WEBVTT - Taylor Armstrong Gets Her I Do Part 2 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.680 Some listeners may find this content disturbing. This episode discusses 0:00:03.720 --> 0:00:07.200 domestic abuse as well as suicide. Please proceed with caution. 0:00:07.760 --> 0:00:10.040 This is Taylor Armstrong in her own. 0:00:09.880 --> 0:00:32.279 Words, Taylor, thank you for continuing to show your story. So, 0:00:32.320 --> 0:00:37.120 now it happens, you've been out it and you talk 0:00:37.159 --> 0:00:38.400 to your friend, We're going to have to tell him. 0:00:38.400 --> 0:00:41.200 So what happens then? So we start going to couples 0:00:41.240 --> 0:00:45.080 counseling with doctor Sophie at doctor Sophie's urging, and well, 0:00:45.120 --> 0:00:49.080 I let doctor Sophie Sophie urge Russell into it, and 0:00:49.240 --> 0:00:54.440 so we started going and slowly doctor Sophie was He's 0:00:54.480 --> 0:00:59.160 so amazing. But he would say, Okay, you know there's 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:03.320 talk around town that there's some things going on, and 0:01:03.440 --> 0:01:06.880 you know, Russell, let's talk about this and is there 0:01:06.880 --> 0:01:09.240 any reality to that? And so he did it in 0:01:09.280 --> 0:01:13.080 such a slow way that it didn't seem like he 0:01:13.160 --> 0:01:15.200 was going to get ambushed on the show. It was 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:18.039 just you know, there's people talking around town and I 0:01:18.040 --> 0:01:21.039 don't know are these things true? And he created a 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:25.559 safety plan for us where he so with our landline phones. 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:28.640 But like if you too start to get in an argument, 0:01:28.840 --> 0:01:31.600 then you need to go into two separate rooms in 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:33.319 the house and both get on the phone with me 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:34.920 and we'll talk through it. 0:01:35.319 --> 0:01:37.480 I can't believe Russel was even open to talking to 0:01:37.560 --> 0:01:40.840 this person, much less like coming up with any kind 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:44.200 of strategy. I mean, it's that he would even have 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:48.320 this self awareness to be open to like, you know, 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:50.520 this has to change. 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:52.840 I'm not sure he was open to this has to change, 0:01:52.880 --> 0:01:55.560 but he was definitely. I think that Doctor Sophie is 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:58.360 saying things like, you know, there's people that are talking. 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:02.080 I'm more worried about this. He's getting discovered. Perception of 0:02:02.240 --> 0:02:05.920 him before we finally told him, you know, it's it's 0:02:05.960 --> 0:02:07.160 coming out on the show. 0:02:08.080 --> 0:02:10.280 And how to go once he told him, once he 0:02:10.360 --> 0:02:11.160 really knew. 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:14.480 I think he was scared. I mean, it was, of 0:02:14.520 --> 0:02:22.760 course angry as can be and in denial and then litigious. 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:27.799 He started, you know, firing off emails to Evolution, which 0:02:27.840 --> 0:02:30.320 I was aware of, and then he sent one to 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:36.360 Camille also threatening a lawsuit or whatever. I didn't know 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:38.440 about that one, but I knew about the Evolution one, 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:41.840 and I think he at that point he was in 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:44.919 panic mode, thinking that he could somehow keep it off 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:48.760 the show. Which we both still How was the at 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:50.000 that point? What was the abuse? 0:02:50.080 --> 0:02:52.280 Like the physical abuse was still happening even though he'd 0:02:52.280 --> 0:02:56.680 been How did I know that the abuse obviously still happened? 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.079 But was he still was it still physical? Wasn't he? 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:02.519 Was he more concerned now that he'd been outed? He 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:05.600 that it matters? I guess, But well, no, you know, 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:08.960 I don't feel like the ranting got any better. Maybe 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:11.160 it even got worse, because it would be like him 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:16.520 blaming me for now potentially destroying his career from this 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:20.560 being on his reputation, so definitely, so a lot of that, 0:03:21.080 --> 0:03:24.480 and well, I mean, ultimately you know how all of 0:03:24.480 --> 0:03:25.040 it ends. 0:03:24.960 --> 0:03:29.720 Well, it's you're I can't believe you're such an open book. 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:33.120 I think it's whatever. It's so great, but whatever. To 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:36.840 like just is it's kind of shocking how much you're 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:39.680 willing to talk about it. Because again, like as a viewer, 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:44.360 you I felt like I was watching it and somehow 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:46.960 like getting it, but I didn't get it at all 0:03:47.280 --> 0:03:50.920 as a viewer of reality television, like this discussion is 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:55.360 so different than and I knew I was watching the 0:03:55.400 --> 0:03:57.840 episode when Camille said what she said, and so it 0:03:57.880 --> 0:03:59.480 was the shock, but like the details of it are 0:03:59.520 --> 0:04:05.640 just so horrible. So so okay, so you get divorced 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:09.000 or you obviously you file for divorce, and yes, of 0:04:09.000 --> 0:04:12.040 course I know what happened. Next Russell commits suicide, right right, 0:04:12.120 --> 0:04:13.400 So I mean I don't even know. 0:04:14.080 --> 0:04:17.320 So I hadn't filed for divorce, then you hadn't. No, no, 0:04:17.440 --> 0:04:23.919 So let's see. So it was my the last time 0:04:24.040 --> 0:04:26.880 he hit me, it was my birthday and we had 0:04:26.920 --> 0:04:32.279 thrown a huge party and that day we were checking 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:35.400 we checked into a hotel in Beverly Hills and he 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:37.640 gave me like all these gifts, and he wrote me 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:40.719 a card and it was like a front and a 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:43.120 back of a card, and it was all about how 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:46.040 he was going to change, and he knew that, you know, 0:04:46.080 --> 0:04:47.640 he hadn't been a good husband to me, and he 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:50.080 had never done anything like that. And you hear people 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:52.440 talk about the honeymoon phase after someone's abusive to you 0:04:52.440 --> 0:04:54.280 and then they're super nice to your bringing roses the 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:56.560 next day. He was not like that with me. There 0:04:56.600 --> 0:04:59.160 was no honeymoon phase. So he would be abusive and 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:01.359 then or or whatever, but then the next day it 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.479 was no remorse. Now we definitely did not have that 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:07.400 honeymoon face. So when I saw that happen on my birthday, 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:10.719 I thought, Okay, maybe things aren't going to change because 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:13.159 I've never seen this side of him. Maybe he really 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:14.919 is going to be the good person that I know 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:17.800 he can be. And it gave me so much hope. 0:05:17.920 --> 0:05:20.159 And so then we went to my birthday party. So 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:21.640 we checked in the hotel, he gives me the gifts 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:25.080 in the card, and then we went to my birthday party, 0:05:25.120 --> 0:05:29.000 had a great time, and Lisa vander Pump's daughter had 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:33.359 just gotten had her bachelorette party on the show, and 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:35.000 we went to Vegas and we went to the Chip 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.000 and Dale's. You know, it was just silly and we 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:39.040 got up on stage and you know, they're all oiled 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:42.680 up and it was, you know, twenty year old girls 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:45.480 bachelorette party, and we were filming the whole thing, obviously. 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:48.839 So we go to the birthday party, we have a blast. 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.719 We get back to the room, we're in bed and 0:05:52.279 --> 0:05:56.279 he says, I know you slept with the Chippendales in Vegas, 0:05:57.320 --> 0:06:00.240 and I was like, what are you talking about out 0:06:01.279 --> 0:06:05.000 and it was just like unfathomable. I thought, wait, It's 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:07.680 only been like a matter of hours since he said 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:09.840 he's not going to be this person again, and it's 0:06:09.880 --> 0:06:13.120 my birthday and he's already back to being this person. 