1
00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,840
Speaker 1: On this show, I've been so lucky to sit down

2
00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:07,000
Speaker 1: with some of the greatest experts on the planet, from

3
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:11,520
Speaker 1: when it comes to marriage to romance, chemistry, compatibility, some

4
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,960
Speaker 1: of the therapists that are working with hundreds of clients worldwide,

5
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:19,480
Speaker 1: and people in the public eye who've opened up about

6
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,560
Speaker 1: their own experience. You're going to get to hear from

7
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,760
Speaker 1: all of them in just a moment, so make sure

8
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:28,000
Speaker 1: you stick around the number one health and wellness podcast,

9
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:35,479
Speaker 1: Jay Set Jay Shetty Set. When it comes to building

10
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:39,400
Speaker 1: a lasting marriage, most people think it starts with romance

11
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:44,000
Speaker 1: or chemistry, but it's actually something else. The real foundation

12
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:49,080
Speaker 1: to a lasting marriage is emotional resilience. Think about this.

13
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:52,839
Speaker 1: Nearly half of all marriages in the US still end

14
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:57,080
Speaker 1: in divorce. The number one reason isn't a lack of love.

15
00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:02,960
Speaker 1: It's a breakdown in trust and communication. That's where everything

16
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,160
Speaker 1: starts to fall apart. In this episode, we're going straight

17
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,839
Speaker 1: to the heart of it, why people cheat and why

18
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:15,640
Speaker 1: they stay, Why forever isn't a promise, it's a practice,

19
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:20,280
Speaker 1: and how redefining love might be the key to saving it.

20
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:24,399
Speaker 1: What you'll hear isn't fluff or wish well thinking, just

21
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:29,639
Speaker 1: hard earned truths and relationships saving lessons. Jada Pinkett Smith

22
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:33,840
Speaker 1: breaks down how marriage isn't a fixed identity, it's a

23
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:39,440
Speaker 1: spiritual evolution. She opens up about separation, reconciliation, and the

24
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,959
Speaker 1: patterns from childhood that shape adult love. The real lesson

25
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:47,960
Speaker 1: is this, you don't just arrive in marriage. It's not

26
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,160
Speaker 1: a finish line. You keep choosing each other over and

27
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,760
Speaker 1: over as you both grow and change, even when life

28
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:59,480
Speaker 1: gets messy, especially with big life changes. One study found

29
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,680
Speaker 1: that's sixty seven percent of couples report being less satisfied

30
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:08,639
Speaker 1: in their marriage after having children unless they work intentionally

31
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,520
Speaker 1: to reconnect. As she describes here, you don't need a

32
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:16,520
Speaker 1: perfect partner, You need a partner willing to grow with you.

33
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:21,919
Speaker 2: We really look at our marriage as being the cornerstone

34
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:27,600
Speaker 2: of family. We're both kind of coming up with different

35
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:32,799
Speaker 2: definitions of what marriage means for us. We're still figuring

36
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:37,440
Speaker 2: all of that out. Yeah, but the beautiful part is

37
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:41,639
Speaker 2: that there's been some really deep healing going on. Yeah,

38
00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:44,920
Speaker 2: I mean, you know that. I mean, at the end

39
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,120
Speaker 2: of the day, that's what it's about. Marriage is so

40
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:54,440
Speaker 2: much about growth, like really learning how to grow emotionally

41
00:02:54,520 --> 00:03:02,160
Speaker 2: like emotional maturity, spiritual maturity, and there's this spiritual bond there.

42
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,919
Speaker 2: I mean, we've tried our best to get away from

43
00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:10,600
Speaker 2: each other. I mean, I mean our best, and we

44
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:17,760
Speaker 2: just don't want to. So we are defining it the

45
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:22,760
Speaker 2: way that works for us, and I think getting comfortable

46
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:28,720
Speaker 2: with not being concerned about what anybody else thinks about it.

47
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:34,200
Speaker 2: We have this life partnership and every day we're trying

48
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,920
Speaker 2: to figure out what that means.

49
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,600
Speaker 1: You've both talked about how you feel like you're a

50
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,680
Speaker 1: mirror for each other. Yeah, and when I've spoken to

51
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,320
Speaker 1: Will as well, it's like he feels like you're the

52
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,600
Speaker 1: person who knows him to his care.

53
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,920
Speaker 2: Absolutely, he knows you to.

54
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:54,160
Speaker 1: Your care, like you know everything. Yeah, that potentially there

55
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:57,360
Speaker 1: is to know about each other, and you're obviously still learning.

56
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:58,040
Speaker 3: Yeah.

57
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,200
Speaker 1: What's really interesting about that is some people say, well,

58
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,320
Speaker 1: why not just get divorced.

59
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, everybody's always like, why don't you just get divorced?

60
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,960
Speaker 2: And it's like, hmm, that's like quitting. I don't think

61
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,560
Speaker 2: there's any person that could embrace the best and the

62
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:18,400
Speaker 2: worst of me and be able be willing to hold

63
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,919
Speaker 2: space in the way that will hold space for me

64
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,039
Speaker 2: and the way that I hold space for him. And

65
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,640
Speaker 2: I know that most people probably go into their relationship

66
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,960
Speaker 2: as like you were here to please me, And yeah,

67
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:39,480
Speaker 2: our relationship isn't quite that, you know. It's like it's

68
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:44,760
Speaker 2: more about there's no greater mirror I could have than

69
00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:49,359
Speaker 2: will he doesn't. I can't get around myself just like

70
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,919
Speaker 2: he can't get around himself with me. And I think

71
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:57,400
Speaker 2: that that's just been what this has been all about,

72
00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:02,160
Speaker 2: Like it's been a deep clear like really having to

73
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:06,760
Speaker 2: look at yourself in ways in that mirror that sure,

74
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,359
Speaker 2: we talk about this all the time. Would it be

75
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,360
Speaker 2: easier to go and find somebody else and have a

76
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:17,000
Speaker 2: more pleasing, more comfortable relationship, maybe, But would that get

77
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,880
Speaker 2: me to the person that I really want to be?

78
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,960
Speaker 2: I don't think so. And I'm not saying that everybody's

79
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,240
Speaker 2: relationship is supposed to be that. I'm not here to

80
00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:29,760
Speaker 2: say that. I'm just saying that that's what my relationship is.

81
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:37,479
Speaker 2: That's something I desire to get to a deeper part,

82
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:48,000
Speaker 2: a more spiritually sound, emotionally sound, and really understand love unconditionally.

83
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,880
Speaker 2: And the thing that I've learned about unconditional love, you

84
00:05:52,960 --> 00:06:00,640
Speaker 2: can't really understand what unconditional love and ideal circumstances.

85
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,120
Speaker 4: To really get to.

86
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:08,760
Speaker 2: What it is to love yourself and someone else completely

87
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:15,120
Speaker 2: with all that's divine, all that's human, all that's perfect,

88
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:20,640
Speaker 2: and all that is deeply flawed, and have full acceptance

89
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:25,760
Speaker 2: for it. All I tell you this is you know,

90
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,040
Speaker 2: marriage is not for the faint at heart. It's just not.

91
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:35,080
Speaker 2: And it is definitely I believe, I believe. You know,

92
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,279
Speaker 2: different people get married for different reasons, so I'm not

93
00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:40,360
Speaker 2: trying to say why anybody else should be married, but

94
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:44,719
Speaker 2: for me, the holy path of getting to a divine

95
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:49,240
Speaker 2: aspect of myself in partnership with Will and it seems

96
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,599
Speaker 2: like Will wants the same for himself. And it's taken us,

97
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,039
Speaker 2: you know, I mean, we got together it what I

98
00:06:55,160 --> 00:07:01,720
Speaker 2: was twenty three, okay, twenty three when I first decided

99
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:09,160
Speaker 2: to commit myself to Willard Carroll Smith, Lord Jesus.

100
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,679
Speaker 1: So young, so young.

101
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:18,040
Speaker 2: We were babies, babies trying to figure this out. And

102
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:21,800
Speaker 2: you know what's interesting about young relationships. You create these

103
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:26,720
Speaker 2: young patterns that get so like these really young immature

104
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:31,320
Speaker 2: patterns in yourself and how you relate to your partner,

105
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:35,600
Speaker 2: and then you create these dynamics between one another that

106
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,920
Speaker 2: it takes a while to like really be willing to

107
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,280
Speaker 2: look at that stuff and dissolve it and let it

108
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:54,040
Speaker 2: go immature and grow. It takes some real like self inventory, patience, courage, right,

109
00:07:54,200 --> 00:08:01,440
Speaker 2: because you're breaking down everything, all your romantic ideas, everything

110
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:06,760
Speaker 2: you thought you know, relationship or marriage, all your romantic

111
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,640
Speaker 2: fantasies you know.

112
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:09,360
Speaker 5: Just.

113
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:15,880
Speaker 2: You know, blow up in flames. But it's really been freeing.

114
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:23,720
Speaker 2: It's really been freeing to see what's more true. Right.

115
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,800
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that I know the truth yet. I

116
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:30,280
Speaker 2: just feel like I'm seeing more of what's true, you know,

117
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:36,000
Speaker 2: as regards to what love and partnership is about. Because

118
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,560
Speaker 2: I was definitely one of those people that's like, you're

119
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,559
Speaker 2: here to make me happy, and when you don't do it,

120
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,240
Speaker 2: that's a problem.

