WEBVTT - If Your Life Hasn’t Gone to Plan — This is For YOU! (6 Step Framework To Take Back Control and Build The Life You Want!) 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:05.240 Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:09.200 to fix it. You'll burn out before life slows down. 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:13.760 Stop treating peace like a project. It's not something you earn, 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:17.439 it's something you allow. And stop gripping the future so 0:00:17.680 --> 0:00:21.239 hard you're crushing the present. The number one Health and 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:29.760 Wellness Podcast, Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy shet Hey, everyone, welcome 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:32.879 back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:37.440 back into the podcast. If you haven't subscribed already, make 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:40.000 sure you click the button below so that you never 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:45.200 miss a video. Now. Today's episode is for anyone who's 0:00:45.280 --> 0:00:48.320 ever looked at their life and thought, this is not 0:00:48.479 --> 0:00:51.680 how it was supposed to go. This is not the plan, 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:55.080 this is not how I imagined it to be. And 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:57.120 I'm sure so many of you can relate to that. 0:00:57.760 --> 0:00:59.920 This is not what you wanted, This is not what 0:01:00.200 --> 0:01:03.480 you desired, this is not what you wished for, and 0:01:03.520 --> 0:01:08.679 you're feeling stuck. Maybe you didn't get the job, maybe 0:01:08.880 --> 0:01:13.520 the relationship ended, maybe you're nowhere near where you thought 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:17.800 you'd be by now. If you feel stuck, if you 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:22.680 feel lost, if you feel confused, this episode is for you. 0:01:23.760 --> 0:01:26.160 And before we dive in, I want you to hear 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:32.040 this clearly, that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means 0:01:32.280 --> 0:01:35.479 you're in the part of the story you didn't plan for, 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:41.360 and sometimes that's where the real story begins. I want 0:01:41.440 --> 0:01:45.080 you to recognize that you feeling stuck right now is 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:48.760 not the end. You're feeling stuck right now is not 0:01:48.840 --> 0:01:52.680 a failure. You're feeling stuck right now is not where 0:01:52.720 --> 0:01:57.440 the story finishes. By you being here right now, this 0:01:58.040 --> 0:02:01.200 is where we rewrite that narrative. It's where you make 0:02:01.280 --> 0:02:04.640 that shift, and it's where you feel the switch in 0:02:05.000 --> 0:02:07.960 your life. If you follow what I'm about to share 0:02:08.080 --> 0:02:11.799 in this episode, you will actually be able to reclaim 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:16.560 ownership over your own life, over your own mind, and 0:02:16.720 --> 0:02:21.519 move in the direction that you want and actually even better. 0:02:22.440 --> 0:02:25.280 That's what I want you to understand today that the 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:27.720 position you're in right now may not be where you 0:02:27.840 --> 0:02:31.120 want to be, but it can be the launchpad of 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:35.799 something even better. So today I want to walk you 0:02:35.919 --> 0:02:41.160 through six science backsteps to rebuild your mindset when life 0:02:41.240 --> 0:02:45.600 takes a turn you didn't expect. Let's get into it. 0:02:46.200 --> 0:02:51.320 Step one is learning to pause the inner critic and 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:56.120 activate the observer. This is an idea that I learned 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:59.360 about during my time as a monk in recognizing the 0:02:59.440 --> 0:03:04.000 different voices that exist in our mind. There's the voice 0:03:04.040 --> 0:03:08.080 that's always loud, there's the voice that's always certain, and 0:03:08.160 --> 0:03:12.000 then there's that quiet observer. Now, a lot of people 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:13.800 ask me this question, Jay, how do I know the 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:18.320 difference between my inner critic and my intuition? How do 0:03:18.400 --> 0:03:23.280 I know the difference between my mind and my intuition? Right? 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:24.880 It can be hard. It can feel like there are 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:27.280 a lot of voices, There are a lot of noises 0:03:27.320 --> 0:03:30.720 going on inside your mind. How do you decipher? How 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:33.680 do you make sense of it? Here's what I've learned. 