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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her.

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Speaker 2: Space, you are not afraid of new love. You are

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Speaker 2: afraid of old pain, and that pessimism is a sign

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Speaker 2: that you have old pain and you are afraid of

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Speaker 2: re experiencing that, which is basically a trauma.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting.

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Speaker 4: Women like you.

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Speaker 3: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Bussard, a callis professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 5: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 5: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 5: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 5: five roids to fake friends, and create a safe space

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Speaker 5: where black women can just be.

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Speaker 3: Hey, lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her

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Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

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Speaker 3: of California in contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so,

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Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

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Speaker 3: That's d R D O M I N I q

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Speaker 3: U E b R O U ss ar D dot

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Speaker 3: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

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Speaker 3: forward to hearing from you.

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Speaker 5: All right, lady, today we have a very special guest

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Speaker 5: in Cultivating her Space, So we're just going to jump

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Speaker 5: on in because this conversation is going to be super juicy,

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Speaker 5: So let's dive on in. Brittany Jenkins, better known as

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Speaker 5: Breed to her clients, has been working in the mental health,

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Speaker 5: life coaching, and counseling services fields since two thousand and two.

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Speaker 5: A graduate of both Pepperdine Universities Graduate School of Education

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Speaker 5: and Psychology and Diller University's Bachelor of Arts and Psychology program,

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Speaker 5: she has extensive training in the mental health field. Breed

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Speaker 5: brings a wide range of techniques and skills to the

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Speaker 5: therapy room for couples and adult individuals to make the

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Speaker 5: changes they desired. Bree is an African American and multicultural

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Speaker 5: therapist and dating and life coach who has extensive experience

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Speaker 5: working with Black, Latino, Asian, and Caucasian clients. She focuses

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Speaker 5: on couples and adults with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and

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Speaker 5: a multitude of their mental health, social and emotional problems. So,

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Speaker 5: without further ado, y'all, let's jump on in welcome for

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Speaker 5: you to cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

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Speaker 2: We are so excited to have you.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, we are. And so we will start off

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Speaker 3: with a quote of the day, which will sound really

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Speaker 3: familiar to you, Bree, because these are your words. We

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Speaker 3: were all on your social media and watching your videos

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Speaker 3: and just so many gems, and so the one that

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Speaker 3: stood out to us was you cannot fix what you deny.

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Speaker 3: And I'm gonna say that again for the people in

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Speaker 3: the back because this quote really taps into the topic

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Speaker 3: that we will be diving into today. Bree says, you

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Speaker 3: cannot fix what you deny. Agree when you hear your words,

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Speaker 3: what comes up for you, and give our listeners a

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Speaker 3: little bit of context on what what meant.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, when I heard the words, I was like,

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Speaker 2: come on nine, but then they're for me.

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Speaker 4: But I feel like it is.

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Speaker 2: It's like a little sermon, a bite sized sermon, because

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Speaker 2: it's so true. Right, if we are denying something, it's

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Speaker 2: not in our consciousness, we have no energy to put

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Speaker 2: towards rectifying it. It is just operating in our lives

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Speaker 2: and we don't even have a chance to change anything

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Speaker 2: because we're not even recognizing or acknowledging that the problem exists.

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Speaker 2: So you can't even fix it. You know, if you

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Speaker 2: don't know it's the issue, it's like hidden pipes in

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Speaker 2: your house that's leaking. You can have molds all back

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Speaker 2: there getting sick and don't know why. You better look

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Speaker 2: at that wall and figure out, Oh there's problem, there's

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Speaker 2: a leak. Let me address it. But if you don't

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Speaker 2: even know if it exists, then you really have no

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Speaker 2: hope of improving it.

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Speaker 4: So I love that quote.

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Speaker 2: I don't even know where you found it from, probably

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Speaker 2: wasn't a caption or something, but I love the quote

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Speaker 2: and I think is so appropriate to our mental health,

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Speaker 2: to our relationships, to you know, every facet of life.

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Speaker 4: Really.

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Speaker 5: Now we're going to dive in more and learn more

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Speaker 5: about your background, but I have to know why do

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Speaker 5: you think, Like, what are some of the most popular

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Speaker 5: reasons people don't identify or they are in denial about

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Speaker 5: the things that might be going on. What do you

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Speaker 5: find are some of the common themes?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I think you really have to be

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Speaker 2: a person who has a growth mindset rather than a

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Speaker 2: fixed mindset. You know, a fixed mindset is very taked

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Speaker 2: as it is I am what I am, I am,

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Speaker 2: this is me, you know, like this is me. I

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Speaker 2: ain't changing. Everyone just needs to get used to it.

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Speaker 2: And when you embrace a growth mindset, you're really a

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Speaker 2: person who is saying, you know, you can be an

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Speaker 2: acceptance of who you are. You can love yourself for

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Speaker 2: who you are. We're all imperfect and that's okay. But

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Speaker 2: we also embrace that there is a higher version of

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Speaker 2: me that I'm trying to get to, right, and that

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Speaker 2: journey is endless. We're never going to get at the

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Speaker 2: top of the mountain peak, as I say, We're never

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Speaker 2: going to reach perfection, right. But if you have a

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Speaker 2: growth mindset, you are just recognizing that this is a

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Speaker 2: journey and along that way, I want to learn lessons

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Speaker 2: and I want to elevate who I am, and so

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Speaker 2: I think people avoid doing that work when they feel

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Speaker 2: like it is what it is, this is who I am,

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Speaker 2: this is who I've always been, and everyone just has

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Speaker 2: to kind of take it. But the thing is is

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Speaker 2: like people don't actually have to take it, and neither

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Speaker 2: do you, right, And you could be missing out on

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Speaker 2: so many blessings by not just trying to cultivate a

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Speaker 2: different mindset and a different version of yourself. Or I

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Speaker 2: don't like to say change a lot of times that

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Speaker 2: I prefer the word evolve, right because like evolution, it

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Speaker 2: feels more natural sometimes than telling a person they need

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Speaker 2: to change.

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Speaker 3: Oh I love that. Yes, yes, okay, So Brie, you

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Speaker 3: are already dropping some gems for us, So let's back

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Speaker 3: up just a little bit and tell us your origin story,

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Speaker 3: like what motivated you to become a therapist and how

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Speaker 3: did you become a dating coach as well, because we

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Speaker 3: know that those are two different things.

