WEBVTT - #53 Leif 0:00:03.400 --> 0:00:06.840 Khalila. Yeah, hi 's Jonathan. 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:08.600 Yeah, I called you. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.160 So you're hosting the show. Yeah, it's a personal story. 0:00:12.240 --> 0:00:14.680 Indeed. Yeah, it's kind of like an oral report that 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:16.840 you're condescending. 0:00:19.400 --> 0:00:21.800 Well, I mean it's a report given by the mouth. 0:00:21.840 --> 0:00:24.480 I mean sure, by that metric, all your episodes are 0:00:24.600 --> 0:00:28.560 or all reports. So well, yeah, it doesn't feel so good, 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:29.040 it doesn't. 0:00:29.120 --> 0:00:29.800 It doesn't. 0:00:30.320 --> 0:00:31.720 Here we go an oral. 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:34.880 Report given by Khalila Holt. 0:00:35.000 --> 0:00:36.960 All right, put your name at the top of the 0:00:37.080 --> 0:00:38.040 oral report. 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:40.000 How do you pay your name at the top of 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:42.080 an oral report? 0:00:42.440 --> 0:00:43.000 You say it. 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:53.840 I'm Khalila Holt and this is have You eight today's 0:00:53.880 --> 0:01:12.640 episode Lathe right after the break, I'm walking to work 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:16.640 one morning when I spot Laife heading towards me. From 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:20.000 the ages of twelve to fourteen, life was my crush, 0:01:20.360 --> 0:01:24.240 the object of my junior high obsession. I still google 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:28.360 him occasionally, but he's completely absent from the internet. I 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:31.120 have no idea what became of him. It's like he 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.360 just disappeared. So when I see him on the street, 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:37.200 I feel my heart speed up. I wonder if I 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:40.960 should say hi. I wonder if I say hi in 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:47.680 what tone I should go life, life, Oh Liafe. But 0:01:47.800 --> 0:01:51.280 then as I dropped closer, I realized that the man 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:54.160 I thought was life is not life at all, and 0:01:54.240 --> 0:01:57.680 in fact, it is not even a man. He's a teenager. 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:01.680 This makes sense give that I've not seen Laife since 0:02:01.720 --> 0:02:05.960 I was fourteen years old. Still having your heart speed 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:08.320 up at the sight of a teenager is a sure 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:15.359 way to feel like a creep. And just like that, 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:19.480 to quote Carrie Bradshaw, Lefe is back on my mind 0:02:22.600 --> 0:02:25.120 all these years later, and I remember the exact type 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:28.600 of pen laf Ro with. I remember his birthday. I 0:02:28.639 --> 0:02:31.000 remember how he kept his wallet on a long chain 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:33.480 the first time I'd ever seen such a thing done, 0:02:33.960 --> 0:02:36.760 and wore a quicksilver sweatshirt with holes worn through the 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:40.160 sleeves that he'd stick his thumbs through. He was pale, 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:42.799 with blue eyes, short and slight. 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:47.080 I remember him being kind of like wayfish, almost like 0:02:47.160 --> 0:02:48.680 kind of almost like a furial. 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:53.800 Crushes do not exist in a vacuum. They require gleeful 0:02:53.880 --> 0:02:57.799 gossip with your friends. And so I call Echia, who's 0:02:57.840 --> 0:03:00.960 been my best friend since elementary school, to talk about 0:03:00.960 --> 0:03:02.320 our old classmate Laife. 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:05.000 He had this like light blonde hair that he died 0:03:05.000 --> 0:03:07.880 and was a long like down to her, but hair 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:10.400 long like like a bobbling but like shag. 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:15.840 Then yeah, there go the men's bob. Once, while away 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:19.000 on a school sponsored trip, we phoned Leife from our 0:03:19.000 --> 0:03:23.360 hotel room, me, Lucia, and our other friend, Emily. But 0:03:23.400 --> 0:03:26.440 three of us huddled together on the scratchy Marriotte comforter, 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:30.680 stifling our giddiness as we dialed. My God, I don't 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:32.519 remember if we actually talked to the thing I remember 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:35.720 is that we called. We talked to his mom. Our 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:39.240 friend Emily asked if she could speak with Laife. It's Emily, 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:43.480 she said. Emily said, Leife's mom, go upstairs and talk 0:03:43.520 --> 0:03:46.920 to him. Then she hung up on us. Turned out 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:48.240 he had a sister named Emily. 