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Speaker 1: This is John, this is them Okay Storytime podcast hosts,

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Speaker 1: and we have some.

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Speaker 2: Good story is coming up for you.

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Speaker 1: That's right.

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Speaker 3: But before that, we have a little morsel of a

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Speaker 3: two minute ad break from the sponsors keeping the show delicious.

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Speaker 2: My friend told a judge that she'd move in with

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Speaker 2: me without asking me first. She's guilty. I twenty seven female,

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Speaker 2: will call her Emma, twenty five female. We met at

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Speaker 2: work in summer twenty nineteen. Into summer twenty nineteen, Emma

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Speaker 2: moved to New York to be with someone that she

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Speaker 2: was dating long distance briefly, a guy that she knew

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Speaker 2: from high school called Ed. She got pregnant soon after,

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Speaker 2: and we stayed in close contacts. That's faus.

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Speaker 4: That's quick.

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Speaker 2: While Emma was pregnant, both her parents passed away. Oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh, Oh no, her relationship with Ed went downhill fast.

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Speaker 2: By the time she had the baby, she knew that

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Speaker 2: she'd made the wrong choice by moving. By the way,

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Speaker 2: this comes from Throwaway Weird Roomies, and if you want

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Speaker 2: to submit your own stories, go to the r slash

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Speaker 2: Okay Storytime sepreddit. So Ed neglected the baby up with

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Speaker 2: him several months ago, but stayed in his house with

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Speaker 2: the baby. Bro Emma started talking to David back in

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Speaker 2: her home state of Florida, discussing how they wanted to

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Speaker 2: build a family together. Didn't learn after the first guy,

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Speaker 2: I guess, and she got snappier with Ed and eventually

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Speaker 2: admitted that she was talking to someone else. This led

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Speaker 2: to Ed punting her out, forcing her to take the

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Speaker 2: baby to a shelter. They went to court and the

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Speaker 2: judge ordered that she moved back in while he moved

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Speaker 2: out until they could make a decision. Here's where it

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Speaker 2: gets problematic. And court, Emma told him that she wanted

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Speaker 2: to go to Florida. They said no because she has

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Speaker 2: a warrant there. Then she said that she could come

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Speaker 2: to my state. The judge said that he would allow

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Speaker 2: it if Ed agreed, and the case was continued to

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Speaker 2: a hearing. She never asked me before bringing up my

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Speaker 2: state in court. She just assumed that she could come here.

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Speaker 2: When she told me afterwards, she said, I told the

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Speaker 2: judge that I can come to your state. I hope

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Speaker 2: that's okay. She didn't even ask me first. I agreed

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Speaker 2: out of pressure, and now that I did, I'm dreading it.

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Speaker 2: I just got my apartment, and it's nicer than anything

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Speaker 2: in my price range. It's income based, so it has

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Speaker 2: stricter rules about people not on the least staying. Since

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Speaker 2: she has a warrant, I imagine finding a place to

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Speaker 2: rent on her own would be difficult. Plus she has

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Speaker 2: a baby and the walls here aren't sound proof. I'm

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Speaker 2: worried she'll end up overstaying her welcome and I'll get

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Speaker 2: caught and evicted. I don't even want to think about

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Speaker 2: what happens if she moves in and refuses to move out.

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Speaker 2: She's worked at least eight jobs that I know of

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Speaker 2: in the last two years, so I can't really trust

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Speaker 2: that she'll be able to get her life together and

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Speaker 2: move out quickly. I know that sounds terrible. My that

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Speaker 2: doesn't sound terrible. That sounds very reasonable. Yeah, I don't

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Speaker 2: have to let her in. Yeah, my last roommate situation

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Speaker 2: was a nightmare, and I really don't want to ruin

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Speaker 2: another friendship by being roommates. But I feel like saying

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Speaker 2: no now will also ruin the friendship. Please give me

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Speaker 2: some advice. I should look out for myself and tell

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Speaker 2: her no to move a in.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: There are some comments, but what would your answer be if.

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Speaker 4: This was my best friend, I'm letting the move in.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: If this was my best friend and I was like,

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Speaker 4: she's going to a shelter, yeah, or she needs a

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Speaker 4: space to say moving in. Yeah, However, I would be

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Speaker 4: putting up a lot of boundaries and being like, okay,

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Speaker 4: but yeah, let's like figure this out because obviously I

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Speaker 4: don't have the space, or I'm not allowed to have

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Speaker 4: you here long term.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, I would have that whole conversation. I don't

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Speaker 4: know how close so Pe is to this friend, right.

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Speaker 4: I didn't saying the best friends. I just said like,

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Speaker 4: this is my friend, she's in this kind of difficult situation.

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Speaker 4: She assumed she could come here.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So it doesn't sound like op's necessarily close enough to

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Speaker 4: just be like, yeah, of course of course she can

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Speaker 4: come here.

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Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, I totally agree. I would definitely understand why

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Speaker 2: you would say no to having her move in. Maybe

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Speaker 2: look at other options first. Yeah.

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Speaker 4: I just think like, if they're not that close then yet,

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Speaker 4: I mean, if you don't want to move in, you

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Speaker 4: don't have to have her move in.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And also you might not be able to like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: that has an excuse and there are some comments, though

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Speaker 2: comment number one says you have to stand up for

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Speaker 2: yourself here. She didn't ask you for permission to come,

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Speaker 2: but she figured that if the judge had already signed

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Speaker 2: off on it, she could pressure you into agreeing. That's

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Speaker 2: not how you treat a friend that's walking all over you,

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Speaker 2: and she's not even there yet. If you allow her

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Speaker 2: to stay with you, she will continue to walk on you.

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Speaker 2: She doesn't care what the rules of your lease are

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Speaker 2: or what consequences you might face if you let her stay.

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Speaker 2: It's up to you to lay down the law. Help

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Speaker 2: her look for a place to stay, but remember that

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Speaker 2: it's not your job. If she doesn't find a place,

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Speaker 2: that doesn't mean that she can just fall back on you.

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Speaker 2: She's in the position that she's in due to a

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Speaker 2: series of choices that she has made. None of this

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Speaker 2: is your fault. Tell her point blank, you'll get evicted

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Speaker 2: if you accept guests, and it's not a risk you're

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Speaker 2: willing to take. If she still tries to pressure you,

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Speaker 2: you know that she's just using you. Personally, I'd be

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Speaker 2: hesitant to even let her visit my apartment during the day.

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Speaker 2: You don't want her dropping off the baby, or showing

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Speaker 2: up and trying to stay anyway. Oh, he responds, you

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Speaker 2: are one hundred percent right. When she went into court,

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Speaker 2: the plan was Florida. Then she came out saying my state,

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Speaker 2: and I'm just dumbfounded. Couldn't really react in the moment,

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Speaker 2: and she took advantage of me. She also smokes, which

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Speaker 2: it's against the lease to do so inside or in

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Speaker 2: the breezeways. I live on the top story and everyone

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Speaker 2: here has doorbell cameras. Only a matter of time before

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Speaker 2: they notice that she's going out fifty teen times a day.

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Speaker 2: And who's gonna watch the baby while she's smoking. It's

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Speaker 2: just a bunch of bs that I don't want to

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Speaker 2: deal with since I'm constantly devoiding. I'm just going to

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Speaker 2: lie Monday and say that I got in trouble for

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Speaker 2: my boyfriend being here too much and I can't take

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Speaker 2: the risk of moving someone in. I know she's going

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Speaker 2: to have a fit. I'm not going to call her either,

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Speaker 2: just text. That's also how she pressured me. She called

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Speaker 2: me and put me on the spot. She doesn't sound

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Speaker 2: like a very good friend. Yeah, like not at all.

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Speaker 4: I'm sure she's thinking about her baby and she's like,

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Speaker 4: I can't really be a good friend because I just

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Speaker 4: have to get my baby somewhere. Who cares if I'm

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Speaker 4: like using people?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 4: But she doesn't sound like a great friend to you,

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Speaker 4: So I think, yeah, help her find other options, but

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Speaker 4: don't you know, give her your place.

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Speaker 2: I agree with texting, you can think out your response,

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Speaker 2: but phone calls are harder for me, and I'm just

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Speaker 2: going to turn off my phone if needed. For some reason,

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Speaker 2: I have the gut feeling that she won't accept me

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Speaker 2: helping her look for other places, and if that's the case,

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Speaker 2: so be it. I was talking to my boyfriend and realized,

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Speaker 2: if I have to choose my apartment I worked hard

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Speaker 2: to get or a crappy friendship, I would choose my

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Speaker 2: apartment and it's got the guts and told her no,

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Speaker 2: I can't risk it. Instead of lying, we'll see how

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Speaker 2: she responds. That's a good way to do it. You

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Speaker 2: don't need to lie.

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Speaker 4: I agree, she's your friend. If you need to lie

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Speaker 4: to your friend, then you're not really friends.

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Speaker 2: Yeah right, so yeah, exactly, and there is an UPDATEO. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I see what she responds, let's see. Unfortunately, this isn't

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Speaker 2: a good update. And I'm looking for advice. Oh I

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Speaker 2: set a clear boundary after posting, I texted Emma on

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Speaker 2: Sunday ten seventeen and said, Hey, sorry, but you moving

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Speaker 2: in isn't a good idea. It's too much of a

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Speaker 2: risk for me losing my apartment. I was put on

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Speaker 2: the spot because before you went a court, we were

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Speaker 2: talking about you going to Florida. Then when you called

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Speaker 2: me after you told me the judge agreed to my state,

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Speaker 2: I don't feel like we really discussed it before you

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Speaker 2: told the judge. I'm here to help you find resources

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Speaker 2: in my state if you still want to move here.

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Speaker 2: There's a DV shelter in town that will allow moms

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Speaker 2: and kids to have their own rooms. I feel terrible,

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Speaker 2: but it's too much of a risk for me to take.

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Speaker 2: Three years ago, I was homeless. I can't risk losing

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Speaker 2: my home. She responded, it's okay, I understand, and yeah,

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Speaker 2: it was a rushed idea, and planed sorry about that.

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Speaker 2: Shelters are not an option though, I will lose my kid,

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Speaker 2: so I'll really need to find a place. I didn't respond.

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Speaker 2: I thought we'd clearly determined that she wouldn't be staying

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Speaker 2: with me she lied in court anyway. She snapchatted me

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Speaker 2: Monday asking to send screenshots of our conversations about ED,

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Speaker 2: and I said it was fine. Snapchat notifies when someone screenshots,

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Speaker 2: but she never took them. And yesterday on Friday, Emma

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Speaker 2: called me and I didn't answer. I knew she had

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Speaker 2: court on Thursday. Then she texted, Hey, so I have

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Speaker 2: a place to go to in your state. However, since

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Speaker 2: you were mentioned and put down first, I can't change

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Speaker 2: that information without it being put against me. So I

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Speaker 2: need you to play it off for me that we

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Speaker 2: will still be staying with you, and if need be,

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Speaker 2: you have a brother named Steve who we can also

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Speaker 2: stay with. Steve is another good friend of mine in

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Speaker 2: North Carolina who we will be staying with. Dang Man.

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Speaker 4: On the one hand, I don't know if you've seen

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Speaker 4: the show called The Maid, and it's about this mom

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Speaker 4: who's basically homeless. She's escaping this not great situation with

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Speaker 4: her ex taking her daughter and like trying to keep

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Speaker 4: custody of her daughter, and so on the one hand,

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Speaker 4: I'm like, I totally I don't understand, but I know

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Speaker 4: because I've never experienced it. But I feel for this

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Speaker 4: mother who is trying to do anything she can to

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Speaker 4: keep her daughter. However, it is a lot to put

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Speaker 4: ope in this kind of just trail of lies, Yeah,

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Speaker 4: with like a court of law, Like she's asking op

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Speaker 4: to lie to the judge.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because then it's the whole guilt thing, like if

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Speaker 2: now I will have to give up my daughter if

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Speaker 2: you don't agree to this, Yeah, because I already said

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Speaker 2: that you would, and it wasn't even like would you

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Speaker 2: be okay doing this? Always? I need you to do this, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: like this is what's happening.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's doesn't feel like a very good friend, right.

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Speaker 2: Her second text, you're the only person I can use

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Speaker 2: as a witness per se in court, And they basically

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Speaker 2: just want to hear from someone that isn't me that

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Speaker 2: I won't be homeless going down there. Call me as

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Speaker 2: soon as you can please. So I guess she lied

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Speaker 2: in Core on Thursday and so that she could come

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Speaker 2: to my place. I've I made a crystal clear on

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Speaker 2: Sunday that she couldn't come here. I refused to commit perjury,

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Speaker 2: so I responded, Emma, I can't lie to a judge

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Speaker 2: like that. A simple search can prove my siblings' names.

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Speaker 2: I don't know what could be held against me if

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Speaker 2: they found out that I lied. I've never lied in

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Speaker 2: court in my own personal legal situations, and I just

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Speaker 2: can't in any situation. It's too much of a risk.

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Speaker 2: Say my least won't to prove you, because that's the

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Speaker 2: whole reason why you couldn't come here. And she continued

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Speaker 2: trying to talk to me into lying in court. On

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Speaker 2: video call, she said I could just tell them that

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Speaker 2: she's coming to my place and we'd go to Steve's

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Speaker 2: if I get evicted. I insisted, no, I will lie

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Speaker 2: in court.

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Speaker 4: And go to Steve's if we get evicted. She's like, yeah,

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Speaker 4: if you get evicted about just Smith?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Like what? No, No, and that I was pressured

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Speaker 2: into this. She insisted that she didn't pressure me, and

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Speaker 2: that I offered BS and that she loves me. That

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Speaker 2: really pissed me off. So one of my texts back concluded,

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Speaker 2: so you want me at your risk being evicted and

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Speaker 2: getting into legal trouble for you? No, don't say you

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Speaker 2: love me. That's not what friends do to each other.

