Speaker 1: The ability to sort of claim queer, not being able
Speaker 1: to say it till later on in life, and even today,
Speaker 1: I no one else is telling me I'm not queer enough.
Speaker 2: It's only me.
Speaker 3: Oh, you know what we do here destroy shame around
Speaker 3: sex by talking about sex. Now, let me tell you
Speaker 3: something messy Mary, Christmas, Happy Holidays, or as we say here,
Speaker 3: happy holidays. Okay, So I wanted to pick us some
Speaker 3: kind of Christmas holiday themed messy story. So have you
Speaker 3: heard of winter penis condition? I don't know if it's true.
Speaker 3: It's sounding a lot like blue balls, but let's talk
Speaker 3: about it. So apparently there is something called winter penis
Speaker 3: condition that may reduce amen's genitalia up to fifty percent.
Speaker 3: Let me read. I found this by the Dasmin brand,
Speaker 3: you know, because I do be following my little messy,
Speaker 3: little messy gossip accounts for a little messy pop culture accounts.
Speaker 3: So it says men around the world are being put
Speaker 3: on notice about winter penis. According to reports UK, doctor
Speaker 3: Hey UK Donald Grant is spreading the message about the
Speaker 3: temporary condition, letting men know that it may impact their
Speaker 3: ability to perform sexually and could reduce their genitals by
Speaker 3: fifty percent. A report from the New York Posts further
Speaker 3: explained as the temperature drops, the male penis recedes into
Speaker 3: the body to maintain body heat, resulting is this real
Speaker 3: resulting in restricts? I mean, listen, if it's real, Like
Speaker 3: you know, I'm not laughing at you, but I just
Speaker 3: it's sealing, sus and its resulting in restricted blood flow,
Speaker 3: while slowed circulation makes achieving an erection difficult when this
Speaker 3: thermostat drops. The doctor noted that the condition can affect
Speaker 3: men of all ages and typically reverses as the temperature increases.
Speaker 3: Medication is usually not prescribed, but can be for extreme situations.
Speaker 3: I mean, I'll be fucking in the winter. The winter
Speaker 3: has not re stot my dick from working. But now
Speaker 3: I'm curious because because here's what I'll say I did
Speaker 3: over the summer. I was like, my tickets is looking
Speaker 3: real big these days. I was like when I was
Speaker 3: at Madrid and London, Hey UK, I was like, I was,
Speaker 3: you know, because whenever I'm away and I'm at a hotel,
Speaker 3: hotels make me horny. You have to know, a hotel
Speaker 3: or an airbnb makes me horny. All I want to
Speaker 3: do is take photos of myself and videos of my
Speaker 3: whole and send them to people. So I was in
Speaker 3: London in the hotel taking the photos and I was like,
Speaker 3: my dick is looking girthy and thick. I don't really
Speaker 3: here's it, y'all. I have not measured my penis since puberty.
Speaker 3: I really have it. Like when my dick gets hard,
Speaker 3: my thought isn't let me grab a ruler and see
Speaker 3: how big it is? So people ask how big it
Speaker 3: is I want I'm like, can I send you a
Speaker 3: photo and just looking at it. If that's the size
Speaker 3: you want, then that's the size it is. Or I'll
Speaker 3: say it like I think it's like a I never
Speaker 3: want to overshoot him, like I think it's like eight
Speaker 3: and a half. I don't know. I don't know what
Speaker 3: it is, but I will say during the summer I
Speaker 3: did this summer, I was like, oh, it's really girthy
Speaker 3: and thick. But I've also looked at it. It's winter where
Speaker 3: I'm recording this. What day is it that we're November
Speaker 3: recording this? And my dick looks the same to me.
Speaker 3: I took a dick pic yesterday and it does not
Speaker 3: seemed to be suffering now I am in LA and
Speaker 3: so our cold is like what like fifty five degrees
Speaker 3: sixty degrees. So perhaps if you're in the UK, because
Speaker 3: I know the UK, y'all be cold as fuck, and
Speaker 3: New York, you know, be cold as fuck. So perhaps
Speaker 3: you know the east coasts and the you know, the
Speaker 3: people that have real winter, maybe your dicks are shrinking.
Speaker 3: And to which I say, who it's that Wendy Williams
Speaker 3: meme where she goes, Oh okay, anyways, that's how I feel.
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh okay, Well, anyways, I listen, this might
Speaker 3: be true. Somebody do the research and doctor patrons, email
Speaker 3: me let me know if this is a thing. Email
Speaker 3: tell me something messy at gmail dot com. I said
Speaker 3: to feel sas because it's sounding a lot like blue balls,
Speaker 3: which is like, oh, I can't you know, I need
Speaker 3: you have to stroke me otherwise my balls. My husband
Speaker 3: says blue balls are real. I don't know. I don't
Speaker 3: think they're real, but whatever, So I don't know. Maybe
Speaker 3: this is true, maybe it's not. Somebody let me know.
Speaker 3: But you know, if you are having trouble performing in
Speaker 3: the winter months, you can say I have winter penis,
Speaker 3: even saying it it's wild to me. I have Winter Penis,
Speaker 3: winter is coming. I haven't watched Game of Thrones, but
Speaker 3: maybe that's what she meant when she's the winter is coming.
Speaker 3: Or I guess Winter's not coming.
Speaker 1: Huh.
Speaker 3: I see what I did there. By the way, welcome
Speaker 3: to the show. This is tell me something messy. I'm
Speaker 3: Brandon called Goodman, your host. Some people call me messy mom,
Speaker 3: but today you can call me summer Penis. Summer penists
Speaker 3: twenty four to seven. Heah, there you go, game of
Speaker 3: summer Penis. There was some yeah, game of summer Penis. Yeah,
Speaker 3: something in there. Merch baby. You know what that means?
Speaker 3: It is time for a guest. Actually, in this episode,
Speaker 3: we're gonna have two guests. Now, while they get situated,
Speaker 3: we'll get our messy key Key started with a how
Speaker 3: manifesto repeat after me aloud or in your head. Grant
Speaker 3: me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal,
Speaker 3: the wisdom to that sex is not just about penetration.
Speaker 3: The audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries. The
Speaker 3: strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl,
Speaker 3: or fuck day, even though it's Christmas. Okay, for it
Speaker 3: is better to masturbate by myself and then to let
Speaker 3: someone play in my motherfucking face. Let the community say,
Speaker 3: oh helujah. I am so excited to have Kyle June
Speaker 3: Williams and Nicki Douglas on the show. Nicki Douglas is
Speaker 3: a Lucille Lortel Odelco and Princess Grace Award winning Brooklyn
Speaker 3: based experimental theater and dance maker who is interested in
Speaker 3: leading community care centered creative processes. You can refer to her, them, him,
Speaker 3: us using any pronouns said with respect. She is currently
Speaker 3: a harp Resident Artist at Here Arts Center, where she
Speaker 3: is creating a new dance theater piece called Only I.
Speaker 3: Kyle June Williams had a residency at the Standard Hollywood
Speaker 3: creating queer driven comedy shows. Kyle June's one woman show
Speaker 3: Only Child, a true Ish crime documentary about a catfishing
Speaker 3: murderer up for parole, premieres at Arsenova in New York
Speaker 3: this coming February. Kyle and Nikki also have known me
Speaker 3: since I was eighteen years old and we went to
Speaker 3: college together and have been just busom buddy friends since.