121
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,480
Speaker 1: And that's a normal setup. That's how we believe relationships are.

122
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,640
Speaker 1: And you know, I've talked about it before and I

123
00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:52,720
Speaker 1: put it forward in my book, this idea that we

124
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:57,640
Speaker 1: think pleasure is the ultimate gift of a relationship, but

125
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:03,520
Speaker 1: really purification is. And that's a really tough idea for anyone,

126
00:09:03,559 --> 00:09:06,080
Speaker 1: including me. I haven't perfected that idea for me to

127
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:10,000
Speaker 1: wrap my head around, and I can honestly say that

128
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,320
Speaker 1: I love Radi and you know you've seen us both

129
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,280
Speaker 1: together and everything. But the greatest gift Radi gives me

130
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:21,200
Speaker 1: is a mirror and a purification of RADI can call

131
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:24,120
Speaker 1: out my ego better than anyone or anything, and I

132
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,320
Speaker 1: know it's coming from a good place. Radi can show

133
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:31,320
Speaker 1: me my flaws in the nicest, most supportive way possible

134
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,480
Speaker 1: and can receive it back from me, And then I

135
00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:39,280
Speaker 1: feel like because of her, I'm trying to be better,

136
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:44,000
Speaker 1: getting better, not for her, for myself. It's almost like

137
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,640
Speaker 1: the person that you live with knows you so deeply,

138
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,760
Speaker 1: or the person that you've seen has seen you in

139
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,920
Speaker 1: all circumstances, in all situations, knows you the deepest. I

140
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,400
Speaker 1: would say, RADI knows whether I woke up and meditated

141
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,000
Speaker 1: in the morning. Yeah, Like RADI knows whether I got

142
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,480
Speaker 1: angry or frustrated at night after a like Rodley knows that.

143
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,720
Speaker 1: And if I use that to my advantage of am

144
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,840
Speaker 1: I becoming, am I growing. But it's such a hard

145
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:13,920
Speaker 1: concept for people to understand because it's so counterintuitive to

146
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:18,280
Speaker 1: the pleasure seeking mind that we've been conditioned to chase.

147
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,880
Speaker 1: And again, I'm not saying we shouldn't have a pleasure

148
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,240
Speaker 1: in relationship. That's not the point I'm making. I'm just

149
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,120
Speaker 1: saying that there's more to it, There's another level.

150
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,720
Speaker 2: There's definitely more to it. And I think we've talked

151
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,360
Speaker 2: about this before, you and I. As far as people

152
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:36,760
Speaker 2: believing that romantic love is the highest form. Now, I

153
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:44,920
Speaker 2: believe that romantic love is an aspect right of a

154
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:49,040
Speaker 2: higher form. But I don't believe that romantic self romantic

155
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,840
Speaker 2: love itself is the highest form.

156
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:52,480
Speaker 1: Right.

157
00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:56,000
Speaker 2: I believe within the highest form you can have romantic love,

158
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,600
Speaker 2: but that romantic love is not of the highest right.

159
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:07,199
Speaker 2: And that's all I've been examining and exploring with Will

160
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:16,040
Speaker 2: and really trying to understand the power of unconditional love, friendship,

161
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:24,520
Speaker 2: Like there's something about friendship, familial love that is beautiful.

162
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:32,040
Speaker 2: But when two people can have an agreement around divine love,

163
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:40,200
Speaker 2: like love of a source greater than yourself that you

164
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:44,160
Speaker 2: want to be connected to, and then you decide that

165
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,400
Speaker 2: your relationship is going to be connected to that same source,

166
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:55,040
Speaker 2: oh boy, now we're onto something. Now we're onto something.

167
00:11:56,080 --> 00:12:03,520
Speaker 2: But to think that romantic love can hold all of

168
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:08,880
Speaker 2: the difficulties and challenges alone. And I think that's why

169
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,280
Speaker 2: so many of us get into these power struggles. And

170
00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:14,960
Speaker 2: while there's so many divorces and why they're you know,

171
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,480
Speaker 2: just all of this strife and relationships, you brought up

172
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:23,800
Speaker 2: something that was really important And it's the idea of

173
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,280
Speaker 2: Roddy when she can kind of pull your coattails with love.

174
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,680
Speaker 2: And I think that's it takes a lot of work

175
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,960
Speaker 2: to figure that out, like to not be offended when

176
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:41,760
Speaker 2: someone shows up imperfectly, and that those are those kind

177
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:46,440
Speaker 2: of pieces within relationship, Like we feel like people are

178
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,200
Speaker 2: supposed to come ready made. You walk down the aisland

179
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,280
Speaker 2: and it's like he knows how to love me, you know,

180
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,280
Speaker 2: I know how to love him, you know, and not

181
00:12:55,520 --> 00:13:00,800
Speaker 2: making room for that space of growth that is inevitable.

182
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,040
Speaker 2: People are going to mess up. People are gonna do

183
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,320
Speaker 2: stupid stuff, People are gonna say stupid stuff. Now when

184
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,120
Speaker 2: it comes to abuse and all of that, that's a

185
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:15,200
Speaker 2: different story, right, But people who are willing to learn

186
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,080
Speaker 2: how to love each other, because I really do think

187
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:25,160
Speaker 2: that's what committed relationships about marriage or not. I'm committed

188
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,880
Speaker 2: to learning how to love myself, learning how to love

189
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:34,240
Speaker 2: you right, and then learning how to cultivate this relationship

190
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:41,080
Speaker 2: that we have with that essence, with those components. Then

191
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:47,440
Speaker 2: that's a beautiful thing. That's what I believe the holy

192
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:51,320
Speaker 2: path of relating is all about. And not everybody wants that,

193
00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:56,320
Speaker 2: you know, some people really just want the romantic version

194
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:56,520
Speaker 2: of it.

195
00:13:56,559 --> 00:13:59,559
Speaker 1: And that's okay too, Absolutely, that's okay.

196
00:13:59,280 --> 00:13:59,880
Speaker 6: Too, you know.

197
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:05,840
Speaker 2: But for me definitely on that path of looking for

198
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:10,720
Speaker 2: something deeper within myself mostly.

199
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:17,240
Speaker 1: How did you let go of that desire for romantic

200
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:20,040
Speaker 1: love but then hold onto the friendship? Because I feel

201
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:24,480
Speaker 1: like that's a journey that is so hard, whether someone

202
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,640
Speaker 1: stays married or gets divorced or like you both are

203
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,440
Speaker 1: you described yourself as best friends. How did you hold

204
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:34,160
Speaker 1: on too friendship being able to let go of the

205
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,200
Speaker 1: mirage that you had earlier, or even not even the mirage,

206
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,240
Speaker 1: the reality of what you had earlier, as you talk

207
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,640
Speaker 1: about in the book, you know, the chemistry, the spark.

208
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,880
Speaker 1: I think so many of us are trying to hold

209
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,360
Speaker 1: onto that. But you've let go of that, And then

210
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,240
Speaker 1: you're saying, but we've held on to the friendship, the mirror,

211
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,000
Speaker 1: the work, the growth. That sounds like the hard way

212
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:52,880
Speaker 1: through it.

213
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:57,240
Speaker 2: I think it's how people show up, and people don't

214
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:03,560
Speaker 2: always show up perfect clearly. But one thing about Will

215
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,800
Speaker 2: and I, we're just not willing to give up. It's

216
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,360
Speaker 2: like I'm lucky that we just want to have each

217
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:16,960
Speaker 2: other in one another's life. Right, you have moments of disharmony,

218
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,840
Speaker 2: but if you know that you're not willing to not

219
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,240
Speaker 2: have that person in your life, you know you got

220
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,920
Speaker 2: to put forth the effort and you got to put

221
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:34,800
Speaker 2: forth the work to transform whatever's not working. So we

222
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:40,760
Speaker 2: always make the decision to take that one step closer

223
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:47,760
Speaker 2: to diving more deeply to learning how to love. And

224
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,600
Speaker 2: most of the time it has more to do with

225
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:58,160
Speaker 2: self inventory, having to go in the corner and look

226
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:03,240
Speaker 2: at oneself and come back and go, I was tripping,

227
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,800
Speaker 2: whether it's I'm sorry or I had a misunderstanding. Can

228
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,080
Speaker 2: we look at this now together, because now I've looked

229
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,320
Speaker 2: at it in my corner alone, and I've seen my

230
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,800
Speaker 2: part and I want to talk to you first about

231
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:27,840
Speaker 2: my part ABC and D right, and then inevitably usually

232
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,440
Speaker 2: your partner go, well, you know I could have done

233
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:35,640
Speaker 2: such and such and such, and so when you have

234
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,800
Speaker 2: an agreement that's really unspoken of, like I want you

235
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,960
Speaker 2: in my life and I want to have good times

236
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:47,280
Speaker 2: with you and I love you. Then that's the energy

237
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:56,440
Speaker 2: that nurtures and keeps one willing to just keep working

238
00:16:56,480 --> 00:17:01,280
Speaker 2: at it. So there's that deep love. And the great

239
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,120
Speaker 2: thing is that Will's got a great sense of humor,

240
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,760
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. He's got a really good

241
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,880
Speaker 2: sense of humor. So he has a way of being

242
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,520
Speaker 2: able to help me get out of my funk. But

243
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,360
Speaker 2: I'm kind of like you talk about this a lot

244
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,280
Speaker 2: with Roddy, where I kind of have to take my time,

245
00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:19,320
Speaker 2: Like I'm not always ready to talk right away. I

246
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:22,480
Speaker 2: need to like sit, I need to be with myself,

247
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,320
Speaker 2: I need to kind of like work through my thoughts

248
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,600
Speaker 2: and all of that. Where Will is always ready to talk.