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, So you know it's so interesting that

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Speaker 2: question has actually never been asked to me back to back,

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Speaker 2: and so when I think about it, I'm like, oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh, both of these careers and these passion points

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Speaker 2: actually come for my family. So I always was a

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Speaker 2: person that people would tell their problems to and say like, oh,

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Speaker 2: you give good advice and stuff. I think I always

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Speaker 2: had that natural something that many therapists have, right, and

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Speaker 2: it made me interested in human psychology. But the real

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Speaker 2: catalyst was that my brother. I was sophomore in high

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Speaker 2: school and he was a senior. He graduated, he went

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Speaker 2: away to school. He was very smart, intelligent. He went

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Speaker 2: to Duke University. And my brother actually passed away in

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Speaker 2: twenty fifteen unrelated to mental health issues, which is why

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Speaker 2: I'm speaking in past and so I just want to

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Speaker 2: clarify that for listeners. But he went away to college,

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Speaker 2: and like so many people, he had his first mental

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Speaker 2: health episode. He had a manic episode. He was diagnosed

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Speaker 2: with bipolar disorder. He had to withdraw from school and

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Speaker 2: start medication. And I watched what that was like for

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Speaker 2: someone who had no mental health issues to suddenly have,

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Speaker 2: you know, a chronic mental health issue, and how difficult

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Speaker 2: that was for him to find care that looked like him,

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Speaker 2: to find care that was culturally competent, for someone who

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Speaker 2: understood him and his you know, his journey and his lifestyle,

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Speaker 2: and you know the way that he talked and all

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Speaker 2: those things, and I think consciously I was like, my

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Speaker 2: brother is not the only person who's experiencing this, And

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Speaker 2: I think there was an unconscious desire for me to

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Speaker 2: be that person for somebody else. So I got into therapy.

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Speaker 2: I loved it, loved it, loved it. Definitely felt the

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Speaker 2: need for more therapists of color. I mean, we we've

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Speaker 2: we're now starting to fill the gap of having more

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Speaker 2: you know, black therapists and more therapists of color. But

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Speaker 2: when I first started, you know, years and years and

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Speaker 2: years ago, I was a unicorn. So it's definitely been

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Speaker 2: a passion point of mine. And then in terms of

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Speaker 2: dating coach, so my sister actually is why I became

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Speaker 2: a dating coach. So she was really smart and a bookworm.

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Speaker 2: And you know, my sister graduated when she was like

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Speaker 2: fifteen and a half and she went to Stanford. Okay,

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Speaker 2: so I'm talking super smart, bookworm, not super romance partically

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Speaker 2: socially developed. You know, she had friends and stuff, but

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Speaker 2: she was chronologically underage then her counterparts in her grades,

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Speaker 2: so she really struggled in the love zone. And there

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Speaker 2: was a summer when both of us were broke and unemployed. Okay,

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Speaker 2: because this is during the recession. I had graduated from

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Speaker 2: my master's program. I was staying with her. I'm from

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Speaker 2: New Orleans. We were staying on Canel Street and I

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Speaker 2: was like, yes, okay. So we were staying in her

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Speaker 2: little apartment on Canal Street and we both broke and

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Speaker 2: I was like, looks this. I'm gonna take us on

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Speaker 2: steak dinners and lobster dinners all summer long.

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Speaker 4: Did you let me help you?

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Speaker 2: I was like, I'm gonna help get us some dates

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Speaker 2: because we're too broke to afford to do anything in

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Speaker 2: this in this apartment. And so she was like, okay,

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Speaker 2: I'll let you help me. And so I actually like

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Speaker 2: redid her profile and you know, gave her a little

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Speaker 2: makeover and helped her with something.

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Speaker 4: And she actually met her husband.

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Speaker 2: Yes, Wow, she met her husband Ben. And one of

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Speaker 2: her best friends was like, okay, help me out. I've

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Speaker 2: been dating but it's been rough out here. So I

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Speaker 2: helped her and she got in a long term relationship.

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Speaker 2: And it was like I did that with like three people.

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Speaker 2: And then I was like, you know what, this is

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Speaker 2: a totally separate skill from me being a therapist. I

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Speaker 2: mean being a therapist does inform some of my work,

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Speaker 2: you know, like, you can't ever really one hundred percent

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Speaker 2: turn it off.

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Speaker 4: I think it only helps.

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Speaker 2: So but I realized that it's a whole set of

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Speaker 2: skills that a lot of people lack, and they don't

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Speaker 2: realize specifically that they need a dating coach. So that

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Speaker 2: was also the catalyst for me becoming a dating coach.

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Speaker 2: So interestingly, my family had a big impression on me

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Speaker 2: and what I do.

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Speaker 5: Thank you for sharing that and so sorry for your loss.

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Speaker 5: We appreciate you being so transparent and vulnerable with sharing

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Speaker 5: about your brother, and I do think it's beautiful how

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Speaker 5: your family is fire both of those career paths and

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Speaker 5: you figured out a way to pull them both off right.

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Speaker 5: Sometimes I think people feel so they have to choose.

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Speaker 5: And the fact that you were able to use that

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Speaker 5: or go into those fields and use the transferable skills

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Speaker 5: from each I'm sure to inform one another. That's amazing.

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Speaker 5: And also I'm like, that's so dope how you all

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Speaker 5: are both from New Orleans.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, okay, both.

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Speaker 5: Therapists, look at y'all ahead, come on, I love it.

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Speaker 5: I love it so Gray, let's get into your brand's name. Okay,

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Speaker 5: we absolutely love your brand name to gather Life. Okay,

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Speaker 5: So dope, can you talk to us a little bit

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Speaker 5: about the background behind the name.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So the Gathered Life is it's actually been an evolution.

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Speaker 2: So years and years and years ago when I was

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Speaker 2: single and dating, you know, my friend would be like,

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Speaker 2: what's your type?

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Speaker 4: And I would always say, got themselves together.

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Speaker 2: I would be like, you know, house, job car, which

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Speaker 2: in LA is a hard trifecta to meet, right, I

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Speaker 2: would be like.

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Speaker 4: How job car?

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Speaker 2: And then have their minds together. That's what I would

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Speaker 2: always say. Like I need them to be together because

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Speaker 2: these men don't have it together. That's what I would

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Speaker 2: always say. And so I went on this date with

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Speaker 2: a guy and I was like, girl, he just didn't

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Speaker 2: I have this stuff together. I was like it was

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Speaker 2: all over the place. And she was like, oh, he

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Speaker 2: was ungathered, friend, and I was like, yes, he was ungathered.

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Speaker 4: He was ungathered.

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Speaker 2: And then from there I started saying I need them

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Speaker 2: to be gathered. I need things to be gathered. And

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Speaker 2: that's kind of where the term came from. And so

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Speaker 2: my first actual thing was I had a fashion blog

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Speaker 2: because I have like a styling, fashion kind of background thing,

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Speaker 2: and it was called the Gathered Lady, and I would

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Speaker 2: talk about I would talk about style and having like

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Speaker 2: a life that you enjoyed and having beauty around you

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Speaker 2: and stuff. And then I was like, I want to

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Speaker 2: meet like minded people. So I had a gathered a

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Speaker 2: la trying to meet like minded people. And then eventually

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Speaker 2: I was like, how do I bridge putting people together

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Speaker 2: and like the essence of the lifestyle that you want?

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Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, the Gathered Life. I mean,

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Speaker 2: it just was like a great umbrella for the fact

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Speaker 2: that I do multiple things. I help people in their

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Speaker 2: love life, I help people with their mental health, their

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Speaker 2: mental life.

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Speaker 4: I'm a life coach.

