back 0:20:31.200 --> 0:20:34.840 passing in the kitchen disappears, while the goodbye kiss stays 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:37.600 on schedule. So yeah, So if it's just duty and 0:20:37.640 --> 0:20:40.720