1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to this show. 5 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:30,800 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: you are in the world, you know the deal. It 7 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,600 Speaker 1: is so great to have you here. Back for another 8 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,120 Speaker 1: episode as we, of course break down the psychology of 9 00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:42,199 Speaker 1: our twenties. Today, we're going to talk about something that 10 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,879 Speaker 1: I think is on a lot of our radars in 11 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,159 Speaker 1: some capacity. Two of the biggest and I would say 12 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 1: most noteworthy elements of our twenties are dating, figuring out 13 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 1: that whole side of things, and also our experiences with 14 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 1: navigating our mental health. I think that those two things 15 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:08,120 Speaker 1: really define this period of life more significantly, more profoundly 16 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 1: than anything else. They are at the center of a 17 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:15,440 Speaker 1: lot of the most life changing experiences and moments during 18 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,640 Speaker 1: this chapter of our lives. I think a lot of 19 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,880 Speaker 1: the biggest revelations we have about who we are and 20 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,360 Speaker 1: who we want to become come from these two kind 21 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,240 Speaker 1: of facets. They come from who we're dating, how we're dating, 22 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 1: our experiences with love and heartbreak and so many other facets, 23 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 1: and then also our experiences with coping and coping with 24 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:40,480 Speaker 1: how our mind works and the ways that sometimes it 25 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,560 Speaker 1: betrays us. I think whilst a lot of us are 26 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:48,120 Speaker 1: out there looking for love, looking for connection, for inspiration, 27 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: for long term companionship, whatever it is that you're kind 28 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: of searching for on your dating life, this is also 29 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:58,600 Speaker 1: the decade of quite a lot of mental struggle. And 30 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: I don't want to say suffering because I don't think 31 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 1: that's the right word, but healing maybe, and also deep 32 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: emotional work. I think there's no denying the evidence, the 33 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 1: research that eighteen to nine to twenty nine year olds 34 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 1: have the largest incidence rate of mental health symptoms, primarily 35 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 1: anxiety and depression, than any other age group. We see 36 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,000 Speaker 1: it over and over again in studies all around the world, 37 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: young people, twenty something year olds, they're really doing it 38 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,760 Speaker 1: tough when it comes to their mental health. And whilst 39 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 1: that is going on, we are also expected to make 40 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,840 Speaker 1: that big transition into kind of what an adult should 41 00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:42,639 Speaker 1: look like, and we're meant to show people that we're 42 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 1: growing up, that we're progressing, that they don't need to 43 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,000 Speaker 1: worry about us. You know, we're hitting the adult milestones. 44 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: Part of that is dating, is having a relationship, is 45 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:54,080 Speaker 1: meeting people. And what I don't think anybody is talking 46 00:02:54,080 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 1: about is how mental health and dating really interact that 47 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,280 Speaker 1: relationship really needs to be explored in both directions, because 48 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:09,799 Speaker 1: dating is, honestly, it's such a vulnerable experience. It's so intimate. 49 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 1: You're basically sitting in front of a person and saying, 50 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,800 Speaker 1: please like me for who I am, maybe there's a 51 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,160 Speaker 1: future here, please accept me. But also, you know, it's 52 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,680 Speaker 1: okay if you don't like I don't want to get 53 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 1: too close to you. It's this whole I think kind 54 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,799 Speaker 1: of mental maze and our mental health is going to 55 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:32,639 Speaker 1: impact how we date, how we go about meeting you people, 56 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 1: how those experiences will affect us, and dating will also 57 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:43,280 Speaker 1: simultaneously impact our mental health. The rejection, the heartbreak, the 58 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,920 Speaker 1: ups and downs. That really does something to our groping skills, 59 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 1: to our mood, our confidence, our overall sense of emotional stability, 60 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: and I think that's really important to recognize. I also 61 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,720 Speaker 1: think part of the conversation around dating and mental health 62 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 1: has to do with the partners of people with mental 63 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 1: health struggles and what is it that they need to 64 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:09,000 Speaker 1: understand that maybe isn't communicated. You know, the things that 65 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,040 Speaker 1: people need from a relationship is you know, it's going 66 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 1: to differ. It's going to differ based on things like 67 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 1: preferences and attachment styles and past relationships, all of those things, 68 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,960 Speaker 1: but also based on where we are at mentally. If 69 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 1: you are anxious, you might require, you know, more reassurance 70 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:29,040 Speaker 1: from your partner. If you're prone to depressive episodes, you 71 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 1: might self isolate, you might push people away. And it 72 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,520 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you don't care about them, that you 73 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,159 Speaker 1: don't want connection, that you are not deserving of connection. 74 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 1: I just think that it is something that is part 75 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:43,160 Speaker 1: of kind of like not to sound cheesy, but our journey, 76 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,360 Speaker 1: and it's part of how we find people who accept 77 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: us for who we truly are. So I want to 78 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,119 Speaker 1: talk about it today. I want to talk about every 79 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 1: side of this connection, how everything interacts in this way, 80 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,960 Speaker 1: and I think, more importantly, how we can have both, 81 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:04,920 Speaker 1: how we can dates successfully without letting it harm our 82 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,719 Speaker 1: most precious resource, which is our mental health. How do 83 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:11,039 Speaker 1: we put up boundaries, how do we have hard conversations 84 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,920 Speaker 1: with the people we're seeing around what we need. How 85 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,280 Speaker 1: do we approach the things that maybe we want to 86 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,559 Speaker 1: hide from, How do we stop trauma bonding with people, 87 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 1: letting people take advantage of us. How do we kind 88 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: of cope with dealing with simultaneously the crazy world of 89 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,480 Speaker 1: dating whilst also taking care of ourselves and taking care 90 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 1: of our mental health. So we're going to talk about 91 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 1: all of it, all the research, all the psychology, all 92 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:38,040 Speaker 1: this science, and so much more. So let's get into it. 93 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 1: I want to start off by talking about how our 94 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,560 Speaker 1: mental health impacts how we date, how it changes the 95 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:55,799 Speaker 1: way that we date, our behavioral patterns, our attitudes towards dating. 