0:06:13.560 --> 0:06:16.520 And he's just braiding me, and you know, saying how 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:18.560 what a slut I am and all, you know, all 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:20.880 those kinds of things. And I mean, first of all, 0:06:20.880 --> 0:06:22.880 this is absolutely ridiculous. I'm gonna go sleep with the 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:25.280 Chip and Down and you were filming the show. I mean, 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:27.440 the whole thing was I just like, are you sarious? 0:06:27.480 --> 0:06:30.240 Like we're not really going here, are we? This is ridiculous, 0:06:30.279 --> 0:06:32.880 This is absurd. I mean I was with Lisa, like 0:06:33.080 --> 0:06:35.520 and then I'm just explaining everything when I shouldn't even have. 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:37.080 I should have just been like, I'm not having this 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:39.159 conversation with you, but that wouldn't work with him. 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:41.240 Yeah, it's just I mean, because it was always probably 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:43.800 I mean this, yes, obviously it would be absurd to 0:06:43.800 --> 0:06:45.880 think of you having you're with the Chippingdales guy, but 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:48.239 it was always absurd, like you had fourteen dollars of coffee, 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:50.800 so you you know, it's like, so you get to 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:52.320 the point where you know it's not going to help 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:55.919 try to explain it away, right, It's like, doesn't matter 0:06:55.960 --> 0:07:02.039 what you say at this point. He wants to rageolutely. 0:07:01.160 --> 0:07:04.880 And so it just he just escalated and then he 0:07:05.200 --> 0:07:08.679 rose up in bed and he punched me in the face. 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:11.040 And because my head, I didn't have anywhere from my 0:07:11.080 --> 0:07:12.800 head to go back, you know, because I was laying 0:07:12.800 --> 0:07:15.679 flat down in the bed. So that's when he fractured 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:19.520 my orbital floor. So then I your orbital floor, so 0:07:19.600 --> 0:07:22.280 if you look at your skull and where the eye 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:26.600 socket would be, underneath, there is the orbital floor holds 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:29.440 or the orbit of your eye. So he fractured that, 0:07:29.600 --> 0:07:33.440 which is actually and I believe it was Mayweather who 0:07:33.600 --> 0:07:36.480 had that injury in a boxing match, but it's it's 0:07:36.520 --> 0:07:40.160 a common, you know, injury with with that area. But yeah, 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:43.920 so he fractured my orbital floor, and then that I 0:07:43.960 --> 0:07:45.120 went to see. 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:48.920 You call the the guymond one was it? 0:07:50.200 --> 0:07:53.040 And at first I thought, Okay, it's not a big deal. 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:55.480 And then the next day when I would move my 0:07:55.560 --> 0:07:58.960 eye around, it was like pinching underneath because the fracture 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:01.240 so like the so my eye was getting kind of 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:04.360 stuck in it, and so I went I had just 0:08:04.440 --> 0:08:08.720 had lasick and I could was having trouble seeing out 0:08:08.720 --> 0:08:11.560 of that eye a little bit. It was like blurry. 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:14.200 So I went to see Carrie, as was my doctor 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:17.680 at the time, who did my lay sick because my 0:08:17.840 --> 0:08:20.360 and they told me my flap was wrinkled and so 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:22.040 they were going to have to try to do a 0:08:22.080 --> 0:08:25.240 repair on it. And he said, this is interesting. So 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:28.520 Russell went with me and he said he did. Yeah. 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:31.840 So he said, the doctor said, how does this happen? 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:34.120 And Russell had told me, tell him you were pushing 0:08:34.200 --> 0:08:36.960 Kennedy on a swing and she kicked you. And so 0:08:37.320 --> 0:08:40.440 I told the doctor that and the doctor said, really, 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:42.400 what kind of doctor like he would even say to 0:08:42.440 --> 0:08:44.560 you and that. 0:08:44.520 --> 0:08:48.600 You you like kind of work with him to make 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:52.120 up the lie. To the doctor, I feel like I'm 0:08:52.280 --> 0:08:54.640 he I feel like I'm Drew Barrymore because every time 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:56.720 you see her on a talk show, she's like this, 0:08:57.280 --> 0:08:58.240 but it's just the stories. 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:01.320 Yeah, crazy, so go on, yeah, so no, no. So 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:04.400 the doctor said, well, what kind of shoes does Kennedy wear? 0:09:05.120 --> 0:09:08.480 And he knew yeah, And I said, well at tennis 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:11.280 shoes And he's like, oh, okay, were you pushing her 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:13.800 from the front of the show. Come on. Is it 0:09:13.920 --> 0:09:15.000 just a laced doctor. 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:17.400 Yeah, but he's like, oh, were you pushing her from 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:18.920 the front of the russe standing there? 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:23.440 Yeah, And the doctor was like okay, like and just 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:25.280 kind of like all right, I'm gonna I'm gonna let 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:27.400 you I'm gonna let you go with this. But this 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:29.480 is bullsh He goes, well, I'll tell you this. I've 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:32.120 only had to do a flap repair one other time, 0:09:32.679 --> 0:09:35.120 and it's from a police officer that was arresting someone 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:39.520 and got punched in the face. Were you scared when 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:42.600 he said it? Russell was there? Oh? Yeah, But at 0:09:42.640 --> 0:09:46.840 the same time he said it very purposely obviously, yeah. 0:09:46.960 --> 0:09:47.120 Yeah. 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:50.240 And how did Rustle react to Oh? Nothing, I mean 0:09:50.280 --> 0:09:52.600 he was good. He could be you know, poker face 0:09:52.679 --> 0:09:55.120 on all of it. So then I went to go 0:09:55.200 --> 0:09:58.400 see the ocular plastic surgeon and this is how this 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:02.160 is how horrible it is when you're in these situations. 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:05.560 So after all the injuries that he that I had 0:10:05.720 --> 0:10:10.200 gone through with him, I go to get the radiography 0:10:10.520 --> 0:10:13.040 back on my eye and now I can see the 0:10:13.120 --> 0:10:15.719 orbital floor fracture and they're telling me I'm gonna have 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:18.640 to have reconstructive surgery. Have a titanium implant in my 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:23.840 orbit now. And it wasn't until that moment that I 0:10:23.960 --> 0:10:27.560 confirmed for myself that I was being abused. It literally 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:30.040 looked took me looking at an X ray of a 0:10:30.120 --> 0:10:34.880 fracture in my face to go, I'm being abused and 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:39.560 not talking myself back out of it. So once that happened, 0:10:39.720 --> 0:10:45.240 I asked him to move out, and he completely changed. 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:48.640 It was so fascinating. One of my friends of years 0:10:48.640 --> 0:10:51.920 prior said to me, if you just stand up to him, 0:10:52.160 --> 0:10:55.080 he'll start backing down. But you just being the weak 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:57.320 one all the time. But I was too afraid to 0:10:57.320 --> 0:11:00.480 stand up to him. So once he moved out, he 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:06.720 started becoming like so willing to do anything to put 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:10.439 things back together to keep me. So now it's public, 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:13.560 right because I was filming the show when he fractured 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:16.480 my robttal floor. But now I have to have reconstructive surgery, 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:20.440 so I have to let the producers know I'm going 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:21.800 to be out, you know with this. 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:27.960 So he when you finally said and you saw it, 0:11:28.040 --> 0:11:30.319 almost see a picture. It just be outside of yourself, right, 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:32.280 see it? That's what it feels like you're saying, like 0:11:32.640 --> 0:11:35.040 actually see it, like proof there. It is black and 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:39.600 white in a picture. But so were you still scared, 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:42.960 Like so now you say move out, it's over. Once 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:46.040 you realized it for yourself and you said this is 0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:50.440 I'm done with this, were you still afraid of him? Yeah? 