Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to this show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, you know the deal. It
Speaker 1: is so great to have you here. Back for another
Speaker 1: episode as we, of course break down the psychology of
Speaker 1: our twenties. Today, we're going to talk about something that
Speaker 1: I think is on a lot of our radars in
Speaker 1: some capacity. Two of the biggest and I would say
Speaker 1: most noteworthy elements of our twenties are dating, figuring out
Speaker 1: that whole side of things, and also our experiences with
Speaker 1: navigating our mental health. I think that those two things
Speaker 1: really define this period of life more significantly, more profoundly
Speaker 1: than anything else. They are at the center of a
Speaker 1: lot of the most life changing experiences and moments during
Speaker 1: this chapter of our lives. I think a lot of
Speaker 1: the biggest revelations we have about who we are and
Speaker 1: who we want to become come from these two kind
Speaker 1: of facets. They come from who we're dating, how we're dating,
Speaker 1: our experiences with love and heartbreak and so many other facets,
Speaker 1: and then also our experiences with coping and coping with
Speaker 1: how our mind works and the ways that sometimes it
Speaker 1: betrays us. I think whilst a lot of us are
Speaker 1: out there looking for love, looking for connection, for inspiration,
Speaker 1: for long term companionship, whatever it is that you're kind
Speaker 1: of searching for on your dating life, this is also
Speaker 1: the decade of quite a lot of mental struggle. And
Speaker 1: I don't want to say suffering because I don't think
Speaker 1: that's the right word, but healing maybe, and also deep
Speaker 1: emotional work. I think there's no denying the evidence, the
Speaker 1: research that eighteen to nine to twenty nine year olds
Speaker 1: have the largest incidence rate of mental health symptoms, primarily
Speaker 1: anxiety and depression, than any other age group. We see
Speaker 1: it over and over again in studies all around the world,
Speaker 1: young people, twenty something year olds, they're really doing it
Speaker 1: tough when it comes to their mental health. And whilst
Speaker 1: that is going on, we are also expected to make
Speaker 1: that big transition into kind of what an adult should
Speaker 1: look like, and we're meant to show people that we're
Speaker 1: growing up, that we're progressing, that they don't need to
Speaker 1: worry about us. You know, we're hitting the adult milestones.
Speaker 1: Part of that is dating, is having a relationship, is
Speaker 1: meeting people. And what I don't think anybody is talking
Speaker 1: about is how mental health and dating really interact that
Speaker 1: relationship really needs to be explored in both directions, because
Speaker 1: dating is, honestly, it's such a vulnerable experience. It's so intimate.
Speaker 1: You're basically sitting in front of a person and saying,
Speaker 1: please like me for who I am, maybe there's a
Speaker 1: future here, please accept me. But also, you know, it's
Speaker 1: okay if you don't like I don't want to get
Speaker 1: too close to you. It's this whole I think kind
Speaker 1: of mental maze and our mental health is going to
Speaker 1: impact how we date, how we go about meeting you people,
Speaker 1: how those experiences will affect us, and dating will also
Speaker 1: simultaneously impact our mental health. The rejection, the heartbreak, the
Speaker 1: ups and downs. That really does something to our groping skills,
Speaker 1: to our mood, our confidence, our overall sense of emotional stability,
Speaker 1: and I think that's really important to recognize. I also
Speaker 1: think part of the conversation around dating and mental health
Speaker 1: has to do with the partners of people with mental
Speaker 1: health struggles and what is it that they need to
Speaker 1: understand that maybe isn't communicated. You know, the things that
Speaker 1: people need from a relationship is you know, it's going
Speaker 1: to differ. It's going to differ based on things like
Speaker 1: preferences and attachment styles and past relationships, all of those things,
Speaker 1: but also based on where we are at mentally. If
Speaker 1: you are anxious, you might require, you know, more reassurance
Speaker 1: from your partner. If you're prone to depressive episodes, you
Speaker 1: might self isolate, you might push people away. And it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you don't care about them, that you
Speaker 1: don't want connection, that you are not deserving of connection.
Speaker 1: I just think that it is something that is part
Speaker 1: of kind of like not to sound cheesy, but our journey,
Speaker 1: and it's part of how we find people who accept
Speaker 1: us for who we truly are. So I want to
Speaker 1: talk about it today. I want to talk about every
Speaker 1: side of this connection, how everything interacts in this way,
Speaker 1: and I think, more importantly, how we can have both,
Speaker 1: how we can dates successfully without letting it harm our
Speaker 1: most precious resource, which is our mental health. How do
Speaker 1: we put up boundaries, how do we have hard conversations
Speaker 1: with the people we're seeing around what we need. How
Speaker 1: do we approach the things that maybe we want to
Speaker 1: hide from, How do we stop trauma bonding with people,
Speaker 1: letting people take advantage of us. How do we kind
Speaker 1: of cope with dealing with simultaneously the crazy world of
Speaker 1: dating whilst also taking care of ourselves and taking care
Speaker 1: of our mental health. So we're going to talk about
Speaker 1: all of it, all the research, all the psychology, all
Speaker 1: this science, and so much more. So let's get into it.
Speaker 1: I want to start off by talking about how our
Speaker 1: mental health impacts how we date, how it changes the
Speaker 1: way that we date, our behavioral patterns, our attitudes towards dating.
Speaker 1: I think mental health is not a one size fits
Speaker 1: all kind of concept. We can't just slap a label
Speaker 1: on everyone who could possibly have a diagnosis that falls
Speaker 1: into the DSM and call it mental health. I think
Speaker 1: different conditions are going to have a different impact when
Speaker 1: it comes to dating, and the main ones I really
Speaker 1: want to look at are really depression and anxiety. I
Speaker 1: think those have the highest prevalence, but there's also a
Speaker 1: lot to be said about the interactions between like ADHD
Speaker 1: and BPD in dating. One of the biggest things that
Speaker 1: underpins all conditions, all mental health conditions is though, I
Speaker 1: think the experience of stigma that really persists to this day.