96 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,640 Speaker 1: I think mental health is not a one size fits 97 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,159 Speaker 1: all kind of concept. We can't just slap a label 98 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,559 Speaker 1: on everyone who could possibly have a diagnosis that falls 99 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 1: into the DSM and call it mental health. I think 100 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:14,160 Speaker 1: different conditions are going to have a different impact when 101 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:15,920 Speaker 1: it comes to dating, and the main ones I really 102 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,320 Speaker 1: want to look at are really depression and anxiety. I 103 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,159 Speaker 1: think those have the highest prevalence, but there's also a 104 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,279 Speaker 1: lot to be said about the interactions between like ADHD 105 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,280 Speaker 1: and BPD in dating. One of the biggest things that 106 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:33,599 Speaker 1: underpins all conditions, all mental health conditions is though, I 107 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 1: think the experience of stigma that really persists to this day. 108 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 1: We know that stigma shows up in the world, and 109 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,200 Speaker 1: if it shows up in the world, it's going to 110 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,560 Speaker 1: show up in the people that we will meet, maybe 111 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,800 Speaker 1: the people we will date, it will show up in 112 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:51,200 Speaker 1: the people we talk to as unfortunate and sad as 113 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,479 Speaker 1: that is, and not everyone has the dialogue that perhaps 114 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,919 Speaker 1: we're having to understand that really it's not a reflection 115 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,480 Speaker 1: of who someone is. It doesn't say anything about their worth. 116 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,839 Speaker 1: So I think that's one of the primary things we 117 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,240 Speaker 1: have to navigate. How do we have those open conversations 118 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 1: around mental health with people that we're dating. When do 119 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 1: we tell people, do we tell people, what do we say? 120 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:15,040 Speaker 1: How do we respond when someone doesn't have a good 121 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: response and they let us down when they kind of 122 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 1: reveal a part of themselves that isn't willing to accept this, 123 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,920 Speaker 1: especially if it's someone that you're getting serious with. I 124 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 1: want to touch on that just a little bit later on. Firstly, 125 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 1: let's kind of break down what it is about conditions 126 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:35,560 Speaker 1: that may make dating different for different people who have 127 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 1: some kind of experience with mental health. Depression is what's 128 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: about to say. Depression is a good place to start. 129 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 1: But I know that sounds so terrible, but let's start there. 130 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:49,680 Speaker 1: Let's start there. Depression, I think, I know, makes it 131 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 1: hard to do anything. It is one of the primary 132 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 1: underlying facts about this condition. It makes it hard for 133 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 1: you to be excited about anything in life, you know, 134 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 1: let alone a random stranger you've met on a dating app, 135 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,200 Speaker 1: let alone the possibility of having to meet new people 136 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: and tell them your favorite color and let them get 137 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 1: to know you. I think depression also causes us to 138 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:17,080 Speaker 1: self isolate at times. It means that we have less 139 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:22,120 Speaker 1: energy occasionally to put energy into the early stages of dating, 140 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:27,120 Speaker 1: into going on dates, into putting ourselves out there. It's 141 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,560 Speaker 1: really hard, I think, and important to acknowledge that it's 142 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:34,240 Speaker 1: going to be different if you're someone who has these 143 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 1: episodes of just not feeling like the world is a 144 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:40,880 Speaker 1: great place, and maybe your response to that is to 145 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 1: go silent, is to self isolate. During those episodes, I 146 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 1: do feel like it's like everything stops, and that can 147 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: be hard for the people that we're dating to understand. 148 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:56,440 Speaker 1: We might end up accidentally ghosting someone. Maybe icing them out, 149 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,400 Speaker 1: and sometimes people don't understand that, and that's not something 150 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,720 Speaker 1: that we can read deem ourselves from, or we like 151 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,720 Speaker 1: go of good connections because we honestly just don't have 152 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 1: the mental bandwidth to maintain them. I think also depression 153 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,960 Speaker 1: has this awful habit of making us feel like we 154 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:19,280 Speaker 1: are not good people because we're not showing up in 155 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: the way that people expect us to. Let me talk 156 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 1: about that a little bit more. I think like when 157 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:28,199 Speaker 1: we imagine dating, especially in our twenties, it is this 158 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: image of like fun and excitement and like ecstasy and 159 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,319 Speaker 1: like everything is new and amazing, We're having the best 160 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 1: experiences and we're meeting people. But sometimes you just don't 161 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:43,080 Speaker 1: feel like a fun person. You just don't feel like 162 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:48,679 Speaker 1: you have the space to hold those experiences. And that 163 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 1: can make us feel like because we're not having the 164 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:54,679 Speaker 1: same experiences that everyone else is, because we are struggling 165 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:58,440 Speaker 1: with something deeper, that we are the problem. We turn 166 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,920 Speaker 1: to a point of a lot of self shame. And 167 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,320 Speaker 1: one of the real big kind of negative self talk 168 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 1: points that I see we tell ourselves. One of the 169 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 1: things we often say is like I'm lucky that this 170 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 1: person even likes me because of what I'm going through, 171 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,520 Speaker 1: They're going to get bored of me because I'm not 172 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:18,880 Speaker 1: as fun because I have this part of me that 173 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 1: maybe is harder to accept. And I think that that 174 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: makes it really hard to be vulnerable and to put 175 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,320 Speaker 1: ourselves out there, because when we are letting someone see 176 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 1: us for who we truly are, those dark sides included, 177 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,120 Speaker 1: sometimes it's hard to believe that someone will love us 178 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,960 Speaker 1: for that. That's one element of it, I think, one 179 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 1: of the elements behind why it's hard to put yourself 180 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 1: out there. But another I think unintended impact or experience 181 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,120 Speaker 1: that I think is something that a lot of people 182 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 1: who are struggling with mental health have is they need 183 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:53,840 Speaker 1: to overshare in order to justify our behavior or our experience, 184 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,040 Speaker 1: almost like we need to warn people of what they 185 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,679 Speaker 1: can expect. And I think that that can lead us 186 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:05,839 Speaker 1: to maybe being too vulnerable too soon. And I want 187 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,400 Speaker 1: to clarify what that means, because I'm not saying that 188 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,360 Speaker 1: if you struggle with depression or anxiety, like that's a 189 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 1: secret that you need to keep to yourself. No, I 190 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 1: think that you should be really open about it. But 191 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,600 Speaker 1: I think it's also a natural tendency for us to 192 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,439 Speaker 1: want to create closeness with someone, and that can cause 193 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,440 Speaker 1: us to tell them perhaps elements of our experience, elements 194 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,960 Speaker 1: of our journey that we're revealing too soon, and it's 195 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,280 Speaker 1: causing us to become attached too quickly, almost because like 196 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 1: I said, we feel like this person needs to be prepared, 197 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:38,559 Speaker 1: like we are this like this thing that like if 198 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,520 Speaker 1: we don't tell them now, they'll they'll be like surprised, 199 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,720 Speaker 1: they'll think we tricked them into falling in love. Like 200 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:47,600 Speaker 1: it's just I think a real negative mental spiral. Like 201 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 1: I said, it's not to say that you shouldn't be vulnerable, 202 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,680 Speaker 1: but I think something that we need to be aware 203 00:11:51,679 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 1: of if you are someone who is dating with mental health, 204 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 