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:53.520 I was afraid because you know, when well with control, 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:56.760 with abusers, which it's all about control, right, So when 0:11:56.800 --> 0:11:59.560 you finally decide to leave, it is the most dangerous 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:03.480 time abuse her because now they've lost all control and 0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:07.000 they've lost everything that was giving them their power. So 0:12:07.120 --> 0:12:10.160 when he moved out, I slept with one eye open, 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:12.640 you know, and always made sure the alarms were on. 0:12:12.840 --> 0:12:15.560 And Julie was there with me and my assistant and 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:17.520 I had to live in nanny so she was there. 0:12:17.559 --> 0:12:20.160 So I felt like we had enough people there flanking 0:12:20.200 --> 0:12:22.440 the situation if he were to just to go into 0:12:22.480 --> 0:12:25.280 a rage at the locks changed and took the precautions. 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:28.040 But yeah, it was very scary because now he's lost 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:31.079 the control. He's terrified of what's going to happen. He 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:34.120 didn't want me to press charges and what are you 0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:39.560 going to Probably not, but I was friends with some 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:43.600 people in the police and they had said, if you 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:46.320 don't press charges. They're going to press charges anyway, because 0:12:46.320 --> 0:12:48.200 this is too much of a public case. I mean, 0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:51.800 they can't have this happening on television. There was nothing 0:12:51.960 --> 0:12:55.680 done about it. So that was a big fear, is 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:58.040 not knowing how he was going to ultimately react and 0:12:58.080 --> 0:12:59.480 if it was going to be He's going to come 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:01.520 in with a gun kill me, you know, or you know, 0:13:01.679 --> 0:13:04.840 just just with that fear of communicating with him at 0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:07.679 this point or was it did you a little bit 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:11.719 because he would call me, so we would have conversations 0:13:11.720 --> 0:13:13.920 about like how to how he's going to support me 0:13:14.160 --> 0:13:16.920 and things like that, and he was very willing to 0:13:17.000 --> 0:13:19.480 meet with me or talk to me on the phone, 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:23.440 and you know, trying to lacate me, keep me under control. 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:28.320 And here I think, maybe for the first time, feeling 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:29.719 a little bad that I was going to have to 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:32.920 have reconstructive surgery, like actually going wow, I really heard 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:36.040 her this time, as opposed to before when it was 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:39.800 that I deserved it or I caused it. So I 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:41.800 think all the pieces were coming together for him, and 0:13:41.840 --> 0:13:46.000 he was getting more panicked than anything. And fast forward, 0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:49.679 we had had a meeting, well, I got my I 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:55.240 had my reconstructive surgery, and then we had had a 0:13:55.280 --> 0:14:02.520 meeting scheduled at his office to talk about Kennedy, and 0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:05.000 I mean, I would picture you just scared to see 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:07.440 his face at this point. Yeah, so that's why we 0:14:07.440 --> 0:14:11.920 were meeting in his office and there so we had 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:14.080 this meeting and he would not miss a phone call 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:16.640 or anything with me, because, as I said, he was panicking. 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:21.320 And so I went to his office and his lights 0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:24.040 were off and he was a workaholic, like he worked 0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:27.440 non stop, and that was very unusual for him. And 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:31.120 then not to show up for my meeting, calling calling, calling, phone, 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:36.120 going to voicemail, and so then I thought, okay, maybe 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:38.920 forgot whatever, so kind of went on with my day 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:43.040 and then something about it just wasn't didn't feel right 0:14:43.080 --> 0:14:45.800 to me. And I knew some other people in the office, 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:47.920 so I kind of went down before I left the 0:14:47.960 --> 0:14:50.240 office and was talking to them, just kind of biden 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:52.640 some time, thinking maybe he had a lunch meeting. So 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.920 then I he never came back, and I it just 0:14:56.960 --> 0:14:59.480 something about it that just was didn't feel right to 0:14:59.520 --> 0:15:02.280 me at all, especially because the way he had been reacting, 0:15:02.400 --> 0:15:04.600 you know, always making sure he was on task with me. 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:08.120 So I started making a couple of phone calls for 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:10.000 people that were close to him that he worked with, 0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:13.760 and no one had talked to him all weekend, and 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:17.960 so I just had this weird feeling, and I decided 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:19.720 to go over to the house where he was staying. 0:15:20.440 --> 0:15:22.440 And I was in the car with my assistant, my daughter, 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:26.000 and I called one of my closest friend's husbands is 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:29.440 a world championship kickboxer, So I called him and asked 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:32.120 him to meet me at the house, and he did, 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:36.040 and then we were ringing the gate. No one came. 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:43.680 Finally someone else let us in the gate, and we 0:15:43.840 --> 0:15:47.160 went up to the house, up to the bathroom. We're 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:50.320 knocking on the door, no answer, no answer. Kennedy Kenny 0:15:50.360 --> 0:15:52.800 was in the car with my assistant, and so then 0:15:52.840 --> 0:15:56.359 we went around to he had a large, big bathtub 0:15:56.440 --> 0:15:58.880 and the bathroom windows and we were kind of looking 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:01.520 in to see if we could see anything. And so 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:07.080 then finally the my friend put his hands. It's those 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:09.880 roll out windows, so he put his hands underneath them 0:16:09.920 --> 0:16:13.280 to pull it out, pride the window open. And then 0:16:14.240 --> 0:16:25.920 that's when we saw Russell hanging. No, you're like comforting me. 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:30.320 It's it's so horrible. Yeah, and and know that I've 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:33.120 I've shared my stories so many times over the last 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:36.760 I mean, this was twenty eleven, and so when I 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:39.920 tell it now, it's almost as though I'm up here 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:42.440 and I'm telling someone else's story because I. 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:44.480 Feel like, I know, I feel like I'm sure people 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:46.760 are having this reaction to you know, I've watched you 0:16:46.840 --> 0:16:49.880 on TV. You never know, like you know, even in 0:16:49.920 --> 0:16:53.360 like reality TV, like what's really going on with people? 0:16:53.560 --> 0:16:59.800 Yeah, yerible horrible and you know, but I do when 0:16:59.840 --> 0:17:02.680 I do tell it, it's so important because my life, 0:17:03.920 --> 0:17:06.160 you know, my life was spared and my daughter's life 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:10.480 was spared, and murder suicide is not uncommon when there 0:17:10.520 --> 0:17:13.840 is domestic violence involved. And so because I was left here, 0:17:13.880 --> 0:17:16.320 I feel like I was left here to tell my 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:18.760 story and to make sure that I help other people 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:20.920 not end up in the same situation as I did. 0:17:21.000 --> 0:17:24.159 I mean, I can only imagine you must be saving 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:26.560 people's lives every day. I mean, just because you're so 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:30.159 honest about it. I have never heard it described in 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:32.280 this kind of detail. I don't think maybe I don't 0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:34.680 know movies or obviously. 