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Speaker 1: Khalila. Yeah, hi 's Jonathan.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I called you.

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Speaker 3: So you're hosting the show. Yeah, it's a personal story.

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Speaker 2: Indeed. Yeah, it's kind of like an oral report that

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Speaker 2: you're condescending.

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Speaker 3: Well, I mean it's a report given by the mouth.

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Speaker 2: I mean sure, by that metric, all your episodes are

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Speaker 2: or all reports. So well, yeah, it doesn't feel so good,

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Speaker 2: it doesn't.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't.

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Speaker 4: Here we go an oral.

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Speaker 5: Report given by Khalila Holt.

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Speaker 3: All right, put your name at the top of the

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Speaker 3: oral report.

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Speaker 2: How do you pay your name at the top of

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Speaker 2: an oral report?

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Speaker 5: You say it.

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Speaker 2: I'm Khalila Holt and this is have You eight today's

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Speaker 2: episode Lathe right after the break, I'm walking to work

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Speaker 2: one morning when I spot Laife heading towards me. From

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Speaker 2: the ages of twelve to fourteen, life was my crush,

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Speaker 2: the object of my junior high obsession. I still google

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Speaker 2: him occasionally, but he's completely absent from the internet. I

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Speaker 2: have no idea what became of him. It's like he

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Speaker 2: just disappeared. So when I see him on the street,

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Speaker 2: I feel my heart speed up. I wonder if I

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Speaker 2: should say hi. I wonder if I say hi in

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Speaker 2: what tone I should go life, life, Oh Liafe. But

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Speaker 2: then as I dropped closer, I realized that the man

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Speaker 2: I thought was life is not life at all, and

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Speaker 2: in fact, it is not even a man. He's a teenager.

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Speaker 2: This makes sense give that I've not seen Laife since

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Speaker 2: I was fourteen years old. Still having your heart speed

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Speaker 2: up at the sight of a teenager is a sure

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Speaker 2: way to feel like a creep. And just like that,

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Speaker 2: to quote Carrie Bradshaw, Lefe is back on my mind

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Speaker 2: all these years later, and I remember the exact type

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Speaker 2: of pen laf Ro with. I remember his birthday. I

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Speaker 2: remember how he kept his wallet on a long chain

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Speaker 2: the first time I'd ever seen such a thing done,

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Speaker 2: and wore a quicksilver sweatshirt with holes worn through the

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Speaker 2: sleeves that he'd stick his thumbs through. He was pale,

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Speaker 2: with blue eyes, short and slight.

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Speaker 1: I remember him being kind of like wayfish, almost like

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Speaker 1: kind of almost like a furial.

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Speaker 2: Crushes do not exist in a vacuum. They require gleeful

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Speaker 2: gossip with your friends. And so I call Echia, who's

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Speaker 2: been my best friend since elementary school, to talk about

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Speaker 2: our old classmate Laife.

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Speaker 1: He had this like light blonde hair that he died

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Speaker 1: and was a long like down to her, but hair

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Speaker 1: long like like a bobbling but like shag.

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Speaker 2: Then yeah, there go the men's bob. Once, while away

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Speaker 2: on a school sponsored trip, we phoned Leife from our

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Speaker 2: hotel room, me, Lucia, and our other friend, Emily. But

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Speaker 2: three of us huddled together on the scratchy Marriotte comforter,

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Speaker 2: stifling our giddiness as we dialed. My God, I don't

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Speaker 2: remember if we actually talked to the thing I remember

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Speaker 2: is that we called. We talked to his mom. Our

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Speaker 2: friend Emily asked if she could speak with Laife. It's Emily,

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Speaker 2: she said. Emily said, Leife's mom, go upstairs and talk

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Speaker 2: to him. Then she hung up on us. Turned out

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Speaker 2: he had a sister named Emily.

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Speaker 1: So weird.

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Speaker 2: Lucia's stepmom was a photographer, and she once mentioned that

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Speaker 2: if Leife and I ever started dating, she wanted to

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Speaker 2: take our portrait. I don't think she knew I had

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Speaker 2: a crush on him. Laife was just so short and

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Speaker 2: I was so tall that I think she found the

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Speaker 2: idea of us as a couple funny. I was already

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Speaker 2: six feet tall by the end of eighth grade. I

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Speaker 2: got pressured into playing basketball, but I was so meek

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Speaker 2: that I usually just stood there while some terrifying girl

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Speaker 2: shoved by me with the ball. I don't like to

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Speaker 2: look at pictures of myself from that time, standing next

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Speaker 2: to other kids my age. I look like the teacher

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Speaker 2: or like someone's off putting sister home from college. None

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Speaker 2: of my pants fit correctly. My socks were always pulled

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Speaker 2: up too high. I used to listen to the song

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Speaker 2: eleanor Rigby and panic. In my interpretation, it was a

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Speaker 2: song about how no one wanted to date poor old

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Speaker 2: eleanor Rigby, just like no one wanted to date me.

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Speaker 2: When I was thirteen. One day I was sitting by

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Speaker 2: the gym after school with my friend Desiree, when she

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Speaker 2: told me, I picture you getting a boyfriend in college.

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Speaker 2: She laid out this whole hypothetical where me and my

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Speaker 2: future boyfriend reached for the same book at the library.

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Speaker 2: At the time. I was offended college. Other girls at

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Speaker 2: my school, desire included, already had boyfriends the middle school

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Speaker 2: version of a boyfriend where you were afraid to touch

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Speaker 2: each other and broke up after a week. But still

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Speaker 2: I had to wait till college. But as it turned

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Speaker 2: out I did not get a boyfriend before college, nor

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Speaker 2: in college, nor even for several years after college, and

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Speaker 2: so I concluded the problem was not my circumstances. The

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Speaker 2: problem was me. I was not datable. After meeting me

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Speaker 2: for the first time, people might say, oh, she was funny,

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Speaker 2: but they'd never say, is she single. I was simply

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Speaker 2: not a person that anyone could think of romantically. At

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Speaker 2: college parties, boys would grab my friends and start danced

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Speaker 2: with them, and I would stay for a while, dancing

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Speaker 2: alongside them like I was part of the good time.