Speaker 3: I'm so excited to have my chosen family on the show,
Speaker 3: Please help me. Welcome Kyle June Williams and Nikki Douglas. Hi. Nikki, Hi, Kyle, Hi. Hi.
Speaker 3: This is so funny because it's the first time that
Speaker 3: I have no I've had two guys before, but first
Speaker 3: time I've had two guests in studio at the same time.
Speaker 3: So my head is like, I love this, this is wonderful.
Speaker 3: How's your day today, Nikki?
Speaker 4: So far, so good, A regular day. I'm an educator
Speaker 4: coming from the classroom and I'm here now and I'm
Speaker 4: so happy.
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 1: And you, Kyle, what is regular anymore?
Speaker 3: Ky, he's ready to go. Okay, before we get into
Speaker 3: our messy key key, here's some messy mandates. Things get
Speaker 3: to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared have the
Speaker 3: right to shift, change or evolve today, tomorrow, ten years
Speaker 3: from now. And if during the key keys something feels
Speaker 3: too personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word foodsball,
Speaker 3: which gives us the second to uh, pause and address
Speaker 3: and pivot accordingly.
Speaker 5: How sports of you?
Speaker 3: I love sports? I love sports. Okay, let's start with
Speaker 3: a loop breaker. Yes, a loop breaker. Yeah, this is
Speaker 3: a game of smash or pass by the way, Merry Christmas.
Speaker 3: Everyone waits Christmas on Thursday. It's today Christmas. I don't know, whatever,
Speaker 3: it's Wednesday. Smash your pass decorating Christmas trees and smash.
Speaker 6: Is good and passes?
Speaker 3: No? Yeah like smash smash. Okay, you like to decorate
Speaker 3: Christmas tree?
Speaker 6: I like to decorate anything.
Speaker 3: Really, Oh how about you pass?
Speaker 5: I have cats.
Speaker 2: That's just asking for it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I'm a pass on the decorating of the
Speaker 3: Christmas tree. Matthew loves to decorate the Christmas tree. I
Speaker 3: love Christmas tree and I every time we have to
Speaker 3: go buy one month, but he finally let us get
Speaker 3: a plastic one. Oh my god, how I'm so excited.
Speaker 3: I know some people are like the real tree, but
Speaker 3: the real tree like side top of the tree. We
Speaker 3: need the trees.
Speaker 7: That is such a metaphor for your relationship as well,
Speaker 7: that he desperately wanted to decorate a Christmas tree, and
Speaker 7: so that you said no unless it's a plastic tree.
Speaker 3: You know, I never said I never said no. I
Speaker 3: never said no. I would decorate. I would put on
Speaker 3: Mariah Carey's Apple Christmas Special, and I would put the
Speaker 3: ornaments on and I have a Black Angels of the Startopper.
Speaker 3: I think we also have a Beyonce Startupper Startoppers as
Speaker 3: one does. So like I support it, but I don't
Speaker 3: like to participate in it.
Speaker 6: Absolutely.
Speaker 3: But now with the plastic tree.
Speaker 8: No needles, no needles and no watering, no no mess,
Speaker 8: and then it goes away like I don't have to
Speaker 8: like lug it out, you know, because we would have
Speaker 8: the tree deliver it's too much.
Speaker 3: So right now, just say, y'all know, while you're listening
Speaker 3: to this, I am sitting under my plastic tree with
Speaker 3: with some kind of alcoholic beverage and a joint for sure,
Speaker 3: because it's Christmas and I could do whatever I want
Speaker 3: on Christmas. You know what I'm saying, Smash her past
Speaker 3: Frosty the Snowman. Can I go first? I would smash.
Speaker 3: I think Frosty is a sensitive soul. I think that
Speaker 3: carrot is has always you know anyways, and so I
Speaker 3: would smash Frosty. I feel like we have a good time,
Speaker 3: and the best part is like the season changes, He's gone,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying, Like you don't have to
Speaker 3: worry about it after a certain amount of time, it's
Speaker 3: clearly a fuck buddy. It's clearly like that's not somebody
Speaker 3: you gotta really invest in. You can just really take
Speaker 3: that carrot, do what you gotta do with it, and
Speaker 3: then you keep the carrot, which is lovely. It's a
Speaker 3: fuck buddy who leaves behind a gift, you know what
Speaker 3: I'm saying. So I'm going to I'm gonna smash Frosty
Speaker 3: the snowman down. How about you, two.
Speaker 4: Ladies, And it's it's a smash for me. But I
Speaker 4: do feel anxious about it because we're always on the clock.
Speaker 4: You're always racing towards a puddle, I know.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And you have to keep the house cold.
Speaker 6: You gotta keep at you gotta keep a colt.
Speaker 3: Or you gotta funk outside. But he's very specific about
Speaker 3: the environment that he can last in. That's right, you
Speaker 3: can last in.
Speaker 5: You know, nothing has changed.
Speaker 3: Christmas filing Christmas. Can you talk to me?
Speaker 5: I would smash because Frosty is a di wire.
Speaker 6: Say more, say more about it.
Speaker 5: Just think it's just a collection of goods. You don't
Speaker 5: have to buy nothing.
Speaker 1: It's all from from around, from around.
Speaker 3: Climate change friendly, like my guy is reusing things. Yeah,
Speaker 3: although how it's going we might have a prosty.
Speaker 6: I mean it might just be really small, really little.
Speaker 4: Guys, just three ice cubes.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes, we should still use the same size carrot,
Speaker 3: very very long carrot on this three ice cubes.
Speaker 5: Right, we're here to talk about Dick.
Speaker 3: You forgot at any point, if you forget what the
Speaker 3: show is about. If y'all have any prompts or ideas
Speaker 3: for LU breakers, you can email tell me something Messy
Speaker 3: at gmail dot com. Speaking of which, Nikki tell me
Speaker 3: something messy.
Speaker 4: Oh wait, okay, I mean I have two messies, but
Speaker 4: this one I think is more fun, so I'll leave
Speaker 4: with this one.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 6: So I am also.
Speaker 4: Thirty seven, Yeah, living in my thirty seventh year, and
Speaker 4: I still have crushes. I like, still very much have
Speaker 4: a crush all the time. And this is my messy crush.
Speaker 4: I was walking out of I teach down Town in
Speaker 4: down Had Manhattan. I was walking off campus and I
Speaker 4: was headed just on a walk, just like truly on
Speaker 4: a walk. Then this man who I have this crush on,
Speaker 4: starts walking up the block.
Speaker 6: I see him. Yes, I'm gonna tell you who he is.
Speaker 4: This is the messiest part, the messiest part I see
Speaker 4: him from a distance, From like a great distance, I
Speaker 4: see him.
Speaker 6: I just want to name that. I saw him from
Speaker 6: like a.
Speaker 3: Block and a half away.
Speaker 4: Oh wow, Wow, that's the crush I have is on
Speaker 4: an actor who to me is very famous, is doing
Speaker 4: a lot of work in the indie film game.
