WEBVTT - Let's Make Nice 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:07.640 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast. Okay, 0:00:07.760 --> 0:00:11.520 welcome to wind Down. Um, how is everyone's fourth of July? 0:00:16.960 --> 0:00:18.640 I go, I just wait to be called on. That's 0:00:18.640 --> 0:00:22.200 all I do. I it was good. It was good. Um. 0:00:22.440 --> 0:00:25.079 You know, we they do this really cute fireworks show 0:00:25.160 --> 0:00:28.920 in in my village, Minroevia, California. And we realized we've 0:00:28.920 --> 0:00:30.880 lived here for three years. We realized we could watch 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:34.559 it from our backyard this year. So every other year 0:00:34.560 --> 0:00:37.440 we go downtown and like steak out a good spot everything, 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:38.880 and then this year we're like, oh, we can just 0:00:38.920 --> 0:00:40.959 see this from the back porch. So that is what 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:44.320 we did. Um. It was really nice and uh and 0:00:44.360 --> 0:00:47.280 we barbecued, just my wife and I and uh, yeah, 0:00:47.280 --> 0:00:50.240 I had a good time. Oh I love that, Riley. 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:53.800 What about you? Ben? Yeah, just hung out with some friends. 0:00:53.840 --> 0:00:55.240 We went on to the beach for a little bit 0:00:55.280 --> 0:00:58.840 before I got crazy. Um, it's always crazy at the 0:00:58.840 --> 0:01:01.560 beach around here, so we want to get there early. Um. 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:04.520 And then fireworks were popping. This year, I felt like 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:07.840 everybody had a need for fireworks and so it was 0:01:07.920 --> 0:01:09.960 just it was crazy. But I think it was nice 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:11.759 to just sit with friends like you know, we haven't 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:14.640 seen in a while, and watch the fireworks in the summer. 0:01:14.760 --> 0:01:16.720 So it was perfect. Yeah, I feel like it's one 0:01:16.720 --> 0:01:19.800 of those things where it's like we're free, Like its 0:01:19.880 --> 0:01:23.720 like everyone's just like throwing like because even on because 0:01:23.760 --> 0:01:28.240 I went up north to Michigan and um, which I 0:01:28.280 --> 0:01:31.160 honestly didn't know how I was going to feel because 0:01:31.200 --> 0:01:33.280 the last two fourth of July as we r vied 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:38.119 and it was like this big like family vacation and um, 0:01:38.200 --> 0:01:40.040 and so I at first I was like, oh, man, 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:42.960 like in the up North Michigan is like my happy place. 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:48.080 It's my like whenever I have anxiety, it's it's like 0:01:48.080 --> 0:01:49.920 the one thing where my therapist like when we always 0:01:49.920 --> 0:01:51.560 talking about like when I was trying to like work 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:53.560 on anxiety there like pick a place that like it 0:01:53.600 --> 0:01:55.720 just brings you so much serenity and so much peace. 0:01:55.760 --> 0:01:57.640 And so I was like, well, up North Michigan like 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:00.560 no matter what, like just sitting on at like like 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:04.160 there's something like I'm I'm a percent me. I'm like 0:02:04.400 --> 0:02:06.400 I'm not trying to be anything. I'm not like I'm 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:09.280 just like so carefree up there and just at peace 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:12.760 and so that's always like my happy place, and I'm like, shoot, 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:14.520 like I hope I don't go up there and it's 0:02:14.600 --> 0:02:16.960 ruined or it's like tampered because of like the memories 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:19.200 that I had with you know, my acts and the kids. 0:02:20.120 --> 0:02:23.280 And it was like probably the best trip I've ever 0:02:23.320 --> 0:02:28.120 had now, Yeah it was. It was a little challenging, 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:33.000 you know, because you know, um first like single mom 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:36.480 vacation and flying with them and um, but it was 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:40.880 so you know sweet too because my my cousin Jessica 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:44.760 texted me was like you know, her and her Eric, 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:46.680 my cousin were talking and they were like, it was 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:48.919 so cool to see you just like kill the single 0:02:48.960 --> 0:02:51.600 momb game up north, and and I was kind of like, yeah, 0:02:51.720 --> 0:02:53.920 like I did. Like I was like, you know, I'm 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:55.880 sure there was moments where I'm like I could really 0:02:55.960 --> 0:02:59.880 use an extra set of hands here, but like which 0:02:59.880 --> 0:03:01.400 I just made