Speaker 1: We know that stigma shows up in the world, and
Speaker 1: if it shows up in the world, it's going to
Speaker 1: show up in the people that we will meet, maybe
Speaker 1: the people we will date, it will show up in
Speaker 1: the people we talk to as unfortunate and sad as
Speaker 1: that is, and not everyone has the dialogue that perhaps
Speaker 1: we're having to understand that really it's not a reflection
Speaker 1: of who someone is. It doesn't say anything about their worth.
Speaker 1: So I think that's one of the primary things we
Speaker 1: have to navigate. How do we have those open conversations
Speaker 1: around mental health with people that we're dating. When do
Speaker 1: we tell people, do we tell people, what do we say?
Speaker 1: How do we respond when someone doesn't have a good
Speaker 1: response and they let us down when they kind of
Speaker 1: reveal a part of themselves that isn't willing to accept this,
Speaker 1: especially if it's someone that you're getting serious with. I
Speaker 1: want to touch on that just a little bit later on. Firstly,
Speaker 1: let's kind of break down what it is about conditions
Speaker 1: that may make dating different for different people who have
Speaker 1: some kind of experience with mental health. Depression is what's
Speaker 1: about to say. Depression is a good place to start.
Speaker 1: But I know that sounds so terrible, but let's start there.
Speaker 1: Let's start there. Depression, I think, I know, makes it
Speaker 1: hard to do anything. It is one of the primary
Speaker 1: underlying facts about this condition. It makes it hard for
Speaker 1: you to be excited about anything in life, you know,
Speaker 1: let alone a random stranger you've met on a dating app,
Speaker 1: let alone the possibility of having to meet new people
Speaker 1: and tell them your favorite color and let them get
Speaker 1: to know you. I think depression also causes us to
Speaker 1: self isolate at times. It means that we have less
Speaker 1: energy occasionally to put energy into the early stages of dating,
Speaker 1: into going on dates, into putting ourselves out there. It's
Speaker 1: really hard, I think, and important to acknowledge that it's
Speaker 1: going to be different if you're someone who has these
Speaker 1: episodes of just not feeling like the world is a
Speaker 1: great place, and maybe your response to that is to
Speaker 1: go silent, is to self isolate. During those episodes, I
Speaker 1: do feel like it's like everything stops, and that can
Speaker 1: be hard for the people that we're dating to understand.
Speaker 1: We might end up accidentally ghosting someone. Maybe icing them out,
Speaker 1: and sometimes people don't understand that, and that's not something
Speaker 1: that we can read deem ourselves from, or we like
Speaker 1: go of good connections because we honestly just don't have
Speaker 1: the mental bandwidth to maintain them. I think also depression
Speaker 1: has this awful habit of making us feel like we
Speaker 1: are not good people because we're not showing up in
Speaker 1: the way that people expect us to. Let me talk
Speaker 1: about that a little bit more. I think like when
Speaker 1: we imagine dating, especially in our twenties, it is this
Speaker 1: image of like fun and excitement and like ecstasy and
Speaker 1: like everything is new and amazing, We're having the best
Speaker 1: experiences and we're meeting people. But sometimes you just don't
Speaker 1: feel like a fun person. You just don't feel like
Speaker 1: you have the space to hold those experiences. And that
Speaker 1: can make us feel like because we're not having the
Speaker 1: same experiences that everyone else is, because we are struggling
Speaker 1: with something deeper, that we are the problem. We turn
Speaker 1: to a point of a lot of self shame. And
Speaker 1: one of the real big kind of negative self talk
Speaker 1: points that I see we tell ourselves. One of the
Speaker 1: things we often say is like I'm lucky that this
Speaker 1: person even likes me because of what I'm going through,
Speaker 1: They're going to get bored of me because I'm not
Speaker 1: as fun because I have this part of me that
Speaker 1: maybe is harder to accept. And I think that that
Speaker 1: makes it really hard to be vulnerable and to put
Speaker 1: ourselves out there, because when we are letting someone see
Speaker 1: us for who we truly are, those dark sides included,
Speaker 1: sometimes it's hard to believe that someone will love us
Speaker 1: for that. That's one element of it, I think, one
Speaker 1: of the elements behind why it's hard to put yourself
Speaker 1: out there. But another I think unintended impact or experience
Speaker 1: that I think is something that a lot of people
Speaker 1: who are struggling with mental health have is they need
Speaker 1: to overshare in order to justify our behavior or our experience,
Speaker 1: almost like we need to warn people of what they
Speaker 1: can expect. And I think that that can lead us
Speaker 1: to maybe being too vulnerable too soon. And I want
Speaker 1: to clarify what that means, because I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: if you struggle with depression or anxiety, like that's a
Speaker 1: secret that you need to keep to yourself. No, I
Speaker 1: think that you should be really open about it. But
Speaker 1: I think it's also a natural tendency for us to
Speaker 1: want to create closeness with someone, and that can cause
Speaker 1: us to tell them perhaps elements of our experience, elements
Speaker 1: of our journey that we're revealing too soon, and it's
Speaker 1: causing us to become attached too quickly, almost because like
Speaker 1: I said, we feel like this person needs to be prepared,
Speaker 1: like we are this like this thing that like if
Speaker 1: we don't tell them now, they'll they'll be like surprised,
Speaker 1: they'll think we tricked them into falling in love. Like
Speaker 1: it's just I think a real negative mental spiral. Like