249
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,119
Speaker 2: I like to go deep. He likes to get funny.

250
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:35,359
Speaker 2: The great thing about him, he can go deep, and

251
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,239
Speaker 2: there are times that I really like to play and

252
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:42,199
Speaker 2: have fun. So we're like these energetic fields. You know,

253
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,760
Speaker 2: I'm Earth and he's sky. You know, we are your

254
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:52,040
Speaker 2: typical yin and yang, you know that. You know, there's

255
00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:57,280
Speaker 2: this great chemistry there between us that just works. And

256
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:03,240
Speaker 2: but when it doesn't work. Oh Man, oh man, oh man,

257
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,000
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, those moments, but it's just like, ah,

258
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,880
Speaker 2: but I think that's just inevitable in every relationship.

259
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,600
Speaker 1: You know, But it just doesn't look traditional. I think

260
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,480
Speaker 1: that's the point. That's that's the part where it's like,

261
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,359
Speaker 1: it just doesn't look traditional.

262
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:18,560
Speaker 5: It.

263
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:24,040
Speaker 1: Yes, there's the trust, there's commitments. Yeah, there's understanding, and

264
00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:26,200
Speaker 1: at the same time it doesn't look it.

265
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,560
Speaker 2: Doesn't look traditional. I don't know. I'm being honest with you.

266
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:37,159
Speaker 2: There are aspects of traditional relating that absolutely work. But

267
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,320
Speaker 2: I think in this day and age, I don't know

268
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,680
Speaker 2: too many marriages that are traditional.

269
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,719
Speaker 4: I really don't.

270
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:52,359
Speaker 2: Everybody is trying to figure it out, right, and I

271
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:57,119
Speaker 2: think everybody's so scared to talk about all of the

272
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,800
Speaker 2: different ways that they're that they're trying to figure it out.

273
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:04,080
Speaker 2: I know so many people who are like married but

274
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:09,160
Speaker 2: not living together, married but have decided to have other partners.

275
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,800
Speaker 2: I know so many people and have for a long

276
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:19,160
Speaker 2: time that are trying marriage in so many different forms.

277
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:24,480
Speaker 2: And my whole thing is figure it out for you.

278
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:31,480
Speaker 2: Marriage is not a cookie cut out like formula. Besides,

279
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,680
Speaker 2: I do think that there's some staples you know, love,

280
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,719
Speaker 2: but even that, you can take that out for a second.

281
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,200
Speaker 2: There's some people who are married strictly for business purposes.

282
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,199
Speaker 2: I've seen that too. As long as there's agreement between

283
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,199
Speaker 2: two people and how they decide they want to be together,

284
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,359
Speaker 2: stay out of it. It has nothing to do. I

285
00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:58,560
Speaker 2: tell people all the time, don't look at my marriage

286
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:02,280
Speaker 2: as being contagious. Whatever I'm doing, does it mean you

287
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:05,600
Speaker 2: got to be doing that. You got to be doing

288
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,639
Speaker 2: the thing that works for you. And I feel like

289
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:13,000
Speaker 2: every partnership, two people have the right to figure that

290
00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:13,720
Speaker 2: out for them.

291
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,399
Speaker 1: And it's so different in norms, in different cultures and

292
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,520
Speaker 1: different backgrounds. I mean, like for me and Radi, we

293
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:23,080
Speaker 1: spend a lot of time apart because she likes to

294
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,960
Speaker 1: be back with a family in London and I travel

295
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,600
Speaker 1: for work. And so we discovered and agreed very early

296
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,359
Speaker 1: on in our relationship that when I work, she would

297
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,240
Speaker 1: often visit her family back in London and she loves it,

298
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:36,960
Speaker 1: and she wants to be with her mom and dad

299
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,880
Speaker 1: and her niece and nephew and her sister and brother

300
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,760
Speaker 1: in law and everyone. And I love my purpose and

301
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,359
Speaker 1: I want to be traveling. I want to be working

302
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,639
Speaker 1: I want to be moving, and I remember so many

303
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,000
Speaker 1: times in our relationship people be like, is everything okay? Yeah,

304
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,920
Speaker 1: And then we go back to London and people be like,

305
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,760
Speaker 1: why's your wife not with your People like why is

306
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:57,080
Speaker 1: Jay not with you? And everyone starts thinking that there

307
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,080
Speaker 1: may be something going on, and it's actually, well, no,

308
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,000
Speaker 1: this was our agree this is something we've sat and

309
00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:05,160
Speaker 1: talked about and figured things out, and actually we love

310
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,320
Speaker 1: distance because we get excited to see each other again.

311
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,640
Speaker 1: It's refreshing. It works for us, and again it may

312
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,760
Speaker 1: not work for anyone else. Someone may say I need

313
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,280
Speaker 1: my partner by my set every day fair enough, and

314
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,480
Speaker 1: someone may say I want to travel more than you

315
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:21,200
Speaker 1: do or less. But we just found that having honest

316
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:25,359
Speaker 1: conversations between us and knowing why we were making certain

317
00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:29,359
Speaker 1: decisions even though they were abnormal to our community, the

318
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,639
Speaker 1: community that we grew up in, where the way we

319
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:36,400
Speaker 1: live is very abnormal, even though it's just about time apart.

320
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,159
Speaker 1: The point was we had an agreement that worked for us,

321
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,320
Speaker 1: and I think getting to know you both, I can

322
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,400
Speaker 1: honestly say that I feel like you guys are both

323
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,640
Speaker 1: always honest and communicative with each other on what your

324
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,000
Speaker 1: agreements are absolutely, and that's what we have been discussing

325
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:54,560
Speaker 1: today as well, that you know, there's there's always been that,

326
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,000
Speaker 1: that openness to do that.

327
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:57,800
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well I talk about it a lot in

328
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,200
Speaker 2: the book. Absolutely, and I think that a lot of

329
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,800
Speaker 2: people had a lot of misunderstanding as we talked about earlier.

330
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,760
Speaker 2: I believe in regards to open relationship and being able

331
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:11,040
Speaker 2: to be with whoever you want. Now, that's not what

332
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,760
Speaker 2: was happening. And I think a lot of times that

333
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,800
Speaker 2: people just didn't know that we had agreed to not

334
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:23,119
Speaker 2: be together. As we were trying to figure out are

335
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,560
Speaker 2: we going to be separated? Are we going to be divorced?

336
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,000
Speaker 2: Then we would reconcile, and then we would break up again,

337
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,200
Speaker 2: and there's all this back and forth between us that

338
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,119
Speaker 2: we didn't share with the world a lot, you know.

339
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,840
Speaker 2: And I think now people are just going to have

340
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:44,560
Speaker 2: to be okay with our marriage is not traditional in

341
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:50,520
Speaker 2: the sense of here we are married, but not you

342
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:54,640
Speaker 2: know what I mean. And you know, as I'm on

343
00:22:54,840 --> 00:23:00,400
Speaker 2: my path and Will's figuring his thing out, we decide

344
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,240
Speaker 2: it to hold space for each other.

345
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:24,960
Speaker 1: Relationship Coach Sadia Khan shares a truth most people don't

346
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 1: even think about. More men are being cheated on than

347
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:33,359
Speaker 1: we realize, but most of them stay silent. According to

348
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,840
Speaker 1: a study by the CDC, men are more than fifty

349
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:41,640
Speaker 1: percent less likely to seek counseling than women, which means

350
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,880
Speaker 1: they're more likely to internalize this shame and carry it forward.

351
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:50,280
Speaker 1: The lesson emotional reaction might feel good in the moment,

352
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: but it doesn't solve anything. What actually protects a relationship

353
00:23:55,359 --> 00:24:01,600
Speaker 1: is emotional regulation. Fireworks and passion fades, but stability, self control,

354
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,840
Speaker 1: and discipline. That's what builds real trust and keeps a

355
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:09,320
Speaker 1: relationship strong. It's not just about you and your partner.

356
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:13,480
Speaker 1: Your relationship sets a blueprint for your kids, your family,

357
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 1: your future. Who you pick is your partner sets the

358
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:21,480
Speaker 1: tone for the rest of your life. Cheating doesn't begin

359
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 1: in the bedroom. It begins in emotional distance. Spot the

360
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:30,480
Speaker 1: signs early or spend time repairing it far too late.

361
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,399
Speaker 1: What are the top three things that people you guide

362
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,639
Speaker 1: and coach and follow you on social media come to

363
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 1: you for and say their number one issue is for men.

364
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,240
Speaker 6: They do suffer from a lot of infidelity. The women

365
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,040
Speaker 6: are cheating on the men a lot more than I

366
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:45,880
Speaker 6: ever expected.

367
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,360
Speaker 7: Really My number one client.

368
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,440
Speaker 6: Is a man who's just been cheated on by a woman.

369
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,720
Speaker 6: And because there's not much talk about this on social media,

370
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,760
Speaker 6: and there's not much talk about this in general, we're

371
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,119
Speaker 6: almost programmed to think mensche Yeah, it is rare that

372
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,160
Speaker 6: you'll find the idea of women chaging, and men don't

373
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,040
Speaker 6: actually talk to each other when they've been cheated on.