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Speaker 2: But eventually I'd walk away. It was weird for me

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Speaker 2: to keep standing there smiling blankly at the wall while

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Speaker 2: they were making out. By now, I'm in my thirties

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Speaker 2: and I actually do have a boyfriend. Sam and I

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Speaker 2: have been together for four years. We live together, We've

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Speaker 2: taken trips, know each other's moms, list each other on

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Speaker 2: emergency contact forms, and yet still I can't shake this

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Speaker 2: feeling that I'm behind, that there's something wrong with me,

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Speaker 2: that I started too late, and now I can never

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Speaker 2: catch up. Sometimes Sam tells me stories about the girls

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Speaker 2: he used to hook up with, or about his high

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Speaker 2: school girlfriend, or the girlfriend he lived with before he

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Speaker 2: lived with me. I know that he's not trying to

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Speaker 2: get back together with any of these people. I know

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Speaker 2: he has invested in our relationship as I am. Still,

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Speaker 2: when he tells these stories, I feel so inadequate that

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Speaker 2: I want to cry. A couple times I have cried,

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Speaker 2: and he's been confused, and suddenly we're in an argument

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Speaker 2: because I don't know how to explain why I'm crying.

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Speaker 2: I want charming stories like that one of rhapsodizes about

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Speaker 2: my past of young love and mutual discovery. Instead, my

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Speaker 2: past is a wall I smiled at, and the only

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Speaker 2: stories I have about people I've hooked up with are

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Speaker 2: vaguely unsettling to repeat. I liked leife at a time

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Speaker 2: before all that, back when it still felt like romance

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Speaker 2: might happen for me, like any interaction could be the

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Speaker 2: start of a love story for the ages. One time

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Speaker 2: I brought Whole Food sushi for lunch and felt self

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Speaker 2: conscious because I'd seen the Breakfast Club in which Molly

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Speaker 2: Ringwald is mocked for bringing sushi for lunch. But Leif

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Speaker 2: walked by my table and said, is that sushi? And

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Speaker 2: I said yes, and he said, I love sushi, and

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Speaker 2: I said, would you like a piece? He said really,

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Speaker 2: and I said yes, And suddenly I was proud to

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Speaker 2: have a lunch of whole food sushi. Laife talked constantly

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Speaker 2: about a band called Billy Talent, a semi yelly alt

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Speaker 2: rock group with lyrics about misery. I started listening to

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Speaker 2: them because I knew Leafe liked them, and from there

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Speaker 2: became an obsessive fan myself. Once I ran into Laife

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Speaker 2: at a Billy Talent concert, I pretended not to see

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Speaker 2: him because I didn't want him to think that I'd

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Speaker 2: followed him there, But he came over and said hi

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Speaker 2: to me. There were little moments where it almost seemed

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Speaker 2: like he could be flirting with me. We followed each

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Speaker 2: other on the blogging site zanga, and for a while

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Speaker 2: there was some sort of glitch where Laife was unable

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Speaker 2: to comment on my page. When the glitch was fixed,

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Speaker 2: he was so excited that he left me one hundred

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Speaker 2: comments in a row. Comment forty two said on the

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Speaker 2: forty second day of Christmas, I gave to Kaylee one

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Speaker 2: hundred comments, lots of typing and a pear tree. I

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Speaker 2: still have a journal from that time. In it I'd

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Speaker 2: write Laife all these vague letters. It is humiliating to

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Speaker 2: read these letters now, to the point where I refuse

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Speaker 2: to quote them here. Suffice it to say that I

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Speaker 2: constantly referred to him as dearest. Surrounding the letters are

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Speaker 2: my thoughts about myself, mostly how I wished I were

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Speaker 2: a different person, entirely, someone charismatic and sought after. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: I'd have this huge swell of self hatred that I

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Speaker 2: didn't know what to do with. Once I tried to

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Speaker 2: caught myself, but the kitchen knife I chose was not

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Speaker 2: very sharp, and so it was harder than I thought

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Speaker 2: it would be, and I gave up. When I find

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Speaker 2: someone who wants to date me, I thought this feeling

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Speaker 2: will go away. I hoped that Liafe might be that someone.

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Speaker 2: I'd talked long fantasies about how we'd get together, And

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Speaker 2: sometimes I'd realize what a good mood I was in,

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Speaker 2: and then I'd realized the good mood was because of

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Speaker 2: something I'd made up, something that hadn't really happened at all.

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Speaker 2: In the winter of eighth grade, I finally decided enough

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Speaker 2: with the secret pining. It was time to let Laife

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Speaker 2: know how I felt. And so I took action, and

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Speaker 2: by took action, I mean that I delegated action to

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Speaker 2: other people. There was a stairway right next to our

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Speaker 2: classroom that was just a single flight and closed by

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Speaker 2: doors on each side. It was in this room of

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Speaker 2: stairs that my friends Lucia and Emily cornered Leaf and

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Speaker 2: told him that I liked him while I ran home

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Speaker 2: and hid. Afterwards, I asked them what he said. They

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Speaker 2: told me he said okay. That night, in a fit

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Speaker 2: of panic and despair, I got online. I logged onto

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Speaker 2: Zanga and I wrote a veiled, angsty post about what

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Speaker 2: he huge mistake I'd made. Laife saw the post as

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Speaker 2: I knew he would, and he I amed my friend

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Speaker 2: Karina about it. And here is where something amazing happened,

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Speaker 2: because in this conversation with Karina, Laife said he would

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Speaker 2: date me. He said he thought I was cool. He

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Speaker 2: was going to ask me out on Valentine's Day. Seeing

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Speaker 2: couples perform how much they liked each other made me

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Speaker 2: feel inferior. So I hated Valentine's Day with a showy passion.

