1 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,920 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You 2 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I am 3 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: the host. Quick reminder up top that although I'm a 4 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:23,480 Speaker 1: licensed therapist and this podcast is called You Need Therapy, 5 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,279 Speaker 1: that this podcast does not actually serve as a replacement 6 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:30,200 Speaker 1: or substitute for actual therapy. Although we like to remind 7 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,680 Speaker 1: everybody it's allowed to be helpful. It's allowed to help 8 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:36,159 Speaker 1: along the journey. So you don't know what couch Shocks is. 9 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:38,840 Speaker 1: It is a special bonus episode of You Need Therapy 10 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 1: that comes out every Wednesday where I answer questions that 11 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,800 Speaker 1: you guys, the listeners, send to Catherine at you Need 12 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:48,840 Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com. I answer one question each week 13 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,440 Speaker 1: most of the time, and we always keep them anonymous 14 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 1: so you don't have to worry about any of your 15 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 1: info getting out there. We like to keep it safe here. 16 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 1: I want to let everybody know that next week I 17 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 1: am doing another one of the episodes where I answer 18 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 1: some of the questions that you sent me about family 19 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 1: and the holidays and how to cope and just some 20 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,480 Speaker 1: questions that come up with all things that come with 21 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,880 Speaker 1: the holiday season, that being Thanksgiving and Christmas and whatever 22 00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 1: other holidays who celebrate around this time, and maybe even 23 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:21,199 Speaker 1: just like the winter time in general. If you have 24 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,840 Speaker 1: any that you did not submit when I did the 25 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,679 Speaker 1: question box on Instagram, you can email me Catherine at 26 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,400 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast dot com. Again. I'm going to 27 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,199 Speaker 1: be doing that next week for the Couch Talks episode. Now, 28 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,399 Speaker 1: this week, we have a question that I love and 29 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 1: might be one of my favorite questions, So let's get 30 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,520 Speaker 1: into it here it is, Hi, Cat. I've been listening 31 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 1: to the podcast for a couple of months now, and 32 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 1: I never actually thought I would be emailing you with 33 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,520 Speaker 1: a question, but I'm interested in how you might handle 34 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 1: the situation. I'm in my late twenties and I have 35 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 1: a pretty good job that allows me to live a 36 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:58,480 Speaker 1: stress free life. I mean that I don't really have 37 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 1: to worry about paying my bills, and if there is 38 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: something that I want or need, generally I can buy 39 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 1: it without having to think too much. And then she 40 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: says this in parentheses, Honestly, maybe I should think more 41 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 1: because Amazon makes so much money off of me. Anyway, 42 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: my financial situation is somewhat different than a lot of 43 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,280 Speaker 1: my close friends, which really isn't a big deal. In 44 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 1: itself and doesn't really bother me at all. However, sometimes 45 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: I feel like people around me expect me to pay 46 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 1: for things or do things because I can. Recently, I 47 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: declined a bachelorette trip because it was going to cost 48 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:36,080 Speaker 1: around dollars for a weekend trip that I really wouldn't 49 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,080 Speaker 1: have chosen to go on if it wasn't for one 50 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,840 Speaker 1: of my friends. My reason for not going isn't that 51 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,360 Speaker 1: I couldn't afford it, but it's I didn't want to 52 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 1: spend that way. I got some feedback from friends that 53 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,120 Speaker 1: made me feel a little guilty for not going because, 54 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:53,320 Speaker 1: in quotes, it was financially tight for everyone, but we 55 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,640 Speaker 1: care about our friend and it's what she wanted. I 56 00:02:56,639 --> 00:02:58,560 Speaker 1: don't know. I felt like that was kind of crazy 57 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 1: to say. Am I wrong for thinking this? How do 58 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,640 Speaker 1: I express to the people around me that just because 59 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,280 Speaker 1: I can pay for something, it doesn't mean that I 60 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: should or maybe if I'm out of line? Can you 61 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,359 Speaker 1: tell me why I might be wrong? I'm open to feedback. 