1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:05,240 Speaker 1: Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you 2 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:09,200 Speaker 1: to fix it. You'll burn out before life slows down. 3 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: Stop treating peace like a project. It's not something you earn, 4 00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:17,439 Speaker 1: it's something you allow. And stop gripping the future so 5 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,239 Speaker 1: hard you're crushing the present. The number one Health and 6 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 1: Wellness Podcast, Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy shet Hey, everyone, welcome 7 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,879 Speaker 1: back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning 8 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:37,440 Speaker 1: back into the podcast. If you haven't subscribed already, make 9 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,000 Speaker 1: sure you click the button below so that you never 10 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:45,200 Speaker 1: miss a video. Now. Today's episode is for anyone who's 11 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,320 Speaker 1: ever looked at their life and thought, this is not 12 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: how it was supposed to go. This is not the plan, 13 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,080 Speaker 1: this is not how I imagined it to be. And 14 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,120 Speaker 1: I'm sure so many of you can relate to that. 15 00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,920 Speaker 1: This is not what you wanted, This is not what 16 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:03,480 Speaker 1: you desired, this is not what you wished for, and 17 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:08,679 Speaker 1: you're feeling stuck. Maybe you didn't get the job, maybe 18 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: the relationship ended, maybe you're nowhere near where you thought 19 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:17,800 Speaker 1: you'd be by now. If you feel stuck, if you 20 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:22,680 Speaker 1: feel lost, if you feel confused, this episode is for you. 21 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 1: And before we dive in, I want you to hear 22 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 1: this clearly, that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means 23 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:35,479 Speaker 1: you're in the part of the story you didn't plan for, 24 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: and sometimes that's where the real story begins. I want 25 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 1: you to recognize that you feeling stuck right now is 26 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 1: not the end. You're feeling stuck right now is not 27 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 1: a failure. You're feeling stuck right now is not where 28 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:57,440 Speaker 1: the story finishes. By you being here right now, this 29 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: is where we rewrite that narrative. It's where you make 30 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 1: that shift, and it's where you feel the switch in 31 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,960 Speaker 1: your life. If you follow what I'm about to share 32 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,799 Speaker 1: in this episode, you will actually be able to reclaim 33 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: ownership over your own life, over your own mind, and 34 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:21,519 Speaker 1: move in the direction that you want and actually even better. 35 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,280 Speaker 1: That's what I want you to understand today that the 36 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 1: position you're in right now may not be where you 37 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:31,120 Speaker 1: want to be, but it can be the launchpad of 38 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:35,799 Speaker 1: something even better. So today I want to walk you 39 00:02:35,919 --> 00:02:41,160 Speaker 1: through six science backsteps to rebuild your mindset when life 40 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:45,600 Speaker 1: takes a turn you didn't expect. Let's get into it. 41 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: Step one is learning to pause the inner critic and 42 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 1: activate the observer. This is an idea that I learned 43 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,360 Speaker 1: about during my time as a monk in recognizing the 44 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: different voices that exist in our mind. There's the voice 45 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:08,080 Speaker 1: that's always loud, there's the voice that's always certain, and 46 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 1: then there's that quiet observer. Now, a lot of people 47 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:13,800 Speaker 1: ask me this question, Jay, how do I know the 48 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:18,320 Speaker 1: difference between my inner critic and my intuition? How do 49 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 1: I know the difference between my mind and my intuition? Right? 50 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:24,880 Speaker 1: It can be hard. It can feel like there are 51 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:27,280 Speaker 1: a lot of voices, There are a lot of noises 52 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,720 Speaker 1: going on inside your mind. How do you decipher? How 53 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: do you make sense of it? Here's what I've learned. 