Speaker 6: He was just in It's a Beautiful Name.
Speaker 4: Yeah, he was just in the in your Ghost Lanthemist film.
Speaker 2: He's okay.
Speaker 6: The actor's name is Mama Do. I felt you have
Speaker 6: talked about.
Speaker 3: Before, very very very If.
Speaker 4: I could like flip something over in this room, I
Speaker 4: would flip it over the water. Yeah, that's how I
Speaker 4: feel about Mamma Do. Mamadu was just in a show
Speaker 4: at the public theater. So he was in the neighborhood,
Speaker 4: which is in the same neighborhood of the school I teach,
Speaker 4: and I teach it m Iu. So I was seeing
Speaker 4: him come up the street and I was like, oh,
Speaker 4: I have this is this person I have a crush on.
Speaker 6: We also like know each other a little bit.
Speaker 4: As he's walking up and approaching me, I'm like making
Speaker 4: a very serious kind of eye contact.
Speaker 6: I'm like really looking. I'm just looking.
Speaker 4: From the second I see him I'm just locked in,
Speaker 4: so it's a whole block of me just like trying
Speaker 4: to look at him. He's got his earbuds in, but
Speaker 4: he does do a double take. He sees me he's famous,
Speaker 4: so he just keeps moving. He's like whatever, that person's
Speaker 4: looking at me. Then he looks back, he takes his
Speaker 4: earbuds out, and he goes hey, and I go hey,
Speaker 4: mama do And then we proceed to like catch up
Speaker 4: a little bit in the street.
Speaker 2: Wait, you know.
Speaker 6: Each other a little bit? A little bit, okay, a
Speaker 6: little bit.
Speaker 5: I need that in the but they thank you for elaborating.
Speaker 4: We know each other just a little bit. It's like
Speaker 4: a couple of degrees of separation, but enough enough.
Speaker 3: Apparently, apparently for him to turn around.
Speaker 4: To have a moment in the street. And I'm stuttering.
Speaker 4: I'm like cold sweating. I don't know what I I
Speaker 4: don't know what I said to him.
Speaker 6: I blocked out.
Speaker 4: But we did share a moment, and I've been thinking
Speaker 4: about ever since. This was like a month ago. This
Speaker 4: is like a very long time ago.
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, what's your what do you want? I
Speaker 3: want to ask a questions? I ask a question. You
Speaker 3: don't have to answer, but how do you want to
Speaker 3: be ravaged by him? How do you? Oh my, I
Speaker 3: don't have to answer if you don't want to. But
Speaker 3: I am curious, like what is the fantasy? Where are we?
Speaker 3: Are we in Costa Rica? Are we uptown? Are we
Speaker 3: in Australia? Are we on a beach? Are we on
Speaker 3: a hotel? Like? What? How are we? You know what?
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 6: I do know what you're saying, and I feel things
Speaker 6: I know about mama. Do you grew up here? Is
Speaker 6: of Mauretanian heritage?
Speaker 4: And so I just want to be ravaged in the
Speaker 4: most African of ways. Yes, yes, yes, yeah, say less,
Speaker 4: say less, sister, say less, I understand. Yes, yes, it's
Speaker 4: a sort of it's about Kwanza in a way.
Speaker 6: I feel it is related to the season. Yes, yes,
Speaker 6: that's what I want for you.
Speaker 3: Yes, to turn that into our holiday story.
Speaker 6: Wow?
Speaker 3: Wow, quite impressive. I want to give you a standing ovation.
Speaker 3: Thank you so wow beautiful. Thank you, Thank you for
Speaker 3: sharing that, Thank you.
Speaker 4: For culturally mess Yeah yeah it was wow.
Speaker 3: Let's y'all if you have messy stories, tell them something,
Speaker 3: Tell me something. Message gmail dot com. But shall we
Speaker 3: do some mess email please, Yes, this is I couldn't
Speaker 3: be happier. This is my Christmas wish. Okay. As always,
Speaker 3: your submissions, stories and questions remain anonymous. This first one says,
Speaker 3: I blew my friends with benefit and sat on his
Speaker 3: face in the closet of another friend's house during a
Speaker 3: birthday party. But have you ever sat on somebody's face
Speaker 3: in the closet?
Speaker 6: Yes, honestly, thrilled to know you.
Speaker 3: Thrilled an honor, an honor, high honor.
Speaker 5: How did I think I'd have nothing?
Speaker 3: You really came in here, was like, I don't know
Speaker 3: if I have anything to girl. Okay, you've lived I've
Speaker 3: lived a life. Okay, So you you sat, You sat
Speaker 3: on somebody's face in a closet. Do you have like
Speaker 3: what was the context of it? Why were we in
Speaker 3: the closet?
Speaker 2: We were at a party. It was in college.
Speaker 1: Yes, we were all trying to raise money for a play.
Speaker 5: Oh my god, not a fund raised It was a fundraiser.
Speaker 3: And you're distracted, distracted, distracted?
Speaker 1: Yes, and uh, there was a very cramped space beneath
Speaker 1: the stairs to.
Speaker 3: The understair closet.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so there's not much maneuvering you can do.
Speaker 6: All you can do?
Speaker 3: Is it? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking of how how many jobs I no
Speaker 1: longer will be able to believe.
Speaker 3: We'll blow your face out.
Speaker 6: Can I be anonymous?
Speaker 1: Absolutely?
Speaker 3: Anonymous? Just say it. That's it, That's what the show does. Okay.
Speaker 3: This one says I female had sex with a woman
Speaker 3: for the first time in my life last week, and
Speaker 3: I am.
Speaker 4: Chain, Yeah, that had sex with women feel very similarly
Speaker 4: to my first time. I was like, oh, it can
Speaker 4: be this thoughtful.
Speaker 3: That's what I would like to know. What is it
Speaker 3: that changes it for you? Because like I still sleep
Speaker 3: with men, and you know RP, but.
Speaker 4: For for for all, men are dying.
Speaker 3: You know, men are trash, and you know it is
Speaker 3: what it is. But for as a I think I
Speaker 3: would make an incredible lesbian. I've said this on the show.
Speaker 3: I would love to be a lesbian. It would be
Speaker 3: my greatest honor to be a lesbian. Every time I
Speaker 3: say that to a lesbian, they're like, yeah, you should
Speaker 3: be you this makes sense, but it just you know,
Speaker 3: there just things don't work out for me, but it
Speaker 3: for you? In sleeping at with a woman, what was
Speaker 3: the like why was it so transformative?
Speaker 4: I mean for me, it just had to do with
Speaker 4: having had a significant amount of or enough amounts of
Speaker 4: sex with men people or people with penises. Yeah, and
Speaker 4: then the like the shift had to do with presence.
Speaker 4: It had to do with like eye contact.
Speaker 6: It had to do you with I still.
Speaker 3: Be looking at I was talking for a long time,
Speaker 3: and every time we would do missionary, he wouldn't look
Speaker 3: me in the eye.
Speaker 6: And I was like, I'm shocking.
Speaker 3: He's like looking to the side, he's like looking above,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, I'm right here.
Speaker 4: We're like we're lined up, you're inside me, Like you
Speaker 4: gotta look in you gotta look in my eyes, just
Speaker 4: like you're.