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:49.960 So weird. 0:03:51.240 --> 0:03:54.960 Lucia's stepmom was a photographer, and she once mentioned that 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:57.560 if Leife and I ever started dating, she wanted to 0:03:57.600 --> 0:04:00.400 take our portrait. I don't think she knew I had 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:03.560 a crush on him. Laife was just so short and 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:06.040 I was so tall that I think she found the 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:09.520 idea of us as a couple funny. I was already 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:12.480 six feet tall by the end of eighth grade. I 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.680 got pressured into playing basketball, but I was so meek 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:18.640 that I usually just stood there while some terrifying girl 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:21.599 shoved by me with the ball. I don't like to 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:24.840 look at pictures of myself from that time, standing next 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:27.400 to other kids my age. I look like the teacher 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:31.520 or like someone's off putting sister home from college. None 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:34.680 of my pants fit correctly. My socks were always pulled 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:37.600 up too high. I used to listen to the song 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:42.160 eleanor Rigby and panic. In my interpretation, it was a 0:04:42.160 --> 0:04:44.480 song about how no one wanted to date poor old 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:47.640 eleanor Rigby, just like no one wanted to date me. 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:56.360 When I was thirteen. One day I was sitting by 0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:59.279 the gym after school with my friend Desiree, when she 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:03.560 told me, I picture you getting a boyfriend in college. 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:06.159 She laid out this whole hypothetical where me and my 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:09.240 future boyfriend reached for the same book at the library. 0:05:10.040 --> 0:05:14.280 At the time. I was offended college. Other girls at 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:18.960 my school, desire included, already had boyfriends the middle school 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:21.240 version of a boyfriend where you were afraid to touch 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:24.080 each other and broke up after a week. But still 0:05:24.680 --> 0:05:27.960 I had to wait till college. But as it turned 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:31.280 out I did not get a boyfriend before college, nor 0:05:31.320 --> 0:05:35.640 in college, nor even for several years after college, and 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:40.039 so I concluded the problem was not my circumstances. The 0:05:40.120 --> 0:05:44.960 problem was me. I was not datable. After meeting me 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:48.239 for the first time, people might say, oh, she was funny, 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:52.479 but they'd never say, is she single. I was simply 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:56.840 not a person that anyone could think of romantically. At 0:05:56.839 --> 0:06:00.080 college parties, boys would grab my friends and start danced 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:03.240 with them, and I would stay for a while, dancing 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:05.680 alongside them like I was part of the good time. 