54 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:39,640 Speaker 1: Your mind is certain and loud. Right, it will say 55 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 1: to you. Don't do that. You'll look like a fool. 56 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,280 Speaker 1: Don't do that at work, everyone will see it. Don't 57 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:50,080 Speaker 1: speak up because you might say something stupid. It's loud 58 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:58,680 Speaker 1: and it's certain, but the intuition is quiet and it's curious. Hey, 59 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 1: maybe you should try that out. Hey, you know what. 60 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,840 Speaker 1: I think you might be really good at that. Why 61 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 1: don't we follow it? Hey, you know what, you have 62 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:10,080 Speaker 1: a really good idea. Everyone may not get it, but 63 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 1: it's worth sharing it. Take a moment to notice the 64 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:20,520 Speaker 1: different voices that exist within you. Your inner critic is certain 65 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 1: and loud. You will look like a fall, You're a failure, 66 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: you got it wrong. You're not good enough, you're not 67 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 1: smart enough, you're not pretty enough. Very certain, very loud. 68 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: The intuition says, I feel like I like this. I 69 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,560 Speaker 1: think I'm passionate about this. I think I'm excited about this. 70 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 1: In a difficult position, it says, I think we might 71 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,599 Speaker 1: get out of this if we try this. But the 72 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,520 Speaker 1: inner critic says, no, don't try it. It's not worth 73 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,880 Speaker 1: your time. It's a waste of time. You're just stuck. 74 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 1: So here's what I want you to think about. The 75 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: more you listen to that quot yet, to that curious 76 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 1: inner voice, the less you will be affected by that loud, 77 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:12,840 Speaker 1: certain noise of the mind. The reason why the intuition 78 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,800 Speaker 1: has got so quiet is because it's been ignored. What 79 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: happens to you when you feel like a friend isn't 80 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: paying you attention, You shut down, You get quiet, You 81 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,720 Speaker 1: don't make as much noise. That's what's happened to our intuition. 82 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:34,119 Speaker 1: It's faded into the background. It's taken the passenger seat, 83 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 1: sometimes from the back of the car. It may whisper, 84 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,080 Speaker 1: hey take a left, Hey take a right. Try this out. 85 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 1: But the more we listen to it, the stronger that 86 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 1: voice becomes, the more confidence it gains. So it's really 87 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,040 Speaker 1: important first of all, to know the difference between your 88 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,440 Speaker 1: inner critic and your mind. And I would even give 89 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,279 Speaker 1: them a name, give them a personality, so you know 90 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,320 Speaker 1: the difference. Right. The reason why we know which friends 91 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: are good for us and which aren't is because we 92 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 1: remember their name, We remember what they look like. The 93 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:08,159 Speaker 1: problem is, the voices in our head don't have a face. 94 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,919 Speaker 1: The voices in our head don't have a personality. We 95 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,280 Speaker 1: have to create one for them. So choose a name 96 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,760 Speaker 1: for your mind that feels like it's nagging you, forcing 97 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,760 Speaker 1: you to do what's right, a name that feels like that. 98 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,760 Speaker 1: And then choose a name for your intuition, that good friend, 99 00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:30,039 Speaker 1: that deep friend, that sincere, genuine person who really wants 100 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 1: to help you, who really wants to make a difference 101 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,560 Speaker 1: in your life. The next thing we have to do 102 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:42,000 Speaker 1: is learn to speak to ourselves with the kindness and 103 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,920 Speaker 1: the empathy we would use to speak to someone we love. 104 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 1: Something I've noticed about high performing people. Having sat down 105 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,360 Speaker 1: with so many are now is that they have two traits. 106 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: They are high standards and high grace. High standards make sense. 