Speaker 3: Already inside me, look at me in the eyes. It's
Speaker 3: too much, okay, Yeah, so.
Speaker 6: Yes, Yeah. And I had to do with softness, just soft, Yeah,
Speaker 6: just so soft.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the skin is soft, the energy is soft. Yeah,
Speaker 3: that makes sense.
Speaker 6: Yeah, women are just better. Sorry, well the wrong, the wrong.
Speaker 3: But it's like there's the more the I I value
Speaker 3: emotional connection in sect because like it is something that
Speaker 3: like now when even if it's a one time hookup,
Speaker 3: I'm like, I want the emotional connection, which just simply
Speaker 3: could be Like we talked about Housewives for a moment
Speaker 3: or like we you know, danced and the movement was correct,
Speaker 3: but there's like some kind of connection that happened before
Speaker 3: the thing. I don't know what I was talking about.
Speaker 4: Yeah, just how how if you if you were to
Speaker 4: switch over to being a lesbian.
Speaker 6: Yeah yeah, And.
Speaker 3: That's why I like women, because because women stay emotionally connected,
Speaker 3: they value the emotional connection. Thank you so much. Yes, okay.
Speaker 3: This one says I'm on a solo trip to Italy
Speaker 3: and I just fucked my tour guide. Best sixty dollars
Speaker 3: I ever spent. This is another person like, wow, y'all
Speaker 3: are out here living and in Italy. Now they are passionate.
Speaker 3: That's what I was saying. The men in America they
Speaker 3: can be rough, but I feel like the men specifically
Speaker 3: in Europe culturally at least like France, Spain, Italy, they're
Speaker 3: like lovers. They enjoy, they want to be lovers.
Speaker 1: Men in America are a plastered wall. Men in Europe
Speaker 1: are the crown molding.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Like all the men just turned off the up. We
Speaker 3: love you if you're here and you're part of the podcast, said,
Speaker 3: yes we are.
Speaker 2: Sometimes you need a little plaster.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just trying to make it better. Sometimes you plaster,
Speaker 3: we value but yeah, there's a there's a passion which
Speaker 3: I think is just kind of you can think about
Speaker 3: like how we in America are raised around sex and sexuality,
Speaker 3: and how what men are taught, what women are taught,
Speaker 3: what queer folks are taught. And then you go elsewhere
Speaker 3: and there seems to be more of an interest in
Speaker 3: love making, which doesn't mean that it can't be rough
Speaker 3: and tough and whatever, but it just means that there's
Speaker 3: I'll look you in your eye, I'll kiss you, you know,
Speaker 3: I'll ask you about what you like, what's your pleasure
Speaker 3: you know, which is just something that we It's romantic.
Speaker 3: It's romantic, yes, And here romance is so radical because
Speaker 3: romance is only reserved for being in a relationship, whereas
Speaker 3: I think there romance is a way of life. It
Speaker 3: is like they live for the romance and the poeticness
Speaker 3: of just connecting. I like all my like grinder hookups
Speaker 3: in Spain were some of the most like emotionally connected,
Speaker 3: like beautiful, soft like version of sex that I've had,
Speaker 3: whereas here it's always like, uh, come in me right now,
Speaker 3: and then get out like I don't.
Speaker 1: I live through your healthy experiences of an app.
Speaker 5: Oh, thank you, I truly do.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: That is like something that I feel as a woman,
Speaker 1: I would never be able to say.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so yeah. I'm sure part of that is if
Speaker 3: you're navigating heterosexual men on an app, imagine I have
Speaker 3: no experience with what that is. The other pieces, because
Speaker 3: you know, queer men and gay men are not immune
Speaker 3: from being of course, of course, well and they very
Speaker 3: much are on these apps. But I think over the years,
Speaker 3: because let's say, how long has it been since being
Speaker 3: on that, It's like, what ten eleven years of being
Speaker 3: on apps, I have become really clear about what my
Speaker 3: boundaries are on who I talk to and I know
Speaker 3: and I really believe I know immediately by your opening
Speaker 3: line in the first couple texts how this is going
Speaker 3: to go when somebody messages and they're actually interested in
Speaker 3: my day or how I am, and not just like, hey,
Speaker 3: how are you, but like they're willing to talk about
Speaker 3: things and say, oh, like I'm into this or I'm
Speaker 3: doing da da da dada. I know that's going to
Speaker 3: be fruitful when somebody messages, which is no problem with
Speaker 3: that but it's just not for me. And they're like,
Speaker 3: can you come over right now? Will you blow my
Speaker 3: back out? Like it's like, oh, that's not going to
Speaker 3: be emotionally connected. I'm in that exchange. I'm an object,
Speaker 3: which is fine, but I don't want to be an
Speaker 3: object in my sex. And so I think I've really
Speaker 3: heightened the boundaries that I have on the apps and
Speaker 3: that's made for a much better experience.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you have a lot of autonomy when you go on,
Speaker 1: which I rephrase that not necessarily as a woman. I
Speaker 1: just think that, like you, you are so good with
Speaker 1: words as well, and you are such a good communicator,
Speaker 1: and having having a nobility to do that via messaging
Speaker 1: is a different skill set that I don't I don't
Speaker 1: have necessarily.
Speaker 3: That's so interesting and I wonder I can't even in this.
Speaker 3: I'll think about it, but I can't even Like, how
Speaker 3: do you help somebody become a better because you're right,
Speaker 3: like texting is really about writing, and if you don't,
Speaker 3: even if you consider yourself a writer, but especially if
Speaker 3: you don't consider yourself a writer, how do you activate
Speaker 3: yourself in that medium? And I imagine, oh, I'm having
Speaker 3: a an o moment, a big old moment, which I
Speaker 3: think is people who write to me stressed about the apps.
Speaker 3: There's a really good chance that they're not good at
Speaker 3: writing or texting messaging, which makes trying to interact or
Speaker 3: find partners via an app probably much more challenging.
Speaker 1: No, I think it's more writing for self, because I
Speaker 1: can write, but writing.
Speaker 5: For myself as myself.
Speaker 2: If I gave.
Speaker 3: You my account, you'd be like, OK, this, but for yourself. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: that's that's also that's another layer of nuance if you
Speaker 3: if you don't know how to write, but if you
Speaker 3: do know how to write, how do you write on
Speaker 3: behalf of yourself? I think a lot of times. And
Speaker 3: I was interviewing somebody yesterday and we were talking about
Speaker 3: how the bedroom is a place of make believe. It
Speaker 3: is a place of fantasy. That like, even whether you
Speaker 3: are actually playing out fantasies I'm this and you're that,
Speaker 3: or just like what you've projected on that hookup and
Speaker 3: who you think they are are Jim crushes or whatnot,
Speaker 3: that is a place of make believe and so can
Speaker 3: you lean into that? So I've been working on leaning,
Speaker 3: like I want to get more comfortable in my dumbness
Speaker 3: and in like my my ability to take charge. And
Speaker 3: so some of that has come from like acting just
Speaker 3: like pretending, like let me like what, like what is
Speaker 3: the mindset of a don that I'd be interested in?