0:17:34.240 --> 0:17:39.200 But yeah, yeah, you know, and the other sad reality 0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:42.600 of it is I ran into the street and hysterics 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.480 and I was on the ground, and you know, shock 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:50.560 are just everything that you can imagine emotionally. And I 0:17:50.640 --> 0:17:55.200 was screaming, hysterically crying, and my friend, the kickboxer, was 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:58.720 on the phone with nine one one, and then all 0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:02.159 of a sudden, I said, oh my god, Kennedy and 0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:05.880 he lived on a cul de sac, so we're dead 0:18:05.920 --> 0:18:08.480 end street, and so I thought, I have to get 0:18:08.480 --> 0:18:12.200 her out of here before all these emergency vehicles start coming. 0:18:12.240 --> 0:18:14.159 She'll never get down the hill, you know. So I 0:18:14.240 --> 0:18:16.080 kind of switched gears in a mom mode for just 0:18:16.240 --> 0:18:20.000 enough time to get her out of there. And she 0:18:21.240 --> 0:18:24.080 said to my assistant, she said, did my daddy do 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:29.800 something stupid? She was five at the time. We got 0:18:29.800 --> 0:18:32.800 her out of there, and you know, it's so heart 0:18:32.800 --> 0:18:35.280 wrenching to me that nine to one one tapes are public. 0:18:35.400 --> 0:18:37.640 I'm not really sure what the point of that is, 0:18:37.880 --> 0:18:40.000 but the go public. Do people listen to it? 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:42.960 Yeah, I don't remember that. Oh yeah, that's stup. 0:18:43.320 --> 0:18:46.440 You can hear me screaming like and then you can 0:18:46.480 --> 0:18:48.760 hear me referring to Kennedy, and you can hear me 0:18:48.880 --> 0:18:53.119 saying I need my psychiatrist, doctor Sophie. But like, I 0:18:53.160 --> 0:18:56.800 don't understand that all nine one tapes, and if I'm wrong, 0:18:56.840 --> 0:18:59.680 somebody will correct me. But I believe they're all public 0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:04.159 and I just I don't find any reasoning in that whatsoever. 0:19:04.960 --> 0:19:08.440 So then it was all just a blur. My mom 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:10.760 drove up my friends this pretty how much did your 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:14.520 mom know? Well, she was there when I had the surgery, 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:19.680 so yeah, she knew and tell you a very sad 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:21.600 thing about the day of the surgery. And this really 0:19:21.640 --> 0:19:25.679 goes to the cycle of abuse and how much control 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:28.159 and abuser has over you. So my mom and my 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:31.600 best friend were sitting in the recovery with me. I 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:38.640 was kind of coming out of morphine, and Russell walked 0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:44.240 in the door of my hospital room with flowers and jen. 0:19:44.320 --> 0:19:46.959 I can tell you it is one of the hardest 0:19:47.000 --> 0:19:49.160 things for me to share with people, is that in 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:51.320 that moment I wanted him to crawl in bed with 0:19:51.359 --> 0:20:00.480 me and stay with me. So that's how that cycle 0:20:00.720 --> 0:20:04.320 is so powerful. I mean, even looking at the person 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:06.720 that put me there and wanting him to get in 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:10.320 bed and comfort me. And I looked over at my mom, 0:20:10.480 --> 0:20:12.919 my best friend, and I thought, I can't do this 0:20:12.960 --> 0:20:16.240 to them any longer. I mean, I'm I don't know 0:20:16.280 --> 0:20:18.879 what I'm thinking. Maybe it's the morphine, but the fact 0:20:18.880 --> 0:20:22.760 that I had that thought, I just thought, I'm never 0:20:22.880 --> 0:20:24.320 going to get out of this if I don't get 0:20:24.359 --> 0:20:27.480 out of it for somebody else. And they wheeled me 0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:30.640 down to see Kennedy. She was too young to come up, 0:20:30.680 --> 0:20:33.080 and she's sitting on my lap in the wheelchair, and 0:20:33.800 --> 0:20:36.320 I just thought this has to end. I mean, I 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:38.840 can't do this to everybody else, even though I'm willing 0:20:38.880 --> 0:20:42.080 to potentially get back with this maniac. 0:20:42.640 --> 0:20:49.600 But you're thinking of your mom, Like your mom seeing 0:20:49.640 --> 0:20:52.760 him come in with flowers, your mother must have been 0:20:53.160 --> 0:20:54.280 I mean, I know your mom. 0:20:55.240 --> 0:20:55.440 Mom. 0:20:55.480 --> 0:20:59.040 I can't even imagine, like how she felt at that moment, 0:20:59.080 --> 0:20:59.879 you know, Like. 0:21:01.320 --> 0:21:05.200 And he apologized to my mom and my best friend. 0:21:05.680 --> 0:21:08.399 I think they didn't even respond. I think it was 0:21:08.480 --> 0:21:10.639 just they were in shock and I was. Actually it 0:21:10.680 --> 0:21:12.720 was a blend of two feelings. When he walked in 0:21:12.760 --> 0:21:16.040 the door, I was scared, you know, you like, or 0:21:16.080 --> 0:21:17.399 what's going to happen. I don't know if he has 0:21:17.440 --> 0:21:20.320 a gun behind the flowers, or what could potentially go wrong, 0:21:20.400 --> 0:21:22.320 but then that feeling of wanting him to get into 0:21:22.359 --> 0:21:26.040 bed with me. When I reflect on that, I could think, yeah, 0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:28.439 and to think that that's the person in that moment 0:21:28.480 --> 0:21:31.720 I thought would comfort me. It really is like the 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:35.880 sixth sense of what the psyclo of abuse is, like. 0:21:38.400 --> 0:21:42.760 Yeah, it's funny, I like and be like, no, I 0:21:42.800 --> 0:21:46.800 know full story that he killed himself, hate his spaking guts. 0:21:47.760 --> 0:21:49.639 Yeah, I don't know. You and I as moms, I 0:21:49.680 --> 0:21:51.760 don't if I were in that position. I mean, my 0:21:51.840 --> 0:21:53.439 mom I think was just so in shock when he 0:21:53.480 --> 0:21:56.000 walked in and in shock about everything that had happened, 0:21:56.000 --> 0:21:59.199 that she didn't respond and probably was would have been 0:21:59.240 --> 0:22:02.640 fearful to respond to him, not knowing what his his 0:22:03.160 --> 0:22:05.960 mom going to be. But as us being moms, you know, 0:22:06.400 --> 0:22:09.280 I have no idea because I feel like my rage 0:22:09.280 --> 0:22:10.879 would have been so great. I don't I don't know 0:22:10.920 --> 0:22:13.920 how I would have reacted. But yeah, thank thankfully we're 0:22:13.920 --> 0:22:15.120 not ever going to be in that situation. 0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:19.240 That's the that make my daughter listen to this one. 0:22:19.600 --> 0:22:21.119 I think all daughters should. 0:22:21.119 --> 0:22:22.760 I hope. Uh. 0:22:22.840 --> 0:22:31.199 Okay, So after Russell committed suicide, I'm trying to remember 0:22:31.600 --> 0:22:34.680 how you're still filming the show at that point or 0:22:35.600 --> 0:22:37.800 it was wrapped. Okay, So I had had the orbit 0:22:37.840 --> 0:22:41.560 before reconstruction, and that was a big part of the finale. 0:22:41.880 --> 0:22:43.959 So we were all at the finale. Doctor Sophie went 0:22:44.000 --> 0:22:46.920 with me. And then now I've had the surgery and 0:22:47.000 --> 0:22:49.400 so there's not really anyone that can say they don't 0:22:49.400 --> 0:22:51.719 believe me at this point. You know, people saying they 0:22:51.720 --> 0:22:53.919 didn't believe you. Yeah, there was a time when it 0:22:54.000 --> 0:22:56.320 was kind of like Camille and Adrian were saying they 0:22:56.320 --> 0:22:58.000 were having doubts. I will say, I'm not going to 0:22:58.040 --> 0:22:59.600 say they didn't believe me, but they were a long 0:22:59.600 --> 0:22:59.919 time ago. 0:23:00.240 --> 0:23:02.520 Try kind of as you're saying it, it's kind of 0:23:02.560 --> 0:23:03.320 coming back to me. 0:23:03.640 --> 0:23:06.960 Yep. And Lisa and Kyle were definitely on my side 0:23:06.960 --> 0:23:09.679 and then but like Camille and Adrian, they were just 0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:11.879 asking a lot of questions. I don't know when I 0:23:11.920 --> 0:23:14.120 look back though, if it was out of fear for 0:23:14.160 --> 0:23:17.200 them that they didn't want to admit that they knew 0:23:17.760 --> 0:23:21.080 because now they see how crazy he's how culpable in it, 0:23:21.240 --> 0:23:24.120 or no, maybe like fearful, like we don't he can 0:23:24.200 --> 0:23:26.320 come for them, Yes, like we're not going to say 0:23:26.359 --> 0:23:28.880 he did this because we don't want to a be involved, 0:23:29.119 --> 0:23:30.080 talked to you, even asked. 0:23:29.960 --> 0:23:33.000 Them over about it. Well, Camille came out years later. 0:23:33.119 --> 0:23:34.760 Unfortunately he talked to them anymore. 0:23:35.800 --> 0:23:38.280 You know. Well, I'm on great terms with all of them, 0:23:38.359 --> 0:23:40.840 so I don't you know, it's so far Orange County 0:23:40.840 --> 0:23:43.920 to Beverly Hills. People think it's like I just took 0:23:44.000 --> 0:23:47.280 to exactly, So it's not. We don't see each other 0:23:47.359 --> 0:23:49.400 like we would if I lived here. Are you forgiven 0:23:49.440 --> 0:23:52.600 that the questioned you or that they Yeah, for sure, 0:23:52.640 --> 0:23:54.399 And I do think part of it was out of 0:23:54.400 --> 0:23:58.400 fear that they didn't want him coming after them, and 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:00.520 I think that was I think they were. Everybody was 0:24:00.600 --> 0:24:02.800 kind of in shocked to begin with, and that this 0:24:02.880 --> 0:24:04.399 was all getting ready to come out on the show, 0:24:04.480 --> 0:24:06.280 and fearful of what the result was going to be. 0:24:06.400 --> 0:24:09.720 And it was just a myriad of emotions. But that finale, 0:24:09.800 --> 0:24:12.520 I've had the surgery, now he's living out. Then I 0:24:12.560 --> 0:24:16.399 find him hanging, and then there was a reunion. So 0:24:16.520 --> 0:24:18.399 then that I blocked this. I can't imagine that I 0:24:18.440 --> 0:24:23.520 forgot this. That please. Yeah. So then I was trying 0:24:23.520 --> 0:24:24.560 to think of the chain of events. It was a 0:24:24.600 --> 0:24:26.240 little bit of a blurback then. So I had the 0:24:26.240 --> 0:24:30.200 surgery in July, I find him hanging in August, and 0:24:31.119 --> 0:24:36.880 October would have been our sixth wedding anniversary. So then 0:24:37.440 --> 0:24:40.520 the show air, oh I know. So then they were 0:24:40.520 --> 0:24:42.399 trying to decide whether the air the show or not. 0:24:42.920 --> 0:24:46.160 And you see in the first episode before the show airs, 0:24:46.200 --> 0:24:49.280 all the girls get getting together at Adrian Muluf's house 0:24:49.720 --> 0:24:52.200 and they're on camera, but they're discussing whether the show 0:24:52.240 --> 0:24:54.760 should air or not. And Camille was a hard no 0:24:55.280 --> 0:25:00.800 on wanting the show to air. Why because she's the 0:25:00.800 --> 0:25:04.119 one that outed everything and probably thought she might be villainized. 