1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,680 Speaker 1: What's up you guys are listening to the Velvet Edge podcast. 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:05,320 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson from velvets Edge dot com and 3 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:11,840 Speaker 1: today we are talking about relationships. Obviously, finding and maintaining 4 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,320 Speaker 1: a healthy relationship as a topic that I talk about 5 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: with all of my friends and have for years, but 6 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,440 Speaker 1: it wasn't until recently, and mostly because of my role 7 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,160 Speaker 1: in Very Cavalry, that I've opened up to start having 8 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 1: this this conversation publicly. Honestly, if you are one of 9 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 1: those people who's going to try to say to me 10 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: that you have this perfect relationship or that finding love 11 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:34,599 Speaker 1: and happiness is just easy peasy, I'm probably gonna think 12 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,760 Speaker 1: you're a liar or just the luckiest person in the world. 13 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,240 Speaker 1: I personally feel like dating in relationships involves so much 14 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,360 Speaker 1: more than just this magical, fairy tale fantasy world we've 15 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:46,879 Speaker 1: seen in the movies. In fact, if you've seen any 16 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,320 Speaker 1: episodes of Very Cavalry, you've seen me on the show 17 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,040 Speaker 1: talking about the true struggles of dating in your thirties 18 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: and just how tough it can be for anyone to 19 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 1: find a real relationship in the land of dating apps 20 00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,720 Speaker 1: and social media. So my guest this week on the 21 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 1: pod cast is here to help us all. Samantha Burns 22 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: is a licensed mental health counselor specializing in love and relationships. 23 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,960 Speaker 1: She is the founder of love successfully dot com, where 24 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,119 Speaker 1: she creates content with guys to dating as well as 25 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,040 Speaker 1: gives tips on how to maximize the potential of the 26 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 1: relationships that you're already in if you are already coupled up. 27 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,479 Speaker 1: Samantha is also the author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back, 28 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,640 Speaker 1: Moving On to Create the love life You Deserve. She 29 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,679 Speaker 1: believes there's some key pieces that most people are missing 30 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: when they're looking for their partner and dating. Also, once 31 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,520 Speaker 1: you do find someone to settle down with, just the 32 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,160 Speaker 1: basic mistakes that most people make in their couple ship 33 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:41,000 Speaker 1: that can lead to huge miscommunication, miscommunications, and even the 34 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,640 Speaker 1: demise of the relationship. So, now that you know that 35 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:54,480 Speaker 1: she's legit, here's what she had to say. I am 36 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: here with Samantha burn She is a licensed mental health counselor. 37 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 1: She's also the author of the new book Breaking Up 38 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,720 Speaker 1: and Bouncing Back. It's about moving on to create the 39 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 1: love life you deserve. Um. Hi, Samantha, Hello, thanks for 40 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 1: having me Kelly. Of course, I'm so excited you actually 41 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 1: messaged me on Instagram and what you can't remember exactly 42 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 1: what you said, but you maybe you had watched very 43 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,760 Speaker 1: cavaliery I had, and I basically said, I'm like a 44 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: creepy fight into I'm not a dude, and hopefully I'm 45 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 1: not too creepy. Know you weren't, but you have seen 46 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:32,800 Speaker 1: my dating struggles on the show and kind of could 47 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:36,359 Speaker 1: relate or heard maybe heard some stories similar. And that's 48 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,920 Speaker 1: what you do, right, this is exactly what I do. 49 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 1: And like seeing you on the show and talking about 50 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 1: your dating life and just the struggles and maybe a 51 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 1: big break up you have gone through. I I just 52 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,080 Speaker 1: knew I had to reach out to you because you, 53 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,280 Speaker 1: my friend, are not alone. So many people go through 54 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 1: similar issues. So talk me through that. Let's say, like 55 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 1: you deal with both people who are dating and also 56 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 1: people who are in really relationships. What's the main thing 57 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:06,080 Speaker 1: you see out there with people dating now nowadays? The 58 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:10,080 Speaker 1: main struggle, I guess because well, with dating, you know, 59 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,119 Speaker 1: the most popular way to meet nowadays is online. So 60 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,440 Speaker 1: the way technology has just influenced the way people are 61 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: meeting has really I feel like de humanized us into 62 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 1: these little like emojis on the screen. So I feel 63 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,799 Speaker 1: like people are just doing all sources terrible behave. You're 64 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 1: like ghosting and just like not treating other people like 65 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:33,120 Speaker 1: human beings. And so there's this big I think grass 66 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 1: is Greener epidemic right where everyone just thinks that there's 67 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: this next best thing online with the swipe of a finger. 68 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 1: So people aren't really giving anyone a chance, and they're 69 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 1: they're making their decisions, their dating decisions, based off of 70 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 1: one or two little things that might not be a 71 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: big deal in the grand scheme of life, but because 72 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,040 Speaker 1: they have access to so many other options, I think 73 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 1: that just seeing more critical and um not really dating 74 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: with intent. Well, so tell me, what are a couple 75 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,240 Speaker 1: of examples of that, Like, what do you mean they're 76 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:07,600 Speaker 1: just seeing? They're seeing a couple of things like like 77 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: what they literally that the guy is not six feet tall, 78 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:16,720 Speaker 1: or that he's going bald, or that they like don't 79 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 1: like the outfit that this guy or girl showed up in. Um, 80 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 1: like really superficial things. But I think people obviously place 81 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 1: a lot of emphasis on that initial spark for this 82 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: initial chemistry or attraction, which does play a role, but 83 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 1: it can also really mislead your dating decisions. Um, because 84 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,760 Speaker 1: we get so swayed by this idea of spark or 85 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 1: what's really it's lost and it's a neural tunical response 86 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 1: that we're having, so we're not digging deeper for the 87 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 1: things that that are, Like, you know, do we both 88 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,480 Speaker 1: even want relationship? Do we want kids? Do we have 89 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 1: similar beliefs on like politics or religion or spirituality or 90 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 1: all these things that kind of govern how we live 91 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 1: our lives, which I call your core values, the things 92 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 1: that are would be most important to you. Um. So 93 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,920 Speaker 1: someone could be a really great match, but because um 94 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 1: or like maybe they don't call or text you like 95 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: the exact second you want them to, and so you 96 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 1: just like move on because you're piste. Um Or they 97 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,760 Speaker 1: wait too or or they do text you right away 98 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,520 Speaker 1: and you feel like, oh that's that's too easier, So 99 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,160 Speaker 1: not enough of a challenge with God. They must be desperate. 100 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,800 Speaker 1: Even though realistically, when you're dating from a secure mindset, 101 00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 1: which we can talk about, like, it's really great when 102 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,360 Speaker 1: someone's communicative and that's you know that they want to 103 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,600 Speaker 1: see you again. I actually love that. I love the 104 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: no games. Here's where I'm at, just putting it out 105 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 1: there kind of thing, right, And doesn't it make it 106 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:45,800 Speaker 1: so much easier because you know what page they're on 107 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 1: and you're not sitting there like waiting by your phone 108 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,800 Speaker 1: or trying to over analyze and waste your own person's 109 00:05:51,839 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 1: emotional time and energy figuring out decoding um behavior. Absolutely. 