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Speaker 2: Like I was like, you know what, it's all about

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Speaker 2: having your life together, and of course we never have

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Speaker 2: it all one hundred percent together. I want to dispel

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Speaker 2: that myth, right, But we're all on a journey of

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Speaker 2: just finding the parts of ourselves that we want, you know,

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Speaker 2: to embrace, finding the higher versions of ourselves that we

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Speaker 2: want to embrace, and connecting with other people. So that's

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Speaker 2: kind of where the Gathered Life came from.

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Speaker 3: I love that, Yes, let's get let's get our lives together.

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Speaker 3: Let's yes, I love that. And so you have had

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Speaker 3: multiple facets within this Gathered life, right, and so you

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Speaker 3: talk about being a therapist, a dating coach, and a

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Speaker 3: life coach. Now, before we kind of go deep, people

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Speaker 3: are into the dating coach part, can you kind of

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Speaker 3: explain to folks why there needs to be a distinction

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Speaker 3: between therapists, life coach, dating coach and how you navigate

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Speaker 3: that under this umbrella of the Gathered life.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely. So, I definitely see the roles as all three

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Speaker 2: different things. There's a common thread and that what I

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Speaker 2: always tell people is like, you know, people like, oh,

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Speaker 2: you're like a jack of all terurds and like not, really,

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Speaker 2: what I do is help people transform their lives. I

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Speaker 2: know how to help people change their lives somehow, and

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Speaker 2: it's really through a specific lens. So all my work

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Speaker 2: is with people. You know, at the end of the day,

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Speaker 2: I'm over here building cabinets and then talk about I

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Speaker 2: can sing for you, you know, It's like no, it's

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Speaker 2: a focus. I work with people, and I understand people

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Speaker 2: and how to help them have a transformation somehow. For me,

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Speaker 2: when I'm in the therapy zone, you know, I start

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Speaker 2: with the assessment for everyone, anyone who contacts me for services,

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Speaker 2: whether it doesn't matter if it's there's a life coach,

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Speaker 2: ain't therapy or day coaching. I'm very selective about aligning

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Speaker 2: with clients because I believe that I genuinely like to

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Speaker 2: like my clients. I want to be invested in them

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Speaker 2: having the outcome that they want. And I think that

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Speaker 2: work is easier when you really understand and align with someone.

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Speaker 2: So even if somebody is like, I want to hire

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Speaker 2: you as a dating coach, like, let's have a consultation,

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Speaker 2: you know, because sometimes people say I want to hire

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Speaker 2: you as a dating coach, and then I hear trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma,

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Speaker 2: unprocessed trauma, unprocessed trauma, you know, perhaps possibly mental health disorder,

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Speaker 2: you know, things that really really need to be addressed

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Speaker 2: before they're even going to be able to absorb and

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Speaker 2: apply any of the skills that I give you.

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Speaker 4: Don't.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't matter if I teach you how to flirt

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Speaker 2: or being your feminine energy or you know, help you

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Speaker 2: find your most aligned attract None of that is going

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Speaker 2: to help if really you just keep chasing people that

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Speaker 2: are mostly unavailable, you know, so a lot of times,

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Speaker 2: it's like I will for most of my coaching clients,

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Speaker 2: either they've been through therapy somehow and now they're trying

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Speaker 2: to zone in on a specific area of their life

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Speaker 2: that they really want to focus on, or I'll work

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Speaker 2: simultaneously while they do therapy with someone else. So it's

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Speaker 2: really about assessing which one it is. For me, therapy

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Speaker 2: is very much like mental health past trauma, going really deep,

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Speaker 2: also going slow. Therapy is a slower process. Right when

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Speaker 2: I'm doing coaching, like for life coaching, I have a

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Speaker 2: couple like a nice batch of I basically work with

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Speaker 2: like kind of like celebrity artists and high executives, and

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Speaker 2: there's very specific things that they want to work on,

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Speaker 2: you know, So that tend tends to do to be

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Speaker 2: what I do when I do life coaching, and then

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Speaker 2: with day coaching, I'm looking for all the things that

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Speaker 2: you can't do as a therapist, you know, Like I

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Speaker 2: tell people, like i'm your therapists, I cannot be your

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Speaker 2: dating coach right now because a therapist is not going

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Speaker 2: to say this is a bad picture, take this off

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Speaker 2: your profile. A dating coach will, and that is going

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Speaker 2: to make a difference fifty percent of the people who

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Speaker 2: respond to your profile or looking at your picture as

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Speaker 2: a deciding factor fifty percent. So as a dating coach,

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna say it's not a great picture. You know,

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Speaker 2: it doesn't show off you in your most beautiful light.

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Speaker 2: You know, we really need to show off your lovely eyelashes.

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Speaker 2: Are you have such a pretty smile? You haven't shown

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Speaker 2: any you know, pictures a smile or whatever. But as

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Speaker 2: a therapist, I'm not going to give that feedback or

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Speaker 2: whatever or be like, oh, I think you know you

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Speaker 2: need to focus on clearing up your skin. I'm not

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Speaker 2: saying that's stuff to my client that I hurt their feelings,

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Speaker 2: you know. So it's like very important that people understand

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Speaker 2: the distinction and really get the support in the specific

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Speaker 2: area that they need.

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Speaker 5: I just think that's such a beautiful marriage of your

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Speaker 5: skills and interests and areas of expertise. And I can

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Speaker 5: imagine I would assume that it's not easy for you

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Speaker 5: to get bored because you get to kind of switch

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Speaker 5: these different hats between clients. That is, it's so awesome,

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Speaker 5: it's so dope. Oh my gosh, I love that. So Bra,

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Speaker 5: we're about to switch up the energy real quick, and

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Speaker 5: then we're going to dive back into the more formal

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Speaker 5: professional interviews. So we're gonna go ahead and switch it

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Speaker 5: out right now now, bree, because we recognize, appreciate, and

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Speaker 5: celebrate the multifaceted woman, and we believe here on the

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Speaker 5: podcast that it's okay to be bougie and classy and

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Speaker 5: ratchet and you can still be elegant and dance to

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Speaker 5: strip club music. So we want to invite you to

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Speaker 5: the OEU Blatchet segments. So do you take on the challenge?

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Speaker 4: Yes, I'm here for y'all speaking my language.

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Speaker 5: Yes, Oh yes, I love that you said that. So

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Speaker 5: now that we got you, now that you said yes,

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Speaker 5: we're gonna tell you what's gonna happen. Okay, So we're

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Speaker 5: gonna ask you three questions. We're gonna share three sentence completions,

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Speaker 5: and then finally, we have three photos pulled up of

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Speaker 5: you from social media that we found because we've been

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Speaker 5: stalking a little bit, and we want you to choose

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Speaker 5: one photo and give us some context that we would

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Speaker 5: not know about the photo based on just looking at

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Speaker 5: the photo.

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Speaker 4: Got it.

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Speaker 5: Let's jump on me, and don you want to start off.

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Speaker 3: All right, So, Bree, what is the best piece of

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Speaker 3: wisdom or advice you've ever received?

