Speaker 1: This episode discusses stories of domestic abuse. If you are
Speaker 1: a loved one needs help, contact the National Domestic Violence
Speaker 1: Hotline at eight hundred seven nine nine seven two three
Speaker 1: three or text start to eight eight eight eight, or
Speaker 1: visit the hotline dot org. Hey y'all, Hey, what's up?
Speaker 1: And welcome to Let's Red Table that I'm Tracy t
Speaker 1: Row and I'm Calledra Pressley. Listen. Like the rest of
Speaker 1: the season, we are back to the tough topics and
Speaker 1: have a pretty tough episode ahead of us today. But
Speaker 1: I'm still feeling successful about it. How are you feeling, Tracy?
Speaker 1: You know what, I'm happy to hear that you're successful.
Speaker 1: You know I am. I am grateful. I am everyday
Speaker 1: amazing of course, but also grateful because we're talking about
Speaker 1: domestic violence and this upcoming episode that we're going to
Speaker 1: talk about has some hard hitting stuff in it, Like
Speaker 1: she all went through it and then it was just her,
Speaker 1: It was her mom, her sister and all the other
Speaker 1: family members that we didn't talk about being in a
Speaker 1: position where you go through something, when you're in a unit,
Speaker 1: when you go through it, everybody goes through it, whether
Speaker 1: you know they're going through it or not right, and
Speaker 1: so to have them at the table and to be
Speaker 1: able to share that and be in support of Shia
Speaker 1: was really positive. They let shea have her space at
Speaker 1: the table first, just come on out here, tell your story,
Speaker 1: not just a Shaunty's little sister led by a shanty,
Speaker 1: and then the mom and then this is They just
Speaker 1: let her have her moment at the table to really
Speaker 1: relate and really just get it out in her way.
Speaker 1: It's super therapeutic. That's why I'm excited about our guest
Speaker 1: today as well. We get to talk to someone who's
Speaker 1: also gone through it because it's a different experience. It's
Speaker 1: you're always on the outside looking in. And I fortunately
Speaker 1: have not had to experience something as physical as what
Speaker 1: everyone has. I've dealt with someone verbally abusive. I mean
Speaker 1: that of course has levels to it, verbal abusive teacher
Speaker 1: or coach to actual partner, but of course that physical
Speaker 1: hits another level. So I'm gonna tell you something, And
Speaker 1: we haven't had a lot of opportunity to talk about abuse,
Speaker 1: but Cara, so many people have had physical, emotional, and
Speaker 1: verbal abuse in their life. And I am no exception. Okay,
Speaker 1: I was in a relationship forever and ever ago, and
Speaker 1: it was physical, and I remember that it wasn't as
Speaker 1: violent as what we saw on this episode, but it
Speaker 1: was violent enough for me and for me to have
Speaker 1: not immediately left. And like Sia and like so many others,
Speaker 1: I didn't tell my family. I shielded and protected the abuser,
Speaker 1: and I did get to a point. It didn't take
Speaker 1: me seven times, but I did get to a point
Speaker 1: where I left, And that was really the catalyst for
Speaker 1: me leaving Michigan and moving back to Memphis, in addition
Speaker 1: to being able to support my dad through some health issues.
Speaker 1: But it was a fantastic opportunity. Okay, But I want
Speaker 1: you to know it got to the point for me
Speaker 1: where it was literally either I'm gonna go to jail
Speaker 1: or I'm going to go to the more listen, and
Speaker 1: I need more than four walls, Okay. So I appreciate
Speaker 1: that you decided that you didn't like eat any of
Speaker 1: those four walls situations, it was time to go. And
Speaker 1: so I completely empathize with Shia and all of the
Speaker 1: other people, and including our guest today. You just think
Speaker 1: about it could happen to anybody. Yes, nobody's exempt. That's
Speaker 1: the interesting part because I am happy we have the
Speaker 1: guest today because more people do need to share their
Speaker 1: story so that you know that you're not alone out there.
Speaker 1: You know so many people who think that they're alone.
Speaker 1: I don't care if you gotta speed and ticket this morning.
Speaker 1: You think you're alone and you're the only one and
Speaker 1: the world's picking on you. But I promise you're not alone,
Speaker 1: and we're really here to help each other. So I
Speaker 1: had an opportunity to sit down. I had dinner with
Speaker 1: the abuser some year years after the fact. I did
Speaker 1: because I had to. It was a healing process for me.
Speaker 1: But I also realized that I had to let go
Speaker 1: of some unforgiveness because I was holding onto it and
Speaker 1: it was just like the baggage that I was carrying
Speaker 1: when I was in the midst of it, right, and
Speaker 1: I let go of it, and I had to say, look,
Speaker 1: I want to apologize for my part in this toxicity.
Speaker 1: I want to forgive you and know that I played
Speaker 1: a part in this, whatever the part was, even if
Speaker 1: it was just being the victim of it. And I
Speaker 1: know people are gonna say, what do you mean you apologize,
Speaker 1: But I'm saying for me, you understand what I'm saying
Speaker 1: that it was to let me off the hook emotionally,
Speaker 1: to say, Okay, I'm not only healed from it physically,
Speaker 1: I'm healing from it emotionally and I can release you
Speaker 1: and surrender my unforgiveness of it. And we don't really
Speaker 1: talk about that. And the great criscept Michelle made one
Speaker 1: song that talked about it. Blame it on said, blame
Speaker 1: it on me, please. I felt that's a in my spirit.