Speaker 1: I said, it's not to say that you shouldn't be vulnerable,
Speaker 1: but I think something that we need to be aware
Speaker 1: of if you are someone who is dating with mental health,
Speaker 1: is perhaps our tendency to fantasy bond with someone or
Speaker 1: to become reliant on them. Once you have overshared or
Speaker 1: shared this big honest thing about yourself, you suddenly feel
Speaker 1: like they could be your savior, that they could make
Speaker 1: your mental health better, they can fix you. And I've
Speaker 1: had that experience and it's not anything to feel any
Speaker 1: shame around, because that's really what we all want, right,
Speaker 1: Like we want someone to sit across from us, for
Speaker 1: us to tell them and show them who we are,
Speaker 1: and for them to say, I'll take all of it,
Speaker 1: I'll love you anyway, And we get to that point
Speaker 1: through sharing and through vulnerability and raw conversation. But I
Speaker 1: also think that we put love on a pedestal, and
Speaker 1: when everything else in your life might not be working out,
Speaker 1: when you're kind of like got this black cloud over
Speaker 1: your head, sometimes we expect more from love and from
Speaker 1: the people who provide it than we should. We think
Speaker 1: that they're going to be the antidote to everything going
Speaker 1: on in our mind, and we create false expectations. The
Speaker 1: biggest reason why I'm kind of raising this yes, and
Speaker 1: why I think it's an important part of the conversation
Speaker 1: around dating and mental health. It's very easy to get
Speaker 1: carried away by the idea of someone fixing you, and
Speaker 1: for that to result in you kind of giving up
Speaker 1: all your other coping skills and giving up the things
Speaker 1: that actually keep you healthy, and then maybe having them leave,
Speaker 1: having them walk away, and watching your mental health plummet
Speaker 1: like it never has before. When we become overreliant on
Speaker 1: someone before they prove to us that they are deserving
Speaker 1: of that trust and of that honesty, and of that vulnerability,
Speaker 1: suddenly we are left without the coping skills that we
Speaker 1: really need. I think what's worse is when people almost
Speaker 1: fetishize your mental health condition or your struggles, like the
Speaker 1: fact that you are quote unquote like tortured. I see
Speaker 1: that word all the time, and like books where a
Speaker 1: character has passed trauma or has a mental health condition,
Speaker 1: like there's suddenly this like poetic, when in fact they're
Speaker 1: not like a piece of art. They're not like your
Speaker 1: manic pixie dream girl. They're just a person. They're just
Speaker 1: a person. This is part of their story. And I
Speaker 1: think when we romanticize or let people romanticize our experiences,
Speaker 1: they begin to see us as that rather than as
Speaker 1: someone who is so much more than perhaps a label
Speaker 1: that has been put on us. One example of this
Speaker 1: that I'm really specifically thinking about is attracting people who
Speaker 1: have a savior complex. So in psychology, the savior complex
Speaker 1: refers to a person an individual that has a strong
Speaker 1: tendency to seek out others who need help and who
Speaker 1: are looking for a savior. They're looking for someone to
Speaker 1: assist them, maybe because they are in a bad place.
Speaker 1: It doesn't make that person a bad person. It's not
Speaker 1: always malicious, but sometimes people date other people for self
Speaker 1: serving reasons because it makes them feel good to be
Speaker 1: the helper, to be this great person. And when we
Speaker 1: examine that deeper, these people really benefit from you needing them.
Speaker 1: They have an ulterior motive to keep you stuck in
Speaker 1: a dark place. And it's not always conscious. But if
Speaker 1: your relationship has been founded on firstly that like intense
Speaker 1: bonding over experiences, but then also you're you know that
Speaker 1: you needing this person, it's very hard to learn other
Speaker 1: ways to cope and to manage because it means that
Speaker 1: you might need them less and they might therefore need
Speaker 1: you less as well, because you no longer fit this
Speaker 1: like image of this like interesting, tortured individual. It's why
Speaker 1: I think sometimes we see a lot of codependency in
Speaker 1: relationships between people who are struggling and people who are not.
Speaker 1: It's important to remember that, although it's a hard truth,
Speaker 1: no one else is responsible for your mental health. That
Speaker 1: is all up to you, sadly, and it's very hard.
Speaker 1: But also you are not your mental health condition. You're
Speaker 1: more than that. You deserve someone who loves you mental
Speaker 1: health and or not in spite of it, definitely not,
Speaker 1: but also it doesn't need to be glamorized. There is
Speaker 1: a lot that we can romanticize in our lives, but
Speaker 1: I don't think that poor mental health is one of them,
Speaker 1: and we certainly don't want someone else to be doing
Speaker 1: it for us. So I think that is something to
Speaker 1: be aware of, not just for people with depression, but
Speaker 1: all conditions. How mental health can cause us to attach
Speaker 1: very quickly to people, to become reliant on them, to
Speaker 1: see them as a savior, to see love is something
Speaker 1: that will fix our problems. That also applies to conditions
Speaker 1: like anxiety as well, which is probably a great segue
Speaker 1: into talking about it. Anxiety, I think is more than
Speaker 1: just being stressed or worried from time to time. It
Speaker 1: can bring a constant sense of doom, of irritability, of restlessness,
Speaker 1: and so many are hypervigilance, the whole the whole list,
Speaker 1: and I think the most common types of anxiety that
Speaker 1: we really see a generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder.
Speaker 1: Let's focus on social anxiety just for a second here.