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Speaker 2: Each February fourteenth, I'd wear all black as a sign

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Speaker 2: of protest. Laife's thought was that this romantic gesture might

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Speaker 2: help me to reclaim the holiday. I know all this

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Speaker 2: because at the time, Karina promptly copy and pasted the

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Speaker 2: ims with Life into an email for me. I couldn't

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Speaker 2: believe what I was reading. I was so happy. Finally,

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Speaker 2: I thought, finally, the thing that only happens to other people,

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Speaker 2: it's now happening to me. On Valentine's Day, I got

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Speaker 2: up and my mom drove me to school. People were

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Speaker 2: giving out candy and paper hearts. I tried to look nonchalant.

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Speaker 2: I went to science class, I went to lunch, to recess,

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Speaker 2: to math, to basketball, and then school was over and

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Speaker 2: I went home. Laife did not say a single word

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Speaker 2: to me all day. I have no idea what happened

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Speaker 2: or why he changed his mind.

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Speaker 1: Huh did you ever talk to him about it?

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Speaker 2: I rehash all this on the phone with Lucia. Never

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Speaker 2: did we speak directly about it, like we spoke through

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Speaker 2: you and Emily, through Karina on IM and like through

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Speaker 2: my veiled Zanga posts. Interesting and having been my best

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Speaker 2: friend for all these years, Lucia into It's what I'm

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Speaker 2: building up to.

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Speaker 1: So you want to try to find him more.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm afraid I tried a drafting a letter,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, do I just sound into same anyway?

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Speaker 2: So do you think this is completely insane to do?

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Speaker 1: No? I mean, I'm sure you wrote.

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Speaker 4: You're a very good writer and a thoughtful person, so

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Speaker 4: I'm sure.

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Speaker 1: The way you approached it was good.

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Speaker 2: Since googling Life had always failed me, I turned to

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Speaker 2: a public records database that I get through work. I

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Speaker 2: was hoping to discover a possible mailing address for Life,

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Speaker 2: and I did looks like maybe he lives in Arizona.

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Speaker 2: And I saw he had like a from twenty twenty

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Speaker 2: court thing from defacing a political sign.

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Speaker 1: Well, I guess you don't know which direction.

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Speaker 2: I know it's a good direction. I want to talk

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Speaker 2: to Life directly, the way I never did back then.

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Speaker 2: I want to know what he really thought of me,

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Speaker 2: and why he never asked me out on Valentine's Day.

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Speaker 2: All these years, I've believed this story about how people

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Speaker 2: don't see me romantically. But if I can change the

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Speaker 2: beginning of that story, if I can see myself differently

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Speaker 2: at thirteen, it could reframe everything that came after I

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Speaker 2: name dropped you in the letter.

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Speaker 1: Dropped me because I'm so well known.

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Speaker 2: Well, I was like, we used to live together, but

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Speaker 2: now we both live with our boyfriend, so that he

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Speaker 2: wouldn't think I was like trying to date him now

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Speaker 2: high life. I wrote in my letter, I don't know

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Speaker 2: if you remember me, but we went to near North together.

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Speaker 2: I had a huge crush on you, and I was

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Speaker 2: hoping you'd be up to talk to me about what

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Speaker 2: you remember from that time. I hang up the phone

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Speaker 2: with Lucia and I walked to the mailbox. I send

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Speaker 2: off my letter, but then several weeks to go by

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Speaker 2: and nothing. Did Liife get the letter and decide to

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Speaker 2: ignore me? Or do I just have the wrong address

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Speaker 2: usually when reporting a story. I tried calling at this point,

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Speaker 2: and I did find a phone number for Laife. However,

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Speaker 2: the idea of dialing it makes me want to lie

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Speaker 2: down in the middle of the street and simply pass away.

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Speaker 2: And so, just like I did at thirteen, I recruit

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Speaker 2: someone else as an envoy.

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Speaker 3: And who is it? Someone else?

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Speaker 6: You?

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Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, it's you.

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Speaker 5: Okay, So I'm sort of like that whole quorum of

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Speaker 5: girls all in one adult man.

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Speaker 2: This is a regular host of this program, Jonathan Goldstein.

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Speaker 2: I want him to call Laife on my behalf to

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Speaker 2: see if Laife got the letter. I would be open

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Speaker 2: to speaking with me. Yeah.

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Speaker 5: No, I don't think that'll be awkward at all. Let

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Speaker 5: me get my pattern down here. Hi, there was this girl.

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Speaker 5: Her name was Khaleila Hole.

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Speaker 2: You should say Kaylee first. I think you would know

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Speaker 2: me by Kaylee.

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Speaker 3: Hi, I'm Kaylee Holt's boss.

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Speaker 2: What do you say like that? It is really weird.

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Speaker 3: That is weird.

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Speaker 5: No, Hi, you don't know me, but I was enlisted

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Speaker 5: by an old school chum of yours.

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Speaker 2: Oh, don't say school.

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Speaker 3: An old flame, a paramore.

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Speaker 2: My confidence is decreasing with every passing second.

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Speaker 5: I want embarrass you in front of your crush.

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Speaker 2: Are you joking?

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Speaker 3: Choking on this bon bon?

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Speaker 2: As my boss asphyxiates on a piece of candy. I

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Speaker 2: weigh the pros and cons of just making the call myself,

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Speaker 2: But in the end I make the same choice I

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Speaker 2: did back then, better to send an incompetent in my

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Speaker 2: stead while I hide at home. I obsess all day Thursday.