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Speaker 2: I would never expect you to risk your stability or

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Speaker 2: legal trouble for me. Then, I blocked her. I need advice.

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Speaker 2: Since she lied to the judge on Thursday, I'm worried

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Speaker 2: that she's going to have someone else do the video

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Speaker 2: call and pretend to be me. I'm wondering what I

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Speaker 2: should do, if anything at all.

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Speaker 4: As not a lawyer, right, Like you've already said no, yea.

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Speaker 4: If a judge asks you directly, obviously don't lie. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: but I feel like you'd be fine just blocking her.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I feel like if someone pretended to be you.

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Speaker 4: And then they followed up and like came to your

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Speaker 4: house and was like did you do this and you're

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Speaker 4: like nope.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I feel like that would be figured out,

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Speaker 2: especially if it's video call, Like you obviously won't look

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Speaker 2: the same. Like it's basically identity fraud that they're committing.

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Speaker 4: And case she gets into way more trouble. Yeah, but

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Speaker 4: it's not you getting into trouble.

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Speaker 2: Right, Save these texts if you haven't deleted them, screenshot them,

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Speaker 2: all of that stuff so you have the proof. But yeah,

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Speaker 2: I feel like it'll come out in the wash if

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Speaker 2: she she tries to do.

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Speaker 4: That personally, don't think you should go out of your

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Speaker 4: way to like go yeah and show them all this

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Speaker 4: information right now when they haven't asked exactly.

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Speaker 2: There's a little bit more into the story. My concern

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Speaker 2: if she has someone pretend to be me and gets

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Speaker 2: permission to come here, what happens if she doesn't do

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Speaker 2: what she's supposed to and gets in trouble. They'll look

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Speaker 2: for her at my address, and when I say, wait, no,

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Speaker 2: she's not here, they'll say, well, you testified in court

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Speaker 2: that she is. I don't know what legal trouble that

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Speaker 2: that would cause for me.

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Speaker 4: You would just say no, I didn't, Yeah, that's not me,

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Speaker 4: and you say where's your Yeah, I was there, yeah,

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Speaker 4: And they say, oh, well we have this video call

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Speaker 4: of you, and you go, that's clearly not me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I feel like, OPI I think you'll be fun. Like

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Speaker 2: I think you're maybe just scared in this situation. You

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Speaker 2: don't want the worst happen to you, But I really

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Speaker 2: don't think that's what's gonna happen.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you've done your part.

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Speaker 1: You're good. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Because also, like even if you testified in court that

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Speaker 2: she is supposed to like be there and like live

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Speaker 2: with you, and she's just not there at that moment,

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Speaker 2: then like that's not on you even that. Yeah, so

291
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Speaker 2: I'm also concerned that she would get charged with perjury

292
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Speaker 2: if I report that she said that she couldn't come

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Speaker 2: here after I made it clear that she couldn't. But ultimately,

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Speaker 2: her lying on Thursday proves to me that she's willing

295
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Speaker 2: to continue lying in court and I need to protect myself.

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Speaker 2: Any advice is really appreciated. Obviously, I need to keep

297
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Speaker 2: her blocked everywhere. Should I also contact her local clerk

298
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Speaker 2: or court and edit? Sorry for any confusion, but I

299
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Speaker 2: don't know who Steve is. It's someone else that she

300
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Speaker 2: found to move in with in my state. Apparently he's

301
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Speaker 2: not my brother or anyone I know. Oh I thought

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Speaker 2: you said that he was. Yeah, he literally friend. He

303
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Speaker 2: was a friend he still used. Unfortunately, I can't notify

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Speaker 2: them of the situation, and there are some comments coming.

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Speaker 2: Number one says, I'm not a lawyer, but someone impersonating

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Speaker 2: you on a video call should be easily provable.

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Speaker 4: Yeah that's what.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, I wouldn't worry about this as you have

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Speaker 2: told her that she can't stay with you and haven't

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Speaker 2: testified that she can't. You also have evidence of her

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Speaker 2: trying to coerce you and you are denying it. I

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Speaker 2: know you're covered. Ope, he says, thank you so much

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Speaker 2: for this info. I was wondering if any documents would

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Speaker 2: be required to appear in court a video call. She

315
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Speaker 2: definitely doesn't have a copy of my driver's license, so

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Speaker 2: that will almost be impossible for her to do. Common

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Speaker 2: Number two says, unwanted roommates suck. She has problems, don't

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Speaker 2: let her inflict them on you. If it costs you

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Speaker 2: a friend like that, it's an extremely low cost to

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Speaker 2: keep your sanity. I don't care how great she was

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Speaker 2: in the past. She's got a messed up life now

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Speaker 2: and I wouldn't want any part of it. OPI responds.

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Speaker 2: A lawyer will help you navigate the situation. Each jurisdiction

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Speaker 2: slash state will have its own rules governing the situation.

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Speaker 2: Only a lawyer will know how to use those rules

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Speaker 2: to best protect you without totally blowing up your friend's life.

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Speaker 2: If that's a factor from your perspective.

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Speaker 4: My friend changed for the worst, so I quiet quit

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Speaker 4: our friendship.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, just get out of there.

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Speaker 4: For context, we are both attracted to the same gender,

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Speaker 4: it matters, and had a really strong friend group of

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Speaker 4: six a few years ago as attracted to the same

334
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Speaker 4: gender people. Your friend group really is your chosen family.

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Speaker 4: We've had bumps in the road before, but we've worked

336
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Speaker 4: through them. Fast forward a few years, and as seems

337
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,079
Speaker 4: common among friend as they age, we started hanging out

338
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Speaker 4: less because people got busy with relationships, work, et cetera.

339
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Speaker 4: I never had any issue with it because I felt

340
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Speaker 4: like this was my family and I knew that I

341
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Speaker 4: could go to them for anything, anytime, no matter what.

342
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Speaker 4: By the way, this comes from Banjo seventy four oh

343
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Speaker 4: five and if you want to spit your own stories,

344
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,080
Speaker 4: go to the r slash. Okay, storytime suppered it. So

345
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,680
Speaker 4: our friend group was the type to go out on weekends,

346
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Speaker 4: get a little too crazy, then recover on Sundays together

347
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,400
Speaker 4: with food and movies all day. We did a lot

348
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Speaker 4: more than just that chill nights in, running errands together,

349
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Speaker 4: going on trips. Heck, I even had this friend, we'll

350
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Speaker 4: call him Danny, come over to my family's Thanksgiving when

351
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,440
Speaker 4: his family all got the bid. As our friend group

352
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,160
Speaker 4: slowed down how much we were going out, Danny started

353
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Speaker 4: getting involved with another friend group, a rival friend group. No,

354
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,160
Speaker 4: I don't know how else to say it. But I

355
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,360
Speaker 4: generally do not enjoy being around these people. I really tried.

356
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Speaker 4: Several times I would join in with them, et cetera.

357
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Speaker 4: They just seem like your classic mean girl types of

358
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,760
Speaker 4: attracted the same genders, going to the bars, being rude

359
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,240
Speaker 4: to people they didn't find attractive, talking badly about people,

360
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,400
Speaker 4: making sure all the fun parts of their night ended

361
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,600
Speaker 4: up on social media. I tried to get to know

362
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,520
Speaker 4: them in several different settings, and they just didn't seem

363
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:17,440
Speaker 4: too interested in having me around either. Fine, not the

364
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:21,080
Speaker 4: end of the world. However, slowly but surely, my friend

365
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,040
Speaker 4: seemed as though he was becoming more like them, saying

366
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Speaker 4: things about people and treating people in ways I feel

367
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,160
Speaker 4: like he never would have before. This was the primary concern.

368
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,600
Speaker 4: Over the following months, it seemed like Danny was starting

369
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,120
Speaker 4: to consider me an afterthought. I texted him to see

370
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,480
Speaker 4: what his plans were, and he would respond hours later,

371
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Speaker 4: also unlike him saying oh, we're on at X bug,

372
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Speaker 4: you can come if you want, like excuse me, I

373
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Speaker 4: can go wherever I want, as far as the bars go.

374
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Speaker 4: But it was situations like that over and over of

375
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,680
Speaker 4: me initiating in him, always making me feel like I

376
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,200
Speaker 4: was just that friend you don't really want around, but

377
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,440
Speaker 4: you invite because you feel like you kind of have to.

378
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,880
Speaker 4: One night, I was at the bars and I went

379
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,280
Speaker 4: a little too far with my drinking and Danny had

380
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Speaker 4: to get me home.

381
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:03,720
Speaker 2: Is that okay?

382
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,360
Speaker 4: No, not really. It's something we've all done for each

383
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,720
Speaker 4: other over the years, and unfortunately at the time, our

384
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,520
Speaker 4: mindset was kind of like, well, it happens sometimes, eat

385
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,440
Speaker 4: more before we go out next time. We've matured since then,

386
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,880
Speaker 4: I have heavy drinking in my family and there have

387
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,480
Speaker 4: been some wake up calls since then. A few days later,

388
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,680
Speaker 4: another weird invite situation happened and I was starting to

389
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:26,160
Speaker 4: lose patience. I texted him and said, Hey, I'm not

390
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,680
Speaker 4: really sure what's changed, but it feels like you really

391
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,080
Speaker 4: don't want to hang out with me anymore.

392
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Speaker 2: Can we talk soon?

393
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,000
Speaker 4: He said sure, Well, okay, we're about to crack this

394
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:35,040
Speaker 4: case wide open.

395
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:35,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess.

396
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,280
Speaker 4: So we get on FaceTime and he says, I actually

397
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,920
Speaker 4: need to tell you something first. I'm not okay with

398
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,120
Speaker 4: you drinking like that anymore, and I don't want to

399
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,800
Speaker 4: have to take care of you. In the course of

400
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,480
Speaker 4: the conversation, he did call me a heavy drinker, which,

401
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,040
Speaker 4: reflecting back from over a year later, I can say

402
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,720
Speaker 4: it was a little harsh. It scared me. I took

403
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,040
Speaker 4: a month off drinking completely, and I've made a lot

404
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,400
Speaker 4: of positive changes since all that To say, that entire

405
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,440
Speaker 4: conversation was about that. And when he was done, he

406
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,720
Speaker 4: was like, okay, well I'm here for you anyway, I

407
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,280
Speaker 4: have to go okay. So I mean it was seemingly

408
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,840
Speaker 4: somewhat helpful of a conversation. I guess it's just not

409
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,120
Speaker 4: what Opie wanted to talk about, right, And we never

410
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:16,000
Speaker 4: got to talk about the reason I initiated our conversation.

411
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,920
Speaker 4: I was still left in the dark, thinking, well, this

412
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,080
Speaker 4: must have been it for why it feels like you

413
00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:23,159
Speaker 4: don't want to hang out with me. But there's a gap.

414
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,800
Speaker 4: We hung out sober all the time, so it couldn't

415
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,960
Speaker 4: just beat that. After that, our relationship was pretty obviously strained.

416
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,800
Speaker 4: I started going crazy thinking about where I may be

417
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,840
Speaker 4: causing issues myself. Was I being controlling or possessive or

418
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,480
Speaker 4: jealous that he'd found new friends? Honestly, I thought this

419
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,919
Speaker 4: theory had some weight for a bit until I started

420
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,960
Speaker 4: hearing some of the things coming out of his mouth

421
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,520
Speaker 4: about other people. One of the comments he made was

422
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,000
Speaker 4: about a man who was stringing him along romantically, and

423
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,720
Speaker 4: he said, James isn't tall enough to be acting like that.

424
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:57,199
Speaker 4: Come on, guys, my friend would have never said that

425
00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:01,280
Speaker 4: about someone months before. Ever, I tell my friend was changing,

426
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,359
Speaker 4: influenced by these people in ways that I didn't like,

427
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,639
Speaker 4: and more importantly, in ways that I don't think he

428
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,320
Speaker 4: would like if he took a step back. Months later,

429
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:11,560
Speaker 4: he saw me out with some coworkers with an adult

430
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,480
Speaker 4: soda in my hand and said, Wow, I'm really proud

431
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,400
Speaker 4: of how you've been able to safely reintegrate drinking into

432
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,800
Speaker 4: your life. And it just made me so upset because

433
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,120
Speaker 4: he wasn't there for me during that time of reflection

434
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,800
Speaker 4: and self discovery at all. For all he knew, I

435
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,200
Speaker 4: had just blacked out the night before, he didn't know

436
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,119
Speaker 4: at all, And it felt as though he was happy

437
00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:32,280
Speaker 4: for me in that particular moment because I seemed fine,

438
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,359
Speaker 4: and I truly believed he was patting himself on the

439
00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:37,280
Speaker 4: back a little bit for being the one that called

440
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,320
Speaker 4: it out. It just felt so assuming and weirdly violating.

441
00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:42,720
Speaker 4: At the same time, I moved apartments and ended up

442
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,320
Speaker 4: being much much closer to him. I was twelve minutes

443
00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:48,080
Speaker 4: away before and now lived in the same complex, and

444
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,680
Speaker 4: all of a sudden he wanted to hang out more.

445
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:54,720
Speaker 4: Who knew twelve minutes was in eternity. Given everything above,

446
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,919
Speaker 4: it felt like it was just becoming a friendship of

447
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:01,160
Speaker 4: convenience or loneliness. Wait, so you were twelve minutes away

448
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,760
Speaker 4: before and now, Okay, I will say, like I do

449
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,040
Speaker 4: think there are deeper problems in this friendship. I will

450
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,960
Speaker 4: say the friends that are very close to me versus

451
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,520
Speaker 4: I think it's a little bit different in La But

452
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,680
Speaker 4: like when you're in like a big city that's walkable,

453
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,560
Speaker 4: I feel like, yeah, twelve minutes versus same complex is

454
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,560
Speaker 4: a big deal. When you're an adult, you know, you

455
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,240
Speaker 4: do end up seeing those people way more just because

456
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:26,959
Speaker 4: of proximity.