107 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,239 Speaker 1: They want to be the best. They want to push themselves, 108 00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:04,679 Speaker 1: they want to drive, they want to succeed in business, 109 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 1: in their career, in their passion, in their purpose. And 110 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 1: we should all have high standards. If we don't demand 111 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:16,720 Speaker 1: high standards of ourselves, we will shrink to very low 112 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 1: expectations of others. Think about that for a second. If 113 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 1: you don't set high standards for yourself, you will shrink 114 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: to the low expectations of others. But here's the most 115 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: important part. Everyone who has high standards, who achieves them, 116 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: has high grace, the ability to recognize that actually guilt 117 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: blocks growth. Shame doesn't lead to change. I won't shift 118 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 1: myself by guilty myself. I won't become better by making 119 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 1: myself feel bad for too long. It may work in 120 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:59,280 Speaker 1: the short term. There's an amazing speech by Roger Federer 121 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,840 Speaker 1: where he talked about how when he's playing a point, 122 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 1: it is the most important point in the world, but 123 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: when that point is over, whether he won or lost, 124 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,440 Speaker 1: that point is the least important point. 125 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,320 Speaker 2: In the world. 126 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 1: That is the difference between high standards and also having 127 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: high grace when you're playing the point, when you're in 128 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 1: the moment, you take it seriously. When you lose, when 129 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: things don't go to plan, When things don't go in 130 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 1: the way you imagined, they weren't that important. Remember this. 131 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: Stop saying mean things to yourself you'd never say to 132 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:46,040 Speaker 1: someone else. Stop being critical in your head just because 133 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 1: no one else can hear it. Stop believing your worst 134 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 1: thoughts just because they're loud. Stop mistaking your inner critic 135 00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 1: for your inner truth. Start listening to how you speak 136 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 1: to yourself, because no one lives in your head more 137 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,080 Speaker 1: than you do. It's natural. I get it. When life 138 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,200 Speaker 1: doesn't go to plan, the first instinct is to blame, 139 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:16,080 Speaker 1: and mostly toward ourselves. I should have known better, I 140 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:20,320 Speaker 1: should have done more. But here's what Research from self 141 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: compassion expert doctor Christin Nelf shows self judgment in moments 142 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:30,959 Speaker 1: of failure increases cortisol. Think about that for a second. 143 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:37,560 Speaker 1: Self judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. It decreases 144 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: motivation and keeps you stuck in shame. How many times 145 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 1: have you done that? You make a mistake and now 146 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,680 Speaker 1: you're beating yourself up about it, not just in the 147 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:48,840 Speaker 1: morning when you look in the mirror, but at night, 148 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 1: before your head hits the pillow. You're constantly replaying that 149 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,559 Speaker 1: moment you messed up at work. Maybe you want the 150 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,840 Speaker 1: perfect parent today, and all of a sudden, you've gone 151 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:00,240 Speaker 1: from wanting to be the perfect parent to believe even 152 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:04,840 Speaker 1: you're the worst parent of all time. Your motivation decreases, 153 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:08,640 Speaker 1: your quarters all increases, and it keeps you stuck in shame. 154 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 1: You can't shift from shame. So what helps instead mindful 155 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:21,400 Speaker 1: self observation. It's the shift from I messed up? Two? 156 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:28,400 Speaker 1: Interesting this thing go how I thought? Stop saying I'm 157 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:33,679 Speaker 1: not good enough. You're not lazy. You're drained from carrying 158 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:38,680 Speaker 1: what no one sees. You're not falling behind. You're healing 159 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 1: in a world that rewards burnout. You're not the problem. 160 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:48,840 Speaker 1: The pressure is. You're not unmotivated. You're tired of pretending 161 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:54,240 Speaker 1: you're fine. You're not lost. You're just not on someone 162 00:10:54,360 --> 00:11:01,679 Speaker 1: else's timeline, and you're not stuck. You're processing, and that counts. 