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Speaker 2: I obsessed all day Friday. Jonathan doesn't offer me a

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Speaker 2: single update. I can't even tell if he's made the call.

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Speaker 2: Yet then the weekend begins and I still have no

291
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:15,080
Speaker 2: idea what he's done. Okay, but whatever you did do

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Speaker 2: it worked because Friday night checked my email and I

293
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,240
Speaker 2: had an email from Leife saying that he would talk

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Speaker 2: to me.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 5: Okay, well, let me just say I am almost one

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Speaker 5: hundred percent certain that I had nothing to do with that.

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Speaker 2: Well really, because it happened that day.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it is suggestive.

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Speaker 2: Jonathan tells me that he had indeed tried calling Leafe's number.

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Speaker 3: Okay, here's the call.

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00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:48,760
Speaker 2: You ready? Okay?

303
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:55,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, Hello, is Leaf there?

304
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:57,680
Speaker 6: Yes?

305
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,680
Speaker 3: Could I speak to him?

306
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:01,000
Speaker 1: Yes?

307
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:10,480
Speaker 5: This is her, This is Lafe. Yes, I just want

308
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,600
Speaker 5: to make sure I have the right person. What is

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00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:13,359
Speaker 5: your middle name?

310
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Speaker 1: Doodles?

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Speaker 3: No, No, that isn't. That isn't the life that I'm

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Speaker 3: looking for.

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Speaker 1: I'm on a toilet right though.

314
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Speaker 3: Okay, is there anybody else in the house?

315
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Speaker 2: In his email, Lafe proposed let me talk in nine days,

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Speaker 2: which is kind of a weirdly long time. I can't

317
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Speaker 2: help but worry that he'll bail last minute. But this

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00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:55,040
Speaker 2: will be just like Valentine's Day all over again. So

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Speaker 2: in the meantime, hoping she might remember some clue about

320
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Speaker 2: what happened. Back then, I text my old friend Karina,

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Speaker 2: the one who broke her this whole Valentine's plan with

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Speaker 2: life on I am when you texted me that it

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Speaker 2: was you.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, like, did something.

325
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:16,240
Speaker 2: Happen she calling me to say that miss Bergen died,

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Speaker 2: miss Bergen being our longtime principal, which.

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Speaker 1: She did, by the way, he didn't I didn't hear that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, may she. I felt deranged, texting Karina that I

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00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,720
Speaker 2: wanted to speak with her about life a random kid

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Speaker 2: from her eighth grade class. But Karina responded, I legitimately

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00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,399
Speaker 2: thought about you in life last week. So, just like

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00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,959
Speaker 2: we used to in junior high, the two of us

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Speaker 2: chat on the phone about a boy and then he I,

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Speaker 2: am you shut up?

335
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,159
Speaker 1: Did I send you the conversation?

336
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:59,880
Speaker 2: Yes? So then I and buried. In an old AOL account,

337
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,760
Speaker 2: I find that email from Karina with the whole conversation

338
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,080
Speaker 2: between her and Life laid out.

339
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Speaker 1: I would like, absolutely love to see it.

340
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,160
Speaker 2: Let me send it to you. I will just life

341
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:14,399
Speaker 2: screen name was Chaotic Detortion, which I think is just

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00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,359
Speaker 2: chaotic distortion spelled wrong.

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Speaker 1: Okay, let me read this okay at ten seventeen PM.

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Speaker 2: Nice and as Karina reads, here for you, Dear listener

345
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,919
Speaker 2: is a dramatic recreation of that I Am exchange, with

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Speaker 2: two young actors playing the roles of Karina and Life.

347
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Speaker 7: Hey, Hey, Life, what's up? Kayley's talking about what I think?

348
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Speaker 2: She is?

349
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Speaker 7: Right on? Zanga, hold on? Let me see Kaylee likes me, right,

350
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:52,520
Speaker 7: Did Lucia and Emily tell you something? Yeah? After school

351
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:57,040
Speaker 7: the other day. Yeah, she does well. If she comes on,

352
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:58,439
Speaker 7: will you tell her something?

353
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:00,400
Speaker 1: Yeah?

354
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,160
Speaker 7: If she comes on, tell her that I'll go out

355
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Speaker 7: with her.

356
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,000
Speaker 8: But my health is always screwed with my life, so

357
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Speaker 8: I'm probably not going to be able to be one

358
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Speaker 8: hundred percent boyfriend.

359
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:14,400
Speaker 2: Material Laife had some sort of illness the whole time

360
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,720
Speaker 2: I knew him, but I never knew how sick he

361
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,400
Speaker 2: was or what he was even sick with. He sometimes

362
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,240
Speaker 2: had to leave school early, he was on crutches for

363
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Speaker 2: a while, and there were days when he just looked frail.

364
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,200
Speaker 2: But at thirteen, we didn't think to ask any questions.

365
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,800
Speaker 2: Back then, Karina just thought it was sweet he was

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Speaker 2: considering his health in his role as my future boyfriend.

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00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:43,560
Speaker 7: All but do you like her? This is kind of awkward.

368
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:52,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, all these years later and that, yeah, I makes

369
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,960
Speaker 2: my heart start pounding. I was wrong, I think see

370
00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:01,040
Speaker 2: I was wrong. He liked me, he said he liked me.

371
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:07,120
Speaker 2: But then it goes on.

372
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:10,040
Speaker 8: Ohmg, don't tell her. I'm not crazy about her, but hey,

373
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:18,840
Speaker 8: she likes me. I don't hate her or anything. And kaylee'school,

374
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:20,280
Speaker 8: Yeah she is.

375
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:22,960
Speaker 7: So you want me to tell her that you'll go

376
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:23,480
Speaker 7: out with her?