374
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,440
Speaker 6: They kind of keep it to themselves because they're almost embarrassed.

375
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:07,360
Speaker 7: Or a shamed.

376
00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:09,119
Speaker 6: W As women, we can confide in each other a

377
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:11,320
Speaker 6: bit more so, My number one client tends to be

378
00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:13,800
Speaker 6: the man that's been cheated on or the woman that

379
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,760
Speaker 6: can't get the man to commit. That tends to be

380
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,720
Speaker 6: the two feels I kind of have that seem to

381
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,280
Speaker 6: attract in terms of clients. But men getting cheated on

382
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,480
Speaker 6: or men not being masculine enough tends to be the

383
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 6: common theme of my clients that keep coming back In.

384
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,119
Speaker 1: What's the difference between the woman a man dates and

385
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 1: the woman a man marries.

386
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,720
Speaker 6: I would say the key difference is the element of

387
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 6: stability and responsibility, And what I mean by that is

388
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,480
Speaker 6: being with a man who is super social, who's a

389
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,920
Speaker 6: big drinker and has got all these friends in busy

390
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 6: or day every day and got this amazing life is

391
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,840
Speaker 6: great for dates, you get to go on great vacations

392
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,480
Speaker 6: with them, you get to go to red nice restaurants

393
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,840
Speaker 6: and so on and so forth. But get when it

394
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,000
Speaker 6: comes to getting married, if you don't look for a

395
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,800
Speaker 6: man with a lot of self control, you will really suffer.

396
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 6: And what I mean by this is that he needs

397
00:25:58,119 --> 00:25:59,880
Speaker 6: to have self control in terms of his sexual disap

398
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:01,920
Speaker 6: in he's self control in terms of what he puts

399
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,879
Speaker 6: into his body, even the food he eats, everything, And

400
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,680
Speaker 6: he needs self control when it comes to his money.

401
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,199
Speaker 6: If in those areas he's got no self control. For dating,

402
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,119
Speaker 6: no problem, it doesn't matter. Yeah, he can be sexually wild,

403
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,000
Speaker 6: he can spend all his money, no problem. You can

404
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,560
Speaker 6: enjoy a great life When you marry a man like that.

405
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,400
Speaker 6: Every day's anxiety, every single day's anxiety, because his lack

406
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,440
Speaker 6: of self control will lead to lack of self respect,

407
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,480
Speaker 6: and as a result, he'll have such low self esteem

408
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 6: that you can't trust him to make decisions. But men

409
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,959
Speaker 6: with lots of self control, you can trust that they

410
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,720
Speaker 6: make great decisions. You can trust their judgment, and you

411
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,520
Speaker 6: can finally start a family or start your goals, but

412
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,080
Speaker 6: you can't do that with men who have got no

413
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:36,760
Speaker 6: self control?

414
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,879
Speaker 1: Do you know what the amazing thing is that as

415
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 1: I was listening to you, I was thinking about, like,

416
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,639
Speaker 1: men don't learn that anywhere. No, they it's so hard,

417
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,000
Speaker 1: Like if I never lived as a monk, I wouldn't

418
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:46,400
Speaker 1: have any sense.

419
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,480
Speaker 7: Well, it's your biggest lesson were living with money.

420
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:50,879
Speaker 1: I mean, a big part of it is sets control,

421
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 1: like don't you don't you eat what you're giving? You

422
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:58,199
Speaker 1: celibate while you're there, there's complete focus in determination on

423
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,760
Speaker 1: the path. And so there was so many any amazing

424
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,399
Speaker 1: mental mastery tools that I gained in terms of discipline

425
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,359
Speaker 1: an organization that I don't know where else I would

426
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:09,880
Speaker 1: have learned them.

427
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:12,199
Speaker 7: Can you excel as a man without self control? Do

428
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:12,480
Speaker 7: you think?

429
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:13,000
Speaker 1: I don't think so.

430
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,160
Speaker 7: It's an impossibility, isn't it saying?

431
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,080
Speaker 1: I just feel bad because I can't think of.

432
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 6: It's the opposite that actually we're told men are being

433
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 6: told that be with as many women as you can.

434
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 6: We have zero sexual discipline, and you know, you can

435
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 6: kind of eat whatever, and there's always a zembic, so

436
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 6: don't worry about it or this we're actually being told

437
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:37,000
Speaker 6: to reduce our our self control and replace it with hedonism.

438
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,440
Speaker 6: Follow your impulses, and you only live once. Just do it.

439
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,080
Speaker 6: That kind of mentality when it comes to drinking, when

440
00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,160
Speaker 6: it comes to food, when it comes to money, to spend, spend,

441
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,040
Speaker 6: spend all these things. Unfortunately, we're pushing men into a

442
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,119
Speaker 6: slow and steady depression because we're reducing the importance of

443
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,560
Speaker 6: self control and replacing it with self indulgence. And that

444
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,200
Speaker 6: is a slow suicide for a man. He will only

445
00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 6: start to respect himself when he can control himself. And

446
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,639
Speaker 6: they're only when you can control himself you can then excel.

447
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,280
Speaker 6: And if you pick a man who can't control himself,

448
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,200
Speaker 6: you'll spend the rest of your life trying to control him,

449
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,439
Speaker 6: and it will bring out the worst side of you.

450
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 6: You'll become a mother to a child you'd never want

451
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:13,280
Speaker 6: it to adopt.

452
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:19,680
Speaker 1: Wow, that might drop. They're so powerful. It's as I'm

453
00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,960
Speaker 1: listening to you, I'm just sitting here thinking how much

454
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 1: there is a need in helping men realize the mental mastery, sense, control,

455
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 1: discipline are what's going to find the right person. But

456
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,959
Speaker 1: I think the problem is men also believe that if

457
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,880
Speaker 1: they're the life of the party. If they're the big spender,

458
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,280
Speaker 1: if they're the big guy at the part. That's what's

459
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:43,560
Speaker 1: going to attract the right person.

460
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 6: You attract a chaotic person. There are women, lots of

461
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,480
Speaker 6: women that were like that. There are lots and lots

462
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,320
Speaker 6: of women that were like that. You're a big spender,

463
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 6: you're spending on bottles, you're going drinking all night, and

464
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,560
Speaker 6: you're the life and soul of the party. But it

465
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:56,280
Speaker 6: will attract women who want a fast life time and

466
00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,640
Speaker 6: probably don't want to invest in you. They're probably not

467
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 6: going to be there when you're suffer and you're on

468
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:04,240
Speaker 6: a downward spiral. My reason I'm so strict on men

469
00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:07,040
Speaker 6: when it comes to self discipline and sexual discipline in particular,

470
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 6: is we live in a time where men don't really

471
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,360
Speaker 6: get a say in when a baby is born. It's

472
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:12,880
Speaker 6: not really up to them if that child stays. And

473
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:14,440
Speaker 6: all women have the right way. I don't know what

474
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:16,280
Speaker 6: it's like in America, but usually we get to control

475
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:18,160
Speaker 6: if we want to keep the baby or don't want

476
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 6: to keep the baby, and as a result, we get

477
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:23,440
Speaker 6: some autonomy. If it's the wrong man perfect we don't

478
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:25,880
Speaker 6: have to suffer the consequences. But with men, if you

479
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:27,520
Speaker 6: get the wrong person and you don't have a good

480
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:30,000
Speaker 6: relationship and then you bring children into that mix, you

481
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,880
Speaker 6: create a generation of broken children, and you are more

482
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,080
Speaker 6: responsible for that. Yeah, because you have to be more

483
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:37,040
Speaker 6: careful than women do. Because we still have autonomy. We

484
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 6: can get rid of a child if we need to.

485
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,280
Speaker 6: You can't really have that much say in it, So

486
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,760
Speaker 6: you have to be so disciplined with who you are

487
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 6: laying down with and if you're I know men who

488
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:48,520
Speaker 6: have ruined their families just because they couldn't control themselves sexually,

489
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,840
Speaker 6: or just because they couldn't have that right conversation with

490
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:53,360
Speaker 6: their wife and say, look, I'm missing the intimacy. Maybe

491
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,040
Speaker 6: we should just part Instead, they just light a flame

492
00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:59,120
Speaker 6: into their own home and then suffer the consequences. So

493
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,680
Speaker 6: sexual discipline is a really really important one for men,

494
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,240
Speaker 6: followed by financial discipline.

495
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,720
Speaker 1: I've heard you say before that if someone cheats on you,

496
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,600
Speaker 1: it's partly your fault. I do say that, and I

497
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 1: wanted to hear your.

498
00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:12,680
Speaker 6: Yeah, I know that sounds terrible, and I say this

499
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:16,000
Speaker 6: particularly with you know men especially, I'm like, it's always

500
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:18,520
Speaker 6: were in fault. And the reason I say that's most

501
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:21,520
Speaker 6: cheaters come with smoking guns on the first day. There's

502
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:25,880
Speaker 6: always some signal that their behavior was not transparent. And

503
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:29,360
Speaker 6: whenever you catch them cheating, usually so they say, I

504
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,440
Speaker 6: always knew because from day one they were like this.