Speaker 1: I think the relationship and why social anxiety might make
Speaker 1: it harder to date is maybe obvious, but still worth examining. Obviously,
Speaker 1: it brings a certain shyness and introversion because what you're
Speaker 1: anxious about is not general things, is not the future,
Speaker 1: although that might still be something you think about. It's
Speaker 1: how other people perceive you. It's how other people. The
Speaker 1: acknowledgment that other people have an opinion of you that
Speaker 1: you might not be able to control, and that their
Speaker 1: opinion matters, and that kind of acknowledgement that experience can
Speaker 1: cause us to be quite closed off to the possibility
Speaker 1: of dating and meeting new people. And it might feel like,
Speaker 1: whilst everyone else is having these experiences, you're kind of
Speaker 1: held back because it's not that you can't do it,
Speaker 1: but it's just harder for you to put yourself in
Speaker 1: those novel situations with people that you don't know. I
Speaker 1: hear a lot of people be like, oh, just go
Speaker 1: on dates, you know, just put yourself out there, not
Speaker 1: realizing how much more complicated and difficult that is. When
Speaker 1: your brain is going a million miles an hour every
Speaker 1: waking moment and you have this like intense perception of
Speaker 1: everything that could go wrong, you feel a people's opinions
Speaker 1: more deeply. You're more hyper vigilant to perceive social threats.
Speaker 1: And I think one of the foundational parts of dating
Speaker 1: that that doesn't quite mesh well with is that part
Speaker 1: of dating is you want people to like you. But
Speaker 1: often we become too focused on that such that we
Speaker 1: can't enjoy the moment, We can't enjoy the process. We
Speaker 1: think that we should be more like this person, or
Speaker 1: make ourselves more like this version of us in order
Speaker 1: to get this person's approval and to avoid the social
Speaker 1: rejection that we fear. How this shows up as something
Speaker 1: that I like to call an anxiety spiral, particularly before
Speaker 1: things like first dates or even like second third dates.
Speaker 1: You know, should I wear this? What will they think
Speaker 1: if I wear that? What will they think about if
Speaker 1: I answer this question this way? What will they think
Speaker 1: if I double text them? Like so many different fears
Speaker 1: that we have around what this person is thinking. It
Speaker 1: can cause us to feel really overwhelmed to say things
Speaker 1: we don't mean, to cancel dates last minute, to leave early,
Speaker 1: especially like for those of us with a panic disorder,
Speaker 1: it's a fear around what will happen if I have
Speaker 1: a panic attack during the date? How embarrassing like? And
Speaker 1: it's that fear spiral, It's that catastrophizing, that future telling,
Speaker 1: that predicting that can lead to avoidance. The easiest way
Speaker 1: to not feel fear is to not put yourself in
Speaker 1: those situations. Right, So, whilst one person might not think
Speaker 1: twice about walking into a blind date with someone they
Speaker 1: don't know, for someone else, it takes a lot more
Speaker 1: mental preparation, and sometimes it's easier to just not have
Speaker 1: those experiences because they are so stressful and so overwhelming.
Speaker 1: And it's not that you don't want love. It's not
Speaker 1: that you are like not putting yourself out there. It's
Speaker 1: not that you don't want to put yourself out there.
Speaker 1: It's so much more complicated, and I think sometimes that's
Speaker 1: something that people just can't say. I also want to
Speaker 1: talk about the impact of swipe based dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble,
Speaker 1: and how they've been shown to impact our mental health
Speaker 1: in this century, not even in this century, in the
Speaker 1: last like five to ten years. So there is one
Speaker 1: pretty amazing paper on this. It's actually one of the
Speaker 1: only pieces of research actually on this topic, and it
Speaker 1: was published in twenty twenty, and it really takes a
Speaker 1: deep dive into how dating apps have changed, not just
Speaker 1: how we date but the subsequent mental health impacts that
Speaker 1: come with constantly being able to scroll thousands of profiles
Speaker 1: and have your attractiveness and perceive desirability validated or dismissedes
Speaker 1: at all hours of the day. Yes, I think dating
Speaker 1: apps have expanded our options. If we're talking about anxiety,
Speaker 1: you know, it's really great for people with social anxiety.
Speaker 1: At times. It means that they have more time to
Speaker 1: talk to someone online. You know, it's more accessible, but
Speaker 1: it's also a lot more stress inducing. This study, the
Speaker 1: one I was just speaking about, it showed that people
Speaker 1: who are using dating apps do report higher levels of depression,
Speaker 1: higher levels of anxiety, higher levels of comparison of distress
Speaker 1: compared to those who don't use these applications. And that's
Speaker 1: probably for a few reasons. Firstly, if you're not having
Speaker 1: the success that you want, that can be incredibly demoralizing,
Speaker 1: incredibly painful. But additionally, when your emotional resources and ability
Speaker 1: to cope as already being taxed by mental health concerns,
Speaker 1: it means that you're a lot more sensitive to these
Speaker 1: perceived rejects. And that is the second component of why
Speaker 1: I think dating apps in particular are hard for people
Speaker 1: who have anxiety or any type of mental health condition.
Speaker 1: Because of what we call rejection sensitivity, dating involves a
Speaker 1: lot more nose than it does. Yes's, some people, especially
Speaker 1: those with anxiety or ADHD or BPD, experience a more
Speaker 1: severe reaction and emotional pain to being rejected than others.
Speaker 1: So they looked into this back in twenty twenty one
Speaker 1: and they confirmed that link, and what they coined was
Speaker 1: this term called dating anxiety. And what that really comes
Speaker 1: to tell us is that there are certain people who
Speaker 1: their anxiety is so specific that it it comes to
Speaker 1: revolve around this very experience of dating, of having to
Speaker 1: meet people new people who could potentially, you know, be
Speaker 1: the love of your life, but also is more likely
Speaker 1: than not going to not be a great experience. Is
Speaker 1: you know, as hard as that is, like I said,
Speaker 1: like dating is basically like a constant rejection exercise for
Speaker 1: a lot of people. And if your rejection sensitivity is heightened,
Speaker 1: it's going to mean that every time these these things happen,
Speaker 1: every time you're ghosted, every time someone doesn't match with you,
Speaker 1: every time someone doesn't reply to you, it's going to
Speaker 1: mean that those things you feel them a lot more deeply.