377
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 2: Why don't you just talk to her on Monday?

378
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:26,879
Speaker 7: Do you think I should?

379
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:27,680
Speaker 6: Yeah?

380
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,560
Speaker 9: Because I mean I don't think she would believe me,

381
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:31,840
Speaker 9: and it would be nicer if you told her.

382
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:33,920
Speaker 1: Are you getting her something on V Day?

383
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 7: I guess when is Valentine's Day?

384
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:38,480
Speaker 4: Next?

385
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:39,240
Speaker 7: Next Tuesday?

386
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 1: Ohmg, you should tell her on V Day because she

387
00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:43,760
Speaker 1: hates V Day?

388
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,880
Speaker 7: WHOA, yeah, oh will.

389
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,240
Speaker 2: I always thought it was Lafe who came up with

390
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:54,639
Speaker 2: the Valentine's Day plan, but it was actually Karina. It

391
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,080
Speaker 2: wasn't a romantic gesture at all. It was the gesture

392
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:02,359
Speaker 2: of a thoughtful friend. But I don't remember anything after that.

393
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:03,880
Speaker 1: I didn't even remember that.

394
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 9: He didn't end up saying anything, like he didn't end

395
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:09,439
Speaker 9: up saying anything to you.

396
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,840
Speaker 2: At all, No, we never talked about it.

397
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 1: No, Kaylee, he did.

398
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:21,919
Speaker 9: I'm pretty sure he mentioned his health again.

399
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,119
Speaker 1: Maybe I like followed.

400
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,399
Speaker 9: Up and he was like, honestly, my health just like

401
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:28,600
Speaker 9: really isn't the best.

402
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,320
Speaker 2: So did life not ask me out simply because he

403
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:36,840
Speaker 2: was too ill? Was his not asking actually a romantic gesture,

404
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:41,119
Speaker 2: something worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy, or did he just

405
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:49,360
Speaker 2: not like me? I'd asked slave to talk on zoom

406
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,600
Speaker 2: and I pray I won't break out or have a

407
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:54,600
Speaker 2: bad hair day, because you know, I want to look good.

408
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 2: The morning of I put on an eyeshadow that someone

409
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,399
Speaker 2: once told me was flattering, and wear a T shirt

410
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,239
Speaker 2: for my favorite band because I figure it's cool to

411
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:08,280
Speaker 2: like music. Then I head to the studio and test

412
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:16,359
Speaker 2: the microphone. Hello hello, all right, that's working. I feel ill.

413
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:24,640
Speaker 2: I feel physically ill. Oh my god, Okay, I can

414
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:41,840
Speaker 2: do this. Here we go on the zoom camera. You

415
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,760
Speaker 2: can't even see my T shirt or flattering eyeshadow. So

416
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,639
Speaker 2: that was a lot of wasted effort. I see that

417
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,520
Speaker 2: Leife is in the waiting room. I press the admit

418
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 2: button and he appears on screen.

419
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:54,040
Speaker 10: Hi.

420
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:55,760
Speaker 4: Hey.

421
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,919
Speaker 2: In spite of his deeper voice and tattoos. Life seems

422
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 2: the same, like there's no discrepancy between the person I

423
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 2: imagined all these years and the one I'm actually looking at.

424
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:10,480
Speaker 2: How are you.

425
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,520
Speaker 11: I'm great, I'm doing great. How are you doing?

426
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:20,000
Speaker 2: I'm doing you know. Unfortunately, faced with the person I imagined

427
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,679
Speaker 2: all these years, I suddenly can't remember how to have

428
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:30,760
Speaker 2: a conversation. It's like I've lost twenty years of social skills.

429
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,760
Speaker 2: What what's your life?

430
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:35,600
Speaker 8: My life?

431
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 11: Well, I yeah, I don't know. I just do uh

432
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:45,159
Speaker 11: life things. You know, eat food, go to the grocery store.

433
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 11: I've got a dog. You know, what's your dog?

434
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 3: Like?

435
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 2: What's your dog's name? Ronan good. Given that I'm incapable

436
00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:01,159
Speaker 2: of asking any question more specific than what is your life?

437
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,240
Speaker 2: Or who is your dog? Life takes the lead.

438
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 11: They've been doing like a lot of activisty stuff in Tucson,

439
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:12,959
Speaker 11: and that consumes more of my time than I probably

440
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:13,679
Speaker 11: should let it.

441
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,639
Speaker 2: In fact, the nine day delay Laye asked for was

442
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:21,359
Speaker 2: because of his activism. A few weeks earlier, he was

443
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,680
Speaker 2: at a protest with the Stop Coop City movement when

444
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,240
Speaker 2: he was tased and slammed against the ground by a

445
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 2: police officer, he's been recovering from a concussion. At this point,

446
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,640
Speaker 2: we're forty minutes into the conversation, and I've somehow managed

447
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:40,120
Speaker 2: to avoid asking Laife any questions about eighth grade at all,

448
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 2: even though he knows we're here to talk about how

449
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 2: much I liked him. Bringing up that time still makes

450
00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:51,520
Speaker 2: me nervous. What what do you remember about me?

451
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 11: Yeah? I uh, I remember you being very tall and

452
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,560
Speaker 11: maybe a little awkward, but maybe it's because of the

453
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:01,320
Speaker 11: crush or whatever.

454
00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:02,320
Speaker 2: No, I was awkward.

455
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 11: Yeah, yeah, Like I know that you told me at

456
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,520
Speaker 11: some point that you had a crush on me. I

457
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,240
Speaker 11: have like a vague memory of like there's like that

458
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:15,879
Speaker 11: stairwell Lucia telling me or something like that, like in

459
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:16,480
Speaker 11: the stairwell.