62 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Okay, Like I said, this is 63 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: one of my favorite questions. Ever, it kind of sounds 64 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:21,560 Speaker 1: one like you're looking for some validation first, to which 65 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,880 Speaker 1: I would say, just because you have money available, it 66 00:03:24,919 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you need to spend it how others want 67 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 1: you to. And this is similar with how I talk 68 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,960 Speaker 1: about free time. Just because I have free time, it 69 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that I have availability. Finances are so personal, 70 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 1: like so personal. I actually listened to a podcast this 71 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 1: morning from the Man Enough podcast which I talked about 72 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: a lot about finances and if you guys are interested 73 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 1: in anything that has to do with that and just 74 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:56,200 Speaker 1: the culture around gender and finances, go look that podcast up. 75 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 1: But that's what I was saying. Finances are so personal. 76 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,960 Speaker 1: Some people like to say. Some people like to spend. 77 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: Some people believe that they should be spending in the 78 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,320 Speaker 1: here and now. Some people believe that they should be 79 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: spending in the future. Some people like to plan for 80 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,400 Speaker 1: the future. Some people don't like to do that. None 81 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: of those are wrong, right. There's not one right way 82 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,320 Speaker 1: to live or one right way to make financial choices. 83 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,359 Speaker 1: This can be hard when our way of doing things 84 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: ends up bumping up against people close to us, like 85 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: holding that true, it is not one way to do things. 86 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 1: If I believe something is right and then somebody really 87 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 1: close to me believe something completely different, is right. That 88 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,120 Speaker 1: can be really hard to sit with. It's just kind 89 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,560 Speaker 1: of a weird situation to be in, Like how can 90 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,680 Speaker 1: we both be right? And this is where I want 91 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,039 Speaker 1: to bring back this video that I think I shared recently. 92 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: I actually don't remember, but it's a video where Ja Shetty, 93 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,800 Speaker 1: who is a podcast host of Zone, where he's asked, like, 94 00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: what's one thing that you don't value that other people 95 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 1: value a lot? And he said being understood And then 96 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: he goes on to say, like, it's just part of 97 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,760 Speaker 1: reality that we're going to be misunderstood by people. It 98 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,800 Speaker 1: used to be something I really valued, but then I 99 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,600 Speaker 1: learned that I can't make everybody understand me, and so 100 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: I learned how to let that go. And this is true, 101 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,680 Speaker 1: Like the reality is, no matter how we cut it, 102 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,840 Speaker 1: slice at dice it, we will be misunderstood by someone 103 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:21,359 Speaker 1: at some point. The only way, the only way to 104 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,520 Speaker 1: make sure everybody likes all of our choices all the 105 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,640 Speaker 1: time is to be inauthentic to ourselves. That's the only 106 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,480 Speaker 1: way we can chameleon our way to appeasing everybody. And 107 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:33,760 Speaker 1: that is still really really hard to do. To be honest, 108 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 1: I know that this question is not about me. I 109 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 1: personally would not go on that trip either, And I'm 110 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,040 Speaker 1: not even saying that's the right and wrong choice. I'm 111 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 1: just saying I agree, I probably wouldn't have done that either. 112 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 1: I also would never shame somebody for not choosing to go, 113 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,400 Speaker 1: and I don't know if that was the intention of 114 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: your friend. And that goes into just because I don't 115 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,599 Speaker 1: understand someone's choice, It does not mean that that choice 116 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,920 Speaker 1: is wrong. It just means that, like I don't understand it, 117 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,080 Speaker 1: maybe I need more clarity, or actually, maybe I just 118 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,479 Speaker 1: need to sit with the fact that I don't understand that, 119 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,200 Speaker 1: and that's kind of uncomfortable and weird. You can care 120 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 1: for your friend, by the way, in other ways, going 121 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,159 Speaker 1: on that trip is not the only way to care 122 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,920 Speaker 1: and celebrate her. Maybe you send her a gift while 123 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 1: she's on the trip, or maybe just even a card, 124 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 1: or you can do something special with her one on 125 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 1: one in town if you live in the same city. 126 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 1: There's so many other things that you can do to 127 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: celebrate her and support her and spending You probably would 128 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: go if it was free, or maybe it puts less money, 129 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:30,719 Speaker 1: but you don't really want to go and spend that 130 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 1: much money. That's a totally normal thing to do. So 131 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,839 Speaker 1: just because you weren't choosing to spend all that money 132 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: on her bachelrette trip, I want you to hear that 133 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,279 Speaker 1: you can still be a supportive, loving, caring