Speaker 3: Can I act that out? And that has helped to
Speaker 3: like take Brandon out of it and just play a character.
Speaker 4: I don't know if that's I think the thing that
Speaker 4: I hear inside of the conversation is curiosity and like
Speaker 4: the value of curiosity in a sexual experience. I think
Speaker 4: so often people, especially on apps, you know, they just
Speaker 4: like everybody wants the same thing.
Speaker 6: We all want a little little sex in.
Speaker 4: Our lives, but the way you go after it can
Speaker 4: sometimes like yes to the writing challenge. But I feel
Speaker 4: like if you write with curiosity, if you share what
Speaker 4: you're curious about, what you're interested in, with like openness
Speaker 4: and a willingness to be in your imagination and needs
Speaker 4: to play, then those are those are the times that
Speaker 4: I have found better experiences.
Speaker 3: Off of apps.
Speaker 4: Yeah, like yeah, you write well, and like yeah, we're
Speaker 4: able to find a rapport together via text message, but
Speaker 4: it seems like we're both curious enough to gauge or
Speaker 4: to meet each other and play a little bit.
Speaker 3: That is a beautiful piece. The curiosity, Like, like when
Speaker 3: you can feel that somebody's actually interested in you, it
Speaker 3: gives you space to be curious back, it gives you
Speaker 3: space to not because I never, like, I hate when
Speaker 3: I feel like I have to like second guess what
Speaker 3: I'm messaging. H this is too much, and it's like
Speaker 3: I just kind of want to say I love this
Speaker 3: and I like this, and if you don't vibe with it,
Speaker 3: then like move on, you know, like I'll move on.
Speaker 3: But I think there's still a version of me that
Speaker 3: like wants to be wanted, and so you're trying to
Speaker 3: make the perfect interaction for somebody who just honestly may
Speaker 3: not be perfect for you. Yeah, I don't know. It's
Speaker 3: a it's complicated. I never I've never had to think
Speaker 3: about the relationship to the acts. Okay, this one says
Speaker 3: I'm a thirty three year old gay guy and I've
Speaker 3: never been in a relationship. I feel so lonely. I'm
Speaker 3: such a late bloomer, and I found it hard to
Speaker 3: find community and hard to feel queer enough. I'm not
Speaker 3: even sure what that means, but I wrestle with feeling
Speaker 3: like I belong. I don't know what my question is
Speaker 3: other than how can I be more queer and less
Speaker 3: alone and find love?
Speaker 4: Oh? If I can just respond to this so quickly,
Speaker 4: I really this resonates with me so much just because
Speaker 4: I have I have been like queer in my I
Speaker 4: have known that I've been queer for a long time.
Speaker 4: Let's say, right around college time. I was like, oh yeah, no,
Speaker 4: that's yeah.
Speaker 6: I like all of the things.
Speaker 4: I date everybody, I date people I like. And I
Speaker 4: was in my first relationship with a woman. Maybe I
Speaker 4: was thirty four, so just around the same age as
Speaker 4: this person who's written, and that was my also my
Speaker 4: first long term relationship, and it was it came at
Speaker 4: a time. I mean it came at in COVID time,
Speaker 4: but it also came at a time when I just
Speaker 4: had space and capacity to be with myself and in
Speaker 4: dialogue with myself.
Speaker 6: So I guess I just.
Speaker 4: Want to say to this person that queerness is uh
Speaker 4: not determined by some some outside force. I think queerness
Speaker 4: for me is determined by my own rules, my own desires,
Speaker 4: my own questions, and you can move through it at
Speaker 4: whatever pace, in whatever timing you need to.
Speaker 6: It is up to you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I'm more and more I'm realizing how
Speaker 3: important it is to say that out loud. And I
Speaker 3: think that's what queerness. I know people have that with
Speaker 3: with race. You know there are I can't tell you
Speaker 3: the amount of people who are biracial who feel like
Speaker 3: they can't own their blackness, and like and in these
Speaker 3: in these groups that get where we have to qualify
Speaker 3: their qualifications for your queerness, qualifications for your blackness, qualifications
Speaker 3: for your womanhood. I think it is so important to
Speaker 3: say over and over there are no qualifications. It is
Speaker 3: what it is for you. Like, what is true for
Speaker 3: you is what it is, your version of it, your
Speaker 3: even as a non binary, Like what is non binary
Speaker 3: look like? Wrestle with that all the time. You look
Speaker 3: so masculine, you're not androgenous stuff. You don't look non binary?
Speaker 3: Fuck out of here, like it is true for me.
Speaker 3: And so how I show up is what non binary
Speaker 3: looks like. And how what that person shows up, That's
Speaker 3: what non binary looks like. How that person shows up,
Speaker 3: that's what queer looks like. So however you show up,
Speaker 3: you are inherently that thing. And so however you show
Speaker 3: up is how that is represented, and I think the
Speaker 3: suffering comes from trying to be somebody else's version, whether
Speaker 3: it's you know, your favorite character on TV or what
Speaker 3: your community is doing. But like you just, it is
Speaker 3: hard and it takes time. It's not an easy solve,
Speaker 3: but the work is getting comfortable in your version, what
Speaker 3: makes you happy, what makes you feel good, and then
Speaker 3: that's it. You know it, Let it be expansive.
Speaker 5: I definitely I wrestle with this a lot.
Speaker 3: Yeah, tell me.
Speaker 1: I still don't feel queer enough or the ability to
Speaker 1: sort of claim queer, both because of not being able
Speaker 1: to say it till later on in life. And that
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with.
Speaker 2: My upbringing or I mean.
Speaker 5: We all went to school in New York City for
Speaker 5: theater people.
Speaker 1: It's definitely something that is built into my body from
Speaker 1: very young and even today. I mean, Brandon, I've spoken
Speaker 1: with you at length about this. Like I, no one
Speaker 1: else is telling me I'm not queer enough. It's only me,
Speaker 1: and that is first of all, so hard to admit,
Speaker 1: but it's the truth. Because we all move through space
Speaker 1: and say what's your pronounce? So I feel like I
Speaker 1: always have to have an answer, or I had to
Speaker 1: have a coming out story.
Speaker 2: Rather than just being.
Speaker 1: And I also think I had a secret relationship with
Speaker 1: a woman for which I don't I still can't put
Speaker 1: rap around my brain how and why it was kept secret,
Speaker 1: but it was, And so I think it's important to
Speaker 1: remember that.
Speaker 5: You kind of create your own prison.
Speaker 1: And I have to remind myself to be kind to
Speaker 1: myself and to walk in a room giving people the
Speaker 1: benefit of the doubt, especially in this day and age.
Speaker 1: I mean, we're so lucky to live in New York
Speaker 1: that I feel more often not accepted and loved. Sure,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I mean I can walk into a room
Speaker 1: full of lesbians and still feel odd and like I
Speaker 1: need to over explain myself.
Speaker 2: That's the other thing.
Speaker 1: I'm a super chatty Kathy, and I explain it to
Speaker 1: my therapist, like I don't know what to do with
Speaker 1: my hands. I don't know where I put in my pocket,
Speaker 1: I don't know where that to put it out for handshake,
Speaker 1: high five, hug. And I mean I'm thirty nine and.