110 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: I think that's, especially as I've gotten older. One of 111 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 1: the main things in dating that I really really want 112 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,000 Speaker 1: it's just someone to be direct. I don't want to 113 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 1: play games because it's exhausting, and it really is exhausting. 114 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 1: And it's interesting because there's there's some gender differences in 115 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:19,280 Speaker 1: how men and women like to date or be communicated with, 116 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,600 Speaker 1: and so women kind of like more innocuous, like they 117 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: don't like the straight up hey, I would find you attractive, 118 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,200 Speaker 1: I would love to get to know you or take 119 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: you out. They like someone who feels a little safer, 120 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 1: where you're not sure of their intentions, but you feel 121 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,960 Speaker 1: like you can trust them because they come in with like, uh, 122 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe they see you at the grocery. 123 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,920 Speaker 1: So this happened to me like last year or so, 124 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 1: when I'm married, but this guy came up to me, 125 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: He's like, Hey, how do I tell these raspberries are right? 126 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 1: And I was like, if I was single, like I 127 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,719 Speaker 1: would totally to out with this guy. But that men 128 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 1: do like a straight up approach. So if you're a 129 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,440 Speaker 1: confident woman and you're just like, hey, I really want 130 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,080 Speaker 1: to come over and talk to you, Um, are you single? 131 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 1: Or I think you're cute? Like what's up? They really 132 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,800 Speaker 1: appreciate at bluntness. That is so interesting. So that's that's 133 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,720 Speaker 1: more on the approach of people. But you mentioned core values, 134 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,040 Speaker 1: which I read a lot about on your website, love 135 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,640 Speaker 1: successfully dot com. Samantha has a ton of different articles. 136 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: It's there's a lot of like blog type things that 137 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 1: you write that can give tips on dating and relationships. 138 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 1: But one of the main things you talk about is 139 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,680 Speaker 1: finding out if your core values line up. So can 140 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: you give us like some more examples of those things. Absolutely, 141 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 1: so I go really in depth with that in um 142 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,280 Speaker 1: Breaking Up and Bouncing Back. So if you want like 143 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,119 Speaker 1: a whole list of those, definitely check out the book. 144 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 1: But the core values, to me are what members most 145 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: to you. So something that's a core value for one 146 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 1: person might not be a core value for someone else. 147 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: So those could be and I walk you through everything 148 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: from your work life, balance, career aspirations, the environment. Like 149 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,680 Speaker 1: one person might be really jazzed about recycling and minimizing 150 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,800 Speaker 1: their carbon footprint, while someone else might care a ton 151 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 1: about how nice I'm living and active life. Someone might 152 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,200 Speaker 1: you know, go to church every Sunday, or someone, um, 153 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 1: I really want to start a family, So they're they're 154 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,840 Speaker 1: very like goal oriented towards finding someone else who wants 155 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:15,440 Speaker 1: to have kids, someone you know who has family values. 156 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: Well that that can mean so many different things. So 157 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,000 Speaker 1: what does family values mean? Like one person might have 158 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:24,640 Speaker 1: dinner with their family, you know, every single um Friday night, 159 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,080 Speaker 1: or might still live with their family, or just might 160 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,360 Speaker 1: really enjoy talking to them on the phone and they 161 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 1: want to Also, you know, find someone who's just as 162 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:36,280 Speaker 1: enthusiastic about spending quality families time. So it's really about 163 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,440 Speaker 1: kind of figuring out what matters most of you book 164 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:42,080 Speaker 1: governs your life. And then also I kind of grewed 165 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:45,199 Speaker 1: in with core values things like kind of your life 166 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:48,800 Speaker 1: vision or goals. So maybe you really want to make 167 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,080 Speaker 1: all the money and retire early and move out to 168 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:54,680 Speaker 1: the country, or maybe you um want to travel the world, 169 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,360 Speaker 1: or you you know, you really want marriaging kids. So 170 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,520 Speaker 1: whatever kind of your life goals, all you want to 171 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 1: find someone who also share are is a similar life 172 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,960 Speaker 1: path or life goals, so that you're working towards the 173 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:09,920 Speaker 1: same things together. Um. And what I see though, is 174 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: like people aren't necessarily dating with intent, and when dating 175 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,640 Speaker 1: would intent meeds aligning your core value. So they might 176 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,640 Speaker 1: be getting together because they share a friend group and 177 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,719 Speaker 1: so they are friends you know, will having comments and 178 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,680 Speaker 1: keep seeing the same groups of people and maybe you 179 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,720 Speaker 1: start looking up that way or the really hot passionate 180 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:29,599 Speaker 1: sex with someone, so you get kind of addicted to 181 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:35,439 Speaker 1: physical chemistry even though there's no really underlying fundamental um connection. 182 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 1: So I think aligning core values is a very pragmatic 183 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: approach to love um And it's not the sexiest approach 184 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 1: to look, but that's what's going to create a foundation 185 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 1: for you guys to build off of it in the 186 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,839 Speaker 1: long run. Rum And the biggest mistake people make they 187 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,640 Speaker 1: compromise on their core values, and that will always lead 188 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: to resentment in a relationship. So how many core values, 189 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 1: Like do all of your core values have the line 190 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,000 Speaker 1: up or do you think there's a certain number that 191 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 1: it works. I don't think there's like a magic number 192 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,640 Speaker 1: like that. I would say, you know, most people, so 193 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,679 Speaker 1: we all have values, not all of our values like 194 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 1: that important to us. So I would encourage listeners to 195 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,240 Speaker 1: sit down and kind of say what matters most to me. 196 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,880 Speaker 1: You're probably gonna have maybe like three to five that 197 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: are like the most important, and then the other things 198 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 1: were other values. You might care about them, but they 199 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 1: wouldn't be your deal breakers. So I always say, create 200 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: dealbreakers based off of your core values. So like, maybe 201 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:34,200 Speaker 1: you know you would like to find someone who's also 202 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,079 Speaker 1: I don't know, like it's very career driven, but it's 203 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,680 Speaker 1: not the most important thing to you. So you're okay, 204 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,520 Speaker 1: kind of compromising about that. But you know for the 205 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 1: fact that you really do want kids. So if you 206 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 1: know that someone doesn't want kids, you just wouldn't even 207 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,839 Speaker 1: waste your time dating them. So maybe say like three 208 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: to five, um, and then and go from there. But no, 209 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,720 Speaker 1: you don't help to have like everything in common with 210 00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: your partner. And in fact, it's great to have different 211 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 1: this because then you guys kind of like expand each 212 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 1: other as world us and get to introduce each other 213 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 1: two different things that you're into, um, which is great 214 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,560 Speaker 1: because it isn't that the point of a relationship to 215 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,040 Speaker 1: like not only share life with someone that also kind 216 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:16,640 Speaker 1: of expand your own you know, knowledge and interests and 217 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,280 Speaker 1: hobbies and things. So but it's really the things that 218 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,760 Speaker 1: you're just like you care the most about. Okay, So 219 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,000 Speaker 1: that's actually a really good point because I've done a 220 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:28,080 Speaker 1: thing where you, you know, in manifesting, you right out 221 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 1: the person that you dreamed up in your life. But 222 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,560 Speaker 1: this is interesting because it puts it back on you 223 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,000 Speaker 1: and what is actually important to you in your life 224 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: and the life you want to create. You have to start. 