Speaker 1: It makes it harder to bounce back, and it makes
Speaker 1: you look for other conclusions to that person's perceived rejection.
Speaker 1: It makes you look into what is wrong with you.
Speaker 1: Anxious people are not only I think, the biggest overthinkers
Speaker 1: out there, but also some of the most intelligent people
Speaker 1: in the world, because their brains are constantly looking for
Speaker 1: answers to every problem, even problems that haven't happened yet,
Speaker 1: even problems that have nothing to do with them that
Speaker 1: they will never find an answer for. Someone hasn't messaged
Speaker 1: you back on dating app There are a million different
Speaker 1: conclusions someone hasn't asked you on a second date. There
Speaker 1: are also a million different answers as to why, but
Speaker 1: we cannot move forward without finding out why. And normally,
Speaker 1: when we don't have the answers from the other person,
Speaker 1: we look internally. We become very creative about our responses
Speaker 1: and we internalize that there must be something wrong with
Speaker 1: us if this person didn't like us enough to take
Speaker 1: it to the next level, to keep seeing us, to
Speaker 1: message us back, and that reduces our self confidence, reduces
Speaker 1: our self esteem. It can really lead to an anxiety spiral,
Speaker 1: but also exacerbate things like our abandonment issues or an
Speaker 1: anxious or avoidant attachment style. Your threshold for what might
Speaker 1: be triggering you is, naturally, if you're someone with anxiety,
Speaker 1: a lot lower, meaning that it's more sensitive, meaning that
Speaker 1: things that other people might ignore, things other people might dismiss,
Speaker 1: might see is just kind of like part of the game,
Speaker 1: impact you a lot more and also cause us to
Speaker 1: question our value, our value, our judgment, and kind of
Speaker 1: what we have to offer. That is why if you
Speaker 1: are someone who struggles with their mental health and is
Speaker 1: also dating, you are going to have to set stronger
Speaker 1: boundaries than people who don't have those experiences. And there's
Speaker 1: a few reasons why bad dating experiences. Overlooking potential red flags,
Speaker 1: bad people, they can worsen our mental health in very,
Speaker 1: very severe and serious ways. There is medical evidence to
Speaker 1: support that bad dates, bad relationships, bad situationships, They can
Speaker 1: cause stress. They can damage your immune system, mainly because
Speaker 1: those situations increase our cortisol. They put us in a
Speaker 1: stress state that if it isn't resolved, puts so much
Speaker 1: additional pressure on our body that it takes up all
Speaker 1: of our resources, all of the resources that we need
Speaker 1: to cope in other areas of our life. Our mental
Speaker 1: energy is a finite resource. So when one experience when
Speaker 1: one aspect of our life is requiring a lot from us,
Speaker 1: like a string of bad dates or a bunch of
Speaker 1: messages left on red, or a person who doesn't reply,
Speaker 1: or who treats you badly, or who just like keeps
Speaker 1: you know, she keeps dragging you along, leading you on.
Speaker 1: Those are so mentally taxing that they take resources that
Speaker 1: we need to devote to other things. They can also
Speaker 1: present as a trigger. Even healthy love can be a
Speaker 1: trigger because, as I said before, love leaves us incredibly vulnerable.
Speaker 1: It just demands that you be more open, more open
Speaker 1: to connection, yes, but also more open to pain, to heartbreak,
Speaker 1: to being hurt. It is mentally demanding, it's emotionally quite perilous,
Speaker 1: and when things go wrong, your mental health will be
Speaker 1: in And that's not to scare you. It's just to
Speaker 1: make sure that you're aware that you need to be
Speaker 1: more conscious of what you should be demanding for yourself,
Speaker 1: who you are letting in. You know. I have a
Speaker 1: story about this about someone I dated, are going It
Speaker 1: was like my first boyfriend, and I did everything that
Speaker 1: you weren't meant to do. I I'm going to take
Speaker 1: accountability here, Like I trauma bonded with this person. I
Speaker 1: became reliant on him whilst also ignoring all the signs
Speaker 1: that he had a savior complex. I abandoned my tried
Speaker 1: and tested self care habits and the important parts of
Speaker 1: my routine that were keeping me happy and stable and
Speaker 1: in a good place. And then he broke up with me,
Speaker 1: and that pushed me to such a low point. It
Speaker 1: completely disrupted what I felt was normal. It created emotional
Speaker 1: and balance, and it resulted in like a pretty massive
Speaker 1: depressive episode that was like three months long. And I think,
Speaker 1: obviously that's a very serious case, but it happens a
Speaker 1: lot with things that are less serious. Like you just
Speaker 1: have to realize that your sensitivity and your threshold might
Speaker 1: be lower than other people because you are you do
Speaker 1: have such a big cart, because you do have so
Speaker 1: many other things going on that small things that other
Speaker 1: people can dismiss might hurt you and injure your sense
Speaker 1: of worth your self esteem more than others. And I
Speaker 1: want you to ask yourself, you know, is a short
Speaker 1: attachment or a fling or a burst of romance with
Speaker 1: someone who might not be treating you well, who might
Speaker 1: not want what you want? Is it worth jeopardizing your
Speaker 1: mental health? That is one of the most important resources
Speaker 1: that you have. You cannot, I guess I get it
Speaker 1: back like it's so hard to rebuild. It is precious
Speaker 1: and it is delicate. So when you are dating people,
Speaker 1: really ask yourself, is this person proving to me that
Speaker 1: they are safe? Is it going to cost me my
Speaker 1: mental health to be with them? I think the answer
Speaker 1: to that question isn't always clear, But I want to
Speaker 1: provide some tips on how to I don't want to
Speaker 1: say keep yourself safe because that is slightly dramatic, but
Speaker 1: more so how to date with your mental health and
Speaker 1: emotional well being as a priority, and also some advice
Speaker 1: for people who dating partners who struggle with their mental health.
