WEBVTT - How Men Think with Kristoffer Polaha 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:03.960 We're taking you inside the mind of a man. This 0:00:04.519 --> 0:00:08.959 is How Men Thick and I Heard radio podcast. Hi everyone, 0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:11.920 I'm Christopher Palaha. You may know me from Lifetime, is 0:00:11.920 --> 0:00:15.480 Buried in Barstow, or Hallmark Christmas Movies, Life, Unexpected, Ringer, 0:00:15.520 --> 0:00:19.599 North Shore, Wonder Woman, The Upcoming Draftic World Dominion, and 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:21.960 I am so happy to be guest hosting How Men 0:00:22.120 --> 0:00:24.520 Think and answer all your questions and trying to help 0:00:24.520 --> 0:00:28.240 you understand how men think. But first, this is eleven 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:34.080 Questions with Christopher Palaha. Let's get into it. One. What 0:00:34.159 --> 0:00:37.839 are you known for? Tell us about yourself. Um, I 0:00:37.880 --> 0:00:41.640 think I'm known for I'm obviously I'm an actor, so 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:43.120 I think I'm known for being an actor. But I 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:45.639 think more than that, I'm known for being a kind 0:00:45.680 --> 0:00:49.559 of a family man. I'm married. My wife and I 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:53.920 have been married for nineteen years. Going. Uh, actually we're 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:58.840 celebrating our nineteenth anniversary this week, and we have three beautiful, 0:00:58.880 --> 0:01:03.760 healthy boys who are now men basically. Um. But but 0:01:03.880 --> 0:01:06.640 aside from that producing a family, I've been I've been 0:01:06.680 --> 0:01:09.319 making TV shows and movies for the past twenty one years. 0:01:09.319 --> 0:01:11.720 I just got into directing so I can call myself 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:14.840 a filmmaker. So that's kind of a bit about myself. 0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:21.759 Um So who are you in your personal life? Um? 0:01:21.880 --> 0:01:25.520 Who I am in my personal life is very similar 0:01:25.520 --> 0:01:31.640 to who I am in my public life. Um. I 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:36.319 am pretty patient person. I would have to call myself 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:40.839 a kind person. I'm a person who's pretty slow to anger. 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:46.120 I don't really lose my cool. Um, I do have 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:48.840 different hats that I have to wear. Like as an actor, 0:01:49.320 --> 0:01:53.960 I I live in a world where, uh, I am 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:56.480 a celebrity to some people, and I get, you know, 0:01:56.560 --> 0:02:01.200 lifted up into the stratosphere of social sort of significance 0:02:01.240 --> 0:02:04.480 that that my job affords me, but that I don't 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:07.680 do anything about personally. So I think in the sense 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:11.240 that there's an exterior you know, sort of in the 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:13.880 market place life where I'm in the public space and 0:02:13.919 --> 0:02:16.600 I'm moving about and then I get to just lose 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:19.720 all that energy when I'm home with my wife and kids. 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:24.480 Um So there's a bit of a dichotomy. There three 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:28.160 shows that I'm currently binge watching. All right, my wife 0:02:28.160 --> 0:02:29.799 and I like to at the end of the day, 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:32.480 kids are in bed, homework has done, all the house 0:02:32.560 --> 0:02:34.880 chores are finished. We get to we get about an 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:38.400 hour and a half every night. UM, on a really 0:02:38.440 --> 0:02:41.440 good day for her, I will rub her feet and 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:45.760 we will watch shows. We've Bnged Dope Sick, which is 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:50.919 incredible starring Michael Keaton, We Crashed and Half Away and 0:02:51.040 --> 0:02:56.400 Jared Leto and Drop Out with Amanda Secrety. Those are 0:02:56.440 --> 0:02:58.400 things that Those are literally the last three shows that 0:02:58.400 --> 0:03:02.960 we've just been watched. UM alright, Question number four, what 0:03:03.160 --> 0:03:07.880 is my favorite food? You know what, I used to 0:03:07.919 --> 0:03:10.079 be fancy about my favorite foods, but I gotta be 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:12.040 honest with you. My favorite food is a good old 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:16.760 fashioned cheeseburger. I like cheeseburger from shake Shack. I like 0:03:16.840 --> 0:03:20.399 the cheeseburger from a place called Laurel tavern in the valley. 