1 00:00:10,119 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch 2 00:00:13,119 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. 3 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:19,079 Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are new and 4 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,520 Speaker 1: don't know what couch Talks is, it is the special 5 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:25,480 Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer questions 6 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:28,680 Speaker 1: that listeners send into me and they send those to 7 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 1: Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. They are 8 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:36,199 Speaker 1: always anonymous, so you don't have to worry about anybody 9 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:40,479 Speaker 1: finding out who is that wrote in the email unless 10 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 1: you give information that might throw that out there in 11 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 1: the email. But I don't read your name, I don't 12 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,520 Speaker 1: read where you're from or any of that. Also, before 13 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:53,680 Speaker 1: we get started today, my quick reminder that this podcast 14 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:57,080 Speaker 1: does not serve as a replacement or a substitute for 15 00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 1: any mental health services. However, it's always allowed to help 16 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 1: in whatever way it can and will on whatever journey 17 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:09,520 Speaker 1: you're on at the moment. So each week on catch Talks, 18 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,479 Speaker 1: we do one question unless I just like to throw 19 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: a curveball, but today we're not going to do that, 20 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 1: and we're just going to do one question. And the 21 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:21,040 Speaker 1: person who wrote in even said this is a doozy 22 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: and I'm going to just let you guys know that 23 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,840 Speaker 1: before we even get into it. So I'm going to 24 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,479 Speaker 1: go ahead and read it and then we will talk 25 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: about it together. Hi, Catherine, I'm a huge fan of 26 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,120 Speaker 1: your podcast and I wanted to ask your advice. It's 27 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,400 Speaker 1: a doozy. I have been seeing someone for almost two years. 28 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:41,200 Speaker 1: He has had a colorful past and was married for 29 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:45,560 Speaker 1: over twenty years and had multiple affairs. However, he has 30 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 1: really worked on himself in the past few years to change. 31 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,400 Speaker 1: I am a firm believer that people can change with 32 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: the right help and determination. Anyway, as mentioned, we have 33 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: been together for almost two years. We have had a 34 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,680 Speaker 1: great connection community Kate well and have check ins to 35 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 1: make sure we are on the same page and spend 36 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:07,160 Speaker 1: a decent amount of time together. My issue is he 37 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 1: is terrified to truly commit, and he uses his adult 38 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,800 Speaker 1: son not wanting to be around me as a crutch. 39 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 1: I think it's more him than his son. He thinks 40 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:18,359 Speaker 1: that when you're in a relationship, you can lose your 41 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 1: freedom and independence. I have tried to talk about it, 42 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,920 Speaker 1: saying loving someone doesn't mean being a dictator or controller. 43 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,920 Speaker 1: He fears that if he has committed end quotes, he 44 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,880 Speaker 1: will cheat, and I think it triggers something deep down 45 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 1: within him. We don't date other people, but we don't 46 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,680 Speaker 1: have a label, which I have said, creating something that 47 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,079 Speaker 1: works for us is the most important thing rather than 48 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: a label. I totally see a lot of traits for 49 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:46,359 Speaker 1: fearful avoidant attachment. He had an interesting childhood. His dad 50 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 1: left him and he was raised by a single mom. 51 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,960 Speaker 1: He struggles with seasonal depression. I try to keep things 52 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,320 Speaker 1: positive without pressure, but I am kind of at a 53 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 1: loss as to get us moving forward in a healthy way. 54 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,680 Speaker 1: I try to model a healthy attachment style. I am 55 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,239 Speaker 1: very supportive. I don't communicate with him in a way 56 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,400 Speaker 1: that makes him feel as if he did anything wrong. 57 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,959 Speaker 1: I try to word things differently. At times it does 58 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 1: help him open up. I want to start slowly talking 59 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 1: about a future, but I don't want to put him 60 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:18,239 Speaker 1: on the spot any suggestions. First things First, of course, 61 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 1: I am not going to tell anybody what to do, 62 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 1: and I can't tell you what the one right correct 63 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,520 Speaker 1: answer is here. However, I'm going to still give you feedback, 64 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 1: and I want you to take this feedback however you please. 65 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 1: If you don't like it, you can throw it out 66 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,280 Speaker 1: but these are my honest thoughts that came to me 67 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: as I read this email multiple times. There are a 68 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,760 Speaker 1: couple key things that I'm going to touch on that 69 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: you might want to look at, and I want you 70 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 1: to know that this is coming from a place where 71 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: I too believe that people can change as long as 72 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,960 Speaker 1: they want to make those changes. So I actually had 73 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: a double take when I was reading this because I 74 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: had assumed when you said you'd been seeing someone for 75 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:03,120 Speaker 1: almost two years that this man was actually your partner. 