Speaker 1: How can you show up as a really good person
Speaker 1: in this person's life. How can you help them without
Speaker 1: being overbearing, without becoming that kind of savior character that
Speaker 1: we were speaking about. So all of that are more
Speaker 1: after this short break. We face a lot of misconceptions
Speaker 1: when we date, as people myself included, who have had
Speaker 1: ups and dams with our mental health. And one of
Speaker 1: the biggest misconceptions I hear is that because you are
Speaker 1: depressed because you are anxious, because you need more reassurance,
Speaker 1: because you could tastrophize, because you need more rest. Whatever
Speaker 1: it is that you are somehow less deserving of love,
Speaker 1: that it is harder in some way for people to
Speaker 1: love you. There is not a tiny, tiny part of
Speaker 1: that that is true, not at all. And I think
Speaker 1: when we I don't want to say, let ourselves believe it,
Speaker 1: but when we take that as a truth, when we
Speaker 1: hear that, too often we settle for lefs yes, because
Speaker 1: we begin to think, well, if I'm hard to love,
Speaker 1: I should take what I am given and I should
Speaker 1: be happy with it because it's better than nothing. And
Speaker 1: that is the absolute worst mindset that we can have
Speaker 1: when it comes to like looking for love. You are
Speaker 1: deserving of just so much, so much, if not more.
Speaker 1: You're so incredibly open hearted and sensitive and empathetic. You
Speaker 1: see the world differently like that is amazing, and I
Speaker 1: think we need to ensure that we are open to
Speaker 1: the love that we deserve whilst also really taking care
Speaker 1: of ourselves. So here are some of my tips. Number one,
Speaker 1: don't feel like you need to give people a reason
Speaker 1: if you're a little off, especially in the early stages
Speaker 1: of dating, you don't need to be explicit or over
Speaker 1: explain yourself. If you need to cancel a date because
Speaker 1: you're having an episode or because you're just really anxious,
Speaker 1: just say, you know, you don't have to give them
Speaker 1: the exact reason. Sometimes I think honesty is not the
Speaker 1: best policy, And we're not doing this from a place
Speaker 1: of like what if I scare them off? Like absolutely not.
Speaker 1: It's more that we want to protect ourselves from feeling
Speaker 1: closer to this person than we need to before they've
Speaker 1: proved to us that they deserve to feel close to us.
Speaker 1: Hopefully that makes sense. But I think if we like
Speaker 1: immediately are like, sorry, I need to cancel the date,
Speaker 1: like I'm super depressed because you know, my pet just died,
Speaker 1: and oh I've had you know, ongoing depression for three
Speaker 1: years and blah blah. Like obviously, like eventually, if this
Speaker 1: person like works out, you can tell them all those things.
Speaker 1: You should tell them all those things. But in the
Speaker 1: early stages, I do think, as we spoke about in
Speaker 1: the first half of this episode, you don't want to
Speaker 1: become like, feel like you're relying on this person, or
Speaker 1: feel like because you've shared something with them that suddenly
Speaker 1: the relationship is more important than it actually is. So
Speaker 1: don't feel like you need that they need to know
Speaker 1: everything about you up front. I think that prevents trauma bonding,
Speaker 1: and it allows you to kind of create some some distance,
Speaker 1: some healthy disc so that you continue to ensure that
Speaker 1: you are coping without looking to them to be your savior,
Speaker 1: looking to them to be your distraction. Some ways that
Speaker 1: we can do that obviously, like you don't need to
Speaker 1: be explicit if things are happening, especially not if it's
Speaker 1: like before a first date or like even I would say,
Speaker 1: in the first three dates. And also create space between
Speaker 1: your dates as well, so that you don't feel like
Speaker 1: I think this doesn't even just relate to people with
Speaker 1: mental health concerns, but everyone. Like sometimes when you spend
Speaker 1: like three days in a row with someone, like you're
Speaker 1: automatically going to see them as like a more important
Speaker 1: part of your life than someone that you went on
Speaker 1: three dates with, like over the span of three weeks.
Speaker 1: So try and like give yourself time, give yourself space
Speaker 1: to actually get to know someone. Try not to date
Speaker 1: as a distraction from your mental health, from taking care
Speaker 1: of yourself or at the expense of your mental health.
Speaker 1: If you know that you are going through a really
Speaker 1: hard time and that maybe one of your tendencies is
Speaker 1: to self sabotage, is to self destruct, and the way
Speaker 1: you do that is through dating. You know that about yourself.
Speaker 1: You know that, So try not to use other people,
Speaker 1: to use the allure of love as a solution, as
Speaker 1: a distraction, as kind of like a tool that isn't dependable,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like mental health is
Speaker 1: so delicate, but also I think after a period of time,
Speaker 1: you kind of understand what works for you. Is that
Speaker 1: taking your medication on time, Is that making sure that
Speaker 1: you have a loone time and time to reset. Is
Speaker 1: it making sure that you're doing enough exercise, that you're
Speaker 1: going to therapy. And if there is a relationship that
Speaker 1: is getting in the way of you doing those things,
Speaker 1: those things that you know are independently really good for you.