225 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 1: You have to start dating, like before you're even online 226 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,280 Speaker 1: and swiping on people's profile, are going on on dates. 227 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,480 Speaker 1: You have to become an expert on yourself. You have 228 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 1: to like know what matters to you and what you're 229 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,320 Speaker 1: really looking for before you're so focused on me as 230 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,960 Speaker 1: a person. I think that's where people go wrong. It's 231 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,040 Speaker 1: like you create this wishless of what their ideal partner 232 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,679 Speaker 1: has before that you can't figure all like who they 233 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: really are and like what models most to them. Um. 234 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,320 Speaker 1: Something else I read about on your website that I 235 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:11,120 Speaker 1: thought was so fascinating was attachment style? Yes? Is that 236 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,559 Speaker 1: a huge thing you see in dating and relationships? Attachment 237 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 1: styles are like, I think the most important thing that 238 00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:22,079 Speaker 1: comes where I think issues those that are struggling in 239 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,719 Speaker 1: their boding life, but I coached them around. So the 240 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,800 Speaker 1: sun of it is, so your attachment styles are basically 241 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:32,040 Speaker 1: your level of comfort with closeness and intimacy. And there's 242 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,920 Speaker 1: three loom types of attachment styles and they stoom from 243 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: early childhood and we don't have to get into the 244 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:41,360 Speaker 1: deeper psychology of it, but basically they impact your adult 245 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:46,559 Speaker 1: romantic relationships. So the three styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. 246 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,079 Speaker 1: So a secure DATA is someone who generally really likes 247 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:55,040 Speaker 1: a lot of closeness and intimacy. They are comfortable talking 248 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 1: about relationship issues, They're very confident, they get along well 249 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: with a lot of people. Um you know, they're pretty 250 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,200 Speaker 1: like vulnerable people. And I mean vulnerable because we're able 251 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,520 Speaker 1: to put themselves out there without knowing whether or not 252 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 1: someone like stems off, but they feel confident enough to 253 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:14,679 Speaker 1: express themselves. Versus an anxious data is someone or an 254 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:17,599 Speaker 1: intious of touchment style is someone who really wants to 255 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:21,440 Speaker 1: love like desperately and but they have this underlying fear 256 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,520 Speaker 1: of rejection and it stems from not feeling good enough, 257 00:13:24,559 --> 00:13:28,839 Speaker 1: not feeling worthy of love, not feeling like they deserve 258 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:34,600 Speaker 1: UM this commitment and exclusive relationship UM. And so so 259 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:37,320 Speaker 1: what happens is they then tend to date avoidant data. 260 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 1: So the third type is the avoidance they avoidant is 261 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 1: someone who also wants love, but they love independence and 262 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,120 Speaker 1: they kind of feel smothered in relationships, so they do 263 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 1: some really bad dating behaviors, like they shut down, they 264 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,200 Speaker 1: don't like to talk about relationship issues where it's going. 265 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,320 Speaker 1: They're the type where you have a great date and 266 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,199 Speaker 1: then you don't hear from them all week and you're 267 00:13:56,200 --> 00:14:00,079 Speaker 1: wondering what happened UM, and they kind of feel like 268 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:04,200 Speaker 1: losing their independence and so what happens So it's it's like, uh, 269 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:06,960 Speaker 1: Callie am Big from Sex in This City is just 270 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,600 Speaker 1: a great example of an anxious and avoidance. They're like 271 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,720 Speaker 1: magnetize to each other UM where they both validate each 272 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:18,520 Speaker 1: other's fears. Like the anxious person is fearful that someone 273 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:23,080 Speaker 1: won't UM, that that that they'll reject them and that 274 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,120 Speaker 1: they'll leave them, and that they'll make them, you know, 275 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 1: feel badly about themselves and they're worth inherently, and the 276 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: avoidant data basically feel like this person's way to me, 277 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,000 Speaker 1: they weren't more than I can give, and they're gonna, 278 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,200 Speaker 1: you know, enclage upon my freedom and I can't mean 279 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: to my independence. On that cycle goes on and on 280 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,280 Speaker 1: until you learn how to break out of it and 281 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:46,440 Speaker 1: become a more secure data. So I have a question, 282 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,480 Speaker 1: can you be more than one attachment style? Like can 283 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 1: I a certain person bring out different styles in you? 284 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 1: So your attachment style can shift depending on the relationship 285 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: that you're in. Typically, if you're dating secure, hopefully you'll 286 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,600 Speaker 1: stay secure because you're also dating secure because you don't 287 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:09,040 Speaker 1: you basically don't have patience for someone avoidant who's playing 288 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,000 Speaker 1: games and the person who's really anxious, it might be 289 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 1: kind of a turn off. Um it can actually cause 290 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,080 Speaker 1: you become more avoidant. Or if you're dating someone really avoidant, 291 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: it can be cause you to become really anxious. So 292 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: the idea goal or what I help my clients figure out, 293 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,920 Speaker 1: is if they're really anxious because a lot of the 294 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,280 Speaker 1: time to avoidant daters don't come in for help because 295 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,720 Speaker 1: they're kind of okay, keeping people at a distance. Um. 296 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 1: I honestly, that might get to the point where they 297 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,200 Speaker 1: really want a relationship. But the ones who are really 298 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,280 Speaker 1: seeking help are the people who fall more on the 299 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 1: anxious self because it's just like they want love that 300 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:45,560 Speaker 1: can't figure this out. They keep dating people who uh, 301 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: you know, pushing them away or who are playing games 302 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,840 Speaker 1: and are getting fed up. And so if they can 303 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 1: start dating secure, it can actually really help heal their 304 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: attachment style and their old wounds and they start becoming, 305 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 1: you know, a secure person instead of like an anxious 306 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 1: person gives you know, comes to them with their concerns. 307 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 1: A secure person will validate them and actually listen to 308 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,520 Speaker 1: them and help them feel more secure and calm them down. UM. 309 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,960 Speaker 1: So that they then begin to trust this person they're 310 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 1: doing and they feel safe and that their partners repliable, 311 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,520 Speaker 1: and that is so healing for someone. So you can 312 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,720 Speaker 1: absolutely shift your attachment style depending on the relationship that 313 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,800 Speaker 1: you're in, um. And it's it's really important for you 314 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,800 Speaker 1: if you know that you tend to foe on one 315 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 1: side of the continuum. Yeah, God, that's so fascinating to me. 316 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:38,520 Speaker 1: I would say that's probably in my younger days was 317 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,960 Speaker 1: part of my story for sure, and through a lot 318 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,480 Speaker 1: of work on myself and therapy and stuff you do, 319 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,240 Speaker 1: you can learn to heal from that. But that brings 320 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:47,800 Speaker 1: me to the next topic I wanted to talk to 321 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,440 Speaker 1: you about. You kind of mentioned the ghosting and dating 322 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,360 Speaker 1: and let's yeah, dating in twenty nineteen, and I find 323 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:58,080 Speaker 1: it really difficult sometimes, um, because a lot of people 324 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,760 Speaker 1: do play games, and like I have real interest in that, 325 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,640 Speaker 1: like I mentioned before, but that seems to be a 326 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:07,080 Speaker 1: very typical way to do dating these days. Do you 327 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:10,720 Speaker 1: see that a lot, um, I I've seen it a lot, 328 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: so much to that you actually had up. I was 329 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,000 Speaker 1: being pitched to do a reality key show a go 330 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: and ghosting and you know me up. But it's like 331 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:23,120 Speaker 1: this epidemic phenomenon that we're seeing all over the place, 332 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 1: and it's a really kind of selfish behavior. And I 333 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,359 Speaker 1: think that you know, people do it because they're not 334 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,240 Speaker 1: courteous and be those while all letting someone down. But 335 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:36,120 Speaker 1: I always say, you be like emotional maturity to be gagging. 