76 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 1: So the whole rest of the email didn't make sense 77 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: at first because I was like, wait, I thought this 78 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,800 Speaker 1: was her boyfriend. So I had to go back and 79 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 1: read that again. That very much took me by surprise 80 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: that you've been with this man for two years, yet 81 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 1: he will not I don't know if it's that he 82 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,040 Speaker 1: won't call you his girlfriend or he won't the commitment 83 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,479 Speaker 1: what that really means, but that's what I took that as. 84 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,080 Speaker 1: And you mentioned that he has really worked on himself, 85 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,960 Speaker 1: and I believe he probably has worked on himself, and 86 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,159 Speaker 1: I think that is amazing and I hope that he 87 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: continues to do that for his own sake. It also 88 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: sounds like this man does not have the capacity at 89 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: the moment to give you what you want and what 90 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 1: you deserve. And I think that is a huge takeaway 91 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 1: from this. It sounds like he either doesn't have the 92 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 1: capacity or he's not willing to and I think that's 93 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 1: a really big deal. So if he won't commit to you, 94 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 1: and that's what you want, you've been dating him for 95 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:03,280 Speaker 1: two years, I would just wonder. I wish I could 96 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,000 Speaker 1: ask you this, but I would just wonder, what do 97 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,360 Speaker 1: you think is going on? What do you think is happening? 98 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 1: What do you think that you guys are doing the whole? 99 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 1: If he commits, he will feel suffocated and then cheat 100 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 1: on you. Means either, in my opinion, he has a 101 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 1: lot more work to do that he has to choose 102 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 1: to do because he wants something different, work that you 103 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,240 Speaker 1: can't make him do, and you actually can't do for him, 104 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 1: no matter how kind you are to him. Or he 105 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,840 Speaker 1: wants to keep things how they are and he wants 106 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 1: to keep you in his life on his terms because 107 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,839 Speaker 1: those terms work for him where he is now in 108 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: his life. The fear of losing freedom independence sounds like 109 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,880 Speaker 1: residual beliefs from his past that are unresolved that you 110 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,159 Speaker 1: cannot resolve for him. He has to do that work, 111 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,760 Speaker 1: and there is an essence of losing certain freedoms because 112 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,600 Speaker 1: being single is different than being in a relationship. It 113 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: comes with not only doing things for yourself, but for 114 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,760 Speaker 1: the good of another person and so for the good 115 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 1: of the relationship as a whole. But it does not 116 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 1: mean that you lose who you are or don't get 117 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 1: to enjoy life anymore. So if someone is telling you 118 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 1: that they feel that if they commit to you, to 119 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,920 Speaker 1: being your partner, that they are afraid that they won't 120 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,359 Speaker 1: be able to live the life that they want, it 121 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,080 Speaker 1: sounds like the life that they want is one where 122 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 1: they might have the ability to just think about themselves 123 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 1: and not have to feel the pressure of thinking about 124 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: somebody else, which, when you're in a loving, healthy relationship, 125 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:33,159 Speaker 1: that pressure feels good. I'm sure you've been in a 126 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,080 Speaker 1: relationship before where if I'm sure this one for you, 127 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: it feels good to have the pressure to think about 128 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: another person when making plans, when thinking about another person, 129 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,839 Speaker 1: when picking a restaurant to eat, when thinking about that 130 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,719 Speaker 1: pressure feels good because you're in this relationship that is 131 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,880 Speaker 1: also life giving to you. I also think it's very, 132 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,280 Speaker 1: very very important to pay attention to how we are 133 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: showing up in relationships, just as much as we are 134 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 1: assessing how our partners are showing up. And it appears, 135 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,200 Speaker 1: again I have a limited view of this because I 136 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,479 Speaker 1: just have your email, but it seems as though you 137 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,880 Speaker 1: might be trying to make yourself adjust what you want 138 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,560 Speaker 1: to something that you think this man would be okay with, 139 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 1: rather than just owning this is what I want and 140 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,200 Speaker 1: this is what I need and if you can't give 141 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: that to me. I need to know that if you're 142 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 1: suppressing your needs and desires because you're afraid that your 143 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: partner will leave if you confidently state them, that actually 144 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 1: is super anxious behavior and you'll never be satisfied because 145 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: you'll be one suppressing your needs. And if you ever 146 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,240 Speaker 1: feel secure, I'm like, okay, it's my time to shine. 