163 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:08,240 Speaker 1: Step number two. Let go of the control illusion. One 164 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,680 Speaker 1: of the reasons why we don't like it when things 165 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,960 Speaker 1: don't go to plan is we wanted everything perfectly controlled, 166 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 1: We had everything mapped out. Maybe you had a color 167 00:11:17,559 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: coded spreadsheet right and you wanted everything to happen exactly 168 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:26,000 Speaker 1: how it was mapped out. That control illusion creates so 169 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 1: much resistance in our life. Sometimes the things you can't 170 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,640 Speaker 1: plan for a control are really big and hard, and 171 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 1: sometimes they happen in the most beautiful way. Have you 172 00:11:35,679 --> 00:11:37,840 Speaker 1: ever noticed how the best parts of a trip or 173 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,559 Speaker 1: moments in life are never the ones you actually planned. 174 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: I think about this. One time RADI and I had 175 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,120 Speaker 1: everything mapped out, full schedule, that's how I like to function, 176 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,200 Speaker 1: but someone casually invited us to this gathering, no real 177 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:54,120 Speaker 1: dress code, no plan, no agenda. We showed up and 178 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,680 Speaker 1: it turned into one of the most meaningful nights of 179 00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:01,880 Speaker 1: the year. No cameras, no expectations, just connection, the kind 180 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,160 Speaker 1: of night where you forget to check your phone because 181 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,600 Speaker 1: you're so into it. And then there was another time 182 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,880 Speaker 1: I was in La, completely exhausted, a friend texting me 183 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 1: last minute, come to this dinner. I almost said no, 184 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: but I went and I ended up in a backyard 185 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,360 Speaker 1: eating amazing food, having a live stand up comedy show. 186 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,400 Speaker 1: Surrounded by people I'd never met who somehow felt like 187 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:26,600 Speaker 1: old friends. That moment wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't 188 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 1: plan it, but it stayed with me. It shifted something. 189 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,040 Speaker 1: That's the kind of traveling moments I crave, not just 190 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 1: the sites or the luxury, but those rare, unexpected experiences 191 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,559 Speaker 1: that wake you up a little. We all chase destinations, 192 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: but what we're really chasing is that spark, that a liveness. 193 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:49,679 Speaker 1: And when a door opens to something like that, whether 194 00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: it's a private dinner, a behind the scenes moment, or 195 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 1: something you couldn't have found on your own, I'm saying 196 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:59,480 Speaker 1: yes every time, because in the end, it's not about 197 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: where you were, it's about how it made you feel. 198 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:06,680 Speaker 1: I'm excited to continue this conversation, but first a word 199 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:12,839 Speaker 1: from our sponsors Unforgettable Adventures would Chase Sapphire. 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I often say to people, You'll get 226 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 1: to what you want in life, just not in the 227 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:58,680 Speaker 1: way you imagine it. The problem with the control illusion 228 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:02,880 Speaker 1: is you have an im you're projecting here and reality 229 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:07,000 Speaker 1: is happening down here, and when reality doesn't match your imagination, 230 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:12,160 Speaker 1: you think there's something wrong with reality, as opposed to 231 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 1: realizing that in reality, you may get to the result 232 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: of your imagination, but not through the path of your imagination. 233 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:25,200 Speaker 1: So many people don't get to where they want because 234 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,920 Speaker 1: the path looks different to what they imagined. Don't give 235 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,760 Speaker 1: up on your goal because the path looks different. Don't 236 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,840 Speaker 1: give up on the result because your road looks different. 