1: is perhaps our tendency to fantasy bond with someone or 205 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:04,280 Speaker 1: to become reliant on them. Once you have overshared or 206 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:09,440 Speaker 1: shared this big honest thing about yourself, you suddenly feel 207 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 1: like they could be your savior, that they could make 208 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:16,440 Speaker 1: your mental health better, they can fix you. And I've 209 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,360 Speaker 1: had that experience and it's not anything to feel any 210 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,199 Speaker 1: shame around, because that's really what we all want, right, 211 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,120 Speaker 1: Like we want someone to sit across from us, for 212 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 1: us to tell them and show them who we are, 213 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 1: and for them to say, I'll take all of it, 214 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,040 Speaker 1: I'll love you anyway, And we get to that point 215 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:36,800 Speaker 1: through sharing and through vulnerability and raw conversation. But I 216 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 1: also think that we put love on a pedestal, and 217 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 1: when everything else in your life might not be working out, 218 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,960 Speaker 1: when you're kind of like got this black cloud over 219 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,960 Speaker 1: your head, sometimes we expect more from love and from 220 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: the people who provide it than we should. We think 221 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,200 Speaker 1: that they're going to be the antidote to everything going 222 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 1: on in our mind, and we create false expectations. The 223 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 1: biggest reason why I'm kind of raising this yes, and 224 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,079 Speaker 1: why I think it's an important part of the conversation 225 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:07,600 Speaker 1: around dating and mental health. It's very easy to get 226 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:11,439 Speaker 1: carried away by the idea of someone fixing you, and 227 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:13,760 Speaker 1: for that to result in you kind of giving up 228 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 1: all your other coping skills and giving up the things 229 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: that actually keep you healthy, and then maybe having them leave, 230 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,559 Speaker 1: having them walk away, and watching your mental health plummet 231 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: like it never has before. When we become overreliant on 232 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,720 Speaker 1: someone before they prove to us that they are deserving 233 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,960 Speaker 1: of that trust and of that honesty, and of that vulnerability, 234 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:39,240 Speaker 1: suddenly we are left without the coping skills that we 235 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:43,120 Speaker 1: really need. I think what's worse is when people almost 236 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:47,200 Speaker 1: fetishize your mental health condition or your struggles, like the 237 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 1: fact that you are quote unquote like tortured. I see 238 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,360 Speaker 1: that word all the time, and like books where a 239 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 1: character has passed trauma or has a mental health condition, 240 00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:01,440 Speaker 1: like there's suddenly this like poetic, when in fact they're 241 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,439 Speaker 1: not like a piece of art. They're not like your 242 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,880 Speaker 1: manic pixie dream girl. They're just a person. They're just 243 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,080 Speaker 1: a person. This is part of their story. And I 244 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 1: think when we romanticize or let people romanticize our experiences, 245 00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:19,200 Speaker 1: they begin to see us as that rather than as 246 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 1: someone who is so much more than perhaps a label 247 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,280 Speaker 1: that has been put on us. One example of this 248 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:31,080 Speaker 1: that I'm really specifically thinking about is attracting people who 249 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 1: have a savior complex. So in psychology, the savior complex 250 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:40,840 Speaker 1: refers to a person an individual that has a strong 251 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 1: tendency to seek out others who need help and who 252 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,520 Speaker 1: are looking for a savior. They're looking for someone to 253 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: assist them, maybe because they are in a bad place. 254 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 1: It doesn't make that person a bad person. It's not 255 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:58,360 Speaker 1: always malicious, but sometimes people date other people for self 256 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: serving reasons because it makes them feel good to be 257 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,960 Speaker 1: the helper, to be this great person. And when we 258 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 1: examine that deeper, these people really benefit from you needing them. 259 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,400 Speaker 1: They have an ulterior motive to keep you stuck in 260 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 1: a dark place. And it's not always conscious. But if 261 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 1: your relationship has been founded on firstly that like intense 262 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:24,200 Speaker 1: bonding over experiences, but then also you're you know that 263 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: you needing this person, it's very hard to learn other 264 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:32,080 Speaker 1: ways to cope and to manage because it means that 265 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 1: you might need them less and they might therefore need 266 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,760 Speaker 1: you less as well, because you no longer fit this 267 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 1: like image of this like interesting, tortured individual. It's why 268 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 1: I think sometimes we see a lot of codependency in 269 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:50,080 Speaker 1: relationships between people who are struggling and people who are not. 270 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 1: It's important to remember that, although it's a hard truth, 271 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,080 Speaker 1: no one else is responsible for your mental health. That 272 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:02,320 Speaker 1: is all up to you, sadly, and it's very hard. 273 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,760 Speaker 1: But also you are not your mental health condition. You're 274 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: more than that. You deserve someone who loves you mental 275 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 1: health and or not in spite of it, definitely not, 276 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,240 Speaker 1: but also it doesn't need to be glamorized. There is 277 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,040 Speaker 1: a lot that we can romanticize in our lives, but 278 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: I don't think that poor mental health is one of them, 279 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,160 Speaker 1: and we certainly don't want someone else to be doing 280 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,480 Speaker 1: it for us. So I think that is something to 281 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,400 Speaker 1: be aware of, not just for people with depression, but 282 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 1: all conditions. How mental health can cause us to attach 283 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,800 Speaker 1: very quickly to people, to become reliant on them, to 284 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: see them as a savior, to see love is something 285 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:41,280 Speaker 1: that will fix our problems. That also applies to conditions 286 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 1: like anxiety as well, which is probably a great segue 287 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:49,200 Speaker 1: into talking about it. Anxiety, I think is more than 288 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:52,760 Speaker 1: just being stressed or worried from time to time. It 289 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:58,040 Speaker 1: can bring a constant sense of doom, of irritability, of restlessness, 290 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 1: and so many are hypervigilance, the whole the whole list, 291 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 1: and I think the most common types of anxiety that 292 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:09,200 Speaker 1: we really see a generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder. 293 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,680 Speaker 1: Let's focus on social anxiety just for a second here. 294 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,439 Speaker 1: I think the relationship and why social anxiety might make 295 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 1: it harder to date is maybe obvious, but still worth examining. Obviously, 296 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 1: it brings a certain shyness and introversion because what you're 297 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,520 Speaker 1: anxious about is not general things, is not the future, 298 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,520 Speaker 1: although that might still be something you think about. It's 299 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:37,040 Speaker 1: how other people perceive you. It's how other people. The 300 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:40,199 Speaker 1: acknowledgment that other people have an opinion of you that 301 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,440 Speaker 1: you might not be able to control, and that their 302 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:48,040 Speaker 1: opinion matters, and that kind of acknowledgement that experience can 303 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:52,120 Speaker 1: cause us to be quite closed off to the possibility 304 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 1: of dating and meeting new people. And it might feel like, 305 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,879 Speaker 1: whilst everyone else is having these experiences, you're kind of 306 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: held back because it's not that you can't do it, 307 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: but it's just harder for you to put yourself in 308 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: those novel situations with people that you don't know. I 309 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,240 Speaker 1: hear a lot of people be like, oh, just go 310 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 1: on dates, you know, just put yourself out there, not 311 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:18,800 Speaker 1: realizing how much more complicated and difficult that is. When 312 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 1: your brain is going a million miles an hour every 313 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,800 Speaker 1: waking moment and you have this like intense perception of 314 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:29,480 Speaker 1: everything that could go wrong, you feel a people's opinions 315 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,800 Speaker 1: more deeply. You're more hyper vigilant to perceive social threats. 