505
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,080
Speaker 6: And I always say, people usually don't lie. They might

506
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,640
Speaker 6: say lies, but they show you their red flags pretty

507
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:38,480
Speaker 6: much from day one. And it might have been that

508
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 6: they were in a relationship when you met them, or

509
00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:41,680
Speaker 6: it might have been that you caught them in a

510
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:43,720
Speaker 6: few lives when you first got with them, you would

511
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 6: have caught some signs that this person is capable of

512
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 6: deeper lies. And when I'm not saying you should always

513
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,440
Speaker 6: look for the bad. But when we keep ignoring poor behavior,

514
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 6: what ends up happening is we are becoming distant from

515
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:00,240
Speaker 6: the truth. We are going into denial. I actually have

516
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,240
Speaker 6: a problem. Even if your partner is cheating, no problem.

517
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 6: You have to have radical, radical relationship with the truth.

518
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:07,160
Speaker 6: And there are some women out there that are mistresses.

519
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,600
Speaker 6: They're so happy in that role because they know the truth.

520
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:11,840
Speaker 6: They know that he goes there, spends time with his wife.

521
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 6: I'll see hi when I see him. Truth is really important,

522
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,400
Speaker 6: So the more you align yourself with truth, the more

523
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 6: you won't actually get blindsided. But when you start missing

524
00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 6: red flags again and again, you haven't been intimate in months,

525
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:25,479
Speaker 6: somebody is not coming home one time, nothing's adding up,

526
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 6: and you keep making excuses. Unfortunately, we create the environment

527
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:32,880
Speaker 6: for these types of people to flourish. It's almost better

528
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,520
Speaker 6: that you protect your own home and protect your own sanity.

529
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,320
Speaker 6: Doesn't mean you become accusatory, but you know that your

530
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:41,360
Speaker 6: treatment is not what you appreciate. And if they continue

531
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,480
Speaker 6: like that, they don't have to cheat. The behavior is

532
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 6: enough for you to start setting a boundary and the

533
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,720
Speaker 6: behaviors you don't need because some cheaters will say, well,

534
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,360
Speaker 6: you can't prove anything. Cheaters will always want you to

535
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:53,160
Speaker 6: catch them red handed. You as the person, should say,

536
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:55,280
Speaker 6: I don't need red handed evidence. I can see your

537
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:58,320
Speaker 6: behaviors not treating me rightly. Stop them there before they

538
00:31:58,360 --> 00:31:59,920
Speaker 6: get to the point where they're disrespecting you more.

539
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:01,800
Speaker 1: That's where the gas lighting comes in.

540
00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:04,800
Speaker 6: Yeah, that's where the gaslighting. Yes, people get gas They

541
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:07,320
Speaker 6: do get gaslighted really heavily. And this is even as

542
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:09,600
Speaker 6: a psychologist, and you know when I'm as a therapist

543
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,040
Speaker 6: and This is where I have to be a lot

544
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,840
Speaker 6: more empathetic because I've had clients there that were like,

545
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:17,360
Speaker 6: she keeps accusing me, and they're so like convincing that

546
00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:19,320
Speaker 6: I'm like, you need to stop accusing him. I don't,

547
00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:21,200
Speaker 6: and then she'll taste me. Afterwards I found out he

548
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 6: was having an affair the whole time. So the gas

549
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:26,120
Speaker 6: lighting is very, very real. But the feeling they give

550
00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:28,360
Speaker 6: you is always true. So they'll lie to you. What

551
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,760
Speaker 6: their words, their lips will be learned. But your feeling,

552
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 6: that gut instinct that something's not right or they're lying

553
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,560
Speaker 6: to you, try and pay attention to that. And even

554
00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:38,680
Speaker 6: if you never get evidence that feeling is partly your

555
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,400
Speaker 6: partner's responsibility to help soothe.

556
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,640
Speaker 7: Those anxieties, not make them worse.

557
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,480
Speaker 6: So if you have that feeling and they're just like,

558
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,120
Speaker 6: maybe like whatever you need, like to make you feel better,

559
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,040
Speaker 6: I have no problem. I've got nothing to hide. But

560
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,160
Speaker 6: if they get less and less transparent, try and pay

561
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:51,840
Speaker 6: attention to that.

562
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:55,480
Speaker 1: What I'm hearing from you is if you pay attention

563
00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:59,320
Speaker 1: to the signs that you're seeing, you don't let yourself

564
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:01,040
Speaker 1: be in a position where you're taking advantage.

565
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:03,040
Speaker 6: That's what I'm saying. I'm saying, No, your partner better

566
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:05,360
Speaker 6: than they know themselves. At the moment they start changing,

567
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:08,000
Speaker 6: you spot it quicker than they can so and I'm

568
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,680
Speaker 6: sure you have this with Radi where you probably know

569
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:11,920
Speaker 6: her so so well that it would be difficult for

570
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:13,680
Speaker 6: her to have a double life without you. You know

571
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,600
Speaker 6: her behaviors or where she moves, how she talks, how

572
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 6: she kisses you, everything you pay close attention. We pay

573
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,000
Speaker 6: so much attention to your partner, it's quite difficult for

574
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,480
Speaker 6: them to live a whole double life without you catching on.

575
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:26,760
Speaker 6: So try and stay at tuned as much as you can.

576
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, every relationship has a rhythm as a pattern, and

577
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,640
Speaker 1: when the pattern's off, you check in. I think one

578
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:35,480
Speaker 1: of the things I see in relationship struggling is, especially

579
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:39,000
Speaker 1: as they get longer term, is we don't recommit, so

580
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:42,040
Speaker 1: life changes. Right, Me and Radi had a dating life.

581
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:44,320
Speaker 1: When we got married. We had to recommit to a

582
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 1: different way of living. When we got married, when we

583
00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:48,440
Speaker 1: lived in New York, we had to recommit to a

584
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:50,960
Speaker 1: different way of living. We moved to la different way

585
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:54,080
Speaker 1: of living. It's almost like I've dated so many different

586
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,760
Speaker 1: people in Radi as in, she's evolved, she's changed and

587
00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:00,680
Speaker 1: saying back at me, probably to some degree, but I

588
00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 1: think we don't like it when our partner changes. Psychotherapist

589
00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:26,040
Speaker 1: Lorie Gottlieb challenges the fantasy of a blind love. If

590
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:28,960
Speaker 1: you can't talk about marriage, money, and the future before

591
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:32,840
Speaker 1: the proposal, you're not ready. More than fifty three percent

592
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:36,760
Speaker 1: of couples split because of too much conflict and arguing,

593
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:40,160
Speaker 1: while more than seventy percent break up because of a

594
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:44,440
Speaker 1: lack of commitment. It's impossible to form true commitment and

595
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 1: conflict resolution without open and honest communication. The takeaway it's

596
00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:54,840
Speaker 1: easier not to be honest when the topic is uncomfortable,

597
00:34:55,360 --> 00:35:01,320
Speaker 1: but vulnerability requires honesty and ultimately is the most loving

598
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:04,160
Speaker 1: thing you can offer your partner. Our community had a

599
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:07,160
Speaker 1: lot of questions around was what's the right amount of

600
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:10,920
Speaker 1: pressure for someone to get married or proposed to you,

601
00:35:11,719 --> 00:35:14,600
Speaker 1: because I think people get to this point where they

602
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:18,440
Speaker 1: feel like we've invested someone's time, we're together, we're here,

603
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,399
Speaker 1: but this person is just not proposing, they're not getting

604
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,040
Speaker 1: they don't you know, they don't want to get married,

605
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:26,080
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. And there it gets to this

606
00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:28,399
Speaker 1: point of this ultimatum of like and now there's even

607
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 1: a TV show called The Ultimatum, which is all about

608
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,759
Speaker 1: people dealing with that period in their life. So what

609
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,359
Speaker 1: does someone do in that scenario where they feel there's

610
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:40,120
Speaker 1: good commitment, we're getting somewhere, but the other person isn't

611
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:45,160
Speaker 1: showing this excitement, enthusiasm, or even taking action on taking

612
00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:46,640
Speaker 1: this relationship to the next level.

613
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 3: This is like that birthday party thing where you feel

614
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 3: like you know the other person should just know, but

615
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:55,400
Speaker 3: we're not communicating about it. The fact that people don't

616
00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:57,880
Speaker 3: talk about whether they want to get married before a

617
00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:03,040
Speaker 3: proposal happens is insane to me. It just makes it

618
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,600
Speaker 3: makes no sense that it shouldn't be a total surprise.

619
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,720
Speaker 3: You should know that you are both on the same page,

620
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:11,000
Speaker 3: and you should know that the other person is definitely

621
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 3: going to say yes, that you've talked about this. So

622
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,719
Speaker 3: many people come to me for premarital therapy where they

623
00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 3: can talk about because they know they want to get

624
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,879
Speaker 3: married and maybe they want to they're not even having

625
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,480
Speaker 3: any problems. They just want to talk about their families

626
00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:26,440
Speaker 3: and how they're going to blend their families and the

627
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,920
Speaker 3: in laws and the siblings and you know this person

628
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:32,319
Speaker 3: and this personality, or they want to talk about money,

629
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,080
Speaker 3: or they want to talk about whether they want to

630
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 3: have kids and how many and how that might work,

631
00:36:36,239 --> 00:36:38,040
Speaker 3: or they want to talk about balancing their careers.

632
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:38,880
Speaker 4: They want to talk.