it work, and it was just like, 0:03:01.440 --> 0:03:03.320 oh wow, this is like I can do it. Like 0:03:03.360 --> 0:03:05.600 I did it, and it was and we all survived 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:08.400 and we had a really fun time and there was 0:03:08.480 --> 0:03:11.000 no stress to no like fight. It was just like 0:03:11.720 --> 0:03:15.040 it was so relaxing, which I'd never thought I would 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:16.359 say I thought it was just going to be like, 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:20.560 you know, sad, and but and then the fireworks show. 0:03:20.600 --> 0:03:23.200 I mean Jay slept like last the year before that, 0:03:23.280 --> 0:03:25.120 like he like he hated the fireworks. So it's like 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:27.520 I was able to watch the fireworks and just like 0:03:28.000 --> 0:03:30.320 truly enjoy myself. And it was one of those moments 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:32.320 where I was like, fireworks, I don't know why, why 0:03:32.360 --> 0:03:34.720 would they always make me cry? Like I'm just like 0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:38.680 just there's something about like I'm like, oh, like something 0:03:38.800 --> 0:03:41.520 so free about fireworks, And so I was like crying 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:43.200 and then I was, but it wasn't crying from like 0:03:43.200 --> 0:03:45.160 a sad place. It was like it was like a 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:49.040 I'm I'm content and I'm happy and it it felt 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:56.640 really nice. So that was my fourth but but yeah, 0:03:56.840 --> 0:04:01.640 and and now I'm heading to Connecticut, uh next week 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:05.880 or actually I'm heading to Connecticut this week to to 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:08.040 film another Christmas movie in Eastern I'm gonna miss you. 0:04:08.080 --> 0:04:10.480 I feel like I almost can you come visit on set? 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:14.160 I mean, if I'm invited, I would love to. I'm 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:15.760 glad you brought that up, Janey, because I saw in 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:18.240 your on your Instagram, which I pay close attention to. 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:21.039 I saw you studying the script aboard a plane, and 0:04:21.080 --> 0:04:23.000 I was, I want to know what we can find 0:04:23.000 --> 0:04:26.160 out about this movie. So that's a Christmas movie. So 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:30.360 it's a Christmas movie. I'm producing it with my co star. Yeah, 0:04:30.400 --> 0:04:34.240 so I'm really excited about it. And we yeah, Jessica, 0:04:34.760 --> 0:04:37.720 she's an amazing writer, and we we kind of all 0:04:37.800 --> 0:04:41.599 came up with the idea and um in the concept 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:44.120 and it's just been it's been really cool to create 0:04:44.160 --> 0:04:47.000 this and I just I can't wait to go film it. 0:04:47.040 --> 0:04:51.880 But I am a I'm like, um, it's like a 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:55.359 flip or Flop show. I'm like, I'm the start of it. 0:04:55.640 --> 0:05:00.480 So um, so that's that's my job. And I, you know, 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:04.800 go back to my hometown and to help save something 0:05:05.040 --> 0:05:11.520 and I run into my my X, which I'm really 0:05:11.560 --> 0:05:13.440 excited about it. So we'll have him on the podcast 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:15.480 and we'll do like the whole announcement on the next 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:17.960 we should do it, Yeah, for the next episode, we'll 0:05:18.000 --> 0:05:21.920 have him mom, and he's awesome. He's such a great actor, 0:05:21.960 --> 0:05:24.400 and I'm just I'm so looking forward to it. And 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:25.840 the kids are going to come with me for the 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:27.760 first week and a half, so it'll be it'll be 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:30.839 really fun. I know that we've really nailed the like 0:05:30.960 --> 0:05:34.359 recording remotely and you know your way around all the gear. 0:05:34.480 --> 0:05:37.279 But but I really think the show would benefit for 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:39.880 from a podcast where I go and run everything for 0:05:39.920 --> 0:05:43.240 you in person. I one thousand percent agree. And I 0:05:43.320 --> 0:05:45.280 was just you know, because I'm in l A at 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:47.280 the moment, and it was nice, like because I was 0:05:47.440 --> 0:05:48.880 kind of a a little sad. I'm like, I missed coming 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.880 in the studio, Like I miss that environment of like 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:55.040 the podcast studio. I know, I haven't seen you in 0:05:55.720 --> 0:05:59.440 like two years. I don't know. I remember last time person. 