Speaker 1: I did not have a final dinner. I didn't have
Speaker 1: a last supper. I applaud your last supper, but baby,
Speaker 1: I said, blame it on me, and I left another
Speaker 1: looked back. So I understand the need for that closure,
Speaker 1: not to do thing. It looks different for all of us.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna tell you what it looks Okay, can
Speaker 1: we talk about it? And looks different for the person
Speaker 1: I was web to let me tell you what. Carl.
Speaker 1: She had to nerve to tell me what do you
Speaker 1: mean see? And I was like, hanckle, Jacqueline, how are
Speaker 1: you talking about? We're we're in the same chad. We're
Speaker 1: fighting in the closet, fighting the bedroom, fighting in the
Speaker 1: dining room, fighting the living room. You're talking about you
Speaker 1: don't know. So see this goes back to what we're
Speaker 1: talking about. These people who are narcissistic, they just have
Speaker 1: these blackouts, and let's talk about let's be honest, Like
Speaker 1: I think there are a lot of people who enter
Speaker 1: a relationship with a certain ideal absolutely and then we never,
Speaker 1: of course, until we never think about, well, how did
Speaker 1: you grow up? Are you used to violence? Abuse, loud noises,
Speaker 1: I don't know, like to sit in silence sometimes? Right,
Speaker 1: it literally could go from eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Speaker 1: to a person who's one meal a day, like something
Speaker 1: so small a nuance of how we just maybe are
Speaker 1: not in alignment. Of course, it's a drastic distance when
Speaker 1: we're really talking about this domestic violence and abuse, right, um,
Speaker 1: but still there are differences. Yet I shared that not
Speaker 1: only to be fully transparent and let the listeners know.
Speaker 1: So y'all hear me, beautiful, bright future, positive, sunny outlook.
Speaker 1: Happy to support other people. I do it as a
Speaker 1: business now to help people affirm themselves. But I was
Speaker 1: in that thing. See, I was in that thing. And
Speaker 1: she a beautiful, talented she, but she was in it.
Speaker 1: And so it happens to all of us, and she
Speaker 1: did get her moment. She did get her moment at
Speaker 1: the table, and I was grateful for that. And being
Speaker 1: the sister you mentioned this, being the sister of someone
Speaker 1: who's a superstar celebrity like Ashanti had his own challenges.
Speaker 1: That part. She mentioned that she tapped into it at
Speaker 1: the table of just I didn't even realize because Number
Speaker 1: one Foolish, that whole album, it was self titled Ashanti,
Speaker 1: but the Foolish was a song on that album that
Speaker 1: came out. I'll never forget because I had just had
Speaker 1: my son, but I didn't realize her sister was thirteen.
Speaker 1: I remember her sister speaking on the album and talking
Speaker 1: and I was just like, wow, Tom has definitely passed us.
Speaker 1: Let me just do a quick shout out to Jada,
Speaker 1: Gamby and Willow season five, y'all have taught us some
Speaker 1: stuff this season. Do we not have some turns? We
Speaker 1: got all the language. I can see me now my
Speaker 1: next relationship, like number one, you will not gas like me.
Speaker 1: No love, no love bombing, no breadcrumbing, no dumping. There's
Speaker 1: so many phrases, but baby, we're gonna be healed and
Speaker 1: whole moving forward right and we're happy that she is
Speaker 1: in the process of her own healing and wholeness journey.
Speaker 1: To shout out to you, Shia and for your support
Speaker 1: from your beautiful mother and sister Ashanti. And I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say this, I'm grateful that they went to therapy. That
Speaker 1: she said that the four of them went to therapy,
Speaker 1: and that was something. Remember Ashanti was like, oh no,
Speaker 1: but I love that. She said, but my sister ain't good,
Speaker 1: so this is good for her, It's gonna be good
Speaker 1: for me. Like that is the part two that people
Speaker 1: need to understand. And family like said, I'm fine, we know,
Speaker 1: but I love that she said, maybe let me just
Speaker 1: go anyway. Yeah, as a family, as a whole unit.
Speaker 1: She got the support she needed and that's what so
Speaker 1: many other people want, is the support. So bravo to them,
Speaker 1: Bravo to the Douglas family. Now it's time to share
Speaker 1: with our online Red Table Talk community has to say
Speaker 1: about this episode. Candice Denis said, as a domestic abuse survivor,
Speaker 1: I can't describe the feeling I have watching this. I
Speaker 1: pray for her continuous healing and spreading her story. I
Speaker 1: love that because healing is definitely ongoing in this situation.
Speaker 1: So thank you Kadis Steph Beaten, thank you for your
Speaker 1: comment and all the love and support you said. My
Speaker 1: beautiful daughter has just come through the same kind of
Speaker 1: trauma and it has devastated our little family, but we
Speaker 1: are standing strong and united. We are a long way
Speaker 1: off fixed, but we are headed in a positive direction now.
Speaker 1: Big love from Australia, our t t family, Big love
Speaker 1: right back to you. We love that and see the
Speaker 1: truly people all over the world, over the world listening.