316 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,639 Speaker 1: And I think one of the foundational parts of dating 317 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:39,120 Speaker 1: that that doesn't quite mesh well with is that part 318 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,720 Speaker 1: of dating is you want people to like you. But 319 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:45,160 Speaker 1: often we become too focused on that such that we 320 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,560 Speaker 1: can't enjoy the moment, We can't enjoy the process. We 321 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,119 Speaker 1: think that we should be more like this person, or 322 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,680 Speaker 1: make ourselves more like this version of us in order 323 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,719 Speaker 1: to get this person's approval and to avoid the social 324 00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,240 Speaker 1: rejection that we fear. How this shows up as something 325 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,439 Speaker 1: that I like to call an anxiety spiral, particularly before 326 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 1: things like first dates or even like second third dates. 327 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 1: You know, should I wear this? What will they think 328 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:11,760 Speaker 1: if I wear that? What will they think about if 329 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,600 Speaker 1: I answer this question this way? What will they think 330 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,719 Speaker 1: if I double text them? Like so many different fears 331 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,439 Speaker 1: that we have around what this person is thinking. It 332 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,000 Speaker 1: can cause us to feel really overwhelmed to say things 333 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,320 Speaker 1: we don't mean, to cancel dates last minute, to leave early, 334 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,760 Speaker 1: especially like for those of us with a panic disorder, 335 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,600 Speaker 1: it's a fear around what will happen if I have 336 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,080 Speaker 1: a panic attack during the date? How embarrassing like? And 337 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 1: it's that fear spiral, It's that catastrophizing, that future telling, 338 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:44,680 Speaker 1: that predicting that can lead to avoidance. The easiest way 339 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,359 Speaker 1: to not feel fear is to not put yourself in 340 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:51,160 Speaker 1: those situations. Right, So, whilst one person might not think 341 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,280 Speaker 1: twice about walking into a blind date with someone they 342 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 1: don't know, for someone else, it takes a lot more 343 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,560 Speaker 1: mental preparation, and sometimes it's easier to just not have 344 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:04,600 Speaker 1: those experiences because they are so stressful and so overwhelming. 345 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,280 Speaker 1: And it's not that you don't want love. It's not 346 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,959 Speaker 1: that you are like not putting yourself out there. It's 347 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,000 Speaker 1: not that you don't want to put yourself out there. 348 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,720 Speaker 1: It's so much more complicated, and I think sometimes that's 349 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,720 Speaker 1: something that people just can't say. I also want to 350 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:22,800 Speaker 1: talk about the impact of swipe based dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, 351 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,600 Speaker 1: and how they've been shown to impact our mental health 352 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,399 Speaker 1: in this century, not even in this century, in the 353 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 1: last like five to ten years. So there is one 354 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,280 Speaker 1: pretty amazing paper on this. It's actually one of the 355 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,639 Speaker 1: only pieces of research actually on this topic, and it 356 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,960 Speaker 1: was published in twenty twenty, and it really takes a 357 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:45,600 Speaker 1: deep dive into how dating apps have changed, not just 358 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:49,479 Speaker 1: how we date but the subsequent mental health impacts that 359 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 1: come with constantly being able to scroll thousands of profiles 360 00:20:54,320 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 1: and have your attractiveness and perceive desirability validated or dismissedes 361 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,200 Speaker 1: at all hours of the day. Yes, I think dating 362 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:08,159 Speaker 1: apps have expanded our options. If we're talking about anxiety, 363 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,000 Speaker 1: you know, it's really great for people with social anxiety. 364 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: At times. It means that they have more time to 365 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,800 Speaker 1: talk to someone online. You know, it's more accessible, but 366 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:21,600 Speaker 1: it's also a lot more stress inducing. This study, the 367 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,680 Speaker 1: one I was just speaking about, it showed that people 368 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:27,720 Speaker 1: who are using dating apps do report higher levels of depression, 369 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:32,480 Speaker 1: higher levels of anxiety, higher levels of comparison of distress 370 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:36,280 Speaker 1: compared to those who don't use these applications. And that's 371 00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 1: probably for a few reasons. Firstly, if you're not having 372 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 1: the success that you want, that can be incredibly demoralizing, 373 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:50,800 Speaker 1: incredibly painful. But additionally, when your emotional resources and ability 374 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,480 Speaker 1: to cope as already being taxed by mental health concerns, 375 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,399 Speaker 1: it means that you're a lot more sensitive to these 376 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: perceived rejects. And that is the second component of why 377 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,720 Speaker 1: I think dating apps in particular are hard for people 378 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,720 Speaker 1: who have anxiety or any type of mental health condition. 379 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:15,679 Speaker 1: Because of what we call rejection sensitivity, dating involves a 380 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:20,240 Speaker 1: lot more nose than it does. Yes's, some people, especially 381 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 1: those with anxiety or ADHD or BPD, experience a more 382 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:29,399 Speaker 1: severe reaction and emotional pain to being rejected than others. 383 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,239 Speaker 1: So they looked into this back in twenty twenty one 384 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 1: and they confirmed that link, and what they coined was 385 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:39,320 Speaker 1: this term called dating anxiety. And what that really comes 386 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,440 Speaker 1: to tell us is that there are certain people who 387 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:47,199 Speaker 1: their anxiety is so specific that it it comes to 388 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: revolve around this very experience of dating, of having to 389 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,800 Speaker 1: meet people new people who could potentially, you know, be 390 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,880 Speaker 1: the love of your life, but also is more likely 391 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:03,159 Speaker 1: than not going to not be a great experience. Is 392 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,680 Speaker 1: you know, as hard as that is, like I said, 393 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:10,439 Speaker 1: like dating is basically like a constant rejection exercise for 394 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:14,800 Speaker 1: a lot of people. And if your rejection sensitivity is heightened, 395 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:18,879 Speaker 1: it's going to mean that every time these these things happen, 396 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 1: every time you're ghosted, every time someone doesn't match with you, 397 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,800 Speaker 1: every time someone doesn't reply to you, it's going to 398 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,880 Speaker 1: mean that those things you feel them a lot more deeply. 