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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls podcasts, a

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Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,

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Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.

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Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning

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Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a

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Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,

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Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session seventy five

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Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. A couple of

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Speaker 1: weeks ago for our three for Thursday chat, a few

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Speaker 1: of you asked me to do an episode about self sabotage,

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Speaker 1: and that's what we'll discussing today. What is it, why

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Speaker 1: do we do it? And how to stop so? What

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Speaker 1: is self sabotage? Self sabotage is the often subconscious behaviors

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Speaker 1: and thoughts that get in the way of us achieving

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Speaker 1: what we say we actually want. You might also refer

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Speaker 1: to it as block in your own blessings. Here are

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Speaker 1: a few examples you know that mornings are when you're

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Speaker 1: your most productive, but still you stay up late every

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Speaker 1: night watching Netflix. Or you've procrastinated and waited for the

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Speaker 1: last minute and now you don't have time to thoroughly

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Speaker 1: review or have someone else look over that fellowship application,

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Speaker 1: or how about this one. You've noticed a pattern where

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Speaker 1: you'll date someone pretty heavily for about six months, and

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Speaker 1: then right around that six month mark, you realize you

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Speaker 1: really don't think you have that much in common. I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying, I'm just saying, and I'm sure you have

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Speaker 1: your own examples. You know that I want to hear them,

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Speaker 1: so share them with us on social media using the

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Speaker 1: hashtag TPG and session. So in each of these cases,

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Speaker 1: we're in some way working against what we say we

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Speaker 1: actually want. Why do we do this? In my experience,

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Speaker 1: it appears there are four major reasons why we self sabotage.

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Speaker 1: One fear of failure to fear of success. Three we

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Speaker 1: don't believe we actually deserve good things, and four imposter syndrome.

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Speaker 1: Let's take a look at each of them a little

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Speaker 1: more closely. Fear of failure. You know this, this is

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Speaker 1: that unshakable worry that I won't actually be successful at

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Speaker 1: this thing I'm trying, and so I don't even try

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Speaker 1: at all. It tends to happen a lot for people

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Speaker 1: who are used to doing well, and so the idea

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Speaker 1: that they might not do well as something can sometimes

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Speaker 1: leave them paralyzed. Fear of success is fear of failure

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Speaker 1: is annoying little brother because in some ways it feels

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Speaker 1: pretty ridiculous. You're working really hard at this thing, and

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Speaker 1: so of course he wants to be successful. But sometimes,

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Speaker 1: and like I said, a lot of this plays out subconsciously.

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Speaker 1: When we're not used to operating on a certain level,

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Speaker 1: it feels more comfortable to just stay where we are.

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Speaker 1: So I love to have closer friendships or more friendships,

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Speaker 1: but I've been betrayed by friends in the past, so

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Speaker 1: I don't actually do the work to cultivate deeper friendships

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Speaker 1: because on some level I expect or I'm afraid I'll

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Speaker 1: be hurt again. We don't believe we deserve good things,

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Speaker 1: You know how You can be super excited that your

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Speaker 1: friends are getting promotions and getting engaged and taking amazing

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Speaker 1: trips around the country, but you also feel like these

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Speaker 1: things won't happen for you. That's what we're talking about

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Speaker 1: here the belief that good things happen to other people

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Speaker 1: because they're worthy and they deserve it, but you don't.

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Speaker 1: So if you don't believe that you deserve these things,

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Speaker 1: then you don't act in accordance with it, and thereby

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Speaker 1: your sabotaging yourself. This often comes from a place of trauma,

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Speaker 1: maybe some unresolved childhood stuff where your needs weren't met

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Speaker 1: or you were told that you were too needy, and

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Speaker 1: so you internalize that message and now you act as

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Speaker 1: if you don't have needs or desires. And then, finally,

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Speaker 1: the imposter syndrome. This is the belief that you're not

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Speaker 1: actually smart enough, or well trained enough, or whatever enough

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Speaker 1: to be occupying the spaces that you're in, Like somehow

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Speaker 1: you're a fraud and you're just playing the role of

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Speaker 1: whatever it is. And if you feel like a fraud

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Speaker 1: or that you're just playing dress up, it can lead

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Speaker 1: to a lot of anxiety and perhaps behaving in ways

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Speaker 1: that ultimately undermine your rightful space and whatever this position is.

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Speaker 1: So what do we do about it? Here are a

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Speaker 1: few tips. The first step, once you become aware that

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Speaker 1: this is what's happening, is to acknowledge that it is happening,

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Speaker 1: and to be honest with yourself about how you might

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Speaker 1: be getting in your own way. Tip number two, try

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Speaker 1: to get to the root of what's coming up for you.

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Speaker 1: What are you afraid will happen if this thing happens.

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Speaker 1: What's the worst thing that will happen if you're successful.

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Speaker 1: This is where some journaling can be really helpful in

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Speaker 1: making sense of what's happening. Tip number three solicit the

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Speaker 1: help of an accountability partner and a therapist. Your accountability

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Speaker 1: partner should be someone you give permission to call you

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Speaker 1: out when they see you attempting to sabotage again, and

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Speaker 1: a therapist can really help you dig into the root

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Speaker 1: causes of what's leading to this behavior. If you try

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Speaker 1: thinking about it and journaling about it and you can't

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Speaker 1: come up with anything, then talking to a therapist just

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Speaker 1: might help. Tip number four. Find a mentor or a

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Speaker 1: consultant who has walked the path that you're wanting to

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Speaker 1: go down and ask lots of questions. Read any books

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Speaker 1: that they've written, pay attention to their social media, go

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Speaker 1: and hear them speak. All of these things might give

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Speaker 1: you some insight to help you feel less afraid of

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Speaker 1: taking the next steps. And then tip number five, make

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Speaker 1: yourself an outline of what needs to happen for you

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Speaker 1: to get to the next level. What small steps can

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Speaker 1: you take to get some traction? If you're wanting to

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Speaker 1: make new friends, where will you go to find new

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Speaker 1: potential friends? If you're ready to start your business, what

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Speaker 1: should be the first steps? Making yourself a game plan

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Speaker 1: in writing it down and then starting small with steps

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Speaker 1: one and two is all you need to commit to

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Speaker 1: get things moving. So again, I'm curious to hear about

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Speaker 1: what this looks like in your lives. I know many

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Speaker 1: of you struggle with this because you ask for this

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Speaker 1: topic to be addressed. So tell me what's happening or

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Speaker 1: there are particular areas you find yourself sabotaging, What has

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Speaker 1: helped you to notice when you're doing it, and what

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Speaker 1: has helped you to stop? Let me know on social

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Speaker 1: media and make sure to use the hashtag tb G

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Speaker 1: in session. I'm sure we'll be having a very extensive

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Speaker 1: conversation about this over the Thrive tribe. So if you

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Speaker 1: haven't already joined us, then you may want to come

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Speaker 1: on and do so. Now you can request a joint

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Tribe and

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Speaker 1: make sure to answer the three questions that are asked.

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Speaker 1: If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be

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Speaker 1: sure to visit the therapist directory at Therapy for Black

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Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash directory. Don't forget to check out

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Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls store to grab yourself a

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Speaker 1: T shirt or mug and show your love for the podcast.

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Speaker 1: You can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot

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Speaker 1: com slash shop. Thank you all so much for joining

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Speaker 1: me again this week, and I look forward to continue

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Speaker 1: in this conversation with you all real soon. Take a

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Speaker 1: care