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Speaker 4: You know what? I think?

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Speaker 2: It's a quote that is one of my favorite quotes,

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Speaker 2: and it is you can search the entire universe for

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Speaker 2: a person who is more worthy of your love and

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Speaker 2: attention and you will not find them.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 2: So for me, that always just brings me back to like,

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Speaker 2: no one is more deserving of my love and attention

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Speaker 2: than me. Right, other people are, but I deserve no

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Speaker 2: one is more worthy, you know what I mean. So

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Speaker 2: that's like something I try to live by and remind

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Speaker 2: myself of all the time because I'm a caregiver and

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Speaker 2: I'm always giving to people, and I'm like, guess what,

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Speaker 2: you just you deserve care just as much as everyone else.

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Speaker 5: So beautiful, And you said that was a deep question. Well,

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Speaker 5: I think I might have a deeper question depending on

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Speaker 5: how you look at this question. So I have four

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Speaker 5: words for you. Okay, work or two steps? What you

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Speaker 5: want to do.

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Speaker 3: New Orleans?

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Speaker 4: We should do.

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Speaker 5: That was an easy one.

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Speaker 4: We should have knew capital, Yes.

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Speaker 2: Of course capital like we call it popping, but now

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Speaker 2: it's tweat. But you know what I'm saying, We've been

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Speaker 2: popping since we was little.

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Speaker 3: It's way back when. Yes, that part all right? So

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Speaker 3: the next question three is what is the sexiest item

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Speaker 3: you own?

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Speaker 4: You know what?

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Speaker 2: It may be a pair of thigh high latex boots. Oh, savage,

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Speaker 2: stinty hi high latex boots. You know, Rihanna just be

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Speaker 2: coming with it always.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I.

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Speaker 4: Guess I love the hybrid.

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Speaker 2: I just think even though it's covered, there's just something

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Speaker 2: about it that's so sexy. And yeah, she's got these

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Speaker 2: black latex ones that are just fire.

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Speaker 5: Okay, I'm gonna google that after the conversation.

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Speaker 4: I'm gonna google that after I need.

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Speaker 5: I need to look that up. Okay, So now we're

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Speaker 5: gonna move on. Even got me distracted, I'm like, where

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Speaker 5: are we at, y'all?

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Speaker 6: Where we at?

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Speaker 5: What's going on? We're gonna move on to the sentence

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Speaker 5: completion breath, so it is your first sentence completion. One

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Speaker 5: question or topic I wish people asked me about more

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Speaker 5: often is.

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Speaker 4: Dating for black women specifically?

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Speaker 3: Well, breath, I mean, you know that's we're gonna be

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Speaker 3: talking about that today on this episode, But just to

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Speaker 3: give the folks a little preview, the one thing I

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Speaker 3: wished black women knew about dating is that they should

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Speaker 3: open up their dating options to as many suitors as

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Speaker 3: possible and not just hyper focus on black men, not

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Speaker 3: just hyper focus.

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Speaker 4: On specific height. It's like, open that thing up.

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Speaker 2: It's going to help you even if you wind up

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Speaker 2: getting your original thing.

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Speaker 5: Open it up, girl, I'm going to have to jump

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Speaker 5: into that a little bit deeper and just a bit

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Speaker 5: once we finished the old bletchet segment, because that was

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Speaker 5: a gym right there. Now, the last sentence comptation here

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Speaker 5: is what I love most about myself.

438
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:46,639
Speaker 2: Is my realness. Yeah, my realness. I think for me,

439
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,359
Speaker 2: back when I first became a therapist, there were so

440
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 2: few of us, it was difficult for me to actually

441
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:56,600
Speaker 2: embrace me as a therapist and the different skills that

442
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,720
Speaker 2: I had. Like you said, oh, I'm surprised that you

443
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,840
Speaker 2: were able to marriage it. That was an act of

444
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,480
Speaker 2: bravery because there really was no one saying that that

445
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,280
Speaker 2: was allowed. If anything, it was saying like you need

446
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,360
Speaker 2: to be wearing a big sweater and drinking a cup

447
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,760
Speaker 2: of tea with a button and a you know, yoga

448
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 2: pants on.

449
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,240
Speaker 4: And I was like, oh, that's not me.

450
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:17,240
Speaker 2: And so I really had to just embrace my version

451
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:20,840
Speaker 2: of me being myself and eventually get more comfortable with

452
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,800
Speaker 2: then and recognize there is a space for it and

453
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:24,639
Speaker 2: it really aligns for a lot of people.

454
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 5: That's so powerful, right, will you follow your gut and

455
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,240
Speaker 5: then you're able to see like, oh, this made sense

456
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,399
Speaker 5: all along, to follow my gut and not listening to

457
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,360
Speaker 5: what everyone else says. So thank you for sharing that.

458
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,359
Speaker 5: All right, So, Bret, we have some photos for that

459
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,720
Speaker 5: of you o social media and these photos, some of

460
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,920
Speaker 5: these photos, they are just crazy, They're like bad, they're

461
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,440
Speaker 5: so good. So you're only going to choose one though,

462
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,600
Speaker 5: So if you can choose a number between or a

463
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,000
Speaker 5: number out of one in three, we're gonna go ahead

464
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,280
Speaker 5: and show you the photo on the big screen and

465
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,720
Speaker 5: then you can give us more context.

466
00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,200
Speaker 4: Let's go at three.

467
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 5: Okay, let's see number three. This is a cute one.

468
00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:06,359
Speaker 5: This is actually a really cute one. Okay, hold on,

469
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:10,679
Speaker 5: hold on, let me share and please describe the photo

470
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 5: for folks that are not watching us on Patreon and

471
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 5: then give us the contact were looking.

472
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:23,240
Speaker 2: At Okay, we're looking at me, just luxuriating in infinity

473
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:24,960
Speaker 2: pool overlooking.

474
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:26,600
Speaker 4: The Pacific Ocean. I was in Maui.

475
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:33,879
Speaker 2: This was my bridal photography shoot, and I was just

476
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:39,200
Speaker 2: basking in the feminine energy of getting married, the celebration

477
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:45,280
Speaker 2: of you know, culminating a love a wedding, right, and

478
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:48,480
Speaker 2: I just was at peace and in such deep gratitude.

479
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,000
Speaker 2: So yeah, that's the context, mind, is why I have

480
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:55,600
Speaker 2: the flower wreaths on my head and I'm just basking

481
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:59,320
Speaker 2: in the water. My friend Andrea Housman, she's amazing cocohus

482
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,240
Speaker 2: photography this and it's one of my favorite pictures. But

483
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,479
Speaker 2: to me, it look even my quote is like, are

484
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,240
Speaker 2: you ready to step into your feminine essence?

485
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,520
Speaker 4: Exactly? This was like feminine goddess energy.

486
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:15,000
Speaker 3: Wow, I see it, I see it. So lady, if

487
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:19,600
Speaker 3: you're listening to this episode, you definitely need to become

488
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:24,200
Speaker 3: a Patreon subscriber so that you can see that beautiful photo.