633
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:41,960
Speaker 3: About sex and all the different things that might be

634
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:45,279
Speaker 3: hard to talk about before you get married that are

635
00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:47,759
Speaker 3: so important and they might not have the answers right now,

636
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:51,000
Speaker 3: but they're learning how to talk about these challenging topics.

637
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:53,880
Speaker 3: And people say, oh, you're in therapy and you're not

638
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,839
Speaker 3: even married yet. Something must be terribly wrong. It's like, no,

639
00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:01,160
Speaker 3: something's terribly right. And so the fact fact that people

640
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:04,120
Speaker 3: are saying, like, I really want this person to propose,

641
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:07,280
Speaker 3: but I don't understand why they're not and they don't

642
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 3: feel like they can ask the person means you are

643
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,800
Speaker 3: not ready to marry that person if you don't feel

644
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 3: like you can bring this up and say, where are

645
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,239
Speaker 3: we We've been together for this.

646
00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:17,880
Speaker 4: Amount of time. I'm feeling this.

647
00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:20,880
Speaker 3: I'm wondering where you are with this and the person

648
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,640
Speaker 3: you'll get so much information from.

649
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:24,200
Speaker 4: I do want to marry you.

650
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:27,719
Speaker 3: I don't feel ready yet because of this, but I

651
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:31,120
Speaker 3: think I will feel ready in six months right, and

652
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:32,520
Speaker 3: then you have a choice do you want to wait

653
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:32,719
Speaker 3: for that.

654
00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:33,880
Speaker 4: Or do you not want to wait for that?

655
00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 1: Or nev right?

656
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:38,719
Speaker 3: Or they might say, actually, I don't know how I

657
00:37:38,719 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 3: feel about getting married. I don't know if I'm going

658
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,799
Speaker 3: to come around to that. You have a choice about

659
00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:45,359
Speaker 3: what you want to do with that. I you know, Oh,

660
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,800
Speaker 3: I didn't realize that. I thought I did want to

661
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:51,439
Speaker 3: get married, but now I'm not so sure. Well, that's

662
00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:55,360
Speaker 3: really important to know why what's happening between us, so

663
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:57,879
Speaker 3: that conversation is so important. Or do you just want

664
00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 3: to sit there scheming with your friends about how you

665
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:03,719
Speaker 3: can drop hints or how you can like analyze the

666
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:06,959
Speaker 3: behavior because the person did this, and what does that mean?

667
00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:09,560
Speaker 3: That doesn't sound like the kind of marriage you want

668
00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 3: to be in. Don't you want to be in the

669
00:38:10,719 --> 00:38:12,799
Speaker 3: kind of marriage where you can say to the person, Hey,

670
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:14,960
Speaker 3: this is what I'm desiring, this is what I'm wanting.

671
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:15,840
Speaker 4: Where are you with this?

672
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:17,000
Speaker 7: If?

673
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:18,520
Speaker 4: That's such a basic conversation.

674
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,360
Speaker 1: But that's so much healthier than an ultimatum, too, because

675
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 1: I think we also get again. It goes back to

676
00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,880
Speaker 1: what we were talking about earlier. You haven't given that

677
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:28,560
Speaker 1: regular check in right, you haven't touched base. You don't

678
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:31,600
Speaker 1: really know what that person's belief system is around marriage

679
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:33,719
Speaker 1: or whatever else it may be, and all of a

680
00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:36,160
Speaker 1: sudden it's built up for you as this big thing,

681
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:38,400
Speaker 1: and now you're like, Okay, we'll either you marry me

682
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,000
Speaker 1: or we're over. And then that's not comfortable for that

683
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,680
Speaker 1: person either, because now they feel they're forced into a choice,

684
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:45,759
Speaker 1: as opposed to a sense of how do you feel

685
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:48,680
Speaker 1: about this and what are your thoughts about this? Again,

686
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:50,960
Speaker 1: it comes back to we're so scared of appearing to

687
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:53,640
Speaker 1: be naggy. Yeah, we're so scared of appearing to be

688
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:57,319
Speaker 1: high maintenance. We're so scared of appearing to be the

689
00:38:57,360 --> 00:38:59,840
Speaker 1: one who's needy or desperate or whatever. Maybe, but we

690
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:03,200
Speaker 1: are feeling all of those things. I've had so many

691
00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:07,359
Speaker 1: friends who are given the advice that if your relationship's

692
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:11,280
Speaker 1: not working out, have a baby and it will save it.

693
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:14,960
Speaker 1: Terrible It's never made sense to me, because if your

694
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,000
Speaker 1: relationship's not working, now you have another relationship to take

695
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:21,400
Speaker 1: care of, who is a new child, a new human

696
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:23,520
Speaker 1: being in the in the world, And so how are

697
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:25,359
Speaker 1: you You're going to give less attention to each other?

698
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:27,839
Speaker 1: You've already been given no attention. Now you have less

699
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:30,680
Speaker 1: attention to share with each other and more attention on

700
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,520
Speaker 1: this another being. I'm shocked that that advice still gets

701
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,000
Speaker 1: passed around and people still see it as a viable

702
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,120
Speaker 1: solution to a bad relationship. Yeah.

703
00:39:38,239 --> 00:39:40,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, they think of it as like sunk costs, Like

704
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:42,600
Speaker 3: we've been married this long, so we can't we can't

705
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:44,640
Speaker 3: start over, We can't. You know, what do we do

706
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:48,160
Speaker 3: to save this? Let's have a baby because it's a distraction.

707
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,560
Speaker 3: They think like, this will be great, it's exciting, it'll

708
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 3: bring some vitality and energy and a liveness into the relationship,

709
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:57,960
Speaker 3: when if you don't already have that aliveness and that

710
00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:01,040
Speaker 3: vitality between the two of you, So the baby is

711
00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:01,800
Speaker 3: not going.

712
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:03,320
Speaker 4: To provide that for you.

713
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:05,920
Speaker 3: You're going to get a lot of outside attention like, oh,

714
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 3: that's so great, look at the baby. But in reality,

715
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:10,680
Speaker 3: you guys are going to have to be more of

716
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:13,239
Speaker 3: a team than you've ever been and problem solved more

717
00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 3: than you've ever had to, and figure out how to

718
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:19,920
Speaker 3: create connection under much more challenging circumstances. So it's the

719
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:24,719
Speaker 3: most counterintuitive advice. And I always tell people if you

720
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:27,960
Speaker 3: are not solid. Do not bring another person into this family.

721
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:31,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's almost like you already don't have problem solving skills,

722
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:34,360
Speaker 1: you don't have collaboration skills, and now you're having to

723
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:37,840
Speaker 1: make choices on behalf of an entirely new human being

724
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,799
Speaker 1: where the stakes are so high and everything feels like

725
00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:44,279
Speaker 1: it's personal of whether things are going well for the

726
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:44,920
Speaker 1: child or not.

727
00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:47,960
Speaker 3: Well, what happened? Does the Pain Olympics start? And what

728
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:49,200
Speaker 3: I mean is that you know.

729
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,520
Speaker 4: I had the baby all day. I have it harder.

730
00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:52,440
Speaker 4: You didn't do this.

731
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:54,319
Speaker 3: No, I had it harder because I've been at work

732
00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:56,120
Speaker 3: all day and now I have to take over this

733
00:40:56,239 --> 00:40:57,759
Speaker 3: and you didn't have to work all day.

734
00:40:57,920 --> 00:40:58,759
Speaker 4: Whatever it is.

735
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:02,000
Speaker 3: They vie for who who has the most pain, and

736
00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:05,000
Speaker 3: then they compete for it, and that becomes their relationship.

737
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:08,080
Speaker 3: You know, you owe me because I won the Pain

738
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:10,880
Speaker 3: Olympics today. No, you owe me because yesterday I won

739
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:13,680
Speaker 3: the Pain Olympics and I never got my reward, and

740
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:15,399
Speaker 3: that becomes their whole relationship.

741
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:18,279
Speaker 1: Yeah. One of the questions I asked people when they

742
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:20,600
Speaker 1: say to me, like should we have kids now or

743
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:23,400
Speaker 1: is it the right time to have children? I often

744
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 1: say that I think we're asking the wrong question, Like

745
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:28,640
Speaker 1: the question should be do I know how my life

746
00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:31,920
Speaker 1: is going to change? And am I ready for that?

747
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:33,960
Speaker 1: And am I aware of that? And are we aware

748
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:35,520
Speaker 1: of how our life is going to change? To the

749
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 1: point you're making of well, who is going to take

750
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,080
Speaker 1: the responsibility? And am I going to feel like you're

751
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:42,000
Speaker 1: not helping out? And what does that look like? Again,

752
00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:45,160
Speaker 1: having a conversation about it seems like the practical thing

753
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:49,239
Speaker 1: to do. Another relationship that seems to add more complexity

754
00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:52,360
Speaker 1: since the beginning of time is in laws. You mentioned

755
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:54,279
Speaker 1: it earlier that you have clients that come and see

756
00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:56,640
Speaker 1: you for that, the amount of friends of going to recently,

757
00:41:56,680 --> 00:42:00,359
Speaker 1: you have this challenge where they feel that the laws

758
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:03,160
Speaker 1: are too involved, their in laws are not involved, when

759
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:06,120
Speaker 1: their in laws are too involved, they're too controlling of

760
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 1: either or one of the partners, or they have expectations,

761
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:14,319
Speaker 1: they have certain demands on time and holidays and where

762
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,120
Speaker 1: they're spent and all of these kinds of things. What

763
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:21,239
Speaker 1: I've found to be the core pain, again going back

764
00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:26,719
Speaker 1: to our earlier conversation, is people feel their partners' parents

765
00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:34,319
Speaker 1: are to involved, too demanding, too hands on. But they

766
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:37,279
Speaker 1: feel their partner can't stand up to their parents, and

767
00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:39,960
Speaker 1: their partner doesn't understand how it affects them. That's kind

768
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,400
Speaker 1: of where I've seen the main pressure that people are carrying.