Speaker 1: We appreciate y'all last, but certainly not least. Danielle Langford said,
Speaker 1: I wish there was a therapist at the table to
Speaker 1: offer hope and resolutions for those watching needing help now.
Speaker 1: So sorry she experienced such trauma. Listen, we are all
Speaker 1: sorry that. I think anytime we hear stories to this magnitude,
Speaker 1: we all wish we could save them or fix them.
Speaker 1: But I just need y'all know it's hoping help on
Speaker 1: the other side. But your comment it was and it
Speaker 1: would have been great to have had a therapist perspective
Speaker 1: just to kind of support them through that and then
Speaker 1: to help us through it because there are other people
Speaker 1: who are learning as they go with the table with
Speaker 1: every episode, we're gonna take a quick break, but when
Speaker 1: we get back, we'll be joined by our incredible guests
Speaker 1: from the Red Tabletop community. We're excited to welcome Jenny
Speaker 1: Bean to Let's Red table Back. Although I'm super excited
Speaker 1: because she is someone I personally know the topic with
Speaker 1: which we're discussing, is not that excited because Jenny, like Sheia,
Speaker 1: is a domestic violence survivor, and she's here today to
Speaker 1: share her story and help others who have experienced or
Speaker 1: who are experiencing this now feel less alone and less ashamed,
Speaker 1: because domestic violence is never the fault of the victim.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here with us and
Speaker 1: being willing to share your story, and welcome again to
Speaker 1: the Let's Red table Back Virtual table. Jenny, Thank you.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Car and Tracy for having me.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to be here. We're excited to have
Speaker 1: you here. This is the part of the show where
Speaker 1: we reveal which moments made us pause, rewind and listen again. Wait, wait,
Speaker 1: and there were on this episode that we're gonna get into.
Speaker 1: I know we're gonna help somebody as we get into
Speaker 1: these let me just jump into it. This is probably
Speaker 1: one of the most powerful moments when she had called
Speaker 1: herself irresponsible for going back to her abuser, and Jada
Speaker 1: gam and Willow all stopped and corrected her. Prior to this,
Speaker 1: I had had a miscarriage, and so it was I
Speaker 1: believe a play on my mind because I wanted to
Speaker 1: had a child and have a family. Looking back, it
Speaker 1: was irresponsible on my behalf. She When we love people,
Speaker 1: we really want to believe that they can change. Don't
Speaker 1: beat yourself up for that. Listen. This was an important
Speaker 1: reminder that everyone's story is more complicated than we might think,
Speaker 1: and it's never okay to victim blame. Bless her heart.
Speaker 1: How did y'all feel about that? I think I feel
Speaker 1: what she's saying, but irresponsible. I feel like it's more
Speaker 1: maybe like shame or shameful that you went back, And
Speaker 1: I feel like that's why Jada again and Willow stopped here, like,
Speaker 1: don't call yourself irresponsible or don't even blame. Did you
Speaker 1: did you feel like maybe when you were in your
Speaker 1: situation before you you know how they say hi insight
Speaker 1: while you were in it, were you even blaming yourself
Speaker 1: for making excuses? And then you got away and we're like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I was right. I knew I should
Speaker 1: have moved in this direction, and now I know, like,
Speaker 1: as they say, when you know better, do better. Did
Speaker 1: you feel that at all? I think it's hard in
Speaker 1: the moment you're blinded. I don't know that I blamed
Speaker 1: myself initially, but the more your nic domestic violence always
Speaker 1: comes with manipulation. Also, you justify or you rationalize, like, Okay,
Speaker 1: maybe if I had done something differently, or maybe if
Speaker 1: I didn't do this, it wouldn't have triggered that, or
Speaker 1: it wouldn't provoked that. I shouldn't have said this to
Speaker 1: keep it going. I'm a woman and this is a
Speaker 1: grown man older than me, and I wasn't going to
Speaker 1: accept blame for his actions. But I justified or tried
Speaker 1: to rationalize why he did what he did and what
Speaker 1: my part in it was. The other way. What moments
Speaker 1: was when she has shared that her abuser not to
Speaker 1: teeth out. After she simply asked like, what are you
Speaker 1: doing coming home at seven o'clock, he gas lighted her.
Speaker 1: I kind of came came back to and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I see the blood, and I was in so much shock. Like,
Speaker 1: it's like, it's unthinkable. It's unthinkable. It's like you you
Speaker 1: hit me, you you broke my teeth. And he was like, no,
Speaker 1: I didn't know. I didn't you. You hit your face
Speaker 1: on the railing, You hit your face. I pushed you
Speaker 1: and you hit you. So in that moment, he was
Speaker 1: trying to manipulate what even had occurred. And a lot
Speaker 1: of what we've learned this gas lighting goes hand in
Speaker 1: hand with this. So when you say that you weren't
Speaker 1: trying to justify it, but you were trying to rationalize
Speaker 1: and reason with it. What amount of gas lighting do
Speaker 1: you think played a part in that? So you can't
Speaker 1: do one without the other, right, I don't feel like
Speaker 1: you can be a victim of just the violent part.