237 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 1: The path, the road, the journey to where you want 238 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:46,600 Speaker 1: to go, is definitely going to look different to what 239 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,960 Speaker 1: you planned. I'm certain of that. There is no one 240 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,560 Speaker 1: in the history of the world who got to where 241 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: they want to in love, relationships, or their career in 242 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 1: exactly the way they planned. They will all tell you 243 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:04,760 Speaker 1: there were pivots, there were detours, there were reroutes, there 244 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: were even full on U turns. But the control illusion 245 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: trips each and every one of us up. Don't let 246 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 1: the control illusion be the reason you don't get to 247 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,440 Speaker 1: where you want. The control illusion says, well, if it 248 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 1: doesn't happen my way, I don't want it. Well, if 249 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,480 Speaker 1: this is not happening, if this isn't the sign I'm 250 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,840 Speaker 1: being shown, then nothing works. And what ends up happening 251 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:32,240 Speaker 1: is something amazing could be happening for you, but you 252 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: miss it. It's almost like imagine you're knocking on a 253 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 1: door and you're waiting for it to open, and while 254 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,920 Speaker 1: you're knocking on that door, three other doors open for you. 255 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,960 Speaker 1: But you're so busy knocking on this door and wondering 256 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 1: why it doesn't open that you miss out on the 257 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 1: three other doors that were waiting for you to walk 258 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:55,160 Speaker 1: through them. We all do this in our life. We're 259 00:16:55,200 --> 00:17:01,000 Speaker 1: so busy knocking on this door endlessly, don't turn around 260 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 1: to look at the one that's open in inviting us. 261 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,960 Speaker 1: I have seen in my life time and time again 262 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:11,760 Speaker 1: that often the doors I want to open don't open immediately, 263 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,399 Speaker 1: And if I would have stayed in that position, that's 264 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 1: how I stay stuck. If you feel stuck right now, 265 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,719 Speaker 1: it's because you're stuck waiting for one door to open, 266 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 1: rather than realizing there are three others that are inviting 267 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:29,320 Speaker 1: you in right now. That's why we feel stuck. We're 268 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 1: waiting on the doorstep, going when will this door open? 269 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,160 Speaker 1: And you can be waiting seven years and the door 270 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,720 Speaker 1: may open in seven years, but you don't know, so 271 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,800 Speaker 1: you stay stuck. You feel stuck, But hey, if you 272 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,400 Speaker 1: walked into the other door, you could come back out 273 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 1: and move into that door in seven years. It will 274 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:51,280 Speaker 1: work out. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken 275 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:56,240 Speaker 1: needs you to fix it. Stop trying to outrun uncertainty. 276 00:17:57,119 --> 00:18:02,480 Speaker 1: You'll burn out before life slows down. Stop managing everyone's 277 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:07,359 Speaker 1: emotions like it's your full time job. Stop treating peace 278 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:11,879 Speaker 1: like a project. It's not something you earn, it's something 279 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:16,240 Speaker 1: you allow. And stop waiting for life to make sense 280 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 1: it rarely does in real time. And stop gripping the 281 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:27,199 Speaker 1: future so hard you're crushing the present. What's meant for 282 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:32,920 Speaker 1: you won't need force, Just focus. One of the biggest 283 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:37,119 Speaker 1: reasons we spiral when plans fall apart is because of 284 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:41,200 Speaker 1: illusion control, the belief we should be able to predict 285 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:46,840 Speaker 1: and manage everything. But studies from doctor Ellen Langer Harvard 286 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:52,720 Speaker 1: show that people who accept uncertainty actually experience less anxiety 287 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:57,720 Speaker 1: and better performance over time. You can't plan for every twist, 288 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:02,199 Speaker 1: but you can decide how you respond to it. The 289 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,480 Speaker 1: problem is when we try to plan for every twist, 290 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:08,159 Speaker 1: we try to be prepared for every pivot, and guess what, 291 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,800 Speaker 1: even trying your best, it won't happen. So here's your reminder. 292 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:21,320 Speaker 1: Control the next step, Control your response, not the whole story. 