769
00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:46,120
Speaker 1: How does someone deal with the fact that they feel

770
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:48,640
Speaker 1: their partner doesn't defend them or stand up for them

771
00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:53,000
Speaker 1: in front of their partner's parents, and therefore they feel

772
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:55,040
Speaker 1: their partner doesn't understand what they're going through.

773
00:42:55,280 --> 00:42:58,360
Speaker 3: I have gotten thousands of letters to my column and

774
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 3: to my podcast about in life, and what I always

775
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:05,360
Speaker 3: say is in law issues are couples issues. So people

776
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:07,719
Speaker 3: think it's about the mother in law the father in law.

777
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:11,320
Speaker 3: It's about the two of you. And if your partner,

778
00:43:11,360 --> 00:43:14,160
Speaker 3: whose parent that is, cannot talk to their parent on

779
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:16,240
Speaker 3: your behalf, that's a couple's issue.

780
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:20,160
Speaker 4: So the person will say, oh, it's really not that bad.

781
00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:23,560
Speaker 3: But if your partner is saying, I am really struggling

782
00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:27,880
Speaker 3: with this and it's not your you know, it's not

783
00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,600
Speaker 3: their parent. You need to talk to your own parent

784
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:33,960
Speaker 3: about this. You need to have your partners back, and

785
00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:36,480
Speaker 3: if you don't, your partner is going to feel that

786
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:40,040
Speaker 3: you are treating them the same way that their parent is.

787
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,080
Speaker 3: You might not be doing the same thing, but the

788
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:44,480
Speaker 3: fact that they don't have your support is going to

789
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,839
Speaker 3: pull you apart in this marriage because your partner, it's

790
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:53,040
Speaker 3: not about taking sides, it's about prioritizing this couple's relationship

791
00:43:53,239 --> 00:43:57,040
Speaker 3: and saying, listen, when you do this, it makes my

792
00:43:57,160 --> 00:43:59,879
Speaker 3: wife feel like she's not a good parent or she's

793
00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:02,520
Speaker 3: not a good wife. And you might have these values, mom,

794
00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:05,360
Speaker 3: and I understand that, but I don't want you saying

795
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:07,839
Speaker 3: those kinds of things. You can have, whatever thoughts you have,

796
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:09,719
Speaker 3: please don't say them to me or to my wife,

797
00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:12,799
Speaker 3: because I'm very happy with our relationship. And what you're

798
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:14,920
Speaker 3: really standing up for is the relationship. It's not just

799
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,680
Speaker 3: standing up for your partner, is standing up for we

800
00:44:17,840 --> 00:44:20,279
Speaker 3: understanding each other. We can talk about these things with

801
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:24,480
Speaker 3: each other, and we do not want that kind of interference.

802
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:26,480
Speaker 1: What do you do when your partner doesn't have the

803
00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:31,359
Speaker 1: guts to do that, When they don't have the authority

804
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:35,120
Speaker 1: or the relationship with their own parents, which is constantly

805
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 1: being they've been babied, they've been you know, the mommy's

806
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:40,280
Speaker 1: boy or whatever it may be, and they don't really

807
00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:43,359
Speaker 1: have the courage to stand up to their parents and

808
00:44:43,360 --> 00:44:47,839
Speaker 1: say what you just said, which isn't rude, it's not mean,

809
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,120
Speaker 1: but in their head they're like, how could I ever

810
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:52,400
Speaker 1: defy my parents? Like what does that look like? Or

811
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:56,080
Speaker 1: or they're guilt tripped like by their parents, where it's

812
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:57,680
Speaker 1: like they're like, I can never do that to my mom,

813
00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:00,480
Speaker 1: like she's loved me since day one. You just turned

814
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:02,920
Speaker 1: up in my life two years ago. What do you

815
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:04,399
Speaker 1: do when your partner is feeling that way?

816
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:05,440
Speaker 7: Yeah, well, I.

817
00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:07,960
Speaker 3: Think you help your partner to understand that this is

818
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,919
Speaker 3: a very loving thing for the relationship with the parent too.

819
00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:14,160
Speaker 3: So you're not telling the parent I don't want you

820
00:45:14,239 --> 00:45:17,480
Speaker 3: in our lives. You're saying I want you in our lives.

821
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:20,000
Speaker 3: We both want you in our lives, but we want

822
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:22,719
Speaker 3: you in our lives in a way that makes us

823
00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:26,560
Speaker 3: feel like we're enjoying our time with you. And if

824
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:28,960
Speaker 3: it becomes this thing where we're not enjoying our time

825
00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:31,040
Speaker 3: with you and it becomes problematic, we're going to be

826
00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:33,719
Speaker 3: spending less time with you, and mom, I don't want that,

827
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,440
Speaker 3: and my wife doesn't want that. We both want to

828
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:39,120
Speaker 3: spend time with you. We just want it to be enjoyable.

829
00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:42,920
Speaker 3: So we're asking that you not talk about this whatever

830
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 3: the issue is, or you not do this, or you

831
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:47,839
Speaker 3: not tell my wife to do this, or you're not criticized,

832
00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:50,120
Speaker 3: because that makes it not enjoyable, and then we're going

833
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:52,640
Speaker 3: to see you less. And we love you so much

834
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,520
Speaker 3: that we feel comfortable saying this to you. If we

835
00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,440
Speaker 3: didn't love you and we didn't care how much we

836
00:45:57,480 --> 00:45:59,680
Speaker 3: saw you, we wouldn't be bringing this up. I'm bringing

837
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 3: this up because I love you and I want to

838
00:46:01,800 --> 00:46:04,839
Speaker 3: be able to see you. And I think when people

839
00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:06,960
Speaker 3: when you set boundaries in a loving way, when you

840
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:09,600
Speaker 3: say I want to see more of you, I want

841
00:46:09,640 --> 00:46:11,839
Speaker 3: to be able to continue to see you. I'm not

842
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,719
Speaker 3: pushing you away. I'm pulling you close. But the way

843
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:16,920
Speaker 3: to pull you close is to make sure that we

844
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:17,920
Speaker 3: have a good time together.

845
00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:21,800
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And I find that sometimes it can be

846
00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 1: different in every relationship, but often this at least and

847
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:27,759
Speaker 1: the people I know, the pressure often falls on the

848
00:46:27,800 --> 00:46:30,160
Speaker 1: man who feels like he's in between his mom and

849
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:33,040
Speaker 1: his wife that in that kind of a setup, or

850
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,719
Speaker 1: at least those are the ones that I'm aware of.

851
00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:38,080
Speaker 1: And I'm sure it has takes all sorts of forms,

852
00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:43,000
Speaker 1: but it's often quite a heavy pressure that I know

853
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:45,560
Speaker 1: a lot of men feel, and they're like, I don't

854
00:46:45,560 --> 00:46:46,880
Speaker 1: want to let my mom down and I don't want

855
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:48,480
Speaker 1: to let my wife down. And now I'm stuck in

856
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:51,160
Speaker 1: between these two things, and it's almost like who do

857
00:46:51,239 --> 00:46:53,160
Speaker 1: I choose? And I feel like I have to choose

858
00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:54,000
Speaker 1: a side, right.

859
00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:56,800
Speaker 3: But you're not choosing, You're actually choosing to bring everyone together.

860
00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:58,759
Speaker 3: You're saying, I want us all to be able to

861
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:02,760
Speaker 3: be together, and so what I'm doing is I'm making

862
00:47:02,800 --> 00:47:05,240
Speaker 3: sure that we can spend more time together.

863
00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:08,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's great advice, and I really hope that reframe

864
00:47:08,640 --> 00:47:11,480
Speaker 1: is kind of you know, permeates one of the things

865
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,359
Speaker 1: I imagine you see a lot in therapy as one

866
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:15,759
Speaker 1: partner has forced the other partner to come there. Maybe

867
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,080
Speaker 1: in couples therapy, it's hard for two people to feel

868
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:21,319
Speaker 1: equally as excited. Maybe if they're premarrit or that may

869
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:24,560
Speaker 1: be more equal, but when it's reactive, it's definitely one

870
00:47:24,600 --> 00:47:26,319
Speaker 1: saying we need to go to therapy, and someone may

871
00:47:26,360 --> 00:47:28,840
Speaker 1: feel forced. One thing I've found that a lot of

872
00:47:28,880 --> 00:47:30,520
Speaker 1: people say to me, Jaed, I just can't get my

873
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,680
Speaker 1: partner to open up, Like whether it's in therapy whether

874
00:47:33,719 --> 00:47:36,879
Speaker 1: it's with me, I'm asking them, I'm talking to them.