Speaker 1: You're also a victim of the mental and the emotional
Speaker 1: part as well. By the physical abuse is what sticks
Speaker 1: out the most. So oddly enough, I too actually have
Speaker 1: had my front teeth knocked out and not completely but
Speaker 1: broken in half. For the abuser it's physical, but for
Speaker 1: the victim it is physical, but more than anything is
Speaker 1: again the mental and emotional. So the gas lighting is
Speaker 1: what is like the bull constructor around you that makes
Speaker 1: you tolerate the physical, because the physical will heal. I
Speaker 1: got a new bottom teeth, right, it goes away. But
Speaker 1: you replay the mental, You replay the emotional, you replay
Speaker 1: the words, you replay that part of it. It could
Speaker 1: be a simple question with no tone to your voice,
Speaker 1: no attitude, no neck world, no I roll while you're
Speaker 1: saying it. You approach them as if they're actually somebody
Speaker 1: worthy to be approached because you're already on eggshells. And
Speaker 1: nine times out of tenants because she was right, or
Speaker 1: it's because she called him on his bs, or because
Speaker 1: she saw through the gas lighting and had something to
Speaker 1: say about it, or the question was going to have
Speaker 1: to require an honest answer, and instead they deflect. And
Speaker 1: that was the deflection because what she's gonna say now,
Speaker 1: she's got a teeth knocked out and she saw down
Speaker 1: in hit her head. Didn't do that to the conversation
Speaker 1: is over anything to take it off of them, And
Speaker 1: that completely ends the question, right, and yeah, and there
Speaker 1: is no conversation. That's all that was said. That was it,
Speaker 1: And then I met you. She won't ask him again,
Speaker 1: and then guess what that allows him to come home
Speaker 1: at seven am again because last time she asked, why
Speaker 1: are you coming home? At seven? She knows what happened.
Speaker 1: She has a daily reminder, a mental and emotional scar
Speaker 1: of a reminder, and she won't ask no more. Going
Speaker 1: to this last wait, what she has said that she
Speaker 1: doesn't use the language of victim and survivor anymore. And
Speaker 1: I think that's like a way she's trying to reclaim
Speaker 1: her own power. It feels like to me, I wanted
Speaker 1: she wants to change the narrative or direct the narrative,
Speaker 1: and maybe even not saying she's like the other survivors
Speaker 1: or victims. I think she just wants to be transparent
Speaker 1: for her stories. It's interesting that you don't want to
Speaker 1: use the word victim and survivor because I look at
Speaker 1: it like this, So when you're labeling yourself as a
Speaker 1: victim or survivor, in order for you to truly heal,
Speaker 1: you have to detach from that narrative that this was
Speaker 1: an experience that's taught me. This is an experience that
Speaker 1: I've now risen above. So you're taking your power back
Speaker 1: in that way. Jenny, what terms do you feel are
Speaker 1: the truest or which terms empower you? Being someone who
Speaker 1: has also gone through a similar situation. I spent a decade,
Speaker 1: an entire decade, from the time I was seventeen until
Speaker 1: twenty seven with the same parson, the same abusic. I
Speaker 1: have two children with him that are teenagers. Now, I
Speaker 1: just really came through a whole ten years of some
Speaker 1: really tragic things. That is not for the week, but
Speaker 1: to agree with she, I have never been like, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm a domestic violence survivor. I am a victim of
Speaker 1: domestic violence. I have shared my story and I have
Speaker 1: talked openly about it. I have absolutely no shame and
Speaker 1: what happened to me and how long I stayed and
Speaker 1: what I tolerated or I left and went Literally what
Speaker 1: fit the statistics of you leave seven times before you
Speaker 1: stay gone? I left and went back eight times. I
Speaker 1: don't like the terms honestly, victim or survivor because I
Speaker 1: feel like that enables people to look at you like
Speaker 1: the sympathy. No, I totally get that that you want
Speaker 1: to you identify that it was ten years in your
Speaker 1: life's journey, but it was not the same total of
Speaker 1: your life. Let's continue to talk about this whole episode
Speaker 1: as a whole. I know we talked about some pieces
Speaker 1: and moments, but overall, what did you think of this episode?
Speaker 1: How did you guys feel about it? I can tell
Speaker 1: you I have a lot of respect for women that
Speaker 1: are open and are vulnerable to share their experiences with
Speaker 1: domestic violence. I am grateful that it was at the
Speaker 1: table because it's important for people to see that even
Speaker 1: though you may be the sister of or the person
Speaker 1: connected to a celebrity, or that you're living some kind
Speaker 1: of lifestyle that people think on the outside end, you
Speaker 1: can have horrible traumas happening to you. I honestly feel
Speaker 1: like one it's not openly spoken on enough and regular
Speaker 1: everyday call ver stations. I feel like women are timid
Speaker 1: to bring it up. And I'll be honest, it took
Speaker 1: me a long time, and it took me, I think,
Speaker 1: just life experiences to develop kind of the confidence or
Speaker 1: mindset and attitude that this is what happened to me,
Speaker 1: because I was embarrassed and I was ashamed because anyone
Speaker 1: and everyone who has not gone through it, if someone
Speaker 1: knocked your teeth out, you're calling them off. It's not
Speaker 1: the same with your love or your spouse and your partners.
Speaker 1: I want to know more about what's happened. You started day,
Speaker 1: you said, from seventeen to seven. So you started day
Speaker 1: in your X when you were seventeen and you were
Speaker 1: together for that full decade. When did the abuse begin?
Speaker 1: And what point did you realize you were being abused?
Speaker 1: So at seventeen, I'm he was five years older than me.