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:39.640 Your mind is certain and loud. Right, it will say 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:42.160 to you. Don't do that. You'll look like a fool. 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:46.280 Don't do that at work, everyone will see it. Don't 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:50.080 speak up because you might say something stupid. It's loud 0:03:50.400 --> 0:03:58.680 and it's certain, but the intuition is quiet and it's curious. Hey, 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:01.520 maybe you should try that out. Hey, you know what. 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:03.840 I think you might be really good at that. Why 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:06.560 don't we follow it? Hey, you know what, you have 0:04:06.600 --> 0:04:10.080 a really good idea. Everyone may not get it, but 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:15.440 it's worth sharing it. Take a moment to notice the 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:20.520 different voices that exist within you. Your inner critic is certain 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:24.080 and loud. You will look like a fall, You're a failure, 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:27.520 you got it wrong. You're not good enough, you're not 0:04:27.640 --> 0:04:32.000 smart enough, you're not pretty enough. Very certain, very loud. 0:04:32.680 --> 0:04:37.640 The intuition says, I feel like I like this. I 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:41.560 think I'm passionate about this. I think I'm excited about this. 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:45.440 In a difficult position, it says, I think we might 0:04:45.440 --> 0:04:48.599 get out of this if we try this. But the 0:04:48.600 --> 0:04:51.520 inner critic says, no, don't try it. It's not worth 0:04:51.560 --> 0:04:53.880 your time. It's a waste of time. You're just stuck. 0:04:54.880 --> 0:04:57.520 So here's what I want you to think about. The 0:04:57.600 --> 0:05:02.760 more you listen to that quot yet, to that curious 0:05:02.800 --> 0:05:07.800 inner voice, the less you will be affected by that loud, 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:12.840 certain noise of the mind. The reason why the intuition 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:16.800 has got so quiet is because it's been ignored. What 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:19.640 happens to you when you feel like a friend isn't 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:24.400 paying you attention, You shut down, You get quiet, You 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:28.720 don't make as much noise. That's what's happened to our intuition. 0:05:29.520 --> 0:05:34.119 It's faded into the background. It's taken the passenger seat, 0:05:35.120 --> 0:05:38.160 sometimes from the back of the car. It may whisper, 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:41.080 hey take a left, Hey take a right. Try this out. 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:45.200 But the more we listen to it, the stronger that 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:49.760 voice becomes, the more confidence it gains. So it's really 0:05:49.800 --> 0:05:53.040 important first of all, to know the difference between your 0:05:53.080 --> 0:05:55.440 inner critic and your mind. And I would even give 0:05:55.480 --> 0:05:58.279 them a name, give them a personality, so you know 0:05:58.360 --> 0:06:01.320 the difference. Right. The reason why we know which friends 0:06:01.320 --> 0:06:03.400 are good for us and which aren't is because we 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:05.800 remember their name, We remember what they look like. The 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:08.159 problem is, the voices in our head don't have a face. 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:11.919 The voices in our head don't have a personality. We 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:15.280 have to create one for them. So choose a name 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:18.760 for your mind that feels like it's nagging you, forcing 0:06:18.800 --> 0:06:21.760 you to do what's right, a name that feels like that. 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:25.760 And then choose a name for your intuition, that good friend, 0:06:25.839 --> 0:06:30.039 that deep friend, that sincere, genuine person who really wants 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:33.320 to help you, who really wants to make a difference 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:36.560 in your life. The next thing we have to do 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:42.000 is learn to speak to ourselves with the kindness and 0:06:42.080 --> 0:06:45.920 the empathy we would use to speak to someone we love. 0:06:46.920 --> 0:06:50.440 Something I've noticed about high performing people. Having sat down 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:53.360 with so many are now is that they have two traits. 