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:09.240 But eventually I'd walk away. It was weird for me 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:12.760 to keep standing there smiling blankly at the wall while 0:06:12.800 --> 0:06:16.480 they were making out. By now, I'm in my thirties 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:19.880 and I actually do have a boyfriend. Sam and I 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:23.920 have been together for four years. We live together, We've 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:26.880 taken trips, know each other's moms, list each other on 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:31.599 emergency contact forms, and yet still I can't shake this 0:06:31.680 --> 0:06:34.560 feeling that I'm behind, that there's something wrong with me, 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:37.920 that I started too late, and now I can never 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:42.440 catch up. Sometimes Sam tells me stories about the girls 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:44.680 he used to hook up with, or about his high 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:47.800 school girlfriend, or the girlfriend he lived with before he 0:06:47.839 --> 0:06:50.520 lived with me. I know that he's not trying to 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:53.200 get back together with any of these people. I know 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:57.080 he has invested in our relationship as I am. Still, 0:06:57.600 --> 0:07:00.760 when he tells these stories, I feel so inadequate that 0:07:00.839 --> 0:07:04.000 I want to cry. A couple times I have cried, 0:07:04.360 --> 0:07:07.520 and he's been confused, and suddenly we're in an argument 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:09.920 because I don't know how to explain why I'm crying. 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:14.200 I want charming stories like that one of rhapsodizes about 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:18.680 my past of young love and mutual discovery. Instead, my 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:21.400 past is a wall I smiled at, and the only 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:24.240 stories I have about people I've hooked up with are 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:34.640 vaguely unsettling to repeat. I liked leife at a time 0:07:34.760 --> 0:07:37.880 before all that, back when it still felt like romance 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:40.800 might happen for me, like any interaction could be the 0:07:40.800 --> 0:07:44.320 start of a love story for the ages. One time 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:47.200 I brought Whole Food sushi for lunch and felt self 0:07:47.240 --> 0:07:50.320 conscious because I'd seen the Breakfast Club in which Molly 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.800 Ringwald is mocked for bringing sushi for lunch. But Leif 0:07:53.880 --> 0:07:56.360 walked by my table and said, is that sushi? And 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:58.600 I said yes, and he said, I love sushi, and 0:07:58.680 --> 0:08:00.720 I said, would you like a piece? He said really, 0:08:00.720 --> 0:08:02.960 and I said yes, And suddenly I was proud to 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:06.800 have a lunch of whole food sushi. Laife talked constantly 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:09.960 about a band called Billy Talent, a semi yelly alt 0:08:10.080 --> 0:08:14.080 rock group with lyrics about misery. I started listening to 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:16.920 them because I knew Leafe liked them, and from there 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:21.040 became an obsessive fan myself. Once I ran into Laife 0:08:21.080 --> 0:08:24.160 at a Billy Talent concert, I pretended not to see 0:08:24.240 --> 0:08:26.240 him because I didn't want him to think that I'd 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:29.120 followed him there, But he came over and said hi 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:32.800 to me. There were little moments where it almost seemed 0:08:32.800 --> 0:08:35.760 like he could be flirting with me. We followed each 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:38.680 other on the blogging site zanga, and for a while 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:41.280 there was some sort of glitch where Laife was unable 0:08:41.320 --> 0:08:44.480 to comment on my page. When the glitch was fixed, 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:47.240 he was so excited that he left me one hundred 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:51.120 comments in a row. Comment forty two said on the 0:08:51.160 --> 0:08:54.719 forty second day of Christmas, I gave to Kaylee one 0:08:54.800 --> 0:09:04.160 hundred comments, lots of typing and a pear tree. I 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:07.320 still have a journal from that time. In it I'd 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:11.040 write Laife all these vague letters. It is humiliating to 0:09:11.040 --> 0:09:13.800 read these letters now, to the point where I refuse 0:09:13.880 --> 0:09:17.000 to quote them here. Suffice it to say that I 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:22.120 constantly referred to him as dearest. Surrounding the letters are 0:09:22.200 --> 0:09:25.840 my thoughts about myself, mostly how I wished I were 0:09:25.880 --> 0:09:31.599 a different person, entirely, someone charismatic and sought after. Sometimes 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:34.120 I'd have this huge swell of self hatred that I 0:09:34.120 --> 0:09:36.920 didn't know what to do with. Once I tried to 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:39.840 caught myself, but the kitchen knife I chose was not 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:42.520 very sharp, and so it was harder than I thought 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:45.880 it would be, and I gave up. When I find 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:48.760 someone who wants to date me, I thought this feeling 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:53.160 will go away. I hoped that Liafe might be that someone. 