489
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:28,800
Speaker 5: All right, now, we're going to hop right back into

490
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:33,000
Speaker 5: our conversation here with our next question free. So hopefully

491
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,639
Speaker 5: you enjoyed the oh you blatch it segment and thank you.

492
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:38,280
Speaker 4: Yeah that was great.

493
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,000
Speaker 5: Now, one thing I want to ask you about. You

494
00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:44,680
Speaker 5: mentioned this in this segment. You talked about black women

495
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:49,360
Speaker 5: just opening up their their their pool of options when

496
00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:52,040
Speaker 5: it comes to dating. One thing that I often hear

497
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,120
Speaker 5: a lot of black women's or black people talk about

498
00:26:54,119 --> 00:26:58,080
Speaker 5: when it comes to dating is their partner not understanding

499
00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,680
Speaker 5: the black experience. Can you talk to that in particular,

500
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:03,440
Speaker 5: I hear this from men and women who are dating

501
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,879
Speaker 5: with like you know, I experienced this thing on the street,

502
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,359
Speaker 5: and I come home to my partner and they may

503
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:11,280
Speaker 5: not understand how to navigate that. So stillity breaks stillity.

504
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:17,199
Speaker 2: So this is my thing. So we assume that a

505
00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 2: black per another black person is going to intrinsically understand

506
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,879
Speaker 2: our experience, which they most likely will most likely not

507
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,480
Speaker 2: always write all skin folk.

508
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:27,200
Speaker 4: And campbou right.

509
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 2: But we also assume that they're going to provide us

510
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 2: the most comfort for that experience. And that is not

511
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,760
Speaker 2: necessarily true, as most people can attest to being in

512
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:41,000
Speaker 2: families where people do not provide you the optimal type

513
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 2: of support that you would like to have. For me,

514
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:49,080
Speaker 2: I went through the process of opening my dating my

515
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,720
Speaker 2: dating arena. My husband is actually Persian. I was not

516
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 2: intending on dating or marrying somebody who was not black,

517
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,600
Speaker 2: but it just so happened that my person happens be black.

518
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,959
Speaker 2: Once I really allow myself to open and expand. And

519
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,879
Speaker 2: I went through the what if he doesn't understand? What

520
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:10,479
Speaker 2: if he's my husband is like the most supportive, the

521
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,600
Speaker 2: most black lives matter, Baby, what you need from me?

522
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 4: Okay?

523
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,440
Speaker 2: We was dressed in Damn Daishiki's for the premiere of

524
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,640
Speaker 2: Black Panther Together. I was like, we all come and dressed.

525
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:24,639
Speaker 2: He was like, Okay, what I need to wear? You know?

526
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,879
Speaker 2: So it's like, you don't necessarily have that from your partner.

527
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:31,120
Speaker 2: And I will say because he's he is a person

528
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:35,080
Speaker 2: of color, so he does understand quite a lot of

529
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,520
Speaker 2: what I experience. Not everything, but I will say that

530
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 2: there's probably five ten percent of things I really need

531
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,320
Speaker 2: to sit down and explain to him. So I think

532
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 2: he's really like, you have to give each person an

533
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:52,200
Speaker 2: opportunity to show you how open they are, how supportive

534
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,040
Speaker 2: they are, because what we ultimately want is we want

535
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 2: to feel safety in our relationship around our black experience,

536
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,040
Speaker 2: and safety can come from anywhere. We just assume the

537
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:06,000
Speaker 2: only person who can make us feel safe is a

538
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 2: black person. But like most women, I also have experienced

539
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:15,120
Speaker 2: dating a black man and feeling not supported in some

540
00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:18,440
Speaker 2: of my black journeys. You know, when I went natural,

541
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:21,280
Speaker 2: I did a big chop. Right at the time, my

542
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,320
Speaker 2: boyfriend was not happy about that big chop. He was

543
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:29,000
Speaker 2: not understanding the natural situation, whereas my husband was like

544
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:32,000
Speaker 2: that that looked good, you know, like I like it,

545
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,000
Speaker 2: I love it, I want to feel it, I want

546
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,520
Speaker 2: to put my hands in it, like it's just gorgeous

547
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:39,440
Speaker 2: to him. So and that was surprising for me, right,

548
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:41,640
Speaker 2: And I know that there's not everyone's experience because I've

549
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 2: dated other black men who absolutely loved my natural hair

550
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,720
Speaker 2: and I felt support in all the things. But I'm

551
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 2: just putting it that, like, sometimes we have to open

552
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 2: our mind and allow people to show us who they

553
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 2: are rather than dating trying to prevent a piece of

554
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 2: pain that hasn't even happened yet.

555
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:02,080
Speaker 3: Wow, thank you for that. I think that that has

556
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 3: probably been the best explanation that I have heard so

557
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:13,680
Speaker 3: far around why it's important for black women to open

558
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:19,760
Speaker 3: themselves up to dating outside of black men. Yeah, so

559
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:24,480
Speaker 3: thank you for that. And so something you mentioned in

560
00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:27,640
Speaker 3: that question and the answer to that question about the

561
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:32,080
Speaker 3: need for safety, right and for all of us, that's

562
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:36,160
Speaker 3: like on the basic that's basic levels of needs right

563
00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:40,320
Speaker 3: right after food, clothing and shelter is like the need

564
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 3: for safety MH. But some of what can trigger our

565
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,320
Speaker 3: safety needs is based in trauma.

566
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:52,800
Speaker 4: Absolutely.

567
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:58,520
Speaker 3: And so what are some of the common patterns or

568
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 3: blind spots that you notice from clients who are interested

569
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 3: in dating but not aware that they have trauma.

570
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:11,320
Speaker 2: It's a wonderful question. There's a couple big pieces that

571
00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 2: stick out for me. One of my top pieces that

572
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:18,520
Speaker 2: I kind of look for is pessimism. I always tell

573
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:22,040
Speaker 2: people when they start my Diamond Dating League, which is

574
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:25,160
Speaker 2: like my kind of course curriculum that take people through

575
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:27,040
Speaker 2: when they want to do like they want to learn

576
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 2: how to have elevated dating and learn how to successfully

577
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,360
Speaker 2: navigate that for healthy relationships.

578
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:35,040
Speaker 4: I always say that you are not afraid of new love,

579
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:36,120
Speaker 4: you're afraid of old pain.

580
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:39,240
Speaker 3: Oh say that one more time for the people in

581
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:39,640
Speaker 3: the back.

582
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,800
Speaker 2: You are not afraid of new love, you are afraid

583
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:47,880
Speaker 2: of old pain. And that pessimism is a sign that

584
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:50,680
Speaker 2: you have old pain and you are afraid of re

585
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:56,600
Speaker 2: experiencing that, which is basically a trauma. So very pessimistic

586
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,200
Speaker 2: is you know, I'm not saying it doesn't come from anywhere.

587
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,560
Speaker 2: When I hear people say the streets are trash or

588
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:04,400
Speaker 2: these men don't want to commit in all these things.