336 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,800 Speaker 1: You need to have the emotional maturity to break up 337 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 1: with someone. So my rule, I don't don't have a 338 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 1: lot of rules because, UM, I think rules are inflexible. 339 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,040 Speaker 1: But my rule is that if someone expresses interest in 340 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:49,880 Speaker 1: seeing you again, then you owe them a let down 341 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,320 Speaker 1: response because otherwise they're gonna be sitting there like wasting 342 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:55,879 Speaker 1: their time and energy wondering if I'm here from you 343 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,520 Speaker 1: and being upset that you're kind of fading or ghosting, 344 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: And there's energy that be better invested back into the 345 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:04,240 Speaker 1: dating market. So send a simple text that just says, hey, 346 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,199 Speaker 1: it was great meaning, but I just didn't feel a 347 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:09,960 Speaker 1: connection or our on things. You're the best of luck. 348 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:14,920 Speaker 1: So it's really just about becoming a more courteous, respectful data. 349 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:20,480 Speaker 1: It's really just about being a kind human right rules, 350 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,919 Speaker 1: Yeah you'd like to have done to yourself. Um. We 351 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,399 Speaker 1: also know the research research Um that I forget the 352 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,639 Speaker 1: exact number, it's like eight percent of millennial datas have 353 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,960 Speaker 1: been ghosted. Um, but there's research. There's another research study 354 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,359 Speaker 1: that didn't look at ghosting specifically, but it basically said 355 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,360 Speaker 1: the majority of people are getting broken up with via 356 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:46,199 Speaker 1: text or an email or nowadays social media. Um, not 357 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:52,119 Speaker 1: even recing conversation. They're breaking up on social media. What 358 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,240 Speaker 1: like slide into your d M and break up Yeah, 359 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:59,000 Speaker 1: it's terrible. It's terrible. God, I've got comms to go 360 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:03,000 Speaker 1: morried on. Their marriage ended for ghosting. Like one of 361 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:06,080 Speaker 1: my clients had gone on a workshop, come home literally 362 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:10,000 Speaker 1: her husband and stuff was just gone from the Yeah, 363 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,800 Speaker 1: and then he didn't hear from him for um a 364 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 1: couple of months. Knew that he was hiding out at 365 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: like his parents place basically, but he didn't even you know, 366 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 1: on the marriage um like avoidant attachment style. That crazy, 367 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,040 Speaker 1: That is actually an avoidant attachment style, right though, because 368 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,800 Speaker 1: you know, they struggled to communicate about relationship issues on 369 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,359 Speaker 1: the stone walls, so they would just rather ignore a 370 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:40,160 Speaker 1: problem than hav an emotional intimate maybe difficult conversation. Right. 371 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,080 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, So do you feel like you You 372 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:46,280 Speaker 1: seem like you're a supporter um on your website of 373 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:50,639 Speaker 1: online dating, but do you do you feel like some 374 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: of these issues are coming up because of what you 375 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,520 Speaker 1: mentioned before, like the grass is always greener mentality or 376 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:59,040 Speaker 1: there's just always someone around the corner. I think so, 377 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,679 Speaker 1: And like, are I got dating can actually work? I 378 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,080 Speaker 1: met my husband online, like tons of my clients have 379 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: met people online, so it can work. But I do 380 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:11,360 Speaker 1: think that just this, you know, kind of dehumanizing behavior 381 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,719 Speaker 1: because there's always other options. People are just getting busy 382 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 1: and they're not caring and they're honing their phone. Because 383 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,880 Speaker 1: what happens is, you know, if you wanted to ask 384 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,800 Speaker 1: someone out on a date in the past, it would 385 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,000 Speaker 1: either be in person or pick up a landline and 386 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,440 Speaker 1: actually dial their number on the phone and ask them out. 387 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 1: And now that we can just like text and email 388 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,359 Speaker 1: and sense or somebody messages, you don't really ever like 389 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:38,480 Speaker 1: envisionable what does this persons when their feelings? Can I 390 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,439 Speaker 1: see them cry? Do I hear the crack in their 391 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,640 Speaker 1: voice when they're getting upset? But we don't see any 392 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:47,400 Speaker 1: of that. We just stare at a screen. Which websites 393 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 1: do you see working for people the most? So I 394 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,800 Speaker 1: it kind of depends on your age reams when I 395 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,879 Speaker 1: will say that there's a continuum of datas on every site. 396 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,320 Speaker 1: So it's not just like on all the sites that 397 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,879 Speaker 1: are advertised seeing themselves as a relationship and site like, 398 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 1: they're still going to get people looking for a hook up, 399 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,000 Speaker 1: but you're also going to get people who are looking 400 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,399 Speaker 1: to get like engaged tomorrow. So part of it is 401 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,880 Speaker 1: being still of the in strategic about creating a really 402 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 1: good profile and your online dating behavior. But in general 403 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,920 Speaker 1: we know that UM the average single uses three different apps, 404 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,960 Speaker 1: so it's like just usually like two apps that are 405 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:27,479 Speaker 1: more of the you know, kind of like a bumble hinge, 406 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,800 Speaker 1: a coffee meats bagel, which depending on your city where 407 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,480 Speaker 1: you live, can be more or less popular, and then 408 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,800 Speaker 1: maybe one more certa traditional site, so like on match 409 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,960 Speaker 1: dot com, which actually UM is launching and has launched it, 410 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:44,280 Speaker 1: and they're they're currently just matched. They're no longer matched 411 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:48,200 Speaker 1: dot com because they're switching there and back end. So 412 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:52,320 Speaker 1: so yeah, so I think that UM so those are 413 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:54,840 Speaker 1: some good frons that I like to recommend. And nowadays too, 414 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,880 Speaker 1: there's literally a new app that pops up like every day, 415 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 1: so it justs depoms on the Google base. Even the 416 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 1: founder of the app called the League um which is 417 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:05,840 Speaker 1: one that's kind of more like an elite off and 418 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,879 Speaker 1: it's based on connecting me with other people who uh 419 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,120 Speaker 1: I feel like basically linked in right, so like other 420 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:16,119 Speaker 1: successful UM working singles. But the problem I have found 421 00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:19,040 Speaker 1: with that site is everyone's career focus and no one 422 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:24,680 Speaker 1: prioritizing dating UM so so so you know, it would 423 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:28,240 Speaker 1: like just people who try different um, a couple of 424 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,760 Speaker 1: different ones and see what works best, but don't feel 425 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,959 Speaker 1: they need to download every dating off like there's quality 426 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,720 Speaker 1: people on every site. I've heard it can become a 427 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,080 Speaker 1: full time job. I actually personally have never done a 428 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,880 Speaker 1: dating app, but the friends of mine who do say 429 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,919 Speaker 1: that it can be super time consuming if you have 430 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:47,080 Speaker 1: too many of them. Absolutely it does, and you know, 431 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,240 Speaker 1: sometimes when you're doing didn't right, it does so like 432 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,640 Speaker 1: a full time job, or at least support time job, 433 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,879 Speaker 1: because you're investing, you know, your time and ant be 434 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,560 Speaker 1: into it and making it a priority. And I guess 435 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,879 Speaker 1: my question for you, Kelly is why have you not 436 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:04,479 Speaker 1: done mind dating? Um? I gotta get this question all 437 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:08,639 Speaker 1: the time. I think for me, I have not. I 438 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,760 Speaker 1: always really prefer the real connection. So when I meet 439 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:15,080 Speaker 1: someone and I feel that connection or you know, whether 440 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:18,400 Speaker 1: it be the eye contact, the conversation, anything like that. 441 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,400 Speaker 1: And I'm such an impath that I just feel those 442 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,520 Speaker 1: things when I'm around the person. So I've always felt 443 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:26,399 Speaker 1: like if I do a dating app, they're judging me 444 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:30,800 Speaker 1: based on career or how you look in a picture, 445 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,240 Speaker 1: and I just don't there's something about that that feels 446 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 1: really gross to me. I don't know how to explain 447 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:38,520 Speaker 1: it other than that. So my devil's advocate to that, 448 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,800 Speaker 1: it's just that at the end of the day, if 449 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,040 Speaker 1: you don't mind, you still have to meet them in person. 450 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,959 Speaker 1: So the only way to ever have a real relationship 451 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,160 Speaker 1: is to meet in person. And I actually impersonal clients 452 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,120 Speaker 1: to spend like the like the surest amount of time 453 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 1: composting online and to just go and meet in person, 454 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,720 Speaker 1: because right, you're not going to be able to feel 455 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 1: the I don't, and that can sin and the temestry 456 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,160 Speaker 1: unless you meet in person. So I kind of say, 457 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,640 Speaker 1: like I'm a maximalist, I say, you can meet online, 458 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:09,720 Speaker 1: you can meet in real life, but it doesn't matter 459 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,119 Speaker 1: how you want to meet as long as this person 460 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 1: is in your life. So guess like someone's gonna, you know, 461 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,399 Speaker 1: maybe judge you, but they're gonna judge you in in 462 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,080 Speaker 1: real life too, Like they're gonna think either she's cute 463 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:27,399 Speaker 1: or she's not cute, or like and good teeth, you know, 464 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,280 Speaker 1: all those little things. Right, I think that's like I 465 00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:32,359 Speaker 1: don't want to be judged that way. But if we 466 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:34,920 Speaker 1: just naturally do that anyway, you're either attracted to someone 467 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:39,399 Speaker 1: or you're not. But I don't know. I know, I 468 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: honestly like I've met a couple of people lately, so 469 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,920 Speaker 1: I have been dating. So it's you know, I am 470 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,840 Speaker 1: putting myself out there. But if it does dry up, 471 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,640 Speaker 1: I think I may have to just take the plunge 472 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: because everyone absolutely and when you create dating profile, let's 473 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:59,159 Speaker 1: see a big mistake like people make is they don't 474 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:03,080 Speaker 1: spend time after like a thoughtful, creative, authentic profile. They 475 00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:05,760 Speaker 1: just slop up an emoji or how many people just 476 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:11,520 Speaker 1: list adjectives like foodie, adventurous, you know, traveler, um, hopefully 477 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:15,280 Speaker 1: and if everyone writes those adjectives, they lose their meanings. 478 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,920 Speaker 1: So you have to get really good at what I say, 479 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,960 Speaker 1: convey it, don't say it. So you really want to 480 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:23,240 Speaker 1: bring your profile to life. Um, you know, if you 481 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: love to travel, don't just write traveler right, you know, 482 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:30,639 Speaker 1: just like got back from you know, smoking in the 483 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 1: Great Verery in Australia and I can't wait to tackle 484 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:38,760 Speaker 1: Costa Rica next, or you know, like actually, and then 485 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,000 Speaker 1: of course tie in some of your core values so 486 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,639 Speaker 1: people automatically get a sense of what you stand for, 487 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,840 Speaker 1: what you're into, what models most to you, because if 488 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 1: you're dating with intent to find someone who has those 489 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,479 Speaker 1: same core values, if you see that on those profile, 490 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: you're gonna gravitate for that immediately. That's so true. I 491 00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:57,800 Speaker 1: actually like I don't hear the other There reason I 492 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,000 Speaker 1: don't do it is I hear horror stories all the time. 493 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,040 Speaker 1: I have not really had any friends find success on 494 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,960 Speaker 1: these apps, and I just hear about all the terrible 495 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,240 Speaker 1: days they go on. But maybe that's something to think about, 496 00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:10,480 Speaker 1: is how specific are you being and what maybe you're 497 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,680 Speaker 1: not really putting out there, what you're looking for completely 498 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:18,159 Speaker 1: or what are absolutely And I always encourage clients to 499 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,520 Speaker 1: kind of do like a three part profile where it's 500 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,320 Speaker 1: describe things about yourself, you kind of what you're hoping 501 00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,800 Speaker 1: to me and someone else, and then us like what 502 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,560 Speaker 1: do you guys want to be together? You want to like, 503 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,840 Speaker 1: you know, brunch every Sunday and no cut together? Do 504 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,720 Speaker 1: you want you know, want to get power couple and 505 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,240 Speaker 1: like dominant your careers? Like what is it that you 506 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,840 Speaker 1: stand for? So you can convey a lot in your profile, 507 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,760 Speaker 1: even on some of the folks that only give you 508 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:44,280 Speaker 1: only work from like a hundred and fifty characters to 509 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,840 Speaker 1: five hundred. Um, there is a way to make it meaningful. 510 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:52,439 Speaker 1: The other thing, I well said, yes stories that. The 511 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,960 Speaker 1: other thing too is like I feel like people roll 512 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,720 Speaker 1: out or the kids says they date. But here's the thing, 513 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,679 Speaker 1: what do you think that's for your friends? Probably wouldn't 514 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,679 Speaker 1: be the person you want a date. So I always 515 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:06,080 Speaker 1: they take your friends as like dating experiences or critiques 516 00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 1: with a grain of so. Of course, if there's like 517 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:12,240 Speaker 1: egregious awful behavior, then um, you know that's terrible. But 518 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,280 Speaker 1: one person doesn't like about someone you could really adore 519 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,200 Speaker 1: about that person. So this is your local if not, 520 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 1: you know your friends as love lives, right, that's true 521 00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:23,480 Speaker 1: those stories I've heard, I would not want that person either. 522 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,520 Speaker 1: But you said you met your husband on a dating app. 523 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,000 Speaker 1: I did, Yeah, and lots of my clients have, so 524 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,000 Speaker 1: it is possible. Um, but I think it has to 525 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,639 Speaker 1: move quickly, like I think you want to have. Clearly, 526 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:39,320 Speaker 1: if we're not attracted to their photos, it's probably going 527 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,440 Speaker 1: to be a no go that if you're attracted to 528 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: their photos, and I eight of human so many people 529 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,080 Speaker 1: are like looking for perfection and if they see one 530 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,000 Speaker 1: long thing, like and his wife left, or they don't 531 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,920 Speaker 1: want to meet, And one long thing could be like 532 00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:56,480 Speaker 1: you hate the fact that they're wearing like a Metallica 533 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,879 Speaker 1: T shirt and you love comes of music, right, so 534 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,439 Speaker 1: it's just you know, well, like the angle of their 535 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:08,920 Speaker 1: nose like others is kind of big. Next um versus Right, 536 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,040 Speaker 1: if you're paying attention, if you have a great profile 537 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,040 Speaker 1: or a profile makes someone laugh, then you can actually 538 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,760 Speaker 1: next have a smart exchange and were exchange. It's not 539 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,440 Speaker 1: an interview. It's banter, the same way you might banter 540 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,719 Speaker 1: with someone, um, you know, at a bar, and then 541 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:27,440 Speaker 1: you exchange numbers and you make logistical plans to meet 542 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,399 Speaker 1: up and you see if there's chemistry of it. So 543 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:33,040 Speaker 1: many people talk to people for like two weeks, three weeks, 544 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 1: and then they meet up there's no chemistry, and then 545 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:40,400 Speaker 1: you just invested all of this time for what reason? Right? 