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:02.159 I think I had a baby belly and I'm like, 0:06:02.200 --> 0:06:04.479 I don't know. Yeah, no, no, yeah, I know I 0:06:04.680 --> 0:06:08.080 had the baby before we left. But yeah, but yeah, 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:11.400 I miss you guys and um, but yes, please come 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:14.680 to Connecticut. It'd be a lot of fun. And I'm 0:06:14.720 --> 0:06:18.800 super excited because we have Dorinda, who is a housewife, 0:06:18.800 --> 0:06:20.719 well she was a housewife, but she's gonna be coming 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:23.920 on the show because she has a book coming out 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:25.880 called Make It Nice. So I'm excited to get her on. 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:42.600 But first, let's take a break. Hey Derenda, Hey there, 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:45.080 how are you? How are you? I'm Janna Kramer. It's 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:48.000 nice to meet you. You're nice to meet you. Where 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:51.160 are you? I am actually in Los Angeles. Where are you? 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:55.360 I am in the Berkshires on a very torn literally 0:06:55.440 --> 0:06:59.520 out stormy. We had a little many tornado here last night. 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:02.960 You had a tornado in Massachusetts. Well, we get these 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:05.680 little mini things. And two of my trees came down 0:07:05.760 --> 0:07:08.359 last night and then knocked out all the electricity, so 0:07:08.400 --> 0:07:11.280 I had it was pitch black. I had no internet, 0:07:11.680 --> 0:07:14.240 and I'm on eighteen acres and you don't know dark 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:18.440 until you've been on eighteen acres. On the Help Buyers, 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:21.280 it was really luckily I have. You know, it's one 0:07:21.280 --> 0:07:23.440 of those things where it's so funny because like six 0:07:23.480 --> 0:07:25.440 months ago, Dane Covid, I was buying like all these 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:27.760 survival kids, you know how we were with Amazon. It's 0:07:27.760 --> 0:07:30.559 just became like out of our minds. So I bought 0:07:30.600 --> 0:07:35.080 all these incredible camp lanterns and I got like twelve 0:07:35.120 --> 0:07:37.080 of them, and I just had them charged in the garage, 0:07:37.120 --> 0:07:39.080 and I've got to tell you they saved our lives 0:07:39.320 --> 0:07:42.000 because it was well, and it's just it's isn't you 0:07:42.040 --> 0:07:44.440 and your daughter? Now it's me and my daughter and 0:07:44.560 --> 0:07:46.880 land my housekeeper. But still the houses. You know, it's 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:49.880 an old nineteen of four house, so it's very rambilly, 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:52.520 you know, it's like a old New England. It's old 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:55.680 Stanford White house and so it's like great during the day, 0:07:55.720 --> 0:07:58.520 but it's sort of you know, listen, the houses sort 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:00.600 of lives and breathe. That is because it's got so 0:08:00.680 --> 0:08:04.280 much history. It used to be easy Stanford White built it. 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:08.800 It's sort of a very sort of storyteller kind of house. Anyway, 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:11.280 so when you add the pitch black to it, it's 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:15.040 like your imagination once. Well, but it was. It's a no, 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:19.280 it really was. Gave me pause to think last night, 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:21.120 like now I'm going to set them up. I thought, 0:08:21.120 --> 0:08:22.520 you know I'm gonna do Now now now I'm gonna set 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:24.360 them up in each hallway so I could just like 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:27.960 if it happens, but what a great investment, but a 0:08:28.040 --> 0:08:31.240 great Yeah, it's funny how that that works out. And 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:38.360 how old your daughter she's okay, so wow, that's gotta 0:08:38.400 --> 0:08:40.400 be really cool because so I have a I have 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:42.600 a five year old daughter, and I've always wonder like, 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:45.800 what our adult relationship is gonna look like? Well, it's 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:48.680 you know what, It's an ever changing thing. And I 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:53.160 think the ultimate, the the apex comes when they have 0:08:53.280 --> 0:08:55.520 their own children. Like even Hannah just heard a dog 0:08:56.080 --> 0:08:58.400 and she's to watch her take care of with dark 0:08:58.480 --> 0:09:00.840 she realizes what you know, how giving you have to be, 0:09:00.920 --> 0:09:03.960 and she's like, oh god, I could see now why. 0:09:04.520 --> 0:09:06.320 I mean I would lift a car for this daughter. 