147 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,240 Speaker 1: And you ever truly show your needs and ask for 148 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,400 Speaker 1: them later in the relationship, after there's a commitment, your 149 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,680 Speaker 1: partner very likely might say, this is not what I 150 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,400 Speaker 1: signed up for, So that's a lose lose for you. 151 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,760 Speaker 1: And you're either not asking for what you need or 152 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,600 Speaker 1: you're asking for what you need. Then the person is saying, 153 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: I'm not going to give that to you. You say 154 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,320 Speaker 1: you don't want to pressure him, but you've also been 155 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 1: dating for two years, and again I don't know the 156 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,560 Speaker 1: capacity of what that dating has looked like. But even 157 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:07,200 Speaker 1: with this man for two years, he is refusing to 158 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 1: commit to you, and I'm confused what you are wanting. 159 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,680 Speaker 1: It sounds like you do want the commitment, and like 160 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 1: I said, sometimes pressure is a good thing. You'll either 161 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: get what you need or you'll realize that you're never 162 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: going to receive it. And then you have the ability 163 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: to make a really informed decision about whether I want 164 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: to sit in this and stay in this place, or 165 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,760 Speaker 1: I want to go look for something that's going to 166 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,719 Speaker 1: satisfy me more than this. Now, again, like I said 167 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,720 Speaker 1: in the beginning, when it comes down to it, you 168 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:38,440 Speaker 1: get to make whatever decision you want. A question that 169 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: I would really encourage you to answer before you make 170 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,959 Speaker 1: a decision is do I want a commitment from this 171 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,280 Speaker 1: man or do I just want to be connected in 172 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,680 Speaker 1: some way to him? Does this work for me? Does 173 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 1: what we're doing work for me? You can stay with 174 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,720 Speaker 1: this person forever and never get that commitment from him. 175 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:01,000 Speaker 1: But my biggest question here is what is your endgame here? 176 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: What are you hoping for? And are you holding on 177 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:08,079 Speaker 1: to hope that you're kind of convincing yourself and almost 178 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,680 Speaker 1: like molding your brain into thinking that that's a reality, 179 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,599 Speaker 1: or are you holding on to hope that there is 180 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,439 Speaker 1: a reality there. We need to figure that out. Where 181 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: do you want this relationship to go again? Is that realistic? 182 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,559 Speaker 1: For what this man is saying he is capable of doing, 183 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 1: not just with his words what is he saying, but 184 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:29,160 Speaker 1: with his actions and his behavior. It sounds like he's 185 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:33,360 Speaker 1: pretty clear and you're in that hopeful state that he'll change, 186 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 1: and who knows, I am not a fortune teller. Maybe 187 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,959 Speaker 1: it will change, but it's just as much likely, if 188 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,600 Speaker 1: not more, that he's going to stay the same right now, 189 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: especially if his needs are being satisfied. People don't tend 190 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 1: to change unless they have a reason too. So if 191 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 1: things are working out for someone, why would they do 192 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:54,120 Speaker 1: anything different? And your email makes it sound like you 193 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,400 Speaker 1: kind of almost walk on eggshells around him and you 194 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,800 Speaker 1: don't want to make him feel too committed or some 195 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: or he doesn't want you want to make him feel 196 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: too much pressure. You just want to be the way 197 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,720 Speaker 1: you were saying. You word things differently. Let me see 198 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,319 Speaker 1: exactly what you said. I try to keep things positive 199 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,440 Speaker 1: without pressure. I try to model a healthy attachment. I'm 200 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 1: very supportive. I don't communicate with him in a way 201 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,959 Speaker 1: that makes him feel as if he did anything wrong. 