399 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 1: It makes it harder to bounce back, and it makes 400 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:35,040 Speaker 1: you look for other conclusions to that person's perceived rejection. 401 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: It makes you look into what is wrong with you. 402 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:43,120 Speaker 1: Anxious people are not only I think, the biggest overthinkers 403 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:45,879 Speaker 1: out there, but also some of the most intelligent people 404 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:49,280 Speaker 1: in the world, because their brains are constantly looking for 405 00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:53,440 Speaker 1: answers to every problem, even problems that haven't happened yet, 406 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,040 Speaker 1: even problems that have nothing to do with them that 407 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,520 Speaker 1: they will never find an answer for. Someone hasn't messaged 408 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,679 Speaker 1: you back on dating app There are a million different 409 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,880 Speaker 1: conclusions someone hasn't asked you on a second date. There 410 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,240 Speaker 1: are also a million different answers as to why, but 411 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,840 Speaker 1: we cannot move forward without finding out why. And normally, 412 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,000 Speaker 1: when we don't have the answers from the other person, 413 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:20,680 Speaker 1: we look internally. We become very creative about our responses 414 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,879 Speaker 1: and we internalize that there must be something wrong with 415 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:28,120 Speaker 1: us if this person didn't like us enough to take 416 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,159 Speaker 1: it to the next level, to keep seeing us, to 417 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 1: message us back, and that reduces our self confidence, reduces 418 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,600 Speaker 1: our self esteem. It can really lead to an anxiety spiral, 419 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:43,000 Speaker 1: but also exacerbate things like our abandonment issues or an 420 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:47,920 Speaker 1: anxious or avoidant attachment style. Your threshold for what might 421 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:52,800 Speaker 1: be triggering you is, naturally, if you're someone with anxiety, 422 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,640 Speaker 1: a lot lower, meaning that it's more sensitive, meaning that 423 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 1: things that other people might ignore, things other people might dismiss, 424 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,639 Speaker 1: might see is just kind of like part of the game, 425 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:07,080 Speaker 1: impact you a lot more and also cause us to 426 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:13,439 Speaker 1: question our value, our value, our judgment, and kind of 427 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 1: what we have to offer. That is why if you 428 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,240 Speaker 1: are someone who struggles with their mental health and is 429 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:23,160 Speaker 1: also dating, you are going to have to set stronger 430 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:27,720 Speaker 1: boundaries than people who don't have those experiences. And there's 431 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:33,640 Speaker 1: a few reasons why bad dating experiences. Overlooking potential red flags, 432 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,359 Speaker 1: bad people, they can worsen our mental health in very, 433 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 1: very severe and serious ways. There is medical evidence to 434 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 1: support that bad dates, bad relationships, bad situationships, They can 435 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 1: cause stress. They can damage your immune system, mainly because 436 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:53,520 Speaker 1: those situations increase our cortisol. They put us in a 437 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:57,120 Speaker 1: stress state that if it isn't resolved, puts so much 438 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:01,040 Speaker 1: additional pressure on our body that it takes up all 439 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,640 Speaker 1: of our resources, all of the resources that we need 440 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,679 Speaker 1: to cope in other areas of our life. Our mental 441 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:10,120 Speaker 1: energy is a finite resource. So when one experience when 442 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,520 Speaker 1: one aspect of our life is requiring a lot from us, 443 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,439 Speaker 1: like a string of bad dates or a bunch of 444 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,520 Speaker 1: messages left on red, or a person who doesn't reply, 445 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,680 Speaker 1: or who treats you badly, or who just like keeps 446 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,720 Speaker 1: you know, she keeps dragging you along, leading you on. 447 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,760 Speaker 1: Those are so mentally taxing that they take resources that 448 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,440 Speaker 1: we need to devote to other things. They can also 449 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,199 Speaker 1: present as a trigger. Even healthy love can be a 450 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:40,440 Speaker 1: trigger because, as I said before, love leaves us incredibly vulnerable. 451 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,879 Speaker 1: It just demands that you be more open, more open 452 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 1: to connection, yes, but also more open to pain, to heartbreak, 453 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:56,560 Speaker 1: to being hurt. It is mentally demanding, it's emotionally quite perilous, 454 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,720 Speaker 1: and when things go wrong, your mental health will be 455 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,639 Speaker 1: in And that's not to scare you. It's just to 456 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,399 Speaker 1: make sure that you're aware that you need to be 457 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,680 Speaker 1: more conscious of what you should be demanding for yourself, 458 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,159 Speaker 1: who you are letting in. You know. I have a 459 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,240 Speaker 1: story about this about someone I dated, are going It 460 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,320 Speaker 1: was like my first boyfriend, and I did everything that 461 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,320 Speaker 1: you weren't meant to do. I I'm going to take 462 00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:21,600 Speaker 1: accountability here, Like I trauma bonded with this person. I 463 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,000 Speaker 1: became reliant on him whilst also ignoring all the signs 464 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,080 Speaker 1: that he had a savior complex. I abandoned my tried 465 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,119 Speaker 1: and tested self care habits and the important parts of 466 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,439 Speaker 1: my routine that were keeping me happy and stable and 467 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,960 Speaker 1: in a good place. And then he broke up with me, 468 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,879 Speaker 1: and that pushed me to such a low point. It 469 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:42,200 Speaker 1: completely disrupted what I felt was normal. It created emotional 470 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,960 Speaker 1: and balance, and it resulted in like a pretty massive 471 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: depressive episode that was like three months long. And I think, 472 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,399 Speaker 1: obviously that's a very serious case, but it happens a 473 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,560 Speaker 1: lot with things that are less serious. Like you just 474 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:57,240 Speaker 1: have to realize that your sensitivity and your threshold might 475 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,320 Speaker 1: be lower than other people because you are you do 476 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,639 Speaker 1: have such a big cart, because you do have so 477 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:05,520 Speaker 1: many other things going on that small things that other 478 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:09,280 Speaker 1: people can dismiss might hurt you and injure your sense 479 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:12,639 Speaker 1: of worth your self esteem more than others. And I 480 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 1: want you to ask yourself, you know, is a short 481 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:18,040 Speaker 1: attachment or a fling or a burst of romance with 482 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,360 Speaker 1: someone who might not be treating you well, who might 483 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,080 Speaker 1: not want what you want? Is it worth jeopardizing your 484 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:27,200 Speaker 1: mental health? That is one of the most important resources 485 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,879 Speaker 1: that you have. You cannot, I guess I get it 486 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,119 Speaker 1: back like it's so hard to rebuild. It is precious 487 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,959 Speaker 1: and it is delicate. So when you are dating people, 488 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,560 Speaker 1: really ask yourself, is this person proving to me that 489 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:42,000 Speaker 1: they are safe? Is it going to cost me my 490 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:45,400 Speaker 1: mental health to be with them? I think the answer 491 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,960 Speaker 1: to that question isn't always clear, But I want to 492 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 1: provide some tips on how to I don't want to 493 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,640 Speaker 1: say keep yourself safe because that is slightly dramatic, but 494 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:56,080 Speaker 1: more so how to date with your mental health and 495 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 1: emotional well being as a priority, and also some advice 496 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 1: for people who dating partners who struggle with their mental health. 