0:09:06.320 --> 0:09:08.160 And I'm like, oh, we can have a baby, but 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:12.240 you don't having I think especially I don't know other 0:09:12.280 --> 0:09:14.719 than a daughter. But for me, I have a very 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:17.520 strong relationship and a very strong bound with UM. And 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:20.000 talked about that with my mother, and it's kind of 0:09:20.040 --> 0:09:23.120 invisible string that I truly believe, because I believe things 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:25.320 are sort of connected by the soul and not by 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:28.640 the body, you know, UM. And I think I learned 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:31.400 more about that after Richard died. I chose to learn 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:34.720 more about that. But it's an ever changing thing with 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:38.000 the daughter because you want as a woman to be 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:40.440 have them be better than you and I have to 0:09:40.480 --> 0:09:43.080 go through the pitfalls that you had to go through, right, 0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:45.720 But at the same time, you want to keep them 0:09:45.760 --> 0:09:49.679 aware of where they've come from, so you know, and 0:09:49.679 --> 0:09:52.160 and listen. It's a different. It's a it's a different 0:09:52.360 --> 0:09:54.840 it's a different world wominar in now. It's a very 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:57.480 different world than even I grew up them, because I 0:09:57.600 --> 0:10:01.920 was just at the cups of women and being having rights. 0:10:01.920 --> 0:10:03.880 And I mean there was no me too movement, there 0:10:03.960 --> 0:10:06.959 was no opportunities. There was a huge voice. You really 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:09.400 had to carve it out, but still sort of be 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:13.040 gently stepping upon the old world. And I grew up 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:16.560 in an ethnic family, so the old world was very 0:10:16.600 --> 0:10:19.400 alive and well in all ways, you know what I mean. 0:10:19.840 --> 0:10:25.679 She's very academic, very confident, and very assured as a woman, 0:10:25.720 --> 0:10:27.520 which is you know, as when we were doing the 0:10:27.559 --> 0:10:29.720 book to get she would help me with the book. 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:31.840 She's a great writer and I she said, how would 0:10:31.840 --> 0:10:38.439 you describe me? And said, you're a noble citizen, so sweet? 0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:42.319 How old are you? When you got divorced from your show, 0:10:42.920 --> 0:10:46.760 I got divorced, well it really was separated, we say, 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:48.640 I I had I was reading up about you. I 0:10:48.679 --> 0:10:50.920 know you're going through a difficult time right now, and 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:54.320 I'm sorry about that, you know, thanks, it's terrible. I 0:10:54.440 --> 0:10:58.040 had an interesting situation because Wealth and I didn't divorce. 0:10:58.080 --> 0:10:59.800 I'm still very close to her father for a long 0:10:59.840 --> 0:11:02.240 time time. But I divorced my hand it was about seven, 0:11:03.200 --> 0:11:06.800 so that was like two thousand, so I was about 0:11:06.880 --> 0:11:09.839 ever born in nineteen sixty four, so it was like, 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:16.600 what do the math th plenty. I'm terrible at math. 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:24.120 So basically for generation, I was pretty six. Oh yeah, yeah, 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:28.720 I'm thirty seven. So yeah, how long will be married? Um? 0:11:28.760 --> 0:11:34.319 It would have been six years a month ago. Listen. Yeah, 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:37.360 you know everyone says, you know, with this ongoing thing, 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:40.000 you know, divorce is a death, and especially when it 0:11:40.040 --> 0:11:43.679 comes unexpected, because as women, we lay out our plan 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:47.079 and I think it's one of our things that when 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:49.720 I when I explored sort of going through the book 0:11:49.760 --> 0:11:52.960 all the different steps, you know. I know myself, I 0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:57.000 got divorced and then I was single for about six years, 0:11:57.440 --> 0:12:00.320 and then I got married again and and I was 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:02.839 married for six years then he died. So it's sort 0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:06.320 of I've seen this. I started seeing, you know, growing up, 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:09.840 growing my independent way, getting married to investor Baker and 0:12:09.880 --> 