589
00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 4: I'm not gaslighting you. I know that those those things exist.

590
00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 4: I experience those things myself.

591
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 2: But the belief that there's nothing out there, there's no

592
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 2: one out there, that kind of scarcity thinking and stuff,

593
00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 2: it usually comes from trauma, and that trauma can show

594
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:21,600
Speaker 2: up a lot of different ways. You know, for black

595
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:28,120
Speaker 2: women in particular, there's so much heightened focused and media focus,

596
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 2: and not as much now we do a better job

597
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:32,960
Speaker 2: of showing like black joy and black excellence and stuff.

598
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,120
Speaker 2: But there was a period where it was brutal. I mean,

599
00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:38,720
Speaker 2: every time you turn on the dog one the damn television,

600
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,000
Speaker 2: it was like, you're gonna be single. Also, you're gonna

601
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 2: have diabetes. Also, you're gonna die in Childer also didn't

602
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,719
Speaker 2: got no men for you also, and he was like, damn,

603
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:50,640
Speaker 2: you know, I just like you're just ingesting that toxicity

604
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 2: every day. So how can you feel hopeful when you're

605
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:58,560
Speaker 2: constantly being traumatized by you know, statistic and talk pieces

606
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 2: and thing pieces that are basically telling you there's nothing

607
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:05,000
Speaker 2: out there's barren land for you. And so that pessimism.

608
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 2: It's not that it doesn't come from anywhere, but I

609
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,400
Speaker 2: do consider the type of trauma specifically that a lot

610
00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:11,640
Speaker 2: of black women Carrie. So I do a lot of

611
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:14,320
Speaker 2: debugging of all of those things and showing like that's

612
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 2: not gonna help you. That's not gonna help you. You know,

613
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:18,480
Speaker 2: I keep saying this people, that's not gonna help you. Like,

614
00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,760
Speaker 2: what's gonna help you is this other way of thinking

615
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:26,320
Speaker 2: and opening up your world. Another sign of trauma that

616
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,720
Speaker 2: I think pattern trauma that I think people need to

617
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:33,400
Speaker 2: recognize is if you keep getting the non committals and

618
00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 2: having emotionally unavailable attachments with people, that is definitely a

619
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:43,920
Speaker 2: sign of past trauma. Yes, in general, there are a

620
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:47,600
Speaker 2: lot of people who are less committal. I frankly believe

621
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:53,240
Speaker 2: that that's also from trauma that everyone experiences. Like these

622
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 2: men walk around with trauma too, you know what I mean? Men, women, children, babies,

623
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,480
Speaker 2: all the people are walking around with trauma and process.

624
00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,560
Speaker 2: But if it's been years and years and years you

625
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:07,960
Speaker 2: only have situationships, I'm telling you it is a sign

626
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:11,160
Speaker 2: that you need to do some deeper work. People don't

627
00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:13,040
Speaker 2: like to hear that, but then when we do the

628
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:15,560
Speaker 2: work and then they're like, I have a I'm in

629
00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:19,439
Speaker 2: a relationship. Now, I'm like, see, you know what I mean,

630
00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:22,960
Speaker 2: Like it's a sign.

631
00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:23,959
Speaker 4: Yeah.

632
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:26,839
Speaker 2: What I usually say is like five years, no relationships,

633
00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:30,480
Speaker 2: only situationships you need to be looking at if there's

634
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 2: some trauma. And then I think the other thing that

635
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:34,920
Speaker 2: I really like to look for is like if you

636
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:39,520
Speaker 2: are overthinking, over analyzing every little thing, that's definitely a

637
00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:43,360
Speaker 2: sign of trauma. You're being hyper vigilant about pain points

638
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 2: that can happen. So those are just some really big flags.

639
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:47,200
Speaker 2: There's a lot more.

640
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,200
Speaker 5: But you know, that's super helpful. And I'm sure some

641
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 5: people are having aha moments or ouch moments right where

642
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,399
Speaker 5: it's like, oh damn, she's talking about me, So lady,

643
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:58,839
Speaker 5: you have resources here in this interview, right, So bring

644
00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:01,920
Speaker 5: I've experienced this in my journey, but I've heard this

645
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 5: from friends to where, you know, back in college, that's

646
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,359
Speaker 5: will happen a lot. You go home and they're like,

647
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:09,480
Speaker 5: when you're going to be in a relationship, when's the

648
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:12,080
Speaker 5: baby coming? When is it just all in your business?

649
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:12,359
Speaker 3: Right?

650
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:15,920
Speaker 5: Just inappropriate and well meaning but like well intentioned, but

651
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:18,680
Speaker 5: it's like, no, thanks, what are some practical tips right

652
00:35:18,719 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 5: that you would recommend for friends and family who are

653
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:23,840
Speaker 5: looking to support a loved one who is struggling with

654
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:25,240
Speaker 5: their dating life.

655
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, so the pressure is not going to ever help,

656
00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:31,719
Speaker 2: you know. I think it's always important to come from

657
00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:35,520
Speaker 2: a conversational space rather than like, I have an intention

658
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,360
Speaker 2: to get you to do something space. And sometimes asking

659
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:43,800
Speaker 2: one well placed question is better than having a question

660
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:48,680
Speaker 2: that has a specific agenda behind it, you know, asking somebody,

661
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:51,520
Speaker 2: how are you doing, how's the love life going? How's

662
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:54,400
Speaker 2: the love life going? It's very different than when you're

663
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:57,680
Speaker 2: gonna bring somebody home, you know, like, how's the love

664
00:35:57,719 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 2: life going? That's a piece of concern. That's the area

665
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,560
Speaker 2: of people's life that you know they can talk about

666
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:06,560
Speaker 2: and share. And just being encouraging. I always say that,

667
00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:12,239
Speaker 2: like we need more positive voices encouraging relationships. Again, relationships

668
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,680
Speaker 2: are not the end all be all of anybody's worth.

669
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,359
Speaker 2: You know, we don't all have to be in relationships,

670
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:22,400
Speaker 2: but certainly we are relational creatures and love is a

671
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:26,200
Speaker 2: deep desire for most people. And so just encouraging a

672
00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:28,600
Speaker 2: person being like, you know, love is out there and

673
00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:33,680
Speaker 2: you should just stay positive. Eventually, that's going to happen

674
00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:36,319
Speaker 2: for you. I believe it. You know, whatever those things are.

675
00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:38,560
Speaker 2: If love is something that you want, is finding its

676
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,800
Speaker 2: way to you, learning how to say some positive things

677
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:43,800
Speaker 2: rather than what you're doing wrong. A lot of times

678
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:47,760
Speaker 2: people come from this position of what are you doing

679
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:51,000
Speaker 2: wrong to not have had this thing, rather than being

680
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:54,920
Speaker 2: encouraging about Oh okay, well I'm encouraging you.

681
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,319
Speaker 4: I believe in you. I see your worth. You know.