202 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 1: I try to word things different at times. All of that, 203 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: it's again that anxious behavior in it sounds like you 204 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: were kind of walking on eggshells and can't always just 205 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,960 Speaker 1: be yourself and state what actually is on your mind. 206 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,959 Speaker 1: And the part that I try to I don't make 207 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,680 Speaker 1: it sound like he does anything wrong. He might be 208 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,160 Speaker 1: doing something wrong. We all do things that are wrong 209 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:44,040 Speaker 1: in relationships, and we are allowed to be called out 210 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: or called in on those things by our partners. That's 211 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,520 Speaker 1: one of the great things about healthy, committed partners is 212 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 1: they can say, hey, this wasn't cool, I didn't like this, 213 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,439 Speaker 1: this isn't working for me, and it can come from 214 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,240 Speaker 1: a place of love and care, in a place that 215 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,720 Speaker 1: you want to move forward in the relationship, versus this 216 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:08,959 Speaker 1: very critical, blaming type of communication. Now, the last thing 217 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 1: you said you want is that you want to talk 218 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 1: about the future, but you don't want to put him 219 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 1: on the spot. I don't really understand what that means. 220 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 1: My perception here is that you sound very fearful that 221 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,839 Speaker 1: being honest and direct about what you want will push 222 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,400 Speaker 1: him away. And what I want you to hear more 223 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,839 Speaker 1: than anything else in this episode is that if your 224 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 1: needs push him away, then that's okay, and it's okay 225 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 1: to let him go because you're not asking for too 226 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:40,000 Speaker 1: much by any means. I'd argue that you are asking 227 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,240 Speaker 1: for too little. You could be asking for more and 228 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,840 Speaker 1: that would still be reasonable. Now, so many humans are 229 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,840 Speaker 1: going to relate to this experience that you are in 230 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,839 Speaker 1: right now. I relate to it. I know there are 231 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,600 Speaker 1: so many out there that are listening to this being like, oh, 232 00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 1: I've been there, or I'm also there right now. So 233 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 1: I want you to know that you're not alone. This 234 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:03,040 Speaker 1: isn't a you problem. This is a human problem. It 235 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,319 Speaker 1: sounds like this also comes down to a worthiness problem 236 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,080 Speaker 1: of what do I believe I'm worth. A lot of 237 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,960 Speaker 1: us can get in this scarcity dance where we shave 238 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,559 Speaker 1: our desires down to a vision that we think will 239 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,080 Speaker 1: be accepted by the ones we're with or by the 240 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,199 Speaker 1: ones we want to accept us. But What happens when 241 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,199 Speaker 1: we do that is we start to create beliefs in 242 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:27,240 Speaker 1: ourselves or solidify beliefs that are somewhere embedded in us, 243 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,319 Speaker 1: that say we're too much, we are not worth more, 244 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,840 Speaker 1: and we convince ourselves that we are happy when actually 245 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,319 Speaker 1: we aren't. We are just scared of losing something, scared 246 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,760 Speaker 1: of being alone, scared that something better isn't out there. 247 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,720 Speaker 1: I want you to imagine taking on an abundance mindset 248 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:48,720 Speaker 1: that there is an abundance of relationship out there, There 249 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,559 Speaker 1: is abundance of connection out there. There are abundance of 250 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,120 Speaker 1: humans out there that are able to meet your needs. 251 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,320 Speaker 1: It's not going to be every single person because we 252 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,840 Speaker 1: are all so different, but it is out there. So 253 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,920 Speaker 1: if this does not meet or needs, I want you 254 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 1: to know that you don't have to settle for it. 255 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,440 Speaker 1: And if you really think that you do, I would 256 00:13:07,559 --> 00:13:09,840 Speaker 1: encourage you to do some digging around. What is it 257 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,839 Speaker 1: that makes you think that what you actually desire that 258 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 1: many people in the world out there have isn't available 259 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 1: for you, Or what magical qualities have you given to 260 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,839 Speaker 1: this human that he might actually not have, and how 261 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 1: can you bring him back to a humanity level, a 262 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,240 Speaker 1: human level, and see him as a human rather than 263 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,200 Speaker 1: this person that you have to have in your life. Oh, 264 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,640 Speaker 1: you're going to crumble and die. I'm not saying that 265 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:36,440 Speaker 1: you think that. Nowhere in your email did you say that, 266 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,120 Speaker 1: but I just want you to think about that. Thank 267 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,600 Speaker 1: you for sending this email in It was super vulnerable 268 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:44,079 Speaker 1: and like I said, so many people are going to 269 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,200 Speaker 1: be able to relate to this. If you have any 270 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:49,200 Speaker 1: questions or anybody else out there has any questions about 271 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,839 Speaker 1: this or about anything else going on that they want 272 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,320 Speaker 1: to send in, know that you can send that to 273 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:58,240 Speaker 1: Catherine at podcast dot com. You can follow us at 274 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy Podcasts and at Kat dot Defada on Instagram. 275 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:06,120 Speaker 1: You can also follow my therapy practice at three Chords Therapy. 276 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,600 Speaker 1: Until next Monday when I talk to you guys again, 277 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 1: I hope you guys have the day you need to have.