0:25:04.160 --> 0:25:05.800 I'm putting words in her mouth, but you know that 0:25:05.840 --> 0:25:08.440 people would say, I can't believe you would out someone's abuse. 0:25:08.800 --> 0:25:13.520 Was she villainized? I don't remember that either. I don't know. 0:25:14.080 --> 0:25:17.000 I was kind of in a fog at that point. 0:25:17.119 --> 0:25:22.320 But later, unfortunately, Camille had an abusive situation of her 0:25:22.359 --> 0:25:25.480 own and she went through it. I think she told 0:25:25.520 --> 0:25:30.240 me for like an hour or something, and she came 0:25:30.280 --> 0:25:32.280 back to me and just said the terror that she 0:25:32.400 --> 0:25:35.719 felt in that one hour, that she just felt so 0:25:35.920 --> 0:25:39.600 absolutely horrible to think about all that I had gone through, 0:25:39.640 --> 0:25:43.639 and she was just extremely apologetic and hate that she 0:25:43.680 --> 0:25:46.320 had to experience it to really recognize the terror that 0:25:47.680 --> 0:25:52.240 exists during those moments. But she was extremely supportive and 0:25:53.359 --> 0:26:02.520 sad and definitely forgiveness happened. But other than that, everyone 0:26:02.640 --> 0:26:05.520 was just very supportive. I mean, you know, coming to 0:26:05.600 --> 0:26:09.919 the funeral and being supportive of of me and checking 0:26:09.960 --> 0:26:11.920 in on me. I didn't leave my house for quite 0:26:11.920 --> 0:26:15.560 some time, and Kyle and Lisa came over and they're 0:26:15.640 --> 0:26:18.960 so funny, and we did fun silly things with Kennedy 0:26:19.040 --> 0:26:23.680 and just tried to put the pieces together which were 0:26:23.840 --> 0:26:27.600 falling apart all over the place. I had armed security 0:26:27.640 --> 0:26:30.040 with me all the time and in my house even 0:26:30.240 --> 0:26:34.800 and back then the paparazzi were really relentless. You know, 0:26:34.880 --> 0:26:37.240 it's changed a little with all the iPhones and everybody 0:26:37.240 --> 0:26:42.159 posting their own stuff, but they were all over my streets. 0:26:42.240 --> 0:26:44.440 I mean they were. I couldn't leave the house there 0:26:44.480 --> 0:26:47.560 were It was insanity. It was truly. My house was 0:26:47.760 --> 0:26:51.159 like ground zero for all these paparazzi and everything, and 0:26:51.200 --> 0:26:52.760 so it was just like people had to come see 0:26:52.800 --> 0:26:56.080 me because I couldn't leave and go anywhere. The first 0:26:56.119 --> 0:26:57.960 time I left, I had to go to Fores Lawn 0:26:58.080 --> 0:27:02.120 to plan the funeral, and so my bodyguard at the time, 0:27:02.160 --> 0:27:04.439 they put me under a blanket. My god, I know, 0:27:04.600 --> 0:27:07.960 in the back of the escalade and in the garage, 0:27:08.000 --> 0:27:09.560 and then my assistant was in the front and we 0:27:09.600 --> 0:27:12.440 pulled out and then here they come, and so there's 0:27:12.480 --> 0:27:14.520 a huge and you know, they all have priuses back then, 0:27:14.800 --> 0:27:16.600 so they can always keep up with you longer. And 0:27:16.600 --> 0:27:19.040 then I'm going an escalade the because gas guzzler, but 0:27:19.880 --> 0:27:22.160 so you know, we were weaving in and out of traffic, 0:27:22.280 --> 0:27:25.200 and it was just it was insanity, Like I never 0:27:25.200 --> 0:27:27.720 thought I'm gonna be able to escape these people. I 0:27:27.760 --> 0:27:29.600 can't even leave my house. And so that was just 0:27:29.720 --> 0:27:33.080 adding on top of the shock and the recovery and 0:27:33.160 --> 0:27:35.679 the suicide and then now I'm dealing with all of 0:27:35.720 --> 0:27:37.359 this and trying to figure out how to put the 0:27:37.359 --> 0:27:40.920 pieces of my life back together. And it was just awful. 0:27:40.960 --> 0:27:44.160 And I was getting interview requests from everyone you can imagine, 0:27:44.640 --> 0:27:49.360 up to Barbara Walters and and thinking like I am 0:27:49.400 --> 0:27:53.560 not ready for this. Onslaught of answering all of these questions. 0:27:53.560 --> 0:27:55.800 It was all so fresh and I was in shock, 0:27:55.880 --> 0:27:58.040 and there were so many other problems that were going 0:27:58.080 --> 0:28:01.679 on from a logistical perspective with finances and because I 0:28:01.680 --> 0:28:04.359 had no access to money, and just trying to figure 0:28:04.400 --> 0:28:06.199 out how I was going to put the pieces back together. 0:28:06.240 --> 0:28:08.639 And my daughter was at a very expensive private school, 0:28:08.640 --> 0:28:11.080 as you know, and so it was like on top 0:28:11.119 --> 0:28:15.399 of the shock, the recovery, the paparazzi and the press, 0:28:15.440 --> 0:28:19.000 and then you know, my financial situation and trying to 0:28:19.000 --> 0:28:20.600 figure out how to put my life back together and 0:28:20.600 --> 0:28:22.359 not let my five year old daughter see that I 0:28:22.440 --> 0:28:24.960 was a complete and total wreck, and it was just 0:28:25.400 --> 0:28:27.600 it really feels like back then, it was like I 0:28:27.640 --> 0:28:31.640 felt like I was just sitting in my backyard and 0:28:31.800 --> 0:28:34.359 drink chardenay and listen to the eagles and just stare 0:28:34.680 --> 0:28:36.520 and think, I have no idea what I'm going to 0:28:36.600 --> 0:28:41.000 do because there were too many, too many things going 0:28:41.080 --> 0:28:54.520 wrong and nothing was going right. What about his parents? 0:28:55.120 --> 0:29:00.200 Where were they? His parents, of course had mental health 0:29:00.440 --> 0:29:03.800 issues and they were divorced. But they were they ever 0:29:03.840 --> 0:29:07.800 there for for you or for no I mean, very 0:29:07.800 --> 0:29:12.120 sweet people, but definitely not capable of assisting in any way. 0:29:13.240 --> 0:29:16.040 My mom was there when I woke up the day 0:29:16.080 --> 0:29:19.600 after the suicide. My house was filled with like my 0:29:19.600 --> 0:29:22.240 best very best friends. They were one of my best 0:29:22.280 --> 0:29:24.080 friends was in bed with me, my other best friends 0:29:24.120 --> 0:29:27.600 standing over me. My other best friend was she works 0:29:27.640 --> 0:29:30.440 for KTLA. She's outside trying to manage the press like 0:29:30.600 --> 0:29:36.120 they were in full blown like recovery mode for me immediately. 0:29:36.400 --> 0:29:38.560 And then people coming to visit me at the house 0:29:38.640 --> 0:29:42.920 and flowers from every place you can possibly imagine, and 0:29:42.960 --> 0:29:45.840 so I had a lot of support, thankfully. Is there then, 0:29:46.040 --> 0:29:49.280 like everything else I guess people talk about. No. 0:29:49.440 --> 0:29:53.440 Then that slowly starts to fade in terms of like, Okay, 0:29:53.480 --> 0:29:55.560 now it's not so new anymore, and you're still dealing 0:29:55.560 --> 0:29:59.800 with the aftermath. Right now, all of a sudden, it's 0:29:59.840 --> 0:30:02.800 not everybody standing over you and flowers pouring in. Right 0:30:02.840 --> 0:30:04.400 then you have to deal with the reality of your 0:30:04.440 --> 0:30:08.080 situation in this little girl who now has lost her 0:30:08.120 --> 0:30:10.440 father and she was how old at the time, five 0:30:10.680 --> 0:30:11.320 she understood? 0:30:12.200 --> 0:30:16.240 Wasn't you know? Does she remember this? I don't know 0:30:16.280 --> 0:30:18.880 how much detail she remembers. I'm sure because it was 0:30:19.200 --> 0:30:24.200 so so much trauma and unfortunately, the stories everywhere, so 0:30:24.560 --> 0:30:26.600 you know, she knew at a very early age. All 0:30:26.680 --> 0:30:29.160 that had happened. When it first happened, I had told 0:30:29.200 --> 0:30:32.360 her that your daddy died because he was sick in 0:30:32.400 --> 0:30:35.600 the head, and I just want to I didn't. She 0:30:35.640 --> 0:30:38.880 did not know it was a suicide. But then fast forward, 0:30:38.920 --> 0:30:41.120 when I finally did start taking her out of the house, 0:30:41.520 --> 0:30:44.040 the paparazzi be chasing us and going, how does Kennedy 0:30:44.080 --> 0:30:46.160 feel about the suicide? And I'm like, you guys, come 0:30:46.200 --> 0:30:49.200 on now, I mean, you know you need to do 0:30:49.280 --> 0:30:51.160 this to a five year old. I mean, so, it 0:30:51.240 --> 0:30:54.000 just it was so bad back then and it's not 0:30:54.200 --> 0:30:57.080 like that anymore. So that's a good thing. But I 0:30:57.120 --> 0:31:01.040 had no privacy and no ability to really heal, just 0:31:01.080 --> 0:31:03.400 because I was dealing with so many problems I was 0:31:03.480 --> 0:31:06.400 left with, and then just the stress of everything that 0:31:06.480 --> 0:31:07.960 was going to come out on the show. 0:31:10.880 --> 0:31:14.200 I mean like, I feel like, if you could go 0:31:14.320 --> 0:31:17.760 get through that, you could get through anything. That sounds 0:31:17.800 --> 0:31:21.640 like the worst possible. I cannot imagine how you were 0:31:21.760 --> 0:31:22.400 living through that. 0:31:22.640 --> 0:31:25.600 Yeah. Well, I always say that people will say you're 0:31:25.640 --> 0:31:27.440 so strong, you're so strong, But the truth of the 0:31:27.480 --> 0:31:31.160 matter is that when you go through something a tragedy, 0:31:31.480 --> 0:31:33.480 you know, you find strength inside you that you didn't 0:31:33.480 --> 0:31:36.360 know you have, and then you can take that and 0:31:36.440 --> 0:31:38.520 kind of put it in your back pocket and so 0:31:38.560 --> 0:31:41.240 the next time you're faced with challenges in life which 0:31:41.280 --> 0:31:44.240 you're going to be right and the universe doesn't go 0:31:44.360 --> 0:31:46.840 Taylor's been through enough. We're not giving her any more problems. 