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:22.960 And I was just in France and I asked for 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:25.040 cheeseburgers and people made fun of me, and it was 0:03:25.080 --> 0:03:27.920 the They were the best cheeseburgers I've ever had in 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:30.120 my life. Like the meat was so tasty and good. 0:03:30.120 --> 0:03:34.359 And so I think cheeseburgers to safe bet. Anywhere you go, 0:03:34.480 --> 0:03:38.640 you get a good one. Number five, tell us about 0:03:38.800 --> 0:03:44.640 your career. When my career is been really blessed and good. 0:03:44.680 --> 0:03:48.240 I've had twenty one years of affording my life by 0:03:48.320 --> 0:03:51.760 only acting. I've only ever been an actor. I've never 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:54.880 had to do other jobs to make it, so in 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:57.440 that way, it's been really blessed. And I've also been 0:03:57.480 --> 0:03:59.720 the kind of actor where I can go to the 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:03.440 growth True store and shop with my kids and not 0:04:03.800 --> 0:04:07.440 be bombarded. I've been with some people who, Um, I 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:11.400 worked with a guy who was really famous, and everywhere 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:14.240 we went, i mean we're talking like the hot We're 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:20.040 talking the you know, anywhere we went, like anywhere everywhere, 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:22.599 people were like, Hey, you're so and so from that 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:24.640 so and so thing. And I asked him when I 0:04:24.720 --> 0:04:26.240 was like, how does that feel like when you're with 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:29.040 your family? And he's like, oh, it's crazy, man. He's like, 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:32.200 I'm always kind of having the And I've watched intense 0:04:32.240 --> 0:04:37.040 scrutiny that that fame brings, and um, I've been saved 0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:39.000 from that at least all my kids have been young. 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:41.120 And so I've had this really cool thing where I've 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:43.799 been able to be a father, able to be a husband, 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:46.320 able to be a provider, and still have probably one 0:04:46.360 --> 0:04:48.360 of the best jobs in the world, which is, you know, 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:51.400 pretending to be other people and entertaining people and getting 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:54.719 to make people laugh and cry. My career has included 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:57.680 television and film, and recently, UM, I got into co 0:04:57.800 --> 0:05:01.360 writing a romance series called Moments Like It's called from 0:05:01.400 --> 0:05:06.000 ConA with Love. But um their books and the first 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:08.200 one which has been published and is out and available 0:05:08.279 --> 0:05:11.680 right now, it's called Moments Like This. And the second 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:14.400 book will be available at Barnes and Nobles and everywhere 0:05:14.440 --> 0:05:18.919 the books are sold October eleventh. That's called Where's Roses? 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:21.360 And we're gonna write three more in the series, so 0:05:21.360 --> 0:05:24.120 it'll be a total of five books. And these are romance. 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:26.680 This is the romance. There's a family saga that all 0:05:26.760 --> 0:05:29.120 takes place on the Hawaiian Islands, so each book is 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:32.000 a different island. And we're turning the first book into 0:05:32.040 --> 0:05:36.560 a movie. Um yeah, And I just recently got into directing. 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:38.800 I did a short film called The Work of Art 0:05:38.839 --> 0:05:42.240 that was just screened to canned film festivals. So exciting, 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:47.599 fun stuff. Um. Number six, what is my biggest fear 0:05:47.880 --> 0:05:58.360 in life? Oh? What is my biggest fear? Man? It's 0:05:58.400 --> 0:06:03.279 not it's losing people. It's it's the death of people 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:06.800 that I love. That's my biggest fear. And I think 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:10.839 the best way to describe that fear for you is that, Um, 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:14.920 when I was a boy, I would weep hot tears 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:18.520 every time my mom or my dad left, whether they 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:22.680 dropped me off at Little League or they bringing home 0:06:22.720 --> 0:06:24.280 from school and they had to run an errand real quick, 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:27.600 I would start to cry because I was terrified and 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:29.760 convinced that they were going to die in a terrible 0:06:29.800 --> 0:06:32.120 carrect and then that was it. And the only way 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:34.320 that I was able to overcome that was to say, like, 0:06:34.800 --> 0:06:38.280 in my mind, visualize, well what next. Okay, so they 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:40.240 die and then what happens, and then what happens, and 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:42.920 then what happens, and see their death all the way 0:06:42.920 --> 0:06:48.120 through um to the end. And I think that would 0:06:48.120 --> 0:06:49.960 be I think my biggest fear. And then the problem 0:06:50.040 --> 0:06:52.560 with that fear is, unlike the fear of spiders or 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:56.599 heights or sharks or inevitably, it's going to come to 0:06:56.640 --> 0:06:59.800 pass for me on every level. So that's I think 0:06:59.839 --> 0:07:04.080 it's a it's a constant awareness of that. Um. Okay, 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:05.880 number seven, what is my biggest pet peve? My biggest 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:08.640 pet peeves probably rude people market, you know, like at 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:10.840 the grocery store people who cut you off in traffic. 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:14.880 We take some minutes to recalibrate and not get angry. Um. 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:17.520 What makes me most happy? My wife and my kids 0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:20.560 make me most happy just being able to hear them laugh, 0:07:20.640 --> 0:07:24.240 be around them. You know that's always the best any 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:28.160 time with them. What is your idea Saturday morning? Well 0:07:28.520 --> 0:07:31.760 goes back to number eight. Most happy? Uh, my wife 0:07:31.760 --> 0:07:33.840 and I'll be sleeping and our kids will just dogpile 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:36.040 us and we'll all just be laying in bed in 0:07:36.080 --> 0:07:38.680 that moment where there's nothing to do and you don't 0:07:38.680 --> 0:07:40.600 have to get up. There's no there's no school to 0:07:40.680 --> 0:07:43.160 drive anyone to, no work to do, and it's like 0:07:43.160 --> 0:07:47.360 a perfect Saturday morning. Number ten, Are you more of 0:07:47.440 --> 0:07:52.000 the athlete for the armchair quarterback? I'm like more of 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:54.480 the athlete. I like to run a lot. I'm very active. 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:58.120 I ski. Um Like every time I go to a 0:07:58.160 --> 0:07:59.960 new city, the best way around it is to job 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:03.320 early in the morning. Um. So I think the athlete 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:08.880 And then what keeps you elevated? Um? I have a 0:08:08.880 --> 0:08:11.320 lot of goals that I've set for myself, and I 0:08:11.360 --> 0:08:15.240 feel like until I can meet those, uh, that keeps 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:18.000 me motivated. There's stories that I want to tell. There 0:08:18.000 --> 0:08:21.000 are things I want to accomplish as an artist. Um, 0:08:21.160 --> 0:08:24.360 there are things I want to accomplish, you know, financially, 0:08:24.520 --> 0:08:27.040 and I want to see my kids, you know, go 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:28.680 up and grow up and do well. And so those 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:42.160 things keep me motivated. Hi, Eli, Hi, how are you? 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:45.960 I'm great? How are you doing the day? Very well? 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:48.439 Thank you good. Do you have a question about how 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:51.360 men think? Well, I'm single, I'm trying to get out 0:08:51.400 --> 0:08:54.320 there in real life and rather than relate relying on 0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:57.160 dating apps. Do you think it's strange to me a 0:08:57.200 --> 0:09:02.640 girl out a loan or a bar? I mean, I 0:09:02.679 --> 0:09:05.439 think it depends on the bar. I think it depends 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:07.600 on the night. I think it depends on the time 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:12.040 and night. Um. I think there's a lot of you know, 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:14.080 things you got to weigh into that question. But no, 0:09:14.280 --> 0:09:16.160 I think a bar is a social It's a it's 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:18.520 a town. It's a public meeting place. It's where people 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:21.360 go to, you know, to have a drink and to 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:24.439 talk to other human beings. I think that's what bars 0:09:24.440 --> 0:09:27.280 were designed for. You know. I'm I'm I'm of a 0:09:27.280 --> 0:09:30.160 certain age. I'm forty five, and so the whole thing 0:09:30.160 --> 0:09:32.920 of meeting people online was always in an anthema to me, 0:09:33.120 --> 0:09:35.960 Like I never thought about using the internet to meet anybody. 0:09:35.960 --> 0:09:38.160 So there's a whole generation of people where that's the normal, 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:40.920 you know, status quote. But it used to be you 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:43.240 had to go to church, you meet single people at church. 