friend, and 134 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 1: I want everybody to hear that because I think this 135 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,200 Speaker 1: kind of the reason I like this question so much. 136 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: I think this comes up a lot, and maybe even 137 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:54,479 Speaker 1: not this grand of circumstances. Maybe it's just a birthday dinner, 138 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,960 Speaker 1: or maybe it's a party, or maybe there maybe you 139 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,760 Speaker 1: and your friends are going in on a gift for 140 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 1: a friend and it's more money than you really budgeted 141 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,600 Speaker 1: to spend on gifts for that month or that week 142 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,960 Speaker 1: or whatever. Just because you're doing something different, it doesn't 143 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: mean that you're doing something wrong. Now, I don't know, 144 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,360 Speaker 1: there's a part of me that wonders if the friend 145 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,560 Speaker 1: that said this to you, and I don't know if 146 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,480 Speaker 1: it was more than one friend. But and even if 147 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 1: you guys out there listening, this isn't your scenario, but 148 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,840 Speaker 1: you've had something similar. If when you hear something like that, 149 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 1: well it's tight for all of us, but we care 150 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 1: about that person. It sounds like it might be rationalization 151 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,960 Speaker 1: or her justifying that she also is having a hard 152 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 1: time spending that money and wishes that she could have 153 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,840 Speaker 1: the courage to do what you did and say I'm 154 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: not going to do this. So that's helping her feel 155 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:44,520 Speaker 1: better about her choices. And that's one way, one toxic 156 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,400 Speaker 1: and unhealthy way that we feel bad about ourselves is 157 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: by picking apart and demonizing the choices and the behaviors, 158 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:56,080 Speaker 1: the feelings, the looks of other people. So I just 159 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: want to encourage you and whoever might relate to this 160 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,680 Speaker 1: sentiment that it is okay to make a choice for 161 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 1: yourself that others may be disappointed in or again, others 162 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: may not may not understand because someone is disappointed or upset, angry, 163 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 1: whatever the feeling is, it does not mean that you 164 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 1: did something wrong. Sometimes it does. Sometimes people feel that 165 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,040 Speaker 1: after we do something that's unkind or hateful or or 166 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 1: hurtful and in a way like that, And sometimes we 167 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 1: do things and people are hurt by those things, and 168 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that we did something wrong. And it 169 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,160 Speaker 1: has a lot more to do with that person feelings 170 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:36,200 Speaker 1: like sadness and anger and hurt all of that. Those 171 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,559 Speaker 1: feelings are a part of life, and it's not always 172 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:44,360 Speaker 1: our job to help other people avoid those things, especially 173 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 1: if it costs us some of our peace, some of 174 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:51,439 Speaker 1: our integrity, or some of our authenticity. So I really 175 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,199 Speaker 1: like that you sent this question, and I'm glad we 176 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,040 Speaker 1: got to talk about it, and maybe this will create 177 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:01,080 Speaker 1: further conversations on the podcast and may be within people 178 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 1: listening and their friends and partners, because this, again is 179 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 1: something that I think comes up more often than not, 180 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,200 Speaker 1: and I think a lot of times we take the 181 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:12,120 Speaker 1: pressure versus standing up for ourselves and actually doing what 182 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,800 Speaker 1: fuels right to us. It's like a group think kind 183 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 1: of thing. I know, I've I've been in that space before. 184 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:19,560 Speaker 1: So thank you again for this question. Thank you guys 185 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 1: for listening. If you have any questions that you want 186 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,720 Speaker 1: to send in, whether it's about this, whether it's about 187 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:29,320 Speaker 1: something totally different, whether it's about the holidays, the winter, 188 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 1: or all of that, again, you can send them to 189 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can 190 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: follow me on Instagram at Cat dot de fata. You 191 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 1: can follow the podcast at You Need Therapy Podcast, and 192 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 1: if you haven't yet, you can write the podcast Girl 193 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: to the Bottom just on Spotify. You can right now, 194 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,000 Speaker 1: so I'd love you to do that, and then Apple 195 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 1: Podcasts you can rate, leave a comment, whatever you need 196 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 1: to do. I would greatly appreciate that, and I will 197 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,440 Speaker 1: be back on Monday for another new episode of You Therapy. 198 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 1: Until then, keep heaven the days you need to have. 199 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 1: Bye guys, mhm