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:59.520 They are high standards and high grace. High standards make sense. 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:02.239 They want to be the best. They want to push themselves, 0:07:02.279 --> 0:07:04.679 they want to drive, they want to succeed in business, 0:07:04.680 --> 0:07:07.839 in their career, in their passion, in their purpose. And 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:11.480 we should all have high standards. If we don't demand 0:07:12.040 --> 0:07:16.720 high standards of ourselves, we will shrink to very low 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:21.760 expectations of others. Think about that for a second. If 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:26.080 you don't set high standards for yourself, you will shrink 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:31.320 to the low expectations of others. But here's the most 0:07:31.400 --> 0:07:35.200 important part. Everyone who has high standards, who achieves them, 0:07:35.720 --> 0:07:41.880 has high grace, the ability to recognize that actually guilt 0:07:42.200 --> 0:07:47.200 blocks growth. Shame doesn't lead to change. I won't shift 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:52.400 myself by guilty myself. I won't become better by making 0:07:52.440 --> 0:07:55.760 myself feel bad for too long. It may work in 0:07:55.800 --> 0:07:59.280 the short term. There's an amazing speech by Roger Federer 0:08:00.000 --> 0:08:03.840 where he talked about how when he's playing a point, 0:08:04.760 --> 0:08:09.760 it is the most important point in the world, but 0:08:09.840 --> 0:08:12.920 when that point is over, whether he won or lost, 0:08:13.800 --> 0:08:17.440 that point is the least important point. 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:18.320 In the world. 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:22.920 That is the difference between high standards and also having 0:08:22.960 --> 0:08:25.480 high grace when you're playing the point, when you're in 0:08:25.520 --> 0:08:28.920 the moment, you take it seriously. When you lose, when 0:08:28.960 --> 0:08:30.880 things don't go to plan, When things don't go in 0:08:30.920 --> 0:08:35.480 the way you imagined, they weren't that important. Remember this. 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:41.040 Stop saying mean things to yourself you'd never say to 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:46.040 someone else. Stop being critical in your head just because 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:50.280 no one else can hear it. Stop believing your worst 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:55.520 thoughts just because they're loud. Stop mistaking your inner critic 0:08:56.520 --> 0:09:00.440 for your inner truth. Start listening to how you speak 0:09:00.480 --> 0:09:04.800 to yourself, because no one lives in your head more 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:08.080 than you do. It's natural. I get it. When life 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:11.200 doesn't go to plan, the first instinct is to blame, 0:09:11.720 --> 0:09:16.080 and mostly toward ourselves. I should have known better, I 0:09:16.120 --> 0:09:20.320 should have done more. But here's what Research from self 0:09:20.320 --> 0:09:26.360 compassion expert doctor Christin Nelf shows self judgment in moments 0:09:26.360 --> 0:09:30.959 of failure increases cortisol. Think about that for a second. 0:09:31.520 --> 0:09:37.560 Self judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. It decreases 0:09:37.600 --> 0:09:41.480 motivation and keeps you stuck in shame. How many times 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:44.040 have you done that? You make a mistake and now 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:46.680 you're beating yourself up about it, not just in the 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:48.840 morning when you look in the mirror, but at night, 0:09:48.880 --> 0:09:52.080 before your head hits the pillow. You're constantly replaying that 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:54.559 moment you messed up at work. Maybe you want the 0:09:54.600 --> 0:09:57.840 perfect parent today, and all of a sudden, you've gone 0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:00.240 from wanting to be the perfect parent to believe even 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:04.840 you're the worst parent of all time. Your motivation decreases, 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:08.640 your quarters all increases, and it keeps you stuck in shame. 0:10:09.000 --> 0:10:15.400 You can't shift from shame. So what helps instead mindful 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:21.400 self observation. It's the shift from I messed up? Two? 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:28.400 Interesting this thing go how I thought? Stop saying I'm 0:10:28.480 --> 0:10:33.679 not good enough. You're not lazy. You're drained from carrying 0:10:33.960 --> 0:10:38.680 what no one sees. You're not falling behind. You're healing 0:10:38.720 --> 0:10:43.080 in a world that rewards burnout. You're not the problem. 