Speaker 1: I moved away to go to college. And when I
Speaker 1: moved away to go to college, he was totally separate
Speaker 1: from what I was used to or what I had
Speaker 1: gone up around what I had been used to, just
Speaker 1: like wood me off my feet because he was a
Speaker 1: little bit older, he kind of knew what to do,
Speaker 1: he knew what to say. He was very smooth, very
Speaker 1: much to play with it, and it was it just
Speaker 1: like you were so deep before you really knew it.
Speaker 1: And during that time frame there was no physical abuse,
Speaker 1: there was no none of that going on. His charming
Speaker 1: and love bombing you and just very much yea similar
Speaker 1: to like narcissic behavior. You know what we found. I mean,
Speaker 1: just from this season alone for Red Table Talk, Jenny,
Speaker 1: so many people have an underlying common denominator of narcissism.
Speaker 1: So at what point did the abuse start? How many
Speaker 1: years in probably about six months. What was Do you
Speaker 1: remember what the first incident was? So it doesn't start
Speaker 1: off like super tough, right, So we were actually like
Speaker 1: hanging out with friends at their apartment. It was kind
Speaker 1: of like a college town and stuff like that. I
Speaker 1: was in college, and so he brought his friends and
Speaker 1: cousin and then I had too my girlfriends with me,
Speaker 1: and so we're just a group hanging out and so
Speaker 1: one on one. I couldn't honestly tell you what instigated
Speaker 1: the issue. I can't remember, I truly can't, But I
Speaker 1: remember specifically him asking like can he talk to me,
Speaker 1: and pulling me to aside in one of the rooms
Speaker 1: in the home, and when he got in there, he
Speaker 1: shut the door and then he just smacked the life
Speaker 1: out of me to where I just fell to the ground.
Speaker 1: Didn't say anything right away, didn't tell me what the
Speaker 1: issue was, didn't I mean, I was caught so off guard.
Speaker 1: I had never had hands laid on me before ever,
Speaker 1: and so I was so overwhelmed and so shocked, and
Speaker 1: it was like I froze. I was so numb, like
Speaker 1: smacked me hard enough to knock me to the ground,
Speaker 1: and I didn't know. I didn't know how to react.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to think of what to say.
Speaker 1: And I remember being on the floor just like curling
Speaker 1: myself up and bawling because my for one, it did her.
Speaker 1: I had never been hit like that before in my face,
Speaker 1: and I just remember being like scared to the pit
Speaker 1: of my stomach. He waited a minute and then got
Speaker 1: down on the ground with me and held me and
Speaker 1: consoled me. I was like, I'm so sorry. You made me.
Speaker 1: You made me, Yeah, this is what happened. You made
Speaker 1: me mad. It was because I was talking too much.
Speaker 1: So one of the dudes that he brought with him
Speaker 1: and so or that's what his excuse was for it,
Speaker 1: and he overreacted and he's sorry and he loves me,
Speaker 1: and so then I was like, oh, so he was
Speaker 1: jealous of me talking to someone else. He does love me,
Speaker 1: he does care about me. I've never had anyone get
Speaker 1: so angry with me over talking to someone else. And
Speaker 1: so I was like, in a sick way, took it
Speaker 1: as like flattering, right, absolutely, And I even want you
Speaker 1: to say in a way, just like the moment at
Speaker 1: the table, like you loved him. That was it. And
Speaker 1: he was abusing that that privilege. You know, it's a
Speaker 1: privilege to to love on each other, and unfortunately he
Speaker 1: knew how to manipulate it. This might be a perfect
Speaker 1: time to tax me talk a little bit about what
Speaker 1: did you envision your future with your ex to look
Speaker 1: like I was gonna love him through his hurdles and
Speaker 1: his habits, and then we would look back on it
Speaker 1: someday like, oh, we made it through so much right.
Speaker 1: And so I kept holding on to that delusional fantasy
Speaker 1: even through ten years that he was going to change,
Speaker 1: and it didn't change. It got worse. So it went
Speaker 1: from a slap on the face to me actually having
Speaker 1: to go to Alter and Support to buy tattoo cover
Speaker 1: up makeup to cover the bruises on my face to
Speaker 1: go to work, or the bruises on my neck to
Speaker 1: go to work, or having to call in because my
Speaker 1: jaw was who swollen to go to work. I am
Speaker 1: glad that you are out of that situation. Is a
Speaker 1: part of your story. Tell us what your future looks
Speaker 1: like now that you are a part What dreams do
Speaker 1: you have for your future self? And what dreams are
Speaker 1: you accomplishing. I don't know if you had told me
Speaker 1: I was as far as I am now doing what
Speaker 1: I'm doing now, I would have probably laughed because I
Speaker 1: didn't think that I was capable of doing more and
Speaker 1: doing better because again, and I keep referring to it,
Speaker 1: the mental and emotional last with you, right, I just
Speaker 1: had a and I'm not going to lie to you.
Speaker 1: I am actively seeking therapy from a specialized therapist in
Speaker 1: this area because what happens is it's like a chemical disregulation.