457
00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:29,119
Speaker 2: That makes sense, Yeah, because I mean, like twelve minutes

458
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,760
Speaker 2: isn't that much. But obviously, like when you're in the

459
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,680
Speaker 2: same complex, it's like, oh hey, like stop over really quick.

460
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,800
Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be like a commitment, you know.

461
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,920
Speaker 4: Like I obviously see Riley way more than I see

462
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,720
Speaker 4: a lot of my Like, you know, I think I'm

463
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,959
Speaker 4: very intentional about seeing my friends. But I also know

464
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,360
Speaker 4: a lot of people who have trouble with that, right

465
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,439
Speaker 4: when you're like trying to do work, and you know,

466
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,760
Speaker 4: if you're in relationship, like all of that stuff compared stuff,

467
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,160
Speaker 4: Does it mean that you guys don't have a problem

468
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,000
Speaker 4: in your friendship?

469
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:57,680
Speaker 2: Yeah?

470
00:19:58,119 --> 00:19:59,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, but twelve.

471
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,199
Speaker 4: Minutes can be a lot for some people, you know.

472
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,200
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.

473
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,520
Speaker 4: When we would get together or even talk on the phone,

474
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:09,000
Speaker 4: every single conversation always seemed to revolve around him. I

475
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,879
Speaker 4: was going for a huge promotion. Career talks were always

476
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,919
Speaker 4: a huge part of our relationship since we have similar

477
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,480
Speaker 4: career mindsets and are in similar fields, and he didn't

478
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,160
Speaker 4: seem to care at all. Every conversation would start off

479
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:23,320
Speaker 4: being about him. He'd talk for sometimes twenty to thirty

480
00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:26,159
Speaker 4: minutes straight about himself. He'd then pause and say, so,

481
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,040
Speaker 4: how are you look at his text messages?

482
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:28,560
Speaker 1: While I was.

483
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,919
Speaker 4: Answering, give response like oh wow, that's crazy, and then

484
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,520
Speaker 4: change the subject back to himself. That you aren't friends anymore,

485
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,280
Speaker 4: And I think unless you're willing to have that conversation

486
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:41,800
Speaker 4: again that you wanted to have, right, I think it's

487
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,119
Speaker 4: just time to like, when people aren't giving you the

488
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:46,359
Speaker 4: same energy and it's consistent.

489
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:47,440
Speaker 2: Just take a step back.

490
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,200
Speaker 4: It's not about you but by Yeah, and maybe it's

491
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,600
Speaker 4: not even personal. Maybe they just don't have time and

492
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,360
Speaker 4: they're putting their time elsewhere. Right for whatever reason, they

493
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,879
Speaker 4: can't give you or don't want to give you that

494
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,760
Speaker 4: time and don't invest in a place where it's not wanted.

495
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, or being reallypricated. You guys are just growing apart. Yeah,

496
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:10,000
Speaker 2: you are, and it sucks. Yeah, it happens. You're growing

497
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:14,440
Speaker 2: towards different people and different values and stuff. And he's

498
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,240
Speaker 2: not being a good friend all.

499
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,800
Speaker 4: The while I'm still the person he's facetiming crying at

500
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,400
Speaker 4: two am while he's wasted walking home from a bar

501
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,480
Speaker 4: over the same boy, over and over and over and over.

502
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,600
Speaker 4: The friendship just more and more felt like I was

503
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,879
Speaker 4: giving and he was receiving the balance. Felt like our

504
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,080
Speaker 4: friendship was ninety nine percent about him and one percent

505
00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:34,359
Speaker 4: about me. Right after we had both moved into our

506
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,560
Speaker 4: current apartment complex, he had the idea that we should

507
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,800
Speaker 4: throw a housewarming party.

508
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:39,520
Speaker 1: I agreed.

509
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,879
Speaker 4: He sat on my couch and started planning while I

510
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,040
Speaker 4: was meal prepping for the week. Well, he made the

511
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 4: entire guest list without asking for any input. I said, well,

512
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,159
Speaker 4: did you invite X? Did you invite why? And that

513
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,000
Speaker 4: was about the only contributions of mine he accepted. I

514
00:21:53,119 --> 00:21:55,239
Speaker 4: checked our party full about a week later, and all

515
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,320
Speaker 4: of a sudden, he decided on an entire theme as well.

516
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,640
Speaker 4: The week of the party, I offered to help gets

517
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,359
Speaker 4: naxt et cetera. He'd already gotten all the decorations for

518
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:07,159
Speaker 4: the theme he invented without any input, both before and

519
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,600
Speaker 4: after the party. I offered to send him money for it,

520
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,600
Speaker 4: which he just ignored. Night of the party, he treats

521
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,920
Speaker 4: me like he hired me to help or something, as

522
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,080
Speaker 4: me running up and downstairs to get things like tape, wine, opener,

523
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:22,320
Speaker 4: et cetera while he's entertaining. And who was invited? You

524
00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:25,119
Speaker 4: guessed it this group of friends that does not like me,

525
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,040
Speaker 4: and at this point vice versa. So I left. I

526
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:30,359
Speaker 4: left quietly. I didn't make a scene, there was no

527
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,240
Speaker 4: point in doing that. But it wasn't our party, it

528
00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:35,800
Speaker 4: was his party, and he knew that. He texted me

529
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 4: to ask where I went, and I said, I'm sorry,

530
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,840
Speaker 4: this is not our party, this is your party, and

531
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,640
Speaker 4: I'm not comfortable with those people, so I left quietly

532
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,720
Speaker 4: so as not to make a scene. He texted back,

533
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,480
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, sad face, and that was it. So I

534
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:52,040
Speaker 4: started to pull back. Good, this is what you do. Yeah,

535
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,640
Speaker 4: it sucks, but it's like there are people out there

536
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:58,440
Speaker 4: who want to be your friends and want to reciprocate. Yeah,

537
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,720
Speaker 4: the love and affection and time an effort that you're

538
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,600
Speaker 4: putting into those friendships.

539
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:05,080
Speaker 2: Exactly, and it just takes time to find them. Yeah.

540
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,320
Speaker 4: In past conflicts between this particular friend and other members

541
00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:10,359
Speaker 4: of our original friend group, where I was off an

542
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:14,080
Speaker 4: a mediator, he's been particularly stubborn. He has said that

543
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:15,680
Speaker 4: people should have to come to him if they want

544
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:16,399
Speaker 4: him in his life.

545
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 2: So that's not how it works.

546
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:19,679
Speaker 4: You're not the queen.

547
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:23,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a mutual effort, right. People aren't just gonna

548
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,240
Speaker 2: come to you if they want you in their life.

549
00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:28,359
Speaker 2: It's not clear that you want them in your life.

550
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,879
Speaker 4: He has a really hard time seeing things through the

551
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 4: eyes of other people. Until something really drastic happens that,

552
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,960
Speaker 4: coupled with everything that had been happening, made me feel

553
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,919
Speaker 4: like any effort to talk to him would just be

554
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,159
Speaker 4: pointless and frustrating. Looking back, This is probably where the

555
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:45,080
Speaker 4: adult thing would have been to just have the conversation.

556
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,919
Speaker 4: But at this point it was exhausting me. It was

557
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,520
Speaker 4: causing me anxiety, and I just felt like the only

558
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,639
Speaker 4: thing I could do to protect my piece was to

559
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,479
Speaker 4: slowly back out of the friendship. I honestly think there

560
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,920
Speaker 4: are times where you should have a conversation. Like if

561
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,560
Speaker 4: I had a problem with one of my US friends

562
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:04,240
Speaker 4: and like something they did irked me, I would go

563
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,440
Speaker 4: talk to them. I would say, hey, I didn't really

564
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,199
Speaker 4: like when he did that thing. We'd hash it out, makeup.

565
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:13,040
Speaker 4: I think that if you had wanted to address this,

566
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,080
Speaker 4: should have done it when you first noticed these things.

567
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,480
Speaker 4: You should have been like, hey, I didn't really like

568
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:19,440
Speaker 4: how you said that thing.

569
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:20,280
Speaker 2: That was kind of rude.

570
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 1: Yeah.

571
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,639
Speaker 4: I think at this point it's not your fault. But

572
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,200
Speaker 4: at this point it's like a conversation is not going.

573
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,479
Speaker 2: To do anything. Really.

574
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,720
Speaker 4: I mean, yeah, sometimes it can, but.

575
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,000
Speaker 2: Like, yeah, well, because I mean they try to have

576
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,360
Speaker 2: that conversa yeah, and it didn't work.

577
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 4: So at this point I think sometimes quietly backing out

578
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,200
Speaker 4: of friendship is just you just stop reciprocating and they

579
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:43,160
Speaker 4: realize oh ohp he was putting in all the effort, right, Yeah, then.

580
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 2: I think that's a great choice. Yeah, go ahead.

581
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 4: He'd ask to hang out on a Saturday morning, and

582
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,040
Speaker 4: I'd explain I was meal prepping or doing errands and

583
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,280
Speaker 4: he was welcome to join, and I'd make him coffee,

584
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,639
Speaker 4: and he would change his mind about hanging out. He

585
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,880
Speaker 4: stopped inviting me to things, and I stopped inviting him. Slowly,

586
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,800
Speaker 4: our friendship just fell away to nothing. I unfollowed him

587
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,200
Speaker 4: on social media, not to be petty, but because every

588
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 4: time I saw his posts and him doing things, it

589
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,000
Speaker 4: just made me sad. Around Thanksgiving, one of our original

590
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,720
Speaker 4: friend group friends, we'll call him Frank, was coming into town.

591
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,800
Speaker 4: He'd moved halfway across the country since the old days,

592
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,520
Speaker 4: and so I was prepared to put on a happy face,

593
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,760
Speaker 4: play nice and be around Danny. We did that night

594
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:23,400
Speaker 4: was mostly fine. Then at two am, Danny wasted him.

595
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:23,679
Speaker 1: Not me.

596
00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:26,960
Speaker 4: My drinking is slowed wait way down, says, I know

597
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 4: we're not good right now, but whenever you're ready to talk,

598
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 4: so am I never.

599
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,320
Speaker 2: I don't't to have any things to say. Yeah, it's like,

600
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,200
Speaker 2: whoa he massed that chance. It's hard because he's bringing

601
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,280
Speaker 2: up talking about it kind of seems like maybe he

602
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:44,200
Speaker 2: does want to savage things, but he just doesn't understand

603
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,920
Speaker 2: like what he's doing. You know, it's not just a conversation.

604
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,760
Speaker 4: But I also think that even in saying that, I

605
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 4: know we're not good right now, but whenever you're ready

606
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:55,240
Speaker 4: to talk, so am I Yeah. I think for some

607
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:57,080
Speaker 4: people it'd be like, oh, that's really nice. But I

608
00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,800
Speaker 4: feel like, because we know his character, yeah, it feels

609
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,480
Speaker 4: like come to me and do it right. He's not like, hey,

610
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,560
Speaker 4: can we talk? Yeah, like, hey, I want to talk

611
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:08,400
Speaker 4: about this. I want to fix this. It's like, okay,

612
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:09,919
Speaker 4: when you're you know, come to me.

613
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,119
Speaker 2: Yeah. Interesting.

614
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 4: I was flabbergasted, but also pretty annoyed. The high road

615
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,040
Speaker 4: would have been to take the opportunity, but I was

616
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 4: just so mad that the only time he had the

617
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,760
Speaker 4: nerve to say anything to me was wasted. At two am,

618
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:25,040
Speaker 4: I told him it wasn't the time. At Christmas, same situation,

619
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,679
Speaker 4: Frank in Town, we see Danny at the bar with

620
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,440
Speaker 4: his friends. I said something to him and excited hello

621
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 4: kind of thing, and he looked me in the eyes

622
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,119
Speaker 4: and turned away. For me, that was the straw that

623
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,919
Speaker 4: broke the camel's back. In that moment, our friendship was

624
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,480
Speaker 4: long gone with no chance of things coming back. In

625
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 4: my mind. Cut to this week, I get a text

626
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,360
Speaker 4: message from another friend in the original friend group we'll

627
00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 4: go with Sean, that says, guess who I just had

628
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 4: coffee with. Immediately, I knew Sean was really impressed by

629
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 4: how remorseful our friend was. He had basically burned us

630
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,520
Speaker 4: all in different ways over the year and cut out

631
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,280
Speaker 4: and been cut out by all of us individually, and Sean,

632
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 4: in my experience with him, was not the type to

633
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:07,240
Speaker 4: easily forgive or trust that someone's actually sorry. I was shocked.

634
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,439
Speaker 4: Sean said that they talked about me and that he

635
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 4: was very sorry and knew he needed to talk to me,

636
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,840
Speaker 4: but didn't have the courage to send the text message

637
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,879
Speaker 4: to ask to get coffee or whatever. Sean agreed that

638
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:20,920
Speaker 4: he would text me about the situation first. Honestly, I'd

639
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,120
Speaker 4: be like, thanks for passing that over Sean. Whenever he's

640
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,520
Speaker 4: ready to text me, We'll see how I feel about it,

641
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 4: But like, don't don't again. It feels like he wants

642
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,480
Speaker 4: you to reach out first exactly.

643
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:35,119
Speaker 2: It's like, I'm just not interested in putting in that

644
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,960
Speaker 2: effort to the friendship anymore. Yeah, that's all.