460
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:20,280
Speaker 2: Yeah. I ramble through my memories of what happened after

461
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 2: that stairwell moment, and finally up to the question that

462
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,720
Speaker 2: I really came here to ask you were going to

463
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 2: ask me out on Valentine's Day, but then that never

464
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,240
Speaker 2: happened and I don't know why.

465
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:42,920
Speaker 11: Oof, I'm sorry, Yeah, I don't remember. Like the Zanga

466
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,360
Speaker 11: post sounds vaguely familiar.

467
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 2: Can I send you because I, in fact have these

468
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:52,399
Speaker 2: ims between you and Karina? No way can I email

469
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:53,840
Speaker 2: them to you? Yeah?

470
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:57,560
Speaker 11: See what cringeyesque things I have to say?

471
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:02,679
Speaker 2: Leife mostly read through the ims and silence, but at

472
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:07,280
Speaker 2: one point he makes a face and again goes when

473
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 2: he's done, he laughed self consciously.

474
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 11: All right, Well that was that was That was fun?

475
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,359
Speaker 2: Do you you have no memory of this?

476
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 11: I don't know. Vaguely. I guess like it's obviously obviously

477
00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:23,880
Speaker 11: it happened.

478
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,159
Speaker 2: I mean, you would be weird if I typed all this, supen.

479
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,800
Speaker 11: Yeah, yeah, it'd be pretty weird.

480
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,040
Speaker 2: What part were you oofing?

481
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:31,200
Speaker 1: And?

482
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:32,920
Speaker 4: Oh?

483
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 11: Just I mean, don't tell her. I'm not crazy about her,

484
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,240
Speaker 11: but hey, she likes it was just like that.

485
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:40,720
Speaker 9: Yikes.

486
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,680
Speaker 11: I don't really know what happened. Obviously we didn't date.

487
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:53,120
Speaker 11: I don't I don't think totally forgotten.

488
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 2: I mean that would kind of be worse if we did.

489
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 2: Dan was gone from your memory.

490
00:28:58,840 --> 00:28:59,960
Speaker 11: Yeah, that'd be real shitty.

491
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:03,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean like seems like you did not like me.

492
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:10,280
Speaker 11: I do remember you being like very funny, but uh yeah,

493
00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 11: I do agree, though I think I like wasn't like

494
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 11: into you into.

495
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 2: You to use the eighth grade parlance, but then Lafe

496
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:27,120
Speaker 2: phrase is a key thing I've been wondering about the

497
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:30,440
Speaker 2: explanation that he gave to Karina At the time his

498
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:31,960
Speaker 2: mysterious health issues.

499
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:36,360
Speaker 11: I was like, very, very, very sick. I was like

500
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:40,200
Speaker 11: in the process essentially of getting diagnosed with Crohn's disease.

501
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 2: Crones is an autoimmune disease. Life's intestine was attacking itself,

502
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,840
Speaker 2: making it hard for him to do basic things like

503
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 2: walk or eat. In the years I knew him, though

504
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:55,360
Speaker 2: Laife didn't know he had CRONES. He didn't know what

505
00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 2: was wrong with him. He was just getting worse and worse.

506
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:03,400
Speaker 2: It took over two years of waiting rooms and misdiagnoses

507
00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:06,680
Speaker 2: before he finally got to a doctor who helped him.

508
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:09,920
Speaker 2: At that point, he was so sick that the doctor

509
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:12,640
Speaker 2: pulled his mom aside to say that she thought Laife

510
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 2: might die. They immediately admitted him to the hospital, where

511
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 2: he stayed for three months. I'm not a monster, so

512
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,520
Speaker 2: of course I'd never say that I'm happy someone was

513
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:32,480
Speaker 2: so ill they almost died. But hearing all this, I

514
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,640
Speaker 2: can't help but feel kind of relieved, because if Life

515
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,120
Speaker 2: was that sick the whole time I knew him, then

516
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:41,280
Speaker 2: it wasn't about me not being good enough. There probably

517
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,800
Speaker 2: just wasn't any space in his brain for dating and

518
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 2: crushes at all. So I put this to Liife.

519
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 11: I for sure had crushes.

520
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,040
Speaker 2: Well, there goes that theory. Can I ask you how

521
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:54,640
Speaker 2: to crush on?

522
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:59,800
Speaker 11: Yeah? Yeah, I know I had a crush on, So

523
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:02,200
Speaker 11: I was gonna.

524
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:05,120
Speaker 2: Ask you that. Actually, that's what I always suspected.

525
00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:06,640
Speaker 11: You got me figured out.

526
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,440
Speaker 2: Circa had shown up at our school one year from Ireland,

527
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 2: and all the guys instantly loved her. Somehow, in that

528
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 2: one year she dated three or four people. I, as

529
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:22,360
Speaker 2: someone who'd never dated anyone, found this profoundly unfair, Like

530
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:26,320
Speaker 2: what about the rest of us? In my moments of insecurity,

531
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,719
Speaker 2: I always used to think, there's no way Life likes me,

532
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,600
Speaker 2: because I'm pretty sure he likes Circa. So while on

533
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:36,400
Speaker 2: the one hand, it's validating to hear that my read

534
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:40,160
Speaker 2: was right, on the other hand, it's devastating to hear

535
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:42,960
Speaker 2: that my read was right. I move on to my

536
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,959
Speaker 2: next theory. Do you think that any of it was

537
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,400
Speaker 2: height related?

538
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 3: Uh?

539
00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:55,640
Speaker 11: I don't think so. I don't think so.

540
00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:58,760
Speaker 2: So what was my problem? I ask Laife? If I

541
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 2: had some defect that prevented him from seeing me romantically,

542
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:08,920
Speaker 2: and although he really thinks about it, he can't come

543
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 2: up with an answer.