875
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:38,200
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I just want to know what you

876
00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:41,040
Speaker 1: feel like, even with the question you said earlier of like, hey,

877
00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:42,799
Speaker 1: I have a dream to get married. What's your take

878
00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:44,840
Speaker 1: on it? And they'll be like I don't know, or

879
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:48,719
Speaker 1: they'll they'll go quiet when it's like, hey, we need

880
00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:50,560
Speaker 1: to go talk to your parents about this because they're

881
00:47:50,560 --> 00:47:52,640
Speaker 1: getting really involved and they just go quiet. They don't

882
00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:55,240
Speaker 1: know what to say, and they constantly feel that these

883
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:59,759
Speaker 1: their partner doesn't have the capacity to open up and

884
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:02,120
Speaker 1: find this, especially with young couples where they're just like,

885
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:05,439
Speaker 1: my partner doesn't have an emotional vocabulary, like they don't

886
00:48:05,480 --> 00:48:08,719
Speaker 1: have the ability. How have you encouraged people in those

887
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:10,880
Speaker 1: scenarios to be able to open up or help their

888
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:14,080
Speaker 1: partners open up or create a safe space when a

889
00:48:14,080 --> 00:48:17,680
Speaker 1: lot of people don't have that skill and that ability

890
00:48:17,719 --> 00:48:20,600
Speaker 1: to actually even know what they're feeling and thinking.

891
00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:23,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, you have to create the space for that person

892
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:27,040
Speaker 3: to feel comfortable opening up. So often people who can't

893
00:48:27,080 --> 00:48:30,120
Speaker 3: open up or have a hard time with it, they

894
00:48:30,280 --> 00:48:32,799
Speaker 3: were not given the space before. So when they opened up,

895
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:35,000
Speaker 3: someone would say, oh, no, you don't feel.

896
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:36,239
Speaker 4: That way, right.

897
00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:38,239
Speaker 3: So when they were growing up, they'd say, you know,

898
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:41,279
Speaker 3: I'm upset about this, or I'm sad about this, and

899
00:48:41,400 --> 00:48:43,400
Speaker 3: the parent would say, no, don't be sad, let's go

900
00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:46,440
Speaker 3: get ice cream. Right, So there was no space for

901
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:50,480
Speaker 3: the sadness. Or I'm really angry about this. Oh, you're overreacting.

902
00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:54,879
Speaker 3: You're so sensitive. So they don't tell someone that they're

903
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:57,239
Speaker 3: angry about something, or I'm really worried about this. Oh,

904
00:48:57,239 --> 00:48:59,800
Speaker 3: don't worry, It'll all work out, or what do you

905
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:01,960
Speaker 3: mean you're worried about that? Why are you always so

906
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:05,000
Speaker 3: worried about everything? So they never felt like they had

907
00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 3: a space for their feelings to be received and held.

908
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:11,520
Speaker 3: We talk about in therapy the concept of feeling felt.

909
00:49:11,840 --> 00:49:13,560
Speaker 3: What does it mean to feel felt? And I love

910
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:16,080
Speaker 3: that expression because I think that when you want someone

911
00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 3: to open up, they want to feel felt.

912
00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:21,480
Speaker 4: They want to know that you're going to receive whatever.

913
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:25,319
Speaker 3: They have to offer in a compassionate way and in

914
00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:28,760
Speaker 3: a way that feels connected. So when you tell someone

915
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:31,000
Speaker 3: tell me what you're feeling, open up, that feels like

916
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:35,200
Speaker 3: so much pressure as opposed to just you know, being

917
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:39,719
Speaker 3: with them. So maybe you start with something like, hey,

918
00:49:39,880 --> 00:49:41,719
Speaker 3: I'm feeling really this about this.

919
00:49:42,480 --> 00:49:44,239
Speaker 4: You know, what was that like for you?

920
00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:47,439
Speaker 3: And they might say it was fine because they don't

921
00:49:47,520 --> 00:49:49,440
Speaker 3: know did you have a good time?

922
00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:49,840
Speaker 1: You know?

923
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:52,960
Speaker 3: Did it make you sad when this happened? It made

924
00:49:52,960 --> 00:49:56,120
Speaker 3: me sad, but maybe you didn't feel that way, you know,

925
00:49:56,280 --> 00:49:57,760
Speaker 3: just just helping them.

926
00:49:57,640 --> 00:49:59,200
Speaker 4: To have the vocabulary.

927
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:02,200
Speaker 3: There's this thing called a feelings wheel, and a lot

928
00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:05,759
Speaker 3: of people only learned like with the colors, the primary colors, right,

929
00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:09,359
Speaker 3: so red, yellow, blue, right, And then if you mix

930
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:11,440
Speaker 3: red and yellow you get orange, and there's more nuance.

931
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:14,440
Speaker 3: And if you put more yellow, it becomes more yellowy orange, right,

932
00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:17,799
Speaker 3: And so people only know like happy, sad, mad, but

933
00:50:17,880 --> 00:50:22,040
Speaker 3: they don't know like I felt frustrated, I felt scared,

934
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:25,719
Speaker 3: I felt vulnerable, I felt anxious. But where did you

935
00:50:25,719 --> 00:50:27,480
Speaker 3: feel the anxiety? Well, I felt it in my belly,

936
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 3: I felt it in my chest right. So there's so

937
00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:33,319
Speaker 3: much nuance. And for people who don't open up, they

938
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:36,399
Speaker 3: often only have those three primary emotions, and then they

939
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:39,400
Speaker 3: don't really know how to describe what they're feeling. So

940
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:41,759
Speaker 3: you can mirror that for them and model that when

941
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:46,040
Speaker 3: you talk about your feelings, like I was really afraid

942
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:49,000
Speaker 3: of that, and I was really angry, but actually, underneath

943
00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:52,239
Speaker 3: the anger with my friend, I was feeling hurt. And

944
00:50:52,280 --> 00:50:54,440
Speaker 3: I realized I was feeling really hurt by her behavior,

945
00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:57,160
Speaker 3: and it seemed like I was angry, but I'm feeling

946
00:50:57,160 --> 00:51:00,560
Speaker 3: really neglected. And so, you know, did you ever feel

947
00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:03,760
Speaker 3: that way? Have you ever felt you know, we whatever

948
00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:05,759
Speaker 3: it is, but it just like it just becomes part

949
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:08,640
Speaker 3: of the air. It's not like, sit down, face me

950
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:10,040
Speaker 3: and tell me how you're feeling.

951
00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:10,759
Speaker 4: Open up to me.

952
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:13,200
Speaker 3: That feels like so much pressure, but it just like

953
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:15,200
Speaker 3: it's in the air. And they've never lived in that

954
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:17,920
Speaker 3: environment before, you have to remember, So it's just this

955
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:21,360
Speaker 3: is a new planet that they've landed on, and here's

956
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:23,200
Speaker 3: it's like a new let's say it's a new city.

957
00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:26,040
Speaker 3: And in this city, we speak a different language and

958
00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:28,759
Speaker 3: we speak in the language of emotion. And they're going

959
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:30,680
Speaker 3: to start to pick up the language bit by bit,

960
00:51:30,719 --> 00:51:32,440
Speaker 3: but they're not going to be fluent right out the

961
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:35,920
Speaker 3: cause they don't say, speak French to me. It's like, oh,

962
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:37,760
Speaker 3: here's this new language. You'll pick up a few words

963
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:38,320
Speaker 3: here and there.

964
00:51:38,480 --> 00:51:43,000
Speaker 1: That's so good. That's such a great visual and analogy

965
00:51:43,080 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 1: like if I turn up in a different city or

966
00:51:44,600 --> 00:51:47,120
Speaker 1: a different country and someone just expected me to know

967
00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:49,480
Speaker 1: how to speak that language, I would feel so much pressure.

968
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:51,680
Speaker 1: And actually we've all experienced that. We're like, I don't

969
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:53,319
Speaker 1: even want to try and say a sentence yea, I

970
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:56,560
Speaker 1: feel I'm going to sound so stupid. It's that comfortability,

971
00:51:56,600 --> 00:51:59,000
Speaker 1: and that could take a while. Love isn't supposed to

972
00:51:59,040 --> 00:52:03,080
Speaker 1: be easy, and it doesn't survive on perfection. It survives

973
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:07,880
Speaker 1: on truth. It deepens when you stop performing and start practicing.

974
00:52:08,520 --> 00:52:13,040
Speaker 1: Strong relationships aren't found, they're built. So whether you're ealing

975
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:18,560
Speaker 1: from betrayal, navigating change, or building something new, always start

976
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:22,839
Speaker 1: with honesty and it's okay if yours looks different each

977
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:27,319
Speaker 1: and everyone does. All that matters is that it's real.

978
00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:30,600
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my

979
00:52:30,719 --> 00:52:35,000
Speaker 1: conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens up on how

980
00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:38,279
Speaker 1: to stay with your partner when they're changing and the

981
00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:41,759
Speaker 1: four check ins you should be doing in your relationship.

982
00:52:42,080 --> 00:52:44,920
Speaker 1: We also talk about how to deal with relationships when

983
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:48,080
Speaker 1: they're under stress. If you're going through something right now

984
00:52:48,120 --> 00:52:51,160
Speaker 1: with your partner or someone you're seeing. This is the

985
00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:52,040
Speaker 1: episode for you.

986
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:55,319
Speaker 5: Now wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new

987
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:59,320
Speaker 5: technology and we've just taken it in Hookline and Sinker.

988
00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:03,160
Speaker 5: Have to be mindful for our kids. They'll just be

989
00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:07,040
Speaker 5: thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's never sleeping.