0:09:43.480 --> 0:09:45.120 You went to a bar and you single, you know, 0:09:45.240 --> 0:09:48.160 or you go jogging or any public place. So I 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:52.839 don't think it's weird at all. Okay, I just didn't 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:55.080 know if that looks kind of tacky. But you know, 0:09:55.120 --> 0:09:57.120 there's not too many routes unless you're going to go 0:09:57.160 --> 0:09:59.160 on online dating, which I was trying to avoid. So 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:03.400 I appreciate these. Thank you. I mean, I think if 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:05.839 you sip, if you sit modestly throughout the course of 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:07.520 the evening, you know, if you're like ten drinks in, 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:10.400 it might be a little uh might say something about 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:16.240 it fair enough? Thank you? Hi, Amy, How are you? 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:19.880 I'm doing good? How are you doing great? Thank you? 0:10:20.600 --> 0:10:25.840 So what's your question? Okay, So my boyfriend and I 0:10:25.920 --> 0:10:31.960 decided to abstain before marriage, and we've had this agreement 0:10:31.960 --> 0:10:36.800 for about five years. But lately I've had a change 0:10:36.840 --> 0:10:41.520 of heart and I'm just wondering if maybe we need 0:10:41.559 --> 0:10:43.959 to see where a good fit before we get married. 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:49.880 So I don't know how to bring this up to him. Wow, Okay, 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:53.040 first off, let's unpack the fact that it's been five years. 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:56.480 That's a long time. Um, are you guys engaged to 0:10:56.559 --> 0:10:59.920 be married? Are you gonna get married? Are you? Yeah, 0:11:00.120 --> 0:11:04.719 we're engaged. We're waiting, So it's we're not going to 0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:08.360 marry in the next month. You know, we're planning, so right, 0:11:08.760 --> 0:11:11.600 I mean, my first gut instinct is to say, you've 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:16.400 waited this long? You know, there's something like I think. Okay, 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:19.200 first off, are you have you abstained? Are both of 0:11:19.200 --> 0:11:21.920 you virgins? Have you both substained your whole lives? Or 0:11:21.960 --> 0:11:24.480 were you guys active prior to dating and then made 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:27.760 a choice after you started dating to sort of abstain? 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:32.840 Like where did the choice for purity come in? Um? 0:11:33.040 --> 0:11:39.960 So not in my younger, younger years, but um, we 0:11:40.120 --> 0:11:45.240 both converted and we decided that we were going to abstain. Yeah, 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:48.200 I mean, I think it's a really interesting conversation. I 0:11:48.240 --> 0:11:51.079 think that if you are, like, for example, if you're 0:11:51.080 --> 0:11:54.040 a Christian and you've made the decision to substain for 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:57.959 religious purposes. It's because you're in a relationship with God 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:00.440 inasmuch as you in a relationship with this other person 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:03.920 and you want God to have you know, you want 0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:07.800 your relationship to you know, you want to have purity 0:12:07.800 --> 0:12:09.120 in that, you want to have favor in that you 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:10.960 wanted to You want to be doing the things that 0:12:10.960 --> 0:12:14.320 are that are right according to your faith, and so 0:12:14.360 --> 0:12:16.280 that you can do things that are right according to 0:12:16.440 --> 0:12:19.680 the to the faith within that relationship. Um. You know, 0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:22.200 for example, my wife and I waited. She was a 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:25.600 virgin before we got married. I was not um but 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:28.000 when I met her, I made the decision to wait 0:12:28.120 --> 0:12:32.120 with her. UM. And in a weird way, like when 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:35.680 you believe in God and when you like, I imagine, 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:38.080 did you guys are did you convert to Christianity? Is 0:12:38.080 --> 0:12:41.400 that what you guys converted into? Okay? So, like when 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:43.880 you believe in the Christian narrative, all of a sudden 0:12:43.920 --> 0:12:46.840 you believe that God really does have a personal interest 0:12:47.080 --> 0:12:50.319 in all aspects of your life, and he cares about 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:53.040 your your sex, he cares about your health, he cares 0:12:53.040 --> 0:12:57.280 about your relationships. And that's in in a relationship to Him, 0:12:57.320 --> 0:13:00.800 to God, but