645
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 4: I understand not having the courage, but after all of

646
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 4: this where communication has been the issue on both sides

647
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,080
Speaker 4: at times, to be fair, and using Sean to warm

648
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,680
Speaker 4: me up essentially really got on my nerves. Yet again, however,

649
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,520
Speaker 4: I get it. These conversations are hard, and as the

650
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 4: person who was off and the mediator in our group,

651
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,760
Speaker 4: I do think it's hard to have conflict with me

652
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,439
Speaker 4: because I was usually the one coaching these guys on

653
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:03,159
Speaker 4: how to have hard conversations. Use, I think, I feel

654
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:07,119
Speaker 4: statements instead of accusatory ones. Don't make assumptions about what

655
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:11,800
Speaker 4: motivated someone's actions. Use specific examples, like when you did this,

656
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,359
Speaker 4: it made me feel this way, whether or not that

657
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,160
Speaker 4: was the intent. I think that intimidates him a little bit,

658
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,680
Speaker 4: and I can understand that. So here's where I am

659
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,439
Speaker 4: read it. It's been two days since Sean and Danny

660
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 4: had coffee and I still haven't heard from him. I

661
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,800
Speaker 4: have so many mixed feelings about the situation, but deep

662
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:31,040
Speaker 4: down I feel like the conversation would be good regardless

663
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:31,880
Speaker 4: of how it results.

664
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:32,840
Speaker 2: I've had a lot of.

665
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:36,480
Speaker 4: Pent up anger over the situation, as well as extreme sadness.

666
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,080
Speaker 4: This has hit me harder than any relationship breakup in

667
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:41,720
Speaker 4: my adult life, and I feel like the conversation would

668
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 4: give me closure. My current plan, should he reach out,

669
00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:46,800
Speaker 4: is to agree to the conversation. I want to start

670
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:48,680
Speaker 4: it off by saying that I'm not there to just

671
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:50,920
Speaker 4: dunk on him. I want to have an open and

672
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:54,080
Speaker 4: honest conversation about how we both experienced the last year,

673
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 4: take accountability for the quiet quitting, and not starting conversations sooner.

674
00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:00,600
Speaker 4: This may not be right, but I I don't actually

675
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 4: regret my decisions around pulling back, but I do feel

676
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,840
Speaker 4: like I need to apologize because it was probably hurtful

677
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,600
Speaker 4: and or confusing for him at the time.

678
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 2: Again, I really don't think it's your problem.

679
00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 4: I think it's really sweet that you care. But I

680
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 4: feel like that's just like your personality seems to be like, oh,

681
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:18,760
Speaker 4: I gotta make things right, I gotta do the emotional

682
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:19,440
Speaker 4: lifting again.

683
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 1: Right.

684
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,479
Speaker 2: But yeah, Like if he was confused by it, then

685
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:24,680
Speaker 2: it's like that's yeah.

686
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 4: Then he should have reached out.

687
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,720
Speaker 2: He could have texted you, right right.

688
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:29,600
Speaker 4: I don't know you like unfollowed him, but you didn't

689
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:32,960
Speaker 4: block him. He could have texted, you could have reached out.

690
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 4: I also want to say out of the gate that

691
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,520
Speaker 4: I'm not sure where we go after the conversation, but

692
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:39,240
Speaker 4: the one thing I do know is that I'm not

693
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,720
Speaker 4: gonna be able to just full force jump back into

694
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:44,920
Speaker 4: the friendship and fully trust him so quickly. However, I

695
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:46,720
Speaker 4: also don't want him to feel like he has to

696
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 4: shay the right things or say what I want to hear.

697
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 4: I just want him to be genuine, and I want

698
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,160
Speaker 4: to make sure I make him comfortable enough to do that,

699
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,800
Speaker 4: even if those genuine things may be well not great.

700
00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:02,920
Speaker 2: Friend breakups are what they suck. They suck. Yeah, but

701
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,440
Speaker 2: I mean it just happens. It happens, you just fall apart.

702
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:08,200
Speaker 2: I mean, like if you really did want to say

703
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:13,080
Speaker 2: something to him, you can just be totally honest, like, yeah, honestly,

704
00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 2: Like I haven't really felt like putting effort in recently

705
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 2: because I never really felt like I got that effort

706
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:21,400
Speaker 2: back from you. Because of all of that, like, I'm

707
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:24,920
Speaker 2: kind of okay with leaving the friendship alone. If you

708
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 2: want to continue the friendship, you would just have to

709
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,080
Speaker 2: show me that, because it's kind of hard to believe.

710
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,200
Speaker 4: Right now, I agree, another part of me says, is

711
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:36,240
Speaker 4: it even worth it? Does he deserve this type of closure?

712
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,520
Speaker 4: Does he deserve the opportunity to explain himself? Or do

713
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,960
Speaker 4: I stick my pew pews on protecting my peace? I

714
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:45,080
Speaker 4: realized while typing, I'm not at peace, not really, but

715
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,600
Speaker 4: more peaceful than I was when he was around? Do

716
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:49,840
Speaker 4: I do this for my own closure? So read it?

717
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:52,920
Speaker 4: I'm coming to you for advice. How do I move forward?

718
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,479
Speaker 4: How do I best set up the conversation to achieve

719
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,920
Speaker 4: what I've said about? How do I communicate my feelings

720
00:30:57,960 --> 00:30:59,880
Speaker 4: in a way that won't put him on defense? How

721
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 4: do I know what to do next once the conversation

722
00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:04,800
Speaker 4: has had Thank you for any advice you may have.

723
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:07,720
Speaker 4: And I think my last thoughts is, if you feel

724
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:10,320
Speaker 4: that you need that conversation, then have the conversation. Yeah,

725
00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:12,640
Speaker 4: I mean nothing I'm going to say about like you know, yeah,

726
00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:14,800
Speaker 4: moving on or whatever is. If you feel that you

727
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,200
Speaker 4: need it, have it, right. But I think also know

728
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,640
Speaker 4: that the options are not never talk to him again,

729
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:22,200
Speaker 4: will become his best friend?

730
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:22,800
Speaker 3: Right?

731
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,520
Speaker 4: Those aren't the only options. Yeah, there's also the middle

732
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 4: ground of have the conversation, hash it out, and now

733
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 4: maybe it's not so awkward next time you see him

734
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:33,960
Speaker 4: in a group setting. But you're not best yes, yeah, exactly, Okay,

735
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 4: you don't have to be close anymore.

736
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 2: Exactly.

737
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 1: Hey, it's Sam, your og host. Here. We're going to

738
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:39,520
Speaker 1: get back to the stories. But here's three minutes of

739
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:43,360
Speaker 1: ads from our sponsors. I resent my husband because he

740
00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:45,400
Speaker 1: left me when I needed him the most.

741
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:46,840
Speaker 2: Ah Man.

742
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 1: We live in Europe, where I'm from. He is from

743
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:53,320
Speaker 1: the US. We've been together for eight years, married for

744
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:56,760
Speaker 1: three He thirty three male, left me thirty one female,

745
00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:59,200
Speaker 1: and the kids three year old boy and nine month

746
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,240
Speaker 1: old baby girl. Suddenly, because of an emergency, one of

747
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,239
Speaker 1: his parents was hospitalized and they thought they wouldn't make it.

748
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:07,320
Speaker 1: I was left out of all of the conversations about

749
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:09,560
Speaker 1: the details of the illness. After a few days, he

750
00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:11,560
Speaker 1: took a one way plane ticket and left for what

751
00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,360
Speaker 1: ended up being two weeks. At the time, I didn't

752
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,600
Speaker 1: know how long he would be gone. While he was there,

753
00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 1: I barely heard from him. By the way, this comes

754
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 1: from user Romanania, and if you want to submit your

755
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,680
Speaker 1: own stories, go to the r slash Okay story time

756
00:32:24,680 --> 00:32:27,800
Speaker 1: sub reread it so honestly, I didn't have the time

757
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:30,120
Speaker 1: during the day to ask for updates except by texts,

758
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,280
Speaker 1: but I thought i'd get updates anyway. I constantly had

759
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:35,560
Speaker 1: to ask for news, and I barely got anything. Yet

760
00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:38,360
Speaker 1: he was closer to European time since he was watching

761
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,960
Speaker 1: over his parents at night. It made me so mad,

762
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,719
Speaker 1: but I didn't express it. I didn't want to make

763
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 1: him feel worse. I understand the emergency and why he left,

764
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,280
Speaker 1: but our three year old didn't. And I've been living

765
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:51,400
Speaker 1: in the lake of fire ever since. We also have

766
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:53,640
Speaker 1: a nine month old baby who I nurse and cared

767
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,120
Speaker 1: for full time while also trying to run my own

768
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,800
Speaker 1: business from home. I managed the house, the garden, and

769
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,720
Speaker 1: the pet alone. Even before he left, I was already

770
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:04,560
Speaker 1: severely sleep deprived because I've been the one doing the

771
00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:07,239
Speaker 1: night shifts because the baby only wants to nurse at

772
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:10,120
Speaker 1: night quote unquote Yeah sure, but then during the day

773
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,280
Speaker 1: he works from home, but on us hours. But when

774
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:16,360
Speaker 1: do I get time to work or rest? Never except

775
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:18,440
Speaker 1: maybe when my mom can watch the kids for a bit.

776
00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: All of this happened right when my sister in law

777
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:24,360
Speaker 1: arrive with her first baby two months old, my niece,

778
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 1: the first baby other than ours in the family. I

779
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 1: did my best to hide how exhausted I was so

780
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,480
Speaker 1: I could also help take care of her. I'm sensing

781
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:35,600
Speaker 1: a problem. My niece is so cute and tiny, and

782
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:40,040
Speaker 1: I love her. On top of everything, he's extremely disorganized

783
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:42,560
Speaker 1: and left a mess everywhere before he left. When I

784
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,560
Speaker 1: packed his quick suitcase, I noticed he barely had any

785
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 1: clean clothes left. He had hidden two huge bags of

786
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,840
Speaker 1: dirty laundry in a bedroom. Why. I have no idea

787
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,040
Speaker 1: that built up over a month or two. He knows

788
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,520
Speaker 1: that I hate this kind of behavior. Why does he

789
00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:00,440
Speaker 1: act like a teenager? Well, it sounds like you might

790
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,640
Speaker 1: be doing his laundry when he does it. Just a thought.

791
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 1: I still kept a quote unquote good face that first

792
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 1: week because it was so important to me to meet

793
00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 1: my niece. I love my sister in law and my

794
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,040
Speaker 1: niece very much. I tried my absolute best to help

795
00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:15,080
Speaker 1: her during the week she stayed at our place, while

796
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:18,239
Speaker 1: also juggling my kids, the house and everything else. I'm

797
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 1: so tired from holding everything together for a week and

798
00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:22,840
Speaker 1: then being alone with the kids for another one. My

799
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:25,040
Speaker 1: baby is fine during the day, but won't let me

800
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:27,680
Speaker 1: sleep at night, and my three year old was devastated

801
00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:30,480
Speaker 1: by the sudden departure of his father. He woke up

802
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: crying and streaming at night, scared that I would leave too.

803
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:36,439
Speaker 1: He started wetting the bed every morning, something he never

804
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:40,319
Speaker 1: did before. It's been very hard. My husband took all

805
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,200
Speaker 1: this out on me, like it was my fault that

806
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 1: made me so angry, but I didn't even have time

807
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:47,120
Speaker 1: to sit down and process how I felt. I had

808
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:50,440
Speaker 1: no time to rest. Each day got harder, the resentment

809
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:54,719
Speaker 1: kept growing. Thankfully, my partner's parent is getting better, so

810
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,200
Speaker 1: I started telling him how hard things have been here.

811
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:00,680
Speaker 1: That's when he decided it was time to come. Our

812
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,920
Speaker 1: three year old just started to act a bit more

813
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:06,120
Speaker 1: like himself again just a few days ago, right when

814
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:08,839
Speaker 1: we found out that his dad was flying back this

815
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:11,680
Speaker 1: coming Monday. My mom still works, but tries to help

816
00:35:11,719 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 1: a little after work so I can make dinner while

817
00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:16,239
Speaker 1: she watches the kids. But that's it. My husband was

818
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:19,720
Speaker 1: gone for two weeks, but it felt like two months.

819
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 1: What's hardest is that I can't even sleep to recharge.

820
00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,279
Speaker 1: They both wake up at night, one after the other,

821
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:27,920
Speaker 1: and I can't ignore them. Otherwise they'll wake each other up.

822
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:30,040
Speaker 1: Having them both awake at the same time is worse

823
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 1: than dealing with them separately. And it happened a few times.

824
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:36,240
Speaker 1: It was a nightmare. Nursing also takes so much energy.

825
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:38,319
Speaker 1: I'm this close to stopping, but my nine month old

826
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:42,280
Speaker 1: refuses bottles. I think she may have a slight lip tie,

827
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:45,920
Speaker 1: but I can't investigate it. I'm drowning in responsibilities. My

828
00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,479
Speaker 1: face muscles are twitching all day from exhaustion. My cea

829
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 1: section scar still hurts often. Honestly, I feel allergic to life.

830
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:53,920
Speaker 1: I'm so tired that the only thing that sounds like

831
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:57,960
Speaker 1: rest is eternal sleep in a coffin. Okay, no, speratu.

832
00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 1: To be clear, we know the problem here, yeah, cookie girl,

833
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:06,759
Speaker 1: to be clear here, we need to be talking about this.

834
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:08,879
Speaker 1: I bet you OPI came up in a place where

835
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:12,520
Speaker 1: she cannot speak. If she's like, yeah, going through something,

836
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:15,760
Speaker 1: we need to do that. My husband comes back tomorrow,

837
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:18,680
Speaker 1: and I'm struggling to feel sorry for him. I feel

838
00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:21,240
Speaker 1: resentful that for two weeks he could just do whatever

839
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:24,080
Speaker 1: he wanted, even just have a warm coffee in peace

840
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:27,640
Speaker 1: in the morning. Quietly, I'm someone who needs quiet and solitude.