546 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,280 Speaker 1: Does there a number? Like as a relationship coach, do 547 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,720 Speaker 1: you recommend how many people do you recommend going on 548 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,280 Speaker 1: days without a time. I've always been a serial monogamous, 549 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,840 Speaker 1: So like I'll meet someone and then we start dating, 550 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 1: like unless I really am interested in them, I just 551 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,360 Speaker 1: don't really go on more than one day, but then 552 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:00,000 Speaker 1: I'll meet someone, we go on a bunch of day 553 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,640 Speaker 1: them before I know we're in a relationship. Yeah, Um, 554 00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:06,720 Speaker 1: I love. I always encourage people to date multiple people 555 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:08,800 Speaker 1: at once because you know, you don't want to put 556 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:11,080 Speaker 1: all your eggs in one basket, impress if you get rejected. 557 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:14,080 Speaker 1: It just it feels better to know there's many other 558 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:17,200 Speaker 1: options out there. Um, and you're kind of distracted with 559 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:20,760 Speaker 1: your other days. So that's kind of one issue that 560 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:24,280 Speaker 1: a lot of people have though, is they either continue 561 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:26,960 Speaker 1: to kind of date around because you never really give 562 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:31,000 Speaker 1: like one personal two chance, and so it takes effort 563 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:33,840 Speaker 1: to like nurture a relationship so that you can really 564 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 1: see if there's potential. So you do hit the point 565 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,400 Speaker 1: where you either have to put both feed in or 566 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:42,520 Speaker 1: I say both fingers and stop swiping online, don't shill 567 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:46,480 Speaker 1: commit to this one person exclusively and and see, uh 568 00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,120 Speaker 1: if it has you know what it takes to to 569 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:52,360 Speaker 1: make it work. Because when we're dating multiple people for 570 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:55,440 Speaker 1: a prolonged amount of town, they're like never really putting 571 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 1: in enough effort to give one relationship a chance, right, Like, 572 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,320 Speaker 1: how do you fully get to know someone if you're 573 00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:05,520 Speaker 1: dating multiple people, Yeah, and so that's whot dating with intent. 574 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: It's like if you're dating on and it's talking about 575 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,800 Speaker 1: core values and getting a sense of what they're passionate about, 576 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:14,440 Speaker 1: and um, if you guys kind of want the same things. 577 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 1: After I would say, without like fault dates, you should 578 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:21,120 Speaker 1: know that does those person have potential? Maybe you're not 579 00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,480 Speaker 1: necessarily ready to be exclusive within five dates, but if 580 00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,920 Speaker 1: you don't know within like five days that this person 581 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,400 Speaker 1: has potential, then you're not digging deep enough and you're 582 00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 1: not like really dating with intent. So you've got to 583 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:36,320 Speaker 1: ask some of the harder hitting questions and you want 584 00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:38,840 Speaker 1: to be more vulnerable and you know, share more and 585 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:42,360 Speaker 1: create more emotional intimacy. But after five dates you should 586 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,400 Speaker 1: have a pretty good sense of who this person is 587 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 1: and like just about yeah, kind of committing and writing 588 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,080 Speaker 1: it out and seeing do we have what it takes 589 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:53,240 Speaker 1: to make it work? Because the worst case is that 590 00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:56,880 Speaker 1: you cut things off too soon with someone because people 591 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,600 Speaker 1: don't really like to give second chances. You know, if 592 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:01,680 Speaker 1: you commit to someone and you know, God forbid that 593 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:04,120 Speaker 1: your boyfriend and girlfriend and it doesn't work, you can 594 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:06,520 Speaker 1: break up. But if you cut it but if you 595 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: cut it off too before really exploring it, then you 596 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:11,840 Speaker 1: just missed out on what could be you know, your 597 00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:17,840 Speaker 1: your keeper, your person. UM, was there one overall blanket 598 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,960 Speaker 1: statement of advice that you would give to everyone who's 599 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 1: out there dating right now? Overall blanket? UM? I guess 600 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,760 Speaker 1: what my work often comes back to his attachment styles, 601 00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:34,760 Speaker 1: So I would just say, like, no one will attach 602 00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:38,480 Speaker 1: them styles. And like, when you're feeling triggered because UM, 603 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:42,360 Speaker 1: and with the idea to date towards a secure behavior. 604 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,800 Speaker 1: So what that actually means is if you're feeling anxious, 605 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,480 Speaker 1: anxious people like love to go with the highs and 606 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,880 Speaker 1: the lows and the dramas. So if you're feeling triggered, 607 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,719 Speaker 1: if you're waiting by the phone for someone to call 608 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:56,160 Speaker 1: or text you back, if you're like stop prior prioritizing 609 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,920 Speaker 1: yourself and like you know, you're cancing your plans with 610 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 1: friends so that you can have your schedule wide open 611 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:04,240 Speaker 1: for this guy to call you. UM, that means the 612 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,760 Speaker 1: personal dating is likely avoidant because they're not making it's 613 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,520 Speaker 1: a little secure and you are kind of tossing it. 614 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:16,120 Speaker 1: You're given them control UM versus a secure data. This 615 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:17,960 Speaker 1: person is gonna let you know that they want to 616 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:20,960 Speaker 1: see you. You're gonna communicate clearly with them that you 617 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,000 Speaker 1: want to see them. We're gonna lay it out on 618 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,200 Speaker 1: the table. They're gonna be confident, they're gonna be secure. 619 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,080 Speaker 1: And that's really the name of the game, right because 620 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:30,320 Speaker 1: we all just want to have like a more enjoyable 621 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:34,040 Speaker 1: dating experience with like less dreaming. So the drama that 622 00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:38,320 Speaker 1: comes with dating is really just your auctivated attachment system 623 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:41,040 Speaker 1: because like real true love, yes there was like excitement 624 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: and passion, but I really love that last is reliable, 625 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:48,720 Speaker 1: it's consistent, it's dependable, it's honest, it's communicative, Like none 626 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:55,920 Speaker 1: of those are su majectives, but that's what it's honestly right, 627 00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,880 Speaker 1: and speak in your language. That's what it takes to be, 628 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:04,280 Speaker 1: you know, like a secure adult, functioning healthy relationship. So 629 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 1: when there's too much less in drama and you know 630 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:09,840 Speaker 1: you're writing that role at coach or like, that's a 631 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:12,480 Speaker 1: really good fine to you that you're in like the 632 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:16,479 Speaker 1: anxious avoiding trap. I think that's so interesting. And you 633 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,080 Speaker 1: did bring up the relationship piece. So once you get 634 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:20,880 Speaker 1: into a relationship, you do a lot of work with 635 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,880 Speaker 1: people already in relationships as well. It's not just about dating, 636 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,200 Speaker 1: right all right? Yeah, I read a post um on 637 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,960 Speaker 1: your website that said the eight mistakes you can make 638 00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:35,040 Speaker 1: in a relationship. Yeah. So once you get in this relationship, 639 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:38,320 Speaker 1: you find your partner. What are you seeing that that 640 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:43,120 Speaker 1: happening in people's relationships these days? Sure, well, there's so much. 641 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,560 Speaker 1: I think one of the big ones is you you 642 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,520 Speaker 1: don't know how to speak your partner's love line with 643 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:52,360 Speaker 1: so if people don't know your love language is a 644 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:56,360 Speaker 1: little way you like to receive love, but sometimes so well, 645 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 1: in a different way than we like to receive. But 646 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:03,959 Speaker 1: so it could be words of affirmations, love plaise and 647 00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:07,440 Speaker 1: you know, like love letters and things that let you 648 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:10,680 Speaker 1: know how wonderful you are. There's quality trying to send 649 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:14,239 Speaker 1: and divided attention with each other. There's physical touch and 650 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:19,160 Speaker 1: not those books, but physical you know, affection, holding hands, kissing, cuddling. 