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:48.840 The pressure is. You're not unmotivated. You're tired of pretending 0:10:49.280 --> 0:10:54.240 you're fine. You're not lost. You're just not on someone 0:10:54.360 --> 0:11:01.679 else's timeline, and you're not stuck. You're processing, and that counts. 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:08.240 Step number two. Let go of the control illusion. One 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:10.680 of the reasons why we don't like it when things 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:14.960 don't go to plan is we wanted everything perfectly controlled, 0:11:15.240 --> 0:11:17.520 We had everything mapped out. Maybe you had a color 0:11:17.559 --> 0:11:21.640 coded spreadsheet right and you wanted everything to happen exactly 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:26.000 how it was mapped out. That control illusion creates so 0:11:26.160 --> 0:11:29.480 much resistance in our life. Sometimes the things you can't 0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:32.640 plan for a control are really big and hard, and 0:11:32.720 --> 0:11:35.640 sometimes they happen in the most beautiful way. Have you 0:11:35.679 --> 0:11:37.840 ever noticed how the best parts of a trip or 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:40.559 moments in life are never the ones you actually planned. 0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:43.160 I think about this. One time RADI and I had 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:46.120 everything mapped out, full schedule, that's how I like to function, 0:11:46.600 --> 0:11:50.200 but someone casually invited us to this gathering, no real 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:54.120 dress code, no plan, no agenda. We showed up and 0:11:54.200 --> 0:11:56.680 it turned into one of the most meaningful nights of 0:11:56.720 --> 0:12:01.880 the year. No cameras, no expectations, just connection, the kind 0:12:01.920 --> 0:12:04.160 of night where you forget to check your phone because 0:12:04.200 --> 0:12:06.600 you're so into it. And then there was another time 0:12:06.640 --> 0:12:09.880 I was in La, completely exhausted, a friend texting me 0:12:09.960 --> 0:12:13.120 last minute, come to this dinner. I almost said no, 0:12:13.600 --> 0:12:15.960 but I went and I ended up in a backyard 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:19.360 eating amazing food, having a live stand up comedy show. 0:12:19.600 --> 0:12:22.400 Surrounded by people I'd never met who somehow felt like 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:26.600 old friends. That moment wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:29.760 plan it, but it stayed with me. It shifted something. 0:12:30.600 --> 0:12:34.040 That's the kind of traveling moments I crave, not just 0:12:34.080 --> 0:12:38.000 the sites or the luxury, but those rare, unexpected experiences 0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:41.559 that wake you up a little. We all chase destinations, 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:46.160 but what we're really chasing is that spark, that a liveness. 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:49.679 And when a door opens to something like that, whether 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:52.520 it's a private dinner, a behind the scenes moment, or 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:55.480 something you couldn't have found on your own, I'm saying 0:12:55.600 --> 0:12:59.480 yes every time, because in the end, it's not about 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:02.040 where you were, it's about how it made you feel. 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:06.680 I'm excited to continue this conversation, but first a word 0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:12.839 from our sponsors Unforgettable Adventures would Chase Sapphire. 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Whether 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:18.760 you're enjoying a top tier concert, a private gallery tour, 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:21.960 or even a behind the scenes look at an exclusive event, 0:14:22.400 --> 0:14:26.840 these experiences are what makes travel feel magical, and with 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:31.800 Chase Safire Reserve, those moments are more accessible than ever before. 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:35.720 Curious about how you can gain access to these incredible experiences, 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:39.520 head over to Chase dot com forward Slash Sapphire Reserve 0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:43.359 to learn more. Your gateway to the world's most captivating 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:48.560 destinations and unforgettable experiences. Let chase Sapphire Reserve be your 0:14:48.640 --> 0:14:52.760 passport to adventure. I often say to people, You'll get 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:55.320 to what you want in life, just not in the 0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:58.680 way you imagine it. The problem with the control illusion 0:14:59.120 --> 0:15:02.880 is you have an im you're projecting here and reality 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:07.000 is happening down here, and when reality doesn't match your imagination, 0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:12.160 you think there's something wrong with reality, as opposed to 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:16.080 realizing that in reality, you may get to the result 0:15:16.160 --> 0:15:20.640 of your imagination, but not through the path of your imagination. 