0:12:12.320 having that failed, become a mother, be a single mother, 0:12:12.520 --> 0:12:15.560 get married again, be a widow, and it's really layered 0:12:15.600 --> 0:12:19.600 me for you know, um, not to get stuck because 0:12:19.640 --> 0:12:22.120 I think as you know, you're a young woman. You know, 0:12:22.320 --> 0:12:26.079 it's it's amazing. Stumbling blocks like this for women make 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:29.680 us feel old. M hm, and you're not. I mean, 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:31.800 I know myself if I think back of how I 0:12:31.880 --> 0:12:34.520 used to think at thirty six, I think, now what 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:36.840 I'm here? This is not the plan, you know what 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:40.360 I mean? Really, I have to go go out there again. 0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:43.200 But it's not going out again. You have a you 0:12:43.240 --> 0:12:45.360 have a different set of armor now you're a mother. 0:12:46.160 --> 0:12:50.880 You know, this is a great experience. Divorce will strengthen 0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:54.560 you will be a different person in your next relationship. 0:12:54.679 --> 0:12:57.040 You will be a different person in this period before 0:12:57.080 --> 0:13:01.200 your relationship. I think that, Yeah, it's tempical as it is. 0:13:01.280 --> 0:13:04.880 It's it's an it's it's it ends up being a 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:07.520 necessary evil. I can't explain it to you, like it's 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:09.240 one of the things I talked about all the time 0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:12.000 about women not getting stuck. I just find a lot 0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:14.400 of times women have a moment like this and then 0:13:14.440 --> 0:13:17.520 they sort of stopped and looked to the past as 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:20.360 opposed to be wonderment about the future. You know what 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:24.120 I mean. I didn't work out with the guy. How 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:25.839 do you find out it's thirty six, and at six 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:27.679 can look back and say, why wasn't married to this 0:13:27.800 --> 0:13:31.880 asshole for forty years? How did you? How did you 0:13:31.920 --> 0:13:34.280 deal with the fact though that, because I can't even imagine, 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:37.720 like obviously I know how hard divorces and but then 0:13:38.080 --> 0:13:40.960 remarrying and then have having someone then die, It's like, 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:42.680 did you kind of have at the moment where you're 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:44.560 like really goad, like can I just can can I 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:46.960 just be happy for once? Like and like that makes 0:13:46.960 --> 0:13:49.840 me want to cry for you. Not only did he 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:52.720 die in that year, my daughter went to college, so 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:56.000 I became an empty nester and a widow. And you 0:13:56.080 --> 0:13:59.120 gotta remember before that, the year before that we just 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:02.439 finished this. I was that we spent three years restoring 0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:04.679 this or two years before, and we had it all 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:06.760 planned out, Like I was, like, I have done it. 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:10.000 I've gone from Great Barrington to a telephone man's daughter 0:14:10.400 --> 0:14:13.520 to owning this fantastic house. With this fantastic house, my 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:15.600 daughter's gonna go to college. He's gonna right up there, 0:14:15.640 --> 0:14:19.320 we're gonna travel, like I redefinantly have figured it out. 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:22.600 In the boom, I'm a I'm literally standing at the 0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:26.280 altar burying him in the same altar where I married 0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:31.360 him six years before. Hurt breaking. But how did he 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:34.440 how did he die? He got sick, he got he 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:37.400 got sick, and then he just you know, I don't 0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:38.920 really talk about it a lot in the book because 0:14:38.920 --> 0:14:42.479 of his kids and I'm very protective of his children. Um, 0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:45.640 but he got ill. He died a liver disease. And 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:48.360 it happened all within six months, which was a blessing. 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:50.360 It wasn't at the time I was angry about but 0:14:50.440 --> 0:14:52.320 I looked at it. It It was almost like God's protection. 