651 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,880 Speaker 1: There is this so not so much the material in itself, 652 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:25,680 Speaker 1: but like the thoughtfulness behind the gifts seems to be 653 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:29,000 Speaker 1: what manys most. And then there's acts of service, so 654 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:33,440 Speaker 1: showing love by cooking dinner and doing the dishes, gassing 655 00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,759 Speaker 1: up your partner's car all these ways to help kind 656 00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:38,239 Speaker 1: of make their life easier and take stress off of 657 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:41,319 Speaker 1: their shoulders. So a big mistake I see is that 658 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,480 Speaker 1: people are just speaking whenever language comes in. It truly 659 00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:46,359 Speaker 1: for them to show up, but it might not be 660 00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,920 Speaker 1: the way their partner wants to receive it. So you're 661 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:52,160 Speaker 1: really kind of missing the boat here because maybe you know, 662 00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:54,920 Speaker 1: you're doing the dishes and cleaning up the house and 663 00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,680 Speaker 1: all your partner wants is like a big hug, or 664 00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:59,640 Speaker 1: they just want you to text them during the day 665 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:01,680 Speaker 1: to a lot them know how, like wonderful they are 666 00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:04,840 Speaker 1: and beautiful and I miss them. So that's for sure 667 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,640 Speaker 1: one mistake that people are making is not speaking the 668 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:12,560 Speaker 1: love languages. And then maybe just another one because there's 669 00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:16,360 Speaker 1: so many um part of the communication pattern right is 670 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:21,440 Speaker 1: when someone uh stone walls or shuts down or on 671 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:25,239 Speaker 1: the other end, like is an explosive arguer. So you know, 672 00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,840 Speaker 1: there's clear ways that we can become more effective commune 673 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,920 Speaker 1: CEOs in our relationship. And it keeps my clients what 674 00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:35,319 Speaker 1: I call my love keechnique all u v E, which 675 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:39,799 Speaker 1: is stones for listen, understand, validate, and empathize when we 676 00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:43,759 Speaker 1: can't listen, understand, validate, and empathize our partner. Um, you're 677 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:45,879 Speaker 1: never gonna have You're never gonna be able to work 678 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,120 Speaker 1: through conflict because so many people dig their heals in 679 00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:51,160 Speaker 1: and they're pinding it at their point and they just 680 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:53,880 Speaker 1: want to feel hurt and they the more their partner 681 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:57,880 Speaker 1: defends their side, the more you just kind of um again, 682 00:35:57,920 --> 00:35:59,759 Speaker 1: like kind of dig your heels in and nothing ever, 683 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:04,000 Speaker 1: it's resolved. So it's really about validating your partner's emotional experience. 684 00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:06,560 Speaker 1: It's something about whether you think they're right or wrong, 685 00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:09,960 Speaker 1: or that they're like rational or irrational. It's just a 686 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,960 Speaker 1: fact that your partner is a certain way. So it's 687 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:16,800 Speaker 1: your job their shoes and where they're feeling there glowing, 688 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:20,080 Speaker 1: being able to empathize with them. Until you said you're 689 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:22,040 Speaker 1: on own pat So I would imagine that's gonna be 690 00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:24,520 Speaker 1: really important to you. It's like someone can feel with 691 00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:29,040 Speaker 1: you right it is you're right, and that's I think 692 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:30,440 Speaker 1: you can go to. I can go to extremes at 693 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:32,560 Speaker 1: least like I being an impact, I have to put 694 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,360 Speaker 1: up super strong boundaries and relationships because I can go 695 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:37,880 Speaker 1: to extreme with it where I feel everything they're feeling 696 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:39,640 Speaker 1: and like you said, you can kind of revolve around 697 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:45,160 Speaker 1: that person, but it is all about learning about yourself. 698 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:48,080 Speaker 1: And I think you're right about how your partner wants 699 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,840 Speaker 1: to aus you love. So it's once you get in 700 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:53,400 Speaker 1: the relationship the work still continues of vulnerability and all 701 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:56,560 Speaker 1: of that stuff. Absolutely, And I think it's funny because 702 00:36:56,560 --> 00:37:00,399 Speaker 1: like when you're single and dating, it feels like that, yes, art, 703 00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:03,480 Speaker 1: but the truth is once you from your one partner 704 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:06,320 Speaker 1: that you're gonna be with it to it's just the 705 00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,760 Speaker 1: two of you for the rest of a just all 706 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,360 Speaker 1: logically like, but it's happily ever after that's when like 707 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,680 Speaker 1: the real effort begins because when you're dating, you know, 708 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:18,400 Speaker 1: once you find someone really well, I was all exciting 709 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:20,319 Speaker 1: and the hown't even stage and all these you know, 710 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:23,480 Speaker 1: chemicals that make you feel so like something I'm passionate, 711 00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:26,399 Speaker 1: but don't look like, well what happens you know, two 712 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:29,360 Speaker 1: kids later, or when we lose our job or we 713 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:31,879 Speaker 1: have to move or you know, like all these life 714 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:34,440 Speaker 1: issues get thrown at you and like you have this 715 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,200 Speaker 1: one person by your side, which leads me to say, 716 00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,719 Speaker 1: another mistake I see couples make is like they don't 717 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:42,960 Speaker 1: have each other's back, they don't have a teammate mentality. 718 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:46,080 Speaker 1: They have like the me tester instead of the sister, 719 00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:50,640 Speaker 1: and they're not really you know, taking into account their 720 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:55,160 Speaker 1: partners wishes or wants or desires. And that's one of 721 00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:58,239 Speaker 1: like the hardest parts about being in a committed relationship 722 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,879 Speaker 1: is is balancing for ortizing yourselves and your own kind 723 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:06,520 Speaker 1: of independence, creating a healthy interdependent and being able to 724 00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:09,839 Speaker 1: put your your partner's needs first. Sometimes, like son, when 725 00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:14,000 Speaker 1: you don't feel like doing something, you know you're constantly questioning, 726 00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:16,080 Speaker 1: like what is it that they want? How can I 727 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:19,000 Speaker 1: make their life? How can I make them happy? And 728 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,800 Speaker 1: when we both hold that spooce for our partners that 729 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:25,440 Speaker 1: we are also can be other than these are getting that. 730 00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:29,400 Speaker 1: But you can't only focus on yourself, right, What do 731 00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,680 Speaker 1: you think the biggest thing people are really looking for 732 00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:37,440 Speaker 1: in relationships is? So I don't think they necessarily know, 733 00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:40,160 Speaker 1: because I think they keep it more you know, superficial 734 00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:42,120 Speaker 1: or like everyone must say, I just want someone who 735 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,719 Speaker 1: makes me off, I just want really hot sex, or 736 00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:46,800 Speaker 1: I just want someone who will go on dates to 737 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:49,600 Speaker 1: be But I think what we really need, which sounds 738 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:51,920 Speaker 1: like you like is like, we need safety, We need 739 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:56,920 Speaker 1: that reliability, dependability, consistency, knowing our partner has our back. 740 00:38:57,280 --> 00:39:00,960 Speaker 1: We need that open communication, someone to speak love language, 741 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:04,680 Speaker 1: basically an emotional home. So I always your partner is 742 00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:09,480 Speaker 1: your emotional home. Who just makes you you heard, understood, 743 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:12,920 Speaker 1: gives you a sense of the longing in most crazy world. 