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:56.640 I'd talked long fantasies about how we'd get together, And 0:09:56.720 --> 0:09:59.120 sometimes I'd realize what a good mood I was in, 0:09:59.440 --> 0:10:01.680 and then I'd realized the good mood was because of 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:05.240 something I'd made up, something that hadn't really happened at all. 0:10:12.280 --> 0:10:16.160 In the winter of eighth grade, I finally decided enough 0:10:16.200 --> 0:10:19.480 with the secret pining. It was time to let Laife 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:24.240 know how I felt. And so I took action, and 0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:27.240 by took action, I mean that I delegated action to 0:10:27.400 --> 0:10:30.520 other people. There was a stairway right next to our 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:33.679 classroom that was just a single flight and closed by 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:36.920 doors on each side. It was in this room of 0:10:37.000 --> 0:10:40.720 stairs that my friends Lucia and Emily cornered Leaf and 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:43.160 told him that I liked him while I ran home 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:47.679 and hid. Afterwards, I asked them what he said. They 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:52.280 told me he said okay. That night, in a fit 0:10:52.320 --> 0:10:56.559 of panic and despair, I got online. I logged onto 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:59.679 Zanga and I wrote a veiled, angsty post about what 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:03.319 he huge mistake I'd made. Laife saw the post as 0:11:03.360 --> 0:11:05.720 I knew he would, and he I amed my friend 0:11:05.800 --> 0:11:09.960 Karina about it. And here is where something amazing happened, 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:14.600 because in this conversation with Karina, Laife said he would 0:11:14.640 --> 0:11:18.120 date me. He said he thought I was cool. He 0:11:18.240 --> 0:11:23.199 was going to ask me out on Valentine's Day. Seeing 0:11:23.240 --> 0:11:25.840 couples perform how much they liked each other made me 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:29.960 feel inferior. So I hated Valentine's Day with a showy passion. 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:34.000 Each February fourteenth, I'd wear all black as a sign 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:38.319 of protest. Laife's thought was that this romantic gesture might 0:11:38.360 --> 0:11:41.520 help me to reclaim the holiday. I know all this 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:45.120 because at the time, Karina promptly copy and pasted the 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:48.440 ims with Life into an email for me. I couldn't 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:52.520 believe what I was reading. I was so happy. Finally, 0:11:52.600 --> 0:11:56.320 I thought, finally, the thing that only happens to other people, 0:11:56.880 --> 0:12:06.200 it's now happening to me. On Valentine's Day, I got 0:12:06.280 --> 0:12:09.480 up and my mom drove me to school. People were 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:13.359 giving out candy and paper hearts. I tried to look nonchalant. 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:18.559 I went to science class, I went to lunch, to recess, 0:12:19.200 --> 0:12:24.280 to math, to basketball, and then school was over and 0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:27.880 I went home. Laife did not say a single word 0:12:27.880 --> 0:12:31.520 to me all day. I have no idea what happened 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:33.440 or why he changed his mind. 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:37.760 Huh did you ever talk to him about it? 0:12:38.640 --> 0:12:41.960 I rehash all this on the phone with Lucia. Never 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:46.200 did we speak directly about it, like we spoke through 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:50.000 you and Emily, through Karina on IM and like through 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:55.679 my veiled Zanga posts. Interesting and having been my best 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:59.040 friend for all these years, Lucia into It's what I'm 0:12:59.040 --> 0:12:59.680 building up to. 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:04.480 So you want to try to find him more. 0:13:04.800 --> 0:13:08.040 Yeah, but I'm afraid I tried a drafting a letter, 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:12.680 and I was like, do I just sound into same anyway? 