Speaker 3: Still it is say it differently.
Speaker 5: I am thirty nine years young.
Speaker 9: I have seen the world turn, the dinosaurs come and go.
Speaker 9: But I think that there is a lot with coming
Speaker 9: out later in life coming out that idea, and also like,
Speaker 9: I'm so intrigued that your first long term relationship was
Speaker 9: with a woman because I don't feel like it can
Speaker 9: actually put my have that or I haven't had that,
Speaker 9: so it's hard for me to claim it. I mean
Speaker 9: it is the same thing with like, we live in
Speaker 9: a world now where you're supposed to put your status
Speaker 9: where if you put a rainbow.
Speaker 2: Sign, people are like, oh are you by You know
Speaker 2: what I mean.
Speaker 5: It's this.
Speaker 2: Curiosity, which I think is good.
Speaker 1: But I also want to live in a place where
Speaker 1: I assume everybody is queer sure, and everybody is fluid
Speaker 1: and everybody is everybody is just there.
Speaker 2: To meet the person that they want to meet.
Speaker 1: And I feel like the generation younger than us is
Speaker 1: there and I'm just trying to allow myself to live
Speaker 1: in that same space.
Speaker 3: Is there any way for your community to support you,
Speaker 3: because I know you said it. It's like it's not
Speaker 3: anyone else telling you you're not queer, it's just you
Speaker 3: so one and you don't have to have an answer
Speaker 3: or it can be on process. But I'm curious, is
Speaker 3: there any way for your community, which is you know,
Speaker 3: we're part of your community that can support you in
Speaker 3: changing that. And the second part of that is like
Speaker 3: what do you muse? Right, doth be perfect? But what
Speaker 3: do you muse would be the steps in changing that
Speaker 3: story for yourself and like being able to affirm that
Speaker 3: you are queer, Like what would what would need to
Speaker 3: happen or what do you muse the steps would be?
Speaker 5: I feel very lucky.
Speaker 1: I feel very supported by everybody that's around me. I
Speaker 1: think because I'm older and I am still single.
Speaker 2: It is a little bit of feeling like you're an
Speaker 2: island of your own, uh.
Speaker 1: Managing both meeting somebody later in life potentially, I don't know.
Speaker 2: That's the other thing is I also have uh.
Speaker 1: Beautiful vision of being on an island of my own
Speaker 1: with a gorgeous house.
Speaker 2: And you know, wild animals running around me. I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's you know, am I a witch? Yes?
Speaker 6: Yes, I don't.
Speaker 1: I think the idea, the thing that would make me
Speaker 1: feel most supported is to stop putting so much pressure
Speaker 1: on the idea of relationship and that making you whole.
Speaker 2: I think a bar yeah.
Speaker 1: And I don't think that any And that's the thing is,
Speaker 1: I don't think anybody puts pressure on me per se
Speaker 1: to meet somebody.
Speaker 3: But yes they have society. Society every show that you've
Speaker 3: watched on you like you've grown up in a tank
Speaker 3: of pressure. Like we are swimming in pressure to find
Speaker 3: a mate and mate and have like that. That is
Speaker 3: the the I just posted something that said, normalize. There's
Speaker 3: no rule that says you have to get married and
Speaker 3: start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with five of
Speaker 3: your best friends and ten dogs and yeah, honestly sounds
Speaker 3: great to me. But like that, I'm sure you can
Speaker 3: also read that and go h and that uh is
Speaker 3: because we've been indoctrinated to say no, like for me
Speaker 3: to be a whole person, I have to have somebody
Speaker 3: else or I have to be in a relationship. And
Speaker 3: I do think there is some work to do to
Speaker 3: release that. But I just want to affirm that there
Speaker 3: has been pressure.
Speaker 6: Yes to do that.
Speaker 2: Yes, you're right. I think a lot of the times
Speaker 2: I'm like, don't worry, guys, you're.
Speaker 3: Swimming in it.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think it's the idea that sort of normalizing not
Speaker 1: asking somebody who they're dating. Yeah, if they're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: maybe asking them, uh, how is work?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 5: What what are you excited to work on. What are
Speaker 5: you passionate about?
Speaker 3: How's your heart? I like asking that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think a lot of times I hear you know,
Speaker 1: I this is not this is this is my side
Speaker 1: of the corner. But like I was watching Murder on
Speaker 1: Elm Street, which is a murder document, yes, and they
Speaker 1: were talking about this young woman who passed, and the
Speaker 1: father was saying, uh, I'm just I just think about, uh,
Speaker 1: how what a wonderful wife she would have made, and
Speaker 1: like what a wonderful like what a man would have
Speaker 1: just loved to.
Speaker 2: Have her as his wife.
Speaker 5: And I was like, what the fuck.
Speaker 3: Reduced to somebody's wife as opposed to being her own?
Speaker 1: And I feel that all the time surrounding me, especially
Speaker 1: because I'm at the age where you know, I'm considered
Speaker 1: rotten inside and not able to procreate or I am
Speaker 1: actually but you know, I just I don't feel the
Speaker 1: lack of support from friends. But I do think it's
Speaker 1: about changing the bigger conversation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the societal conversation.
Speaker 4: And I think you're right that there is something you
Speaker 4: know that that we are like growing out of in
Speaker 4: terms of how generations are considering love and yeah, relationship
Speaker 4: status and what that means or what it can look like.
Speaker 4: I feel like the generation coming up behind us is
Speaker 4: just like we're paving a way in many ways, like
Speaker 4: the we are cursed with it, but it's it's almost over.
Speaker 6: In a way.
Speaker 3: Well, we're the generation that I think is at the crossroads,
Speaker 3: right Like I think our generation is the generation that's
Speaker 3: starting to go to therapy and take mental health seriously.
Speaker 3: And so our kids, which I don't know, I'm not
Speaker 3: having kids. It like I'll be a good uncle or godparent,
Speaker 3: will have parents or people around them who have been
Speaker 3: raising their emotional intelligence and who have been learning how
Speaker 3: to communicate. And so that's just going to breed a
Speaker 3: different type of desire and a different track. But I
Speaker 3: think we are, you know, blessed or cursed with have
Speaker 3: to straddle the line and straddle the bridge of breaking
Speaker 3: the curses in so many ways, of fighting against the
Speaker 3: messaging even though we were indoctrinated with it, like having
Speaker 3: to pick it out and that is hard and that
Speaker 3: is strenuous and I think has to be done in community.
Speaker 3: But you're right, ultimately it is the bigger conversation because
Speaker 3: I said this, you can't expect a child to not
Speaker 3: absorb that, and a child only becomes an adult who
Speaker 3: has absorbed that and is operating from that until they're not,
Speaker 3: which is I think these conversations help interrupt, but there
Speaker 3: is an interruption that has to happen.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's I think I think queer or not,
Speaker 1: you're still expected to walk down the aisle, expect.
Speaker 3: That to be heteronormative, like you're still expected to have
Speaker 3: all the same things to say. Look, we're good queer. Yeah,
Speaker 3: we're a normal queer normal.