682
00:36:57,719 --> 00:36:59,680
Speaker 2: I want you to keep hope. I want you to

683
00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:01,880
Speaker 2: keep belief in this area of your life. If this

684
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:04,680
Speaker 2: is something that you want, beautiful, Oh.

685
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:05,319
Speaker 4: I love that.

686
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 3: I think that that's so important is to focus on

687
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:13,680
Speaker 3: the positive, right, you know, there's that what's that old

688
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 3: saying you attract more bees with honey than vinegar, goes

689
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:21,160
Speaker 3: something like that. So that basically, if you wanting, if

690
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:24,360
Speaker 3: you have concern about someone in your life who's dating,

691
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:28,080
Speaker 3: be kind in the conversation.

692
00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:29,799
Speaker 4: I like that.

693
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:34,320
Speaker 3: And so now let's say that someone is out there

694
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:38,799
Speaker 3: and they recognize like they've been listening and they're like

695
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:42,640
Speaker 3: they've had those aha or those ouch moments, and they

696
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:47,760
Speaker 3: recognize that they've got some work to do on healing

697
00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:53,600
Speaker 3: their trauma or other mental health concerns before they start

698
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 3: the dating process. I know therapy is always going to

699
00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:01,520
Speaker 3: be one option, but what are some other tips to

700
00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:06,280
Speaker 3: help that person start processing and healing before they start dating.

701
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:10,840
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I think that outside of therapy would is like

702
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:15,240
Speaker 2: gold standard, go to therapy right, Definitely hire a dating coach.

703
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:19,520
Speaker 2: I mean, one thing I always point out because I

704
00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:23,239
Speaker 2: work with single successful women, is like we will invest

705
00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:27,160
Speaker 2: in areas of growth for almost everything except for our

706
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,440
Speaker 2: love life. It'll be like I'm going to start a business.

707
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,280
Speaker 2: I'm gonna get a business coach. I have a tax professional.

708
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:33,720
Speaker 2: I have a cleaning lady. I have a hair stylist,

709
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:35,799
Speaker 2: I have a manicurist, I have you know, I'm not

710
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:36,399
Speaker 2: doing my car.

711
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,480
Speaker 4: I have a package to get the car done. You know.

712
00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:41,759
Speaker 2: But when it comes to love life, it's like a

713
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:44,040
Speaker 2: little bit of the Disney programming is there of like

714
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:46,479
Speaker 2: it's gonna happen or it's not going to happen. Prince

715
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:50,520
Speaker 2: Charman is just gonna, you know, my special person. And

716
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:52,680
Speaker 2: I don't want to all just use you know, gender language,

717
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:55,400
Speaker 2: but like my person is going to come and finding

718
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,640
Speaker 2: there's nothing for me to do. And I think that

719
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:03,400
Speaker 2: is some condition unfortunately that a lot of women have

720
00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,440
Speaker 2: been socialized to think. And the truth is that you

721
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,400
Speaker 2: can have an active you can be an active participant

722
00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:12,560
Speaker 2: in your love life. So hiring somebody who's a professional

723
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:15,080
Speaker 2: in that area is a key move. There is the

724
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,799
Speaker 2: money making move. I definitely think you should enlist relationship

725
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:22,040
Speaker 2: positive people. It will not help you to just have

726
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:27,000
Speaker 2: relationship toxic voices around you or people who are all experiencing,

727
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:33,720
Speaker 2: you know, like if all your friends are newly traumatized

728
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:39,440
Speaker 2: or divorced or in the strugglations too. Right, what we

729
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:41,759
Speaker 2: believe is what we find. So it's like you're going

730
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:45,120
Speaker 2: to be in an echo chamber, an echo chamber of

731
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:49,120
Speaker 2: like it's bad out here, there's hopelessness. And if you

732
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:52,400
Speaker 2: maybe have some people around you that are saying, you

733
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:54,960
Speaker 2: know what, there are STI good people, you're a good person.

734
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,320
Speaker 2: If you're a good person, there's another one, you know

735
00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,520
Speaker 2: what I mean. So it's like there's somebody out there,

736
00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:01,279
Speaker 2: and I want to keep encouraging you. I think it's

737
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:04,120
Speaker 2: so important to cultivate those relationships, specifically people who are

738
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:08,759
Speaker 2: relationship positive. I definitely always tell people to detox their

739
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:15,160
Speaker 2: social media following those accounts that drive you crazy, and

740
00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:17,839
Speaker 2: you know they be giving everybody in their MoMA microphone now,

741
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:21,440
Speaker 2: so people be talking reckless and you know it's click baity.

742
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:23,520
Speaker 2: We know that those are going to We know it's

743
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:25,960
Speaker 2: going to cause We know it's going to cause people

744
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:29,919
Speaker 2: to talk. You know, we know that there are relationship

745
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:33,359
Speaker 2: and dating experts that basically just berat people all day

746
00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 2: and make people mad and make people, you know, tear

747
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:40,680
Speaker 2: them down for everything under the sun. Do not ingest

748
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:43,200
Speaker 2: that stuff. It's not you know, it's it's only going

749
00:40:43,239 --> 00:40:47,279
Speaker 2: to hurt. And then get yourself a support of friends

750
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:49,400
Speaker 2: who are in the same place as you but have

751
00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:54,040
Speaker 2: the same mindset of wanting to have love and have

752
00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,720
Speaker 2: some healing around dating, so that you all can encourage

753
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:59,319
Speaker 2: each other and make a pact. Be like, look, we

754
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:02,320
Speaker 2: don't have a specifivic thread for the dating and in

755
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:06,160
Speaker 2: that zone, we're gonna encourage each other. So if somebody

756
00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:07,719
Speaker 2: goes to you, guess what we're all going to do.

757
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:11,040
Speaker 2: We're gonna be like by gone by, ghosts, by ghosts,

758
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:12,080
Speaker 2: your bomb, your fire.

759
00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:14,719
Speaker 4: We love you, You're worth it, You're worthy, your love

760
00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:15,200
Speaker 4: is coming.

761
00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:17,640
Speaker 2: You know, like you have that squad and that's going

762
00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:20,239
Speaker 2: to keep you uplifted, And so you're all vibing off

763
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,799
Speaker 2: of that same thing, and I promise you it will

764
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:23,760
Speaker 2: be a game changer.

765
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,480
Speaker 5: That is so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing

766
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:30,520
Speaker 5: these gyms. Now, I do want to say I've heard

767
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:33,719
Speaker 5: of FOMO right fear of missing out and researching for

768
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:36,320
Speaker 5: this episode, I didn't realize that. I guess it's called FOTA.

769
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:38,560
Speaker 5: Fear of dating again is a thing. I was like,

770
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,680
Speaker 5: everything they do, well, you gave us. Okay, you gave

771
00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:44,640
Speaker 5: us some tips. Can you talk a little bit about

772
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:47,480
Speaker 5: or maybe share two practical tips that someone can use

773
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,720
Speaker 5: today on their dating profile. You dropped a couple throughout

774
00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:52,880
Speaker 5: the episode, but like someone that's listening to, like, I

775
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:55,160
Speaker 5: got the coach, I got my group chat with my friends.