Speaker 1: Because you are using this person as a distraction because
Speaker 1: they seem to be offering you this like huge, big,
Speaker 1: glowing life change antidote that is love. Take a step back. Also,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to say that doesn't work for me.
Speaker 1: Like if you have things that you need to do
Speaker 1: to protect your mental health. You don't owe this person anything, right, Like,
Speaker 1: the most important person in your life is you, and
Speaker 1: taking care of you should always be priority. Don't worry
Speaker 1: about upsetting them, don't worry about letting them down. That
Speaker 1: is a people pleasing habit that is obviously more common
Speaker 1: amongst people who are anxious or amongst people who have
Speaker 1: some kind of trauma to do with dating. You're allowed
Speaker 1: to say, no, that doesn't work for me. You're allowed
Speaker 1: to say you're allowed to put up boundaries, and you're
Speaker 1: allowed to like continue to prioritize yourself even if this
Speaker 1: other person might be bothered by it, even if they
Speaker 1: might be upset, even if it doesn't work for them.
Speaker 1: If you are also an anxious person when dating, get
Speaker 1: off the apps or limit your notifications. I did this
Speaker 1: a lot because I would get like these phantom buzzers.
Speaker 1: I'm such an anxious data right, because I am an
Speaker 1: anxious person that immediately after I'd match with something, everything
Speaker 1: match with someone, like, everything would just feel more heightened.
Speaker 1: There was so much expectation because I was always overthinking everything,
Speaker 1: and I was always like looking to predict the future,
Speaker 1: and so I found that like I would always be
Speaker 1: checking my phone. I was always like overly worried about
Speaker 1: when this person was going to get back to me,
Speaker 1: like what they'd said if they'd match with me. Turn
Speaker 1: off your notifications and only check them twice a day,
Speaker 1: once a day. I don't know whether set like a
Speaker 1: time period that feels reasonable for you and stick to
Speaker 1: it so that you don't feel like this thing, this
Speaker 1: app this like weird holy grail of like potential dates
Speaker 1: has control over your emotional reactions and has control over
Speaker 1: your mood. If whether or not someone matched with you
Speaker 1: that day, or whether or not this man replied to
Speaker 1: you or this woman or this person replied to you
Speaker 1: is impacting your mood, that is a really good point
Speaker 1: time to be like, I'm going to set a boundary here.
Speaker 1: This is not healthy, This is not serving me, This
Speaker 1: is not good for my health, and my health is
Speaker 1: I'm about to be like health as wealth, very cheesy,
Speaker 1: very doctor Seuss vibes. But it really is, It really is,
Speaker 1: And I think it's worth it to take a step back,
Speaker 1: even if you get less of the validation, even if
Speaker 1: you feel like you're actively dating and pursuing love, in
Speaker 1: order to really like rest and sit in what you
Speaker 1: need if you are dating after trauma or a hard experience.
Speaker 1: I also say, like go on dates at a low pressure,
Speaker 1: go on dates at are low efforts, so you don't
Speaker 1: get too invested at the start. Ask more questions of
Speaker 1: them than them of you, to really test their emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1: I like, have a few questions here that I ask
Speaker 1: that I did ask that really like allowed me to
Speaker 1: see whether this person is going to be accepting of
Speaker 1: me and everything that that brought. One of the best
Speaker 1: ones is to ask them the last time they cried.
Speaker 1: I know it sounds like so silly, but how someone
Speaker 1: responds to that question honestly actually tells you a lot
Speaker 1: about how they'll be, not just in a relationship, but
Speaker 1: kind of how they see emotional reactions in general, how
Speaker 1: they treat their own emotions. And maybe I should have
Speaker 1: said this tip earlier, but I think it kind of
Speaker 1: was obvious, Like sometimes you just need to stop dating,
Speaker 1: like if sometimes it's just not worth it. It's just
Speaker 1: there are a lot of reasons why it's harder sometimes
Speaker 1: obviously the rejection sensitivity, the self worth, that need to
Speaker 1: self isolate, the depressive episodes, Like sometimes it's just it's
Speaker 1: too hard and it's okay to just be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not dating at the moment, it might seem like
Speaker 1: everyone else is doing it. You don't need to be everyone,
Speaker 1: you know need to be like putting yourself through an
Speaker 1: emotional rollercoaster with the promise that maybe you'll meet someone,
Speaker 1: because maybe you will meet someone, but maybe they will
Speaker 1: hurt you more than you're prepared to be hurt at
Speaker 1: the moment, more than you like are able to be
Speaker 1: heard at the moment, you know, more than you can take.
Speaker 1: I think that's an important thing to think about. All right,
Speaker 1: So those are some of my tips. Take them or
Speaker 1: leave them. Please. If you have others, tell me I'll
Speaker 1: share them. I'll share them over on my Instagram. But
Speaker 1: I want to also just quickly talk about a quick
Speaker 1: like rapid fire list for people who might be listening
Speaker 1: to this episode seeking information about someone they're dating who
Speaker 1: is struggling with depression, who is struggling with anxiety, who
Speaker 1: is struggling with a mental health condition, coming from someone
Speaker 1: who I'm dating, someone who is amazing at this, who
Speaker 1: is just like, I don't know where he got this
Speaker 1: unique ability, this unique ability for just like empathy and
Speaker 1: just to know what to do. And I think I've
Speaker 1: learned a lot from him in terms of like what
Speaker 1: it means to show up for someone in a relationship
Speaker 1: when they're struggling through what he's done and through how
Speaker 1: he's shown up for me. So firstly, let them talk
Speaker 1: or let them be silent. Don't be too pushy for
Speaker 1: answers because you think that them talking about something is
Speaker 1: going to make it better for them. I think sometimes
Speaker 1: we think that if we vocalize, like someone just needs
Speaker 1: to vocalize how they're feeling and they'll feel better. Like that,
Speaker 1: internalizing any problem means that we're suppressing it, we're not
Speaker 1: dealing with it. That is not how everyone's minds work.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we do need to be silent in order to process.