841
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,080
Speaker 1: Being a parent has been so hard for that. I

842
00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:33,200
Speaker 1: have a crazy talker kid. I'm never alone ever since

843
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,200
Speaker 1: I gave birth to him, been nearly four years. If

844
00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:37,640
Speaker 1: someone always near me, talking to me, touching me, and

845
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:41,640
Speaker 1: I can't take it anymore, I can't wait.

846
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:43,319
Speaker 3: That's how I would feel.

847
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,360
Speaker 2: So, Riley, you're not ready for kids, right well.

848
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 3: I would be ready for kids. But if that's probably

849
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:50,920
Speaker 3: how Ope feels. So I'm expressing that.

850
00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:53,440
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, yeah that was no I'm ready for gets

851
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:54,760
Speaker 1: was the perfect noise.

852
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,680
Speaker 3: If a kid happen right now, I'm taking care of it.

853
00:36:58,520 --> 00:36:58,919
Speaker 1: We're good.

854
00:36:58,920 --> 00:36:59,560
Speaker 3: We're good though.

855
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:00,480
Speaker 2: We're not pregnant.

856
00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:03,000
Speaker 3: Guys, you're not pregnant. We you want to say we

857
00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:04,040
Speaker 3: or you're pregnant.

858
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:04,880
Speaker 1: Riley's pregnant.

859
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:07,359
Speaker 3: But if if I'm like, hey, guys, we're pregnant, would

860
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:08,080
Speaker 3: that be weird to you?

861
00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 2: That's how people say it, don't.

862
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 1: I don't know.

863
00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:12,560
Speaker 3: I mean she's pregnant, you're dead it.

864
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:16,000
Speaker 2: Both our bellies are connected. That's how it works.

865
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,480
Speaker 3: I'll get the bottom half, you get the top half.

866
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 2: Okay, cool, cool, Well.

867
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 1: We could do it break down in the middle like

868
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:24,960
Speaker 1: a magician's cabinet. Here.

869
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:26,960
Speaker 3: Here, you get the left side because you're more creative,

870
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:30,960
Speaker 3: and I'll get the right side of it. Yeah, and

871
00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:32,319
Speaker 3: then we'll combine that well.

872
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,640
Speaker 1: So I can't wait for my second baby to go

873
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 1: to daycare. And I feel so bad for thinking that.

874
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:40,280
Speaker 1: I know it's a rich people problem. I feel awful.

875
00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:43,399
Speaker 1: I feel like I just can't win. Still, I would

876
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:45,719
Speaker 1: never do what he did, no matter what happened to

877
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,160
Speaker 1: other people. I would never do that to my kids.

878
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,600
Speaker 1: And we talked about this before. Maybe that's why he

879
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,040
Speaker 1: did it. He knew I would never leave them. I

880
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:57,160
Speaker 1: wouldn't leave them with him alone without planning everything around

881
00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:00,239
Speaker 1: and having the home clean, et cetera, et cetera. Is

882
00:38:00,239 --> 00:38:02,640
Speaker 1: that just a mom burden? And I should probably mention

883
00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:04,640
Speaker 1: that when I gave birth to our second be an

884
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:08,239
Speaker 1: emergency sea section, very traumatic. He never took time off work.

885
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:10,800
Speaker 1: He didn't stay at the hospital with me, but now

886
00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:13,480
Speaker 1: for his dad he did. And for two weeks his

887
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,879
Speaker 1: mom came to help with our oldest, and for him

888
00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:19,400
Speaker 1: that meant, okay, she's here to replace me. Dang, Like

889
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:21,680
Speaker 1: I get it. Like you can think all these things

890
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:23,759
Speaker 1: and that's accurate, But if you're not expressing any of

891
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:27,280
Speaker 1: this to anybody. That's what do you expect to happen?

892
00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:30,839
Speaker 1: Like if you don't express to your husband that you're

893
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:34,120
Speaker 1: losing it after four days, like why would he come

894
00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 1: home earlier.

895
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:36,960
Speaker 2: I think the idea here is that it's like he's

896
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:39,440
Speaker 2: not showing up for her like people have before, you know,

897
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:42,839
Speaker 2: and it's like you would hope that she would understand,

898
00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:45,400
Speaker 2: but she just had a kid and she's gone, right

899
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:46,760
Speaker 2: nine months stuff?

900
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:49,680
Speaker 1: Yeah wait what the kid's nine months old? Oh, the

901
00:38:49,719 --> 00:38:51,080
Speaker 1: new kid nine months old.

902
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:54,160
Speaker 2: But she's still still recovering from her like scars and

903
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:55,080
Speaker 2: sea section.

904
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 1: Yeah. But it's like if you're not expressing that you

905
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:02,480
Speaker 1: can't handle this ever, and you're also saying like, oh

906
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,000
Speaker 1: my mom's here, him not being there for you during

907
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,680
Speaker 1: the C section and in the hospital's bad. I'm not

908
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,080
Speaker 1: trying to get this guy a pass. I'm simply saying

909
00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:15,360
Speaker 1: that we need to express when we are at our limits.

910
00:39:15,719 --> 00:39:18,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, there's a solution here.

911
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,760
Speaker 1: So I was left to recover from a major surgery

912
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:23,840
Speaker 1: alone with his mom and the kids. He buried himself

913
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,600
Speaker 1: in work, and now he talks like that time of

914
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,520
Speaker 1: working a ton was not worth it. I recently told

915
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:32,520
Speaker 1: him I still feel resentful about that. He apologized and

916
00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:34,600
Speaker 1: said he didn't realize it at the time and felt

917
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:37,040
Speaker 1: like he had to do that. Well, it's not time

918
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:40,359
Speaker 1: that he can undo now. Resentment builds up, and even

919
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:43,400
Speaker 1: his mom was encouraging him. She installed a bed super

920
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,359
Speaker 1: far away from us in the house so he could

921
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 1: sleep unbothered by the newborn. I think therapy, y'all. Y'all

922
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:50,760
Speaker 1: need some therapy.

923
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:55,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, always, that's always a good solution to this stuff.

924
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:56,840
Speaker 1: Being a parent is hard, and none of the thoughts

925
00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:59,080
Speaker 1: that you're having are like wrong. Being like, god, I

926
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:00,680
Speaker 1: just wish my kid would leave me alone doesn't make

927
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:02,319
Speaker 1: you bad parent. You don't really need to feel bad

928
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:05,279
Speaker 1: about that. Everyone just sometimes is, oh God, I wish

929
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:06,759
Speaker 1: this thing would leave me alone. Low key.

930
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 3: I think you need friends that have friends, and the

931
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:12,960
Speaker 3: kids need, you know, other friends to play with, so

932
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:14,319
Speaker 3: then you can be like, hey, go play with your

933
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:15,840
Speaker 3: other friends over there, or then you bring them to

934
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,120
Speaker 3: your house and they're you know, have friends to play with.

935
00:40:18,239 --> 00:40:20,200
Speaker 3: I think that might definitely hope a lot too.

936
00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:21,959
Speaker 1: They're right at that age too, I mean like four,

937
00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:24,600
Speaker 1: I feel like even play dates though that's like still

938
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,319
Speaker 1: like a supervised like you know, the other mom or

939
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,000
Speaker 1: parents or whatever probably gonna come over. It's like once

940
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,279
Speaker 1: they start getting into like I guess like they're in

941
00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:36,400
Speaker 1: pre K right now maybe probably. I mean, I'm not

942
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:38,640
Speaker 1: a parent. I'm just trying to think they are almost

943
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:40,080
Speaker 1: at an age where it's like you can kind of

944
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:42,680
Speaker 1: maybe you can go to a friend's house or but

945
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,279
Speaker 1: even then it's like you've got the other one who's

946
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 1: coming up right behind them. So now this whole bed

947
00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:53,320
Speaker 1: installation fiasco happens and the resentment gets heavier. What's crazy

948
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:55,560
Speaker 1: is the house is actually less of a mess without

949
00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:57,840
Speaker 1: him here. It's not crazy. He sounds like a teenager.

950
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:00,239
Speaker 1: He's hoarding dirty laundry. I clean up, and no one

951
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:03,440
Speaker 1: is creating more mess without cleaning up after themselves. Behind me.

952
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:06,640
Speaker 1: I know I'm not perfect, and i know I'm probably overreacting,

953
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:09,600
Speaker 1: partly because I've been sleep deprived for months now. Maybe

954
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:11,480
Speaker 1: he didn't update me much because he didn't want me

955
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:14,359
Speaker 1: to worry more about his parent. But still I can't

956
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:16,719
Speaker 1: unsee the fact that my life is harder and it's

957
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 1: always about making time for everyone else but me. I

958
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:22,080
Speaker 1: don't read. I don't watch anything, I don't play, draw

959
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:24,799
Speaker 1: or paint. I barely see my friends. Every minute is

960
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,879
Speaker 1: for the kids or the house. Sorry for the very

961
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,160
Speaker 1: long rand, but I really need help figuring out how

962
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,239
Speaker 1: to let the I'm sorry you had a hard time

963
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:33,600
Speaker 1: seeing your parents so sick version of me win over

964
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:35,879
Speaker 1: the how could you do this to me? Version? Has

965
00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:38,239
Speaker 1: anyone gone through something similar and come out with a

966
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:41,239
Speaker 1: stronger relationship in the end? And we have some comments

967
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,720
Speaker 1: comment one As a mom, I've been there. My advice

968
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:47,000
Speaker 1: is to forget the two week trip and start over.

969
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:50,800
Speaker 1: Make a schedule. He needs to get up some nights

970
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:52,839
Speaker 1: or give you a couple of hours to sleep during

971
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:55,200
Speaker 1: the day. He needs to help you with chores and

972
00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:59,480
Speaker 1: cooking fifty to fifty. If not, you are close to

973
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:03,359
Speaker 1: a nervous breakdown due to lack of help, hormones, lack

974
00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:07,760
Speaker 1: of sleep, total exhaustion. It's a bad situation. Yeah, Op

975
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 1: replies you are very right. Thank you for this reply.

976
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 1: I sometimes complain to my family, but all they see

977
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,400
Speaker 1: is how great he is, never his flaws or they

978
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:19,239
Speaker 1: are nothing to complain about. Look, you're complaining to the

979
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:23,920
Speaker 1: irrelevant party. Complain to your husband, Complain to the people

980
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:30,000
Speaker 1: who are relevant in this situation. Yeah, come on, even

981
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:32,239
Speaker 1: when I point them out, it's always but he could

982
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:34,839
Speaker 1: be so much worse. You're so lucky to have him,

983
00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 1: when honestly, I'm working a lot since the beginning of

984
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:40,280
Speaker 1: this relationship, and it looks like only him is the greatest,

985
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:42,440
Speaker 1: and I'm there. Maybe it's because I'm coming from a

986
00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:45,120
Speaker 1: family of great examples, so the bar was so low.

987
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:47,200
Speaker 1: But from his side of the family, he is also

988
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:50,080
Speaker 1: the greatest, and how lucky you should be. From either side,

989
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:52,480
Speaker 1: it's never how lucky he is to have you, which

990
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,200
Speaker 1: I felt for a long time, except this past year

991
00:42:55,280 --> 00:42:57,600
Speaker 1: or so, I've started to think, well, he is trying

992
00:42:57,680 --> 00:42:59,520
Speaker 1: really hard to be that person in front of them.

993
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:03,239
Speaker 1: Don't see everything. Am I just done? Grateful? Huh? It

994
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:06,120
Speaker 1: feels good to be understood here though. Hey it's johnio

995
00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:07,840
Speaker 1: Ogos here. We're gonna get back to the stories. But

996
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:10,000
Speaker 1: here's a quick three minute break of ass form more sponsors.

997
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:13,200
Speaker 2: My wife was never in love with me, but we're

998
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:19,000
Speaker 2: three years married already. My wife thirty female, and I

999
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:21,920
Speaker 2: thirty two male, have been together for three years, married

1000
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,319
Speaker 2: for about two. We have a nearly two year old

1001
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:26,680
Speaker 2: daughter and have been through a lot in a short time,

1002
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:30,360
Speaker 2: moving in together, full time jobs, pregnancy, getting married, and

1003
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:34,360
Speaker 2: even a miscarriage. It's been intense and emotional. I've always

1004
00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,919
Speaker 2: believed in us, and while we've had major struggles, I've

1005
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:39,399
Speaker 2: kept fighting for our relationship. By the way, this comes

1006
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:42,399
Speaker 2: from Environmental oh Cross six hundred and if you want

1007
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:44,240
Speaker 2: to submit your own stories, go to the hour Slasherkase

1008
00:43:44,239 --> 00:43:48,360
Speaker 2: storytimes Sepreddit. So recently, during a very honest conversation, she

1009
00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:50,800
Speaker 2: told me something that hit me hard that after about

1010
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:53,600
Speaker 2: six months of being together, she realized she didn't feel

1011
00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:57,400
Speaker 2: the feeling that in love spark and now three years

1012
00:43:57,400 --> 00:43:59,680
Speaker 2: in she still says that she doesn't feel it. She

1013
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:01,920
Speaker 2: told me, I mean that she's always struggled with identifying

1014
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:04,200
Speaker 2: what being in love even means, and now in therapy

1015
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:06,560
Speaker 2: she's been going for about four months, she's starting to

1016
00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,279
Speaker 2: untangle those feelings. This is the first time that she's

1017
00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:11,560
Speaker 2: ever said this out loud. She said she loves me,

1018
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:14,520
Speaker 2: cares deeply about me, and sees me as family, but

1019
00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:17,960
Speaker 2: questions whether that love is enough, whether it's true romantic

1020
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:21,600
Speaker 2: love or just safety, familiarity and shared life. It broke me,

1021
00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:24,480
Speaker 2: especially because I never knew she felt that way. She

1022
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:27,680
Speaker 2: even admitted that she has felt that spark in previous relationships,

1023
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:30,759
Speaker 2: but those were chaotic or unsafe. With me, she says,

1024
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 2: everything felt right on paper, stability, a daughter, a future,

1025
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:38,719
Speaker 2: but never the feeling. We're both emotionally exhausted. I've made mistakes,

1026
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:41,759
Speaker 2: I've bottled up emotions, lashed out when I'm overwhelmed, and

1027
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:44,640
Speaker 2: I've said things that I regret. I've just started therapy myself.