293 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,679 Speaker 1: I'm sure you've reached places in your life that you 294 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:28,600 Speaker 1: never imagined. I'm sure you got over breakups and heartbreak 295 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 1: you never imagined you would. This feeling you're having right now, 296 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,399 Speaker 1: of being stuck, of feeling like life's not going to plan, 297 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,960 Speaker 1: maybe what opens you up to a bigger plan. We 298 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:45,439 Speaker 1: all think our imagination's pretty good, but the universe's imagination 299 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 1: far surpasses anything in this limited mind. Just think about 300 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:57,040 Speaker 1: the Solar System, think about the planets, think about nature. 301 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 1: Everything is taken care of and every everything is provided for. 302 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 1: It's only us that believe our imagination surpasses that of 303 00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: the universe. Don't compare your limited imagination to the limitless 304 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:17,320 Speaker 1: abundance of the universe. The universe has the ability to 305 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 1: gift you more than you could ever imagine. You may 306 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 1: think your vision is big, but the universes as bigger 307 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 1: if you're willing to tap in and tune in. Step 308 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:36,320 Speaker 1: number three is reframe failure as redirection. You are not 309 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:42,920 Speaker 1: a failure. You're someone who started. You're not lost. You're 310 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:47,880 Speaker 1: in between versions of yourself. You're not starting over, You're 311 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:53,080 Speaker 1: re entering with better instincts. You're not finished, but you're 312 00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:57,040 Speaker 1: also not at the start. You're not off track, you're 313 00:20:57,119 --> 00:21:02,360 Speaker 1: off autopilot. See here's the reality. Your brain is wired 314 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:06,960 Speaker 1: to see failure as danger. The Amigdala lights up, triggering 315 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:11,240 Speaker 1: a threat response. But when researchers at Columbia studied how 316 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:16,480 Speaker 1: high performers recover, they found a pattern. They reframe setbacks 317 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: as information, not identity. Stop saying I failed. Try this instead. 318 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:30,359 Speaker 1: This is feedback I didn't ask for, but maybe I needed. 319 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:36,720 Speaker 1: This is information that will help me next time. Reframe, Well, 320 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,960 Speaker 1: maybe this isn't the right path for me too. Maybe 321 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,399 Speaker 1: it's just a long way, maybe it's a different way. 322 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:49,480 Speaker 1: Thomas Edison famously said I didn't fail nine nine hundred 323 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:53,280 Speaker 1: and ninety nine times. I just found nine hundred and 324 00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:58,919 Speaker 1: ninety nine times that it didn't work. That's the shift. 325 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,239 Speaker 1: If you find the one way it works, do you 326 00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:05,679 Speaker 1: care that you tried ninety nine times? I'm guessing not. 327 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,840 Speaker 1: So reframe each way to be okay. I just know 328 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,080 Speaker 1: it doesn't work this way, all right, I just know 329 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,600 Speaker 1: it doesn't work this way. This is just not the 330 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,600 Speaker 1: way it works. It works a different way. Let me 331 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:22,879 Speaker 1: be open to that. Step four use the tiny winds framework. 332 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:27,000 Speaker 1: When your plan collapses, your sense of momentum often goes 333 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 1: with it. So how do you rebuild it? Use something 334 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:35,920 Speaker 1: known as the progress principle from Harvard Business School. Tiny wins, 335 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:41,440 Speaker 1: even microacts create a measurable increase in confidence and motivation. 336 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,920 Speaker 1: There's a reason when you're growing up as a kid, 337 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,680 Speaker 1: your parents would put lines on the wall to see 338 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,560 Speaker 1: how far you are growing, because when you're close to something, 339 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,240 Speaker 1: you actually miss the growth. Right. You may even see 340 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,639 Speaker 1: that in yourself. Maybe you started working out, maybe you 341 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,600 Speaker 1: started walking ten thousand steps, and someone sees you and 342 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,200 Speaker 1: they say, wow, I can tell you look healthier. I 343 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,679 Speaker 1: can tell you've been taking care of yourself. And you're like, 344 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,600 Speaker 1: no way, I'm still you know, I still want to 345 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,639 Speaker 1: lose or gain this way, I still want to build 346 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:13,040 Speaker 1: this muscle. When you're figuring out things on your own 347 00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:16,600 Speaker 1: up close, you'll never feel like you're growing. And that's 348 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,120 Speaker 1: why we don't grow, because we're looking for the big wins, 349 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: not the small ones. So here's the question, what's one 350 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 1: small thing you can complete today that brings you closer 351 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:32,119 Speaker 1: to what matters. For example, let's say your business failed. 