776
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:56,879
Speaker 5: What can I do on my dating profile right now?

777
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:59,040
Speaker 5: What should I have on there so that I can

778
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:02,239
Speaker 5: attract my husband, you or whoever they're they're trying to

779
00:42:02,239 --> 00:42:03,360
Speaker 5: attract their partner.

780
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,520
Speaker 4: Oh, I love this question. So I'll give two grade tips.

781
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,600
Speaker 2: One, the photo is everything, So you got to have

782
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:10,520
Speaker 2: the golden photo.

783
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,200
Speaker 4: Golden photo being a clear shot.

784
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:17,200
Speaker 2: Nobody else in a shot during the daytime, chest upward

785
00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:23,600
Speaker 2: eyes engaged, perfectly smiling. Right, okay, yes this is y'all.

786
00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 2: Give come on, y'all ready, y'all like, geez, you know

787
00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:27,360
Speaker 2: what I mean.

788
00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:29,400
Speaker 4: Give a little bit of charm.

789
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:32,840
Speaker 2: Make sure your eyes are smising, like you know, tirebanks

790
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:36,920
Speaker 2: say or whatever. Have that shot as your top profile

791
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:40,959
Speaker 2: picture is going to yield a lot better. Next, get

792
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:44,240
Speaker 2: rid of anything on your profile that is negative, because

793
00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:46,360
Speaker 2: people quickly associate you with negative.

794
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:50,200
Speaker 4: So do not talk to mister egg plan.

795
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:54,040
Speaker 2: Don't be like, don't don't message me if you overhear

796
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:57,000
Speaker 2: with the pictures with the like, don't even acknowledge those

797
00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,160
Speaker 2: people use that that real estate to talk about who

798
00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:04,359
Speaker 2: it is that you want to attract. Right, because if

799
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:07,160
Speaker 2: somebody sees that you are complaining about all of the

800
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:10,840
Speaker 2: dusties on the app, they know that you are struggling

801
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,359
Speaker 2: with the dusties. So if they're not a dusty, they're

802
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 2: going to be like, oh, she's really struggling and it's

803
00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 2: giving better. So then you know what I mean. And

804
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:23,720
Speaker 2: we've seen it before. You've been shopping and seeing somebody

805
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:26,520
Speaker 2: who's just complaining and it's like you complaining, it's not

806
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:28,520
Speaker 2: attracting me to you. I don't even know who you are,

807
00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:30,839
Speaker 2: and all I see is that you're frustrated. So I

808
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:36,719
Speaker 2: say get rid of any negative tidbits and get yourself

809
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 2: at least one good quality picture. I always tell people

810
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:44,960
Speaker 2: it's better to have three good pictures than three good,

811
00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 2: two bad one. Okay, like, you don't have to use

812
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,240
Speaker 2: all the pictures. It's better to have a little mystery

813
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:54,879
Speaker 2: and give a strong impression than to have stuff out

814
00:43:54,880 --> 00:43:56,000
Speaker 2: there that's dragging you down.

815
00:43:57,000 --> 00:44:00,480
Speaker 5: So no picture with the filter with the dog emoji, none.

816
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:05,480
Speaker 2: Of no dvancing toasts, no sausage sandwiches, no cast, no dogs,

817
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:07,719
Speaker 2: none of those silly filters.

818
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:09,600
Speaker 4: Get rid of them. Everyone knows.

819
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:11,759
Speaker 2: You know, if your eyes are like seven times the

820
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 2: size of normal and your skin looks like it's been

821
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:19,279
Speaker 2: buffed with a professional car waxer, then don't.

822
00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 4: Use it because people know that you don't look like that.

823
00:44:23,520 --> 00:44:25,920
Speaker 5: That was so good, Britte. This was such a vibe.

824
00:44:26,120 --> 00:44:26,960
Speaker 4: You were vibe.

825
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:30,080
Speaker 5: Y'all got to go on Patreon tune in your background

826
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:32,239
Speaker 5: vibe you look like. The content was great. This was

827
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:34,880
Speaker 5: so much fun. Thank you for the work that you

828
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 5: do and for just dropping so many gens here on

829
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,560
Speaker 5: the episode. Please let people know what you're working on,

830
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:41,640
Speaker 5: how they can support you, how they can follow you,

831
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:43,280
Speaker 5: where to find you, all that good stuff.

832
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:47,640
Speaker 2: Absolutely, you guys can follow me at the Gathered Life

833
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:52,839
Speaker 2: on Instagram, at gathered Life on TikTok. My website is

834
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:56,000
Speaker 2: www dot thegatheredlife dot com.

835
00:44:56,040 --> 00:44:57,680
Speaker 4: I'm very brand consistent.

836
00:44:57,800 --> 00:45:00,560
Speaker 2: Okay, so you want to get gathered to follow me

837
00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:03,920
Speaker 2: at the gather Life. I'm most active on ig I

838
00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:06,719
Speaker 2: have a free masterclass that I usually do maybe once

839
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,200
Speaker 2: every two months, so definitely hop in for that. The

840
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:13,800
Speaker 2: link is in my Instagram bio where I just go through,

841
00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:16,960
Speaker 2: you know, the top dating trends that are killing your

842
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:19,960
Speaker 2: love life, the high value qualities that you need to

843
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:26,560
Speaker 2: get a high quality partner, and upgrading your profile. So

844
00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:30,799
Speaker 2: definitely follow that. And yeah, I'd love to connect. I'm

845
00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:33,160
Speaker 2: so happy to be here. This was a great conversation.

846
00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:38,439
Speaker 3: Oh yes, we definitely enjoyed having you.

847
00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:42,520
Speaker 6: Hey lady, it's Terry here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

848
00:45:42,920 --> 00:45:45,680
Speaker 6: I'm hosting a free podcasting masterclass where I'm going to

849
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:49,319
Speaker 6: teach you how to create your impactful podcast and how

850
00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:52,440
Speaker 6: you can generate multiple streams of income. You can visit

851
00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:56,360
Speaker 6: podcast with terry dot com to register for free. I

852
00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:57,200
Speaker 6: hope to see you there.

853
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:03,400
Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show

854
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:09,360
Speaker 3: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and

855
00:46:09,480 --> 00:46:12,600
Speaker 3: mental health, but is by no means meant to be

856
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:16,960
Speaker 3: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained

857
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:21,040
Speaker 3: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is

858
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:24,400
Speaker 3: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy

859
00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:30,360
Speaker 3: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

860
00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:32,759
Speaker 7: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

861
00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:37,760
Speaker 7: the conversation going, visit our website at cultivatinghirspace dot com

862
00:46:38,160 --> 00:46:40,439
Speaker 7: and be sure to click the Patreon tab to get

863
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:45,799
Speaker 7: access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show.

864
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:50,160
Speaker 5: And before we meet again, repete after me. Just because

865
00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 5: I can do it all doesn't mean I have to

866
00:46:52,520 --> 00:46:53,040
Speaker 5: do it all.