Speaker 1: And so, after so many years of the trauma, whether
Speaker 1: it's physical, emotional, mental, sexual, whatever it is, your nervous
Speaker 1: system become so disregulated. It is literally like you are
Speaker 1: a drug addict. And so you get so addicted to
Speaker 1: the disregulation and the dysfunction that if it is not chaos,
Speaker 1: and if it is not suffering or painful, you feel
Speaker 1: like something is off, which is the opposite of how
Speaker 1: we're intended to live. And so, and your body remembers
Speaker 1: the trauma, it holds it, and it shifts you. It
Speaker 1: alters you. Posturing forward to just you talking took some
Speaker 1: of the stigma away from being able to talk to
Speaker 1: people that have had this kind of experience because you're
Speaker 1: so free with it, normalize not being okay. It is
Speaker 1: okay to not be okay. It will not define your future.
Speaker 1: It does not dictate your future, and it's something on
Speaker 1: the other side, and it is always, always something on
Speaker 1: the other side. Always. I think that that is the
Speaker 1: ultimate way to finish this, to know that it is
Speaker 1: okay not to be okay. That's phenomenal, Jenny, that's phenomenal.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: We're gonna take a short break right now, and when
Speaker 1: we return, we'll welcome a mental health expert for our
Speaker 1: mental health moment. We are back with another vitally important
Speaker 1: mental health moments today we get to welcome someone I've
Speaker 1: been a fan of for some time, Alice Gresham. Alice
Speaker 1: runs an outpatient mental health department as well as her
Speaker 1: own mental health consulting firm. She's a therapist, trauma interventionist, consultant, speaker,
Speaker 1: and the reason I know her a TikTok creator. Alice
Speaker 1: is on a mission to normalize therapy for our black
Speaker 1: and brown communities, and we are thrilled she is with
Speaker 1: us today to help further that cause. Thank you, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us at the virtual
Speaker 1: Red Table today. Alice, Thank you I'm delighted to be
Speaker 1: a guest, and yeah, we gotta get folks in tune
Speaker 1: with how to get healed because I can be all
Speaker 1: these queens be broken down. I'm like, wa, ain't got
Speaker 1: no more time? Come on. That's exactly right. You said
Speaker 1: in a recent TikTok video that we do not have
Speaker 1: to respond to everyone's expectation that we show up to
Speaker 1: holiday events and entertain our family members. You were talking
Speaker 1: about Thanksgiving, but I'm looking ahead to Christmas and all
Speaker 1: the gatherings of my family will want to have. How
Speaker 1: do we turn down the invites or set boundaries without
Speaker 1: hurting our family or worshyet starting an argument. I think
Speaker 1: it's an important question for this season because primarily depression
Speaker 1: is up. So it's a time of year where we're
Speaker 1: supposed to be around those who love us and maybe
Speaker 1: those who raised us. But for everyone that isn't a
Speaker 1: great experience. So many of us go through holidays in
Speaker 1: a performative way and really don't have a wonderful time
Speaker 1: because they're our folks around who basically trying to dig
Speaker 1: into our business and always have something called especially the
Speaker 1: Old Lady Gang, you know who they are, all the aunties,
Speaker 1: who can't you know? You should? Did you can? Girl?
Speaker 1: Did you guys away? Are you married yet? So we
Speaker 1: want to minimize those kinds of experiences, especially if you're
Speaker 1: on a healing journey, and the way to do that
Speaker 1: is to set some boundaries about where you will and
Speaker 1: will not go and what you will and will not answer.
Speaker 1: If you choose to go to these family events, you
Speaker 1: have every right to decide not to go and instead
Speaker 1: focus on self care. And if you do go and
Speaker 1: you are a people pleaser or an introvert, there are
Speaker 1: plenty of ways to smile and laugh off a question
Speaker 1: and to he on into the next room. I like it.
Speaker 1: I love he took next room. Good. Now take that tip.
Speaker 1: That's good right there, Listen, I love it. If I
Speaker 1: don't want to answer that, I just said, I don't
Speaker 1: think that's my ministry to answer that. I have no problem,
Speaker 1: So that is right, Alice, Listen. I'm completely on board
Speaker 1: with your message of taking time to rest to during
Speaker 1: the holidays because napping is my ministry. I have dames, Okay,
Speaker 1: I know how to take a nap and then is
Speaker 1: not a waiver during these holidays. I'm gonna take my nap,
Speaker 1: But there are other kinds of rest besides the physical,
Speaker 1: like mental and sensory. So can you share what the
Speaker 1: different types of rest are and how we can identify
Speaker 1: which type of rest we need when we feel tired. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's an excellent question to One of the primary ways
Speaker 1: to get rest is to learn how to set boundaries
Speaker 1: using the word no. Because we're superwomen and we have
Speaker 1: to respond yes to almost everything that we're asked. Or
Speaker 1: whomever does request help or a favor, or girl, would
Speaker 1: you cover this for me? We feel obligated to do
Speaker 1: it just because we can. But I would describe to
Speaker 1: people three ways in which you can use a boundary
Speaker 1: to get yourself some rest. And one is to say
Speaker 1: simply no, thank you, I don't think I'll be coming
Speaker 1: this year. No, I don't believe that's gonna be for me.
Speaker 1: And then the third, which is my favorite, is BITCHA
Speaker 1: said no. Sometimes you got to call it. Everybody doesn't
Speaker 1: have the same communication style and you have to feel
Speaker 1: everybody right. I love it in the true form that
Speaker 1: is Alice all things. I was waiting for it. I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, well, you know how some people miss
Speaker 1: the social cues the first time. So the most direct
Speaker 1: way was number three. D. If they don't get that,
Speaker 1: it's just time to turn around and walk away. Right Listen,
Speaker 1: women know like because sometimes we just keep going and going.