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:14.720 So do you think this is completely insane to do? 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:17.560 No? I mean, I'm sure you wrote. 0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:21.520 You're a very good writer and a thoughtful person, so 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:22.319 I'm sure. 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:24.280 The way you approached it was good. 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:28.640 Since googling Life had always failed me, I turned to 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:32.160 a public records database that I get through work. I 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:35.079 was hoping to discover a possible mailing address for Life, 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:38.520 and I did looks like maybe he lives in Arizona. 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.520 And I saw he had like a from twenty twenty 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:45.160 court thing from defacing a political sign. 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:50.000 Well, I guess you don't know which direction. 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:54.680 I know it's a good direction. I want to talk 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:57.679 to Life directly, the way I never did back then. 0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:00.200 I want to know what he really thought of me, 0:14:00.880 --> 0:14:03.920 and why he never asked me out on Valentine's Day. 0:14:05.160 --> 0:14:08.880 All these years, I've believed this story about how people 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:12.200 don't see me romantically. But if I can change the 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:15.400 beginning of that story, if I can see myself differently 0:14:15.440 --> 0:14:20.720 at thirteen, it could reframe everything that came after I 0:14:20.880 --> 0:14:22.360 name dropped you in the letter. 0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:24.680 Dropped me because I'm so well known. 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:27.360 Well, I was like, we used to live together, but 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:29.880 now we both live with our boyfriend, so that he 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:32.800 wouldn't think I was like trying to date him now 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:36.480 high life. I wrote in my letter, I don't know 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:39.040 if you remember me, but we went to near North together. 0:14:39.600 --> 0:14:41.760 I had a huge crush on you, and I was 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:43.960 hoping you'd be up to talk to me about what 0:14:44.040 --> 0:14:47.120 you remember from that time. I hang up the phone 0:14:47.160 --> 0:15:05.240 with Lucia and I walked to the mailbox. I send 0:15:05.280 --> 0:15:08.480 off my letter, but then several weeks to go by 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:12.280 and nothing. Did Liife get the letter and decide to 0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:15.520 ignore me? Or do I just have the wrong address 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:20.440 usually when reporting a story. I tried calling at this point, 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:23.760 and I did find a phone number for Laife. However, 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:26.840 the idea of dialing it makes me want to lie 0:15:26.880 --> 0:15:30.040 down in the middle of the street and simply pass away. 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:34.400 And so, just like I did at thirteen, I recruit 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:35.840 someone else as an envoy. 0:15:36.440 --> 0:15:37.920 And who is it? Someone else? 0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:38.560 You? 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:39.920 Oh, yeah, it's you. 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:44.000 Okay, So I'm sort of like that whole quorum of 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:46.320 girls all in one adult man. 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:50.920 This is a regular host of this program, Jonathan Goldstein. 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.040 I want him to call Laife on my behalf to 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:56.200 see if Laife got the letter. I would be open 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:57.760 to speaking with me. Yeah. 0:15:57.840 --> 0:15:59.840 No, I don't think that'll be awkward at all. Let 0:15:59.840 --> 0:16:03.640 me get my pattern down here. Hi, there was this girl. 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:04.880 Her name was Khaleila Hole. 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:06.960 You should say Kaylee first. I think you would know 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:07.600 me by Kaylee. 