544
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,760
Speaker 11: I'm just trying to think if like, there has ever

545
00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 11: been anyone where I like, I'd love to date this person,

546
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:17,200
Speaker 11: but they've got this defect, you know.

547
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 2: Who he falls for. Life says has always felt beyond words,

548
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:30,960
Speaker 2: especially in the eighth grade. Well, how do you feel

549
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:34,320
Speaker 2: about talking? Am I freaking you out? No?

550
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:37,959
Speaker 11: Not at all. Okay, it's fun to catch up and like,

551
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,760
Speaker 11: hear what you remember? It's really nice to talk to Yeah,

552
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 11: you too, killy, and talk to you soon, all right,

553
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:45,000
Speaker 11: talk to you soon.

554
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,560
Speaker 2: I'd felt good while I was talking to Life. He

555
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:57,280
Speaker 2: was cool and nice as he'd always been, And yet

556
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,880
Speaker 2: as soon as we hang up, I suddenly feel really sad.

557
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,720
Speaker 2: I sit there for a while alone in the studio,

558
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:09,920
Speaker 2: and then, as I always have in times of stress, Hello, honey,

559
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:14,160
Speaker 2: I call my mom. I filler in on the conversation

560
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 2: and how the only logical conclusion seems to be that yes,

561
00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:21,480
Speaker 2: I was right, I am, in fact undateable.

562
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,000
Speaker 4: Who wouldn't want to date you? You're awesome?

563
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:28,520
Speaker 2: Thanks, and I mean I know I'm your mother. But

564
00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:32,160
Speaker 2: that is also true. I feel like that's true in

565
00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:34,800
Speaker 2: terms of like people wanting to like be my friend,

566
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,640
Speaker 2: but I don't feel like that's true for like dating.

567
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 7: You feel it not just from when you were younger, but.

568
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:48,400
Speaker 2: You feel it even now. Yeah, that makes me feel.

569
00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:48,840
Speaker 4: Kind of sad.

570
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, don't be sorry.

571
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:56,880
Speaker 7: It makes me feel kind of sad, and it makes

572
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:57,720
Speaker 7: me feel.

573
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,680
Speaker 4: Mad at people that don't see you.

574
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:09,600
Speaker 2: I don't. Yeah, I think I'm having a hard time

575
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,440
Speaker 2: characterizing it because I do feel like weirdly emotional, but

576
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,399
Speaker 2: also like he was nice and the conversation was good,

577
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:16,880
Speaker 2: you know, So I don't want it to seem like

578
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 2: I thought he was like being an asshole or anything

579
00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:22,239
Speaker 2: like he wasn't. I don't hear that from you at all.

580
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:26,880
Speaker 2: I don't care anything about any judgment about him. Yeah.

581
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,879
Speaker 2: You trying to piece it together for you? Yeah, yeah,

582
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:41,200
Speaker 2: give yourself a little space. I give myself several weeks

583
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:44,479
Speaker 2: of space. And then as I keep trying to piece

584
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:47,799
Speaker 2: it together, I decide there's one more person I want

585
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,640
Speaker 2: to speak with. Very excited to talk to you. So

586
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,920
Speaker 2: thanks for being up to do this weird thing.

587
00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:56,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, it is weird, and I definitely feel weird

588
00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:57,319
Speaker 4: about it.

589
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:02,279
Speaker 2: This is Circa, the Irish girl that Lafe and the

590
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:06,520
Speaker 2: rest of the entire fucking class was into. Because in

591
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:08,840
Speaker 2: case it's not weird enough to reach out to my

592
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:12,479
Speaker 2: crush after nearly twenty years, why not also reach out

593
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:15,319
Speaker 2: to my crushes crush. I always suspected he had a

594
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:17,719
Speaker 2: crush on you, and he said, yes, did you know.

595
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:23,879
Speaker 4: That M like Jesus, Like he would like he would

596
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:25,800
Speaker 4: like burn CDs for me and stuff.

597
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,360
Speaker 1: She knows I feel like.

598
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:32,920
Speaker 4: He also gave me a sticker that said George W.

599
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:34,919
Speaker 4: Bush is a punk ass chump, So.

600
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,440
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, I had an awareness.

601
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:40,200
Speaker 2: I want to talk to Circa because I think of

602
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:44,279
Speaker 2: her as the anti me. Like, here's how Circa's Valentine's

603
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:47,120
Speaker 2: Day went in junior high. She walked up to her

604
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 2: boyfriend at the time holding a Hershy's kiss and said,

605
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 2: do you want this or do you want a real one?

606
00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,920
Speaker 2: I wanted to tell me how she achieved such romantic success,

607
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:00,439
Speaker 2: what she had that I didn't have. I had laid

608
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:02,600
Speaker 2: all this out and my initial message to her.

609
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,520
Speaker 4: So I said this to my husband and he was

610
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:07,759
Speaker 4: kind of like, well, it's obvious isn't it like you

611
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,879
Speaker 4: were just new and different? And I think that's exactly it.

612
00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:13,799
Speaker 4: Like you guys had all been together from the age

613
00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:18,600
Speaker 4: of two. Do you know, so I literally was just

614
00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:21,160
Speaker 4: new and different. I honestly think it was that simple.

615
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:23,440
Speaker 2: I think that's part of it. But I feel like

616
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:26,919
Speaker 2: there was something about your personality too, Like I feel

617
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 2: like there was some like charisma or like confidence or

618
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 2: I don't know, I feel like I think.

619
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,680
Speaker 4: That that has got to be fakeatily make it though,

620
00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:39,560
Speaker 4: doesn't it Because looking back and looking at the challenge

621
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:43,120
Speaker 4: that was laid at my doorstep, I probably just leant

622
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:46,440
Speaker 4: into some kind of confident persona.