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:55.800 He was like, we're gonna get and furiously and it did. 0:14:56.200 --> 0:15:01.160 But you know, you feel, yeah, you know you feel 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:02.840 I'm sure you do too. You know you said you 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:06.720 think what Then you feel angry, you feel disappointed, you 0:15:06.760 --> 0:15:13.040 feel bewildered, you feel ashamed, you feel tired. Right you're 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:16.160 You're like, you know, you got to manage because you know, 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:18.560 of course, whenever there's a break, you've got to manage 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:21.400 new people that can be new boyfriend's girlfriends, that can 0:15:21.440 --> 0:15:24.840 be friends, that can be doing things differently as a 0:15:24.920 --> 0:15:27.680 family unit, because you know, now you have your family 0:15:27.720 --> 0:15:29.720 unit with daughter, then you got to manage his family 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:32.480 unit with the daughter that you've got to manage how 0:15:32.560 --> 0:15:34.560 that you know, making sure the daughter even though she 0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:36.600 has this break rough and I did it very well, 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:40.000 thank god. But you're making sure the kids because a 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:43.520 lot of times, you know, the kids become the the 0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:46.160 aftermath of the divorce and they have to one thing 0:15:46.200 --> 0:15:48.840 wealth and always be clear that handy thing get divorced. 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:52.000 We did, as far as Hannah is concerned. We are 0:15:52.040 --> 0:15:55.760 a unit. We we functure. We just have two households. 0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:58.680 You know, Ralph had a key to my apartment until 0:15:58.720 --> 0:16:03.440 I got married to Richard, but way a different divorce. 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:05.680 You know, I think when there's any kind of betrayal, 0:16:05.800 --> 0:16:07.680 and I don't need to bring that up, but yeah, 0:16:08.080 --> 0:16:12.600 it's it's more difficult. Did you kind of separate it out? 0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:15.120 You got to separate it out? Yeah, I think, Yeah, 0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:16.560 I mean it's definitely hard. And it's one of those 0:16:16.560 --> 0:16:20.600 things where sometimes, like the process with us has been 0:16:20.680 --> 0:16:23.560 really challenging because because there is that betrayal, but there's 0:16:23.600 --> 0:16:26.360 also you know, he has so much resentment and I'm like, 0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:27.840 wait a minute, you're the one that hurt me, Like 0:16:27.880 --> 0:16:29.480 how are you being mean to me? Like I'm like, 0:16:29.520 --> 0:16:31.920 this doesn't this doesn't add up to me, you know, 0:16:32.000 --> 0:16:35.280 and so it's like, welcome to a man. Oh, please 0:16:35.280 --> 0:16:37.760 tell me more to help me understand that, because I'm 0:16:37.800 --> 0:16:40.160 just like losing my mind. I'm like, there's a million 0:16:40.240 --> 0:16:41.920 mean things I could say to you, but I'm choosing 0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:44.440 to be like kind And what I say I always 0:16:44.440 --> 0:16:48.120 say men have a beautiful art of spelling, like the 0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:51.000 type of person that you know, God forgot they can 0:16:51.320 --> 0:16:55.400 they can, you know, knock a glass out of your hand, 0:16:55.520 --> 0:16:57.320 glass of wine out your hand and then yell at you. 0:16:57.600 --> 0:17:01.280 There's a staying out the carpet. Yes, oh my god, 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:04.800 yes you do. Even you're like, but but you knocked 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:06.119 the glass And they're like, you have a look at 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:11.760 this stain. Yes, not the glass. I like it because 0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:16.400 you I don't care about the details. Stay now you 0:17:16.840 --> 0:17:18.520 women were like, oh my god, I got to clean 0:17:18.600 --> 0:17:22.200 up the stain because they just because we are problem 0:17:22.240 --> 0:17:26.040 solvers like that, right, Yes, he's still with the is 0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:29.399 can I ask? He's still with the person that caused 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:33.119 the damage and it is damaged by the way anyone 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:35.359 when it comes into a marriage, I'm very old school 0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:41.000 serious accept the all a marriage knowing that they are 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:47.040 involved terrible person, and I need to be. But you know, 0:17:47.119 --> 0:17:49.080 they not even they know you were married, they knew 0:17:49.080 --> 0:17:52.480 you had a child. Mm hmm. Yeah, so that