0:16:08.200 --> 0:16:10.520 Hi, I'm Kaylee Holt's boss. 0:16:12.440 --> 0:16:14.520 What do you say like that? It is really weird. 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:15.280 That is weird. 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:19.280 No, Hi, you don't know me, but I was enlisted 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:21.760 by an old school chum of yours. 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:24.240 Oh, don't say school. 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:25.800 An old flame, a paramore. 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:29.200 My confidence is decreasing with every passing second. 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:33.560 I want embarrass you in front of your crush. 0:16:33.600 --> 0:16:34.240 Are you joking? 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:35.640 Choking on this bon bon? 0:16:36.520 --> 0:16:39.600 As my boss asphyxiates on a piece of candy. I 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:42.800 weigh the pros and cons of just making the call myself, 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:45.840 But in the end I make the same choice I 0:16:45.840 --> 0:16:49.000 did back then, better to send an incompetent in my 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:59.360 stead while I hide at home. I obsess all day Thursday. 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:03.560 I obsessed all day Friday. Jonathan doesn't offer me a 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:06.920 single update. I can't even tell if he's made the call. 0:17:07.040 --> 0:17:10.639 Yet then the weekend begins and I still have no 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:15.080 idea what he's done. Okay, but whatever you did do 0:17:15.240 --> 0:17:19.800 it worked because Friday night checked my email and I 0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:22.240 had an email from Leife saying that he would talk 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:22.480 to me. 0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:28.440 Wow. 0:17:28.640 --> 0:17:34.000 Okay, well, let me just say I am almost one 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:36.600 hundred percent certain that I had nothing to do with that. 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:39.400 Well really, because it happened that day. 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:41.360 Yeah, it is suggestive. 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:45.960 Jonathan tells me that he had indeed tried calling Leafe's number. 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:47.800 Okay, here's the call. 0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:48.760 You ready? Okay? 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:55.960 Yeah, okay, Hello, is Leaf there? 0:17:57.240 --> 0:17:57.680 Yes? 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:00.680 Could I speak to him? 0:18:00.760 --> 0:18:01.000 Yes? 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:10.480 This is her, This is Lafe. Yes, I just want 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:12.600 to make sure I have the right person. What is 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:13.359 your middle name? 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:18.680 Doodles? 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:23.920 No, No, that isn't. That isn't the life that I'm 0:18:23.960 --> 0:18:24.480 looking for. 0:18:26.359 --> 0:18:27.840 I'm on a toilet right though. 0:18:30.320 --> 0:18:32.399 Okay, is there anybody else in the house? 0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:44.399 In his email, Lafe proposed let me talk in nine days, 0:18:45.119 --> 0:18:48.879 which is kind of a weirdly long time. I can't 0:18:48.880 --> 0:18:51.520 help but worry that he'll bail last minute. But this 0:18:51.560 --> 0:18:55.040 will be just like Valentine's Day all over again. So 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:58.480 in the meantime, hoping she might remember some clue about 0:18:58.480 --> 0:19:01.920 what happened. Back then, I text my old friend Karina, 0:19:02.520 --> 0:19:05.040 the one who broke her this whole Valentine's plan with 0:19:05.119 --> 0:19:08.680 life on I am when you texted me that it 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:09.120 was you. 0:19:09.560 --> 0:19:13.000 I was like, oh my gosh, like, did something. 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:16.240 Happen she calling me to say that miss Bergen died, 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:20.840 miss Bergen being our longtime principal, which. 0:19:20.600 --> 0:19:22.720 She did, by the way, he didn't I didn't hear that. 0:19:23.040 --> 0:19:31.760 Yeah, may she. I felt deranged, texting Karina that I 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:34.720 wanted to speak with her about life a random kid 0:19:34.760 --> 0:19:39.119 from her eighth grade class. But Karina responded, I legitimately 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:42.399 thought about you in life last week. So, just like 0:19:42.440 --> 0:19:44.959 we used to in junior high, the two of us 0:19:45.040 --> 0:19:48.280 chat on the phone about a boy and then he I, 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:50.240 am you shut up? 0:19:50.320 --> 0:19:52.159 Did I send you the conversation? 