497 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,480 Speaker 1: How can you show up as a really good person 498 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: in this person's life. How can you help them without 499 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:11,160 Speaker 1: being overbearing, without becoming that kind of savior character that 500 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,560 Speaker 1: we were speaking about. So all of that are more 501 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:22,720 Speaker 1: after this short break. We face a lot of misconceptions 502 00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:26,400 Speaker 1: when we date, as people myself included, who have had 503 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,720 Speaker 1: ups and dams with our mental health. And one of 504 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,800 Speaker 1: the biggest misconceptions I hear is that because you are 505 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,360 Speaker 1: depressed because you are anxious, because you need more reassurance, 506 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,800 Speaker 1: because you could tastrophize, because you need more rest. Whatever 507 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:42,080 Speaker 1: it is that you are somehow less deserving of love, 508 00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:44,720 Speaker 1: that it is harder in some way for people to 509 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,800 Speaker 1: love you. There is not a tiny, tiny part of 510 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:50,160 Speaker 1: that that is true, not at all. And I think 511 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:53,640 Speaker 1: when we I don't want to say, let ourselves believe it, 512 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 1: but when we take that as a truth, when we 513 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:00,800 Speaker 1: hear that, too often we settle for lefs yes, because 514 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,320 Speaker 1: we begin to think, well, if I'm hard to love, 515 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,640 Speaker 1: I should take what I am given and I should 516 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,479 Speaker 1: be happy with it because it's better than nothing. And 517 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:11,600 Speaker 1: that is the absolute worst mindset that we can have 518 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: when it comes to like looking for love. You are 519 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:19,080 Speaker 1: deserving of just so much, so much, if not more. 520 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:23,520 Speaker 1: You're so incredibly open hearted and sensitive and empathetic. You 521 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:27,200 Speaker 1: see the world differently like that is amazing, and I 522 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:30,560 Speaker 1: think we need to ensure that we are open to 523 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,480 Speaker 1: the love that we deserve whilst also really taking care 524 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,240 Speaker 1: of ourselves. So here are some of my tips. Number one, 525 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,120 Speaker 1: don't feel like you need to give people a reason 526 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:42,040 Speaker 1: if you're a little off, especially in the early stages 527 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:45,160 Speaker 1: of dating, you don't need to be explicit or over 528 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:49,000 Speaker 1: explain yourself. If you need to cancel a date because 529 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,840 Speaker 1: you're having an episode or because you're just really anxious, 530 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,160 Speaker 1: just say, you know, you don't have to give them 531 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,600 Speaker 1: the exact reason. Sometimes I think honesty is not the 532 00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 1: best policy, And we're not doing this from a place 533 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:03,840 Speaker 1: of like what if I scare them off? Like absolutely not. 534 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:08,400 Speaker 1: It's more that we want to protect ourselves from feeling 535 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 1: closer to this person than we need to before they've 536 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:13,880 Speaker 1: proved to us that they deserve to feel close to us. 537 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:16,600 Speaker 1: Hopefully that makes sense. But I think if we like 538 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,200 Speaker 1: immediately are like, sorry, I need to cancel the date, 539 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:23,600 Speaker 1: like I'm super depressed because you know, my pet just died, 540 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,760 Speaker 1: and oh I've had you know, ongoing depression for three 541 00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:31,000 Speaker 1: years and blah blah. Like obviously, like eventually, if this 542 00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:33,880 Speaker 1: person like works out, you can tell them all those things. 543 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,000 Speaker 1: You should tell them all those things. But in the 544 00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:38,520 Speaker 1: early stages, I do think, as we spoke about in 545 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: the first half of this episode, you don't want to 546 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:44,040 Speaker 1: become like, feel like you're relying on this person, or 547 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:46,600 Speaker 1: feel like because you've shared something with them that suddenly 548 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:50,120 Speaker 1: the relationship is more important than it actually is. So 549 00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:51,959 Speaker 1: don't feel like you need that they need to know 550 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:55,040 Speaker 1: everything about you up front. I think that prevents trauma bonding, 551 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:59,200 Speaker 1: and it allows you to kind of create some some distance, 552 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,400 Speaker 1: some healthy disc so that you continue to ensure that 553 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 1: you are coping without looking to them to be your savior, 554 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,680 Speaker 1: looking to them to be your distraction. Some ways that 555 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:11,560 Speaker 1: we can do that obviously, like you don't need to 556 00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:15,080 Speaker 1: be explicit if things are happening, especially not if it's 557 00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:17,600 Speaker 1: like before a first date or like even I would say, 558 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,800 Speaker 1: in the first three dates. And also create space between 559 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:23,160 Speaker 1: your dates as well, so that you don't feel like 560 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 1: I think this doesn't even just relate to people with 561 00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:30,800 Speaker 1: mental health concerns, but everyone. Like sometimes when you spend 562 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:32,760 Speaker 1: like three days in a row with someone, like you're 563 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:35,600 Speaker 1: automatically going to see them as like a more important 564 00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:37,280 Speaker 1: part of your life than someone that you went on 565 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:40,640 Speaker 1: three dates with, like over the span of three weeks. 566 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 1: So try and like give yourself time, give yourself space 567 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:48,280 Speaker 1: to actually get to know someone. Try not to date 568 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,720 Speaker 1: as a distraction from your mental health, from taking care 569 00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:54,720 Speaker 1: of yourself or at the expense of your mental health. 570 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,960 Speaker 1: If you know that you are going through a really 571 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:02,280 Speaker 1: hard time and that maybe one of your tendencies is 572 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:05,040 Speaker 1: to self sabotage, is to self destruct, and the way 573 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:09,320 Speaker 1: you do that is through dating. You know that about yourself. 574 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:13,160 Speaker 1: You know that, So try not to use other people, 575 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:17,080 Speaker 1: to use the allure of love as a solution, as 576 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:23,400 Speaker 1: a distraction, as kind of like a tool that isn't dependable, 577 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,720 Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like mental health is 578 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:30,760 Speaker 1: so delicate, but also I think after a period of time, 579 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,320 Speaker 1: you kind of understand what works for you. Is that 580 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,160 Speaker 1: taking your medication on time, Is that making sure that 581 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: you have a loone time and time to reset. Is 582 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,080 Speaker 1: it making sure that you're doing enough exercise, that you're 583 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:46,240 Speaker 1: going to therapy. And if there is a relationship that 584 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,480 Speaker 1: is getting in the way of you doing those things, 585 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:51,880 Speaker 1: those things that you know are independently really good for you. 586 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,880 Speaker 1: Because you are using this person as a distraction because 587 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,960 Speaker 1: they seem to be offering you this like huge, big, 588 00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:04,120 Speaker 1: glowing life change antidote that is love. Take a step back. Also, 589 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,840 Speaker 1: don't be afraid to say that doesn't work for me. 590 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:11,879 Speaker 1: Like if you have things that you need to do 591 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:17,040 Speaker 1: to protect your mental health. You don't owe this person anything, right, Like, 592 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,440 Speaker 1: the most important person in your life is you, and 593 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,920 Speaker 1: taking care of you should always be priority. Don't worry 594 00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:26,520 Speaker 1: about upsetting them, don't worry about letting them down. That 595 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:30,399 Speaker 1: is a people pleasing habit that is obviously more common 596 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:33,279 Speaker 1: amongst people who are anxious or amongst people who have 597 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:37,440 Speaker 1: some kind of trauma to do with dating. You're allowed 598 00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:39,480 Speaker 1: to say, no, that doesn't work for me. You're allowed 599 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:42,080 Speaker 1: to say you're allowed to put up boundaries, and you're 600 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:45,440 Speaker 1: allowed to like continue to prioritize yourself even if this 601 00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:48,279 Speaker 1: other person might be bothered by it, even if they 602 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,160 Speaker 1: might be upset, even if it doesn't work for them. 603 00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:56,479 Speaker 1: If you are also an anxious person when dating, get 604 00:34:56,480 --> 00:35:01,239 Speaker 1: off the apps or limit your notifications. I did this 605 00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:04,160 Speaker 1: a lot because I would get like these phantom buzzers. 