is 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:56.280 a terrible person because I am I don't give your 0:17:56.320 --> 0:17:58.560 religious spiritual You guys had a bond and you do 0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:02.040 not touch a bond. Yeah. How long has it been 0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:11.160 since the divorce? Yeah? I filed April. Oh she's still missed. Yeah, 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:13.920 so but I mean everything's everything's final. I mean it'll 0:18:13.920 --> 0:18:17.600 be officially final next week. So, um, yeah, it's just 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:22.400 been But we've been dealing with infidelity for the we've 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:25.240 been dealing with it for I found out a year 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:27.400 into our marriage he had been unfaithful with a bunch 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:30.760 of women. So it's been five years of us trying 0:18:30.800 --> 0:18:33.840 to rebuild something that has just been really hard. And 0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:35.919 you know, I take some I have to look at 0:18:35.960 --> 0:18:39.480 myself and take some blame and accountability for you know, 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:43.200 the ways that I tried to it was it was 0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:46.240 very hard for me to um to be in that 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:49.160 kind of marriage where there was just not any trust, 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:51.080 And as much as I tried, it was still very 0:18:51.440 --> 0:18:53.239 it was very hard. So I'm sure you know at 0:18:53.320 --> 0:18:56.040 times I was shameful and I said mean things, and 0:18:56.400 --> 0:18:58.440 you cheated on your year and a half in your martach. 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:03.600 So that's so whatever, that's soiled. Whatever that when you know, 0:19:03.640 --> 0:19:06.320 when you get married, it's a plant. Yeah, if you 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:08.919 put in a garden, then you feed at the soil, 0:19:09.080 --> 0:19:11.040 and you feed at the right sun. And if you 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:14.520 feed it bad soil, you feed it ugly rain. You 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:16.639 can't be surprised when the plant doesn't grow the way 0:19:16.680 --> 0:19:19.160 you're supposed to grow. So yeah, I get what you're saying, 0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:24.560 But I mean, how could you have not? Yeah, I mean, yeah, 0:19:24.640 --> 0:19:27.360 it's just it's just it's so heavy, that's so hard. 0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:29.000 And right now I'm just like I'm in the place 0:19:29.040 --> 0:19:30.520 where it's like, okay, how do I how do I 0:19:30.640 --> 0:19:32.639 raise my children? Because we have two beautiful kids, And 0:19:32.720 --> 0:19:36.320 I'm like, how do you? But by day, just day 0:19:36.480 --> 0:19:40.639 by day that's it because you'd be surprised the power 0:19:40.720 --> 0:19:43.320 and day by day just don't even worry. Just just 0:19:43.520 --> 0:19:47.800 feed them, make sure they're safe, love them, make sure 0:19:47.840 --> 0:19:50.760 they through a relationship with their father that you don't 0:19:50.800 --> 0:19:54.000 have to be, you know, overly engaged in, and and 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:57.200 just go forth. I promise you you will you you 0:19:57.320 --> 0:19:59.520 will do it. And you'll be better for it than 0:19:59.600 --> 0:20:01.960 the end. But how do you have such a light 0:20:02.080 --> 0:20:05.920 and such a good energy when like you've had because 0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:08.520 again like you had your second chance at this fairy 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:10.960 tale love and then it goes away. You know what 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:13.080 my mother said to me when I was bawling about 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:16.280 Richard and falling and crying and crying. And my mother 0:20:16.440 --> 0:20:19.360 is my oak tree. You know, she's just my rock, 0:20:19.480 --> 0:20:20.680 She said to me one day, and I was like 0:20:21.160 --> 0:20:24.320 doing bad things and drinking and not carrying and angry 0:20:24.440 --> 0:20:26.840 and it's not there. And I would started doing that 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:34.720 comparing and we'll look at that present for somebody. You know. Ye, yes, 0:20:35.440 --> 0:20:38.199 I've done everything right. I've serviced to God. I've got 0:20:38.240 --> 0:20:40.600 a good mother. My mom said, you know what she'd 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:44.240 give me one day. You know, you met Richard six 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:46.280 eight years ago now, and then I'm like eight years 0:20:46.320 --> 0:20:49.640 go America for six He said, Hannah was like ten 0:20:49.720 --> 0:20:52.320 and a half. She He loved Hannah as if he 0:20:52.440 --> 0:20:55.240 were she was his own. She said, Now, let me 0:20:55.240 --> 0:20:57.720