0:15:21.440 --> 0:15:25.200 So many people don't get to where they want because 0:15:25.280 --> 0:15:29.920 the path looks different to what they imagined. Don't give 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:33.760 up on your goal because the path looks different. Don't 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:37.840 give up on the result because your road looks different. 0:15:38.640 --> 0:15:42.480 The path, the road, the journey to where you want 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:46.600 to go, is definitely going to look different to what 0:15:46.680 --> 0:15:49.960 you planned. I'm certain of that. There is no one 0:15:50.080 --> 0:15:52.560 in the history of the world who got to where 0:15:52.600 --> 0:15:57.360 they want to in love, relationships, or their career in 0:15:57.440 --> 0:16:00.440 exactly the way they planned. They will all tell you 0:16:00.480 --> 0:16:04.760 there were pivots, there were detours, there were reroutes, there 0:16:04.800 --> 0:16:09.440 were even full on U turns. But the control illusion 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:14.280 trips each and every one of us up. Don't let 0:16:14.320 --> 0:16:18.160 the control illusion be the reason you don't get to 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:20.440 where you want. The control illusion says, well, if it 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:23.440 doesn't happen my way, I don't want it. Well, if 0:16:23.480 --> 0:16:25.480 this is not happening, if this isn't the sign I'm 0:16:25.520 --> 0:16:28.840 being shown, then nothing works. And what ends up happening 0:16:28.920 --> 0:16:32.240 is something amazing could be happening for you, but you 0:16:32.320 --> 0:16:36.000 miss it. It's almost like imagine you're knocking on a 0:16:36.040 --> 0:16:39.760 door and you're waiting for it to open, and while 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.920 you're knocking on that door, three other doors open for you. 0:16:43.360 --> 0:16:45.960 But you're so busy knocking on this door and wondering 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:48.840 why it doesn't open that you miss out on the 0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:51.680 three other doors that were waiting for you to walk 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:55.160 through them. We all do this in our life. We're 0:16:55.200 --> 0:17:01.000 so busy knocking on this door endlessly, don't turn around 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:04.040 to look at the one that's open in inviting us. 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:06.960 I have seen in my life time and time again 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:11.760 that often the doors I want to open don't open immediately, 0:17:12.680 --> 0:17:15.399 And if I would have stayed in that position, that's 0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:18.600 how I stay stuck. If you feel stuck right now, 0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:21.719 it's because you're stuck waiting for one door to open, 0:17:22.240 --> 0:17:25.960 rather than realizing there are three others that are inviting 0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:29.320 you in right now. That's why we feel stuck. We're 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:32.080 waiting on the doorstep, going when will this door open? 0:17:32.240 --> 0:17:35.160 And you can be waiting seven years and the door 0:17:35.200 --> 0:17:37.720 may open in seven years, but you don't know, so 0:17:37.840 --> 0:17:40.800 you stay stuck. You feel stuck, But hey, if you 0:17:40.840 --> 0:17:43.400 walked into the other door, you could come back out 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:45.320 and move into that door in seven years. It will 0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:51.280 work out. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:56.240 needs you to fix it. Stop trying to outrun uncertainty. 