Speaker 1: And I very much like love the conversations that are
Speaker 1: that are being had now because I think that hearing them,
Speaker 1: hearing that, hearing the type of discourse, especially you know,
Speaker 1: not to toot your own horn, but I'm toooting it
Speaker 1: in this podcast allows people to feel on their own,
Speaker 1: given a toolbox, yes, and to not necessarily feel like
Speaker 1: you have to be one way or another. That we
Speaker 1: are constantly learning, and I think that's the thing is
Speaker 1: I feel like I should I should say I'm a lesbian,
Speaker 1: I should have a wife, I should be in a house,
Speaker 1: I should adopt three kids, But maybe I should just
Speaker 1: keep learning.
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, and you should, like that's the only should
Speaker 3: the only should is to evolve, to change and to
Speaker 3: be That's the only thing that you should do. The
Speaker 3: rest of it is like, if that's what you want,
Speaker 3: you like, But if you don't want it, that's also cool.
Speaker 3: I think like we we feel like it's not cool
Speaker 3: because we feel like we're standing on our own. And
Speaker 3: I think about this with Matthew and being polyamorous, and
Speaker 3: I've talked about it when when we first started being open,
Speaker 3: you know, we would get on grinder and people are like,
Speaker 3: you're open, And now people are like, oh, you're probably
Speaker 3: like whatever for the most part, but it's like, oh,
Speaker 3: we felt like we were on our own island. It
Speaker 3: didn't mean that what we were doing was wrong. It
Speaker 3: just meant like everyone else wasn't doing it. And I
Speaker 3: think that sometimes we have to get comfortable being on
Speaker 3: our own. You're not really like you have your community,
Speaker 3: but be comfortable with like saying like I might be
Speaker 3: the only one doing this right now and that's okay.
Speaker 3: What matters is does it make me happy? Do I
Speaker 3: feel safe? Do I feel good? Do I feel value?
Speaker 3: Do I feel protected? If all those boxes are being checked,
Speaker 3: I don't even fuck what it is, you know, what
Speaker 3: I'm saying you're not hurting yourself anybody else, I'll go
Speaker 3: fuck what it is. But I think our brains are trained,
Speaker 3: especially as women, especially as queer folks. Our worth comes
Speaker 3: from how well we are liked, how well we are accepted,
Speaker 3: how well we're able to perform, how productive we're able
Speaker 3: to be, how well we can stay inside the lines,
Speaker 3: that we can color inside the lines. That's where we
Speaker 3: get our our validity from. And it's like we have
Speaker 3: to it's a harder process. But having to shed that
Speaker 3: and say like, no, like what I'm doing is fine,
Speaker 3: and I still have to like I still have questions
Speaker 3: and I still have to go, no, Brandon, you're fine,
Speaker 3: Like that is okay what you're doing. Because the old,
Speaker 3: the old operating system comes up. I was in it
Speaker 3: for thirty something years before I interrupted it, So to
Speaker 3: expect that it will be an easy transition would be
Speaker 3: setting myself up for failure. You know. Yeah, thank you
Speaker 3: for this conversation. Thank you for sharing of yourselves in
Speaker 3: this because I know a lot of people listening and
Speaker 3: that write and write and similar to this person about
Speaker 3: not feeling queer enough, about wanting a relationship or wanting
Speaker 3: to find love, or not sure what that looks like,
Speaker 3: or not showing how they want to set things up.
Speaker 3: And I really think that these conversations allow us to
Speaker 3: satiate or balm the discomfort on the journey, you know,
Speaker 3: like it is a journey. We're going for it, but
Speaker 3: it gets uncomfortable, and hearing that other people are experiencing
Speaker 3: something similar, I think makes it a little easier.
Speaker 6: I hope it's the only way.
Speaker 3: It is the only fucking way.
Speaker 6: It's scary, but we've got to talk.
Speaker 3: We got to talk to each other, especially in this climate. Especially,
Speaker 3: you know, we were before we got a mic, Nicky
Speaker 3: and I hear Nicky and I were here talking about
Speaker 3: you know, the election, you know, and so more than ever,
Speaker 3: it is important for us to talk. More than ever,
Speaker 3: it's important for us to say the quiet things out loud,
Speaker 3: because this next four years in particular, is gonna be
Speaker 3: about silencing people. It's gonna be about pushing people back
Speaker 3: into their corners, getting people back into their lanes, and
Speaker 3: we just cannot succumb to that. And the only way
Speaker 3: that we are able to, I think, be victorious is together.
Speaker 3: And that's again I always say, it's not some spiritual bullshit.
Speaker 3: It literally is just tea.
Speaker 1: And to celebrate your uniqueness and your difference because at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, they can push us into
Speaker 1: as many boxes as they want to try to.
Speaker 2: But to have ownership of who.
Speaker 1: You are is so important and that it doesn't it's
Speaker 1: not hinging on someone else's idea. It's not hinging on
Speaker 1: the person laying in bed next to you, you know,
Speaker 1: and how important it is to also to surround yourself
Speaker 1: with friendship and salons of people who you can commune with.
Speaker 3: Friends are soulmates too. You have to know that animals
Speaker 3: and animals like soulmates, are not just that one person.
Speaker 2: We have to take care of ourselves.
Speaker 1: It's so important as each other as well, but we
Speaker 1: have to take care of ourselves. So it's so important
Speaker 1: over these next four only four, it.
Speaker 3: Will only it will only before and that is tea
Speaker 3: because we will come together and we will make sure
Speaker 3: that it is only the four. So yes, I'm gonna
Speaker 3: say something to the two of you, which is because
Speaker 3: you know, it's a Christmas episode and I specifically picked
Speaker 3: the two of you to be here because I want
Speaker 3: it to be with my chosen family. Because I know
Speaker 3: some people don't get to be with their I'm that person.
Speaker 3: I don't get to be with my blood family on holidays.
Speaker 3: And I know there are a lot of people who
Speaker 3: listen to the show who may have either lost a
Speaker 3: loved one or loved ones or have not been accepted
Speaker 3: by loved ones, and so their chosen family really is everything.
Speaker 3: And I'm gonna do this without I might cry, and
Speaker 3: so what, but I might not. But I've known the
Speaker 3: two of you since I was eighteen years old, and
Speaker 3: so it is incredibly special to be sharing this space
Speaker 3: with the two of you. You, to have watched you
Speaker 3: over the last however many years, because I can't do
Speaker 3: math that fast, and to be witnessed by you, and
Speaker 3: to have this love means has been has been life saving,
Speaker 3: you know, like when losing my family and that relationship
Speaker 3: to them in order to allow myself to be my
Speaker 3: full queer, black, non binary free self was the hardest
Speaker 3: thing I've ever done. Continues to be the hardest thing
Speaker 3: that I do. To know that my you know, even
Speaker 3: my mom specifically is getting older as I'm getting older,
Speaker 3: and I do not have any semblance of her life,
Speaker 3: and it's been hard. But what makes things soft is
Speaker 3: the love that I have and the love that the
Speaker 3: two of you and our community continues to show me
Speaker 3: and pour on me. And so to this person that
Speaker 3: wrote to us about, you know, not feeling queer enough
Speaker 3: or whatever, it's like, give it time. You'll find your community.