also to each other scifically when you 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:03.360 bring Jesus into the conversation and how he loved people 0:13:03.400 --> 0:13:06.120 and how we're supposed to love people like him. So 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:10.680 I think that I think that since you've waited, and 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:14.520 since your intentions are to get married, I would just 0:13:14.600 --> 0:13:18.679 keep waiting, even though that's this idea of is he 0:13:18.760 --> 0:13:21.920 going to be a good fit or not, because having 0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:24.440 been somebody who didn't wait, Like I had a girlfriend 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:26.000 and we weren't awesome on the front end, but you 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:28.680 learned a kind of you learn to work with each 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:32.600 other and you know, like chemistry build chemistry, like there 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:35.160 isn't really a bad fit. And I think and I 0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:37.480 think that's kind of where you know, you you walk 0:13:37.520 --> 0:13:39.840 in faith and you say, you know, Lord of really 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:42.640 waiting for this person and hopefully your your sex life 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:45.199 is blessed. And I think that's a part of being 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:48.160 in a healthy marriage is you know, like figuring out 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:51.040 what that relationships looks like and and how often do 0:13:51.080 --> 0:13:53.959 you do it? And and there's something about we live 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:58.880 in a world that's very very um it's not it's 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:02.280 not that it's confusing. It's confusing if you're a Christian 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:04.400 because you're looking around the landscape. You're going like wow, 0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:07.720 like everything is wide open, but there's this God put 0:14:08.120 --> 0:14:11.240 stop signs for humans because if you blast through the 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:14.000 stop signs and you start speeding, you could just get dangerous. 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:16.360 But it's dangerous for your heart, you know what I mean. 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:19.320 And so I think if you if you slow down 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:22.040 a little bit and you take it how it was 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:24.880 meant to be designed, which is it's I believe that 0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:26.960 sex is like a taste of heaven. I believe it's 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:30.360 like it's intensely pleasurable, and God wanted us to be 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:32.760 designed that way, you know what I mean, so that 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:35.120 we can have this incredible experience while we're here on 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:38.240 earth before we die. And then and then you know, 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:39.760 if it's between a man and a woman, then you 0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:42.200 get to make a baby hopefully, and you can start 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:44.240 your family. And there's all sorts of things that come 0:14:44.240 --> 0:14:48.800 out of it. Um when we have sex just out 0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:52.480 of sheer, you know, for sheer pleasure. I think what 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:56.240 you'll find ultimately, regardless of whether or not you ascribe 0:14:56.240 --> 0:14:59.240 to the Christian narrative, if you're just a person, it's 0:14:59.240 --> 0:15:01.880 like a drug. We burned through that and before you 0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:04.320 know it, you need more and more, and you need different, 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:06.280 you need and so you kind of like and so 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:08.560 it does get a little dangerous. And I think that 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:11.880 you know, I don't know. I mean, that's my personal opinion. 