352 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,119 Speaker 1: Don't relaunch the whole brand. Start with a twenty minute 353 00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:39,719 Speaker 1: brainstorm or reach out to one customer to get feedback. 354 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:43,000 Speaker 1: Maybe you're going through a breakup and instead of trying 355 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,760 Speaker 1: to find love and convince yourself that love still exists, 356 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,359 Speaker 1: you're just going to do something where you enjoy your 357 00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:54,679 Speaker 1: own company. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. Let me 358 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:59,840 Speaker 1: say that again. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. While 359 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,239 Speaker 1: you waiting for the big miracle, what will motivate you 360 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 1: more is this small movement. Just start Start small, Start shaky, 361 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:15,840 Speaker 1: start unsure, Start before you're confident, Start before it makes sense. 362 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,520 Speaker 1: Start with what you have, not with what you wish 363 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:26,640 Speaker 1: you had. Start ugly, start unprepared, start imperfect, but make 364 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:33,520 Speaker 1: sure you start Step five. This time expect the plot twist. 365 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,840 Speaker 1: What people don't realize is that as you start building, 366 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:41,919 Speaker 1: is you start growing, you start to think that everything's 367 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:46,679 Speaker 1: going to plan. And here's what I realized. So many 368 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:52,640 Speaker 1: of us are surprised by the plot twist, that we 369 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:58,199 Speaker 1: shock ourselves into paralysis. I saw an amazing post the 370 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:02,399 Speaker 1: other day on social media, and it showed two sets 371 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,280 Speaker 1: of water cups. The top water cups all had the 372 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,320 Speaker 1: equal amount of water in them, and on top it said, 373 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,520 Speaker 1: this is what we think consistency looks like. On the 374 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:18,280 Speaker 1: second line of water cups, one was half full, one 375 00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:21,399 Speaker 1: was three quarters full, one was a quarter full, and 376 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 1: it said, this is what consistency actually looks like. We 377 00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,320 Speaker 1: think when we're in the zone, every day is going 378 00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:30,320 Speaker 1: to be the same. I'm going to work out five 379 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 1: days a week every week for twelve months. The reality 380 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,919 Speaker 1: is one week you may work out three times, the 381 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,840 Speaker 1: next seven times, the next four times, the next two times, 382 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:45,639 Speaker 1: the next five times. That's what consistency actually looks like. 383 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,880 Speaker 1: But when you hold on to that plan of five 384 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,720 Speaker 1: days a week perfect workouts, you actually feel further and 385 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,960 Speaker 1: further away from it. Expect the plot twist. According to 386 00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:01,840 Speaker 1: positive Psychology, research by doctor Sonya Bubomirski. People who are 387 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:06,480 Speaker 1: happier long term tend to be more psychologically flexible. They 388 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:10,959 Speaker 1: can hold multiple truths at once. So, for example, stop 389 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:16,119 Speaker 1: saying this wasn't the plan. Try thinking, this wasn't the plan, 390 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,720 Speaker 1: but it might be part of something better. This is 391 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:24,320 Speaker 1: the shift we need to make. This wasn't the plan, 392 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:29,240 Speaker 1: but this might lead to something better. All of a sudden, 393 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:33,000 Speaker 1: the neural pathways of opportunities open up in your mind. 394 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:36,639 Speaker 1: All of a sudden, you see the possibilities, not just 395 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:41,880 Speaker 1: the pain. You're not negating, you're not disregarding what you're feeling. 396 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 1: They can be grief, they can be stressed, but you're 397 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,080 Speaker 1: opening up this vision. Think of the best people you admire, 398 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,720 Speaker 1: the ones with depth, character, soul. None of them got 399 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,439 Speaker 1: there without a plot twist. As the famous saying goes, 400 00:26:56,119 --> 00:27:00,640 Speaker 1: sometimes the plan not working is the plan and working. 