606 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,640 Speaker 1: I'm such an anxious data right, because I am an 607 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:10,720 Speaker 1: anxious person that immediately after I'd match with something, everything 608 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,160 Speaker 1: match with someone, like, everything would just feel more heightened. 609 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:16,880 Speaker 1: There was so much expectation because I was always overthinking everything, 610 00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:19,240 Speaker 1: and I was always like looking to predict the future, 611 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:21,400 Speaker 1: and so I found that like I would always be 612 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:25,080 Speaker 1: checking my phone. I was always like overly worried about 613 00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:27,040 Speaker 1: when this person was going to get back to me, 614 00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:30,879 Speaker 1: like what they'd said if they'd match with me. Turn 615 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 1: off your notifications and only check them twice a day, 616 00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:36,520 Speaker 1: once a day. I don't know whether set like a 617 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:39,520 Speaker 1: time period that feels reasonable for you and stick to 618 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,520 Speaker 1: it so that you don't feel like this thing, this 619 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:47,640 Speaker 1: app this like weird holy grail of like potential dates 620 00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:52,600 Speaker 1: has control over your emotional reactions and has control over 621 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:55,600 Speaker 1: your mood. If whether or not someone matched with you 622 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:57,759 Speaker 1: that day, or whether or not this man replied to 623 00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:00,000 Speaker 1: you or this woman or this person replied to you 624 00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:03,280 Speaker 1: is impacting your mood, that is a really good point 625 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:05,239 Speaker 1: time to be like, I'm going to set a boundary here. 626 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:08,080 Speaker 1: This is not healthy, This is not serving me, This 627 00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:10,080 Speaker 1: is not good for my health, and my health is 628 00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:13,160 Speaker 1: I'm about to be like health as wealth, very cheesy, 629 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:16,560 Speaker 1: very doctor Seuss vibes. But it really is, It really is, 630 00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:19,239 Speaker 1: And I think it's worth it to take a step back, 631 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:21,880 Speaker 1: even if you get less of the validation, even if 632 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,279 Speaker 1: you feel like you're actively dating and pursuing love, in 633 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,319 Speaker 1: order to really like rest and sit in what you 634 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:33,120 Speaker 1: need if you are dating after trauma or a hard experience. 635 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,560 Speaker 1: I also say, like go on dates at a low pressure, 636 00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:38,560 Speaker 1: go on dates at are low efforts, so you don't 637 00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:41,799 Speaker 1: get too invested at the start. Ask more questions of 638 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:46,160 Speaker 1: them than them of you, to really test their emotional intelligence. 639 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:49,600 Speaker 1: I like, have a few questions here that I ask 640 00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:53,880 Speaker 1: that I did ask that really like allowed me to 641 00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,600 Speaker 1: see whether this person is going to be accepting of 642 00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:59,560 Speaker 1: me and everything that that brought. One of the best 643 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,160 Speaker 1: ones is to ask them the last time they cried. 644 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:06,320 Speaker 1: I know it sounds like so silly, but how someone 645 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:09,839 Speaker 1: responds to that question honestly actually tells you a lot 646 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:14,160 Speaker 1: about how they'll be, not just in a relationship, but 647 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:19,200 Speaker 1: kind of how they see emotional reactions in general, how 648 00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:22,520 Speaker 1: they treat their own emotions. And maybe I should have 649 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:24,799 Speaker 1: said this tip earlier, but I think it kind of 650 00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:27,680 Speaker 1: was obvious, Like sometimes you just need to stop dating, 651 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,520 Speaker 1: like if sometimes it's just not worth it. It's just 652 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:36,080 Speaker 1: there are a lot of reasons why it's harder sometimes 653 00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:39,920 Speaker 1: obviously the rejection sensitivity, the self worth, that need to 654 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:43,279 Speaker 1: self isolate, the depressive episodes, Like sometimes it's just it's 655 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:45,719 Speaker 1: too hard and it's okay to just be like, yeah, 656 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:47,759 Speaker 1: I'm not dating at the moment, it might seem like 657 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,840 Speaker 1: everyone else is doing it. You don't need to be everyone, 658 00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:53,839 Speaker 1: you know need to be like putting yourself through an 659 00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:57,720 Speaker 1: emotional rollercoaster with the promise that maybe you'll meet someone, 660 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:00,920 Speaker 1: because maybe you will meet someone, but maybe they will 661 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:02,920 Speaker 1: hurt you more than you're prepared to be hurt at 662 00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:05,759 Speaker 1: the moment, more than you like are able to be 663 00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:09,279 Speaker 1: heard at the moment, you know, more than you can take. 664 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:12,680 Speaker 1: I think that's an important thing to think about. All right, 665 00:38:12,719 --> 00:38:14,600 Speaker 1: So those are some of my tips. Take them or 666 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:17,640 Speaker 1: leave them. Please. If you have others, tell me I'll 667 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,279 Speaker 1: share them. I'll share them over on my Instagram. But 668 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:22,959 Speaker 1: I want to also just quickly talk about a quick 669 00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:26,120 Speaker 1: like rapid fire list for people who might be listening 670 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:29,520 Speaker 1: to this episode seeking information about someone they're dating who 671 00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:32,520 Speaker 1: is struggling with depression, who is struggling with anxiety, who 672 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:36,440 Speaker 1: is struggling with a mental health condition, coming from someone 673 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,640 Speaker 1: who I'm dating, someone who is amazing at this, who 674 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:43,160 Speaker 1: is just like, I don't know where he got this 675 00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:47,440 Speaker 1: unique ability, this unique ability for just like empathy and 676 00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:49,759 Speaker 1: just to know what to do. And I think I've 677 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:51,560 Speaker 1: learned a lot from him in terms of like what 678 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:54,279 Speaker 1: it means to show up for someone in a relationship 679 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,319 Speaker 1: when they're struggling through what he's done and through how 680 00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:01,000 Speaker 1: he's shown up for me. So firstly, let them talk 681 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:04,680 Speaker 1: or let them be silent. Don't be too pushy for 682 00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:08,799 Speaker 1: answers because you think that them talking about something is 683 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,480 Speaker 1: going to make it better for them. I think sometimes 684 00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:13,719 Speaker 1: we think that if we vocalize, like someone just needs 685 00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:16,920 Speaker 1: to vocalize how they're feeling and they'll feel better. Like that, 686 00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:20,520 Speaker 1: internalizing any problem means that we're suppressing it, we're not 687 00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:23,640 Speaker 1: dealing with it. That is not how everyone's minds work. 688 00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:26,960 Speaker 1: Sometimes we do need to be silent in order to process. 