1028
00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:46,920
Speaker 2: I'm one month in and I'm fully committed to working

1029
00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:49,280
Speaker 2: on my part, for me, for her, and for our daughter.

1030
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:51,880
Speaker 2: She's been through a lot too, a rough upbringing no

1031
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:54,600
Speaker 2: clear example of love or family. This is her first

1032
00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:57,319
Speaker 2: long term relationship, and I know it's all been a

1033
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:00,320
Speaker 2: lot too fast. There have also been some fundamental issues

1034
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:03,600
Speaker 2: between us. Trust was broken early on things. She hid

1035
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:07,440
Speaker 2: contact with an ex, lies secrets. We never really repaired that.

1036
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:11,120
Speaker 2: Communication has always been really hard. Sometimes I feel like

1037
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:13,720
Speaker 2: I can't fully express how I feel without it turning

1038
00:45:13,719 --> 00:45:16,560
Speaker 2: into conflict. It's like we're stuck in patterns that kept

1039
00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:19,960
Speaker 2: pulling us apart, and we've never fully built the solid

1040
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:23,319
Speaker 2: base a relationship really needs. Now we've agreed to take

1041
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:26,040
Speaker 2: some space, not a breakup, but real distance.

1042
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:29,279
Speaker 1: What what this is? When you break up, it's over.

1043
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:31,640
Speaker 1: You be married for three years, she said she didn't

1044
00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:34,799
Speaker 1: like you after six months, it's just time to say

1045
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:37,480
Speaker 1: this is dirty, this is messy. We're going to cut

1046
00:45:37,480 --> 00:45:40,080
Speaker 1: our losses here and wish each other's best. You don't

1047
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:44,080
Speaker 1: have to hate each other, but it's time to call

1048
00:45:44,120 --> 00:45:44,640
Speaker 1: it mine.

1049
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:47,840
Speaker 2: This is why we spend more time in relationships before

1050
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 2: we get married. Okay, guys, Like the title was kind

1051
00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:52,680
Speaker 2: of off. They've only been together for three years. They've

1052
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:54,840
Speaker 2: been married for almost two years now, so it was

1053
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,319
Speaker 2: only like a year in and they got married. Okay, yeah,

1054
00:45:57,600 --> 00:45:59,239
Speaker 2: six months and she was like, I don't love you,

1055
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:00,279
Speaker 2: but I will say I do.

1056
00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:03,320
Speaker 1: And she said that out loud at six months.

1057
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:05,440
Speaker 2: She didn't say it out loud at six months.

1058
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:06,920
Speaker 1: But she's saying it now that after.

1059
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:09,799
Speaker 2: Six months she realized it. That's six months in. Now

1060
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,960
Speaker 2: we're three years in. Yeah, and she's saying it out loud.

1061
00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:15,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, Lily Pilly Willy says, now, keep flogging the horse.

1062
00:46:15,239 --> 00:46:17,719
Speaker 1: It'll work out. Yet, no matter how hard you'll whip it,

1063
00:46:17,719 --> 00:46:19,759
Speaker 1: it's still a course exactly.

1064
00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:22,640
Speaker 2: She says she needs space to feel what's real for

1065
00:46:22,719 --> 00:46:25,160
Speaker 2: her without my presence influencing it, and I respect that,

1066
00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:27,560
Speaker 2: but I'm also scared. I'm scared that I'll be the

1067
00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:30,040
Speaker 2: only one fighting again, that I'm the only one willing

1068
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:33,719
Speaker 2: to rebuild, asking has anyone been through this? Can love

1069
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:36,160
Speaker 2: grow when one person says that they've never felt in

1070
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:39,360
Speaker 2: love to begin with? Is space like this helpful or

1071
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:41,919
Speaker 2: is it just a goodbye. I'm willing to give it time,

1072
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:43,919
Speaker 2: I'm willing to work, but I'm also scared that she's

1073
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,919
Speaker 2: already gone in her heart. I just don't know what's

1074
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:49,000
Speaker 2: real anymore. And there is a small updates is the

1075
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:52,160
Speaker 2: day after the conversation. Last night, we finally had the

1076
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:55,880
Speaker 2: big conversation. Kept it calm and honest, no yelling, no blaming,

1077
00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:59,000
Speaker 2: just truth. She told me more about how she's felt

1078
00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:01,120
Speaker 2: for a long time, and I shared everything that I've

1079
00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:03,759
Speaker 2: been holding in. We talked about her doubts, my pain,

1080
00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:06,879
Speaker 2: our patterns, the broken trust. I went into the talk

1081
00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:09,759
Speaker 2: thinking maybe this space could be the beginning of something new,

1082
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:13,000
Speaker 2: a reset, But after hearing her say that she's never

1083
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:15,759
Speaker 2: truly felt in love with me and that she's been

1084
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,640
Speaker 2: carrying that for years. It hit harder than I expected.

1085
00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:21,279
Speaker 2: We've agreed to keep some distance now, especially for our

1086
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,759
Speaker 2: daughter's sake. I'm going to stay somewhere else for now.

1087
00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:25,400
Speaker 2: I told her that I don't want to give up

1088
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:27,040
Speaker 2: on us, but I can't be the only one willing

1089
00:47:27,080 --> 00:47:30,760
Speaker 2: to fight. There are some comments. Common number one says, Actually,

1090
00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:32,840
Speaker 2: I have felt a lot like your wife in the past.

1091
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:35,360
Speaker 2: I've come to realize that what I felt was the

1092
00:47:35,440 --> 00:47:38,440
Speaker 2: spark was triggered attachment, and that came from what I knew,

1093
00:47:38,640 --> 00:47:41,360
Speaker 2: which was unhealthy. It's normal for a relationship spark to

1094
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:44,880
Speaker 2: fade after around six months to two years. Pea and

1095
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:49,040
Speaker 2: oxytocin drop are are replaced by more a settled.

1096
00:47:48,719 --> 00:47:51,160
Speaker 1: Hormonal miss What are we dorks? Now? What do we

1097
00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:53,560
Speaker 1: get nerds? What are these words? I don't know what

1098
00:47:53,600 --> 00:47:55,080
Speaker 1: any of this means. I'm too cool?

1099
00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:58,880
Speaker 2: I don't know either, but hey, these make us feel safe,

1100
00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:02,000
Speaker 2: inspire us to and feel less anxious that the relationship

1101
00:48:02,040 --> 00:48:04,840
Speaker 2: could blow up. For some people me, that natural switch

1102
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:06,960
Speaker 2: can be like, oh no, the spark that made me

1103
00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:09,319
Speaker 2: feel butterflies is gone, so I'm not in love. I

1104
00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:12,680
Speaker 2: eventually redefine my own definition of love so now I

1105
00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:15,360
Speaker 2: feel like, rather than love being a feeling that happens

1106
00:48:15,400 --> 00:48:17,840
Speaker 2: to me, love is a commitment between two people to

1107
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:20,920
Speaker 2: turn up. It's an action to prioritize growth and happiness

1108
00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:23,120
Speaker 2: in our home. And I'm grateful every day for my

1109
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:25,440
Speaker 2: partner turning up. When I make the effort to see

1110
00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:28,359
Speaker 2: his efforts, I realize that's love. And when I make

1111
00:48:28,440 --> 00:48:32,480
Speaker 2: effort back, that's love. And the actions keep the feeling alive.

1112
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:35,440
Speaker 2: I'm not at all saying your wife feels exactly like

1113
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,719
Speaker 2: I did. I suppose it's more of a sharing my

1114
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:40,080
Speaker 2: story in case it helps, so you can see it

1115
00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:42,839
Speaker 2: as possible to come back from if you both want to.

1116
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:45,840
Speaker 2: But your wife does need to tune into you, her

1117
00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:48,760
Speaker 2: and the relationship. We value the things most that we're

1118
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:52,120
Speaker 2: actively working towards in life. That's a good update. There

1119
00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:53,360
Speaker 2: is a comment or an update.

1120
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:56,080
Speaker 3: I do have a question whenever you feel out of

1121
00:48:56,200 --> 00:48:58,799
Speaker 3: luck or like out of love for your partner, or

1122
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:01,239
Speaker 3: don't feel that spark, how do you regain it?

1123
00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:04,920
Speaker 1: Can you regain it? What's your scenarios? How have you

1124
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:07,640
Speaker 1: guys like fixed that it's an ebb and flow. You

1125
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:09,920
Speaker 1: know it's not going to be the same constantly. But

1126
00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 1: it's like, you know, if y'all are just feeling like

1127
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:15,640
Speaker 1: it's like stale or whatever, it's like that's the indicator.

1128
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:17,160
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, we gotta go do something. We gotta

1129
00:49:17,320 --> 00:49:19,319
Speaker 1: make sure we're not taking this for granted right now,

1130
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:21,080
Speaker 1: because it is Once you've been with someone for a

1131
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:24,440
Speaker 1: long time, it's like it can become a routine and

1132
00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:26,359
Speaker 1: it and it's just like, oh, we'll just like being

1133
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:28,480
Speaker 1: with you enough. It's like living with someone. It's like

1134
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:30,440
Speaker 1: we live together. It's like, what do you mean, of course,

1135
00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:32,319
Speaker 1: of course we're great. Of course I love you. It's like,

1136
00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:34,759
Speaker 1: but you guys, gotta go out and have a little adventure,

1137
00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:39,160
Speaker 1: a little quality experience every now and then. Makes sense,

1138
00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:41,600
Speaker 1: even when you got responsibilities and stuff and bl blah

1139
00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:43,719
Speaker 1: blah blah, you gotta find the time, make the time

1140
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:45,320
Speaker 1: to go out do something.

1141
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:50,040
Speaker 2: Update. She finally admitted that she had contact with her

1142
00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:52,840
Speaker 2: ex long distance on and off for a year or more. No,

1143
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:56,240
Speaker 2: and this was also a previous problem in the past.

1144
00:49:56,440 --> 00:50:00,000
Speaker 2: No previous past problem that she is now doing again.

1145
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:02,799
Speaker 2: This is great, this is so great. I had suspected it,

1146
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:05,520
Speaker 2: asked about it multiple times every time she said it

1147
00:50:05,560 --> 00:50:09,200
Speaker 2: was nothing, just friendly, just catching up. But it wasn't

1148
00:50:09,480 --> 00:50:13,080
Speaker 2: just that I saw messages. It was flirting, multiple nudes

1149
00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:15,839
Speaker 2: sent Meanwhile in our relationship, I told her more than

1150
00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:17,600
Speaker 2: once I'd love it if she ever said me something

1151
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:20,520
Speaker 2: like that. She never did. She never sent me anything

1152
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:23,279
Speaker 2: like that, but she did for him. She says it's

1153
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,560
Speaker 2: over now and part of her coming clean was being

1154
00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:27,840
Speaker 2: honest with herself too. But I don't know what to

1155
00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:30,759
Speaker 2: believe anymore. To cope, I booked a hotel. I didn't

1156
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:33,239
Speaker 2: tell her. I just knew I needed space. I've been

1157
00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:35,960
Speaker 2: calm through this. I haven't yelled, I haven't thrown blame,

1158
00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:39,000
Speaker 2: but I feel something inside me cracking. And still she's

1159
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:41,760
Speaker 2: been physically affection in the last couple of days, lying

1160
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:44,920
Speaker 2: close to me in bed, holding me, seeking connection. Ross

1161
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:49,279
Speaker 2: completely confuses me. It almost feels like love or is

1162
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:55,480
Speaker 2: it guilt, habit attachment? Pooooo, Yeah, that's definitely gil Opie.

1163
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:58,480
Speaker 2: I brought up our planned vacation in two weeks, told

1164
00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:01,239
Speaker 2: her that I might just go alone. She froze, told

1165
00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:03,480
Speaker 2: me that she wanted to go as a family. That

1166
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:05,600
Speaker 2: line hit me in the gut. It made me feel

1167
00:51:05,680 --> 00:51:08,319
Speaker 2: both hopeful and completely lost at the same time. So

1168
00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:11,480
Speaker 2: what's happening now? We're supposed to talk again today? I

1169
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:14,120
Speaker 2: told her that I needed clarity. I'm writing this before

1170
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:16,720
Speaker 2: that conversation because I don't trust myself to get everything

1171
00:51:16,719 --> 00:51:18,600
Speaker 2: out in the moment. These are the things that I

1172
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:21,200
Speaker 2: need to ask, and honestly, things I've been caring for

1173
00:51:21,239 --> 00:51:23,879
Speaker 2: a while. Why the sudden affection lately? Is it love,

1174
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:26,480
Speaker 2: confusion or just not wanting to let go yet? What

1175
00:51:26,520 --> 00:51:28,080
Speaker 2: did she mean when she said that she wants to

1176
00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:30,360
Speaker 2: go on vacation as a family. Is that real or

1177
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:31,960
Speaker 2: just something that sounds nice?

1178
00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:33,319
Speaker 1: I bet it's the second one.

1179
00:51:33,600 --> 00:51:37,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, And the hardest question is my daughter mine? I'm

1180
00:51:37,239 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 2: almost sure she is. But during a past argument, she

1181
00:51:40,239 --> 00:51:42,880
Speaker 2: mentioned her ex once asked if it was his child,

1182
00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:45,520
Speaker 2: and it planted a seed of doubt that I can't ignore.