401 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:07,639 Speaker 1: Sometimes things going wrong is actually them going right. Sometimes 402 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,720 Speaker 1: things that look like a curse end up being the 403 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:16,359 Speaker 1: blessing if you are open to see it, if you're 404 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:20,280 Speaker 1: open to view it, if you're open to the possibilities 405 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:26,320 Speaker 1: and opportunities, and step number six, let curiosity lead you forward. 406 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:31,879 Speaker 1: When things fall apart, don't rush to the next big fix. 407 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:39,760 Speaker 1: Instead follow curiosity. Research from neuroscientist doctor Mary Helen Immordino 408 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:45,560 Speaker 1: Yang shows that curiosity activates a deeper cognitive state tied 409 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:50,600 Speaker 1: to purpose and resilience. When you ask what if instead 410 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:55,760 Speaker 1: of what now? You open doors instead of closing them. 411 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,720 Speaker 1: Journal about this. Think of a time in your life 412 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:04,080 Speaker 1: where you were convinced it was the end, it was 413 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:08,200 Speaker 1: a failure, and it was the worst thing that could 414 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:11,320 Speaker 1: have happened to you. And how it became an opportunity 415 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:17,080 Speaker 1: for something you never imagined. That's what's amazing. When things 416 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:21,840 Speaker 1: don't go to plan, you get the opportunity to build 417 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:26,680 Speaker 1: off plan. When things don't go as you imagined, things 418 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,680 Speaker 1: can actually turn out better than you could have ever 419 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:34,199 Speaker 1: thought of. Open your mind to that. Reflect on this, 420 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,440 Speaker 1: what if? This is the exact moment I was meant 421 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:43,360 Speaker 1: to reset? So I get it. Life hasn't gone to 422 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:47,760 Speaker 1: plan lately, and it's the worst. It's hard, it's tough, 423 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:54,000 Speaker 1: it's difficult, But remember this. The plan was never the point. 424 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:58,040 Speaker 1: The growth was and the goal was. You don't need 425 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,280 Speaker 1: to know what comes next, You just need to know 426 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 1: that this is not the end. This is the part 427 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:09,880 Speaker 1: where you choose how the story continues. Thank you so 428 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:12,680 Speaker 1: much for listening. If this helped you, share it with 429 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:16,880 Speaker 1: someone who else is in there in between, And remember 430 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:20,080 Speaker 1: sometimes this is what it takes. I want you to 431 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,800 Speaker 1: remember you'll get to what you want in life, just 432 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,320 Speaker 1: not in the way you imagined it. You don't have 433 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:27,680 Speaker 1: to give up on the goal. You just have to 434 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:30,920 Speaker 1: focus on the growth. I'll catch you in the next episode. 435 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,600 Speaker 1: Leave a comment. Let me know which journal imprompt you're doing, 436 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:37,480 Speaker 1: what you're reflecting on. I want to see what's connecting 437 00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:41,480 Speaker 1: with you, what you're engaging with, And remember, keep moving. 438 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:46,840 Speaker 1: You're not lazy, you're tired, You're not behind. You're human. 439 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:52,120 Speaker 1: Not every thought is truth, Some are just noise. Not 440 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:56,920 Speaker 1: every voice in your head deserves a microphone. You've survived 441 00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:01,479 Speaker 1: every hard day so far. You're allowed to speak to 442 00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:09,000 Speaker 1: yourself with respect. Growth sounds like kindness, not cruelty. You 443 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:13,440 Speaker 1: don't get stronger by tearing yourself down. If you love 444 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:17,120 Speaker 1: this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel Aman 445 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:20,240 Speaker 1: on how to change your life by changing your brain. 446 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:25,640 Speaker 2: If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with 447 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,920 Speaker 2: a healthy brain. You know I've had the blessing or 448 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:33,440 Speaker 2: the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and 449 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:37,360 Speaker 2: over one hundred murderers, and their brains are very damaged.