0:31:47.640 --> 0:31:49.960 But I'm able to go. I got this. I mean, 0:31:50.360 --> 0:31:54.120 whatever's coming ahead of me is I've got that strength 0:31:54.120 --> 0:31:56.240 that I didn't know I have. It's part of my arsenal. 0:31:56.320 --> 0:31:59.720 You know, my warrior shield is very banged up. And 0:32:00.200 --> 0:32:01.800 if you want to go into battle, going with me 0:32:01.960 --> 0:32:12.640 because I got you on this one, I love you. Yeah. 0:32:12.680 --> 0:32:15.320 It's good though, and it also is it's important because 0:32:15.360 --> 0:32:17.640 there is life after and so knowing what I've been 0:32:17.680 --> 0:32:20.560 through and when people are struggling and they want to 0:32:20.560 --> 0:32:22.440 share their story with me, I think you had the 0:32:22.480 --> 0:32:26.720 most amazing woman. I think you're the most amazing woman. 0:32:26.800 --> 0:32:29.800 I mean I again, like as a viewer, it's such 0:32:29.840 --> 0:32:32.120 a different experience, like to actually talk to you, and 0:32:32.120 --> 0:32:33.840 I've known you for a while with your friendly but 0:32:34.440 --> 0:32:38.000 I think you are incredible, especially now letting me share it. 0:32:38.040 --> 0:32:40.360 Oh please, Well, I mean it's this is I do 0:32:40.440 --> 0:32:42.760 part two? So we're actually supposed to talk about part 0:32:42.800 --> 0:32:45.200 two in your New Life. We just spent so much 0:32:45.240 --> 0:32:58.040 time on part one. Yeah, I do want to know 0:32:58.080 --> 0:32:59.760 because I have met your husband and I know he 0:33:00.160 --> 0:33:02.640 to Kennedy, and I do want to know about you know, 0:33:02.880 --> 0:33:05.800 this happy ending or I don't know what to call it, 0:33:05.920 --> 0:33:09.080 but but this next chapter. And you know, how you 0:33:09.760 --> 0:33:14.080 manage like even trusting somebody else, another man, you know, 0:33:14.200 --> 0:33:18.200 and how like how is that? How was you must 0:33:18.240 --> 0:33:20.560 have been? How it means you do date after this? 0:33:20.840 --> 0:33:23.400 Like how did you even meet anyone? Yeah? 0:33:23.440 --> 0:33:23.600 You know? 0:33:23.760 --> 0:33:25.400 Or I'm sure you were afraid to leave the house 0:33:25.440 --> 0:33:28.080 for a long time, Yeah, for sure. And and the 0:33:28.320 --> 0:33:31.560 and the realization that I'm never going to meet anyone authentically, 0:33:32.080 --> 0:33:33.960 that nobody's ever going to get to know me for me. 0:33:34.240 --> 0:33:35.960 They're gonna know what they saw on TV, what they 0:33:36.000 --> 0:33:36.960 seen in the tabloids, they. 0:33:36.920 --> 0:33:40.640 Heard about from those people exactly, and that I'm a 0:33:40.720 --> 0:33:43.760 quote unquote victim. And you know, so there's that whole 0:33:43.800 --> 0:33:47.040 side to it. And then also to your point, I thought, 0:33:47.120 --> 0:33:49.440 I will never trust another man as long as I live. 0:33:49.680 --> 0:33:55.040 So after the suicide, all this financial stuff came to 0:33:55.120 --> 0:33:58.960 bear where he had emptied out all the bank accounts. 0:33:59.000 --> 0:34:00.840 I didn't have access to the bank bank accounts because 0:34:00.960 --> 0:34:02.720 you know, as I told you earlier, he had financial 0:34:02.720 --> 0:34:06.040 control over me. So all these lies and things kept 0:34:06.800 --> 0:34:10.480 coming up that I was all the money. Well that's 0:34:10.480 --> 0:34:14.719 a good question. So this kind of came out a 0:34:14.800 --> 0:34:17.400 little bit later for me. But so I had to 0:34:17.520 --> 0:34:20.960 hire a law firm to look for the money to 0:34:21.000 --> 0:34:22.920 get into the bank accounts. And when we had an 0:34:22.960 --> 0:34:28.240 offshore asset protection trust in the Cook Islands, and as 0:34:28.320 --> 0:34:30.600 far as I know, he told me and it was, 0:34:30.640 --> 0:34:34.080 you know, going to be a large sum. And so 0:34:34.239 --> 0:34:36.560 I had a hire a law firm to help me 0:34:36.760 --> 0:34:38.919 try to get into these bank accounts and to get 0:34:38.920 --> 0:34:43.120 to the assets. And so I wt those guys going. 0:34:43.400 --> 0:34:45.400 And then Russell was being sued by a public company 0:34:45.440 --> 0:34:48.719 when he died for one point five million dollars, So 0:34:48.760 --> 0:34:51.920 that lawsuit came to me, and so now I'm fighting 0:34:52.000 --> 0:34:55.319 that with a corporate law firm. And this is getting 0:34:55.360 --> 0:35:00.120 to chapter two. So a friend of mine said, I 0:35:00.160 --> 0:35:02.719 went over they hid me again and took me to 0:35:02.760 --> 0:35:06.400 his house and he said, I'll never forget. He was 0:35:06.440 --> 0:35:10.280 making me dinner and he was stirring, and he said, listen, 0:35:10.320 --> 0:35:12.080 you can wallow in this ship for the rest of 0:35:12.080 --> 0:35:14.480 your life. You can ruin your life and Kennedy's, or 0:35:14.520 --> 0:35:16.080 you can put on your big girl pants and do 0:35:16.160 --> 0:35:19.640 something about it because nobody's coming to save you. And 0:35:19.800 --> 0:35:22.719 all I had heard prior, which I so appreciate too, 0:35:22.800 --> 0:35:25.600 is it's gonna be okay, Like we love you, you know, 0:35:25.680 --> 0:35:30.600 all those kinds of reassurances, but to have somebody for you, right, 0:35:30.680 --> 0:35:33.200 but just have somebody say to me, no one's coming 0:35:33.280 --> 0:35:36.279 to save you, so you better figure out what the 0:35:36.320 --> 0:35:38.080 hell you're gonna do next. I mean, he was just 0:35:38.200 --> 0:35:40.400 very blunt about it. And as much as that seems 0:35:40.440 --> 0:35:43.120 like tough love, I walked away thinking, Okay, this is 0:35:43.160 --> 0:35:45.319 actually on me. So he said, I'm gonna make one 0:35:45.320 --> 0:35:48.960 phone call for you, and he called, No, come on, 0:35:49.040 --> 0:35:52.840 get the hell out of here. Come on. He called 0:35:52.880 --> 0:35:55.160 my husband John. Wait, why did he call him? What 0:35:55.320 --> 0:35:57.920 was John? I'll tell you, Scott to be kidding me. 0:35:58.120 --> 0:36:02.600 I know. So John an attorney and he also was 0:36:02.640 --> 0:36:05.000 with on Wall Street for twenty years, so he's done 0:36:05.040 --> 0:36:08.759 a lot of corporate litigation sec work, like so the 0:36:08.760 --> 0:36:12.560 public company situation all in his wheelhouse. He has was 0:36:12.640 --> 0:36:17.120 GC for major companies. He was at Lehman. So he 0:36:17.880 --> 0:36:20.040 George said, you got to help this girl. You've met 0:36:20.040 --> 0:36:23.359 her socially at my house a couple of times, but like, 0:36:23.880 --> 0:36:25.960 she needs help and she's never going to get out 0:36:26.000 --> 0:36:30.160 of this alone. So here comes John and we thought 0:36:30.760 --> 0:36:34.240 probably almost for two years I'm gonna say, like literally, 0:36:34.320 --> 0:36:36.640 because every time he would call me it was bad news. 0:36:37.040 --> 0:36:39.239 But so he started managing the two law firms. He 0:36:39.320 --> 0:36:41.640 was like, listen, you can't charge this scirl this this 0:36:42.000 --> 0:36:44.600 public company is going to bury her. There's no way 0:36:44.680 --> 0:36:47.480 she can fight at this level, you know, financially. And 0:36:47.520 --> 0:36:49.520 then they're looking for the assets on the other side 0:36:49.520 --> 0:36:51.400 with this other law firm. So now he's got the 0:36:51.440 --> 0:36:53.840 two law firms under control to the point where he's. 0:36:53.680 --> 0:36:56.480 Like he had worked with was he expecting at this point? 0:36:56.600 --> 0:36:59.799 I mean, you're like, well, I pay this guy too. No, 0:37:00.000 --> 0:37:01.600 I'm I going to pay this guy. You knew from 0:37:01.640 --> 0:37:03.399 the get go that he wasn't going to charge you. Yes, 0:37:03.520 --> 0:37:06.000 he was doing it as a favor to my friend George. 0:37:06.040 --> 0:37:08.239 Wow. Yeah. And George is the kind of person that 0:37:08.280 --> 0:37:10.719 when you ask for a favor, you say yes, yes, 0:37:10.880 --> 0:37:15.120 got introduced me to George. He would like him. So 0:37:15.120 --> 0:37:17.399 so we start that path. But every time he would 0:37:17.440 --> 0:37:19.400 call me, it was bad news. He would call me 0:37:19.480 --> 0:37:23.280 and say, they got into another bank account and it's empty, 0:37:23.600 --> 0:37:25.680 or we got into you know, it took a very 0:37:25.680 --> 0:37:27.560 long time to get into the trust because those are 0:37:27.840 --> 0:37:34.160 well protected. Empty everything was gone, and I a joke 0:37:34.239 --> 0:37:36.160 and say, I felt like at that point, I like 0:37:36.320 --> 0:37:39.160 I couldn't put the puzzle pieces together because I knew 0:37:39.400 --> 0:37:41.759 that we were spending a lot of money every month, 0:37:41.800 --> 0:37:44.200 and I'm like, where was the money coming from and 0:37:44.320 --> 0:37:46.719 where did the money go? Like, so I've got that 0:37:47.040 --> 0:37:49.719 on top of the grief and every and trying to 0:37:49.760 --> 0:37:51.320 put the pieces back together. So I'm like trying to 0:37:51.320 --> 0:37:52.680 figure out how am I pay for my house, my 0:37:52.760 --> 0:37:56.840 daughter's school, like everything that's going on, and they kept 0:37:56.920 --> 0:37:58.480 he every time he would call me his bad news, 0:37:58.520 --> 0:38:00.960 and so I'd be like, what, you know what he 0:38:00.960 --> 0:38:03.680 would call and he'd be like, you know, I'm like, 0:38:03.680 --> 0:38:05.640 I don't want to make any decisions today, and you're 0:38:05.640 --> 0:38:07.920 the only one that can make the decisions. So he 0:38:08.000 --> 0:38:10.560 was very matter of fact with me. But I remember 0:38:10.560 --> 0:38:12.200 at one point he told me that he went to 0:38:12.239 --> 0:38:14.680 my friend George and said, I can't work with this girl, 0:38:14.760 --> 0:38:17.319 like she's crazy, and George's like, she's going through a lot, 0:38:17.360 --> 0:38:18.920 so you're just gonna have to stick it out, like 0:38:19.040 --> 0:38:20.359 we got to make this work for her. 0:38:20.840 --> 0:38:22.799 So there was neverways there like at least like a 0:38:22.840 --> 0:38:25.719 friendship would start, Like from the beginning, did you feel like, 0:38:25.840 --> 0:38:27.520 even though you always used to fight with him, did 0:38:27.520 --> 0:38:29.320 you feel like he was like all. 0:38:29.280 --> 0:38:36.239 I he became a friend and obviously yes, and you know, 0:38:36.280 --> 0:38:38.319 he stood on my side through all of that when 0:38:38.600 --> 0:38:40.560 I think most people would