623
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 2: Sarah only attended Near North for a single year, and

624
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:54,720
Speaker 2: it wasn't an easy transition because of her mom's job.

625
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 2: She was upbraided at twelve years old and plopped down

626
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:01,760
Speaker 2: in a foreign country. Her dad all her old friends

627
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:05,440
Speaker 2: stayed back in Ireland. She remembers the day she came

628
00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:07,440
Speaker 2: to visit our school for the first time.

629
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:09,719
Speaker 4: And I remember crying and I remember saying I don't

630
00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 4: want to go there. My memory isn't a feeling invincible

631
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:17,680
Speaker 4: or anything like quite the opposite.

632
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,839
Speaker 1: Like like.

633
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:25,800
Speaker 2: Overwhelmed and shut down, you know. It's that sense of panic,

634
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,880
Speaker 2: Sirka thinks that made her act so confident when she

635
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:33,560
Speaker 2: started school with us. It was her way of managing Still,

636
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:36,279
Speaker 2: in the year I knew her, she often felt insecure,

637
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:40,680
Speaker 2: and dating didn't make that feeling go away anyway you

638
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 2: cut it. Boyfriend, No boyfriend? Junior high is hard, Sarka

639
00:37:53,239 --> 00:37:55,239
Speaker 2: tells me she's been married for about a year and

640
00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:58,920
Speaker 2: a half. Now, how did you guys meet? We went

641
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 2: on tyin day. I'd ask s Life the same question

642
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:03,800
Speaker 2: about how he met his.

643
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:08,240
Speaker 11: Partner, Actually through Tinder. We are a tender success story.

644
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:12,400
Speaker 2: I met my boyfriend through Tender too nice. Serka Life

645
00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:15,319
Speaker 2: me even though I always felt like they had some

646
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:19,319
Speaker 2: power I lacked. Almost two decades later, we all ended

647
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:22,680
Speaker 2: up in the same place, living with people we met

648
00:38:22,719 --> 00:38:32,280
Speaker 2: on Tinder. Back when I talked with my friend Karina,

649
00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 2: I'd asked her what her impression had been to me

650
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,760
Speaker 2: when we knew each other in junior high.

651
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,480
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Kayleie, I adored you.

652
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:46,120
Speaker 9: I remember you being very intelligent, you were very funny.

653
00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:50,719
Speaker 9: I know you like you were you were tall, just

654
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:53,120
Speaker 9: you know at that age, I feel like you always

655
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:56,200
Speaker 9: look at everyone else and like, don't form your confidence

656
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:59,600
Speaker 9: or like embrace every bit of yourself until later in life,

657
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:03,439
Speaker 9: and I remember being like, she has so many things

658
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:04,759
Speaker 9: going for her, like I.

659
00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:06,960
Speaker 1: Hope that she.

660
00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:13,880
Speaker 2: Becomes more confident. My past self was tall and awkward,

661
00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:17,319
Speaker 2: and the boy I liked didn't like me. And all

662
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:21,319
Speaker 2: these years later, I'm still tall and still awkward, and

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00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:26,320
Speaker 2: I still often feel left behind by romance. But then again,

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00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:29,240
Speaker 2: the junior high me would never have had the courage

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00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:33,200
Speaker 2: to have these conversations at all. So maybe I did

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00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:36,759
Speaker 2: become more confident, and some people do want to date me.

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00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:43,160
Speaker 2: I'd want to date me. These days, I don't think

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00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:46,520
Speaker 2: too much about Valentine's Day. It turns out that I

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00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:50,040
Speaker 2: don't like being one of those performative couples anymore than

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00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 2: I liked watching those performative couples. This year, on February fourteenth,

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00:39:55,920 --> 00:40:00,400
Speaker 2: my boyfriend made dinner. I did the dishes. Happy to Tuesday,

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00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:05,480
Speaker 2: he said, Happy Tuesday, I said. Then we watched TV.

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Speaker 2: It was nice.

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00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:48,680
Speaker 10: Now that the fernitures returning to its goodwill home, now

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00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:50,080
Speaker 10: that the last.

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Speaker 6: Month's rent is skiming with the damage to pot take

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Speaker 6: this moment to deserve if We met Lee Too, Thanks

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00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:13,000
Speaker 6: Edacidan Lee.

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Speaker 2: This episode of Heavyweight was produced by me Khalila Holt

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00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:22,640
Speaker 2: along with Jonathan Goldstein and Phoebe Flanagan. Our supervising producer

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00:41:22,719 --> 00:41:26,920
Speaker 2: is Stevie Lane. Production assistants from Mohiney mcgauker. Special thanks

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00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:30,920
Speaker 2: to Max Green, Flora Lichtman, and Connor Sampson. Editorial guidance

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00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:34,479
Speaker 2: from Emily Condon. In the im recreation, Karina was played

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00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,200
Speaker 2: by Reagan Dedeer and Laife was played by John Clawson.

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00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:40,480
Speaker 2: Thanks to Greg Holt and Tony John for making that possible.

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00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:44,120
Speaker 2: Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows,

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Speaker 2: John K. Sampson, Blue Dot Sessions, and Bobby Lord. Additional

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00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:50,399
Speaker 2: music credits can be found on our website gilimedia dot

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Speaker 2: com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The Weaker

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00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 2: Dance courtesy of Epitaph Records. Heavyweight is a Spotify original podcast.

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Speaker 2: Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight, on Instagram at Heavyweight Podcast,

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00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:04,600
Speaker 2: or email us at Heavyweight At gimlimedia dot com. You

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Speaker 2: can follow our show on Spotify and tap the belt

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00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:10,520
Speaker 2: to receive notifications when new episodes drop. We'll be back

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Speaker 2: next week with a new episode