689 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:28,879 Speaker 1: Sometimes that is the best way for us to work 690 00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:33,680 Speaker 1: through heavy emotions. So honestly, you see yourself as like 691 00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:36,239 Speaker 1: almost like a priest, almost like someone who's willing to 692 00:39:36,239 --> 00:39:38,400 Speaker 1: listen to, someone who's willing to give advice based on 693 00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:42,040 Speaker 1: what that person needs. Secondly, don't make them feel guilty 694 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:45,839 Speaker 1: for things not in their control. They cannot Like if 695 00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,200 Speaker 1: you've had any experience with mental health, you will know 696 00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:52,200 Speaker 1: that you can try so hard to be something for 697 00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:55,120 Speaker 1: someone else. Can try so hard to show up for 698 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:58,560 Speaker 1: plans that you just mentally cannot cannot do. You can 699 00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:00,719 Speaker 1: try so hard to get out of you can try 700 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:05,440 Speaker 1: so hard to suppress that need for reassurance, and it's 701 00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:09,560 Speaker 1: not going to work. So as their partner, don't make 702 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:13,720 Speaker 1: them feel bad when they're probably already feeling bad enough 703 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:17,320 Speaker 1: for the ways that maybe their mental health is showing 704 00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:21,200 Speaker 1: up in your relationship in less than great ways. Thirdly, 705 00:40:21,520 --> 00:40:26,000 Speaker 1: this probably should have been number one. Educate yourself, and 706 00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:29,479 Speaker 1: you can educate yourself through speaking to them as well, 707 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:32,680 Speaker 1: because you can educate yourself on their exact symptoms, on 708 00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:36,160 Speaker 1: their exact patterns of thinking, on how it shows up 709 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:38,839 Speaker 1: for them. But it's very easy to use Google. You 710 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:42,440 Speaker 1: can just have a little browse on like what it 711 00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:48,080 Speaker 1: is that this condition really means for someone, how it 712 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:51,960 Speaker 1: shows up in their life, what someone might need, so 713 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,840 Speaker 1: that you can also be able to have open conversations 714 00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:58,360 Speaker 1: with this person, with this person you love. Be patient. 715 00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:02,120 Speaker 1: Be patient. They're trying really hard, and I know you're 716 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:05,120 Speaker 1: probably trying really hard too. Both of you are trying 717 00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:08,120 Speaker 1: really hard. Like that's a winning factor in a relationship. 718 00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:10,759 Speaker 1: But be patient. With them if they don't have all 719 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:13,279 Speaker 1: the answers for why they're feeling a certain way right now, 720 00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:16,640 Speaker 1: they might not have the answers. Mental health is a 721 00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:20,040 Speaker 1: bit of a black box sometimes. Just let them take 722 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:24,279 Speaker 1: some time to process things themselves, to talk to you 723 00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:27,120 Speaker 1: when they need to talk to you, and offer small 724 00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:31,440 Speaker 1: creature comforts, offer like a home cooked meal, offer for 725 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:33,360 Speaker 1: you to offer to go out and get them the 726 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:35,879 Speaker 1: groceries that they need to just quickly vacuum their room, 727 00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:38,920 Speaker 1: things that like might be really mentally draining for them 728 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:42,520 Speaker 1: that you have the capacity to do. Speaking of capacity, though, 729 00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:47,400 Speaker 1: take care of yourself and know that it is okay 730 00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:51,200 Speaker 1: to walk away. You are not their care. But also 731 00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:55,319 Speaker 1: don't blindside them, and definitely don't give them ultimatums like 732 00:41:56,640 --> 00:42:00,560 Speaker 1: you need to get better or or like I'll start 733 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,040 Speaker 1: coming over more once you start going to therapy every 734 00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:06,279 Speaker 1: day or once you start taking a medication like that 735 00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:09,040 Speaker 1: is not It might feel like you're loving someone through 736 00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:12,080 Speaker 1: tough love, but I think it just causes a relationship 737 00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,239 Speaker 1: to rip. It causes them to feel like they can't 738 00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:16,839 Speaker 1: be honest with you. When you love someone, it's very 739 00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:19,680 Speaker 1: easy to really want to show up for them and 740 00:42:19,719 --> 00:42:22,319 Speaker 1: almost like it's like that saying, like you can take 741 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:25,560 Speaker 1: a horse to water, but you can't always make them drink. 742 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:29,880 Speaker 1: You might feel like you're helping by because you know 743 00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:32,839 Speaker 1: what's best for them, because you're this outside person, and 744 00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:35,879 Speaker 1: sometimes you don't. You can gently encourage, but I think 745 00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:41,520 Speaker 1: they know themselves quite well at this point and they 746 00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:44,920 Speaker 1: know what they need and you don't need to be 747 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:48,880 Speaker 1: their care I think when a relationship takes on that 748 00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:53,600 Speaker 1: kind of role, takes on that dynamic, that's when things 749 00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:56,440 Speaker 1: begin to fall apart. That's when we see codependency, that's 750 00:42:56,480 --> 00:43:00,160 Speaker 1: when we see a heavy emotional reliance. That's a we 751 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:03,200 Speaker 1: see trauma bonding, and that's not really I think the 752 00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:06,080 Speaker 1: marker of a good long term relationship. You need to 753 00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:11,080 Speaker 1: be your own people together. So I hope that this 754 00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:15,480 Speaker 1: episode has been helpful. I understand that it might be rambling. 755 00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:17,719 Speaker 1: Even as I was recording, I was like, there was 756 00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,479 Speaker 1: so much to be said here, so much to pack 757 00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:26,080 Speaker 1: into like just this one episode. Honestly, there's there's so 758 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:28,279 Speaker 1: much more research that needs to be done on this, 759 00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:31,080 Speaker 1: and there's so many more conversations that need to be 760 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,239 Speaker 1: done on this as well. Like we always think of 761 00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:38,000 Speaker 1: mental health as like just deriving entirely from our choices 762 00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:40,640 Speaker 1: in a way, or it's biological, but there is so 763 00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:44,680 Speaker 1: much about our environment, including like the people were dating, 764 00:43:44,719 --> 00:43:49,080 Speaker 1: that people were romantically involved with, that whole social process 765 00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:52,000 Speaker 1: that holds everything to do with it, that does like 766 00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:56,200 Speaker 1: have a very deep emotional and psychological impact. So I 767 00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:58,359 Speaker 1: hope that you have learned something. I hope that this 768 00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:00,840 Speaker 1: is helpful. I hope that you can apply it to 769 00:44:00,880 --> 00:44:03,359 Speaker 1: your own life. And if there is someone who needs 770 00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:06,239 Speaker 1: to hear this episode, please feel free to share it 771 00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,600 Speaker 1: with them. As always, please feel free as well to 772 00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:13,600 Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever 773 00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:17,239 Speaker 1: you are listening, if you feel cool to do so. 774 00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:20,080 Speaker 1: It helps us show grow. Big shout out to Charlotte, 775 00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:24,760 Speaker 1: who left me the nicest review on Apple Podcasts. Charlotte, 776 00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:26,560 Speaker 1: thank you. If you're listening to this, it made me 777 00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:29,680 Speaker 1: super emotional. I read every single one of them. If 778 00:44:29,719 --> 00:44:32,080 Speaker 1: you have an episode suggestion, if you have a comment, 779 00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:34,880 Speaker 1: if you have a query, if you have thoughts, please 780 00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:38,200 Speaker 1: feel free to follow me at that Psychology podcast reach 781 00:44:38,239 --> 00:44:41,040 Speaker 1: out to me over there, and as always, we will 782 00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:49,440 Speaker 1: be back next week with another episode