Speaker 3: But above all, else do you find your community. What
Speaker 3: has saved my life is the two of you and
Speaker 3: the other people that we know in our lives. But
Speaker 3: it is it is life saving because I really could
Speaker 3: have been on my own, you know, swirling and spiraling
Speaker 3: and unsure and very alone, and so publicly I would
Speaker 3: like to thank you for for not leaving my side,
Speaker 3: for loving me as I am, and for insisting that
Speaker 3: i'd be who I am. I am eternally grateful, I'm
Speaker 3: internally grateful. So thank you and I love you. Thank
Speaker 3: you for being here. Huh Merry Christmas? Where is thank you?
Speaker 8: Thank you? Oh?
Speaker 3: Yes, thank you so much. I appreciate it. All right, Well,
Speaker 3: i'll talk to you soon. You already know we're hose here,
Speaker 3: but hose with heart. So before we get out of here,
Speaker 3: let me speak to yours. Oh you know, nothing is
Speaker 3: new under the sun blaze a trail. Someone is looking
Speaker 3: for you. So if you feel safe about the thing
Speaker 3: that you're exploring, the thing that you're doing, the thing
Speaker 3: that you're processing, then be loud. You know. I wasn't
Speaker 3: loud about my polyamory or our openness for a long
Speaker 3: time because I didn't need to be. It was something
Speaker 3: that I was navigating in private and didn't want to
Speaker 3: be loud about it. I wanted to figure it out.
Speaker 3: I wanted to be able to figure out what are
Speaker 3: my opinions on this, what are my thoughts on this?
Speaker 3: How does this feel for me before? And how does
Speaker 3: this feel for my partner and my partners before I
Speaker 3: start allowing the world to have their opinions on it,
Speaker 3: because I know y'all do okay, But sometimes it's scary,
Speaker 3: especially when you're like, no one else is doing this thing,
Speaker 3: no one else is living this way or making you
Speaker 3: It's easy for you to go, well, then I'm wrong
Speaker 3: or this is wrong. But perhaps you are just blazing
Speaker 3: a trail. Perhaps you're lighting a fire, and so perhaps
Speaker 3: it's you can look at it differently. I would say,
Speaker 3: as long as you're not hurting yourself anyone else, you know,
Speaker 3: and if it feels good, if it feels fun, it
Speaker 3: might also feel scary bye, right, But fear or being
Speaker 3: afraid doesn't mean the thing is bad, or being uncomfortable
Speaker 3: doesn't mean that you're in danger. Yeah, So know the
Speaker 3: difference between I'm uncomfortable by this because maybe I'm growing
Speaker 3: and I'm expanding, or I don't like this. Yeah, But
Speaker 3: if it's something that you're like I do, if no
Speaker 3: one is looking at me and I don't care about
Speaker 3: anyone's perception or anyone's opinions about it, and I'm enjoying it,
Speaker 3: then you're probably doing something that's right for you, And
Speaker 3: so I would keep on keeping on. Also, friends, family,
Speaker 3: family is so hard and such a difficult thing to navigate.
Speaker 3: And as I said, I'm about like thirteen years estranged
Speaker 3: from mine. Here's what I'll share that I am. I
Speaker 3: wrote on threads, which is I used to worry about
Speaker 3: being abandoned, so I'd contort myself for acceptance. But now
Speaker 3: I invite people to walk out of my life. I
Speaker 3: am excited to be in the lives of the people
Speaker 3: I love, and I want people in my life to
Speaker 3: be excited to love me, eager to see my soul,
Speaker 3: passionate about holding my heart softly, insistent that I be
Speaker 3: exactly who I am. I deserve to be loved just
Speaker 3: as fiercely as I love And if you can't rise
Speaker 3: to that, then please, by all means walk out now.
Speaker 3: If this is your first Christmas away from your family,
Speaker 3: be it by choice or by a passing, or it's
Speaker 3: your second year, or your tenth year or your fifteenth list,
Speaker 3: it gets It's hard. The first year is the hardest.
Speaker 3: The first couple of years are incredibly difficult. But I
Speaker 3: will tell you it does get easier. But I don't
Speaker 3: know if that wound ever goes away. But I have
Speaker 3: arrived at this place where I know that my life
Speaker 3: is infinitely better by choosing to be around people who
Speaker 3: accept and hold and love me as I am than
Speaker 3: trying to sacrifice my happiness for someone's acceptance. Don't do that,
Speaker 3: even if it's your blood. Uh. You know we're not
Speaker 3: taught this, because we're taught. You know, Honor your mother
Speaker 3: and father no matter what, no matter, no matter how
Speaker 3: they treat you on a mom and dad, And I'm
Speaker 3: here to interrupt that if mom, dad, brother, sister, boss, teacher, friend,
Speaker 3: I don't care who it is, if they are not
Speaker 3: loving you, holding you, respecting you, championing you, advocating for you,
Speaker 3: protecting you. Let it go easier said than done, but
Speaker 3: you gotta let it go for your for your I
Speaker 3: keep using these words, but they're right, you know, for
Speaker 3: your expansion, but also for your for your thrival. Right,
Speaker 3: because there is surviving and if you keep those people around,
Speaker 3: you can survive. But that's not a life. You want
Speaker 3: to thrive. You want to be happy. You want to
Speaker 3: be excited to wake up. You want to know that
Speaker 3: when you're going into these you know, to your your
Speaker 3: holiday parties, that you're not going with dread. You're not
Speaker 3: afraid that somebody's gonna say some dumb shit to you.
Speaker 3: You know, you're not afraid that somebody's gonna to tear
Speaker 3: you to pieces or or dismiss you or belittle you.
Speaker 3: You want to know that whatever space you're walking into,
Speaker 3: people want to build you up the way that you're
Speaker 3: gonna build them up. Yeah, anyways, it's easier than done.
Speaker 3: But I do want you to know, do not sacrifice
Speaker 3: your happiness for other people's acceptance. Anyways, I love you.
Speaker 3: Happy holidays, whatever holiday you celebrate, Happy holidays. And if
Speaker 3: it can't be happy, this year. I wish you a
Speaker 3: peaceful holiday. I love you. You can find Kyle June
Speaker 3: on Instagram at Kyle June and Nikki on Instagram at
Speaker 3: my Name is Nikki and I See h I. You
Speaker 3: can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman.
Speaker 3: You can find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy
Speaker 3: and you can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack.
Speaker 3: When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex
Speaker 3: and self and so much more. Also, I want to
Speaker 3: hear from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories,
Speaker 3: your submissions, your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy
Speaker 3: at gmail dot com. You can also call us at
Speaker 3: six six nine sixty nine Messy. That is six six
Speaker 3: nine six ninety six three seven seven nine. Rate review
Speaker 3: and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring
Speaker 3: HOE friends. Really really helps the show out.
Speaker 4: All right.
Speaker 3: Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
Speaker 3: before you make it spit, make sure they eat the
Speaker 3: kitty before they beat the kitty, before fuckation or succation communication.
Speaker 3: And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
Speaker 3: are so deeply loved. I love you, Hie. Thank you
Speaker 3: so much for listening to Tell Me Something Messy. If
Speaker 3: you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to someone
Speaker 3: else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was
Speaker 3: executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.
Speaker 3: Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
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