744 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:17,360 Speaker 1: I love this conversation and honestly like hearing you talk. 745 00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:20,080 Speaker 1: You're stating all of the things I've been looking for, 746 00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:22,680 Speaker 1: and it truly is really hard to find out there. 747 00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,239 Speaker 1: I think that it's a great conversation to start, though, 748 00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:29,760 Speaker 1: for people to really put the foundation back in relationships 749 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,880 Speaker 1: and the vulnerability and getting to know yourself just as 750 00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:36,239 Speaker 1: much as you want to get to know your partner absolutely. 751 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:38,719 Speaker 1: And then I guess one question, I tell you, how's 752 00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:49,000 Speaker 1: the manifested going? Has anyone entered into your your life? Yours? Maybe? Um? 753 00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:53,319 Speaker 1: You know? Actually yes? And what's been happening for me 754 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,600 Speaker 1: is the order I've gotten and the more dating experiences 755 00:39:56,640 --> 00:40:00,160 Speaker 1: that I have had, I've been writing down what's not 756 00:40:00,239 --> 00:40:02,759 Speaker 1: working for me and then what's working. And I'm manifested 757 00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:06,120 Speaker 1: years ago, and I do think that it was a 758 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:10,440 Speaker 1: little more surface you know, there wasn't as much true 759 00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:12,799 Speaker 1: depth to the qualities that I was looking for in 760 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:16,640 Speaker 1: a person, and that's really changed for me over the years. 761 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:19,399 Speaker 1: So I haven't specifically set out and said, Okay, I'm 762 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:22,520 Speaker 1: writing down this man that I want to find, but 763 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:27,040 Speaker 1: I've been very intentional about the kind of life that 764 00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:29,560 Speaker 1: I want to live and become a partner that I'm 765 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:35,239 Speaker 1: looking for um And yeah, so I think manifesting, I 766 00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:39,960 Speaker 1: think what people go wrong. Right, Manifesting can seem very passive, 767 00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:42,640 Speaker 1: but it's not because it's not like this, I'm gonna 768 00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:45,799 Speaker 1: make this less and send it out person, keep my 769 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:48,080 Speaker 1: feet up and see what comes my way. It's like 770 00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:52,040 Speaker 1: you're writing it all down, but then you're living your 771 00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:54,120 Speaker 1: life and you're putting those up in situations where you 772 00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:56,759 Speaker 1: can meet people, and you're prioritizing yourself and creating this 773 00:40:56,920 --> 00:41:00,120 Speaker 1: like magnificent, ful feeling life that's going to be. Are 774 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:03,480 Speaker 1: you attractive to other people? And so I think you 775 00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:06,920 Speaker 1: know the w side of things and sometimes get a 776 00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:09,359 Speaker 1: bad rap or like people just think it's like, Okay, 777 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,799 Speaker 1: let me just stay down and not do anything, but 778 00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:14,040 Speaker 1: it's like doing it and then being intentional about with 779 00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:17,080 Speaker 1: courses and living your life in alignment with what you 780 00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:20,640 Speaker 1: want to create. Absolutely, And I think even just saying 781 00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,400 Speaker 1: living your life, because what I've seen a lot, I 782 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,680 Speaker 1: mean within myself and then amongst my friends is you 783 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:28,600 Speaker 1: don't want to put yourself out there. And like you said, 784 00:41:28,640 --> 00:41:30,839 Speaker 1: there's always someone around the other corner. So it's kind 785 00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:33,320 Speaker 1: of easy to do the surface kind of dating these days. 786 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:36,560 Speaker 1: And for me, that is not what I want, and 787 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:40,440 Speaker 1: I know that, but it takes being very vulnerable to 788 00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:43,200 Speaker 1: find what I'm looking for, you know, and keep trying. 789 00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:45,440 Speaker 1: And I think sometimes it can be really scary, but 790 00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:50,759 Speaker 1: it's super important, I know for me. Yeah. And then vulnerability, 791 00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:54,560 Speaker 1: I think it's such a like the perfect word because vulnerability, 792 00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:58,600 Speaker 1: being vulnerable, vulnerable, I mean he's like show and letting 793 00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:01,920 Speaker 1: yourself be seen without knowing how the other person is 794 00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:03,959 Speaker 1: going to respond or that when come up the date, 795 00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,880 Speaker 1: So it means putting yourself out there. Vulnerability is not 796 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:09,719 Speaker 1: like having verbal diarrhea and laying out all of the 797 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,600 Speaker 1: drama and baggage on the table, like vulnerability is saying 798 00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:14,839 Speaker 1: I've been hurt and love in the past, but I'm 799 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:17,920 Speaker 1: willing to put myself back out there. Without knowing if 800 00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:21,319 Speaker 1: it's going to work out again. Yes, I'm that's the 801 00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:25,839 Speaker 1: only way to create connection, and it is. I think 802 00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:28,080 Speaker 1: most people are looking to connect. That's what I was 803 00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:31,480 Speaker 1: thinking whenever I asked you that question, because I feel like, yeah, well, 804 00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:34,120 Speaker 1: I love that you asked that, because there's a really 805 00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:37,120 Speaker 1: great match always put out in the annual Singles in 806 00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:41,239 Speaker 1: Amical survey, and basically what they found was that despite 807 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:44,359 Speaker 1: all of these apps and ways to connect that like 808 00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:49,560 Speaker 1: over the like, the majority of people over fifty feel lonely. Yeah, 809 00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:52,600 Speaker 1: and they feel technology has maybe made it harder to connop. 810 00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:57,680 Speaker 1: So I think that connection and not this just false 811 00:42:57,719 --> 00:43:00,319 Speaker 1: sense of like online world that we want of like 812 00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:06,800 Speaker 1: deeply know someone and to also be seen exactly. Wow, Samantha, 813 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,480 Speaker 1: thank you so much. I can talk about this with 814 00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:12,160 Speaker 1: you for days. This is great. Thank you. Where do 815 00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:17,000 Speaker 1: people find you? So? I'm mostly living on Instagram I 816 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:20,920 Speaker 1: love successfully um also on Facebook as well, I've love 817 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:24,719 Speaker 1: successfully and if people are going through specifically like a 818 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,520 Speaker 1: breakup and getting ready to date again. I also have 819 00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:30,239 Speaker 1: another account clip Breakup bounce Back, where I post some 820 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:33,600 Speaker 1: really funny just breakup means. But in my comments I 821 00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:36,560 Speaker 1: always give you some good advice and quality information, so 822 00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:39,160 Speaker 1: make sure to read them. Um on the im over 823 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:41,840 Speaker 1: I Love successfully dot com and on your website you 824 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,680 Speaker 1: talk about I mean, I think you have a practice obviously, 825 00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:48,799 Speaker 1: but you also do virtual sessions with people if they're interesting. Absolutely, yes, 826 00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:51,440 Speaker 1: So I do work with clients all across the country 827 00:43:51,480 --> 00:43:56,120 Speaker 1: and even internationally. So I have applications for breakup coaching, 828 00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,680 Speaker 1: dating coaching, and relationship coaching if you're currently seeing someone 829 00:43:59,719 --> 00:44:02,839 Speaker 1: in need more like a couple's therapy approach. So um 830 00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:04,839 Speaker 1: I work. Yeah, So I would love you know if 831 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,440 Speaker 1: anyone listening really feels like they need some hand holding 832 00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:11,200 Speaker 1: and support, some tough love. I am your girl, So 833 00:44:11,239 --> 00:44:14,800 Speaker 1: you guys text Samantha out online and also her book 834 00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:17,840 Speaker 1: is breaking Up and Bouncing Back, moving on to create 835 00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:20,880 Speaker 1: the love life you deserve. Samantha, thank you so much. 836 00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:25,600 Speaker 1: Thanks Kelly. Bye. This is Kelly Henderson and you've been 837 00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:29,239 Speaker 1: listening to the Velvet Edge podcast. I truly believe that 838 00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:31,440 Speaker 1: every one of us has a little velvet and a 839 00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:34,279 Speaker 1: little edge, so it's so important to remember that to 840 00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:37,600 Speaker 1: be strong, you must be soft too. Thank you so 841 00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:40,239 Speaker 1: much for sharing in those stories with me. You can 842 00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:43,600 Speaker 1: Follow velvet's Edge on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, as well 843 00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:46,440 Speaker 1: as velvet's Edge dot com. If you haven't yet, go 844 00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:50,279 Speaker 1: to Apple Podcasts and subscribe, rate and review this podcast. 845 00:44:50,719 --> 00:44:54,840 Speaker 1: Join me every Wednesday for more conversations on lifestyle, beauty, 846 00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:57,040 Speaker 1: and relationships. Thanks for listening.