1183
00:51:46,120 --> 00:51:50,160
Speaker 2: What what what do you mean that seed is now

1184
00:51:50,239 --> 00:51:52,120
Speaker 2: planted and it's now a child.

1185
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:55,040
Speaker 1: Is Yeah, it grew into the shape of your daughter.

1186
00:51:55,280 --> 00:51:56,719
Speaker 1: That's crazy, that's nut.

1187
00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,319
Speaker 2: That's not just doubt. That's not a sign of doubt.

1188
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:01,600
Speaker 2: The ex asked if the kid was his.

1189
00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:05,960
Speaker 1: One reason you ask somebody.

1190
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,520
Speaker 2: You don't get pregnant or were stay?

1191
00:52:08,080 --> 00:52:12,440
Speaker 1: Well? We did? We held hands seven times, Yeah.

1192
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:16,480
Speaker 2: We spent. I saw her naked body in pictures that

1193
00:52:16,560 --> 00:52:17,319
Speaker 2: she texted me.

1194
00:52:17,640 --> 00:52:19,560
Speaker 1: I hope did you get pregnant from those pictures?

1195
00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:20,760
Speaker 2: From those?

1196
00:52:21,160 --> 00:52:25,520
Speaker 1: Come on, man, dude.

1197
00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:28,359
Speaker 2: Like, I can't believe we're just brushing past that. We

1198
00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:31,080
Speaker 2: didn't even get an answer. What was said about that?

1199
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:35,360
Speaker 2: That was just the question that was right? Yais? Dude? Ah?

1200
00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:38,160
Speaker 2: I hate that I even have to ask this. What's

1201
00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:41,360
Speaker 2: her contact with her ex consistent this whole time? I

1202
00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:44,520
Speaker 2: found explicit photos four months ago and once a year ago.

1203
00:52:44,719 --> 00:52:48,040
Speaker 2: She admitted the talking started way before. I assume it

1204
00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:50,040
Speaker 2: never stopped, but I want to know the full truth.

1205
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:52,279
Speaker 2: How long did it go on and how deep was

1206
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:55,080
Speaker 2: it really? I've been in therapy myself for a month.

1207
00:52:55,200 --> 00:52:57,399
Speaker 2: I'm facing my own stuff, the way I shut down

1208
00:52:57,440 --> 00:53:00,480
Speaker 2: avoid hard emotions or lash out under pressure. I'm committed

1209
00:53:00,520 --> 00:53:02,600
Speaker 2: to growing, but right now I don't know if there's

1210
00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:04,799
Speaker 2: anything left to fight for. I don't even know if

1211
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:07,399
Speaker 2: I want to stay, and that's new for me. And yeah,

1212
00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:09,960
Speaker 2: I'll admit this too. After she told me all of this,

1213
00:53:10,120 --> 00:53:12,239
Speaker 2: I reached out to a couple of past hookups. I

1214
00:53:12,280 --> 00:53:14,080
Speaker 2: haven't acted on it, but the fact that I even

1215
00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:16,640
Speaker 2: wanted to shows me how far I've drifted from myself

1216
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:19,279
Speaker 2: and all this. So here I am. We're about to talk,

1217
00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:21,239
Speaker 2: and I honestly don't know what I want to hear.

1218
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:23,399
Speaker 2: Part of me wants her to fight for us. Part

1219
00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:26,520
Speaker 2: of me is done. Can something this broken be rebuilt?

1220
00:53:26,600 --> 00:53:29,160
Speaker 2: If the love is real but the trust and connection

1221
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:30,480
Speaker 2: never fully work.

1222
00:53:30,360 --> 00:53:32,759
Speaker 1: The love's not real. Dog, she told you, it's not

1223
00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:34,000
Speaker 1: What are you talking about?

1224
00:53:34,440 --> 00:53:35,200
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1225
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:37,160
Speaker 1: What are we talking about? Yeah?

1226
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:40,279
Speaker 2: This is just an overall and healthy relationship on both ends,

1227
00:53:40,880 --> 00:53:44,520
Speaker 2: super honestly, super unhealthy. Can two people come back from

1228
00:53:44,560 --> 00:53:46,799
Speaker 2: this level of damage? Or are we just dragging out

1229
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:48,799
Speaker 2: the end? And how do you know when it's time

1230
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:50,600
Speaker 2: to stop trying? Comments?

1231
00:53:50,920 --> 00:53:55,080
Speaker 1: Number one, this guy's trying to make a double triple cheeseburger.

1232
00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:56,920
Speaker 1: Be like, is there a way to make that healthy?

1233
00:53:57,000 --> 00:54:00,319
Speaker 1: It's like, no, there's no diet triple double cheeseburger. It's like,

1234
00:54:00,360 --> 00:54:02,480
Speaker 1: you're gonna got it bad for you.

1235
00:54:02,480 --> 00:54:04,880
Speaker 3: You can take the tomato and let us off to

1236
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:06,680
Speaker 3: decrease the calories.

1237
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:10,400
Speaker 1: The tomato and lett it's less calories. Oh my gosh,

1238
00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:14,040
Speaker 1: it is sure, Yeah, it's just so again, still not healthy. Yeah.

1239
00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:16,160
Speaker 3: And if she's got avocado on there, take that out

1240
00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:18,720
Speaker 3: never mind, Yeah, take that out. Less calories.

1241
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:20,799
Speaker 1: Can't afford that. What we are we going to buy

1242
00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:23,319
Speaker 1: a home if we're putting avocado on our toast.

1243
00:54:23,840 --> 00:54:26,520
Speaker 2: You have to face the truth. Sending Nunes is cheating.

1244
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:30,040
Speaker 2: She is cheating. She is a cheater, a cheater. Read

1245
00:54:30,080 --> 00:54:31,240
Speaker 2: those words out loud.

1246
00:54:31,280 --> 00:54:32,160
Speaker 1: Cheater, pumpkin eater.

1247
00:54:32,440 --> 00:54:34,560
Speaker 2: Even if you want to reconcile with her, the only

1248
00:54:34,600 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 2: path forward is to break up your current relationship with her.

1249
00:54:37,200 --> 00:54:40,040
Speaker 2: Ask for a divorce, go nuclear. You need to show

1250
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:42,600
Speaker 2: you are serious and that she can't just walk all

1251
00:54:42,640 --> 00:54:45,040
Speaker 2: over you. Comment number two says, the reason why she

1252
00:54:45,160 --> 00:54:47,759
Speaker 2: is now affectionate is her lover, or rather that she

1253
00:54:48,120 --> 00:54:50,960
Speaker 2: ended things with him before. Your wife has invested her

1254
00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:54,239
Speaker 2: time and emotional energy into her lover after she ended

1255
00:54:54,280 --> 00:54:57,520
Speaker 2: things with him, and she now has emotional energy available

1256
00:54:57,600 --> 00:55:00,719
Speaker 2: and you are there, so she lets that out with you.

1257
00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:02,560
Speaker 2: Can your marriage be rebuilt?

1258
00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:03,040
Speaker 1: No?

1259
00:55:03,360 --> 00:55:06,680
Speaker 2: And you also don't want that your marriage was defined

1260
00:55:06,719 --> 00:55:08,560
Speaker 2: by her not being committed to you and having an

1261
00:55:08,560 --> 00:55:10,880
Speaker 2: affair with her ex. You don't want to rebuild that,

1262
00:55:11,480 --> 00:55:13,680
Speaker 2: ask yourself instead of what a marriage should look like

1263
00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:16,359
Speaker 2: so that you feel loved and comfortable in it. Then

1264
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:18,239
Speaker 2: ask yourself if you believe that you could have that

1265
00:55:18,320 --> 00:55:20,440
Speaker 2: with her. Also ask yourself if you are up for

1266
00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:23,120
Speaker 2: the triggers that you will face in the future. For example,

1267
00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:25,200
Speaker 2: when you see her texting on her phone or when

1268
00:55:25,239 --> 00:55:27,920
Speaker 2: she takes a selfie, you will always get reminded of

1269
00:55:27,960 --> 00:55:30,279
Speaker 2: her affair. Can you handle that? And do you think

1270
00:55:30,360 --> 00:55:32,919
Speaker 2: that she can handle it to see you triggered even

1271
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:35,440
Speaker 2: in ten years from now without telling you that you

1272
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:38,960
Speaker 2: need to be over what she did and there is

1273
00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:39,840
Speaker 2: an update.

1274
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:43,520
Speaker 1: I mean that was a solid, solid comment. Yeah, really,

1275
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:46,840
Speaker 1: that was the full PowerPoint presentation. That's why I like

1276
00:55:46,880 --> 00:55:50,920
Speaker 1: your whole marriage was her not actually being there for

1277
00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:53,840
Speaker 1: you and cheating on you. You don't want to rebuild that.

1278
00:55:54,080 --> 00:55:57,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, the reason that you're thinking that it can be

1279
00:55:57,040 --> 00:56:01,440
Speaker 2: rebuilt is because she's putting this affection in, which is

1280
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:04,200
Speaker 2: exactly what she wants. She doesn't want to lose you

1281
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:08,239
Speaker 2: because she's used to that stability. Probably she's confused with

1282
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:11,600
Speaker 2: her own emotions, so she's like, oh, shoot, my husband

1283
00:56:12,040 --> 00:56:14,400
Speaker 2: is now saying that he might want to leave, and

1284
00:56:14,440 --> 00:56:18,000
Speaker 2: he can't be happy with us anymore. Now. I either

1285
00:56:18,120 --> 00:56:20,440
Speaker 2: feel sorry or I want him to leave or both,

1286
00:56:20,520 --> 00:56:22,920
Speaker 2: And I'm gonna try to make him say by reassuring

1287
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:25,680
Speaker 2: him that, Yeah, I still love you, but you literally

1288
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:27,319
Speaker 2: just said that you don't love you.

1289
00:56:27,320 --> 00:56:30,719
Speaker 1: Gotta listen. Yeah, when people tell you exactly.

1290
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:33,279
Speaker 2: With their actions, listen to their actions. But there is

1291
00:56:33,320 --> 00:56:36,160
Speaker 2: an update Number two. I found out that she had

1292
00:56:36,239 --> 00:56:39,239
Speaker 2: long term on and have contact with her ex. That

1293
00:56:39,560 --> 00:56:42,200
Speaker 2: shook me, especially when I saw intimate photos on her

1294
00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:44,239
Speaker 2: phone and heard that he once asked if our child

1295
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:46,239
Speaker 2: might be his. She says that the photos were from

1296
00:56:46,280 --> 00:56:49,239
Speaker 2: before our relationship and I don't care what happened before that,

1297
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:52,640
Speaker 2: and that she didn't send anything while we were together.

1298
00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:56,400
Speaker 2: I found also some pictures in our relationship in her gallery.

1299
00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:59,120
Speaker 2: She also said that she blocked him immediately after that Is.

1300
00:56:59,120 --> 00:56:59,720
Speaker 3: It my child?

1301
00:56:59,760 --> 00:57:03,520
Speaker 2: Cam? I believe her mostly, but somewhere inside my trust

1302
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:06,640
Speaker 2: still questions it. Honestly, I booked a hotel and left

1303
00:57:06,640 --> 00:57:08,600
Speaker 2: the house abruptly because I truly believed that she had

1304
00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:12,400
Speaker 2: cheated during a relationship she did. At that moment, everything

1305
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:15,799
Speaker 2: in me was convinced something happened. I didn't fully know now,

1306
00:57:15,880 --> 00:57:18,320
Speaker 2: after all the talks and her explanations, I don't know

1307
00:57:18,320 --> 00:57:21,080
Speaker 2: if i'd call it cheating. There were definitely things that hurt,

1308
00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:23,520
Speaker 2: things that crossed emotional lines, but I can't label it

1309
00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:26,560
Speaker 2: one hundred percent is cheating. That confusion is still in me.

1310
00:57:26,720 --> 00:57:29,760
Speaker 2: This poor guy dude. So what really bothers me is

1311
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:33,120
Speaker 2: this My ex had also contacted me multiple times during

1312
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:36,640
Speaker 2: our relationship and I never replied that was a clear boundary.

1313
00:57:36,720 --> 00:57:39,440
Speaker 2: She didn't draw that same line, And that difference in

1314
00:57:39,520 --> 00:57:42,080
Speaker 2: boundaries makes me a question how aligned we really are

1315
00:57:42,200 --> 00:57:45,080
Speaker 2: when it comes to loyalty and emotional safety. That being said,

1316
00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:46,920
Speaker 2: I don't want this whole story to be reduced to

1317
00:57:47,040 --> 00:57:49,280
Speaker 2: just the X. That's one part of it, But the

1318
00:57:49,320 --> 00:57:51,680
Speaker 2: bigger truth is we both came into this relationship with

1319
00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:54,560
Speaker 2: heavy baggage. I've struggled with depression for a long time.

1320
00:57:54,640 --> 00:57:57,080
Speaker 2: I shut down emotionally. I didn't always create a safe

1321
00:57:57,080 --> 00:58:00,400
Speaker 2: space either. She has her wounds, I have mine. We've

1322
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:02,800
Speaker 2: both failed each other in different ways, and the cracks

1323
00:58:02,800 --> 00:58:05,600
Speaker 2: started before this latest breaking point, and it only got worse.

1324
00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:08,640
Speaker 2: We never really talked deeply about our struggles or what

1325
00:58:08,720 --> 00:58:10,440
Speaker 2: came after the fights. We just moved on.

1326
00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:11,480
Speaker 1: I told her I.

1327
00:58:11,480 --> 00:58:14,200
Speaker 2: Needed space and I left. She didn't expect me to

1328
00:58:14,240 --> 00:58:16,680
Speaker 2: actually go, but I had to finally listen to myself.