Speaker 1: Sometimes that is the best way for us to work
Speaker 1: through heavy emotions. So honestly, you see yourself as like
Speaker 1: almost like a priest, almost like someone who's willing to
Speaker 1: listen to, someone who's willing to give advice based on
Speaker 1: what that person needs. Secondly, don't make them feel guilty
Speaker 1: for things not in their control. They cannot Like if
Speaker 1: you've had any experience with mental health, you will know
Speaker 1: that you can try so hard to be something for
Speaker 1: someone else. Can try so hard to show up for
Speaker 1: plans that you just mentally cannot cannot do. You can
Speaker 1: try so hard to get out of you can try
Speaker 1: so hard to suppress that need for reassurance, and it's
Speaker 1: not going to work. So as their partner, don't make
Speaker 1: them feel bad when they're probably already feeling bad enough
Speaker 1: for the ways that maybe their mental health is showing
Speaker 1: up in your relationship in less than great ways. Thirdly,
Speaker 1: this probably should have been number one. Educate yourself, and
Speaker 1: you can educate yourself through speaking to them as well,
Speaker 1: because you can educate yourself on their exact symptoms, on
Speaker 1: their exact patterns of thinking, on how it shows up
Speaker 1: for them. But it's very easy to use Google. You
Speaker 1: can just have a little browse on like what it
Speaker 1: is that this condition really means for someone, how it
Speaker 1: shows up in their life, what someone might need, so
Speaker 1: that you can also be able to have open conversations
Speaker 1: with this person, with this person you love. Be patient.
Speaker 1: Be patient. They're trying really hard, and I know you're
Speaker 1: probably trying really hard too. Both of you are trying
Speaker 1: really hard. Like that's a winning factor in a relationship.
Speaker 1: But be patient. With them if they don't have all
Speaker 1: the answers for why they're feeling a certain way right now,
Speaker 1: they might not have the answers. Mental health is a
Speaker 1: bit of a black box sometimes. Just let them take
Speaker 1: some time to process things themselves, to talk to you
Speaker 1: when they need to talk to you, and offer small
Speaker 1: creature comforts, offer like a home cooked meal, offer for
Speaker 1: you to offer to go out and get them the
Speaker 1: groceries that they need to just quickly vacuum their room,
Speaker 1: things that like might be really mentally draining for them
Speaker 1: that you have the capacity to do. Speaking of capacity, though,
Speaker 1: take care of yourself and know that it is okay
Speaker 1: to walk away. You are not their care. But also
Speaker 1: don't blindside them, and definitely don't give them ultimatums like
Speaker 1: you need to get better or or like I'll start
Speaker 1: coming over more once you start going to therapy every
Speaker 1: day or once you start taking a medication like that
Speaker 1: is not It might feel like you're loving someone through
Speaker 1: tough love, but I think it just causes a relationship
Speaker 1: to rip. It causes them to feel like they can't
Speaker 1: be honest with you. When you love someone, it's very
Speaker 1: easy to really want to show up for them and
Speaker 1: almost like it's like that saying, like you can take
Speaker 1: a horse to water, but you can't always make them drink.
Speaker 1: You might feel like you're helping by because you know
Speaker 1: what's best for them, because you're this outside person, and
Speaker 1: sometimes you don't. You can gently encourage, but I think
Speaker 1: they know themselves quite well at this point and they
Speaker 1: know what they need and you don't need to be
Speaker 1: their care I think when a relationship takes on that
Speaker 1: kind of role, takes on that dynamic, that's when things
Speaker 1: begin to fall apart. That's when we see codependency, that's
Speaker 1: when we see a heavy emotional reliance. That's a we
Speaker 1: see trauma bonding, and that's not really I think the
Speaker 1: marker of a good long term relationship. You need to
Speaker 1: be your own people together. So I hope that this
Speaker 1: episode has been helpful. I understand that it might be rambling.
Speaker 1: Even as I was recording, I was like, there was
Speaker 1: so much to be said here, so much to pack
Speaker 1: into like just this one episode. Honestly, there's there's so
Speaker 1: much more research that needs to be done on this,
Speaker 1: and there's so many more conversations that need to be
Speaker 1: done on this as well. Like we always think of
Speaker 1: mental health as like just deriving entirely from our choices
Speaker 1: in a way, or it's biological, but there is so
Speaker 1: much about our environment, including like the people were dating,
Speaker 1: that people were romantically involved with, that whole social process
Speaker 1: that holds everything to do with it, that does like
Speaker 1: have a very deep emotional and psychological impact. So I
Speaker 1: hope that you have learned something. I hope that this
Speaker 1: is helpful. I hope that you can apply it to
Speaker 1: your own life. And if there is someone who needs
Speaker 1: to hear this episode, please feel free to share it
Speaker 1: with them. As always, please feel free as well to
Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever
Speaker 1: you are listening, if you feel cool to do so.
Speaker 1: It helps us show grow. Big shout out to Charlotte,
Speaker 1: who left me the nicest review on Apple Podcasts. Charlotte,
Speaker 1: thank you. If you're listening to this, it made me
Speaker 1: super emotional. I read every single one of them. If
Speaker 1: you have an episode suggestion, if you have a comment,
Speaker 1: if you have a query, if you have thoughts, please
Speaker 1: feel free to follow me at that Psychology podcast reach
Speaker 1: out to me over there, and as always, we will
Speaker 1: be back next week with another episode