Speaker 1: What are some tell tale signs to let a woman know,
Speaker 1: you know what you actually need to get some rest?
Speaker 1: How we know men and women to write cars everybody
Speaker 1: everybody needed now. So I like to describe the pebble, brick,
Speaker 1: and the house methods. So the pebble is when you
Speaker 1: feel a little bit rundown and you decide maybe you
Speaker 1: need to just stay in your jammie's on a Saturday
Speaker 1: and watch Netflix or whatever because you're feeling a little rundown.
Speaker 1: But if you ignore that and you continue to do
Speaker 1: laundry and housework and go pick up this and do this,
Speaker 1: and take care of uncle so and so and anti
Speaker 1: such and such, then the brick will come, which is
Speaker 1: usually a flu or a cold or in this case,
Speaker 1: your second round of COVID as the way to tell
Speaker 1: you you're doing too much. You are only human and
Speaker 1: so you need some rest. And then the third, of course,
Speaker 1: is the house. And some of us are already experiencing that,
Speaker 1: which is really sort of the symptoms of long COVID
Speaker 1: that have stayed with you because your immune system has
Speaker 1: been depressed for so long. When you got hit with
Speaker 1: the first round, it couldn't rebound in the way that
Speaker 1: it does for some people. So now many of us
Speaker 1: are down with long COVID and those unusual bothersome concerning symptoms.
Speaker 1: So you make a decision to sit down before you
Speaker 1: fall down. That's good because I'm gonna tell you something.
Speaker 1: I had a pebble moment Sunday. I had a pebble
Speaker 1: moment Sunday where I was like, Okay, I'm feel a
Speaker 1: little tired. I got a lot of stuff that I
Speaker 1: could do, but I stayed in the bed. I was
Speaker 1: like after bed, and so I didn't know it was
Speaker 1: a pebble brick or a house because I've been at
Speaker 1: house mode and it's not what you So when you learn,
Speaker 1: you don't want to do the house anymore. I remember
Speaker 1: I heard Oprah describe some things using that metaphor a
Speaker 1: long time ago, and at this point in my life,
Speaker 1: I'll respond to all pebbles. So you know, if I
Speaker 1: have a headache that stays around too long, that makes
Speaker 1: take some time off. If I have indigestive disorders, which
Speaker 1: occurred when we have a lot of anxiety and stress.
Speaker 1: I also, does anybody else get this like lump in
Speaker 1: the sign of their neck? My goodness, yet you can
Speaker 1: feel literally feel literally kill it. And I'm gonna tell
Speaker 1: you that pebble, I get massage out. I go every
Speaker 1: loving get a therapy. Yeah, so things like that, creating
Speaker 1: a regular massige schedule. One of the things I've done
Speaker 1: recently is to redo my bedroom to be surrounded by
Speaker 1: all things luxury girl. I'll bout one of them hotel mrs. Yes,
Speaker 1: luxury roma. I have a new life every time I
Speaker 1: come home and take off my shoes and put on
Speaker 1: my pajamas and hit that little Mr Nice. Okay, that
Speaker 1: sounds like we'll take care of us. Car and I
Speaker 1: were just talking about some of the things that we
Speaker 1: can do for self care. Car. You were talking about
Speaker 1: getting a steamer for your face. But I think we
Speaker 1: need to upgrade and do a mister for the bedroom,
Speaker 1: right for the whole room, a roll of therapy, because
Speaker 1: you know how we respond to people who smell good,
Speaker 1: like we'll walk up the strangers. Yes, okay, like you
Speaker 1: absolutely Vermons in high gear it's the power of scent
Speaker 1: to renew and restore. They baked chocolate tip cookies when
Speaker 1: you're trying to sell a house. So that's right through
Speaker 1: and just so, there are lots of things, but we
Speaker 1: just have a hard time giving ourselves permission to do nothing.
Speaker 1: That's so true. That's so true. But as they say,
Speaker 1: stop us smell the roses, these phrases that carry us
Speaker 1: through life, they have some true meaning. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: see all of it. There's purpose behind that part al
Speaker 1: was you also shared in that TikTok that I mentioned earlier,
Speaker 1: the four hours and I love us the four hours
Speaker 1: of self care and we already you can add our
Speaker 1: because it was around the way our Roman therapy it right,
Speaker 1: but you got rest renew, recharge, refreshed, and the extra.
Speaker 1: That's my little plus or Roman therapy. How can we
Speaker 1: check that we're keeping these balanced? Okay, So restore means
Speaker 1: you've been run down for quite some time. I got
Speaker 1: clients who sit in the chair underneath the blanket on
Speaker 1: the weekend, even though the law orangery needs doing, and
Speaker 1: the groceries need to be done and the house is
Speaker 1: a hot mass because they literally feel like they cannot
Speaker 1: get up and do another thing. So the restoring is
Speaker 1: stay in the bed on Saturday, stay in the bed
Speaker 1: on Sunday too. Then you take that extra ten dollars
Speaker 1: that you got and you add that to the people
Speaker 1: who deliver your groceries to your ports, so you can
Speaker 1: get some rest. Sometimes I buy rest in the form
Speaker 1: of I don't do no shopping anymore. That's what my
Speaker 1: industry is. Well, friends, I'm there with your friends, says
Speaker 1: covid Abit to Walmart says I love it. And then
Speaker 1: I talked also sort of like about renewed tracy, because
Speaker 1: renew it is when you do it's right, assist to
Speaker 1: feel right, that's right. So sometimes it can be just
Speaker 1: a new renewed based on a hair appointment, or you
Speaker 1: get your nails done or your eyebrows done and you
Speaker 1: spend some time getting a pedicure, right, So those are instantaneous.