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:59.880 Yes? So then I and buried. In an old AOL account, 0:20:00.520 --> 0:20:03.760 I find that email from Karina with the whole conversation 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:06.080 between her and Life laid out. 0:20:06.560 --> 0:20:08.520 I would like, absolutely love to see it. 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:10.160 Let me send it to you. I will just life 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:14.399 screen name was Chaotic Detortion, which I think is just 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:16.359 chaotic distortion spelled wrong. 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:19.439 Okay, let me read this okay at ten seventeen PM. 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:24.160 Nice and as Karina reads, here for you, Dear listener 0:20:24.600 --> 0:20:27.919 is a dramatic recreation of that I Am exchange, with 0:20:28.040 --> 0:20:32.640 two young actors playing the roles of Karina and Life. 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:40.080 Hey, Hey, Life, what's up? Kayley's talking about what I think? 0:20:40.119 --> 0:20:40.439 She is? 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:47.480 Right on? Zanga, hold on? Let me see Kaylee likes me, right, 0:20:48.480 --> 0:20:52.520 Did Lucia and Emily tell you something? Yeah? After school 0:20:52.520 --> 0:20:57.040 the other day. Yeah, she does well. If she comes on, 0:20:57.440 --> 0:20:58.439 will you tell her something? 0:20:59.440 --> 0:21:00.400 Yeah? 0:21:00.840 --> 0:21:03.160 If she comes on, tell her that I'll go out 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:03.520 with her. 0:21:03.880 --> 0:21:06.000 But my health is always screwed with my life, so 0:21:06.080 --> 0:21:07.560 I'm probably not going to be able to be one 0:21:07.640 --> 0:21:08.720 hundred percent boyfriend. 0:21:08.720 --> 0:21:14.400 Material Laife had some sort of illness the whole time 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:16.720 I knew him, but I never knew how sick he 0:21:16.880 --> 0:21:20.400 was or what he was even sick with. He sometimes 0:21:20.400 --> 0:21:23.240 had to leave school early, he was on crutches for 0:21:23.280 --> 0:21:26.840 a while, and there were days when he just looked frail. 0:21:27.000 --> 0:21:30.200 But at thirteen, we didn't think to ask any questions. 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:33.800 Back then, Karina just thought it was sweet he was 0:21:33.840 --> 0:21:37.200 considering his health in his role as my future boyfriend. 0:21:38.920 --> 0:21:43.560 All but do you like her? This is kind of awkward. 0:21:45.520 --> 0:21:52.920 Yeah, all these years later and that, yeah, I makes 0:21:53.000 --> 0:21:56.960 my heart start pounding. I was wrong, I think see 0:21:57.040 --> 0:22:01.040 I was wrong. He liked me, he said he liked me. 0:22:02.280 --> 0:22:07.120 But then it goes on. 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:10.040 Ohmg, don't tell her. I'm not crazy about her, but hey, 0:22:10.480 --> 0:22:18.840 she likes me. I don't hate her or anything. And kaylee'school, 0:22:19.600 --> 0:22:20.280 Yeah she is. 0:22:21.280 --> 0:22:22.960 So you want me to tell her that you'll go 0:22:23.040 --> 0:22:23.480 out with her? 0:22:23.600 --> 0:22:25.080 Why don't you just talk to her on Monday? 0:22:26.000 --> 0:22:26.879 Do you think I should? 0:22:27.440 --> 0:22:27.680 Yeah? 0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:29.560 Because I mean I don't think she would believe me, 0:22:30.320 --> 0:22:31.840 and it would be nicer if you told her. 0:22:32.520 --> 0:22:33.920 Are you getting her something on V Day? 0:22:34.800 --> 0:22:37.480 I guess when is Valentine's Day? 0:22:38.200 --> 0:22:38.480 Next? 0:22:38.560 --> 0:22:39.240 Next Tuesday? 0:22:40.320 --> 0:22:43.080 Ohmg, you should tell her on V Day because she 0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:43.760 hates V Day? 0:22:44.760 --> 0:22:46.880 WHOA, yeah, oh will. 0:22:48.320 --> 0:22:50.240 I always thought it was Lafe who came up with 0:22:50.280 --> 0:22:54.639 the Valentine's Day plan, but it was actually Karina. It 0:22:54.680 --> 0:22:58.080 wasn't a romantic gesture at all. It was the gesture 0:22:58.240 --> 0:23:02.359 of a thoughtful friend. But I don't remember anything after that. 0:23:02.440 --> 0:23:03.880 I didn't even remember that. 0:23:04.480 --> 0:23:08.520 He didn't end up saying anything, like he didn't end 0:23:08.560 --> 0:23:09.439 up saying anything to you. 0:23:09.520 --> 0:23:11.840 At all, No, we never talked about it. 0:23:13.720 --> 0:23:15.600 No, Kaylee, he did. 0:23:16.560 --> 0:23:21.919 I'm pretty sure he mentioned his health again. 0:23:23.560 --> 0:23:25.119 Maybe I like followed. 0:23:24.840 --> 0:23:27.399 Up and he was like, honestly, my health just like 0:23:27.480 --> 0:23:28.600