have said, I can't deal 0:38:40.600 --> 0:38:43.600 with this girl. And that's where the trust was developed 0:38:43.640 --> 0:38:45.640 in thinking that I would never trust a man again, 0:38:46.080 --> 0:38:48.040 that now I have this person who's stood on my 0:38:48.120 --> 0:38:51.680 side with no compensation and is managing these law firms 0:38:51.680 --> 0:38:53.840 to help protect me. Yeah, most people would have been 0:38:53.880 --> 0:38:56.799 like doing it for free. She's yelling at me every 0:38:56.840 --> 0:38:57.480 time I call. 0:38:57.760 --> 0:39:01.520 Yes, it's not my fault, like yeah, yeah, you know. 0:39:01.600 --> 0:39:04.839 And so and he'd never even heard of housewives, so 0:39:05.160 --> 0:39:07.880 he was like, oh, these these women really are crazy, 0:39:07.920 --> 0:39:11.600 you know. So that compounding and then the tabloids and 0:39:11.719 --> 0:39:14.520 so as things progressed with us it was actually speaking 0:39:14.560 --> 0:39:16.640 of the tabloids. We were in a restaurant in New 0:39:16.719 --> 0:39:20.600 York with other people. I think it was at my 0:39:20.600 --> 0:39:22.760 book maybe my book signing or when I was signing 0:39:22.800 --> 0:39:27.160 my book contract, and we were leaving and he threw 0:39:27.480 --> 0:39:30.560 the paparazzi were outside and he threw a jacket over 0:39:30.640 --> 0:39:33.080 me and had his arm holding it over me. Well, 0:39:33.120 --> 0:39:35.680 of course they took a picture and cropped out all 0:39:35.680 --> 0:39:37.200 the other people and it looks like he and I 0:39:37.200 --> 0:39:39.600 are leaving a restaurant together with his arm around me, right, 0:39:40.040 --> 0:39:43.680 And there was no relationship whatsoever back then. So you know, 0:39:43.719 --> 0:39:45.759 fast forward, people were like, oh they were dating. We 0:39:45.760 --> 0:39:48.040 were not dating back then, and we were still like 0:39:48.320 --> 0:39:52.520 very much in the logistics mode. Uh yeah, so that 0:39:52.640 --> 0:39:55.759 is how that unfolded. But yeah, the trust just developed 0:39:55.800 --> 0:39:58.560 over time, and then the appreciation for everything he was 0:39:58.600 --> 0:40:02.719 doing for me and he's a good person, but they 0:40:03.440 --> 0:40:08.480 love definitely didn't come for a while, a long while. 0:40:09.600 --> 0:40:11.040 I think he was straight. Well, I know he was 0:40:11.080 --> 0:40:13.520 starting to have feelings for me, because we've talked about it. 0:40:13.560 --> 0:40:16.200 Did you have did you miss at that point? Did 0:40:16.200 --> 0:40:18.120 you feel it in yourself at that point or no? 0:40:18.280 --> 0:40:20.400 Nothing? I was like, you gotta be kidding me, you know, 0:40:20.440 --> 0:40:22.920 it was there was nothing there whatsoever. And then we 0:40:22.920 --> 0:40:27.000 were having we were having dinner and dinner meeting and 0:40:27.400 --> 0:40:30.200 with a sunglass manufacturer actually, and she was sitting acrossmus 0:40:30.239 --> 0:40:34.680 We were hobviers in Orange County, and all of a 0:40:34.680 --> 0:40:36.600 sudden we looked at one another. We were sitting on 0:40:36.640 --> 0:40:38.080 the same side of the booth and she was across 0:40:38.120 --> 0:40:40.040 most and we looked at one another, and I was like, 0:40:40.360 --> 0:40:43.040 wait a minute, and I just I remember like looking away, 0:40:43.080 --> 0:40:45.840 thinking what was that, And it like, all of a sudden, 0:40:45.880 --> 0:40:47.960 he just looked like a completely different person to me, 0:40:48.360 --> 0:40:51.040 and I felt some weird emotion come over me, and 0:40:51.080 --> 0:40:52.839 I thought, wait, what is going on with me? Maybe 0:40:52.880 --> 0:40:56.799 it's the margarita but and the sun glass manufacturer. She goes, 0:40:56.840 --> 0:41:00.680 should leave you two alone, and I was like no, no, no, no, no, 0:41:01.160 --> 0:41:03.400 I don't know. I was like, wasn't that obvious. It 0:41:03.480 --> 0:41:05.319 was so bizarre that it just happened like that. 0:41:05.360 --> 0:41:07.839 It's so funny because I say to Rachel, my daughter 0:41:07.840 --> 0:41:09.840 all the time, like, you know, she's she's like, I 0:41:09.880 --> 0:41:11.600 like the bad boy. I'm like really because I thought 0:41:11.600 --> 0:41:14.120 that I did, And then I met your father and 0:41:14.160 --> 0:41:16.600 he I had no interest. He was just like the 0:41:16.800 --> 0:41:19.640 nicest guy. But I was like, no, there's no spark. 0:41:19.680 --> 0:41:23.960 There was no spark there. And one day I remember like, 0:41:24.960 --> 0:41:26.799 I don't know, he kissed me and I was like, 0:41:27.880 --> 0:41:30.279 first I didn't want him to, but he did. I mean, 0:41:30.320 --> 0:41:32.680 it wasn't like whatever we can And I remember thinking like, 0:41:33.400 --> 0:41:33.799 wait a. 0:41:33.760 --> 0:41:36.160 Second, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, I feel like. 0:41:36.080 --> 0:41:41.080 With women like you as a woman, you having somebody 0:41:41.120 --> 0:41:47.400 that you are that is so reliable, that becomes sexy, 0:41:48.160 --> 0:41:53.320 good to you, kind, you know, different from you're describing 0:41:53.320 --> 0:41:54.920 me like the night and shining armor. Who's going to 0:41:54.960 --> 0:41:57.200 come in and you don't be daddy and you don't 0:41:57.239 --> 0:41:59.239 have to work anymore and I'm gonna all of the 0:41:59.280 --> 0:42:03.239 love bombing, right. It's like I would like for my 0:42:03.239 --> 0:42:05.720 own daughter, like find the spark with a guy because 0:42:05.719 --> 0:42:15.080 he is so kind and good and reliable and gentle 0:42:15.200 --> 0:42:17.720 and all of those things. Because that's what happened with Jeff. 0:42:17.760 --> 0:42:19.839 I really was like thinking, it's we don't have that. 0:42:20.080 --> 0:42:23.120 I don't want to hang from the chandeliers and which 0:42:23.640 --> 0:42:25.239 not just saying that. I'm not saying that I never 0:42:25.239 --> 0:42:27.960 did but what sparked it was like, wait a second, 0:42:28.000 --> 0:42:32.120 this guy is so wonderful to me, and like that 0:42:32.480 --> 0:42:34.839 is still to this day, you know, it's like, guess 0:42:34.840 --> 0:42:38.200 I just love him. We've been through it, but absolutely 0:42:38.239 --> 0:42:42.440 this is not about me making me think for the 0:42:42.480 --> 0:42:44.279 first time, I know, was that the change right then? 0:42:44.760 --> 0:42:47.960 I just thought because I was also seeing another guy. 0:42:48.000 --> 0:42:50.640 But I remember thinking, wait a second, like I love 0:42:50.719 --> 0:42:54.600 Jeff Fessler, like he's the best, and like he was 0:42:54.640 --> 0:42:56.719 a friend, you know, for more than anything. I was 0:42:56.760 --> 0:42:58.239 sending him away. I was like, I don't feel it, 0:42:58.320 --> 0:43:00.440 like let's just be friends and we need to be rocks. 0:43:00.480 --> 0:43:02.600 He want to just be whatever, And then he kept 0:43:02.600 --> 0:43:04.359 coming around. I was like, five, we'll be friends again, 0:43:04.440 --> 0:43:06.560 and this wouldn't stop. Wouln't leave me alone. But he 0:43:06.600 --> 0:43:09.080 wasn't like a I mean, he was always just gentle 0:43:09.120 --> 0:43:12.400 and kind and an accountant. He had used to be accountant, 0:43:12.400 --> 0:43:13.879 so we would like do my taxes, I don't know, 0:43:14.520 --> 0:43:15.080 and I was like. 0:43:15.040 --> 0:43:15.799 He's such a great guy. 0:43:15.880 --> 0:43:17.920 I wish that I could feel that, and one day 0:43:18.640 --> 0:43:20.839 I did, and I still think, like to this day, 0:43:21.640 --> 0:43:24.960 I wish I hope for my daughter that yes, it's 0:43:25.000 --> 0:43:27.960 great to have a spark and all of the sex 0:43:28.040 --> 0:43:30.960 and the excitement and all of it, and you have 0:43:31.080 --> 0:43:35.080 to just like more important than that is, you know, 0:43:35.480 --> 0:43:37.839 like for me, like a spark now is I get 0:43:38.000 --> 0:43:41.319 sparked from peace, from like peace in my life, and 0:43:41.440 --> 0:43:45.440 as I get older, even more appreciative of that, you. 0:43:45.400 --> 0:43:48.080 Know, absolutely. I mean that's sacks are super fun, but 0:43:48.120 --> 0:43:50.360 I mean we all know they fade. Eventually, they fade, 0:43:50.440 --> 0:43:53.560 And I don't know, I hope she makes I want 0:43:53.560 --> 0:43:55.640 her to make wise decisions, you know. 0:43:56.080 --> 0:43:59.040 Twenty three. I'm going to make her again watch and listen. 0:43:59.719 --> 0:43:59.959 Listen. 0:44:00.160 --> 0:44:02.640 I hope that all of my friends make listen and 0:44:02.680 --> 0:44:05.000 make their daughters listen, because I you know you do. 0:44:05.120 --> 0:44:06.840 It's not like you're the first to tell the story 0:44:06.880 --> 0:44:09.640 of abuse, but you're so open about it. How does 0:44:09.680 --> 0:44:11.440 Kennedy feel about the fact that you're sharing all of 0:44:11.440 --> 0:44:11.799 it now? 0:44:12.760 --> 0:44:16.640 I don't think that Kennedy is affected by it, probably 0:44:16.680 --> 0:44:18.839 because there's so much out there about it that it's 0:44:18.880 --> 0:44:21.239 she's probably I'm not I don't want to put words 0:44:21.239 --> 0:44:24.160 in her mouth, but it's been told so many times 0:44:24.200 --> 0:44:27.080 that maybe for her too, she doesn't feel like she's 0:44:27.160 --> 0:44:29.120 really was in it, that she feels like she was 0:44:29.200 --> 0:44:32.120 up here, you know, looking down on it. But and 0:44:32.160 --> 0:44:35.799 she has a great boyfriend who's very sweet, and you know, 0:44:35.880 --> 0:44:40.719 she's also very strong and very independent, and I think 0:44:40.840 --> 0:44:43.319 part of that is knowing what I went through and 0:44:43.440 --> 0:44:45.319 knowing that she would never allow that in her life. 0:44:45.320 --> 0:44:48.839 So the cycle truly does stop with her. Wow, my mother, 0:44:48.960 --> 0:44:50.959 she does. She grappled with the fact that was her father. 0:44:51.040 --> 0:44:53.560 Ever, I mean, I'm hoping, don't you tell me anything 0:44:53.560 --> 0:44:56.560 about Kennedy, But like, I'm sure it was a lot 0:44:56.600 --> 0:44:56.879 for her. 0:44:57.400 --> 0:45:00.319 You know, we were talking about earlier about when she 0:45:00.360 --> 0:45:02.960 would stand in between selling me when she was a 0:45:03.000 --> 0:45:05.799 toddler and me not recognizing that she kind of knew 0:45:05.840 --> 0:45:07.920 what was going on. And I was taking her to 0:45:07.960 --> 0:45:10.960 school one day after the suicide and she was in 0:45:11.000 --> 0:45:16.480 her car seat by me and my psychiatrist, doctor Sophie 0:45:16.480 --> 0:45:20.160 had told me bring him up on occasion and try 0:45:20.160 --> 0:45:23.279 to put memories in her mind so she doesn't think 0:45:23.280 --> 0:45:25.399 people just disappear, you know. Then we just don't talk 0:45:25.400 --> 0:45:28.680 about it anymore, you know. So I said, we were 0:45:28.680 --> 0:45:30.680 a stop by, and I said, do you miss Daddy? 