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:14.560 You called the guy, you called this guy today to 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:18.160 ask this guy, so how this man thinks. I think 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:20.480 if you honestly waited five years, I also think you 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.720 should pretty quick. Like I think you guys should go 0:15:22.760 --> 0:15:27.720 ahead and tie the knot thank you, I did not 0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:30.960 wait to get married. But also look at like why 0:15:31.000 --> 0:15:33.880 are you wanting to almost ask yourself the question like 0:15:34.000 --> 0:15:37.480 why are you considering why do you think now after 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:40.120 five years you want to introduce sexity relationship? And is 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:43.240 it because you've hit a bump? Is it because you're 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:45.760 kind of like you're feeling it straight? And then maybe 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:47.920 that's a question you've got to ask yourself, like is 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:49.800 he the guy that you're supposed to be with? And 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:53.640 then what's beautiful about waiting is if he's not, then 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:56.120 the next person comes in. And if you guys are 0:15:56.200 --> 0:15:58.240 both waited, then you you're still fresh for each other 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:00.800 and you're still yah. You know mean, I don't know, 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:03.600 I don't know. Should should I still bring it up? 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:06.000 To him and say like, hey, I've had these thoughts 0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:08.480 and maybe it's something we need to look into, not 0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:10.960 in terms of us having sex, people getting married, but 0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:14.720 if it's something between us, Yeah, maybe, I mean, I 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:17.480 think it's I think it's always important to have a 0:16:17.520 --> 0:16:21.200 really open dialogue with your significant other. I think that's 0:16:21.200 --> 0:16:26.000 the best. That's the that's that's you know, a relationship 0:16:26.080 --> 0:16:29.440 is all about conversation. It's about honest conversation and say like, 0:16:29.840 --> 0:16:31.640 you know, I've been having this feeling. But I wonder 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:34.760 if it's because I'm wanting to like bridge something, or 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:37.480 I feel a gap and I'm trying to fill this gap, 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:40.040 or I feel you're slipping away, or I'm a little 0:16:40.600 --> 0:16:43.200 I'm starting to slip away and I need more connected 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:45.800 to you, And you know, maybe that's where the heart 0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:48.040 of it is. And maybe it's not about you know, 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:50.800 sex is fun, but it's it's ephemeral. It's quick, and 0:16:50.800 --> 0:16:52.520 it's done, and it's then you're and then you're still 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:56.640 stuck with whatever, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah, 0:16:56.920 --> 0:16:59.880 thank you so much. You're welcome, Ami, thanks for calling. 0:17:00.560 --> 0:17:05.200 All right, thank you, Hi, Claire, welcome to the show. 0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:09.160 Thank you so much. So did you call with a question? 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:13.840 I did? All right, what is your question, Clarience, Well, 0:17:13.880 --> 0:17:17.560 my question is I have been married for ten going 0:17:17.640 --> 0:17:21.760 on eleven years. Mary is great, thank you. I know, right, 0:17:21.760 --> 0:17:25.480 I'm pretty I mean, I feel like in today's California 0:17:25.480 --> 0:17:28.320 it's a huge moms to it's a big deal. Yeah. So, 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:31.639 and we are very happy and we have two amazing kids. 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:35.720 One is six and one is eight. And I am 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:39.800 feeling really frustrated right now because I feel, I feel 0:17:39.800 --> 0:17:41.600 and I know, I know it's not just a feeling. 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:45.760 I know that I am always the disciplinary in My 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:51.440 husband always resorts to whatever your mom says, go ask 0:17:51.480 --> 0:17:55.560 your mom? Did you talk to your mom? And I 0:17:55.600 --> 0:17:59.120 need him in order for our kids to not see 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:01.480 us as good ca bad cop. I need him to 0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:05.000 be more firm with the kids. But I don't want 0:18:05.000 --> 0:18:07.640 to make him feel like he's not being a good parent, 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:09.720 because he is a good parent. So I would love 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:13.800 some advice on how to have that discussion with him without, 0:18:13.880 --> 0:18:16.080 you know, making it sound like I'm the bad cop 0:18:16.119 --> 0:18:20.040 and he's the good cop every time? Right, Claire, Yes, 0:18:20.359 --> 0:18:25.040 you are your your your desire for for equity regarding 0:18:25.080 --> 0:18:29.560 discipline is justified. Um, what's your husband's name? Is that 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:33.680 okay to ask him? Yeah, it's Thomas Thomas, so you'd say, hey, Tom, 