Speaker 1: They don't take a lot of time. You can get
Speaker 1: your nails done, as still go grocery shopping or whatever,
Speaker 1: but you take pick up the groceries. That that's right
Speaker 1: to take time out to renew. And the renewing is
Speaker 1: just a short term intervention. The restoration longer term. It
Speaker 1: might be a couple of days on the weekend. But
Speaker 1: this is what I sort of suggest for people with holidays.
Speaker 1: I think that all holidays are an opportunity for self care.
Speaker 1: I don't go nowhere. I see you all all the time. Thanksgiving,
Speaker 1: I didn't go nowhere people begging me because I listen.
Speaker 1: I take care of people all week that part. I
Speaker 1: hear that and trust they survived without me. And I
Speaker 1: stand in my pajamas for three days straight. Popcorn, Netflix,
Speaker 1: Pinot Griggio girl. I wasn't playing. Think it's important. I
Speaker 1: think it's important to reinvent these traditions as we go
Speaker 1: throughout the years. Holidays are not as traditional. I don't
Speaker 1: even know if we're really supposed to call it Thanksgiving anymore,
Speaker 1: because you know, we're deconstructing everything. Construct okay, to unlearn
Speaker 1: and relearn Thanksgiving and or Christmas and New Year's redefine
Speaker 1: what it means for you. I love that. I love that.
Speaker 1: Just be okay with it. Let you make your decisions.
Speaker 1: Stand firm minute, establishing minute, and stand firm minute. That's
Speaker 1: stop asking everybody for everybody else's opinion. This is your life,
Speaker 1: this is your journey. Say that one more time. Your life,
Speaker 1: your journey, your choices, your consequences. So some of us
Speaker 1: are insecure in that we have to check with everybody.
Speaker 1: Is it okay if I what do you think about this?
Speaker 1: When the reality is it's your life, be love it,
Speaker 1: it's yours. Can you just trust yourself to make these
Speaker 1: kinds of decisions when you feel tired? Sit down? You
Speaker 1: did good with that, you said sit down. Now you
Speaker 1: know we're talking about black and brown community. So what
Speaker 1: we say and sat down? Paying attention to yourself though,
Speaker 1: and just come out of the I call people hallucinate. Okay,
Speaker 1: I know you're fantastic, you're awesome. I'm awesome too, but
Speaker 1: we're still human. We break down, we wear out, we
Speaker 1: fall down, we don't feel good. And just pretending that
Speaker 1: none of those things exists doesn't regenerate, renew, restore or refresh.
Speaker 1: Stop letting people make you feel guilty because you need
Speaker 1: to set down somewhere to take my new friend. I'm
Speaker 1: loving all of it. I feel like people everyone who
Speaker 1: are we are setting free on this podcast. They're gonna
Speaker 1: feel renewed and have that permission to do what they
Speaker 1: need to do moving forward. For these holidays like Alice,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, such a joy. I'm so delighted
Speaker 1: that you guys thought what I had to say was
Speaker 1: worthy and that your work is about lifting up queens
Speaker 1: and giving queens resources through which they could use to heal.
Speaker 1: Because we don't have no time to not be well
Speaker 1: and healthy and strong and fit for our families. That
Speaker 1: is so true. Anyone listening. You can learn more from
Speaker 1: Alice about these topics and others on her TikTok just
Speaker 1: search behavioral intelligence. Thank you so much again, yes, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, bless you all. We want to
Speaker 1: know how you are feeling about this new season of
Speaker 1: Red Table Talk. We are open to talk about anything
Speaker 1: with you all, so please send in your questions at
Speaker 1: Let's red table that at red table talk dot com
Speaker 1: or leave us a voicemail. We want to hear your voice.
Speaker 1: Speak to us at speak pipe dot com, slash Let's
Speaker 1: red table that. Yeah, tell us what you had to say.
Speaker 1: Don't worry about typing, just talking, go to speak talking
Speaker 1: dot com. Just talking out and why are you talking?
Speaker 1: We want to talk to you one more time and
Speaker 1: say thank you, thank you, yes you, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for listening. Make sure you subscribe on I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio app and please rate this podcast on Apple podcast.
Speaker 1: Y'all know we want to five. We'll be back next
Speaker 1: week for another episode of Let's Red Table Back Special.
Speaker 1: Thanks to executive producers j D. P Keett Smith, Valon,
Speaker 1: Jethro and Ellen Racketon. Thank you to our producer colleague
Speaker 1: and Nehru and our associate producer Yolanda Chow. And finally,
Speaker 1: thanks to our sound engineer, Stephanie Aguilar's table back Let's
Speaker 1: Red Table Day, Let's Let's Red Table Back Tay