0:45:30.880 --> 0:45:33.799 And she goes no, And she goes no, inn oh, 0:45:34.320 --> 0:45:36.879 and I said, well, sometimes I miss Daddy. And I said, 0:45:36.880 --> 0:45:39.400 remember that time we were at in Hawaii and I 0:45:39.440 --> 0:45:42.279 tried to give her a reference about Sam Castles and 0:45:42.320 --> 0:45:45.160 she goes, Mommy, why would you miss the boy that 0:45:45.200 --> 0:45:49.839 screamed at you all the time at five? And I 0:45:49.920 --> 0:45:52.160 was so happy that she was behind me in her 0:45:52.160 --> 0:45:54.400 car seat because tears are running down my face thinking, 0:45:54.480 --> 0:45:56.880 oh my god, she knew way more than I thought. 0:45:57.120 --> 0:45:58.960 I thought I had protected no way. 0:45:59.280 --> 0:46:01.400 I've been there for years and years of My therapist 0:46:01.400 --> 0:46:06.000 always says, they always know, Like these kids, they just do. 0:46:06.120 --> 0:46:08.040 Like you think you're hiding stuff from your kids, your 0:46:08.120 --> 0:46:09.040 kids know what's. 0:46:08.880 --> 0:46:12.280 Going on absolutely, And that was one of the hardest 0:46:12.280 --> 0:46:13.960 things for me to wrap my head around, is, oh 0:46:14.040 --> 0:46:17.799 my god, I stayed too long and now I was 0:46:17.840 --> 0:46:20.319 a child. My earliest childhood memory is my father beating 0:46:20.360 --> 0:46:23.560 my mother. So I'm like a psychology one oh one 0:46:23.600 --> 0:46:26.800 textbook that I would then follow that exact path, you know, 0:46:26.840 --> 0:46:31.080 which is unfortunately predictable that an abuser, someone who's in 0:46:31.120 --> 0:46:34.680 an abusive household is more likely statistically to become an 0:46:34.719 --> 0:46:37.839 abuser or a victim people. You know, yeah, exactly. So 0:46:38.160 --> 0:46:39.600 having had that. 0:46:39.080 --> 0:46:41.600 That's the whole other I that did got a father 0:46:41.680 --> 0:46:44.399 that beat up your mom, yep. 0:46:44.520 --> 0:46:46.440 And my mom was so brave. She was young and 0:46:46.480 --> 0:46:50.000 she I remember it's so vividly. I remember what my 0:46:50.040 --> 0:46:53.400 pajamas looked like. And I had on blue zip up 0:46:53.440 --> 0:46:55.920 those plastic footy pajamas with a Teddy Bear right here. 0:46:55.960 --> 0:46:59.040 I remember it perfectly. And in talking and so my 0:46:59.200 --> 0:47:02.600 father was beating mother, and she grabbed me and we 0:47:02.680 --> 0:47:05.520 ran out the door. And she never looked back. And 0:47:05.560 --> 0:47:08.560 she was young, really, she was young, and I mean 0:47:08.640 --> 0:47:11.640 so so brave to not go back, because I wow, 0:47:11.719 --> 0:47:15.400 statistics say most people go back seven times before finally leaving, 0:47:15.719 --> 0:47:18.880 but she didn't. And I just my mom. I always 0:47:19.200 --> 0:47:21.480 have mad respect for her for being able to do that. 0:47:21.520 --> 0:47:23.520 And she was very she was very young. 0:47:23.560 --> 0:47:25.080 You think maybe if you had shared it with her, 0:47:25.160 --> 0:47:26.600 like when you were going through it, because I know 0:47:26.640 --> 0:47:29.120 you said you just you just don't want to shadow her. 0:47:29.160 --> 0:47:32.239 But I wonder if she would have I would have 0:47:32.280 --> 0:47:34.280 shattered her to think that you were going through something 0:47:34.280 --> 0:47:38.120 that she went through that was so awful. But I 0:47:38.160 --> 0:47:41.120 wonder if she would have helped, you know, like she 0:47:41.160 --> 0:47:43.759 would have. I don't know, who knows retrospect. 0:47:44.200 --> 0:47:46.759 I didn't want to, like you said, hurt her, and 0:47:47.200 --> 0:47:51.360 I think that she knows. I'm pretty I would have 0:47:51.360 --> 0:47:54.560 been really hard to convince to leave them, so it 0:47:54.560 --> 0:47:56.759 would have been a constant battle for her. It would 0:47:56.800 --> 0:47:59.000 have put her through so much pain, and then seeing 0:47:59.000 --> 0:48:02.160 me not leave and over for Christmas and Thanksgiving and 0:48:02.200 --> 0:48:04.160 just staring at him, thinking what he's doing to me. 0:48:04.320 --> 0:48:07.440 He must be so proud of you now he must 0:48:07.520 --> 0:48:11.120 just be right. Yeah, I mean I know that she 0:48:11.360 --> 0:48:14.840 was really heartbroken at first, because I didn't go to 0:48:14.920 --> 0:48:17.360 her with all of this. I mean, she didn't express 0:48:17.360 --> 0:48:19.359 that to me, but I know that she was. And 0:48:20.640 --> 0:48:23.400 but I'm so proud of her for being so strong. 0:48:23.440 --> 0:48:27.280 But going back to Kennedy, like, the cycle definitely stops 0:48:27.280 --> 0:48:30.000 with her. There's just no way she would allow someone 0:48:30.040 --> 0:48:32.080 to treat her poorly, nor could she wrap her head 0:48:32.080 --> 0:48:34.040 around how I would have ever done it. Good. No, 0:48:34.520 --> 0:48:37.680 so good. She's doing great, but it was a hard 0:48:37.719 --> 0:48:39.719 moment when she asked me about the screaming at me 0:48:39.760 --> 0:48:41.960 all the time, why would you be with a boy 0:48:42.080 --> 0:48:44.120 or miss a boy? 0:48:44.200 --> 0:48:46.920 Well, hopefully, well that'll that will It'll always amaze her 0:48:47.400 --> 0:48:51.200 when she hears hopefully the story and always you how 0:48:51.239 --> 0:48:55.759 was that possibly? My mother is a warrior, you know, Well, 0:48:55.960 --> 0:48:58.799 so Taylor, now that you are such a you are 0:48:59.320 --> 0:49:01.640 a hero, an advocate and a warrior, and now you're 0:49:01.760 --> 0:49:04.560 like doing I mean, how long has your advocacy been 0:49:04.600 --> 0:49:04.920 going on? 0:49:04.960 --> 0:49:05.160 Here? 0:49:05.200 --> 0:49:06.520 Like if you've been talking, I know you have an 0:49:06.520 --> 0:49:08.879 event coming up. I want you to talk about it, yes, 0:49:08.920 --> 0:49:10.520 but how long? I mean you wrote your book? When 0:49:11.000 --> 0:49:14.719 I wrote my book very quickly. We put it out 0:49:14.719 --> 0:49:17.879 at the beginning of twenty twelve. Okay, oh so okay, 0:49:17.880 --> 0:49:19.719 so you had the book, so you put it out there. Yeah, 0:49:19.840 --> 0:49:22.720 and you have you been so you've been going around 0:49:22.800 --> 0:49:25.040 talking about this for a long time, a long time. So, 0:49:25.200 --> 0:49:27.759 and I also would like to say it came up at. 0:49:27.680 --> 0:49:32.480 The at the reunion. Actually, so I needed the money 0:49:32.800 --> 0:49:34.759 for the book, you know, with everything I was going through, 0:49:35.800 --> 0:49:40.239 and so when I was offered the retainer for the 0:49:40.239 --> 0:49:43.600 book in advance, I should say I took it, but 0:49:43.640 --> 0:49:46.279 that part of that requirement would contractually was that I 0:49:46.320 --> 0:49:49.160 had to have it written before the reunion because they 0:49:49.200 --> 0:49:53.160 wanted to launch it then and that was soon. So 0:49:53.280 --> 0:49:57.200 we wrote it very very quickly. But I got some 0:49:57.280 --> 0:50:00.760 criticism at the reunion for writing it from Brandy. 0:50:00.800 --> 0:50:05.760 Of course, I remember, yes, how's your book though something 0:50:05.800 --> 0:50:07.960 like that. It's like it's been a hot minute. I 0:50:07.960 --> 0:50:10.640 don't remember, but we've worked through that over the years. 0:50:10.760 --> 0:50:13.719 But that was I didn't have a choice. 0:50:14.160 --> 0:50:16.400 I'm standing here, care you did have a choice, nothing 0:50:16.440 --> 0:50:18.799 but Bill's and a five year old, and I needed 0:50:18.800 --> 0:50:19.120 the money. 0:50:19.120 --> 0:50:20.480 It's amazing, as she would have said that, I mean, 0:50:20.560 --> 0:50:23.839 things look so different all these years later, like wow. 0:50:23.840 --> 0:50:26.320 Yeah, it was kind of it was in that moment 0:50:26.360 --> 0:50:29.480 I just thought, oh, you're you're a simple mom, like 0:50:29.520 --> 0:50:33.120 I could understand, you know. So yes, So the book 0:50:33.239 --> 0:50:36.200 comes out and I started doing the book book tour 0:50:36.320 --> 0:50:39.240 and started doing you know, slowly started doing some public 0:50:39.280 --> 0:50:43.560 speaking universities, corporations, so amazed. 0:50:43.640 --> 0:50:46.040 Hy WCA, Well, tell us, okay, so tell us what's 0:50:46.040 --> 0:50:47.560 going on now? Tell us what's going There's a event 0:50:47.600 --> 0:50:49.800 coming up on the eleventh of November. 0:50:49.360 --> 0:50:50.600 November thirteenth, thirteenth. 0:50:50.600 --> 0:50:54.120 I'm so sorry, eleventhys that's okay, thank you eleven thirteen 0:50:54.160 --> 0:50:56.080 in her voice, and illinoise. 0:50:55.640 --> 0:50:58.760 Please tell us about yes YWCA, which I love speaking 0:50:58.800 --> 0:51:01.759 with them, working with them. They are amazing, and you know, 0:51:02.000 --> 0:51:04.560 we all know how incredible their work is. And they 0:51:04.600 --> 0:51:07.759 are in Evanston, Illinois. So I will be there on 0:51:07.800 --> 0:51:10.200 November thirteenth in her voice, and it will be in 0:51:10.239 --> 0:51:12.560 my voice. Love it, I love it, I love it. 0:51:12.680 --> 0:51:14.880 I love you. I love you too. I'm so proud 0:51:14.880 --> 0:51:16.560 of you. Thank you, and thank you for letting me 0:51:16.560 --> 0:51:17.760 share my story with more people. 0:51:18.000 --> 0:51:21.200 Yeah, Taylor, thank you so much for continuing to share 0:51:21.239 --> 0:51:23.920 your story. You are definitely helping to save people from 0:51:23.920 --> 0:51:26.680 the grips of their abusers and just know that they 0:51:26.840 --> 0:51:31.040 aren't alone. You guys, this podcast is about you, the listeners. 0:51:31.080 --> 0:51:33.120 Do you have questions when it comes to your chapter two? 0:51:33.239 --> 0:51:35.720 Not sure where to even start? Call us or email 0:51:35.800 --> 0:51:38.440 us all the infos in the show notes, follow us 0:51:38.440 --> 0:51:40.680 on socials. Make sure to rate and review the podcast. 0:51:41.160 --> 0:51:44.239 I Do Part two an iHeart podcast where falling in 0:51:44.280 --> 0:51:47.200 love and loving yourself is the main objective.