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:37.200 Like I think, have you had the conversation with him about, Hey, 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:39.439 this feels unfair and you make me feel like the 0:18:39.440 --> 0:18:40.920 bad cop and you get to be the good coup 0:18:40.960 --> 0:18:45.919 Have you had that conversation yet? I've teetered around it, 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:50.560 but the couple of times I've brought it up, I 0:18:50.600 --> 0:18:54.280 feel like he has been Like I think his reaction 0:18:54.400 --> 0:18:58.959 is just, oh, you're overreacting. Oh, like that's not true. Like, 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:00.879 I think he's kind of in denial. I don't think 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:04.159 he really realizes that he does it as much as 0:19:04.440 --> 0:19:06.680 he does. It's always go ask your mother, what did 0:19:06.680 --> 0:19:09.120 your mother say? You know, what would your mother think? 0:19:09.200 --> 0:19:11.640 Whatever your mother says? You know, And I don't. I mean, 0:19:11.720 --> 0:19:14.919 I notice it. I think more because it's he's you know, 0:19:15.200 --> 0:19:19.159 it's me. He's deflecting everything onto you. Yeah, okay, So 0:19:19.280 --> 0:19:22.040 my wife does this wonderful thing where she goes on strike. 0:19:22.280 --> 0:19:24.680 She's like, Okay, I'm just not gonna if you don't wanna, 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:26.320 you know, if you don't value the fact that I 0:19:26.359 --> 0:19:28.639 do laundry, Like here, you do it for a week 0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:33.359 and it really drives home the message pretty quick, or 0:19:33.400 --> 0:19:36.040 I'm like, oh, I really do appreciate this, like this 0:19:36.080 --> 0:19:39.240 is kind of amazing, or wow, you are really helpful 0:19:39.320 --> 0:19:41.520 with the kids, or this. So I wonder what would 0:19:41.520 --> 0:19:44.359 happen if you instead of Okay, so the conversation is 0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:46.720 hard to have, and if he's not as receptive the conversation, 0:19:46.760 --> 0:19:49.879 I wonder what would happen if you, for a period 0:19:49.880 --> 0:19:53.560 of time, deliberately made the decision to just deflect all 0:19:53.600 --> 0:19:57.000 of it onto Thomas and be like, whatever your father says, 0:19:57.040 --> 0:19:58.600 you do what your father says, and then all and 0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:02.119 like trump him in being the good cop. Basically, I 0:20:02.320 --> 0:20:05.840 love this idea. Yeah, you know, it's not it's not 0:20:05.880 --> 0:20:08.080 my issue, it's daddy's. Should talk to daddy about it 0:20:08.119 --> 0:20:10.159 and like let him see what happens when you just 0:20:10.280 --> 0:20:13.760 dump everything into his lab. You know, this might actually 0:20:13.760 --> 0:20:16.440 work out well because my mom is coming into town 0:20:16.720 --> 0:20:19.920 next week, so they'll be like two days where I'm 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:22.120 gonna be doing some things with her, and I think 0:20:22.160 --> 0:20:24.520 I just won't be as available anyway to my kids. 0:20:24.520 --> 0:20:27.240 So if I kind of couple that with you know, 0:20:27.760 --> 0:20:30.480 for a few days kind of I like like this, 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:32.359 I like this, I like, Hey, Mom's going to be 0:20:32.359 --> 0:20:34.160 in town. I'm gonna be super busy for the next 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:37.000 few days. I really need you to kind of take 0:20:37.080 --> 0:20:39.199 take over daddy duty with the kids, you know, like 0:20:39.240 --> 0:20:41.800 I need If you really want my opinion on this, 0:20:41.880 --> 0:20:44.600 I think you should frontload it with this decision. So 0:20:44.760 --> 0:20:47.359 like three days before your mom comes into town, I 0:20:47.400 --> 0:20:51.080 would start to strike and then let the let a crescendo. 0:20:51.160 --> 0:20:52.880 So when she's there, you're like, maybe I'm with my mom, 0:20:52.960 --> 0:20:55.040 like I don't know what to do, Like I'm I'm 0:20:55.080 --> 0:20:57.199 got So he's already feeling it by the time your 0:20:57.240 --> 0:21:00.560 mom gets there. Oh my gosh, I love me. Thomas 0:21:00.640 --> 0:21:02.160 is gonna be like you, son of a gun? Why 0:21:02.160 --> 0:21:03.960 do you give her that advice? Here's what I'm gonna 0:21:03.960 --> 0:21:07.160 say to you, the Claire Um. I know that relationships 0:21:07.200 --> 0:21:11.320 are long term investments, and discipline is the most incredible 0:21:11.320 --> 0:21:13.520 way to show love because we don't get to discipline 0:21:13.560 --> 0:21:16.359 everybody in our lives. Like there's only a few people 0:21:16.520 --> 0:21:18.679 that we get to discipline and who will listen to 0:21:18.800 --> 0:21:22.280 us and chart and change the course of their lives. 0:21:22.560 --> 0:21:25.400 And that input you're giving into your kids, Like even 0:21:25.400 --> 0:21:27.639 though it's frustrating and it might feel unfair and I 0:21:27.720 --> 0:21:29.880 might feel like you're always being the bad cop, it's 0:21:29.880 --> 0:21:32.520 gonna bond you guys in a way that And truly 0:21:32.520 --> 0:21:35.800 he's missing out on that experience. And so for him 0:21:35.840 --> 0:21:38.840 as a man, like I wish I could talk to him, 0:21:38.880 --> 0:21:42.280