1329
00:58:16,760 --> 00:58:19,840
Speaker 2: We've agreed all stay away until till at least Wednesday.

1330
00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:22,680
Speaker 2: Our daughter is safe and cared for, no conflict there.

1331
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:26,760
Speaker 2: We've paused all vacation plans and upcoming weekends. Nothing is forced,

1332
00:58:26,880 --> 00:58:29,920
Speaker 2: no more pretending. Right now, I'm focusing on my mental health,

1333
00:58:29,960 --> 00:58:32,560
Speaker 2: my business, and figuring out what I really want, not

1334
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:35,440
Speaker 2: just what I'm afraid to lose. I've also stopped all

1335
00:58:35,520 --> 00:58:38,080
Speaker 2: contact with the flings. I messaged out of pain. That

1336
00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:39,920
Speaker 2: wasn't who I want to be. If I want to

1337
00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:42,480
Speaker 2: do right by my daughter and by myself, I have

1338
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:45,240
Speaker 2: to face this clean. If this continues, it has to

1339
00:58:45,280 --> 00:58:48,320
Speaker 2: be something entirely new. The relationship we had is over

1340
00:58:48,520 --> 00:58:51,520
Speaker 2: the patterns, the assumptions, the silence. If we try again,

1341
00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:54,400
Speaker 2: it'll be a full reset. If not, its closure. We

1342
00:58:54,480 --> 00:58:57,640
Speaker 2: both understand that now this is emotionally draining, and honestly

1343
00:58:57,760 --> 00:58:59,920
Speaker 2: I don't know what I want yet. I just need rest.

1344
00:59:00,200 --> 00:59:02,360
Speaker 2: I need to write everything out so I don't lose myself.

1345
00:59:02,440 --> 00:59:04,800
Speaker 2: And there are some questions I still struggle with. If

1346
00:59:04,840 --> 00:59:07,840
Speaker 2: anyone's been here, have you ever rebuilt a relationship after

1347
00:59:07,880 --> 00:59:10,360
Speaker 2: emotional trust was broken? And how did you know it

1348
00:59:10,400 --> 00:59:13,040
Speaker 2: was worth it? How do you reset something when the

1349
00:59:13,080 --> 00:59:15,720
Speaker 2: foundation was never strong to begin with. Thanks to everyone

1350
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:19,240
Speaker 2: who commented on my earlier posts, even the hard ones helped.

1351
00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:22,640
Speaker 2: And there's an update again after Wednesday, and there are

1352
00:59:22,680 --> 00:59:25,360
Speaker 2: some comments. Comment number one says there is one thing

1353
00:59:25,360 --> 00:59:27,440
Speaker 2: in your post that stands out more than anything else,

1354
00:59:27,680 --> 00:59:31,439
Speaker 2: the fact that her ex asked if your daughter might

1355
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:34,760
Speaker 2: be his? That question doesn't come out of nowhere. It

1356
00:59:34,800 --> 00:59:37,840
Speaker 2: doesn't make any sense unless at some point during your

1357
00:59:37,880 --> 00:59:40,800
Speaker 2: relationship he had reason to believe that there was even

1358
00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:44,920
Speaker 2: a possibility, meaning some kind of spicy related contact. No

1359
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:47,640
Speaker 2: one who hasn't had spicy sleep with someone in years

1360
00:59:47,920 --> 00:59:51,280
Speaker 2: and knows they haven't asks if a child might be theirs.

1361
00:59:51,400 --> 00:59:55,400
Speaker 2: It's not hypothetical that just randomly crosses someone's mind, And

1362
00:59:55,480 --> 00:59:58,840
Speaker 2: if it were totally unfounded, you'd expect her response to

1363
00:59:58,920 --> 01:00:01,600
Speaker 2: have been something like, what the heck are you talking about?

1364
01:00:01,680 --> 01:00:05,000
Speaker 2: That's not even possible. Instead, it sounds like she didn't

1365
01:00:05,040 --> 01:00:08,080
Speaker 2: shut it down that way. That's important because if she

1366
01:00:08,080 --> 01:00:11,160
Speaker 2: didn't react with confusion or outrage. It suggests the question

1367
01:00:11,360 --> 01:00:14,840
Speaker 2: wasn't absurd to her either, and that should make you pause. Yeah,

1368
01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:17,200
Speaker 2: she just blocked because she was like, we can't hear

1369
01:00:17,320 --> 01:00:20,000
Speaker 2: anything else from these people. Yeah, like to wrap me

1370
01:00:20,040 --> 01:00:20,560
Speaker 2: out even more.

1371
01:00:20,680 --> 01:00:21,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm sure it was out of fear of like,

1372
01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:24,040
Speaker 1: oh god, that might be true. Well, I need to

1373
01:00:24,040 --> 01:00:25,800
Speaker 1: block you so you never talk to me again and

1374
01:00:25,840 --> 01:00:28,440
Speaker 1: no one can ever find out. It's like, yeah, dude,

1375
01:00:28,520 --> 01:00:30,960
Speaker 1: all of it is rotten. Yeah, you gotta throw it

1376
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:34,240
Speaker 1: in the compost bin and then later with a different

1377
01:00:34,440 --> 01:00:37,680
Speaker 1: seed you can take and plant it in that compost

1378
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:39,680
Speaker 1: and it can be something beautiful. But what you have

1379
01:00:39,840 --> 01:00:41,240
Speaker 1: now is for worms.

1380
01:00:41,600 --> 01:00:41,840
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1381
01:00:42,080 --> 01:00:46,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, update number three right now. I still love her,

1382
01:00:46,080 --> 01:00:49,080
Speaker 2: but I'm broken. She hugs me, she's affectionate again. She

1383
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:51,640
Speaker 2: wants to go on holiday together this weekend like a family.

1384
01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:54,400
Speaker 2: But I saw her phone. She told him she loves him,

1385
01:00:54,560 --> 01:00:57,000
Speaker 2: And this is a man who lives abroad, a man

1386
01:00:57,000 --> 01:01:00,479
Speaker 2: who's married a man. She still clings to emotion while

1387
01:01:00,480 --> 01:01:03,920
Speaker 2: standing beside me like nothing's wrong. I've realized something harsh

1388
01:01:04,000 --> 01:01:06,840
Speaker 2: but clear. She's been manipulating me for a long time,

1389
01:01:07,120 --> 01:01:11,040
Speaker 2: telling half truths, changing stories, saying that I misunderstood when

1390
01:01:11,080 --> 01:01:14,640
Speaker 2: caught gaslighting me. She never gave us our family a

1391
01:01:14,720 --> 01:01:15,440
Speaker 2: real chance.

1392
01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:17,200
Speaker 1: I feel like he's almost there.

1393
01:01:17,640 --> 01:01:21,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's getting there. It's like we're keeping almost inching along.

1394
01:01:21,640 --> 01:01:24,400
Speaker 1: Do you need to get like Stephen King, like misried

1395
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:27,360
Speaker 1: before you realize. Oh, she broke both my ankles and

1396
01:01:27,400 --> 01:01:29,360
Speaker 1: won't let me leave. I don't think she's good for

1397
01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:31,840
Speaker 1: me now actually yeah, yeah, Like.

1398
01:01:32,040 --> 01:01:33,840
Speaker 2: Come on, we got a little bit more to the story.

1399
01:01:33,880 --> 01:01:36,720
Speaker 2: Let's wrap this up. Here's what I've done and am

1400
01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:39,040
Speaker 2: doing now. I did a DNA test for our daughter.

1401
01:01:39,160 --> 01:01:41,400
Speaker 2: I needed peace of mind. I love her no matter what,

1402
01:01:41,520 --> 01:01:43,959
Speaker 2: but I need certainty. I mailed it in this week,

1403
01:01:44,160 --> 01:01:47,200
Speaker 2: results come out, and about a week I'm securing housing

1404
01:01:47,240 --> 01:01:50,680
Speaker 2: finances and legal protections. Quietly, I'm not telling her yet,

1405
01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:53,360
Speaker 2: not until I've got everything stable. I will not move

1406
01:01:53,400 --> 01:01:56,360
Speaker 2: in with my parents. I'm rebuilding my own foundation, not

1407
01:01:56,520 --> 01:01:59,840
Speaker 2: running away. I've ended contact with anyone I messaged out

1408
01:01:59,880 --> 01:02:02,360
Speaker 2: of hurt that wasn't me. I want to stay clean

1409
01:02:02,400 --> 01:02:04,600
Speaker 2: and all this other things that came to light recently.

1410
01:02:04,720 --> 01:02:08,680
Speaker 2: She regularly saw validation from other men, texting, flirty DMS,

1411
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:12,600
Speaker 2: spicy sleep faded in our relationship. She never opened up emotionally,

1412
01:02:12,760 --> 01:02:15,800
Speaker 2: always evasive. Some people in earlier posts told me that

1413
01:02:15,800 --> 01:02:17,720
Speaker 2: I should have walked to the moment I saw the messages.

1414
01:02:17,880 --> 01:02:20,760
Speaker 2: I wasn't ready then I needed to see clearly. Now

1415
01:02:20,800 --> 01:02:22,160
Speaker 2: I still don't, but I have to.

1416
01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:25,680
Speaker 1: I wasn't ready then, but now I'm still not ready,

1417
01:02:25,520 --> 01:02:28,640
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna do it anyway. It's like, how are

1418
01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:33,240
Speaker 1: you not ready now? Dude? It's sad. Every revelation just

1419
01:02:33,240 --> 01:02:34,880
Speaker 1: gets worse and worse.

1420
01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:37,640
Speaker 2: But that's the thing, though, is that you're not going

1421
01:02:37,680 --> 01:02:40,080
Speaker 2: to be ready, Like he's just not going to be

1422
01:02:40,160 --> 01:02:42,760
Speaker 2: I mean, like he found this stuff out. It's infuriating

1423
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:46,520
Speaker 2: and upsetting, and so we'll have to be out of

1424
01:02:46,600 --> 01:02:49,439
Speaker 2: the relationship. And even then you're gonna like teeter totter

1425
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:52,520
Speaker 2: from like hate and upset to like missing her and

1426
01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:55,280
Speaker 2: still being in love. And that's eventually gonna like even out.

1427
01:02:55,520 --> 01:02:58,040
Speaker 2: But that's not gonna happen unless you're out of the relationship.

1428
01:02:58,120 --> 01:03:00,280
Speaker 2: So you're never gonna have a clearer mind with all

1429
01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:02,800
Speaker 2: of this, Like you have to just cut it off

1430
01:03:02,880 --> 01:03:06,120
Speaker 2: and then you'll get to be clean. Yes, there is

1431
01:03:06,200 --> 01:03:10,080
Speaker 2: important clarification. I don't believe she physically cheated, not with

1432
01:03:10,160 --> 01:03:13,800
Speaker 2: her ex because he lives abroad, but emotionally absolutely. She

1433
01:03:13,960 --> 01:03:16,880
Speaker 2: told him she loved him. I found out by accident

1434
01:03:16,960 --> 01:03:19,640
Speaker 2: through her phone, not her words. That betrayal matters. Why

1435
01:03:19,680 --> 01:03:21,280
Speaker 2: I haven't told her yet because I'm not going to

1436
01:03:21,280 --> 01:03:24,400
Speaker 2: make the same mistake again reacting emotionally without a plan.

1437
01:03:24,760 --> 01:03:27,760
Speaker 2: I'm protecting myself. I'm building something real behind the scenes,

1438
01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:30,440
Speaker 2: so when I walk, I walk with strength, not chaos.

1439
01:03:30,560 --> 01:03:33,320
Speaker 2: What's next. We're still going on holiday this weekend. I

1440
01:03:33,320 --> 01:03:35,040
Speaker 2: don't know how I'm going to fake it, but I

1441
01:03:35,080 --> 01:03:38,560
Speaker 2: will calm focused because this is no longer about fighting

1442
01:03:38,560 --> 01:03:41,120
Speaker 2: for her. It's about fighting for me and for my daughter.

1443
01:03:41,480 --> 01:03:44,640
Speaker 2: When I've got everything in place, housing, clarity, legal prep,

1444
01:03:44,680 --> 01:03:47,640
Speaker 2: I'll tell her, likely through a letter, and I'll walk away,

1445
01:03:47,920 --> 01:03:50,200
Speaker 2: not out of hate, but out of deep, deep pain

1446
01:03:50,400 --> 01:03:53,840
Speaker 2: and self respect. Final thoughts. She broke me, but I

1447
01:03:53,880 --> 01:03:55,640
Speaker 2: won't let this be the end of me. She may

1448
01:03:55,680 --> 01:03:58,040
Speaker 2: have destroyed what we had, but I get to choose

1449
01:03:58,080 --> 01:03:59,880
Speaker 2: how I build what's next.

1450
01:04:00,080 --> 01:04:05,320
Speaker 1: You'll love her, yeah, you love the idea of her, Yeah,

1451
01:04:05,400 --> 01:04:06,840
Speaker 1: you love what she could have been.

1452
01:04:07,240 --> 01:04:10,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, But now I love myself more and to be honest,

1453
01:04:10,360 --> 01:04:12,880
Speaker 2: if one day she truly changes, not just in words,

1454
01:04:12,880 --> 01:04:16,520
Speaker 2: but in actions and self awareness, in honesty. Maybe there's

1455
01:04:16,560 --> 01:04:19,160
Speaker 2: a version of the future where we reconnect in some form,

1456
01:04:19,200 --> 01:04:21,680
Speaker 2: but I'm not waiting for that right now. This version

1457
01:04:21,680 --> 01:04:24,280
Speaker 2: of us is over. What helped you finally break free

1458
01:04:24,280 --> 01:04:26,800
Speaker 2: from someone who kept pulling you back emotionally even when

1459
01:04:26,840 --> 01:04:29,000
Speaker 2: you knew that they weren't truly there for you.