0:17:57.119 --> 0:18:02.480 You'll burn out before life slows down. Stop managing everyone's 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:07.359 emotions like it's your full time job. Stop treating peace 0:18:07.960 --> 0:18:11.879 like a project. It's not something you earn, it's something 0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:16.240 you allow. And stop waiting for life to make sense 0:18:17.240 --> 0:18:21.600 it rarely does in real time. And stop gripping the 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:27.199 future so hard you're crushing the present. What's meant for 0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:32.920 you won't need force, Just focus. One of the biggest 0:18:32.960 --> 0:18:37.119 reasons we spiral when plans fall apart is because of 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:41.200 illusion control, the belief we should be able to predict 0:18:41.600 --> 0:18:46.840 and manage everything. But studies from doctor Ellen Langer Harvard 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:52.720 show that people who accept uncertainty actually experience less anxiety 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:57.720 and better performance over time. You can't plan for every twist, 0:18:58.359 --> 0:19:02.199 but you can decide how you respond to it. The 0:19:02.280 --> 0:19:04.480 problem is when we try to plan for every twist, 0:19:04.680 --> 0:19:08.159 we try to be prepared for every pivot, and guess what, 0:19:09.200 --> 0:19:13.800 even trying your best, it won't happen. So here's your reminder. 0:19:14.800 --> 0:19:21.320 Control the next step, Control your response, not the whole story. 0:19:22.560 --> 0:19:24.679 I'm sure you've reached places in your life that you 0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:28.600 never imagined. I'm sure you got over breakups and heartbreak 0:19:28.800 --> 0:19:32.920 you never imagined you would. This feeling you're having right now, 0:19:32.960 --> 0:19:36.399 of being stuck, of feeling like life's not going to plan, 0:19:37.320 --> 0:19:40.960 maybe what opens you up to a bigger plan. We 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:45.439 all think our imagination's pretty good, but the universe's imagination 0:19:46.720 --> 0:19:52.960 far surpasses anything in this limited mind. Just think about 0:19:52.960 --> 0:19:57.040 the Solar System, think about the planets, think about nature. 0:19:58.080 --> 0:20:01.280 Everything is taken care of and every everything is provided for. 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:06.320 It's only us that believe our imagination surpasses that of 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:12.200 the universe. Don't compare your limited imagination to the limitless 0:20:12.280 --> 0:20:17.320 abundance of the universe. The universe has the ability to 0:20:17.440 --> 0:20:21.240 gift you more than you could ever imagine. You may 0:20:21.280 --> 0:20:24.800 think your vision is big, but the universes as bigger 0:20:25.320 --> 0:20:29.080 if you're willing to tap in and tune in. Step 0:20:29.200 --> 0:20:36.320 number three is reframe failure as redirection. You are not 0:20:36.840 --> 0:20:42.920 a failure. You're someone who started. You're not lost. You're 0:20:42.960 --> 0:20:47.880 in between versions of yourself. You're not starting over, You're 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:53.080 re entering with better instincts. You're not finished, but you're 0:20:53.119 --> 0:20:57.040 also not at the start. You're not off track, you're 0:20:57.119 --> 0:21:02.360 off autopilot. See here's the reality. Your brain is wired 0:21:02.560 --> 0:21:06.960 to see failure as danger. The Amigdala lights up, triggering 0:21:07.000 --> 0:21:11.240 a threat response. But when researchers at Columbia studied how 0:21:11.320 --> 0:21:16.480 high performers recover, they found a pattern. They reframe setbacks 0:21:16.880 --> 0:21:25.080 as information, not identity. Stop saying I failed. Try this instead. 0:21:26.240 --> 0:21:30.359 This is feedback I didn't ask for, but maybe I needed. 0:21:31.640 --> 0:21:36.720 This is information that will help me next time. Reframe, Well, 0:21:36.840 --> 0:21:40.960 maybe this isn't the right path for me too. Maybe 0:21:40.960 --> 0:21:44.399 it's just a long way, maybe it's a different way. 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:49.480 Thomas Edison famously said I didn't fail nine nine hundred 0:21:49.480 --> 0:21:53.280 and ninety nine times. I just found nine hundred and 0:21:53.359 --> 0:21:58.919 ninety nine times that it didn't work. That's the shift. 0:21:59.480 --> 0:22:02.239 If you find the one way it works, do you 0:22:02.359 --> 0:22:05.679 care that you tried ninety nine times? I'm guessing not. 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:08.840 So reframe each way to be okay. I just know 0:22:08.920 --> 0:22:11.080 it doesn't work this way, all right, I just know 0:22:11.160 --> 0:22:13.600 it doesn't work this way. This is just not the 0:22:13.600 --> 0:22:16.600 way it works. It works a different way. Let me 0:22:16.640 --> 0:22:22.879 be open to that. Step four use the tiny winds framework. 0:22:23.400 --> 0:22:27.000 When your plan collapses, your sense of momentum often goes 0:22:27.040 --> 0:22:30.560 with it. So how do you rebuild it? Use something 0:22:30.640 --> 0:22:35.920 known as the progress principle from Harvard Business School. Tiny wins, 0:22:36.200 --> 0:22:41.440 even microacts create a measurable increase in confidence and motivation. 