WEBVTT - The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 2

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<v Speaker 1>Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Alex

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<v Speaker 1>wants to see you in the studio. Regretful choice is

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<v Speaker 1>making my dogs sweat? Make my dogs sweating, My bare,

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<v Speaker 1>sweaty dogs was enough to get my dogs sending a

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<v Speaker 1>gentle arc of dog sweat across the studio. At the

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<v Speaker 1>exact moment that Alex Bloomberg walks through the door, from

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<v Speaker 1>the tip of his nose, Alex Bloomberg wipes away a

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<v Speaker 1>bead of what he must imagine is chanelle number five.

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<v Speaker 1>But it is not Chanelle number five. It is instead

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<v Speaker 1>a bead of foot sweat from toe number five, the

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<v Speaker 1>great toe. I can tell from his hecto millionaire scowl

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<v Speaker 1>that Alex Bloomberg is not feeling overly chuffed. What's up, man,

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<v Speaker 1>Bloomberg says, suctuating his request for information about what is

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<v Speaker 1>quote up? Our loud, intimidating slurps from his Hambucha energy drink, panicking,

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<v Speaker 1>I toss my shoes and socks into a waste paper

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<v Speaker 1>basket in the corner of the room. Then I hide

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<v Speaker 1>my nude, glistening dogs under the table, just chilling out,

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<v Speaker 1>I assure my voice stuttering, cracking and screeching. Would that

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<v Speaker 1>I could be in front of my editing equipment, I'd

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<v Speaker 1>smooth out my words with EQ knobs and splicing levers.

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<v Speaker 1>But alas I'm operating in real time, my least favorite

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<v Speaker 1>of times. Things are happening at the speed of life

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<v Speaker 1>and it's making me nauseous. So I just wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>check in about how the new season of Heavyweight is

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<v Speaker 1>coming along. Bloomberg says, we've sold all the advertising space,

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<v Speaker 1>and the sales team is getting nervous. I'm told you're

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<v Speaker 1>not responding to any of their snapchat inquiries. It's coming

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<v Speaker 1>along riduculously amazing. I say ridunculously amaze balls, I mean

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<v Speaker 1>cool mode, Bloomberg says, When can I get a little

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<v Speaker 1>taste the normally ruthless Bloomberg is acting coy. He's been

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<v Speaker 1>asking me for months to play him what I've been

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<v Speaker 1>working on, but because I have nothing, each time I

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<v Speaker 1>put him off, always with some kind of diversion, stepping

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<v Speaker 1>into a garbage can, feigning a heart attack, having a

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<v Speaker 1>real heart attack, feigning a heart attack so hard it

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<v Speaker 1>becomes a real heart attack. But this time I decide

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<v Speaker 1>to man up, nay, to person up. Oh, just putting

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<v Speaker 1>the finishing touches to the pilot episode. I lie, let's

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<v Speaker 1>have a listening party in a week, Bloomberg says. We

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<v Speaker 1>can listen while eating healthy treats, and I add drinking

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<v Speaker 1>Miller High Life. Extending a pinky, Bloomberg says, pinky swear tentatively,

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<v Speaker 1>I extend the tip of my pinky. Bloomberg touches its

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<v Speaker 1>nub with the tip of his pinky nub. Bloomberg's plump

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<v Speaker 1>pinky nub feels like a wedge of peeled tangerine. Pinky

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<v Speaker 1>swears are sacred, Bloomberg says, with what sounds like a

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<v Speaker 1>touch of menace totally. I say, swallowing hard. As we

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<v Speaker 1>rise from our seats and exit the studio, I pray

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<v Speaker 1>that Bloomberg does not cast as gaze downward and spy

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<v Speaker 1>my feet barefoot in along. Each of us sets forth

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<v Speaker 1>in the direction of the bathroom. For Bloomberg this means

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<v Speaker 1>the executive bathroom, the kind of comfort station one might

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<v Speaker 1>refer to as the facilities, And for me, this means

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<v Speaker 1>the public bathroom, where everyone from Timothy Nelson to the

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<v Speaker 1>FedEx delivery man voids their bowels with exuberance. Once there

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<v Speaker 1>I make myself comfy on the countertop, soaking my barefoot

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<v Speaker 1>dogs in a sink full of tap water. I pray

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<v Speaker 1>to God Timothy Nelson doesn't burst in and start making

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<v Speaker 1>small talk about decibels and frequencies and why in the

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<v Speaker 1>world I'm washing my feet there are crumbs between my toes.

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<v Speaker 1>I might say, that's cool. Timothy Nelson might respond, is it?

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<v Speaker 1>I might fire back, is it really? My tone will

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<v Speaker 1>be testy, of course, because like most I don't like

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<v Speaker 1>interruptions when soaping down my dogs in public. And as

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<v Speaker 1>for Bloomberg, I imagine he's in his bathroom, eating a

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<v Speaker 1>charcoal broiled, garlic rubbed steak and drinking a goblet filled

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<v Speaker 1>with two bottles of Miller High Life, while seated atop

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<v Speaker 1>a dynamically warm toilet seat and staring thoughtfully out a

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<v Speaker 1>floor to ceiling window as the pale sun sets over

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<v Speaker 1>the Brooklyn skyline, while vigorously paper toweling my dogs and

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<v Speaker 1>imagining just how beautiful smelling the executive lavatory must be,

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<v Speaker 1>how luxuriant and free of charge its beard unctions, and

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<v Speaker 1>how juicy the bowlful of expertly melonbald honeydew. Cold hard

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<v Speaker 1>reality sets in Blomberg is expecting to hear some of

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<v Speaker 1>the new season, and I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to

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<v Speaker 1>present him with. This has been chapter two of the

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<v Speaker 1>Heavyweight Diaries. With any luck, the new season of Heavyweight

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<v Speaker 1>will begin on September twenty sixth. Until then, you can

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<v Speaker 1>chart our progress each week with a new Diary update.

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<v Speaker 1>And remember the best place to listen to Heavyweight is

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<v Speaker 1>on Spotify. The second best place to listen to Heavyweight

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<v Speaker 1>is on the sound system in Alex's tricked out Camaro.

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<v Speaker 1>Heavyweight is me Jonathan Goldstein along with Jorgeos, Stevie Lane,

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<v Speaker 1>Khalila Holt, and b A. Parker. This episode was mixed

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<v Speaker 1>by Emma Munger, music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music

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<v Speaker 1>is Vivaldi's Spring performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players.

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<v Speaker 1>We'll have a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week.