0:22:41.960 --> 0:22:43.920 There's a reason when you're growing up as a kid, 0:22:44.160 --> 0:22:46.680 your parents would put lines on the wall to see 0:22:46.680 --> 0:22:49.560 how far you are growing, because when you're close to something, 0:22:50.040 --> 0:22:53.240 you actually miss the growth. Right. You may even see 0:22:53.240 --> 0:22:55.639 that in yourself. Maybe you started working out, maybe you 0:22:55.680 --> 0:22:58.600 started walking ten thousand steps, and someone sees you and 0:22:58.640 --> 0:23:01.200 they say, wow, I can tell you look healthier. I 0:23:01.240 --> 0:23:03.679 can tell you've been taking care of yourself. And you're like, 0:23:03.760 --> 0:23:06.600 no way, I'm still you know, I still want to 0:23:06.640 --> 0:23:08.639 lose or gain this way, I still want to build 0:23:08.640 --> 0:23:13.040 this muscle. When you're figuring out things on your own 0:23:13.119 --> 0:23:16.600 up close, you'll never feel like you're growing. And that's 0:23:16.600 --> 0:23:19.120 why we don't grow, because we're looking for the big wins, 0:23:19.680 --> 0:23:23.520 not the small ones. So here's the question, what's one 0:23:23.640 --> 0:23:28.080 small thing you can complete today that brings you closer 0:23:28.560 --> 0:23:32.119 to what matters. For example, let's say your business failed. 0:23:32.720 --> 0:23:36.119 Don't relaunch the whole brand. Start with a twenty minute 0:23:36.119 --> 0:23:39.719 brainstorm or reach out to one customer to get feedback. 0:23:40.440 --> 0:23:43.000 Maybe you're going through a breakup and instead of trying 0:23:43.040 --> 0:23:45.760 to find love and convince yourself that love still exists, 0:23:46.520 --> 0:23:48.359 you're just going to do something where you enjoy your 0:23:48.359 --> 0:23:54.679 own company. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. Let me 0:23:54.720 --> 0:23:59.840 say that again. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. While 0:23:59.840 --> 0:24:03.239 you waiting for the big miracle, what will motivate you 0:24:03.320 --> 0:24:10.720 more is this small movement. Just start Start small, Start shaky, 0:24:10.960 --> 0:24:15.840 start unsure, Start before you're confident, Start before it makes sense. 0:24:17.000 --> 0:24:20.520 Start with what you have, not with what you wish 0:24:20.560 --> 0:24:26.640 you had. Start ugly, start unprepared, start imperfect, but make 0:24:26.680 --> 0:24:33.520 sure you start Step five. This time expect the plot twist. 0:24:34.160 --> 0:24:36.840 What people don't realize is that as you start building, 0:24:36.960 --> 0:24:41.919 is you start growing, you start to think that everything's 0:24:42.000 --> 0:24:46.679 going to plan. And here's what I realized. So many 0:24:46.720 --> 0:24:52.640 of us are surprised by the plot twist, that we 0:24:52.800 --> 0:24:58.199 shock ourselves into paralysis. I saw an amazing post the 0:24:58.240 --> 0:25:02.399 other day on social media, and it showed two sets 0:25:02.400 --> 0:25:06.280 of water cups. The top water cups all had the 0:25:06.359 --> 0:25:09.320 equal amount of water in them, and on top it said, 0:25:09.880 --> 0:25:14.520 this is what we think consistency looks like. On the 0:25:14.560 --> 0:25:18.280 second line of water cups, one was half full, one 0:25:18.359 --> 0:25:21.399 was three quarters full, one was a quarter full, and 0:25:21.440 --> 0:25:25.280 it said, this is what consistency actually looks like. We 0:25:25.359 --> 0:25:28.320 think when we're in the zone, every day is going 0:25:28.359 --> 0:25:30.320 to be the same. I'm going to work out five 0:25:30.400 --> 0:25:33.639 days a week every week for twelve months. The reality 0:25:33.800 --> 0:25:36.919 is one week you may work out three times, the 0:25:36.960 --> 0:25:40.840 next seven times, the next four times, the next two times, 0:25:40.840 --> 0:25:45.639 the next five times. That's what consistency actually looks like. 0:25:46.040 --> 0:25:48.880 But when you hold on to that plan of five 0:25:48.960 --> 0:25:52.720 days a week perfect workouts, you actually feel further and 0:25:52.760 --> 0:25:56.960 further away from it. Expect the plot twist. According to 0:25:57.000 --> 0:26:01.840 positive Psychology, research by doctor Sonya Bubomirski. People who are 0:26:01.840 --> 0:26:06.480 happier long term tend to be more psychologically flexible. They 0:26:06.480 --> 0:26:10.959 can hold multiple truths at once. So, for example, stop 0:26:11.040 --> 0:26:16.119 saying this wasn't the plan. Try thinking, this wasn't the plan, 0:26:16.720 --> 0:26:20.720 but it might be part of something better. This is 0:26:20.760 --> 0:26:24.320 the shift we need to make. This wasn't the plan, 0:26:25.000 --> 0:26:29.240 but this might lead to something better. All of a sudden, 0:26:29.280 --> 0:26:33.000 the neural pathways of opportunities open up in your mind. 0:26:33.359 --> 0:26:36.639 All of a sudden, you see the possibilities, not just 0:26:36.720 --> 0:26:41.880 the pain. You're not negating, you're not disregarding what you're feeling. 0:26:42.160 --> 0:26:44.600 They can be grief, they can be stressed, but you're 0:26:44.720 --> 0:26:48.080 opening up this vision. Think of the best people you admire, 0:26:48.200 --> 0:26:51.720 the ones with depth, character, soul. None of them got 0:26:51.800 --> 0:26:55.439 there without a plot twist. As the famous saying goes, 0:26:56.119 --> 0:27:00.640 sometimes the plan not working is the plan and working. 0:27:01.440 --> 0:27:07.639